Smelling Popcorn w/ Chris Luckman (Privychat 42)

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I mean you could try to get as many people in and out of the bathroom as possible andyou're literally just in a trough.
wedged in there.
Just wedged in there, yeah.
How many guys can we get on one P-trough?
Exactly, and that was probably the most awkward I've ever...
Welcome back to Privy.

(00:21):
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded.
This week I am on my recording studio away from recording studio, the church bathroom.
And I'm actually in back building church bathrooms.
So we're almost in the shower together.
But I am joined by Chris Luckman.
Chris, how are you?
Great.
How are you this morning?

(00:42):
Good.
I'm beautiful outside.
Yes it is.
inside the bathroom is what I'm saying.
now.
Fluorescent lighting really brings out the color of your eyes.
Yeah.
That's not weird, sorry.
Yeah.
I spend my life in industrial lighting is what I've come to embrace.
I feel that.
I'm still waiting for the maha.

(01:05):
Oh yes sir.
Yes sir.
It's getting wet in the bathroom.
I all over myself my water.
We didn't even make it a minute in and we're already wet.
That's we're near the shower so it's It's all good.
At least I didn't get your equipment.
Yeah, that's true.
Hey, we'll test some waterproofing.
Yeah, right.
If it's a little extra staticky, I apologize.
No, it's good.

(01:25):
But I was gonna say like, I don't remember this.
Oh, I'm waiting for like Robert Kennedy Jr.
whoever's heading that up now to be like, actually, industrial lighting is really good foryou.
Also red stays the autism.
Yeah, yeah, it puts the autism from the red 40 in stasis.
Dude.
No joke.
So after he was doing all that, I was doing this like research of like, does Red 40 giveyou diarrhea just to see if I can do an episode of like- How much did you take?

(01:56):
How many hits of Red 40 did you I got a four pound jug of Red 40 cake dye and just slurpedJust draw on it.
I come out just like full Patrick Starr from Spongebob.
He has moments of clarity, it's fine.
As they all do.

(02:16):
usually involve food.
Well, Chris, it feels weird because you and I recently recorded for Parable.
Yes, sir.
So I feel weird like asking how's life because I already know.
and as always, you know, feel free to stop anything and be like, yeah, I got a newbathroom story.
Yeah, I got you.
I got, you know, I mean, you know.

(02:36):
You're like, I have infinite.
Yeah.
But how are you?
What have you been doing since three?
I mean, it was three years ago, two years ago.
Two years ago now, I think.
Two years?
Yeah, it's I've been doing all right, man.
I'm still teaching, except now I'm teaching instead of teaching.
think at that time it was fourth grade.
think now I'm teaching third grade in between there.

(02:57):
was teaching eighth grade as well.
So, you know, he's kind of moving all over the place doing that kind of stuff.
My son is older now.
He's eight.
My daughter is six.
uh Let's see, my wife is not gonna tell you, so she'd be mad.
But let's just say it's a big one coming up this year in like a couple weeks.

(03:19):
So here we are.
oh Exactly, that's the one.
I think that's 25, come on, it's the insurance where it goes down, know?
that makes the whole having an eight year old less complicated to do the math on.
Yeah, don't even think about that at all.
So just, well, I'm not worried about that.
Thanks Hunter for making it weird.
Yeah, not exactly.
Let's see if I can not spill on myself this time.

(03:40):
m I notice, might as well talk about it right now.
I notice that you have what I have called all the time a white woman Stanley.
Yes.
You do have the most dad looking white girl Stanley.
Thank you.
I tried to find the most dad like one.
I do.
It does make me wonder like what made you go Stanley?
Stanley mug on it.
ah Well, em

(04:05):
my inner teenage girl came out and uh you know as an 8th grade teacher you have to kind ofbe cool.
Oh I see.
Yeah they all had some so was like well I'm making some decent money right now I canafford one so I found the most manly looking Stanley.
I will say it is.
Bear with the crown and wings.

(04:25):
is definitely the most manly like this gives me like foreman.
Yeah.
Foreman.
George Foreman girl.
No, pulling up on the job like the Foreman had yeah, okay.
The construction This is what he has.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm getting.
Yeah, I got my stand there here ready to go.
It's a classic dad blue.

(04:46):
I think it's called Sage Blue is what they said.
And like I said, it was the most manly looking one.
Yeah.
And then of course I had to drop it right away so I've got some scuff marks all over it.
And some chips in it just to make it more believable that...
I think that lends to it being not a white girl Stanley.
Yeah.
You know.
And I definitely don't have one of those little toppers that they have, those like cloudsor unicorns or rainbows or whatever they have gotta get like toilet themed toppers.

(05:14):
Oh, do it.
I would absolutely love that.
I'm gonna look into it.
It has to There's got to.
Yes.
man.
For the straw?
Yeah, just start passing.
If I could get one that like the straw went through it.
And it was like butt cheeks.
So it looks like the straws coming out.
be careful.

(05:34):
It might look like, um, twig and berries there.
I don't know.
As long as the straw is a different color, they'll know.
Yeah, I get it.
Well, I mean, my straw is, we'll just put it this way.
Not, not white.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
It's, it's, I almost went with something different.
it's diverse.
It's diverse.

(05:55):
Diverse.
We, uh, are diverse around here.
Do not white people use Stan Lee's?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm, I'm, my world view is.
next time.
Yes, please do.
Is Wehrman and Coach Mikey, he's, yeah, Wehrman's Mexican.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I don't know.
He's actually.
They're human to me.
That's all I see.
I don't see color.

(06:15):
Agreed.
Well, except for Wehrman regularly tells me about his Mexican mother and also that he's 1% black.
Like he tells me all the time.
Which, okay.
I so many follow up questions to that.
I didn't ask because it didn't matter to me.
Okay.
But yeah, he's gonna go back on the show eventually, he's told me.
And he's like, well, I got some stuff.

(06:35):
I got some stuff I need to air out with you.
I was like, oh yeah, I bet you do.
Friggin' jerk, he went to counseling.
Yeah, left you, he abandoned you.
I know, now I work with three women.
How lucky are you?
They're actually pretty chill.
That's awesome.
And I do make bathroom jokes from time to time.
And they're fine with it?
I mean.

(06:56):
I've told them, said, hey, if it's too much, y'all just shut it down.
But what I've found that they do is they actually just lean into the women's bathroomjoke, oh and then it gets very uncomfortable very Okay, fair enough, Where they all, the
whole gaggle goes together and they do whatever they do in there.
don't know.
Do they have a couch in there?
Oh no, no, I don't believe in couches in classrooms.

(07:18):
No, I meant like in the bathroom.
the girls bathroom.
no, the way that's why they congregate in there, right?
Yeah.
No, they don't at the high school because the women's wall, the girls do like the teensstudents.
But like the staff bathrooms are so small.
That's true.
I know the for sure how small those ones.
Well, I've been trying to get the key to building 11.
Yeah.
Which is the like, you know, the three classroom annex thingy.

(07:40):
um And I am there.
Prejudice is there biased.
Uh, I've been in that one.
was just, they're discriminating against me.
Yeah.
Um, because they're, mean, truly you just gotta get to know your custodial staff better.
If you get to know the custodial staff, do not grant that it's not even the head.
It's a key scan.
What?

(08:01):
Oh, that sucks.
So I have to get it programmed and I've tried to get a program, but the people that woulddo that.
don't like any listeners out there who know how to program keys hit us up.
Hey, if you work for greater Albany public schools facility, I'm now speaking to like sixpeople, I think.
If you want to do Hunter Hoover a solid and program his badge for building 11, it doesn'teven need to be all the time.

(08:25):
I don't need it in all time, but like 8 a.m.
to even 3 p.m.
that'd be fine.
Because sometimes there's teachers that blow up the men's bathroom at the same time everyday.
Every time.
And you go in and it smells like a mix of bad chili.
And like, and this is crass, but like, you know that, you haven't washed your nuts smell?

(08:47):
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Somebody needs to do that.
don't know.
I'm trying to sort it out.
Wehrman?
It's not Wehrman.
He doesn't use that bathroom.
He's got a luxury front office bathroom.
Oh, a luxury.
That's true.
cannot access.
You can't access that one either?
No, because it has a different key.
Lame.
And I've tried to get the key in.
And he won't just like, here you go.

(09:08):
Well, he's usually in with his, in with his dude.
Lame.
should just like hang it up for you.
Like give you a spot to hang it up.
Wear it.
Do it.
I'm gonna start getting an empty coffee can and just leaving it in that and setting itoutside the door.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah.
Nobody will ever notice.
Nobody will ever notice and I won't get in trouble.
Michael Wall, leave it alone.
Michael Wall hasn't been there, dude.
He's traveling the country.

(09:29):
Well, I know, but I mean when you get the coffee cans, what I'm saying.
Michael's so funny because when Michael goes on vacation, he's like, drove 725 milestoday.
I'm like, Michael, enjoy your trip.
Well, we had to get to the next spot.
like, I bet Kimberly's loving this.
Probably never stops.

(09:50):
He's like, yeah, my car is self-driving.
You never know what I'm getting up to while I'm on the road.
I'm like, stop.
He sent me a video.
I didn't watch it because he told me a story one time of his self-driving car.
And I was like, Michael, he's going to.
no.
Well, he rents them.
Anytime he travels like long distance.
Tesla?
I don't know.

(10:10):
it's, it'll like drive down the interstate and he like sets it to auto and then he doesthings in his car.
just take the wheel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
GPS take GPS, take the wheel.
Leon's must.
Um, yeah.
So have you getting into the bathroom stuff?

(10:31):
Yeah.
Uh, has your life in the bathroom changed since we last talked?
Like, have you updated your habits?
there any sort of, you know, new like gleanings that you've had from your time in thebathroom?
And I can kind of share, like since we last talked, I've switched from liquid soap to barsoap.
m

(10:52):
Fair enough.
I've updated some things.
I have as well.
So I've gone to bar soap as well.
I like, I love Duke Cannon.
Yep.
If haven't used Duke Cannon, it's pretty good.
I know it's expensive, but the bars last forever.
Lots of different flavors, if you will.
Yes.
More on that in a moment.
So I definitely like Duke Cannon stuff right now.
um Although I kind of hate their new style of the way they looked or trying to save money.

(11:16):
liked it when they were a little more...
uh
Less shaved on the edge or whatever?
No, not the bars themselves, so the actual boxes.
They're a lot more decorative than they are now.
really?
I found them at Bi Mart first and they're all really decorative, know, like really, Idon't know, more decorative.
Looks like they had somebody do some art on Yeah, they did some actual artwork and stuff.

(11:37):
And now they're just plain Jane White like block Oh, see that's, I've had one, I've hadone, it wasn't even, it wasn't even bar soap.
I got a beard wash.
yeah.
That was them and it was just like a regular brown box.
thought that was their whole vibe.
No, it was like actual artwork that was on there.

(11:58):
like uh Supremacy.
uh I think that one it uh has like the blue black arrow with mountains and stuff likethat.
It was pretty cool.
Pine tree one, pine tar or whatever it's called had uh pine trees on it and like reallykind of more decorative.
And then they had like, oh, like gun smoke that had like a gun on it and you know, there'sactual smoke kind of coming out.

(12:23):
So a little more.
I'm sure they did.
You know, now it was at Walmart as well.
So they're probably getting a lot of pressure from them to be able to be more PC, whichwhatever.
I mean, it goes to veterans.
So that's kind of.
to sort himself out.
Seriously, no joke.
anyway, having that on there.
do the money to vets and stuff?
As far as I know, it says so on the box, but who knows how much that actually goes.

(12:46):
to that's hopefully a lot more than I There's somewhere reported on the website.
That was my thing.
Like I always wonder, cause like Black Rifle, they do that with coffee.
Yeah, I get that too.
Good stuff.
I always wonder if it's like, what percentage?
They say it's 15, but.
Out of a $15 thing is, so know, $1.50, something like that.

(13:06):
It's not too bad.
Yeah.
And it's good coffee.
Yeah.
Oh, and I love it.
I haven't messed with their energy drinks.
I saw somebody drinking one of their Black Rifle energy drinks at the school the other dayand I went.
I did try Black Rifle flavored coffee, so I don't know.
guess it wasn't energy, like the can, yeah.
Those were pretty good.
And 300 milligrams of caffeine, so that gets ya going.

(13:28):
That gets ya going.
That gets you pooping too.
That'll fire it up.
Bo show.
Yeah.
Well, that's my problem at the high school.
As I get up, I exercise, everything's moving.
I do a couple cups of coffee here.
And then right when I get to the school, it's like, it's time.
It's the day of reckoning.
And if I have first period, we're waiting an hour and a half now.

(13:50):
Holding that.
And so it's like, it's ready to go.
holding that I'm ready to let those crushing loaf.
Crushing the I don't what it means, but I hear the kids say it since Minecraft came out.
Oh.
That I always hear chicken jockey, yeah.
That's the only one I ever hear in my school right Lava chicken.
Lava, I don't hear that as much as I hear chicken jockey.
Everybody's all, chicken jockey.

(14:11):
It's just in an I finally in my classroom banned Chicken Jockey.
OK, otherwise they'll lose.
Oh, no, they weren't throwing stuff, uh but they kept saying it over and over and over somuch so that I'm like, OK, if I hear it more than one time a day from everybody, you lose
your recess.
You will not get recess.
So they are like, oh, I don't want to lose my recess.

(14:32):
So they listen and don't do it.
This is education in 2025.
No joke that and all the other toilet.
Skibbity, Ohio.
I got a kid all of that.
I can't my gosh so much the brain rot as they yeah the brain rot Have you stood okay twothings I have a kid at the high school Every day if in the last period of the day he comes

(14:53):
in my room He sits down and he just smiles.
Let's go to class.
This is my class Like no, it's not Go to class.
Yeah, he's not even like one of mine.
Yeah.
then why is he there?
And then he gets up and he goes and he checks in and his teacher calls me.
Hey, he asked if you could come.
I'm like, I don't care.

(15:13):
He's fine.
Not even your kid?
No, just nice kid.
He's a good kid.
He's just blowing stuff up, I guess.
No, he's not.
He he sits and he does work for about a half hour and then he plays on his phone.
Yeah.
OK, well, I mean, checked with his teacher.
I was like, you need to be doing more than that.
He goes, if he gets an assignment or two, it's act, I don't really care.

(15:36):
But you can't guess who that is.
I'm trying to get him to come on the show.
I mean them to come on the show.
Whoops.
I really narrowed down the sped teachers on that one.
But no, the other thing is so the brain rot.
Have you heard of this Italian brain rot?
I haven't.
OK, so like it's in American now, but it's like a shark.
brain rot?
It's what they call it.

(15:57):
Italian brain rot.
And it's like a shark with human legs and it's like sharkini.
Is it like a YouTube thing?
Lampachini or something.
And then there's like one that's like a ballerina coffee cup.
Okay.
And it's like cappuccino ballerina.
That sounds ridiculous.
Yeah, but it's a thing.
Okay.
To the point where they did one of those like, YouTube hit the streets.

(16:20):
Do you know who this is?
And they show a picture of like some cartoon character from 30 years ago that we would belike, yeah, you know, that's, you know, that's whatever tiger.
And then
That's that's Lionel and then they show him these Italian brain rots and they get five outof five Wow That sounds I don't I don't get it.

(16:40):
I yeah, I hate this culture Yeah, hey Jen alpha and Gen Z if you're listening put thebrain around away and go go touch grass It won't kill you.
Although maybe it will because some of you are I'm allergic I can't handle it.
My dad cut the lawn last night and then he came inside his clothes made my allergies back

(17:02):
I have to come home and take a shower and wash all my clothes.
No joke.
had a kid tell me that this week.
Seriously?
do you do when you get home?
Well, I take a shower because of like the germs at school.
like, okay.
mean, and he's not wrong, but like I, as a kid, especially at a high school as yeah, no,no, no, he's right.

(17:22):
Gross.
He's right.
But like as a teen, I never took a shower for germs.
Oh, heck no.
No.
I would get muddy or I'd
work and get gross or like I would go to the gym and sweat and I would take a shower.
Yeah.
But it was never like, Oh, I think I got germs on me today.
Yeah.
No, never that bad.
Never, never to.
Thanks a lot, COVID.
Yeah.
It's a lot Obama.

(17:43):
dumb.
Sorry.
Did I just say Obama?
I'm sorry.
Didn't Michelle Obama just like admit she was a transgender?
I don't know.
Is she?
I thought she'd like in a podcast said that.
She said something to the I use more podcasts than I do.
don't know.
said something to the effect of like there's been a lots of things that those of us in thetransgender community.

(18:03):
That's what she said.
And I'm sitting here going, huh?
Like they were right.
Yeah.
OK.
I people made that joke forever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then like, mean, OK, if you're famous and people are always making a joke about you,you have to have heard it.
Yeah.

(18:23):
Or at least like had some
press advisor person say, hey, people are saying you have a wiener.
Just know that.
And then you go on a podcast and say, like, oh yeah, I'm, yeah, that's just dumb.
You're just leaning into it.
Oh, speaking of this, because we didn't get to it yet.
The other thing that's changed.
Oh yeah.
And I apologize.
I meant to do this.

(18:44):
I wanted to bring in these dude wipes for you.
Oh yes.
Okay.
So I've bought dude wipes.
And I wanted to Oh, he's pulling something out of his wallet here.
Got my emergency.
He's got his emergency.
Yes.
And it's the fragrance free.
Yeah, look at that.
One flushable wipe with vitamin E and aloe.
You know, my sproing holes got to get some vitamin E and it's it probably needs it.

(19:08):
Yes.
Probably.
Nevermind.
I'll leave that alone.
He's sniffing at people.
That's okay.
uh So yeah, I went and bought some some dude wipes.
I tried them out of the three pack.
Not a sponsor.
Yeah, not yet.
Please contact at privy.
The dude wipes Instagram is wild, by the way.

(19:29):
it?
Yeah.
Privy is a follower and it's a good follow.
That's awesome.
do so many good.
Yeah, anyway.
Anyway, so I bought some and it was the witch hazel slash aloe vera something.
So uh style.
didn't, you know, I just like I'll buy whatever.
It was the green pack.
not even.
Yeah, which hazel.
So that's like uh rubbing alcohol.

(19:49):
Oh, jeez.
But not as intense, I think.
uh Or maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know.
Something like that.
I will say that uh I don't know if I'm a fan of the wet wipes and using the dude wipes.
I don't know if it's just because uh I have a lot more going on back there.
I don't know.

(20:10):
know?
Well, I hear the hair.
Part of that, yes.
And it says also on the as I was, you know, perusing and reading not my phone, butactually, you know,
going back to the 90s and reading the package.
It says one wipe.
And I'm like, Oh, is that the serving size?
Yeah, that's the serving size.
It's one wipe.
You're like one wipe per flush.
And I'm like, so do I just need to flush a bunch?

(20:33):
how many hold it?
Like, what if I mean, it wasn't the the texture and all of the like, finger doesn't gothrough the okay, which is nice, because that's this pretty thick, which is nice.
Because with regular even the Costco brand.
that we use uh sometimes if you don't get it thick enough can still go through.
Yeah.

(20:53):
Yeah.
Which is annoying.
So Costco step up your game.
I know you want to save money but come on Kirkland.
some confessions at the end of this year.
Let's go.
uh So like yeah so how many how many like what if what happens if I put four or five inthere you know and I need to get coverage and extra wipeage and all this stuff and I'm you
know I'm a big guy I'm 300 pounds.

(21:15):
Yeah.
But I have no butt.
and no butt cheeks.
So literally it's just like a hole there.
That's it.
Just crack and hole.
Imagine that.
You visual people are getting.
So, yeah.
That's your mind palace.
Build it for you.
Mind palace.
Mind's eye.
Just start visualizing a 300 pound man, six foot, with a mustache.

(21:41):
Crack and Crack, hold back, that's it.
You regularly do give off very Mario vibes.
Yeah, I try.
Well, I'm not sure If you rolled around with a red hat.
Right now, you'd call me Mario.
I mean, you would have I'm wearing a red shirt and black suspenders, you got the stash.
I gotta keep my pants up.
I don't have a butt.
I know, but what I'm saying is.
I crack.
That's why Mario does it.

(22:02):
Yeah.
Like, he's plumber.
I think they use coveralls, not suspenders, though.
Or overalls.
I think so.
He's going to look at I don't have a, I don't have a Jesse like Joe Rogan.
It's called me and my phone's in Joe Biden's Google.
Um, Joe Rogan, not a sponsor yet.

(22:23):
Holy crap.
You're right.
Yeah.
He's more suspenders.
He's a fraud.
Yeah.
I mean, I know I look like he's probably not even Italian.
Probably not sicko.
And I'm probably would be more.
Oh dude, look at him creep on peach in that picture.
Oh yeah.
Also, Peach needed to be much taller than Mario was in that movie.
That was the thing that like, Mitism was like, how is she not, she's supposed to besignificantly taller.

(22:48):
Did you just say Mitism?
Okay.
TM, TM, TM.
It's like my chart for health, but it's for only people with autism, which is likeeverybody now.
Yeah.
And it's called Mitism and you can just like...
Just get on there and tell your doctor like hey, I stemmed for whatever that means I standfor 45 minutes in the hallway I just stemmed for 45 minutes in the bathroom like His

(23:18):
teachers uh say it's stemming something help Help no, I mean that I meant like sitting onthe pot just waiting for everything to come out cuz you I'm a man of an 11 age.
It doesn't all come out right away
You haven't experienced that.
You're just a youngster.
No, but mine is the opposite.
You just fire out and done.
Yeah.

(23:39):
Like, kinda.
Alright.
Fair enough.
I have days where it's like, I don't know, maybe I don't drink enough water and then youdrink more.
Or maybe it's coffee.
Cause like, that was cup three.
That's cup of three.
So I've had one, two, three, four.
Okay.
At least today.
Oh yeah, so you should be pretty regular.

(23:59):
Yeah, I am.
You dragon fruit?
I have not tried dragon fruit yet.
But my first cup is the one that's the fire and go, right?
So I get up, go do my workout.
um Don't usually have to go there, but then come home, get in the shower, get the cup ofcoffee in.
Then like 20 minutes later, we're ready to go.
But it like opens up the flood gates.

(24:20):
So it just kind of depends um whether we're solid or not.
then it's like anywhere between at least two before I go to work.
And then when I get to work, it's another one.
and then I'm pretty good for most of the day.
I don't think I have to go anymore.
So.
Do you like three or four a day?
So like three to four a day.
Yeah, that's about what I'm averaging.
Usually in the mornings, sometimes right after work like at anywhere between three andfour.

(24:45):
I usually go three times before noon.
Yeah.
And then once when I get home from work.
Yeah, that's about where I'm it's like.
Then we're good.
I'll go again until like the next morning at 5.30.
Yeah, that's about right.
It's weird.
Yeah, it is.
I agree.
So here we are.
Yeah, well now you know what our poop schedule's like.
Back to dude wipes.
Yes, dude I just, I don't know man.
I feel like, and maybe it's just because I don't have enough coverage back there.

(25:11):
I don't know.
I just feel like leaving it wet is, Oh yes.
It's like, awkward.
Yes, agreed.
So this is the same grievance that I have with a bidet.
So we installed a bidet in our home.
Yeah, okay.
And by we I mean on it as a surprise, which was it was cool I had bought it and it sat inthe closet and I hadn't gotten to it and then one day she's like Surprise, I had my

(25:34):
brother help me.
I was like sweet.
Um And it's great But then I still have to go in for dry paper Yeah to like why like dryit up dry it up and I'm going or do you sit there?
How what's the what's the protocol air dry air dry?
Like how long do you sit there?
No after you're You're like already been on there.
don't

(25:54):
Five minutes, 10 minutes?
I don't.
as soon as, so the way that I know that I'm done in the bathroom is have I cleaned mybutt?
Yeah.
Because there is no sit around time after the butt's clean.
Right.
It's like butt's clean, stand up, pull up pants.
So in your massive amounts of research, I assume you've done at least one podcast on thedays.

(26:17):
Not yet.
You still haven't done it?
You haven't really in all this time?
I think I've done something about like,
yeah, I think I have.
We'll look it up.
So here's a cool new feature.
Jesse, look it up, here we go.
I have a search feature on the website now.
Oh.
And I often forget about this.

(26:38):
But I can actually search like topics.
And I don't even have to program it.
like AIs it.
That's awesome.
I've done two.
Okay, see.
Whoa.
Yeah, two part episodes for bidets.
So yes.
Don't remember what I talked about.
Well, I mean, so let's revisit that just really quickly because we're here and we'retalking about dude wipes and bidets.

(27:00):
I'm sure you've got other great questions to ask as well.
I know I haven't done wipes.
I know I have not done dude wipes.
You haven't done dude wipes for just wipes and Yeah, I know I haven't done that becausethat's in the works.
Yeah, okay, fair enough.
Like I said, I didn't know if you've tried them so I wanted to ring them but I thought Ihad some in my truck but I don't.
So anyway, here we are.

(27:21):
It's you and I tandem.
Yeah, let's just record it.
No problem.
Let's how's that feel everything?
By the way, the witch has a one I don't recommend.
Okay, it felt fiery to me like just like you're putting alcohol on an open wound.
That's somebody's like, they chase that though.
I'm sure that you know, that's even but you know what I mean?

(27:44):
do.
Yeah, it's kind of like the burn.
I feel like aftershave.
You know what mean?
Yeah, it's like, yeah, and it wakes you up.
That feels good.
Yeah, it's witch hazel for the morning.
Witch hazel in the morning.
Okay, fair enough.
It was not my jam.
could yoink a hot tamale instead.
Yeah, that might be better.
Stash a hot tamale.

(28:04):
Yeah, no big deal.
Yeah, that was the one I tried.
I know there's several flavors out there for you to try.
I'm sure there's like, I wonder if there's a peppermint flavor.
I wonder how that would feel.
I don't know, it'd be awkward.
Peppermint.
It's already pretty spicy when you put it in your mouth if it's wet, right?
Like I have a question.

(28:25):
I'm jump down to a question.
Okay, because this is a round two question.
Okay, that I that I don't know if I've asked you I think you already know where this iscoming from and it's related to what you've pretty much said like like tasting the dude
white.
Yeah.
Have you ever tasted deodorant?
Like have you ever tried to eat?
Yes, I have.
Yeah, the solid like white.

(28:46):
I don't even like sure those kind of ways.
We've had this kind of like
Yeah, it's awful.
Yeah, so but also, don't know, anti perspirant, aluminum-y?
Aluminium-y?
Aluminium.
Yeah, okay.
Well, I was just curious because like tasting the Dude Wipe.

(29:06):
I don't know.
I haven't actually tried.
Like put that in my mouth.
That would be interesting.
A new flavor.
And like I said, they have several different types, right?
Yeah.
I just saw one was like, okay, I'll try this one.
I know the blue one was the one I was looking for.
I don't think they had that one, which is probably their fragrance free one.
Right.
But even those one, the wet wipes from like Costco that you get that are fragrance freethat are not toilet safe.

(29:28):
Right.
uh Those ones still have a little bit of an afterburn if you will.
And they're supposed to be like hypoallergenic and all that whatnot.
So I don't know.
Imagine just like introducing the allergen right to your butt.

(29:50):
Coffee enema.
I've heard people who like love them.
It's on my list.
To do one?
I don't know if I'm brave enough.
I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the courage to do it.
First of all, if you don't record it, I will be thoroughly disappointed.
you have no, it would be recorded.

(30:10):
Okay.
Somehow.
I mean, even this way would be better than that.
I mean, because they can do it on TLC.
There's like.
It's my strange addiction.
These guys were doing like 10 and 15 coffee enemas a day.
This couple.
And they're like, I don't know.
That's too much.

(30:32):
That TLC show is really strange by the way.
We'll move on from that.
I like you were just like continuously bee pooping.
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know how that all works.
Do you have to like...
not eat for a couple days and like clean yourself out before you do the coffee enema or isthe coffee enema supposed to?
So I listened to a podcast where the hosts got coffee enemas.

(30:54):
During the?
They podcast?
Okay.
They did it and then like both came back and reported on it.
Okay.
And my understanding is that there is a tube.
Yes.
That you have to feed.
Yes.
in a little bit.
Yes.
And that's my barrier to injury.

(31:16):
No, I get that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because that is a one-way hole for me.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
That, yes.
So I...
How far did they have to go?
That's like what?
I don't Two inches?
Three inches?
I mean, didn't you do research on it?
Not enough.
I got scared.
Yeah, fair enough.
I know you put a little jelly on it so it doesn't feel so bad.

(31:37):
mean, it's just like the proctologist, when they have to check that prostate.
you had to that done?
I have.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
It's not that fun.
It's awkward.
What age does that start?
Well, 40.
Okay.
So I'm older than 40.
I mean, and it kind of depends too.
at the time, I don't really remember what's going on.

(32:01):
I, uh,
Was it diverticulitis or something like that, which is kind of double checking.
So they went up that way.
already doing that kind of stuff.
And then it was like pre diverticulitis or something like that.
I don't exactly remember.
And they go in there and just yank him down and he didn't even buy me a drink after.

(32:21):
So I was kind of mad.
Is it just like the TV show in the movies where they're like, Oh yeah.
It's just one.
I mean, it's just one finger.
So, but he like,
puts the jelly on it and with a glove, obviously, because he's not like enjoying it.
don't think that would be way worse.

(32:42):
I'm just glad it didn't come out all brown because I would have made up.
Or maybe it did and I don't look.
I have to ask somebody.
I got to find somebody who you need to bring on a proctologist.
I do.
What that?
What type of is that like the doctor type?
Yeah, proctologist.
Yeah, think so.

(33:02):
The aura.
I brought on my urologist against his will.
So that was fun.
That's cool.
Here, I keep playing with your cord.
you're fine.
doesn't do anything.
Yeah.
Proctologists, if you're listening, if you want uh an avenue to share the horrors thatyou've seen.
Yes.
I have one for you and I have many questions.

(33:25):
Mostly like so there's this video on the internet that's like one of my favorite videos.
And it's this lady that works at a zoo.
Yeah.
And this elephant's got stomach problems or something.
she's trying, they're giving the elephant an enema.
Lord.
they've like run a garden hose like into the elephant.
A garden hose?
Yeah, I mean it's big.

(33:46):
They're big.
And so they got like this hose into the elephant and then she's like got this thing, likeyou can see her like poo.
And this isn't why I like it.
But this video is so funny because the enema.
eventually works.
And it just just fires up.
It's like this a tidal wave of elephant poo comes out and it just hits the lady right inthe face and knocks her down.

(34:12):
My question is, is proctologist if they've ever done that, weren't you?
then pulled it out and it's just cake.
Like diarrhea or something.
Maybe I'd be scared that I would be like the diarrhea guy.
Yeah, that would be that would be it's kind of already half my thing.
like
Yeah.
Huh.

(34:33):
I'm trying to like sift through a bunch of different things.
I know.
Here it is.
We've been talking for like 25 minutes.
no, but it's like...
We've been getting to your questions.
Have you...
Jeez.
So have you seen...
There's this like quiz.
is...
know.
We'll just...
So like the urinal quiz.
Where like when you got like all the urinals lined up.

(34:54):
Okay.
yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, one do you choose?
Well, I mean, to me, you always choose the one on the end of the one one away fromsomeone.
Yes.
But there's one.
So the one that I asked, I asked like round two and three if it is it's so here's thedeal.
The question that I have is both ends.

(35:15):
So you got like a line of five.
Yeah.
Okay.
Both ends are taken and the one in the middle is gone.
So like you got one, three, five.
Okay.
And the choice is between these two.
Two and four.
Two and four.
one do you go for?
Yeah.
I think you have to, it depends on what time people got there.

(35:37):
And I think you think through that a little bit and you just kind of make a judgment callfrom there.
So if you noticed that like middle goes in, cause you know, he's a smart one who got therejust before you.
Yeah.
You're like, you don't go next to that guy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you, I mean, you have to make a choice.
Is it gonna be one or is it gonna be five?
Which one do you go for?
For me, I don't know.

(36:00):
I, it's hit or miss.
You just go for probably the furthest one away.
So, cause either way you're standing next to the guy who just got there.
And that's awful.
What's even more awful is when you're at like a sports game, like football stadium.
I've gone to Seattle Seahawk football games.
Love it.
It's awesome.
Yeah, but going to take a piss.

(36:20):
Sorry, can I say piss?
just said piss going to take a piss.
You're basically pissing in a trough.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
No, it's not ice.
It's just a trough because it's it's there right that's more convenient.
It's literally like that Costco style, a sink but lower.
And I you can try to get as many people in and out of the bathroom as possible.

(36:41):
And you were literally just in a truck.
wedged in there.
Just wedged in there, yeah.
How many guys can we get on one P-trough?
Exactly.
that's that was probably the most awkward I've ever stood.
I will say it was because there was a rather large black man there.
know, feeling well, yeah, I mean, but just being intimidated, first of all, by sheer size.

(37:08):
you know, and you're not it's not like you're it just.
Wham, there it is, you know?
So, uh-huh.
Well, if everybody's on the trough, it's like...
Yep, you can see, God, yep, everything.
That was hard to go.
It's hard enough when you have to make those hard decisions on, is it two or four?
You know, and then you go over there and you're looking at the wall for five minutes,praying that something comes out.

(37:31):
Fucking minutes.
man.
No, you don't really stand there that long, but you're just like, come on, go!
The worst is when you, especially when you're...
and you're peeing and then the poo hits like oh mid pee.
I have to pinch.
And it's like, but like you can't.
I've got to like, this is going to be bad.

(37:53):
Or if there's someone around the corner in the bathroom you can't get, it's like, oh Lord.
Do I stand here and pretend like I've been peeing until he gets done?
Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like you're just having a hard time going.
Yeah.
That's embarrassing, but no one ever talks about that part.
You're just like, we all know that it's going to take a minute for us to go because it'sawkward.

(38:14):
But then he's probably sitting on the other side of the stall.
Yeah.
Like waiting for me to get done, flush and leave so he can start like honk honk.
Yeah.
I never had that problem with one.
bathroom chicken.
Dude, I've gone on so many youth trips to where like I'm in the bathroom and there's lotsof people in there and I'm
Grunting and making noises and trying not to die from laughter as I hear people going.

(38:37):
my gosh You know like yeah, I the the whole like man, I gotta be extra quiet.
Yeah Like I think mine was living in the dorms.
yeah really solved a lot of problems in that because I mean I was an only child I had kindof my own bathroom like
And so like, I never really thought about it.

(38:57):
And then I got to college and I was like, I mean, this is just the noises people make whenthey go to the bathroom.
Like, he's fine.
But then my roommate, he was pretty private guy.
And my other roommate, the following year, he was pee shy.
And so it was like, dude, they thought it was just cause I was from Montana and just- Justwhip it out and go wherever you wanted.
You're a Neanderthal.

(39:18):
They'd be in the shower and the bathroom's unlocked.
And so it's like, okay, well.
Just come in.
I'm coming in like knock knock, hey I gotta pee, like just stay in the shower.
Well, to be fair, that's something you do when you're at home, right, with your parents?
Like you only have one bathroom?
I don't know, because I never had that experience.
You had?
Like my parents had their bathroom.

(39:38):
Oh.
I like never went in there.
No, see I did.
We only had one bathroom in my house when I was growing up.
And so if someone was in the shower and you had to go, it was like...
Even if it was like your mom?
Yeah.
Just don't.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, you're in there, right?
Yeah.
We and we'd open the door, a shower and tub would be there.
It's not like she was in the tub or anything.

(40:00):
they're taking a crap.
Right.
It's just like, oh man, that's yeah.
That would be where that person had to hold up and hold it.
Yeah.
Just hold it.
Yeah.
Hold it.
I'm scared.
I mean, it's not like you're wanting to go in there and see your mom.
No, know.
But like it's still she's she knows you're there.
The statistic like.
It ups your chances.

(40:21):
like, God forbid the shower bar collapses.
Yeah, true.
You know what I'm like, unexplainable things happen.
Yeah.
And it's just like, well, we can't go back.
Nope, you can't.
You know, I...
That would be awful.
You're not wrong.
But also, you know, here I am older.

(40:41):
But then Mikey have to think like, yeah, that's true.
Like, I'll just be on the toilet.
my son will come in and like wanna have a conversation.
like, hey, can you go out?
Like, I'm sorry.
And then he just stands outside the room and talks anyway.
Exactly, yeah.
Well, and our kids are kinda at the curiosity stage.
So they wanna see everything and watch everything.
So oh I've had my kids actually open the door.

(41:03):
I'm like, close the door.
What are you doing?
I'm standing there.
Yeah, and then they like peek in.
They're like closing it slowly, like watching you do your business.
You're like, why?
I'm just doing what everybody does.
Seriously.
Yes, I'm going potty.
That's it.
huh.
I know that you have to like all the time get them like away from not not that they'retrying to be in the bathroom together, but like like if if your daughter goes to bathroom,

(41:29):
like, shut the door because you're like you don't want your son like we're trying to teachour kids that I think the problem is potty training ruined it.
Yeah.
Because potty training is like, just go in, mom or dad will be right in, and they leavethe door open.
And then they do that for a year, one, two, three, and then they get to school, and thenthey have open, almost bathrooms, pretty much at the school.

(41:52):
And then it's like, but then now it's like, well, you're staring down double digits in acouple years, bud.
So we gotta start shutting this door.
We finally bought a privacy book about private parts and private parts are private.
Especially for our six-year-old.
it called Elmo's no-no square?
No, it's not.
What does Elmo have underneath his no-no square?

(42:13):
A hand.
just pops out.
I if Elmo reproduces asexually.
Maybe.
He might.
Cause I've never seen a girl Elmo.
Is that what Zoe is?
I don't know.
Maybe.
Could be.
I don't want to go down this trail.
If you've seen Ice Age when there's only one mammoth, that's Elmo.

(42:36):
There's only one of whatever Elmo is and he's trying to find his girl Elmo.
Oh Lord.
This is what happens when I didn't have to be like half behaved all day at the high schoolbefore I start this.
I'm like, yeah, you're good.
Go down the rabbit trail.
See what happens.
See where it takes us.

(42:57):
Does that move?
No.
Maybe.
I wonder.
Would it come out red?
I don't know.
Because he's red?
how much like, is it their hand?
Yeah.
Yeah, it goes up.
Someone's got to dig it out.
Dig it.
I'd be more concerned about the fur and what happens to the fur.

(43:19):
He's kind of a furry, right?
Like, just all the extra cling-ons and oh dingleberries.
Dingleberry central, like, it?
He needs the dude wipes.
Yeah.
Maybe the witch hazel would be good for him.
Do you think it bleaches it, like the hair?
Like, eventually?

(43:42):
Is that the true meaning of bleaching a butt hole?
That was a thing.
I know.
Why?
I have no idea.
Why were people like...
And they got the...
I don't know.
They're funny.
I think they still sell them on Amazon.
It's like this little cone type thing that you can dip and just clean it and bleach it.

(44:08):
All I can think of is...
ever see those like honey...
Like, the honeycomb one, the honeycomb, like where you dip it in the honey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all it's in my brain.
Yeah.
And just dripping gooey mess.
That's foul.
Last time or one or two times ago that you were on the show, you said that you have ribson the toilet like that.

(44:30):
Oh, I had.
Yes.
Have you done that since we last talked?
No, I have not.
Unfortunately, I haven't had ribs are expensive.
Yeah, that's true.
Thanks, Joe.
Yeah.
Do you want to recant?
Because I'll tell you, I have told a lot of people that you do that.
Yeah.
And nobody believes you.
Why?
I think try it and see folks.

(44:52):
No, no.
I think the barrier is how messy ribs get in the fingers.
Yeah.
And then the wiping.
I mean, you're getting messy back there anyway.
But I don't but it's like, I don't want that stick.
I don't want the toilet paper sticking to my fingers.
And don't tell me that.
I mean, you're gonna wash your hands anyway.

(45:12):
It does a little.
How do you, okay, to wipe your butt and then it's like, now I got poo on one side andsticky barbecue on the other and I'm like trying to get it off, like no.
Yeah.
Just lick your fingers.
lickin' good, that's the new turn.
No, Okay, don't do that.
I mean, you finger lick before you start wiping.
Yeah, well, that's the point.
You have the ribs, you wipe your hands before.

(45:33):
people are like, how?
You wipe your hands off first, obviously.
That's what you're doing.
You're wiping your hands off first.
Taking the toilet paper, I'm not just like eating a rib by itself, right?
So it's on a plate.
You set the plate down like on the shelf or wherever you have your toilet paper.
Across your lap.
Across your lap, whatever you gotta do to be able to get that taken care of.

(45:55):
Right where, yeah.
Right, so what they call the butter zone.
And then you take your toilet paper.
Hopefully there's a lot there.
If not, it makes things a little bit more complicated.
But don't you need something?
wet to deal with that?
No, because, right, I mean, you're, it's already kind of a wet barbecue sauce, right?

(46:15):
So you're like wiping off your fingers, getting them all kind of there.
Sure, your face is a mess because you got stuff on there as well, but that doesn't matterat point.
that coming out of the bathroom are rough.
I'm just gonna say.
Agreed, which is why you wash up well after.
So you take it, you go in there, you eat some, do your business, wipe off your hands, setyour stuff down.

(46:36):
then you go to town, downtown, right?
Then you wash up and do all your things.
Okay.
Right?
I mean, it's not that complicated.
Why are you complicating it?
Yeah.
It's not that complicated, guys.
Like I'm pro snack in the bathroom.
Yeah.
I'm like on record, like pro snack in the bathroom.
That one was just hard to...

(46:56):
It's not, I don't know.
It's not that hard.
It's like, and if you do cook your ribs, right?
It just like...
Pop the meat off and you're good.
Have you seen the people that eat the chicken wing and they just like twist and yank Yeah.
Yeah, they're like, you have to pull.
No, you pull off so that it's that way and you just done.
I've done it.
Matter of fact, I got made fun of by some Canadians with the way that I eat my chickenbecause I ate all of the meat off of it and they're like, oh, I don't do that.

(47:24):
And I'm like, I'm uppity and I'm Canadian.
Have you ever been to Ottawa?
Ontario's better.
They speak French there.
It's so, I can't.
Like, Canadians are, they're lovely.
They are.

(47:44):
My grandmother was Canadian.
My great grandmother was Canadian.
oh, my wife's texting me.
what is she You can tell me what's up.
I ate a, what?
Nope, okay.
yep, huh?
is she saying?
Let's see, I don't know what she's saying.
Door needs open.
I need ice and lemonade.
Door needs open.

(48:06):
She must be like, she might be locked out.
Do you need to go let her in?
I might need to do that.
Can we do a pause?
Yeah, I'm just gonna let it run.
Ready, pause.
Yep.
He's getting up.
We're gonna give you a play by play.
He's moving.
This is the sound.
If one man podcasts in a bathroom alone, does anybody hear it?

(48:30):
Irish wristwatch.
Irish wristwatch.
Sometimes when I get to the candy shop.
hot bread basket.
hot bread basket.

(48:56):
I didn't stop recording at all.
I just let it ride.
There's some jam.
No.
What's she doing?
Getting ice.
It's for the Mother's Day.
Oh yeah.
I'm going to be recording in the bathroom for 45 minutes.
No big deal.

(49:18):
Do you have any new bathroom stories?
If not, it's fine because I know that like, you know, sometimes on the fly it's like,okay, well, bathroom stories, but.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you know, you can always have bathroom stories.
That's what I find.
Never have any shortage.
No, there's never a shortage.
Have you found anything that like fouls you up yet?

(49:38):
Like.
Fouls me up.
Yeah, because I know last time you, I think you said Applebee's or Riggy's or something.
Applebee's, yeah.
Riggy Squirtos by the Yeah, Riggy Squirtos.
Um, yeah, Applebee's, if you eat some of that stuff, files you up.
You know, I'm a bariatric patient, which means I've had bariatric surgery.
Um, so things are a little bit different, uh, in how I, oh yeah.

(50:01):
So my tummy's small.
So it's like the size of an egg.
So I have to be careful with what I, instead of- How does that work?
So basically- know it works, but like, what if you eat more than an egg size?
Uh, it gives, this thing called dumping syndrome, and it's not like-
where you actually take a dump, although it can cause that and sometimes does, to whereyou just like m have to run to the bathroom and either you're gonna vomit or you're gonna

(50:26):
crap yourself.
So one of the two can happen.
That has happened with me a few different times depending on what I eat, whether it's toomuch of sugar, too much of a fat.
Whoa.
So, and then on top of that, it actually makes my heart race really fast.
uh And it's just because what the bypass does is it bypasses your stomach.

(50:49):
So basically they cut out your stomach, like part of your stomach and part of yourintestines, like a foot.
And then they attach your small intestine to where your esophagus and your other stuff is,right?
So they do that and create a little pouch with all the things that are left there aboutthe size of an egg.
And so it bypasses the stomach.

(51:10):
So you have your stomach, but it's not hooked up.
Correct.
What?
Yes.
It's yes.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
I did not know that's what it did.
Yeah, that's what they do.
I thought, ah I thought they just like removed part of your stomach.
They just kind of what they did.

(51:32):
Yes, but they do have that there's three options.
One of those is to like cut basically your stomach in half and sew it together so thatit's smaller.
So there's that one, there's that option.
There's another option called the lap band where they basically squeeze a portion of yourtummy and you only get so much and it goes through and that's it.

(51:54):
So they basically squeeze it to death and only make a small portion of that.
And then the other way is the one that I chose which was Ruin Why and they literally cutoff the top of your tummy where it comes, oops, as I hit the thing.
hits the comes up through your to your esophagus there's a little section there they cutit off and um that's crazy so it to you and it's all intact they don't remove them or at

(52:22):
least for in my case didn't so my stomach is still in there and I guess potentially theycould um undo said surgery but yeah they just leave it in there they take about a foot
after your stomach and that's where they cut it and they bring that up that's
and attach it to your stomach to create a little...

(52:43):
know that was a thing that was even possible.
Yeah, I know, it's crazy.
So, I lost 100 pounds as a result of that.
I've started at 415 pounds.
Wow.
And I went down at my lowest to 240 pounds.
Yeah.
Wow.
That changes consistency.
Yeah.

(53:03):
It changes how things kind of work.
So it's a sharp learning.
But you said it's harder to poop?
It can be, yeah, it has.
That's wild.
And then also, depending on the- the dragon fruit thing, actually.
That might actually be It might be bad, I don't know.
I can't eat too much watermelon.
If I eat too much watermelon, it causes dumping syndrome and then I the craps.

(53:26):
Don't do the dragon fruit thing.
Don't do it.
Grapes kill me if I eat too many grapes.
Do not eat the dragon fruit.
You remember when we came over your house, I went to the bathroom like four times.
Yeah, or more.
That was two, right?
That was two raggedy and frizz.
And that was like two and a half hours after I had done it.
That's awesome.
I had been going to the bathroom consistently for two and a half hours.

(53:50):
And I'm and I, to my knowledge, I've got it.
I've got like factory parts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's wild.
I can't imagine what that would do.
Yeah.
So yeah, it's been the watermelon.
Watermelon man, if I get too much I can still eat certain things.
I just have to do it less.
Less than what you would, you you probably should be eating less anyways and having morenormal portions as compared to.

(54:14):
I would be really bad at that lifestyle.
It is, it's hard.
um In hindsight, I don't know if I would have done it.
I think it saved my life though.
um Because like I said, I was 400 pounds and I didn't care.
uh Even though I had Roxanne and you know, she carried my, you know.
the one story she remembers is as we were dating and I was living with a couple offriends.

(54:38):
I literally had a pile, like just a normal dinner plate, but a pile, probably four incheshigh of just tater tots for myself.
She thought it was for her and everybody else was there and it wasn't, it was just for me.
Just a giant.
I know.
Listen, I ain't gonna pretend like I ain't ever done nothing similar to that.

(55:01):
No, I know, I hear you.
I just happened to be pretty big at the time.
I mean I didn't do some of the lifestyle things that I've heard other people do.
So a couple of friends they would like go get McDonald's and then come home and eatdinner.
Like sit in their truck, eat the McDonald's, then go home, eat dinner.

(55:23):
That's some next level.
So you ready?
Yeah I'm ready.
It's called road sandwich.
Oh yeah.
Anytime that I am sent to Salem for Chick-fil-A, order the family's Chick-fil-A.
And then I order a sandwich.
It's road sandwich.
sandwich, yeah.
I mean, that makes sense.
Road hot dog, Costco.
Ana's like, hey, I need you to stop and get my meds.

(55:45):
Perfect.
Done.
Road dog.
I pull the road move frequently.
That's why I am the way that I am.
Yeah, no, dude.
Road dog, road sandwich.
Yeah, I did that for a while.
so anyway, yeah, now I'm down to about 300.

(56:06):
Yeah.
So I mean, overall, I've lost about 100 pounds.
Yeah, I'd like to be back down even into out of 300 club if I could.
Yeah.
So I'm kind of working on that.
We're going to the gym and you're doing all the things you're supposed to do.
But dude, it's and it's more protein intensive.
So you're supposed to eat more protein than anything else.
You have to just go that route.
Yeah.
Yeah.

(56:26):
I don't always work out that way with young kids and
I was gonna say, like I said, I ate a half, I ate a basically half loaf of breadyesterday.
Just when I came home from work, it was like fresh baked bread, heck yeah, butter, bone.
That's a totally different game.
Yeah.
Like, you can't not.
Yeah.
And my wife made cinnamon rolls for the thing we did.

(56:46):
So it was like, okay.
Yeah.
And it was over the span of the period from like five o'clock until, you know, 11 o'clockwhen it went to bed.
like, shoot.
My social food check is I just have people that work with me at the high school justblatantly fat shame and harass me.
Oh, that's Yeah, it's always nice.
I was loading up a plate of pizza.

(57:07):
I'll tell you the story.
This is fresh.
This wound is fresh.
And I complained about it all day yesterday.
I'm going to complain about it some more.
So there's staff appreciation.
They order pizza.
Oh, yeah.
It's great pizza.
South Paws, they always get South Paws.
OK.
It's never on time because it's not on time.
But they brought pizza and then, you know, I got my plate and I was looking, I always shopthe pizza before I start getting it.

(57:28):
Because I told myself I'm getting two or three slices.
Yeah.
That's reasonable.
I felt like we're still in the realm of reason.
Yeah.
So I went through and I'm looking and I say, OK, OK, I see what we got.
I'm not seeing the three meat.
A little bummed, but that's fine.
So I grabbed a Hawaiian because it's the best.
It's one of the best.
And I grabbed it and I grabbed a pepperoni and I'm like, man, these slices are

(57:51):
They're not the biggest.
So I'm going to do three because I've got like two small to medium slices right now.
Yeah.
And I'm like, wow, the pepperoni is going quick and there's like three boxes of cheese andhardly anybody's touched it.
So I went over and I grabbed a slice of cheese and I put it on top.
then they pulled out the three meat.
They uncracked the three meat.
Yeah.

(58:11):
OK.
And I'm like, ah.
So I said, hey.
Would anybody be weird if I literally just slid this right back over into the box and tooka three meat?
And the lady looked at me and she goes, you've got enough pizza.
You've got enough.
I was like, all right.
important.
I want to know now.
She knows who she is.

(58:33):
then I'm like explaining this to Wehrman.
I was like, dude, all I was going to do is like complaining to him about, I just can putmy cheese back and take a three meat.
Dude took a cheese out of the box in front of me while I'm explaining to him.
I'm like, what are you doing?
He goes, oh, that's my bad, dude, my bad.
was like.
He's not paying attention at all.
was No.

(58:55):
And then meanwhile, there's people coming out of the staff room with like six slices piledup on the thing.
I'm like, yeah, you know, that's fine.
Yeah, no problem.
I get it.
That's cool.
She wasn't there to monitor.
Oh, no, she was.
Oh, she just didn't care.
OK.
She just decided to attack you.
Why?
Why you?
What's it about I'll explain that in a little bit too.
Oh man.
Well, Chris, we've been recording in a bathroom for one hour.

(59:18):
Oh, look, Michael Wall just sent me a picture of his driverless car.
Yoink.
Oh, yeah.
See?
Yes.
Very nice.
What is that?
I'm telling you, it's a Waymo.
A Waymo?
Dude, it's like got a weird thing on top.
It does.
What the heck is that?
Michael Wall.
Michael, I know you listen Is that a Google car?
Michael rented a Google car.

(59:39):
It's literally what it looks like taking pictures of people Michael Michael's like I'm notgetting a Tesla because some Karen's gonna attack me.
Yeah.
Yeah, they might actually I don't know some purple hair is gonna come after me with herTell me how her husband's a CEO The alphabet people they're mad right now the alphabets

(01:00:03):
No, they got another funding taken from them.
So they're defund how dare you
Yeah, I'm gonna be funding anybody.
Nobody needs funds.
Politics aside, they're like, oh, you're gonna lose your job at the school because of allthis.
said I have 1000 % guarantee you I will not like that you if you think that is a reality,you've never worked in education ever for a second.

(01:00:27):
Nope.
nope.
Nope.
Come on by.
We'd to have you.
Come on.
Hey, we got openings.
Yeah, zero sign.
Do you want to be a bus driver?
Do you want to try to operate a large vehicle with 50 plus screaming kids in the back?
Nothing can happen or go wrong there.
Nothing can happen.
You won't hit a curb.
You won't hit a child.
You won't hit.
What are the things that greater Albany public school bus drivers have done in the lastyear?

(01:00:49):
Let me think.
Hit a child.
a curb.
Let's see.
Probably accidents, I'm sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hit another bus.
Oh, yeah.
Put it in the ditch.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All sorts of fun things out there.
It's pretty wild.
You can join the team.
My dad's on the team.

(01:01:10):
He's like, I just drive my bus and do my thing.
I don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, it makes sense.
It's probably better that way.
It's kind of like combat.
I think he goes in.
I've never been to combat, so I shouldn't say that.
But he goes in, he gets his keys.
He does his thing.
He checks his bus.
He does his route.
He comes back.
He puts his keys on his thing.
And he's like, I'm out.
Youngsters learn from that.

(01:01:30):
Yes, yes.
Yes, but Chris, do you have any bathroom wisdom to leave people?
You've left bathroom wisdom before.
You've left a lot in the bathroom before.
But do you have any new or maybe it's the same, but you forgot and that's always fun too.
But do you have any bathroom wisdom to leave?
I remember what I said last time.
Own your stank.
Yes, of course.

(01:01:50):
Own your stank.
So I have that on my car.
that's definitely true.
Yes.
Have you been owning it?
Oh, always.
Yes, you have to.
Everybody enjoys the smell of their own brand.
Come on.
Yeah.
I left my brand at the high school where my desk is.
I kind of have a corner.
And I left my brand the other day and then like seconds after I did it, somebody enteredmy corner and it was like.

(01:02:20):
Did they smell the popcorn?
They had to have.
Smell the popcorn?
There's no chance that this dude did not smell it.
Yeah.
Because it came over like, can you help me with this paper?
And then they sat down in a little chair next to it.
It's like, sure.
Just and I did not own it.
I did not say like, you smell that.
It smells like popcorn over here.
because it's like, not, it's just like, I'm going to allow this teen girl to know whathappened.

(01:02:42):
Exactly.
It's clientele, it's hard.
You know what?
You need help with the paper?
This is what you're walking into.
Like, you could have asked her, but she asked me, so here you are.
Like, you're going to have to live with it.
I ain't here to make friends.
So yeah.
I'm to mistake, it's still the same, but I would also, I mean, I like to, this is thething that I've done since then.
I tell my son,

(01:03:05):
to come and smell the popcorn.
Hey, can you come here?
Do you smell this popcorn over here?
Does this smell like popcorn over here?
And they come over and they're just like, oh, that's awful.
yeah, and so now he has started to do that.
He's dad, can you come here for a second?
I need to take a sniff at this.
We see if this smells like popcorn.
It's great, I love it.

(01:03:25):
It's fun.
Smell the popcorn.
Influencing the uh younger generation.
Yeah.
And now my daughter's caught on, so it's great.
I love it.
Breathe deeply.
Breathe deep.
Yes.
Or the funniest thing that my son actually did, this is pretty funny right now, he hastaken his underpants and stuffed them into my wife's purse as a prank.

(01:03:48):
Oh yes, Just to like prank his mom.
Typically they've been clean, not always though.
uh So yeah.
She pulled out a streaky pin.
yeah, yeah.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
That's funny.
By the way, man, kids just don't know how to wipe anymore.
No, they do not.
My son, he just goes to it and grabs a handful and then holds it like that.

(01:04:12):
So it's just like a crumble pile and he does one and then throws it in.
And maybe we'll go for a second dig, but that's it.
We're playing Minecraft.
Yeah, let's go in for a second, see what kind of treasures we can find there.
And it still comes out so nasty.
So into my dismay, I learned that my son is a crumpler.

(01:04:35):
Ah, yeah.
So he just crumples it all together.
He just like takes it wads it.
Yeah.
And then that's what my son does.
That's what I'm saying.
He like takes it and like grabs a little bit and crumples it.
It doesn't like fold it to try and get as much coverage as you can get.
No, it's just as fast as he can and half the dang time.
As fast as he can.
As fast as he can or he doesn't do it at all.

(01:04:56):
He just leaves and doesn't go.
doesn't wipe.
My thing is, it's probably because he's on his tablet.
That's the thing.
He's on his tablet.
And they sometimes set the tablet backwards on the tank and they're crap, and they gobackwards.
So they're there for like half an hour and you're like, it's my turn, I need to go.
They're like, I'm not done.

(01:05:17):
It's because their show wasn't done.
When my kids were at my parents, they have the oldest, jankiest iPads.
just the crappiest iPads that they've had them forever.
they will, Sarah, my daughter is the worst for it.
She will like go in the bathroom, shut the door, set it down.

(01:05:38):
And she's in there forever.
And like, what are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
Just watching.
Watching the show.
Crap and watches.
you can't bring this in here.
No.
Why?
You do it.
And I'm like, I want bring my iPad.
Yeah, it's just my phone.
It's fine.
I'm not turned backwards.
And I'm not watching anything.

(01:06:00):
Have you gone backwards?
Not at my home, because the bidet makes it almost impossible where it's hooked.
Oh, it would spray But I have done it.
No, but the mechanism that you operate, I would not be able to put my leg.
I see.
So I wouldn't be able to get around the bowl.
But I have done it.
Oh, you have?
Oh, yeah.
OK, I'm going to challenge you.
This Sunday, you need to do it here at the church.

(01:06:22):
OK.
That's easy.
Okay.
mean, I just shut the door.
Well, yeah, it's fine.
But that's fine.
Or not.
No.
I'm just, I'm just going reverse on the thing.
like, yeah, Good morning, brother.
Jesus is good.

(01:06:43):
Amen.
While you're hugging the tank at church.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I might actually do this one in this bathroom right here.
Okay.
Like.
Probably six months ago, I was like, so I heard about these people that like squat.
Oh And it's supposed to like line up your, your intestines.
And so I tried it in here, but like I did not plan ahead.

(01:07:07):
And so I was like squatting on the thing.
And I'm like holding like this, like monkey perched.
And I got it in, like it hit the bowl.
But then the problem was, is like I'm up here and like.
The amount of movement that then I had to do to then wipe was awful.
Yeah.
Why did you stay up there and try and wipe?

(01:07:28):
That'd be worse.
I didn't.
Okay.
I got down.
You had to.
like, it was too much moving.
It's like if you poo and then stand up.
I don't understand how the Chinese like go crap in a hole or I guess the Indian, I don'tknow.
The hole in the ground.
Yeah.
Lord.
Yeah.
Tim Howard is calling me now.
Tim Howard?
must have, has this lady thing started yet?
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe 12.

(01:07:49):
12 maybe.
Well, hey, listener, thank you for being here.
I'm going to do the dog poop pooping in the backyard and close out the show.
Chris, thank you for being here.
um Thank you for your wisdom.
I'm going to save all the things.
You can go check them out in the ding dong below.
Yeah.
Thank you for listening.

(01:08:10):
Keep pooping in the free world.
Own your stank.
Keep on pooping in the free world.
Love it.
You're welcome.
uh
Go smell the popcorn, and now, as always, don't forget to flush.

(01:08:31):
Overgoing urinal flush, it's all good.

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