August 5, 2025 • 28 mins
Marco Brambilla's Demolition Man was a sifi comedy take on A Brave New World. In the Distant future of the 2030's, things are different. One striking difference is how people wipe. Privy observes the 3 Seashells Theory and tries to settle, how do people of the future use these shells to wipe?
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Social and Contact Links: linktr.ee/privycast
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To a Freer World and Cleaner Water:
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Music:
Intro and Outro: Music Derived from "Barroom Ballet" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Transition Music: Blossoming by Podington Bear. www.podingtonbear.com Artist: Podington Bear --
Sources:
Demolition Man: Brambilla, M. (Director). (1993). Demolition Man. Warner Bros.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
and you're like, it's my tender butthole.
Scraping in the human anus generally don't mean.
Welcome back to Privy.
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded from my home bathroom.
(00:21):
I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
Thank you all for being here.
Welcome back and happy Privy summer.
Today for Privy summer, one of the things that picks up in the heat of the swelteringsummer as we sweat ourselves
(00:42):
crotch sweat it.
That's kind of been the theme of this previous summer is crotch sweat.
But a lot of folks head to the coast and so for our podcast episode this time we'reactually heading out to the coast.
Not really.
I'm staying here in home bathroom.
We can record on the coast another time.
God knows it'll happen.
We're going to the coast sort of.
(01:05):
Anytime I go to the beach, doesn't matter what beach, doesn't matter if I've been to thatbeach 15 times, I swan to John.
My daughter has to come back with just the fattest sack full of seashells.
The girl loves seashells and the sad thing is, is by the we get home, she forgets aboutthem and then they sit in the bag in the garage and then they're like, get weird and I
(01:29):
toss them.
Confession time here at the top of the episode.
Sorry, girl.
Many times during summer, we have often spent time at the beach.
But the other thing that happens in the summer that we've done here on the show is it'ssummer movies.
(01:49):
It's the time to get on up and get on out to the movies.
The AC is always cranked in there and it's just a good time.
The kids love it.
This time, we're gonna look at summer movies here on Privy.
And we're also gonna...
take a little trip to the beach.
Rather than looking at a specific genre, which we've done in the past, and determiningwhich movie has the best bathroom scene in that genre, we'll do some more of that in the
(02:16):
future, we're going to check off a topic suggestion that has sat in my topic suggestionssince the first year of this podcast existing.
Today, we're blending the beach, the movies, and the bathroom.
(02:36):
And in doing so, we're going to try and answer a 30 plus year old question and somethingthat has become a fan fascination since the movie's release in the 90s.
And that is, what is the deal with the three seashells in the bathroom in Demolition Man?
(03:06):
These three seashells in Demolition Man remain a source of mystery and humor with fantheories ranging from practical to the absolutely buck wild.
To try to describe this situation is kind of difficult and it's mostly theoretical.
(03:30):
At the point of preparing this episode and at this episode's release, I'm going toconfess, I've not seen Demolition Man.
I've seen enough clips in doing my research and I've read enough synopsises and backgroundinformation that I have a grasp about what's going on.
But to make it clear, if you haven't seen Demolition Man or if this is like, love thismovie and you're like, well, Hoover doesn't know anything that he's talking about because
(03:58):
he's never even seen it.
This is a basic synopsis of the movie.
So there is unrest and intensifying war crime happening in Los Angeles.
I think the movie takes place originally in like 1992.
And then these innocent victims, one of them is a cop named John Spartan.
(04:20):
Sylvester Stallone and another is this thug, Simon Phoenix, played by Wesley Snipes.
They are sentenced to a state of frozen incarceration known as cryo prison.
So they are frozen and their bodies are preserved and then they're finally thawed out 36years later, oh figure 40 years later.
(04:42):
We'll just call it that.
And Los Angeles is now this pacifist society.
Yeah.
Right, called San Angeles, but Phoenix is now again on the loose.
And when you have a pacifist society with this crazy, you know, violent thug on the loose,Spartan, this previous cop, must team up with a future cop, Lenina, played by Sandra
(05:10):
Bullock, to apprehend Simon Phoenix.
So in a pacifist society, you need like an old 40-year-old thought out frozen cop.
to help you stop the new bad guy because everybody's pacifist.
We gotta get somebody that's willing to get his hands dirty.
So the movie was made in the 90s.
(05:30):
And one of the tasks of these like sci-fi movies sometimes where they're set in likemodern day but like they're really set in the future is it was supposed to be like a
utopian, this is what life could be like 40 years down
Based on what I've seen, I guess they didn't get that just everybody would be addicted tophones and they would just be treating like mental illnesses real or otherwise with
(06:01):
various coping mechanisms.
then honestly, like people would be constantly sucking on little vape sticks.
Like they missed that in their research.
I don't know how they couldn't see those things coming.
And then they just spend money they don't have because they can't.
because it makes me happy.
Ours today is a different world from 1990, but it's also a different world from the onethat they imagined when they made the movie.
(06:30):
We're not far off from the date of the movie's events, about five, six years here.
So unless something huge
Not sure.
This man who was frozen in time when he goes to use John Spartan, he froze in time now 40years up in the future in San Angeles.
He goes to use the bathroom.
(06:53):
Now one of the gags of the show is when he goes to use the bathroom, he is frustrated.
by the fact that this ancient dinosaur man, like, he doesn't know how to wipe his butt.
There's not toilet paper to wipe with.
And in the famous scene, he asks his like future cop partner, Sandra Bullock, Lenina, Ithink was her name, and some others in attendance, one of which is Rob Schneider, always a
(07:20):
good time.
And they get a big kick when he's like, well, where's the toilet paper?
They get a big kick out of the fact that this ancient dinosaur idiot man is still usingtoilet paper to wipe his butt.
And I'm here to say.
This episode is being recorded in the year 2025 of Our Lord.
It's the future and this is still the primary path forward.
(07:40):
If you don't believe me, I brought some receipts.
Now, it's all a big gag that I'd say unless something really, again, becomes terriblyrevolutionary in the next five years.
pretty sure we're still gonna be doing pretty good with the toilet paper, old fashionedbutt paper.
(08:04):
In fact, I think we're gonna see a lot of changes in the texture and we've seen Charminmake some developments to the cut of the paper.
I don't think toilet paper is going anywhere because the projected growth for toilet papersales in the next few years is about an annual rate of over 4%.
So yeah, unless the solution is real good,
(08:27):
we're still gonna be using toilet paper.
And I'll be honest, there are some things which could replace toilet paper moving forward.
I think a current contender is bidets.
We've seen bidet sales annual growth rate of 6%, so it's a little more, but it's still notas widely used.
Another possible contender is the flushable wipe.
(08:47):
This also holds about a 4 % annual growth rate.
So it's not impossible that in the future there's other
or maybe better options that we wipe our stank crack with.
But in the strange dystopian world of San Angeles, where somehow like Los Angeles hasgotten better, when in our reality, folks are leaving that crap hole daily.
(09:13):
Like, abandoned ship, California sucks.
Sorry, if you're from California, I love you, but like.
people are leaving because of your leadership.
Like a state is really as only good as its leadership and the people of the state willtolerate the leadership.
So that's my opinion.
(09:33):
And I know, I know, I'm in Oregon, I know what I'm saying.
Like we ain't doing great here either.
But they have some elaborate, like in this dystopian world, folks are like in their thing,they have some elaborate system to wipe your butt that involves
Three seashells.
(09:59):
This futuristic method of wiping presented by the film has become known as the threeseashells kind of theory or debacle.
I want to note to my knowledge and in all my searching, we never see these seashells.
They're just mentioned as a passing gag.
(10:20):
But nonetheless, in the future, people can't let something hold some sort of mysterybecause much like the gold briefcase in pulp fiction,
Demolition man's seashells have garnered a lot of attention and speculation.
Here is a breakdown of the main fan theories.
The first theory is the Chopsticks and Scraper theory.
(10:43):
This theory is often cited, suggests that the first two shells you take and you kinda, andyou get up in there and this is the butthole and you like scoop the poo out.
And then the other one you come in and you scrape away, just really just scrape.
away the residue.
Now, I gotta admit, this sounds bad.
(11:07):
Like, I don't like the notion of removing poo from my butthole via anything that involvesanything resembling the term scraping.
Imagine that when they came out with this, the toilet paper, they're like, yes, scrapeyour poo away.
No.
(11:28):
There's a reason why we teach kids to wipe and not scrape.
It's because our butt holes are tender.
As we learned from our deodorant stick episode where people were upset that apparentlypeople put deodorant in their butt and they're like, it's my tender butthole.
Scraping in the human anus generally don't mix.
And so the next proposed theory is the futuristic bidet theory.
(11:50):
This theory proposes that these three seashells are really
what activate a multi-step cleaning process, water, spray, air, drying, and powderapplication.
The proposal here is that there are three seashell shaped buttons.
(12:10):
Thing is, in the 1990s when the demolition man was frozen, bidets existed.
Like, they probably weren't as widely used and they would not have been as normative.
But this technically would have been known to him, like he would know what a bada is, heknew what buttons were.
(12:32):
For goodness sakes, Nintendo existed in the 90s, you think he doesn't know about buttons?
And so, while it's conceivable that these seashells do operate some button that wouldspray blast his b-hole, I got one right here, mine's a knob.
Huh, did someone say knob?
We just.
We don't have a scene with Sylvester trying to interface with these.
(12:55):
And my imagine is that when he talks about these three seashells is that he picks them up.
You don't pick up buttons.
We just have this joke.
And this is a reminder that that's what this was supposed to be.
It's supposed to be a joke.
It's a gag.
But if these would have, if he'd have like reached for them and they wouldn't move, Ithink he would have tried to push them, even if it was just to push one to see if it was a
(13:19):
button.
Like he's from the past, but he's not from like the middle ages.
He's from the nineties.
They had buttons.
And so.
What is interesting is the past and the future, what they both have in kind of common isthey rarely make buttons look like seashells.
Like I know it probably happens and it's like a stylistic thing, but on the whole, likeyou make buttons look like buttons so you know how to push them.
(13:48):
Think, I don't think you make the buttons look like frigging seashells, especially if it'sto remove poo from your butt, because that's just stupid.
So I think the button theory is bad and dumb.
The next theory is
Well, there are really two of them and that is that there are these like metaphor orsymbology theories that the seashells, the three seashells in Demolition Man are just a
(14:09):
metaphor for certain things.
The first is that they stand as a metaphor for the loss of common sense.
Now, I do believe that this could be one of the social commentaries that's going on in thefilm in this scene because some believe the seashells highlight how these futuristic
societies
can maybe become overly reliant on technology and they lose practical skill.
(14:31):
Like they've wanted to be so highfalutin that like the common sense thing is get sometoilet paper and wipe your butt instead.
They're like, nah, nah, nah.
We got to get like some sort of hard something and get back in there so that way we cansolve this problem.
Lost common sense.
Yeah, I think that is probably a good theory, but I don't think it tells us how you usethem.
(14:56):
While I do think the future will continue to lose common sense if we don't try to findsome, I'm not convinced that this was how you use them.
Like, no, they're still intended to be used as evidenced by the future characters in thestory.
Now, the second metaphor theory is that it's a metaphor for usability.
This interpretation says that the seashells are a metaphor for the challenges of usabilityin product design, where
(15:23):
They highlight more a person's ability to discover and learn and how efficiency are key.
Now, this is stupid because it's essentially saying that they as future people were lessworried about how usable something was and whether it sparked learning and innovation.
And that's fine.
Learning and innovation are good.
But you know when I'm not like super interested in exploring and innovating and playing insandbox creative mode?
(15:51):
It's when I've dropped a sloppy wet pie.
and the residue of my sloppy wet pie is clinging to my crack.
I don't want to innovate then.
I want solutions, not innovation.
So for my money, those two metaphor theories, they don't hold a lot of water.
In an interview, the lead actor of the movie, Sylvester Stallone, was asked about thistheory, and he gave his perspective in what has been called the Sly Stallone theory.
(16:19):
Sylvester Stallone, who starred in the film,
has his theory about these seashells.
He says that the first employed as we discussed, but Stallone says use two seashells inalmost a chopstick method, dear Lord, help us all.
And then the others for scraping.
Again, why scraping?
(16:41):
So Stallone's the chopstick theory is essentially Sylvester Stallone's theory.
Like lead actor of the movie, he says, well, for my money, I'd take two of the seashellsand like it out and then scrape the rest.
Not only do I have to be teased by these future people, but I'm also expected to learn howto use chopsticks in order to wipe my butt.
That's sick.
Like, you're a bad person if that's what you're onto.
(17:07):
Ultimately, the ambiguity of these seashells is part of their appeal, prompting continueddiscussion and humor in the Demolition Man fandom.
The writer in the movie weighed in, in time to tell folks what the motivation for theseseashells was and how they worked.
He says he was trying to come up with a futuristic idea for bathrooms and he wasn't havingmuch luck.
(17:32):
So he called his friend and fellow screenwriter
and they were commenting and he made a comment, man, you've got like a cool beach vibe inyour bathroom.
You got some seashells in your bathroom.
And the idea struck in his brain.
What if in the future they use seashells to wipe?
And I want to note, the writer of the movie in this information does tell us where theidea comes from, but he doesn't answer the question, how are they used?
(18:06):
And so, as a result, people have been left to theorize and speculate with little evidence.
With that in mind, I'm going to take a crack at this.
How were Demolition Man's three seashells used?
And to look at this future toilet paper, I want to first look at the past.
(18:28):
we have talked about the options humans have used for toilet paper in the past on thisshow.
And it seems like in some isolated cases, we might have missed something here.
It turns out there is a mention of a Greek term called Pesoi or Ostrakia.
Pesoi are these small pebbles and Ostrakia are these broken fragments of pottery.
(18:54):
In one Greek parable in reference to relieving yourself, it is said that three Pesoi woulddo the trick.
Indeed, it seems there was a precedent for wiping with smooth stones, which
We've known it before.
but these Ostrakha, these broken fragments of pottery, man, broken fragments are sharp.
(19:20):
I don't know about.
Something else we've discussed on the show in the patriotic privy pits episode was theyfound seashells in many of these privy pits along with bits of cloth and scrap.
And while some have posited this is just the refuse they toss in the pits as wastedisposal, there's seashells in there.
(19:45):
Seashells in the privy pits.
Maybe they should have gone back in time, talked to folks back in the day.
how the rocks and seashells serve their purpose.
Because these generations, these early generations of people had no problem figuring outhow to use seashells to wipe their butt.
(20:05):
And it seems that the solution is so obvious.
It's scraping.
But I want to note, I don't think it's scraping.
Because when I think of scraping, I'm trying to find a good example here.
When I think of scraping, if you have a seashell, it's kind of got this shape.
When I think of scraping, think of it like it's, you're using it to kind of dig, like youcan use a seashell to dig up sand.
(20:27):
That's what I think of when I think of scraping.
Rather than scraping, I think they wiped with the seashells.
They used the smooth backside and they wiped and it kind of scooped that poop away.
And then they can wipe it off in the water, wipe, wipe it off.
(20:50):
The earlier generations had no problem figuring out how to wipe with seashells.
And not only that, it seems that these early generations of people and bathroomingenthusiasts grew tired of wiping with seashells.
(21:10):
How do we know?
Because we have toilet paper.
Toilet paper was invented as the improvement fund.
seashells.
So what do we say of these three seashells?
For my money, it's not a chopstick and scrape theory.
(21:32):
It's a three wipes theory.
And this is something that I think we can tote over into today.
I'm on record saying three to five squares will do the trick.
Here is the method for wiping in the three seashells.
Pretend three seashells
You do not scrape the seashells like this.
You wipe them along the curve.
(21:56):
It's smoother and you use three.
You wipe once to get the big chunks out and then you set it.
And then you take the second one and you wipe it and you set it.
And then you take the third one for anything that you've missed.
You run it through and you set it.
No scraping along the curve so it's not irritating your bunghole.
(22:19):
And then you wash them off in the sink and you put them back.
Demoman can't figure them out because it's the future.
And he is used to technology.
that is an improvement on the three seashells.
And so I think while the Sylvester Stallone's theory and the chopsticks and scoot andscrape theory are the closest, I think they neglect the fact that a seashell has two
(22:43):
sides.
And I believe that they intended the demolition man to use the backside of the seashellwhere it is smoother, where the grain of the curve is not going to scrape your butthole.
It will move along with it.
For my money.
These seashells are exactly what you'd think.
Tools for wiping.
(23:04):
Wiping, not scraping.
He can't figure them out because he's used to better technology toilet paper.
He's actually more sophisticated on them.
He's more sophisticated because he knows that toilet paper is what it is.
And for whatever reason, they have regressed into wiping with seashells as prior to toiletpaper's invention.
(23:29):
Humans once did.
I know while that might be a bit of a buzzkill, this scene which has captured people'sattention with mystery for so long, it's really the simplest solution that is the best.
With that in mind, this brings us to the end of another episode of Privy.
Thank you so much for being here.
We would love for you to check us out online, privy-cast.com.
(23:52):
Go check us out there.
You can follow us on social media.
We're at privycast.
You can follow me.
I'm at aliceheaven.
If you have an episode suggestion, comment, concern, story to share,
leave us an email privycast at gmail.com.
We would love to hear from you.
We actually had a listener submission.
This was from prior guest on the show and friend of the show, Jude Domini.
(24:15):
Jude, thank you for writing in.
He sends two versions, a short and a long.
I'm going to read the long version.
He says, let me set the scene.
I'm sitting at my desktop computer with my daughter on my lap and my wife starts freakingout in the middle of his bath.
Probably his son.
Because his son pooped and then proceeded to play.
Little kids, dude.
(24:36):
They're wild.
Now, can you blame him?
A log came out and it's floating.
It's probably pretty weird to see.
He says his wife doesn't know what to do as he's grunting and making more logs like he'ssome factory worker with a deadline.
He finishes his business and we get him out, dried off, and of course get left to dealwith the tub.
I start draining the tub using a cup to scoop out what I can.
(25:00):
If you haven't had to deal with poop in the bathtub before, when poop gets wet, it fallsapart.
That's facts.
Thank you, Jude, for the reminder.
When poop gets wet, it fall apart.
So he's scooping pieces out of the toilet and it's just breaking apart into more and morepieces and get about half scooped up and the tub finished draining.
(25:21):
And we have one of those tubs where a waffle stomp doesn't cut it because the drain slitslower than the tub.
I use the shower head to get what I can to flush down, but I'm left with no choice.
No foot nor toe would do and there's no other option.
He takes his finger and he waffle stomps with his finger the poo
(25:43):
down into the drain to finish off with a rinse.
He says, I never thought I'd have to do that.
And I hope I never have to again.
I feel your pain, Jude, I feel your pain.
And yes, I do.
Your question was, does this count as a waffle stomp?
Technically, I believe yes.
You forcibly crushed poo down a shower drain.
Welcome to the waffle stomp club, my friend.
(26:06):
You've made it.
Yes, little kids taking baths.
will do deeds and perform acts that you never thought you were gonna have to deal with theresults of before.
And it's truly harrowing at times.
Jude, thank you for writing in.
If you have a story or anything else you'd like to share like Jude, you can write inprivycast at gmail.com.
(26:27):
I will also note, we got another rating on the show left on Apple Podcasts.
If you are able to,
Please leave us a rating and review.
It helps the people find the show, but it also like, yeah, just helps people find it whenthey search and it brings it up to higher in the searches.
(26:47):
The more ratings the show has, leave us a rating.
It takes like 10 seconds to go rate a show.
And for every rating you leave and leave us a written review, I will read them out here onthe show.
But every rating and review you leave, we'll donate a dollar to the Wounded Warriors andLiving Waters International.
As a reminder to keep pooping in the free world.
This free world was not always free and in pursuit of cleaner water for all because noteverybody has it.
(27:10):
Go leave those ratings reviews, share the show with a friend, post it on social media,share it out there.
Word of mouth is huge.
I'm trying to build this thing up a little bit.
I got some fun stuff coming down the line.
Last time you heard an episode of Ranked, I want to do more Ranked, but it does take timeand it does cost to buy the stuff to Rank.
So help the show get out there, tell a friend, share with a friend.
(27:32):
As always, want to thank Kevin McLeod and Pottington Bear for the use of their music thisweek.
You can check them out in the description down below.
This has been another episode of privy.
Thank you all for being here.
Keep pooping in the free world.
Don't, don't find yourself in a mess of waffle stomping.
The poo gets, poo breaks part when get wet.
Don't forget it.
(27:52):
And now, as always, don't forget to flush.
and you're like, it's my tender butthole.
Scraping in the human anus generally don't mean.
Welcome back to Privy.
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded from my home bathroom.
(00:21):
I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
Thank you all for being here.
Welcome back and happy Privy summer.
Today for Privy summer, one of the things that picks up in the heat of the swelteringsummer as we sweat ourselves
(00:42):
crotch sweat it.
That's kind of been the theme of this previous summer is crotch sweat.
But a lot of folks head to the coast and so for our podcast episode this time we'reactually heading out to the coast.
Not really.
I'm staying here in home bathroom.
We can record on the coast another time.
God knows it'll happen.
We're going to the coast sort of.
(01:05):
Anytime I go to the beach, doesn't matter what beach, doesn't matter if I've been to thatbeach 15 times, I swan to John.
My daughter has to come back with just the fattest sack full of seashells.
The girl loves seashells and the sad thing is, is by the we get home, she forgets aboutthem and then they sit in the bag in the garage and then they're like, get weird and I
(01:29):
toss them.
Confession time here at the top of the episode.
Sorry, girl.
Many times during summer, we have often spent time at the beach.
But the other thing that happens in the summer that we've done here on the show is it'ssummer movies.
(01:49):
It's the time to get on up and get on out to the movies.
The AC is always cranked in there and it's just a good time.
The kids love it.
This time, we're gonna look at summer movies here on Privy.
And we're also gonna...
take a little trip to the beach.
Rather than looking at a specific genre, which we've done in the past, and determiningwhich movie has the best bathroom scene in that genre, we'll do some more of that in the
(02:16):
future, we're going to check off a topic suggestion that has sat in my topic suggestionssince the first year of this podcast existing.
Today, we're blending the beach, the movies, and the bathroom.
(02:36):
And in doing so, we're going to try and answer a 30 plus year old question and somethingthat has become a fan fascination since the movie's release in the 90s.
And that is, what is the deal with the three seashells in the bathroom in Demolition Man?
(03:06):
These three seashells in Demolition Man remain a source of mystery and humor with fantheories ranging from practical to the absolutely buck wild.
To try to describe this situation is kind of difficult and it's mostly theoretical.
(03:30):
At the point of preparing this episode and at this episode's release, I'm going toconfess, I've not seen Demolition Man.
I've seen enough clips in doing my research and I've read enough synopsises and backgroundinformation that I have a grasp about what's going on.
But to make it clear, if you haven't seen Demolition Man or if this is like, love thismovie and you're like, well, Hoover doesn't know anything that he's talking about because
(03:58):
he's never even seen it.
This is a basic synopsis of the movie.
So there is unrest and intensifying war crime happening in Los Angeles.
I think the movie takes place originally in like 1992.
And then these innocent victims, one of them is a cop named John Spartan.
(04:20):
Sylvester Stallone and another is this thug, Simon Phoenix, played by Wesley Snipes.
They are sentenced to a state of frozen incarceration known as cryo prison.
So they are frozen and their bodies are preserved and then they're finally thawed out 36years later, oh figure 40 years later.
(04:42):
We'll just call it that.
And Los Angeles is now this pacifist society.
Yeah.
Right, called San Angeles, but Phoenix is now again on the loose.
And when you have a pacifist society with this crazy, you know, violent thug on the loose,Spartan, this previous cop, must team up with a future cop, Lenina, played by Sandra
(05:10):
Bullock, to apprehend Simon Phoenix.
So in a pacifist society, you need like an old 40-year-old thought out frozen cop.
to help you stop the new bad guy because everybody's pacifist.
We gotta get somebody that's willing to get his hands dirty.
So the movie was made in the 90s.
(05:30):
And one of the tasks of these like sci-fi movies sometimes where they're set in likemodern day but like they're really set in the future is it was supposed to be like a
utopian, this is what life could be like 40 years down
Based on what I've seen, I guess they didn't get that just everybody would be addicted tophones and they would just be treating like mental illnesses real or otherwise with
(06:01):
various coping mechanisms.
then honestly, like people would be constantly sucking on little vape sticks.
Like they missed that in their research.
I don't know how they couldn't see those things coming.
And then they just spend money they don't have because they can't.
because it makes me happy.
Ours today is a different world from 1990, but it's also a different world from the onethat they imagined when they made the movie.
(06:30):
We're not far off from the date of the movie's events, about five, six years here.
So unless something huge
Not sure.
This man who was frozen in time when he goes to use John Spartan, he froze in time now 40years up in the future in San Angeles.
He goes to use the bathroom.
(06:53):
Now one of the gags of the show is when he goes to use the bathroom, he is frustrated.
by the fact that this ancient dinosaur man, like, he doesn't know how to wipe his butt.
There's not toilet paper to wipe with.
And in the famous scene, he asks his like future cop partner, Sandra Bullock, Lenina, Ithink was her name, and some others in attendance, one of which is Rob Schneider, always a
(07:20):
good time.
And they get a big kick when he's like, well, where's the toilet paper?
They get a big kick out of the fact that this ancient dinosaur idiot man is still usingtoilet paper to wipe his butt.
And I'm here to say.
This episode is being recorded in the year 2025 of Our Lord.
It's the future and this is still the primary path forward.
(07:40):
If you don't believe me, I brought some receipts.
Now, it's all a big gag that I'd say unless something really, again, becomes terriblyrevolutionary in the next five years.
pretty sure we're still gonna be doing pretty good with the toilet paper, old fashionedbutt paper.
(08:04):
In fact, I think we're gonna see a lot of changes in the texture and we've seen Charminmake some developments to the cut of the paper.
I don't think toilet paper is going anywhere because the projected growth for toilet papersales in the next few years is about an annual rate of over 4%.
So yeah, unless the solution is real good,
(08:27):
we're still gonna be using toilet paper.
And I'll be honest, there are some things which could replace toilet paper moving forward.
I think a current contender is bidets.
We've seen bidet sales annual growth rate of 6%, so it's a little more, but it's still notas widely used.
Another possible contender is the flushable wipe.
(08:47):
This also holds about a 4 % annual growth rate.
So it's not impossible that in the future there's other
or maybe better options that we wipe our stank crack with.
But in the strange dystopian world of San Angeles, where somehow like Los Angeles hasgotten better, when in our reality, folks are leaving that crap hole daily.
(09:13):
Like, abandoned ship, California sucks.
Sorry, if you're from California, I love you, but like.
people are leaving because of your leadership.
Like a state is really as only good as its leadership and the people of the state willtolerate the leadership.
So that's my opinion.
(09:33):
And I know, I know, I'm in Oregon, I know what I'm saying.
Like we ain't doing great here either.
But they have some elaborate, like in this dystopian world, folks are like in their thing,they have some elaborate system to wipe your butt that involves
Three seashells.
(09:59):
This futuristic method of wiping presented by the film has become known as the threeseashells kind of theory or debacle.
I want to note to my knowledge and in all my searching, we never see these seashells.
They're just mentioned as a passing gag.
(10:20):
But nonetheless, in the future, people can't let something hold some sort of mysterybecause much like the gold briefcase in pulp fiction,
Demolition man's seashells have garnered a lot of attention and speculation.
Here is a breakdown of the main fan theories.
The first theory is the Chopsticks and Scraper theory.
(10:43):
This theory is often cited, suggests that the first two shells you take and you kinda, andyou get up in there and this is the butthole and you like scoop the poo out.
And then the other one you come in and you scrape away, just really just scrape.
away the residue.
Now, I gotta admit, this sounds bad.
(11:07):
Like, I don't like the notion of removing poo from my butthole via anything that involvesanything resembling the term scraping.
Imagine that when they came out with this, the toilet paper, they're like, yes, scrapeyour poo away.
No.
(11:28):
There's a reason why we teach kids to wipe and not scrape.
It's because our butt holes are tender.
As we learned from our deodorant stick episode where people were upset that apparentlypeople put deodorant in their butt and they're like, it's my tender butthole.
Scraping in the human anus generally don't mix.
And so the next proposed theory is the futuristic bidet theory.
(11:50):
This theory proposes that these three seashells are really
what activate a multi-step cleaning process, water, spray, air, drying, and powderapplication.
The proposal here is that there are three seashell shaped buttons.
(12:10):
Thing is, in the 1990s when the demolition man was frozen, bidets existed.
Like, they probably weren't as widely used and they would not have been as normative.
But this technically would have been known to him, like he would know what a bada is, heknew what buttons were.
(12:32):
For goodness sakes, Nintendo existed in the 90s, you think he doesn't know about buttons?
And so, while it's conceivable that these seashells do operate some button that wouldspray blast his b-hole, I got one right here, mine's a knob.
Huh, did someone say knob?
We just.
We don't have a scene with Sylvester trying to interface with these.
(12:55):
And my imagine is that when he talks about these three seashells is that he picks them up.
You don't pick up buttons.
We just have this joke.
And this is a reminder that that's what this was supposed to be.
It's supposed to be a joke.
It's a gag.
But if these would have, if he'd have like reached for them and they wouldn't move, Ithink he would have tried to push them, even if it was just to push one to see if it was a
(13:19):
button.
Like he's from the past, but he's not from like the middle ages.
He's from the nineties.
They had buttons.
And so.
What is interesting is the past and the future, what they both have in kind of common isthey rarely make buttons look like seashells.
Like I know it probably happens and it's like a stylistic thing, but on the whole, likeyou make buttons look like buttons so you know how to push them.
(13:48):
Think, I don't think you make the buttons look like frigging seashells, especially if it'sto remove poo from your butt, because that's just stupid.
So I think the button theory is bad and dumb.
The next theory is
Well, there are really two of them and that is that there are these like metaphor orsymbology theories that the seashells, the three seashells in Demolition Man are just a
(14:09):
metaphor for certain things.
The first is that they stand as a metaphor for the loss of common sense.
Now, I do believe that this could be one of the social commentaries that's going on in thefilm in this scene because some believe the seashells highlight how these futuristic
societies
can maybe become overly reliant on technology and they lose practical skill.
(14:31):
Like they've wanted to be so highfalutin that like the common sense thing is get sometoilet paper and wipe your butt instead.
They're like, nah, nah, nah.
We got to get like some sort of hard something and get back in there so that way we cansolve this problem.
Lost common sense.
Yeah, I think that is probably a good theory, but I don't think it tells us how you usethem.
(14:56):
While I do think the future will continue to lose common sense if we don't try to findsome, I'm not convinced that this was how you use them.
Like, no, they're still intended to be used as evidenced by the future characters in thestory.
Now, the second metaphor theory is that it's a metaphor for usability.
This interpretation says that the seashells are a metaphor for the challenges of usabilityin product design, where
(15:23):
They highlight more a person's ability to discover and learn and how efficiency are key.
Now, this is stupid because it's essentially saying that they as future people were lessworried about how usable something was and whether it sparked learning and innovation.
And that's fine.
Learning and innovation are good.
But you know when I'm not like super interested in exploring and innovating and playing insandbox creative mode?
(15:51):
It's when I've dropped a sloppy wet pie.
and the residue of my sloppy wet pie is clinging to my crack.
I don't want to innovate then.
I want solutions, not innovation.
So for my money, those two metaphor theories, they don't hold a lot of water.
In an interview, the lead actor of the movie, Sylvester Stallone, was asked about thistheory, and he gave his perspective in what has been called the Sly Stallone theory.
(16:19):
Sylvester Stallone, who starred in the film,
has his theory about these seashells.
He says that the first employed as we discussed, but Stallone says use two seashells inalmost a chopstick method, dear Lord, help us all.
And then the others for scraping.
Again, why scraping?
(16:41):
So Stallone's the chopstick theory is essentially Sylvester Stallone's theory.
Like lead actor of the movie, he says, well, for my money, I'd take two of the seashellsand like it out and then scrape the rest.
Not only do I have to be teased by these future people, but I'm also expected to learn howto use chopsticks in order to wipe my butt.
That's sick.
Like, you're a bad person if that's what you're onto.
(17:07):
Ultimately, the ambiguity of these seashells is part of their appeal, prompting continueddiscussion and humor in the Demolition Man fandom.
The writer in the movie weighed in, in time to tell folks what the motivation for theseseashells was and how they worked.
He says he was trying to come up with a futuristic idea for bathrooms and he wasn't havingmuch luck.
(17:32):
So he called his friend and fellow screenwriter
and they were commenting and he made a comment, man, you've got like a cool beach vibe inyour bathroom.
You got some seashells in your bathroom.
And the idea struck in his brain.
What if in the future they use seashells to wipe?
And I want to note, the writer of the movie in this information does tell us where theidea comes from, but he doesn't answer the question, how are they used?
(18:06):
And so, as a result, people have been left to theorize and speculate with little evidence.
With that in mind, I'm going to take a crack at this.
How were Demolition Man's three seashells used?
And to look at this future toilet paper, I want to first look at the past.
(18:28):
we have talked about the options humans have used for toilet paper in the past on thisshow.
And it seems like in some isolated cases, we might have missed something here.
It turns out there is a mention of a Greek term called Pesoi or Ostrakia.
Pesoi are these small pebbles and Ostrakia are these broken fragments of pottery.
(18:54):
In one Greek parable in reference to relieving yourself, it is said that three Pesoi woulddo the trick.
Indeed, it seems there was a precedent for wiping with smooth stones, which
We've known it before.
but these Ostrakha, these broken fragments of pottery, man, broken fragments are sharp.
(19:20):
I don't know about.
Something else we've discussed on the show in the patriotic privy pits episode was theyfound seashells in many of these privy pits along with bits of cloth and scrap.
And while some have posited this is just the refuse they toss in the pits as wastedisposal, there's seashells in there.
(19:45):
Seashells in the privy pits.
Maybe they should have gone back in time, talked to folks back in the day.
how the rocks and seashells serve their purpose.
Because these generations, these early generations of people had no problem figuring outhow to use seashells to wipe their butt.
(20:05):
And it seems that the solution is so obvious.
It's scraping.
But I want to note, I don't think it's scraping.
Because when I think of scraping, I'm trying to find a good example here.
When I think of scraping, if you have a seashell, it's kind of got this shape.
When I think of scraping, think of it like it's, you're using it to kind of dig, like youcan use a seashell to dig up sand.
(20:27):
That's what I think of when I think of scraping.
Rather than scraping, I think they wiped with the seashells.
They used the smooth backside and they wiped and it kind of scooped that poop away.
And then they can wipe it off in the water, wipe, wipe it off.
(20:50):
The earlier generations had no problem figuring out how to wipe with seashells.
And not only that, it seems that these early generations of people and bathroomingenthusiasts grew tired of wiping with seashells.
(21:10):
How do we know?
Because we have toilet paper.
Toilet paper was invented as the improvement fund.
seashells.
So what do we say of these three seashells?
For my money, it's not a chopstick and scrape theory.
(21:32):
It's a three wipes theory.
And this is something that I think we can tote over into today.
I'm on record saying three to five squares will do the trick.
Here is the method for wiping in the three seashells.
Pretend three seashells
You do not scrape the seashells like this.
You wipe them along the curve.
(21:56):
It's smoother and you use three.
You wipe once to get the big chunks out and then you set it.
And then you take the second one and you wipe it and you set it.
And then you take the third one for anything that you've missed.
You run it through and you set it.
No scraping along the curve so it's not irritating your bunghole.
(22:19):
And then you wash them off in the sink and you put them back.
Demoman can't figure them out because it's the future.
And he is used to technology.
that is an improvement on the three seashells.
And so I think while the Sylvester Stallone's theory and the chopsticks and scoot andscrape theory are the closest, I think they neglect the fact that a seashell has two
(22:43):
sides.
And I believe that they intended the demolition man to use the backside of the seashellwhere it is smoother, where the grain of the curve is not going to scrape your butthole.
It will move along with it.
For my money.
These seashells are exactly what you'd think.
Tools for wiping.
(23:04):
Wiping, not scraping.
He can't figure them out because he's used to better technology toilet paper.
He's actually more sophisticated on them.
He's more sophisticated because he knows that toilet paper is what it is.
And for whatever reason, they have regressed into wiping with seashells as prior to toiletpaper's invention.
(23:29):
Humans once did.
I know while that might be a bit of a buzzkill, this scene which has captured people'sattention with mystery for so long, it's really the simplest solution that is the best.
With that in mind, this brings us to the end of another episode of Privy.
Thank you so much for being here.
We would love for you to check us out online, privy-cast.com.
(23:52):
Go check us out there.
You can follow us on social media.
We're at privycast.
You can follow me.
I'm at aliceheaven.
If you have an episode suggestion, comment, concern, story to share,
leave us an email privycast at gmail.com.
We would love to hear from you.
We actually had a listener submission.
This was from prior guest on the show and friend of the show, Jude Domini.
(24:15):
Jude, thank you for writing in.
He sends two versions, a short and a long.
I'm going to read the long version.
He says, let me set the scene.
I'm sitting at my desktop computer with my daughter on my lap and my wife starts freakingout in the middle of his bath.
Probably his son.
Because his son pooped and then proceeded to play.
Little kids, dude.
(24:36):
They're wild.
Now, can you blame him?
A log came out and it's floating.
It's probably pretty weird to see.
He says his wife doesn't know what to do as he's grunting and making more logs like he'ssome factory worker with a deadline.
He finishes his business and we get him out, dried off, and of course get left to dealwith the tub.
I start draining the tub using a cup to scoop out what I can.
(25:00):
If you haven't had to deal with poop in the bathtub before, when poop gets wet, it fallsapart.
That's facts.
Thank you, Jude, for the reminder.
When poop gets wet, it fall apart.
So he's scooping pieces out of the toilet and it's just breaking apart into more and morepieces and get about half scooped up and the tub finished draining.
(25:21):
And we have one of those tubs where a waffle stomp doesn't cut it because the drain slitslower than the tub.
I use the shower head to get what I can to flush down, but I'm left with no choice.
No foot nor toe would do and there's no other option.
He takes his finger and he waffle stomps with his finger the poo
(25:43):
down into the drain to finish off with a rinse.
He says, I never thought I'd have to do that.
And I hope I never have to again.
I feel your pain, Jude, I feel your pain.
And yes, I do.
Your question was, does this count as a waffle stomp?
Technically, I believe yes.
You forcibly crushed poo down a shower drain.
Welcome to the waffle stomp club, my friend.
(26:06):
You've made it.
Yes, little kids taking baths.
will do deeds and perform acts that you never thought you were gonna have to deal with theresults of before.
And it's truly harrowing at times.
Jude, thank you for writing in.
If you have a story or anything else you'd like to share like Jude, you can write inprivycast at gmail.com.
(26:27):
I will also note, we got another rating on the show left on Apple Podcasts.
If you are able to,
Please leave us a rating and review.
It helps the people find the show, but it also like, yeah, just helps people find it whenthey search and it brings it up to higher in the searches.
(26:47):
The more ratings the show has, leave us a rating.
It takes like 10 seconds to go rate a show.
And for every rating you leave and leave us a written review, I will read them out here onthe show.
But every rating and review you leave, we'll donate a dollar to the Wounded Warriors andLiving Waters International.
As a reminder to keep pooping in the free world.
This free world was not always free and in pursuit of cleaner water for all because noteverybody has it.
(27:10):
Go leave those ratings reviews, share the show with a friend, post it on social media,share it out there.
Word of mouth is huge.
I'm trying to build this thing up a little bit.
I got some fun stuff coming down the line.
Last time you heard an episode of Ranked, I want to do more Ranked, but it does take timeand it does cost to buy the stuff to Rank.
So help the show get out there, tell a friend, share with a friend.
(27:32):
As always, want to thank Kevin McLeod and Pottington Bear for the use of their music thisweek.
You can check them out in the description down below.
This has been another episode of privy.
Thank you all for being here.
Keep pooping in the free world.
Don't, don't find yourself in a mess of waffle stomping.
The poo gets, poo breaks part when get wet.
Don't forget it.
(27:52):
And now, as always, don't forget to flush.
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