February 4, 2025 • 11 mins
In this episode of Prosecco Queens, Teresa explores the concept of shame, discussing its origins, how it manifests in our lives, and practical steps to overcome it. She emphasizes that shame is not an emotion but a learned belief that can be unlearned. Through personal anecdotes, Teresa illustrates the impact of shame on her life and encourages listeners to embrace self-compassion and take actionable steps to evict shame from their mental space.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back my fabulous friends to another episode of Perseco Queens.
(00:04):
It's 2025 and you're here with me, your host and forever dreamer, Teresa.
Sipping our way through life's messiness with sincerity,
humor, and of course a little bit of humility.
Now before we dive in today's topic, let's take a deep breath.
Hold and exhale.
(00:24):
Ah, that's the sweet sound of releasing unnecessary baggage, baggage like shame.
Yep, today we're talking about the delusion of shame, where it comes from,
why it is not an emotion, and how we kick it to the curb.
So let's get into it.
All right, so let's start with the basics.
(00:45):
Shame per the dictionary.
It says it is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress
caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
You know the voice that shows up uninvited at 2am when you're just trying to sleep.
The intrusive thoughts you can never act upon and surely will never speak about,
but because not only the threat of embarrassment, but the judgment that could come with it.
(01:08):
Or how about your secrets, those deep dark ones that pop up every once in a while
and you have to push them way back down?
Or lastly, those horrific moments of pure public or private embarrassment
that you constantly relive.
We all have them.
And I'm fighting through a few myself and I'll get more to that later.
(01:28):
But even with all of this, let me hit you with a truth bomb.
Shame is not an emotion.
Hell no.
Emotions are things like happiness, sadness, anger.
You feel them, you process them, they pass through.
Now this takes self-awareness, recognition, practice, patience, and acceptance.
And I will say that if you still aren't sure of the difference,
(01:49):
the movies inside out one and two won't just explain it, it will make you feel all the emotions.
Feel good family fun.
But not shame.
Shame is not an emotion.
Shame is a belief.
It's a learned response.
It's like bad software update that got installed somewhere in childhood
and has been slowing down our system and development ever since.
(02:11):
And news flash, we do not have to keep that program running.
If you listen to my past episode about unworthiness, then you will understand how shame falls under the same umbrella.
These are responses to what our families and society tell us are appropriate.
Okay, so if shame isn't an emotion, where does it come from?
(02:32):
Well, let's rewind again.
Picture little you running around just vibing until bam, someone tells you that's not how we act.
Or you should be ashamed of yourself.
And because tiny humans are like sponges and are not fully developed yet until at least 25,
we absorb that and start believing that we are wrong, not just our actions, but us.
(02:58):
And let's not even get started on societal shame.
Hello unrealistic beauty standards, career expectations, and all the shoulds we pile onto ourselves.
Then we become adults and all we do is shoot all over us.
Shame isn't innate, it's taught.
And if it's taught, guess what?
It can be unlearned.
So story time.
(03:19):
I promised I would give a little personal background with shame for context and transparency.
I always felt at times I was very different.
I felt that was never really pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough or smart enough.
And in hindsight, I realized how little that all mattered because I've always been a genuine person who actually had talent.
Because I used to sing and I write and I got decent grades.
(03:43):
But I never recognized the queen I needed to be.
And it has taken me into my fifth decade of life to start living that reality.
On my earlier episodes, which I urge you to listen to, if you haven't already,
I discussed the fact that when I was growing up, I had major anxiety.
Before the words for it ever really existed in the way it does now.
This then turned into health anxiety.
(04:05):
And affliction, commonly called hypochondria.
And when I still fight with on a small scale, more than I'd like to admit.
And I suffered in silence.
My parents knew something was wrong and took me to a lot of doctors.
And of course, there was nothing there, thank God.
But when I got to the point that even my parents thought I might be crazy,
I bottled it up and kept it inside and suffered in silence for many years after that.
(04:31):
And this was because of the shame of something I didn't understand.
I never told my friends or even some of the people closest to me.
Because I didn't want to burden them or be different.
And it wasn't until one of the episodes with my girlfriend Raquel,
did she even tell me at the same time she was suffering as well.
And as young girls, we were so accustomed to keeping it to ourselves
(04:55):
that we never once thought that we could share it with each other.
And maybe be some sort of comfort to each other.
Which is what we've done over the years.
On top of everything else, I got married in my 20s to my last high school boyfriend.
And after we had our daughter, that marriage did not last.
Because I had to escape it.
Because on top of my anxiety problems, which at that point I had basically wrapped up,
(05:20):
he was extremely sick mentally.
So then on top of everything else, I had the shame of the sickness of his
plus a broken marriage and being a single mother.
And then just when I find somebody who I'm finally happy with after
and who I think is the love of my life, COVID hits.
And I found out that the love of my life was not the person I thought he was.
(05:43):
And I had to deal with partner betrayal, trauma, severe PTSD,
my anxiety again because of the grief and the pain.
And then here came the shame again because now on top of everything else,
I have a second failed marriage and I wasn't even 40 yet.
Now I have two children with two men.
And if you hear the stuff the society says about single moms, it's just wild.
(06:04):
There's always this judgment about having babies with multiple guys.
Like women aren't allowed to start over.
And let me not even go into men having multiple kids with multiple women.
We know for sure that's never looked at incorrectly.
But FYI, if we knew the relationship wasn't going to work out,
some people may have chosen differently.
But not me because my babies are my life.
(06:25):
But everybody's situation is different.
But I just knew people were going to look at me like I was the reason for all these failures.
One, because I had his family literally tell me that even though I was the victim
and supporter.
And two, because I was humiliated.
I let all these situations dictate who I was
(06:47):
because I felt that I allowed them into my life and into my family.
I stopped chasing any dreams that I thought I might have had.
One of them I laugh and say is kind of dumb, but I saw one of my secrets.
I would love to host Saturday Night Live one day.
But I digress.
It took me up until a couple of years ago to start to take my voice back
(07:10):
and to learn what my voice actually was.
Unfortunately in my household right now,
my oldest daughter is struggling with some of the same afflictions
us and her family have struggled with.
And it has been a tough ride.
And I will not talk any more detail about her situation.
But as a family and as a single mother,
I am blessed with the support I have for her and myself.
(07:31):
But sometimes I have to try to shake off some of the shame I feel
that I could not protect her from something that may just be biological.
Now I know she'll be fine and she has a very bright future
because that's how I've been training my brain.
She just has to believe that as well as you have to believe that for yourself.
But because of all the stigmas out there from everything to sexuality,
(07:52):
parenthood, careers, education, culture,
and literally everything in between,
we always feel like we're not adding up.
And as I've gotten older,
there are moments that shame seriously creeps up on me.
But understanding that there is no shame in having a little shame
as long as you are not letting it take over your life
and letting it cause a downfall of your health,
(08:13):
whether that be mental or physical.
There's always going to be parts of us that we refuse to share with the world.
And that's okay because we are allowed to have moments
where we're not only less than perfect,
but our shame does not need to come out of the recesses of our mind.
Remember though, you have the power to overcome this learned and taught belief.
Alright my kings and queens,
(08:34):
so now it's time to evict shame from our mental real estate.
And here's how.
First, we call it out.
Shame thrives in silence.
It's like on worthiness and ego.
So say it out loud, journal it.
Tell your pets or your therapists.
And for us more spiritual and religious folks,
speak to your angels.
(08:55):
Whatever works, but get it out of your head.
Secondly, separate yourself from it.
You are not your past mistakes
or the actions of others thrust upon you.
Repeat after me.
I am not the things I regret.
I am the person who grew from them.
Third, reframe the narrative.
(09:16):
Instead of I am so ashamed I did that,
try I learned something valuable from that experience.
Shift the perspective and you will take away its power over you.
And lastly, surround yourself with truth tellers.
Friends who remind you of who you really are,
not who shame says you are.
And if you don't have those people yet,
(09:37):
hey, I'm here.
And I say, you're freaking amazing.
So my love's in closing.
Let's raise our glasses to kicking shame out the door
and choosing self-compassion instead.
I know it seems easier said than done.
And some, some shames seem insurmountable
because they are so ingrained and deep seated.
(09:58):
But all it takes is the next right thing.
You are worthy, you are lovable,
and hopefully a good empathetic person
because it is scary out there.
An empathy seems to be at an all-time low.
And you, my dears, are not your past.
Thank you for sharing this moment with me.
(10:19):
If this episode resonated, send it to a friend
who needs a reminder that they are enough.
Just like you are enough.
Please leave a review or tag me on social media
at Perseco Queen's podcast.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your own stories.
And if you have a story to tell and would like to be on the show,
I can also be reached at PersecoQueensPodcast at gmail.com.
(10:40):
Don't forget I'm also on YouTube, so please subscribe.
Next week, we're talking about the art of not giving a sparkling dam.
You do not want to miss it.
Okay, I'm just kidding.
But we will be talking about what happens
when we take off the rose-colored glasses in our lives.
Maybe some of the art of not giving a dam.
Until then, stay fabulous, stay kind to yourself,
(11:02):
and in the illustrious words of Tony Braxton,
let it flow, let it flow, let it go.
Peace out.
Welcome back my fabulous friends to another episode of Perseco Queens.
(00:04):
It's 2025 and you're here with me, your host and forever dreamer, Teresa.
Sipping our way through life's messiness with sincerity,
humor, and of course a little bit of humility.
Now before we dive in today's topic, let's take a deep breath.
Hold and exhale.
(00:24):
Ah, that's the sweet sound of releasing unnecessary baggage, baggage like shame.
Yep, today we're talking about the delusion of shame, where it comes from,
why it is not an emotion, and how we kick it to the curb.
So let's get into it.
All right, so let's start with the basics.
(00:45):
Shame per the dictionary.
It says it is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress
caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
You know the voice that shows up uninvited at 2am when you're just trying to sleep.
The intrusive thoughts you can never act upon and surely will never speak about,
but because not only the threat of embarrassment, but the judgment that could come with it.
(01:08):
Or how about your secrets, those deep dark ones that pop up every once in a while
and you have to push them way back down?
Or lastly, those horrific moments of pure public or private embarrassment
that you constantly relive.
We all have them.
And I'm fighting through a few myself and I'll get more to that later.
(01:28):
But even with all of this, let me hit you with a truth bomb.
Shame is not an emotion.
Hell no.
Emotions are things like happiness, sadness, anger.
You feel them, you process them, they pass through.
Now this takes self-awareness, recognition, practice, patience, and acceptance.
And I will say that if you still aren't sure of the difference,
(01:49):
the movies inside out one and two won't just explain it, it will make you feel all the emotions.
Feel good family fun.
But not shame.
Shame is not an emotion.
Shame is a belief.
It's a learned response.
It's like bad software update that got installed somewhere in childhood
and has been slowing down our system and development ever since.
(02:11):
And news flash, we do not have to keep that program running.
If you listen to my past episode about unworthiness, then you will understand how shame falls under the same umbrella.
These are responses to what our families and society tell us are appropriate.
Okay, so if shame isn't an emotion, where does it come from?
(02:32):
Well, let's rewind again.
Picture little you running around just vibing until bam, someone tells you that's not how we act.
Or you should be ashamed of yourself.
And because tiny humans are like sponges and are not fully developed yet until at least 25,
we absorb that and start believing that we are wrong, not just our actions, but us.
(02:58):
And let's not even get started on societal shame.
Hello unrealistic beauty standards, career expectations, and all the shoulds we pile onto ourselves.
Then we become adults and all we do is shoot all over us.
Shame isn't innate, it's taught.
And if it's taught, guess what?
It can be unlearned.
So story time.
(03:19):
I promised I would give a little personal background with shame for context and transparency.
I always felt at times I was very different.
I felt that was never really pretty enough, skinny enough, talented enough or smart enough.
And in hindsight, I realized how little that all mattered because I've always been a genuine person who actually had talent.
Because I used to sing and I write and I got decent grades.
(03:43):
But I never recognized the queen I needed to be.
And it has taken me into my fifth decade of life to start living that reality.
On my earlier episodes, which I urge you to listen to, if you haven't already,
I discussed the fact that when I was growing up, I had major anxiety.
Before the words for it ever really existed in the way it does now.
This then turned into health anxiety.
(04:05):
And affliction, commonly called hypochondria.
And when I still fight with on a small scale, more than I'd like to admit.
And I suffered in silence.
My parents knew something was wrong and took me to a lot of doctors.
And of course, there was nothing there, thank God.
But when I got to the point that even my parents thought I might be crazy,
I bottled it up and kept it inside and suffered in silence for many years after that.
(04:31):
And this was because of the shame of something I didn't understand.
I never told my friends or even some of the people closest to me.
Because I didn't want to burden them or be different.
And it wasn't until one of the episodes with my girlfriend Raquel,
did she even tell me at the same time she was suffering as well.
And as young girls, we were so accustomed to keeping it to ourselves
(04:55):
that we never once thought that we could share it with each other.
And maybe be some sort of comfort to each other.
Which is what we've done over the years.
On top of everything else, I got married in my 20s to my last high school boyfriend.
And after we had our daughter, that marriage did not last.
Because I had to escape it.
Because on top of my anxiety problems, which at that point I had basically wrapped up,
(05:20):
he was extremely sick mentally.
So then on top of everything else, I had the shame of the sickness of his
plus a broken marriage and being a single mother.
And then just when I find somebody who I'm finally happy with after
and who I think is the love of my life, COVID hits.
And I found out that the love of my life was not the person I thought he was.
(05:43):
And I had to deal with partner betrayal, trauma, severe PTSD,
my anxiety again because of the grief and the pain.
And then here came the shame again because now on top of everything else,
I have a second failed marriage and I wasn't even 40 yet.
Now I have two children with two men.
And if you hear the stuff the society says about single moms, it's just wild.
(06:04):
There's always this judgment about having babies with multiple guys.
Like women aren't allowed to start over.
And let me not even go into men having multiple kids with multiple women.
We know for sure that's never looked at incorrectly.
But FYI, if we knew the relationship wasn't going to work out,
some people may have chosen differently.
But not me because my babies are my life.
(06:25):
But everybody's situation is different.
But I just knew people were going to look at me like I was the reason for all these failures.
One, because I had his family literally tell me that even though I was the victim
and supporter.
And two, because I was humiliated.
I let all these situations dictate who I was
(06:47):
because I felt that I allowed them into my life and into my family.
I stopped chasing any dreams that I thought I might have had.
One of them I laugh and say is kind of dumb, but I saw one of my secrets.
I would love to host Saturday Night Live one day.
But I digress.
It took me up until a couple of years ago to start to take my voice back
(07:10):
and to learn what my voice actually was.
Unfortunately in my household right now,
my oldest daughter is struggling with some of the same afflictions
us and her family have struggled with.
And it has been a tough ride.
And I will not talk any more detail about her situation.
But as a family and as a single mother,
I am blessed with the support I have for her and myself.
(07:31):
But sometimes I have to try to shake off some of the shame I feel
that I could not protect her from something that may just be biological.
Now I know she'll be fine and she has a very bright future
because that's how I've been training my brain.
She just has to believe that as well as you have to believe that for yourself.
But because of all the stigmas out there from everything to sexuality,
(07:52):
parenthood, careers, education, culture,
and literally everything in between,
we always feel like we're not adding up.
And as I've gotten older,
there are moments that shame seriously creeps up on me.
But understanding that there is no shame in having a little shame
as long as you are not letting it take over your life
and letting it cause a downfall of your health,
(08:13):
whether that be mental or physical.
There's always going to be parts of us that we refuse to share with the world.
And that's okay because we are allowed to have moments
where we're not only less than perfect,
but our shame does not need to come out of the recesses of our mind.
Remember though, you have the power to overcome this learned and taught belief.
Alright my kings and queens,
(08:34):
so now it's time to evict shame from our mental real estate.
And here's how.
First, we call it out.
Shame thrives in silence.
It's like on worthiness and ego.
So say it out loud, journal it.
Tell your pets or your therapists.
And for us more spiritual and religious folks,
speak to your angels.
(08:55):
Whatever works, but get it out of your head.
Secondly, separate yourself from it.
You are not your past mistakes
or the actions of others thrust upon you.
Repeat after me.
I am not the things I regret.
I am the person who grew from them.
Third, reframe the narrative.
(09:16):
Instead of I am so ashamed I did that,
try I learned something valuable from that experience.
Shift the perspective and you will take away its power over you.
And lastly, surround yourself with truth tellers.
Friends who remind you of who you really are,
not who shame says you are.
And if you don't have those people yet,
(09:37):
hey, I'm here.
And I say, you're freaking amazing.
So my love's in closing.
Let's raise our glasses to kicking shame out the door
and choosing self-compassion instead.
I know it seems easier said than done.
And some, some shames seem insurmountable
because they are so ingrained and deep seated.
(09:58):
But all it takes is the next right thing.
You are worthy, you are lovable,
and hopefully a good empathetic person
because it is scary out there.
An empathy seems to be at an all-time low.
And you, my dears, are not your past.
Thank you for sharing this moment with me.
(10:19):
If this episode resonated, send it to a friend
who needs a reminder that they are enough.
Just like you are enough.
Please leave a review or tag me on social media
at Perseco Queen's podcast.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your own stories.
And if you have a story to tell and would like to be on the show,
I can also be reached at PersecoQueensPodcast at gmail.com.
(10:40):
Don't forget I'm also on YouTube, so please subscribe.
Next week, we're talking about the art of not giving a sparkling dam.
You do not want to miss it.
Okay, I'm just kidding.
But we will be talking about what happens
when we take off the rose-colored glasses in our lives.
Maybe some of the art of not giving a dam.
Until then, stay fabulous, stay kind to yourself,
(11:02):
and in the illustrious words of Tony Braxton,
let it flow, let it flow, let it go.
Peace out.
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