Proxy with Yowei Shaw

The case of the person who worries their husband still sees them as his wife. 

Alex is nonbinary, and their husband Henry is a straight cis man. Henry has been supportive through every step of Alex’s transition — pronouns, testosterone, top surgery — but Alex worries: if Henry is straight, does that mean he still sees Alex as a woman?

In this episode, we find Alex two proxies: Elvis, a trans man who transitione...

The case of the podcast host who can't speak bro.

For the past twelve years, Yowei has been trying — and failing — to have a normal conversation with her husband's best friend. It's not for lack of goodwill. But somehow, every time, they can't find a rhythm. Yowei's theory: he speaks bro, and she doesn't know how. 

In this episode, Yowei finds a proxy bro and gets a crash course in bro banter — the hidden rules...

The case of the dog trainer who stopped feeling close to her own dogs. 

Jane's whole life has been dogs. Doggie daycare, animal rescue, behavior modification, fostering, training — dogs were the place she felt most at home. Which is why Jane is so disturbed by what's happening now. She still takes care of her two dogs. She still loves them. But the feeling is gone. 

In this episode, Yowei finds a proxy who helps Jane ...

The case of the writer whose inner narrator who disappeared. 

For most of her life, Caitlin Myer had a narrator. A voice that told stories, shaped sentences, kept her company, and made writing feel less like work than a way of being alive.

Then, after a concussion, the voice disappeared.

Caitlin could no longer write the way she used to. She couldn’t hear the music of her own sentences. And even as she slowly regained the a...

Once upon a time, Yowei felt embarrassed to have a boyfriend—not because of him, but because of what it said about her. 

This story comes from the Love Letters podcast. Listen to more of their episodes here. 

Proxy is back with new cases every other Tuesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss the next one.

New to Proxy? Start with Bisexual Wife Guy — it’s one of the clearest examples of what this show ...

The case of the organizer who's afraid to stop being angry. 

Nicole knows how to be mad — and channel that into her work as a labor organizer and activist.

The problem is, Nicole’s aggro mode doesn’t always stay in her political work. Sometimes it spills onto friends, family, and strangers. And underneath the anger, Nicole suspects there’s a feeling she’s afraid of: grief over the horrors she's figh...

The case of the woman who wants to forgive her mom, but doesn't know how. 

Erin wants to forgive her mother. Not because her mother deserves it. Not because Erin wants a relationship with her. But because Erin is tired of feeling so angry. 

The problem is, forgiveness feels like science fiction. How do you release resentment toward someone who hurt you deeply? How do you stop being mad without pretending what happened was o...

The case of the teenager who can't go home.

Yaroslava was 16 when she woke up in Ukraine to the sound of explosions and had to flee her town in Ukraine. 

Now Yara is 19, living in New York, studying digital marketing, arranging flowers, and doing better. But her grandma is still back home. Her friends are scattered. And every time Yara starts to enjoy her life here, she feels guilty for not being back home. 

In this episode,...

The case of the introverts and extroverts who love each other, but sometimes can't stand each other. 

Why do some friends need constant contact, while others need three to five business days to text back? Why does one person’s “fun hang” feel like torture to another? And why does it hurt so much when the people we love have different ideas of what connection should look like?

In this special Proxy conversation,...

An Emotions Beat episode about the reasons that keep going missing. 

In  family estrangement, there's a strange pattern that shows up again and again: adult children say they've explained why they need distance, while parents say they have no idea what went wrong. 

So where do the reasons go? 

In part 2 of our estrangement series, reporter Kim Nederveen Pieterse talks with two therapists who work on opposite sides ...

The case of the mother whose kids won’t talk to her.

JC’s adult children have cut off contact with her. They’ve told her why. But JC still doesn’t understand what happened — or what, if anything, she’s supposed to do now.

So reporter Kim Nederveen Pieterse finds JC a proxy: Chess Dugas, a woman who cut off contact with her own parents and now talks publicly about estrangement on her YouTube channel...

The case of two podcasters who hated asking for money.

Alex Goldman used to host Reply All. Yowei used to host Invisibilia. Now they both make independent podcasts — Alex with Hyperfixed, Yowei with Proxy — which means they now have to ask listeners for money all the time. 

The problem, is they hate doing this. 

In this episode, Yowei and Alex investigate the the great emotional conundrum of independent media: ca...

An Emotions Beat investigation about what silence sounds like when your rights are under attack. 

After Trump’s reelection, Sandy Ernest Allen watched attacks on trans rights escalate — and waited for more cis people to say something. Check in. Show up. Make noise. But mostly, he heard silence.

Then Sandy did something counterintuitive. Instead of asking why people didn’t care, he asked cis people what made the...

An Emotions Beat episode about how to keep caring without falling apart.

Anya Kamenetz was having trouble coping with the state of the world. So she decided to report on those feelings. 

In this episode, Yowei talks with Anya about what she's learned from scientists, activists, psychologists, and thinkers about how to live through crises upon crises. Together, they investigate compassion fatigue, psychic numbing, fear, denial, b...

The case of the people person who fell out of love with people.

Zakiya Gibbons used to love strangers, nightlife, and somehow always ending up on a boat. 

Then lockdown happened. And somewhere in that solitude, Zakiya discovered something alarming: she loved being alone. And when the world opened back up, the things that used to light her up — parties, small talk, new people — made her anxious instead.

Zakiya wants t...

The case of the writer whose inner narrator will not shut up.

Amanda Montell is very good at telling stories. So good, in fact, she can’t seem to stop telling them — even to herself.

Amanda has what she calls a “Storymaker” in her head: an internal narrator constantly shaping her life into scenes, arcs, jokes, metaphors, and meaning. Most of the time, it’s fun. It makes life feel cinematic. It’s us...

The case of the reporter who can't stop fact-checking his mother-in-law.

Brian’s mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s and lives with his family. He loves her. He knows she can’t help misremembering things. And still, when she says something that isn’t true, he corrects her. 

In this episode, Yowei connects Brian with Claudia Drossell, a psychologist who works with caregivers of people with dementia. Together, th...

The case of the bandmates who can't finish their record and don't know why.

Evan and Chris are best friends, bandmates, and creative partners. Years ago, their band The Superweaks was on the verge of breaking out. Then Evan's brother Corey — the band's bassist — died suddenly, and the band never recovered. 

Now they have a record that's almost done. Just a few vocals left. But it's been stuck for years, tangled in gr...

The case of the introvert who keeps waiting for personality puberty to hit.

For most of her life, Yowei saw her introversion as a character flaw to fix. Then Yowei read Unreliable Narrator by comedian Aparna Nancherla and realized she wasn't the only one who felt this way. 

In this episode, Yowei talks introvert-to-introvert with Aparna about self-loathing, performance, the extrovert ideal, Asian woman stereotypes, why “be...