March 18, 2024 • 12 mins
What is the most important thing the parents can do to help older teen athletes? How can we harness sports another activities to help kids develop true confidence? For answers to these questions join us as we continue our convo with grit.org’s Brian and Jen Harbin.
Guests: Brian and Jen Harbin are the leaders of grit.org whose mission is to improve, physical, mental, and emotional resilience in kids.
Check out our website PsychEd4Peds.com for more resources.
Follow us on Instagram @psyched4peds
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Elise Fallucco (00:21):
Welcome back to psyched for paeds, the child
mental health podcast forpediatric clinicians.
And for all of us taking care ofkids, we're helping you help
kids.
So thank you for joining us aswe continue this conversation
with grit.org leaders, Brian andJen Harbin.
This week, we're going to betalking about how to help kids
(00:41):
develop character and confidencethrough sports.
We're going to talk about how tohelp our kids self-reflect after
important games or meets orevents.
Brian's going to share adviceabout the most important thing
that parents can do, especiallyfor older athletes in middle
school and high school.
And finally we'll talk about thebest way to develop confidence
(01:04):
through sports.
And it's not what you think.
So jumping back into theconversation with Brian and Jen
Harbin.
Jen Harbin (01:11):
Your recent podcast talked about saying when they're
done playing you say, I lovewatching you play full-stop.
that is something that is sohard for me to not be whether
it's oh my gosh, you did sogreat.
And they look at me and go, Idid not, I did not do.
You're just telling mesomething.
Actually I didn't do great outthere.
Or, where you running fastenough, whatever it is.
I severely struggled with juststicking to that period.
(01:35):
End of sentence.
And no more.
when they've just finished agame, whether they had an
amazing game or a terrible gameor a swimming race or running
race or a crew race, that theyjust finished, they're on an
emotional higher, low at thatpoint.
And for most kids, it's reallyhard to regulate their emotions
at the end of one of thoseexperiences wherever they're at.
And so that may not be the besttime.
(01:56):
Later on, I think is a good timetoo give them some sort of
self-reflective questions.
If we love the the poem demandin the mirror.
If you can look at yourself inthe mirror.
And, can tell like I gave ahundred percent out there.
I was encouraging my team outthere.
I was showing good sportsmanshipto the other team.
I didn't just rip out their flagoff and slam it on the ground
and do a victory dance, but Ihanded it back to that other
(02:17):
player.
You know that in your heart,whether you did that or not.
And if you can look in themirror and know that, then you
really should be proud ofyourself.
Dr. Elise Fallucco (02:26):
So just having the kid, not in the
moment, definitely in themoment, we're just high fives.
That was great.
That was exhausting.
Let's get some Gatorade and moveon.
Let's go to dailies.
Get that IC.
But then afterwards, Just havingthe kids think about, did you
put your best effort?
It's not about winning orlosing, like it's, focus on, did
you put your best effort?
(02:46):
And were you showing goodsportsmanship?
I also want to change that togood sports person.
I've worked person, sportsperson.
Everyone's actively unfollowingme right now.
I'll keep following you.
I love it.
Great character.
Yeah, it's character.
character ship.
We're gonna make some real newwords.
So it's not about winning it'sabout sports characters ship.
(03:09):
Yes.
Sports characters.
This is going on a sign at theflight.
By the way, right.
And it is Ryan's diet.
Over here.
You're You're asking themquestions that are making them
selves ask.
Am I controlling thecontrollables?
Like we do have a bigexpectation of that.
Because you can control yourbehavior, your words.
(03:29):
To a certain extent, yourattitude.
And so when you're in a moment,Where you're not controlling
your attitude.
Okay.
How do I check myself, dosomething physical to make
myself act healthier and.
And think healthier things.
So those questions are reallyguided back to that, those
things that you can control andthat you should be able to say
yes to those things.
And if not, What do I need towork on?
Brian Harbin (03:47):
if we can help our kids make that part of their
daily check-in whether it's,school, the test studying,
whether it's a relationship,whether it's, a sport, whether
it's a career.
And I think.
That's a nugget that they cantake with them.
Oh, my gosh.
That's so beautiful and soimportant.
Did I do my best?
It's about effort and tryingyour hardest and doing your
best.
(04:07):
And that's what matters becauseyou can't control all the other
stuff.
And I wish you guys could coachall of the sports and all of the
teams, because that this is suchan important, like new frame
shift for thinking about youthsports.
I love watching you play andthen maybe later having the kids
self-reflect and think did youdo your best?
Do you feel like you put yourbest effort out?
And, did you have a goodattitude?
(04:29):
Did you have good sportscharacter ship?
Yes.
C, it just flows off the tongueof sports character ship, just
don't be swayed by the amount ofsyllables on it either.
I know that might.
That might make you don't.
It's good.
Stick with it.
one final perspective that Ireally wanted to share as
parents your kids get to a pointwith a sport that maybe their
(04:49):
skillset.
Is beyond kind of the scope ofwhat you can help with on the
day-to-day.
Once you get to that level, Ithink the most.
Overlooked and undervalued pieceof growth for young people in
that situation specificallyright now, my sophomore in high
school.
Is rest and recovery.
I think as a parent, You have tobe their advocate for rest and
(05:12):
recovery.
Coaches are going to want tosteal every hour, every second
of your kids to get better atthat sport.
And physically, yes, they'regoing to be better and stronger.
But we have to be that mentaland emotional.
Coach for them and really helpthem focus on rest and recovery.
So for example, Yeah.
I mentioned, we worked a lot ofhigh school and college athletes
(05:34):
during the summer.
And.
It's long, hard physical days.
And so with our interns, we'lldo things to help them enjoy
rest and recovery.
Hey, we'll go put on someNormaTec boots at the
chiropractor's office for 20minutes.
We'll go do a cryo session.
We'll book them a massage.
Go get an hour massage, learn totreat yourself.
I think we really need to,especially in today's day and
(05:56):
age with as much.
Specialization and practice andreally over use of the kids
physically is we have to be anadvocate for their rest and
recovery because nobody else isgoing to do that.
And you need to remind them,Hey, look, you need to get your
eight hours of sleep tonight.
And and really helped become anadvocate for that.
Because the message that they'regetting from most coaches is the
(06:18):
more practice, the better, andyou need to show up early and
we're going to do strengthtraining for a couple of hours
before school, and then we'regoing to have school.
And then we're going to haveskills training after school.
And.
As a coach, they're coming fromthe perspective very often of
they want their kids to be thevery best that they can.
And it's like more is better orand it's about quantity.
(06:38):
And yet we know from theAmerican academy of pediatrics
and from our medical colleaguesthat.
Kids, N teens need at least oneto two days off of per week, and
then two to three months off,spread out over the year.
And how are they going to getthat if they're training and
practicing and competing sevendays a week.
And I like making rest andrecovery fun you're making it
(07:00):
cool.
Like you're going to go docryotherapy or you're going to
float, or you're just going todo something that's really
positive.
And, what's neat about that too,you're creating an environment
that really, there's going to bea teachable moment in there
where we're nice and relaxed,and I'm going to say, Hey,
what's lacrosse teaching you.
And it really gives you thoseopportunities to talk to them
about the deeper meaning andtheir purpose and what they want
(07:22):
to do.
So when we were talking aboutparenting coaching para
coaching.
We have swung this pendulum oftelling kids.
Yeah, we want to build up theirself esteem as opposed to what
we should be building is theirself confidence.
And you only gain confidence bydoing something outside your
comfort zone that you didn'tknow if you could do and getting
through it.
(07:43):
And then you have genuineconfidence is completely
different than, self-esteemwhere you think of yourself
rather than knowing that you canaccomplish typical things.
And then go on to the next thingis that's another big thing I
think is so important is.
Encouraging them to get outsideof their comfort zone for all of
us to do.
You do better than you thinkyou're going to do.
And you don't know until youpush yourself, but there's so
(08:04):
much fear.
And especially if you'resomebody who tends towards Lower
self-confidence or higheranxiety.
It's harder to get out of yourcomfort zone and try something
new, but you can't experiencethat mastery until you do.
Any last thoughts you want toshare for parents to either help
foster grit and resilience, orjust about helping to support
and support their loving kids?
(08:26):
Yes, for sure.
For me.
One of the goals is to get themto not only learn and adopt all
these life skills, mindset,principles and make it part of
their daily, habits and routine.
But once they've done that orthey're getting to that point,
you really need to help themlearn to pass it on.
That to me that really is what,grit.org is all about.
(08:48):
Work on all these things andmake yourself better.
But also figure out, Hey, whoare you going to help?
Who are you going to pull alongbehind you?
And if you're I'm thinking aboutfamilies with multiple sibs,
like that's part of, that's alsopart of the culture, the family
culture, it can be like, you'rethe big one.
Your job is to help your littlebrother or your help, your
little sister with this.
(09:09):
And, And even, and it doesn'teven have to be age based, like
we're trying to reframe,dragging our kids to various
sporting activities everyweekend as we get to do this.
We have to go to my brother'sgame.
You get to go to your brother'sgame.
But then it's we can't pretendthat it's going to be fun
because it's very hot and theremay be things we'd rather do in
(09:31):
the air conditioning, butRegardless of what your age is
like part of our family cultureis you go there to support one
another.
Like our job is to cheer yourbrother on or your sister on and
vice versa.
They're going to do the same foryou.
And it's this idea.
We're all group.
We're all doing this together.
Any last words from you?
Oh, you just said it.
Just having an attitude ofgratitude that we get to do
(09:52):
these things where we're,there's air in our lungs and.
We can, we're able to.
Participate in whatever theactivity is that is helping us
to grow.
We didn't invent any of these.
Principles and concepts.
We're just very blessed thatthroughout various experiences
of our lives, we've been exposedto all these principles and they
(10:12):
have just helped shape us andcontinue to shape us and guide a
lot of the ways that we.
The way we live.
And so we're just grateful to beable to.
Pass it along, whether it'sthrough, the kids sports.
You don't have to be on thesideline, videotaping
everything, whatever you can doto bring that good energy to the
team, to your child, Cutyourself free of the things that
(10:34):
you're unable to do, and just befocusing on the one, the thing
that you can do.
That positive thing that you canadd to it.
This is about taking somethingwe're passionate about and
passing it on to the nextgeneration.
And.
And I'm hopefully inspiringothers along the way.
Hopefully inspiring him to havegood.
Sports character ship.
(10:55):
All right.
Thank you guys so much.
This is amazing.
Dr. Elise Fallucco (10:58):
And just to recap some of the highlights of
our conversations for ourfriends and colleagues..
We talked about encouraging kidsafter events to do some
self-reflection and just wherethey ask themselves, did I do my
best?
And did I show good sportsperson, character ship.
Finally, we talked about restand recovery and the importance
(11:18):
of making sure our kids areprotected from a lot of the
external demands on them relatedto sports school, et cetera
Finally, I think one of the bigtake home messages that I still
can personally.
Need to work on is shifting thefocus from winning and really
focusing on.
Helping everybody do the bestthat they absolutely can.
And controlling thecontrollables and letting go of
(11:40):
the things that you can'tcontrol.
All right.
Thank you so much for joining usfor our sports series.
We look forward.
To talking to you next week onpsyched for paeds.
And if you're interested inlearning more about grit camp,
just go to grit.
Dot org, where there'sinformation about the great
creed grit camp and everythingelse.
And big, thank you to Brian andJen Harbin.
(12:03):
Thanks to all of you forlistening.
And if you'll take a moment,please make sure that you're
subscribing or following on yourpodcast player.
And if you liked this or anyother episode, share it with a
friend.
See you next week.
Welcome back to psyched for paeds, the child
mental health podcast forpediatric clinicians.
And for all of us taking care ofkids, we're helping you help
kids.
So thank you for joining us aswe continue this conversation
with grit.org leaders, Brian andJen Harbin.
This week, we're going to betalking about how to help kids
(00:41):
develop character and confidencethrough sports.
We're going to talk about how tohelp our kids self-reflect after
important games or meets orevents.
Brian's going to share adviceabout the most important thing
that parents can do, especiallyfor older athletes in middle
school and high school.
And finally we'll talk about thebest way to develop confidence
(01:04):
through sports.
And it's not what you think.
So jumping back into theconversation with Brian and Jen
Harbin.
Jen Harbin (01:11):
Your recent podcast talked about saying when they're
done playing you say, I lovewatching you play full-stop.
that is something that is sohard for me to not be whether
it's oh my gosh, you did sogreat.
And they look at me and go, Idid not, I did not do.
You're just telling mesomething.
Actually I didn't do great outthere.
Or, where you running fastenough, whatever it is.
I severely struggled with juststicking to that period.
(01:35):
End of sentence.
And no more.
when they've just finished agame, whether they had an
amazing game or a terrible gameor a swimming race or running
race or a crew race, that theyjust finished, they're on an
emotional higher, low at thatpoint.
And for most kids, it's reallyhard to regulate their emotions
at the end of one of thoseexperiences wherever they're at.
And so that may not be the besttime.
(01:56):
Later on, I think is a good timetoo give them some sort of
self-reflective questions.
If we love the the poem demandin the mirror.
If you can look at yourself inthe mirror.
And, can tell like I gave ahundred percent out there.
I was encouraging my team outthere.
I was showing good sportsmanshipto the other team.
I didn't just rip out their flagoff and slam it on the ground
and do a victory dance, but Ihanded it back to that other
(02:17):
player.
You know that in your heart,whether you did that or not.
And if you can look in themirror and know that, then you
really should be proud ofyourself.
Dr. Elise Fallucco (02:26):
So just having the kid, not in the
moment, definitely in themoment, we're just high fives.
That was great.
That was exhausting.
Let's get some Gatorade and moveon.
Let's go to dailies.
Get that IC.
But then afterwards, Just havingthe kids think about, did you
put your best effort?
It's not about winning orlosing, like it's, focus on, did
you put your best effort?
(02:46):
And were you showing goodsportsmanship?
I also want to change that togood sports person.
I've worked person, sportsperson.
Everyone's actively unfollowingme right now.
I'll keep following you.
I love it.
Great character.
Yeah, it's character.
character ship.
We're gonna make some real newwords.
So it's not about winning it'sabout sports characters ship.
(03:09):
Yes.
Sports characters.
This is going on a sign at theflight.
By the way, right.
And it is Ryan's diet.
Over here.
You're You're asking themquestions that are making them
selves ask.
Am I controlling thecontrollables?
Like we do have a bigexpectation of that.
Because you can control yourbehavior, your words.
(03:29):
To a certain extent, yourattitude.
And so when you're in a moment,Where you're not controlling
your attitude.
Okay.
How do I check myself, dosomething physical to make
myself act healthier and.
And think healthier things.
So those questions are reallyguided back to that, those
things that you can control andthat you should be able to say
yes to those things.
And if not, What do I need towork on?
Brian Harbin (03:47):
if we can help our kids make that part of their
daily check-in whether it's,school, the test studying,
whether it's a relationship,whether it's, a sport, whether
it's a career.
And I think.
That's a nugget that they cantake with them.
Oh, my gosh.
That's so beautiful and soimportant.
Did I do my best?
It's about effort and tryingyour hardest and doing your
best.
(04:07):
And that's what matters becauseyou can't control all the other
stuff.
And I wish you guys could coachall of the sports and all of the
teams, because that this is suchan important, like new frame
shift for thinking about youthsports.
I love watching you play andthen maybe later having the kids
self-reflect and think did youdo your best?
Do you feel like you put yourbest effort out?
And, did you have a goodattitude?
(04:29):
Did you have good sportscharacter ship?
Yes.
C, it just flows off the tongueof sports character ship, just
don't be swayed by the amount ofsyllables on it either.
I know that might.
That might make you don't.
It's good.
Stick with it.
one final perspective that Ireally wanted to share as
parents your kids get to a pointwith a sport that maybe their
(04:49):
skillset.
Is beyond kind of the scope ofwhat you can help with on the
day-to-day.
Once you get to that level, Ithink the most.
Overlooked and undervalued pieceof growth for young people in
that situation specificallyright now, my sophomore in high
school.
Is rest and recovery.
I think as a parent, You have tobe their advocate for rest and
(05:12):
recovery.
Coaches are going to want tosteal every hour, every second
of your kids to get better atthat sport.
And physically, yes, they'regoing to be better and stronger.
But we have to be that mentaland emotional.
Coach for them and really helpthem focus on rest and recovery.
So for example, Yeah.
I mentioned, we worked a lot ofhigh school and college athletes
(05:34):
during the summer.
And.
It's long, hard physical days.
And so with our interns, we'lldo things to help them enjoy
rest and recovery.
Hey, we'll go put on someNormaTec boots at the
chiropractor's office for 20minutes.
We'll go do a cryo session.
We'll book them a massage.
Go get an hour massage, learn totreat yourself.
I think we really need to,especially in today's day and
(05:56):
age with as much.
Specialization and practice andreally over use of the kids
physically is we have to be anadvocate for their rest and
recovery because nobody else isgoing to do that.
And you need to remind them,Hey, look, you need to get your
eight hours of sleep tonight.
And and really helped become anadvocate for that.
Because the message that they'regetting from most coaches is the
(06:18):
more practice, the better, andyou need to show up early and
we're going to do strengthtraining for a couple of hours
before school, and then we'regoing to have school.
And then we're going to haveskills training after school.
And.
As a coach, they're coming fromthe perspective very often of
they want their kids to be thevery best that they can.
And it's like more is better orand it's about quantity.
(06:38):
And yet we know from theAmerican academy of pediatrics
and from our medical colleaguesthat.
Kids, N teens need at least oneto two days off of per week, and
then two to three months off,spread out over the year.
And how are they going to getthat if they're training and
practicing and competing sevendays a week.
And I like making rest andrecovery fun you're making it
(07:00):
cool.
Like you're going to go docryotherapy or you're going to
float, or you're just going todo something that's really
positive.
And, what's neat about that too,you're creating an environment
that really, there's going to bea teachable moment in there
where we're nice and relaxed,and I'm going to say, Hey,
what's lacrosse teaching you.
And it really gives you thoseopportunities to talk to them
about the deeper meaning andtheir purpose and what they want
(07:22):
to do.
So when we were talking aboutparenting coaching para
coaching.
We have swung this pendulum oftelling kids.
Yeah, we want to build up theirself esteem as opposed to what
we should be building is theirself confidence.
And you only gain confidence bydoing something outside your
comfort zone that you didn'tknow if you could do and getting
through it.
(07:43):
And then you have genuineconfidence is completely
different than, self-esteemwhere you think of yourself
rather than knowing that you canaccomplish typical things.
And then go on to the next thingis that's another big thing I
think is so important is.
Encouraging them to get outsideof their comfort zone for all of
us to do.
You do better than you thinkyou're going to do.
And you don't know until youpush yourself, but there's so
(08:04):
much fear.
And especially if you'resomebody who tends towards Lower
self-confidence or higheranxiety.
It's harder to get out of yourcomfort zone and try something
new, but you can't experiencethat mastery until you do.
Any last thoughts you want toshare for parents to either help
foster grit and resilience, orjust about helping to support
and support their loving kids?
(08:26):
Yes, for sure.
For me.
One of the goals is to get themto not only learn and adopt all
these life skills, mindset,principles and make it part of
their daily, habits and routine.
But once they've done that orthey're getting to that point,
you really need to help themlearn to pass it on.
That to me that really is what,grit.org is all about.
(08:48):
Work on all these things andmake yourself better.
But also figure out, Hey, whoare you going to help?
Who are you going to pull alongbehind you?
And if you're I'm thinking aboutfamilies with multiple sibs,
like that's part of, that's alsopart of the culture, the family
culture, it can be like, you'rethe big one.
Your job is to help your littlebrother or your help, your
little sister with this.
(09:09):
And, And even, and it doesn'teven have to be age based, like
we're trying to reframe,dragging our kids to various
sporting activities everyweekend as we get to do this.
We have to go to my brother'sgame.
You get to go to your brother'sgame.
But then it's we can't pretendthat it's going to be fun
because it's very hot and theremay be things we'd rather do in
(09:31):
the air conditioning, butRegardless of what your age is
like part of our family cultureis you go there to support one
another.
Like our job is to cheer yourbrother on or your sister on and
vice versa.
They're going to do the same foryou.
And it's this idea.
We're all group.
We're all doing this together.
Any last words from you?
Oh, you just said it.
Just having an attitude ofgratitude that we get to do
(09:52):
these things where we're,there's air in our lungs and.
We can, we're able to.
Participate in whatever theactivity is that is helping us
to grow.
We didn't invent any of these.
Principles and concepts.
We're just very blessed thatthroughout various experiences
of our lives, we've been exposedto all these principles and they
(10:12):
have just helped shape us andcontinue to shape us and guide a
lot of the ways that we.
The way we live.
And so we're just grateful to beable to.
Pass it along, whether it'sthrough, the kids sports.
You don't have to be on thesideline, videotaping
everything, whatever you can doto bring that good energy to the
team, to your child, Cutyourself free of the things that
(10:34):
you're unable to do, and just befocusing on the one, the thing
that you can do.
That positive thing that you canadd to it.
This is about taking somethingwe're passionate about and
passing it on to the nextgeneration.
And.
And I'm hopefully inspiringothers along the way.
Hopefully inspiring him to havegood.
Sports character ship.
(10:55):
All right.
Thank you guys so much.
This is amazing.
Dr. Elise Fallucco (10:58):
And just to recap some of the highlights of
our conversations for ourfriends and colleagues..
We talked about encouraging kidsafter events to do some
self-reflection and just wherethey ask themselves, did I do my
best?
And did I show good sportsperson, character ship.
Finally, we talked about restand recovery and the importance
(11:18):
of making sure our kids areprotected from a lot of the
external demands on them relatedto sports school, et cetera
Finally, I think one of the bigtake home messages that I still
can personally.
Need to work on is shifting thefocus from winning and really
focusing on.
Helping everybody do the bestthat they absolutely can.
And controlling thecontrollables and letting go of
(11:40):
the things that you can'tcontrol.
All right.
Thank you so much for joining usfor our sports series.
We look forward.
To talking to you next week onpsyched for paeds.
And if you're interested inlearning more about grit camp,
just go to grit.
Dot org, where there'sinformation about the great
creed grit camp and everythingelse.
And big, thank you to Brian andJen Harbin.
(12:03):
Thanks to all of you forlistening.
And if you'll take a moment,please make sure that you're
subscribing or following on yourpodcast player.
And if you liked this or anyother episode, share it with a
friend.
See you next week.
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