Episode 51: People Pleasing and How Not To

In this raw and relatable episode, we dive deep into the exhausting world of people pleasing—a pattern we both know intimately. From childhood conditioning to workplace dynamics, we unpack how constantly prioritizing others' needs leads to burnout, resentment, and lost identity. Through personal stories about family gatherings, work boundaries, and romantic relationships, we share our journey toward saying "no," setting boundaries, and reclaiming their energy. This conversation is equal parts vulnerable confession and practical roadmap for anyone ready to stop dimming their light for others.

Episode Highlights:

[00:04] Welcome and introduction: firsthand experience with people pleasing

[00:39] The first step: realizing you weren't even aware you were a people pleaser

[01:36] ChatGPT's definition and why it hits so hard

[02:05] Cultural roots: Asian household hierarchies and the expectation to never say no

[03:02] Childhood conditioning: apologizing for mistakes and carrying guilt

[03:42] Shannon's EMDR journey: reprocessing the deep need to please

[04:40] The EA trap: when your job requires people pleasing by design

[06:09] Gender expectations: the "nice one" who sacrifices for everyone

[07:33] Fear-based patterns: managing others' emotions and staying in bad relationships

[08:56] The physical toll: burnout, anxiety, and losing yourself

[09:32] When unmet needs become body issues: acid reflux and stomach problems

[11:05] The validation exchange: getting tiny thank-yous in return for exhaustion

[12:04] Energy scattered everywhere except within yourself

[12:54] The game-changer: learning the word "boundary"

[13:48] The terror of saying no and catastrophic thinking

[15:37] Practicing boundaries during the holidays (perfect timing!)

[16:00] Shannon's autopilot relationships and the coworker carpool situation

[18:57] Real-life boundary example: declining a family dinner without guilt

[21:51] Avoiding conflict vs. having necessary uncomfortable conversations

[22:35] Book recommendation: Boundary Boss by Terri Cole (with scripts!)

[24:08] Family dinner boundary story: "I'll let you know" as a buffer

[26:27] Patriarchal expectations and the male gaze

[27:00] The Vogue article: "It's embarrassing to have a boyfriend"

[28:20] Self-worth and settling for less than you deserve

[29:14] Wrapping up: share your stories and join the conversation

Resources: 

Terri Cole:

• The Terri Cole Show on Apple Podcasts
• Boundary Boss by Terri Cole (Instagram)

Vogue Article:

• Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? - Vogue
• What the Response to "Are Boyfriends Embarrassing?" Says About the Current State of Heterosexual Dating - Vogue

Note: This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.

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