June 17, 2024 • 36 mins
What if the key to understanding your adult struggles lies hidden in your childhood memories? On this episode of Psychologist Say, I, Dr. Tami, introduce Harold, our new official podcast production team member, as we embark on an insightful journey into unmet emotional needs. We explore how crucial nurturing and responsive care from parents are to a child's emotional development and how a parent's reaction to their child's crying can have long-lasting effects. Uncover how these early experiences manifest in adulthood, often triggering memories and shaping our emotional health.
Childhood emotional trauma can leave deep scars that follow us into adult relationships. Harold and I emphasize the importance of doing personal "homework" to understand our histories and the traumas that shape us. We also stress the need for self-compassion and the acknowledgment of our parents' humanity and imperfections. By processing difficult comments and revelations and seeking professional help for intense traumas, we can better manage the impact they have on our well-being and foundational beliefs.
Supportive relationships are vital for emotional growth and self-discovery. We discuss how having friends who provide both support and honest feedback can reshape our self-perceptions, especially when they challenge our internal negative beliefs. As we highlight the value of self-awareness and compassion in breaking unhealthy relationship patterns, we remind you that many might already be doing this emotional work unknowingly. Tune in to learn more about how self-compassion and supportive friendships can guide you on your journey toward healthier relationships and personal growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following is a series of candid conversations.
The content is intended forinformational purposes only and
is not a substitute for seekinghelp from a mental health care
professional.
To learn more info regardingadditional disclaimers, privacy
policies and terms andconditions, please visit
hellodrtammycom.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Bonjour, welcome to Psychologist Say, a podcast
where I talk about thepsychology of everyday living.
I'm your host, Dr Tammy.
I'm joined today by Harold, whohas been a guest on our show,
and we would like to introducehim now as an official podcast
production team member.
Welcome, Harold, Thank you.
Thank you, I'm excited to behere, excited to be part of the
(00:44):
team.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Harold, thank you, thank you.
I'm excited to be here, excitedto be part of the team.
Yeah, let's do this.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yes, we're excited to have you.
So today I think it's a goodtime for us to start talking
about just our emotions.
I've done podcasts where wetalk about trouble with
regulating emotions,understanding them, labeling
your emotions, and today I wantto dive into a topic of unmet
(01:13):
emotional needs.
So right away, when I you knowyou're giving me a look like
what are you thinking just byhearing that term?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
It sounds a little daunting, to be honest.
I mean, when you think of unmetemotional needs, I guess the
first thing that comes to mindis like within, like a
relationship or childhoodemotional needs.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Definitely so when you're talking, definitely so
when you're talking.
As human nature duringchildhood and infancy, when
we're unable to fend forourselves and meet those
(02:21):
emotional needs, we're reallyrelying on those adults and
other human beings around us togive us exactly what we
inherently need and desire.
Now, that's part of looking athaving a reciprocal relationship
, so a very good and healthyback and forth, so with an unmet
(02:42):
emotional need, this issomething that definitely can go
back to early, early infancyand even during your, when
you're in the womb.
Oh, that early we're spendingmuch more time talking to and
(03:04):
getting to know our patients andbringing them back to really
looking at times when theyweren't fully aware, times that
maybe they don't realize arepart of an unmet need that
they're trying to fulfill inadulthood.
That actually could have beensomething that was right from
(03:27):
the beginning.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So, like even before we even could develop memories,
we developed like these Internal, internal, okay, these internal
, like these internal things wewant or need, even until
adulthood.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Right, okay, these internal things we want or need,
even until adulthood, very intuned with her child's
development, able to seek outmedical care and follow, you
(04:10):
know, all of this like reallynurturing stuff right from the
get go, versus maybe a motherwho's really struggling with the
pregnancy, really having maybea lot of stress associated with
it, really having maybe a lot ofstress associated with it,
maybe they don't have theresources to really, you know,
feel like they're fully set upto embrace a moment like that,
(04:34):
and so the biology and thechemistry and the exchange
between mother and child allhappens right there.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Wow, that's information I never knew about,
wow.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And that's one of those great reasons that these
conversations can really getlisteners thinking about.
Sometimes our unmet need maybesomething that we really haven't
sat and thought about or evenconsidered, because maybe we're
maybe a little bit unaware itwas unmet.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Yeah, completely unaware, especially if it
happens that early in life.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
And so I think it's already like that's one example.
And looking at infancy, wherewhen a child cries that there is
something, they're cryingbecause there's an unmet need,
and so there is unmet physicalneed, there's unmet.
(05:34):
In terms of tactile touch,there is unmet.
And then there's today, whatwe're talking about is that
unmet emotional, so that givingthe feelings the reinforcement
Today, what we're talking about,that, what would be a healthy
(06:12):
and definitely unexpectedoutcome, would to try to comfort
them in a time of hurt.
And so when a child experiencesthe opposite, that yes, as in
like the opposite.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
As in like the opposite.
As in like no, like nobody'sthere for them, nobody's coming,
or, or even worse, where they,you know, maybe the person that
they want that emotional needfrom uh acts in the completely
opposite direction, maybe, um,making, making them feel bad in
some way.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yes.
So when we talk about anexample, it's exactly opposite.
When you think about a parent,when you're crying and you're
hurt and you're injured, thereaction that you're expecting
is love, nurturance and care andcompassion to help you feel
(07:07):
better.
And so whenever a child is metwith, maybe even just being
ignored, nobody's coming or metwith why are you crying?
You really kind of met with ormet with anxiety oh my gosh,
you're hurt.
What did you do?
(07:27):
Met with panic and fear fromthe parent.
So do you see how there'smultiple ways that a child would
have mixed signals there?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
I see your brain.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
You're definitely there, you just gave me like a
flashback to childhood sodiscreet this is kind of a heavy
one.
I don't know if I should besaying this one.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Well, I think right now, and this is a really good
moment for even us to educatelisteners whenever we start to
talk about things, um, that thatstart to be the word is
triggering, yeah, and that'ssomething that we never want to,
um, we never want to go dive in, diving into an open wound that
(08:18):
maybe isn't ready to be fullyexamined yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll
go with that well and and thegood.
the thing is like some of thethoughts are coming up.
This is good for listeners tostart to go okay, what do I do
when I'm starting to betriggered?
And when I say triggered, it'slike, oh boy, a memory is
(08:40):
popping up and with this memoryI am having a physiological
reaction, right.
And when we feel triggered, ourbrain actually thinks we're
back in that situation.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
In that moment.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Yep, and so even with you, I want you to really check
in with me, check in with whatyou're doing here.
I always ask the people I'mtalking to how old are you right
now?
What are you doing right now?
And the brain starts to go ohboy, you know this.
I'm not there.
So, but that takes work to workyour brain out of a memory.
(09:25):
It's it's almost as if it'sputting on a movie and the brain
is thinking it's happening now.
So it's re-feeling any of thoseuncomfortable physical and
emotional feelings, as if it'shappening now right, right.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
So, like say, the moment I was thinking of it's a
negative moment, a very negativemoment in my life.
Yeah, and I guess, yeah, Iguess, as you were talking about
, I was in my head, I wasreliving that exact moment and I
guess, yeah, some negativeemotions did kind of fill into
me there a little bit.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, and see what you described.
There was a bit of you kind offell into me there a little bit.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, and see what you described.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
there was a bit of you kind of left the room then,
yeah, I guess I did.
Yeah, yeah, and so, andsometimes you know this is a
really good thing too.
Sometimes therapists aren'tfully aware when they're talking
to somebody and I'm not yourtherapist, but this is good for
people to know.
Sometimes we're not aware whenour patient has left the room.
Sometimes it's very obvious,depending on you.
(10:30):
Just feel that they've checkedout.
They may start to stare offinto the distance and that's
where I say your therapistguides you back.
So we don't want therapy to beuncomfortable, we want to
educate and teach and preparesomebody to go talking about
(10:56):
issues, and this is my form oftherapy the.
You know what I do.
So this isn't everybody, butthis is a model that I work with
and several people.
The more we learn about sometrauma, some hurts Not every
hurt is a trauma, so we could betriggered of a hurtful memory.
(11:16):
It's not a trauma, but, yikes,we're feeling uncomfortable
thinking about it.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
And it's kind of like similar to maybe that intrusive
thought where it popped in yourmind but this was more
triggered because we wereactually talking about early
childhood and then thesedifferent responses that could
have happened and guess what wemight have came so close to one
(11:42):
that your memory bulb went boomand then you kind of had this
flashback or intrusive imageryof that going on.
And so that's what can happenwhen you're listening to a
podcast or if you're watching amovie.
This can happen often forpeople without them knowing
(12:03):
they've watched something thatjust triggered them because
they're feeling it at a levelthat's so uncomfortable and
personal, and so those arereally good things for people to
take note of when they'refeeling personally triggered by
something around them and it isa good time to go.
Whoa, I got to check in withthis.
(12:24):
What just happened there?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Right.
So with this situation thatjust happened with you know I
had that thought, but at least Iknow where it came from.
I know the source or the rootof the thought.
What about the people like youmentioned, the people that you
know?
Things happen so early inchildhood, or even in the womb
(12:50):
where, where, where do they?
Where's that foundation forthem?
How do they move on from that?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I think part of it is just doing your homework, and
so doing homework means theremay be some questions that you
have to ask if you're able.
Some people are not able to dothe homework because the
resources aren't there.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Right Resources, as in you're talking about, like
asking your parents or somethinglike that.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yes, so it's where there could be a relationship
that you're unable to mendbecause they may no longer be
here.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Yep, or maybe it's not a good idea to even speak to
them.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Right or yes, so there's several reasons why we
may not get to do our homework.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That's not unavailable to those people at
least.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right.
But even understanding it canhelp us have more compassion for
ourselves.
Okay, gone through the timeswhen nobody met my needs and I
(14:16):
really struggled.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Or sometimes my people would meet my needs, and
other times it was just soinconsistent that I never felt
safe or secure.
Yeah, and when I got that needmet it felt so good.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It does.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yeah, I felt like I'm loved, I'm important, but when
that need goes away.
I don't know it feels, I don'tknow, not good, right, I know it
doesn't feel good or that nexttime when you you need and it's
not met with that same love andcompassion, this time it's maybe
met with distance, maybethere's anger or a wall.
(15:00):
It's like today, maybe I can'thandle it or I'm having my own
bad days.
So get over it, don't offendfor yourself today.
And so I think that's manypeople, that's where I's, that's
many people you know, that'swhere I think many kids have
gone through that.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Because our parents are, they were.
They're human, whether we haveone or two or we have a whole
village.
That raises us.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
And especially if the parents are young, because
they're still especially in yourearly twenties, there's a lot
of growing that are that's stilloccurring and uh, so for me I
guess there's like a forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
That's kind of there that I understand, I guess
understand is like I would tellpeople have a balance with that
of acknowledgement and that'swhere that self-compassion comes
(16:02):
in.
There are some things that I,you, know.
Sometimes we may even hearsomething about our childhood,
or maybe we didn't know, but allof a sudden our sibling says
you know, you, mom and dad weredone, but then you came along,
they didn't want any morechildren.
Something like that, a commentto a young kid, or even an adult
(16:23):
, could really shake what youthought was some kind of
foundation.
So that's how tricky and tough.
That's how tricky and tough and, I guess, subtle, these hurts
can come in and affect ourwell-being and our sense of how
(16:46):
well we feel that we're able toget our needs met, because just
hearing that can start to shakeyou a little bit to the core, to
the core.
So that one example you canthink of billion right.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Oh yeah, you could build a whole lot off of that.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Right, that's the piece of really trying to
understand how many things couldhappen in our life that shake
our ability to be the healthiest, most loving, happiest giving
compassionate person.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
That we can be.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
That we can be, but that's the compassion piece of
okay.
The more I understand myselfand my history, and the several
hurts that maybe I don't evenknow about and the ones that I
do definitely have shaped theway I interact with people today
(17:44):
.
They interact how much I, howwell I can function in a
relationship, and it's a goodplace to do homework, because
most of our life is buildingrelationships.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
And then so I think the mostimportant thing is to think
(18:05):
about how do I do some homeworkon myself, and not just in terms
of self-care or getting mynails done or getting a massage.
This is, how do I really startto look at me and some of the
needs that maybe weren't met?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
That internal work.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
That eternal work, yeah, and if the internal work,
you can keep it at whateverlevel you want, if the internal
work, you can keep it atwhatever level you want.
(18:47):
That's a wonderful thing ofhaving power over what kind of
work you want to do.
If you're worried that some ofthe work does include some
traumas or some hurts that couldbe pretty intense, it's
definitely good to have somebodythat's guiding you and helping
you through that and helping youunderstand what a trigger is,
what a flashback is, what anintrusive thought is, and what
(19:12):
your brain is doing in terms oftaking something from your past
and when it's brought up, it'sas if it's currently on the
timeline, like it's happeningnow, yeah, and the brain needs
to be able to separate that from.
Oh wait, that's a snapshot ofsomething that happened in the
past.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
So I don't have to re-feel all those uncomfortable
feelings.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
But it can be difficult to not feel that.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You bet and that's the part of the work is going
through it, and that's part ofsome people where they decide,
well, yeah, this is bothering meenough or I feel like I don't
know how to do that that's areally good time to say, okay,
(20:03):
so maybe this would be a goodtime for me to seek some help,
have somebody walk me throughthis, instead of me tackling
this on my own somebody walk methrough this instead of me
tackling this on my own.
Yeah, you're going to get that,so it is it's.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
This conversation became a little bit more of the
ones we've had so far.
This is the one that kind of, Iguess, hit me harder than I
expected.
I didn't, I didn't, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Are you doing okay right now?
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, I'm doing just fine, Just cause this is not
like something I'm, you know Itry to bury or anything like
that but uh, but it's deep.
Yeah, it is, it's very deep.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
And I think it's deep for everybody who's listening.
Uh, I think it's the thing thatwe maybe always know.
You know, this happened when Iwas a kid, or anytime you watch
a movie, a documentary, there isa lot of times they go back to
the past, right the flashbacks,or you're getting more of the
(21:09):
story of well, why is thisperson struggling as an adult?
Well, why is this personstruggling as an adult?
And it's very rare that themovie doesn't do a flashback to
oh whoa, they experienced that.
Yeah, A reveal, A reveal ofwhat shaped their current
struggles.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
So that's the thing where we get to do that work on
ourselves and hopefully that'swhere our compassion comes into
play and do.
I want to now try to establishand work through healthier ways
of being so that my past paindoesn't continue to maybe have
(22:02):
me hurt others as a result, orput past it down through the
generations.
Beautiful, right, I mean.
And that again is a wholenother, yeah, yeah, that again
is a whole nother, yeah.
So today we were just reallygetting into a very big topic
that is open in so many areas ofpsychology, probably every area
(22:25):
of life.
But it's really to say that weall have emotions, that we want
to be able to meet our own needs.
Yet, you know, we just don'tfunction that way.
It's not human nature.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We rely on others.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
We rely on others, and part of relying on others is
starting to understand whenwe're in relationships maybe,
where we're relying on somebodywho is hurtful.
And we continually get ourunmet needs, continue to go
(23:04):
unmet.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Because that feels normal.
So we're gravitating towardsnormalcy, so we were gravitating
(23:38):
towards normalcy.
So a lot of the people I workwith I just say, you know, it's
not a surprise that you're in avery difficult relationship with
somebody who's emotionallyunavailable with, given what
you've told me about the way youwere raised and the struggles
you've endured.
So it's, you know, and I thinkjust people hearing that,
they're like oh wow, I didexactly what I, you know, felt
normal to me.
I didn't just choose somebodymaladaptive or hurtful.
I went to what felt totallynormal and I'm unhappy with it
still, but I can't, it's, it'shard for me to pull away from it
(24:00):
.
Well, that's, that's part of umnot seeing that you, you're
gravitating towards balance andthen.
So it takes a big shift to lookfor something opposite and to
then give that enough time tobecome your new norm.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, a lot of adjustments there.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Oh, yes, so I mean, we were talking about really big
stuff, you know then, that, yes, yeah, really big stuff.
You know then, yes, I love it,though I mean, I think that our
listeners that we've talkedabout these bigger topics this
(24:44):
is going into.
We're in our third season now,yeah, and I think that our
listeners really are gravitatingto this show because they like
to have these conversations.
They maybe are looking for somestimulating conversations about
areas like this that are deepand that I don't just have one
simple answer for.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
But it's more of the open dialogue that we're having,
the discussion that gets theselittle light bulbs going for
them.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah, yeah, hey, how are you doing?
I'm doing good, yeah, like Isaid, I guess I'm processing a
lot of stuff right now.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I love that.
I mean and that's when ourlisteners when you hear that I'm
processing, many of you maypause the show and just process
a little bit.
That means your brain's going.
It's just like eating a bigsteak dinner and I have to
digest this.
Yeah Well, I mean psychology'sgoing.
It's just like eating a bigsteak dinner and I have to
digest this.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Yeah Well, I mean psychology in general.
That's a heavy, complex topics.
They can be very abstract andyou got to do a lot of
self-reflection to kind of workthrough this stuff.
So like pausing the podcast andthinking about stuff is
perfectly normal, Perfect, Okay,and that you know that stuff is
perfectly normal, perfect Okay,and that you know.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
That brings up another point.
Yes, if you're feelingtriggered, uncomfortable, that
is, of course, you know, not ourintent.
This is not any kind oftherapeutic setting, very aware
(26:27):
that he's able to.
You know, he knows what he'sable to share and now he's able
to communicate.
He can back away at any time.
That's the same for ourlisteners, and so some things
may be feeling uncomfortable.
You can just shut it off.
It doesn't mean you have topause it.
You can just shut it off.
It doesn't mean you have topause it.
It's something that you need tobe ready to want to listen to a
conversation about, and that ispart of you taking care of
(26:51):
yourself.
Is saying, oh, I'm not ready tolisten to this today, yep, or
maybe I want to do some more ofmy own homework and reading
about this before I sit andlisten to an open discussion
about it.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Those are all really good ways to take your time
being part of this kind ofdiscussion that can feel intense
.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, this has been intense A little
bit.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Well, yeah, and for our listeners too, hopefully
that everybody's feeling likethey're getting some idea of
these emotional needs, and whenthey're unmet, we will try to
get them met in whatever waythat we can, and so those are
(27:45):
some of the other topics that wecan talk about.
We'll bring up unmet needsoften.
Everybody has them.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
We all have different levels, we all have different
stages of where we acknowledgeyeah, this comes in all kinds of
different areas of life right,every, yeah, every aspect of it.
Yes, yeah, this comes in allkinds of different areas of life
right, every, yeah, everyaspect of it.
Yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
It's where we, a lot of what we believe about
ourselves is formed by age six.
So those are our before.
Our brain can really it'staking everything as is so.
That's why these earlyrelationships are so vital,
because that's where we createwho we are, based off of the
(28:27):
feedback we get from others, andso, as an adult, your brain can
look and say, no, that's notright, that's irrational, that
isn't true.
But when you're young andyou're getting this feedback,
your brain's going, it'sconcrete, it's saying okay, okay
.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Because that's all you know.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
That's what you're told and your brain isn't at a
level to sit and really go.
Oh wait, let me dissect whatyou just, let me process what
you just told me and see howmuch of it is true, how much of
it is bullshit, how much of itis bullshit, how much of it is
about you and the day you'rehaving.
Our brain is not set to do thatyet.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Think at face value kind of.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Yes, it's concrete, it's there.
It becomes part of our internalnetwork, of who we are.
So, when you think aboutwhatever went on until about age
six and now you're, you know,40, oh, wow, you know the
beliefs I have in myself.
(29:34):
I established at age six andmaybe I haven't even challenged
those.
Yeah, I imagine most peoplehaven't.
Well, I, I.
I think what happens is that'spart of our.
It's a.
It becomes our internal voiceor our internal belief about
ourselves that we don'tchallenge.
(29:55):
And when other people do wedismiss, people do we dismiss.
So if a core belief is I'mflawed, there's something wrong
with me as an adult, we may notchallenge that Every time we
mess up, our thought would goback to see that's because
there's something wrong with me.
(30:17):
And if somebody duringadulthood, if we really believe
that another adult just can'tlook at it oh, of course that's
not your fault.
What are we going to do?
Speaker 1 (30:34):
with that.
If we don't believe that, well,if we don't believe it, then
we'll probably just get thrownout.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
We just look at them, just miss it, or okay, thank
you for that.
That wasn't helpful, but thankyou for trying.
Yeah, it's really hard for usto change that core belief, no
matter what's coming at us, butit can be done.
I think it's these kind ofconversations going okay.
(31:00):
So, yeah, this is how I'vethought about myself from an
early age, when I wasn't able toreally dissect this and see how
much of it is valid.
Yeah, what piece of it actuallyis maybe part of me?
What piece of it is part ofjust the people around me and
(31:20):
the way they handled life andthe way they were raised?
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
So it's all of that.
You know where you look at, howcomplex it is.
But then to say, well, okay,what parts of my internal belief
do I want to now challengeabout myself?
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Because I can.
I can change these now.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
It's difficult to do that by yourself, though, like I
, I'm kind of seeing likethrough, like uh, even just
talking to somebody, whether itbe a therapist or somebody else,
like it's good to have someoneyou trust, um kind of looking at
you from an outside perspective.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
There and that could be a piece of it.
Yeah, perspective, and thatcould be a piece of it.
The other is, if you findyourself with somebody that you
really care about and it's beena good relationship, those are
people that are challenging yourepeatedly and so if they
(32:18):
continually counter yournegative belief that you're
sharing with them part of it iseventually are you going to
start to let them in and believethat right?
So if somebody keeps saying, no, that's not you, you know, of
course, you're lovable, I loveyou, you know.
Whatever this, if you have areally genuine person, that's
(32:40):
where a lot of people, I think,do this work on their own
without knowing it.
They formed some kind ofrelationship or relationships
with friends where they'reconsistently hearing the
opposite of what they thoughtwas true about themselves.
So a lot of people, I think,are doing this work without
knowing it.
There you go are doing thiswork without knowing it.
(33:05):
Okay, there you go, like.
So I always uh, when I talk tomy for me, I always have my uh
friend that I know.
uh, if I need support, she'sgonna have my back, no matter
what, even if I did wrong yeahand then I have my friend who's
gonna call me out of my bullshit, give me a little bit of where
I'm.
You know, I'm a year, yeah, butalso you're, you know.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yep, I like to have.
I personally like to have avariety of friends like that too
.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Right so yeah.
So I think it's learning to dothis kind of find those people
that can really help look at youand see the way they're seeing
you, and if it's definitelysomething that's opposite of
your internal like if I'm flawed, I'm bad or I'm worthless, I'm
(33:54):
unlovable, and peopleconsistently tell you different,
consistently tell you differentand so starting to, I think
that's where people are alreadydoing this work.
You know they're they'regravitating, or they could be or
should be gravitating towardspeople who are doing that for
them.
Great, there we go.
(34:18):
Well, you know what Harold isreally thinking here, and so I
think this is a good time to saywe're going to wrap up this.
This is just our first dive intounmet emotional needs, but I
definitely talked about this andother episodes.
I don't know if I actuallylabeled them this, but if you go
(34:43):
back and listen to, there is anepisode on attachment, so I
think that would be a reallyhelpful episode for our
listeners.
If you're really getting intothis, that's a great one to go
and listen to and do some ofyour homework.
There's one on self-esteem,even imposter syndrome.
(35:05):
I mean all of these earlierepisodes to go and listen to
some of them and it's going tomake more sense about how these
unmet needs are influencing howwe're functioning as adults and
that going back doing some ofthe homework, that's part of us
starting to understand ourselvesa bit better.
Right, right, Okay, Well, thankyou, Harold.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, no problem, no problem, Thank you.
And one term I like that youmentioned that I don't know if
I've ever heard before isself-compassion.
I like that and let's keep that.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Well, I love that.
Well, why don't we end our PSwith that then?
Sure so PS self-compassion,let's keep that.
The following is a series of candid conversations.
The content is intended forinformational purposes only and
is not a substitute for seekinghelp from a mental health care
professional.
To learn more info regardingadditional disclaimers, privacy
policies and terms andconditions, please visit
hellodrtammycom.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Bonjour, welcome to Psychologist Say, a podcast
where I talk about thepsychology of everyday living.
I'm your host, Dr Tammy.
I'm joined today by Harold, whohas been a guest on our show,
and we would like to introducehim now as an official podcast
production team member.
Welcome, Harold, Thank you.
Thank you, I'm excited to behere, excited to be part of the
(00:44):
team.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Harold, thank you, thank you.
I'm excited to be here, excitedto be part of the team.
Yeah, let's do this.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Yes, we're excited to have you.
So today I think it's a goodtime for us to start talking
about just our emotions.
I've done podcasts where wetalk about trouble with
regulating emotions,understanding them, labeling
your emotions, and today I wantto dive into a topic of unmet
(01:13):
emotional needs.
So right away, when I you knowyou're giving me a look like
what are you thinking just byhearing that term?
Speaker 1 (01:22):
It sounds a little daunting, to be honest.
I mean, when you think of unmetemotional needs, I guess the
first thing that comes to mindis like within, like a
relationship or childhoodemotional needs.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Definitely so when you're talking, definitely so
when you're talking.
As human nature duringchildhood and infancy, when
we're unable to fend forourselves and meet those
(02:21):
emotional needs, we're reallyrelying on those adults and
other human beings around us togive us exactly what we
inherently need and desire.
Now, that's part of looking athaving a reciprocal relationship
, so a very good and healthyback and forth, so with an unmet
(02:42):
emotional need, this issomething that definitely can go
back to early, early infancyand even during your, when
you're in the womb.
Oh, that early we're spendingmuch more time talking to and
(03:04):
getting to know our patients andbringing them back to really
looking at times when theyweren't fully aware, times that
maybe they don't realize arepart of an unmet need that
they're trying to fulfill inadulthood.
That actually could have beensomething that was right from
(03:27):
the beginning.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So, like even before we even could develop memories,
we developed like these Internal, internal, okay, these internal
, like these internal things wewant or need, even until
adulthood.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Right, okay, these internal things we want or need,
even until adulthood, very intuned with her child's
development, able to seek outmedical care and follow, you
(04:10):
know, all of this like reallynurturing stuff right from the
get go, versus maybe a motherwho's really struggling with the
pregnancy, really having maybea lot of stress associated with
it, really having maybe a lot ofstress associated with it,
maybe they don't have theresources to really, you know,
feel like they're fully set upto embrace a moment like that,
(04:34):
and so the biology and thechemistry and the exchange
between mother and child allhappens right there.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Wow, that's information I never knew about,
wow.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
And that's one of those great reasons that these
conversations can really getlisteners thinking about.
Sometimes our unmet need maybesomething that we really haven't
sat and thought about or evenconsidered, because maybe we're
maybe a little bit unaware itwas unmet.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
Yeah, completely unaware, especially if it
happens that early in life.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
And so I think it's already like that's one example.
And looking at infancy, wherewhen a child cries that there is
something, they're cryingbecause there's an unmet need,
and so there is unmet physicalneed, there's unmet.
(05:34):
In terms of tactile touch,there is unmet.
And then there's today, whatwe're talking about is that
unmet emotional, so that givingthe feelings the reinforcement
Today, what we're talking about,that, what would be a healthy
(06:12):
and definitely unexpectedoutcome, would to try to comfort
them in a time of hurt.
And so when a child experiencesthe opposite, that yes, as in
like the opposite.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
As in like the opposite.
As in like no, like nobody'sthere for them, nobody's coming,
or, or even worse, where they,you know, maybe the person that
they want that emotional needfrom uh acts in the completely
opposite direction, maybe, um,making, making them feel bad in
some way.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Yes.
So when we talk about anexample, it's exactly opposite.
When you think about a parent,when you're crying and you're
hurt and you're injured, thereaction that you're expecting
is love, nurturance and care andcompassion to help you feel
(07:07):
better.
And so whenever a child is metwith, maybe even just being
ignored, nobody's coming or metwith why are you crying?
You really kind of met with ormet with anxiety oh my gosh,
you're hurt.
What did you do?
(07:27):
Met with panic and fear fromthe parent.
So do you see how there'smultiple ways that a child would
have mixed signals there?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
I see your brain.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
You're definitely there, you just gave me like a
flashback to childhood sodiscreet this is kind of a heavy
one.
I don't know if I should besaying this one.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Well, I think right now, and this is a really good
moment for even us to educatelisteners whenever we start to
talk about things, um, that thatstart to be the word is
triggering, yeah, and that'ssomething that we never want to,
um, we never want to go dive in, diving into an open wound that
(08:18):
maybe isn't ready to be fullyexamined yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll
go with that well and and thegood.
the thing is like some of thethoughts are coming up.
This is good for listeners tostart to go okay, what do I do
when I'm starting to betriggered?
And when I say triggered, it'slike, oh boy, a memory is
(08:40):
popping up and with this memoryI am having a physiological
reaction, right.
And when we feel triggered, ourbrain actually thinks we're
back in that situation.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
In that moment.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
Yep, and so even with you, I want you to really check
in with me, check in with whatyou're doing here.
I always ask the people I'mtalking to how old are you right
now?
What are you doing right now?
And the brain starts to go ohboy, you know this.
I'm not there.
So, but that takes work to workyour brain out of a memory.
(09:25):
It's it's almost as if it'sputting on a movie and the brain
is thinking it's happening now.
So it's re-feeling any of thoseuncomfortable physical and
emotional feelings, as if it'shappening now right, right.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
So, like say, the moment I was thinking of it's a
negative moment, a very negativemoment in my life.
Yeah, and I guess, yeah, Iguess, as you were talking about
, I was in my head, I wasreliving that exact moment and I
guess, yeah, some negativeemotions did kind of fill into
me there a little bit.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, and see what you described.
There was a bit of you kind offell into me there a little bit.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, and see what you described.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
there was a bit of you kind of left the room then,
yeah, I guess I did.
Yeah, yeah, and so, andsometimes you know this is a
really good thing too.
Sometimes therapists aren'tfully aware when they're talking
to somebody and I'm not yourtherapist, but this is good for
people to know.
Sometimes we're not aware whenour patient has left the room.
Sometimes it's very obvious,depending on you.
(10:30):
Just feel that they've checkedout.
They may start to stare offinto the distance and that's
where I say your therapistguides you back.
So we don't want therapy to beuncomfortable, we want to
educate and teach and preparesomebody to go talking about
(10:56):
issues, and this is my form oftherapy the.
You know what I do.
So this isn't everybody, butthis is a model that I work with
and several people.
The more we learn about sometrauma, some hurts Not every
hurt is a trauma, so we could betriggered of a hurtful memory.
(11:16):
It's not a trauma, but, yikes,we're feeling uncomfortable
thinking about it.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
And it's kind of like similar to maybe that intrusive
thought where it popped in yourmind but this was more
triggered because we wereactually talking about early
childhood and then thesedifferent responses that could
have happened and guess what wemight have came so close to one
(11:42):
that your memory bulb went boomand then you kind of had this
flashback or intrusive imageryof that going on.
And so that's what can happenwhen you're listening to a
podcast or if you're watching amovie.
This can happen often forpeople without them knowing
(12:03):
they've watched something thatjust triggered them because
they're feeling it at a levelthat's so uncomfortable and
personal, and so those arereally good things for people to
take note of when they'refeeling personally triggered by
something around them and it isa good time to go.
Whoa, I got to check in withthis.
(12:24):
What just happened there?
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Right.
So with this situation thatjust happened with you know I
had that thought, but at least Iknow where it came from.
I know the source or the rootof the thought.
What about the people like youmentioned, the people that you
know?
Things happen so early inchildhood, or even in the womb
(12:50):
where, where, where do they?
Where's that foundation forthem?
How do they move on from that?
Speaker 2 (12:56):
I think part of it is just doing your homework, and
so doing homework means theremay be some questions that you
have to ask if you're able.
Some people are not able to dothe homework because the
resources aren't there.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Right Resources, as in you're talking about, like
asking your parents or somethinglike that.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yes, so it's where there could be a relationship
that you're unable to mendbecause they may no longer be
here.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Yep, or maybe it's not a good idea to even speak to
them.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Right or yes, so there's several reasons why we
may not get to do our homework.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That's not unavailable to those people at
least.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right.
But even understanding it canhelp us have more compassion for
ourselves.
Okay, gone through the timeswhen nobody met my needs and I
(14:16):
really struggled.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Or sometimes my people would meet my needs, and
other times it was just soinconsistent that I never felt
safe or secure.
Yeah, and when I got that needmet it felt so good.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It does.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Yeah, I felt like I'm loved, I'm important, but when
that need goes away.
I don't know it feels, I don'tknow, not good, right, I know it
doesn't feel good or that nexttime when you you need and it's
not met with that same love andcompassion, this time it's maybe
met with distance, maybethere's anger or a wall.
(15:00):
It's like today, maybe I can'thandle it or I'm having my own
bad days.
So get over it, don't offendfor yourself today.
And so I think that's manypeople, that's where I's, that's
many people you know, that'swhere I think many kids have
gone through that.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Oh, for sure.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Because our parents are, they were.
They're human, whether we haveone or two or we have a whole
village.
That raises us.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
And especially if the parents are young, because
they're still especially in yourearly twenties, there's a lot
of growing that are that's stilloccurring and uh, so for me I
guess there's like a forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
That's kind of there that I understand, I guess
understand is like I would tellpeople have a balance with that
of acknowledgement and that'swhere that self-compassion comes
(16:02):
in.
There are some things that I,you, know.
Sometimes we may even hearsomething about our childhood,
or maybe we didn't know, but allof a sudden our sibling says
you know, you, mom and dad weredone, but then you came along,
they didn't want any morechildren.
Something like that, a commentto a young kid, or even an adult
(16:23):
, could really shake what youthought was some kind of
foundation.
So that's how tricky and tough.
That's how tricky and tough and, I guess, subtle, these hurts
can come in and affect ourwell-being and our sense of how
(16:46):
well we feel that we're able toget our needs met, because just
hearing that can start to shakeyou a little bit to the core, to
the core.
So that one example you canthink of billion right.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
Oh yeah, you could build a whole lot off of that.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Right, that's the piece of really trying to
understand how many things couldhappen in our life that shake
our ability to be the healthiest, most loving, happiest giving
compassionate person.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
That we can be.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
That we can be, but that's the compassion piece of
okay.
The more I understand myselfand my history, and the several
hurts that maybe I don't evenknow about and the ones that I
do definitely have shaped theway I interact with people today
(17:44):
.
They interact how much I, howwell I can function in a
relationship, and it's a goodplace to do homework, because
most of our life is buildingrelationships.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
And then so I think the mostimportant thing is to think
(18:05):
about how do I do some homeworkon myself, and not just in terms
of self-care or getting mynails done or getting a massage.
This is, how do I really startto look at me and some of the
needs that maybe weren't met?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
That internal work.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
That eternal work, yeah, and if the internal work,
you can keep it at whateverlevel you want, if the internal
work, you can keep it atwhatever level you want.
(18:47):
That's a wonderful thing ofhaving power over what kind of
work you want to do.
If you're worried that some ofthe work does include some
traumas or some hurts that couldbe pretty intense, it's
definitely good to have somebodythat's guiding you and helping
you through that and helping youunderstand what a trigger is,
what a flashback is, what anintrusive thought is, and what
(19:12):
your brain is doing in terms oftaking something from your past
and when it's brought up, it'sas if it's currently on the
timeline, like it's happeningnow, yeah, and the brain needs
to be able to separate that from.
Oh wait, that's a snapshot ofsomething that happened in the
past.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
So I don't have to re-feel all those uncomfortable
feelings.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
But it can be difficult to not feel that.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You bet and that's the part of the work is going
through it, and that's part ofsome people where they decide,
well, yeah, this is bothering meenough or I feel like I don't
know how to do that that's areally good time to say, okay,
(20:03):
so maybe this would be a goodtime for me to seek some help,
have somebody walk me throughthis, instead of me tackling
this on my own somebody walk methrough this instead of me
tackling this on my own.
Yeah, you're going to get that,so it is it's.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
This conversation became a little bit more of the
ones we've had so far.
This is the one that kind of, Iguess, hit me harder than I
expected.
I didn't, I didn't, yeah, wow.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Are you doing okay right now?
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, I'm doing just fine, Just cause this is not
like something I'm, you know Itry to bury or anything like
that but uh, but it's deep.
Yeah, it is, it's very deep.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
And I think it's deep for everybody who's listening.
Uh, I think it's the thing thatwe maybe always know.
You know, this happened when Iwas a kid, or anytime you watch
a movie, a documentary, there isa lot of times they go back to
the past, right the flashbacks,or you're getting more of the
(21:09):
story of well, why is thisperson struggling as an adult?
Well, why is this personstruggling as an adult?
And it's very rare that themovie doesn't do a flashback to
oh whoa, they experienced that.
Yeah, A reveal, A reveal ofwhat shaped their current
struggles.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
So that's the thing where we get to do that work on
ourselves and hopefully that'swhere our compassion comes into
play and do.
I want to now try to establishand work through healthier ways
of being so that my past paindoesn't continue to maybe have
(22:02):
me hurt others as a result, orput past it down through the
generations.
Beautiful, right, I mean.
And that again is a wholenother, yeah, yeah, that again
is a whole nother, yeah.
So today we were just reallygetting into a very big topic
that is open in so many areas ofpsychology, probably every area
(22:25):
of life.
But it's really to say that weall have emotions, that we want
to be able to meet our own needs.
Yet, you know, we just don'tfunction that way.
It's not human nature.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
We rely on others.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
We rely on others, and part of relying on others is
starting to understand whenwe're in relationships maybe,
where we're relying on somebodywho is hurtful.
And we continually get ourunmet needs, continue to go
(23:04):
unmet.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Because that feels normal.
So we're gravitating towardsnormalcy, so we were gravitating
(23:38):
towards normalcy.
So a lot of the people I workwith I just say, you know, it's
not a surprise that you're in avery difficult relationship with
somebody who's emotionallyunavailable with, given what
you've told me about the way youwere raised and the struggles
you've endured.
So it's, you know, and I thinkjust people hearing that,
they're like oh wow, I didexactly what I, you know, felt
normal to me.
I didn't just choose somebodymaladaptive or hurtful.
I went to what felt totallynormal and I'm unhappy with it
still, but I can't, it's, it'shard for me to pull away from it
(24:00):
.
Well, that's, that's part of umnot seeing that you, you're
gravitating towards balance andthen.
So it takes a big shift to lookfor something opposite and to
then give that enough time tobecome your new norm.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, a lot of adjustments there.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Oh, yes, so I mean, we were talking about really big
stuff, you know then, that, yes, yeah, really big stuff.
You know then, yes, I love it,though I mean, I think that our
listeners that we've talkedabout these bigger topics this
(24:44):
is going into.
We're in our third season now,yeah, and I think that our
listeners really are gravitatingto this show because they like
to have these conversations.
They maybe are looking for somestimulating conversations about
areas like this that are deepand that I don't just have one
simple answer for.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
But it's more of the open dialogue that we're having,
the discussion that gets theselittle light bulbs going for
them.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah, yeah, hey, how are you doing?
I'm doing good, yeah, like Isaid, I guess I'm processing a
lot of stuff right now.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
I love that.
I mean and that's when ourlisteners when you hear that I'm
processing, many of you maypause the show and just process
a little bit.
That means your brain's going.
It's just like eating a bigsteak dinner and I have to
digest this.
Yeah Well, I mean psychology'sgoing.
It's just like eating a bigsteak dinner and I have to
digest this.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Yeah Well, I mean psychology in general.
That's a heavy, complex topics.
They can be very abstract andyou got to do a lot of
self-reflection to kind of workthrough this stuff.
So like pausing the podcast andthinking about stuff is
perfectly normal, Perfect, Okay,and that you know that stuff is
perfectly normal, perfect Okay,and that you know.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
That brings up another point.
Yes, if you're feelingtriggered, uncomfortable, that
is, of course, you know, not ourintent.
This is not any kind oftherapeutic setting, very aware
(26:27):
that he's able to.
You know, he knows what he'sable to share and now he's able
to communicate.
He can back away at any time.
That's the same for ourlisteners, and so some things
may be feeling uncomfortable.
You can just shut it off.
It doesn't mean you have topause it.
You can just shut it off.
It doesn't mean you have topause it.
It's something that you need tobe ready to want to listen to a
conversation about, and that ispart of you taking care of
(26:51):
yourself.
Is saying, oh, I'm not ready tolisten to this today, yep, or
maybe I want to do some more ofmy own homework and reading
about this before I sit andlisten to an open discussion
about it.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Those are all really good ways to take your time
being part of this kind ofdiscussion that can feel intense
.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, this has been intense A little
bit.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Well, yeah, and for our listeners too, hopefully
that everybody's feeling likethey're getting some idea of
these emotional needs, and whenthey're unmet, we will try to
get them met in whatever waythat we can, and so those are
(27:45):
some of the other topics that wecan talk about.
We'll bring up unmet needsoften.
Everybody has them.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
We all have different levels, we all have different
stages of where we acknowledgeyeah, this comes in all kinds of
different areas of life right,every, yeah, every aspect of it.
Yes, yeah, this comes in allkinds of different areas of life
right, every, yeah, everyaspect of it.
Yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
It's where we, a lot of what we believe about
ourselves is formed by age six.
So those are our before.
Our brain can really it'staking everything as is so.
That's why these earlyrelationships are so vital,
because that's where we createwho we are, based off of the
(28:27):
feedback we get from others, andso, as an adult, your brain can
look and say, no, that's notright, that's irrational, that
isn't true.
But when you're young andyou're getting this feedback,
your brain's going, it'sconcrete, it's saying okay, okay
.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Because that's all you know.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
That's what you're told and your brain isn't at a
level to sit and really go.
Oh wait, let me dissect whatyou just, let me process what
you just told me and see howmuch of it is true, how much of
it is bullshit, how much of itis bullshit, how much of it is
about you and the day you'rehaving.
Our brain is not set to do thatyet.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Think at face value kind of.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Yes, it's concrete, it's there.
It becomes part of our internalnetwork, of who we are.
So, when you think aboutwhatever went on until about age
six and now you're, you know,40, oh, wow, you know the
beliefs I have in myself.
(29:34):
I established at age six andmaybe I haven't even challenged
those.
Yeah, I imagine most peoplehaven't.
Well, I, I.
I think what happens is that'spart of our.
It's a.
It becomes our internal voiceor our internal belief about
ourselves that we don'tchallenge.
(29:55):
And when other people do wedismiss, people do we dismiss.
So if a core belief is I'mflawed, there's something wrong
with me as an adult, we may notchallenge that Every time we
mess up, our thought would goback to see that's because
there's something wrong with me.
(30:17):
And if somebody duringadulthood, if we really believe
that another adult just can'tlook at it oh, of course that's
not your fault.
What are we going to do?
Speaker 1 (30:34):
with that.
If we don't believe that, well,if we don't believe it, then
we'll probably just get thrownout.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
We just look at them, just miss it, or okay, thank
you for that.
That wasn't helpful, but thankyou for trying.
Yeah, it's really hard for usto change that core belief, no
matter what's coming at us, butit can be done.
I think it's these kind ofconversations going okay.
(31:00):
So, yeah, this is how I'vethought about myself from an
early age, when I wasn't able toreally dissect this and see how
much of it is valid.
Yeah, what piece of it actuallyis maybe part of me?
What piece of it is part ofjust the people around me and
(31:20):
the way they handled life andthe way they were raised?
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
So it's all of that.
You know where you look at, howcomplex it is.
But then to say, well, okay,what parts of my internal belief
do I want to now challengeabout myself?
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Because I can.
I can change these now.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
It's difficult to do that by yourself, though, like I
, I'm kind of seeing likethrough, like uh, even just
talking to somebody, whether itbe a therapist or somebody else,
like it's good to have someoneyou trust, um kind of looking at
you from an outside perspective.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
There and that could be a piece of it.
Yeah, perspective, and thatcould be a piece of it.
The other is, if you findyourself with somebody that you
really care about and it's beena good relationship, those are
people that are challenging yourepeatedly and so if they
(32:18):
continually counter yournegative belief that you're
sharing with them part of it iseventually are you going to
start to let them in and believethat right?
So if somebody keeps saying, no, that's not you, you know, of
course, you're lovable, I loveyou, you know.
Whatever this, if you have areally genuine person, that's
(32:40):
where a lot of people, I think,do this work on their own
without knowing it.
They formed some kind ofrelationship or relationships
with friends where they'reconsistently hearing the
opposite of what they thoughtwas true about themselves.
So a lot of people, I think,are doing this work without
knowing it.
There you go are doing thiswork without knowing it.
(33:05):
Okay, there you go, like.
So I always uh, when I talk tomy for me, I always have my uh
friend that I know.
uh, if I need support, she'sgonna have my back, no matter
what, even if I did wrong yeahand then I have my friend who's
gonna call me out of my bullshit, give me a little bit of where
I'm.
You know, I'm a year, yeah, butalso you're, you know.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Yep, I like to have.
I personally like to have avariety of friends like that too
.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Right so yeah.
So I think it's learning to dothis kind of find those people
that can really help look at youand see the way they're seeing
you, and if it's definitelysomething that's opposite of
your internal like if I'm flawed, I'm bad or I'm worthless, I'm
(33:54):
unlovable, and peopleconsistently tell you different,
consistently tell you differentand so starting to, I think
that's where people are alreadydoing this work.
You know they're they'regravitating, or they could be or
should be gravitating towardspeople who are doing that for
them.
Great, there we go.
(34:18):
Well, you know what Harold isreally thinking here, and so I
think this is a good time to saywe're going to wrap up this.
This is just our first dive intounmet emotional needs, but I
definitely talked about this andother episodes.
I don't know if I actuallylabeled them this, but if you go
(34:43):
back and listen to, there is anepisode on attachment, so I
think that would be a reallyhelpful episode for our
listeners.
If you're really getting intothis, that's a great one to go
and listen to and do some ofyour homework.
There's one on self-esteem,even imposter syndrome.
(35:05):
I mean all of these earlierepisodes to go and listen to
some of them and it's going tomake more sense about how these
unmet needs are influencing howwe're functioning as adults and
that going back doing some ofthe homework, that's part of us
starting to understand ourselvesa bit better.
Right, right, Okay, Well, thankyou, Harold.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
Yeah, no problem, no problem, Thank you.
And one term I like that youmentioned that I don't know if
I've ever heard before isself-compassion.
I like that and let's keep that.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Well, I love that.
Well, why don't we end our PSwith that then?
Sure so PS self-compassion,let's keep that.
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