July 5, 2024 • 48 mins
Navigating the sensitive terrain of domestic violence intersecting with pregnancy and motherhood is no easy task. Imagine being a healthcare professional grappling with infertility while surrounded by the constant reminders of pregnancy at your workplace. This week's episode begins with a listener's heartfelt story that captures this emotional struggle, setting the stage for a broader discussion on the unique anxieties faced by healthcare professionals during their own pregnancies. We highlight how social media can both alleviate and exacerbate these anxieties, emphasizing the importance of filtering content to maintain a positive mindset.
Domestic violence is more than just physical harm; it involves emotional manipulation, financial control, and isolation, which collectively have severe psychological and physical repercussions. We unpack recent studies and statistics to stress the critical need for specialized healthcare and support systems for survivors. Creating safe, non-judgmental environments for victims is paramount, and mental health professionals play a crucial role in helping them rebuild self-worth and navigate the complexities of leaving abusive relationships. This episode also examines the bureaucratic hurdles in divorce proceedings, particularly between the US and UK, and how these can further traumatize those trying to escape abusive situations.
Empowerment through financial independence is a recurring theme as we delve into the less obvious forms of abuse, such as financial control. We share personal anecdotes and practical advice to help listeners recognize red flags and strive for equal financial partnership in their relationships. Wrapping up the episode, we offer a heartfelt apology for a previous communication mishap and express our gratitude for the support from our growing community. Stay tuned for a special segment next week as we continue to engage with and support our listeners.
Disclaimer: This podcast represents the opinions of Dr. Bridget Melton, MD and licensed therapist Marissa Volinsky, MS, LPC, NCC. The contents of our podcast and website should not be taken as medical advice. The contents of our podcast and website are for general informational purposes only, and are not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any condition or disease or substitute for medical advice. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before starting or discontinuing treatment.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out immediately to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to the Text Line at 88788. These services are free and confidential.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hello and welcome back to our second episode of
season two.
Today we're talking aboutdomestic violence very heavy
topic so if this makes you feeluncomfortable in any way, feel
free to sit this one out.
Likewise, if you want to sharea personal story or speak to a
professional, reach out to us atany time for support.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
All right.
So thank you guys for joiningus.
We're so excited to have youhere.
Even though this is a bit of aheavier topic, we'll still try
to work in some personal storiesand make it a little bit
lighter for everybody.
So firstly I'd like to share astory from one of our listeners.
It's about last week's episode.
She talks about her ownstruggles with infertility at a
very young age and she said Icould share her story.
(00:44):
She said I was lucky that allmy friends and family were
supportive while I was trying toget pregnant.
I was 25 and you should havebeen able to sneeze on me to
impregnate me.
Based on both sides of myfamily, twins are very common on
my maternal side.
The hardest part was whensomeone I love, or even a
patient, would get pregnant andI'd have to bite down hard on
that little tendril of jealousybefore it could take root.
(01:06):
The first time I was with atermination at Planned
Parenthood, I had a moment whereI just wanted to slap her
because I'd had to work so hardto get to 12 weeks this one time
, and then I remembered shewasn't me and took a deep breath
and got the fuck over myself.
No problem after that.
So thank you so much to ourlistener for sharing that
(01:26):
personal anecdote about her owninfertility journey and how it
made her feel while working inhealthcare, especially her
experiences working in PlannedParenthood, where patients are
coming in for terminations.
Meanwhile she was silentlysuffering with her own health.
It can be extremely tough toseparate our personal
experiences from our work.
I can speak to this as well.
So very early in my pregnancy Iwas really nervous about
(01:49):
potentially miscarrying, for noreason other than the fact that
early miscarriages are extremelycommon.
And you know, when you work inhealthcare, like all the stats
are in your head so you just areconstantly like it could be me.
It could be me and I didn'thave my early ultrasound yet.
So I was always just a bitworried, like because without
the ultrasound you actually haveno idea what's going on in
there.
So whenever I worked on theearly pregnancy unit I would
(02:11):
diagnose multiple miscarriages aday and after eight hours it
would really start to weigh onmy mind.
I might go an entire day onlyseeing non-viable pregnancies
and it makes you very nervous.
And now I'm at the point whereI'm seeing patients come in
preterm labor or diagnosed asstillbirths who are just as
pregnant as I am now, and whenyou work in healthcare, you're
(02:34):
constantly exposed to these pooroutcomes.
So your mind can rarely restand I often find myself
wondering, like why them?
This could be me throughout theday.
Like, if you don't work inhealth care, you might have
literally like one story.
If you're like, if you know alot of people um, where you know
someone who had a stillbirth,like most people don't know
(02:56):
someone who personally had astillbirth, but when you work in
health care you see them almostevery, not every day.
That would be really crazy,that would be a busy hospital.
But maybe once or twice a weekyou get a really bad outcome
like that or like a pretermlabor, and so to us it just
feels like it's so commonbecause we're the ones who are
seeing it.
So if you're pregnant, it'svery jarring to constantly be
(03:18):
like she's just as pregnant as Iam and we're cremating her baby
you know like it really, reallyfucks with you mentally.
So, especially for this personwho shared her own story, like
she's worked in PlannedParenthood.
People are obviously coming infor terminations, which is their
right to do so, but for hershe's like I've had to work so
(03:39):
hard just to get pregnant and itcan be really frustrating when
you're in that predicament, but,like she said, she took a deep
breath and is like you knowshe's not me and just got over
it and that's kind of what youhave to do.
You just have to separateyourself from your patients.
So yeah, thank you so much toour listener for sharing that
personal story.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yes, thank you, and thank you for listening.
That's awesome.
So, yeah, absolutely, it ishard.
Like you said, you're probablynot going to see as many if
you're not in the healthprofession, but I feel like now,
with social media, you see itmore.
For instance, like I've known afew girls that have, but we
either went to high school orcollege together and I didn't
know them personally, butbecause I'm friends with them on
(04:18):
social media and they showedeveryone that horrific journey,
I heard about it and I saw itand it's heartbreaking and I
feel like cause we've touched onsocial media too, you know,
you're seeing more of thingsthan ever before because people
are more willing to share.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah, absolutely.
People are definitely morewilling to share, which can be
great, but also can be bad.
If you're trying to thinkpositively, you know, if you're
trying to think positively andbe like I'm a low risk pregnancy
, I'm a healthy young woman,there's no reason that I should
think something's wrong.
But if you're constantlybarraged by these videos of
(04:55):
people who are having horrificsecond trimester miscarriages or
stillbirths at term, that canreally get in your head and
you'll be like well, it could beme.
Um, so I would say, if you'rekind of like searching for those
trauma stories while you'repregnant or while you're trying
to conceive, you really need tomoderate the amount that you
absorb so that it doesn't becomeyour whole story.
(05:18):
Is is like pregnancy anxiety,because it is uncommon.
At the end of the day, havinglike a term stillbirth is not
common and it usually is asymptom of something more
dangerous that was unfortunatelygoing on during that pregnancy
and we just didn't know it untilthe outcome happened.
So you need to like kind ofseparate yourself from that
(05:40):
negative and horrible journeythat someone did have, because
you can't let that affect yourpregnancy.
Um, and I'd also say like don'tmedicalize yourself like when I
was a little bit earlier inpregnancy, like 20 to 25 weeks,
everyone at work would be like,oh, are you gonna do this?
Are you gonna do this?
Like, are you gonna do theseextra scans?
(06:00):
And I was like no.
And they were like, why not?
Like why wouldn't you want toknow?
And it's like, well, I am a lowrisk, knock on wood pregnancy.
Like I don't want to medicalizemyself and like, find something
that we weren't gonna findbefore.
You know what I mean.
Like if there was no reason tolisten.
If my midwife says you needthis because this doesn't look
right, then 100% I'll do it.
But I'm not gonna request itbecause I'm a doctor and I know
(06:23):
they'll say yes to me because Iwork at the hospital I'm booked
at and like I don't know, liketry to find something wrong on a
scan.
And then now I'm a high riskpregnancy and it's all my fault,
like I didn't need to do this.
So that's my advice as wellLike, unless you're a very, very
anxious person and you need toknow, like trying not to
medicalize it because pregnancy,at the end of the day, is a
(06:46):
completely natural, normalprocess, you don't need doctors,
you don't need you know.
Only if something goes wrong,you do so you should just let it
run its course.
Unless you know you come, youflag as high risk for other
reasons.
I agree.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Well, thank you for sharing your personal story
again, and now we're going todive into the topic of domestic
violence for this week.
So let's start with what isdomestic violence?
It's a pattern of behaviorsused by one partner to maintain
power and control over the otherin an intimate relationship.
It could take many forms,including physical, emotional,
(07:24):
sexual and financial abuse.
This is a widespread issue thatdoes affect people of all
backgrounds, genders and sexualorientations, yet it often goes
underreported and misunderstood.
Domestic violence is not justabout physical violence.
It often includes emotionalmanipulation, isolation from
friends and family, financialcontrol and constant
intimidation.
Victims may feel trapped,ashamed and unable to seek help,
and constant intimidation.
(07:44):
Victims may feel trapped,ashamed and unable to seek help.
Domestic violence isn't justabout physical harm.
It inflicts profoundpsychological wounds.
Victims often experience fear,anxiety, depression and PTSD.
These mental health effects canpersist long after the physical
scars have healed and victimsmay struggle with feelings of
shame, guilt and worthlessness.
They often develophypervigilance and they
(08:05):
constantly anticipate danger inorder to protect themselves,
which can lead to chronic stressand anxiety disorders.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yeah.
So, according to Pathfinder,44% of women this is worldwide
44% of women cannot make theirown decisions about their sexual
and reproductive health abouttheir sexual and reproductive
health, sorry without fear ofviolence or harm.
27% of women and girls aged 15to 49 years report physical and
(08:34):
or sexual violence by theirintimate partner and, lastly,
women who experienced intimatepartner violence were 16% more
likely to suffer miscarriage.
So being abused, whetherphysically, mentally,
psychologically, as Marcia saidis directly correlated to poor
health outcomes.
Marcia just said like affectsyour mental health and, as we
(08:56):
know if you've been on this podjourney with us, your mental
health directly affects yourphysical health.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
In 2021,.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Dubs and Secchi published a systematic review
where they stated, quoteintimate partner violence was
shown to have negative effectson physical health outcomes for
women, including worsening thesymptoms of menopause and
increasing the risk ofdeveloping diabetes, contracting
sexually transmitted infections, engaging in risk-taking
(09:25):
behaviors, including the abuseof drugs and alcohol, and
developing chronic diseases andpain.
It also has significant effectson human immunodeficiency virus
outcomes.
So HIV worsening of your CD4count depletion.
So as HIV progresses, your CD4count goes down.
So as HIV progresses, your CD4count goes down.
So it can actually progressyour HIV disease, because your
(09:49):
immune system will becomeweakened if you're suffering
from intimate partner violence.
So they were able to concludethat quote the result of this
review demonstrates that womenwho have experienced violence
and abuse are at significantlyincreased risk of poor health
outcomes in a variety of areasand so require specialized and
tailored primary care.
(10:11):
This review highlightssignificant gaps in this field
of research, particularly inrelation to cardiovascular
disease, endocrine dysfunctionand neurological symptoms and
conditions.
It demonstrates a need foradditional long-term studies in
this field to better inform thehealthcare of women who've
experienced intimate partnerviolence and to establish the
(10:31):
physiological mediators of theseoutcomes.
So yeah, I mean.
Obviously we know there aremassive gaps in research when it
comes to women's health.
For years decades reallyscientists and large companies
like pharma companies have saidoh, it's because we don't want
(10:51):
to study women, because they'reof reproductive age and we don't
want to be liable if anythinggoes wrong.
In reality, they just painteveryone with a broad brush and
women are completely swept underthe rug and not investigated
properly.
So the true breadth of damagethat intimate partner violence
can cause is not really known.
But what we do know is it canworsen your health outcomes
(11:14):
overall and that's obviouslybecause of the stress you're
undergoing, as Marissa willtouch on and it can cause PTSD,
anxiety, depression.
If you're suffering from all ofthese mental health conditions,
how can you properly look afteryourself physically?
You can't.
So intimate partner violence isa really important topic,
especially because it's verypervasive, even in the modern
(11:38):
world.
A lot of people think it's, oh,it's really only bad in certain
countries where they don'trespect women.
That's not true and we knowthat's not true Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
So how does domestic violence contribute to PTSD and
trauma?
Let's discuss that a bit.
So, the unpredictable nature ofabuse, coupled with feelings of
helplessness, can trigger PTSDsymptoms such as flashbacks,
nightmares and emotional numbing.
These symptoms can impair dailyfunctioning and quality of life
, as Brigitte has just kind ofmentioned and shown in the study
.
So long-term, there areconsequences for these victims
(12:11):
on their mental health andsurvivors may struggle with
trust issues, difficulty formingnew relationships, challenges
in managing emotions, and theseeffects can persist even after
leaving the abusive relationship.
And then they have to deal withthe fear of retaliation,
financial dependence andsocietal stigma, and this can
deter victims from seekingsupport, and we do see that a
lot.
Like I said earlier, it goesunderreported often and
(12:35):
additionally, abusers oftenmanipulate and isolate their
partners, making it hard toaccess resources.
They're known to cut them offfrom family and friends, and
this is on purpose.
This is to make it harder forthem to leave and also easier
for them to just go back andcontinue that cycle of abuse,
because without support, how canyou get out?
How can you get help?
It does feel very helpless, youknow so I understand that.
(12:56):
So it's important asprofessionals and even friends
and family, to create safespaces for the survivors to
share their experiences withoutjudgment, which is extremely
crucial, and all mental healthprofessionals can provide
trauma-informed care which helpssurvivors rebuild their sense
of safety and self-worth, whichis a big thing that we work on
when you're trying to helpsomeone leave this relationship,
(13:18):
because not only do they needthe support and resources, but
it really has to do with theirown self-worth confidence.
All of that Because throughoutthe whole relationship, the
abusive partner has diminishedit and chipped away at it little
by little by little, and theyreally do feel unworthy, like I
hear a lot in my practice.
Do I deserve better?
I've even heard one woman say Ideserve this.
(13:40):
He did this because I did that,so I deserve this.
This is my fault and these arethings we have to work through.
We have to work through thesesentences and these negative
core beliefs that they formed inthis relationship and we have
to help them get back on theright path and see that this is
not okay.
It is never okay.
So that's just some things Iwork with often when it involves
(14:03):
domestic violence.
Another thing I wanted to touchon and I don't know if you saw,
bridget, but five days ago, uslawmakers in Louisiana, oklahoma
and Nebraska and Texas arediscussing eliminating and
restricting no-fault divorce.
A quote from the Direct articleis they feel that divorce laws
(14:24):
deprive, deprive people, mostlymen, of due process and hurt
families.
They're trying to make itharder.
Now, right, there needs to befault, but I feel like this hits
upon the domestic violenceissue, because now it makes it
harder for these people who arebeing abused to leave.
Now they're stuck with thatperson and I feel like no fault.
(14:45):
Divorce is helpful and I don'tknow why you would want to
eliminate it.
So, um, but I guess you knowthe really right wing Christians
believe like that's wrong inthe eyes of God.
But again, as you and Idiscussed, bridget, not everyone
in this country is thatreligion.
Not everyone's Christian, noteveryone's Catholic.
We're a melting pot.
(15:06):
We have so many differentreligions.
And also I do think it's a bitof government overreach, because
you and your partner decidewhat's best for you or you just
because maybe you're in anabusive relationship and you
need an out.
Nobody, especially thegovernment, should be deciding
what kind of divorce you get andif you should be allowed to
have it completely.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
You know this is actually something we discuss
here.
Okay, so I live in england forthose of you who are new in
season two.
So in england, to get a divorceyou have to.
It can be no fault, I'm sure,but you have to wait a minimum
of six months.
And I argue this with myin-laws all the time because I'm
like a your country takes waytoo long to get shit done.
I'm sorry, but like this is ajoke.
(15:47):
It's basically just puttingmore money in the lawyer's
pockets.
And B, if you are fleeing asituation for your safety, I'm
sorry, I'm not waiting sixmonths, I need a divorce and I
need it now.
And their whole argument islike well, it is the end of a
marriage.
Well, it is the end of amarriage, like it shouldn't be
that you could just like call upyour like 1-800 lawyer that
like advertises on the subwayand get a quickie divorce for
(16:10):
$350.
And I'm like no, I understandthat it is the end of a marriage
.
It deserves its due process andit deserves its day in court.
But in those situations where Iam fleeing for mine or my
child's safety, I'm sorry.
I'm six.
Child's safety, I'm sorry.
Six months is ridiculous andI'm not waiting that long.
You best believe I'd be longout of there way before then.
(16:31):
I don't give an F what you sayand that is I always assumed.
I don't actually know how theorigin of like US divorce law
changed wildly in the 50s andthe 60s.
It with like california and newyork and like where a lot of
celebs did live and they weregetting divorced more rapid fire
.
Um, and I think people are justlike, oh, that's just because
(16:51):
like the glamour of the day,like they wanted quick divorces.
But I always actually assumedit's because those, if you run
with those circles, there's alot of drinking and drugs and
there's a lot of abuse.
Like hollywood was full ofabusers back in that time and I
genuinely think that like thosestates were looking out for men
or women because obviouslyanyone can be abused and we're
(17:13):
just kind of like yeah, like ifyou need to get out, you can get
out quickly, and states thatdon't allow you to do that.
It's just like I'm sorry, what?
Like who are you to decide howquickly I can leave this
potentially dangerous marriage?
Speaker 1 (17:25):
yeah, I really think that's crazy, because each
marriage is different and forthem to halt you and keep you
for six extra months is isthat's insane.
Probably does feel hopeless,like some of these victims are
reporting.
You know you feel stuck andyeah, absolutely I.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I do know someone, like casually, she's an
acquaintance um in England whois still undergoing her divorce.
It has been a year now and atfirst when I met her I was
asking like my in-laws.
I was like why is she still mad?
Like she's in a newrelationship, lives on her own,
has completely moved on and Iwas like why are they like not
signing the papers?
Like that's bizarre.
And they were like no, bridget,like that's how long it takes
(18:03):
in England.
And I was like why are theylike not signing the papers?
Like that's bizarre.
And they were like no, bridget,like that's how long it takes
in England.
And I was like this is a joke.
They have no children.
They didn't own a home together.
Like she owned her own homeseparately.
It was gifted from her parents,so it's completely in her name,
gift from the parents.
I don't know his situation, butlike he moved into one of her
homes like never had kids,didn't share property.
(18:26):
So like what is the hangup?
I was like sign the papers andgo it.
Just lines lawyers, pocketsmore, really, cause you're
dragging it out for a year now.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Yeah, um, I had a client years ago.
It was a couple and I couldtell that there were signs of
verbal abuse.
So I was trying to meet withthem separately because I was
trying to tell the, the femaleclient, like here's some
resources you have to get out.
And she did, but he would stalkher.
(18:58):
So, like they were wealthyenough, where, like, they had
their immediate home and thenthey had like a nice condo up
north of in New Jersey, sothat's where she was going to
live, and she was like this is aseparation, it is going to be a
divorce eventually, but justlike, leave me alone, let's like
live our separate lives.
Um, and he would just stalk thecondo and he said, like we're
(19:19):
not allowed to get divorced,divorce isn't an option and it
was.
It was crazy, um, but this is.
This is why I hate, like thefact that people are trying to
change like the no fault divorceand everything, and make
divorces harder or more drawnout.
Because why, like it?
In situations like this, you'remaking it so easy for them to
get hurt.
The victims could getphysically hurt because the
(19:41):
violence escalates.
It could be verbal at first,but if they're not getting their
way, it's escalating andescalating and escalating.
Next thing, you know it's amurder, you know what I mean.
Or just something so severethat like they're disabled
because you know they tried tokill them but it didn't work.
They survived, but they'redisabled now.
Or I saw, I saw somethinghorrific when I was watching the
ID channel once where he litthis girl on fire and she did
(20:03):
survive miraculously, but herburns were so bad that, like a
couple of months later she diedin the hospital.
But she was, she was like noteven the same person.
The burns were so extensive andI couldn't believe that, like
the fact that you're allowed toburn someone because you're that
angry that you don't havecontrol over a human being, like
there's, that's, that's sick,that's so sick, seriously.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yeah, and I'm sure you can speak to this Mercer,
controlling behavior onlyprogresses.
And yes, you might say, oh no,not my partner Like it, stopped
at this.
Yeah, but that was aprogression, because he didn't
do that to you before.
And yes, thank God, I'mhonestly, I'm so happy that
maybe it stopped with reallyvile language and he never
(20:45):
physically abused you.
But that was a progression fromno abuse to calling you the C
word.
That's progression.
And some men or women that willprogress to physical and
psychological violence as well.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
Absolutely Honestly, in all the cases I've seen,
whether in my personal life oron the ID channel, which I love,
it's always gotten worse.
I've never seen it in mypersonal life.
Or on the ID channel, which Ilove, it's always gotten worse.
I've never seen it just staythe same or get better, never.
And also, what I noticed whichis annoying is that, um and I'm
not knocking the police, I loveyou have a lot of cop friends, I
love that you keep us safe, butI do think the laws need to
change because the police arestunted in their ability to help
(21:20):
and you could see that likewhere they'll come out for a
domestic abuse call, they'll belike well that you know that, he
said.
She said it's just a threatuntil real something really
happens.
You can't get the restrainingorder or we can't help you.
And that's upsetting becausewhat they are saying again, not
the police fault, it's thelawmakers fault.
What they're saying is until he, until he pretty much tries to
(21:40):
kill you and probably succeeds,there's nothing we can do.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So and that's scary, I'm sorry, I actually.
Yeah, that's perfect segue.
So the law does not look outfor survivors of domestic abuse,
it just doesn't.
When violence happens withinthe home, there's little proof
or evidence, obviously, likethey both live in that home,
their DNA is everywhere, likethey didn't have to break in,
you know.
So survivors have to presscharges.
(22:05):
So you have been pressingcharges against, potentially,
the father or mother of your ownchild and you have to continue
down a painful, arduous route topursue just a sliver of justice
, maybe.
So, of course, this places thatperson and their children in
the danger zone and itoverexposes them.
So many people opt out toprotect their loved ones because
why wouldn't you, why would youput your own child at risk and
(22:28):
expose yourselves like that?
Um, and just because theoutcome might still be breaking
even.
Really.
So, domestic violence.
We have like a massive gap inour laws.
There I completely agree withyou.
There's just like there isalmost like there's no route to
take until there's years ofcontinued abuse and if you go
(22:49):
and go to the hospital everytime, document photos,
eventually get a restrainingorder, which is not as easy as
you think, and then, yeah,hopefully it a decade from now,
there's enough a mountain ofevidence for someone to do
something, otherwise mercy.
You're exactly right.
It's when that person'smurdered, then they go.
Oh, look at that, she actuallyfiled a restraining order six
(23:12):
months ago.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Must be her partner who did this and it's like, well
, it's too late I agree it's sadhonestly, because there's a lot
of people that um are losingfamily members and friends to
this when it could have been.
It could have been prevented.
You know they they let the cops, they they tried to file the
restraining order, whether theygot it or not, and it's just
wasn't enough.
You know they were like nope,it has to escalate a little bit
(23:34):
more.
And it's just scary becausesome of these people have kids.
You know like it's we're notjust talking about like two
partners in this.
Sometimes there's family kidsinvolved.
I've seen horrible things wherethey've tried to hurt the pets
and it's scary and I feel likethe cops should be able to do
something about it.
(23:58):
There should be some kind of lawthat is put in place to protect
people earlier, especially whenhow come some of these men or
women it is usually maledominated, though the
perpetrators that they'll.
The cops will ring up therecord and it's got there's so
much on the record so much, butbecause they're not actively
doing something, in this currentcase, it's like, well, I don't
know about that, and for me it'slike mental health
(24:20):
professionals are trained totrack patterns and that's how we
can predict future behaviors,and it's like this is a pattern.
This is a pattern.
This is getting worse.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
I think cops are often like that's beyond their
job role.
So they don't want to drawthose conclusions because,
ultimately, the people who areresponding to domestic violence,
like they're just uniformofficers you know what I mean
Like so they're like whoa,that's.
You know, I'm not seeing acrime now Like, yeah, someone
might have a bruise, but theyboth live here, both their names
(24:50):
on the deed, they both haveevery right to be in this home
and no one's fessing up.
So, you know, pursuing more iskind of beyond their scope and
they're like yeah, I don't wantto be responsible for this, but
someone needs to be yeah,absolutely it's scary, you know,
it really is scary and thereneeds to be more in place to
(25:12):
protect the victims.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Absolutely.
Even programs too.
I feel like I can't speak forother states, but in New Jersey
we do have a good amount, but Ifeel like we could have more, to
be honest, definitely more, andalso maybe programs that are
directly for males right, causethat's kind of like the ones
that are almost sometimesembarrassed to come forward and
they are the minority victimsand maybe they can have just an
(25:36):
all male group so they don'tfeel so uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yeah, I know there definitely are male charities
out there I can't name themoffhand, but there definitely
are for men who are victims ofintimate partner violence.
I think obviously the majorityis male dominated as perpetrator
, like you said, but also thereis the threat of men obviously
(25:59):
commit more violent crimes, sothey're more likely to take it a
bit further.
It's just based on statistics.
Also, men on average are tallerand way more, so there is
always that threat and we needto protect the smaller partner
in the relationship.
Just because you like yourpartner, your male partner,
(26:20):
maybe in like a heteronormativerelationship, maybe he is just
yelling and getting vile and hehasn't actually touched you yet,
but he's maybe a foot tallerthan you, so you're already
physically threatened, whereaswhen it's the opposite way
around, for a male to feelphysically threatened, like the
woman already had to, you know,do something physical, because
(26:41):
men don't walk around justafraid of women.
We're smaller and we tend toweigh less.
The threat of me attacking youis way less than the opposite
way around, and I think thatthat's also what people don't
understand.
You could feel physicallythreatened when the person has
not even touched you yet becausethe way they're towering over
you, you know they weigh morethan you.
You know that with one handthey can hold both of yours down
(27:04):
quite easily.
Anyone who's in a relationshiplike you know this.
Like, not in any sexual way,but like, if you're in a
relationship, you're always like, oh, like, let me see how
strong I am.
Like you know you're curiousand you're like could I actually
fight off a man?
No, straight up, and I go tothe gym.
I would say I'm slightlystronger than, like, the average
woman.
My height and weight, no, no,no, literally ted one hand down
(27:28):
don't even play me.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I had, I had you in denmark.
Okay, let's talk about sisterviolence, just kidding yeah, um
um, but no, yeah, no, men are.
It's just.
Again, we are just talkingabout the general.
It's not everybody.
I mean.
I know there's some likeOlympic athletes that are like
(27:50):
or bodybuilding women, but thatis the minority.
So, yes, it can be frightening,but also people don't realize.
I hate when people think like,well, if there's no physical
violence, like the cops can't doanything.
But emotional and verbal abuseis very damaging to someone's
mental health and how they goabout their lives and are able
to go to work and function and,um, you know, they're probably
(28:12):
cut off from family and friends.
So what is their life look likeoutside?
This verbally abusiverelationship that is knocking
down their self-confidence?
Um, and it's, it's damaging.
I know I mentioned financialabuse.
That's a big one Controllingthe finances.
This person can't seek help.
Maybe they're a stay-at-homemom and they rely solely on the
husband's income, and he knowsit, you know, and he holds it
(28:32):
over her.
That's upsetting, because whatif someone's saying to their
wife you know, I'm the one thatwork, you don't do anything.
So, no, you don't get money togo to therapy, you know?
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It is a red flag If you are in a traditional
marriage role where let's say,um, he works, you don't, that's
fine.
It is a red flag If he controlsthe money because in a
successful and happy equalmarriage where, even if you
never worked, you always raisethe kids and you agreed to that.
He was like I want you at homeand you're like, girl, I want to
(29:02):
be home, like you know.
But you share the money andboth your names are on that bank
account, both your names are onthe deed to the house, Both
your names are on the cars.
That is a fair, equalpartnership.
If your partner says I don'twant you to work, which is not a
problem, fine.
But also, for ease of bills,I'll take care of the finances.
(29:31):
Don't put, don't even botherputting your name on it, that is
a red flag.
That is controlling behavior.
10 years from now, when thingsare not looking so pretty, you,
on paper, own nothing.
You have the credit score of a15 year old in high school.
Nothing, zilch, zero, nada.
You can't do anything now.
Good luck getting a loan, goodluck moving out.
Please at least open a bankaccount.
You have nothing on paper.
You're now in your 30s or 40sand it's all because that is
financial abuse.
(29:52):
You have been controlled.
You didn't realize.
Maybe you thought, oh my god, Ihave such a great man.
He wants to take care of thefinances.
Taking care of the finances andsharing the finances not the
same yes, I agree, I agree.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Listen, ladies, it is super important to be on
everything the D the bankaccounts, be involved.
If you still are, say you'resomeone that lacks, like me I
definitely lack in financialknowledge.
I know that for a fact andeveryone, I think, in this
family knows that.
But John may take care of it,but he involves me and I see all
(30:27):
the bank statements.
I'm on all the.
I'm on the bank account with meand our kids savings, like
we're both on it.
I am fully involved.
I know when we're.
You know like okay, we need tocurb the spending.
Or oh, this month was a goodmonth, let's go have a good fun
date night.
I definitely know what's inevery account.
And if he were to exclude me,that would be a red flag and you
need to understand that, ladies.
(30:47):
Again, like I said, you couldbe as bad as finances as me, but
you should still knoweverything and be on everything.
Like be in the loop.
In the loop, he could stilltake care of it.
But be like, hey, look at ouraccount this time.
Look at our savings, honey.
Or oh, we really can't do thisvacation this year.
Like look at our bank account,honey, we're getting close there
.
You know we don't have enough,can't swing it this year, but if
you're not in the loop that's abit of a red flag for me.
(31:09):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yes, and just because one person earns more, you
don't get more votes in how youspend your combined money.
It's the same amount of votes.
It doesn't matter if you'vebeen a housewife for 30 years
and you know the person whoworks in corporate New York,
whatever makes the big bucks.
You're in a marriage.
That's a partnership.
Nobody gets more say, nobodygets more votes.
You've agreed early in yourmarriage that one person isn't
(31:31):
going to work or one person willwork part time.
Whatever balance works for you.
Equal votes, equal money.
That's it, oh 100%.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
It does.
I don't know why, but it doesrub me the wrong way when I, you
know, I get women that come inand be like Well, no, you know,
it is his money.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
And I want to be like stop saying that it's not.
It's not because without you hewould need to hire
professionals cook, laundry,daycare.
Without you, he would have noneof that money.
Also, maybe you, taking care ofthe home, allowed him to get an
advanced degree and get abetter job.
He wouldn't be on that payscale if you didn't help him and
raise the kids and wereliterally a maid at home for
free.
Start running up a tab, ladies.
(32:22):
Get the average rate.
Google the average rate forcleaners, laundry, cooks.
Yeah, Go give him a bill.
He won't be able to afford it.
I bet you.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Also, I've done both.
Okay, because when I had bothmy kids, I stayed home for six
months for each child.
I could not wait to get back towork, because you want to know
why?
Being a stay-at-home mom isreally hard.
Okay, emotionally, everythingLike I mean, the only thing I
could say positive about it wasthat I got to be with my kids
and we saved money because theyweren't in daycare at that time,
otherwise I was leaping to goback to work.
(32:52):
Okay, I was like I can't wait,I'm a gazelle.
Here I go, I'm leaping back in.
That's what's funny is, beforeI had kids, I would be.
I didn't understand how hard itwas, so I was like, oh,
maternity leave joke, I can'twait to stay home and do nothing
and make John do everything.
I had kids and I was like John,if you could have given birth
and breastfed, I would haveswitched with you Get me out of
(33:12):
here.
Get me out of here, so stay inasylum.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
I know I love the people.
I was like, oh, like it's sounfair.
Like women get like a majorcareer break every time they
have a kid.
You go to take a because I'm inEngland, so you get to
technically take a year out andI'm like, do you understand?
Like it's a year of not 24-7work, especially if you decide
to breastfeed.
Even if you're pumping, you'rejust like a cow on demand to
your pump, like it is a 24-7commitment raising a baby.
(33:43):
Like at no point are thesewomen like, oh God, year off, oh
, love it.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
We need to change the the, the way people discuss.
That right Like, let's changethe language.
What we should be saying iswe're taking a career change
this next year because it's acareer.
I'm sorry, it's a career,that's so true.
Yeah, that's insane.
We need to start saying that,ladies.
Let's start saying, oh yes, I'mapplying for my career change
and then just whatever amount ofmonths or years that you're
doing, like for six months or ayear, I would like to see if
(34:10):
that got approved, I'll be backafter that.
Yeah, because it's insane andit's very hard.
You get no sick days.
So if you're sick and thebaby's sick, well, oh well, too
bad.
It's seven days a week, notMonday through Friday, no, no,
no, no, no.
Sunday through Sunday Okay, allhours, because they don't sleep
through the night at first.
And, yeah, breastfeeding I'msure Bridget could tell you a
(34:32):
little bit about that when shewould walk into my house and my
nipples were out and I wasgetting milked by the machine.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
I never saw you with your nipples in.
I feel like for those sixmonths.
I think you breastfed both forabout six months, not
exclusively, but yeah, um, andbasically, like I looked at your
nipples more than I looked atyour face, like they were just
always in the pump, I was like,wow, this girl's like attached.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
What it is, ladies and I'm sure other people who
went through this can understandbut before I got pregnant, I
was like very conscious of mybody.
Still am to this day now thatI'm out of that stage.
But when I was breastfeeding Ididn't give a shit If you walked
in and you didn't.
You were unannounced, oractually even if you announced
that you were coming and it wasduring my time that I was
pumping too bad.
You were seeing my nipples.
(35:17):
I didn't care if I look good,sexy, ugly, fat, I didn't care.
You, you were seeing nipplesand you were just gonna have to
deal with it for the 20 minutesevery every what I'm doing,
every two to three hours, Ithink.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Later it got extended before, but I don't care,
you're gonna talk to me and lookdirectly at my nipples.
I think it's.
There's something very freeingabout if you have a child.
Um, your body just becomes likeopen game for, like any doctor,
nurse, midwife, whoever comesinto the room, for those like
for that.
Basically like 20 plus hoursthat you're still in labor and
then immediately postpartum.
So while you're in the hospital, like so many people have seen
(35:56):
you naked that you just kind oflike lose that barrier and
you're just like I don't give ashit.
I like you've seen me likebouncing on a ball with my
vagina out and my tittiesflopping.
Like you're just like whatever.
Like you've probably seen melike crap myself trying to push
a baby out.
Like you just don't care, youlose that.
Like I'm naked, like that goesout the window.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
It really does.
Honestly, I feel like any likeyour annual gyno since, like you
know, you were the right agesomewhere in your you started
going um, yeah, I was likeself-conscious, I'd hide the
underwear under my outfit.
I'd be like, oh you know, Ihope everything's sparkly down
there.
I hope he's like this is thebest vagina he's seen all day
after having kids.
I didn't care.
You know, I show up to myannual now with a hairy cooch.
(36:39):
I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit.
I'm like too bad, I I literallyget up there in the stirrups.
I'm ready.
He's like, oh god, you're ready.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I'm like get in there , doc, let's go I got shit to do
and let me tell you we don'tcare either.
The amount of women you couldtell when they've not had a
child, honestly, like if you'venever been pregnant.
You come in, you're like, oh,I'm so sorry, like I'm not ready
, and I'm like, girl, I see 300of these a day.
Like like your vagina doesn'teven stick with me for 30
(37:07):
seconds, like I write my noteand then it goes right out the
door.
You have no reason to beself-conscious because I see so
many a day bleeding infectious,some healthy, but it doesn't
matter.
Like none of them stick in ourheads.
We see that many a day and theyall kind of generally look, you
know, everyone's like, oh,they're all unique.
Yeah, they are, but actuallythey're all pretty much the same
(37:30):
to me after a while, yeah likemy vagina is so bad that, like
you're like oh that was a badone.
They're all the same they are.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
But even if they are, wouldn't that be the reason to
go to the doctor anyway, so youcould get like antibiotics or
whatever you need like that.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
If it was bad, you would need a doctor anyway to
look at it I know so many peoplethat were self-conscious like,
oh, I'm so sorry, I'm stillbleeding.
I'm like, hop up, let's go.
That's why we cover the table,don't care I know, I know that's
so funny.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
It's funny, I mean, I don't know.
Motherhood just transforms youinto a lady that does not give a
shit.
I don't care do not care, Idon't know how we have strayed
we were talking about domesticviolence and somehow we're
talking about, like, showing theguy in or your cooch, no matter
what.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
I don't know here, ladies, I don't know but
actually you know what I wantedto mention because I know mercy.
You've seen this um.
For any of our listeners outthere, if you haven't already
watched this show on netflix,it's two years old now, so I'm
sure a lot of people have seenit.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
The maid oh, I still have to see that you haven't
seen the maid wait, the onewhere I was supposed.
Yeah, yeah, I was supposed to,and my kids have kind of taken
over my life.
I'm going to.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
It's on the list okay , honestly, merceau, like
tonight, you watch it in twodays, two, three.
It's only six episodes orsomething.
It's a limited series.
For anyone who hasn't seen it,it's about um.
It's Andy McDowell and herdaughter and they both star in
it together.
Um, but it's about a young womanshe's only like 25 who is in a
serious relationship.
They're engaged I don't believethey're married.
(38:56):
They have a child together andthey live in Seattle and he
takes on the full financialresponsibility.
Once she gets pregnant.
He says you know, I want you tostay home and she's like yeah,
okay, whatever, nothing is inher name and it basically just
highlights how difficult it isto leave a situation.
And this girl is tough, okay,like tough as nails.
(39:19):
Yet she ends up going back onceor twice Because she has
nothing in her name as an adultand she's trying to feed a child
, clothe a child, legally sendher child to school, because you
have to by law.
I think by then her child'salready four or five.
Um, when you have nobody tolean on because her mother, um,
unfortunately has bipolardisorder.
(39:40):
So she's not extremelydependable as child care, but
she, when she is there and onher med, she's not extremely
dependable as childcare, butwhen she is there and on her
meds she's great, but sometimesshe goes off on her little
tangents and she's not reallyavailable as a primary caretaker
.
It is an incredible andeye-opening show about how
difficult it is to navigateleaving an abusive situation
(40:01):
when you are completelyfinancially dependent on
somebody else.
You're a young person and it'snot that you could just go off
and go into the streets and belike you know what, I'll just
look after myself.
When you're looking after achild, they legally have to be
in sheltered accommodation, theyhave to be fed, they have to go
to school.
So imagine doing all this whileworking your first job in about
five years, trying to getgovernment assistance, trying to
(40:24):
get into a shelter for women.
It is incredible and it justshows you how many flaws are in
our systems because we do notprovide adequate safety for
women and children at all.
I highly recommend it.
It really made me think twiceabout what we do to provide the
most vulnerable in society.
(40:45):
Yeah, it's called the Maid.
It's on Netflix.
Like I said, I'm sure a lot ofpeople have already seen it.
It was so popular when it cameout two years ago.
Mercy, you need to watch ittonight.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
I'm gonna.
You've sold me.
I mean, I was already sold, butnow you've reminded me.
See, I've got that mom brainproblem.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
It's just if I don't do it right, then and there my
brain just gets rid of it.
It's so beautiful too, because,andy McDowell, you know her
from the 90s curly hair.
When you see her, you'd be like, yeah, big actress, and it's
her actual daughter.
So they do riff off each otherand they have such a like.
At first I was like, wow, theyhave really great chemistry as
mother and daughter.
And then I googled it and I waslike, oh my god, it's her
actual daughter.
They look similar, like youknow, they have the curly, thick
black hair, um.
But it just makes it so muchbetter to actually know that
(41:27):
that chemistry that they have isreal.
It's so good.
I honestly I wish I could watchit again.
I need to forget more of it.
I need to forget more of it soI can re-watch it I can't
believe it's a true story too.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
That's what's crazy, is it so it is.
Yes, that's what I looked at.
Wow, wow, I'm making be secondguess my mom brain, so I'm gonna
google this right now.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
I wouldn't be surprised if it was, because
there's nothing so shocking orscandalous in it.
It actually just feels likereal life for someone who's
trying to protect their child.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Yes, it's a true story, um, of stephanie land.
She's the author of her own.
What happened, and then it wasmade into this movie, oh?
Speaker 2 (42:02):
wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
Wow, yeah, wow, single mom, stephanie land True
story.
Well, that's awesome.
So I and now I'm gonna have towatch it and report back.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Yeah, definitely, it's so good so.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
I feel like we've discussed a really emotional
topic and I do encourage anyonewho's anyone who's been through
it or going through it, you knowseek the help and support you
need.
I can definitely link somehelpline stuff in our Buzzsprout
.
I always say Buzzfeed, ourBuzzsprout page.
Usually I have disclaimers atthe bottom but I could link like
(42:37):
a domestic abuse hotline foryou guys.
But please absolutely seekprofessional help and support.
It's definitely needed and it'snot easy.
As you've seen Bridget said inthe maid and as I've seen in my
own practice people tend to goback that for financial reasons.
Support just basic lifenecessities like food and
(42:58):
everything and shelter.
So with support it makes it alittle bit easier for you to not
have to go back, because wedon't want you doing that in
that kind of environment,especially if there's kids
involved.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Yeah, I also just want to mention a bit of like a
topic that's been in the newslately.
As many of you probably alreadyheard, on June 21st it was
reported that the Supreme Courtupheld a federal law that bars
anyone subject to a domesticviolence restraining order from
possessing a gun.
The vote was eight to one infavor of the law, which is great
(43:27):
, and they found it did notviolate the Constitution's
Second Amendment, and JusticeClarence Thomas was the only
dissenter, which is questionable.
But so, yeah, they upheld thatlaw that if you have a domestic
violence restraining order, youstill cannot legally get a
registered firearm, which iscommon sense to many.
But it's really good that theydid uphold that.
(43:47):
And I'm sure everyone else isbreathing a sigh of relief,
because getting a domesticviolence restraining order means
that a competent judge hasreviewed your case and issued
that restraining order.
It's not easy to just get one,so that's, you know, pretty
serious to actually have one outagainst you.
So, um, yeah, really reallypleased with that, and I'm sure
every you know people everywherefeel a lot safer knowing that
(44:10):
that law was upheld.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
Absolutely.
I'm glad that that was upheld.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Yeah, If I mean if you are, you know, tend to be a
more violent and aggressiveperson against someone you love,
what's stopping you fromescalating that and using a
firearm?
Nothing, really.
So you know you shouldn't havethe legal opportunity to
purchase one just like an ex-con, can't.
You know there are certainthings that, unfortunately, you
(44:37):
lose that right, and this is oneof them.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Well, I'm happy that was upheld.
Good Congrats, yay.
So we?
I know you put our, your faithin us and we suck.
I'm sorry, but we dropped theball.
Um, we were supposed to askjerry the question of the week
and I think, in loss oftranslation, either bridget and
I thought the other one mighthave been taking care of it, so
it then it never got taken careof, um, and then when we did
(45:02):
message her this morning, she'slike um, um, ladies, I'm on a
funeral, so good luck with that.
So that's what she said thisweek Ladies, I'm on a funeral,
good luck with that.
So, but we are going to make itup to you and we now know to
have better communication.
Sorry, just her being a doctorand pregnant and in on a
different time zone versus meand toddlers trying to work from
home and manage employees.
(45:22):
It just it was crazy.
Also not an excuse, but myson's birthday is this week and
last this past weekend was myhusband's.
So planning, you know, gettogethers and everything going
on.
There is a little cray cray.
So forgive us, but in order topay you guys back, next week
we're going to have her answerthe question that would have
been for this week and next week, so you're going to get a two
(45:43):
for one special next week guys.
Speaker 2 (45:45):
Yes, yes, I'm so sorry, and Jerry is keen to
answer the question.
She just literally can't.
She's working and can't be onher phone, so we will give you
the answer from this week andwe'll do next week.
She'll get a two for one oftough love with Jer Bear.
So I'm so sorry.
Just believe in us this onemore time.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
We failed, you please .
Speaker 2 (46:09):
Don't hate us.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
I'm sorry, but you know what.
This serves as a good example.
Again, not an excuse, but we'remothers and juggling, we have
careers.
We're not just stay at homemoms, we're not just podcasters.
We have serious careers andcommitments and families and
events and sometimes, you know,the juggling gets hard and
something drops and we apologize.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
So many events.
Oh my gosh.
Merce and I were just texting afew days ago.
The summer is like I mean, Ilove the summer.
It's my birthday month as well,now that it's July, like it's
my favorite time of the year.
But it is when events pop off,like weddings, showers,
everything.
I have my birthday party.
I'm planning because it's goingto be my 30th.
(46:47):
I have my baby shower.
There's like so many things onmy mind right now in the summer
and I know that sounds likereally lame because it's a it's
a bad excuse, but, like you know, you just get like the rush of
events every summer.
You know who's wedding'swedding who showers I?
have to buy a gift for this, buyan outfit for that, and you're
just like ah, like I'm planningsomebody's bachelorette right
(47:08):
now and I have two weddingscoming up and my birthday, two
baby showers yeah, it's just alot well, if we can give the,
the crowd, anything, I couldtell you exactly what jerry
would say, though, if she waslistening to this.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
when I was your age, I juggled way more like triple
the load, and I was just gettingit all done, so she wouldn't
have failed, you guys.
If this was Jerry's podcast,she would not have failed, you
guys.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
That's so true.
We can ask her what do youthink about us forgetting to ask
you a question?
Speaker 1 (47:41):
She would have been like slackers disappointments.
I'm sorry we failed you.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
We did, we did fail you but we love you, we all, we
love you all, we do also wenoticed that the subscribers
have been going up on youtube.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
We're almost at 500.
We love you guys.
Thank you so much that is huge.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
I know that we're just like these little
podcasters and we do it, yes,like technically in our free
time, but it like these littlepodcasters and we do it, yes,
like technically in our freetime, but it means so much to us
, uh, and we please give us yourfeedback.
Few of you do, and I totallyappreciate it, but give us more
feedback If you can, just if youhave a second a day.
Just let us know what you wantto hear, what you don't want to
hear, anything we can changeplease, please, please.
Speaker 1 (48:31):
We want you to make this your own, absolutely.
Um.
So again, please like,subscribe, especially on youtube
.
Subscribe for us, um atpsychotic py podcast.
Um, and once again, thank youfor always following us along
this journey and listening, andwe love you guys we love you so
much.
Speaker 2 (48:38):
Thank you, have a great weekend take care happy
fourth of july.
Hello and welcome back to our second episode of
season two.
Today we're talking aboutdomestic violence very heavy
topic so if this makes you feeluncomfortable in any way, feel
free to sit this one out.
Likewise, if you want to sharea personal story or speak to a
professional, reach out to us atany time for support.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
All right.
So thank you guys for joiningus.
We're so excited to have youhere.
Even though this is a bit of aheavier topic, we'll still try
to work in some personal storiesand make it a little bit
lighter for everybody.
So firstly I'd like to share astory from one of our listeners.
It's about last week's episode.
She talks about her ownstruggles with infertility at a
very young age and she said Icould share her story.
(00:44):
She said I was lucky that allmy friends and family were
supportive while I was trying toget pregnant.
I was 25 and you should havebeen able to sneeze on me to
impregnate me.
Based on both sides of myfamily, twins are very common on
my maternal side.
The hardest part was whensomeone I love, or even a
patient, would get pregnant andI'd have to bite down hard on
that little tendril of jealousybefore it could take root.
(01:06):
The first time I was with atermination at Planned
Parenthood, I had a moment whereI just wanted to slap her
because I'd had to work so hardto get to 12 weeks this one time
, and then I remembered shewasn't me and took a deep breath
and got the fuck over myself.
No problem after that.
So thank you so much to ourlistener for sharing that
(01:26):
personal anecdote about her owninfertility journey and how it
made her feel while working inhealthcare, especially her
experiences working in PlannedParenthood, where patients are
coming in for terminations.
Meanwhile she was silentlysuffering with her own health.
It can be extremely tough toseparate our personal
experiences from our work.
I can speak to this as well.
So very early in my pregnancy Iwas really nervous about
(01:49):
potentially miscarrying, for noreason other than the fact that
early miscarriages are extremelycommon.
And you know, when you work inhealthcare, like all the stats
are in your head so you just areconstantly like it could be me.
It could be me and I didn'thave my early ultrasound yet.
So I was always just a bitworried, like because without
the ultrasound you actually haveno idea what's going on in
there.
So whenever I worked on theearly pregnancy unit I would
(02:11):
diagnose multiple miscarriages aday and after eight hours it
would really start to weigh onmy mind.
I might go an entire day onlyseeing non-viable pregnancies
and it makes you very nervous.
And now I'm at the point whereI'm seeing patients come in
preterm labor or diagnosed asstillbirths who are just as
pregnant as I am now, and whenyou work in healthcare, you're
(02:34):
constantly exposed to these pooroutcomes.
So your mind can rarely restand I often find myself
wondering, like why them?
This could be me throughout theday.
Like, if you don't work inhealth care, you might have
literally like one story.
If you're like, if you know alot of people um, where you know
someone who had a stillbirth,like most people don't know
(02:56):
someone who personally had astillbirth, but when you work in
health care you see them almostevery, not every day.
That would be really crazy,that would be a busy hospital.
But maybe once or twice a weekyou get a really bad outcome
like that or like a pretermlabor, and so to us it just
feels like it's so commonbecause we're the ones who are
seeing it.
So if you're pregnant, it'svery jarring to constantly be
(03:18):
like she's just as pregnant as Iam and we're cremating her baby
you know like it really, reallyfucks with you mentally.
So, especially for this personwho shared her own story, like
she's worked in PlannedParenthood.
People are obviously coming infor terminations, which is their
right to do so, but for hershe's like I've had to work so
(03:39):
hard just to get pregnant and itcan be really frustrating when
you're in that predicament, but,like she said, she took a deep
breath and is like you knowshe's not me and just got over
it and that's kind of what youhave to do.
You just have to separateyourself from your patients.
So yeah, thank you so much toour listener for sharing that
personal story.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Yes, thank you, and thank you for listening.
That's awesome.
So, yeah, absolutely, it ishard.
Like you said, you're probablynot going to see as many if
you're not in the healthprofession, but I feel like now,
with social media, you see itmore.
For instance, like I've known afew girls that have, but we
either went to high school orcollege together and I didn't
know them personally, butbecause I'm friends with them on
(04:18):
social media and they showedeveryone that horrific journey,
I heard about it and I saw itand it's heartbreaking and I
feel like cause we've touched onsocial media too, you know,
you're seeing more of thingsthan ever before because people
are more willing to share.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah, absolutely.
People are definitely morewilling to share, which can be
great, but also can be bad.
If you're trying to thinkpositively, you know, if you're
trying to think positively andbe like I'm a low risk pregnancy
, I'm a healthy young woman,there's no reason that I should
think something's wrong.
But if you're constantlybarraged by these videos of
(04:55):
people who are having horrificsecond trimester miscarriages or
stillbirths at term, that canreally get in your head and
you'll be like well, it could beme.
Um, so I would say, if you'rekind of like searching for those
trauma stories while you'repregnant or while you're trying
to conceive, you really need tomoderate the amount that you
absorb so that it doesn't becomeyour whole story.
(05:18):
Is is like pregnancy anxiety,because it is uncommon.
At the end of the day, havinglike a term stillbirth is not
common and it usually is asymptom of something more
dangerous that was unfortunatelygoing on during that pregnancy
and we just didn't know it untilthe outcome happened.
So you need to like kind ofseparate yourself from that
(05:40):
negative and horrible journeythat someone did have, because
you can't let that affect yourpregnancy.
Um, and I'd also say like don'tmedicalize yourself like when I
was a little bit earlier inpregnancy, like 20 to 25 weeks,
everyone at work would be like,oh, are you gonna do this?
Are you gonna do this?
Like, are you gonna do theseextra scans?
(06:00):
And I was like no.
And they were like, why not?
Like why wouldn't you want toknow?
And it's like, well, I am a lowrisk, knock on wood pregnancy.
Like I don't want to medicalizemyself and like, find something
that we weren't gonna findbefore.
You know what I mean.
Like if there was no reason tolisten.
If my midwife says you needthis because this doesn't look
right, then 100% I'll do it.
But I'm not gonna request itbecause I'm a doctor and I know
(06:23):
they'll say yes to me because Iwork at the hospital I'm booked
at and like I don't know, liketry to find something wrong on a
scan.
And then now I'm a high riskpregnancy and it's all my fault,
like I didn't need to do this.
So that's my advice as wellLike, unless you're a very, very
anxious person and you need toknow, like trying not to
medicalize it because pregnancy,at the end of the day, is a
(06:46):
completely natural, normalprocess, you don't need doctors,
you don't need you know.
Only if something goes wrong,you do so you should just let it
run its course.
Unless you know you come, youflag as high risk for other
reasons.
I agree.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Well, thank you for sharing your personal story
again, and now we're going todive into the topic of domestic
violence for this week.
So let's start with what isdomestic violence?
It's a pattern of behaviorsused by one partner to maintain
power and control over the otherin an intimate relationship.
It could take many forms,including physical, emotional,
(07:24):
sexual and financial abuse.
This is a widespread issue thatdoes affect people of all
backgrounds, genders and sexualorientations, yet it often goes
underreported and misunderstood.
Domestic violence is not justabout physical violence.
It often includes emotionalmanipulation, isolation from
friends and family, financialcontrol and constant
intimidation.
Victims may feel trapped,ashamed and unable to seek help,
and constant intimidation.
(07:44):
Victims may feel trapped,ashamed and unable to seek help.
Domestic violence isn't justabout physical harm.
It inflicts profoundpsychological wounds.
Victims often experience fear,anxiety, depression and PTSD.
These mental health effects canpersist long after the physical
scars have healed and victimsmay struggle with feelings of
shame, guilt and worthlessness.
They often develophypervigilance and they
(08:05):
constantly anticipate danger inorder to protect themselves,
which can lead to chronic stressand anxiety disorders.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yeah.
So, according to Pathfinder,44% of women this is worldwide
44% of women cannot make theirown decisions about their sexual
and reproductive health abouttheir sexual and reproductive
health, sorry without fear ofviolence or harm.
27% of women and girls aged 15to 49 years report physical and
(08:34):
or sexual violence by theirintimate partner and, lastly,
women who experienced intimatepartner violence were 16% more
likely to suffer miscarriage.
So being abused, whetherphysically, mentally,
psychologically, as Marcia saidis directly correlated to poor
health outcomes.
Marcia just said like affectsyour mental health and, as we
(08:56):
know if you've been on this podjourney with us, your mental
health directly affects yourphysical health.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
In 2021,.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Dubs and Secchi published a systematic review
where they stated, quoteintimate partner violence was
shown to have negative effectson physical health outcomes for
women, including worsening thesymptoms of menopause and
increasing the risk ofdeveloping diabetes, contracting
sexually transmitted infections, engaging in risk-taking
(09:25):
behaviors, including the abuseof drugs and alcohol, and
developing chronic diseases andpain.
It also has significant effectson human immunodeficiency virus
outcomes.
So HIV worsening of your CD4count depletion.
So as HIV progresses, your CD4count goes down.
So as HIV progresses, your CD4count goes down.
So it can actually progressyour HIV disease, because your
(09:49):
immune system will becomeweakened if you're suffering
from intimate partner violence.
So they were able to concludethat quote the result of this
review demonstrates that womenwho have experienced violence
and abuse are at significantlyincreased risk of poor health
outcomes in a variety of areasand so require specialized and
tailored primary care.
(10:11):
This review highlightssignificant gaps in this field
of research, particularly inrelation to cardiovascular
disease, endocrine dysfunctionand neurological symptoms and
conditions.
It demonstrates a need foradditional long-term studies in
this field to better inform thehealthcare of women who've
experienced intimate partnerviolence and to establish the
(10:31):
physiological mediators of theseoutcomes.
So yeah, I mean.
Obviously we know there aremassive gaps in research when it
comes to women's health.
For years decades reallyscientists and large companies
like pharma companies have saidoh, it's because we don't want
(10:51):
to study women, because they'reof reproductive age and we don't
want to be liable if anythinggoes wrong.
In reality, they just painteveryone with a broad brush and
women are completely swept underthe rug and not investigated
properly.
So the true breadth of damagethat intimate partner violence
can cause is not really known.
But what we do know is it canworsen your health outcomes
(11:14):
overall and that's obviouslybecause of the stress you're
undergoing, as Marissa willtouch on and it can cause PTSD,
anxiety, depression.
If you're suffering from all ofthese mental health conditions,
how can you properly look afteryourself physically?
You can't.
So intimate partner violence isa really important topic,
especially because it's verypervasive, even in the modern
(11:38):
world.
A lot of people think it's, oh,it's really only bad in certain
countries where they don'trespect women.
That's not true and we knowthat's not true Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
So how does domestic violence contribute to PTSD and
trauma?
Let's discuss that a bit.
So, the unpredictable nature ofabuse, coupled with feelings of
helplessness, can trigger PTSDsymptoms such as flashbacks,
nightmares and emotional numbing.
These symptoms can impair dailyfunctioning and quality of life
, as Brigitte has just kind ofmentioned and shown in the study
.
So long-term, there areconsequences for these victims
(12:11):
on their mental health andsurvivors may struggle with
trust issues, difficulty formingnew relationships, challenges
in managing emotions, and theseeffects can persist even after
leaving the abusive relationship.
And then they have to deal withthe fear of retaliation,
financial dependence andsocietal stigma, and this can
deter victims from seekingsupport, and we do see that a
lot.
Like I said earlier, it goesunderreported often and
(12:35):
additionally, abusers oftenmanipulate and isolate their
partners, making it hard toaccess resources.
They're known to cut them offfrom family and friends, and
this is on purpose.
This is to make it harder forthem to leave and also easier
for them to just go back andcontinue that cycle of abuse,
because without support, how canyou get out?
How can you get help?
It does feel very helpless, youknow so I understand that.
(12:56):
So it's important asprofessionals and even friends
and family, to create safespaces for the survivors to
share their experiences withoutjudgment, which is extremely
crucial, and all mental healthprofessionals can provide
trauma-informed care which helpssurvivors rebuild their sense
of safety and self-worth, whichis a big thing that we work on
when you're trying to helpsomeone leave this relationship,
(13:18):
because not only do they needthe support and resources, but
it really has to do with theirown self-worth confidence.
All of that Because throughoutthe whole relationship, the
abusive partner has diminishedit and chipped away at it little
by little by little, and theyreally do feel unworthy, like I
hear a lot in my practice.
Do I deserve better?
I've even heard one woman say Ideserve this.
(13:40):
He did this because I did that,so I deserve this.
This is my fault and these arethings we have to work through.
We have to work through thesesentences and these negative
core beliefs that they formed inthis relationship and we have
to help them get back on theright path and see that this is
not okay.
It is never okay.
So that's just some things Iwork with often when it involves
(14:03):
domestic violence.
Another thing I wanted to touchon and I don't know if you saw,
bridget, but five days ago, uslawmakers in Louisiana, oklahoma
and Nebraska and Texas arediscussing eliminating and
restricting no-fault divorce.
A quote from the Direct articleis they feel that divorce laws
(14:24):
deprive, deprive people, mostlymen, of due process and hurt
families.
They're trying to make itharder.
Now, right, there needs to befault, but I feel like this hits
upon the domestic violenceissue, because now it makes it
harder for these people who arebeing abused to leave.
Now they're stuck with thatperson and I feel like no fault.
(14:45):
Divorce is helpful and I don'tknow why you would want to
eliminate it.
So, um, but I guess you knowthe really right wing Christians
believe like that's wrong inthe eyes of God.
But again, as you and Idiscussed, bridget, not everyone
in this country is thatreligion.
Not everyone's Christian, noteveryone's Catholic.
We're a melting pot.
(15:06):
We have so many differentreligions.
And also I do think it's a bitof government overreach, because
you and your partner decidewhat's best for you or you just
because maybe you're in anabusive relationship and you
need an out.
Nobody, especially thegovernment, should be deciding
what kind of divorce you get andif you should be allowed to
have it completely.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
You know this is actually something we discuss
here.
Okay, so I live in england forthose of you who are new in
season two.
So in england, to get a divorceyou have to.
It can be no fault, I'm sure,but you have to wait a minimum
of six months.
And I argue this with myin-laws all the time because I'm
like a your country takes waytoo long to get shit done.
I'm sorry, but like this is ajoke.
(15:47):
It's basically just puttingmore money in the lawyer's
pockets.
And B, if you are fleeing asituation for your safety, I'm
sorry, I'm not waiting sixmonths, I need a divorce and I
need it now.
And their whole argument islike well, it is the end of a
marriage.
Well, it is the end of amarriage, like it shouldn't be
that you could just like call upyour like 1-800 lawyer that
like advertises on the subwayand get a quickie divorce for
(16:10):
$350.
And I'm like no, I understandthat it is the end of a marriage
.
It deserves its due process andit deserves its day in court.
But in those situations where Iam fleeing for mine or my
child's safety, I'm sorry.
I'm six.
Child's safety, I'm sorry.
Six months is ridiculous andI'm not waiting that long.
You best believe I'd be longout of there way before then.
(16:31):
I don't give an F what you sayand that is I always assumed.
I don't actually know how theorigin of like US divorce law
changed wildly in the 50s andthe 60s.
It with like california and newyork and like where a lot of
celebs did live and they weregetting divorced more rapid fire
.
Um, and I think people are justlike, oh, that's just because
(16:51):
like the glamour of the day,like they wanted quick divorces.
But I always actually assumedit's because those, if you run
with those circles, there's alot of drinking and drugs and
there's a lot of abuse.
Like hollywood was full ofabusers back in that time and I
genuinely think that like thosestates were looking out for men
or women because obviouslyanyone can be abused and we're
(17:13):
just kind of like yeah, like ifyou need to get out, you can get
out quickly, and states thatdon't allow you to do that.
It's just like I'm sorry, what?
Like who are you to decide howquickly I can leave this
potentially dangerous marriage?
Speaker 1 (17:25):
yeah, I really think that's crazy, because each
marriage is different and forthem to halt you and keep you
for six extra months is isthat's insane.
Probably does feel hopeless,like some of these victims are
reporting.
You know you feel stuck andyeah, absolutely I.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I do know someone, like casually, she's an
acquaintance um in England whois still undergoing her divorce.
It has been a year now and atfirst when I met her I was
asking like my in-laws.
I was like why is she still mad?
Like she's in a newrelationship, lives on her own,
has completely moved on and Iwas like why are they like not
signing the papers?
Like that's bizarre.
And they were like no, bridget,like that's how long it takes
(18:03):
in England.
And I was like why are theylike not signing the papers?
Like that's bizarre.
And they were like no, bridget,like that's how long it takes
in England.
And I was like this is a joke.
They have no children.
They didn't own a home together.
Like she owned her own homeseparately.
It was gifted from her parents,so it's completely in her name,
gift from the parents.
I don't know his situation, butlike he moved into one of her
homes like never had kids,didn't share property.
(18:26):
So like what is the hangup?
I was like sign the papers andgo it.
Just lines lawyers, pocketsmore, really, cause you're
dragging it out for a year now.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Yeah, um, I had a client years ago.
It was a couple and I couldtell that there were signs of
verbal abuse.
So I was trying to meet withthem separately because I was
trying to tell the, the femaleclient, like here's some
resources you have to get out.
And she did, but he would stalkher.
(18:58):
So, like they were wealthyenough, where, like, they had
their immediate home and thenthey had like a nice condo up
north of in New Jersey, sothat's where she was going to
live, and she was like this is aseparation, it is going to be a
divorce eventually, but justlike, leave me alone, let's like
live our separate lives.
Um, and he would just stalk thecondo and he said, like we're
(19:19):
not allowed to get divorced,divorce isn't an option and it
was.
It was crazy, um, but this is.
This is why I hate, like thefact that people are trying to
change like the no fault divorceand everything, and make
divorces harder or more drawnout.
Because why, like it?
In situations like this, you'remaking it so easy for them to
get hurt.
The victims could getphysically hurt because the
(19:41):
violence escalates.
It could be verbal at first,but if they're not getting their
way, it's escalating andescalating and escalating.
Next thing, you know it's amurder, you know what I mean.
Or just something so severethat like they're disabled
because you know they tried tokill them but it didn't work.
They survived, but they'redisabled now.
Or I saw, I saw somethinghorrific when I was watching the
ID channel once where he litthis girl on fire and she did
(20:03):
survive miraculously, but herburns were so bad that, like a
couple of months later she diedin the hospital.
But she was, she was like noteven the same person.
The burns were so extensive andI couldn't believe that, like
the fact that you're allowed toburn someone because you're that
angry that you don't havecontrol over a human being, like
there's, that's, that's sick,that's so sick, seriously.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yeah, and I'm sure you can speak to this Mercer,
controlling behavior onlyprogresses.
And yes, you might say, oh no,not my partner Like it, stopped
at this.
Yeah, but that was aprogression, because he didn't
do that to you before.
And yes, thank God, I'mhonestly, I'm so happy that
maybe it stopped with reallyvile language and he never
(20:45):
physically abused you.
But that was a progression fromno abuse to calling you the C
word.
That's progression.
And some men or women that willprogress to physical and
psychological violence as well.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
Absolutely Honestly, in all the cases I've seen,
whether in my personal life oron the ID channel, which I love,
it's always gotten worse.
I've never seen it in mypersonal life.
Or on the ID channel, which Ilove, it's always gotten worse.
I've never seen it just staythe same or get better, never.
And also, what I noticed whichis annoying is that, um and I'm
not knocking the police, I loveyou have a lot of cop friends, I
love that you keep us safe, butI do think the laws need to
change because the police arestunted in their ability to help
(21:20):
and you could see that likewhere they'll come out for a
domestic abuse call, they'll belike well that you know that, he
said.
She said it's just a threatuntil real something really
happens.
You can't get the restrainingorder or we can't help you.
And that's upsetting becausewhat they are saying again, not
the police fault, it's thelawmakers fault.
What they're saying is until he, until he pretty much tries to
(21:40):
kill you and probably succeeds,there's nothing we can do.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
So and that's scary, I'm sorry, I actually.
Yeah, that's perfect segue.
So the law does not look outfor survivors of domestic abuse,
it just doesn't.
When violence happens withinthe home, there's little proof
or evidence, obviously, likethey both live in that home,
their DNA is everywhere, likethey didn't have to break in,
you know.
So survivors have to presscharges.
(22:05):
So you have been pressingcharges against, potentially,
the father or mother of your ownchild and you have to continue
down a painful, arduous route topursue just a sliver of justice
, maybe.
So, of course, this places thatperson and their children in
the danger zone and itoverexposes them.
So many people opt out toprotect their loved ones because
why wouldn't you, why would youput your own child at risk and
(22:28):
expose yourselves like that?
Um, and just because theoutcome might still be breaking
even.
Really.
So, domestic violence.
We have like a massive gap inour laws.
There I completely agree withyou.
There's just like there isalmost like there's no route to
take until there's years ofcontinued abuse and if you go
(22:49):
and go to the hospital everytime, document photos,
eventually get a restrainingorder, which is not as easy as
you think, and then, yeah,hopefully it a decade from now,
there's enough a mountain ofevidence for someone to do
something, otherwise mercy.
You're exactly right.
It's when that person'smurdered, then they go.
Oh, look at that, she actuallyfiled a restraining order six
(23:12):
months ago.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Must be her partner who did this and it's like, well
, it's too late I agree it's sadhonestly, because there's a lot
of people that um are losingfamily members and friends to
this when it could have been.
It could have been prevented.
You know they they let the cops, they they tried to file the
restraining order, whether theygot it or not, and it's just
wasn't enough.
You know they were like nope,it has to escalate a little bit
(23:34):
more.
And it's just scary becausesome of these people have kids.
You know like it's we're notjust talking about like two
partners in this.
Sometimes there's family kidsinvolved.
I've seen horrible things wherethey've tried to hurt the pets
and it's scary and I feel likethe cops should be able to do
something about it.
(23:58):
There should be some kind of lawthat is put in place to protect
people earlier, especially whenhow come some of these men or
women it is usually maledominated, though the
perpetrators that they'll.
The cops will ring up therecord and it's got there's so
much on the record so much, butbecause they're not actively
doing something, in this currentcase, it's like, well, I don't
know about that, and for me it'slike mental health
(24:20):
professionals are trained totrack patterns and that's how we
can predict future behaviors,and it's like this is a pattern.
This is a pattern.
This is getting worse.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
I think cops are often like that's beyond their
job role.
So they don't want to drawthose conclusions because,
ultimately, the people who areresponding to domestic violence,
like they're just uniformofficers you know what I mean
Like so they're like whoa,that's.
You know, I'm not seeing acrime now Like, yeah, someone
might have a bruise, but theyboth live here, both their names
(24:50):
on the deed, they both haveevery right to be in this home
and no one's fessing up.
So, you know, pursuing more iskind of beyond their scope and
they're like yeah, I don't wantto be responsible for this, but
someone needs to be yeah,absolutely it's scary, you know,
it really is scary and thereneeds to be more in place to
(25:12):
protect the victims.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Absolutely.
Even programs too.
I feel like I can't speak forother states, but in New Jersey
we do have a good amount, but Ifeel like we could have more, to
be honest, definitely more, andalso maybe programs that are
directly for males right, causethat's kind of like the ones
that are almost sometimesembarrassed to come forward and
they are the minority victimsand maybe they can have just an
(25:36):
all male group so they don'tfeel so uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Yeah, I know there definitely are male charities
out there I can't name themoffhand, but there definitely
are for men who are victims ofintimate partner violence.
I think obviously the majorityis male dominated as perpetrator
, like you said, but also thereis the threat of men obviously
(25:59):
commit more violent crimes, sothey're more likely to take it a
bit further.
It's just based on statistics.
Also, men on average are tallerand way more, so there is
always that threat and we needto protect the smaller partner
in the relationship.
Just because you like yourpartner, your male partner,
(26:20):
maybe in like a heteronormativerelationship, maybe he is just
yelling and getting vile and hehasn't actually touched you yet,
but he's maybe a foot tallerthan you, so you're already
physically threatened, whereaswhen it's the opposite way
around, for a male to feelphysically threatened, like the
woman already had to, you know,do something physical, because
(26:41):
men don't walk around justafraid of women.
We're smaller and we tend toweigh less.
The threat of me attacking youis way less than the opposite
way around, and I think thatthat's also what people don't
understand.
You could feel physicallythreatened when the person has
not even touched you yet becausethe way they're towering over
you, you know they weigh morethan you.
You know that with one handthey can hold both of yours down
(27:04):
quite easily.
Anyone who's in a relationshiplike you know this.
Like, not in any sexual way,but like, if you're in a
relationship, you're always like, oh, like, let me see how
strong I am.
Like you know you're curiousand you're like could I actually
fight off a man?
No, straight up, and I go tothe gym.
I would say I'm slightlystronger than, like, the average
woman.
My height and weight, no, no,no, literally ted one hand down
(27:28):
don't even play me.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I had, I had you in denmark.
Okay, let's talk about sisterviolence, just kidding yeah, um
um, but no, yeah, no, men are.
It's just.
Again, we are just talkingabout the general.
It's not everybody.
I mean.
I know there's some likeOlympic athletes that are like
(27:50):
or bodybuilding women, but thatis the minority.
So, yes, it can be frightening,but also people don't realize.
I hate when people think like,well, if there's no physical
violence, like the cops can't doanything.
But emotional and verbal abuseis very damaging to someone's
mental health and how they goabout their lives and are able
to go to work and function and,um, you know, they're probably
(28:12):
cut off from family and friends.
So what is their life look likeoutside?
This verbally abusiverelationship that is knocking
down their self-confidence?
Um, and it's, it's damaging.
I know I mentioned financialabuse.
That's a big one Controllingthe finances.
This person can't seek help.
Maybe they're a stay-at-homemom and they rely solely on the
husband's income, and he knowsit, you know, and he holds it
(28:32):
over her.
That's upsetting, because whatif someone's saying to their
wife you know, I'm the one thatwork, you don't do anything.
So, no, you don't get money togo to therapy, you know?
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It is a red flag If you are in a traditional
marriage role where let's say,um, he works, you don't, that's
fine.
It is a red flag If he controlsthe money because in a
successful and happy equalmarriage where, even if you
never worked, you always raisethe kids and you agreed to that.
He was like I want you at homeand you're like, girl, I want to
(29:02):
be home, like you know.
But you share the money andboth your names are on that bank
account, both your names are onthe deed to the house, Both
your names are on the cars.
That is a fair, equalpartnership.
If your partner says I don'twant you to work, which is not a
problem, fine.
But also, for ease of bills,I'll take care of the finances.
(29:31):
Don't put, don't even botherputting your name on it, that is
a red flag.
That is controlling behavior.
10 years from now, when thingsare not looking so pretty, you,
on paper, own nothing.
You have the credit score of a15 year old in high school.
Nothing, zilch, zero, nada.
You can't do anything now.
Good luck getting a loan, goodluck moving out.
Please at least open a bankaccount.
You have nothing on paper.
You're now in your 30s or 40sand it's all because that is
financial abuse.
(29:52):
You have been controlled.
You didn't realize.
Maybe you thought, oh my god, Ihave such a great man.
He wants to take care of thefinances.
Taking care of the finances andsharing the finances not the
same yes, I agree, I agree.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Listen, ladies, it is super important to be on
everything the D the bankaccounts, be involved.
If you still are, say you'resomeone that lacks, like me I
definitely lack in financialknowledge.
I know that for a fact andeveryone, I think, in this
family knows that.
But John may take care of it,but he involves me and I see all
(30:27):
the bank statements.
I'm on all the.
I'm on the bank account with meand our kids savings, like
we're both on it.
I am fully involved.
I know when we're.
You know like okay, we need tocurb the spending.
Or oh, this month was a goodmonth, let's go have a good fun
date night.
I definitely know what's inevery account.
And if he were to exclude me,that would be a red flag and you
need to understand that, ladies.
(30:47):
Again, like I said, you couldbe as bad as finances as me, but
you should still knoweverything and be on everything.
Like be in the loop.
In the loop, he could stilltake care of it.
But be like, hey, look at ouraccount this time.
Look at our savings, honey.
Or oh, we really can't do thisvacation this year.
Like look at our bank account,honey, we're getting close there
.
You know we don't have enough,can't swing it this year, but if
you're not in the loop that's abit of a red flag for me.
(31:09):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yes, and just because one person earns more, you
don't get more votes in how youspend your combined money.
It's the same amount of votes.
It doesn't matter if you'vebeen a housewife for 30 years
and you know the person whoworks in corporate New York,
whatever makes the big bucks.
You're in a marriage.
That's a partnership.
Nobody gets more say, nobodygets more votes.
You've agreed early in yourmarriage that one person isn't
(31:31):
going to work or one person willwork part time.
Whatever balance works for you.
Equal votes, equal money.
That's it, oh 100%.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
It does.
I don't know why, but it doesrub me the wrong way when I, you
know, I get women that come inand be like Well, no, you know,
it is his money.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
And I want to be like stop saying that it's not.
It's not because without you hewould need to hire
professionals cook, laundry,daycare.
Without you, he would have noneof that money.
Also, maybe you, taking care ofthe home, allowed him to get an
advanced degree and get abetter job.
He wouldn't be on that payscale if you didn't help him and
raise the kids and wereliterally a maid at home for
free.
Start running up a tab, ladies.
(32:22):
Get the average rate.
Google the average rate forcleaners, laundry, cooks.
Yeah, Go give him a bill.
He won't be able to afford it.
I bet you.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Also, I've done both.
Okay, because when I had bothmy kids, I stayed home for six
months for each child.
I could not wait to get back towork, because you want to know
why?
Being a stay-at-home mom isreally hard.
Okay, emotionally, everythingLike I mean, the only thing I
could say positive about it wasthat I got to be with my kids
and we saved money because theyweren't in daycare at that time,
otherwise I was leaping to goback to work.
(32:52):
Okay, I was like I can't wait,I'm a gazelle.
Here I go, I'm leaping back in.
That's what's funny is, beforeI had kids, I would be.
I didn't understand how hard itwas, so I was like, oh,
maternity leave joke, I can'twait to stay home and do nothing
and make John do everything.
I had kids and I was like John,if you could have given birth
and breastfed, I would haveswitched with you Get me out of
(33:12):
here.
Get me out of here, so stay inasylum.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
I know I love the people.
I was like, oh, like it's sounfair.
Like women get like a majorcareer break every time they
have a kid.
You go to take a because I'm inEngland, so you get to
technically take a year out andI'm like, do you understand?
Like it's a year of not 24-7work, especially if you decide
to breastfeed.
Even if you're pumping, you'rejust like a cow on demand to
your pump, like it is a 24-7commitment raising a baby.
(33:43):
Like at no point are thesewomen like, oh God, year off, oh
, love it.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
We need to change the the, the way people discuss.
That right Like, let's changethe language.
What we should be saying iswe're taking a career change
this next year because it's acareer.
I'm sorry, it's a career,that's so true.
Yeah, that's insane.
We need to start saying that,ladies.
Let's start saying, oh yes, I'mapplying for my career change
and then just whatever amount ofmonths or years that you're
doing, like for six months or ayear, I would like to see if
(34:10):
that got approved, I'll be backafter that.
Yeah, because it's insane andit's very hard.
You get no sick days.
So if you're sick and thebaby's sick, well, oh well, too
bad.
It's seven days a week, notMonday through Friday, no, no,
no, no, no.
Sunday through Sunday Okay, allhours, because they don't sleep
through the night at first.
And, yeah, breastfeeding I'msure Bridget could tell you a
(34:32):
little bit about that when shewould walk into my house and my
nipples were out and I wasgetting milked by the machine.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
I never saw you with your nipples in.
I feel like for those sixmonths.
I think you breastfed both forabout six months, not
exclusively, but yeah, um, andbasically, like I looked at your
nipples more than I looked atyour face, like they were just
always in the pump, I was like,wow, this girl's like attached.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
What it is, ladies and I'm sure other people who
went through this can understandbut before I got pregnant, I
was like very conscious of mybody.
Still am to this day now thatI'm out of that stage.
But when I was breastfeeding Ididn't give a shit If you walked
in and you didn't.
You were unannounced, oractually even if you announced
that you were coming and it wasduring my time that I was
pumping too bad.
You were seeing my nipples.
(35:17):
I didn't care if I look good,sexy, ugly, fat, I didn't care.
You, you were seeing nipplesand you were just gonna have to
deal with it for the 20 minutesevery every what I'm doing,
every two to three hours, Ithink.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Later it got extended before, but I don't care,
you're gonna talk to me and lookdirectly at my nipples.
I think it's.
There's something very freeingabout if you have a child.
Um, your body just becomes likeopen game for, like any doctor,
nurse, midwife, whoever comesinto the room, for those like
for that.
Basically like 20 plus hoursthat you're still in labor and
then immediately postpartum.
So while you're in the hospital, like so many people have seen
(35:56):
you naked that you just kind oflike lose that barrier and
you're just like I don't give ashit.
I like you've seen me likebouncing on a ball with my
vagina out and my tittiesflopping.
Like you're just like whatever.
Like you've probably seen melike crap myself trying to push
a baby out.
Like you just don't care, youlose that.
Like I'm naked, like that goesout the window.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
It really does.
Honestly, I feel like any likeyour annual gyno since, like you
know, you were the right agesomewhere in your you started
going um, yeah, I was likeself-conscious, I'd hide the
underwear under my outfit.
I'd be like, oh you know, Ihope everything's sparkly down
there.
I hope he's like this is thebest vagina he's seen all day
after having kids.
I didn't care.
You know, I show up to myannual now with a hairy cooch.
(36:39):
I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit.
I'm like too bad, I I literallyget up there in the stirrups.
I'm ready.
He's like, oh god, you're ready.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I'm like get in there , doc, let's go I got shit to do
and let me tell you we don'tcare either.
The amount of women you couldtell when they've not had a
child, honestly, like if you'venever been pregnant.
You come in, you're like, oh,I'm so sorry, like I'm not ready
, and I'm like, girl, I see 300of these a day.
Like like your vagina doesn'teven stick with me for 30
(37:07):
seconds, like I write my noteand then it goes right out the
door.
You have no reason to beself-conscious because I see so
many a day bleeding infectious,some healthy, but it doesn't
matter.
Like none of them stick in ourheads.
We see that many a day and theyall kind of generally look, you
know, everyone's like, oh,they're all unique.
Yeah, they are, but actuallythey're all pretty much the same
(37:30):
to me after a while, yeah likemy vagina is so bad that, like
you're like oh that was a badone.
They're all the same they are.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
But even if they are, wouldn't that be the reason to
go to the doctor anyway, so youcould get like antibiotics or
whatever you need like that.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
If it was bad, you would need a doctor anyway to
look at it I know so many peoplethat were self-conscious like,
oh, I'm so sorry, I'm stillbleeding.
I'm like, hop up, let's go.
That's why we cover the table,don't care I know, I know that's
so funny.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
It's funny, I mean, I don't know.
Motherhood just transforms youinto a lady that does not give a
shit.
I don't care do not care, Idon't know how we have strayed
we were talking about domesticviolence and somehow we're
talking about, like, showing theguy in or your cooch, no matter
what.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
I don't know here, ladies, I don't know but
actually you know what I wantedto mention because I know mercy.
You've seen this um.
For any of our listeners outthere, if you haven't already
watched this show on netflix,it's two years old now, so I'm
sure a lot of people have seenit.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
The maid oh, I still have to see that you haven't
seen the maid wait, the onewhere I was supposed.
Yeah, yeah, I was supposed to,and my kids have kind of taken
over my life.
I'm going to.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
It's on the list okay , honestly, merceau, like
tonight, you watch it in twodays, two, three.
It's only six episodes orsomething.
It's a limited series.
For anyone who hasn't seen it,it's about um.
It's Andy McDowell and herdaughter and they both star in
it together.
Um, but it's about a young womanshe's only like 25 who is in a
serious relationship.
They're engaged I don't believethey're married.
(38:56):
They have a child together andthey live in Seattle and he
takes on the full financialresponsibility.
Once she gets pregnant.
He says you know, I want you tostay home and she's like yeah,
okay, whatever, nothing is inher name and it basically just
highlights how difficult it isto leave a situation.
And this girl is tough, okay,like tough as nails.
(39:19):
Yet she ends up going back onceor twice Because she has
nothing in her name as an adultand she's trying to feed a child
, clothe a child, legally sendher child to school, because you
have to by law.
I think by then her child'salready four or five.
Um, when you have nobody tolean on because her mother, um,
unfortunately has bipolardisorder.
(39:40):
So she's not extremelydependable as child care, but
she, when she is there and onher med, she's not extremely
dependable as childcare, butwhen she is there and on her
meds she's great, but sometimesshe goes off on her little
tangents and she's not reallyavailable as a primary caretaker
.
It is an incredible andeye-opening show about how
difficult it is to navigateleaving an abusive situation
(40:01):
when you are completelyfinancially dependent on
somebody else.
You're a young person and it'snot that you could just go off
and go into the streets and belike you know what, I'll just
look after myself.
When you're looking after achild, they legally have to be
in sheltered accommodation, theyhave to be fed, they have to go
to school.
So imagine doing all this whileworking your first job in about
five years, trying to getgovernment assistance, trying to
(40:24):
get into a shelter for women.
It is incredible and it justshows you how many flaws are in
our systems because we do notprovide adequate safety for
women and children at all.
I highly recommend it.
It really made me think twiceabout what we do to provide the
most vulnerable in society.
(40:45):
Yeah, it's called the Maid.
It's on Netflix.
Like I said, I'm sure a lot ofpeople have already seen it.
It was so popular when it cameout two years ago.
Mercy, you need to watch ittonight.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
I'm gonna.
You've sold me.
I mean, I was already sold, butnow you've reminded me.
See, I've got that mom brainproblem.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
It's just if I don't do it right, then and there my
brain just gets rid of it.
It's so beautiful too, because,andy McDowell, you know her
from the 90s curly hair.
When you see her, you'd be like, yeah, big actress, and it's
her actual daughter.
So they do riff off each otherand they have such a like.
At first I was like, wow, theyhave really great chemistry as
mother and daughter.
And then I googled it and I waslike, oh my god, it's her
actual daughter.
They look similar, like youknow, they have the curly, thick
black hair, um.
But it just makes it so muchbetter to actually know that
(41:27):
that chemistry that they have isreal.
It's so good.
I honestly I wish I could watchit again.
I need to forget more of it.
I need to forget more of it soI can re-watch it I can't
believe it's a true story too.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
That's what's crazy, is it so it is.
Yes, that's what I looked at.
Wow, wow, I'm making be secondguess my mom brain, so I'm gonna
google this right now.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
I wouldn't be surprised if it was, because
there's nothing so shocking orscandalous in it.
It actually just feels likereal life for someone who's
trying to protect their child.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Yes, it's a true story, um, of stephanie land.
She's the author of her own.
What happened, and then it wasmade into this movie, oh?
Speaker 2 (42:02):
wow, wow.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
Wow, yeah, wow, single mom, stephanie land True
story.
Well, that's awesome.
So I and now I'm gonna have towatch it and report back.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
Yeah, definitely, it's so good so.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
I feel like we've discussed a really emotional
topic and I do encourage anyonewho's anyone who's been through
it or going through it, you knowseek the help and support you
need.
I can definitely link somehelpline stuff in our Buzzsprout
.
I always say Buzzfeed, ourBuzzsprout page.
Usually I have disclaimers atthe bottom but I could link like
(42:37):
a domestic abuse hotline foryou guys.
But please absolutely seekprofessional help and support.
It's definitely needed and it'snot easy.
As you've seen Bridget said inthe maid and as I've seen in my
own practice people tend to goback that for financial reasons.
Support just basic lifenecessities like food and
(42:58):
everything and shelter.
So with support it makes it alittle bit easier for you to not
have to go back, because wedon't want you doing that in
that kind of environment,especially if there's kids
involved.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Yeah, I also just want to mention a bit of like a
topic that's been in the newslately.
As many of you probably alreadyheard, on June 21st it was
reported that the Supreme Courtupheld a federal law that bars
anyone subject to a domesticviolence restraining order from
possessing a gun.
The vote was eight to one infavor of the law, which is great
(43:27):
, and they found it did notviolate the Constitution's
Second Amendment, and JusticeClarence Thomas was the only
dissenter, which is questionable.
But so, yeah, they upheld thatlaw that if you have a domestic
violence restraining order, youstill cannot legally get a
registered firearm, which iscommon sense to many.
But it's really good that theydid uphold that.
(43:47):
And I'm sure everyone else isbreathing a sigh of relief,
because getting a domesticviolence restraining order means
that a competent judge hasreviewed your case and issued
that restraining order.
It's not easy to just get one,so that's, you know, pretty
serious to actually have one outagainst you.
So, um, yeah, really reallypleased with that, and I'm sure
every you know people everywherefeel a lot safer knowing that
(44:10):
that law was upheld.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
Absolutely.
I'm glad that that was upheld.
Speaker 2 (44:14):
Yeah, If I mean if you are, you know, tend to be a
more violent and aggressiveperson against someone you love,
what's stopping you fromescalating that and using a
firearm?
Nothing, really.
So you know you shouldn't havethe legal opportunity to
purchase one just like an ex-con, can't.
You know there are certainthings that, unfortunately, you
(44:37):
lose that right, and this is oneof them.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Well, I'm happy that was upheld.
Good Congrats, yay.
So we?
I know you put our, your faithin us and we suck.
I'm sorry, but we dropped theball.
Um, we were supposed to askjerry the question of the week
and I think, in loss oftranslation, either bridget and
I thought the other one mighthave been taking care of it, so
it then it never got taken careof, um, and then when we did
(45:02):
message her this morning, she'slike um, um, ladies, I'm on a
funeral, so good luck with that.
So that's what she said thisweek Ladies, I'm on a funeral,
good luck with that.
So, but we are going to make itup to you and we now know to
have better communication.
Sorry, just her being a doctorand pregnant and in on a
different time zone versus meand toddlers trying to work from
home and manage employees.
(45:22):
It just it was crazy.
Also not an excuse, but myson's birthday is this week and
last this past weekend was myhusband's.
So planning, you know, gettogethers and everything going
on.
There is a little cray cray.
So forgive us, but in order topay you guys back, next week
we're going to have her answerthe question that would have
been for this week and next week, so you're going to get a two
(45:43):
for one special next week guys.
Speaker 2 (45:45):
Yes, yes, I'm so sorry, and Jerry is keen to
answer the question.
She just literally can't.
She's working and can't be onher phone, so we will give you
the answer from this week andwe'll do next week.
She'll get a two for one oftough love with Jer Bear.
So I'm so sorry.
Just believe in us this onemore time.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
We failed, you please .
Speaker 2 (46:09):
Don't hate us.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
I'm sorry, but you know what.
This serves as a good example.
Again, not an excuse, but we'remothers and juggling, we have
careers.
We're not just stay at homemoms, we're not just podcasters.
We have serious careers andcommitments and families and
events and sometimes, you know,the juggling gets hard and
something drops and we apologize.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
So many events.
Oh my gosh.
Merce and I were just texting afew days ago.
The summer is like I mean, Ilove the summer.
It's my birthday month as well,now that it's July, like it's
my favorite time of the year.
But it is when events pop off,like weddings, showers,
everything.
I have my birthday party.
I'm planning because it's goingto be my 30th.
(46:47):
I have my baby shower.
There's like so many things onmy mind right now in the summer
and I know that sounds likereally lame because it's a it's
a bad excuse, but, like you know, you just get like the rush of
events every summer.
You know who's wedding'swedding who showers I?
have to buy a gift for this, buyan outfit for that, and you're
just like ah, like I'm planningsomebody's bachelorette right
(47:08):
now and I have two weddingscoming up and my birthday, two
baby showers yeah, it's just alot well, if we can give the,
the crowd, anything, I couldtell you exactly what jerry
would say, though, if she waslistening to this.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
when I was your age, I juggled way more like triple
the load, and I was just gettingit all done, so she wouldn't
have failed, you guys.
If this was Jerry's podcast,she would not have failed, you
guys.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
That's so true.
We can ask her what do youthink about us forgetting to ask
you a question?
Speaker 1 (47:41):
She would have been like slackers disappointments.
I'm sorry we failed you.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
We did, we did fail you but we love you, we all, we
love you all, we do also wenoticed that the subscribers
have been going up on youtube.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
We're almost at 500.
We love you guys.
Thank you so much that is huge.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
I know that we're just like these little
podcasters and we do it, yes,like technically in our free
time, but it like these littlepodcasters and we do it, yes,
like technically in our freetime, but it means so much to us
, uh, and we please give us yourfeedback.
Few of you do, and I totallyappreciate it, but give us more
feedback If you can, just if youhave a second a day.
Just let us know what you wantto hear, what you don't want to
hear, anything we can changeplease, please, please.
Speaker 1 (48:31):
We want you to make this your own, absolutely.
Um.
So again, please like,subscribe, especially on youtube
.
Subscribe for us, um atpsychotic py podcast.
Um, and once again, thank youfor always following us along
this journey and listening, andwe love you guys we love you so
much.
Speaker 2 (48:38):
Thank you, have a great weekend take care happy
fourth of july.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.