BDSM Old Guard Meets New Rules

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A simple compliment at a high‑energy fetish party turns into a masterclass on how kink culture has changed. We follow a longtime participant who once thrived in intimate 1990s scenes and now confronts a modern landscape shaped by consent workshops, strict house rules, and the sheer volume of attention that dominant women receive. The contrast is striking: leather, latex, pounding music, and play rooms everywhere, yet a conversational chill that asks people to treat charged spaces like neutral ground until explicit permission is granted.

We unpack why that shift happened and what it protects. As BDSM moved from underground clubs to mainstream awareness, the internet amplified interest and blurred expectations. More newcomers brought more messages, more pressure, and more risk of misread interactions. That prompted structure—clear consent protocols, social contracts, and firmer boundaries—to protect participants and keep venues safe. The surprise is how that structure reshapes the smallest social moments. What used to be easy banter or a harmless compliment can now feel like a negotiation, and some veterans mourn the loss of spontaneity that once made these communities feel welcoming.

This conversation sits at the crossroads of safety, agency, and desire. We talk about attention as a commodity, why “I am not a fetish dispensary” captures the new ethos, and how to navigate respect without draining warmth. You’ll hear practical ideas for approaching people with care, building layered zones for talk and play, and keeping the erotic spark alive without entitlement. Whether you’re old guard, brand new, or simply curious about how subcultures evolve when they scale, you’ll leave with a clearer sense of what has changed, why it matters, and how to show up well.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who loves culture deep dives, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find us. What part of the shift do you agree with—and what do you miss? #culture #socialcommentary #modernlife #sexuality #relationships #dating #psychology #society #boundaries #desire #intimacy #podcast #culturalshift #analysis

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Have you ever heard something so bizarre?
It makes you wonder if theworld's been s just flipped
upside down, just completelynutty.
It's already nutty as it is,right?
But have you ever had a friendtell you something that just
makes you go, what the what theblank, you know?
I've got a friend who I've knownfor many years, and he's heavily

(00:25):
involved in alternativelifestyles, specifically the
BDSM Fem Dom alternativelifestyles.
He's a submissive male and hehas a fetish.
He goes to fetish parties and hehas a fetish for leather and
vinyl and rubber and things likethat.
But recently, he went to amodern fetish party here in

(00:48):
Cleveland.
But he used to be activelyinvolved in all the big parties
in the 1990s.
He would go to something calledthe organ grinder's ball.
He went to the Ohio Leatherfest.
He saw a couple of differentdominatrix here in town.
And, you know, he's verycomfortable with who he is and
who who he was back then, but hekind of got out of it for a

(01:10):
while and was trying to getre-acclimated with the scene.
And, you know, he he didn't gofor anything wild.
He just wanted to play just forcuriosity, just to see what the
scene was like today.
And he came back with anobservation that was perfectly
bizarre, but it perfectly summedup how much things have changed

(01:32):
over the last 20 to 30 years.
And what he told me was reallyto even to me was stunning.
He saw a woman at this party, anAfrican American dominatrix, who
was tall and strong, and she wasdecked out in this hot leather
outfit.

(01:53):
He was not wearing an outfit, hewas wearing jeans and a t-shirt,
he told me.
And he walked up to this ladyand said, Hey there, I like your
outfit.
And she promptly turned to him,looked down her nose at him, and
said, I am not a fetishdispensary.
She promptly turned on her heeland marched away from him.

(02:17):
And he just stood there, hesaid, in stunned silence,
wondering what the hell had justhappened.
He had wondered why she had saidthat to him.
And to him that line capturedeverything about the paradox of
today's scene from what he'sheard and what he's read.

(02:38):
Now he'd heard things hadchanged through friends that
he'd kept in touch with in thescene.
But he didn't want to believeit, he wanted to see it for
himself.
And because think about it, y hewas at a fetish party, he was at
an adult private nightclub wherethe theme was dominant women and
submissive men.

(02:59):
And there was a whole big SEXthing going on.
Sexual kind of music, sexualvibe, you know, there's bondage
equipment up and down the, youknow, this big room he said.
They had little separate roomswhere people could go in and
play.
You know, the the space that hewas in was entirely devoted to

(03:21):
erotic aesthetics.
I mean, everyone dressed infetish gear, the vibe is
intentionally charged.
And yet, you're expected totreat everything as if it's not
sexual unless there's anexplicit contract and three
forms of verbal consent.
And that's not even being funny.

(03:42):
He had to go to like a seminarbefore he went into this party
to learn about the rules and theregulations before he could go
out and talk to any of theladies.
And that's the paradox.
I mean, my friend remembers the1990s.
In the 1990s, he told me aboutthese wild parties.
All the time, it was a totallydifferent world.

(04:03):
They were smaller, they werefriendlier, they were less
regulated, more conversational,more spontaneous.
He said you could actually walkup to a woman and say, Hey,
how's it going tonight?
I like your outfit.
And she'd she'd, you know,correspond with him politely,
and they'd go off and dowhatever kinky people do in

(04:24):
these parties.
But he said he had a blast.
He met all kinds of women, hemet swingers, he exchanged phone
numbers with people, sometimeson the first time meeting
people.
And now get don't get me wrong,he's told me that he doesn't
have doesn't do the magic nastywith these ladies.
He's into something completelydifferent, a different level.

(04:45):
And when he met these people, hehe became friends with them.
Some of them he establishedrelationships with these ladies.
They didn't last, but you know,it was the way it was back then.
You could actually talk topeople, compliment outfits,
start a conversation, and itwasn't seen as crossing some
type of moral boundary.

(05:07):
People didn't assume the worstof you just because you came up
to them and complimented theiroutfit.
And compliments were treatedlike negotiations.
He also told me that he talkedto another woman at one of these
parties that he got into aconversation with about how he

(05:28):
likes certain things toparticipate in certain actions,
and she told him to his facethat he was desperate and needy.
He was coming across asdesperate and needy, and she was
an experienced dum, and shecould spell desperation and
neediness a mile away.
I'm sorry.
So what are you supposed to dowhen you go to these parties?

(05:48):
You see a woman you're attractedto, and you're supposed to walk
up to her and say, Hey, ohhello, darling.

SPEAKER_00 (05:54):
A lovely day, isn't it?
I I think there's a a hint ofrain in the air, don't you?
How about those browns?
Don't they stink this year?
Yes.
Well yeah, well you know, todayI had pot roast for dinner.

SPEAKER_01 (06:07):
Do you like pot roast?
Oh, I do say so.
Yes, yes, yes.
Did I say this smell a bit likerain?
Yes.
And then you're supposed tostrike up a conversation, a
polite conversation, trying toignore the fact that her breasts
are heaving out of a leather braand she's holding a bull whip
and six inch to let out heel thahigh boots.

(06:29):
Oh no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 (06:31):
Don't you dare look at my boobs or my boots, young
man.
You'll be considered desperateor needy.

SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
He told me that there's a new cultural rule.
You're allowed to present sexualenergy.
Okay, you're allowed to, butnobody is allowed to notice it
unless you explicitly allow themto.
Okay?
Now this seems to applyspecifically to the women, okay,

(06:57):
dominant and submissive women.
So the Dom saying I'm not afetish dispensary makes sense
with a modern mindset.
So basically, you're supposed tosee a woman who looks amazing,
and as a man, you're supposed toignore that display of sexual

(07:18):
energy.
You're supposed to ignore yoursexual urges and just go up to
her like a regular person, as ifthere's no elephant in the room
wearing a leather brawn panties.
Okay?
There's there's nothing going onhere.
Oh, this is just uh casualconversation I'm having with a
nice young lady, like you're inthe office, I suppose.

(07:40):
You're at the water cooler, justtalking about the day's the
day's budget.
And so I when the Dom said I'mnot a fetished dispensary, it
was a way of saying just becauseI'm dressed this way doesn't
mean you get access, attention,validation, or interaction.

(08:03):
This is what he tells me.
And that's fair, I suppose.
Boundaries are important, but italso creates this strange
disconnect between presentationand interaction.
It creates a paradox.
And why did the shift happen?
I I don't I still don'tunderstand what happens.
See, I think today's modernwoman thinks that she should

(08:26):
just be considered for her mindand who she is as a person.
But the thing that I think womenare forgetting that
biologically, if we want to talkabout biology that nobody
believes in anymore, men arebiologically wired to pursue
women for the sole purpose ofcreating other humans.

(08:46):
And I'm being polite about it.
In the animal kingdom, the malelion tries to dominate the other
males in the pack, or whateveryou call them, so he can mate
with the most beautiful lionessin the den, or whatever the hell
you call it.
And there's reasons for it.

(09:07):
He has urges, he has naturalbiological urges, and humans,
men do too.
Now, ours have been pervertedover the years.
I'm not saying my friend's apervert, but he happens to have
urges that have nothing to dowith doing the magic nasty.
But now it's it's being said youhave to ignore those urges.
And it's he said that womentoday would prefer you don't

(09:27):
even get a stiffy.
That women today would preferthat you don't even show an
interest in any type of sexualenergy because then you're pure.
You're a pure person who justappreciates them for who they
are.
My friend wasn't judging anyone.
He just said this is not thesame world we had in the 1990s.

(09:49):
A lot has changed.
The scene went mainstream fromone thing.
Social media and the internetbrought millions of newcomers.
Back in the 90s, the BDSM scenewas underground.
There were small clubs, privateclubs, underground parties.
Consent became hyper formalizedin the Me Too world.

(10:11):
People fear being misread ormisquoted.
Dominant women get overwhelmingattention now because now every
other person is into this scenebecause of the the easy access
to pornography online.
Dominant women, I'm told, getbarraged and just deluged with
requests from guys that are youknow in the mood, so to speak,

(10:36):
to be dominated.
Events grew from intimate groupsto massive crowds.
So the response was to buildharder boundaries, mostly to
protect people who get bombardedwith unter unwanted
interactions.
Now I don't know how this womansaw my friend in an instant just

(10:58):
because he complimented heroutfit, knew she could be rude,
knew she wanted to push himaway, knew that he was needy and
insecure, and just wanted tofool around.
Forgive me, ma'am, but you're ina sex party basically.
There's bondage equipmenthanging from the walls.
The walls he told me werepainted pur burgundy leather

(11:21):
everywhere, pulsating technomusic thumping from the from the
speakers.

SPEAKER_02 (11:31):
So so the response is strange.

SPEAKER_01 (11:36):
And that leads to the core paradox.
The culture is visually designedto provoke a reaction.
This BDSM culture is is visuallyprov designed to provoke a
reaction.
Leather, vinyl, heels, makeup,dog collars.
But reacting is considered aviolation now in this in this

(11:58):
culture, in this alternativelifestyle.
Or as my friend put it, it'slike everyone's performing on
stage, but the audience issupposed to pretend the show
isn't happening.
You have to just Oh no, nothingto see here.
Keep moving.
Just keep moving.
Now whether that's a good or badthing depends on who you ask.

(12:19):
I guess if you're a dominatrixthat's getting hundreds of men
throwing themselves at herboots, I guess it can be
annoying.
But some people it say it's muchsafer now this way.
Others say the spontaneity isgone.
But everyone agrees the culturechanged, the rules changed, the

(12:40):
expectations changed.
And that one line, I'm not afetish dispensary, pretty much
sums up the wholetransformation.
So yeah, this was my friend'sobservation, and it honestly
made me think about how allsubcultures evolve.
Not just kink, everything haschanged.

(13:01):
You can't even talk to people inthe grocery store anymore
without fear of them gettingupset or yelling at you or
pulling out a gun and shootingyour head off.
I don't know, you know, if anyof you belong to an alternative
lifestyle, but I found the storyfascinating and scary at the
same time.
Can you imagine that the modernwoman doesn't want to be seen as

(13:23):
a sexual being or an object?
Okay, I understand beingobjective funding.
No, that's a bad thing.
But again, men and women,biological men and women, were
wired to be close, to make morehumans.
Okay?
Men are designed to want to beattracted, were meant to be
attracted to each other for thesole purpose of creating other

(13:47):
human beings.
And now modern women are saying,not only don't I want to be
sexual, I don't want you to eventhink of it.
No matter what I dress like, nomatter how I act, you're to
accept me just as a plain oldbland boring person.
I personally, guys, don't getit.
I I don't I don't understand it.

(14:09):
I can't even imagine going to asex party hoping to rock and
roll, being told I'm needy anddesperate just because I'm
talking to people about theiroutfits.
My friend missed the memo.
He's considered old guard inthis community because he's been
around for years.
He used to be anyway.

(14:30):
He's fairly well known and wellrespected.
Let me know what you think, man.
It's not this isn't just thisisn't just the kink world and
the alternative lifestyle.
This is all lifestyles now.
You've got you've got so manyweird, fractured thoughts of
what a relationship is and howyou're supposed to interact and
what sex is.

(14:50):
Some people now are satisfied tohave an imaginary AI girlfriend
or boyfriend.
Some people are happy to have areal doll, one of these
manufactured sex dolls.
Maybe I could get Zontarsky.

(15:11):
You know, maybe Zontarsky.
I could uh go up dressing, Icould start a new fetish for
making love to aliens.
What do you think, Zontarsky?
I could put him in like aleather bra and some panties and
maybe go on these fetish partsand people be hot for Zontarsky.

SPEAKER_00 (15:26):
I don't know what's next, man.

SPEAKER_01 (15:28):
Making love to maple trees?
I don't know.
And you can't do that.
You can't how dare you approacha maple tree as a sexual object
if you're in a maple tree.
You have to you have to justkind of treat the maple tree
like you're a squirrel andpretend it's you're just you
know you're just clying in thetree.
You're not trying to get it,it's nuts.
I'm sorry.
I'm in an oak tree, of course.

(15:49):
But are oak trees really mapletrees now?
I don't know.
I I'm confused.
So for all of you needy,desperate guys out there that
are hoping to uh do the magicnasty or kiss someone's boots, I
feel for you, man.
I don't know what's next outthere.
I guess we're just gonna get ridof sex altogether and just watch

(16:09):
the human race die off.
And maybe we'll all be a littlebit better.
Ask the Levista, baby.

SPEAKER_02 (16:27):
Would you like fries with that?