January 9, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode, we uncover why healing and solitude are essential before stepping into the dating world. Chrissy A., Sir Anthony, and guest Donisha share candid experiences of personal growth, self-discovery, and finding peace in solitude. From breaking free of attachment struggles to cultivating self-love, this heartfelt conversation offers valuable insights for anyone seeking meaningful and healthy relationships.
Looking for tools to deepen your connections? Check out our Icebreakers Cards, designed to spark meaningful conversations and foster intentional dating:
🔗 Shop Icebreakers Cards: https://pureintentions314.com/dating-games/the-icebreakers/
🔗 Read More on Our Blog: https://pureintentions314.com/healing-solitude-before-dating/
💬 Share your thoughts in the comments: What has solitude taught you about relationships? How do you prioritize self-love before dating?
Key Takeaways:
- Solitude promotes healing by helping you let go of emotional baggage and focus on self-awareness.
- Self-love is essential before entering a relationship, as it fosters emotional independence.
- Intentional dating tools, like Icebreakers Cards, guide meaningful conversations for deeper connections.
- Healing through solitude prevents repeating past relationship patterns and strengthens emotional boundaries.
- Embracing individuality in solitude sets the foundation for healthy, lasting partnerships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Donisha (00:00):
My favorite thing sitting in my solitude was
basically getting to know myselfbecause, like once again I did
say that I didn't know who I wasbecause I was so codependent on
other people for my happiness,for my pleasures and for just
life period of my experiences,to the point where, when I was
able to sit by myself, I startedto okay, donisha, what do you
(00:20):
like, who are you?
And it helped me really try tolike pull back those layers to
figure out who I was.
Chrissy A. (00:27):
Welcome to the Pure Intentions podcast, where real
love, raw emotions andintentional relationships come
together.
Welcome back to the PureIntentions podcast, where we
talk everything relationshipfrom an intentional point of
view.
I am your host, Chrissy A.
Sir Anthony (00:43):
I'm your co-host, Sir Anthony.
Donisha (00:47):
And I am the host, chrissy A.
I'm your co-host, sir Anthony,and I am the guest Donisha.
I am Chrissy's sister.
Actually, I'm the baby of nine.
We did Can't tell.
I did start going on a healingjourney at the beginning of this
year, with the end of last year, into the beginning of this
year, and all I can say is ithas been a journey and has it
ups.
It's ups and downs, um, andit's still, like you know, an
(01:07):
ongoing thing.
Chrissy A. (01:08):
so and she also is the founder, and owner of oozing
ink apparel that too, that's itand we are going to purchase us
some oozing inks.
We're getting them custom made.
Yes, so we will be wearing themon show pretty soon.
We are going to talk about atopic that I've been wanting to
talk about for a long time.
(01:30):
You know we always real deep.
The whole point of this isintentional dating, and I feel
like learning how to love and bewith yourself is an essential
part before you even start thedating journey.
Yes, so we're going to talkabout solitude, loving and
living in your solitude.
(01:51):
Um danisha, since you are theguest, uh, we just want you to
start it off like you know, justopen up with maybe some
experiences you had with beingalone or you know, just anything
that comes to your mind aboutsolitude and why it is important
To go through that periodbefore you start the dating
(02:14):
phase again okay, I've been onmy own for what November made a
year.
Donisha (02:19):
I've been staying on my own own apartment, on
everything by myself.
I was forced into solitudeafter I was previously engaged.
It didn't go well, so I wasforced to like take on
everything on my own.
So it was a very frighteningthing, like very frightening.
I was afraid, because we get soafraid of the unknown.
I didn't know what was going tohappen.
(02:40):
I didn't have control of thesituation, so therefore I was
afraid.
It put fear in me, um, and Ihad no other choice but to give
it a try.
I'm it's the best thing thathappened and I'm glad I did give
it a try, because growing up ina household full of people,
growing up with granny, wasbasically like so many people on
top of each other, so I alwayshad somebody that I lived with
(03:00):
or that was there.
So I kind of like suffered from,like the attachment issues.
It caused me to hold on tothings and people longer than
intended or needed to, and thatwas where I lacked self-love as
well, because I would put upboundaries and learn more, step
more into that area.
It was like I said it waschallenging and I only can say
(03:22):
it's challenging because, don'tget me wrong, I love the piece,
like being able to just shut theworld out when you ready or
when you feel like you just hadtoo much and you just need that
state of mind to really collectand refocus and, you know, come
back to self and come with self.
Um, it's good to live on yourown and have solitude and be by
yourself.
I'm not gonna act like I don'thave times where I do have those
lonely moments.
(03:43):
Yes, I do, I do, and whoeversaid that they don't is lying,
like even introverts.
Chrissy A. (03:48):
What was the the like, the, the most challenging
part of going through your phaseof being alone, especially
after a divorce?
Donisha (04:01):
I mean not a divorce it didn't get that far, y'all.
It didn't get that far, thankgod.
Well, it technically wassimilar, but almost doesn't
count.
Chrissy A. (04:11):
I know that's right, but after um engaged, being
engaged and breaking that off,y'all have that similar story,
so maybe y'all can piggyback offeach other with this.
What is the hardest thing abouthaving that person that is
consistently there all the timeto not waking up with that
(04:32):
person anymore and not havinganybody there.
What's the most challengingpart of that?
Donisha (04:41):
you want me to kick it off?
Um, the most challenging partfor me was the absence, like me
not knowing how it would be orhow it would feel because, like
I said, I always had someonethere, I always lived with
somebody.
So the thing of me not havingnobody to talk to when I come in
from work after a long day,nobody to be expressive to,
nobody, was just there.
(05:02):
It was just me and my thoughtsand what I feel and, in that
moment, just me having to dealwith self, and that's not easy
for a lot of people.
So it's like a lot of us try torun from it and go lay up under
the next person.
I don't know, it was just like arepeated cycle for me.
I was just going women, woman,a woman, woman, a woman to.
It was like once this hurtedand it hurted so deeply.
I'm like, okay, maybe this isthat, that, that breakthrough,
(05:24):
that wake up call telling medonisha, you're gonna continue
to go through the same thingunless you work on it right here
, right now, you already feelthe pain, so why not just go
through it?
We'll grow through it.
Chrissy A. (05:34):
I like that, thank you and what was the hardest
part for you?
Because, um, sir anthony has.
Sir Anthony has alreadycommunicated with our audience
that he was previously engaged,and so our listeners already
know that part.
But what was the hardest partfor you?
To not have that person and totry and detach yourself.
(05:57):
And now you're in your momentsof solitude.
Sir Anthony (06:01):
For me it was a little different, because all my
life I have been adjusted todoing things alone so the first
time that I traveled, justtraveled.
I didn't want to wait foranybody, it was my birthday.
You know how you do to send outthe invites.
And then it went from a biggroup all the way down to nobody
and then you cancel.
(06:21):
I'm not that guy that canceled,so I, very first time, I went to
vegas by myself, had an amazingtime, and then, from there it
would be, I would put out theplans.
If you're not going, oh well,then I'll go by myself.
I always been acclimated togoing to the movies by myself,
going to eat by myself, whateverI wanted to do.
I'm not the type of personthat'll sit and wait on somebody
(06:43):
, so I already had that goingfor me.
Chrissy A. (06:47):
So, yes, you do get lonely, but when you're so used
to that, it doesn't feel lonelybut the thing was that you
actually, just like you weresaying, you grew up in a house
full of people too.
Yeah, so, like, why do youthink it is that you were so
(07:07):
comfortable with being alonewhen you had that, that that
dynamic of a household too,where there was always somebody
there?
Sir Anthony (07:16):
sometimes it when you grow up a certain way, you
want to be the opposite of thatand so you grew up in a hood.
Donisha (07:23):
That's true.
Sir Anthony (07:24):
That's true, that's a nice house so I didn't want
the way that I grew up, and thesame as a lot of people growing
up in a household.
You know sometimes you wantthat piece of yourself yeah, and
so, and actually you touched onsomething like um with my.
I only have one child.
I mean, it was a result ofsomething else, but growing up
(07:45):
easy.
Everybody in my family, threekids, it's like that's all you
got.
So that was like low numbersfive, six, seven, like that's
the standard of everybody elsehaving kids.
That's why I have so manycousins and that's how it
multiplied.
So with me.
I didn't want a lot of kids, Iwanted to prepare for my kids.
(08:06):
So my first daughter sheunfortunately passed in the womb
and it was hard to have kimoraand after her we basically
stopped.
But I didn't want a lot of kidsanyway because I'm like I grew
up with a lot of kids it's morethan enough of us so I can rent,
rent some kids, some nieces andnephews.
Donisha (08:24):
And we definitely do For real.
Sir Anthony (08:27):
But no, going back on to the solitude thing, from
going from when I was engaged, Icould start to see, because we
had been together and broken upso many times.
Last time we were engaged andshe took on a new career that
like gutted our personal time.
(08:50):
And so I would have times whereI could just be at the crib
chilling, and for me I took thatas another isolation moment,
because I was doing two things.
One, when you want to be whatI've noticed in my world when
I'm out chilling, going to thebar or something like that, and
I'm not on nothing, a bunch ofwomen want to approach me.
Donisha (09:11):
What you doing here, Like they think I'm a honeypot.
Sir Anthony (09:13):
What you doing here by yourself.
Oh you look, and then I'm likeI'm not on that.
Donisha (09:17):
They think you're what A honeypot.
A honeypot.
What is that?
Sir Anthony (09:26):
I never heard that pot.
What is that?
I don't know.
Chrissy A. (09:27):
So you just like when flies come to the honey pot
and get stuck to them becausewomen usually are the honey pots
I mean, I heard a honey potlike the, the stuff that women
use for feminine care.
Sir Anthony (09:37):
No, you just sit there.
I heard of a pot of honey potand you attract everything to
you just by being that makessense, I get it we're wanting to
stay faithful.
So I wouldn't go out knowingthat I'm in a chill mode and
majority of the times if I dothat it's gonna attract energy
towards me.
And so why I do all of that?
(09:58):
When I can just chill at thehouse, I can have me a nice
drink, a little smoke, and then,especially well, I'm always
cooking, but I was reallycooking Everything I saw on the
gram or TikTok.
I'm trying it.
Donisha (10:10):
Chef Boyard, tony, yep, yeah, let's go.
So.
Sir Anthony (10:13):
I sit at the house chilling and that became like a
thing.
Chrissy A. (10:17):
Yeah.
Sir Anthony (10:17):
But long term that's not sustainable, when you
don't know where you can bewith your mate and then, when
you are, the energy is offbecause she's tired she's grumpy
and then long story short.
Chrissy A. (10:34):
With that she got other side dudes to entertain on
the sides like you stretched inbut you're supposed to be
engaged.
Donisha (10:38):
That's crazy, yeah, that was crazy now.
Um, just to piggyback off thegoing out thing I had.
The mindset that you had aboutthis is how I grew up one way
and I want to be another way,because I did like with, like
financial finances and stufflike that wanting to be better
than my environment or whatever.
It was still like a strugglefor me to go out on my own,
(10:59):
though, like once I really justtried stepping into everything
that I feared once I wentthrough that breakup.
That breakup really opened myeyes and was like okay, well,
you're going to have to startdoing stuff on your own anyway,
so you might as well let it benow.
So I go out to the bar Like JarGrill was my favorite little
bar for a while yes it was Withthe extra
(11:20):
hot, hot jerk.
So I go sit at the bar.
What's up D?
What you want, c'est bien Blanc.
She already knew everything.
So it like came very likesoothing and therapeutic for me
to a point where I was likerotating it on my schedule like
once or twice not once or twice,but once a week, or once every
two weeks, because it's likeit's not as bad as I thought and
that's like fear hold us backso much that it keep us just in
(11:44):
this box because we just socomfortable Like OK, well, at
least I know what's going tohappen here, versus climbing
outside that box and going tosee what else is out there.
Chrissy A. (11:53):
Before I went through my moment of solitude, I
wasn't engaged, and they got mebeat.
But before I went to my mom,through my moment of solitude, I
also had a dependency, like acodependency thing going on and
I really feel like now me and mysister didn't grow up in the
(12:13):
same house together, so whereshe had family in one building,
like literally the whole familywas in one building.
I didn't grow up like that, soit was just my grandma, um, and
it was four kids including me,so that was the household, my
siblings and my grandmother.
(12:34):
The codependency in me camebecause I always wanted, um, a
mom, like it wasn't even aboutmy dad, it was like I wanted
that motherly love, like Iwanted someone that that wanted
me back.
Donisha (12:52):
And it was like I'm sorry.
We all yearn for that.
Chrissy A. (12:55):
Yeah.
Donisha (12:56):
When we don't grow up with our moms, go ahead.
Chrissy A. (12:58):
And it was a fear that I developed of rejection.
I even like growing up as a kidI played every instrument that
I could.
I played the violin, the viola,the cello, I played the
clarinet, I was in cheerleading,I was in praise dance and I
went to church every Sunday.
I prayed all the time, like Iwas just so active.
(13:20):
And I did all these thingsbecause rewards came with them
and I was just hoping that oneday my mom would just show up
you know what I mean.
Like she would just show up,like if I had enough assemblies
to go to, if I had enoughrecitals to go to, if I had
enough dance, you know what I'msaying then she would show up to
something and it developed thatcodependency like I need that.
(13:46):
I need that and I don't feelthat validation and I don't feel
like that void has, even stillto this day, being completely
filled, because sometimes I findmyself needing validation for
things, like when I'm in danceclass and I'm dancing, and
sometimes the instructor wouldbe like, oh yeah, you did that
(14:10):
real good to somebody else andI'm like, well, shit, I did it
good too.
Like sometimes my mind doesthat and I have to tell it to
like no, calm down, we ain'tthere.
You know what I mean.
Like it's always that, thatvoice, that inner voice in your
head, that want to pull you backto the old version of you when
you're trying to be a healedversion that's the egotistic
(14:30):
mindset.
Donisha (14:31):
It caused attachment issues because you wanted that
thing so, so bad.
And I feel like that's kind ofwith me as well, like even with
the liking women aspect ofeverything.
Like I gave the man thing a trybut I knew deep down I never
like was really interested inmen and I really think it's
because I always yearn for thatmotherly love and that's why
when I do date women, I look tosee how they are with their kids
(14:53):
and if you're not a good parent, I don't want to like deal with
you or be around you, becauseit's like I suffered that I
suffered from that.
So for me to be around you andyou try to be up under me and I
see how you are with your kids,like that's taking me back to my
childhood as to when my parentwas absent or something like
that.
Chrissy A. (15:09):
But yeah, and I do feel like that, the importance
of going back to the solitudething, the importance of
solitude and sitting in it,because a lot of people don't
want to sit in the state ofbeing alone.
And I know people who, becauseI used to be one of these people
, that are like, oh well, Idon't have to be alone and
(15:31):
people say you have to be aloneand do this and do that.
But I'm just a person that lovelove and I want to love people
and I want love and I want this.
But it was just a distraction.
It was a distraction fromgetting to know who I really am
and the point of the solitudethat I was getting to was I
(15:53):
would not have known things thattrigger me.
I would not have known that mydependency on motherly love, the
absence of my mom not beingthere there, made me codependent
and a people pleaser.
I wouldn't have known any ofthat if I didn't sit into my
(16:13):
solitude, if I didn't saybecause the thing is, once
you're in a relationship for avery long time and like it's
just you and that person all thetime, y'all always with each
other, y'all always spendingtime with each other.
Once that separates, it's like,damn, now I gotta be with
(16:36):
myself.
Who am I?
Donisha (16:37):
that was the question who the hell am I?
I asked myself that questionwhen that happened, and it's
crazy because do I like me yeahbut go ahead, but not go ahead.
I cut you off.
It's just like I be trying tohurt yourself.
Forget the thought.
But now it is the who am I?
Because that's one of the firstquestions I asked myself like,
okay, what do I do now?
Like I don't have her anymore,like what the fuck are we gonna
(17:00):
do?
And I'm glad that I did gothrough what I went through to
force me into that moment ofsolitude, that season of
solitude, because I learned somuch about myself, and pain
really help you with your growth.
That's the next step.
You know what I'm saying.
You have to go through this inorder to get what you asked me
for.
Basically, you know the mosthigh and just being able to just
(17:22):
sit with myself and learn thedifferent techniques on how to
calm myself, actually feelingthat feeling inside.
Because when we go throughdifferent things and challenges,
we get this type of emotion andsometimes we don't even know
what that feeling might be.
You might have probably foundyourself saying, oh, I just feel
some type of way.
I don't know how to explain it.
You sit with yourself and yourbody actually talks to you if
you just listen.
(17:42):
But we be having so much goingon up here where we just, oh, I
can't sit by myself, I can'tmeditate, I can't do this, I
can't do that, but we alreadycasting spells on ourselves on
saying what we can't do becausewe never tried it.
Chrissy A. (17:53):
It's foreign, it's gonna be uncomfortable and just
to touch on the meditation point, a lot of people that try to
even attempt meditation.
What I would say to you isdon't stop, because what happens
is once we, the first time wesit down in meditation, our
(18:14):
brain is working to try and tellus what's uncomfortable for us,
and that's when you realizethat it's working.
A lot of people think that allthis ain't working because you
think your mind is supposed toshut off instantly, and that's
not the case.
Like your mind never reallyshuts off, you just put it in a
state of peace.
That's what meditation leadsyou to, because if your mind
(18:35):
shuts off, you're dead.
No fact, you're just not alive.
So, just to speak on that,meditation is a key ingredient
into learning how to calmyourself down and I feel like
that, to be in an actualrelationship because, let's face
it, this is our audience.
(18:56):
Our audience want to berelationship savvy, right so to
be.
Before you even get into thatrelationship, learning to calm
yourself down in situations isvery essential, because baby
very vital, baby partnership issuch a beautiful thing, but it
(19:19):
is a challenge.
Every single day there's a newchallenge ahead and some
challenges you might, in thatmoment, fail, but it doesn't
mean that you can't succeed inthat specific thing.
That makes sense.
I know it makes sense to youbecause we we go through these
things.
Donisha (19:39):
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a thing of you failing,
like it's no such thing asfailing, like I feel like it's a
lesson, a learning lesson.
Okay, this triggered me whenyou did this.
Okay, let's sit down andcommunicate about it.
Let's try to figure out a toolor something that we can do
moving forward.
Chrissy A. (19:54):
So once we do hit this bump in the road again, we
know to know how to proceedwithout, it's a fail, it's a no,
it's a failing moment, becauseit's like, okay, like I was
telling him early, we get if youtake a test, right.
And let's just say we in schoolwe take a test.
We don't pass that test, whatis it?
(20:14):
We fell in it, right, but it'salso no, no, just just.
Donisha (20:18):
Yeah, we fell in it right.
Chrissy A. (20:20):
But if we're able to take that test again, the same
exact test, we know where wewent wrong.
So now we can change up the waywe answer those questions.
That's where your lesson is.
So it's still a fail in alesson.
In the same sense, a fail isn'ta negative thing, and I think
we we make it as okay, I can seethat if you fail, you can't,
(20:44):
you can't try again.
Failing is a key to learning alesson.
Once you realize I didn't dogood in this area, if you put
your mind to I, I didn't fail, Ididn't fail.
It's like you you tellingyourself that you've already
accomplished this.
But you haven't you failed atit?
(21:06):
It is okay that you did notsucceed, as long as you get up
and you try again so you don'tgive up.
Donisha (21:12):
So you don't think that like okay, so the universe
don't know, like, when you'retalking about negative things
and positive things, and thesubconscious mind plays a part
in all of it, it gets stuck yoursubconscious.
So, since people use failure asa negative word, you don't
think that, like, that sits inour subconscious mind of saying
that, oh, I'm a failure I thinkthat, if I think your
subconscious mind, whatever youteach it, whatever you teach it,
(21:35):
that's what it understands,okay, so if you like, a computer
basically yeah, if you teach itthat failure is a bad thing and
you can't do anything outsideof failure, like once you fail,
that's it.
Chrissy A. (21:47):
Then now OK, you know I'm saying now you're
you're putting yourself in a badposition.
But if you look at failure as asense to be able to try again
and do again and repeat andlearn from those lessons, then
you setting yourself up fornothing.
But success okay, just becauseyou are in a midst of solitude
(22:12):
does not mean you have to bebored in it.
That's right.
You can definitely enjoyyourself.
I know people who, um, arethirsty for a relationship right
now.
Yeah, and it's like I want tobe in a relationship.
I want some, and it's always areason why, like, I think a lot
of single moms would love to bein a relationship, because I
(22:35):
spoke about this on the lastpodcast would love to be in a
relationship because, um, it'shard trying to parent on your
own and when you don't have thatsupport system.
It's like you know you need thatmale figure, you know you need
that partnership to help you inthose moments.
(22:56):
So a lot of women I'm gonna behonest, a lot of women out here
are thirsty for a relationship.
Yeah, and I'm here to say justcalm down.
Donisha (23:06):
Take your time because, baby, this is the longest I've
been outside of a relationshipand it's going on what the year.
It's my longest time by myself.
I never had time like by myselfin between times, like I went
from relationship torelationship to relationships,
cause I always needed that, thatcodependency, like I always
needed something or someone justfor me to feel love, and that
(23:29):
was me lacking self-love.
I do feel like solitude is aform of self-love, because when
you can sit by yourself and becomfortable with yourself and
actually enjoy your own company,that's you putting yourself
before anybody else and that'swhere I'm at right now yourself
before anybody else and that'swhere I'm at right now.
So a lot of times, like when Ido like step back out into the
dating, dating world, um, I knowwhat I want and what I don't
(23:50):
want like I get it the wholegist of oh, if it's something
you want, you want to, you knowyou got to fight for it.
But me I'm at a point where, ifit's something, I'm checking
out boxes as soon as I walkthrough the door knock, knock,
knock, come in.
Oh shit, no, no, oh, okay, no,because it's like I love myself
that much and I allow so much Iwouldn't say disrespect, but I
(24:12):
allow so much stuff that Ishould have been nipped in the
bud.
I ignored all the red flags, Iignored everything, just because
I just wanted.
Chrissy A. (24:20):
I was infatuated with the thought of being in
love when you have that need forlove, when you have that thirst
for love, you will acceptanything and I say this all the
time, but it's so true, likeyou'll be, like you'll find
something.
You'll compare this personthat's in front of you to your
(24:41):
last relationship and if theynot doing that one thing that
irritated you about the lastrelationship and they check off
that one box, it's like okay,well, I can deal with the other
shit.
But now you in thisrelationship and you find other
boxes, that needs to be likeuh-uh, I don't like this.
And you find yourself dealingwith it because you think less
(25:02):
of yourself, yourself dealingwith it because you don't.
You think less of yourself andyou don't think that you're
worthy of someone who meets allof the standards that you have,
or you haven't spent time inyour solitude to even understand
what it is that you want in thefirst place that's facts heavy
because, like the next time I dostep into the relationship,
like I know, I'm gonna sit withmyself and I'm gonna check off
(25:22):
and write down the things that Ilike, the characteristics I
would want within my partner.
Donisha (25:26):
You know what I'm saying.
It's not just about I wouldn'tsay just about what I love, but
also the characteristics and thetraits that they they carry as
well.
So it's a thing of, yeah, Imight like this and they might
not have it down pat where Ineed it to be or where I want to
be, but that's just like Ican't walk into something
setting high expectations.
I just have to like, I guess,experience a person, because
that's what we're here to doanyway.
(25:46):
So how about I love myself, youlove yourself and we just
experience each other withinloving ourselves?
Sir Anthony (25:54):
that's always what I stole that from, I think, jada
Pinkett her podcast.
She said happiness is selfish.
Yeah, so you should be.
You shouldn't worry aboutsomebody making you happy, and
that's what society goes wrongthey want.
You're my mate, you're supposedto make me happy you're
(26:14):
supposed to be happy yourself.
You're supposed to be happyyourself, and we bring that
happiness together and share itexactly and then and that.
Chrissy A. (26:22):
And I think people take that at face value because
I hear a lot of people sayingjust exactly and that.
And I think people take that atface value because I hear a lot
of people saying just that, butI don't think people really
understand what it means,because then you have those same
people that say things likethat and be like well, my love,
come with conditions.
And it's like when you pickthis is why it's essential to
understand who you are yeah,because when you pick the person
(26:46):
that you mesh well with, youare going to have conflict,
because it's two people comingtogether with two different
experiences in life.
That's facts.
Two different upbringings, twodifferent, mostly, values.
Like we might have the samevalues, but the way we want to
(27:08):
get there might be different,you know.
Or the way we push ourselvesmight be different.
And it's like if you don'tunderstand who you are and you
don't pick a partner that wouldmet, that you will mesh well
with, then you do have thatcodependency and then you do
depend on that person.
It's not about I'm happy bymyself or you happy by yourself.
(27:31):
It's more like, well, you'renot doing the things that I
actually like.
So because you're not doing thethings that I like.
That's still a form of you haveto make me happy?
Donisha (27:40):
yeah, it is.
It's like you put youprojecting on.
Basically, you're projectingbecause you lack something
within yourself, so now you'regonna throw it off on the other
person, like this is yourresponsibility, when all my
responsibility is is come hereand experience you, because
that's what we're here to do isexperience each other.
So us putting those highexpectations up and things of
that nature, like I'm not gonnasay that, I'm just gonna be like
(28:03):
, oh shit, I don't like the wayyou sit down, I can't fuck with
you, like it's not gonna benothing, like that.
I mean, I will give it a chanceto give it a try.
But that's where the datingperiod comes.
You know what I'm saying.
Where you get a feel for thatperson.
You get the experience, you getthat trial.
You know that seven-day trial?
Yeah, all right, I didn't giveit a little taste, not like a
seven-day trial.
Chrissy A. (28:23):
Yeah, all right, I didn't get a little taste not
like a free trial.
Sir Anthony (28:26):
I know this ain't for me.
Donisha (28:27):
You're gonna keep that credit card on fire exactly, and
that's kind of what it comedown to.
And then another thing, um isabout self-sabotaging.
When you do have something goodor someone great for you or
good for you, you find anylittle reason to self-sabotage
and be like nah, but what ifthis go wrong?
What if that go wrong?
Because, like you, due to pasttrauma, that's what you sat in.
Chrissy A. (28:49):
I think that has some sense of normalcy in it,
though, because 90% of what ourthoughts are repeated every day.
Right, so it takes.
They say it takes 21 days tobreak a habit.
I say it take a little bitlonger, but we're going to use
the 21 day, all right.
(29:09):
However, outside of the point,it's like when I, when I was
with you, I never experienced alove like ours.
Donisha (29:23):
So for me, I'd rather start singing.
I want to name something okaywho's singing?
That's I'm walking.
That's my mama.
Yeah, that's on my hood I'llkill you, yeah yeah, that's the
name of the song yeah, that'swhy she said it like that
thirsty, I kill you, I kill yourass, no, but um, I never
(29:47):
experienced a love like oursbefore.
Chrissy A. (29:52):
So in the beginning of our relationship, because of
all the trauma that I've dealtwith in previous relationships,
I felt like um, and not evenjust previous relationships.
Even with childhood trauma andmy abandonment issues, I felt
like I needed to.
(30:12):
At certain points, when youwasn't giving me certain
attention, that social mediatell you how a man and a woman
should be and a woman should be,which is absolutely insane, um,
absurd.
Oh my god, it's so crazy.
We'll get to that point in aminute.
That's a whole nother topic.
Yeah, but when, when you didn'tprohibit certain behaviors, that
(30:37):
somebody was like uh-uh, heain't interested in you, like
social media would tell me thatyou was a red flag because of
certain things.
So in my mind, I was imaginingyou being a red flag.
So, before you could break myheart or hurt me, I was starting
to self-sabotage.
But I caught it, though, andthat's what I mean by it's.
(31:05):
You have to sit into yoursolitude to understand you, to
know you, because if I did notsit in that solitude, if I did
not spend time by myself, if Idid not know who Christiana was,
if I did not know I had thesechildhood traumas.
If I did not know I hadabandonment issues, I wouldn't
have been able to recognize thatand we wouldn't even be
together right now and I wouldhave made myself believe that
(31:26):
you were the problem.
Sir Anthony (31:27):
What was one of your favorite moments in your
solitude and for me, mydistraction was I was rebuilding
my marketing company and thiswas around the time everybody
started getting their 20,000 andeverybody want to start a
business and I'm at thebeginning and middle stages of
that.
To help you get after you getyour formation of it, you're
(31:49):
going to need a logo you'regoing to need a website
marketing yeah, I was settingeverybody up getting the
trademarks and all of that goodstuff done, so I had enough
healthy distraction to where I'mbuilding a business, because I
already saw the foresight thatthe unemployment was going to
stop.
The money was going to stop theum 12, what's a 1400.
(32:10):
All of that was going to stopand I'm like I can't be
dependent on the government.
We all were, because youcouldn't go to work unless you
were essential worker.
Chrissy A. (32:18):
I was an essential worker.
Sir Anthony (32:20):
I was, so I quit on the ass.
Donisha (32:22):
I quit on the ass too.
Sir Anthony (32:23):
I got six months of free money, though and I built
the business to help me distractmyself from that, and that is
where I was really.
Same thing, cooking um,chilling, um.
I didn't go to the gym but,little you know, calisthenics
workout at home.
And then the little travel thatthey allowed you to do.
Donisha (32:42):
Oh, I was gone now I got a question for you.
Um, in the midst of all of that, have you ever thought about
like seeking therapy?
Sir Anthony (32:51):
I didn't, no, only she's been big on it.
And then that is what's gonnaget me into it, because I now
I'm seeing the power of it buton my own, I probably wouldn't
have went.
Donisha (33:03):
No, I totally understand, because the same
thing for me, like the onlything that encouraged me to go
was my ex, like she just keptsaying you don't want to.
I had the same response allblack people have.
I ain't, finna, go tell nostranger my business, because
that's what we talk.
You know what I'm saying.
However, them with some other,some of the most rawest, dopest
fucking conversations ever, andit's like you telling a person
(33:24):
different ways you handle thingsand they're telling you well,
how about you work on it thisway?
Or all they trying to do isgive you suggestions to see what
worked for you, because you'regoing to therapy for yourself,
you basically just going thereto really be the mirror for
yourself.
But that was just a questionthat I had so what was your
favorite moment?
Sir Anthony (33:44):
oh, because that was the question was that I
rebuilt the company from whatthe world was deeming as
destruction.
We was in pandemic andisolation, but for me, I was
having a great time.
I was learning new things, Iwas helping other business
owners and I was making a lot ofmoney at the same time.
Chrissy A. (34:05):
Let's go.
The pandemic was my favoritesolitude moment too, though I
think I can't say mine was.
Donisha (34:11):
I think I was upset, but my favorite thing, sitting
in my solitude, was basicallygetting to know myself Because,
like once again I did say that Ididn't know who I was, because
I was so codependent on otherpeople for my happiness, for my
pleasures and for just lifeperiod and my experiences, to
the point where, when I was ableto sit by myself, I started to
(34:34):
okay, donisha, what do you like,who are you?
And it helped me really try tolike pull back those layers to
figure out who I was.
Chrissy A. (34:42):
I feel like sometimes, when we have our
moments of disagreement, that isbecause we just need a break
from each other, like we justneed those moments to ourselves.
Like one time we had adisagreement and you came in
(35:03):
there because you wanted me tofinish something and I'm just
like I just need a minute, likesometimes you you really do, and
you respected my minute that Ineeded.
So I appreciate that you mightnot have been happy about it,
but you respected it and that'sall I can ask for.
Um, but what I used to do whenI was in my previous
(35:24):
relationship is I used to go geta hotel room once a month on a
weekend.
I used to spend a weekend in ahotel room by myself, meditating
, praying, listening to gospeland spending time with me and
(35:52):
and God.
Like that was my replenishingmoment, you know, and I still
feel like that's essential andthat's necessary, like I don't
think I should have gave up that.
And I know some people might belike you're going to, you're in
a whole relationship, you'regoing to a hotel once a weekend,
what you doing?
The hotel?
No, I literally enjoy the timethat I spend with God alone,
(36:16):
because I feel like in thosemoments I hear him clearer and I
fast during those times too.
So it's just like with my lastrelationship, those weekends
that I spent in that hotel.
Every weekend I spent in ahotel.
God told me now Chrissy, youknow damn well, I didn't put you
(36:37):
in this relationship, youforcing it.
Donisha (36:40):
Yeah let this shit.
Chrissy A. (36:42):
Go going back to you and how you feel like it would
be essential for, even in arelationship with me, for you to
have those moments that you canspend alone.
Because I hear you talkingabout how you traveled and how
you did this and how you didthat by yourself and how you
(37:03):
enjoyed it.
Because you can move around theway you wanted to move around,
like how essential for you is itTo still have solitude In our
relationship.
Sir Anthony (37:14):
Yeah, as long as I can go down to Indy and see my
homeboy Terry.
Yeah, as long as I can go downto Indy and see my homeboy Terry
yeah.
That's good enough for me.
Donisha (37:20):
Yeah.
Sir Anthony (37:21):
Yeah.
Donisha (37:23):
Okay, can I?
Um, can I, because he soundlike he was wrapping it up real
fast.
Sir Anthony (37:30):
That's all I'm like , I mean, that's really all I do
.
Donisha (37:32):
That's all you got.
Chrissy A. (37:33):
Yeah, so you don't think that you need like just
space for?
Donisha (37:38):
you alone.
I feel like some of his spaceis when he in his zone doing his
work, because I be hearing youup.
I can't answer on my baby whilehe working.
I can't answer on my man.
That's what you say.
You don't say baby, you say myman, I do.
I didn't even know your namefor a while because Motherfucker
said your name on who, becausemy fucking said your name, I'm
who.
Chrissy A. (37:56):
Who is that?
My man, my man, my man.
Donisha (37:58):
I was about to tell him my fucking.
No, I'm my sister.
Sir Anthony (38:02):
man, that's who we, my sister man, who is your
sister man?
Donisha (38:06):
Shit, I don't know.
Her man, him right there.
Just because that's all you say, my man.
That's what his name?
Chrissy A. (38:16):
was.
That's all y'all needed to knowthat that's my man.
Donisha (38:18):
But for me, with the solitude thing and that's funny
that you asked that questionabout that, because, like that's
been a thought in the back ofmy mind for a while Like I did,
like after my breakup, give ittime to really just be by myself
and actually go through thehealing process and things of
that nature, you know, toactually that in order to heal.
So when it came I'm not gonnalie, I'm gonna be honest 100% it
(38:43):
came to a point where I wasafraid to even open up or feel
that feeling, to even try to seeif I can love someone again the
way that I love you know whatI'm saying like it kind of
closed me up, especially myheart, because now it's like I
gotta protect this shit.
That's something I done.
Felt that I don't want to feelagain, so I was scared.
You know what I'm saying.
(39:03):
But I know it's inevitable forme to get back out here and
start dating and whatever, when,when I'm ready.
So when I do start dating, I dowant that to be a conversation
like when we get in a talkingstage you're getting know one
another.
I want to be able to lay downthings what I need or not, what
I need or how would.
I would like to proceed on metime, because I don't want to
(39:24):
lose that me time, becausethat's one thing that I realize
in a lot of relationships,especially nowadays, is we lose
that individuality within theserelationships.
So it's a thing of once youlose that individuality, once
that relationship don't work outbecause, yes, they can be there
, y'all could be going hard,strong, good in that moment, but
it could just be a season, andonce that season is over, then
(39:45):
what you know so so that hasbeen another episode of Pure
Intentions podcast.
Chrissy A. (39:54):
I do want to leave y'all with this.
It is very, very important thatyou learn yourself, you know
yourself, you understand what itis that you need for you before
you actually get into arelationship, and understanding
yourself and knowing yourself isbreaking down those deep rooted
things like your childhoodtrauma, your adulthood trauma,
(40:20):
all your trauma, andunderstanding your likes, your
dislikes all of that past asurface level.
I want y'all to continue to beintentional about dating,
intentional, loving yourselves,loving other people and
relationships.
They ain't easy, but they arebeautiful.
(40:42):
So keep watching us so you canlearn more keys and tips and
tricks.
Well, no tricks, there are notricks here, but keys and tips
on how to be intentional in adating world.
And there we have it.
See you next week.
Donisha (41:03):
Peace.
My favorite thing sitting in my solitude was
basically getting to know myselfbecause, like once again I did
say that I didn't know who I wasbecause I was so codependent on
other people for my happiness,for my pleasures and for just
life period of my experiences,to the point where, when I was
able to sit by myself, I startedto okay, donisha, what do you
(00:20):
like, who are you?
And it helped me really try tolike pull back those layers to
figure out who I was.
Chrissy A. (00:27):
Welcome to the Pure Intentions podcast, where real
love, raw emotions andintentional relationships come
together.
Welcome back to the PureIntentions podcast, where we
talk everything relationshipfrom an intentional point of
view.
I am your host, Chrissy A.
Sir Anthony (00:43):
I'm your co-host, Sir Anthony.
Donisha (00:47):
And I am the host, chrissy A.
I'm your co-host, sir Anthony,and I am the guest Donisha.
I am Chrissy's sister.
Actually, I'm the baby of nine.
We did Can't tell.
I did start going on a healingjourney at the beginning of this
year, with the end of last year, into the beginning of this
year, and all I can say is ithas been a journey and has it
ups.
It's ups and downs, um, andit's still, like you know, an
(01:07):
ongoing thing.
Chrissy A. (01:08):
so and she also is the founder, and owner of oozing
ink apparel that too, that's itand we are going to purchase us
some oozing inks.
We're getting them custom made.
Yes, so we will be wearing themon show pretty soon.
We are going to talk about atopic that I've been wanting to
talk about for a long time.
(01:30):
You know we always real deep.
The whole point of this isintentional dating, and I feel
like learning how to love and bewith yourself is an essential
part before you even start thedating journey.
Yes, so we're going to talkabout solitude, loving and
living in your solitude.
(01:51):
Um danisha, since you are theguest, uh, we just want you to
start it off like you know, justopen up with maybe some
experiences you had with beingalone or you know, just anything
that comes to your mind aboutsolitude and why it is important
To go through that periodbefore you start the dating
(02:14):
phase again okay, I've been onmy own for what November made a
year.
Donisha (02:19):
I've been staying on my own own apartment, on
everything by myself.
I was forced into solitudeafter I was previously engaged.
It didn't go well, so I wasforced to like take on
everything on my own.
So it was a very frighteningthing, like very frightening.
I was afraid, because we get soafraid of the unknown.
I didn't know what was going tohappen.
(02:40):
I didn't have control of thesituation, so therefore I was
afraid.
It put fear in me, um, and Ihad no other choice but to give
it a try.
I'm it's the best thing thathappened and I'm glad I did give
it a try, because growing up ina household full of people,
growing up with granny, wasbasically like so many people on
top of each other, so I alwayshad somebody that I lived with
(03:00):
or that was there.
So I kind of like suffered from,like the attachment issues.
It caused me to hold on tothings and people longer than
intended or needed to, and thatwas where I lacked self-love as
well, because I would put upboundaries and learn more, step
more into that area.
It was like I said it waschallenging and I only can say
(03:22):
it's challenging because, don'tget me wrong, I love the piece,
like being able to just shut theworld out when you ready or
when you feel like you just hadtoo much and you just need that
state of mind to really collectand refocus and, you know, come
back to self and come with self.
Um, it's good to live on yourown and have solitude and be by
yourself.
I'm not gonna act like I don'thave times where I do have those
lonely moments.
(03:43):
Yes, I do, I do, and whoeversaid that they don't is lying,
like even introverts.
Chrissy A. (03:48):
What was the the like, the, the most challenging
part of going through your phaseof being alone, especially
after a divorce?
Donisha (04:01):
I mean not a divorce it didn't get that far, y'all.
It didn't get that far, thankgod.
Well, it technically wassimilar, but almost doesn't
count.
Chrissy A. (04:11):
I know that's right, but after um engaged, being
engaged and breaking that off,y'all have that similar story,
so maybe y'all can piggyback offeach other with this.
What is the hardest thing abouthaving that person that is
consistently there all the timeto not waking up with that
(04:32):
person anymore and not havinganybody there.
What's the most challengingpart of that?
Donisha (04:41):
you want me to kick it off?
Um, the most challenging partfor me was the absence, like me
not knowing how it would be orhow it would feel because, like
I said, I always had someonethere, I always lived with
somebody.
So the thing of me not havingnobody to talk to when I come in
from work after a long day,nobody to be expressive to,
nobody, was just there.
(05:02):
It was just me and my thoughtsand what I feel and, in that
moment, just me having to dealwith self, and that's not easy
for a lot of people.
So it's like a lot of us try torun from it and go lay up under
the next person.
I don't know, it was just like arepeated cycle for me.
I was just going women, woman,a woman, woman, a woman to.
It was like once this hurtedand it hurted so deeply.
I'm like, okay, maybe this isthat, that, that breakthrough,
(05:24):
that wake up call telling medonisha, you're gonna continue
to go through the same thingunless you work on it right here
, right now, you already feelthe pain, so why not just go
through it?
We'll grow through it.
Chrissy A. (05:34):
I like that, thank you and what was the hardest
part for you?
Because, um, sir anthony has.
Sir Anthony has alreadycommunicated with our audience
that he was previously engaged,and so our listeners already
know that part.
But what was the hardest partfor you?
To not have that person and totry and detach yourself.
(05:57):
And now you're in your momentsof solitude.
Sir Anthony (06:01):
For me it was a little different, because all my
life I have been adjusted todoing things alone so the first
time that I traveled, justtraveled.
I didn't want to wait foranybody, it was my birthday.
You know how you do to send outthe invites.
And then it went from a biggroup all the way down to nobody
and then you cancel.
(06:21):
I'm not that guy that canceled,so I, very first time, I went to
vegas by myself, had an amazingtime, and then, from there it
would be, I would put out theplans.
If you're not going, oh well,then I'll go by myself.
I always been acclimated togoing to the movies by myself,
going to eat by myself, whateverI wanted to do.
I'm not the type of personthat'll sit and wait on somebody
(06:43):
, so I already had that goingfor me.
Chrissy A. (06:47):
So, yes, you do get lonely, but when you're so used
to that, it doesn't feel lonelybut the thing was that you
actually, just like you weresaying, you grew up in a house
full of people too.
Yeah, so, like, why do youthink it is that you were so
(07:07):
comfortable with being alonewhen you had that, that that
dynamic of a household too,where there was always somebody
there?
Sir Anthony (07:16):
sometimes it when you grow up a certain way, you
want to be the opposite of thatand so you grew up in a hood.
Donisha (07:23):
That's true.
Sir Anthony (07:24):
That's true, that's a nice house so I didn't want
the way that I grew up, and thesame as a lot of people growing
up in a household.
You know sometimes you wantthat piece of yourself yeah, and
so, and actually you touched onsomething like um with my.
I only have one child.
I mean, it was a result ofsomething else, but growing up
(07:45):
easy.
Everybody in my family, threekids, it's like that's all you
got.
So that was like low numbersfive, six, seven, like that's
the standard of everybody elsehaving kids.
That's why I have so manycousins and that's how it
multiplied.
So with me.
I didn't want a lot of kids, Iwanted to prepare for my kids.
(08:06):
So my first daughter sheunfortunately passed in the womb
and it was hard to have kimoraand after her we basically
stopped.
But I didn't want a lot of kidsanyway because I'm like I grew
up with a lot of kids it's morethan enough of us so I can rent,
rent some kids, some nieces andnephews.
Donisha (08:24):
And we definitely do For real.
Sir Anthony (08:27):
But no, going back on to the solitude thing, from
going from when I was engaged, Icould start to see, because we
had been together and broken upso many times.
Last time we were engaged andshe took on a new career that
like gutted our personal time.
(08:50):
And so I would have times whereI could just be at the crib
chilling, and for me I took thatas another isolation moment,
because I was doing two things.
One, when you want to be whatI've noticed in my world when
I'm out chilling, going to thebar or something like that, and
I'm not on nothing, a bunch ofwomen want to approach me.
Donisha (09:11):
What you doing here, Like they think I'm a honeypot.
Sir Anthony (09:13):
What you doing here by yourself.
Oh you look, and then I'm likeI'm not on that.
Donisha (09:17):
They think you're what A honeypot.
A honeypot.
What is that?
Sir Anthony (09:26):
I never heard that pot.
What is that?
I don't know.
Chrissy A. (09:27):
So you just like when flies come to the honey pot
and get stuck to them becausewomen usually are the honey pots
I mean, I heard a honey potlike the, the stuff that women
use for feminine care.
Sir Anthony (09:37):
No, you just sit there.
I heard of a pot of honey potand you attract everything to
you just by being that makessense, I get it we're wanting to
stay faithful.
So I wouldn't go out knowingthat I'm in a chill mode and
majority of the times if I dothat it's gonna attract energy
towards me.
And so why I do all of that?
(09:58):
When I can just chill at thehouse, I can have me a nice
drink, a little smoke, and then,especially well, I'm always
cooking, but I was reallycooking Everything I saw on the
gram or TikTok.
I'm trying it.
Donisha (10:10):
Chef Boyard, tony, yep, yeah, let's go.
So.
Sir Anthony (10:13):
I sit at the house chilling and that became like a
thing.
Chrissy A. (10:17):
Yeah.
Sir Anthony (10:17):
But long term that's not sustainable, when you
don't know where you can bewith your mate and then, when
you are, the energy is offbecause she's tired she's grumpy
and then long story short.
Chrissy A. (10:34):
With that she got other side dudes to entertain on
the sides like you stretched inbut you're supposed to be
engaged.
Donisha (10:38):
That's crazy, yeah, that was crazy now.
Um, just to piggyback off thegoing out thing I had.
The mindset that you had aboutthis is how I grew up one way
and I want to be another way,because I did like with, like
financial finances and stufflike that wanting to be better
than my environment or whatever.
It was still like a strugglefor me to go out on my own,
(10:59):
though, like once I really justtried stepping into everything
that I feared once I wentthrough that breakup.
That breakup really opened myeyes and was like okay, well,
you're going to have to startdoing stuff on your own anyway,
so you might as well let it benow.
So I go out to the bar Like JarGrill was my favorite little
bar for a while yes it was Withthe extra
(11:20):
hot, hot jerk.
So I go sit at the bar.
What's up D?
What you want, c'est bien Blanc.
She already knew everything.
So it like came very likesoothing and therapeutic for me
to a point where I was likerotating it on my schedule like
once or twice not once or twice,but once a week, or once every
two weeks, because it's likeit's not as bad as I thought and
that's like fear hold us backso much that it keep us just in
(11:44):
this box because we just socomfortable Like OK, well, at
least I know what's going tohappen here, versus climbing
outside that box and going tosee what else is out there.
Chrissy A. (11:53):
Before I went through my moment of solitude, I
wasn't engaged, and they got mebeat.
But before I went to my mom,through my moment of solitude, I
also had a dependency, like acodependency thing going on and
I really feel like now me and mysister didn't grow up in the
(12:13):
same house together, so whereshe had family in one building,
like literally the whole familywas in one building.
I didn't grow up like that, soit was just my grandma, um, and
it was four kids including me,so that was the household, my
siblings and my grandmother.
(12:34):
The codependency in me camebecause I always wanted, um, a
mom, like it wasn't even aboutmy dad, it was like I wanted
that motherly love, like Iwanted someone that that wanted
me back.
Donisha (12:52):
And it was like I'm sorry.
We all yearn for that.
Chrissy A. (12:55):
Yeah.
Donisha (12:56):
When we don't grow up with our moms, go ahead.
Chrissy A. (12:58):
And it was a fear that I developed of rejection.
I even like growing up as a kidI played every instrument that
I could.
I played the violin, the viola,the cello, I played the
clarinet, I was in cheerleading,I was in praise dance and I
went to church every Sunday.
I prayed all the time, like Iwas just so active.
(13:20):
And I did all these thingsbecause rewards came with them
and I was just hoping that oneday my mom would just show up
you know what I mean.
Like she would just show up,like if I had enough assemblies
to go to, if I had enoughrecitals to go to, if I had
enough dance, you know what I'msaying then she would show up to
something and it developed thatcodependency like I need that.
(13:46):
I need that and I don't feelthat validation and I don't feel
like that void has, even stillto this day, being completely
filled, because sometimes I findmyself needing validation for
things, like when I'm in danceclass and I'm dancing, and
sometimes the instructor wouldbe like, oh yeah, you did that
(14:10):
real good to somebody else andI'm like, well, shit, I did it
good too.
Like sometimes my mind doesthat and I have to tell it to
like no, calm down, we ain'tthere.
You know what I mean.
Like it's always that, thatvoice, that inner voice in your
head, that want to pull you backto the old version of you when
you're trying to be a healedversion that's the egotistic
(14:30):
mindset.
Donisha (14:31):
It caused attachment issues because you wanted that
thing so, so bad.
And I feel like that's kind ofwith me as well, like even with
the liking women aspect ofeverything.
Like I gave the man thing a trybut I knew deep down I never
like was really interested inmen and I really think it's
because I always yearn for thatmotherly love and that's why
when I do date women, I look tosee how they are with their kids
(14:53):
and if you're not a good parent, I don't want to like deal with
you or be around you, becauseit's like I suffered that I
suffered from that.
So for me to be around you andyou try to be up under me and I
see how you are with your kids,like that's taking me back to my
childhood as to when my parentwas absent or something like
that.
Chrissy A. (15:09):
But yeah, and I do feel like that, the importance
of going back to the solitudething, the importance of
solitude and sitting in it,because a lot of people don't
want to sit in the state ofbeing alone.
And I know people who, becauseI used to be one of these people
, that are like, oh well, Idon't have to be alone and
(15:31):
people say you have to be aloneand do this and do that.
But I'm just a person that lovelove and I want to love people
and I want love and I want this.
But it was just a distraction.
It was a distraction fromgetting to know who I really am
and the point of the solitudethat I was getting to was I
(15:53):
would not have known things thattrigger me.
I would not have known that mydependency on motherly love, the
absence of my mom not beingthere there, made me codependent
and a people pleaser.
I wouldn't have known any ofthat if I didn't sit into my
(16:13):
solitude, if I didn't saybecause the thing is, once
you're in a relationship for avery long time and like it's
just you and that person all thetime, y'all always with each
other, y'all always spendingtime with each other.
Once that separates, it's like,damn, now I gotta be with
(16:36):
myself.
Who am I?
Donisha (16:37):
that was the question who the hell am I?
I asked myself that questionwhen that happened, and it's
crazy because do I like me yeahbut go ahead, but not go ahead.
I cut you off.
It's just like I be trying tohurt yourself.
Forget the thought.
But now it is the who am I?
Because that's one of the firstquestions I asked myself like,
okay, what do I do now?
Like I don't have her anymore,like what the fuck are we gonna
(17:00):
do?
And I'm glad that I did gothrough what I went through to
force me into that moment ofsolitude, that season of
solitude, because I learned somuch about myself, and pain
really help you with your growth.
That's the next step.
You know what I'm saying.
You have to go through this inorder to get what you asked me
for.
Basically, you know the mosthigh and just being able to just
(17:22):
sit with myself and learn thedifferent techniques on how to
calm myself, actually feelingthat feeling inside.
Because when we go throughdifferent things and challenges,
we get this type of emotion andsometimes we don't even know
what that feeling might be.
You might have probably foundyourself saying, oh, I just feel
some type of way.
I don't know how to explain it.
You sit with yourself and yourbody actually talks to you if
you just listen.
(17:42):
But we be having so much goingon up here where we just, oh, I
can't sit by myself, I can'tmeditate, I can't do this, I
can't do that, but we alreadycasting spells on ourselves on
saying what we can't do becausewe never tried it.
Chrissy A. (17:53):
It's foreign, it's gonna be uncomfortable and just
to touch on the meditation point, a lot of people that try to
even attempt meditation.
What I would say to you isdon't stop, because what happens
is once we, the first time wesit down in meditation, our
(18:14):
brain is working to try and tellus what's uncomfortable for us,
and that's when you realizethat it's working.
A lot of people think that allthis ain't working because you
think your mind is supposed toshut off instantly, and that's
not the case.
Like your mind never reallyshuts off, you just put it in a
state of peace.
That's what meditation leadsyou to, because if your mind
(18:35):
shuts off, you're dead.
No fact, you're just not alive.
So, just to speak on that,meditation is a key ingredient
into learning how to calmyourself down and I feel like
that, to be in an actualrelationship because, let's face
it, this is our audience.
(18:56):
Our audience want to berelationship savvy, right so to
be.
Before you even get into thatrelationship, learning to calm
yourself down in situations isvery essential, because baby
very vital, baby partnership issuch a beautiful thing, but it
(19:19):
is a challenge.
Every single day there's a newchallenge ahead and some
challenges you might, in thatmoment, fail, but it doesn't
mean that you can't succeed inthat specific thing.
That makes sense.
I know it makes sense to youbecause we we go through these
things.
Donisha (19:39):
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a thing of you failing,
like it's no such thing asfailing, like I feel like it's a
lesson, a learning lesson.
Okay, this triggered me whenyou did this.
Okay, let's sit down andcommunicate about it.
Let's try to figure out a toolor something that we can do
moving forward.
Chrissy A. (19:54):
So once we do hit this bump in the road again, we
know to know how to proceedwithout, it's a fail, it's a no,
it's a failing moment, becauseit's like, okay, like I was
telling him early, we get if youtake a test, right.
And let's just say we in schoolwe take a test.
We don't pass that test, whatis it?
(20:14):
We fell in it, right, but it'salso no, no, just just.
Donisha (20:18):
Yeah, we fell in it right.
Chrissy A. (20:20):
But if we're able to take that test again, the same
exact test, we know where wewent wrong.
So now we can change up the waywe answer those questions.
That's where your lesson is.
So it's still a fail in alesson.
In the same sense, a fail isn'ta negative thing, and I think
we we make it as okay, I can seethat if you fail, you can't,
(20:44):
you can't try again.
Failing is a key to learning alesson.
Once you realize I didn't dogood in this area, if you put
your mind to I, I didn't fail, Ididn't fail.
It's like you you tellingyourself that you've already
accomplished this.
But you haven't you failed atit?
(21:06):
It is okay that you did notsucceed, as long as you get up
and you try again so you don'tgive up.
Donisha (21:12):
So you don't think that like okay, so the universe
don't know, like, when you'retalking about negative things
and positive things, and thesubconscious mind plays a part
in all of it, it gets stuck yoursubconscious.
So, since people use failure asa negative word, you don't
think that, like, that sits inour subconscious mind of saying
that, oh, I'm a failure I thinkthat, if I think your
subconscious mind, whatever youteach it, whatever you teach it,
(21:35):
that's what it understands,okay, so if you like, a computer
basically yeah, if you teach itthat failure is a bad thing and
you can't do anything outsideof failure, like once you fail,
that's it.
Chrissy A. (21:47):
Then now OK, you know I'm saying now you're
you're putting yourself in a badposition.
But if you look at failure as asense to be able to try again
and do again and repeat andlearn from those lessons, then
you setting yourself up fornothing.
But success okay, just becauseyou are in a midst of solitude
(22:12):
does not mean you have to bebored in it.
That's right.
You can definitely enjoyyourself.
I know people who, um, arethirsty for a relationship right
now.
Yeah, and it's like I want tobe in a relationship.
I want some, and it's always areason why, like, I think a lot
of single moms would love to bein a relationship, because I
(22:35):
spoke about this on the lastpodcast would love to be in a
relationship because, um, it'shard trying to parent on your
own and when you don't have thatsupport system.
It's like you know you need thatmale figure, you know you need
that partnership to help you inthose moments.
(22:56):
So a lot of women I'm gonna behonest, a lot of women out here
are thirsty for a relationship.
Yeah, and I'm here to say justcalm down.
Donisha (23:06):
Take your time because, baby, this is the longest I've
been outside of a relationshipand it's going on what the year.
It's my longest time by myself.
I never had time like by myselfin between times, like I went
from relationship torelationship to relationships,
cause I always needed that, thatcodependency, like I always
needed something or someone justfor me to feel love, and that
(23:29):
was me lacking self-love.
I do feel like solitude is aform of self-love, because when
you can sit by yourself and becomfortable with yourself and
actually enjoy your own company,that's you putting yourself
before anybody else and that'swhere I'm at right now yourself
before anybody else and that'swhere I'm at right now.
So a lot of times, like when Ido like step back out into the
dating, dating world, um, I knowwhat I want and what I don't
(23:50):
want like I get it the wholegist of oh, if it's something
you want, you want to, you knowyou got to fight for it.
But me I'm at a point where, ifit's something, I'm checking
out boxes as soon as I walkthrough the door knock, knock,
knock, come in.
Oh shit, no, no, oh, okay, no,because it's like I love myself
that much and I allow so much Iwouldn't say disrespect, but I
(24:12):
allow so much stuff that Ishould have been nipped in the
bud.
I ignored all the red flags, Iignored everything, just because
I just wanted.
Chrissy A. (24:20):
I was infatuated with the thought of being in
love when you have that need forlove, when you have that thirst
for love, you will acceptanything and I say this all the
time, but it's so true, likeyou'll be, like you'll find
something.
You'll compare this personthat's in front of you to your
(24:41):
last relationship and if theynot doing that one thing that
irritated you about the lastrelationship and they check off
that one box, it's like okay,well, I can deal with the other
shit.
But now you in thisrelationship and you find other
boxes, that needs to be likeuh-uh, I don't like this.
And you find yourself dealingwith it because you think less
(25:02):
of yourself, yourself dealingwith it because you don't.
You think less of yourself andyou don't think that you're
worthy of someone who meets allof the standards that you have,
or you haven't spent time inyour solitude to even understand
what it is that you want in thefirst place that's facts heavy
because, like the next time I dostep into the relationship,
like I know, I'm gonna sit withmyself and I'm gonna check off
(25:22):
and write down the things that Ilike, the characteristics I
would want within my partner.
Donisha (25:26):
You know what I'm saying.
It's not just about I wouldn'tsay just about what I love, but
also the characteristics and thetraits that they they carry as
well.
So it's a thing of, yeah, Imight like this and they might
not have it down pat where Ineed it to be or where I want to
be, but that's just like Ican't walk into something
setting high expectations.
I just have to like, I guess,experience a person, because
that's what we're here to doanyway.
(25:46):
So how about I love myself, youlove yourself and we just
experience each other withinloving ourselves?
Sir Anthony (25:54):
that's always what I stole that from, I think, jada
Pinkett her podcast.
She said happiness is selfish.
Yeah, so you should be.
You shouldn't worry aboutsomebody making you happy, and
that's what society goes wrongthey want.
You're my mate, you're supposedto make me happy you're
(26:14):
supposed to be happy yourself.
You're supposed to be happyyourself, and we bring that
happiness together and share itexactly and then and that.
Chrissy A. (26:22):
And I think people take that at face value because
I hear a lot of people sayingjust exactly and that.
And I think people take that atface value because I hear a lot
of people saying just that, butI don't think people really
understand what it means,because then you have those same
people that say things likethat and be like well, my love,
come with conditions.
And it's like when you pickthis is why it's essential to
understand who you are yeah,because when you pick the person
(26:46):
that you mesh well with, youare going to have conflict,
because it's two people comingtogether with two different
experiences in life.
That's facts.
Two different upbringings, twodifferent, mostly, values.
Like we might have the samevalues, but the way we want to
(27:08):
get there might be different,you know.
Or the way we push ourselvesmight be different.
And it's like if you don'tunderstand who you are and you
don't pick a partner that wouldmet, that you will mesh well
with, then you do have thatcodependency and then you do
depend on that person.
It's not about I'm happy bymyself or you happy by yourself.
(27:31):
It's more like, well, you'renot doing the things that I
actually like.
So because you're not doing thethings that I like.
That's still a form of you haveto make me happy?
Donisha (27:40):
yeah, it is.
It's like you put youprojecting on.
Basically, you're projectingbecause you lack something
within yourself, so now you'regonna throw it off on the other
person, like this is yourresponsibility, when all my
responsibility is is come hereand experience you, because
that's what we're here to do isexperience each other.
So us putting those highexpectations up and things of
that nature, like I'm not gonnasay that, I'm just gonna be like
(28:03):
, oh shit, I don't like the wayyou sit down, I can't fuck with
you, like it's not gonna benothing, like that.
I mean, I will give it a chanceto give it a try.
But that's where the datingperiod comes.
You know what I'm saying.
Where you get a feel for thatperson.
You get the experience, you getthat trial.
You know that seven-day trial?
Yeah, all right, I didn't giveit a little taste, not like a
seven-day trial.
Chrissy A. (28:23):
Yeah, all right, I didn't get a little taste not
like a free trial.
Sir Anthony (28:26):
I know this ain't for me.
Donisha (28:27):
You're gonna keep that credit card on fire exactly, and
that's kind of what it comedown to.
And then another thing, um isabout self-sabotaging.
When you do have something goodor someone great for you or
good for you, you find anylittle reason to self-sabotage
and be like nah, but what ifthis go wrong?
What if that go wrong?
Because, like you, due to pasttrauma, that's what you sat in.
Chrissy A. (28:49):
I think that has some sense of normalcy in it,
though, because 90% of what ourthoughts are repeated every day.
Right, so it takes.
They say it takes 21 days tobreak a habit.
I say it take a little bitlonger, but we're going to use
the 21 day, all right.
(29:09):
However, outside of the point,it's like when I, when I was
with you, I never experienced alove like ours.
Donisha (29:23):
So for me, I'd rather start singing.
I want to name something okaywho's singing?
That's I'm walking.
That's my mama.
Yeah, that's on my hood I'llkill you, yeah yeah, that's the
name of the song yeah, that'swhy she said it like that
thirsty, I kill you, I kill yourass, no, but um, I never
(29:47):
experienced a love like oursbefore.
Chrissy A. (29:52):
So in the beginning of our relationship, because of
all the trauma that I've dealtwith in previous relationships,
I felt like um, and not evenjust previous relationships.
Even with childhood trauma andmy abandonment issues, I felt
like I needed to.
(30:12):
At certain points, when youwasn't giving me certain
attention, that social mediatell you how a man and a woman
should be and a woman should be,which is absolutely insane, um,
absurd.
Oh my god, it's so crazy.
We'll get to that point in aminute.
That's a whole nother topic.
Yeah, but when, when you didn'tprohibit certain behaviors, that
(30:37):
somebody was like uh-uh, heain't interested in you, like
social media would tell me thatyou was a red flag because of
certain things.
So in my mind, I was imaginingyou being a red flag.
So, before you could break myheart or hurt me, I was starting
to self-sabotage.
But I caught it, though, andthat's what I mean by it's.
(31:05):
You have to sit into yoursolitude to understand you, to
know you, because if I did notsit in that solitude, if I did
not spend time by myself, if Idid not know who Christiana was,
if I did not know I had thesechildhood traumas.
If I did not know I hadabandonment issues, I wouldn't
have been able to recognize thatand we wouldn't even be
together right now and I wouldhave made myself believe that
(31:26):
you were the problem.
Sir Anthony (31:27):
What was one of your favorite moments in your
solitude and for me, mydistraction was I was rebuilding
my marketing company and thiswas around the time everybody
started getting their 20,000 andeverybody want to start a
business and I'm at thebeginning and middle stages of
that.
To help you get after you getyour formation of it, you're
(31:49):
going to need a logo you'regoing to need a website
marketing yeah, I was settingeverybody up getting the
trademarks and all of that goodstuff done, so I had enough
healthy distraction to where I'mbuilding a business, because I
already saw the foresight thatthe unemployment was going to
stop.
The money was going to stop theum 12, what's a 1400.
(32:10):
All of that was going to stopand I'm like I can't be
dependent on the government.
We all were, because youcouldn't go to work unless you
were essential worker.
Chrissy A. (32:18):
I was an essential worker.
Sir Anthony (32:20):
I was, so I quit on the ass.
Donisha (32:22):
I quit on the ass too.
Sir Anthony (32:23):
I got six months of free money, though and I built
the business to help me distractmyself from that, and that is
where I was really.
Same thing, cooking um,chilling, um.
I didn't go to the gym but,little you know, calisthenics
workout at home.
And then the little travel thatthey allowed you to do.
Donisha (32:42):
Oh, I was gone now I got a question for you.
Um, in the midst of all of that, have you ever thought about
like seeking therapy?
Sir Anthony (32:51):
I didn't, no, only she's been big on it.
And then that is what's gonnaget me into it, because I now
I'm seeing the power of it buton my own, I probably wouldn't
have went.
Donisha (33:03):
No, I totally understand, because the same
thing for me, like the onlything that encouraged me to go
was my ex, like she just keptsaying you don't want to.
I had the same response allblack people have.
I ain't, finna, go tell nostranger my business, because
that's what we talk.
You know what I'm saying.
However, them with some other,some of the most rawest, dopest
fucking conversations ever, andit's like you telling a person
(33:24):
different ways you handle thingsand they're telling you well,
how about you work on it thisway?
Or all they trying to do isgive you suggestions to see what
worked for you, because you'regoing to therapy for yourself,
you basically just going thereto really be the mirror for
yourself.
But that was just a questionthat I had so what was your
favorite moment?
Sir Anthony (33:44):
oh, because that was the question was that I
rebuilt the company from whatthe world was deeming as
destruction.
We was in pandemic andisolation, but for me, I was
having a great time.
I was learning new things, Iwas helping other business
owners and I was making a lot ofmoney at the same time.
Chrissy A. (34:05):
Let's go.
The pandemic was my favoritesolitude moment too, though I
think I can't say mine was.
Donisha (34:11):
I think I was upset, but my favorite thing, sitting
in my solitude, was basicallygetting to know myself Because,
like once again I did say that Ididn't know who I was, because
I was so codependent on otherpeople for my happiness, for my
pleasures and for just lifeperiod and my experiences, to
the point where, when I was ableto sit by myself, I started to
(34:34):
okay, donisha, what do you like,who are you?
And it helped me really try tolike pull back those layers to
figure out who I was.
Chrissy A. (34:42):
I feel like sometimes, when we have our
moments of disagreement, that isbecause we just need a break
from each other, like we justneed those moments to ourselves.
Like one time we had adisagreement and you came in
(35:03):
there because you wanted me tofinish something and I'm just
like I just need a minute, likesometimes you you really do, and
you respected my minute that Ineeded.
So I appreciate that you mightnot have been happy about it,
but you respected it and that'sall I can ask for.
Um, but what I used to do whenI was in my previous
(35:24):
relationship is I used to go geta hotel room once a month on a
weekend.
I used to spend a weekend in ahotel room by myself, meditating
, praying, listening to gospeland spending time with me and
(35:52):
and God.
Like that was my replenishingmoment, you know, and I still
feel like that's essential andthat's necessary, like I don't
think I should have gave up that.
And I know some people might belike you're going to, you're in
a whole relationship, you'regoing to a hotel once a weekend,
what you doing?
The hotel?
No, I literally enjoy the timethat I spend with God alone,
(36:16):
because I feel like in thosemoments I hear him clearer and I
fast during those times too.
So it's just like with my lastrelationship, those weekends
that I spent in that hotel.
Every weekend I spent in ahotel.
God told me now Chrissy, youknow damn well, I didn't put you
(36:37):
in this relationship, youforcing it.
Donisha (36:40):
Yeah let this shit.
Chrissy A. (36:42):
Go going back to you and how you feel like it would
be essential for, even in arelationship with me, for you to
have those moments that you canspend alone.
Because I hear you talkingabout how you traveled and how
you did this and how you didthat by yourself and how you
(37:03):
enjoyed it.
Because you can move around theway you wanted to move around,
like how essential for you is itTo still have solitude In our
relationship.
Sir Anthony (37:14):
Yeah, as long as I can go down to Indy and see my
homeboy Terry.
Yeah, as long as I can go downto Indy and see my homeboy Terry
yeah.
That's good enough for me.
Donisha (37:20):
Yeah.
Sir Anthony (37:21):
Yeah.
Donisha (37:23):
Okay, can I?
Um, can I, because he soundlike he was wrapping it up real
fast.
Sir Anthony (37:30):
That's all I'm like , I mean, that's really all I do
.
Donisha (37:32):
That's all you got.
Chrissy A. (37:33):
Yeah, so you don't think that you need like just
space for?
Donisha (37:38):
you alone.
I feel like some of his spaceis when he in his zone doing his
work, because I be hearing youup.
I can't answer on my baby whilehe working.
I can't answer on my man.
That's what you say.
You don't say baby, you say myman, I do.
I didn't even know your namefor a while because Motherfucker
said your name on who, becausemy fucking said your name, I'm
who.
Chrissy A. (37:56):
Who is that?
My man, my man, my man.
Donisha (37:58):
I was about to tell him my fucking.
No, I'm my sister.
Sir Anthony (38:02):
man, that's who we, my sister man, who is your
sister man?
Donisha (38:06):
Shit, I don't know.
Her man, him right there.
Just because that's all you say, my man.
That's what his name?
Chrissy A. (38:16):
was.
That's all y'all needed to knowthat that's my man.
Donisha (38:18):
But for me, with the solitude thing and that's funny
that you asked that questionabout that, because, like that's
been a thought in the back ofmy mind for a while Like I did,
like after my breakup, give ittime to really just be by myself
and actually go through thehealing process and things of
that nature, you know, toactually that in order to heal.
So when it came I'm not gonnalie, I'm gonna be honest 100% it
(38:43):
came to a point where I wasafraid to even open up or feel
that feeling, to even try to seeif I can love someone again the
way that I love you know whatI'm saying like it kind of
closed me up, especially myheart, because now it's like I
gotta protect this shit.
That's something I done.
Felt that I don't want to feelagain, so I was scared.
You know what I'm saying.
(39:03):
But I know it's inevitable forme to get back out here and
start dating and whatever, when,when I'm ready.
So when I do start dating, I dowant that to be a conversation
like when we get in a talkingstage you're getting know one
another.
I want to be able to lay downthings what I need or not, what
I need or how would.
I would like to proceed on metime, because I don't want to
(39:24):
lose that me time, becausethat's one thing that I realize
in a lot of relationships,especially nowadays, is we lose
that individuality within theserelationships.
So it's a thing of once youlose that individuality, once
that relationship don't work outbecause, yes, they can be there
, y'all could be going hard,strong, good in that moment, but
it could just be a season, andonce that season is over, then
(39:45):
what you know so so that hasbeen another episode of Pure
Intentions podcast.
Chrissy A. (39:54):
I do want to leave y'all with this.
It is very, very important thatyou learn yourself, you know
yourself, you understand what itis that you need for you before
you actually get into arelationship, and understanding
yourself and knowing yourself isbreaking down those deep rooted
things like your childhoodtrauma, your adulthood trauma,
(40:20):
all your trauma, andunderstanding your likes, your
dislikes all of that past asurface level.
I want y'all to continue to beintentional about dating,
intentional, loving yourselves,loving other people and
relationships.
They ain't easy, but they arebeautiful.
(40:42):
So keep watching us so you canlearn more keys and tips and
tricks.
Well, no tricks, there are notricks here, but keys and tips
on how to be intentional in adating world.
And there we have it.
See you next week.
Donisha (41:03):
Peace.
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