July 14, 2023 • 27 mins
When her husband passed away suddenly, Debbie was widowed without warning at the age of 35 with 4 young boys. In our discussion, she weaves through the terror of losing Aaron, the heartbreak of explaining the tragedy to her four young boys, and the struggle to keep her faith amidst the darkest storm she'd ever faced.
Debbie's story isn't just about loss and grief, it's one of resilience, hope, and faith that will challenge your perspective on life. With raw emotions and heartfelt wisdom, Debbie takes us along her journey navigating the unfathomable tide of grief while finding strength in her faith and community. She reminds us all that even though tomorrow is not guaranteed, we can trust our unknown future to a known God. Don't miss this episode. It's a testament to the human spirit's indomitable power to overcome adversity and keep pushing forward.
https://www.debbiewilkinsbaisden.com/
#widowedwithchildren #widow #suddenloss #grief #faith #deathofspouse
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michelle (00:10):
Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope.
I'm Michelle Heaton.
In each episode of the show, wetalk about loss, the type of
loss we experienced, the pain ofloss, the grieving process, how
(00:35):
we cope and, ultimately, thelessons we learned and how we
were changed by the loss.
Well, today I really want tofocus on the change part.
If you're listening now, youmost likely have experienced the
pain of loss and you know nowthat life is not the same
anymore.
But how did it change you?
(00:56):
Let's talk about the ways.
Well, my guest today certainlyhas a story to tell about the
impact of loss in her life.
In the summer of 2012, she waswidowed without warning when her
35-year-old husband diedsuddenly, leaving her and their
four young boys behind.
From that day forward, she wasfaced with every hard thing,
(01:20):
from having to break the news tothe kids, how to plan a
memorial and pick out funeralclothes, to living each new day
after that as a widowed mom at35 years old.
But she's with me today becauseshe has a very inspirational
story to tell.
She's a writer and speakerwho's passionate about lifting
(01:42):
up others through herdown-to-earth style that both
teaches and affirms a reader.
Her name is Debbie Baisden andit's my great pleasure to have
her as my guest on the showtoday.
Welcome to Qualified Debbie.
Debbie (01:56):
Thank you, it's a privilege to be your guest.
Michelle (01:59):
Thank you Great to have you Well, debbie.
When you and I talked before,we talked about both of our
losses and the changes that tookplace in our lives as a result,
so I definitely want to sharethat with our listeners today.
But before we go there, can youtell us about what occurred on
that day back in August of 2012,when Aaron was suddenly taken
(02:22):
from this world?
Debbie (02:24):
Yeah, it was a wonderful vacation actually that our sons
and I were on with my husbandAaron's parents.
So they live near the beach, soit was a nice four-hour drive
from our home and my husband hadstayed behind to have peace and
quiet to rejoin us later.
And at first it was simplytrying to text my husband and
(02:48):
him not responding, and at firstI brushed it off.
I knew that he was busy, don'tbother him, don't be a nagging
wife.
But by the time the son hadsaid I still hadn't heard from
him, he hadn't called thechildren like he normally would,
and it was at that point I toldmy in-laws that I was worried.
So I called my neighbor andsaid hey, can you just run by my
(03:09):
house and see if my husband'splaying a joke or just too busy
to use his phone?
Maybe his phone's broken.
So he kindly went over thereand said Debbie, he's not there.
Do you want me to drive aroundand try to look for him?
And I absolutely was inagreement with that.
And so he actually quickly foundAaron's car behind the school
(03:29):
where he worked as a PE teacherand athletic director.
So it was very common for hiscar to be at the school because
he always had tasks to do, evenin the summertime.
And he said I see his car.
Debbie, I don't see him.
It's really dark.
This is weird.
I feel uncomfortable.
We have to involve more people.
I can't be alone in all of this.
(03:50):
And again still reassured thisis all nothingness.
He's probably playing a joke.
I said, ok, well, let's getsome people over there.
So lots of friends and familygathered behind the school to
look around the car try to callhim walk around and see where he
could be.
And it got to the point whereit was closer to midnight and my
(04:14):
neighbor called me back andsaid this is really serious.
I think you need to call thepolice.
Wow.
Michelle (04:21):
Well, that must have been so frightening for you.
On the one hand, you think he'sprobably okay and that there's
some other problem, and thenyou're starting to entertain the
possibility that something veryserious has happened.
So you agree to call the policeand file a missing persons
report.
What happened next?
Debbie (04:41):
So I call the police and say this is so dumb.
I don't know why I'm callingyou, but I haven't talked to my
husband in a really long time.
I'm out of town and don't knowwhere he is and apparently I'm
filing a missing person report.
I felt like I was on a movieset saying these words, and so
the police were dispatched, wentwhere his car was and that's
(05:03):
kind of the beginning of thenightmare where by 1 am I was
overcome with worry and so Itold my in-laws I'm going home
right now, and my mother-in-lawjoined me.
We drove through the night from1 am to 5 am and pulled on to
the school grounds and that wasvery eerie.
(05:25):
I there was this silence, avery creepy silence, as people
had been looking for him becausebehind that school is about 100
acres of woods, so he couldhave been anywhere.
And they said do you know wherehe would be in this big expanse
?
And I said no, I'm always homewith four little kids.
I don't know where he goes.
(05:45):
So they had called everybodyout of the woods.
They had tried search dogs.
That was unsuccessful.
They were sending an infraredhelicopter to look for him.
That was on the way.
They were getting a rookie teamready to have a more structured
search through the woods to tryto find where he was and what
was going on.
(06:06):
And I was very worried.
I kept trying to think the best.
Surely everything's fine, it'sjust a probably a broken leg.
He's going to jump out of thebushes at any point.
And so once the sun barelystarted coming up at about 7am,
his sister said I'm going to gofind my brother and you're not
(06:26):
going to stop me.
And so she went into the woodsand within seconds we heard a
very loud shriek from the forestand I knew at that moment I
would never forget this soundand that obviously something was
very bad.
So everybody ran into the woods, except for me.
(06:47):
I stood there as if dryingconcrete was holding my feet to
the ground, and very rapidly Ihad a police officer come up to
me and in my mind I'm like don'twalk up to me, don't let this
happen.
And he said those famous wordswe see in movies of I'm sorry to
tell you your husband isdeceased.
(07:08):
And that still is weird to saytoday.
That's still foreign.
Michelle (07:16):
Oh, debbie, I am so sorry that you had to hear those
words, and you're so right.
It's devastating beyond wordsto explain how you feel when
someone tells you that yourloved one is deceased.
It's something you're neverprepared for.
So thank you for sharing thedetails of the story.
I know it's hard.
So here you are, trying toabsorb the gravity of what you
(07:40):
just heard.
You're with your mother-in-lawand your boys are still several
hours away with yourfather-in-law, and you know that
you face the horrific task ofhaving to tell the boys that
they've lost their dad.
Can you talk about how all thatwent, given your own fragile
emotional state?
Debbie (08:00):
After Aaron was found in the woods, I looked at my
mother-in-law who screamed andthen called her husband.
My sweet father-in-law putthose four boys in the car to
come home.
Without saying a word, withoutshedding a tear.
He had to hold it together andbe as stoic as possible, knowing
his son was in heaven.
(08:20):
And so I had four hours toprepare to see our little babies
, who at the time were eight,seven, four and four.
So I was escorted home bypolice, knowing that he said
listen, the media may get windof this.
You may have journalists acrossthe street.
They could be anywhere.
You need to be prepared forthis.
He's a teacher in the community.
(08:41):
This happened on school grounds,and so I had four hours to
attempt to process thisinformation, not very
successfully, of course.
And I remember sitting on ourbed and I heard the boys come
through the front door, becausethey're loud and rambunctious,
and the sound was getting louderand louder as they were getting
(09:01):
closer and closer to thatbedroom door.
And they come tumbling throughthe door why are we home?
Why are there so many cars here?
Why are there so many people inour house?
And in those moments I amsilently pleading don't let this
be true.
No, this is fake.
This is a nightmare.
Pinch me and wake up.
Don't make me hurt my kids.
(09:24):
As a mom, that's our number onething.
I just wanna protect my babies.
Put it all on my shouldersSomehow magically, and I
couldn't.
I can't change what's permanent.
And so they sat on the bed andI'm forcing my tongue to move to
form words.
It really I felt very stuck andjust so numb, not able to
(09:48):
process it myself as an adult.
And so I looked at them andsaid I really need you to be
quiet.
Please do not interrupt me.
I have to tell you something.
Please know that I love you.
And again, I'm still in theback of my mind saying please
don't let this be true.
This can't be true.
No way, don't make me do this.
And magically I said I love youso much.
(10:12):
I am sorry to tell you that yourdaddy was working on his deer
stand and it was really high upin a very tall tree, and somehow
he felt there was an accident.
Maybe he slipped and he felldown and he is dead, and I am
really sorry.
He is in heaven.
If we had known this accidentwas gonna happen, we would have
(10:33):
prevented it.
I love you and I, just fromthere, I just unraveled, I was
sobbing relentlessly and theywere very quiet.
There weren't tears, there wasjust this look of shock, of
course, and that was a momentthat I knew was a defining
moment, that if you're ever incounseling as an adult, this is
(10:55):
gonna be the first sentence thatyou tell your therapist is.
When I was X years old, my daddied, and so it was a lot of
disbelief and just lots ofhugging and again me wailing and
sobbing like crazy.
Michelle (11:12):
Debbie, again, I'm so sorry that you had to go
through this and I understandthe feeling of not ever wanting
to intentionally hurt our kids,but in reality you had no choice
.
They had to know and for youthe trauma had to cut so deep as
you were having to process thefact that you'd be a widow now,
at such a young age, with fouryoung children.
(11:33):
Well, I said in the intro thatyou're a writer and a speaker
and you share about yourexperience because you truly
wanna help other people who arefacing difficult losses like
yours.
And I read through several ofyour blog entries where you shed
light on some of your emotionsfollowing Aaron's passing.
(11:54):
And in one of the entries youdescribe your last goodbye with
Aaron.
You wrote in part I backed outof our driveway the way I had a
million times before, withAaron's face in my rear view
mirror.
Looking back was, ironically,all I would ever have of this
man.
I never imagined that the nexttime I would pull into that
(12:18):
driveway, life would be so verydifferent.
I didn't know that the nextview of my husband would be in a
casket.
Those are hard words to read,let alone write.
So, debbie, if you had tosummarize the way you felt that
day in two or three words.
(12:39):
What would they be and how didyou manage to move forward in
light of your intense grief?
Debbie (12:45):
Right.
I think I was devastated,nearly destroyed, definitely
paralyzed in pain and certainlystunned, and I think moving
forward was my only optionbecause the bittersweet blessing
of being a mom.
(13:05):
I don't know how I would havebeen if I had been childless,
especially in those first months, because I did have family
around for a couple of weeksliving in the house.
That was extremely helpful.
But I think, as time went on,kids don't tend to be very
patient or understanding.
(13:26):
When they're four, four, sevenand eight, they want breakfast,
they need a ride to school, andso that was something that, even
though it was outside of mycomfort zone because I wanted to
stay under the covers in bed,that wasn't an option for me.
I had to carry forward, and so Ithink I kind of learned to find
(13:46):
times where it was workable forme to grieve properly.
I would still break down infront of my kids.
I thought that was importantfor them to see me struggle in
my sadness, so that they couldstruggle in their sadness and
feel okay too.
But I think ultimately I had noother choice but to one foot at
(14:08):
a time in front of the other.
So initially, going to themailbox was about all I could
manage.
That was as far as I could go,so everything compounded as far
as how difficult it was to do.
Michelle (14:23):
Yeah, so having to be strong for your kids was
important for you, but notholding back your tears seems
very honest and real as well, sothat they had permission to
feel how they needed to feel.
I know for so many moms thatI've talked to who lose a spouse
or have lost another child,that requirement to keep
(14:43):
mothering is really a savinggrace.
And I love the fact that youtalked about finding time to
grieve properly, because youmade it a priority to take care
of yourself as well, and that'sgood.
And I also remember those tripsto the mailbox in those early
days after losing my son, Sean.
It felt like a journey of onlya few steps just to do that
(15:07):
simple task.
So I get it.
Well, I appreciate you sharingso much of what happened, how
you talked to your children andhow you felt emotionally back
then.
I think many people can relateto those feelings, but when you
and I talked initially, we bothshared how our loss has
radically changed us, and so Iwant to get into that now.
(15:29):
Many people talk about how lifeis never the same after losing
the loved one, but I want tohear your story of change.
You told me that losing Aaronhad a major impact on your
relationship with God.
Can you talk about that?
Debbie (15:46):
I think what I've realized is, before this loss,
how superficial my prayer timewas, how rushed my Bible study
was.
It was this convenientcomplacency, you know, like your
second place.
When his first place God issecond, I would tell you God was
(16:08):
first place.
But the way that I'm living,are you really or are you just
like?
Well, I'm a pretty good person.
If there's a crisis, I'll letyou know, but otherwise I'm
pretty independent, and so Idon't know how that drift
happened exactly, but I knowthat once I had this devastation
with desperation.
(16:30):
That was part of me learning youactually need to rely on God
for everything, even when timesare painless, and so, even when
my husband is being pulled outof the woods in this black body
bag, I'm having this silentinside conversation with God
(16:51):
going I'm yours, you got me.
I'm putting my face on theground.
I'm sold out.
Everything is yours.
I am no longer going to beunder the illusion that I am
spinning this planet, because Iam clearly not, and so, whatever
you want me to do, however, youwant me to live, because you're
all I have.
(17:11):
You really are the sustainer,because, in and of myself, I
will implode.
I will not be able to make thisno chance.
And so it was trusting in him,knowing I didn't know how it's
going to be a single mom to sayplease sustain me, refine me.
What lessons am I supposed tolearn through this loss?
(17:33):
Because ultimately we're allgoing to die?
So what are the lessons I'msupposed to learn while I'm
still here?
And so I think I had I'dfinally learned that lesson of
people are wonderful, but Goddoesn't leave or forsake.
And so I told him everything isyours, I give it all, full
(17:55):
surrender.
And even told God in thosemoments I'm actually jealous of
you because you get to see myhusband and I don't.
And, more importantly, myhusband gets to see the face of
God.
I'm like, what is that evenlike for y'all?
Right now, I'm down here in themost morning state I could be,
(18:20):
and you all are experiencingthis pain-free joy.
So that was a little bit of mywrestling, but I learned that he
was the only way that I wasgoing to be able to survive.
Michelle (18:33):
Wow, I love it, and I love the terminology used
devastation with desperation.
Very well said.
Loss like this really doesbring us to a fork in the road
and we have no choice but todecide how we're going to deal
with this pain on our own orwith God's help.
And thank you for so honestlysharing the place you were
(18:57):
before Aaron's death.
That you called a convenientcomplacency, because I think so
many of us can also relate tothat, but you concluded that
people will come and go, butthat God will never leave us.
Wow, well, back to your blog fora moment, because I read
something in there that I thinkis important to talk about, and
(19:20):
that is that guilt can take overas we begin to move forward
after a loss.
You shared about strugglingwith the idea of laughing,
having a good time with friends,enjoying a glass of wine and
even thinking about dating again, and I remember that place in
my grieving process.
I felt like I was dishonoringmy son if I let myself laugh or
(19:43):
smile too much, as weird as thatmay sound to some, but I know
you get it.
In your blog entry, you getinto this kind of detail and you
talk about your own deeplypersonal experiences.
Tell us why you think it'simportant to do that and what
you hope to convey to yourreaders in doing this.
Debbie (20:04):
You know, I think I'm a pretty unfiltered person by
nature.
I like things of depth versusthe superficial with
conversation.
But I think my goal has been weshould marvel in the mundane
monotony and you're like, no,but the days are long and
they're repetitive, and everyday is Groundhog Day.
(20:26):
It's so vanilla how ourexistence is and I'm like, yes,
embrace that, embrace doinglaundry, embrace doing dishes,
embrace snuggling your kids andkissing your husband.
These are all amazing treasuresthat are so easy to take for
granted.
So my goal is number one topoint people to the goodness of
(20:51):
God, no matter what that we are,to love Him as much as we love
ourselves, and hopefully more.
But to put Him first andsecondly, to cherish the now
Because, like you said when Ipulled out of that driveway, of
course I'm gonna see you in afew days, because we're gonna
die in our sleep when we're 99.
Of course that is absolutelythe plan that I had told God,
(21:15):
right.
And so I think, to remindpeople of God's truths not my
truths, because my truths arefickle and unreliable but to say
God is as good as His word sayshe is.
And so I think, instead ofbeing like oh, what a sad story,
or that poor lady with herfamily.
Instead, it's like this is agood moment, I hope, when I
(21:39):
share about all of this.
Take an accurate assessment ofyour, get a finger on the pulse
of your now.
What does that look like?
Do you need to work on yourmarriage, your finances, your
faith, your parenting, whateverit is, and take advantage of now
, because we are all on thisdivine countdown and not
promised tomorrow.
(22:00):
So that's my hope.
Michelle (22:02):
Yes, that is so good.
All those seemingly small lifemoments are really what it's all
about Loving our husbands, ourkids, finding gratitude and
having laundry to do, food tocook, a house to clean.
It's all a blessing, and Iappreciate the reminder about
savoring the mundane, like yousay.
(22:22):
I think it's a message we allprobably need to hear and
re-hear.
So, Debbie, again I appreciateeverything you've shared today
and I just want to take a minuteand summarize some of your
wonderful insights.
You told us how being a motherwas a bittersweet blessing in
those difficult first few months, because you were kept busy by
(22:44):
caring for your children and yourealized the gift that was in
the midst of your pain.
You talked about the importanceof staying strong for the sake
of your kids, but also allowingthem to see your true feelings
so that they would understandthat it was okay for them to
grieve.
You realized your prayer lifeprior to Aaron's passing was
(23:05):
rushed and that you had becomespiritually complacent.
But you soon concluded that Godwas a sustainer of life and
that you needed towholeheartedly rely on him.
You encouraged us to marvel inthe mundane, embrace the
everyday tasks of life and toappreciate each day we're given.
(23:27):
You said, we are all on adivine countdown and that
tomorrow is not promised, so weshould take an accurate
assessment of our life todetermine the areas we need to
change.
Debbie, given everything thatyou've experienced losing Aaron,
walking through your own griefand walking with your kids
through theirs, and so much morewhat life lessons have you
(23:51):
learned that you can share withsomeone listening right now who
needs hope after a traumaticloss?
Debbie (23:58):
I think, just to acknowledge that your worst fear
may become a reality, becausethis was one of my biggest fears
.
But even if it does, god willshow up.
He is sufficient.
It's interesting that I thinkpain has purpose.
The Bible talks about howsuffering produces endurance,
character and hope.
Don't we all want these things?
(24:18):
Don't we all want a life thatreflects Jesus Christ?
I think to, like I said, kind ofassess if we're all on this
divine countdown.
Maybe you've got 50 minutes,maybe you have 50 years.
Who is first?
How do you want to live?
What do you want to do to leavea legacy in our lives, in other
people's lives, and that we cantrust this unknown future to a
(24:42):
known God, instead of saving himas almost like a statue on a
shelf that's collecting dust?
We're like, yeah, I'll get backto you, but you need to be
second place right now.
I think that going along withappreciating today is apologize,
serve, listen, encourage, hug,kiss.
(25:06):
Make every day significantinstead of waiting for things
like vacations or anniversariesor birthdays.
It's every day.
Those little things, even theannoyances, you will absolutely
crave.
Those are probably some of mylife lessons, but I think I'm
still learning so much.
Michelle (25:28):
Now, aren't we all?
Well, I love that advice, sowell said and so much wisdom
there, learned only by thetrials of this life that were
thrown your way.
You told me you have a favoriteBible verse that I think would
be so appropriate to close usout today.
Would you mind sharing thatwith us now?
Debbie (25:47):
It's Proverbs 31, verse 25, and the second half of that
says she can laugh at the daysto come.
That has you know like let'slook forward to the future with
joy.
Michelle (25:58):
Yeah, so beautiful we all aspire to be that Proverbs
31 woman.
Well, Debbie, I just want tothank you so much for agreeing
to come on the show today andfor sharing all about your life,
about Erin and your boys, andI'll put a link in the show
notes to your website so thatlisteners can read more about
you and what you're doing nowand again.
(26:20):
Thank you so much.
It was a pleasure meeting youand talking with you.
Debbie (26:24):
Thank you for allowing me to be a guest.
This is such a blessing.
Michelle (26:30):
So, for those of you listening, I hope you were as
inspired by listening to Debbieas I was.
She truly does walk the walkwhen it comes to her faith.
The biggest lesson she learnedupon losing Erin was that God is
sufficient in the midst of yourpain, and I loved it when she
said that suffering producesendurance, character and hope
(26:52):
something we all want in thislife, but we want those things
without the suffering.
She challenged us to take stockof our lives and consider how
we really want to live, sincetomorrow is not guaranteed, and
she said that we can trust ourunknown future to a known God.
Words of wisdom.
(27:13):
So it's my prayer that you'llremember to embrace the ordinary
and love deeper than you everhave before.
There are so many amazinglessons that we only learn in
our pain, so let's move forwardwiser, stronger and with a
greater purpose, and rememberthat someday, like Debbie, you
(27:35):
too will be able to help someoneelse with the lessons you
learned in your loss.
Thanks for listening.
Well, hey everybody, and welcome back to Qualified,
the place where incrediblepeople share their stories of
overcoming great adversity andloss to inspire you and give you
hope.
I'm Michelle Heaton.
In each episode of the show, wetalk about loss, the type of
loss we experienced, the pain ofloss, the grieving process, how
(00:35):
we cope and, ultimately, thelessons we learned and how we
were changed by the loss.
Well, today I really want tofocus on the change part.
If you're listening now, youmost likely have experienced the
pain of loss and you know nowthat life is not the same
anymore.
But how did it change you?
(00:56):
Let's talk about the ways.
Well, my guest today certainlyhas a story to tell about the
impact of loss in her life.
In the summer of 2012, she waswidowed without warning when her
35-year-old husband diedsuddenly, leaving her and their
four young boys behind.
From that day forward, she wasfaced with every hard thing,
(01:20):
from having to break the news tothe kids, how to plan a
memorial and pick out funeralclothes, to living each new day
after that as a widowed mom at35 years old.
But she's with me today becauseshe has a very inspirational
story to tell.
She's a writer and speakerwho's passionate about lifting
(01:42):
up others through herdown-to-earth style that both
teaches and affirms a reader.
Her name is Debbie Baisden andit's my great pleasure to have
her as my guest on the showtoday.
Welcome to Qualified Debbie.
Debbie (01:56):
Thank you, it's a privilege to be your guest.
Michelle (01:59):
Thank you Great to have you Well, debbie.
When you and I talked before,we talked about both of our
losses and the changes that tookplace in our lives as a result,
so I definitely want to sharethat with our listeners today.
But before we go there, can youtell us about what occurred on
that day back in August of 2012,when Aaron was suddenly taken
(02:22):
from this world?
Debbie (02:24):
Yeah, it was a wonderful vacation actually that our sons
and I were on with my husbandAaron's parents.
So they live near the beach, soit was a nice four-hour drive
from our home and my husband hadstayed behind to have peace and
quiet to rejoin us later.
And at first it was simplytrying to text my husband and
(02:48):
him not responding, and at firstI brushed it off.
I knew that he was busy, don'tbother him, don't be a nagging
wife.
But by the time the son hadsaid I still hadn't heard from
him, he hadn't called thechildren like he normally would,
and it was at that point I toldmy in-laws that I was worried.
So I called my neighbor andsaid hey, can you just run by my
(03:09):
house and see if my husband'splaying a joke or just too busy
to use his phone?
Maybe his phone's broken.
So he kindly went over thereand said Debbie, he's not there.
Do you want me to drive aroundand try to look for him?
And I absolutely was inagreement with that.
And so he actually quickly foundAaron's car behind the school
(03:29):
where he worked as a PE teacherand athletic director.
So it was very common for hiscar to be at the school because
he always had tasks to do, evenin the summertime.
And he said I see his car.
Debbie, I don't see him.
It's really dark.
This is weird.
I feel uncomfortable.
We have to involve more people.
I can't be alone in all of this.
(03:50):
And again still reassured thisis all nothingness.
He's probably playing a joke.
I said, ok, well, let's getsome people over there.
So lots of friends and familygathered behind the school to
look around the car try to callhim walk around and see where he
could be.
And it got to the point whereit was closer to midnight and my
(04:14):
neighbor called me back andsaid this is really serious.
I think you need to call thepolice.
Wow.
Michelle (04:21):
Well, that must have been so frightening for you.
On the one hand, you think he'sprobably okay and that there's
some other problem, and thenyou're starting to entertain the
possibility that something veryserious has happened.
So you agree to call the policeand file a missing persons
report.
What happened next?
Debbie (04:41):
So I call the police and say this is so dumb.
I don't know why I'm callingyou, but I haven't talked to my
husband in a really long time.
I'm out of town and don't knowwhere he is and apparently I'm
filing a missing person report.
I felt like I was on a movieset saying these words, and so
the police were dispatched, wentwhere his car was and that's
(05:03):
kind of the beginning of thenightmare where by 1 am I was
overcome with worry and so Itold my in-laws I'm going home
right now, and my mother-in-lawjoined me.
We drove through the night from1 am to 5 am and pulled on to
the school grounds and that wasvery eerie.
(05:25):
I there was this silence, avery creepy silence, as people
had been looking for him becausebehind that school is about 100
acres of woods, so he couldhave been anywhere.
And they said do you know wherehe would be in this big expanse
?
And I said no, I'm always homewith four little kids.
I don't know where he goes.
(05:45):
So they had called everybodyout of the woods.
They had tried search dogs.
That was unsuccessful.
They were sending an infraredhelicopter to look for him.
That was on the way.
They were getting a rookie teamready to have a more structured
search through the woods to tryto find where he was and what
was going on.
(06:06):
And I was very worried.
I kept trying to think the best.
Surely everything's fine, it'sjust a probably a broken leg.
He's going to jump out of thebushes at any point.
And so once the sun barelystarted coming up at about 7am,
his sister said I'm going to gofind my brother and you're not
(06:26):
going to stop me.
And so she went into the woodsand within seconds we heard a
very loud shriek from the forestand I knew at that moment I
would never forget this soundand that obviously something was
very bad.
So everybody ran into the woods, except for me.
(06:47):
I stood there as if dryingconcrete was holding my feet to
the ground, and very rapidly Ihad a police officer come up to
me and in my mind I'm like don'twalk up to me, don't let this
happen.
And he said those famous wordswe see in movies of I'm sorry to
tell you your husband isdeceased.
(07:08):
And that still is weird to saytoday.
That's still foreign.
Michelle (07:16):
Oh, debbie, I am so sorry that you had to hear those
words, and you're so right.
It's devastating beyond wordsto explain how you feel when
someone tells you that yourloved one is deceased.
It's something you're neverprepared for.
So thank you for sharing thedetails of the story.
I know it's hard.
So here you are, trying toabsorb the gravity of what you
(07:40):
just heard.
You're with your mother-in-lawand your boys are still several
hours away with yourfather-in-law, and you know that
you face the horrific task ofhaving to tell the boys that
they've lost their dad.
Can you talk about how all thatwent, given your own fragile
emotional state?
Debbie (08:00):
After Aaron was found in the woods, I looked at my
mother-in-law who screamed andthen called her husband.
My sweet father-in-law putthose four boys in the car to
come home.
Without saying a word, withoutshedding a tear.
He had to hold it together andbe as stoic as possible, knowing
his son was in heaven.
(08:20):
And so I had four hours toprepare to see our little babies
, who at the time were eight,seven, four and four.
So I was escorted home bypolice, knowing that he said
listen, the media may get windof this.
You may have journalists acrossthe street.
They could be anywhere.
You need to be prepared forthis.
He's a teacher in the community.
(08:41):
This happened on school grounds,and so I had four hours to
attempt to process thisinformation, not very
successfully, of course.
And I remember sitting on ourbed and I heard the boys come
through the front door, becausethey're loud and rambunctious,
and the sound was getting louderand louder as they were getting
(09:01):
closer and closer to thatbedroom door.
And they come tumbling throughthe door why are we home?
Why are there so many cars here?
Why are there so many people inour house?
And in those moments I amsilently pleading don't let this
be true.
No, this is fake.
This is a nightmare.
Pinch me and wake up.
Don't make me hurt my kids.
(09:24):
As a mom, that's our number onething.
I just wanna protect my babies.
Put it all on my shouldersSomehow magically, and I
couldn't.
I can't change what's permanent.
And so they sat on the bed andI'm forcing my tongue to move to
form words.
It really I felt very stuck andjust so numb, not able to
(09:48):
process it myself as an adult.
And so I looked at them andsaid I really need you to be
quiet.
Please do not interrupt me.
I have to tell you something.
Please know that I love you.
And again, I'm still in theback of my mind saying please
don't let this be true.
This can't be true.
No way, don't make me do this.
And magically I said I love youso much.
(10:12):
I am sorry to tell you that yourdaddy was working on his deer
stand and it was really high upin a very tall tree, and somehow
he felt there was an accident.
Maybe he slipped and he felldown and he is dead, and I am
really sorry.
He is in heaven.
If we had known this accidentwas gonna happen, we would have
(10:33):
prevented it.
I love you and I, just fromthere, I just unraveled, I was
sobbing relentlessly and theywere very quiet.
There weren't tears, there wasjust this look of shock, of
course, and that was a momentthat I knew was a defining
moment, that if you're ever incounseling as an adult, this is
(10:55):
gonna be the first sentence thatyou tell your therapist is.
When I was X years old, my daddied, and so it was a lot of
disbelief and just lots ofhugging and again me wailing and
sobbing like crazy.
Michelle (11:12):
Debbie, again, I'm so sorry that you had to go
through this and I understandthe feeling of not ever wanting
to intentionally hurt our kids,but in reality you had no choice
.
They had to know and for youthe trauma had to cut so deep as
you were having to process thefact that you'd be a widow now,
at such a young age, with fouryoung children.
(11:33):
Well, I said in the intro thatyou're a writer and a speaker
and you share about yourexperience because you truly
wanna help other people who arefacing difficult losses like
yours.
And I read through several ofyour blog entries where you shed
light on some of your emotionsfollowing Aaron's passing.
(11:54):
And in one of the entries youdescribe your last goodbye with
Aaron.
You wrote in part I backed outof our driveway the way I had a
million times before, withAaron's face in my rear view
mirror.
Looking back was, ironically,all I would ever have of this
man.
I never imagined that the nexttime I would pull into that
(12:18):
driveway, life would be so verydifferent.
I didn't know that the nextview of my husband would be in a
casket.
Those are hard words to read,let alone write.
So, debbie, if you had tosummarize the way you felt that
day in two or three words.
(12:39):
What would they be and how didyou manage to move forward in
light of your intense grief?
Debbie (12:45):
Right.
I think I was devastated,nearly destroyed, definitely
paralyzed in pain and certainlystunned, and I think moving
forward was my only optionbecause the bittersweet blessing
of being a mom.
(13:05):
I don't know how I would havebeen if I had been childless,
especially in those first months, because I did have family
around for a couple of weeksliving in the house.
That was extremely helpful.
But I think, as time went on,kids don't tend to be very
patient or understanding.
(13:26):
When they're four, four, sevenand eight, they want breakfast,
they need a ride to school, andso that was something that, even
though it was outside of mycomfort zone because I wanted to
stay under the covers in bed,that wasn't an option for me.
I had to carry forward, and so Ithink I kind of learned to find
(13:46):
times where it was workable forme to grieve properly.
I would still break down infront of my kids.
I thought that was importantfor them to see me struggle in
my sadness, so that they couldstruggle in their sadness and
feel okay too.
But I think ultimately I had noother choice but to one foot at
(14:08):
a time in front of the other.
So initially, going to themailbox was about all I could
manage.
That was as far as I could go,so everything compounded as far
as how difficult it was to do.
Michelle (14:23):
Yeah, so having to be strong for your kids was
important for you, but notholding back your tears seems
very honest and real as well, sothat they had permission to
feel how they needed to feel.
I know for so many moms thatI've talked to who lose a spouse
or have lost another child,that requirement to keep
(14:43):
mothering is really a savinggrace.
And I love the fact that youtalked about finding time to
grieve properly, because youmade it a priority to take care
of yourself as well, and that'sgood.
And I also remember those tripsto the mailbox in those early
days after losing my son, Sean.
It felt like a journey of onlya few steps just to do that
(15:07):
simple task.
So I get it.
Well, I appreciate you sharingso much of what happened, how
you talked to your children andhow you felt emotionally back
then.
I think many people can relateto those feelings, but when you
and I talked initially, we bothshared how our loss has
radically changed us, and so Iwant to get into that now.
(15:29):
Many people talk about how lifeis never the same after losing
the loved one, but I want tohear your story of change.
You told me that losing Aaronhad a major impact on your
relationship with God.
Can you talk about that?
Debbie (15:46):
I think what I've realized is, before this loss,
how superficial my prayer timewas, how rushed my Bible study
was.
It was this convenientcomplacency, you know, like your
second place.
When his first place God issecond, I would tell you God was
(16:08):
first place.
But the way that I'm living,are you really or are you just
like?
Well, I'm a pretty good person.
If there's a crisis, I'll letyou know, but otherwise I'm
pretty independent, and so Idon't know how that drift
happened exactly, but I knowthat once I had this devastation
with desperation.
(16:30):
That was part of me learning youactually need to rely on God
for everything, even when timesare painless, and so, even when
my husband is being pulled outof the woods in this black body
bag, I'm having this silentinside conversation with God
(16:51):
going I'm yours, you got me.
I'm putting my face on theground.
I'm sold out.
Everything is yours.
I am no longer going to beunder the illusion that I am
spinning this planet, because Iam clearly not, and so, whatever
you want me to do, however, youwant me to live, because you're
all I have.
(17:11):
You really are the sustainer,because, in and of myself, I
will implode.
I will not be able to make thisno chance.
And so it was trusting in him,knowing I didn't know how it's
going to be a single mom to sayplease sustain me, refine me.
What lessons am I supposed tolearn through this loss?
(17:33):
Because ultimately we're allgoing to die?
So what are the lessons I'msupposed to learn while I'm
still here?
And so I think I had I'dfinally learned that lesson of
people are wonderful, but Goddoesn't leave or forsake.
And so I told him everything isyours, I give it all, full
(17:55):
surrender.
And even told God in thosemoments I'm actually jealous of
you because you get to see myhusband and I don't.
And, more importantly, myhusband gets to see the face of
God.
I'm like, what is that evenlike for y'all?
Right now, I'm down here in themost morning state I could be,
(18:20):
and you all are experiencingthis pain-free joy.
So that was a little bit of mywrestling, but I learned that he
was the only way that I wasgoing to be able to survive.
Michelle (18:33):
Wow, I love it, and I love the terminology used
devastation with desperation.
Very well said.
Loss like this really doesbring us to a fork in the road
and we have no choice but todecide how we're going to deal
with this pain on our own orwith God's help.
And thank you for so honestlysharing the place you were
(18:57):
before Aaron's death.
That you called a convenientcomplacency, because I think so
many of us can also relate tothat, but you concluded that
people will come and go, butthat God will never leave us.
Wow, well, back to your blog fora moment, because I read
something in there that I thinkis important to talk about, and
(19:20):
that is that guilt can take overas we begin to move forward
after a loss.
You shared about strugglingwith the idea of laughing,
having a good time with friends,enjoying a glass of wine and
even thinking about dating again, and I remember that place in
my grieving process.
I felt like I was dishonoringmy son if I let myself laugh or
(19:43):
smile too much, as weird as thatmay sound to some, but I know
you get it.
In your blog entry, you getinto this kind of detail and you
talk about your own deeplypersonal experiences.
Tell us why you think it'simportant to do that and what
you hope to convey to yourreaders in doing this.
Debbie (20:04):
You know, I think I'm a pretty unfiltered person by
nature.
I like things of depth versusthe superficial with
conversation.
But I think my goal has been weshould marvel in the mundane
monotony and you're like, no,but the days are long and
they're repetitive, and everyday is Groundhog Day.
(20:26):
It's so vanilla how ourexistence is and I'm like, yes,
embrace that, embrace doinglaundry, embrace doing dishes,
embrace snuggling your kids andkissing your husband.
These are all amazing treasuresthat are so easy to take for
granted.
So my goal is number one topoint people to the goodness of
(20:51):
God, no matter what that we are,to love Him as much as we love
ourselves, and hopefully more.
But to put Him first andsecondly, to cherish the now
Because, like you said when Ipulled out of that driveway, of
course I'm gonna see you in afew days, because we're gonna
die in our sleep when we're 99.
Of course that is absolutelythe plan that I had told God,
(21:15):
right.
And so I think, to remindpeople of God's truths not my
truths, because my truths arefickle and unreliable but to say
God is as good as His word sayshe is.
And so I think, instead ofbeing like oh, what a sad story,
or that poor lady with herfamily.
Instead, it's like this is agood moment, I hope, when I
(21:39):
share about all of this.
Take an accurate assessment ofyour, get a finger on the pulse
of your now.
What does that look like?
Do you need to work on yourmarriage, your finances, your
faith, your parenting, whateverit is, and take advantage of now
, because we are all on thisdivine countdown and not
promised tomorrow.
(22:00):
So that's my hope.
Michelle (22:02):
Yes, that is so good.
All those seemingly small lifemoments are really what it's all
about Loving our husbands, ourkids, finding gratitude and
having laundry to do, food tocook, a house to clean.
It's all a blessing, and Iappreciate the reminder about
savoring the mundane, like yousay.
(22:22):
I think it's a message we allprobably need to hear and
re-hear.
So, Debbie, again I appreciateeverything you've shared today
and I just want to take a minuteand summarize some of your
wonderful insights.
You told us how being a motherwas a bittersweet blessing in
those difficult first few months, because you were kept busy by
(22:44):
caring for your children and yourealized the gift that was in
the midst of your pain.
You talked about the importanceof staying strong for the sake
of your kids, but also allowingthem to see your true feelings
so that they would understandthat it was okay for them to
grieve.
You realized your prayer lifeprior to Aaron's passing was
(23:05):
rushed and that you had becomespiritually complacent.
But you soon concluded that Godwas a sustainer of life and
that you needed towholeheartedly rely on him.
You encouraged us to marvel inthe mundane, embrace the
everyday tasks of life and toappreciate each day we're given.
(23:27):
You said, we are all on adivine countdown and that
tomorrow is not promised, so weshould take an accurate
assessment of our life todetermine the areas we need to
change.
Debbie, given everything thatyou've experienced losing Aaron,
walking through your own griefand walking with your kids
through theirs, and so much morewhat life lessons have you
(23:51):
learned that you can share withsomeone listening right now who
needs hope after a traumaticloss?
Debbie (23:58):
I think, just to acknowledge that your worst fear
may become a reality, becausethis was one of my biggest fears
.
But even if it does, god willshow up.
He is sufficient.
It's interesting that I thinkpain has purpose.
The Bible talks about howsuffering produces endurance,
character and hope.
Don't we all want these things?
(24:18):
Don't we all want a life thatreflects Jesus Christ?
I think to, like I said, kind ofassess if we're all on this
divine countdown.
Maybe you've got 50 minutes,maybe you have 50 years.
Who is first?
How do you want to live?
What do you want to do to leavea legacy in our lives, in other
people's lives, and that we cantrust this unknown future to a
(24:42):
known God, instead of saving himas almost like a statue on a
shelf that's collecting dust?
We're like, yeah, I'll get backto you, but you need to be
second place right now.
I think that going along withappreciating today is apologize,
serve, listen, encourage, hug,kiss.
(25:06):
Make every day significantinstead of waiting for things
like vacations or anniversariesor birthdays.
It's every day.
Those little things, even theannoyances, you will absolutely
crave.
Those are probably some of mylife lessons, but I think I'm
still learning so much.
Michelle (25:28):
Now, aren't we all?
Well, I love that advice, sowell said and so much wisdom
there, learned only by thetrials of this life that were
thrown your way.
You told me you have a favoriteBible verse that I think would
be so appropriate to close usout today.
Would you mind sharing thatwith us now?
Debbie (25:47):
It's Proverbs 31, verse 25, and the second half of that
says she can laugh at the daysto come.
That has you know like let'slook forward to the future with
joy.
Michelle (25:58):
Yeah, so beautiful we all aspire to be that Proverbs
31 woman.
Well, Debbie, I just want tothank you so much for agreeing
to come on the show today andfor sharing all about your life,
about Erin and your boys, andI'll put a link in the show
notes to your website so thatlisteners can read more about
you and what you're doing nowand again.
(26:20):
Thank you so much.
It was a pleasure meeting youand talking with you.
Debbie (26:24):
Thank you for allowing me to be a guest.
This is such a blessing.
Michelle (26:30):
So, for those of you listening, I hope you were as
inspired by listening to Debbieas I was.
She truly does walk the walkwhen it comes to her faith.
The biggest lesson she learnedupon losing Erin was that God is
sufficient in the midst of yourpain, and I loved it when she
said that suffering producesendurance, character and hope
(26:52):
something we all want in thislife, but we want those things
without the suffering.
She challenged us to take stockof our lives and consider how
we really want to live, sincetomorrow is not guaranteed, and
she said that we can trust ourunknown future to a known God.
Words of wisdom.
(27:13):
So it's my prayer that you'llremember to embrace the ordinary
and love deeper than you everhave before.
There are so many amazinglessons that we only learn in
our pain, so let's move forwardwiser, stronger and with a
greater purpose, and rememberthat someday, like Debbie, you
(27:35):
too will be able to help someoneelse with the lessons you
learned in your loss.
Thanks for listening.
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