December 15, 2025 • 31 mins
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In the world of lesbian dating, two of the biggest first date turn-offs aren’t about looks, chemistry, or conversation; they’re about inconsistency and lack of consideration.
In this episode, Sophia Spallino (Founder of The Queer Country Club® and Luxury Lesbian™ Matchmaking) unpacks why being late, canceling last minute, or rescheduling constantly isn’t just annoying…it’s destructive to building trust!!!
You’ll hear:
Why inconsistency feels like instability in a relationship
How consideration in planning a date makes your partner feel special and valued
Real-life examples of lesbian first date behaviors that send the wrong message
Why trust is built on consistent small actions, not big gestures
How queer women can set a standard of reliability in dating and partnership
Whether you’re just stepping into the world of lesbian dating, or you’re ready to call in your Future Wife™, this episode will help you see why showing up on time and keeping your word is one of the sexiest things you can do.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Lesbians, I've had it. However, listen to that podcast.
I've had it. Oh my God, those ladies crack me
up. With that being said, I have had
it. Today we're going to be talking
about something that drives me absolutely wild in dating and
honestly in all of life. Actually, two things.
(00:33):
But before we get into it, hi, I'm Sophia Spilino, host of
Queer Women Rising. I'm normally a ball of sunshine,
but today I'm going to be talking about some dating
frustrations. And I expect you to get married
with me. Because if you don't, then it
means that there's more lesbiansout there who are going to
frustrate me. And as a single lesbian, as
(00:54):
someone who is actively dating and also looking for the most
extraordinary women for my clients, I not only know my
boundaries, I know my frustrations, but I don't want
my clients to have their boundaries tested and to
experience these frustrations. In fact, when someone works with
me and they become an ideal match for one of my private
(01:14):
matchmaking clients, I expect them to conduct themselves in a
certain way that they get on their first calls and go on
those first dates and be the woman that they have shown me to
be. The reason I introduced them to
a client in the 1st place because I think they're high
(01:36):
caliber enough and professional enough and kind hearted enough
and consistent enough to be someone worthy of me
introducing. And when I go on a first date,
these are the things that frustrate me too.
OK, let let let me let me say what that is in consistency and
(01:56):
in consideration as a matchmaker, as a lesbian dating
coach, the two things that are going to make a relationship
last work, feel good, feel safe are going to be the opposite.
Consistency and consideration. Consideration is thinking about
(02:17):
your partner as you think of yourself.
Consistency is doing what you say you're going to do and
following through and being essentially someone predictable.
When we think about the narcissistic, the intoxicating
relationships, the toxic cycles we've been put through, it's
because actually we were with someone who is.
(02:40):
Whether they were strategically and sinisterly inconsistent or
they were absentmindedly inconsistent, that is what made
us addicted to them. That's what made us think we
fell in love with them and they became like a drug.
And it became so hard to lose the attraction for someone
because it was this push, pull, push, pull.
But if you are in a healthy place, nothing will give you the
(03:04):
ick faster than a lesbian who reveals inconsistency.
And in consideration, if you area healthy person and you know
your worth, you will not tolerate such things.
Whether it's a date, whether it's a business meeting.
Look, if I'm interviewing you tocome on a retreat with us, are
you booked a coaching call with me?
(03:25):
Show up and show up on time. Whether it's brunch with a
friend, if someone is late or they attempt to cancel last
minute or constantly reschedules, it feels chaotic
for the nervous system. And healthy women do not allow
chaos in their nervous systems. Healthy women don't blame other
(03:47):
people for the instability of their own nervous system
regulation. Healthy people take full
responsibility for regulating their nervous system and
stepping out of the rooms, out of the environment, away from
the energy of people who disregulate their nervous
(04:09):
system. It is your responsibility to
regulate or remove yourself and if you are a high value woman,
you know your worth, you are well aware of what you stand
for, and you know what you want in a life partner.
When someone shows inconsistencyor consideration on or before
(04:31):
the first date. Red flag for lesbians who are
looking for a future wife, a whole ass wife.
These behaviors are not just annoying, they are non
negotiable relationship killers.I want you to think about it.
When you're building trust with someone new, anyone new, you're
(04:54):
honestly not asking for grand gestures, especially in the
beginning. You're looking for consistency
in the small things. Now, if someone is a grand
gesture person, for instance, I have clients who are like, oh,
I'm going to fly you to Europe right now, blah, blah, blah.
They have that kind of lifestyle.
They have that kind of money. If that's how they start, then
(05:16):
yes, you could expect some consistencies with grand
gestures. But for the majority of us, a
grand gesture is not something that we expect.
We expect consistency in the small things.
And even for the women who have that exorbitant level of wealth,
it's important that they are consistent in their words, in
(05:40):
their small acts of kindness. Kindness, not just the grand
gestures. Because consistency in the small
things as humans are what we arelooking for, what we are craving
and what we are looking to see. Pattern recognition to feel
safe. This looks like showing up when
(06:00):
you say you will, following through on plans, respecting
your time and the other person'stime.
Those little things are the building blocks of trust, and
when someone makes and keeps plans with you, it's not about
organization, although I appreciate an organized woman.
(06:20):
It makes you feel special. It makes you feel seen.
It makes you feel prioritized. It makes you feel like you
matter. You matter enough for me to show
up. Now realistically, more
logically, logically, I want to share the reasons why this
matters beyond just, oh, that makes me feel good.
(06:43):
There's a reason why it makes usfeel good psychologically.
And the first one is trust can only be built from reliability.
Think about it like, who's your friend that you call if you need
help moving or you got a flat tire or going through a divorce?
Like that's your pal, right? Those are the friends that have
(07:03):
been with you through the worst of things.
And you know, you could call them for anything that didn't
happen overnight. It was built from being able to
rely on that person again and again and rely on each other.
So think about it this way. If your partner or your date or
you're someone you're getting toknow, you're in the getting to
(07:24):
know you phase and they are consistent in the way they show
up, you can then begin to relax into the relationship knowing
that you can count on her if she's flaky in any capacity.
Every late arrival, every reschedule chips away at your
sense of security. I actually was in a situation
(07:48):
ship with the woman who did thisto me constantly.
She never called when she said she would.
She made me pressure her like over and over, begging for dates
to book plane tickets when we hadn't even met each other in
real life yet, and that continued on into the
relationship. I thought Oh well, it's just the
(08:08):
first meeting, she's nervous or she doesn't really know if I'm
worth the time yet. No, when we further went down
the road that we should have never been on, she continued to
be flaky, chipping away at my sense of security and worse,
making me feel guilty for wanting follow up, for wanting
(08:28):
answers, making me feel like I was putting pressure on her to
know when was the next time we were going to hang out.
Keep in mind, this person had nofinancial issues, no time
constraints. She was an entrepreneur who
literally like lollygagged all day.
She could have done whatever shewanted.
If she wanted to, she would and she didn't.
And that should have been my sign from day one, from the
(08:50):
first meeting. Oh, but no, I, I, I gave her
excuses. I was like, you know what, she's
busy. Or you know what, maybe I wasn't
like good enough or showed her about.
I was all in enough for her to go all in on me.
So I just got to be better. And I just kept performing,
performing, performing. And the moment I thought, you
(09:11):
know, this time when I asked her, can you book this thing?
And when we could see each other, she's going to just do it
in the moment. She's going to just do it
because she sees how much it means to me.
No, never did. Never did.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
because trust is built for reliability and the moment
(09:33):
someone shows you they are not reliable and they have no
remorse for not being reliable and they are not promising this
is not going to happen again, you've got a problem.
One thing that is so important when someone apologizes, and I
know this is a slightly different topic, but when
someone is like, I'm I'm sorry about that or whatever, that's
(09:58):
really not enough. Also, I I don't think I ever
really got that. Like I kind of always got
justification for actions with no sorries.
What makes an apology or make someone worth possibly giving
another chance in a situation iswhen they say I am sorry without
hesitation. Not I'm sorry for how you feel.
(10:19):
I'm sorry for what I did or whatI said.
And then they share. I'm sorry for how that affected
you. They can actually verbalize how
it made you feel, how it affected you.
And they follow up this apology with the third step of it won't
(10:42):
happen again and why? Reassuring that there will be
reliability in the future for this thing not to happen again.
If you don't get that, then you've got a red flag, honey.
And I'm so glad that I've gone through these things so I can
share this with you. This might be the best that
someone's listening to this right now and they're like
gulping. They're like, shit, this is for
(11:03):
me. I need to end this situation
ship. I need better girl.
DM me and text me what you're looking for in a future wife
because I work with the most incredible growth minded women
who are ready to settle down andfind love.
So if that's you, DM me future wife or go to
queercountryclub.com to join my lesbian dating platform where
serious monogamist women or hanging out waiting for you or
(11:26):
join as a private matchmaking client where I work with the
highest caliber of lesbians in the world.
You can find that link on Queer Country Club's landing page at
the very top top on private matchmaking or come on one of
the retreats with us and meet anincredible single lesbian.
You can see that on Queer Country Club's page as well.
(11:50):
There are so many ways to meet incredible lesbians who are not
flaky little assholes. OK, I sound really mad about
this because it did affect me atone point.
Sippy sippy. I'm on a roll this morning.
OK, Are you all ready for reason#2 why reliability matters?
(12:14):
Why building trust matters? Because being late or
inconsistent signals instabilityin your life.
Now, one of the things we want to do when we are dating is
being our best version of ourselves.
Putting our best foot forward, not just for our partner to fall
in love with us, but so we couldtruly find someone who
(12:35):
challenges us to level up to be the best.
We could be the best version of you.
Whoever you're listening to, listening right now, I want you
to think of your name like I want to be like I could think.
I want to be the best Sofia can be.
And I want to be around someone that evokes a new level out of
me. Whether it's in my professional
life, in my slowing down, in my feminine energy with her and my
(13:00):
masculine energy to make a plan,to stay true to the plan, my
feminine energy to rest into a loving relationship and put all
my eggs in that basket. And I have faith and trust in
someone. If you are late or inconsistent
and you signal instability to someone, they're going to begin
(13:21):
looking for pattern recognition of instability in multiple areas
of your life. If they are a growth minded
person who is self aware, they are going to, whether they
consciously or not, begin looking for aware.
Is this person also unstable? Even if it's not who the person
really is, even if it's not who you are, it feels like, well,
(13:42):
she's not capable of building a solid foundation and it leaves
you wondering if she can't show up for dinner, how can I trust
her with the big stuff later? And anyone who wants to
manipulate you that there's no correlation there is going to
say dinner has nothing to do with the important things in
(14:05):
life or the the plane ticket hasnothing to do with the important
things in life or me not showingup to your parents this weekend
has nothing to do with the important things in life.
I needed to. Whatever it is, no it does.
And don't be manipulated for a moment, sweetheart, that it's
not connected. Anyone can change a plan with
(14:27):
communication ahead of time. Anyone can make a plan that goes
around their schedule and be intentional about that.
There's no excuse, especially for multiple signals of
instability. Quit giving anyone that capacity
to hurt you in that way. If you leave the crack open for
(14:52):
this and it continues to happen,you are choosing a person who's
actually inconsistent and actually unstable and you cannot
complain. Start dating better people.
Start dating higher quality women.
And lastly, reason #3 it's not about time, honey.
(15:13):
It's about respect. When someone values you, they
value your time. And when they consistently keep
their word about the big things and the small things, it feels
like love. It's not practical all the time.
(15:34):
It's actually romantic because you cannot rest into your
feminine energy, which we all have, even the most masculine of
women to fully trust and put your eggs all in one basket and
be all in with someone in a relationship, which is
ultimately the only way to buildyour forever partnership.
(15:55):
You can't do that without the respect of each other's time,
honoring each other's time, consistently keeping your word.
This is not just logic. This is not just, oh, let's have
a healthy pattern. This is romantic.
(16:18):
Without giving that foundation of trust and respect, everything
is affected. How vulnerable you could be on a
best friend level with your partner, how much can you trust
them with what you share is affected.
How vulnerable you can be in bed, how open, radically open
(16:43):
your heart can be during sex is affected.
If you don't feel respected and if you think that I'm taking
this too far, then maybe you've never felt that heart opening,
soul opening, eye gazing, one soul shared sex experience and
you need to date better women who are intentional.
(17:09):
I think I need a sip of my smoothie one SEC.
I want to talk to my ladies who are going on 1st dates because I
know that's a lot of you here. You're probably listening to
this. You're in Queer Country Club, my
lesbian dating platform. I want you to imagine you've
been getting ready for a big date all week, like you've been
talking to someone. You're excited, you're dressed
(17:31):
up, you are putting on your skincare, your makeup or your
chopstick or your mascara, whatever you wear or don't wear,
always the perfume. You brushed your teeth, you
scraped your tongue. And it's 10 minutes before she's
supposed to pick you up and she texts.
(17:51):
Can we reschedule? What's happening in your stomach
when you hear me say that? Or worse, she shows up, but she
shows up like 30 to 45 minutes late with no real apology.
The frustration you feel right now hearing this, that's
(18:15):
actually your body telling you, I don't feel safe.
I don't feel safe. This is not stable.
This is not stable. I don't feel safe.
I don't feel safe and it robs you of feeling special in those
moments, like your time and yourpresence aren't something to be
honored, cherished, adored, and worth planning for by that
(18:36):
person. So if this happens to you on a
first date and there was no realemergency, right?
Because if there was a real emergency, she'd make sure she
saw you as soon as possible and was already making plans to make
it up to you and the plan to be above and beyond.
(18:59):
You deserve honor and respect. And if you're not getting that,
God bless me. Always a double.
If you're not getting that on the first date, I dare to say
you're probably not going to getit.
How do I know? I know because I lived it.
(19:24):
I know because I see my clients go through it.
Not my matchmaking clients or dating clients.
My coaching clients go through it and one day they wake up and
they realize I'm worthy of so much more.
So much more. At the end of the day, trust
isn't built all at once. It doesn't collapse all at once.
(19:48):
It erodes in small, seemingly minor moments.
And I need you to hear me. If you start a relationship with
someone who's inconsistent, yoursubconscious will continue to
whisper. She won't follow through.
She won't be there when I need her.
She isn't going to be there for me.
(20:10):
What if she doesn't show up again?
What if she cancels? What if she reschedules again?
Oh I can't relax and get ready for this date and be happy
because what if she does again? These thoughts do not and will
never build closeness or safety.They can only build distance.
(20:32):
On the flip side, when you have someone who makes and keeps
plans with you consistency, you don't just trust them anymore.
You actually feel sorry. You don't just trust them more
is what I meant to say. You feel cherished and seen and
all those times that you feel cherished and seen or be like
(20:55):
these little seeds, like little gardening seeds and this
person's planting them and everytime she plants one, it's like
there's going to be a beautiful flower that grows from it.
It might not be right away, but that's planting intimacy and
trust for later to bloom in yourrelationship.
(21:16):
And you could think of it the opposite way.
When they do something that hurts you, it's planting seeds
of insecurity and instability. And those grow weeds.
And weeds choke up the intimacy,the beauty, the sunshine.
And the only person who allows for this to happen is someone
(21:40):
who doesn't believe that. They deserve that true sunshine.
They deserve that true joy. They deserve that true peace.
They deserve that true, conscious, intentional, loving
partner who shows up with excellence, who shows up with
enthusiasm. Growing up in the religious
(22:05):
South, I was always taught like,oh, your husband's going to love
you one day, like Jesus loves you, or God loves you
unconditional with enthusiasm, he's going to show off for you.
And wow, there's been many harmful things that came from my
religious upbringing. If you haven't heard my story, I
(22:28):
was a homeschooled religious harpist.
Waited till sex to wait till marriage to have sex with a man,
blah blah blah. You know?
Anyway, at the end of the day, that is something that I
actually hold dear scripturally,even though I'm very
interspiritual and appreciate all paths.
(22:48):
There is that verse that says hewho finds her, she who finds a
wife, finds a good thing. And when you care about
something, when you cherish something, you protect your good
things, you honor your good things, you follow through.
Love is patient, love is kind, love is unconditional.
(23:10):
And when you plant those seeds of insecurity, you're doing the
opposite of that. And I want a love, a love that
is with a woman, but kind of thefairy tale that was sold to me,
except with a woman. I want someone who shows off big
for me. I want someone who is
(23:31):
unconditional in their love and consistent in their love.
And I was always taught that like the love of God was
unveiling, unchanging, unconditional.
And that's what you're looking for in your spouse.
You know, the things I was taught in church.
And I can look back and go like,OK, there's a lot of bullshit
that I was taught, but some things I still hold true in my
heart. And I want to be a wife like
(23:52):
that to a woman. And I want a woman who's going
to be like that to me. And where does it start?
Where does it all start with what we started with at the very
beginning of this podcast? Consistency and consideration to
(24:13):
know that she is trustworthy. I want to challenge you to ask
yourself, do you want to spend your life with someone who
treats your time as valuable or with someone who makes you feel
like an afterthought? Because I know if you've been
through traumatic, toxic relationships, feeling like an
(24:35):
afterthought could be sexy. Getting breadcrumb could feel
hot to you. Knock it off.
Put on your big girl panties, dosome growth work, Come to some
coaching calls inside of the Queer Country Club.
Yes, it's my lesbian dating platform, but we have live
coaching inside. And build up your mindset
(24:57):
because you deserve consistency.And consistency to a healthy
human is not boring. It's actually incredibly sexy.
It's what makes you feel safe enough to build the passion, the
connection, the trust. So choose that right now.
Say that with me. I am a woman whose time is
valuable. Repeat that I am a woman whose
time is valuable. And my future wife is going to
(25:21):
be consistent. My future wife is going to be
caring and my future wife is going to be considerate.
And I am going to be consistent.I am going to be caring.
(25:42):
I am going to be what was my last word, now I'm blinking
considerate. I'm going to be considerate
because I love her, whoever she is, my future wife, I am being
these things now and I will not tolerate less than them because
that is the energy that I'm putting out in the world that
(26:03):
you were going to align with. And I cannot wait to meet you.
So future wife, if you're listening, if you're in your car
or you're putting on your makeupor you're just listening to this
on your walk, I want you to repeat this stuff.
If you're listening, don't be shy.
Say it. Future wife, if you're
listening, show up on time, keepyour word, be consistent, and
(26:29):
I'm ready. For you.
I'm ready for you. OK, Thanks for listening.
Queer women rising. Make wise choices.
Be the woman that you want to date so she and you can be at
the same vibration. She can come into your life you.
(26:52):
Can be in the. Place that is healthy.
The kind of woman who sits at extravagant, extraordinary
tables. I always think of Mean Girls
like you can't sit with us. No, you got to be the kind of
woman who. Sits at the table.
With other extraordinary queer women.
And if you were looking for thattable and you're like Sophia,
(27:13):
where are they? Hi, I'm the luxury lesbian
matchmaker and there's three ways that I can introduce you to
women incredible women at the most exquisite queer community
table of monogamous lesbians. The first way is by joining the
queer Country Club go to queercountryclub.com or DM me
(27:35):
the word apply I'll send you over an application to work with
me in private matchmaking. This is for clients who want a
luxurious matchmaking experience, want the caviar of
lesbians served to them on a silver platter and who are
private or discreet, do not wantto be on a dating platform, and
would prefer for us to do our matchmaking behind the scenes
(27:57):
very carefully. I have women who are in high
places, women who live in countries where perhaps being
queer is not safe. I have clients in Dubai, I have
clients in Saudi, I have clientsin Africa, I have clients in
Europe, I have clients in America who work in the
(28:18):
government. I have clients across the board.
And the most extraordinary lesbians in the world who want
to have a discreet dating experience for whatever reason
is personal to them. It's OK.
I love what I do there. It's magical to me.
Making those matches makes my heart sing.
(28:39):
It's the most fulfilling job I could ever ask for.
And and the third way that you can meet women and be invited to
sit at this metaphorical table with us is by sitting at the
real table in real life. By coming on a luxury lesbian
retreat with me and 8 to 12 extraordinary single lesbians
from around the world. By the time this episode comes
(29:02):
out, we may be offering more women to come on the retreat.
It might be closer to 20. You'll have to look at the
landing page and the details. The details on this.
Podcast, I'm not sure what that will be at me and the team are
figuring it out. We want to give you guys the
most opportunity to meet the most singles at the event.
(29:24):
So check it out or DM me the word retreat.
But you can find the link for that in the show notes as well.
I would love to have you sit at our table, especially if you're
like, I don't fit in at queer parties.
That's not my thing. Help me meet some quality women.
That is what I do. That is my specialty.
(29:44):
That is honestly what I have been living for.
I truly feel it's my purpose. And I'd love to help you.
OK, queer women, go out there. Keep living your best life, keep
raising your standards, and keeprising.
(30:22):
The. None.
Lesbians, I've had it. However, listen to that podcast.
I've had it. Oh my God, those ladies crack me
up. With that being said, I have had
it. Today we're going to be talking
about something that drives me absolutely wild in dating and
honestly in all of life. Actually, two things.
(00:33):
But before we get into it, hi, I'm Sophia Spilino, host of
Queer Women Rising. I'm normally a ball of sunshine,
but today I'm going to be talking about some dating
frustrations. And I expect you to get married
with me. Because if you don't, then it
means that there's more lesbiansout there who are going to
frustrate me. And as a single lesbian, as
(00:54):
someone who is actively dating and also looking for the most
extraordinary women for my clients, I not only know my
boundaries, I know my frustrations, but I don't want
my clients to have their boundaries tested and to
experience these frustrations. In fact, when someone works with
me and they become an ideal match for one of my private
(01:14):
matchmaking clients, I expect them to conduct themselves in a
certain way that they get on their first calls and go on
those first dates and be the woman that they have shown me to
be. The reason I introduced them to
a client in the 1st place because I think they're high
(01:36):
caliber enough and professional enough and kind hearted enough
and consistent enough to be someone worthy of me
introducing. And when I go on a first date,
these are the things that frustrate me too.
OK, let let let me let me say what that is in consistency and
(01:56):
in consideration as a matchmaker, as a lesbian dating
coach, the two things that are going to make a relationship
last work, feel good, feel safe are going to be the opposite.
Consistency and consideration. Consideration is thinking about
(02:17):
your partner as you think of yourself.
Consistency is doing what you say you're going to do and
following through and being essentially someone predictable.
When we think about the narcissistic, the intoxicating
relationships, the toxic cycles we've been put through, it's
because actually we were with someone who is.
(02:40):
Whether they were strategically and sinisterly inconsistent or
they were absentmindedly inconsistent, that is what made
us addicted to them. That's what made us think we
fell in love with them and they became like a drug.
And it became so hard to lose the attraction for someone
because it was this push, pull, push, pull.
But if you are in a healthy place, nothing will give you the
(03:04):
ick faster than a lesbian who reveals inconsistency.
And in consideration, if you area healthy person and you know
your worth, you will not tolerate such things.
Whether it's a date, whether it's a business meeting.
Look, if I'm interviewing you tocome on a retreat with us, are
you booked a coaching call with me?
(03:25):
Show up and show up on time. Whether it's brunch with a
friend, if someone is late or they attempt to cancel last
minute or constantly reschedules, it feels chaotic
for the nervous system. And healthy women do not allow
chaos in their nervous systems. Healthy women don't blame other
(03:47):
people for the instability of their own nervous system
regulation. Healthy people take full
responsibility for regulating their nervous system and
stepping out of the rooms, out of the environment, away from
the energy of people who disregulate their nervous
(04:09):
system. It is your responsibility to
regulate or remove yourself and if you are a high value woman,
you know your worth, you are well aware of what you stand
for, and you know what you want in a life partner.
When someone shows inconsistencyor consideration on or before
(04:31):
the first date. Red flag for lesbians who are
looking for a future wife, a whole ass wife.
These behaviors are not just annoying, they are non
negotiable relationship killers.I want you to think about it.
When you're building trust with someone new, anyone new, you're
(04:54):
honestly not asking for grand gestures, especially in the
beginning. You're looking for consistency
in the small things. Now, if someone is a grand
gesture person, for instance, I have clients who are like, oh,
I'm going to fly you to Europe right now, blah, blah, blah.
They have that kind of lifestyle.
They have that kind of money. If that's how they start, then
(05:16):
yes, you could expect some consistencies with grand
gestures. But for the majority of us, a
grand gesture is not something that we expect.
We expect consistency in the small things.
And even for the women who have that exorbitant level of wealth,
it's important that they are consistent in their words, in
(05:40):
their small acts of kindness. Kindness, not just the grand
gestures. Because consistency in the small
things as humans are what we arelooking for, what we are craving
and what we are looking to see. Pattern recognition to feel
safe. This looks like showing up when
(06:00):
you say you will, following through on plans, respecting
your time and the other person'stime.
Those little things are the building blocks of trust, and
when someone makes and keeps plans with you, it's not about
organization, although I appreciate an organized woman.
(06:20):
It makes you feel special. It makes you feel seen.
It makes you feel prioritized. It makes you feel like you
matter. You matter enough for me to show
up. Now realistically, more
logically, logically, I want to share the reasons why this
matters beyond just, oh, that makes me feel good.
(06:43):
There's a reason why it makes usfeel good psychologically.
And the first one is trust can only be built from reliability.
Think about it like, who's your friend that you call if you need
help moving or you got a flat tire or going through a divorce?
Like that's your pal, right? Those are the friends that have
(07:03):
been with you through the worst of things.
And you know, you could call them for anything that didn't
happen overnight. It was built from being able to
rely on that person again and again and rely on each other.
So think about it this way. If your partner or your date or
you're someone you're getting toknow, you're in the getting to
(07:24):
know you phase and they are consistent in the way they show
up, you can then begin to relax into the relationship knowing
that you can count on her if she's flaky in any capacity.
Every late arrival, every reschedule chips away at your
sense of security. I actually was in a situation
(07:48):
ship with the woman who did thisto me constantly.
She never called when she said she would.
She made me pressure her like over and over, begging for dates
to book plane tickets when we hadn't even met each other in
real life yet, and that continued on into the
relationship. I thought Oh well, it's just the
(08:08):
first meeting, she's nervous or she doesn't really know if I'm
worth the time yet. No, when we further went down
the road that we should have never been on, she continued to
be flaky, chipping away at my sense of security and worse,
making me feel guilty for wanting follow up, for wanting
(08:28):
answers, making me feel like I was putting pressure on her to
know when was the next time we were going to hang out.
Keep in mind, this person had nofinancial issues, no time
constraints. She was an entrepreneur who
literally like lollygagged all day.
She could have done whatever shewanted.
If she wanted to, she would and she didn't.
And that should have been my sign from day one, from the
(08:50):
first meeting. Oh, but no, I, I, I gave her
excuses. I was like, you know what, she's
busy. Or you know what, maybe I wasn't
like good enough or showed her about.
I was all in enough for her to go all in on me.
So I just got to be better. And I just kept performing,
performing, performing. And the moment I thought, you
(09:11):
know, this time when I asked her, can you book this thing?
And when we could see each other, she's going to just do it
in the moment. She's going to just do it
because she sees how much it means to me.
No, never did. Never did.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
because trust is built for reliability and the moment
(09:33):
someone shows you they are not reliable and they have no
remorse for not being reliable and they are not promising this
is not going to happen again, you've got a problem.
One thing that is so important when someone apologizes, and I
know this is a slightly different topic, but when
someone is like, I'm I'm sorry about that or whatever, that's
(09:58):
really not enough. Also, I I don't think I ever
really got that. Like I kind of always got
justification for actions with no sorries.
What makes an apology or make someone worth possibly giving
another chance in a situation iswhen they say I am sorry without
hesitation. Not I'm sorry for how you feel.
(10:19):
I'm sorry for what I did or whatI said.
And then they share. I'm sorry for how that affected
you. They can actually verbalize how
it made you feel, how it affected you.
And they follow up this apology with the third step of it won't
(10:42):
happen again and why? Reassuring that there will be
reliability in the future for this thing not to happen again.
If you don't get that, then you've got a red flag, honey.
And I'm so glad that I've gone through these things so I can
share this with you. This might be the best that
someone's listening to this right now and they're like
gulping. They're like, shit, this is for
(11:03):
me. I need to end this situation
ship. I need better girl.
DM me and text me what you're looking for in a future wife
because I work with the most incredible growth minded women
who are ready to settle down andfind love.
So if that's you, DM me future wife or go to
queercountryclub.com to join my lesbian dating platform where
serious monogamist women or hanging out waiting for you or
(11:26):
join as a private matchmaking client where I work with the
highest caliber of lesbians in the world.
You can find that link on Queer Country Club's landing page at
the very top top on private matchmaking or come on one of
the retreats with us and meet anincredible single lesbian.
You can see that on Queer Country Club's page as well.
(11:50):
There are so many ways to meet incredible lesbians who are not
flaky little assholes. OK, I sound really mad about
this because it did affect me atone point.
Sippy sippy. I'm on a roll this morning.
OK, Are you all ready for reason#2 why reliability matters?
(12:14):
Why building trust matters? Because being late or
inconsistent signals instabilityin your life.
Now, one of the things we want to do when we are dating is
being our best version of ourselves.
Putting our best foot forward, not just for our partner to fall
in love with us, but so we couldtruly find someone who
(12:35):
challenges us to level up to be the best.
We could be the best version of you.
Whoever you're listening to, listening right now, I want you
to think of your name like I want to be like I could think.
I want to be the best Sofia can be.
And I want to be around someone that evokes a new level out of
me. Whether it's in my professional
life, in my slowing down, in my feminine energy with her and my
(13:00):
masculine energy to make a plan,to stay true to the plan, my
feminine energy to rest into a loving relationship and put all
my eggs in that basket. And I have faith and trust in
someone. If you are late or inconsistent
and you signal instability to someone, they're going to begin
(13:21):
looking for pattern recognition of instability in multiple areas
of your life. If they are a growth minded
person who is self aware, they are going to, whether they
consciously or not, begin looking for aware.
Is this person also unstable? Even if it's not who the person
really is, even if it's not who you are, it feels like, well,
(13:42):
she's not capable of building a solid foundation and it leaves
you wondering if she can't show up for dinner, how can I trust
her with the big stuff later? And anyone who wants to
manipulate you that there's no correlation there is going to
say dinner has nothing to do with the important things in
(14:05):
life or the the plane ticket hasnothing to do with the important
things in life or me not showingup to your parents this weekend
has nothing to do with the important things in life.
I needed to. Whatever it is, no it does.
And don't be manipulated for a moment, sweetheart, that it's
not connected. Anyone can change a plan with
(14:27):
communication ahead of time. Anyone can make a plan that goes
around their schedule and be intentional about that.
There's no excuse, especially for multiple signals of
instability. Quit giving anyone that capacity
to hurt you in that way. If you leave the crack open for
(14:52):
this and it continues to happen,you are choosing a person who's
actually inconsistent and actually unstable and you cannot
complain. Start dating better people.
Start dating higher quality women.
And lastly, reason #3 it's not about time, honey.
(15:13):
It's about respect. When someone values you, they
value your time. And when they consistently keep
their word about the big things and the small things, it feels
like love. It's not practical all the time.
(15:34):
It's actually romantic because you cannot rest into your
feminine energy, which we all have, even the most masculine of
women to fully trust and put your eggs all in one basket and
be all in with someone in a relationship, which is
ultimately the only way to buildyour forever partnership.
(15:55):
You can't do that without the respect of each other's time,
honoring each other's time, consistently keeping your word.
This is not just logic. This is not just, oh, let's have
a healthy pattern. This is romantic.
(16:18):
Without giving that foundation of trust and respect, everything
is affected. How vulnerable you could be on a
best friend level with your partner, how much can you trust
them with what you share is affected.
How vulnerable you can be in bed, how open, radically open
(16:43):
your heart can be during sex is affected.
If you don't feel respected and if you think that I'm taking
this too far, then maybe you've never felt that heart opening,
soul opening, eye gazing, one soul shared sex experience and
you need to date better women who are intentional.
(17:09):
I think I need a sip of my smoothie one SEC.
I want to talk to my ladies who are going on 1st dates because I
know that's a lot of you here. You're probably listening to
this. You're in Queer Country Club, my
lesbian dating platform. I want you to imagine you've
been getting ready for a big date all week, like you've been
talking to someone. You're excited, you're dressed
(17:31):
up, you are putting on your skincare, your makeup or your
chopstick or your mascara, whatever you wear or don't wear,
always the perfume. You brushed your teeth, you
scraped your tongue. And it's 10 minutes before she's
supposed to pick you up and she texts.
(17:51):
Can we reschedule? What's happening in your stomach
when you hear me say that? Or worse, she shows up, but she
shows up like 30 to 45 minutes late with no real apology.
The frustration you feel right now hearing this, that's
(18:15):
actually your body telling you, I don't feel safe.
I don't feel safe. This is not stable.
This is not stable. I don't feel safe.
I don't feel safe and it robs you of feeling special in those
moments, like your time and yourpresence aren't something to be
honored, cherished, adored, and worth planning for by that
(18:36):
person. So if this happens to you on a
first date and there was no realemergency, right?
Because if there was a real emergency, she'd make sure she
saw you as soon as possible and was already making plans to make
it up to you and the plan to be above and beyond.
(18:59):
You deserve honor and respect. And if you're not getting that,
God bless me. Always a double.
If you're not getting that on the first date, I dare to say
you're probably not going to getit.
How do I know? I know because I lived it.
(19:24):
I know because I see my clients go through it.
Not my matchmaking clients or dating clients.
My coaching clients go through it and one day they wake up and
they realize I'm worthy of so much more.
So much more. At the end of the day, trust
isn't built all at once. It doesn't collapse all at once.
(19:48):
It erodes in small, seemingly minor moments.
And I need you to hear me. If you start a relationship with
someone who's inconsistent, yoursubconscious will continue to
whisper. She won't follow through.
She won't be there when I need her.
She isn't going to be there for me.
(20:10):
What if she doesn't show up again?
What if she cancels? What if she reschedules again?
Oh I can't relax and get ready for this date and be happy
because what if she does again? These thoughts do not and will
never build closeness or safety.They can only build distance.
(20:32):
On the flip side, when you have someone who makes and keeps
plans with you consistency, you don't just trust them anymore.
You actually feel sorry. You don't just trust them more
is what I meant to say. You feel cherished and seen and
all those times that you feel cherished and seen or be like
(20:55):
these little seeds, like little gardening seeds and this
person's planting them and everytime she plants one, it's like
there's going to be a beautiful flower that grows from it.
It might not be right away, but that's planting intimacy and
trust for later to bloom in yourrelationship.
(21:16):
And you could think of it the opposite way.
When they do something that hurts you, it's planting seeds
of insecurity and instability. And those grow weeds.
And weeds choke up the intimacy,the beauty, the sunshine.
And the only person who allows for this to happen is someone
(21:40):
who doesn't believe that. They deserve that true sunshine.
They deserve that true joy. They deserve that true peace.
They deserve that true, conscious, intentional, loving
partner who shows up with excellence, who shows up with
enthusiasm. Growing up in the religious
(22:05):
South, I was always taught like,oh, your husband's going to love
you one day, like Jesus loves you, or God loves you
unconditional with enthusiasm, he's going to show off for you.
And wow, there's been many harmful things that came from my
religious upbringing. If you haven't heard my story, I
(22:28):
was a homeschooled religious harpist.
Waited till sex to wait till marriage to have sex with a man,
blah blah blah. You know?
Anyway, at the end of the day, that is something that I
actually hold dear scripturally,even though I'm very
interspiritual and appreciate all paths.
(22:48):
There is that verse that says hewho finds her, she who finds a
wife, finds a good thing. And when you care about
something, when you cherish something, you protect your good
things, you honor your good things, you follow through.
Love is patient, love is kind, love is unconditional.
(23:10):
And when you plant those seeds of insecurity, you're doing the
opposite of that. And I want a love, a love that
is with a woman, but kind of thefairy tale that was sold to me,
except with a woman. I want someone who shows off big
for me. I want someone who is
(23:31):
unconditional in their love and consistent in their love.
And I was always taught that like the love of God was
unveiling, unchanging, unconditional.
And that's what you're looking for in your spouse.
You know, the things I was taught in church.
And I can look back and go like,OK, there's a lot of bullshit
that I was taught, but some things I still hold true in my
heart. And I want to be a wife like
(23:52):
that to a woman. And I want a woman who's going
to be like that to me. And where does it start?
Where does it all start with what we started with at the very
beginning of this podcast? Consistency and consideration to
(24:13):
know that she is trustworthy. I want to challenge you to ask
yourself, do you want to spend your life with someone who
treats your time as valuable or with someone who makes you feel
like an afterthought? Because I know if you've been
through traumatic, toxic relationships, feeling like an
(24:35):
afterthought could be sexy. Getting breadcrumb could feel
hot to you. Knock it off.
Put on your big girl panties, dosome growth work, Come to some
coaching calls inside of the Queer Country Club.
Yes, it's my lesbian dating platform, but we have live
coaching inside. And build up your mindset
(24:57):
because you deserve consistency.And consistency to a healthy
human is not boring. It's actually incredibly sexy.
It's what makes you feel safe enough to build the passion, the
connection, the trust. So choose that right now.
Say that with me. I am a woman whose time is
valuable. Repeat that I am a woman whose
time is valuable. And my future wife is going to
(25:21):
be consistent. My future wife is going to be
caring and my future wife is going to be considerate.
And I am going to be consistent.I am going to be caring.
(25:42):
I am going to be what was my last word, now I'm blinking
considerate. I'm going to be considerate
because I love her, whoever she is, my future wife, I am being
these things now and I will not tolerate less than them because
that is the energy that I'm putting out in the world that
(26:03):
you were going to align with. And I cannot wait to meet you.
So future wife, if you're listening, if you're in your car
or you're putting on your makeupor you're just listening to this
on your walk, I want you to repeat this stuff.
If you're listening, don't be shy.
Say it. Future wife, if you're
listening, show up on time, keepyour word, be consistent, and
(26:29):
I'm ready. For you.
I'm ready for you. OK, Thanks for listening.
Queer women rising. Make wise choices.
Be the woman that you want to date so she and you can be at
the same vibration. She can come into your life you.
(26:52):
Can be in the. Place that is healthy.
The kind of woman who sits at extravagant, extraordinary
tables. I always think of Mean Girls
like you can't sit with us. No, you got to be the kind of
woman who. Sits at the table.
With other extraordinary queer women.
And if you were looking for thattable and you're like Sophia,
(27:13):
where are they? Hi, I'm the luxury lesbian
matchmaker and there's three ways that I can introduce you to
women incredible women at the most exquisite queer community
table of monogamous lesbians. The first way is by joining the
queer Country Club go to queercountryclub.com or DM me
(27:35):
the word apply I'll send you over an application to work with
me in private matchmaking. This is for clients who want a
luxurious matchmaking experience, want the caviar of
lesbians served to them on a silver platter and who are
private or discreet, do not wantto be on a dating platform, and
would prefer for us to do our matchmaking behind the scenes
(27:57):
very carefully. I have women who are in high
places, women who live in countries where perhaps being
queer is not safe. I have clients in Dubai, I have
clients in Saudi, I have clientsin Africa, I have clients in
Europe, I have clients in America who work in the
(28:18):
government. I have clients across the board.
And the most extraordinary lesbians in the world who want
to have a discreet dating experience for whatever reason
is personal to them. It's OK.
I love what I do there. It's magical to me.
Making those matches makes my heart sing.
(28:39):
It's the most fulfilling job I could ever ask for.
And and the third way that you can meet women and be invited to
sit at this metaphorical table with us is by sitting at the
real table in real life. By coming on a luxury lesbian
retreat with me and 8 to 12 extraordinary single lesbians
from around the world. By the time this episode comes
(29:02):
out, we may be offering more women to come on the retreat.
It might be closer to 20. You'll have to look at the
landing page and the details. The details on this.
Podcast, I'm not sure what that will be at me and the team are
figuring it out. We want to give you guys the
most opportunity to meet the most singles at the event.
(29:24):
So check it out or DM me the word retreat.
But you can find the link for that in the show notes as well.
I would love to have you sit at our table, especially if you're
like, I don't fit in at queer parties.
That's not my thing. Help me meet some quality women.
That is what I do. That is my specialty.
(29:44):
That is honestly what I have been living for.
I truly feel it's my purpose. And I'd love to help you.
OK, queer women, go out there. Keep living your best life, keep
raising your standards, and keeprising.
(30:22):
The. None.
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