July 28, 2025 • 25 mins
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Don’t try this at home.
Two Lesbians. One carrot.
It was fun until it wasn’t.
Trigger warning: this episode includes my experience with sexual assault.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
OK, I don't think anyone's prepared for this episode, not
even me. Make sure your children aren't
listening. Welcome back to Queer Woman
Rising. I'm your host, Cynthia Spilino.
Today's episode is going to be alittle different.
I don't even know if I can make eye contact with the camera
because I normally talk about love and relationships and
(00:21):
dating and a little bit less about, like, my personal sex
life. But today's episode is going to
be different. Let's title it 2 lesbians, one
carrot. Again, please make sure your
children are away when you're listening to this episode.
OK, where do I start with this? I so I've been seeing someone
(00:45):
who for a little while has been talking about like her greatest
fantasies. And normally when someone talks
about an ex and things they did with an ex, I'm like, I would
never do that because I never want to be like in your head,
like you wanting to do somethingyou do with the ex.
I don't want to be like, I don'tknow, compared.
(01:07):
I don't want to do anything thatyou and your ex did.
If you and your ex went on vacation, So and so like, I
don't want to go there. Let's go somewhere different.
Let's do something different. But this has been something
different because I always did older women and they're like,
Oh, I did this like 20 years agoand I'm like haunts me like I
just want to do it again and areyou OK?
(01:29):
And that thing is carrots. Please no one send this video to
my sponsor. I've worked with WISP for three
years. Feel like IA lot of people
should never encourage any womanto put anything up their pussy
(01:50):
because it's not healthy for youand you can literally get like
BV. Honestly, my girl's very
sensitive. Like literally certain toys I
don't even like, not a good idea.
I'm so sensitive. I use like balancing, wash,
baking soda, all the things because of how sensitive I am.
(02:12):
So I can't believe I actually did this.
So yeah, not recommending it forlegal purposes.
Do not try anything that I am sharing in this video, no matter
how nice it was. Do not do not do this at home,
OK? So she tells me she has like
this fantasy and I'm like, cool,like I'll make it happen.
(02:36):
I go to Whole Foods and this bagwas like triple as thick.
OK we did not use all the carrots but I've been eating
lots of carrots. Like apparently eating like 3 to
5 carrots a day like really big ones can make you tan.
So I'm down for that. With that being said, if you can
hear me like moving around a bagof carrots you should be
(02:56):
watching the Spotify or the YouTube or actually don't.
But you would see me sitting in a swimsuit cover up that I'm
wearing with like a strapless bra and have no intention of
going to the pool because I thought I would at least be
going to like Vegas or South of France this summer.
And I bought this really bougie swimsuit cover up like a couple
years ago. Never wore it as much as I
(03:17):
should. And I just want to get my
money's worth of it. OK, so I've turned it into a
dress for the day. For real.
You should see it. It's cute.
If you're not watching, that's what you're missing.
That being said this is the weirdest thing I've ever done
and it takes a lot of trust and I pulled up what ChatGPT said
(03:40):
about trying this at home because I just want to read it
to you so you don't do it. Using a carrot or any non body
safe object during sex can be dangerous for several reasons.
One risk of break insurance breakage.
Carrots can snap under pressure,it can break inside the body and
cause internal injury and may require medical removal.
(04:02):
If I had to go to my small town Lafayette hospital, go to the
general where my little sister works, pull up and be like pull
a carrot out. My This is coming from a girl
who literally like still struggles to masturbate because
(04:23):
of religious trauma. Like I was doing this for this
lady, OK? It wasn't for me, OK, Do not
blame me for any of these thingsthat I'm about to share with
you. But yes, do not do it at home
because carrots can snap under pressure and it may require
medical removal if that would happen.
(04:44):
Second reason, it's not sanitaryapparently because carrots are
porous and can harbor bacteria after washing and this can
increase the risk of vaginal infection such as BV or yeast
infections. I would be the first one to tell
you don't do this. I literally have been making
WISP commercials for three years.
I know BVUTI yeast infection symptoms like nobody's business
(05:08):
because that has been like my little side hustle, like making
medical commercials. So like, I know don't do this
shit, but when you have a big crush on someone and they're
like I really want to do this and you're a little soft hearted
pussy lesbian like me, you let him, OK, Don't do this at home
(05:31):
#3 There's no flared base. Now.
I don't understand what that means.
Let me think about this. No flared base.
I think that means that like, OKwith like a sex toy, there's
like a like a flatter part that can't like, it's almost like a
stop. Like it can't go further inside
of 1's body because the base is like, too big to fit.
(05:54):
And yeah, this is great chat. GPG says if inserted anally, a
carrot can slip in entirely because it lacks A flared base.
This is an emergency room situation.
Never insert anything into the anus that you can't securely
hold on to. That's scary.
OK, first of all, this was not anything going there at all.
(06:17):
Nothing in the behind ever. OK so if you're going to
experiment though, ChatGPT goes further to say always use a
condom over the carrot but it's still not recommended.
And avoid inserting deeply or anally.
And never use one that's broken,splintered or peeled.
Peeled. Interesting.
(06:38):
She definitely peeled it. Better yet, opt for body safe
silicone toys shaped like whatever you like and then ask
if it wants me to recommend sometoys.
OK, I have to tell you, please don't do this beep for all those
reasons. But with that being said, she's
had this fantasy and it goes even further.
(06:58):
She has a fantasy of pretending she's giving me a massage like
look, a masseuse, like a masseuse gone a rye, a little
Scandi Scandi masseuse. And so she like makes the room
like a little spa. And earlier that day she's like,
this is an act of love. Like I'm going to peel the
carrots. I'm going to put the carrots in
(07:20):
the freezer. We're going to freeze the
carrots. But then like at 4 PMI come out
of my office, she's staying at my house for a couple days.
I come out of my office and I see like carrots in a Ziploc bag
that have been like peeled theseorganic carrots.
She cleaned them, peeled them, whatever.
I see them sitting on my island,like dripping.
(07:42):
And I'm like, what? Like what's going on?
Why are you taking out the freezer?
And she's like, oh, like they got too frosty.
I'm starting to think, ma'am, maybe you do this with every
girl because like, how do you know what proper temperature
acclimated carrots look like? Like if you've done this once
and it was like your thing and you've always longed to do it
again. Like, that's what I thought I
(08:03):
was getting into, but I feel like she had a little too much
knowledge about, like, the primeconditions for carrot freezing.
And in that moment, I was like, you know, I'm not going to ask
any questions. Like, I'm just letting her go
with it. But like, I don't buy into this
bullshit that you've only done this once.
Like if you're watching this, ma'am, I don't buy into your
bullshit, OK? Like, it was fun, but I don't
(08:26):
buy it. So for those who want to know
how this works, she literally like, shaved the carrots.
Like you're about to eat it, youknow that sort of thing like
clean it, shave it, put it in the freezer.
Don't put it in the freezer too long because it might get like a
little icy. I have no idea what that means.
Anyway, I told her I was puttingthem back in the freezer because
I didn't want to risk like a soft limp carrot breaking in me
(08:51):
like a defrosting carrot like that.
That freaked me The So I put it back in the freezer and we went
out on a little date night, which was so fun actually,
because in my small town of Lafayette, like there's not much
to do on a Monday night, but there's this restaurant called
Charlie G's and they play live music on Monday night.
(09:13):
So if you're ever in Lafayette and you want some good live
music, a little date night, a little wine, sit around with
some old people and be the only gay people in the room, go to
Charlie G's great food. I highly recommend the sea bass.
It's not like go to every time. So we're sitting there and the
girl that was serving us, like she was just giving gay.
(09:36):
So we ended up having a great conversation.
I was like, you're gay, right? She was a femme too, but I just
knew she was gay. It was kind of weird.
Like it was just like the way that she was smiling.
So anyway, we had a great littlenight and then we came home and
took this like bubble bath. And then she's like laid out and
I'm like, oh, great, I know it'sabout to happen.
(09:57):
Now. For many of you ladies out
there, this is like normal behavior.
Not carrots, but like penetration.
Normal. For me, it's not.
I didn't realize that there's some like sexual trauma there
that I've had to work through the last few years.
(10:20):
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(10:42):
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(11:04):
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(11:26):
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(11:47):
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(12:09):
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(12:31):
All your Kitty needs. You're welcome.
OK, back to the show. On the retreats that I go on to
Canyon Ranch with my clients, wetalk so much about everything,
like everything. We get close really fast.
And what I have learned is probably 70% of the queer women
that I've encountered do enjoy penetration.
(12:53):
I truly thought most lesbians didn't.
Apparently lesbians enjoy strap ONS.
Lesbians. Some lesbians enjoy wearing
their strap ONS like at other times of day rather than just
sexy time. Some lesbians like, wear it to
go out on a date and only their partner know it.
That's like under their outfit. I didn't know these things.
(13:17):
I heard these things on the retreat and I was like, wow, OK,
So like, am I missing out on so much?
But I also like, don't want that.
We're definitely not gonna get into why I don't want that
because this is a happy podcast,not a trauma podcast episode.
But you can guess why I don't like penetration.
And I know, like, I literally know someone's going to send
(13:42):
this to someone I know and be like, oh, she's only gay because
she was raped. No, been gay.
Sorry. I want to make sure that I'm
hitting all the notes. My computer has, like,
everything that I want to share.So I'm like, looking at it and
my screen goes dark every few minutes.
OK, So I have always known I wasgay, like literally first
(14:02):
memories at like 5 years old. But yeah, even though I'm with
women, I don't, I, I have not wanted that because of what
happened to me. No big deal.
I'm good. I'm good now.
And most of the women that I've dated have like, that's not been
(14:25):
their thing. So it's really not a big deal at
all. But in this particular
situation, I felt extremely safeand honestly never felt safer in
any sort of sexual experience because of the level of depth of
(14:48):
friendship that I have with thissexual partner.
So she's like, tell me if it, ifyou know, I, I like want you to
be comfortable, relaxed. She does like the whole massage
thing. And then it starts happening.
OK. And I'm like, by the time she's
done with the massage, like I'm,I'm excited about the carrot.
(15:13):
Like she was doing all the things that need to be done in a
massage, right? Like I was like, OK, bring it
on. And then like the little carrot
touched my body and it's cold. Like it was really cold.
But somehow I was so into it. I was not expecting that at all
at all, especially as a girl whodoesn't like penetration.
(15:34):
But I was so freaking there for it.
And I enjoyed, I enjoyed the frozen carrot.
What can I say I did. But I will say and like this is
definitely something that isn't as happy like after it was
finished. Like, I hugged her and just
(15:54):
cried my eyes out because I had never been open to penetration
for a reason. And it brought back some things.
So like, the entire experience was beautiful and sexy.
And then at the very end, my brain went elsewhere and I had
(16:15):
to open my eyes. Remember that I was with a woman
that I trusted, that loved and cared about me.
And it sent me into a little spiral for like 12 hours where I
just couldn't stop thinking about trauma and healing it and
(16:36):
forgiving it. And then also being like, OK, I
would do this again with you, but would I do it with anyone
else? Because, and by this I mean like
any sort of penetrative thing. I don't know.
I can't tell you. All I can tell you is right now
I enjoyed the experience. I will not be doing anything
with a carrot for a long time orany other toy or anything
(17:00):
because of what it brought up for me.
I will be cleaning these carrotsand eating them all and I'm
noticing I'm getting a little more color because I am
literally as white as a sheet ofpaper.
So I'm going to keep eating the carrots.
I might even keep buying carrotsand eating the carrots and
getting the tan and just know the carrots that were used in
(17:21):
this act were thrown away. I think it was even one carrot.
She had two just in case. I'm like, in case of what?
Like you're afraid of 1 breaking?
Oh, wait, she was. She probably wanted me to
reciprocate. I assume I am a very big
believer in reciprocation in thebedroom.
OK, some people aren't. Some people were like, I'm here
(17:42):
to please you, Mommy. No, no, no.
I'm all about the reciprocation.In fact, I usually like my girl
to have an orgasm before I do. I'm like far too dominant in
that way. And it sucks because I like to
be a dominant woman. But then I outdone them in bed.
Even like the most badass women in the world that you know and
love. I don't let them stand a chance
(18:04):
in bed and then crave someone being more dominant than me.
And then they can't do it because I have completely
pummeled them into submission. But in this case, In this case,
she started, she finished. I ended up crying so intensely
(18:28):
and remembering so much trauma. It was like I, I remember like
literally like crying be like this was worse than EMDR therapy
for this. And it went from being so good
and being so in tune and feelingso at peace with her and feeling
different sensations in my body that I'm not used to because I
(18:49):
haven't done penetration in years to holy shit, there's some
more healing to do here. And so no, she didn't expect me
to reciprocate because I was bawling my eyes out.
This is probably way too much toshare in a podcast, but you know
what I have learned going on theretreats with women and sharing
(19:11):
all that? We share the sadly, the most
traumatic things that we've experienced, someone else has
experienced too, Like the craziest, most outrageous abuse,
horrific things. Sadly, if it wasn't another
woman on that retreat, I witnessed it from the retreat
before the retreat before. You're not alone in whatever's
(19:33):
happened to you, and I encourageyou to work through your things
because I didn't know. I didn't know that this was
still a thing for me. I thought I was going into
something completely fun. And this would have been
extremely traumatic if I wouldn't have had this safety
with the person that I did. Because when she felt my energy
(19:55):
shift, it was like literally just holding me and rubbing my
head. And she knew exactly.
Like I feel like there was a part of her that knew.
I think she even said that afterlike I knew this could
potentially happen. Like I knew that it would either
go really, really great or you would like it would bring up a
(20:17):
lot of trauma and I would say both happened.
I wish that I that wouldn't havehappened because it was so much
fun until it wasn't. Like, have you ever had those
moments? Like it's so much fun until it
isn't? It's kind of like being on the
dance floor, having the perfect amount of champagne until all of
a sudden you spend too much and you feel like you're going to
throw up. That was this experience.
(20:43):
Yeah. Carrots, it was hot.
It was really hot until it wasn't.
I'm curious, if you are someone who's gone through some trauma,
how do you feel about penetration?
I have gone four years. Four years.
What day is it today? July 12th.
(21:04):
Almost four years. I don't know.
We're not going to get at least 3 1/2, maybe 4 1/2 years of
being exclusively lesbian, desiring 0 penetration.
And to be clear, there was 0 desire here.
I was just kind of like into making my partner happy because
I feel like that's sexy. But that was intense and I had
(21:30):
such intense cry. It was a spiritual experience
because like, I went to another place.
I had two glasses of wine in my system.
I cried, like, heaved, cried, and then like was yawning.
Like I felt like I was releasingsomething spiritually, like, OK,
(21:53):
whatever that was. It's like it had to leave
whatever trauma that was, whatever darkness that was from
what had happened years and years and years ago.
I don't know if you've ever had that experience.
I'm curious, like if you have had sexual trauma, do you stay
(22:14):
away from penetration? Are you one of the girls that
craves it more? Have you had that breakthrough
moment like I had where you feellike you're like losing your
marbles because you're experiencing something, but then
all of a sudden the trauma comesin?
And then the realist question that I selfishly need to know is
(22:36):
I am scared to death to have a penetrative experience at the
partner again because I don't want to feel those feelings
again. I don't want to relive anything.
I don't want to be reminded of something like I'm scared that
(22:58):
it will bring up that again. But at the same time, there's
this other part that was like, Ienjoyed making my partner happy
and if I ever had a partner who that would make them happy that
I want to be able to do that. So maybe I just need to call
Darshana, who is the sexologist that I know and be like, help
(23:20):
me, help me with this. I I definitely know just from
being in the coaching world for so long that like what I would
tell myself if I was a client was go continue EMDR therapy,
work on solo masturbation and figure it out solo.
(23:43):
The problem is I have 0 desire to figure out things solo like
that that actually feels scarierto have those emotions come up
on my own than to be with someone that I feel completely
100% safe with and like held Elvis making any sense.
(24:06):
This was the most vulnerable podcast I'd put out in a while,
but honestly the carrot thing was the weirdest, coolest,
hottest thing with the way she did it.
I couldn't keep it to my fault. I'm trying to be cool to take a
(24:30):
bite right now. I need to go wash these though.
I need to go like scrape them before I eat them.
What can I say? I'm, I'm, I'm going to not do
that with the carrot again, especially once I looked at the
(24:55):
research after I did it. Always look at the research
before you do it. That's all I have to say.
It was the weirdest episode ever.
It started off as like a sexy fantasy.
But guess what? That's what happened to me.
Didn't end like a sexy fantasy, ended like a sexy fantasy turned
(25:15):
into Horror Story. But I can count my blessings
because I didn't have to pull upto the Lafayette General
Hospital where they carried out my couch.
That broke. That didn't happen.
Praise the good Lord.
OK, I don't think anyone's prepared for this episode, not
even me. Make sure your children aren't
listening. Welcome back to Queer Woman
Rising. I'm your host, Cynthia Spilino.
Today's episode is going to be alittle different.
I don't even know if I can make eye contact with the camera
because I normally talk about love and relationships and
(00:21):
dating and a little bit less about, like, my personal sex
life. But today's episode is going to
be different. Let's title it 2 lesbians, one
carrot. Again, please make sure your
children are away when you're listening to this episode.
OK, where do I start with this? I so I've been seeing someone
(00:45):
who for a little while has been talking about like her greatest
fantasies. And normally when someone talks
about an ex and things they did with an ex, I'm like, I would
never do that because I never want to be like in your head,
like you wanting to do somethingyou do with the ex.
I don't want to be like, I don'tknow, compared.
(01:07):
I don't want to do anything thatyou and your ex did.
If you and your ex went on vacation, So and so like, I
don't want to go there. Let's go somewhere different.
Let's do something different. But this has been something
different because I always did older women and they're like,
Oh, I did this like 20 years agoand I'm like haunts me like I
just want to do it again and areyou OK?
(01:29):
And that thing is carrots. Please no one send this video to
my sponsor. I've worked with WISP for three
years. Feel like IA lot of people
should never encourage any womanto put anything up their pussy
(01:50):
because it's not healthy for youand you can literally get like
BV. Honestly, my girl's very
sensitive. Like literally certain toys I
don't even like, not a good idea.
I'm so sensitive. I use like balancing, wash,
baking soda, all the things because of how sensitive I am.
(02:12):
So I can't believe I actually did this.
So yeah, not recommending it forlegal purposes.
Do not try anything that I am sharing in this video, no matter
how nice it was. Do not do not do this at home,
OK? So she tells me she has like
this fantasy and I'm like, cool,like I'll make it happen.
(02:36):
I go to Whole Foods and this bagwas like triple as thick.
OK we did not use all the carrots but I've been eating
lots of carrots. Like apparently eating like 3 to
5 carrots a day like really big ones can make you tan.
So I'm down for that. With that being said, if you can
hear me like moving around a bagof carrots you should be
(02:56):
watching the Spotify or the YouTube or actually don't.
But you would see me sitting in a swimsuit cover up that I'm
wearing with like a strapless bra and have no intention of
going to the pool because I thought I would at least be
going to like Vegas or South of France this summer.
And I bought this really bougie swimsuit cover up like a couple
years ago. Never wore it as much as I
(03:17):
should. And I just want to get my
money's worth of it. OK, so I've turned it into a
dress for the day. For real.
You should see it. It's cute.
If you're not watching, that's what you're missing.
That being said this is the weirdest thing I've ever done
and it takes a lot of trust and I pulled up what ChatGPT said
(03:40):
about trying this at home because I just want to read it
to you so you don't do it. Using a carrot or any non body
safe object during sex can be dangerous for several reasons.
One risk of break insurance breakage.
Carrots can snap under pressure,it can break inside the body and
cause internal injury and may require medical removal.
(04:02):
If I had to go to my small town Lafayette hospital, go to the
general where my little sister works, pull up and be like pull
a carrot out. My This is coming from a girl
who literally like still struggles to masturbate because
(04:23):
of religious trauma. Like I was doing this for this
lady, OK? It wasn't for me, OK, Do not
blame me for any of these thingsthat I'm about to share with
you. But yes, do not do it at home
because carrots can snap under pressure and it may require
medical removal if that would happen.
(04:44):
Second reason, it's not sanitaryapparently because carrots are
porous and can harbor bacteria after washing and this can
increase the risk of vaginal infection such as BV or yeast
infections. I would be the first one to tell
you don't do this. I literally have been making
WISP commercials for three years.
I know BVUTI yeast infection symptoms like nobody's business
(05:08):
because that has been like my little side hustle, like making
medical commercials. So like, I know don't do this
shit, but when you have a big crush on someone and they're
like I really want to do this and you're a little soft hearted
pussy lesbian like me, you let him, OK, Don't do this at home
(05:31):
#3 There's no flared base. Now.
I don't understand what that means.
Let me think about this. No flared base.
I think that means that like, OKwith like a sex toy, there's
like a like a flatter part that can't like, it's almost like a
stop. Like it can't go further inside
of 1's body because the base is like, too big to fit.
(05:54):
And yeah, this is great chat. GPG says if inserted anally, a
carrot can slip in entirely because it lacks A flared base.
This is an emergency room situation.
Never insert anything into the anus that you can't securely
hold on to. That's scary.
OK, first of all, this was not anything going there at all.
(06:17):
Nothing in the behind ever. OK so if you're going to
experiment though, ChatGPT goes further to say always use a
condom over the carrot but it's still not recommended.
And avoid inserting deeply or anally.
And never use one that's broken,splintered or peeled.
Peeled. Interesting.
(06:38):
She definitely peeled it. Better yet, opt for body safe
silicone toys shaped like whatever you like and then ask
if it wants me to recommend sometoys.
OK, I have to tell you, please don't do this beep for all those
reasons. But with that being said, she's
had this fantasy and it goes even further.
(06:58):
She has a fantasy of pretending she's giving me a massage like
look, a masseuse, like a masseuse gone a rye, a little
Scandi Scandi masseuse. And so she like makes the room
like a little spa. And earlier that day she's like,
this is an act of love. Like I'm going to peel the
carrots. I'm going to put the carrots in
(07:20):
the freezer. We're going to freeze the
carrots. But then like at 4 PMI come out
of my office, she's staying at my house for a couple days.
I come out of my office and I see like carrots in a Ziploc bag
that have been like peeled theseorganic carrots.
She cleaned them, peeled them, whatever.
I see them sitting on my island,like dripping.
(07:42):
And I'm like, what? Like what's going on?
Why are you taking out the freezer?
And she's like, oh, like they got too frosty.
I'm starting to think, ma'am, maybe you do this with every
girl because like, how do you know what proper temperature
acclimated carrots look like? Like if you've done this once
and it was like your thing and you've always longed to do it
again. Like, that's what I thought I
(08:03):
was getting into, but I feel like she had a little too much
knowledge about, like, the primeconditions for carrot freezing.
And in that moment, I was like, you know, I'm not going to ask
any questions. Like, I'm just letting her go
with it. But like, I don't buy into this
bullshit that you've only done this once.
Like if you're watching this, ma'am, I don't buy into your
bullshit, OK? Like, it was fun, but I don't
(08:26):
buy it. So for those who want to know
how this works, she literally like, shaved the carrots.
Like you're about to eat it, youknow that sort of thing like
clean it, shave it, put it in the freezer.
Don't put it in the freezer too long because it might get like a
little icy. I have no idea what that means.
Anyway, I told her I was puttingthem back in the freezer because
I didn't want to risk like a soft limp carrot breaking in me
(08:51):
like a defrosting carrot like that.
That freaked me The So I put it back in the freezer and we went
out on a little date night, which was so fun actually,
because in my small town of Lafayette, like there's not much
to do on a Monday night, but there's this restaurant called
Charlie G's and they play live music on Monday night.
(09:13):
So if you're ever in Lafayette and you want some good live
music, a little date night, a little wine, sit around with
some old people and be the only gay people in the room, go to
Charlie G's great food. I highly recommend the sea bass.
It's not like go to every time. So we're sitting there and the
girl that was serving us, like she was just giving gay.
(09:36):
So we ended up having a great conversation.
I was like, you're gay, right? She was a femme too, but I just
knew she was gay. It was kind of weird.
Like it was just like the way that she was smiling.
So anyway, we had a great littlenight and then we came home and
took this like bubble bath. And then she's like laid out and
I'm like, oh, great, I know it'sabout to happen.
(09:57):
Now. For many of you ladies out
there, this is like normal behavior.
Not carrots, but like penetration.
Normal. For me, it's not.
I didn't realize that there's some like sexual trauma there
that I've had to work through the last few years.
(10:20):
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All your Kitty needs. You're welcome.
OK, back to the show. On the retreats that I go on to
Canyon Ranch with my clients, wetalk so much about everything,
like everything. We get close really fast.
And what I have learned is probably 70% of the queer women
that I've encountered do enjoy penetration.
(12:53):
I truly thought most lesbians didn't.
Apparently lesbians enjoy strap ONS.
Lesbians. Some lesbians enjoy wearing
their strap ONS like at other times of day rather than just
sexy time. Some lesbians like, wear it to
go out on a date and only their partner know it.
That's like under their outfit. I didn't know these things.
(13:17):
I heard these things on the retreat and I was like, wow, OK,
So like, am I missing out on so much?
But I also like, don't want that.
We're definitely not gonna get into why I don't want that
because this is a happy podcast,not a trauma podcast episode.
But you can guess why I don't like penetration.
And I know, like, I literally know someone's going to send
(13:42):
this to someone I know and be like, oh, she's only gay because
she was raped. No, been gay.
Sorry. I want to make sure that I'm
hitting all the notes. My computer has, like,
everything that I want to share.So I'm like, looking at it and
my screen goes dark every few minutes.
OK, So I have always known I wasgay, like literally first
(14:02):
memories at like 5 years old. But yeah, even though I'm with
women, I don't, I, I have not wanted that because of what
happened to me. No big deal.
I'm good. I'm good now.
And most of the women that I've dated have like, that's not been
(14:25):
their thing. So it's really not a big deal at
all. But in this particular
situation, I felt extremely safeand honestly never felt safer in
any sort of sexual experience because of the level of depth of
(14:48):
friendship that I have with thissexual partner.
So she's like, tell me if it, ifyou know, I, I like want you to
be comfortable, relaxed. She does like the whole massage
thing. And then it starts happening.
OK. And I'm like, by the time she's
done with the massage, like I'm,I'm excited about the carrot.
(15:13):
Like she was doing all the things that need to be done in a
massage, right? Like I was like, OK, bring it
on. And then like the little carrot
touched my body and it's cold. Like it was really cold.
But somehow I was so into it. I was not expecting that at all
at all, especially as a girl whodoesn't like penetration.
(15:34):
But I was so freaking there for it.
And I enjoyed, I enjoyed the frozen carrot.
What can I say I did. But I will say and like this is
definitely something that isn't as happy like after it was
finished. Like, I hugged her and just
(15:54):
cried my eyes out because I had never been open to penetration
for a reason. And it brought back some things.
So like, the entire experience was beautiful and sexy.
And then at the very end, my brain went elsewhere and I had
(16:15):
to open my eyes. Remember that I was with a woman
that I trusted, that loved and cared about me.
And it sent me into a little spiral for like 12 hours where I
just couldn't stop thinking about trauma and healing it and
(16:36):
forgiving it. And then also being like, OK, I
would do this again with you, but would I do it with anyone
else? Because, and by this I mean like
any sort of penetrative thing. I don't know.
I can't tell you. All I can tell you is right now
I enjoyed the experience. I will not be doing anything
with a carrot for a long time orany other toy or anything
(17:00):
because of what it brought up for me.
I will be cleaning these carrotsand eating them all and I'm
noticing I'm getting a little more color because I am
literally as white as a sheet ofpaper.
So I'm going to keep eating the carrots.
I might even keep buying carrotsand eating the carrots and
getting the tan and just know the carrots that were used in
(17:21):
this act were thrown away. I think it was even one carrot.
She had two just in case. I'm like, in case of what?
Like you're afraid of 1 breaking?
Oh, wait, she was. She probably wanted me to
reciprocate. I assume I am a very big
believer in reciprocation in thebedroom.
OK, some people aren't. Some people were like, I'm here
(17:42):
to please you, Mommy. No, no, no.
I'm all about the reciprocation.In fact, I usually like my girl
to have an orgasm before I do. I'm like far too dominant in
that way. And it sucks because I like to
be a dominant woman. But then I outdone them in bed.
Even like the most badass women in the world that you know and
love. I don't let them stand a chance
(18:04):
in bed and then crave someone being more dominant than me.
And then they can't do it because I have completely
pummeled them into submission. But in this case, In this case,
she started, she finished. I ended up crying so intensely
(18:28):
and remembering so much trauma. It was like I, I remember like
literally like crying be like this was worse than EMDR therapy
for this. And it went from being so good
and being so in tune and feelingso at peace with her and feeling
different sensations in my body that I'm not used to because I
(18:49):
haven't done penetration in years to holy shit, there's some
more healing to do here. And so no, she didn't expect me
to reciprocate because I was bawling my eyes out.
This is probably way too much toshare in a podcast, but you know
what I have learned going on theretreats with women and sharing
(19:11):
all that? We share the sadly, the most
traumatic things that we've experienced, someone else has
experienced too, Like the craziest, most outrageous abuse,
horrific things. Sadly, if it wasn't another
woman on that retreat, I witnessed it from the retreat
before the retreat before. You're not alone in whatever's
(19:33):
happened to you, and I encourageyou to work through your things
because I didn't know. I didn't know that this was
still a thing for me. I thought I was going into
something completely fun. And this would have been
extremely traumatic if I wouldn't have had this safety
with the person that I did. Because when she felt my energy
(19:55):
shift, it was like literally just holding me and rubbing my
head. And she knew exactly.
Like I feel like there was a part of her that knew.
I think she even said that afterlike I knew this could
potentially happen. Like I knew that it would either
go really, really great or you would like it would bring up a
(20:17):
lot of trauma and I would say both happened.
I wish that I that wouldn't havehappened because it was so much
fun until it wasn't. Like, have you ever had those
moments? Like it's so much fun until it
isn't? It's kind of like being on the
dance floor, having the perfect amount of champagne until all of
a sudden you spend too much and you feel like you're going to
throw up. That was this experience.
(20:43):
Yeah. Carrots, it was hot.
It was really hot until it wasn't.
I'm curious, if you are someone who's gone through some trauma,
how do you feel about penetration?
I have gone four years. Four years.
What day is it today? July 12th.
(21:04):
Almost four years. I don't know.
We're not going to get at least 3 1/2, maybe 4 1/2 years of
being exclusively lesbian, desiring 0 penetration.
And to be clear, there was 0 desire here.
I was just kind of like into making my partner happy because
I feel like that's sexy. But that was intense and I had
(21:30):
such intense cry. It was a spiritual experience
because like, I went to another place.
I had two glasses of wine in my system.
I cried, like, heaved, cried, and then like was yawning.
Like I felt like I was releasingsomething spiritually, like, OK,
(21:53):
whatever that was. It's like it had to leave
whatever trauma that was, whatever darkness that was from
what had happened years and years and years ago.
I don't know if you've ever had that experience.
I'm curious, like if you have had sexual trauma, do you stay
(22:14):
away from penetration? Are you one of the girls that
craves it more? Have you had that breakthrough
moment like I had where you feellike you're like losing your
marbles because you're experiencing something, but then
all of a sudden the trauma comesin?
And then the realist question that I selfishly need to know is
(22:36):
I am scared to death to have a penetrative experience at the
partner again because I don't want to feel those feelings
again. I don't want to relive anything.
I don't want to be reminded of something like I'm scared that
(22:58):
it will bring up that again. But at the same time, there's
this other part that was like, Ienjoyed making my partner happy
and if I ever had a partner who that would make them happy that
I want to be able to do that. So maybe I just need to call
Darshana, who is the sexologist that I know and be like, help
(23:20):
me, help me with this. I I definitely know just from
being in the coaching world for so long that like what I would
tell myself if I was a client was go continue EMDR therapy,
work on solo masturbation and figure it out solo.
(23:43):
The problem is I have 0 desire to figure out things solo like
that that actually feels scarierto have those emotions come up
on my own than to be with someone that I feel completely
100% safe with and like held Elvis making any sense.
(24:06):
This was the most vulnerable podcast I'd put out in a while,
but honestly the carrot thing was the weirdest, coolest,
hottest thing with the way she did it.
I couldn't keep it to my fault. I'm trying to be cool to take a
(24:30):
bite right now. I need to go wash these though.
I need to go like scrape them before I eat them.
What can I say? I'm, I'm, I'm going to not do
that with the carrot again, especially once I looked at the
(24:55):
research after I did it. Always look at the research
before you do it. That's all I have to say.
It was the weirdest episode ever.
It started off as like a sexy fantasy.
But guess what? That's what happened to me.
Didn't end like a sexy fantasy, ended like a sexy fantasy turned
(25:15):
into Horror Story. But I can count my blessings
because I didn't have to pull upto the Lafayette General
Hospital where they carried out my couch.
That broke. That didn't happen.
Praise the good Lord.
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