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Today, I dive into the truth of lesbian age gap relationships, the real, raw, and often misunderstood dynamics between women of different generations. Whether you're crushing on someone older, dating someone younger, or just curious how these relationships actually work… this episode is for you.
You’ll learn:
Why age gap love between women feels so different from straight dynamics
The benefits of dating someone in a different life stage
The very real challenges, and how to overcome them
How to make your relationship work, long-term, regardless of age
What makes these connections so powerful, so sexy, and so worth it
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Well, hello there, it's Sophia Splino here.
I'm so glad you're back listening to Queer Women Rising,
where we dodge the dating drama and rise into the relationships
that are emotionally available, expansive, aligned with our
values, and sexy. I definitely don't want to be in
a relationship if I'm not into it.
(00:22):
Like if I'm not obsessed with that person, I just don't want
to be in it. And I hate to break this news to
the public, but it is quite rarewhen I have any attraction to
someone my age or younger. For reference, I just turned 33
and I typically date women in their 50s to 60s.
(00:44):
And this episode is a juicy one because I'm going to be talking
about lesbian age gap relationships, the pros and cons
of age gap love. And I feel like I've got a good
handle on this because I'm 33. I've been dating the age gap way
since 26. Of course, I was in the closet
(01:04):
then. But yeah, I've always had like,
these intense friendships with women older than me since I was
really, really young. For better or worse, they did
not really know what was going on.
But in my head, it was somethingintense and it's never really
changed. Like I'm just attracted to women
20 plus years older. So whether you've dated someone
(01:28):
five years, 10 years, 15 years older or younger, or you're just
curious if the attraction you feel for someone outside of your
generation could actually work long term, this episode is going
to give you my personal pros, cons, perspectives, and the keys
to making it work. One of the most special things
(01:53):
about lesbian age gap relationships is that we get to
defy traditional expectations, which this is something that
queer people get to do all the time.
I love that for us. But unlike age gap heterosexual
relationships where men are expected to lead and dominate
(02:14):
lesbian couples, we get the chance to create our own
dynamic, a dynamic that's reallybalanced, more intentional and
honestly more empowering. But there's still times where it
cannot be empowering. And there's a power struggle,
which I'm going to get into withthe cons.
But for the most part, we get tobring something very unique to
(02:37):
the table. And when it does work, it's
extremely magnetic, extremely sexy.
There is nothing like a mommy inbed.
I just man, there's just not I Iwish I could shake it.
If you've been in an age gap relationship before, you know
when it's good, it is so good. But like any love story, there
(03:00):
are highs and lows, pros and cons.
So I'm going to break it down. My thoughts first of all pros
are emotional maturity. Older women typically bring
emotional intelligence and life experience, which can make the
relationship feel more stable and safe.
Now, does that mean someone, just because of the age that
(03:24):
they are, are emotionally mature?
No, that number does not make someone emotionally mature.
Believe me, I've met plenty of immature women who didn't know
who the fuck they were in their 50s and wanted to stay in the
closet. But there are women who could
care less about what anyone thinks of them.
(03:46):
And I feel like you hit this after 40, specifically after 50.
From my experience, the women intheir 50s are so confident.
They love their bodies. They appreciate what their
bodies do for them. They're not shy about who they
are. They know what they stand for in
life. And I think that's really hot.
Also, you've had plenty of time to do the work now I will say
(04:09):
young 50s typically have done the work.
Older 50s could still, especially in the South, still
be a part of that generation of like doing the work is looked at
as a weak like they're you will notice at least right now I'm
noticing women in their 50s or either really self aware or they
(04:30):
were still stuck in the never goto therapy, never self reflect
vibe. So it's a hit or miss.
You're looking for someone with emotional maturity though, so
make sure that you do not proceed after a couple dates if
you see that they are over 50 ofany age and not emotionally
mature. OK, the second thing that's
(04:52):
really good about lesbian age gap relationships is having an
exciting perspective from someone else that you wouldn't
have with your same generation, because different generations
give us different world views. And that contrast can deepen the
relationship by encouraging a mutual growth and curiosity.
(05:14):
And also just like when you're on a date, you have something to
talk about because you didn't live the same experiences.
So yeah, I love that. I love hearing about how they
got to where they are, hearing their wise perspectives on
handling different things, whether that be in their
businesses or in their careers or in their family
(05:35):
relationships, like how did theysolve certain problems in their
life? They've got all this
perspective, all this with them,and I want to absorb it.
OK, The third thing I really love is security stability.
I am not going to lie about this.
Older partners are typically more financially secure and that
can make life feel a lot easier,a lot more grounded.
(05:58):
I want to go see the world. I don't want to be with someone
my age who is in the same phase as me.
I'm busting ass. I'm working hard, I'm building
my company, I work a lot, so I need someone to be working a
little bit less than me so that we could have time to see each
other. And my schedule's like so thick
(06:18):
that like someone who's already financially secure and who has
more flexibility, it's easier for us to make time to see each
other. So that's really important to
me. OK, Fun energy.
I think this is a big pro for someone who's older like having
someone because a lot of times, especially the women I meet in
(06:40):
my private platinum matchmaking,they are a lot older, but
they're very young in spirit andthey're brilliant.
They're highly educated and they've done really great things
in their life and their businessand they're just missing their
person. But with the problem is when
they go to date someone their age, they feel like they're all
like much older, acting like they're just not up with
(07:04):
technology or they just don't have the same world views.
Like there's some something thatis intriguing to them about
being with someone younger because they feel like they're a
young soul. And so they like when you have a
old soul, someone younger who's an old soul and a young soul
come together. I think that's a really good
(07:25):
balance. And that is what I am noticing
as a matchmaker and what I've noticed in my relationships.
The women I've had the longest relationships with who are older
than me had really young souls and have a really old soul.
So I feel like it was a good balance.
Then another thing that's reallygood is life stage learning.
(07:49):
So they're able to help me with things in my life stage that I
don't know, problems I don't know how to solve yet.
And I get to experience their knowledge.
And I touched on this a little bit before, but specifically
looking at life and chunks of seasons, like maybe they've had
(08:10):
children, maybe they're able to give advice on different things,
things that I wouldn't know about.
They have so much more mileage essentially, that it is a gift
to be able to witness and share and give to each other in that
way, which leads me into mentorship.
I have felt so mentored in my relationships, especially by one
(08:35):
woman. She has been very, very special
for a long time. She mentored me in business
because she's a successful business owner and it has meant
the world to me. And I'm not saying it like in a
parent child dynamic of mentorship.
(08:55):
I'm saying like woman to woman guidance has helped me flow
through so many transitions in my world and has been so
nurturing like a #1 fan. And I can also see how I breathe
life into her and her world and her work and helping her see
that OK, just because she's thisage doesn't mean she has to
(09:18):
fully retire. That there's these other visions
that she wants to bring to life.So while she can offer me
mentorship and guidance, I'm able to offer that life force
energy and almost like reverse mentorship.
Another thing that excites me isbreaking social norms.
(09:40):
I feel pretty badass walking in with someone old and hot, like
anyone 10 years older than me, 20 years older than me.
I'm just like, she's so pretty and she deserves to be
celebrated. And in Heteronormal society,
(10:02):
normative society, heteronormative.
What am I saying? Heteronormative society.
Women are deemed less valuable as they age, while men are
deemed more valuable, more desirable as they age.
And it really upsets me. And I have such a deep
attraction to older women that Ijust don't understand this.
(10:25):
And so I like the idea of breaking not only the norm of
dating someone older, but datinga woman who's older and the
ability to support her and make her feel like a badass because
she is. I love that.
I love it so much. OK.
But we we've got to talk about the cons because they are real
(10:46):
and it can affect your relationship and you need to
know this and you need to talk through these things before you
get into a relationship with someone significantly older than
you. And I would I would say
significantly is like over five years, 7 to 10 years.
That's like it's a good little gap. 20 years definitely you
need to be talking about these things before you lock it down
(11:08):
with somebody because you could just be too different.
So for the same reason that I love different life stages, it
could be a problem. I am chasing career goals and
you know, older women could be more focused on slowing down or
retiring. For me, I feel it works because
(11:29):
I like the idea of someone beingless busy so they're more
available when I have my free time.
So for me it works. But for other people that might
not work. If you're thinking about having
children or you have young children but you want to date
someone older who doesn't, I mean, they might not want to be
(11:49):
raising kids at their age. I I know people who do who
lesbians who wish they did get to have children never did.
It might be their greatest joy and blessing that you want
children or have children, but for some people it would be a
real problem. Many of the lesbians that are
doing private matchmaking with me are older successful
(12:10):
lesbians, never had kids, and have dated people with children
their whole life. And so they will tell me pretty
honestly during the consultations.
Like I'm open to dating someone with kids but I really don't
want them to be under 10. And I'm like I get it.
I get it because you've done this.
Like you've already raised someone else's children and now
you want to slow down and retireand travel with your person.
(12:32):
Everyone has different priorities.
Then again there there's older women who never got to have
children and it would be their greatest joy to help someone
raise a baby no matter how old they are.
I once had an older girlfriend and she would always smile at me
and even touch my tummy and say like I can't wait till you have
a baby. I just want to kiss your belly
(12:52):
all the time and make you feel like the most beautiful pregnant
lady in the world and just rock the baby all day while you do
your work or whatever. And it was so sincere and so
beautiful. And she had already had so many
children of her own and has two grandkids.
So it, it was really beautiful to see that she wanted something
(13:17):
that was like our experience. And it didn't matter how old she
was. And I look back on that, even
though we broke up, I look back on that fondly because it was so
sincere. And I think through her
pregnancies, she wasn't feeling loved or cherished.
And so for her, it was like, I just want to do that for you.
I want to make you feel beautiful.
(13:39):
And I, I know like women who have been married to men and
reproduced with men have had very different experiences
through pregnancy, through birththan lesbians have.
So I, my little sister is actually a nurse that delivers
babies. And I asked her like, who is the
(14:02):
greatest people to deliver babies for?
Like, are there stereotypes? And she just said the lesbians
are amazing. They're so supportive of each
other and I believe that to be true.
I really do. But another con of all this is
(14:22):
social judgement. As much as I could be proud, I
will tell you people judge age gap relationships.
They judge your intentions of being in an age gap
relationship. They may think that's the person
older just wants to be with someone young and hot and only
cares about sex. And then they may think about
(14:45):
the person younger only wanting to be with someone older for
their money or their assets or whatever it is.
I find even in queer spaces, youcan get some side eyes, you can
get some whispers. You're going to need some thick
skin and a really strong connection to ignore this kind
of backlash at times. The biggest one to me is power
(15:07):
dynamics. I feel like this con is
something that has to be talked about, especially as someone who
has been through so many age gaprelationships.
Especially with my last male partner.
I worked for him and so there was a power dynamic where I
depended on him financially. He was my boss.
And it can unintentionally control your decision making.
(15:33):
It can control how long you stayin a relationship.
It can just control all the finances in the relationship.
Like staying aware of that is very key.
If the person you're with doesn't want to make decisions
with you as a couple at a certain point in your
relationship, if they don't wantto make decisions as a couple
just because they may have more money or you may have more
(15:55):
money, that's a major red flag because the power dynamic is not
a couple. That takes you back to this
weird parent child dynamic wherethe parent makes all the
decisions and that's not a romantic relationship.
So making sure that you make decisions together, your partner
(16:16):
treats you look at equal. You don't put your partner above
you, they don't put you below them.
Super important. OK, another con that we can't
miss talking about is physical aging because at the end of the
day, we have to be honest about energy levels, sex drive, health
changes, being compassionate about all this.
(16:37):
The biggest thing that I've seenis women and menopause, although
they taste better because their pH balance makes them a little
less tangy and bad. They taste better but their sex
drives may be lower now if they are taking care of themselves,
balancing their hormones. I actually have found that their
(16:59):
sex drives are higher. In fact I've dated 3-4 older
women whose sex drives were so much higher and like always made
me feel feel like prey being chased and I freaking love that
it's so hot. But I have been through it with
someone who had a lower sex drive and until she took care of
(17:23):
that with testosterone or whatever her doctor was
recommending for her, it made mefeel less wanted.
And I have an extremely high sexdrive.
And I think that's because of just waiting to live my truth
for so long. Now I want to have sex every
single day, morning and night. And I need someone who
(17:48):
understands that. So if you're going to be older,
you have like your sex drives have to match.
But I will also say as a matchmaker, it's important that
your sex drives match no matter your age.
It's just talking about your expectations.
And honestly, it's like talking about any non negotiable
activity you want to do togetheras a couple.
If you want to go on a walk withyour partner and that's a love
(18:10):
language for you, that's how youwant to spend quality time or
you want to have sex every single whatever it is, you need
to talk about those expectations.
And physical aging plays a role in that.
But I will also say, I went through a really big health
challenge three years ago and I the woman I was talking to
literally told me she had to think about if she wanted to
still be with me because I was getting so sick so fast and lost
(18:33):
all my energy and could barely walk upstairs.
And I ended up figuring it out. It was really scary.
I had to work with a nutritionist for a while, but
all the stress really triggered some autoimmune things for me.
And it didn't matter that I was 31.
I was really sick and it made mefeel terrible that she didn't
know if she wanted to be with me.
(18:53):
I've also been with a man, my last relationship before coming
out of the closet, and he got a really, really strange, strange
symptoms. I don't want to go into it
because that's his personal stuff, but like there were six
months that I had to help him put on his blazer.
He couldn't lift his arms to putin his blazer, hold his
(19:15):
backpack, put on his shoes. He lost his eyesight for a day
or two. It was really scary.
And I remember him crying like ababy.
It was really sad when the diagnosis came and everything.
And then he just looked at me and was like, you're too young
to deal with this. And I was like, I would never
leave you because you're sick. Like we will get through it
(19:36):
together. We will get through it together.
And you know, unless I was gay, we would have gotten through it
together. So definitely something
important to think about is are you willing to be with your
partner through challenging times because you know, you
could be with someone who's older and who ages so gracefully
because they take care of themselves.
(19:56):
So I think being compassionate is what matters the most.
But couldn't go without saying physical aging is real different
future goals. That could be a con.
Sometimes age gap partners realize they're not aligned for
the long term because one wants to travel, one wants to nest.
That can cause friction, communication gaps.
(20:18):
I actually think these are more humorous, but some people could
feel really. Misaligned with communication
gaps, pop culture references, technology habits, emotional
processing styles could feel like a generational gap.
That's a big one. I think just for the younger
generation, we are so much more open to talking about our
(20:44):
feelings, whereas sometimes older women were still stuck in
that don't talk about your feelings, push them down world.
And then potential caregiving and long term age gap loved one
partner may become a caregiver. And it's important to talk about
what that looks like before you're forced to talk about it.
And what does that mean? I know many times in age gap
(21:09):
relationship, the older partner is giving so much more in the
beginning because the younger person is not as successful or
the younger person is, I don't know.
And then eventually the younger person becomes more of a
caregiver. I mean, that could happen in any
relationship. But I kind of think about it as
like you, there's couples that put each other through Med
(21:30):
school and then the doctor takescare of the person that put them
through Med school. I don't know, like it's just
it's a give and take and it's a give and take in all
relationships, but I suppose thegive and take is just a little
more highlighted in an age gap. Regardless of any of these cons
though, I have an affliction. I love older women and I don't
(21:55):
just think they're hotter. I literally like, no matter how
much therapy I do, it's just my thing.
There's something about their confidence.
They're grounded energy, just sexy grown woman that gets me
every time. And if you feel the same way, or
maybe you're the older woman in the dynamic who loves being
endured by a younger woman, let's talk about how to make it
(22:19):
work. OK, first of all, you guys know
what I'm going to say. I do this in all my
relationships. I talk about all these things
openly and honestly, and if you're new here, I'm really big
on talking about the deal Breakers right away.
That is why in my lesbian datingplatform, our Saffic Sophie AI
matchmaker will talk to you about those preferences right
(22:42):
away. If you're in the talking phase
with someone and you're not having conversations about the
things that are important to you, you're wasting your time in
the talking phase. I think another thing that you
can do is celebrate differences,OK?
Stop trying to shrink the age gap and let it be something
that's celebrated that expands your connection because I
(23:05):
promise every age brings something beautiful to the
relationship. I honestly know that like the
women that I've dated and the woman that I'm seeing now, like
if she is 90 and I get the privilege to be with her, I
swear she would be the most beautiful 90 year old I've ever
seen. And I'm going to get that old
(23:27):
too one day. So I just, I think we just
should celebrate the age and thefact that we're still alive.
The next thing that I think is so important is to talk about
keeping the power power balanced.
Both of your voices need to be equally valued.
You need to talk about loving without fear and knowing right
(23:48):
away. Does your person care about the
opinions of others and would shelet it rob you of something
magical? Because I have been in
relationships where they cared about what their children
thought and that hurt me a lot. A lot.
Like, they were like, I don't want my kids to see me with
(24:10):
someone so much younger. And let me tell you this, a Mama
bear is always going to put her kids first.
And if you're in a relationship with somebody who is already
worried about what her kids think and not what her partner
thinks, and it has to do with something that you can't change,
like your age, you have a problem.
(24:33):
Another thing that's super important is planning for the
future openly at a certain part in your relationship, OK, at a
certain point, you need to be talking about retirement,
caregiving, finances, health, not in a scary way, in a smart
way. That's what you do when you care
about somebody. If you are the younger person in
the relationship, you want to reassure your partner that you
(24:53):
are there no matter what, no matter what happens, you want to
help, you want to take care of them.
You are committed, you love them, and the older partner may
need to make you feel more secure just in case something
happens to them. If you're depending on them
financially, if you are getting accustomed to a lifestyle,
you're 2 years into the relationship and you wouldn't
have what you had without your older partner, then they need to
(25:16):
be making you feel safe and making sure you know about their
will, about how you would take care of yourself if something
tragic would happen to them so that they can feel secure.
Maintaining individuality is another thing that you need to
talk about because if you don't have your own passions and your
own friendships with people yourage and you keep those things
(25:38):
alive, which are easy to die offwhen you get into a
relationship. You know this, lesbians, when
you get into a relationship, youcan be so caught up in your
partner that your friendships die off.
And you need to make sure, especially in an age gap
relationship, that you're keeping your own passions and
your own friendships with peopleyour age alive.
Interdependence is going to be codependence every time,
(25:59):
especially in an age gap relationship.
Because if you have too much codependence, it feels like
parent, child relationship, being flexible, knowing that
your body's, your goals, your needs are going to change.
And I mean that for both people because there could be an older
(26:20):
woman who meets someone at 25 who says they don't want
children, they fall in love, butby 32, her biological clock is
ticking and she changes her mind.
So got to be flexible, learning from each other, being open to a
perspective that you wouldn't besimply because of someone's age
(26:40):
difference, knowing that it's safe to share your perspectives
and that it's safe to share yours because it's valued, that
your partner wants to hear from you.
And last but not least, it's so important to prioritize
emotional connection more than anything else.
Staying emotionally attuned. That is what keeps you so close
(27:04):
to your woman. When the rest of the world
doesn't get it or likes to put words in your mouth or write a
narrative that is just hard to get through.
It takes two people working together.
So by the time you listen to this, I hope you've been
thinking if you're in an age gaprelationship, what you need to
(27:25):
talk about with your partner. Or if you're not, would you be
down for it? Would age gap relationship be
right for you? Only you know.
But no matter what, I hope you gave you insight, validation, a
little hope maybe that I can be beautiful because I've had some
beautiful relationships and I'm excited for what God is giving
(27:47):
me next. Now, if you're looking for a
partner who gets you someone older, someone younger, someone
the exact same age as you have got you, there are two ways that
I can help you find love inside of the Queer Country Club.
I help extraordinary lesbian lesbians find love that aligns
whether that's a sexy silver Fox's daddy, a woman but you
(28:09):
know, and daddy, or a soulful Gen.
Z babe, someone who feels like home for you.
They're in Queer Country Club. Most of the women inside are
ages 30 to 65 most, but we welcome as long as you're of
legal age, we welcome you into the club and there is no age
(28:30):
limit for being inside. Now beyond the Queer Country
Club, Ioffer Platinum Private Matchmaking, which is an
exclusive service for lesbians who are a bit more private.
They're usually older, usually have their whole lives together
and just have really struggled finding their life partner and
they know it's time these women are ready for something real.
(28:54):
Most of the time they're not looking for younger, but if you
are, I'll help you look for younger.
But most of the time they're looking for someone their age or
up to 10 years younger and they're they're looking for
something real and lasting. They're at that stage of life
where it is time to truly settledown and settle into enjoying
(29:15):
the life they created. And they just want someone to
spend it with. If that's you, go to
queercountryclub.com and tap on Platinum private matchmaking.
And if you're interested in joining Queer Country Club and
coming into that community, you can go to queercountryclub.com
or you can DM me on Instagram. If you have any questions about
(29:38):
any of my services. I will do my best to get back to
you as soon as possible. Not perfect, but I do try.
At the end of the day, I love myage gap relationships.
I hope that this episode encouraged you if you are in one
and if you are looking for one, I wish you luck because said it
before, I'll say it again, olderwomen just taste better, look
(30:03):
better, look hotter or wiser. And I'm just into it, OK?
I'm into it. And oh, if you're an older woman
and you're listening to this, I hope that you just feel so loved
and celebrated because you should, because you're amazing.
OK, Until next time, keep rising.
Well, hello there, it's Sophia Splino here.
I'm so glad you're back listening to Queer Women Rising,
where we dodge the dating drama and rise into the relationships
that are emotionally available, expansive, aligned with our
values, and sexy. I definitely don't want to be in
a relationship if I'm not into it.
(00:22):
Like if I'm not obsessed with that person, I just don't want
to be in it. And I hate to break this news to
the public, but it is quite rarewhen I have any attraction to
someone my age or younger. For reference, I just turned 33
and I typically date women in their 50s to 60s.
(00:44):
And this episode is a juicy one because I'm going to be talking
about lesbian age gap relationships, the pros and cons
of age gap love. And I feel like I've got a good
handle on this because I'm 33. I've been dating the age gap way
since 26. Of course, I was in the closet
(01:04):
then. But yeah, I've always had like,
these intense friendships with women older than me since I was
really, really young. For better or worse, they did
not really know what was going on.
But in my head, it was somethingintense and it's never really
changed. Like I'm just attracted to women
20 plus years older. So whether you've dated someone
(01:28):
five years, 10 years, 15 years older or younger, or you're just
curious if the attraction you feel for someone outside of your
generation could actually work long term, this episode is going
to give you my personal pros, cons, perspectives, and the keys
to making it work. One of the most special things
(01:53):
about lesbian age gap relationships is that we get to
defy traditional expectations, which this is something that
queer people get to do all the time.
I love that for us. But unlike age gap heterosexual
relationships where men are expected to lead and dominate
(02:14):
lesbian couples, we get the chance to create our own
dynamic, a dynamic that's reallybalanced, more intentional and
honestly more empowering. But there's still times where it
cannot be empowering. And there's a power struggle,
which I'm going to get into withthe cons.
But for the most part, we get tobring something very unique to
(02:37):
the table. And when it does work, it's
extremely magnetic, extremely sexy.
There is nothing like a mommy inbed.
I just man, there's just not I Iwish I could shake it.
If you've been in an age gap relationship before, you know
when it's good, it is so good. But like any love story, there
(03:00):
are highs and lows, pros and cons.
So I'm going to break it down. My thoughts first of all pros
are emotional maturity. Older women typically bring
emotional intelligence and life experience, which can make the
relationship feel more stable and safe.
Now, does that mean someone, just because of the age that
(03:24):
they are, are emotionally mature?
No, that number does not make someone emotionally mature.
Believe me, I've met plenty of immature women who didn't know
who the fuck they were in their 50s and wanted to stay in the
closet. But there are women who could
care less about what anyone thinks of them.
(03:46):
And I feel like you hit this after 40, specifically after 50.
From my experience, the women intheir 50s are so confident.
They love their bodies. They appreciate what their
bodies do for them. They're not shy about who they
are. They know what they stand for in
life. And I think that's really hot.
Also, you've had plenty of time to do the work now I will say
(04:09):
young 50s typically have done the work.
Older 50s could still, especially in the South, still
be a part of that generation of like doing the work is looked at
as a weak like they're you will notice at least right now I'm
noticing women in their 50s or either really self aware or they
(04:30):
were still stuck in the never goto therapy, never self reflect
vibe. So it's a hit or miss.
You're looking for someone with emotional maturity though, so
make sure that you do not proceed after a couple dates if
you see that they are over 50 ofany age and not emotionally
mature. OK, the second thing that's
(04:52):
really good about lesbian age gap relationships is having an
exciting perspective from someone else that you wouldn't
have with your same generation, because different generations
give us different world views. And that contrast can deepen the
relationship by encouraging a mutual growth and curiosity.
(05:14):
And also just like when you're on a date, you have something to
talk about because you didn't live the same experiences.
So yeah, I love that. I love hearing about how they
got to where they are, hearing their wise perspectives on
handling different things, whether that be in their
businesses or in their careers or in their family
(05:35):
relationships, like how did theysolve certain problems in their
life? They've got all this
perspective, all this with them,and I want to absorb it.
OK, The third thing I really love is security stability.
I am not going to lie about this.
Older partners are typically more financially secure and that
can make life feel a lot easier,a lot more grounded.
(05:58):
I want to go see the world. I don't want to be with someone
my age who is in the same phase as me.
I'm busting ass. I'm working hard, I'm building
my company, I work a lot, so I need someone to be working a
little bit less than me so that we could have time to see each
other. And my schedule's like so thick
(06:18):
that like someone who's already financially secure and who has
more flexibility, it's easier for us to make time to see each
other. So that's really important to
me. OK, Fun energy.
I think this is a big pro for someone who's older like having
someone because a lot of times, especially the women I meet in
(06:40):
my private platinum matchmaking,they are a lot older, but
they're very young in spirit andthey're brilliant.
They're highly educated and they've done really great things
in their life and their businessand they're just missing their
person. But with the problem is when
they go to date someone their age, they feel like they're all
like much older, acting like they're just not up with
(07:04):
technology or they just don't have the same world views.
Like there's some something thatis intriguing to them about
being with someone younger because they feel like they're a
young soul. And so they like when you have a
old soul, someone younger who's an old soul and a young soul
come together. I think that's a really good
(07:25):
balance. And that is what I am noticing
as a matchmaker and what I've noticed in my relationships.
The women I've had the longest relationships with who are older
than me had really young souls and have a really old soul.
So I feel like it was a good balance.
Then another thing that's reallygood is life stage learning.
(07:49):
So they're able to help me with things in my life stage that I
don't know, problems I don't know how to solve yet.
And I get to experience their knowledge.
And I touched on this a little bit before, but specifically
looking at life and chunks of seasons, like maybe they've had
(08:10):
children, maybe they're able to give advice on different things,
things that I wouldn't know about.
They have so much more mileage essentially, that it is a gift
to be able to witness and share and give to each other in that
way, which leads me into mentorship.
I have felt so mentored in my relationships, especially by one
(08:35):
woman. She has been very, very special
for a long time. She mentored me in business
because she's a successful business owner and it has meant
the world to me. And I'm not saying it like in a
parent child dynamic of mentorship.
(08:55):
I'm saying like woman to woman guidance has helped me flow
through so many transitions in my world and has been so
nurturing like a #1 fan. And I can also see how I breathe
life into her and her world and her work and helping her see
that OK, just because she's thisage doesn't mean she has to
(09:18):
fully retire. That there's these other visions
that she wants to bring to life.So while she can offer me
mentorship and guidance, I'm able to offer that life force
energy and almost like reverse mentorship.
Another thing that excites me isbreaking social norms.
(09:40):
I feel pretty badass walking in with someone old and hot, like
anyone 10 years older than me, 20 years older than me.
I'm just like, she's so pretty and she deserves to be
celebrated. And in Heteronormal society,
(10:02):
normative society, heteronormative.
What am I saying? Heteronormative society.
Women are deemed less valuable as they age, while men are
deemed more valuable, more desirable as they age.
And it really upsets me. And I have such a deep
attraction to older women that Ijust don't understand this.
(10:25):
And so I like the idea of breaking not only the norm of
dating someone older, but datinga woman who's older and the
ability to support her and make her feel like a badass because
she is. I love that.
I love it so much. OK.
But we we've got to talk about the cons because they are real
(10:46):
and it can affect your relationship and you need to
know this and you need to talk through these things before you
get into a relationship with someone significantly older than
you. And I would I would say
significantly is like over five years, 7 to 10 years.
That's like it's a good little gap. 20 years definitely you
need to be talking about these things before you lock it down
(11:08):
with somebody because you could just be too different.
So for the same reason that I love different life stages, it
could be a problem. I am chasing career goals and
you know, older women could be more focused on slowing down or
retiring. For me, I feel it works because
(11:29):
I like the idea of someone beingless busy so they're more
available when I have my free time.
So for me it works. But for other people that might
not work. If you're thinking about having
children or you have young children but you want to date
someone older who doesn't, I mean, they might not want to be
(11:49):
raising kids at their age. I I know people who do who
lesbians who wish they did get to have children never did.
It might be their greatest joy and blessing that you want
children or have children, but for some people it would be a
real problem. Many of the lesbians that are
doing private matchmaking with me are older successful
(12:10):
lesbians, never had kids, and have dated people with children
their whole life. And so they will tell me pretty
honestly during the consultations.
Like I'm open to dating someone with kids but I really don't
want them to be under 10. And I'm like I get it.
I get it because you've done this.
Like you've already raised someone else's children and now
you want to slow down and retireand travel with your person.
(12:32):
Everyone has different priorities.
Then again there there's older women who never got to have
children and it would be their greatest joy to help someone
raise a baby no matter how old they are.
I once had an older girlfriend and she would always smile at me
and even touch my tummy and say like I can't wait till you have
a baby. I just want to kiss your belly
(12:52):
all the time and make you feel like the most beautiful pregnant
lady in the world and just rock the baby all day while you do
your work or whatever. And it was so sincere and so
beautiful. And she had already had so many
children of her own and has two grandkids.
So it, it was really beautiful to see that she wanted something
(13:17):
that was like our experience. And it didn't matter how old she
was. And I look back on that, even
though we broke up, I look back on that fondly because it was so
sincere. And I think through her
pregnancies, she wasn't feeling loved or cherished.
And so for her, it was like, I just want to do that for you.
I want to make you feel beautiful.
(13:39):
And I, I know like women who have been married to men and
reproduced with men have had very different experiences
through pregnancy, through birththan lesbians have.
So I, my little sister is actually a nurse that delivers
babies. And I asked her like, who is the
(14:02):
greatest people to deliver babies for?
Like, are there stereotypes? And she just said the lesbians
are amazing. They're so supportive of each
other and I believe that to be true.
I really do. But another con of all this is
(14:22):
social judgement. As much as I could be proud, I
will tell you people judge age gap relationships.
They judge your intentions of being in an age gap
relationship. They may think that's the person
older just wants to be with someone young and hot and only
cares about sex. And then they may think about
(14:45):
the person younger only wanting to be with someone older for
their money or their assets or whatever it is.
I find even in queer spaces, youcan get some side eyes, you can
get some whispers. You're going to need some thick
skin and a really strong connection to ignore this kind
of backlash at times. The biggest one to me is power
(15:07):
dynamics. I feel like this con is
something that has to be talked about, especially as someone who
has been through so many age gaprelationships.
Especially with my last male partner.
I worked for him and so there was a power dynamic where I
depended on him financially. He was my boss.
And it can unintentionally control your decision making.
(15:33):
It can control how long you stayin a relationship.
It can just control all the finances in the relationship.
Like staying aware of that is very key.
If the person you're with doesn't want to make decisions
with you as a couple at a certain point in your
relationship, if they don't wantto make decisions as a couple
just because they may have more money or you may have more
(15:55):
money, that's a major red flag because the power dynamic is not
a couple. That takes you back to this
weird parent child dynamic wherethe parent makes all the
decisions and that's not a romantic relationship.
So making sure that you make decisions together, your partner
(16:16):
treats you look at equal. You don't put your partner above
you, they don't put you below them.
Super important. OK, another con that we can't
miss talking about is physical aging because at the end of the
day, we have to be honest about energy levels, sex drive, health
changes, being compassionate about all this.
(16:37):
The biggest thing that I've seenis women and menopause, although
they taste better because their pH balance makes them a little
less tangy and bad. They taste better but their sex
drives may be lower now if they are taking care of themselves,
balancing their hormones. I actually have found that their
(16:59):
sex drives are higher. In fact I've dated 3-4 older
women whose sex drives were so much higher and like always made
me feel feel like prey being chased and I freaking love that
it's so hot. But I have been through it with
someone who had a lower sex drive and until she took care of
(17:23):
that with testosterone or whatever her doctor was
recommending for her, it made mefeel less wanted.
And I have an extremely high sexdrive.
And I think that's because of just waiting to live my truth
for so long. Now I want to have sex every
single day, morning and night. And I need someone who
(17:48):
understands that. So if you're going to be older,
you have like your sex drives have to match.
But I will also say as a matchmaker, it's important that
your sex drives match no matter your age.
It's just talking about your expectations.
And honestly, it's like talking about any non negotiable
activity you want to do togetheras a couple.
If you want to go on a walk withyour partner and that's a love
(18:10):
language for you, that's how youwant to spend quality time or
you want to have sex every single whatever it is, you need
to talk about those expectations.
And physical aging plays a role in that.
But I will also say, I went through a really big health
challenge three years ago and I the woman I was talking to
literally told me she had to think about if she wanted to
still be with me because I was getting so sick so fast and lost
(18:33):
all my energy and could barely walk upstairs.
And I ended up figuring it out. It was really scary.
I had to work with a nutritionist for a while, but
all the stress really triggered some autoimmune things for me.
And it didn't matter that I was 31.
I was really sick and it made mefeel terrible that she didn't
know if she wanted to be with me.
(18:53):
I've also been with a man, my last relationship before coming
out of the closet, and he got a really, really strange, strange
symptoms. I don't want to go into it
because that's his personal stuff, but like there were six
months that I had to help him put on his blazer.
He couldn't lift his arms to putin his blazer, hold his
(19:15):
backpack, put on his shoes. He lost his eyesight for a day
or two. It was really scary.
And I remember him crying like ababy.
It was really sad when the diagnosis came and everything.
And then he just looked at me and was like, you're too young
to deal with this. And I was like, I would never
leave you because you're sick. Like we will get through it
(19:36):
together. We will get through it together.
And you know, unless I was gay, we would have gotten through it
together. So definitely something
important to think about is are you willing to be with your
partner through challenging times because you know, you
could be with someone who's older and who ages so gracefully
because they take care of themselves.
(19:56):
So I think being compassionate is what matters the most.
But couldn't go without saying physical aging is real different
future goals. That could be a con.
Sometimes age gap partners realize they're not aligned for
the long term because one wants to travel, one wants to nest.
That can cause friction, communication gaps.
(20:18):
I actually think these are more humorous, but some people could
feel really. Misaligned with communication
gaps, pop culture references, technology habits, emotional
processing styles could feel like a generational gap.
That's a big one. I think just for the younger
generation, we are so much more open to talking about our
(20:44):
feelings, whereas sometimes older women were still stuck in
that don't talk about your feelings, push them down world.
And then potential caregiving and long term age gap loved one
partner may become a caregiver. And it's important to talk about
what that looks like before you're forced to talk about it.
And what does that mean? I know many times in age gap
(21:09):
relationship, the older partner is giving so much more in the
beginning because the younger person is not as successful or
the younger person is, I don't know.
And then eventually the younger person becomes more of a
caregiver. I mean, that could happen in any
relationship. But I kind of think about it as
like you, there's couples that put each other through Med
(21:30):
school and then the doctor takescare of the person that put them
through Med school. I don't know, like it's just
it's a give and take and it's a give and take in all
relationships, but I suppose thegive and take is just a little
more highlighted in an age gap. Regardless of any of these cons
though, I have an affliction. I love older women and I don't
(21:55):
just think they're hotter. I literally like, no matter how
much therapy I do, it's just my thing.
There's something about their confidence.
They're grounded energy, just sexy grown woman that gets me
every time. And if you feel the same way, or
maybe you're the older woman in the dynamic who loves being
endured by a younger woman, let's talk about how to make it
(22:19):
work. OK, first of all, you guys know
what I'm going to say. I do this in all my
relationships. I talk about all these things
openly and honestly, and if you're new here, I'm really big
on talking about the deal Breakers right away.
That is why in my lesbian datingplatform, our Saffic Sophie AI
matchmaker will talk to you about those preferences right
(22:42):
away. If you're in the talking phase
with someone and you're not having conversations about the
things that are important to you, you're wasting your time in
the talking phase. I think another thing that you
can do is celebrate differences,OK?
Stop trying to shrink the age gap and let it be something
that's celebrated that expands your connection because I
(23:05):
promise every age brings something beautiful to the
relationship. I honestly know that like the
women that I've dated and the woman that I'm seeing now, like
if she is 90 and I get the privilege to be with her, I
swear she would be the most beautiful 90 year old I've ever
seen. And I'm going to get that old
(23:27):
too one day. So I just, I think we just
should celebrate the age and thefact that we're still alive.
The next thing that I think is so important is to talk about
keeping the power power balanced.
Both of your voices need to be equally valued.
You need to talk about loving without fear and knowing right
(23:48):
away. Does your person care about the
opinions of others and would shelet it rob you of something
magical? Because I have been in
relationships where they cared about what their children
thought and that hurt me a lot. A lot.
Like, they were like, I don't want my kids to see me with
(24:10):
someone so much younger. And let me tell you this, a Mama
bear is always going to put her kids first.
And if you're in a relationship with somebody who is already
worried about what her kids think and not what her partner
thinks, and it has to do with something that you can't change,
like your age, you have a problem.
(24:33):
Another thing that's super important is planning for the
future openly at a certain part in your relationship, OK, at a
certain point, you need to be talking about retirement,
caregiving, finances, health, not in a scary way, in a smart
way. That's what you do when you care
about somebody. If you are the younger person in
the relationship, you want to reassure your partner that you
(24:53):
are there no matter what, no matter what happens, you want to
help, you want to take care of them.
You are committed, you love them, and the older partner may
need to make you feel more secure just in case something
happens to them. If you're depending on them
financially, if you are getting accustomed to a lifestyle,
you're 2 years into the relationship and you wouldn't
have what you had without your older partner, then they need to
(25:16):
be making you feel safe and making sure you know about their
will, about how you would take care of yourself if something
tragic would happen to them so that they can feel secure.
Maintaining individuality is another thing that you need to
talk about because if you don't have your own passions and your
own friendships with people yourage and you keep those things
(25:38):
alive, which are easy to die offwhen you get into a
relationship. You know this, lesbians, when
you get into a relationship, youcan be so caught up in your
partner that your friendships die off.
And you need to make sure, especially in an age gap
relationship, that you're keeping your own passions and
your own friendships with peopleyour age alive.
Interdependence is going to be codependence every time,
(25:59):
especially in an age gap relationship.
Because if you have too much codependence, it feels like
parent, child relationship, being flexible, knowing that
your body's, your goals, your needs are going to change.
And I mean that for both people because there could be an older
(26:20):
woman who meets someone at 25 who says they don't want
children, they fall in love, butby 32, her biological clock is
ticking and she changes her mind.
So got to be flexible, learning from each other, being open to a
perspective that you wouldn't besimply because of someone's age
(26:40):
difference, knowing that it's safe to share your perspectives
and that it's safe to share yours because it's valued, that
your partner wants to hear from you.
And last but not least, it's so important to prioritize
emotional connection more than anything else.
Staying emotionally attuned. That is what keeps you so close
(27:04):
to your woman. When the rest of the world
doesn't get it or likes to put words in your mouth or write a
narrative that is just hard to get through.
It takes two people working together.
So by the time you listen to this, I hope you've been
thinking if you're in an age gaprelationship, what you need to
(27:25):
talk about with your partner. Or if you're not, would you be
down for it? Would age gap relationship be
right for you? Only you know.
But no matter what, I hope you gave you insight, validation, a
little hope maybe that I can be beautiful because I've had some
beautiful relationships and I'm excited for what God is giving
(27:47):
me next. Now, if you're looking for a
partner who gets you someone older, someone younger, someone
the exact same age as you have got you, there are two ways that
I can help you find love inside of the Queer Country Club.
I help extraordinary lesbian lesbians find love that aligns
whether that's a sexy silver Fox's daddy, a woman but you
(28:09):
know, and daddy, or a soulful Gen.
Z babe, someone who feels like home for you.
They're in Queer Country Club. Most of the women inside are
ages 30 to 65 most, but we welcome as long as you're of
legal age, we welcome you into the club and there is no age
(28:30):
limit for being inside. Now beyond the Queer Country
Club, Ioffer Platinum Private Matchmaking, which is an
exclusive service for lesbians who are a bit more private.
They're usually older, usually have their whole lives together
and just have really struggled finding their life partner and
they know it's time these women are ready for something real.
(28:54):
Most of the time they're not looking for younger, but if you
are, I'll help you look for younger.
But most of the time they're looking for someone their age or
up to 10 years younger and they're they're looking for
something real and lasting. They're at that stage of life
where it is time to truly settledown and settle into enjoying
(29:15):
the life they created. And they just want someone to
spend it with. If that's you, go to
queercountryclub.com and tap on Platinum private matchmaking.
And if you're interested in joining Queer Country Club and
coming into that community, you can go to queercountryclub.com
or you can DM me on Instagram. If you have any questions about
(29:38):
any of my services. I will do my best to get back to
you as soon as possible. Not perfect, but I do try.
At the end of the day, I love myage gap relationships.
I hope that this episode encouraged you if you are in one
and if you are looking for one, I wish you luck because said it
before, I'll say it again, olderwomen just taste better, look
(30:03):
better, look hotter or wiser. And I'm just into it, OK?
I'm into it. And oh, if you're an older woman
and you're listening to this, I hope that you just feel so loved
and celebrated because you should, because you're amazing.
OK, Until next time, keep rising.
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