February 17, 2025 • 47 mins
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Lesbians, whether you are preparing for your next relationship and you want to do it “right” – the healthy way!
Or you want to save your existing relationship… you are going to want to cozy up and enjoy this episode of Queer Womxn Rising™ with me and my guest, Dr. Lynda (who I have been a big fan of on TikTok for a long time)!
👉 Is Lesbian Bed Death A Real Thing?
👉3 Strategies that Help Lesbian Couples Cope with Sexual Desire Discrepancies?
👉What is the Idea of ' Merging' that Can Be Associated with Lesbian Couples?
👉What Can Straight Couples Learn from Lesbian Couples to Improve Their Relationships?
📲Connect with my guest:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
After the honeymoon phase of anyrelationship, no matter what
gender or combination of genders, there's a natural bit
of a decline in sexual frequencythat happens in our
relationships. And somehow that got, you know,
that label landed on lesbian couples more than anyone else.
But I know that if we're intentional and we do the things
(00:20):
that nurture our relationship and our sexual connection, we
have a dynamic sex life for our whole lives.
Sapphics and allies, you're listening to Queer Women Rising.
That's women with an X. Because we are inclusive here.
When we hear the stories of queer women who have gone before
(00:43):
us, we see evidence that there'snothing we can't do.
And yes, we can too. It's time for you to level.
Up. In life, in love and step into
your most authentic, abundant reality.
You won't be the same after thisepisode.
(01:05):
It's your turn to let go of goodfor greatness, your bus life.
Is now rooting let's rise, let'srise let's.
Rise, let's rise let's. Rise.
Let's. Rise.
(01:31):
Whether you are preparing for your next relationship and you
want to do it right the healthy way, or you want to spice up and
even save potentially an existing relationship, you're
going to want to cozy up and enjoy this episode of Queer
Women Rising with me and my guest Doctor Linda, who I have
been a huge fan of for a long time on TikTok.
(01:53):
So I'm geeking out right now. Let me tell you about her.
So Doctor Linda founded the Lesbian Couples Institute LCI,
in 2018. LCI offers personal and person
therapy and online coaching to lesbian couples by a lesbian
couple. Beyond her successful
partnership, this woman is qualified to help you.
(02:14):
Linda's parents were Baptist missionaries from Texas.
However, she was born and raisedin Uruguay, South America, and
she spent her childhood and teenyears living in Uruguay.
In Texas. Doctor Savannah has ABA in
psychology from Baylor University, and her MA and
family studies and PhD in Marriage Family therapy were
earned at Texas Tech University,so she's qualified.
(02:37):
After completing her doctorate in 1996, Linda moved to Pueblo,
Co and started her private counseling practice outside of
work. Doctor Leonard and her wife love
to travel, make homemade ravioli.
I love following them on TikTok for how they cook for each other
and hike together. They spend time with their
grandkids and they at their great Halloween parties and go
(02:58):
to concerts, and they share all about it.
The combination of having this doctorate in marriage and family
therapy, years of practice as a couple's counselor, and her own
challenges really create a trulyhealthy, intimate relationship
now that she can share. And that's what enables Doctor
Lisa to guide her clients at LCIto build thriving relationships
(03:21):
that last in her 25 years as an expert.
As a licensed expert in marriagetherapy, Doctor Spann has helped
hundreds of couples. And we're to privilege it is for
us to be next. Welcome to the show.
I'm so excited. I feel like a a little bit
fangirlie right now. Me too.
(03:44):
It's so nice to meet you. Great to see you, Sophia.
Thank you for having me on. I'm just delighted and can't
wait for the conversation that'sgoing to unfold.
Can't wait either. You have such an example that we
look up to as lesbians on TikTok.
And you, you're sharing not onlyfrom your expertise, but your
(04:04):
experiences. And so many couples out here,
whether they are just getting inthe ring, they're just meeting
each other and they feel like their relationship is spicy or
they're trying to save somethingor just keep it alive.
We got to talk about it because there's this term called the
lesbian deathbed that like goes around.
And I'm like, can you define that for the audience?
And is it real? Or is this just something that
(04:27):
people talk about and it's not something to really be afraid
of? Like is it well.
First of all, no, you shouldn't be afraid of it.
It is kind of this common term that that actually emerged from
some research in the, I think the 1980s.
But I'm a little bit allergic tothat term.
I think it's a bit, oh, just yucky.
And there's the the truth is that after the honeymoon phase
(04:50):
of any relationship, no matter what gender or combination of
genders, that that there's a natural bit of a decline in
sexual frequency that happens inour relationships.
And somehow that got, you know, that label landed on lesbian
couples more than anyone else. But I know that it if we're
intentional and we do the thingsthat nurture our relationship
(05:13):
and our sexual connection, we can have a dynamic sex life for
our whole lives. And I, I'm very visual.
So when I hear lesbian bed death, I like picture 2
skeletons in bed together. It's just really not not a
phrase that I'm a fan of. And more importantly, there's no
reason on earth that you have togive up a vital sex life if
(05:39):
that's what you both deserve. I agree.
Sorry, I was picking up a few things you're saying because our
internet's going wack. We're literally in a hurricane.
So if I'm delayed that might be OK, but no, I I totally get
that. I think it's not fair because
heterosexual couples like after a honeymoon phase that can
happen. So it seems normal now everyone
(06:02):
has different desires. Can we talk about that?
Because I don't even think some couples and even me, sometimes I
don't even know how to express what I desire because I feel
like there's two different things, at least for me.
And maybe you can explain it better.
But I think of like, OK, the desire for frequency of sex in
my relationship and then the desire for like what I actually
(06:23):
want. But it's so hard for me to
explain because I have a religious trauma and I don't, I
don't really know where to start.
How would you? Well, it is.
It is true that most couples of of all types again and in
lesbian couples as well, that often there's a discrepancy in
sexual desire. That just means one person has a
(06:45):
higher libido, has more of that.Like spontaneous desire, it's
been referred to as a kaboom desire, while the other partner
might have more of a sleepy desire, a lower libido.
The truth here, here's the good news.
You don't have to have spontaneous desire to get it on
with your partner. What what you need to have is
(07:07):
what's called responsive desire.Almost every human on earth has
responsive to not desire. Not everyone, but most, most
people. So you, you can work as a team
on learning how to talk about it, including religious trauma,
potentially other traumas so that you create safety, right?
You want to create safety between the two of you and and
(07:31):
we can talk more about what whatcan help with with that desired
discrepancy. But yeah.
So how is it OK if I ask you a? Question.
So like when when you say. Religious trauma impacts you?
What like like how does that show up for you?
OK, good question. So sometimes I wonder if my lack
(07:52):
of desire before being in a safecontainer of a relationship,
like I don't look at someone andthink I want to have sex with
them. I can look at them and think, Oh
my God, they're so hot, but not Oh my gosh, I want to have sex.
But I think that comes from religious trauma.
I know I don't know, you know, I'm not the therapist.
I and I also. Does that make sense where it's
(08:21):
coming from? Is it authentic or is it
something ingrained? Right.
And you, I got to tell you, you the, the hurricane vibe just
broke you up. So I missed some of what you
said. I think, I think you're just
describing that maybe you, you don't perhaps naturally have a
lot of spontaneous desire. And truthfully, the psychology
(08:44):
behind religious trauma, trauma or other trauma can also kind of
put a damper on our awareness about that too.
So that that's perfectly natural.
And The thing is, it doesn't matter.
I understand your feed, that you're in a relatively new spicy
lesbian relationship. Yay.
(09:05):
Congrats on that, by the way. And so at this phase, you're,
you're probably all hopped up onblood hormones, including
oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin and all those great
things. So first of all, enjoy the heck
out of that. And as that wanes, just remember
that you as long as you have responsive desire, you you can
(09:28):
you can have a fulfilling sexualrelationship.
OK, so like if for some reason the me wanting to have sex twice
a day would eventually go a little bit down, that doesn't
mean anything necessarily bad, no.
No. And, and I mean, how sustainable
is that over a lifetime when you're working and having other
(09:51):
relationships? And so it's, it's completely
normal. It's not a bad thing.
What's important is that you andyour partner talk about these
things and talk about, OK, here,here's here's my ideal, here's
what I would like as as we continue to be together and
communication is one of the mostimportant things for keeping
(10:13):
your sex life vibrant. Love it.
Some people are so nervous to bring up sex.
It's something that me and my partner do easily.
Even if I get stuck in the conversation, I'm able to bring
it up pretty easy and it feels like a safe place.
How would you advise someone who's like, Oh my God, I never
brought it up? Like sex is just something we
do, not something we talk about.Like how how do you, I know how
(10:35):
I bring it up and it's just literally like normal.
But is there any like secret sauce?
The secret sauce is to embrace the awkwardness and do it
anyway. Because for a lot of people,
especially with religious trauma, the subject itself can
be like, I don't know if I should even talk about this may
(10:58):
not even have the language for it.
So embrace the awkwardness. You know, you, you can set
create a setting where you're both just like really chill and
you're, you're hanging out. Be sure to look at each other
face on when you're talking so that you can see each other's
faces. That helps us feel safe.
So you want you want to create asafe place.
(11:21):
And I think in the beginning just saying, you know, let's
just brainstorm. Let's not make this a plan.
This isn't about finding a solution.
It's just about like talking about our feelings and thoughts
and desires. One kind of fun thing that's
available. I hope it's OK to say this.
I think it is if you Google yes,no maybe.
(11:44):
Do you know about these? The yes, no, maybe so so these
are like questions or it's a whole bunch of sexual ideas,
positions, experiences, activities that would be
considered sexual. And so you get all of them.
They're, they're a little bit heterosexually geared, but, you
know, just. We replace the good.
(12:06):
Bird right. And then you can have a
conversation of what like put a check mark.
Oh yes, definitely into this. Would do this in a heartbeat.
That's the so the yes, no, no hesitation.
The maybe it's like, well, maybeunder certain circumstances or I
would be willing to experiment with it, but I don't know if I'd
(12:26):
like it for life, but maybe. And then a column of no, no, no
way. I'm not into this, you know, and
you can imagine the things that you might not be into, but
that's a great icebreaker for new couples to say, OK, let's,
let's talk about what we'll say yes to maybe or no.
(12:48):
So that can help break a conversation open.
But the main thing is have it nomatter how you're feeling,
whether it's scared or awkward, have the conversation anyway.
I love what you said. Like, it doesn't have to be
about making a plan, just talk about it.
And I think that is something that me is like such a type A
(13:08):
personality would struggle with.And I know my girlfriend.
Like we're both the kind of people that's like, OK, if we
say we're going to make a changeon something, then we have to do
it, blah, blah, blah. But as we go forward and we want
to explore different things or just go deeper emotionally with
each other, it can't always be about making a plan.
It has to just be a safe place to share.
Yeah, maybe someone else out there.
(13:29):
You just need to hear that. Yeah.
And, and let me say this, Sophia, that making a plan too
early actually results in lessening the depth in your
relationship and makes the plan less likely to succeed because
you want to spend the time really getting to a place of
(13:49):
empathizing with each other, understanding each other, where
you're coming from, what you think and want and feel before
you ever get around to solutionsor negotiating.
So you, you, you and, and I get it.
There's this inner like type A person inside of you that's
like, got to get this, got to make this work.
(14:11):
Let's get it. Let's get the solution, but calm
that part of you and say, we'll get there first.
Let's let's do the preliminary just open, honest talking.
I love it and I, I think even asa single person who's waiting
for their future wife, their future partner, looking up that
yes, no, maybe and like just getting clear with yourself
(14:32):
would be really fun to like figure out.
I have some other resources on my website which is lesbian
couplesinstitute.com, some some blogs about sex and some other
resources in the shop too. So the yes no baby just popped
into my head as a good conversation starter.
Yeah. No, it's good, good.
We got a message from the Devon Diary and she said when I bring
(14:55):
up I think she was referring to like having sexual
conversations. She gets shunned.
Do you have any advice for creating that safe space?
Shunned by partner, I'm guessing, you know, I, I think
going meta 1st and just saying to to your partner, you know, I
think I would like us to start talking about some more intimate
(15:17):
topics. How and, and not really asking
is that OK with you? But just like, how can we make
that fun and protected so we don't argue, we don't get
horribly embarrassed. So, so start at setting the
stage and that's something you would like and, and then find
(15:39):
out from your partner what wouldmake that feel OK for you?
How can we make that safe for you?
So I would, I would go meta first so that it's not just like
out of the blue, because if it comes out of the blue and
there's already this resistance,you can get even more
resistance. And that's that.
Shunning is really your partner's resistance and fear.
Probably Wow. Yeah, the the meta perspective
(16:01):
isn't something I would have given thought to go to set the
stage. So thank you for sharing that.
That's good. That's good.
OK, so we've we've got lesbians talking.
What if you're just getting intoa relationship?
You've never talked about sex before, but this isn't something
you're struggling with. You're just getting into it.
(16:24):
Do you have any conversations before you you do the thing.
I know for me, I personally couldn't without, but for
somebody who's like, I've been in a relationship forever.
Doctor Linda, help me like please, how do they talk about
it before the first time? Yeah, you know, I mean, I think
that's pretty hormone driven. So some people just hop in the
(16:46):
sack and and get on with it, right.
And there's not really conversation.
Yeah. And other people depending on
age and life experience and just, you know, what you want,
we'll have the conversation 1st.And I mean, I just think again,
it goes to acknowledging this isawkward.
There's not a lot of like no oneteaches us how to have these
(17:07):
conversations and just being vulnerable and saying, you know,
I, I get this super early on andI don't even know if we're going
to end up rolling in the hay together.
But can we talk a little bit about our values around sexual
intimacy and maybe a little bit about what we're into, what we
like, what we don't like. And you know, you, if, if you've
(17:32):
had a few dates and you know, inour community, dates can be
pretty elongated. Like we don't just go out for a
30 minute coffee. We're like still there 4 hours
later. So if you're if you're hitting
it off and vibing, you'll know you'll you'll have that
sensation of I think, I think probably we're moving in this
(17:53):
direction and let's just talk about it.
I'm losing you, No. I'm really here.
Your, your, your, your page is spinning a little bit.
I'm sure it's the weather, but I'm still here.
OK, good. I'm glad they heard what you had
to say. But thank you for the advice
though, because just what I could hear the beginning part so
(18:15):
so, so good because I get shy. Well, now that I'm in a
relationship, no. But before I get shy to be like,
hey, I need to talk about this first and the way you just said
it was so good. Can you say that one more time?
Just like that first thing you said, like I know we may not get
there. You worded it so well.
Oh gosh, I can never remember what I just said.
I, I think just just acknowledging, you know, I, I'm,
(18:38):
this isn't, again, this isn't moving toward a plan.
I just want to have an open conversation about it and, and
please, and, and you might even say, please know that's kind of
scary for me and and awkward, but I think it makes sense for
us to talk about this since for two adults that are likely to to
move into, into the sexual arenaand, and somebody, Rebecca was
(19:03):
saying the eye contact. So, so when, when you're having
these conversations, don't sit next to each other, sit face to
face so they can really, really read each other and look into
one another's eyes. That's important.
Yeah, that's good. OK, so now let's pivot back.
You've been in their relationship for a while and
there are sexual discrepancies. Yeah.
(19:24):
How? Once you've done all those Ice
Breakers, if it's still not working out, how do you go from
there? How do you adjust?
Well, you, you can always reach out to me for some couples help,
including some say you know how to learn to communicate and, and
and to handle these. But some some just typical or or
(19:47):
I don't want to say typical. Some little tips that I have
there, if you can have a conversation about OK, these are
the things that that turn me on that Rev up my engine.
We might call those acceleratorsin in the literature there this
is this idea is called accelerators and these are the
things that put the kibosh on it.
(20:08):
So these are the brakes and identify these are the things
that help me get into my into sensual.
Into the, the, the desire for pleasure and these are the
things that definitely put it, put the brake on it.
So some things that help a low desire partner get in get into
(20:29):
it might be some visual stimulation or that the dishes
are washed. It could be that, you know, we
just kind of kiss and, and, and have a slow start.
Some breaks might be, you know, your tog's in the bedroom or I,
I don't feel clingy. My I got dragon breath.
(20:52):
And so when you know where the breaks are, then you can address
those like dishes bother you. Let me go wash the dishes.
Then can we meet in the bedroom?You, you're self-conscious of,
of, of your, your hygiene? Well, let's hop in the bath
together or have a shower together so that you address the
brakes. And then if you know what the
(21:12):
accelerators are, you, you push on that gas pedal.
So having a discussion about that, it's really helpful to get
to know really yourself and yourpartner better.
So good, so good. I definitely could see how if
you're working with someone who's unreasonable though, like
all these things make sense to soften it for someone who's
(21:32):
reasonable. And then if you're not and they
like I, I could just see like I think back to toxic
relationships and I'm like, Oh my God.
Like I could have said all thosethings and she would have still
like been rude in response back to me.
Well. And here's the thing that
there's The two most important things for a lifetime of sexual
intimacy are being friends. So, so all the things about
(21:57):
friendliness, which means being open and, and inviting and not
like rejecting. So being friends in the same
thing is to prioritize sexual intimacy as a couple.
So if if you're already getting somebody that's rejecting and
doesn't want to have the conversation and and sort of
makes fun of it, that's not veryfriendly.
(22:20):
And you have to ask yourself, isthis going to work?
Yeah. I think that's a hard thing for
people to do because we can so like really our our life, we're
going to spend the rest of our life with not only how often we
get to have intimacy, but literally how we feel about
(22:42):
ourselves all the time. And it's just like, fine line of
taking ownership of your own feelings, but also admitting to
yourself if someone is doing things that make you feel bad,
like, how long will you toleratesomething like that?
But I know I did for a long time, yeah.
(23:02):
Yeah, and then that's hard, especially if you've been
looking for a partner and you'vebeen lonely and you finally are
spending time with someone it. It can be tempting to compromise
our our values and and our our must haves, but life is short
everyone. Don't, don't, don't put up with
being mistreated. I think like being single in
(23:26):
peace is is always going to trump being in a chaotic
relationship, even where I can look back in the past and be
like, Oh my gosh, that relationship was so sexually
charged. But then it was so painful.
And it's just now that I've experienced peace that's a non
negotiable. I can't fathom going back and I
wish I could let people like like feel like I, I joke like,
(23:50):
oh, I wish guys could feel what a menstrual cycle feels like.
I wish I could cut a little bit of my healthy relationship and
let you, you feel that peace. Because I think once you would
feel it, you couldn't fathom allowing someone to do that to
you, especially when it comes toyour efforts of attempting to be
intimate and kind to them. So if you're going through that,
(24:11):
please do what's right for you. And no, but the only way to meet
your soulmate is to be single, to meet yourself.
That's right. That's right.
And, and what you're looking forthat I, I love how you're
describing that piece, Sophia, but the piece comes from feeling
really secure, say safe and secure is, is really what you're
(24:32):
going for. And if, if you feel, if you
don't feel safe and secure, and I'm not talking about, oh, I'm
not really thinking of physical safety.
I'm, I'm thinking about emotional safety, only within
that safety can you really become vulnerable to have the
conversations and, and even to go into sexual experiences.
(24:53):
If you don't feel safe, that's not going to happen.
Yeah, I think for me, before getting into a healthy
relationship, I assumed that thebutterfly feeling was good.
And so I was looking for that feeling of not being safe.
And I've been working through with my therapist and she's
like, no, like it's actually supposed to be peaceful.
(25:13):
But for someone who hasn't just hasn't figured that out or found
that relationship, is there a way from a therapist perspective
to identify what is butterflies versus anxiety?
I know we weren't going to even talk about that, but I know if
I'm thinking it, someone else might be thinking it.
Well, and and you're right, thatexcitement and fear are they
(25:37):
show kind of similarly in the body.
I think one way to kind of discern how what are the nuances
of differences for each of us individually is to really like
be aware when I when I'm scared,how does that nervousness, where
does it land in my body? What does it feel like?
And it can be like about anything.
(25:58):
It can be like about being on a tense, you know, high seal, high
roof top somewhere and getting alittle woozy and you'd feel
afraid. So it doesn't have to be about
intimacy, but how does fear showup in in my body, in your body?
And how does excitement and there's probably a little bit of
a nuance of a difference, even though they can feel pretty
(26:21):
similar. Sometimes the, you know, this
gets tricky and we don't have enough time here to impact this.
But sometimes we experience a feeling of excitement or even
calm when something related to our own early life trauma shows
up. Like, because it it's like, oh,
this is exciting. I know what to do here because
(26:44):
because it's familiar and sometimes the unfamiliar we're
we're like this, there's no spark here.
So that that's a whole nother layer, but just be mindful of
how, how does your body feel fear and how does it feel
excitement and the butterfly feeling that you're talking
(27:06):
about, Is it the fear or is it excitement?
That's good. That's it's good.
Yeah. And at the end of the day, like
I'm like, Oh my gosh, if and doubt.
It's almost like looking at it and be like, if this wasn't me
and I was giving advice to my friend, like does this feel
healthy? Like because if you can't
determine is it anxiety or or like excitement?
(27:28):
I I think if I were to be honestwith myself in the past now, but
I think about it, it is not eventhe question.
It's like, is this kind to you? Is this and like, yeah, because
that is hard. You're right.
It's hard to summarize in just this one little, you know, talk
that we're having here, but thatthat's good.
(27:49):
Now, I know you're pretty confident that straight couples
can learn a lot from us lesbians.
So what is like the biggest thing that you feel a straight
couples can learn? Can take a page out of our
books. Yeah, well, I mean, Speaking of
sex, the, the research shows that lesbian couples have more
fulfilling sex in the sense thatthey hang out longer.
(28:12):
It's it, it, you know, there's more tenderness, more, more,
more passion. And so I, I think, you know,
straight couples can, can learn to slow it down a little bit
and, and, and, you know, enjoy the whole process and not just
be focused on the, the, the bingo outside of the sexual
(28:37):
area. You know, one of the things also
that, that I think is true for, for lesbian couples is that we
negotiate, you know, we have to negotiate things as couples,
like who's going to do what and what are the chores and what are
the things that have to get done?
And straight couples really leaninto the, the old fashioned
gender roles on that. And, you know, he's going to mow
(28:59):
the lawn and take out the trash and she's going to cook and
whatever. And, and younger straight
couples aren't quite that rigid,but lots of gender roles.
Whereas for us, we got, we, we get to choose based on our
interests and our strengths. And if there's something neither
of us like, then we're going to be fair about it.
So we we don't have to be so shackled by by old fashioned
(29:22):
gender roles. Those are a couple of things
that come to mind. The other thing is that in terms
of communication, women are, I think, socialized and wired to
be more focused on feelings and emotions.
And, you know, we work together to, to, to keep the emotional
climate and the relationship healthy.
And I think that straight couples can learn from us on
(29:45):
that too. I agree.
Like we have to have these conversations.
It's not just like a understanding, oh, you're going
to do this, I'm going to do this.
The other day me and my partner were talking about moving in
together and I was sharing aboutdifferent chores like, Hey, I
really love doing dishes. I really love like organizing
the pantry, like you never have to go grocery shopping.
(30:06):
I want to do all that and I'll vacuum, but I really like don't
like doing laundry. Like I'll do it, but it won't be
as good as if you do it. I already know like she's
already folding my stuff. So pretty.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is socute.
Like I get excited to see what she folds.
And then I was like, but the trash, I'm happy to take out the
trash. And she was like, Oh no, the I
(30:27):
should never take out the trash.And I was like.
Well, she's already treating youlike a queen.
Good. Good for.
Everyone has their things. That's crazy.
You all have that conversation. And again, it's based on what
you like, what you're good at, and you'll find some things that
neither you are keen on. You'll figure that out too.
(30:49):
Yeah, fairness is important, so keep it fair.
I agree we had angsty right and she said will an avoidant
girlfriend reach out after a breakup?
I guess we were talking about like some sad times when she
dropped that. But will an avoidant girlfriend
reach out first? What do you have to say about
(31:10):
that? Probably not, but I wouldn't
expect it, you know? However, avoidant people with
avoidant attachment surprise surprise us all from time to
time. If, if you want to see if
there's an opportunity to reconnect after a breakup, don't
wait for the other person, regardless of their attachment
(31:32):
style. If that's a strong desire in
you, take the risk, reach out and try to to manage your
expectations around that so thatso that you can.
Yeah, because if we don't managethe expectations, that's when we
feel dysregulated and and depressed and disappointed.
(31:54):
That's good, that's really good.Like why put yourself through
the helmet waiting? Like just if that's your desire,
reach out and manage the expectation.
No, like hey, she might not respond and I'll be okay.
That's really good. I think we, like, spend all day
doing these little quizzes or pulling tarot cards or doing all
(32:16):
kinds of bullshit where we really should just be like, I'm
a grown up. I feel like reaching out and I
have to have grown up expectations.
They might not respond. It could be that.
So yeah, it's so good. Thank.
You so much. OK, the last things I want to
ask you, there's what are like the like the three to five tips,
whatever it is where you're like.
If you do this and you're lesbian relationship, you have
(32:39):
way better luck, way better chances of succeeding.
I'm sure you've seen a lot as a therapist.
What are the like? If we could write it down, We're
all talking notes. What is it so?
So the number one thing is to put your focus on building
safety and security. And, and we do that through how
we show up in conversation and how we how we show up in other
(32:59):
ways. So some little tips on that are
land and land and, and good belly hugs, bear hugs several
times a day. Look into each other's eyes,
inquire about what's going on with your partner.
Those are little ways to build security in your relationship.
(33:20):
So building security is the the top, top of the chart on that.
I think that committing to having daily catch up chats, I
call them where you just kind ofhang out again, sitting in a way
that you're facing each other and have a little conversations,
no matter how busy life is and they don't have to be problem
(33:42):
centered. In fact, I don't think they
ought these particular conversations ought not be.
I think it's great to break out of the the boring question of
how was your day? That is really tired my friend.
So you can ask questions that will automatically set the stage
for more positivity. Remember we have a lot of
(34:03):
negativity bias in our brain. So by asking like when did you
laugh today? Tell me what happened?
What was the best part of your day?
So be creative about questions you asked that that will get a
positive story that will that will help you your sense of
security as well. You know, eye gazing, somebody
(34:25):
talked about looking in each other's eyes.
Eye gazing is actually a very wonderful thing to do that helps
partners have success in their relationship and it does
increase security. So you know, it can be it can be
challenging and ultimately really it can be fun and it's OK
if you laugh through this, but set your alarm on your phone for
(34:48):
60 seconds and just hang out looking in your partner's eyes.
Notice what comes up, laugh if you feel like it, don't talk.
Try that. That's a that's a brilliant
exercise for for connection. I think another important habit
is to, particularly as you're moving into the second stage of,
(35:09):
of our relationship, to, to really work at balancing the
safety and security of us together, but also our, our
independence and individuality. So that there's this balance
between US time and me time Co regulating and self soothing.
(35:30):
You know, sometimes I talk aboutthe tendency for, for a really
strong merge early on in a relationship that makes it
difficult to find the balance. And it's OK for the beginning of
a relationship that's actually good, that's healthy.
It helps build real trust and security early on.
(35:51):
But later on you, you want to have that balance.
So finding ways, you know, like I love you and I can't wait to
see you and I'm going to the gyma lot.
So so that you you get that balance.
I don't know if that's fine. So that's.
Great. No, there's a perfect.
The other thing is to really dial in on really good
communication. And I, I in my TLC methodology,
(36:15):
one of the main things that I dois teach a tremendously
successful communication model. I probably have some blogs about
that too. Be sure to, to check out my
website. By the way, if you're hanging
out here, which is lesbian couplesinstitute.com.
So really dialing in on communication early in the
relationship is what's going to set the stage for you to have
(36:38):
success for life. So good.
And if people have watched over listening on Apple Podcasts or
Spotify even in a couple months from now and they're like, Oh my
God, I need to talk to Doctor Linda.
I want to work with her. Do you do one-on-one?
Do you have a group program? Do you have courses?
What does that look like? Yeah, so.
So primarily I have a coaching program that's it's virtual.
(37:01):
It's it's a hybrid program with just rich training material and
a group container with other lesbian couples and one on ones.
So that that is primarily how wework at this time.
My my wife does individual therapy and she she's actually
you. Lisa is her name.
(37:21):
And so that's an option for individual therapy or coaching
as well. You know, folks on these
platforms can either DM me or goto my website.
There's a contact form you can fill out and then we'll get
right back to you. So yeah, we we have a variety of
ways of of working with. Folks, I love it.
(37:42):
Well, thank you so much for taking this time to help my
audience and for everyone listening.
So this episode, if you're like,OK, I'm single and I am ready to
date. I'm ready to get into a healthy
relationship and you haven't heard about it before.
I just want to tell you real quick about my lesbian dating
platform where the goal is to connect on values.
It's called the Queer Country Club and you'll apply and just
(38:06):
make sure that your values are aligned with ours.
When you join values as in monogamy and wanting a serious
partnership. And once you're inside, you're
going to see a totally differentway to connect with women for
meetups, to live coaching. Maybe I should have doctor Linda
come in and coach one day, but it's just a beautiful
environment for growth minded women.
(38:27):
So if you're curious about joining DMV dating and we can
talk about it. Yeah, I'm, I am so excited to to
see that. Yeah, invite me in sometime.
One of one of the things that welove to do Lisa actually Co
facilitates the coaching programthat that we offer.
One of our favorite types of couples are, are couples that
(38:49):
have not been together all that long.
However, they know that they plan to be together for for life
and to do what's traditionally thought of as premarital
counseling, But but to to help you get just the best foundation
so they so you don't have to go through that seven-year itch or
this that that prolonged struggle that sometimes hits at
(39:13):
about, you know, 112 to 18 months.
So that we we just love working with couples that have, they're
pretty new together and really want to set themselves up for
success. I love that.
OK. I might have to talk to my
girlfriend about that. Yeah.
Yeah. So good.
I love it. I went through all the
(39:34):
premarital things before I married a man when I was young.
And I just wish someone would have looked at the way that he
communicated with me and said, hey, like, that's not gonna
work. Like, you're being so mean.
I wish that the person who was doing that would have just spoke
up. It would have changed the
direction of my life so much. But I'm grateful, you know, I'm
(39:55):
here. We're all meant to be like where
we're meant to be in this moment.
But it's crazy to think that. But I totally did that, took
that responsibility, ran with it, and it's still like went toy
dad. I was literally telling the
premarital people like he's driving 120 mph, screaming in
the car trying to scare me. And they'd be like, you
(40:16):
shouldn't do that. Rather than telling me you
should rock. Exactly.
My gosh. Well, I know that in your world,
lesbians couldn't hide. It would be Everything comes
out, you share all the nitty gritty details so that you can
(40:36):
truly be set up for success. I know.
That's right, yeah. Well, thank you for being here
and tolerating my crazy weather.I've been looking forward to
talking to you. I was like, I'm not canceling
this call. I'm.
So glad I'm I've, it's been delightful to hang out with you.
And yeah, I'd love to support you and your work in any way
(40:58):
that I can. So let me know how how I can do
that as well. Thank you, Doctor.
I'll be reaching out to you because we have quarterly
coaching calls, so I think having you inside would be such
a blessing. I'll reach out via e-mail, OK?
That would be fun. I would I would enjoy that a
lot. And I see some hearts coming up
here. Thanks everyone.
(41:20):
Yes, we loved having you. For everyone listening now on
live, know that you can tune in.This podcast will also be live
again on Apple and Spotify. And this replay will always be
in our feet. So see you soon.
Bye Doctor Linda. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
As clear women, that's women with an X.
(41:40):
Because of course, we are inclusive here.
As I was saying, as queer women,we haven't always been lifted up
or celebrated. We have often felt left out and
put down in places that historically haven't welcomed
us. In fact, we have been
conditioned by society to be grateful for mere tolerance.
(42:02):
My resilient LGBTQ plus IA community, I am talking to you.
I'll bet you've recognized the spark that God put in your
heart, your unique calling to impact the world, and only a way
that you can. A business idea, a brand to
build, a coaching program to start, the art to create, the
(42:24):
song to sing, the book to write.That relationship you long to
build. But that little light inside
your soul has often been blown out by the people around you,
leaving you conditioned to play small and not step into your
full potential. You are not alone and it's never
(42:44):
too late to truly live your mostauthentic dream life.
I would know. I came out late in life, nearly
30 a couple years ago after being bullied for months inside
a Country Club right outside of my weights class.
I was assaulted by a bigoted woman who couldn't stand my
(43:04):
queerness. She physically pushed me so I
had a meeting with management. I told them I didn't feel safe.
I brought forth evidence and guess what?
They did nothing. Sadly, this is normal.
But in order to create change, we have to be brave enough to be
the change ourselves. So I did a thing.
(43:27):
I started my own virtual CountryClub for queer women.
A safe place for us to create meaningful connections and grow.
So if you're looking for a love connection, networking
opportunities or coaching to live your best freedom life, you
want to apply to be a part of our incredible community of
purpose driven, passionate queerwomen.
(43:50):
Join Queer Women Rising, the online queer Country Club for
growth minded women ready to level up in life and love.
To apply, DM me the word Rising on Instagram at Sofia Spellino
or chat me the word Rising on Sofia fiaspellino.com.
Now, beyond hosting Queer Women Rising, I am a personal brand
(44:12):
coach and social media strategist.
If you give me a moment to tell you about what I do, I can share
how I can help you, just like I've helped many clients before.
Get famous online and make more money.
If you're an exhausted coach or service provider ready to scale
your business for real or you'rejust getting started building
(44:33):
your dream brand from scratch. And if you're ready ready to
build your own profitable personal brand, I can show you
how in six months or less. But why should you take my word
for it? Well, I've spent over 10 years
in the social media marketing industry, amassing over 400,000
followers across platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and
(44:57):
YouTube, as a well as hosting a top charting podcast, building a
successful service provider business and coaching powerful
women to build purpose driven, profitable personal brands.
Yeah, I have the social media and sales process strategies
that can help you finally make the money you deserve because I
(45:17):
want to help you build your dream business that gives you
time, freedom and makes real money.
So for a limited time, I'm giving away your first steps to
go from less than 5K moms and advance to 10 to 20 K moms and
grab my newly revamped profitable personal Brand
Blueprint. My proven framework to build
(45:39):
yourself a personal brand that motivates, inspires, and sells
so that your business can thrivethe way it should.
Just go to the link in the show notes.
Whether you're a novice at creating or you're feeling stuck
hitting a plateau in your business that once had
consistent revenue and need guidance, support and coaching
(45:59):
to get to your next level, I invite you to book a strategy
call to speak with either me or my team to see if we'd be the
right fit to work with each other inside of the profitable
personal brand 6 month coaching program.
Mind you, I am extremely selective and this coaching
program is not for everyone and I'm not afraid to say it.
I am only taking on serious, purpose, driven and committed
(46:23):
queer women and allies inside ofmy community.
If that's you, book your free strategy call.
The link is in the show notes and if you feel yourself come
alive and love listening to Queer Women Rising, please leave
me a five star rating with a kind review.
Wherever you listen to podcasts,be sure to share the show with a
powerful woman you know. And remember, when you're called
(46:45):
to do something greater in life,love or business, you will be
uncomfortable until you move. So get up and go get what you
want. Let's rise, Let's rise.
Let's rise. That's right.
After the honeymoon phase of anyrelationship, no matter what
gender or combination of genders, there's a natural bit
of a decline in sexual frequencythat happens in our
relationships. And somehow that got, you know,
that label landed on lesbian couples more than anyone else.
But I know that if we're intentional and we do the things
(00:20):
that nurture our relationship and our sexual connection, we
have a dynamic sex life for our whole lives.
Sapphics and allies, you're listening to Queer Women Rising.
That's women with an X. Because we are inclusive here.
When we hear the stories of queer women who have gone before
(00:43):
us, we see evidence that there'snothing we can't do.
And yes, we can too. It's time for you to level.
Up. In life, in love and step into
your most authentic, abundant reality.
You won't be the same after thisepisode.
(01:05):
It's your turn to let go of goodfor greatness, your bus life.
Is now rooting let's rise, let'srise let's.
Rise, let's rise let's. Rise.
Let's. Rise.
(01:31):
Whether you are preparing for your next relationship and you
want to do it right the healthy way, or you want to spice up and
even save potentially an existing relationship, you're
going to want to cozy up and enjoy this episode of Queer
Women Rising with me and my guest Doctor Linda, who I have
been a huge fan of for a long time on TikTok.
(01:53):
So I'm geeking out right now. Let me tell you about her.
So Doctor Linda founded the Lesbian Couples Institute LCI,
in 2018. LCI offers personal and person
therapy and online coaching to lesbian couples by a lesbian
couple. Beyond her successful
partnership, this woman is qualified to help you.
(02:14):
Linda's parents were Baptist missionaries from Texas.
However, she was born and raisedin Uruguay, South America, and
she spent her childhood and teenyears living in Uruguay.
In Texas. Doctor Savannah has ABA in
psychology from Baylor University, and her MA and
family studies and PhD in Marriage Family therapy were
earned at Texas Tech University,so she's qualified.
(02:37):
After completing her doctorate in 1996, Linda moved to Pueblo,
Co and started her private counseling practice outside of
work. Doctor Leonard and her wife love
to travel, make homemade ravioli.
I love following them on TikTok for how they cook for each other
and hike together. They spend time with their
grandkids and they at their great Halloween parties and go
(02:58):
to concerts, and they share all about it.
The combination of having this doctorate in marriage and family
therapy, years of practice as a couple's counselor, and her own
challenges really create a trulyhealthy, intimate relationship
now that she can share. And that's what enables Doctor
Lisa to guide her clients at LCIto build thriving relationships
(03:21):
that last in her 25 years as an expert.
As a licensed expert in marriagetherapy, Doctor Spann has helped
hundreds of couples. And we're to privilege it is for
us to be next. Welcome to the show.
I'm so excited. I feel like a a little bit
fangirlie right now. Me too.
(03:44):
It's so nice to meet you. Great to see you, Sophia.
Thank you for having me on. I'm just delighted and can't
wait for the conversation that'sgoing to unfold.
Can't wait either. You have such an example that we
look up to as lesbians on TikTok.
And you, you're sharing not onlyfrom your expertise, but your
(04:04):
experiences. And so many couples out here,
whether they are just getting inthe ring, they're just meeting
each other and they feel like their relationship is spicy or
they're trying to save somethingor just keep it alive.
We got to talk about it because there's this term called the
lesbian deathbed that like goes around.
And I'm like, can you define that for the audience?
And is it real? Or is this just something that
(04:27):
people talk about and it's not something to really be afraid
of? Like is it well.
First of all, no, you shouldn't be afraid of it.
It is kind of this common term that that actually emerged from
some research in the, I think the 1980s.
But I'm a little bit allergic tothat term.
I think it's a bit, oh, just yucky.
And there's the the truth is that after the honeymoon phase
(04:50):
of any relationship, no matter what gender or combination of
genders, that that there's a natural bit of a decline in
sexual frequency that happens inour relationships.
And somehow that got, you know, that label landed on lesbian
couples more than anyone else. But I know that it if we're
intentional and we do the thingsthat nurture our relationship
(05:13):
and our sexual connection, we can have a dynamic sex life for
our whole lives. And I, I'm very visual.
So when I hear lesbian bed death, I like picture 2
skeletons in bed together. It's just really not not a
phrase that I'm a fan of. And more importantly, there's no
reason on earth that you have togive up a vital sex life if
(05:39):
that's what you both deserve. I agree.
Sorry, I was picking up a few things you're saying because our
internet's going wack. We're literally in a hurricane.
So if I'm delayed that might be OK, but no, I I totally get
that. I think it's not fair because
heterosexual couples like after a honeymoon phase that can
happen. So it seems normal now everyone
(06:02):
has different desires. Can we talk about that?
Because I don't even think some couples and even me, sometimes I
don't even know how to express what I desire because I feel
like there's two different things, at least for me.
And maybe you can explain it better.
But I think of like, OK, the desire for frequency of sex in
my relationship and then the desire for like what I actually
(06:23):
want. But it's so hard for me to
explain because I have a religious trauma and I don't, I
don't really know where to start.
How would you? Well, it is.
It is true that most couples of of all types again and in
lesbian couples as well, that often there's a discrepancy in
sexual desire. That just means one person has a
(06:45):
higher libido, has more of that.Like spontaneous desire, it's
been referred to as a kaboom desire, while the other partner
might have more of a sleepy desire, a lower libido.
The truth here, here's the good news.
You don't have to have spontaneous desire to get it on
with your partner. What what you need to have is
(07:07):
what's called responsive desire.Almost every human on earth has
responsive to not desire. Not everyone, but most, most
people. So you, you can work as a team
on learning how to talk about it, including religious trauma,
potentially other traumas so that you create safety, right?
You want to create safety between the two of you and and
(07:31):
we can talk more about what whatcan help with with that desired
discrepancy. But yeah.
So how is it OK if I ask you a? Question.
So like when when you say. Religious trauma impacts you?
What like like how does that show up for you?
OK, good question. So sometimes I wonder if my lack
(07:52):
of desire before being in a safecontainer of a relationship,
like I don't look at someone andthink I want to have sex with
them. I can look at them and think, Oh
my God, they're so hot, but not Oh my gosh, I want to have sex.
But I think that comes from religious trauma.
I know I don't know, you know, I'm not the therapist.
I and I also. Does that make sense where it's
(08:21):
coming from? Is it authentic or is it
something ingrained? Right.
And you, I got to tell you, you the, the hurricane vibe just
broke you up. So I missed some of what you
said. I think, I think you're just
describing that maybe you, you don't perhaps naturally have a
lot of spontaneous desire. And truthfully, the psychology
(08:44):
behind religious trauma, trauma or other trauma can also kind of
put a damper on our awareness about that too.
So that that's perfectly natural.
And The thing is, it doesn't matter.
I understand your feed, that you're in a relatively new spicy
lesbian relationship. Yay.
(09:05):
Congrats on that, by the way. And so at this phase, you're,
you're probably all hopped up onblood hormones, including
oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin and all those great
things. So first of all, enjoy the heck
out of that. And as that wanes, just remember
that you as long as you have responsive desire, you you can
(09:28):
you can have a fulfilling sexualrelationship.
OK, so like if for some reason the me wanting to have sex twice
a day would eventually go a little bit down, that doesn't
mean anything necessarily bad, no.
No. And, and I mean, how sustainable
is that over a lifetime when you're working and having other
(09:51):
relationships? And so it's, it's completely
normal. It's not a bad thing.
What's important is that you andyour partner talk about these
things and talk about, OK, here,here's here's my ideal, here's
what I would like as as we continue to be together and
communication is one of the mostimportant things for keeping
(10:13):
your sex life vibrant. Love it.
Some people are so nervous to bring up sex.
It's something that me and my partner do easily.
Even if I get stuck in the conversation, I'm able to bring
it up pretty easy and it feels like a safe place.
How would you advise someone who's like, Oh my God, I never
brought it up? Like sex is just something we
do, not something we talk about.Like how how do you, I know how
(10:35):
I bring it up and it's just literally like normal.
But is there any like secret sauce?
The secret sauce is to embrace the awkwardness and do it
anyway. Because for a lot of people,
especially with religious trauma, the subject itself can
be like, I don't know if I should even talk about this may
(10:58):
not even have the language for it.
So embrace the awkwardness. You know, you, you can set
create a setting where you're both just like really chill and
you're, you're hanging out. Be sure to look at each other
face on when you're talking so that you can see each other's
faces. That helps us feel safe.
So you want you want to create asafe place.
(11:21):
And I think in the beginning just saying, you know, let's
just brainstorm. Let's not make this a plan.
This isn't about finding a solution.
It's just about like talking about our feelings and thoughts
and desires. One kind of fun thing that's
available. I hope it's OK to say this.
I think it is if you Google yes,no maybe.
(11:44):
Do you know about these? The yes, no, maybe so so these
are like questions or it's a whole bunch of sexual ideas,
positions, experiences, activities that would be
considered sexual. And so you get all of them.
They're, they're a little bit heterosexually geared, but, you
know, just. We replace the good.
(12:06):
Bird right. And then you can have a
conversation of what like put a check mark.
Oh yes, definitely into this. Would do this in a heartbeat.
That's the so the yes, no, no hesitation.
The maybe it's like, well, maybeunder certain circumstances or I
would be willing to experiment with it, but I don't know if I'd
(12:26):
like it for life, but maybe. And then a column of no, no, no
way. I'm not into this, you know, and
you can imagine the things that you might not be into, but
that's a great icebreaker for new couples to say, OK, let's,
let's talk about what we'll say yes to maybe or no.
(12:48):
So that can help break a conversation open.
But the main thing is have it nomatter how you're feeling,
whether it's scared or awkward, have the conversation anyway.
I love what you said. Like, it doesn't have to be
about making a plan, just talk about it.
And I think that is something that me is like such a type A
(13:08):
personality would struggle with.And I know my girlfriend.
Like we're both the kind of people that's like, OK, if we
say we're going to make a changeon something, then we have to do
it, blah, blah, blah. But as we go forward and we want
to explore different things or just go deeper emotionally with
each other, it can't always be about making a plan.
It has to just be a safe place to share.
Yeah, maybe someone else out there.
(13:29):
You just need to hear that. Yeah.
And, and let me say this, Sophia, that making a plan too
early actually results in lessening the depth in your
relationship and makes the plan less likely to succeed because
you want to spend the time really getting to a place of
(13:49):
empathizing with each other, understanding each other, where
you're coming from, what you think and want and feel before
you ever get around to solutionsor negotiating.
So you, you, you and, and I get it.
There's this inner like type A person inside of you that's
like, got to get this, got to make this work.
(14:11):
Let's get it. Let's get the solution, but calm
that part of you and say, we'll get there first.
Let's let's do the preliminary just open, honest talking.
I love it and I, I think even asa single person who's waiting
for their future wife, their future partner, looking up that
yes, no, maybe and like just getting clear with yourself
(14:32):
would be really fun to like figure out.
I have some other resources on my website which is lesbian
couplesinstitute.com, some some blogs about sex and some other
resources in the shop too. So the yes no baby just popped
into my head as a good conversation starter.
Yeah. No, it's good, good.
We got a message from the Devon Diary and she said when I bring
(14:55):
up I think she was referring to like having sexual
conversations. She gets shunned.
Do you have any advice for creating that safe space?
Shunned by partner, I'm guessing, you know, I, I think
going meta 1st and just saying to to your partner, you know, I
think I would like us to start talking about some more intimate
(15:17):
topics. How and, and not really asking
is that OK with you? But just like, how can we make
that fun and protected so we don't argue, we don't get
horribly embarrassed. So, so start at setting the
stage and that's something you would like and, and then find
(15:39):
out from your partner what wouldmake that feel OK for you?
How can we make that safe for you?
So I would, I would go meta first so that it's not just like
out of the blue, because if it comes out of the blue and
there's already this resistance,you can get even more
resistance. And that's that.
Shunning is really your partner's resistance and fear.
Probably Wow. Yeah, the the meta perspective
(16:01):
isn't something I would have given thought to go to set the
stage. So thank you for sharing that.
That's good. That's good.
OK, so we've we've got lesbians talking.
What if you're just getting intoa relationship?
You've never talked about sex before, but this isn't something
you're struggling with. You're just getting into it.
(16:24):
Do you have any conversations before you you do the thing.
I know for me, I personally couldn't without, but for
somebody who's like, I've been in a relationship forever.
Doctor Linda, help me like please, how do they talk about
it before the first time? Yeah, you know, I mean, I think
that's pretty hormone driven. So some people just hop in the
(16:46):
sack and and get on with it, right.
And there's not really conversation.
Yeah. And other people depending on
age and life experience and just, you know, what you want,
we'll have the conversation 1st.And I mean, I just think again,
it goes to acknowledging this isawkward.
There's not a lot of like no oneteaches us how to have these
(17:07):
conversations and just being vulnerable and saying, you know,
I, I get this super early on andI don't even know if we're going
to end up rolling in the hay together.
But can we talk a little bit about our values around sexual
intimacy and maybe a little bit about what we're into, what we
like, what we don't like. And you know, you, if, if you've
(17:32):
had a few dates and you know, inour community, dates can be
pretty elongated. Like we don't just go out for a
30 minute coffee. We're like still there 4 hours
later. So if you're if you're hitting
it off and vibing, you'll know you'll you'll have that
sensation of I think, I think probably we're moving in this
(17:53):
direction and let's just talk about it.
I'm losing you, No. I'm really here.
Your, your, your, your page is spinning a little bit.
I'm sure it's the weather, but I'm still here.
OK, good. I'm glad they heard what you had
to say. But thank you for the advice
though, because just what I could hear the beginning part so
(18:15):
so, so good because I get shy. Well, now that I'm in a
relationship, no. But before I get shy to be like,
hey, I need to talk about this first and the way you just said
it was so good. Can you say that one more time?
Just like that first thing you said, like I know we may not get
there. You worded it so well.
Oh gosh, I can never remember what I just said.
I, I think just just acknowledging, you know, I, I'm,
(18:38):
this isn't, again, this isn't moving toward a plan.
I just want to have an open conversation about it and, and
please, and, and you might even say, please know that's kind of
scary for me and and awkward, but I think it makes sense for
us to talk about this since for two adults that are likely to to
move into, into the sexual arenaand, and somebody, Rebecca was
(19:03):
saying the eye contact. So, so when, when you're having
these conversations, don't sit next to each other, sit face to
face so they can really, really read each other and look into
one another's eyes. That's important.
Yeah, that's good. OK, so now let's pivot back.
You've been in their relationship for a while and
there are sexual discrepancies. Yeah.
(19:24):
How? Once you've done all those Ice
Breakers, if it's still not working out, how do you go from
there? How do you adjust?
Well, you, you can always reach out to me for some couples help,
including some say you know how to learn to communicate and, and
and to handle these. But some some just typical or or
(19:47):
I don't want to say typical. Some little tips that I have
there, if you can have a conversation about OK, these are
the things that that turn me on that Rev up my engine.
We might call those acceleratorsin in the literature there this
is this idea is called accelerators and these are the
things that put the kibosh on it.
(20:08):
So these are the brakes and identify these are the things
that help me get into my into sensual.
Into the, the, the desire for pleasure and these are the
things that definitely put it, put the brake on it.
So some things that help a low desire partner get in get into
(20:29):
it might be some visual stimulation or that the dishes
are washed. It could be that, you know, we
just kind of kiss and, and, and have a slow start.
Some breaks might be, you know, your tog's in the bedroom or I,
I don't feel clingy. My I got dragon breath.
(20:52):
And so when you know where the breaks are, then you can address
those like dishes bother you. Let me go wash the dishes.
Then can we meet in the bedroom?You, you're self-conscious of,
of, of your, your hygiene? Well, let's hop in the bath
together or have a shower together so that you address the
brakes. And then if you know what the
(21:12):
accelerators are, you, you push on that gas pedal.
So having a discussion about that, it's really helpful to get
to know really yourself and yourpartner better.
So good, so good. I definitely could see how if
you're working with someone who's unreasonable though, like
all these things make sense to soften it for someone who's
(21:32):
reasonable. And then if you're not and they
like I, I could just see like I think back to toxic
relationships and I'm like, Oh my God.
Like I could have said all thosethings and she would have still
like been rude in response back to me.
Well. And here's the thing that
there's The two most important things for a lifetime of sexual
intimacy are being friends. So, so all the things about
(21:57):
friendliness, which means being open and, and inviting and not
like rejecting. So being friends in the same
thing is to prioritize sexual intimacy as a couple.
So if if you're already getting somebody that's rejecting and
doesn't want to have the conversation and and sort of
makes fun of it, that's not veryfriendly.
(22:20):
And you have to ask yourself, isthis going to work?
Yeah. I think that's a hard thing for
people to do because we can so like really our our life, we're
going to spend the rest of our life with not only how often we
get to have intimacy, but literally how we feel about
(22:42):
ourselves all the time. And it's just like, fine line of
taking ownership of your own feelings, but also admitting to
yourself if someone is doing things that make you feel bad,
like, how long will you toleratesomething like that?
But I know I did for a long time, yeah.
(23:02):
Yeah, and then that's hard, especially if you've been
looking for a partner and you'vebeen lonely and you finally are
spending time with someone it. It can be tempting to compromise
our our values and and our our must haves, but life is short
everyone. Don't, don't, don't put up with
being mistreated. I think like being single in
(23:26):
peace is is always going to trump being in a chaotic
relationship, even where I can look back in the past and be
like, Oh my gosh, that relationship was so sexually
charged. But then it was so painful.
And it's just now that I've experienced peace that's a non
negotiable. I can't fathom going back and I
wish I could let people like like feel like I, I joke like,
(23:50):
oh, I wish guys could feel what a menstrual cycle feels like.
I wish I could cut a little bit of my healthy relationship and
let you, you feel that peace. Because I think once you would
feel it, you couldn't fathom allowing someone to do that to
you, especially when it comes toyour efforts of attempting to be
intimate and kind to them. So if you're going through that,
(24:11):
please do what's right for you. And no, but the only way to meet
your soulmate is to be single, to meet yourself.
That's right. That's right.
And, and what you're looking forthat I, I love how you're
describing that piece, Sophia, but the piece comes from feeling
really secure, say safe and secure is, is really what you're
(24:32):
going for. And if, if you feel, if you
don't feel safe and secure, and I'm not talking about, oh, I'm
not really thinking of physical safety.
I'm, I'm thinking about emotional safety, only within
that safety can you really become vulnerable to have the
conversations and, and even to go into sexual experiences.
(24:53):
If you don't feel safe, that's not going to happen.
Yeah, I think for me, before getting into a healthy
relationship, I assumed that thebutterfly feeling was good.
And so I was looking for that feeling of not being safe.
And I've been working through with my therapist and she's
like, no, like it's actually supposed to be peaceful.
(25:13):
But for someone who hasn't just hasn't figured that out or found
that relationship, is there a way from a therapist perspective
to identify what is butterflies versus anxiety?
I know we weren't going to even talk about that, but I know if
I'm thinking it, someone else might be thinking it.
Well, and and you're right, thatexcitement and fear are they
(25:37):
show kind of similarly in the body.
I think one way to kind of discern how what are the nuances
of differences for each of us individually is to really like
be aware when I when I'm scared,how does that nervousness, where
does it land in my body? What does it feel like?
And it can be like about anything.
(25:58):
It can be like about being on a tense, you know, high seal, high
roof top somewhere and getting alittle woozy and you'd feel
afraid. So it doesn't have to be about
intimacy, but how does fear showup in in my body, in your body?
And how does excitement and there's probably a little bit of
a nuance of a difference, even though they can feel pretty
(26:21):
similar. Sometimes the, you know, this
gets tricky and we don't have enough time here to impact this.
But sometimes we experience a feeling of excitement or even
calm when something related to our own early life trauma shows
up. Like, because it it's like, oh,
this is exciting. I know what to do here because
(26:44):
because it's familiar and sometimes the unfamiliar we're
we're like this, there's no spark here.
So that that's a whole nother layer, but just be mindful of
how, how does your body feel fear and how does it feel
excitement and the butterfly feeling that you're talking
(27:06):
about, Is it the fear or is it excitement?
That's good. That's it's good.
Yeah. And at the end of the day, like
I'm like, Oh my gosh, if and doubt.
It's almost like looking at it and be like, if this wasn't me
and I was giving advice to my friend, like does this feel
healthy? Like because if you can't
determine is it anxiety or or like excitement?
(27:28):
I I think if I were to be honestwith myself in the past now, but
I think about it, it is not eventhe question.
It's like, is this kind to you? Is this and like, yeah, because
that is hard. You're right.
It's hard to summarize in just this one little, you know, talk
that we're having here, but thatthat's good.
(27:49):
Now, I know you're pretty confident that straight couples
can learn a lot from us lesbians.
So what is like the biggest thing that you feel a straight
couples can learn? Can take a page out of our
books. Yeah, well, I mean, Speaking of
sex, the, the research shows that lesbian couples have more
fulfilling sex in the sense thatthey hang out longer.
(28:12):
It's it, it, you know, there's more tenderness, more, more,
more passion. And so I, I think, you know,
straight couples can, can learn to slow it down a little bit
and, and, and, you know, enjoy the whole process and not just
be focused on the, the, the bingo outside of the sexual
(28:37):
area. You know, one of the things also
that, that I think is true for, for lesbian couples is that we
negotiate, you know, we have to negotiate things as couples,
like who's going to do what and what are the chores and what are
the things that have to get done?
And straight couples really leaninto the, the old fashioned
gender roles on that. And, you know, he's going to mow
(28:59):
the lawn and take out the trash and she's going to cook and
whatever. And, and younger straight
couples aren't quite that rigid,but lots of gender roles.
Whereas for us, we got, we, we get to choose based on our
interests and our strengths. And if there's something neither
of us like, then we're going to be fair about it.
So we we don't have to be so shackled by by old fashioned
(29:22):
gender roles. Those are a couple of things
that come to mind. The other thing is that in terms
of communication, women are, I think, socialized and wired to
be more focused on feelings and emotions.
And, you know, we work together to, to, to keep the emotional
climate and the relationship healthy.
And I think that straight couples can learn from us on
(29:45):
that too. I agree.
Like we have to have these conversations.
It's not just like a understanding, oh, you're going
to do this, I'm going to do this.
The other day me and my partner were talking about moving in
together and I was sharing aboutdifferent chores like, Hey, I
really love doing dishes. I really love like organizing
the pantry, like you never have to go grocery shopping.
(30:06):
I want to do all that and I'll vacuum, but I really like don't
like doing laundry. Like I'll do it, but it won't be
as good as if you do it. I already know like she's
already folding my stuff. So pretty.
I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is socute.
Like I get excited to see what she folds.
And then I was like, but the trash, I'm happy to take out the
trash. And she was like, Oh no, the I
(30:27):
should never take out the trash.And I was like.
Well, she's already treating youlike a queen.
Good. Good for.
Everyone has their things. That's crazy.
You all have that conversation. And again, it's based on what
you like, what you're good at, and you'll find some things that
neither you are keen on. You'll figure that out too.
(30:49):
Yeah, fairness is important, so keep it fair.
I agree we had angsty right and she said will an avoidant
girlfriend reach out after a breakup?
I guess we were talking about like some sad times when she
dropped that. But will an avoidant girlfriend
reach out first? What do you have to say about
(31:10):
that? Probably not, but I wouldn't
expect it, you know? However, avoidant people with
avoidant attachment surprise surprise us all from time to
time. If, if you want to see if
there's an opportunity to reconnect after a breakup, don't
wait for the other person, regardless of their attachment
(31:32):
style. If that's a strong desire in
you, take the risk, reach out and try to to manage your
expectations around that so thatso that you can.
Yeah, because if we don't managethe expectations, that's when we
feel dysregulated and and depressed and disappointed.
(31:54):
That's good, that's really good.Like why put yourself through
the helmet waiting? Like just if that's your desire,
reach out and manage the expectation.
No, like hey, she might not respond and I'll be okay.
That's really good. I think we, like, spend all day
doing these little quizzes or pulling tarot cards or doing all
(32:16):
kinds of bullshit where we really should just be like, I'm
a grown up. I feel like reaching out and I
have to have grown up expectations.
They might not respond. It could be that.
So yeah, it's so good. Thank.
You so much. OK, the last things I want to
ask you, there's what are like the like the three to five tips,
whatever it is where you're like.
If you do this and you're lesbian relationship, you have
(32:39):
way better luck, way better chances of succeeding.
I'm sure you've seen a lot as a therapist.
What are the like? If we could write it down, We're
all talking notes. What is it so?
So the number one thing is to put your focus on building
safety and security. And, and we do that through how
we show up in conversation and how we how we show up in other
(32:59):
ways. So some little tips on that are
land and land and, and good belly hugs, bear hugs several
times a day. Look into each other's eyes,
inquire about what's going on with your partner.
Those are little ways to build security in your relationship.
(33:20):
So building security is the the top, top of the chart on that.
I think that committing to having daily catch up chats, I
call them where you just kind ofhang out again, sitting in a way
that you're facing each other and have a little conversations,
no matter how busy life is and they don't have to be problem
(33:42):
centered. In fact, I don't think they
ought these particular conversations ought not be.
I think it's great to break out of the the boring question of
how was your day? That is really tired my friend.
So you can ask questions that will automatically set the stage
for more positivity. Remember we have a lot of
(34:03):
negativity bias in our brain. So by asking like when did you
laugh today? Tell me what happened?
What was the best part of your day?
So be creative about questions you asked that that will get a
positive story that will that will help you your sense of
security as well. You know, eye gazing, somebody
(34:25):
talked about looking in each other's eyes.
Eye gazing is actually a very wonderful thing to do that helps
partners have success in their relationship and it does
increase security. So you know, it can be it can be
challenging and ultimately really it can be fun and it's OK
if you laugh through this, but set your alarm on your phone for
(34:48):
60 seconds and just hang out looking in your partner's eyes.
Notice what comes up, laugh if you feel like it, don't talk.
Try that. That's a that's a brilliant
exercise for for connection. I think another important habit
is to, particularly as you're moving into the second stage of,
(35:09):
of our relationship, to, to really work at balancing the
safety and security of us together, but also our, our
independence and individuality. So that there's this balance
between US time and me time Co regulating and self soothing.
(35:30):
You know, sometimes I talk aboutthe tendency for, for a really
strong merge early on in a relationship that makes it
difficult to find the balance. And it's OK for the beginning of
a relationship that's actually good, that's healthy.
It helps build real trust and security early on.
(35:51):
But later on you, you want to have that balance.
So finding ways, you know, like I love you and I can't wait to
see you and I'm going to the gyma lot.
So so that you you get that balance.
I don't know if that's fine. So that's.
Great. No, there's a perfect.
The other thing is to really dial in on really good
communication. And I, I in my TLC methodology,
(36:15):
one of the main things that I dois teach a tremendously
successful communication model. I probably have some blogs about
that too. Be sure to, to check out my
website. By the way, if you're hanging
out here, which is lesbian couplesinstitute.com.
So really dialing in on communication early in the
relationship is what's going to set the stage for you to have
(36:38):
success for life. So good.
And if people have watched over listening on Apple Podcasts or
Spotify even in a couple months from now and they're like, Oh my
God, I need to talk to Doctor Linda.
I want to work with her. Do you do one-on-one?
Do you have a group program? Do you have courses?
What does that look like? Yeah, so.
So primarily I have a coaching program that's it's virtual.
(37:01):
It's it's a hybrid program with just rich training material and
a group container with other lesbian couples and one on ones.
So that that is primarily how wework at this time.
My my wife does individual therapy and she she's actually
you. Lisa is her name.
(37:21):
And so that's an option for individual therapy or coaching
as well. You know, folks on these
platforms can either DM me or goto my website.
There's a contact form you can fill out and then we'll get
right back to you. So yeah, we we have a variety of
ways of of working with. Folks, I love it.
(37:42):
Well, thank you so much for taking this time to help my
audience and for everyone listening.
So this episode, if you're like,OK, I'm single and I am ready to
date. I'm ready to get into a healthy
relationship and you haven't heard about it before.
I just want to tell you real quick about my lesbian dating
platform where the goal is to connect on values.
It's called the Queer Country Club and you'll apply and just
(38:06):
make sure that your values are aligned with ours.
When you join values as in monogamy and wanting a serious
partnership. And once you're inside, you're
going to see a totally differentway to connect with women for
meetups, to live coaching. Maybe I should have doctor Linda
come in and coach one day, but it's just a beautiful
environment for growth minded women.
(38:27):
So if you're curious about joining DMV dating and we can
talk about it. Yeah, I'm, I am so excited to to
see that. Yeah, invite me in sometime.
One of one of the things that welove to do Lisa actually Co
facilitates the coaching programthat that we offer.
One of our favorite types of couples are, are couples that
(38:49):
have not been together all that long.
However, they know that they plan to be together for for life
and to do what's traditionally thought of as premarital
counseling, But but to to help you get just the best foundation
so they so you don't have to go through that seven-year itch or
this that that prolonged struggle that sometimes hits at
(39:13):
about, you know, 112 to 18 months.
So that we we just love working with couples that have, they're
pretty new together and really want to set themselves up for
success. I love that.
OK. I might have to talk to my
girlfriend about that. Yeah.
Yeah. So good.
I love it. I went through all the
(39:34):
premarital things before I married a man when I was young.
And I just wish someone would have looked at the way that he
communicated with me and said, hey, like, that's not gonna
work. Like, you're being so mean.
I wish that the person who was doing that would have just spoke
up. It would have changed the
direction of my life so much. But I'm grateful, you know, I'm
(39:55):
here. We're all meant to be like where
we're meant to be in this moment.
But it's crazy to think that. But I totally did that, took
that responsibility, ran with it, and it's still like went toy
dad. I was literally telling the
premarital people like he's driving 120 mph, screaming in
the car trying to scare me. And they'd be like, you
(40:16):
shouldn't do that. Rather than telling me you
should rock. Exactly.
My gosh. Well, I know that in your world,
lesbians couldn't hide. It would be Everything comes
out, you share all the nitty gritty details so that you can
(40:36):
truly be set up for success. I know.
That's right, yeah. Well, thank you for being here
and tolerating my crazy weather.I've been looking forward to
talking to you. I was like, I'm not canceling
this call. I'm.
So glad I'm I've, it's been delightful to hang out with you.
And yeah, I'd love to support you and your work in any way
(40:58):
that I can. So let me know how how I can do
that as well. Thank you, Doctor.
I'll be reaching out to you because we have quarterly
coaching calls, so I think having you inside would be such
a blessing. I'll reach out via e-mail, OK?
That would be fun. I would I would enjoy that a
lot. And I see some hearts coming up
here. Thanks everyone.
(41:20):
Yes, we loved having you. For everyone listening now on
live, know that you can tune in.This podcast will also be live
again on Apple and Spotify. And this replay will always be
in our feet. So see you soon.
Bye Doctor Linda. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
As clear women, that's women with an X.
(41:40):
Because of course, we are inclusive here.
As I was saying, as queer women,we haven't always been lifted up
or celebrated. We have often felt left out and
put down in places that historically haven't welcomed
us. In fact, we have been
conditioned by society to be grateful for mere tolerance.
(42:02):
My resilient LGBTQ plus IA community, I am talking to you.
I'll bet you've recognized the spark that God put in your
heart, your unique calling to impact the world, and only a way
that you can. A business idea, a brand to
build, a coaching program to start, the art to create, the
(42:24):
song to sing, the book to write.That relationship you long to
build. But that little light inside
your soul has often been blown out by the people around you,
leaving you conditioned to play small and not step into your
full potential. You are not alone and it's never
(42:44):
too late to truly live your mostauthentic dream life.
I would know. I came out late in life, nearly
30 a couple years ago after being bullied for months inside
a Country Club right outside of my weights class.
I was assaulted by a bigoted woman who couldn't stand my
(43:04):
queerness. She physically pushed me so I
had a meeting with management. I told them I didn't feel safe.
I brought forth evidence and guess what?
They did nothing. Sadly, this is normal.
But in order to create change, we have to be brave enough to be
the change ourselves. So I did a thing.
(43:27):
I started my own virtual CountryClub for queer women.
A safe place for us to create meaningful connections and grow.
So if you're looking for a love connection, networking
opportunities or coaching to live your best freedom life, you
want to apply to be a part of our incredible community of
purpose driven, passionate queerwomen.
(43:50):
Join Queer Women Rising, the online queer Country Club for
growth minded women ready to level up in life and love.
To apply, DM me the word Rising on Instagram at Sofia Spellino
or chat me the word Rising on Sofia fiaspellino.com.
Now, beyond hosting Queer Women Rising, I am a personal brand
(44:12):
coach and social media strategist.
If you give me a moment to tell you about what I do, I can share
how I can help you, just like I've helped many clients before.
Get famous online and make more money.
If you're an exhausted coach or service provider ready to scale
your business for real or you'rejust getting started building
(44:33):
your dream brand from scratch. And if you're ready ready to
build your own profitable personal brand, I can show you
how in six months or less. But why should you take my word
for it? Well, I've spent over 10 years
in the social media marketing industry, amassing over 400,000
followers across platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and
(44:57):
YouTube, as a well as hosting a top charting podcast, building a
successful service provider business and coaching powerful
women to build purpose driven, profitable personal brands.
Yeah, I have the social media and sales process strategies
that can help you finally make the money you deserve because I
(45:17):
want to help you build your dream business that gives you
time, freedom and makes real money.
So for a limited time, I'm giving away your first steps to
go from less than 5K moms and advance to 10 to 20 K moms and
grab my newly revamped profitable personal Brand
Blueprint. My proven framework to build
(45:39):
yourself a personal brand that motivates, inspires, and sells
so that your business can thrivethe way it should.
Just go to the link in the show notes.
Whether you're a novice at creating or you're feeling stuck
hitting a plateau in your business that once had
consistent revenue and need guidance, support and coaching
(45:59):
to get to your next level, I invite you to book a strategy
call to speak with either me or my team to see if we'd be the
right fit to work with each other inside of the profitable
personal brand 6 month coaching program.
Mind you, I am extremely selective and this coaching
program is not for everyone and I'm not afraid to say it.
I am only taking on serious, purpose, driven and committed
(46:23):
queer women and allies inside ofmy community.
If that's you, book your free strategy call.
The link is in the show notes and if you feel yourself come
alive and love listening to Queer Women Rising, please leave
me a five star rating with a kind review.
Wherever you listen to podcasts,be sure to share the show with a
powerful woman you know. And remember, when you're called
(46:45):
to do something greater in life,love or business, you will be
uncomfortable until you move. So get up and go get what you
want. Let's rise, Let's rise.
Let's rise. That's right.
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