November 17, 2025 • 33 mins
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🌈 Private Rising Coaching Session; If you're unsure of your next step but know in your gut you're ready to call in love, deepen self-trust, or design a life you’re proud of, I’m here to guide you.
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In this episode of Queer Women Rising, Sophia Spallino breaks down exactly what makes lesbian attraction powerful, magnetic, and lasting. If you’ve ever wondered how to make a lesbian go crazy for you or how to deepen emotional intimacy with queer women, this episode offers practical and heartfelt insights.
From confidence to authenticity, and from building trust to celebrating individuality, you’ll learn the qualities and behaviors that make women lean in instead of pull away. This conversation goes beyond surface-level dating tips and dives into what truly matters in lesbian relationships; emotional presence, reliability, and shared values.
Discover the keys to:
How to talk to a lesbian girl you like without overthinking.
How to make a lesbian fall in love through patience, trust, and consistency.
Why confidence, emotional intimacy, and curiosity make women feel seen and desired.
How to make a girl fall for you like crazy while staying authentic to who you are.
This episode is for queer women who are ready to attract lasting love, understand what drives true connection, and embody the energy that makes them irresistible.
Keywords: lesbian dating tips, queer women dating, how to make a lesbian go crazy for you, how to talk to a lesbian girl you like, how to make a lesbian fall in love, lesbian attraction, queer relationships, dating advice for lesbians, women-loving-women connection, authentic lesbian dating
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Hello my lesbian loves, and welcome back to Queer Women
Rising, the podcast. I'm your host Sofia Esplino, the
luxury lesbian matchmaker behindthe Queer Country Club.
Literally living my best life, my dream job, matching the most
extraordinary lesbians around the world.
(00:34):
Around here on the show, we talkabout all things lesbian love,
how to dodge the dating drama and creating the relationships,
the healthy, peaceful relationships we know we all
would deserve because life is too short to settle for anything
less than your future wife. I know so many times we try to
fit round pegs into square holesor I don't know, you know this
(00:57):
phrase that I'm trying to say, and I will say that I have been
guilty of doing that many times in my life.
But those days, say it with me. These days are over.
You are here to date with intentionality.
If you are listening to this, you are a lesbian who longs for
more, who longs for excellence in her relationships and in her
(01:22):
life. Today's episode, buckle up.
This is going to be a solo episode with me, and I'm talking
about something every lesbian has secretly googled at least
once. I know you have.
I sure have at one point in my life.
And that is how to make a lesbian go crazy for you.
How do you get someone addicted to you?
(01:43):
How do you get someone to be obsessed with you, but without
playing games, without any dark,manipulative tricks?
How to make someone genuinely fall in love with you.
So only use this episode for good because I'm going to be
sharing how to draw in someone, how to be magnetizing, and how
to be attractive for your dream partner.
(02:04):
Now as you know, if you are looking for a top tier lesbian,
the kind of lesbians that I match make the kind of lesbians
that come on my luxurious retreats.
You must be that girl like we attract what we are.
So if you want someone emotionally available, you need
(02:27):
to make yourself emotionally available.
If you want someone radiant and beautiful who takes care of
their skin, sis, you need to be on a skin care routine.
Take care of yourself and be that girl.
Now I've been seeing those postson Instagram and it's like these
girls like how to become her like, and they're usually
(02:49):
straight girls doing this, but like how to become like their
version of the ideal woman, which hey, can be extremely
misogynistic and heteronormativeand all the things.
But for what it's worth, at the end of the day, they share how
they can become that person in six months.
And the truth is, anyone can. If you want to manifest
(03:11):
something in your life, especially love, you just start
taking actions in your life thatyour future wife would want you
to take. You start becoming and showing
up as the woman who takes care of business.
You are your very best in every area of your life.
Because if you want someone who is going to have their shit
together, then you know you haveto have your shit together.
(03:35):
And what we're going to talk about isn't about cheesy pickup
lines or manipulative games likeI shared, or rushing intimacy,
because that could be a way thatsomeone can manipulate you too.
No, we're going to learn how to make lesbians go crazy for US1
lesbian in particular, the one you have your eye on because
(03:56):
you're simply showing up as yourwhole self in a way that makes
her lean in and pull away because you're putting your
authentic but best foot forward.OK, so first of all, let's talk
about a lesbian attraction. It is very different than just
(04:20):
typically for most people, especially as a demisexual me,
where I need to build up an emotional connection with
someone before I want to have a sexual thought about them.
Attraction is so much more than skin deep for lesbians.
And yes, chemistry matters, but what makes a woman unforgettable
(04:41):
is how you make her feel and howcompetitive you are.
And I'm going to go into the things that I know matter, but I
just want you to know I've been doing a lot of reading and
studying the Gottman Institute, which they are the relationship
experts. If you geek out on relationships
and compatibility and how to build a healthy relationship,
(05:05):
the Gottman Institute is very powerful.
And I'm reading the book The Eight Dates right now.
And one of the things that they were able to prove, which is
really interesting as a matchmaker because I know this
is true, is that while there aremany ways that I can match
someone and the most important ways are matching someone based
off of lifestyle compatibility, values compatibility and
(05:29):
attraction. Of course, we will lead with
making sure they're at least attracted to the person.
Then we look at lifestyle compatibility.
Then we look at value compatibility in terms of
narrowing down to make the idealmatch, as I call it the platinum
needle in a haystack. What I cannot control nor
(05:50):
predict as an expert in this is that the spark is elusive.
No one can guarantee there will be a spark, not even you, until
you see that person in person and you feel their energy.
(06:11):
Spark is an energetic realm thatwe cannot define nor predicts.
And at the end of the day, that attraction is something that you
cannot predict, but it would be you would have far greater
(06:35):
chances of having attraction if you are taking care of yourself
and putting your best foot forward.
That does not mean you need to be a supermodel.
That does not mean mean you needto be the most suave mask
lesbian in the world, but it does mean that taking care of
(06:58):
yourself does matter and how youcommunicate does matter.
So let's get into what actually catches someone's attention.
And of course everything with a grain of salt because this is
about attraction. But this does not guarantee the
spark. OK, so just put the spark.
(07:19):
Shove the spark aside from the spark.
This is what matters for most women.
I am finding that the quality ofhaving confidence without
arrogance really matters. A woman wants to feel your
steady energy, not your ego. A woman wants to know how you
(07:40):
treat people and see you treat everyone with kindness.
The most successful women in theworld who have have it all and
come to me for matchmaking or come on the retreats and they
want to meet people. They don't care about what
you've done, your accomplishments, the money in
your bank account. They care about how you treat
(08:01):
people. And I've noticed the more
successful women are, they carrythis grounded confidence without
arrogance and they need someone who can meet them with that
energy because this kind of woman doesn't want to go to the
finest restaurants with you if you are going to be an ass to
(08:21):
the waiter. It's that simple.
OK, the second thing that women look for and they're feeling for
is authenticity. Pretending to be someone other
than yourself doesn't last. When I was little and
evangelical Christian, SI was obsessed with the show Veggie
(08:44):
Tales. And I don't remember all the
characters names, but I rememberwell.
I remember Larry the cucumber, Bob the tomato, but there is
this little guy, and he was a little baby asparagus.
Bear with me, because if you've never seen this show as a kid,
you're going to be like, what the heck, Sophia?
Yeah, I'm that lesbian that brings up Veggie Tales in the
middle of my podcast. But at the end of the day, this
(09:06):
little asparagus tells a lie, and the lie keeps growing.
I'm sure you've heard either other fairy tale or parable
stories like this, but essentially, when we lead with
an inauthentic foot, when we lead with making something
bigger or smaller than it is, when we lead with lying by
(09:32):
omission or pretending somethingis more than it is, we are more
powerful than we are, more successful than we are more
healed than we are. Your partner.
You know you, this person that you're hoping becomes your
girlfriend. OK, say she does.
She will sniff you, sniff you out and no longer trusts you
(09:55):
because any pretending feels like a distrust.
You need to build your relationship, even your first
meeting, even your pro, from themoment she sees your profile
picture on the Queer Country Club or whatever dating platform
you're using, you need to lead with authenticity.
And I say it all the time. And I'm like, OK, it's rich
coming from a girly with lip injections and Botox like me.
(10:17):
But when someone meets me in real life, I look exactly the
same as I do online. Just because I'm a person of the
Internet doesn't mean that I alone need to hold myself to
that standard. I don't care if the only people
who follow you are your dog and your mother and you get on a
dating platform and you use yourprofile picture.
(10:39):
It needs to be authentic to you.It cannot be from three years
ago, four years ago, where womenare.
Skin changes, our hormones change, we gain weight, we lose
weight, our vibration changes. You could see it in her eyes.
Pretending does not last. So choose pictures that reflect
(10:59):
the real you now so she can be happy and feel safe and grounded
when she sees you in person knowing you look exactly the
same. If you're like Sophia, I don't
have new pictures. Go out and take a selfie in
natural sunlight. This is not 1980.
You don't need to hire a photographer, although that
would be beautiful. I have some private clients that
love to hire a photographer for their headshots, but that's not
(11:23):
necessary. Get out there and show the real
you. OK, so the first one, confidence
without arrogance. The second thing, women are
looking for authenticity. The third thing is shared
values. Shared values so important.
I'll take a step further step. Shared values and lifestyle.
If someone dating over 30, you are set in your ways, especially
(11:46):
if you're successful. You've got your routine, you
live by it. Someone needs to fit into that
lifestyle. This isn't going to work if you
would have to bend too much. I get it.
That is why we match women on alignment and values and
lifestyle. What's really important is
(12:07):
family dreams. You know, some women, we can't
even match them because they arewanting to plan for a family one
day. So we can't match them with
someone who doesn't. And the women who don't want a
family, we can't match them withthe women who do.
We match women who have children.
We match women who never want tohave children.
At the end of the day, those desires, those needs really need
(12:32):
to be met. Even the how someone spends the
weekend what's your ideal way tospend the weekend spend your
free time. Alignment matters.
That is attractive to someone when they see that you align.
It is a natural pool and 4th emotional presence.
Listening deeply, having a high EQ, remembering the little
(12:53):
things, making someone feel seen.
Reading the room is important. Whether you are taking your
person into a work event or she's getting to know your
parents for the first time or helping you through something
that is challenging. Her ability to be emotionally
(13:16):
present and evolved matters. And if you're asking yourself,
does she even like me like that?Is she into me?
If you're at the very early stages of a relationship, before
you can even begin to get to know someone based on those
(13:37):
deeper compatibility points and magnetizing points, you want to
look for cues like does she leancloser?
Does she find excuses to touch your arm?
Does she keep conversations going long after they could have
ended? That's attraction and motion.
Whether you're not sure about this when you're talking to
(14:00):
someone who could become a friend to a romantic interest,
or if you're on a first date, looking for those cues matter.
OK, so now what actually makes alesbian fall hard for you?
Here are the ways to stand out, not just on that first date, but
(14:20):
to magnetize someone online dressing with care.
Oh, I cannot say this enough. I don't know if you know what
about me, but I studied fashion.Someone doesn't have to be a
fashionista. Someone doesn't have to be them.
But you know what is sexy? Effort.
You know what is hot? A woman who knows who she is and
(14:40):
has a personal style. Dressing with care matters.
Taking care of yourself, your skin, your hair, your body being
the healthiest version of you because we all look different.
That is hot. That is hot.
I have dated everybody type, I've dated multiple hair colors.
(15:03):
I've dated across the board, feminine, masculine, and what
really matters is someone adorning themself with care.
Two, carrying yourself with a presence, entering the room like
you belong, smiling, eye contact, posture, standing up
straight. For a long time it was hard for
me to have good posture when I didn't really believe in myself.
(15:26):
So super important there. The third thing that's going to
make someone fall for you like crazy is being genuinely
curious, asking someone about their passion, and listening.
Really listening. One question I love to ask
someone after they say somethingnice about me or they know what
I do so they begin to talk aboutit.
I lean in and I ask them, so what's your dream?
(15:50):
And you'd be surprised how many people are taken aback because
in that moment they may be making something about you or
celebrating something about you or on a completely different
topic. And when you lean in with
genuine curiosity to hear about someone's passion and encourage
them to pursue it, they feel seen and they feel loved.
(16:15):
So if that's naturally in your heart, I would highly encourage
being genuinely curious and asking questions.
One of the things that I get feedback on about what a bad
date is, is a woman who does notask questions.
If you're just going to talk about yourself, sis, you're in
(16:38):
the wrong place. I don't want to work with you.
You need so to do some personal development work.
Showing that you are curious about someone else is going to
instantly make the conversation easier.
And four, don't rush intimacy. Intimacy too soon creates false
(17:03):
intimacy. Another thing that I didn't even
think I was going to talk about today but creates false intimacy
is trauma bonding over a shared ex or a shared experience.
Having that become the forefrontof what you talk about is not
going to be healthy because it'sinauthentic intimacy.
(17:28):
You have to build emotional trust and build real desire off
of conversations that have so much more to do than with your
past and diving right into sex with someone you don't even know
how you feel about them. One, it could leave you feeling
(17:50):
sad if it wouldn't work out in the future, and two, it doesn't
always feel like respecting someone else's pace if you're
going too fast. So take your time.
There's no one right way. Some people have sex on their
first date, some people have sexthree months in.
(18:12):
That's, I don't know. I feel like I'm somewhere in
between. I'm usually at least a month, at
least a month to two months in before I have sex.
I just really want to build emotional intimacy before
physical intimacy and build thattrust first.
But it's up to you. Five, keeping your word.
(18:33):
Reality is, if you are late, if you don't show up, if you aren't
consistent with your communication, if you fall off
the place of the planet and don't respond for days, you're
not going to be perceived as reliable.
And reliability is hot. If you say you're going to call,
(18:56):
call. What's the most attractive thing
to me is when someone says they're going to plan something,
then planning it and like sending the screenshot of the
reservation without me having toask.
That is so sexy. For the longest time I was in a
relationship with someone who I'd have to beg for confirmation
(19:18):
about dates, about plane tickets, about reservations, and
even worse than having to beg for it, she'd make me feel like
I was too much for asking for it.
It was so hurtful to me. I'm also a really OCD planner,
so maybe I have higher, higher frequency that I expect that
(19:42):
someone's going to make a plan and, and, and keep me updated
with the plan. But even when I would make the
plan right and I would take the lead, I wouldn't even get like a
response back. I wouldn't get a confirmation
that they were in for it. It was always wait, we'll see.
I'll tell you tomorrow. That just gives me the ick.
(20:03):
Like even now that makes my stomach turn.
Reliability is hot. Be reliable.
And if you're in the early phases of talking, don't.
How do I say this? Do not over indulge in texting
back each other like a lightningspeed.
If you can't keep up with that speed or you wouldn't want to
(20:27):
communicate. Like hey, today I'm working and
I will talk to you after work because you need the pace at
which you communicate to be consistent or at least
communicate when it's going to be different.
That's one thing that I notice as the founder of the Queer
Country Club. When people are telling me about
what's going on in the GMs, they'll be like, well, like we
(20:48):
were talking for a while and then she kind of just dropped
off and talks to me less. My dating coaching side kicks in
and I'm like, well, she's just not as interested as you are,
especially when someone tells melike the effort they put in.
And to that I say, your future wife is going to be interested
(21:12):
in prioritizing you. And when she meets you, she's
going to be interested in keeping things at the same pace
and it's going to feel like a natural flow and you're just
going to vibe. So if you're instantly
responding back to each other and have this beautiful back and
forth energy, that is what you can expect.
(21:36):
But if it starts slow and it's aslow burn, that's OK too.
What's not OK is someone talkingto you a lot, being all in, and
all of a sudden just falling offthe face of the planet.
Either their ex came back into their life or some other
tragedy, or they started talkingto someone else.
(21:59):
No matter what the reason is notcommunicating that the way
you're communicating is going toshift at the the frequency is
going to shift. Not communicating that to you is
proof that they have a communication problem.
And I want to be in a relationship with my future wife
(22:20):
who is predictable, who communicates with me in a way
that makes my nervous system feel safe.
So keep your word ladies, OK, Once you're like in it with
someone or the dates going good,what actually deepens the
connection? Paying attention to little
(22:44):
details. Showing up with fresh breath,
clean pressed outfit, subtle fragrance.
Or if you're like me, a lot of fragrance.
Yes, she's going to notice thoselittle things.
Taking care of yourself to look polished and put together like
this date meant something to youmatters.
(23:07):
And I know there's going to be people listening.
He's like, I'm not like that. Well, however, you're like, step
it up a notch. If you really like someone, pay
attention to the details. The next thing that's going to
deepen connection is building emotional intimacy.
And this can happen not on the first date, but it could.
It could a little bit. But for the most part, this is
(23:29):
something that happens in the early stages of dating.
And to do this healthily, it looks like sharing your dreams
and sharing your fears and holding space for her to do the
same with no judgement. And when you talk about your
fears, it's not a fear that makes you still sad about an ex
or something like that. But explaining how the events in
(23:53):
your life have shaped you and how it's caused you to dream or
to fear, and seeing how someone can respond to that is so
important. So I highly encourage it, not
just as a way to build that connection, but to really see
how well someone listens to you,how well someone responds to
(24:15):
you. Next is strengthening
communication, Not just flirting, listening.
How do they handle conflict? Can they handle it with grace?
Can they handle it with kindness?
Can you? I know for me, whenever I'm sad,
I kind of want to push away and having someone pull me in and
say, hey, I see that you're sad,can we talk about it a little
(24:39):
more? That's what I need.
So someone who's willing to strengthen the communication,
very, very important. Think about what your triggers
are. Can you communicate, hey, when I
feel sad, I need more of this orthat.
It's not just about flirting. It's about having the hard
conversations and knowing how toprepare for conflict.
That's hot. That's magnetic, because
(25:02):
safety's hot and safety's magnetic.
The next thing that deepens the connection is celebrating
individuality. Loving someone for their quirks.
Sharing how much she loved the little dimple in her face, the
freckle in her arm, the way thather booty feels in your hands.
Sharing how much she loved, how passionate she is in her career,
(25:25):
how you love when she lights up when she listens to a specific
song or how she screams things in the car.
Don't try to change her. Remind her that you wouldn't
change anything and that you love her as she is.
That is such a quick way to build emotional intimacy, safety
and honestly, love is a choice. And it's choosing to adore all
(25:46):
the little things about your partner instead of thinking they
are annoying. And it starts in the very
beginning phases of a relationship with celebrating
the individuality. People get resentful in the
middle of relationships and at the end of relationships because
they forget that these little quirks, these little things that
make them an individual are whatmade you fall in love with her
in the 1st place. So start celebrating it now and
(26:09):
be conscious of celebrating her little quirks now.
And most importantly, which has been the undercurrent and
foundation of all this, is fostering trust, being
consistent, always respecting boundaries, letting her know
it's safe to share her heart. This is what allows someone to
(26:29):
open their heart fully and that love energy to pour out.
Without feeling safe. Someone may feel like they
always need to protect themselves a little bit, have a
little wall up and have one toe out, not both feet in.
And what makes a relationship deep and beautiful is being 2
feet in this. Creating safety, putting your
(26:53):
best foot forward, communicating.
This is what makes a lesbian fall for you like crazy.
It's not about putting on a show, ever.
It's about being your truest, most authentic, intentional and
consistent self and consider itself.
How considerate can you be to not just your partner, but to
(27:16):
your first dates showing up withintention and giving consistent
attention. That is intentional, that is
kind, that is what is beautiful.That's what's going to help you
not only find magnetize, but keep your future wife.
(27:37):
And of course, I have to throw this in.
It's so much easier to connect with the right woman when you're
in the right environment, when you're sitting at the right
tables. You're not going to find someone
who is established and whole andemotionally healthy by going
party. This is why I created the Queer
Country Club. If you don't know about it, it's
(27:59):
my lesbian dating club, a curated space for mature
lesbians looking for meaningful monogamous relationships.
And I would love to invite you in.
This is an application based process members only club.
And it's so cool because there'sways to connect based on your
values inside, whether that spiritual values, personal
(28:20):
development values, values aboutyour career and success,
communicating like a family, like a beautiful community.
It's so much more than a regulardating app.
We offer AI matchmaking as well as live virtual speed dating
events and group coaching calls for me and other guest experts
(28:41):
on sexology relationships, preparing for your most healthy
relationships and manifesting your very best life.
So if you are a woman who truly has it all, everything but your
future wife, consider joining the Queer Country Club.
And if you are more of a privateperson, you don't want to be on
a dating platform and you're ready for a bestow bespoke
(29:04):
bespoke high touch experience. I also offer platinum private
lesbian matchmaking where I introduce you to high caliber
women. This is an incredible service.
I tell people all the time, it'slike I used to do so many things
before I did what I do now. This is my most fulfilling era
(29:25):
of my career matchmaking women and I've always believed in what
I've done as an entrepreneur. Before I did this, I had a
social media marketing agency and I always believed in what I
did. I would never sell something I
don't believe in or a service I wouldn't want to do myself.
But at the end of the day, everything that I've ever taught
someone for social media, I feltlike, well, if they put in five
(29:48):
years on their own, what they could learn in six months with
me, they could figure it out. But when it comes to this
service of Platinum matchmaking,this is something that a busy,
successful woman truly can't do on her own.
And even if she wanted to, she wouldn't have the network.
I have over 500,000 followers across platforms.
(30:09):
I receive 100 to 200 DMS every single day from lesbians around
the world. Me and my team are looking for
our platinum clients to match them with women from around the
world. So this is very, very, very
different than anything else that you have considered when it
comes to queer dating. If you're interested in this DME
(30:33):
Platinum matchmaking or if you're interested in the Queer
Country Club, DME Club, you can also find links to these two
incredible services in the show notes.
And the last thing I'm going to share is I am excited about our
very next retreat. If you are feeling the call to
join me and other extraordinary single lesbians at Canyon Ranch,
(30:56):
we hold spots for 8 to 10 singlewomen and one to two couples per
retreat. This is a once in a lifetime
experience staying out with the most extraordinary women in the
world as well as me and have a beautiful experience at the
world renowned Canyon Ranch Resort.
If that's something you're interested, DM me retreats or
(31:18):
visit the link in the show notesto apply.
It is an application process andwe will be wanting to do a quick
interview with you to make sure you're a good fit for our group.
OK, well this was a fun podcast.I've talked by myself to myself
for over 30 minutes. I'm so glad that you're here.
(31:38):
I'm so glad that you're wanting to grow.
I'm so glad that you're being intentional about being your
best self for your future partner.
I want you to show up confidently to your next first
date. I want you to be authentic.
And remember, it's not about having tricks up your sleeve.
It's about the energy you bring to the retreats, to the speed
(31:59):
dating, to your dating profile wherever you go to meet the
lesbians. If this episode spoke to you,
please share it with a friend who's also on the journey to
find her future wife. If you have someone in your life
and you're like how in the heck is she single, please tell me
her name. DM me on Instagram.
If you're ready to take the nextstep, you can join the Queer
Country Club or apply for platinumprivatematchmaking@queercountryclub.com.
(32:27):
Thank you for being here with me.
Stay authentic and keep rising, my beautiful queer women.
(33:06):
Music.
Hello my lesbian loves, and welcome back to Queer Women
Rising, the podcast. I'm your host Sofia Esplino, the
luxury lesbian matchmaker behindthe Queer Country Club.
Literally living my best life, my dream job, matching the most
extraordinary lesbians around the world.
(00:34):
Around here on the show, we talkabout all things lesbian love,
how to dodge the dating drama and creating the relationships,
the healthy, peaceful relationships we know we all
would deserve because life is too short to settle for anything
less than your future wife. I know so many times we try to
fit round pegs into square holesor I don't know, you know this
(00:57):
phrase that I'm trying to say, and I will say that I have been
guilty of doing that many times in my life.
But those days, say it with me. These days are over.
You are here to date with intentionality.
If you are listening to this, you are a lesbian who longs for
more, who longs for excellence in her relationships and in her
(01:22):
life. Today's episode, buckle up.
This is going to be a solo episode with me, and I'm talking
about something every lesbian has secretly googled at least
once. I know you have.
I sure have at one point in my life.
And that is how to make a lesbian go crazy for you.
How do you get someone addicted to you?
(01:43):
How do you get someone to be obsessed with you, but without
playing games, without any dark,manipulative tricks?
How to make someone genuinely fall in love with you.
So only use this episode for good because I'm going to be
sharing how to draw in someone, how to be magnetizing, and how
to be attractive for your dream partner.
(02:04):
Now as you know, if you are looking for a top tier lesbian,
the kind of lesbians that I match make the kind of lesbians
that come on my luxurious retreats.
You must be that girl like we attract what we are.
So if you want someone emotionally available, you need
(02:27):
to make yourself emotionally available.
If you want someone radiant and beautiful who takes care of
their skin, sis, you need to be on a skin care routine.
Take care of yourself and be that girl.
Now I've been seeing those postson Instagram and it's like these
girls like how to become her like, and they're usually
(02:49):
straight girls doing this, but like how to become like their
version of the ideal woman, which hey, can be extremely
misogynistic and heteronormativeand all the things.
But for what it's worth, at the end of the day, they share how
they can become that person in six months.
And the truth is, anyone can. If you want to manifest
(03:11):
something in your life, especially love, you just start
taking actions in your life thatyour future wife would want you
to take. You start becoming and showing
up as the woman who takes care of business.
You are your very best in every area of your life.
Because if you want someone who is going to have their shit
together, then you know you haveto have your shit together.
(03:35):
And what we're going to talk about isn't about cheesy pickup
lines or manipulative games likeI shared, or rushing intimacy,
because that could be a way thatsomeone can manipulate you too.
No, we're going to learn how to make lesbians go crazy for US1
lesbian in particular, the one you have your eye on because
(03:56):
you're simply showing up as yourwhole self in a way that makes
her lean in and pull away because you're putting your
authentic but best foot forward.OK, so first of all, let's talk
about a lesbian attraction. It is very different than just
(04:20):
typically for most people, especially as a demisexual me,
where I need to build up an emotional connection with
someone before I want to have a sexual thought about them.
Attraction is so much more than skin deep for lesbians.
And yes, chemistry matters, but what makes a woman unforgettable
(04:41):
is how you make her feel and howcompetitive you are.
And I'm going to go into the things that I know matter, but I
just want you to know I've been doing a lot of reading and
studying the Gottman Institute, which they are the relationship
experts. If you geek out on relationships
and compatibility and how to build a healthy relationship,
(05:05):
the Gottman Institute is very powerful.
And I'm reading the book The Eight Dates right now.
And one of the things that they were able to prove, which is
really interesting as a matchmaker because I know this
is true, is that while there aremany ways that I can match
someone and the most important ways are matching someone based
off of lifestyle compatibility, values compatibility and
(05:29):
attraction. Of course, we will lead with
making sure they're at least attracted to the person.
Then we look at lifestyle compatibility.
Then we look at value compatibility in terms of
narrowing down to make the idealmatch, as I call it the platinum
needle in a haystack. What I cannot control nor
(05:50):
predict as an expert in this is that the spark is elusive.
No one can guarantee there will be a spark, not even you, until
you see that person in person and you feel their energy.
(06:11):
Spark is an energetic realm thatwe cannot define nor predicts.
And at the end of the day, that attraction is something that you
cannot predict, but it would be you would have far greater
(06:35):
chances of having attraction if you are taking care of yourself
and putting your best foot forward.
That does not mean you need to be a supermodel.
That does not mean mean you needto be the most suave mask
lesbian in the world, but it does mean that taking care of
(06:58):
yourself does matter and how youcommunicate does matter.
So let's get into what actually catches someone's attention.
And of course everything with a grain of salt because this is
about attraction. But this does not guarantee the
spark. OK, so just put the spark.
(07:19):
Shove the spark aside from the spark.
This is what matters for most women.
I am finding that the quality ofhaving confidence without
arrogance really matters. A woman wants to feel your
steady energy, not your ego. A woman wants to know how you
(07:40):
treat people and see you treat everyone with kindness.
The most successful women in theworld who have have it all and
come to me for matchmaking or come on the retreats and they
want to meet people. They don't care about what
you've done, your accomplishments, the money in
your bank account. They care about how you treat
(08:01):
people. And I've noticed the more
successful women are, they carrythis grounded confidence without
arrogance and they need someone who can meet them with that
energy because this kind of woman doesn't want to go to the
finest restaurants with you if you are going to be an ass to
(08:21):
the waiter. It's that simple.
OK, the second thing that women look for and they're feeling for
is authenticity. Pretending to be someone other
than yourself doesn't last. When I was little and
evangelical Christian, SI was obsessed with the show Veggie
(08:44):
Tales. And I don't remember all the
characters names, but I rememberwell.
I remember Larry the cucumber, Bob the tomato, but there is
this little guy, and he was a little baby asparagus.
Bear with me, because if you've never seen this show as a kid,
you're going to be like, what the heck, Sophia?
Yeah, I'm that lesbian that brings up Veggie Tales in the
middle of my podcast. But at the end of the day, this
(09:06):
little asparagus tells a lie, and the lie keeps growing.
I'm sure you've heard either other fairy tale or parable
stories like this, but essentially, when we lead with
an inauthentic foot, when we lead with making something
bigger or smaller than it is, when we lead with lying by
(09:32):
omission or pretending somethingis more than it is, we are more
powerful than we are, more successful than we are more
healed than we are. Your partner.
You know you, this person that you're hoping becomes your
girlfriend. OK, say she does.
She will sniff you, sniff you out and no longer trusts you
(09:55):
because any pretending feels like a distrust.
You need to build your relationship, even your first
meeting, even your pro, from themoment she sees your profile
picture on the Queer Country Club or whatever dating platform
you're using, you need to lead with authenticity.
And I say it all the time. And I'm like, OK, it's rich
coming from a girly with lip injections and Botox like me.
(10:17):
But when someone meets me in real life, I look exactly the
same as I do online. Just because I'm a person of the
Internet doesn't mean that I alone need to hold myself to
that standard. I don't care if the only people
who follow you are your dog and your mother and you get on a
dating platform and you use yourprofile picture.
(10:39):
It needs to be authentic to you.It cannot be from three years
ago, four years ago, where womenare.
Skin changes, our hormones change, we gain weight, we lose
weight, our vibration changes. You could see it in her eyes.
Pretending does not last. So choose pictures that reflect
(10:59):
the real you now so she can be happy and feel safe and grounded
when she sees you in person knowing you look exactly the
same. If you're like Sophia, I don't
have new pictures. Go out and take a selfie in
natural sunlight. This is not 1980.
You don't need to hire a photographer, although that
would be beautiful. I have some private clients that
love to hire a photographer for their headshots, but that's not
(11:23):
necessary. Get out there and show the real
you. OK, so the first one, confidence
without arrogance. The second thing, women are
looking for authenticity. The third thing is shared
values. Shared values so important.
I'll take a step further step. Shared values and lifestyle.
If someone dating over 30, you are set in your ways, especially
(11:46):
if you're successful. You've got your routine, you
live by it. Someone needs to fit into that
lifestyle. This isn't going to work if you
would have to bend too much. I get it.
That is why we match women on alignment and values and
lifestyle. What's really important is
(12:07):
family dreams. You know, some women, we can't
even match them because they arewanting to plan for a family one
day. So we can't match them with
someone who doesn't. And the women who don't want a
family, we can't match them withthe women who do.
We match women who have children.
We match women who never want tohave children.
At the end of the day, those desires, those needs really need
(12:32):
to be met. Even the how someone spends the
weekend what's your ideal way tospend the weekend spend your
free time. Alignment matters.
That is attractive to someone when they see that you align.
It is a natural pool and 4th emotional presence.
Listening deeply, having a high EQ, remembering the little
(12:53):
things, making someone feel seen.
Reading the room is important. Whether you are taking your
person into a work event or she's getting to know your
parents for the first time or helping you through something
that is challenging. Her ability to be emotionally
(13:16):
present and evolved matters. And if you're asking yourself,
does she even like me like that?Is she into me?
If you're at the very early stages of a relationship, before
you can even begin to get to know someone based on those
(13:37):
deeper compatibility points and magnetizing points, you want to
look for cues like does she leancloser?
Does she find excuses to touch your arm?
Does she keep conversations going long after they could have
ended? That's attraction and motion.
Whether you're not sure about this when you're talking to
(14:00):
someone who could become a friend to a romantic interest,
or if you're on a first date, looking for those cues matter.
OK, so now what actually makes alesbian fall hard for you?
Here are the ways to stand out, not just on that first date, but
(14:20):
to magnetize someone online dressing with care.
Oh, I cannot say this enough. I don't know if you know what
about me, but I studied fashion.Someone doesn't have to be a
fashionista. Someone doesn't have to be them.
But you know what is sexy? Effort.
You know what is hot? A woman who knows who she is and
(14:40):
has a personal style. Dressing with care matters.
Taking care of yourself, your skin, your hair, your body being
the healthiest version of you because we all look different.
That is hot. That is hot.
I have dated everybody type, I've dated multiple hair colors.
(15:03):
I've dated across the board, feminine, masculine, and what
really matters is someone adorning themself with care.
Two, carrying yourself with a presence, entering the room like
you belong, smiling, eye contact, posture, standing up
straight. For a long time it was hard for
me to have good posture when I didn't really believe in myself.
(15:26):
So super important there. The third thing that's going to
make someone fall for you like crazy is being genuinely
curious, asking someone about their passion, and listening.
Really listening. One question I love to ask
someone after they say somethingnice about me or they know what
I do so they begin to talk aboutit.
I lean in and I ask them, so what's your dream?
(15:50):
And you'd be surprised how many people are taken aback because
in that moment they may be making something about you or
celebrating something about you or on a completely different
topic. And when you lean in with
genuine curiosity to hear about someone's passion and encourage
them to pursue it, they feel seen and they feel loved.
(16:15):
So if that's naturally in your heart, I would highly encourage
being genuinely curious and asking questions.
One of the things that I get feedback on about what a bad
date is, is a woman who does notask questions.
If you're just going to talk about yourself, sis, you're in
(16:38):
the wrong place. I don't want to work with you.
You need so to do some personal development work.
Showing that you are curious about someone else is going to
instantly make the conversation easier.
And four, don't rush intimacy. Intimacy too soon creates false
(17:03):
intimacy. Another thing that I didn't even
think I was going to talk about today but creates false intimacy
is trauma bonding over a shared ex or a shared experience.
Having that become the forefrontof what you talk about is not
going to be healthy because it'sinauthentic intimacy.
(17:28):
You have to build emotional trust and build real desire off
of conversations that have so much more to do than with your
past and diving right into sex with someone you don't even know
how you feel about them. One, it could leave you feeling
(17:50):
sad if it wouldn't work out in the future, and two, it doesn't
always feel like respecting someone else's pace if you're
going too fast. So take your time.
There's no one right way. Some people have sex on their
first date, some people have sexthree months in.
(18:12):
That's, I don't know. I feel like I'm somewhere in
between. I'm usually at least a month, at
least a month to two months in before I have sex.
I just really want to build emotional intimacy before
physical intimacy and build thattrust first.
But it's up to you. Five, keeping your word.
(18:33):
Reality is, if you are late, if you don't show up, if you aren't
consistent with your communication, if you fall off
the place of the planet and don't respond for days, you're
not going to be perceived as reliable.
And reliability is hot. If you say you're going to call,
(18:56):
call. What's the most attractive thing
to me is when someone says they're going to plan something,
then planning it and like sending the screenshot of the
reservation without me having toask.
That is so sexy. For the longest time I was in a
relationship with someone who I'd have to beg for confirmation
(19:18):
about dates, about plane tickets, about reservations, and
even worse than having to beg for it, she'd make me feel like
I was too much for asking for it.
It was so hurtful to me. I'm also a really OCD planner,
so maybe I have higher, higher frequency that I expect that
(19:42):
someone's going to make a plan and, and, and keep me updated
with the plan. But even when I would make the
plan right and I would take the lead, I wouldn't even get like a
response back. I wouldn't get a confirmation
that they were in for it. It was always wait, we'll see.
I'll tell you tomorrow. That just gives me the ick.
(20:03):
Like even now that makes my stomach turn.
Reliability is hot. Be reliable.
And if you're in the early phases of talking, don't.
How do I say this? Do not over indulge in texting
back each other like a lightningspeed.
If you can't keep up with that speed or you wouldn't want to
(20:27):
communicate. Like hey, today I'm working and
I will talk to you after work because you need the pace at
which you communicate to be consistent or at least
communicate when it's going to be different.
That's one thing that I notice as the founder of the Queer
Country Club. When people are telling me about
what's going on in the GMs, they'll be like, well, like we
(20:48):
were talking for a while and then she kind of just dropped
off and talks to me less. My dating coaching side kicks in
and I'm like, well, she's just not as interested as you are,
especially when someone tells melike the effort they put in.
And to that I say, your future wife is going to be interested
(21:12):
in prioritizing you. And when she meets you, she's
going to be interested in keeping things at the same pace
and it's going to feel like a natural flow and you're just
going to vibe. So if you're instantly
responding back to each other and have this beautiful back and
forth energy, that is what you can expect.
(21:36):
But if it starts slow and it's aslow burn, that's OK too.
What's not OK is someone talkingto you a lot, being all in, and
all of a sudden just falling offthe face of the planet.
Either their ex came back into their life or some other
tragedy, or they started talkingto someone else.
(21:59):
No matter what the reason is notcommunicating that the way
you're communicating is going toshift at the the frequency is
going to shift. Not communicating that to you is
proof that they have a communication problem.
And I want to be in a relationship with my future wife
(22:20):
who is predictable, who communicates with me in a way
that makes my nervous system feel safe.
So keep your word ladies, OK, Once you're like in it with
someone or the dates going good,what actually deepens the
connection? Paying attention to little
(22:44):
details. Showing up with fresh breath,
clean pressed outfit, subtle fragrance.
Or if you're like me, a lot of fragrance.
Yes, she's going to notice thoselittle things.
Taking care of yourself to look polished and put together like
this date meant something to youmatters.
(23:07):
And I know there's going to be people listening.
He's like, I'm not like that. Well, however, you're like, step
it up a notch. If you really like someone, pay
attention to the details. The next thing that's going to
deepen connection is building emotional intimacy.
And this can happen not on the first date, but it could.
It could a little bit. But for the most part, this is
(23:29):
something that happens in the early stages of dating.
And to do this healthily, it looks like sharing your dreams
and sharing your fears and holding space for her to do the
same with no judgement. And when you talk about your
fears, it's not a fear that makes you still sad about an ex
or something like that. But explaining how the events in
(23:53):
your life have shaped you and how it's caused you to dream or
to fear, and seeing how someone can respond to that is so
important. So I highly encourage it, not
just as a way to build that connection, but to really see
how well someone listens to you,how well someone responds to
(24:15):
you. Next is strengthening
communication, Not just flirting, listening.
How do they handle conflict? Can they handle it with grace?
Can they handle it with kindness?
Can you? I know for me, whenever I'm sad,
I kind of want to push away and having someone pull me in and
say, hey, I see that you're sad,can we talk about it a little
(24:39):
more? That's what I need.
So someone who's willing to strengthen the communication,
very, very important. Think about what your triggers
are. Can you communicate, hey, when I
feel sad, I need more of this orthat.
It's not just about flirting. It's about having the hard
conversations and knowing how toprepare for conflict.
That's hot. That's magnetic, because
(25:02):
safety's hot and safety's magnetic.
The next thing that deepens the connection is celebrating
individuality. Loving someone for their quirks.
Sharing how much she loved the little dimple in her face, the
freckle in her arm, the way thather booty feels in your hands.
Sharing how much she loved, how passionate she is in her career,
(25:25):
how you love when she lights up when she listens to a specific
song or how she screams things in the car.
Don't try to change her. Remind her that you wouldn't
change anything and that you love her as she is.
That is such a quick way to build emotional intimacy, safety
and honestly, love is a choice. And it's choosing to adore all
(25:46):
the little things about your partner instead of thinking they
are annoying. And it starts in the very
beginning phases of a relationship with celebrating
the individuality. People get resentful in the
middle of relationships and at the end of relationships because
they forget that these little quirks, these little things that
make them an individual are whatmade you fall in love with her
in the 1st place. So start celebrating it now and
(26:09):
be conscious of celebrating her little quirks now.
And most importantly, which has been the undercurrent and
foundation of all this, is fostering trust, being
consistent, always respecting boundaries, letting her know
it's safe to share her heart. This is what allows someone to
(26:29):
open their heart fully and that love energy to pour out.
Without feeling safe. Someone may feel like they
always need to protect themselves a little bit, have a
little wall up and have one toe out, not both feet in.
And what makes a relationship deep and beautiful is being 2
feet in this. Creating safety, putting your
(26:53):
best foot forward, communicating.
This is what makes a lesbian fall for you like crazy.
It's not about putting on a show, ever.
It's about being your truest, most authentic, intentional and
consistent self and consider itself.
How considerate can you be to not just your partner, but to
(27:16):
your first dates showing up withintention and giving consistent
attention. That is intentional, that is
kind, that is what is beautiful.That's what's going to help you
not only find magnetize, but keep your future wife.
(27:37):
And of course, I have to throw this in.
It's so much easier to connect with the right woman when you're
in the right environment, when you're sitting at the right
tables. You're not going to find someone
who is established and whole andemotionally healthy by going
party. This is why I created the Queer
Country Club. If you don't know about it, it's
(27:59):
my lesbian dating club, a curated space for mature
lesbians looking for meaningful monogamous relationships.
And I would love to invite you in.
This is an application based process members only club.
And it's so cool because there'sways to connect based on your
values inside, whether that spiritual values, personal
(28:20):
development values, values aboutyour career and success,
communicating like a family, like a beautiful community.
It's so much more than a regulardating app.
We offer AI matchmaking as well as live virtual speed dating
events and group coaching calls for me and other guest experts
(28:41):
on sexology relationships, preparing for your most healthy
relationships and manifesting your very best life.
So if you are a woman who truly has it all, everything but your
future wife, consider joining the Queer Country Club.
And if you are more of a privateperson, you don't want to be on
a dating platform and you're ready for a bestow bespoke
(29:04):
bespoke high touch experience. I also offer platinum private
lesbian matchmaking where I introduce you to high caliber
women. This is an incredible service.
I tell people all the time, it'slike I used to do so many things
before I did what I do now. This is my most fulfilling era
(29:25):
of my career matchmaking women and I've always believed in what
I've done as an entrepreneur. Before I did this, I had a
social media marketing agency and I always believed in what I
did. I would never sell something I
don't believe in or a service I wouldn't want to do myself.
But at the end of the day, everything that I've ever taught
someone for social media, I feltlike, well, if they put in five
(29:48):
years on their own, what they could learn in six months with
me, they could figure it out. But when it comes to this
service of Platinum matchmaking,this is something that a busy,
successful woman truly can't do on her own.
And even if she wanted to, she wouldn't have the network.
I have over 500,000 followers across platforms.
(30:09):
I receive 100 to 200 DMS every single day from lesbians around
the world. Me and my team are looking for
our platinum clients to match them with women from around the
world. So this is very, very, very
different than anything else that you have considered when it
comes to queer dating. If you're interested in this DME
(30:33):
Platinum matchmaking or if you're interested in the Queer
Country Club, DME Club, you can also find links to these two
incredible services in the show notes.
And the last thing I'm going to share is I am excited about our
very next retreat. If you are feeling the call to
join me and other extraordinary single lesbians at Canyon Ranch,
(30:56):
we hold spots for 8 to 10 singlewomen and one to two couples per
retreat. This is a once in a lifetime
experience staying out with the most extraordinary women in the
world as well as me and have a beautiful experience at the
world renowned Canyon Ranch Resort.
If that's something you're interested, DM me retreats or
(31:18):
visit the link in the show notesto apply.
It is an application process andwe will be wanting to do a quick
interview with you to make sure you're a good fit for our group.
OK, well this was a fun podcast.I've talked by myself to myself
for over 30 minutes. I'm so glad that you're here.
(31:38):
I'm so glad that you're wanting to grow.
I'm so glad that you're being intentional about being your
best self for your future partner.
I want you to show up confidently to your next first
date. I want you to be authentic.
And remember, it's not about having tricks up your sleeve.
It's about the energy you bring to the retreats, to the speed
(31:59):
dating, to your dating profile wherever you go to meet the
lesbians. If this episode spoke to you,
please share it with a friend who's also on the journey to
find her future wife. If you have someone in your life
and you're like how in the heck is she single, please tell me
her name. DM me on Instagram.
If you're ready to take the nextstep, you can join the Queer
Country Club or apply for platinumprivatematchmaking@queercountryclub.com.
(32:27):
Thank you for being here with me.
Stay authentic and keep rising, my beautiful queer women.
(33:06):
Music.
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