May 9, 2024 • 29 mins
Think creating a guest list is hard!? Well it IS but then you sprinle some gayness in and it can be an even bigger jumbled mess. This episode is all about the realities of that but also all about giving practical tips that you as a queer couple can use in your planning, or that for those outside of the community, you can take some notes to share with future couples :)
Things mentioned in the episode:
Blog on how inviting guests is hard lol
TikTok talking about Jackie Hill Perry and on being stand in family
Stand In Pride International (Stand in family) Facebook group for those who are looking for extra support on their wedding day
One of my own blogs discussing inviting guests to your wedding
THE MIC DROP QUOTE:
"With Love and Pride: This is an LGBTQIA+ inclusive event. We request that those who will not wholeheartedly support our marriage, please RSVP "no" to our wedding"
thanks friends!
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo (00:00):
Weirdly beloved.
Welcome back to this week'sepisode at my name is Ana.
I use.
She her pronouns and I am theowner and a photographer at
wildly connected photo.
I have been doing podcasts forabout a year and a half now.
And we talk about all thingsrelated to queer weddings, just
(00:22):
in case there's anyone newhopping in here today.
So, Also for context.
And for those, if you don'tknow.
I am gay.
Just, just so you know but no,I'm, I'm very this episode is
going to be super, superimportant, but before we dive
into it I just wanted to say,wow, I shot my first elopement
(00:42):
of the year.
Almost a month ago now at thispoint.
And it was so magical.
I also shot my first ever Mondaywedding this week and also so
magical and beautiful.
And wow.
Just sharing that the season hasstarted.
It's going to be in full swinghere.
(01:04):
Also pride month is coming uparound the corner.
So I hope all of my fellow gayshere are getting pumped.
If you are local, I will behaving a booth at the twin
cities pride again this year.
And I cannot wait to see all ofyour lovely faces.
And take some photos of thoselovely faces as well.
(01:27):
So, Yeah, I just wanted to bebetter about connecting with
y'all and sharing a little bitabout what's going on around
here before the episodes.
So.
That's my life and because I'mbad at transitions in real life,
we're just going to be.
(01:47):
Bad at transitions here for asecond.
But now this week's episode isincredibly important.
It's one that I've been thinkingabout since the start of this
podcast, but.
Something that I feel is really,really important.
And so just wanting to make surethat.
I felt.
Fully prepared to talk aboutthis topic.
(02:08):
But it recently.
Came up again in my life.
In a very interesting way, we'llsay.
And so.
I've been thinking about it forthe past.
Month or month and a half.
And now here we are withepisode, which we're talking
about inviting guests to yourwedding.
(02:30):
Ooh.
This is, this is a, this is abig, big topic.
And I think that some of youmight've even had reactions to
just the topic.
When I said it, but.
Truly, if you were to like, dosome research, which I'm
actually going to link somearticles in the show notes
(02:50):
below, if you are interested.
Like both from articles as wellas just looking online at what
people are saying.
One of the number one, moststressful things for couple when
planning their wedding.
Is there guest list.
Okay.
So first of all, like even justthe task of like making a list
(03:14):
or a spreadsheet.
With names.
And then on top of that, havingto hunt down people's phone
numbers, emails, and actualphysical addresses.
Like that itself.
So much work.
So time consuming.
Even in a very digital age, likethat's a lot of work.
But on top of that, couples haveto have these discussions about
(03:37):
who to invite.
Who's not invited.
And then that opens a whole canof worms of like, well, if this
person's invited, then we haveto invite this person, but we
don't want to invite thisperson.
Or if we can't invite thisperson or don't want to, how do
we talk to that person aboutthat?
Right.
Like there's so many things.
That come with this conversationand you also have to be mindful
(04:00):
of budget and like your venuecapacity and do people get plus
ones, right?
It's just, it's a whole thing.
Okay.
So I'm saying that to paint apicture of right, like.
This is already a very immenselystraight thing.
So what, oh my gosh.
This is ours.
A very immensely, immenselystressful thing.
(04:24):
But even in looking at thesearticles and kind of reading,
like what folks are sayingonline and on Reddit and
whatnot, like typically.
It's straight couples that we'rethinking of when talking about
that, right.
Because that's sort of stilljust the wedding industry and.
It's a lot of couples.
So I say that because you takethat.
(04:47):
You take this thing that isalready immensely stressful.
Opens up so much.
Can even sometimes lead to likearguments or like.
You know, just all of thethings.
And then you, you.
You just, you just sprinkle in.
Being gay on top of that.
On top of that.
(05:08):
Can you imagine?
Because on its own.
Queer couples often face somany.
Like sad, hateful things from.
Their relationships in variouscapacities, like in their
day-to-day life, I'm saying, butthen on top of that, a wedding,
which actually requires peopleto be in attendance, a K like
(05:30):
requires people to show theirtrue colors and say how they
really feel like.
That's so much.
And.
Queer couples when it comes totheir weddings, they're often
facing.
You know, negative comments andpeople saying things or not
wanting to show up from, youknow, anywhere from their
(05:52):
immediate family or a lot oftimes it really does.
End up being the extended familyand friends and coworkers.
And so.
You add that on top of this taskthat is already immensely
daunting.
And immensely stressful and hasa lot of emotions.
And then you add.
(06:13):
That whole dynamic on top.
Like it's a lot.
It's a lot.
And so we're here to talk aboutthat today.
So.
The reason that this came upagain.
In my life recently is becauseas many of you know, my past is
quite tied to the Christianfaith.
(06:35):
No longer, however, there arestill some of those old ties
there.
And so.
A few.
Yeah.
Maybe like.
Six to eight weeks ago.
I.
Was on my personal Instagram.
You know, just unwinding for theday.
And saw that someone from mypast whom shall rename.
(06:57):
Remain anonymous.
Had shared something to theirstory.
About.
Jackie hill Perry.
I can't even say her namewithout laughing.
If you know, you know, and ifyou don't know, Jackie ho Perry
is the author of gay girl.
(07:18):
Good God.
So just let that sink in.
I have been sent that book manytimes.
In my life.
And it is pretty much.
Probably exactly what you areimagining.
She talks about her experiencebeing a former.
Yes.
You heard me right.
Former lesbian.
(07:39):
Who then found God repented.
From her quote same-sexattraction since.
And.
Is now not a lesbian and ismarried to a man and has
children.
So that's the premise of thebook.
Aye.
Could have a whole separatepodcast about that, honestly.
(08:00):
The damage that she does.
Is just, it's frightening.
Honestly, she has a very largefollowing and is just teaching.
Such harmful rhetoric.
Right.
And even again, you know, thatmy goal here is to not.
Comment or come at people'sreligious beliefs.
(08:23):
However, I will say that.
This is incredibly harmfulbecause I do know that there are
a lot of faiths and religionsthat are accepting and that
there are specific.
Denominations and certain groupswithin Christianity that are
affirming.
(08:43):
I am aware of that and that's,and that's great.
But the reason that her rhetoricis so harmful.
As, because it just furthersthat divide of.
She is actively telling people.
And specifically, mostlyChristians who may be kind of on
the fence.
(09:03):
That she's saying no, no, no,no.
Like, don't worry.
You know, the gays, the gays canbe converted and, and I'm here
to tell you that was my exactexperience.
And so if it can happen for me,then it should happen for
everyone else.
So I will stop talking aboutthat now, before I get too
heated.
But.
That's just a little bit ofcontext into who she is and the
(09:24):
kinds of things that she talksabout.
And so she actually now has apodcast.
I don't know if every singleepisode is with her husband or
not, but I think a lot of themare.
Yeah, actually, I think thatmost of them are.
So anyways, She recentlyreleased a podcast episode.
And the title is something tothe effect of.
(09:46):
Would I attend a gay wedding.
I'm not going to link it oranything because I'm not trying
to give her any backlinks ortype of support.
And also I think.
Honestly that no one shouldlisten to it because I did.
And it was immensely painful.
Which was on me.
That was me.
So this person from my pastshared the, the episode and
(10:10):
basically said that it wasincredibly convicting and, you
know, some good reminders thatthey needed to be reminded of.
So naturally I see this and I'mlike, all right, I need to know.
I need to know what's happeningin the world.
What's going out there.
Cause like I said, Jackie hillPerry has a large following.
Like she is huge on Tik TOK andInstagram.
And so I just really wanted toknow.
(10:33):
Not a good idea would notrecommend the episode is like an
hour and a half long.
And it was really, reallypainful.
Like.
Truly, honestly, it was verypainful to listen to.
And again, that was on me.
But highly do not recommendlistening.
To sum it up.
She and her husband kind of goback and forth for awhile and.
(10:56):
At first, the husband says thathe can't because he doesn't want
to accidentally show any kind ofsupport.
Right.
Like, he talks about how.
And his mind, you know, if hewas invited.
He would maybe consider going ifhe could have a conversation
with the couple to basically belike, yeah, I might come, but
like just seeing, you know,like, I'm going to be very vocal
(11:18):
there about how you do notsupport us, which I'm like, Ooh,
okay.
Gross.
Who would, who would invite youthen?
So he kind of starts out thereand then Jackie hill Perry is
basically saying.
No, I wouldn't go.
And she.
Because I'm trying very hard notto laugh because this is just
ridiculous.
She actually.
(11:40):
Compares.
Attending a gay wedding toslavery.
And, and also for those of youwho don't know, Jackie hill
Perry, Jackie hill is a woman ofcolor.
And she is herself comparing,going to a gay wedding to
slavery.
I about lost my mind when shesaid that.
(12:01):
And again, just for context, forthose who don't understand,
she's basically saying it'sbecause the couple is a slave to
their sand.
That's like a common biblicalphrase.
And so she is saying, I don'twant to support slavery and
therefore I will not go.
And then.
Just before you think it can'tget any worse.
(12:22):
Towards the end of the episode,her husband.
Basically stops everything.
He's like, wait, wait, wait,wait, wait.
Like I'm getting, I'm getting aword from the Lord.
Like.
The Lord is actively speaking tome.
And he basically says actually,like, I'm changing my answer.
I would go to a gay weddingbecause I think it's my mission
(12:42):
to go there.
And spread the gospel.
And like be good influence andchange people's minds is
basically what you saying.
Yep.
This is like, this is, this istruth.
Like this is, this is 100% realand like, It is reflective of a
lot of churches.
Around the world.
(13:03):
And so I share that because.
Yeah, it is reality.
And I think we all just need tolet that sink in a little bit.
Where.
Again, I will always say, likewe have come so far in so many
ways and I think we have a lotto be grateful for.
And also like, this is still thereality of the world that we
(13:23):
live in.
I really just wanted to bringthat up.
To just say that.
Fewer outside of the community.
Like, I really want you toextra, let this sink in just to
understand like where we as acommunity are coming from.
When we're thinking about thisaspect of our wedding.
And for the couples from theLGBTQ community listening, like.
(13:47):
If any of this has resonatedwith you.
Or if this has been yourexperience and I'm truly so
sorry.
It really, really sucks thatthis has to be.
Such a big part of ourexperience still.
I just think it's so importantto be real and to let people
know what this is like.
And as I said earlier, like, Theactive, inviting people to your
(14:10):
wedding is already immenselystressful, but then add all of
this.
These hard realities of what weas queer folks have to deal with
on top of.
And it.
Yeah, it's just a lot.
So.
Moving on from that.
That very hard.
Topic.
I actually shortly after like,I'm listening to that podcast.
(14:32):
I did see some other sort ofcreators on Tik TOK and things
like stitching it and respondingto it.
And one tick tock creator.
Their name is Chris.
I will link the, their handle inthe show notes.
Kind of response to Jackie hillPerry and like basically says
how like, yeah, just all of it'sharmful and that.
Yeah, I'll only get in the shownotes.
(14:54):
But one thing that I did reallyappreciate was that this creator
said.
Like at the end of the video.
We're like just email me andlike I'll show up at your
wedding.
Like.
Me and my crew, we will show upat your wedding and we will be
there for you.
If you don't have family.
And so many people in thecomments were bringing up this
idea of.
(15:14):
Stand and family.
And there's groups like that onFacebook, on tech talk.
And I'm also going to link onethat I found on Facebook that is
called, like it is called Stanand family international or
something like that.
We're basically like people.
We'll just like, come up to yourwedding and be there for you and
be friendly faces.
If you need some extra support,like if you were like, My family
(15:38):
is not cool with this andthey're not going to be there.
And I really don't want to be alot on my wedding.
Like those groups do exist and Ijust think that is the coolest.
Sweetest thing.
And also again, for those whoare listening or maybe.
Not from the community or justhave a different lived
experience.
Like this is also a reality too.
And I think that a lot of thistoo, can be really dependent.
(15:59):
On where the couple is, right?
Like, I, I hear this a lotabout.
Atlanta and Georgia and, andareas in the south.
Of course not.
Not everyone everywhere.
I'm not making a blanketstatement, but I am saying that
sometimes.
Certain geographical areas orlike if you're in the Bible
belt, like.
It's just sort of a naturalthing that happens with being in
(16:22):
those.
Those areas where people justmight have a lot harder time.
But obviously you can, you canhave that experience anywhere.
So if anyone here.
Need some support.
Definitely look in those groups.
Also feel free to message me.
I'll I'll make it work.
If, if I can.
So yeah, I think I really justfelt like we needed to set the
(16:44):
stage here.
For this conversation like.
Just acknowledging therealities, right?
Like.
Of course, this can also be likea super joyful and affirming
experience, like thinking about.
All of the lovely, amazinghumans in your life that you're
really excited to spend the daywith and to celebrate.
Like, of course there is thataspect to.
(17:07):
And I want that for everyone,but also we just need to
acknowledge that that is noteveryone's experience.
And so for those of you who arelistening, who.
Maybe are struggling a littlebit with this.
We're going to go ahead and talkabout just some tips for
inviting or not inviting gueststo your wedding.
(17:28):
And for those of you who areallies or outside of the
community, I still encourage youto listen in to take notes so
that.
You can pass these along tocouples.
Especially if you are acoordinator or are a vendor that
helps people early on, like,this is super helpful for just
being able to offer somesuggestions to couples.
(17:49):
So.
I think that the very, veryfirst thing that couples need to
do is discuss.
With your partner, what yourboundaries are as far as your
wedding day wedding days are so,so special.
And they're so important.
And of course, I think we'd liketo live by the idea of like it's
about the, the marriage and notjust the one day wedding.
(18:13):
But still like weddings are sosacred and they're so special
and so important.
And it's up to you as a coupleto decide what your, what kind
of energy you're going to allowinto that.
And watch you're not I've haddiscussions with.
Many couples over the year, overthe years who have really
different approaches to that.
(18:34):
And I think that is reallybeautiful.
Some couples.
R like, you know what.
This is our day and we reallydon't want to have any bad vibes
or anyone with any judgment orsecret agendas, anything like
that in our day, like, We justwanted to feel super safe and
super good.
Great amazing.
(18:55):
And there are some couples whotruly are like, you know what.
I know that my aunt or.
Grandma or grandpa or.
Uncle on my dad's side orwhomever.
It doesn't actually reallysupport this.
But.
You know, They may say somethinglike, but.
(19:17):
He's still my uncle and I stillwant him there and that's valid
or they may say.
You know, my friend, yourcoworker.
Isn't super supportive, but I.
Kind of want to be that personfor them to like show them that
we are a super like normalcouple and that our wedding is
going to be normal and like fullof love.
And we're okay with being those,those people for these people.
(19:41):
And that's, that's super validtoo.
Like I think you really justneed to have a conversation with
your partner about.
Where to draw your boundaries.
And I think that in thatconversation, it's really,
really important for each of youto figure out what taking care
of looks like for you.
On that day, like, Do you needto have some planned breaks
(20:02):
throughout your day to just likestep away.
And just be with your person.
Do you need to have a plan with.
A trusted friend or familymember, or maybe with your
coordinator of like what to dowith things start to go south or
people make weird comments aboutsomething like.
Just make sure that's part ofyour car, your conversation as
(20:24):
well.
So after that, you can kind oftalk about like, Practically
how, how inviting guests will gofor your wedding.
My all time favorite.
Is from some dear friends ofmine, which if you happen to be
listening, You'll know who youare and I appreciate you so, so
much.
(20:45):
They did this for their weddingand it was honestly.
Like I've been photographingqueer couples for quite a while
and had not seen this yet untilI saw their invite.
Which says with love and pride.
This is an LGBTQ plus inclusiveevent.
We request.
That those who will notwholeheartedly support our
(21:05):
marriage.
Please RSVP no to our wedding.
Mike drop.
Like, I truly feel that I couldend the episode right there, or
that, that phrase could just bethat, that could be the episode
right there.
It just is so it's so perfectlyworded and that they, they are
(21:28):
putting the boundaries outsaying like, This is what we
want.
Like, we, we are putting outthere that we want people who
holds.
Whole heartedly support us.
Like even that wording of wholeheartedly.
There is no room for secretagendas.
Like what happened in that?
Earlier podcast episodementioned there's no room for
(21:48):
that.
Like, they are very clearlysaying you can either be 100%.
With us for this, or you cannotcome and that's fine, but like
these are the ground rules andthose are expectations.
And they're also just givingpeople an outright, like,
they're just saying.
If that's not, you just say no,and that's, it is what it is I
(22:10):
just, I love that.
So, so much.
And I truly think that morecouples should feel that they
can do.
Do that or do something similarto that because wow.
It just blew my mind, seeingsomething like that.
So that's your first option isto do something like that on
your invites on your weddingwebsites.
And you were that people aregonna receive communication from
(22:31):
you.
Another thing you can do is youcan have some rules such as
like.
Maybe you're only doingimmediate family.
Cause once you get out to theextended family, like.
I don't know if I'm making thisup, but this is a conversation
that I have with a lot of mycouples of like, yeah, our
family is great, but like, UncleBob.
(22:52):
He's a little out there can be alittle bit questionable, you
know?
Just because I think maybe.
They live farther away orthey're farther removed or have
less face-to-face time withthese people.
And that can just lead to some.
Interesting conversations thatyou may not want to have on your
wedding day.
Or you could also say like we'redoing immediate family.
And we're not allowing plus onesjust because.
(23:16):
Maybe those also feel a littlebit uncertain.
So just having some of thoserules, like whatever that might
be for you could just be a wayto eliminate some uncertainty.
And just make you feel betterabout like, we really know the
people coming and that makes usfeel good.
And kind of on that same note,you could also opt to just do
(23:36):
something really, really small.
I think I've spoken about thisin previous episodes, but I
think that's why.
Elopements often lend themselvesso well to.
Queer couples just because Ithink there are a lot of queer
couples who feel this pressureof like, Feeling the weight of
(23:56):
who to invite and feeling thescariness of trying to figure
out who to invite.
And so, eloping or doing a microwedding or something like that.
Is also a really, really goodoption and totally valid.
And.
It doesn't make the people whosupport you.
It doesn't have to invalidatetheir value in your life.
(24:18):
Right.
Like I know it can feel a littlebit hard.
And it's also okay.
For those people to havefeelings about not being
invited.
And still to let them know itdoesn't change.
Your importance to us.
But we're keeping it small ordoing just us because.
We're just not in a place todeal with all of the things that
(24:40):
come with inviting people andthat's okay.
And the last kind of option ortip that I will offer is.
You can also opt to do somethingthat sort of like a hybrid
wedding.
So whether that's.
You alone.
With just your person.
And have that really, reallysacred and special time link
doing your vows.
(25:01):
Having that time.
That's just the two of you.
And then maybe you come back andyou do a reception at a later
time.
With family and friends so thateven if something goes a little
wonky, At the reception with abigger group of people.
You kind of have that, thatmemory and that feeling of your
heart, of like, well, you know,this is a little.
(25:23):
Wonky and stressful, but like,I'm so glad that we had that
experience with just the two ofus.
A few months ago or whatever thecase might be.
That's something that I hear alot of couples talk about.
And they really, really enjoythat because then they always
have that like super, superspecial moment of just the two
of them or maybe the two of themand like two of their friends or
(25:44):
whatever.
And also kind of an alternativeoption of this is.
Like involving people in otheraspects of your wedding, but
maybe not your ceremony.
So maybe it's like pre-weddingevents like.
Showers or engagement partiesor, you know, dresser outfit
shopping, like.
(26:04):
Having people feel involved, butmaybe just not having them
there, like on your actual dayOr maybe if you don't want to do
like a ceremony and reception.
On two different days.
Like maybe you do private vowsand like a private ceremony, but
then, you know, you get to havea party with people later.
Whatever that might be sort ofpiecing together.
Things, however, feel best foryou.
(26:27):
I think that's a really, reallygreat way to.
Make sure that, that your safetyis so the top priority.
Right?
Cause I think that's how we cankind of wrap up this
conversation is really that thiscomes down to.
What's gonna make you feel safeand comfortable.
And what is going to just be themost joyful for you?
(26:50):
And I think that a really issuch an individualized
individualized thing forcouples.
And that's why you really needto work together as a team to
figure this out.
But.
I think generally.
Some of the things I justmentioned are things that you
can kind of tailor to workwithin.
What's going to feel best foryou.
(27:11):
I will say I will go ahead andtype out that little quote that
I wrote out from the invite incase anybody wants to use that.
Or a version of that.
For their invites.
That is all that I have for youall.
I hope.
That for those outside of thecommunity.
It just kind of give you someperspective onto the things that
(27:32):
we're thinking about.
And for those in the community,I hope that this.
Makes you feel seen andvalidated, but also gives you
some more tools to go forward asyou're planning.
And I as always would love tochat with you.
There is on Spotify.
If you're listening on Spotify,a little common box.
(27:52):
Please feel free to leave somecomments or maybe some things
that you did when you wereplanning your wedding, as far as
invites.
Or please feel free to comevisit me and say hello at wildly
connected photo on Instagram.
You are all amazing, beautifulhumans.
And I can't wait to see you onthe next episode.
Weirdly beloved.
Welcome back to this week'sepisode at my name is Ana.
I use.
She her pronouns and I am theowner and a photographer at
wildly connected photo.
I have been doing podcasts forabout a year and a half now.
And we talk about all thingsrelated to queer weddings, just
(00:22):
in case there's anyone newhopping in here today.
So, Also for context.
And for those, if you don'tknow.
I am gay.
Just, just so you know but no,I'm, I'm very this episode is
going to be super, superimportant, but before we dive
into it I just wanted to say,wow, I shot my first elopement
(00:42):
of the year.
Almost a month ago now at thispoint.
And it was so magical.
I also shot my first ever Mondaywedding this week and also so
magical and beautiful.
And wow.
Just sharing that the season hasstarted.
It's going to be in full swinghere.
(01:04):
Also pride month is coming uparound the corner.
So I hope all of my fellow gayshere are getting pumped.
If you are local, I will behaving a booth at the twin
cities pride again this year.
And I cannot wait to see all ofyour lovely faces.
And take some photos of thoselovely faces as well.
(01:27):
So, Yeah, I just wanted to bebetter about connecting with
y'all and sharing a little bitabout what's going on around
here before the episodes.
So.
That's my life and because I'mbad at transitions in real life,
we're just going to be.
(01:47):
Bad at transitions here for asecond.
But now this week's episode isincredibly important.
It's one that I've been thinkingabout since the start of this
podcast, but.
Something that I feel is really,really important.
And so just wanting to make surethat.
I felt.
Fully prepared to talk aboutthis topic.
(02:08):
But it recently.
Came up again in my life.
In a very interesting way, we'llsay.
And so.
I've been thinking about it forthe past.
Month or month and a half.
And now here we are withepisode, which we're talking
about inviting guests to yourwedding.
(02:30):
Ooh.
This is, this is a, this is abig, big topic.
And I think that some of youmight've even had reactions to
just the topic.
When I said it, but.
Truly, if you were to like, dosome research, which I'm
actually going to link somearticles in the show notes
(02:50):
below, if you are interested.
Like both from articles as wellas just looking online at what
people are saying.
One of the number one, moststressful things for couple when
planning their wedding.
Is there guest list.
Okay.
So first of all, like even justthe task of like making a list
(03:14):
or a spreadsheet.
With names.
And then on top of that, havingto hunt down people's phone
numbers, emails, and actualphysical addresses.
Like that itself.
So much work.
So time consuming.
Even in a very digital age, likethat's a lot of work.
But on top of that, couples haveto have these discussions about
(03:37):
who to invite.
Who's not invited.
And then that opens a whole canof worms of like, well, if this
person's invited, then we haveto invite this person, but we
don't want to invite thisperson.
Or if we can't invite thisperson or don't want to, how do
we talk to that person aboutthat?
Right.
Like there's so many things.
That come with this conversationand you also have to be mindful
(04:00):
of budget and like your venuecapacity and do people get plus
ones, right?
It's just, it's a whole thing.
Okay.
So I'm saying that to paint apicture of right, like.
This is already a very immenselystraight thing.
So what, oh my gosh.
This is ours.
A very immensely, immenselystressful thing.
(04:24):
But even in looking at thesearticles and kind of reading,
like what folks are sayingonline and on Reddit and
whatnot, like typically.
It's straight couples that we'rethinking of when talking about
that, right.
Because that's sort of stilljust the wedding industry and.
It's a lot of couples.
So I say that because you takethat.
(04:47):
You take this thing that isalready immensely stressful.
Opens up so much.
Can even sometimes lead to likearguments or like.
You know, just all of thethings.
And then you, you.
You just, you just sprinkle in.
Being gay on top of that.
On top of that.
(05:08):
Can you imagine?
Because on its own.
Queer couples often face somany.
Like sad, hateful things from.
Their relationships in variouscapacities, like in their
day-to-day life, I'm saying, butthen on top of that, a wedding,
which actually requires peopleto be in attendance, a K like
(05:30):
requires people to show theirtrue colors and say how they
really feel like.
That's so much.
And.
Queer couples when it comes totheir weddings, they're often
facing.
You know, negative comments andpeople saying things or not
wanting to show up from, youknow, anywhere from their
(05:52):
immediate family or a lot oftimes it really does.
End up being the extended familyand friends and coworkers.
And so.
You add that on top of this taskthat is already immensely
daunting.
And immensely stressful and hasa lot of emotions.
And then you add.
(06:13):
That whole dynamic on top.
Like it's a lot.
It's a lot.
And so we're here to talk aboutthat today.
So.
The reason that this came upagain.
In my life recently is becauseas many of you know, my past is
quite tied to the Christianfaith.
(06:35):
No longer, however, there arestill some of those old ties
there.
And so.
A few.
Yeah.
Maybe like.
Six to eight weeks ago.
I.
Was on my personal Instagram.
You know, just unwinding for theday.
And saw that someone from mypast whom shall rename.
(06:57):
Remain anonymous.
Had shared something to theirstory.
About.
Jackie hill Perry.
I can't even say her namewithout laughing.
If you know, you know, and ifyou don't know, Jackie ho Perry
is the author of gay girl.
(07:18):
Good God.
So just let that sink in.
I have been sent that book manytimes.
In my life.
And it is pretty much.
Probably exactly what you areimagining.
She talks about her experiencebeing a former.
Yes.
You heard me right.
Former lesbian.
(07:39):
Who then found God repented.
From her quote same-sexattraction since.
And.
Is now not a lesbian and ismarried to a man and has
children.
So that's the premise of thebook.
Aye.
Could have a whole separatepodcast about that, honestly.
(08:00):
The damage that she does.
Is just, it's frightening.
Honestly, she has a very largefollowing and is just teaching.
Such harmful rhetoric.
Right.
And even again, you know, thatmy goal here is to not.
Comment or come at people'sreligious beliefs.
(08:23):
However, I will say that.
This is incredibly harmfulbecause I do know that there are
a lot of faiths and religionsthat are accepting and that
there are specific.
Denominations and certain groupswithin Christianity that are
affirming.
(08:43):
I am aware of that and that's,and that's great.
But the reason that her rhetoricis so harmful.
As, because it just furthersthat divide of.
She is actively telling people.
And specifically, mostlyChristians who may be kind of on
the fence.
(09:03):
That she's saying no, no, no,no.
Like, don't worry.
You know, the gays, the gays canbe converted and, and I'm here
to tell you that was my exactexperience.
And so if it can happen for me,then it should happen for
everyone else.
So I will stop talking aboutthat now, before I get too
heated.
But.
That's just a little bit ofcontext into who she is and the
(09:24):
kinds of things that she talksabout.
And so she actually now has apodcast.
I don't know if every singleepisode is with her husband or
not, but I think a lot of themare.
Yeah, actually, I think thatmost of them are.
So anyways, She recentlyreleased a podcast episode.
And the title is something tothe effect of.
(09:46):
Would I attend a gay wedding.
I'm not going to link it oranything because I'm not trying
to give her any backlinks ortype of support.
And also I think.
Honestly that no one shouldlisten to it because I did.
And it was immensely painful.
Which was on me.
That was me.
So this person from my pastshared the, the episode and
(10:10):
basically said that it wasincredibly convicting and, you
know, some good reminders thatthey needed to be reminded of.
So naturally I see this and I'mlike, all right, I need to know.
I need to know what's happeningin the world.
What's going out there.
Cause like I said, Jackie hillPerry has a large following.
Like she is huge on Tik TOK andInstagram.
And so I just really wanted toknow.
(10:33):
Not a good idea would notrecommend the episode is like an
hour and a half long.
And it was really, reallypainful.
Like.
Truly, honestly, it was verypainful to listen to.
And again, that was on me.
But highly do not recommendlistening.
To sum it up.
She and her husband kind of goback and forth for awhile and.
(10:56):
At first, the husband says thathe can't because he doesn't want
to accidentally show any kind ofsupport.
Right.
Like, he talks about how.
And his mind, you know, if hewas invited.
He would maybe consider going ifhe could have a conversation
with the couple to basically belike, yeah, I might come, but
like just seeing, you know,like, I'm going to be very vocal
(11:18):
there about how you do notsupport us, which I'm like, Ooh,
okay.
Gross.
Who would, who would invite youthen?
So he kind of starts out thereand then Jackie hill Perry is
basically saying.
No, I wouldn't go.
And she.
Because I'm trying very hard notto laugh because this is just
ridiculous.
She actually.
(11:40):
Compares.
Attending a gay wedding toslavery.
And, and also for those of youwho don't know, Jackie hill
Perry, Jackie hill is a woman ofcolor.
And she is herself comparing,going to a gay wedding to
slavery.
I about lost my mind when shesaid that.
(12:01):
And again, just for context, forthose who don't understand,
she's basically saying it'sbecause the couple is a slave to
their sand.
That's like a common biblicalphrase.
And so she is saying, I don'twant to support slavery and
therefore I will not go.
And then.
Just before you think it can'tget any worse.
(12:22):
Towards the end of the episode,her husband.
Basically stops everything.
He's like, wait, wait, wait,wait, wait.
Like I'm getting, I'm getting aword from the Lord.
Like.
The Lord is actively speaking tome.
And he basically says actually,like, I'm changing my answer.
I would go to a gay weddingbecause I think it's my mission
(12:42):
to go there.
And spread the gospel.
And like be good influence andchange people's minds is
basically what you saying.
Yep.
This is like, this is, this istruth.
Like this is, this is 100% realand like, It is reflective of a
lot of churches.
Around the world.
(13:03):
And so I share that because.
Yeah, it is reality.
And I think we all just need tolet that sink in a little bit.
Where.
Again, I will always say, likewe have come so far in so many
ways and I think we have a lotto be grateful for.
And also like, this is still thereality of the world that we
(13:23):
live in.
I really just wanted to bringthat up.
To just say that.
Fewer outside of the community.
Like, I really want you toextra, let this sink in just to
understand like where we as acommunity are coming from.
When we're thinking about thisaspect of our wedding.
And for the couples from theLGBTQ community listening, like.
(13:47):
If any of this has resonatedwith you.
Or if this has been yourexperience and I'm truly so
sorry.
It really, really sucks thatthis has to be.
Such a big part of ourexperience still.
I just think it's so importantto be real and to let people
know what this is like.
And as I said earlier, like, Theactive, inviting people to your
(14:10):
wedding is already immenselystressful, but then add all of
this.
These hard realities of what weas queer folks have to deal with
on top of.
And it.
Yeah, it's just a lot.
So.
Moving on from that.
That very hard.
Topic.
I actually shortly after like,I'm listening to that podcast.
(14:32):
I did see some other sort ofcreators on Tik TOK and things
like stitching it and respondingto it.
And one tick tock creator.
Their name is Chris.
I will link the, their handle inthe show notes.
Kind of response to Jackie hillPerry and like basically says
how like, yeah, just all of it'sharmful and that.
Yeah, I'll only get in the shownotes.
(14:54):
But one thing that I did reallyappreciate was that this creator
said.
Like at the end of the video.
We're like just email me andlike I'll show up at your
wedding.
Like.
Me and my crew, we will show upat your wedding and we will be
there for you.
If you don't have family.
And so many people in thecomments were bringing up this
idea of.
(15:14):
Stand and family.
And there's groups like that onFacebook, on tech talk.
And I'm also going to link onethat I found on Facebook that is
called, like it is called Stanand family international or
something like that.
We're basically like people.
We'll just like, come up to yourwedding and be there for you and
be friendly faces.
If you need some extra support,like if you were like, My family
(15:38):
is not cool with this andthey're not going to be there.
And I really don't want to be alot on my wedding.
Like those groups do exist and Ijust think that is the coolest.
Sweetest thing.
And also again, for those whoare listening or maybe.
Not from the community or justhave a different lived
experience.
Like this is also a reality too.
And I think that a lot of thistoo, can be really dependent.
(15:59):
On where the couple is, right?
Like, I, I hear this a lotabout.
Atlanta and Georgia and, andareas in the south.
Of course not.
Not everyone everywhere.
I'm not making a blanketstatement, but I am saying that
sometimes.
Certain geographical areas orlike if you're in the Bible
belt, like.
It's just sort of a naturalthing that happens with being in
(16:22):
those.
Those areas where people justmight have a lot harder time.
But obviously you can, you canhave that experience anywhere.
So if anyone here.
Need some support.
Definitely look in those groups.
Also feel free to message me.
I'll I'll make it work.
If, if I can.
So yeah, I think I really justfelt like we needed to set the
(16:44):
stage here.
For this conversation like.
Just acknowledging therealities, right?
Like.
Of course, this can also be likea super joyful and affirming
experience, like thinking about.
All of the lovely, amazinghumans in your life that you're
really excited to spend the daywith and to celebrate.
Like, of course there is thataspect to.
(17:07):
And I want that for everyone,but also we just need to
acknowledge that that is noteveryone's experience.
And so for those of you who arelistening, who.
Maybe are struggling a littlebit with this.
We're going to go ahead and talkabout just some tips for
inviting or not inviting gueststo your wedding.
(17:28):
And for those of you who areallies or outside of the
community, I still encourage youto listen in to take notes so
that.
You can pass these along tocouples.
Especially if you are acoordinator or are a vendor that
helps people early on, like,this is super helpful for just
being able to offer somesuggestions to couples.
(17:49):
So.
I think that the very, veryfirst thing that couples need to
do is discuss.
With your partner, what yourboundaries are as far as your
wedding day wedding days are so,so special.
And they're so important.
And of course, I think we'd liketo live by the idea of like it's
about the, the marriage and notjust the one day wedding.
(18:13):
But still like weddings are sosacred and they're so special
and so important.
And it's up to you as a coupleto decide what your, what kind
of energy you're going to allowinto that.
And watch you're not I've haddiscussions with.
Many couples over the year, overthe years who have really
different approaches to that.
(18:34):
And I think that is reallybeautiful.
Some couples.
R like, you know what.
This is our day and we reallydon't want to have any bad vibes
or anyone with any judgment orsecret agendas, anything like
that in our day, like, We justwanted to feel super safe and
super good.
Great amazing.
(18:55):
And there are some couples whotruly are like, you know what.
I know that my aunt or.
Grandma or grandpa or.
Uncle on my dad's side orwhomever.
It doesn't actually reallysupport this.
But.
You know, They may say somethinglike, but.
(19:17):
He's still my uncle and I stillwant him there and that's valid
or they may say.
You know, my friend, yourcoworker.
Isn't super supportive, but I.
Kind of want to be that personfor them to like show them that
we are a super like normalcouple and that our wedding is
going to be normal and like fullof love.
And we're okay with being those,those people for these people.
(19:41):
And that's, that's super validtoo.
Like I think you really justneed to have a conversation with
your partner about.
Where to draw your boundaries.
And I think that in thatconversation, it's really,
really important for each of youto figure out what taking care
of looks like for you.
On that day, like, Do you needto have some planned breaks
(20:02):
throughout your day to just likestep away.
And just be with your person.
Do you need to have a plan with.
A trusted friend or familymember, or maybe with your
coordinator of like what to dowith things start to go south or
people make weird comments aboutsomething like.
Just make sure that's part ofyour car, your conversation as
(20:24):
well.
So after that, you can kind oftalk about like, Practically
how, how inviting guests will gofor your wedding.
My all time favorite.
Is from some dear friends ofmine, which if you happen to be
listening, You'll know who youare and I appreciate you so, so
much.
(20:45):
They did this for their weddingand it was honestly.
Like I've been photographingqueer couples for quite a while
and had not seen this yet untilI saw their invite.
Which says with love and pride.
This is an LGBTQ plus inclusiveevent.
We request.
That those who will notwholeheartedly support our
(21:05):
marriage.
Please RSVP no to our wedding.
Mike drop.
Like, I truly feel that I couldend the episode right there, or
that, that phrase could just bethat, that could be the episode
right there.
It just is so it's so perfectlyworded and that they, they are
(21:28):
putting the boundaries outsaying like, This is what we
want.
Like, we, we are putting outthere that we want people who
holds.
Whole heartedly support us.
Like even that wording of wholeheartedly.
There is no room for secretagendas.
Like what happened in that?
Earlier podcast episodementioned there's no room for
(21:48):
that.
Like, they are very clearlysaying you can either be 100%.
With us for this, or you cannotcome and that's fine, but like
these are the ground rules andthose are expectations.
And they're also just givingpeople an outright, like,
they're just saying.
If that's not, you just say no,and that's, it is what it is I
(22:10):
just, I love that.
So, so much.
And I truly think that morecouples should feel that they
can do.
Do that or do something similarto that because wow.
It just blew my mind, seeingsomething like that.
So that's your first option isto do something like that on
your invites on your weddingwebsites.
And you were that people aregonna receive communication from
(22:31):
you.
Another thing you can do is youcan have some rules such as
like.
Maybe you're only doingimmediate family.
Cause once you get out to theextended family, like.
I don't know if I'm making thisup, but this is a conversation
that I have with a lot of mycouples of like, yeah, our
family is great, but like, UncleBob.
(22:52):
He's a little out there can be alittle bit questionable, you
know?
Just because I think maybe.
They live farther away orthey're farther removed or have
less face-to-face time withthese people.
And that can just lead to some.
Interesting conversations thatyou may not want to have on your
wedding day.
Or you could also say like we'redoing immediate family.
And we're not allowing plus onesjust because.
(23:16):
Maybe those also feel a littlebit uncertain.
So just having some of thoserules, like whatever that might
be for you could just be a wayto eliminate some uncertainty.
And just make you feel betterabout like, we really know the
people coming and that makes usfeel good.
And kind of on that same note,you could also opt to just do
(23:36):
something really, really small.
I think I've spoken about thisin previous episodes, but I
think that's why.
Elopements often lend themselvesso well to.
Queer couples just because Ithink there are a lot of queer
couples who feel this pressureof like, Feeling the weight of
(23:56):
who to invite and feeling thescariness of trying to figure
out who to invite.
And so, eloping or doing a microwedding or something like that.
Is also a really, really goodoption and totally valid.
And.
It doesn't make the people whosupport you.
It doesn't have to invalidatetheir value in your life.
(24:18):
Right.
Like I know it can feel a littlebit hard.
And it's also okay.
For those people to havefeelings about not being
invited.
And still to let them know itdoesn't change.
Your importance to us.
But we're keeping it small ordoing just us because.
We're just not in a place todeal with all of the things that
(24:40):
come with inviting people andthat's okay.
And the last kind of option ortip that I will offer is.
You can also opt to do somethingthat sort of like a hybrid
wedding.
So whether that's.
You alone.
With just your person.
And have that really, reallysacred and special time link
doing your vows.
(25:01):
Having that time.
That's just the two of you.
And then maybe you come back andyou do a reception at a later
time.
With family and friends so thateven if something goes a little
wonky, At the reception with abigger group of people.
You kind of have that, thatmemory and that feeling of your
heart, of like, well, you know,this is a little.
(25:23):
Wonky and stressful, but like,I'm so glad that we had that
experience with just the two ofus.
A few months ago or whatever thecase might be.
That's something that I hear alot of couples talk about.
And they really, really enjoythat because then they always
have that like super, superspecial moment of just the two
of them or maybe the two of themand like two of their friends or
(25:44):
whatever.
And also kind of an alternativeoption of this is.
Like involving people in otheraspects of your wedding, but
maybe not your ceremony.
So maybe it's like pre-weddingevents like.
Showers or engagement partiesor, you know, dresser outfit
shopping, like.
(26:04):
Having people feel involved, butmaybe just not having them
there, like on your actual dayOr maybe if you don't want to do
like a ceremony and reception.
On two different days.
Like maybe you do private vowsand like a private ceremony, but
then, you know, you get to havea party with people later.
Whatever that might be sort ofpiecing together.
Things, however, feel best foryou.
(26:27):
I think that's a really, reallygreat way to.
Make sure that, that your safetyis so the top priority.
Right?
Cause I think that's how we cankind of wrap up this
conversation is really that thiscomes down to.
What's gonna make you feel safeand comfortable.
And what is going to just be themost joyful for you?
(26:50):
And I think that a really issuch an individualized
individualized thing forcouples.
And that's why you really needto work together as a team to
figure this out.
But.
I think generally.
Some of the things I justmentioned are things that you
can kind of tailor to workwithin.
What's going to feel best foryou.
(27:11):
I will say I will go ahead andtype out that little quote that
I wrote out from the invite incase anybody wants to use that.
Or a version of that.
For their invites.
That is all that I have for youall.
I hope.
That for those outside of thecommunity.
It just kind of give you someperspective onto the things that
(27:32):
we're thinking about.
And for those in the community,I hope that this.
Makes you feel seen andvalidated, but also gives you
some more tools to go forward asyou're planning.
And I as always would love tochat with you.
There is on Spotify.
If you're listening on Spotify,a little common box.
(27:52):
Please feel free to leave somecomments or maybe some things
that you did when you wereplanning your wedding, as far as
invites.
Or please feel free to comevisit me and say hello at wildly
connected photo on Instagram.
You are all amazing, beautifulhumans.
And I can't wait to see you onthe next episode.
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