April 9, 2025 • 25 mins
You'll have to listen all the way to see why I named it this ;)
Thank you to all for submitting your answers and for fighting to keep this a right for a long time to come.
As mentioned, here are some resources for folks to help find lawyers to protect yourselves and your partners, with or without a wedding:
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Micr (00:00):
We beloved, welcome.
(00:02):
Welcome.
If you are new here, this is thepodcast for all things queer
weddings and beyond.
And I'm your host Anna.
I use she her pronouns, and I amthe owner of Wildly Connected
Photography.
And I'm so excited to be backwith you all today.
I know it's been a little bit ofa minute.
So thanks for your patience.
(00:23):
With the break, I was travelingin Ireland, photographing some
elopements and checking it outand meeting people and hanging
out with my fiance, and it was,it was just so good.
For those of you who don't knowthough I've talked about it
enough times that it's probablyannoying.
I'm also planning my own weddingand elopement for this year and.
(00:49):
I'm so excited about that.
But as I'm sure you know, uh, ifyou are also planning your own
celebration, it can be, it canbe a lot and take up a lot of
mental space.
And it's also just kind of aweird time to be doing so, so
just wanted to give you all someupdates and kind of check in
(01:10):
with you all.
But I'm, I'm really excited forthis week's episode.
And yeah, I also just wanted tosay you might be.
Noticing some new things aroundthe podcast.
And yeah, I just, I really wantthis podcast to keep growing and
I will always find ways andavenues to talk about queer
(01:32):
weddings.
'cause I think that's soimportant and so not talked
about enough.
But also as I'm growing andchanging and evolving, I want to
also find ways to talk aboutthings that are relevant to the
community.
Whether that be things that arebringing joy or things that help
inform us, yeah, I just, Ireally want this to keep growing
(01:54):
and yeah, just to, notnecessarily to give myself a
huge pat on the back oranything, but most podcasts
usually record somewhere betweenthree to 20 episodes before they
die, and that's no shade.
But I'm currently recordingepisode 58 and.
(02:14):
You know, this podcast is farfrom perfect, but I am so glad
to have it and it's been so funto see it grow over the years,
and I just, I wanted to keepdoing that.
And I guess I'm just saying thatI'm in it for the long haul with
a U-Haul.
Sorry, not sorry.
Okay.
And so on that note ofcontinuing to grow and change
(02:37):
and evolve, I am introducing anew segment into the podcast,
and it's gonna be super fun, butstill informative.
And so get ready.
The new segment is called NoHomo, except for that, obviously
(02:58):
I know I'm, I'm doing thisvisually, but it's no, as in
KNO, like.
The more you know but no homo.
And I thought this would just bea super fun way to kick off each
new episode.
And honestly I think this stemsfrom the fact that sometimes I
still feel so like I'm a babygay sometimes.
(03:23):
I know there's some controversyeven with that term.
But yeah, I just, I feel like.
The more that I'm in community,like the more I learn and I'm
like, wait, do other people knowthis?
And so it's gonna be a super funtime to learn some vocabulary,
learn some new topics.
Maybe it's a news thing thatjust happened.
(03:45):
So if you have anything that youwould like to discuss for the.
No homo section of the podcast.
Feel free to email me or DM me.
Always looking to expand myknowledge of the queer community
and I.
I would also like to say that itwon't be all fun in games.
There will be times too when I'msharing informational things or
(04:07):
things that might just benefitthe community.
So with that in mind, are youready this week on No, homo.
The word is Twan.
A twink is a more muscularversion of a twink.
While a twink is a label orstereotype that refers to a
young hairless thin gay man intheir early TW twenties, T twink
(04:30):
describes a more toned, chiseledversion of that.
Both terms are popularist by gaymen and have since extended to
other parts of the LBTQ.
Community.
Wow.
Thanks Wiki.
How, and also, shout out to myfriend Jack for informing me and
inspiring me to.
Also realize sometimes that Ifeel like I know nothing.
(04:53):
So there you go.
Is is the word of the weak?
If you're looking for a visualreference, I saw some people on
the interweb saying that JustinBieber could potentially be an
example if you were queer.
Also if you are familiar withthe show, heart Stoppers, some
people were kind of using, nickas an example.
(05:15):
So if you're a visual person,there you go.
So thank you so much for joiningme on No Homo this week, but
also, yes, homo.
Alright, let's dive into theepisode.
So this week I really wanted todiscuss the importance of gay
(05:36):
marriage and, and the weightthat it holds.
The way that it's always held,even before its existence but
also in today's climate.
And before I dive too, too farin, I also wanna call out that
whether or not a queer coupledecides to get married, that
does not make their relationshipany less valid, any less
(05:56):
special, or hold any lessweight.
It's not always been an option,first of all.
So we have to recognize that andrecognize that not every couple
had the chance to do so, or itjust doesn't feel right for
every couple.
And so, I'll talk about this alittle bit more later on, but I
just wanna say that we aretalking about queer weddings and
(06:20):
of course that's the theme of mypodcast, but.
That doesn't mean that it's theend all be all or has to be for
everybody.
And yeah, just also taking asecond to recognize that what
hasn't always been an optionit's it's really amazing that we
do get to talk about it and atleast for the moment that it's
(06:41):
an option to us.
So, yeah, kind of recognizingboth of that.
And it's also worth rememberingthat national marriage equality
has only been legal since 2015.
Like it's barely been a decade,and there are lawmakers who've
made it clear that they want toroll that back.
So, the reason I kinda wannatalk about this week is I think
(07:02):
it's just so hopeful to hearfrom the community just how much
it means to us.
And also I think just havingthis episode existing in the
world when there are people whodon't understand why we are
starting to feel.
You know, hesitancy or feelscared or people who just still
(07:23):
don't understand why we care somuch about it or how this
affects us.
So I think it's, it's reallyimportant on both sides.
And so let's just dive in.
I asked you all on my Instagramto share your own personal
thoughts on.
What having gay marriage meantto you or what it felt like, and
(07:46):
so many of you wrote in, and I'mso, so grateful for that.
It was, it was really, reallycool to be able to read all of
your responses and so I won't beable to read all of them, but I
do want to read some of them.
So thank you again.
All right.
Here we go.
First one is showing youngerqueer people that it is possible
(08:08):
to have a love that isn'tdefined by heteronormativity.
Heck, yes, absolutelyrepresentation matters.
Another one of you wrote, I feellike marriage is something I've
just always looked at and wantedto be a part of.
One day, having parents thatwere divorced since basically my
birth, I've always been alovesick and hopeless or
romantic, hoping one day I'dmeet my person and be able to
(08:30):
marry them and we would livehappily ever after.
So for love and life, of course,but also for the security of
being safe and recognized aspartners for life in an
emergency and in any situationwhere things might be
questioned.
It is a huge reason and is soimportant.
I'm getting married in June ofthis year, and as much as I have
loved the journey of beingengaged, I can't help but wonder
(08:53):
what we're against here with thestate of the government and
president.
I can't wait for our wedding dayfor the main reason that we'll
be recognized by law in thestate and as a couple, and that
alone will be a huge sigh ofrelief in my life.
100% to the person who wrotethis in like recognizing the
duality of like, yes, of courseI love my person and I'm excited
(09:14):
about that, but it's also likeholds all of these important
aspects.
And also just recognizing likeas a little kid, you know,
seeing this thing that seeminglyeverybody older than you is
doing, but maybe it looks likesomething different than you're
picturing.
And so.
Getting to do that with theperson that feels right for you
(09:38):
and isn't defined byheteronormativity as the person
before said is, is amazing.
All right.
Another one says security, butalso equality.
I love just as deeply and withas much passion as straight
couples.
My love is not less than justbecause I love a woman versus a
man.
Yes, say it louder for thepeople in the back.
(10:00):
So true.
You all are so amazing.
All right, another one says,legally it's helped so much with
saving money by combiningfinances and having peace of
mind about medical emergenciesand other emergencies.
Romantically, it's about makinga choice to be with someone.
I feel this funny tension withqueer marriage where I'm both
proving that our love is likeeveryone else's and also totally
(10:22):
unique and different.
Okay.
Yes.
So much thank you to this personfor like putting very succinctly
and eloquently what I feel likeI've spent an entire podcast on
trying to explain of just thislike.
Even now when we're talkingabout it, it's like, yeah, we
want what everybody else has,but also we like see how this is
(10:45):
so unique and different.
So thank you so much.
That is, that is so accurate.
Alright.
One of you wrote the feeling ofThat's my family.
I don't know how to explain itjust feels like a hug knowing
we're all in.
Yes, absolutely.
Many of you wrote in thingsabout medical security and just.
How safe that feels knowing thatyou have the ability to make
(11:09):
decisions if one of you isn'table to.
So lots of shout outs to medicalsecurity.
One of you wrote TVHA big middlefinger to the patriarchy.
Oh, you have an institutiondesigned to favor hetero men
jokes on you.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
(11:29):
We have another representationand hope for the younger queers.
We deserve love just as much asthe hetero couples.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And then someone else wrote infreedom, security benefits
children and sharing parentslegally safety and rights also
protection from family andothers.
(11:51):
If she dies, they can't take myhome from out, from me.
So, lots of reoccurring themesthere, but also so important,
and thank you all so much forsharing that with us.
You all are beautiful writersand say things so well and I, I
couldn't agree with you all moreso, because you all were so
(12:13):
brave and shared your generouswords and time.
I also kind of just wanted totake.
A quick second to share whatthis means to me personally.
So to be honest, I used to likefear the concept of marriage.
Like I was so scared of it.
I, I, I remember havingconversations with my closest
(12:35):
friend in high school like manytimes, like, you know, when we
would call each other afterschool, having these
conversations of like.
I like, I just, I can't evenimagine, like I'm, I'm so scared
to think about my wedding and tothink about how I'm gonna have
to marry this man.
And the same day that I marryhim is also the same day that we
(12:59):
move in together.
And it is also the same day thatwe're having sex for the first
time, like.
That's just, I mean, that's howI was raised was that you have
to marry a man, but you're alsonot allowed to live together and
you're not allowed to have sexbefore you get married.
And I know many of you are nostrangers to that concept, but
like I was terrified and likethinking about it now, like I
(13:21):
would still be terrified.
That sounds terrifying.
Like, I mean, yes men gross, butalso like just all of that like.
Oh, it just, it, I, talking toso many of like my female
classmates, like, they were soexcited and, you know, like
(13:41):
making lists about like whattheir future husband was gonna
be like and having lists for alltheir baby names when we were
like 15.
And like, I just, I could neverrelate because I was truly
terrified.
Like, I feel like it kept meawake at night.
So.
Anyways, a little tangent there.
But I think going from somethingthat felt truly, truly dreadful
(14:07):
to me because I could never seemyself doing it, and because at
the time I was like, my onlyoption is to marry a man, and
that is not only my only option,but it's like truly what's
expected of me, like thecommunity and how I was raised.
Like even being single wasn'treally an option.
(14:27):
Like it was my only option tofind a man, to marry him and to
have many children.
And so to come from that and tonow have found my now fiance
where I've been able to feelthings I never knew were
possible.
I just like it means so much.
(14:50):
And.
I've said this before, but trulyand honestly, coming out and
getting to live the way that Ido now has, has saved my life in
so many ways.
Even just knowing like thepossibilities and expanding my
understanding for what love feltlike and can feel life.
(15:12):
It has made my life just feelmore safe and hopeful and
joyful.
I.
And so even beyond the feelingsand the love side of things I am
marrying someone who has her ownset of complex health issues.
And I, I never want to be leftout of a hospital room for her
(15:33):
or have no say in each other'swellbeing.
Yeah, I'd say that in combinedwith, with how being able to
marry her makes me feel safe andloved and like I've never felt
before.
Alongside the rights and safetyit grants us and, and just also
being able to do the same thingthat everyone else does.
(15:54):
It, it feels pretty important.
So, I feel like that's even justlike us, the liver of what it
means to me.
Like, I don't know if I couldfully say how much it does mean
to me.
So yeah.
I also just wanted to say thatit is so much about love and
obviously we've already saidthat it's so much about
healthcare, but it's also, youknow, can mean immigration for
(16:17):
some people.
Taxes, and also for people likequeer folks of color, disabled
folks, trans folks like marriagecan mean life-saving protections
in some cases.
So really wanting to acknowledgethat it can affect different
communities differently, butalso.
Going back to my point earlieron in podcast marriage is not
(16:41):
for everybody and that is great,and it's not the end all be all.
And I also just want to makesure that we say too, that I.
It's definitely a weird time,but I hope that nobody is
rushing into a marriage thatthey are not fully ready for and
could have repercussions later.
(17:03):
Just because you have fears ofthese things changing.
I'm obviously, obviously not alegal, legal professional or
understand, everything legally.
But I do know that there aremany ways to protect yourself
and your partner as a couplewithout getting married.
And there are ways to even dothat further once you're
married.
(17:24):
So I really, really encourageyou to wherever you live look
at.
Look at the laws and understandwhat options are available to
you outside of marriage and finda local lawyer and start
planning with'em.
Also financial planners and findways to protect yourselves that
are even outside of marriage.
(17:45):
And less things like.
Completely, completely,completely go down the drain.
There are ways to be able tohave access to medical decisions
and things like that outside ofmarriage.
Obviously take everything I saywith a grain of salt, but I.
I will link a website in theshow notes that has a list of
(18:08):
trusted lawyers that you canreach out to and talk to about
your specific concerns andneeds.
So look out for that if you sochoose.
Before I totally wrap up, I, Ialso just kind of wanted to
address, you know, we'veobviously just discussed like
this means a lot to us for somany reasons.
(18:29):
And I think even for those folkswho don't necessarily see
themselves, you know, beingqueer and having a, a queer
marriage, like having queermarriage taken away says a lot
and is not something that theywould want, and that bears a lot
(18:50):
of weight.
I.
And I, I think that it wouldn'tbe a complete episode without
talking about, I feel likethere's this, there's this
strange camp of people who arelike, just weirdly, like, I'm
not really opposed to gaypeople, but also like, can't
marriage just be between a manand a woman?
You know?
(19:10):
Like you guys can still betogether, but like.
You know, just let the straitshave the marriage.
You know, like, I don'tunderstand, like it's just a
piece of paper, you know?
So like, I, like, I don't, Ifeel like some of you know what
I'm talking about, right?
Like there are these weirdos whoare living in this like weird
(19:31):
in-between and like, well, no,like I have a gay best friend.
But also like, why do you haveto have marriage?
Like what, you know, calm downand sign.
And so like.
To a degree.
I'm like, yes, as we've beensaying, like our love goes
beyond marriage.
And to be clear, if gay marriagegets taken away, like you can't
(19:52):
take our love from us, you can'ttake our identities from us.
Like, those are things that youwill never be able to strip
away.
And so in that sense.
Sure Karen, but like on acompletely different degree, you
are wrong.
And it is so important and itdoes hold a lot of weight.
Like, okay, hear me out.
(20:12):
Can you imagine someone saying,okay, like.
All of these kids, they'reallowed to have chocolate cake
for dessert because they arethis way and considered more
normal.
But these kids over here thatare, you know, they're a little
different.
They get to have bananas fordessert.
Don't get me wrong.
(20:33):
Like bananas are great and onecan make due.
There's lots of nice dessertsyou can make with bananas, but
having to go your whole life,never being able to have
chocolate cake because you'redeemed different would be pretty
annoying.
Right.
Also chocolate actually has alot of benefits when used
(20:54):
appropriately.
One of the benefits beinghappiness.
So, you know, yeah, so basicallysaying you don't need the paper
while straight people haveunquestioned access to it is
like telling someone in aburning house that oxygen is
that important.
(21:15):
It might not matter to you, butit is a lot to us.
So yeah, I, I just, I wanted tomake sure that that was
discussed because.
I feel like there's been thisuprise too, and you know, more
people being like, oh, why doyou have to make it your whole
identity?
And like, it's not even likegoing anywhere.
Like, I don't know what youmean.
(21:35):
While all of these things arevery actively happening in the
world.
So anyway, Karen, hope you'relistening.
So yeah, I, this, our, our loveand our marriage and our rights
are, are powerful and they meanso much.
And I hope that this episode canboth serve as an affirmation to
(21:55):
the queer folks listening thatyou're so valid for feeling
this, for wanting this, for notwanting this to go away for
wanting the same things aseverybody else for wanting those
rights and.
Even just being able to saylike, this is what I wanted
growing up and now I get to doit.
(22:16):
And that's amazing.
Like I, I hope you feel affirmedknowing that It is, it is so
valid and it is something thatwe should always be able to have
and something we should neverhave to question if it goes
away.
And if you're someone who'snever really thought about this,
thank you for listening.
I hope this gives you a reasonto think a little differently
(22:37):
next time this topic comes up ata family dinner or in your
voting booth.
But I also, yeah, I just hopethat this episode can live as a
resource for those who, whohaven't listened and.
Just get people to think alittle bit differently about
truly how much weight that thisholds and how much our community
(22:59):
values this.
So I will leave you all withthis.
If you're queer, what doesmarriage mean to you and how do
you hope that our community ofboth us, ourselves, and our
alleys show up for it?
And if you're not.
How might it feel if your lovehad to be explained, debated, or
(23:21):
limited by the law?
So quarterly.
Beloved, thank you so much forlistening in.
I hope that you will come backnext week, uh, for another
rendition of No Homo and ofcourse another episode, and I
hope you all have an amazingday.
We beloved, welcome.
(00:02):
Welcome.
If you are new here, this is thepodcast for all things queer
weddings and beyond.
And I'm your host Anna.
I use she her pronouns, and I amthe owner of Wildly Connected
Photography.
And I'm so excited to be backwith you all today.
I know it's been a little bit ofa minute.
So thanks for your patience.
(00:23):
With the break, I was travelingin Ireland, photographing some
elopements and checking it outand meeting people and hanging
out with my fiance, and it was,it was just so good.
For those of you who don't knowthough I've talked about it
enough times that it's probablyannoying.
I'm also planning my own weddingand elopement for this year and.
(00:49):
I'm so excited about that.
But as I'm sure you know, uh, ifyou are also planning your own
celebration, it can be, it canbe a lot and take up a lot of
mental space.
And it's also just kind of aweird time to be doing so, so
just wanted to give you all someupdates and kind of check in
(01:10):
with you all.
But I'm, I'm really excited forthis week's episode.
And yeah, I also just wanted tosay you might be.
Noticing some new things aroundthe podcast.
And yeah, I just, I really wantthis podcast to keep growing and
I will always find ways andavenues to talk about queer
(01:32):
weddings.
'cause I think that's soimportant and so not talked
about enough.
But also as I'm growing andchanging and evolving, I want to
also find ways to talk aboutthings that are relevant to the
community.
Whether that be things that arebringing joy or things that help
inform us, yeah, I just, Ireally want this to keep growing
(01:54):
and yeah, just to, notnecessarily to give myself a
huge pat on the back oranything, but most podcasts
usually record somewhere betweenthree to 20 episodes before they
die, and that's no shade.
But I'm currently recordingepisode 58 and.
(02:14):
You know, this podcast is farfrom perfect, but I am so glad
to have it and it's been so funto see it grow over the years,
and I just, I wanted to keepdoing that.
And I guess I'm just saying thatI'm in it for the long haul with
a U-Haul.
Sorry, not sorry.
Okay.
And so on that note ofcontinuing to grow and change
(02:37):
and evolve, I am introducing anew segment into the podcast,
and it's gonna be super fun, butstill informative.
And so get ready.
The new segment is called NoHomo, except for that, obviously
(02:58):
I know I'm, I'm doing thisvisually, but it's no, as in
KNO, like.
The more you know but no homo.
And I thought this would just bea super fun way to kick off each
new episode.
And honestly I think this stemsfrom the fact that sometimes I
still feel so like I'm a babygay sometimes.
(03:23):
I know there's some controversyeven with that term.
But yeah, I just, I feel like.
The more that I'm in community,like the more I learn and I'm
like, wait, do other people knowthis?
And so it's gonna be a super funtime to learn some vocabulary,
learn some new topics.
Maybe it's a news thing thatjust happened.
(03:45):
So if you have anything that youwould like to discuss for the.
No homo section of the podcast.
Feel free to email me or DM me.
Always looking to expand myknowledge of the queer community
and I.
I would also like to say that itwon't be all fun in games.
There will be times too when I'msharing informational things or
(04:07):
things that might just benefitthe community.
So with that in mind, are youready this week on No, homo.
The word is Twan.
A twink is a more muscularversion of a twink.
While a twink is a label orstereotype that refers to a
young hairless thin gay man intheir early TW twenties, T twink
(04:30):
describes a more toned, chiseledversion of that.
Both terms are popularist by gaymen and have since extended to
other parts of the LBTQ.
Community.
Wow.
Thanks Wiki.
How, and also, shout out to myfriend Jack for informing me and
inspiring me to.
Also realize sometimes that Ifeel like I know nothing.
(04:53):
So there you go.
Is is the word of the weak?
If you're looking for a visualreference, I saw some people on
the interweb saying that JustinBieber could potentially be an
example if you were queer.
Also if you are familiar withthe show, heart Stoppers, some
people were kind of using, nickas an example.
(05:15):
So if you're a visual person,there you go.
So thank you so much for joiningme on No Homo this week, but
also, yes, homo.
Alright, let's dive into theepisode.
So this week I really wanted todiscuss the importance of gay
(05:36):
marriage and, and the weightthat it holds.
The way that it's always held,even before its existence but
also in today's climate.
And before I dive too, too farin, I also wanna call out that
whether or not a queer coupledecides to get married, that
does not make their relationshipany less valid, any less
(05:56):
special, or hold any lessweight.
It's not always been an option,first of all.
So we have to recognize that andrecognize that not every couple
had the chance to do so, or itjust doesn't feel right for
every couple.
And so, I'll talk about this alittle bit more later on, but I
just wanna say that we aretalking about queer weddings and
(06:20):
of course that's the theme of mypodcast, but.
That doesn't mean that it's theend all be all or has to be for
everybody.
And yeah, just also taking asecond to recognize that what
hasn't always been an optionit's it's really amazing that we
do get to talk about it and atleast for the moment that it's
(06:41):
an option to us.
So, yeah, kind of recognizingboth of that.
And it's also worth rememberingthat national marriage equality
has only been legal since 2015.
Like it's barely been a decade,and there are lawmakers who've
made it clear that they want toroll that back.
So, the reason I kinda wannatalk about this week is I think
(07:02):
it's just so hopeful to hearfrom the community just how much
it means to us.
And also I think just havingthis episode existing in the
world when there are people whodon't understand why we are
starting to feel.
You know, hesitancy or feelscared or people who just still
(07:23):
don't understand why we care somuch about it or how this
affects us.
So I think it's, it's reallyimportant on both sides.
And so let's just dive in.
I asked you all on my Instagramto share your own personal
thoughts on.
What having gay marriage meantto you or what it felt like, and
(07:46):
so many of you wrote in, and I'mso, so grateful for that.
It was, it was really, reallycool to be able to read all of
your responses and so I won't beable to read all of them, but I
do want to read some of them.
So thank you again.
All right.
Here we go.
First one is showing youngerqueer people that it is possible
(08:08):
to have a love that isn'tdefined by heteronormativity.
Heck, yes, absolutelyrepresentation matters.
Another one of you wrote, I feellike marriage is something I've
just always looked at and wantedto be a part of.
One day, having parents thatwere divorced since basically my
birth, I've always been alovesick and hopeless or
romantic, hoping one day I'dmeet my person and be able to
(08:30):
marry them and we would livehappily ever after.
So for love and life, of course,but also for the security of
being safe and recognized aspartners for life in an
emergency and in any situationwhere things might be
questioned.
It is a huge reason and is soimportant.
I'm getting married in June ofthis year, and as much as I have
loved the journey of beingengaged, I can't help but wonder
(08:53):
what we're against here with thestate of the government and
president.
I can't wait for our wedding dayfor the main reason that we'll
be recognized by law in thestate and as a couple, and that
alone will be a huge sigh ofrelief in my life.
100% to the person who wrotethis in like recognizing the
duality of like, yes, of courseI love my person and I'm excited
(09:14):
about that, but it's also likeholds all of these important
aspects.
And also just recognizing likeas a little kid, you know,
seeing this thing that seeminglyeverybody older than you is
doing, but maybe it looks likesomething different than you're
picturing.
And so.
Getting to do that with theperson that feels right for you
(09:38):
and isn't defined byheteronormativity as the person
before said is, is amazing.
All right.
Another one says security, butalso equality.
I love just as deeply and withas much passion as straight
couples.
My love is not less than justbecause I love a woman versus a
man.
Yes, say it louder for thepeople in the back.
(10:00):
So true.
You all are so amazing.
All right, another one says,legally it's helped so much with
saving money by combiningfinances and having peace of
mind about medical emergenciesand other emergencies.
Romantically, it's about makinga choice to be with someone.
I feel this funny tension withqueer marriage where I'm both
proving that our love is likeeveryone else's and also totally
(10:22):
unique and different.
Okay.
Yes.
So much thank you to this personfor like putting very succinctly
and eloquently what I feel likeI've spent an entire podcast on
trying to explain of just thislike.
Even now when we're talkingabout it, it's like, yeah, we
want what everybody else has,but also we like see how this is
(10:45):
so unique and different.
So thank you so much.
That is, that is so accurate.
Alright.
One of you wrote the feeling ofThat's my family.
I don't know how to explain itjust feels like a hug knowing
we're all in.
Yes, absolutely.
Many of you wrote in thingsabout medical security and just.
How safe that feels knowing thatyou have the ability to make
(11:09):
decisions if one of you isn'table to.
So lots of shout outs to medicalsecurity.
One of you wrote TVHA big middlefinger to the patriarchy.
Oh, you have an institutiondesigned to favor hetero men
jokes on you.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
(11:29):
We have another representationand hope for the younger queers.
We deserve love just as much asthe hetero couples.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And then someone else wrote infreedom, security benefits
children and sharing parentslegally safety and rights also
protection from family andothers.
(11:51):
If she dies, they can't take myhome from out, from me.
So, lots of reoccurring themesthere, but also so important,
and thank you all so much forsharing that with us.
You all are beautiful writersand say things so well and I, I
couldn't agree with you all moreso, because you all were so
(12:13):
brave and shared your generouswords and time.
I also kind of just wanted totake.
A quick second to share whatthis means to me personally.
So to be honest, I used to likefear the concept of marriage.
Like I was so scared of it.
I, I, I remember havingconversations with my closest
(12:35):
friend in high school like manytimes, like, you know, when we
would call each other afterschool, having these
conversations of like.
I like, I just, I can't evenimagine, like I'm, I'm so scared
to think about my wedding and tothink about how I'm gonna have
to marry this man.
And the same day that I marryhim is also the same day that we
(12:59):
move in together.
And it is also the same day thatwe're having sex for the first
time, like.
That's just, I mean, that's howI was raised was that you have
to marry a man, but you're alsonot allowed to live together and
you're not allowed to have sexbefore you get married.
And I know many of you are nostrangers to that concept, but
like I was terrified and likethinking about it now, like I
(13:21):
would still be terrified.
That sounds terrifying.
Like, I mean, yes men gross, butalso like just all of that like.
Oh, it just, it, I, talking toso many of like my female
classmates, like, they were soexcited and, you know, like
(13:41):
making lists about like whattheir future husband was gonna
be like and having lists for alltheir baby names when we were
like 15.
And like, I just, I could neverrelate because I was truly
terrified.
Like, I feel like it kept meawake at night.
So.
Anyways, a little tangent there.
But I think going from somethingthat felt truly, truly dreadful
(14:07):
to me because I could never seemyself doing it, and because at
the time I was like, my onlyoption is to marry a man, and
that is not only my only option,but it's like truly what's
expected of me, like thecommunity and how I was raised.
Like even being single wasn'treally an option.
(14:27):
Like it was my only option tofind a man, to marry him and to
have many children.
And so to come from that and tonow have found my now fiance
where I've been able to feelthings I never knew were
possible.
I just like it means so much.
(14:50):
And.
I've said this before, but trulyand honestly, coming out and
getting to live the way that Ido now has, has saved my life in
so many ways.
Even just knowing like thepossibilities and expanding my
understanding for what love feltlike and can feel life.
(15:12):
It has made my life just feelmore safe and hopeful and
joyful.
I.
And so even beyond the feelingsand the love side of things I am
marrying someone who has her ownset of complex health issues.
And I, I never want to be leftout of a hospital room for her
(15:33):
or have no say in each other'swellbeing.
Yeah, I'd say that in combinedwith, with how being able to
marry her makes me feel safe andloved and like I've never felt
before.
Alongside the rights and safetyit grants us and, and just also
being able to do the same thingthat everyone else does.
(15:54):
It, it feels pretty important.
So, I feel like that's even justlike us, the liver of what it
means to me.
Like, I don't know if I couldfully say how much it does mean
to me.
So yeah.
I also just wanted to say thatit is so much about love and
obviously we've already saidthat it's so much about
healthcare, but it's also, youknow, can mean immigration for
(16:17):
some people.
Taxes, and also for people likequeer folks of color, disabled
folks, trans folks like marriagecan mean life-saving protections
in some cases.
So really wanting to acknowledgethat it can affect different
communities differently, butalso.
Going back to my point earlieron in podcast marriage is not
(16:41):
for everybody and that is great,and it's not the end all be all.
And I also just want to makesure that we say too, that I.
It's definitely a weird time,but I hope that nobody is
rushing into a marriage thatthey are not fully ready for and
could have repercussions later.
(17:03):
Just because you have fears ofthese things changing.
I'm obviously, obviously not alegal, legal professional or
understand, everything legally.
But I do know that there aremany ways to protect yourself
and your partner as a couplewithout getting married.
And there are ways to even dothat further once you're
married.
(17:24):
So I really, really encourageyou to wherever you live look
at.
Look at the laws and understandwhat options are available to
you outside of marriage and finda local lawyer and start
planning with'em.
Also financial planners and findways to protect yourselves that
are even outside of marriage.
(17:45):
And less things like.
Completely, completely,completely go down the drain.
There are ways to be able tohave access to medical decisions
and things like that outside ofmarriage.
Obviously take everything I saywith a grain of salt, but I.
I will link a website in theshow notes that has a list of
(18:08):
trusted lawyers that you canreach out to and talk to about
your specific concerns andneeds.
So look out for that if you sochoose.
Before I totally wrap up, I, Ialso just kind of wanted to
address, you know, we'veobviously just discussed like
this means a lot to us for somany reasons.
(18:29):
And I think even for those folkswho don't necessarily see
themselves, you know, beingqueer and having a, a queer
marriage, like having queermarriage taken away says a lot
and is not something that theywould want, and that bears a lot
(18:50):
of weight.
I.
And I, I think that it wouldn'tbe a complete episode without
talking about, I feel likethere's this, there's this
strange camp of people who arelike, just weirdly, like, I'm
not really opposed to gaypeople, but also like, can't
marriage just be between a manand a woman?
You know?
(19:10):
Like you guys can still betogether, but like.
You know, just let the straitshave the marriage.
You know, like, I don'tunderstand, like it's just a
piece of paper, you know?
So like, I, like, I don't, Ifeel like some of you know what
I'm talking about, right?
Like there are these weirdos whoare living in this like weird
(19:31):
in-between and like, well, no,like I have a gay best friend.
But also like, why do you haveto have marriage?
Like what, you know, calm downand sign.
And so like.
To a degree.
I'm like, yes, as we've beensaying, like our love goes
beyond marriage.
And to be clear, if gay marriagegets taken away, like you can't
(19:52):
take our love from us, you can'ttake our identities from us.
Like, those are things that youwill never be able to strip
away.
And so in that sense.
Sure Karen, but like on acompletely different degree, you
are wrong.
And it is so important and itdoes hold a lot of weight.
Like, okay, hear me out.
(20:12):
Can you imagine someone saying,okay, like.
All of these kids, they'reallowed to have chocolate cake
for dessert because they arethis way and considered more
normal.
But these kids over here thatare, you know, they're a little
different.
They get to have bananas fordessert.
Don't get me wrong.
(20:33):
Like bananas are great and onecan make due.
There's lots of nice dessertsyou can make with bananas, but
having to go your whole life,never being able to have
chocolate cake because you'redeemed different would be pretty
annoying.
Right.
Also chocolate actually has alot of benefits when used
(20:54):
appropriately.
One of the benefits beinghappiness.
So, you know, yeah, so basicallysaying you don't need the paper
while straight people haveunquestioned access to it is
like telling someone in aburning house that oxygen is
that important.
(21:15):
It might not matter to you, butit is a lot to us.
So yeah, I, I just, I wanted tomake sure that that was
discussed because.
I feel like there's been thisuprise too, and you know, more
people being like, oh, why doyou have to make it your whole
identity?
And like, it's not even likegoing anywhere.
Like, I don't know what youmean.
(21:35):
While all of these things arevery actively happening in the
world.
So anyway, Karen, hope you'relistening.
So yeah, I, this, our, our loveand our marriage and our rights
are, are powerful and they meanso much.
And I hope that this episode canboth serve as an affirmation to
(21:55):
the queer folks listening thatyou're so valid for feeling
this, for wanting this, for notwanting this to go away for
wanting the same things aseverybody else for wanting those
rights and.
Even just being able to saylike, this is what I wanted
growing up and now I get to doit.
(22:16):
And that's amazing.
Like I, I hope you feel affirmedknowing that It is, it is so
valid and it is something thatwe should always be able to have
and something we should neverhave to question if it goes
away.
And if you're someone who'snever really thought about this,
thank you for listening.
I hope this gives you a reasonto think a little differently
(22:37):
next time this topic comes up ata family dinner or in your
voting booth.
But I also, yeah, I just hopethat this episode can live as a
resource for those who, whohaven't listened and.
Just get people to think alittle bit differently about
truly how much weight that thisholds and how much our community
(22:59):
values this.
So I will leave you all withthis.
If you're queer, what doesmarriage mean to you and how do
you hope that our community ofboth us, ourselves, and our
alleys show up for it?
And if you're not.
How might it feel if your lovehad to be explained, debated, or
(23:21):
limited by the law?
So quarterly.
Beloved, thank you so much forlistening in.
I hope that you will come backnext week, uh, for another
rendition of No Homo and ofcourse another episode, and I
hope you all have an amazingday.
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