February 26, 2025 • 67 mins
What an absolute blast this was to do this live and I hope you'll listen in to hear about Red and Beige Flags in the wedding industry (and put them to the test by playing a game with us), hear from Tony and Ben share about their experiences planning their own wedding and a Q+A session with all things lgbtq+ weddings! A huge shout out to Urban Growler Brewery for being an amazing host and an epic place to host your wedding!
Click HERE to watch the Queerly Beloved Events event on things you can do as a lgbtq+ person to protect yourself in the upcoming years.
The intro and all instrumentals were written, sung and recorded by @JaynaDavisMusic
Queerly Beloved, I'm so glad you joined!
Please keep the community going by checking me out on instagram @wildlyconnectedphoto and come say hi! I'd love to hear from you! :)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Microphone (Yeti Stereo Mi (00:00):
Hey, what's up?
(00:02):
hopefully you aren't scared awayby seeing how long this episode
is.
It is from the live podcast.
So we kind of broke it up intosome fun little segments.
So hopefully.
You aren't too scared away bythat.
It is super fun.
And I just wanted to pop in herebefore we dive into the live
episode to just say, wow, like,thank you so much to everybody
(00:24):
who came.
Thank you to Urban Growler forhosting and thank you everybody
for participating and submittingthings and just making it so
fun.
Did just want to say, first ofall, I am sorry for the amount
of times I say um, I'm workingon it.
I really am.
So sorry about that.
But then also secondly, this wasmy first time doing a live
(00:45):
podcast as I know I've said, butI really, truly did my best with
the sound quality.
However, I am a photographer,not a videographer slash audio
mastermind.
And so it truly is fine.
Like, I don't think you're goingto be, your ears aren't going to
be bleeding or anything, butit's just, it's a little bit
(01:06):
different.
Um, because we were working withboth obviously trying to project
the sound and then also recordthe sound for later as well, so,
I think it should be totallyfine, but just note that it's a
little bit different than when Irecord my episodes in my little
studio.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope that you make it all theway through.
(01:26):
And, oh, the other thing Iwanted to say was, you know
what, like, editing this wastruly so much fun and such a joy
because I got to heareverybody's laughter playback
and I decided to keep all ofthose moments of laughter in
because it was truly just, like,So fun to be in a room and like
I'll be laughing and I'll bejoking around together and so
(01:50):
Maybe some of you are not fansof keeping that in but I think
it's so fun to like hear peoplelaughing and like hear That joy
being shared.
And so I kept it in.
Sue me.
So I hope I hope that thatlaughter and Some of these
moments bring you some joy.
All right, let's get into it
Anna (02:09):
Thanks for being here, you guys.
Welcome, welcome.
So nice to see you all.
Um, for those who aren'tfamiliar, my name is Anna.
I use she, her pronouns.
I run Wildly ConnectedPhotography and I'm also the
host of Queerly Beloved, thepodcast.
I've had the podcast for abouttwo years now, but this is my
first time doing a live event,so you'll have to bear with me
(02:32):
as I do the live side of it.
But, does anyone else feel likethey need to take a deep breath?
Because Wow.
Incredible.
Um, just a few quick notes herebefore we fully dive into the
podcast.
Um, huge shout out to UrbanGrowler for having this event
and hosting.
(02:53):
Urban Growler does such a greatjob at like living out their
values and practicinginclusivity.
And I've just had such a greattime working with them.
So.
Big shout out to Urban Growler.
Kaylee will be here to answerany questions about, like, the
space or the venue if any of youwant to chat with her, too.
(03:15):
I also just wanted to, before wedive into, say, like, the past
couple of months have beenrough.
I think we've all been feelingthat in different ways and While
I'm so glad to be here with allof you, I also know it's been
rough.
It's been a little bit weird.
And I also just wanted to letyou know I will have a resource
(03:36):
available.
there was an event, um put on byQueerly Beloved, The Events
Company, um, a couple weeks agowith some lawyers just kind of
discussing, like, what's goingon in the world, things you can
do to protect yourself.
So, I will have that up in theshow notes, too, in case that's
something that you've been,like, worried about or thinking
through.
(03:56):
But I think we're gonna have alot of fun tonight.
the podcast is gonna be about anhour long, but don't worry, it
won't be me talking the wholetime.
We're gonna do some, like, funinteractive segments and have a
Q& A panel here at the end.
So, if you have any questions,make sure to keep those in mind.
So, with that, by a show ofhands, who is here is watching
(04:18):
the new Love is Blind series.
Great, great.
I can't say that I've beenwatching the show, but
unfortunately I do know somebodyon the show, so I've been
watching those segments.
Um, and in watching thosesegments, there's this one scene
(04:39):
where they're in the pods, Idon't know, yeah, the pods, and
we'll just, we'll say his name,the character's name, they're
characters in my head, um, Benis talking to Sarah, I think,
and um, she's like, oh I know,like I keep hearing you say
you're religious, like, I justwanted to make sure my sister's
(05:00):
gay, like are you comfortablehanging out with her?
He says, oh, yeah, I have noproblem with people like that.
And then proceeds to say that,like, three more times.
Like, well, I didn't really growup around people like that.
But, like, people like that Ihave no problem with.
(05:20):
Which I'm like Come on, if youcan't say the word gay, or like,
say the word LGBTQ, like, it's ared flag for me, homie.
Um, I mean, he's just a walkingred flag, so, that's another
story.
But, shout out to Ben for beinga great segue into, uh, talking
(05:41):
about red flags here.
I wanted to talk about some redflags, like, in The wedding
world and honestly like eventhough we're talking about
weddings this applies to a lotof other things too, right?
So I think This is important totalk about these in in today's
world, right?
Because I think we're so muchfarther along than we were even
(06:01):
like ten years ago But that kindof leaves us in this interesting
space we're like Don't get mewrong.
There's people out there who arestill very openly like
homophobic But, then there'salso this like, sect of people
who is like, I think I'm gettinggood vibes, but I'm also not
entirely sure.
(06:22):
And so, how, like, what am Ilooking for?
What kinds of things do I askthem to like, really see?
Like, is this person a red flag?
Yeah.
I think that's really importantto talk about, like, in the
context of today, in 2025.
But I also do want to say, like,it's not like any of these
things is like, Oh, well, thisperson did that.
(06:44):
Canceled.
Gone.
Like, there is always room fornuance.
But I also feel comfortablesaying, like, I want to hold the
wedding industry to a higherstandard.
Like, if people can keep up withtrends and change how they,
like, what decor they have orthings like that, then, like, I
want to hold them to higherstandards of, like, making sure
(07:06):
that they don't have any redflags.
so the first one I kind ofwanted to talk about is, um, if
one of two things happens, ifyou're talking to, like, a venue
or a vendor and they're like,well, We don't usually work with
LGBTQ couples, but like, we'llmake an exception.
Or, if they're very much like,Oh, we've never done this
(07:28):
before.
And like, we'll talk more aboutthat later, but if they're like,
making a point to let you know,like, We've never done this
before, and also now we'restarting to get anxious and
sweaty just talking about this.
Might be a little bit of a redflag.
Um, also, like, you should neverbe the exception, right?
(07:48):
Like, you should feel ascelebrated as any other couple,
and so if they use the wordexception, red flag.
Another one that I wanted tochat about is, I think there's a
lot of things that hopefully nowlike venues and vendors that are
trying to like make effortshopefully have some baseline of
(08:11):
like, Showing queer couples intheir portfolio, having space
for like pronouns on theircontact form, and things like
that, that like, in my mind,that should be the baseline,
even if it's not.
Um, so these are things that I'mlike saying, okay, hopefully
people are doing these things,what can we do to go like above
(08:33):
and beyond?
And so one of those things is, Ithink I still see a lot of
people they'll be like, oh, youboth use she, her pronouns,
great, you're both brides, whichis like, we just don't want to
be making those assumptions.
So I would love to see peoplemaking an effort to talk to
(08:53):
couples, like, is there acertain term you want to use, or
how are you feeling about thesewords?
And I think on that same veintoo.
While it's super great andawesome that people ask for
pronouns, something I see a lotis people kind of, like, they'll
do it, and then they'll slideback into the comfortability of,
(09:14):
like, Well, I see this personuses he, they pronouns, so,
like, I'm just gonna stick withhe.
Never use the other one, neveralternate, never ask this
person, like, how are youfeeling with this?
Like, is there something I cando differently on your wedding
day?
Like, maybe that person doesn'tactually want to use certain
(09:35):
pronouns on their wedding daybecause of X, Y, and Z reasons.
So, um, if If venues and vendorsaren't actually, like, making
efforts to, like, check in withyou of, like, how do you
identify?
Is there anything we can saythat would make you feel really
awesome?
Like, it's a little bit of redflag for me.
(09:56):
Something I also see a lot is,Again, there's kind of that like
baseline of people being like,yeah, I'll work with a queer
couple but I'm also going to belike Who is the more masculine
one in the partnership?
Like trying to like fit peopleinto boxes So it's like on the
(10:18):
one hand they're like sayingyes, I'll be inclusive but then
at the same time They're verymuch trying to force people into
boxes, Again, if you're likeseeing people and you're like, I
think this person has goodvibes, but like, Let me just
kind of check in with them,maybe ask them some questions,
like, How would you approachthis?
If they start getting defensive,Probably also not the best,
(10:43):
right?
Like, it's understandable ifpeople haven't had the most
experience, but then they shouldwant to, like, approach that
conversation respectfullyversus, like, immediately trying
to defend themselves or be like,well, why are you asking me
that?
Like, So really pay attentionto, like, how people are having
conversations with you.
(11:05):
Um, so those are just some, somered flags to kind of be on, on
the lookout for.
Um, and I also wanted to talkabout Some beige flags, if you
will.
Um, some things, again, thataren't by any means, like,
grounds to cancel somebody oranything like that.
(11:26):
Um, but I think these are thingsthat hopefully you two, both as
individuals and as a couple, cankind of discuss, like, what are
our boundaries when it comes tothings that we're kind of not
certain about.
And what is our threshold forlike, you know, putting up with
these things, or working withpeople on these things.
(11:48):
I think that's really important,and I think that looks totally
different for every couple.
Like, some couples are like,great, this person's never
worked with a queer couple, butI can tell they have really good
intentions.
Like, do I have capacity to helpthem through that?
Um, I think in my mind, it'skind of like thinking about, If
(12:09):
somebody was like, We need tohave a gluten free wedding
because one of us has a glutenintolerance.
And you're kind of like, well,we really, really love this
caterer.
Like, they're super awesome.
We really love them.
But they've never done a weddinglike that where they have a
gluten free menu.
They're super willing to try,but Am I willing to take that
(12:31):
risk on of like, do I want to bethinking about that on my
wedding day?
Like, am I willing to take onthe risk of like, getting sick
on my wedding day because theydon't have experience?
Um, and I think, again, everycouple's totally different in
like what your threshold andcapacity is, but it's just
something to think about whenyou're kind of like, hmm.
(12:52):
Was that something weird thatjust happened?
Do I want to, like, keep workingwith this person?
So yeah, again, there's nuancewith all of it.
So one of the beige flags Iwanted to talk about is people
that say they're inclusive, butthen don't always put in the
effort of, like, I'm going toactually update the language in
(13:13):
my contracts to not only saybride and groom.
Like, I think that's something Isee pretty often is that people
are like, Yes, we're aninclusive vendor, but then like
won't put in the effort to likechanging things or um, making
sure that everything is updatedbecause in their minds they're
kind of just like, Oh, well, youknow, it's fine.
(13:33):
Like people, people will justskim past it.
It doesn't really matter.
And then I think just kind offollowing up on the point that I
made, um, in the red flags oflike, people, you know, letting
you know they've never workedwith a queer couple.
I think if people approach thatconversation in terms of like,
(13:53):
oh my god, we've never donethis, like, what are we gonna
do, what if there's two peoplein suits and we don't know,
like, which one to talk to more,like, that kind of thing.
But I think If people approachthe conversation in a way
that's, you know, open andtransparent, because I think
that's important, like, Hey,I've never done this before.
(14:16):
And also, I want to listen andlearn from you.
Like, I think there's ways tohave that conversation that are
more of a beige flag leaninginto a green flag than a red
flag.
and the last one is, I know thisone might sound a little bit
spicy, so just bear with me, butsomething that I see a lot too
(14:37):
is people making statements thatare kind of like, Well, you
know, we just love love.
It doesn't matter.
Like, we treat all couples thesame.
Like, we just want to work withcool people, which is like,
great.
That's awesome.
I see what you're saying.
You're on the right track.
And also, um, kind of how I saidearlier, like everyone deserves
(15:01):
to be celebrated the same, buthow that celebration happens
might look a little bitdifferent from couple to couple,
especially as it pertains toqueer couples.
And so for me, maybe it's justme, but for some reason when I
see people saying that, it'skind of like alarm bells going
off in my head of like, Yes.
(15:22):
And also, are you going to beable to like understand that
queer couples are Going througha different experience in
straight couples and like areyou going to be able to work
with them to create a Structurethat works for them and getting
ready spaces that work for themand and things like that.
So those are all the beige flagsthat I wanted to discuss, but
(15:45):
ultimately with both of them, Ithink it's important that you
follow your gut.
Like, if you are, like, seeinggood things from somebody, but
you're like, something's justkind of off, like, that's okay.
Like, on, on your wedding day,you don't want to be thinking
about, Oh, is something weirdgoing to happen, or am I going
to feel uneasy?
(16:05):
Like, Listen to your gut and,and hopefully these remind you
too that like, you're allowed tohave boundaries and you're
allowed to stand up foryourself.
Like if people are being weird,you're allowed to stand up for
yourself and be like, no, likeother couples don't experience
that and I, I don't want toeither.
Obviously easier said than done,but you are very much allowed to
(16:29):
do it.
And hopefully this is just alittle reminder.
So, now that we're all on thesame page about some things to
kind of be on the lookout for, Iwould love to do a little fun
game.
I don't know if any of you knowthis, but I am a registered
officiant in the state ofMinnesota.
Which means that, I haveperformed weddings and heard
(16:50):
lots of weddings, or weddings,vows from couples.
And, um, So we're going to takea little spin on the classic,
like, I do moment.
And we're going to walk throughsome scenarios.
I'm sure you all have seen thelittle paddles.
One says I do, one says I don't.
I'm going to go through somescenarios that couples have
(17:13):
submitted to me of like thingsthey've experienced in their
wedding planning process.
And then also things that I'veseen, like just being in the
wedding space.
This is your opportunity to saythat you've been on a podcast,
because I would love to goaround and come up to some of
you and see what your thoughtsare on the situation.
So, if I come up to you andyou're like, nah, that's okay
(17:35):
too.
I don't want to make anyoneuncomfortable.
Alright.
Everybody ready?
Everybody get the game.
Great.
So, you and your partner, whoboth identify as brides, are
super excited about this onevenue.
The people you've set up a tourwith seem nice.
But when you get to the tour,you see a sign that welcomes you
(17:58):
and it reads, insert bride'sname here, and her prince
charming.
Do you still take this venueinto consider, into
consideration to host yourwedding?
Interesting.
Okay, okay, okay.
What did, what did your paddlesay?
I don't.
Okay, why did you say that?
(18:19):
Mainly because this is my story.
And also, like, don't assumeanything.
Like, it's 2025.
You should not assume, like, thesex of the partner.
Unless you ask the name of thepartner.
Yeah.
Like, don't assume things.
(18:39):
Yeah.
And then, don't, and then theydon't, they didn't say anything
afterwards to apologize oranything.
It was just, they just kind ofmoved past it and it was really
awkward the entire time.
God, and both of you were there?
Yeah.
Okay, so, safe to say you didnot book this venue.
(19:01):
No, we did not.
Okay, great.
Thanks for your participation.
Alright, so, great, that was agreat practice round.
Um, everyone in your family, Hashad a big wedding.
It's been huge celebration Bigdeal, and now it's your and your
(19:21):
partner's turn to have a weddingSo you're excited to have a big
wedding have a big celebrationhowever Your parents approach
you and say um, can you pleasejust like not have a big
wedding?
Can you kind of just tone itdown a little bit like we don't
really want to have any judgmentor like hard conversations Do
(19:42):
you take this request from yourparents?
What does your paddle say?
I don't.
Why do you say that?
Um, I feel like a wedding issupposed to be a big day for you
and your partner, and how youchoose to celebrate that should
be up to you two, not yourparents.
And, you know, you can hopefullychoose to include them in on it
(20:03):
too, but if it doesn't alignwith what you and your partner
want, I think your needs shouldcome above that, personally.
Slay.
Okay, oh gosh, alright, so, alocal venue that may or may not
start with a series of numbersand may or may not end with
post, um, looks like a greatvenue, it's beautiful, it's
(20:27):
gorgeous, but then you click ontheir website and you see this,
the definition, the definitionof marriage is the exclusive
union of one man and one woman,Genesis 2 24.
Do you ask if they'll make anexception for you and your
partner?
Great.
(20:49):
What does your paddle say?
I don't.
Why did you say that?
If you're not going to accept myrelationship, um, even off the
website, then you're, I'm notgoing to give you my business.
That is the right answer.
Although, technically, these areall subjective.
That was still the right answer.
(21:13):
Alright.
You're going to a bridal shopand weren't able to like, suss
out the vibes.
You're like, maybe they're cool,maybe they're not.
There isn't anything on like,social media.
But, you're like, I really wantto try on a dress here.
You get there, and the personhelping you out has a septum
piercing and grey taste.
(21:34):
Do you risk it for the biscuitwith this bridal shop?
Or suit shop.
Or whatever shop.
Great.
What does your paddle say?
It says I do.
Why'd you say that?
Um, you said septum piercing.
I feel like that is the queercalling card.
(21:55):
That I am like, alright,alright, let's talk.
Yes, yes, yeah.
Also the right answer.
Alright.
Okay.
We'll do two more.
Just for fun.
Okay, so.
You meet with the coolest hairand makeup person, like, so
good, very good at their job,she does makeup on her son
(22:15):
because he loves it, great,great vibes.
But then, at the end of thismeeting, she brings in her
business partner, who is also ahair and makeup assistant, and
when you ask the new person herpronouns, she said, what's that?
Do you book this dynamic duo?
Okay, okay, okay.
(22:39):
I'm gonna come back over here.
I feel like it would be a vibecheck.
I, I kind of was flipping itback and forth.
It would be a very, like, bigvibe check of is it, I don't
know, and like, they're open toyou being like, that's what we
all use when we don't call eachother our names.
Or like, or if they are like,oh, no, just like the regular
ones.
(22:59):
You know, it, it's It's about,like, are they ignorant and
willfully so or ignorant andwilling to, like, learn and be
accepting, I think is the vibecheck in that moment.
So it depends on how the nextcouple of lines of that
conversation go.
Do you still feel that way ifit's 2025 and this is, like, a
young person?
Yeah, I'm not going to lie, ifthey're young, they don't get as
(23:21):
much of a pass as if they'relike an old lady.
And I'm like, oh, sweet lady, Ican, I can inform you.
But yeah, no, if they're young,honestly, I do feel like that
changes how I feel about them,like, not knowing about
pronouns.
Then they have less excuses.
Lots of nuance here.
Great answer.
Alright.
Last one.
We kind of already talked aboutthis, so I'll be curious to see
what you all say.
(23:42):
So.
A wedding planner reaches out toa vendor on your, on your
behalf, and they respond with,We, we'll work with gay couples.
We don't discriminate againstcool people.
Do you feel good about workingwith them?
Interesting, interesting.
A lot of similar vibes.
Um, I really think it's anuanced conversation.
(24:04):
You have to have thatconversation of like, looking at
portfolios and having thoseconversations to be able to
fully understand kind of theiroverall perspective.
But if you get that, Like, gutfeeling where you're like, Ooh,
nope, this feels wrong.
Definitely back off and findsomewhere else that is willing
(24:25):
to love and accept you for allthat you are.
Just not, because you're cool.
Because we're not in middleschool anymore.
Also, honestly, what if I'm notcool?
I just happen to be gay.
Like, What does that mean?
True, yeah, exactly.
Awesome.
Well, you all crushed that.
(24:46):
Amazing job.
You are great at playing games,so good job.
Now that we have played ourgame, I would love to invite
Tony and Ben up to the front.
This is a fantastic, wonderful,amazing, stunning, beautiful
(25:08):
couple that I photographed theirwedding, um, a little while ago.
They had just the best day.
And they're the greatest humans.
And so, I would like to ask thema few questions.
But first, can you two just likeintroduce yourselves?
Anything you want to share?
Hello.
I'm Benjamin.
I use he, him pronouns.
Uh, and Uh, we've been togetherfor seven years on Monday, so,
(25:35):
woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Um, and by day I'm a creativedirector, and that's my Bruce
Wayne job, and my Batman job is,um, I teach at the Minneapolis
College of Art and Design.
Hi, uh, Tony Rivera Chose, uh,he, him pronouns.
Um, yeah, we've been togetherfor seven years.
We met at the This might be likediving in, but We met at the,
(26:00):
um, Lonely Hearts Club dance atFirst 2018.
Um We've been talking, like,we've been texting, but it was
the first time we actually raninto each other.
Benjamin can tell you the wholestory later.
But anyways, um, Yeah, and byday, I am a creative project
(26:20):
manager.
And by night, I am exhausted.
Great, love it.
Um, just for fun, do you want totell us your proposal story or
stories?
This is you.
Ooh, yes, I am very proud of ourproposal story.
Uh, Tony made it very clearearly in our relationship that I
(26:44):
would be the one to propose.
And so, and I'm gonna say inmore ways than one, as in, was
told explicitly on more than oneoccasion.
Just really quick, I just didn'trealize how long it would take
you.
Um, Tony is the milestone drivenone of our relationship, where
I'm the one that enjoys thejourney.
(27:04):
So I'm like, what's the rush togetting married?
And, um, so I think Tony wouldsay I didn't know it was going
to take five years.
But, um, you know, give or take.
Anyways, uh, so I told, uh, Igot tickets for Tony's birthday,
that's what I said, to go to NewYork City.
And, um, and then secretly had,um, I was feeling, um, I don't
(27:29):
know, old fashioned and straightin the moment, so I went and
asked his parents forpermission.
And they were like, teared up,and they were like, yes, yes.
Um, and so we went to New York,and, uh, Tony is a big Sex and
the City fan, and, uh, alwaysloves the quote from Carrie
Bradshaw that says, the New YorkPublic Library is home to the
(27:51):
And so I told him we were goingon a tour and we had to wait on
the steps outside, um, and I wassecretly waiting for a secret
photographer to take our photo,uh, but she was running late on
the subway.
So I'm like, man, this tour mustbe running late.
Tony's like, yeah, this is weirdfor like a professional
institution.
And then she texted and said,I'm here.
(28:12):
And so I needed Tony to turnaround cause I wanted to very
like traditionally get down onone knee and I needed him to
turn around.
And so I yelled.
Look, Mariska Hargitay! And hegoes, Where?! And when he turned
around, there I was! Hee hee heehee! Heh heh heh heh.
Did you see me coming?
Um, he started getting realweird for like the last 30
(28:32):
seconds.
So I was like, What is up?
And it kind of was like, it wasmy 35th birthday, So I was like,
it's kind of a milestonebirthday, sure.
Um And, are my parents about tocome around the corner?
Or I like, was it, is my bestfriend secret?
Yeah, I thought there was goingto be like a surprise guest.
Um, and then I realized, andthen I like turned around and he
(28:52):
was gone, and then I justrealized he was like kneeling
down.
And then, like, we both blackedout, and I can't tell you what
happened next.
Thank God there's photos,otherwise I wouldn't be able to,
like, remember anything.
Wow, I love that.
Congrats for pulling it off.
Obviously it worked out.
Um, so that brings us to yourwedding planning.
(29:13):
Um, talk to us a little bitabout, like, what was really
important to you when you wereplanning?
I think for me We, so we had ourfirst date at, let me back up, I
was like very dead set on likefinding the right venue for like
(29:34):
vibe purposes, um, andtruthfully there was one place I
wanted us to get married, and itwas I said this flippantly, but
like maybe a little seriously,where I was like if this place
isn't available we should justgo get married at the
courthouse.
I wanted us to get married atBarler Cott in Loring Park
because that's where we had ourfirst date.
(29:54):
And in my, and I knew they didweddings, and in my head I'm
like this is the, I wanted thisidea of like this intimate
dinner party where likeeverybody was dressed up, and I
was in a tux, and there was likelinen tablecloths, and that
place was, and I also was like,I'm very uninterested in
decorating any place.
And that place you don't need todecorate because it's like,
(30:15):
beautiful.
Um, so I think that was probablymy first like, this is really
important to me in terms of thelike, wedding planning process
other than like, finding someonethat I love to marry.
Uh, yes, I always, uh, thinkthat, uh, venue was really
(30:35):
important, and then, uh, Iworked at a photography studio
right out of high school beforeI went to college, and so, um,
yeah, so I was like, um, venue,food, Which, coincidentally, was
in the same place, because it'sall about the party vibe.
Uh, photography, and then, like,because party, and like, DJ, so
(30:56):
like, those were kind of likethe priority hit list.
And then, um, you know,immediately texting all your
family and besties, like, oncewe secured the location, to be
like, and I hope that you'reavailable before we even save
the dates, because I can'timagine having a special day
without your people.
Yeah, absolutely.
Did you guys have any, like,worries or concerns when you
were planning and how did youaddress that?
(31:18):
So, I feel like there'sprobably, like, two concern
categories.
There's, like, do you have theprofessional concerns, like,
with your vendors, like, we'vebeen talking about and whatnot.
So, like, that, we had noproblem with what so ever,
because like, we knew CafeLercotte had pictures of queer
couples on their website, youknow, things like that.
(31:40):
So that was, that was good, um,we, um, we knew we were hiring a
queer DJ was really important tous that we had been to a wedding
for and we're like, you'reamazing.
And then I think there are likethe worries and concerns more
than on like the family side.
Yeah.
So you had, you're like thefamily side here.
You talk about your big assfamily.
(32:01):
Um.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I saw it midway through.
I was like, I could, I couldkill my mom.
No.
Um, um, no.
Um, I have, there's some familyconcerns.
So, and it's not the ones youmight think.
So, I have a really largefamily.
I have 50 first cousins.
Uh, Benjamin has three firstcousins.
(32:22):
Um, my sister had 400 people ather wedding.
Um, and my mom was like, this isnothing, you should have seen
mine.
And I was like, which one?
Um, and, so they had, so, I'mused to having these really big
Mexican weddings, right?
Well, it was like, the venue wasdictating a lot of stuff with
our wedding.
(32:42):
There was only, I think theywere like, max, and people are
sitting in the balcony, 150.
Um, so they were like 1.
30 on the floor comfortably, Ithink is what it was.
Um, that, which we wanted.
And so I let the space kind ofdictate that, and that ruffled
some feathers.
Um, several pissed cousins.
(33:04):
Um, and interesting because itwas like, we almost had the
opposite problem a little bitthat, and I say this realizing
how fortunate we are, my cousinswere like, I'm sad I didn't get
to be at your wedding.
I think that's a really greatproblem to have, so we, I had to
like, have a conversation withmy parents about this, and it
was like, Either I start pickingfavorite cousins, or we draw a
(33:24):
line in the sand and say like,aunts and uncles only, and
that's the route we went.
So it was just my parents,siblings were invited.
Um, yeah.
I definitely, there were somepeople that were mad at me.
Said that to my face.
So if you divide your weddingheadcount in half and you're
like, Okay, you get 50 and I get50 or whatnot, and then you
realize how big your significantother's side is, you'll notice
(33:48):
that all the friends end up inyour column because family all
shows up in their column.
Yes, and that is accurate.
Um, I was like, I didn't knowthese people until I met you.
They're in your column.
That's awesome.
It was, it was tight in there.
I did bump into a few elbows,but.
It was beautiful.
It was very beautiful.
(34:08):
Um, would you, now like lookingback in retrospect, is there
anything you would have changedin how you handled things or did
things?
I have one that was upsetting.
In terms of like the weddingplanning itself, I think things
went really smoothly, I'll letBenjamin talk about some of his
stuff, but I had a familymember, an aunt, who decided not
(34:30):
to come to the wedding, Um, butalso like, didn't respond to
RSVPs, uh, phone calls or textmessages.
extra hurtful because thisperson is my dad's sister.
She took care of me from thetime I was eight weeks old until
I went to kindergarten.
And like, there was a point inmy life where I like thought
(34:50):
this woman was my mother.
Um, and that was, that waskiller.
So I mean, if I could go backand uninvite her and invite
somebody cool.
Um, but like that one, I mean,there's still a rift there.
Um.
And that is really hurtful.
Um, Yeah.
(35:15):
I joke that I say no notes.
Like I don't think I haveanything I'd change in
retrospect.
It's funny though because peoplecome up to me from our wedding
and like things that they wishthey would have done
differently, like, behaviorwise.
Like, we had a good friendthat's like, I am so sorry.
I, like, embarrassingly fell sohard on the dance floor.
I had a little too much to drinkand was apologizing.
(35:36):
And we both went, we don't knowwhat you're talking about.
So, like, whatever you thinkmade a big splash or something
on wedding day, we're like, no.
And actually, I prefer thisstory where other people know
about it and we didn't.
And we're like, tell us moreabout the fall.
Yeah, there were a lot, therewere a lot of, like, Mom's first
night out's going on at ourwedding.
So there was like, and then soand so was just a mess.
(35:57):
And I was like, I didn't see anyof it, but I love to hear it.
But if there, I said somethinglike the day afterwards, and I
was like, if something wentwrong, I don't know about it,
and I don't want to hear aboutit.
Um, so if there was anythingthat you dealt with.
Don't tell me.
No, it was all great.
Um, this was not on the, on thelist of questions, but I feel
(36:18):
like you just have to talk abouthow the night, not ended, but
you know what I'm talking about.
Progressed, oh yes.
Yes, yes.
Would you share that?
So one of the things I alwayslike think about for weddings is
like, you need to infuse you andyour personalities into your
wedding.
So if there's anything you feelobligated to do, I mean, A, you
(36:41):
decide if you actually do, orlike, how do you make it your
own?
Um, and so for us, we justwanted it to feel like us.
So like, yeah, did I want tohave our recessional be the Star
Wars theme song?
Hell yes! Um, or like, forexample, we're like, on Tony's
side, we're like, uh, how canwe, like, bring the Mexican
heritage to life?
Did we have mariachi at our,like, social hour?
(37:02):
Yes, we did.
Um, we're very, um, obsessedwith drag culture, so did we
want to have a drag queen, um,surprise everyone unannounced
during the dance party?
Yes, we did.
Um, and then, you know, do youkind of say at one point to your
new friend photographer, belike, Yeah.
(37:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, could you just stay a fewmore minutes because I'm about
to go put on an Ursula wig andan Ursula t shirt and a trident
and surprise my new husband witha dance to poor unfortunate
souls because that's who I amdeep down as a person.
Yes, I did.
So I think like finding allthose moments, even from like
(37:43):
the little touches, like Youknow, we didn't work big on,
like, a guest book per se, butwe, I love having a huge
extensive postcard collectionthat I have that are just weird
postcards, and I'm like, I wanteveryone to write us a postcard
that we keep forever instead ofa book, you know?
So I feel like any moments youfind like that Um, I'm here for
(38:03):
it.
I'm cheering you on.
Yeah, I think the So I grew upin a big old Catholic family.
Um, and so it's like, I don'tknow, you know, everybody else
got married in the CatholicChurch.
Wasn't an option.
Though I think my mom literallywas like, I found a priest that
could make I was like, we're notdoing some sort of like
undercover Catholic service.
She was like, I know this guy.
(38:24):
And I bet you he would do it.
But we can't tell anybody.
And I'm like, um I was like, Ilove that.
Um So, like, we had, um, inMexican culture, there is this
thing called the laso, it's verysimilar to, like, maybe lighting
a unity candle, and it, like,went over the both of us, so I
had, and then you do these coinsthat represent prosperity and
your marriage, um, and then wewent and lit, and we got married
(38:48):
in the month of October, so wehad an ofrenda set up, because
for Day of the Dead, and we hadpictures of family members, we
walked over there together withthe laso on, lit a candle while
the music from CoCo was playing,my dad is weeping, um, like with
a handkerchief.
It was very cute.
Um, and yeah, that was, and thenlike our readings too, like we
(39:10):
did pick something from theBible, but then the other one
that you really liked and pickedwas from Winnie the Pooh, which
Winnie the Pooh always makes mecry.
And I had outfit changes.
Yes.
And that was the other thingthat made it real gay.
That was.
Cause I was like, how can Iinfuse all white silk chiffon
see through shirts into tonight?
(39:31):
My mom was like, okay.
It was so good though.
So good.
Well, now that you'veestablished that you're absolute
pros and had a perfect day withno notes, um, what would be your
advice to other queer couplesplanning?
Any advice?
I, I think I have two.
Um, one, keep the money in theneighborhood, and by that I mean
(39:54):
hire queer people, um, to doyour stuff is the best decision.
And then don't let the Like, theparty portion of it, and I'm not
just talking about reception,I'm talking about the whole day,
don't let the planning of thisevent get bigger than your
(40:14):
marriage.
I just, that's the one thing,like, and there were a couple
moments where I got inside myown head and was like, no, we
both need to do this one thing,because I saw it on fucking
TikTok, and then I was justlike, but this isn't us, so
like, stick to who you are, butdon't let it get bigger than
your relationship.
Because after the party's done,you have to go home with this
(40:35):
person, theoretically forever.
Um, and, you don't want to haveany weird fan I don't know, just
don't make it weird.
Um, so I say make it weird.
No, but like I already said,like, find every moment to like
infuse everything that's aboutyou two into the day.
And I also like You know, it'snot just about, like, that time
(40:57):
when, like, the wedding starts.
Like, that whole day is yours,so, like, for us, like, it was
really important that, like, Iwant to go out with, like, my
VIP gal pals and, like, havebrunch that morning, you know?
Like, so finding things likethat where it's, like, no, like,
I want to, like, remember everymoment of the day, and That I
went out to brunch is you'relike locked in a hotel room with
(41:19):
all your people He was like,yeah, we went out to brunch.
I was like, you had time forbrunch this morning?
And he was like, yeah, what didyou do?
I was like started hair andmakeup at 7 I'm like, I did my
own hair! Uh, yeah, and so, Ithink, and then, actually, the
other tip that, this is one thatI heard online, and I did think,
(41:40):
I'm like, I'm totally gonna dothis, and then we forgot the day
of, so for people that do decideto, like, get married in front
of their loved ones and whatnot,um, I heard this great tip that
if you have people standing upwith you, put them on the side.
behind your partner, so you'restaring at your people.
(42:01):
And same thing with like, notthat we did sides, but like,
same thing with like, oh, havethem be on the side you're
staring at.
So, I mean, Tony, I'm so glad Iwas staring at Tony's people who
stood up, but I forgot that Ihave, and afterwards I'm like, I
watched our video, videographer,and so I'm like, I had no idea
that like, my brother was cryingbehind me, which maybe is for
(42:22):
the best that I didn't see,because I turned into a puddle,
but that's mine.
And I was giving him eyes.
I was like, Skylar, stop crying.
This isn't about you.
Um, no, it was really nice tolike be looking at your mom and
like, I don't know.
I, I'm not a crier.
Um, and the one thing that didmake me cry on our wedding day.
(42:44):
is, after I walked down theaisle, Ben's mom hugged me and
said, I love you so much, pleasetake care of my boy.
And I was like, oh, that one gotme.
Yeah.
It was very sweet.
It was very sweet.
There was, I got a lot of cryingpictures.
Tears everywhere.
So many ugly criers.
Oh my god, my niece So, mysiblings are substantially older
(43:10):
than me.
A lot of my nieces and nephewsare adults.
So, context.
Um, I have a niece that lives inColorado.
She's 25 years old.
Um, her and I are very close.
I always jokingly say that Ibasically raised that kid by
myself, even though I was 12when she was born.
Um, She brought her boyfriendover to the wedding and we love
him very much, his name isArturo, he's from Mexico.
(43:33):
So he had like this big Stetson,he's this big jacked Mexican
dude with this big Stetson haton, like a big cowboy hat on.
He's met us, he had met us likea handful of times at that
point.
That man audibly wept throughthe entire thing.
Just, and there was all, there'spictures of him like pulling a
handkerchief out and like It'slike an old Mexican man thing to
do, him and my dad.
(43:53):
Just like, dabbing their eyes.
And then, afterwards he came upto us and goes, This is the
fanciest wedding I've ever beento.
He had some great dance moves,too.
He was crushing it.
He loves to dance.
He loves to Actually, sorry,this is just a good Arturo
story.
We were We went to anotherwedding of another family member
recently, and it was a Jewishwedding, and so they do the Hora
(44:16):
thing where they lift them up,and the DJ goes, I need, like,
six strong men to come help melift these couples up.
He, like, was pushing people outof the way and was like, This is
my time, I want to do it.
Oh, I love that.
Will this, oh, were you gonnasay something?
Nope.
Okay.
This whole time has been superfun, but just to end on a really
(44:37):
fun note, what was, like, yourfavorite part of your wedding?
So I, I know exactly what it is.
Took me a second.
Um, so we had our first danceand I'm just having the time of
(44:57):
my life holding my husband andwe're dancing like this and my
brother who has, um, our nieceand nephew.
He sets my nephew down.
He was our ring bearer.
He was all of.
Two years old at the time and mybrother sat him down for a
moment and Jude ran out onto thedance floor and yells And we
(45:24):
scooped him up because he justwanted to dance with us and so
the three of us dancing like I'mlike I have everything I love
right here in my arms, besidesmy baby niece, Rosie, who's over
there.
But it was just everything I,like, didn't know I needed, and
my friend, Callie, just happenedto capture it on video, and you
just hear her going, oh, youguys! So that's probably mine.
(45:47):
Oh my god, are you kidding me?
Yeah, are you kidding me?
Yeah.
Cause he just, he has this funnylittle way of, it's funny,
funny! Yeah.
Um.
It was very adorable.
Mine was, my outfits, no.
Um, mine, what, there was acouple of really special
moments.
I'm gonna give you two, cause Ican.
Um, one is just, the, the momentI got to, like, take those
(46:11):
pictures with me, you, and mymom in the hallway.
And that, my mom, also not acrier, I like, she was, gave me
a kiss on the forehead and thenshe, I looked up and she was
bawling.
And I was like, really?
Right now?
Um.
And that was really, that wasreally special.
Um, and then, our last, the lastsong we requested the DJ to play
at the end of the night is,Always and Forever, the Betty
(46:33):
Who version of the song.
I love you always forever.
Yeah, so that was, Betty Who'sgot a deep, like, deep vein in
our relationship, um, becausegay.
And So that was like the lastsong we danced to at the end of
the night, and that was justreally, I had that psyched
permanently.
Seared in my brain.
Yeah, I love that.
(46:54):
Everybody give it up for Ben andTony! And thank you for being so
awesome on our wedding day! Youguys made it easy, you made it
easy.
You guys can stay, cause we'regonna do, um, This is the part
of the evening where we'reopening things up for Q& A.
So Kaylee, if you also want tojoin, um, Kaylee helps run all
(47:17):
the wedding aspect side thingshere, so she can also speak to
that.
Um, I do have some questionsthat folks submitted in early,
but let's open up the floorhere.
Do any of you guys havequestions?
I didn't know it was gonna be soofficial.
Um, okay, so I'm speaking as aG.
(47:40):
L.
B.
T.
Q.
A.
person who does weddingphotography.
I know that you said you wantedto keep it in the neighborhood
of, of queer vendors.
How, I mean, is there a spacefor people like me who are in
the alliance, who support youbut I'm not queer myself?
(48:01):
I will say a hundred percent.
Um, I will say, and I think wetold this to Ana when we first
met, so I worked at thatphotography studio.
My whole life, I imagined theperson I worked for, who is a
straight photographer, I alwaysimagined she would take My
photo's that wedding day.
Um, by the time we, we decidedto get married, um, Jamie's
(48:24):
like, oh my gosh, I have awedding that day.
And it was like a different, andso it was in that space where
it's like, oh, we were totallylike, I think we say like, the
LGBT community to end our alliesto where it totally was.
And then it just, so thencoincidentally in all of our,
um, searching and like aestheticand everything, that, that's how
we, um, stumbled upon it.
(48:46):
Yeah.
So the answer is yes.
I think too that falls into likewhat we discussed earlier.
I think that falls into likeIt's so different for every
couple and like what they havecapacity for and like what what
their vision is for the day Solike Some people are like, I
honestly just would feel like,safer with somebody that's like
(49:06):
part of the community.
And some people are like,honestly, as long as they like,
have practice, know what they'redoing, are a great human, it
doesn't really matter.
So, yeah.
Any other audience questionsit's Katie, right?
Kaylee.
Kaylee, sorry.
Um, so, as someone who hosts,or, or at least, um, is a, the
(49:28):
one at the venue working withcouples coming in here, what is,
like, a request you would makeof couples that are hoping to do
weddings, or, or what's a redflag, um, for couples that are,
that are working with you?
Yeah, so I'm the events manager.
I manage everything from salesto the actual execution of the
(49:50):
day.
So I'm working with couples whonormally the venue is the first
thing they book and from thatthey're talking through how they
pick the different venues, whatthey need to do for all of the
different venues.
vendors they have during the dayand from that, red flags that I
always warn is someone who's notcomfortable with talking to you
about it.
If you have questions and theydefault to what I can best
(50:13):
describe is just like, you know,the hospitality front, that's
not someone you want to go with.
You want to go with someonewho's fine with saying, yes, we
love having queer weddings here.
Yes, we love having you here andyou're more than welcome.
Not just we love everyone.
Um, so for that, just askingthose questions and if they're
not comfortable covering thosetopics for you, maybe that's
(50:34):
something that you considergoing with someone else, whether
they're an ally with it or not,they're comfortable covering
that with you.
So my question kind of goesalong with theirs, um, but as
like a queer couple, what aresome questions that you speak to
the venue?
Like, ask them personally, likewhat, yeah.
(50:56):
Specifically to the venue?
Yeah, specifically to the venue.
I'll say something first, andI'll pass it to you guys since
you are the couple who asked.
Um, so some direct questionswe've had.
We've had a lot of couplesbefore, even though we are queer
owned ourselves, not divulgethat information and then gauge
the response before.
So that's something non verbalyou can do beforehand.
(51:18):
Um, especially if you have amore non binary or non gender
conforming name or a way thatyou could use that.
Um, and then when you get there,immediately asking if they've
hosted any other queer weddings,if they have any examples.
If they only have pictures ofstraight cis couples on their
website, that's something thatshould raise a red flag for you
in general.
(51:39):
Um, and if they can't coverthat, asking what non
traditional ways they have goneabout accommodating people who
don't want the full arch, fullceremony.
Um, and they should be able togive you some non traditional
weddings that they have had, orat least, you know, weddings of
different religions, differentcultures.
And if they can't, that's also aflag.
(51:59):
And I would ask how they Withvendors working with them
specifically how they work withthose if they have any
recommendations They can giveyou who are queer because I have
a list of queer photographers.
You're on it.
Hi And different queer vendorsthat I can offer them that
aren't just allies and then Ihave a different list of allies
For those people of differentcomforts But there's not one
(52:23):
person on my list that I wouldnot recommend to a queer couple.
Because if I'm not comfortablerecommending them, they cannot
work with us.
Something I'll throw into isasking questions to about like,
for whatever reason, sometimesvenues are weird about like
getting ready stuff.
So like, obviously, like thespaces, that's a big one that
(52:44):
hopefully over time will changeto be like more, Like neutral
spaces or at least just likedifferent themes versus like,
oh, this is the brada suite andthis is the groom suite But I've
had like a lot of couples saythat Venues are really strange
about like I'm asking to getready together because like some
couples like want to get readytogether and they're like Oh,
(53:04):
are you sure like that's kind ofweird so I think maybe like
thinking through like whatyou're envisioning on your day
and like making sure that youask that to the venue to And I
think you kind of touched onthis, too.
I think one thing, especiallywith the venue, too, is asking
them to see their preferredvendor list.
Not necessarily because, um, youwant to pick everything off of
(53:26):
that, but I think it's alsotelling of a venue, too,
because, like, it's exciting to,like, see anything from queer
businesses to women ownedbusinesses to BIPOC businesses
and whatnot, too, so I thinkthat just, like, tells a lot
about their value systems, too,so that's, like, an easy thing
to ask for and see.
Finding that, like, firsttrusted resource, too, that can
help guide you along the way.
(53:47):
Whether that's, like, the, theperson, um, working at the
event, or the photographer,like, you pointed us in the
direction.
You know, we had some ideas andstuff, but it was, same with our
DJ, she, um, had lots of, uh,options for us, too.
She's like, you know, I know agood person.
So it just, we felt reallycomfortable.
We picked all the right peopleto, like, be on our side and
(54:07):
make this wedding feel like us.
But we didn't feel like we hadto, like, compromise anything
weird.
I never felt, like, I don'tknow, and I think there's a lot
of, like, privilege in some ofthose situations, too, though,
like, you know, someonementioned the bridal, like, I
think Lurkat was like, this isthe bridal suite, and I was
like, that's for me! Um, so, youknow, playing into some of it
(54:29):
probably isn't great, but, um.
Anyways.
You win some, you lose some.
Any other questions?
I guess for you both, um, inwhat aspects did you want to
have like your queer identity oruniqueness celebrated?
And in which ways did you kindof want to feel like we're the
same as anyone else?
(54:50):
Um, yeah.
I will say, so I think some ofthe elements, right, so we like
had a drag queen, you know,that's like a celebration of,
um, kind of the queer community.
I think there were other littlethings that like, how do I want
to, how do I want to put this?
I Kind of felt, and this is likea, maybe an experience, it's
(55:13):
probably just my experience, um,where I was like, I got really
nervous about the whole, like,who's the girl situation, um,
because I know the answer's me.
But like, because, like, I amthe, like, more outwardly
effeminate one of the two of us,and so I think it's easy for
(55:33):
people to point at me, and like,physically, I'm substantially
shorter than my husband.
So I think it's really easy forpeople to point at me.
And then there were things I wasdoing too, right?
So I'm like, um, Wearing allwhite.
Perhaps.
That's maybe one of the things.
But it's like, I want to stillbe a groom.
But be allowed to do all ofthese other things.
(55:54):
Regardless of my gender.
Or like, how I'm expressing mygender.
Like, and Benjamin's always beenreally supportive, and I was
like, well, does this mean,like, what does, and he was
like, this is just, be who youwant to be, and be that type of
groom.
You can define what a groomlooks like.
We, you know, it's 2023 when wegot married, um, we get to
(56:15):
decide, and we're paying forthis thing, we get to decide
exactly how we want, how we wanteverything to go.
And how we want to be referredto, and how we want to present
ourselves to the world.
And for me, I'm also one ofthose people that, like, kind
of, the second part of yourquestion, like, what things do
you want to be the same?
Like, I like to, there's somethings, like, from that side of
the fence, I'm like, that's notjust for straight people, I can
(56:38):
do that too.
So, like, I wanted to, like, youknow, I wanted to go get, like,
our custom suits made at thetuxedo shop I heard about when I
worked at a bridal store inNorth Dakota called Hymie's
Haberdashery.
I'm like, someday, I'm gonna getmarried there.
And I didn't know it would be toa man, but then later Later on I
grew up and I did, and so thereare things like that where I'm
like, I, this isn't just forcertain people, like, I want to,
(57:01):
you know, exchange rings and dosome of these, like, very
traditional, like, things about,like, you know, having a really
cute ring bearer walk down theway and things like that, where
I'm like, this is special to us,and this, we can help define
what weddings are that aren'tjust on one side of the fence,
yeah.
Oh, we had all of our weddingparty to wear tuxes.
(57:21):
Including the ladies, and it wasso chic and cool looking.
So just throwing that out thereas like a hat tip to play with
gender.
I have, uh, some questions thatwere submitted in, unless
there's any more.
Okay, so we are two brokelesbians working in special
education and social work, andwe are just very overwhelmed.
We're like, I don't know howwe're going to afford all of
(57:41):
this, and, you know, not do itby the time we're 50.
Um, so I was just curious, like,in that navigation, because we
all have to navigate, like,budgetary restrictions and
prioritization, how did y'all goabout figuring out what was most
important to you?
And like, where you were willingto compromise, where it's like,
okay, the dream is to have like5, 000 roses hanging from the
(58:03):
ceiling, but I can't do that.
So just curious, like, howbudget and priority is playing
in for you.
So I think it's kind of funny,I'm like using the comparison is
like we start to like considerlike possibly like buying a
house like starting with likewhat are your non negotiables or
your deal breakers and like sowe all said like where do we
(58:24):
want to put our money that islike the most important to us
and so for us like that ourbiggest thing was the venue and
like we are very lucky that thatalso then included the food in
like into what we were doing andthat food was so important and
And then there are the things,like, people put money, you
know, toward the things that areimportant to them.
So, like, for example, whereit's like, flowers were not the
(58:47):
most important thing to us.
But, um, I have a dear friendwho has a well known business
of, uh, Flower farm and we'relike we're just looking for like
really beautiful like simplegreenery on our wedding day And
so like that was like even itwas still special to us, but we
weren't like Prioritizing likesome of the expense there and
whatnot and I will Yes, also saywe decided to like get married.
(59:12):
We got engaged and marriedwithin one year.
And so I will say like I Havenever saved so hard in 12 months
of my life So I had this ideaof, like, you know, just growing
up around all these reallytraditional weddings, being
like, so the invitations aremade of pearl, and then they,
(59:35):
there's seven pieces, and peoplerespond with a little card and a
quill.
Um, we ended up having, uh,Ben's person of honor slash one
of our One of his best friendsfrom childhood and now a very
good friend of mine, like,design our invitation.
So there was, like, things likethat, that, like, ask your
(59:56):
friends to help you with stuff,um, if they have, like, specific
talents.
Cause that's, like, a greatwedding gift is, like, here's
the design to your weddinginvitation.
We had another friend that's anillustrator do some stuff for,
like, us.
Too like that.
So yes, and I say if you haveany extracurricular skill sets,
like anything you can like tradeto in a way that has been
(01:00:17):
awesome too.
So like I did some like, work onthe side and then like got our
invitations like printed and solike, that was like a trade that
way.
So like all those like littlethings, um, you know, you, um,
beg, borrow, barter.
Don't steal.
Steal your way to making ithappen.
I think steal stuff too, though.
(01:00:39):
Like if it's, yeah, steal.
Yes, rob them blind! BK, do youcry?
Um, I do have your invite on myrefrigerator.
I refuse to take it down.
It's, Their invite is so good.
It's so cute.
Yeah, basically justpiggybacking off of what you
said.
Some vendors, like, really arewilling to barter and, like,
(01:01:01):
trade.
Oh, I shouldn't say barter.
Trade.
Um Like someone approached meonce and was like, hey, we're
getting married.
I'm a professional landscaper.
Can I landscape your yard andyou'll photograph my wedding?
And I was like, absolutely youcan.
So I'd say that.
There are lots of vendors whowill do like payment plans, like
splitting things up.
So definitely be sure to askabout that.
(01:01:24):
And then I think they kind ofalready touched on it.
But something that I've heardcouples say is helpful for them
is if you like are picturingyour day and you're like, We can
literally only hire, or pickthree things, like what three
things are those, if like intheory those were the only three
things, even though I'm surethat won't be the case, what
(01:01:44):
three things are those, and thenyou kind of know like, what your
priorities are.
So, coming at it from like alogistical standpoint, because I
have, you know, my higher upspushing this, and they more of
give me the prices.
If you're looking for more of acheaper venue, Fridays, Sundays.
Sundays are going to be morecheaper.
If you go for a weekday, that'sgoing to be the cheapest, but
(01:02:06):
it's going to be a little bitinconvenient for your guests.
From there, you can also editthe amount.
So if you align with our valuesor align with any other venue's
values, use that in yourdigression.
Queer discount.
You can put it out there.
Um, ours will do it.
We get owned by two olderlesbians who got married with 12
people who attended.
(01:02:27):
They're going to do it.
Always put that out there.
The worst you can get is no.
Um, with that, you want to tryto find a venue that includes
more.
So we have, like, our linens, wehave chair covers, we have
decor.
All of our people can use this.
It says on the website you haveto rent it for this amount.
If you ask me to have it on yourday and you've already booked
it, I'm not going to force youto pay me for the linens.
(01:02:50):
And a lot of other vendors dothe same thing.
So just try to be confident withit and the worst you can hear is
no.
I have rejection anxiety.
I'm going to cry when they tellme no and that's totally valid.
But the worst they can say is noand then you can look at another
one.
And you can even come back andthey're going to be like,
wonderful, you decided to gowith us anyway.
And there's going to be noHarfeld on you.
(01:03:11):
We also have our own cateringthat we do, and we have a built
in bar.
Other places do make you chargefor that.
Some places make you charge todo even a tour.
So make sure you're asking allof these questions up front.
I'm not going to think you'recheap if you are, and if you're
worried about a vendor personthinking you are cheap if you're
asking all the prices up front,they don't deserve to be in
(01:03:32):
their spot.
Okay.
Just, um, one quick questionthat was submitted in is, um,
someone wondering about, like,how to talk to hair and makeup
people, um, both about, like,yourself and if you happen to
have, like, a queer Weddingparty?
Did you work with somebody?
I can't remember.
Yeah, did you want to talk tothat a little bit?
So I had someone come in and mymom and my sister were like, we
(01:03:58):
need updos.
And I was like, of course.
Um, and so I went to the personthat cuts my hair.
And I was like, Megan, can youhelp me?
I know you cut my hair and halfof gay Minneapolis's hair.
That's why we all have the exactsame haircut.
Um, can you help me?
(01:04:19):
And she was like, I don't dowomen's hair.
Let me go talk to someone.
And she talked to somebody andshe was like, This person has
done lots of queer weddings,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then, you know, again, Ifound a trusted resource,
somebody that I know is like,somebody that I've danced with
at the saloon, so I know I cantrust her.
So I got some information fromher, and then that's how we
(01:04:39):
picked, um, the gal that cameand did my mom's hair and stuff,
and my sister's hair.
One thing I would just say tothat is, I have actually an
episode about this, so, youknow, feel free to go listen to
my old episodes.
But, um, I wouldn't kind of lookat how like their pricing
structure is to like, if theyare saying like, Oh, I charged
(01:04:59):
this much for brides, but I onlycharged this much for grooms.
Like if they have more of likea, A system that's based off of,
like, length of hair, or like,number of people, like something
that's a little bit moreneutral, because that's just
like the worst when someone thathas short hair but happens to be
a woman gets charged so muchmore because they're a woman,
(01:05:22):
even though they're getting thesame haircut.
So, um, I would just look outfor people who have a little bit
more, like, neutral options inhow they price things.
And also hopefully have examplesof like, a wide variety of
people exhibited in their worktoo.
So, I think we are going to wrapthis up.
Thank you everybody so much forcoming.
(01:05:44):
This was such a blast.
Thanks you guys.
guys.
Hey, what's up?
(00:02):
hopefully you aren't scared awayby seeing how long this episode
is.
It is from the live podcast.
So we kind of broke it up intosome fun little segments.
So hopefully.
You aren't too scared away bythat.
It is super fun.
And I just wanted to pop in herebefore we dive into the live
episode to just say, wow, like,thank you so much to everybody
(00:24):
who came.
Thank you to Urban Growler forhosting and thank you everybody
for participating and submittingthings and just making it so
fun.
Did just want to say, first ofall, I am sorry for the amount
of times I say um, I'm workingon it.
I really am.
So sorry about that.
But then also secondly, this wasmy first time doing a live
(00:45):
podcast as I know I've said, butI really, truly did my best with
the sound quality.
However, I am a photographer,not a videographer slash audio
mastermind.
And so it truly is fine.
Like, I don't think you're goingto be, your ears aren't going to
be bleeding or anything, butit's just, it's a little bit
(01:06):
different.
Um, because we were working withboth obviously trying to project
the sound and then also recordthe sound for later as well, so,
I think it should be totallyfine, but just note that it's a
little bit different than when Irecord my episodes in my little
studio.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope that you make it all theway through.
(01:26):
And, oh, the other thing Iwanted to say was, you know
what, like, editing this wastruly so much fun and such a joy
because I got to heareverybody's laughter playback
and I decided to keep all ofthose moments of laughter in
because it was truly just, like,So fun to be in a room and like
I'll be laughing and I'll bejoking around together and so
(01:50):
Maybe some of you are not fansof keeping that in but I think
it's so fun to like hear peoplelaughing and like hear That joy
being shared.
And so I kept it in.
Sue me.
So I hope I hope that thatlaughter and Some of these
moments bring you some joy.
All right, let's get into it
Anna (02:09):
Thanks for being here, you guys.
Welcome, welcome.
So nice to see you all.
Um, for those who aren'tfamiliar, my name is Anna.
I use she, her pronouns.
I run Wildly ConnectedPhotography and I'm also the
host of Queerly Beloved, thepodcast.
I've had the podcast for abouttwo years now, but this is my
first time doing a live event,so you'll have to bear with me
(02:32):
as I do the live side of it.
But, does anyone else feel likethey need to take a deep breath?
Because Wow.
Incredible.
Um, just a few quick notes herebefore we fully dive into the
podcast.
Um, huge shout out to UrbanGrowler for having this event
and hosting.
(02:53):
Urban Growler does such a greatjob at like living out their
values and practicinginclusivity.
And I've just had such a greattime working with them.
So.
Big shout out to Urban Growler.
Kaylee will be here to answerany questions about, like, the
space or the venue if any of youwant to chat with her, too.
(03:15):
I also just wanted to, before wedive into, say, like, the past
couple of months have beenrough.
I think we've all been feelingthat in different ways and While
I'm so glad to be here with allof you, I also know it's been
rough.
It's been a little bit weird.
And I also just wanted to letyou know I will have a resource
(03:36):
available.
there was an event, um put on byQueerly Beloved, The Events
Company, um, a couple weeks agowith some lawyers just kind of
discussing, like, what's goingon in the world, things you can
do to protect yourself.
So, I will have that up in theshow notes, too, in case that's
something that you've been,like, worried about or thinking
through.
(03:56):
But I think we're gonna have alot of fun tonight.
the podcast is gonna be about anhour long, but don't worry, it
won't be me talking the wholetime.
We're gonna do some, like, funinteractive segments and have a
Q& A panel here at the end.
So, if you have any questions,make sure to keep those in mind.
So, with that, by a show ofhands, who is here is watching
(04:18):
the new Love is Blind series.
Great, great.
I can't say that I've beenwatching the show, but
unfortunately I do know somebodyon the show, so I've been
watching those segments.
Um, and in watching thosesegments, there's this one scene
(04:39):
where they're in the pods, Idon't know, yeah, the pods, and
we'll just, we'll say his name,the character's name, they're
characters in my head, um, Benis talking to Sarah, I think,
and um, she's like, oh I know,like I keep hearing you say
you're religious, like, I justwanted to make sure my sister's
(05:00):
gay, like are you comfortablehanging out with her?
He says, oh, yeah, I have noproblem with people like that.
And then proceeds to say that,like, three more times.
Like, well, I didn't really growup around people like that.
But, like, people like that Ihave no problem with.
(05:20):
Which I'm like Come on, if youcan't say the word gay, or like,
say the word LGBTQ, like, it's ared flag for me, homie.
Um, I mean, he's just a walkingred flag, so, that's another
story.
But, shout out to Ben for beinga great segue into, uh, talking
(05:41):
about red flags here.
I wanted to talk about some redflags, like, in The wedding
world and honestly like eventhough we're talking about
weddings this applies to a lotof other things too, right?
So I think This is important totalk about these in in today's
world, right?
Because I think we're so muchfarther along than we were even
(06:01):
like ten years ago But that kindof leaves us in this interesting
space we're like Don't get mewrong.
There's people out there who arestill very openly like
homophobic But, then there'salso this like, sect of people
who is like, I think I'm gettinggood vibes, but I'm also not
entirely sure.
(06:22):
And so, how, like, what am Ilooking for?
What kinds of things do I askthem to like, really see?
Like, is this person a red flag?
Yeah.
I think that's really importantto talk about, like, in the
context of today, in 2025.
But I also do want to say, like,it's not like any of these
things is like, Oh, well, thisperson did that.
(06:44):
Canceled.
Gone.
Like, there is always room fornuance.
But I also feel comfortablesaying, like, I want to hold the
wedding industry to a higherstandard.
Like, if people can keep up withtrends and change how they,
like, what decor they have orthings like that, then, like, I
want to hold them to higherstandards of, like, making sure
(07:06):
that they don't have any redflags.
so the first one I kind ofwanted to talk about is, um, if
one of two things happens, ifyou're talking to, like, a venue
or a vendor and they're like,well, We don't usually work with
LGBTQ couples, but like, we'llmake an exception.
Or, if they're very much like,Oh, we've never done this
(07:28):
before.
And like, we'll talk more aboutthat later, but if they're like,
making a point to let you know,like, We've never done this
before, and also now we'restarting to get anxious and
sweaty just talking about this.
Might be a little bit of a redflag.
Um, also, like, you should neverbe the exception, right?
(07:48):
Like, you should feel ascelebrated as any other couple,
and so if they use the wordexception, red flag.
Another one that I wanted tochat about is, I think there's a
lot of things that hopefully nowlike venues and vendors that are
trying to like make effortshopefully have some baseline of
(08:11):
like, Showing queer couples intheir portfolio, having space
for like pronouns on theircontact form, and things like
that, that like, in my mind,that should be the baseline,
even if it's not.
Um, so these are things that I'mlike saying, okay, hopefully
people are doing these things,what can we do to go like above
(08:33):
and beyond?
And so one of those things is, Ithink I still see a lot of
people they'll be like, oh, youboth use she, her pronouns,
great, you're both brides, whichis like, we just don't want to
be making those assumptions.
So I would love to see peoplemaking an effort to talk to
(08:53):
couples, like, is there acertain term you want to use, or
how are you feeling about thesewords?
And I think on that same veintoo.
While it's super great andawesome that people ask for
pronouns, something I see a lotis people kind of, like, they'll
do it, and then they'll slideback into the comfortability of,
(09:14):
like, Well, I see this personuses he, they pronouns, so,
like, I'm just gonna stick withhe.
Never use the other one, neveralternate, never ask this
person, like, how are youfeeling with this?
Like, is there something I cando differently on your wedding
day?
Like, maybe that person doesn'tactually want to use certain
(09:35):
pronouns on their wedding daybecause of X, Y, and Z reasons.
So, um, if If venues and vendorsaren't actually, like, making
efforts to, like, check in withyou of, like, how do you
identify?
Is there anything we can saythat would make you feel really
awesome?
Like, it's a little bit of redflag for me.
(09:56):
Something I also see a lot is,Again, there's kind of that like
baseline of people being like,yeah, I'll work with a queer
couple but I'm also going to belike Who is the more masculine
one in the partnership?
Like trying to like fit peopleinto boxes So it's like on the
(10:18):
one hand they're like sayingyes, I'll be inclusive but then
at the same time They're verymuch trying to force people into
boxes, Again, if you're likeseeing people and you're like, I
think this person has goodvibes, but like, Let me just
kind of check in with them,maybe ask them some questions,
like, How would you approachthis?
If they start getting defensive,Probably also not the best,
(10:43):
right?
Like, it's understandable ifpeople haven't had the most
experience, but then they shouldwant to, like, approach that
conversation respectfullyversus, like, immediately trying
to defend themselves or be like,well, why are you asking me
that?
Like, So really pay attentionto, like, how people are having
conversations with you.
(11:05):
Um, so those are just some, somered flags to kind of be on, on
the lookout for.
Um, and I also wanted to talkabout Some beige flags, if you
will.
Um, some things, again, thataren't by any means, like,
grounds to cancel somebody oranything like that.
(11:26):
Um, but I think these are thingsthat hopefully you two, both as
individuals and as a couple, cankind of discuss, like, what are
our boundaries when it comes tothings that we're kind of not
certain about.
And what is our threshold forlike, you know, putting up with
these things, or working withpeople on these things.
(11:48):
I think that's really important,and I think that looks totally
different for every couple.
Like, some couples are like,great, this person's never
worked with a queer couple, butI can tell they have really good
intentions.
Like, do I have capacity to helpthem through that?
Um, I think in my mind, it'skind of like thinking about, If
(12:09):
somebody was like, We need tohave a gluten free wedding
because one of us has a glutenintolerance.
And you're kind of like, well,we really, really love this
caterer.
Like, they're super awesome.
We really love them.
But they've never done a weddinglike that where they have a
gluten free menu.
They're super willing to try,but Am I willing to take that
(12:31):
risk on of like, do I want to bethinking about that on my
wedding day?
Like, am I willing to take onthe risk of like, getting sick
on my wedding day because theydon't have experience?
Um, and I think, again, everycouple's totally different in
like what your threshold andcapacity is, but it's just
something to think about whenyou're kind of like, hmm.
(12:52):
Was that something weird thatjust happened?
Do I want to, like, keep workingwith this person?
So yeah, again, there's nuancewith all of it.
So one of the beige flags Iwanted to talk about is people
that say they're inclusive, butthen don't always put in the
effort of, like, I'm going toactually update the language in
(13:13):
my contracts to not only saybride and groom.
Like, I think that's something Isee pretty often is that people
are like, Yes, we're aninclusive vendor, but then like
won't put in the effort to likechanging things or um, making
sure that everything is updatedbecause in their minds they're
kind of just like, Oh, well, youknow, it's fine.
(13:33):
Like people, people will justskim past it.
It doesn't really matter.
And then I think just kind offollowing up on the point that I
made, um, in the red flags oflike, people, you know, letting
you know they've never workedwith a queer couple.
I think if people approach thatconversation in terms of like,
(13:53):
oh my god, we've never donethis, like, what are we gonna
do, what if there's two peoplein suits and we don't know,
like, which one to talk to more,like, that kind of thing.
But I think If people approachthe conversation in a way
that's, you know, open andtransparent, because I think
that's important, like, Hey,I've never done this before.
(14:16):
And also, I want to listen andlearn from you.
Like, I think there's ways tohave that conversation that are
more of a beige flag leaninginto a green flag than a red
flag.
and the last one is, I know thisone might sound a little bit
spicy, so just bear with me, butsomething that I see a lot too
(14:37):
is people making statements thatare kind of like, Well, you
know, we just love love.
It doesn't matter.
Like, we treat all couples thesame.
Like, we just want to work withcool people, which is like,
great.
That's awesome.
I see what you're saying.
You're on the right track.
And also, um, kind of how I saidearlier, like everyone deserves
(15:01):
to be celebrated the same, buthow that celebration happens
might look a little bitdifferent from couple to couple,
especially as it pertains toqueer couples.
And so for me, maybe it's justme, but for some reason when I
see people saying that, it'skind of like alarm bells going
off in my head of like, Yes.
(15:22):
And also, are you going to beable to like understand that
queer couples are Going througha different experience in
straight couples and like areyou going to be able to work
with them to create a Structurethat works for them and getting
ready spaces that work for themand and things like that.
So those are all the beige flagsthat I wanted to discuss, but
(15:45):
ultimately with both of them, Ithink it's important that you
follow your gut.
Like, if you are, like, seeinggood things from somebody, but
you're like, something's justkind of off, like, that's okay.
Like, on, on your wedding day,you don't want to be thinking
about, Oh, is something weirdgoing to happen, or am I going
to feel uneasy?
(16:05):
Like, Listen to your gut and,and hopefully these remind you
too that like, you're allowed tohave boundaries and you're
allowed to stand up foryourself.
Like if people are being weird,you're allowed to stand up for
yourself and be like, no, likeother couples don't experience
that and I, I don't want toeither.
Obviously easier said than done,but you are very much allowed to
(16:29):
do it.
And hopefully this is just alittle reminder.
So, now that we're all on thesame page about some things to
kind of be on the lookout for, Iwould love to do a little fun
game.
I don't know if any of you knowthis, but I am a registered
officiant in the state ofMinnesota.
Which means that, I haveperformed weddings and heard
(16:50):
lots of weddings, or weddings,vows from couples.
And, um, So we're going to takea little spin on the classic,
like, I do moment.
And we're going to walk throughsome scenarios.
I'm sure you all have seen thelittle paddles.
One says I do, one says I don't.
I'm going to go through somescenarios that couples have
(17:13):
submitted to me of like thingsthey've experienced in their
wedding planning process.
And then also things that I'veseen, like just being in the
wedding space.
This is your opportunity to saythat you've been on a podcast,
because I would love to goaround and come up to some of
you and see what your thoughtsare on the situation.
So, if I come up to you andyou're like, nah, that's okay
(17:35):
too.
I don't want to make anyoneuncomfortable.
Alright.
Everybody ready?
Everybody get the game.
Great.
So, you and your partner, whoboth identify as brides, are
super excited about this onevenue.
The people you've set up a tourwith seem nice.
But when you get to the tour,you see a sign that welcomes you
(17:58):
and it reads, insert bride'sname here, and her prince
charming.
Do you still take this venueinto consider, into
consideration to host yourwedding?
Interesting.
Okay, okay, okay.
What did, what did your paddlesay?
I don't.
Okay, why did you say that?
(18:19):
Mainly because this is my story.
And also, like, don't assumeanything.
Like, it's 2025.
You should not assume, like, thesex of the partner.
Unless you ask the name of thepartner.
Yeah.
Like, don't assume things.
(18:39):
Yeah.
And then, don't, and then theydon't, they didn't say anything
afterwards to apologize oranything.
It was just, they just kind ofmoved past it and it was really
awkward the entire time.
God, and both of you were there?
Yeah.
Okay, so, safe to say you didnot book this venue.
(19:01):
No, we did not.
Okay, great.
Thanks for your participation.
Alright, so, great, that was agreat practice round.
Um, everyone in your family, Hashad a big wedding.
It's been huge celebration Bigdeal, and now it's your and your
(19:21):
partner's turn to have a weddingSo you're excited to have a big
wedding have a big celebrationhowever Your parents approach
you and say um, can you pleasejust like not have a big
wedding?
Can you kind of just tone itdown a little bit like we don't
really want to have any judgmentor like hard conversations Do
(19:42):
you take this request from yourparents?
What does your paddle say?
I don't.
Why do you say that?
Um, I feel like a wedding issupposed to be a big day for you
and your partner, and how youchoose to celebrate that should
be up to you two, not yourparents.
And, you know, you can hopefullychoose to include them in on it
(20:03):
too, but if it doesn't alignwith what you and your partner
want, I think your needs shouldcome above that, personally.
Slay.
Okay, oh gosh, alright, so, alocal venue that may or may not
start with a series of numbersand may or may not end with
post, um, looks like a greatvenue, it's beautiful, it's
(20:27):
gorgeous, but then you click ontheir website and you see this,
the definition, the definitionof marriage is the exclusive
union of one man and one woman,Genesis 2 24.
Do you ask if they'll make anexception for you and your
partner?
Great.
(20:49):
What does your paddle say?
I don't.
Why did you say that?
If you're not going to accept myrelationship, um, even off the
website, then you're, I'm notgoing to give you my business.
That is the right answer.
Although, technically, these areall subjective.
That was still the right answer.
(21:13):
Alright.
You're going to a bridal shopand weren't able to like, suss
out the vibes.
You're like, maybe they're cool,maybe they're not.
There isn't anything on like,social media.
But, you're like, I really wantto try on a dress here.
You get there, and the personhelping you out has a septum
piercing and grey taste.
(21:34):
Do you risk it for the biscuitwith this bridal shop?
Or suit shop.
Or whatever shop.
Great.
What does your paddle say?
It says I do.
Why'd you say that?
Um, you said septum piercing.
I feel like that is the queercalling card.
(21:55):
That I am like, alright,alright, let's talk.
Yes, yes, yeah.
Also the right answer.
Alright.
Okay.
We'll do two more.
Just for fun.
Okay, so.
You meet with the coolest hairand makeup person, like, so
good, very good at their job,she does makeup on her son
(22:15):
because he loves it, great,great vibes.
But then, at the end of thismeeting, she brings in her
business partner, who is also ahair and makeup assistant, and
when you ask the new person herpronouns, she said, what's that?
Do you book this dynamic duo?
Okay, okay, okay.
(22:39):
I'm gonna come back over here.
I feel like it would be a vibecheck.
I, I kind of was flipping itback and forth.
It would be a very, like, bigvibe check of is it, I don't
know, and like, they're open toyou being like, that's what we
all use when we don't call eachother our names.
Or like, or if they are like,oh, no, just like the regular
ones.
(22:59):
You know, it, it's It's about,like, are they ignorant and
willfully so or ignorant andwilling to, like, learn and be
accepting, I think is the vibecheck in that moment.
So it depends on how the nextcouple of lines of that
conversation go.
Do you still feel that way ifit's 2025 and this is, like, a
young person?
Yeah, I'm not going to lie, ifthey're young, they don't get as
(23:21):
much of a pass as if they'relike an old lady.
And I'm like, oh, sweet lady, Ican, I can inform you.
But yeah, no, if they're young,honestly, I do feel like that
changes how I feel about them,like, not knowing about
pronouns.
Then they have less excuses.
Lots of nuance here.
Great answer.
Alright.
Last one.
We kind of already talked aboutthis, so I'll be curious to see
what you all say.
(23:42):
So.
A wedding planner reaches out toa vendor on your, on your
behalf, and they respond with,We, we'll work with gay couples.
We don't discriminate againstcool people.
Do you feel good about workingwith them?
Interesting, interesting.
A lot of similar vibes.
Um, I really think it's anuanced conversation.
(24:04):
You have to have thatconversation of like, looking at
portfolios and having thoseconversations to be able to
fully understand kind of theiroverall perspective.
But if you get that, Like, gutfeeling where you're like, Ooh,
nope, this feels wrong.
Definitely back off and findsomewhere else that is willing
(24:25):
to love and accept you for allthat you are.
Just not, because you're cool.
Because we're not in middleschool anymore.
Also, honestly, what if I'm notcool?
I just happen to be gay.
Like, What does that mean?
True, yeah, exactly.
Awesome.
Well, you all crushed that.
(24:46):
Amazing job.
You are great at playing games,so good job.
Now that we have played ourgame, I would love to invite
Tony and Ben up to the front.
This is a fantastic, wonderful,amazing, stunning, beautiful
(25:08):
couple that I photographed theirwedding, um, a little while ago.
They had just the best day.
And they're the greatest humans.
And so, I would like to ask thema few questions.
But first, can you two just likeintroduce yourselves?
Anything you want to share?
Hello.
I'm Benjamin.
I use he, him pronouns.
Uh, and Uh, we've been togetherfor seven years on Monday, so,
(25:35):
woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Um, and by day I'm a creativedirector, and that's my Bruce
Wayne job, and my Batman job is,um, I teach at the Minneapolis
College of Art and Design.
Hi, uh, Tony Rivera Chose, uh,he, him pronouns.
Um, yeah, we've been togetherfor seven years.
We met at the This might be likediving in, but We met at the,
(26:00):
um, Lonely Hearts Club dance atFirst 2018.
Um We've been talking, like,we've been texting, but it was
the first time we actually raninto each other.
Benjamin can tell you the wholestory later.
But anyways, um, Yeah, and byday, I am a creative project
(26:20):
manager.
And by night, I am exhausted.
Great, love it.
Um, just for fun, do you want totell us your proposal story or
stories?
This is you.
Ooh, yes, I am very proud of ourproposal story.
Uh, Tony made it very clearearly in our relationship that I
(26:44):
would be the one to propose.
And so, and I'm gonna say inmore ways than one, as in, was
told explicitly on more than oneoccasion.
Just really quick, I just didn'trealize how long it would take
you.
Um, Tony is the milestone drivenone of our relationship, where
I'm the one that enjoys thejourney.
(27:04):
So I'm like, what's the rush togetting married?
And, um, so I think Tony wouldsay I didn't know it was going
to take five years.
But, um, you know, give or take.
Anyways, uh, so I told, uh, Igot tickets for Tony's birthday,
that's what I said, to go to NewYork City.
And, um, and then secretly had,um, I was feeling, um, I don't
(27:29):
know, old fashioned and straightin the moment, so I went and
asked his parents forpermission.
And they were like, teared up,and they were like, yes, yes.
Um, and so we went to New York,and, uh, Tony is a big Sex and
the City fan, and, uh, alwaysloves the quote from Carrie
Bradshaw that says, the New YorkPublic Library is home to the
(27:51):
And so I told him we were goingon a tour and we had to wait on
the steps outside, um, and I wassecretly waiting for a secret
photographer to take our photo,uh, but she was running late on
the subway.
So I'm like, man, this tour mustbe running late.
Tony's like, yeah, this is weirdfor like a professional
institution.
And then she texted and said,I'm here.
(28:12):
And so I needed Tony to turnaround cause I wanted to very
like traditionally get down onone knee and I needed him to
turn around.
And so I yelled.
Look, Mariska Hargitay! And hegoes, Where?! And when he turned
around, there I was! Hee hee heehee! Heh heh heh heh.
Did you see me coming?
Um, he started getting realweird for like the last 30
(28:32):
seconds.
So I was like, What is up?
And it kind of was like, it wasmy 35th birthday, So I was like,
it's kind of a milestonebirthday, sure.
Um And, are my parents about tocome around the corner?
Or I like, was it, is my bestfriend secret?
Yeah, I thought there was goingto be like a surprise guest.
Um, and then I realized, andthen I like turned around and he
(28:52):
was gone, and then I justrealized he was like kneeling
down.
And then, like, we both blackedout, and I can't tell you what
happened next.
Thank God there's photos,otherwise I wouldn't be able to,
like, remember anything.
Wow, I love that.
Congrats for pulling it off.
Obviously it worked out.
Um, so that brings us to yourwedding planning.
(29:13):
Um, talk to us a little bitabout, like, what was really
important to you when you wereplanning?
I think for me We, so we had ourfirst date at, let me back up, I
was like very dead set on likefinding the right venue for like
(29:34):
vibe purposes, um, andtruthfully there was one place I
wanted us to get married, and itwas I said this flippantly, but
like maybe a little seriously,where I was like if this place
isn't available we should justgo get married at the
courthouse.
I wanted us to get married atBarler Cott in Loring Park
because that's where we had ourfirst date.
(29:54):
And in my, and I knew they didweddings, and in my head I'm
like this is the, I wanted thisidea of like this intimate
dinner party where likeeverybody was dressed up, and I
was in a tux, and there was likelinen tablecloths, and that
place was, and I also was like,I'm very uninterested in
decorating any place.
And that place you don't need todecorate because it's like,
(30:15):
beautiful.
Um, so I think that was probablymy first like, this is really
important to me in terms of thelike, wedding planning process
other than like, finding someonethat I love to marry.
Uh, yes, I always, uh, thinkthat, uh, venue was really
(30:35):
important, and then, uh, Iworked at a photography studio
right out of high school beforeI went to college, and so, um,
yeah, so I was like, um, venue,food, Which, coincidentally, was
in the same place, because it'sall about the party vibe.
Uh, photography, and then, like,because party, and like, DJ, so
(30:56):
like, those were kind of likethe priority hit list.
And then, um, you know,immediately texting all your
family and besties, like, oncewe secured the location, to be
like, and I hope that you'reavailable before we even save
the dates, because I can'timagine having a special day
without your people.
Yeah, absolutely.
Did you guys have any, like,worries or concerns when you
were planning and how did youaddress that?
(31:18):
So, I feel like there'sprobably, like, two concern
categories.
There's, like, do you have theprofessional concerns, like,
with your vendors, like, we'vebeen talking about and whatnot.
So, like, that, we had noproblem with what so ever,
because like, we knew CafeLercotte had pictures of queer
couples on their website, youknow, things like that.
(31:40):
So that was, that was good, um,we, um, we knew we were hiring a
queer DJ was really important tous that we had been to a wedding
for and we're like, you'reamazing.
And then I think there are likethe worries and concerns more
than on like the family side.
Yeah.
So you had, you're like thefamily side here.
You talk about your big assfamily.
(32:01):
Um.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I saw it midway through.
I was like, I could, I couldkill my mom.
No.
Um, um, no.
Um, I have, there's some familyconcerns.
So, and it's not the ones youmight think.
So, I have a really largefamily.
I have 50 first cousins.
Uh, Benjamin has three firstcousins.
(32:22):
Um, my sister had 400 people ather wedding.
Um, and my mom was like, this isnothing, you should have seen
mine.
And I was like, which one?
Um, and, so they had, so, I'mused to having these really big
Mexican weddings, right?
Well, it was like, the venue wasdictating a lot of stuff with
our wedding.
(32:42):
There was only, I think theywere like, max, and people are
sitting in the balcony, 150.
Um, so they were like 1.
30 on the floor comfortably, Ithink is what it was.
Um, that, which we wanted.
And so I let the space kind ofdictate that, and that ruffled
some feathers.
Um, several pissed cousins.
(33:04):
Um, and interesting because itwas like, we almost had the
opposite problem a little bitthat, and I say this realizing
how fortunate we are, my cousinswere like, I'm sad I didn't get
to be at your wedding.
I think that's a really greatproblem to have, so we, I had to
like, have a conversation withmy parents about this, and it
was like, Either I start pickingfavorite cousins, or we draw a
(33:24):
line in the sand and say like,aunts and uncles only, and
that's the route we went.
So it was just my parents,siblings were invited.
Um, yeah.
I definitely, there were somepeople that were mad at me.
Said that to my face.
So if you divide your weddingheadcount in half and you're
like, Okay, you get 50 and I get50 or whatnot, and then you
realize how big your significantother's side is, you'll notice
(33:48):
that all the friends end up inyour column because family all
shows up in their column.
Yes, and that is accurate.
Um, I was like, I didn't knowthese people until I met you.
They're in your column.
That's awesome.
It was, it was tight in there.
I did bump into a few elbows,but.
It was beautiful.
It was very beautiful.
(34:08):
Um, would you, now like lookingback in retrospect, is there
anything you would have changedin how you handled things or did
things?
I have one that was upsetting.
In terms of like the weddingplanning itself, I think things
went really smoothly, I'll letBenjamin talk about some of his
stuff, but I had a familymember, an aunt, who decided not
(34:30):
to come to the wedding, Um, butalso like, didn't respond to
RSVPs, uh, phone calls or textmessages.
extra hurtful because thisperson is my dad's sister.
She took care of me from thetime I was eight weeks old until
I went to kindergarten.
And like, there was a point inmy life where I like thought
(34:50):
this woman was my mother.
Um, and that was, that waskiller.
So I mean, if I could go backand uninvite her and invite
somebody cool.
Um, but like that one, I mean,there's still a rift there.
Um.
And that is really hurtful.
Um, Yeah.
(35:15):
I joke that I say no notes.
Like I don't think I haveanything I'd change in
retrospect.
It's funny though because peoplecome up to me from our wedding
and like things that they wishthey would have done
differently, like, behaviorwise.
Like, we had a good friendthat's like, I am so sorry.
I, like, embarrassingly fell sohard on the dance floor.
I had a little too much to drinkand was apologizing.
(35:36):
And we both went, we don't knowwhat you're talking about.
So, like, whatever you thinkmade a big splash or something
on wedding day, we're like, no.
And actually, I prefer thisstory where other people know
about it and we didn't.
And we're like, tell us moreabout the fall.
Yeah, there were a lot, therewere a lot of, like, Mom's first
night out's going on at ourwedding.
So there was like, and then soand so was just a mess.
(35:57):
And I was like, I didn't see anyof it, but I love to hear it.
But if there, I said somethinglike the day afterwards, and I
was like, if something wentwrong, I don't know about it,
and I don't want to hear aboutit.
Um, so if there was anythingthat you dealt with.
Don't tell me.
No, it was all great.
Um, this was not on the, on thelist of questions, but I feel
(36:18):
like you just have to talk abouthow the night, not ended, but
you know what I'm talking about.
Progressed, oh yes.
Yes, yes.
Would you share that?
So one of the things I alwayslike think about for weddings is
like, you need to infuse you andyour personalities into your
wedding.
So if there's anything you feelobligated to do, I mean, A, you
(36:41):
decide if you actually do, orlike, how do you make it your
own?
Um, and so for us, we justwanted it to feel like us.
So like, yeah, did I want tohave our recessional be the Star
Wars theme song?
Hell yes! Um, or like, forexample, we're like, on Tony's
side, we're like, uh, how canwe, like, bring the Mexican
heritage to life?
Did we have mariachi at our,like, social hour?
(37:02):
Yes, we did.
Um, we're very, um, obsessedwith drag culture, so did we
want to have a drag queen, um,surprise everyone unannounced
during the dance party?
Yes, we did.
Um, and then, you know, do youkind of say at one point to your
new friend photographer, belike, Yeah.
(37:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, could you just stay a fewmore minutes because I'm about
to go put on an Ursula wig andan Ursula t shirt and a trident
and surprise my new husband witha dance to poor unfortunate
souls because that's who I amdeep down as a person.
Yes, I did.
So I think like finding allthose moments, even from like
(37:43):
the little touches, like Youknow, we didn't work big on,
like, a guest book per se, butwe, I love having a huge
extensive postcard collectionthat I have that are just weird
postcards, and I'm like, I wanteveryone to write us a postcard
that we keep forever instead ofa book, you know?
So I feel like any moments youfind like that Um, I'm here for
(38:03):
it.
I'm cheering you on.
Yeah, I think the So I grew upin a big old Catholic family.
Um, and so it's like, I don'tknow, you know, everybody else
got married in the CatholicChurch.
Wasn't an option.
Though I think my mom literallywas like, I found a priest that
could make I was like, we're notdoing some sort of like
undercover Catholic service.
She was like, I know this guy.
(38:24):
And I bet you he would do it.
But we can't tell anybody.
And I'm like, um I was like, Ilove that.
Um So, like, we had, um, inMexican culture, there is this
thing called the laso, it's verysimilar to, like, maybe lighting
a unity candle, and it, like,went over the both of us, so I
had, and then you do these coinsthat represent prosperity and
your marriage, um, and then wewent and lit, and we got married
(38:48):
in the month of October, so wehad an ofrenda set up, because
for Day of the Dead, and we hadpictures of family members, we
walked over there together withthe laso on, lit a candle while
the music from CoCo was playing,my dad is weeping, um, like with
a handkerchief.
It was very cute.
Um, and yeah, that was, and thenlike our readings too, like we
(39:10):
did pick something from theBible, but then the other one
that you really liked and pickedwas from Winnie the Pooh, which
Winnie the Pooh always makes mecry.
And I had outfit changes.
Yes.
And that was the other thingthat made it real gay.
That was.
Cause I was like, how can Iinfuse all white silk chiffon
see through shirts into tonight?
(39:31):
My mom was like, okay.
It was so good though.
So good.
Well, now that you'veestablished that you're absolute
pros and had a perfect day withno notes, um, what would be your
advice to other queer couplesplanning?
Any advice?
I, I think I have two.
Um, one, keep the money in theneighborhood, and by that I mean
(39:54):
hire queer people, um, to doyour stuff is the best decision.
And then don't let the Like, theparty portion of it, and I'm not
just talking about reception,I'm talking about the whole day,
don't let the planning of thisevent get bigger than your
(40:14):
marriage.
I just, that's the one thing,like, and there were a couple
moments where I got inside myown head and was like, no, we
both need to do this one thing,because I saw it on fucking
TikTok, and then I was justlike, but this isn't us, so
like, stick to who you are, butdon't let it get bigger than
your relationship.
Because after the party's done,you have to go home with this
(40:35):
person, theoretically forever.
Um, and, you don't want to haveany weird fan I don't know, just
don't make it weird.
Um, so I say make it weird.
No, but like I already said,like, find every moment to like
infuse everything that's aboutyou two into the day.
And I also like You know, it'snot just about, like, that time
(40:57):
when, like, the wedding starts.
Like, that whole day is yours,so, like, for us, like, it was
really important that, like, Iwant to go out with, like, my
VIP gal pals and, like, havebrunch that morning, you know?
Like, so finding things likethat where it's, like, no, like,
I want to, like, remember everymoment of the day, and That I
went out to brunch is you'relike locked in a hotel room with
(41:19):
all your people He was like,yeah, we went out to brunch.
I was like, you had time forbrunch this morning?
And he was like, yeah, what didyou do?
I was like started hair andmakeup at 7 I'm like, I did my
own hair! Uh, yeah, and so, Ithink, and then, actually, the
other tip that, this is one thatI heard online, and I did think,
(41:40):
I'm like, I'm totally gonna dothis, and then we forgot the day
of, so for people that do decideto, like, get married in front
of their loved ones and whatnot,um, I heard this great tip that
if you have people standing upwith you, put them on the side.
behind your partner, so you'restaring at your people.
(42:01):
And same thing with like, notthat we did sides, but like,
same thing with like, oh, havethem be on the side you're
staring at.
So, I mean, Tony, I'm so glad Iwas staring at Tony's people who
stood up, but I forgot that Ihave, and afterwards I'm like, I
watched our video, videographer,and so I'm like, I had no idea
that like, my brother was cryingbehind me, which maybe is for
(42:22):
the best that I didn't see,because I turned into a puddle,
but that's mine.
And I was giving him eyes.
I was like, Skylar, stop crying.
This isn't about you.
Um, no, it was really nice tolike be looking at your mom and
like, I don't know.
I, I'm not a crier.
Um, and the one thing that didmake me cry on our wedding day.
(42:44):
is, after I walked down theaisle, Ben's mom hugged me and
said, I love you so much, pleasetake care of my boy.
And I was like, oh, that one gotme.
Yeah.
It was very sweet.
It was very sweet.
There was, I got a lot of cryingpictures.
Tears everywhere.
So many ugly criers.
Oh my god, my niece So, mysiblings are substantially older
(43:10):
than me.
A lot of my nieces and nephewsare adults.
So, context.
Um, I have a niece that lives inColorado.
She's 25 years old.
Um, her and I are very close.
I always jokingly say that Ibasically raised that kid by
myself, even though I was 12when she was born.
Um, She brought her boyfriendover to the wedding and we love
him very much, his name isArturo, he's from Mexico.
(43:33):
So he had like this big Stetson,he's this big jacked Mexican
dude with this big Stetson haton, like a big cowboy hat on.
He's met us, he had met us likea handful of times at that
point.
That man audibly wept throughthe entire thing.
Just, and there was all, there'spictures of him like pulling a
handkerchief out and like It'slike an old Mexican man thing to
do, him and my dad.
(43:53):
Just like, dabbing their eyes.
And then, afterwards he came upto us and goes, This is the
fanciest wedding I've ever beento.
He had some great dance moves,too.
He was crushing it.
He loves to dance.
He loves to Actually, sorry,this is just a good Arturo
story.
We were We went to anotherwedding of another family member
recently, and it was a Jewishwedding, and so they do the Hora
(44:16):
thing where they lift them up,and the DJ goes, I need, like,
six strong men to come help melift these couples up.
He, like, was pushing people outof the way and was like, This is
my time, I want to do it.
Oh, I love that.
Will this, oh, were you gonnasay something?
Nope.
Okay.
This whole time has been superfun, but just to end on a really
(44:37):
fun note, what was, like, yourfavorite part of your wedding?
So I, I know exactly what it is.
Took me a second.
Um, so we had our first danceand I'm just having the time of
(44:57):
my life holding my husband andwe're dancing like this and my
brother who has, um, our nieceand nephew.
He sets my nephew down.
He was our ring bearer.
He was all of.
Two years old at the time and mybrother sat him down for a
moment and Jude ran out onto thedance floor and yells And we
(45:24):
scooped him up because he justwanted to dance with us and so
the three of us dancing like I'mlike I have everything I love
right here in my arms, besidesmy baby niece, Rosie, who's over
there.
But it was just everything I,like, didn't know I needed, and
my friend, Callie, just happenedto capture it on video, and you
just hear her going, oh, youguys! So that's probably mine.
(45:47):
Oh my god, are you kidding me?
Yeah, are you kidding me?
Yeah.
Cause he just, he has this funnylittle way of, it's funny,
funny! Yeah.
Um.
It was very adorable.
Mine was, my outfits, no.
Um, mine, what, there was acouple of really special
moments.
I'm gonna give you two, cause Ican.
Um, one is just, the, the momentI got to, like, take those
(46:11):
pictures with me, you, and mymom in the hallway.
And that, my mom, also not acrier, I like, she was, gave me
a kiss on the forehead and thenshe, I looked up and she was
bawling.
And I was like, really?
Right now?
Um.
And that was really, that wasreally special.
Um, and then, our last, the lastsong we requested the DJ to play
at the end of the night is,Always and Forever, the Betty
(46:33):
Who version of the song.
I love you always forever.
Yeah, so that was, Betty Who'sgot a deep, like, deep vein in
our relationship, um, becausegay.
And So that was like the lastsong we danced to at the end of
the night, and that was justreally, I had that psyched
permanently.
Seared in my brain.
Yeah, I love that.
(46:54):
Everybody give it up for Ben andTony! And thank you for being so
awesome on our wedding day! Youguys made it easy, you made it
easy.
You guys can stay, cause we'regonna do, um, This is the part
of the evening where we'reopening things up for Q& A.
So Kaylee, if you also want tojoin, um, Kaylee helps run all
(47:17):
the wedding aspect side thingshere, so she can also speak to
that.
Um, I do have some questionsthat folks submitted in early,
but let's open up the floorhere.
Do any of you guys havequestions?
I didn't know it was gonna be soofficial.
Um, okay, so I'm speaking as aG.
(47:40):
L.
B.
T.
Q.
A.
person who does weddingphotography.
I know that you said you wantedto keep it in the neighborhood
of, of queer vendors.
How, I mean, is there a spacefor people like me who are in
the alliance, who support youbut I'm not queer myself?
(48:01):
I will say a hundred percent.
Um, I will say, and I think wetold this to Ana when we first
met, so I worked at thatphotography studio.
My whole life, I imagined theperson I worked for, who is a
straight photographer, I alwaysimagined she would take My
photo's that wedding day.
Um, by the time we, we decidedto get married, um, Jamie's
(48:24):
like, oh my gosh, I have awedding that day.
And it was like a different, andso it was in that space where
it's like, oh, we were totallylike, I think we say like, the
LGBT community to end our alliesto where it totally was.
And then it just, so thencoincidentally in all of our,
um, searching and like aestheticand everything, that, that's how
we, um, stumbled upon it.
(48:46):
Yeah.
So the answer is yes.
I think too that falls into likewhat we discussed earlier.
I think that falls into likeIt's so different for every
couple and like what they havecapacity for and like what what
their vision is for the day Solike Some people are like, I
honestly just would feel like,safer with somebody that's like
(49:06):
part of the community.
And some people are like,honestly, as long as they like,
have practice, know what they'redoing, are a great human, it
doesn't really matter.
So, yeah.
Any other audience questionsit's Katie, right?
Kaylee.
Kaylee, sorry.
Um, so, as someone who hosts,or, or at least, um, is a, the
(49:28):
one at the venue working withcouples coming in here, what is,
like, a request you would makeof couples that are hoping to do
weddings, or, or what's a redflag, um, for couples that are,
that are working with you?
Yeah, so I'm the events manager.
I manage everything from salesto the actual execution of the
(49:50):
day.
So I'm working with couples whonormally the venue is the first
thing they book and from thatthey're talking through how they
pick the different venues, whatthey need to do for all of the
different venues.
vendors they have during the dayand from that, red flags that I
always warn is someone who's notcomfortable with talking to you
about it.
If you have questions and theydefault to what I can best
(50:13):
describe is just like, you know,the hospitality front, that's
not someone you want to go with.
You want to go with someonewho's fine with saying, yes, we
love having queer weddings here.
Yes, we love having you here andyou're more than welcome.
Not just we love everyone.
Um, so for that, just askingthose questions and if they're
not comfortable covering thosetopics for you, maybe that's
(50:34):
something that you considergoing with someone else, whether
they're an ally with it or not,they're comfortable covering
that with you.
So my question kind of goesalong with theirs, um, but as
like a queer couple, what aresome questions that you speak to
the venue?
Like, ask them personally, likewhat, yeah.
(50:56):
Specifically to the venue?
Yeah, specifically to the venue.
I'll say something first, andI'll pass it to you guys since
you are the couple who asked.
Um, so some direct questionswe've had.
We've had a lot of couplesbefore, even though we are queer
owned ourselves, not divulgethat information and then gauge
the response before.
So that's something non verbalyou can do beforehand.
(51:18):
Um, especially if you have amore non binary or non gender
conforming name or a way thatyou could use that.
Um, and then when you get there,immediately asking if they've
hosted any other queer weddings,if they have any examples.
If they only have pictures ofstraight cis couples on their
website, that's something thatshould raise a red flag for you
in general.
(51:39):
Um, and if they can't coverthat, asking what non
traditional ways they have goneabout accommodating people who
don't want the full arch, fullceremony.
Um, and they should be able togive you some non traditional
weddings that they have had, orat least, you know, weddings of
different religions, differentcultures.
And if they can't, that's also aflag.
(51:59):
And I would ask how they Withvendors working with them
specifically how they work withthose if they have any
recommendations They can giveyou who are queer because I have
a list of queer photographers.
You're on it.
Hi And different queer vendorsthat I can offer them that
aren't just allies and then Ihave a different list of allies
For those people of differentcomforts But there's not one
(52:23):
person on my list that I wouldnot recommend to a queer couple.
Because if I'm not comfortablerecommending them, they cannot
work with us.
Something I'll throw into isasking questions to about like,
for whatever reason, sometimesvenues are weird about like
getting ready stuff.
So like, obviously, like thespaces, that's a big one that
(52:44):
hopefully over time will changeto be like more, Like neutral
spaces or at least just likedifferent themes versus like,
oh, this is the brada suite andthis is the groom suite But I've
had like a lot of couples saythat Venues are really strange
about like I'm asking to getready together because like some
couples like want to get readytogether and they're like Oh,
(53:04):
are you sure like that's kind ofweird so I think maybe like
thinking through like whatyou're envisioning on your day
and like making sure that youask that to the venue to And I
think you kind of touched onthis, too.
I think one thing, especiallywith the venue, too, is asking
them to see their preferredvendor list.
Not necessarily because, um, youwant to pick everything off of
(53:26):
that, but I think it's alsotelling of a venue, too,
because, like, it's exciting to,like, see anything from queer
businesses to women ownedbusinesses to BIPOC businesses
and whatnot, too, so I thinkthat just, like, tells a lot
about their value systems, too,so that's, like, an easy thing
to ask for and see.
Finding that, like, firsttrusted resource, too, that can
help guide you along the way.
(53:47):
Whether that's, like, the, theperson, um, working at the
event, or the photographer,like, you pointed us in the
direction.
You know, we had some ideas andstuff, but it was, same with our
DJ, she, um, had lots of, uh,options for us, too.
She's like, you know, I know agood person.
So it just, we felt reallycomfortable.
We picked all the right peopleto, like, be on our side and
(54:07):
make this wedding feel like us.
But we didn't feel like we hadto, like, compromise anything
weird.
I never felt, like, I don'tknow, and I think there's a lot
of, like, privilege in some ofthose situations, too, though,
like, you know, someonementioned the bridal, like, I
think Lurkat was like, this isthe bridal suite, and I was
like, that's for me! Um, so, youknow, playing into some of it
(54:29):
probably isn't great, but, um.
Anyways.
You win some, you lose some.
Any other questions?
I guess for you both, um, inwhat aspects did you want to
have like your queer identity oruniqueness celebrated?
And in which ways did you kindof want to feel like we're the
same as anyone else?
(54:50):
Um, yeah.
I will say, so I think some ofthe elements, right, so we like
had a drag queen, you know,that's like a celebration of,
um, kind of the queer community.
I think there were other littlethings that like, how do I want
to, how do I want to put this?
I Kind of felt, and this is likea, maybe an experience, it's
(55:13):
probably just my experience, um,where I was like, I got really
nervous about the whole, like,who's the girl situation, um,
because I know the answer's me.
But like, because, like, I amthe, like, more outwardly
effeminate one of the two of us,and so I think it's easy for
(55:33):
people to point at me, and like,physically, I'm substantially
shorter than my husband.
So I think it's really easy forpeople to point at me.
And then there were things I wasdoing too, right?
So I'm like, um, Wearing allwhite.
Perhaps.
That's maybe one of the things.
But it's like, I want to stillbe a groom.
But be allowed to do all ofthese other things.
(55:54):
Regardless of my gender.
Or like, how I'm expressing mygender.
Like, and Benjamin's always beenreally supportive, and I was
like, well, does this mean,like, what does, and he was
like, this is just, be who youwant to be, and be that type of
groom.
You can define what a groomlooks like.
We, you know, it's 2023 when wegot married, um, we get to
(56:15):
decide, and we're paying forthis thing, we get to decide
exactly how we want, how we wanteverything to go.
And how we want to be referredto, and how we want to present
ourselves to the world.
And for me, I'm also one ofthose people that, like, kind
of, the second part of yourquestion, like, what things do
you want to be the same?
Like, I like to, there's somethings, like, from that side of
the fence, I'm like, that's notjust for straight people, I can
(56:38):
do that too.
So, like, I wanted to, like, youknow, I wanted to go get, like,
our custom suits made at thetuxedo shop I heard about when I
worked at a bridal store inNorth Dakota called Hymie's
Haberdashery.
I'm like, someday, I'm gonna getmarried there.
And I didn't know it would be toa man, but then later Later on I
grew up and I did, and so thereare things like that where I'm
like, I, this isn't just forcertain people, like, I want to,
(57:01):
you know, exchange rings and dosome of these, like, very
traditional, like, things about,like, you know, having a really
cute ring bearer walk down theway and things like that, where
I'm like, this is special to us,and this, we can help define
what weddings are that aren'tjust on one side of the fence,
yeah.
Oh, we had all of our weddingparty to wear tuxes.
(57:21):
Including the ladies, and it wasso chic and cool looking.
So just throwing that out thereas like a hat tip to play with
gender.
I have, uh, some questions thatwere submitted in, unless
there's any more.
Okay, so we are two brokelesbians working in special
education and social work, andwe are just very overwhelmed.
We're like, I don't know howwe're going to afford all of
(57:41):
this, and, you know, not do itby the time we're 50.
Um, so I was just curious, like,in that navigation, because we
all have to navigate, like,budgetary restrictions and
prioritization, how did y'all goabout figuring out what was most
important to you?
And like, where you were willingto compromise, where it's like,
okay, the dream is to have like5, 000 roses hanging from the
(58:03):
ceiling, but I can't do that.
So just curious, like, howbudget and priority is playing
in for you.
So I think it's kind of funny,I'm like using the comparison is
like we start to like considerlike possibly like buying a
house like starting with likewhat are your non negotiables or
your deal breakers and like sowe all said like where do we
(58:24):
want to put our money that islike the most important to us
and so for us like that ourbiggest thing was the venue and
like we are very lucky that thatalso then included the food in
like into what we were doing andthat food was so important and
And then there are the things,like, people put money, you
know, toward the things that areimportant to them.
So, like, for example, whereit's like, flowers were not the
(58:47):
most important thing to us.
But, um, I have a dear friendwho has a well known business
of, uh, Flower farm and we'relike we're just looking for like
really beautiful like simplegreenery on our wedding day And
so like that was like even itwas still special to us, but we
weren't like Prioritizing likesome of the expense there and
whatnot and I will Yes, also saywe decided to like get married.
(59:12):
We got engaged and marriedwithin one year.
And so I will say like I Havenever saved so hard in 12 months
of my life So I had this ideaof, like, you know, just growing
up around all these reallytraditional weddings, being
like, so the invitations aremade of pearl, and then they,
(59:35):
there's seven pieces, and peoplerespond with a little card and a
quill.
Um, we ended up having, uh,Ben's person of honor slash one
of our One of his best friendsfrom childhood and now a very
good friend of mine, like,design our invitation.
So there was, like, things likethat, that, like, ask your
(59:56):
friends to help you with stuff,um, if they have, like, specific
talents.
Cause that's, like, a greatwedding gift is, like, here's
the design to your weddinginvitation.
We had another friend that's anillustrator do some stuff for,
like, us.
Too like that.
So yes, and I say if you haveany extracurricular skill sets,
like anything you can like tradeto in a way that has been
(01:00:17):
awesome too.
So like I did some like, work onthe side and then like got our
invitations like printed and solike, that was like a trade that
way.
So like all those like littlethings, um, you know, you, um,
beg, borrow, barter.
Don't steal.
Steal your way to making ithappen.
I think steal stuff too, though.
(01:00:39):
Like if it's, yeah, steal.
Yes, rob them blind! BK, do youcry?
Um, I do have your invite on myrefrigerator.
I refuse to take it down.
It's, Their invite is so good.
It's so cute.
Yeah, basically justpiggybacking off of what you
said.
Some vendors, like, really arewilling to barter and, like,
(01:01:01):
trade.
Oh, I shouldn't say barter.
Trade.
Um Like someone approached meonce and was like, hey, we're
getting married.
I'm a professional landscaper.
Can I landscape your yard andyou'll photograph my wedding?
And I was like, absolutely youcan.
So I'd say that.
There are lots of vendors whowill do like payment plans, like
splitting things up.
So definitely be sure to askabout that.
(01:01:24):
And then I think they kind ofalready touched on it.
But something that I've heardcouples say is helpful for them
is if you like are picturingyour day and you're like, We can
literally only hire, or pickthree things, like what three
things are those, if like intheory those were the only three
things, even though I'm surethat won't be the case, what
(01:01:44):
three things are those, and thenyou kind of know like, what your
priorities are.
So, coming at it from like alogistical standpoint, because I
have, you know, my higher upspushing this, and they more of
give me the prices.
If you're looking for more of acheaper venue, Fridays, Sundays.
Sundays are going to be morecheaper.
If you go for a weekday, that'sgoing to be the cheapest, but
(01:02:06):
it's going to be a little bitinconvenient for your guests.
From there, you can also editthe amount.
So if you align with our valuesor align with any other venue's
values, use that in yourdigression.
Queer discount.
You can put it out there.
Um, ours will do it.
We get owned by two olderlesbians who got married with 12
people who attended.
(01:02:27):
They're going to do it.
Always put that out there.
The worst you can get is no.
Um, with that, you want to tryto find a venue that includes
more.
So we have, like, our linens, wehave chair covers, we have
decor.
All of our people can use this.
It says on the website you haveto rent it for this amount.
If you ask me to have it on yourday and you've already booked
it, I'm not going to force youto pay me for the linens.
(01:02:50):
And a lot of other vendors dothe same thing.
So just try to be confident withit and the worst you can hear is
no.
I have rejection anxiety.
I'm going to cry when they tellme no and that's totally valid.
But the worst they can say is noand then you can look at another
one.
And you can even come back andthey're going to be like,
wonderful, you decided to gowith us anyway.
And there's going to be noHarfeld on you.
(01:03:11):
We also have our own cateringthat we do, and we have a built
in bar.
Other places do make you chargefor that.
Some places make you charge todo even a tour.
So make sure you're asking allof these questions up front.
I'm not going to think you'recheap if you are, and if you're
worried about a vendor personthinking you are cheap if you're
asking all the prices up front,they don't deserve to be in
(01:03:32):
their spot.
Okay.
Just, um, one quick questionthat was submitted in is, um,
someone wondering about, like,how to talk to hair and makeup
people, um, both about, like,yourself and if you happen to
have, like, a queer Weddingparty?
Did you work with somebody?
I can't remember.
Yeah, did you want to talk tothat a little bit?
So I had someone come in and mymom and my sister were like, we
(01:03:58):
need updos.
And I was like, of course.
Um, and so I went to the personthat cuts my hair.
And I was like, Megan, can youhelp me?
I know you cut my hair and halfof gay Minneapolis's hair.
That's why we all have the exactsame haircut.
Um, can you help me?
(01:04:19):
And she was like, I don't dowomen's hair.
Let me go talk to someone.
And she talked to somebody andshe was like, This person has
done lots of queer weddings,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then, you know, again, Ifound a trusted resource,
somebody that I know is like,somebody that I've danced with
at the saloon, so I know I cantrust her.
So I got some information fromher, and then that's how we
(01:04:39):
picked, um, the gal that cameand did my mom's hair and stuff,
and my sister's hair.
One thing I would just say tothat is, I have actually an
episode about this, so, youknow, feel free to go listen to
my old episodes.
But, um, I wouldn't kind of lookat how like their pricing
structure is to like, if theyare saying like, Oh, I charged
(01:04:59):
this much for brides, but I onlycharged this much for grooms.
Like if they have more of likea, A system that's based off of,
like, length of hair, or like,number of people, like something
that's a little bit moreneutral, because that's just
like the worst when someone thathas short hair but happens to be
a woman gets charged so muchmore because they're a woman,
(01:05:22):
even though they're getting thesame haircut.
So, um, I would just look outfor people who have a little bit
more, like, neutral options inhow they price things.
And also hopefully have examplesof like, a wide variety of
people exhibited in their worktoo.
So, I think we are going to wrapthis up.
Thank you everybody so much forcoming.
(01:05:44):
This was such a blast.
Thanks you guys.
guys.
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