Brian Sack and Jack Helmuth once had a dark and clever TV show that was ahead of its time. Now they have a podcast like everyone else.
A routine descent into chaos takes a hard left turn into something far stranger. Two weeping boys stand at the center of an increasingly surreal landscape as the USS Inclusion hovers overhead, authority figures blur into parody, and even the afterlife starts to feel bureaucratic. Along the way: a familiar face on a billboard dispensing questionable advice, a jus...
Jack and Brian return after a little bit of a hiatus that was mostly Jack's fault. Bu it didn't help that Brian's retina detached while he was busy helping Jamaicans. qmpodcast.com
Brian is no Andrew Tate. Jack is, because he's a misogynist. Jack reads for the audiobook Goldilocks by Zohran Mamdani. Jack was at Brian's wife's birthday party and things happened and then he roasted Brian's wife. Jack reads for the audiobook Tina The Assassin. Brian's son's letter from Marine Corps boot camp. Jack reads for the audiobook Training Your Dog. qmpodcast.com
Jack tries to land Lettuce Paradise as a sponsor. A milestone birthday. A stripper's guzzlebucket. Jack tries to land Lettuce Paradise as a sponsor again. Disneyland rides getting with the times. Jack tries to land Lettuce Paradise as a sponsor again.
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Jack and Brian open with their trademark banter riffing on the episode's tongue-in-cheek title: everyone claims to love vegetables, but nobody really does—setting a playful, satirical tone.
From there, they launch into "Senator Quackers", a political send-up where Jack embodies an absurd candidate (presumably a duck), delivering a humorous yet pointed take on modern election theatrics.
That segues into an audio skit—an imaginative ...
Brian doesn't need pockets. Naked people and a dog in the woods. Jack auditions for "Race for the Presidency." James Corden and crew hid Biden's mental decline. How to trick crocodiles. Jack auditions for "Sherlock's Legacy." Brian was tasked with rehabilitating plastic-polluter Coke's reputation. Timely Shirley MacLaine reference. Jack auditions for "Untitled Zombie Movie."
Brian was a Swallow Scout. Another dead friend. Jack reads for a talking mime. Wilton CT Public Schools love social justice, but not really English. Jack's wife's up to no good. Jack reads for Wild Turkey. Brian talk about his rejected ad campaigns. Jack reads for Kensignton Organic Markets. qmpodcast.com
Jack reads for the Taylor Lorenz audiobook. Brian went on a tornado and flood adventure in rural Dixie. Slugburgers. Jack Junior is an umpire and needs tips. Jack reads for the Lauren Sanchez audiobook. Brian interned for the KGB and was paid in prostitutes. Jack reads for the Body Works School Textbook. qmpodcast.com
Biden campaign revelations from Fight, the book. Brian has too many dead friends. George Lowe's "Medieval World." Brian's to-do list. Secret Gay Cruising Club signal. Welcome Rockets. George Lowe's "Roadway Package Systems." Heightening. Lou Gherig's Uncle's Disease. Jack dreams of Brian. April Fool's Jokes. George Lowe's "Num Num." qmpodcast.com
Brian thinks GTA V has bugs. Jack reads The Real History of World War II by Daryl Cooper. Potential Marine is a wine thief. Speaking Tanya Hardingese. Jack reads Dolly Parton's memoir. A lump on the thyroid. An overly-thorough dentist. Possessing Lena Dunham antibodies. Jack reads Bouncy the Bunny.
Jack tries to land sponsor Everything You Want To Know About Fran Drescher. Jack hurt his brain a lot. RIP longtime pal George "Space Ghost" Lowe. Brian helps people with dementia. Jack tries to land sponsor Madeline Albright. Jack tries to land sponsor Splax. qmpodcast.com
An interview with two of the guys from DOGE. A very special time with Andrew Heaton, author of Tribalism Is Dumb: Where it Came From, How It Got So Bad and What to do About It. https://amzn.to/4bUFDxJ
Jack auditions for Century 22. Jack's wife is a nervous host. Brian's wife has expectations. Joe Biden's talent agent. Jack auditions for Aristartled. The new Captain America. Jack auditions for Allahu Akhbar.
Mouth noises. Jack reads for Frost & Fury. How to extort potential sponsors. Face tats for an edge. How to extort your college admissions. Jack reads for Justice Thomas. The Questionable Material Stock Market Report: Amazon, Proctor & Gamble, Merck. Jack reads for GroverClevelandBook. qmpodcast.com
Jack auditions for WSB-TV. Interaction Night with David Muir. Brian's kid's college hunt. Jack reads for MSNBC. Time machine report from December 2025. Mega Executive Orders. Trump takes Cash App. Jimmy Carter's Superbowl Tribute. Jack reads for KCRG-TV. qmpodcast.com
Brian won a Tony (Gioni). Convincing 18-29 year olds that murder is bad. Taylor Swift's Errors Tour. Jumpy Hawthorne's cadaver ligament. Hot women with speech impediments. German Christmas with a Jew Noodle. Betsy plays ping pong. qmpodcast.com
Jack's testimonial for Paragard. Brian's in charge of fixing New York City's homeless problem. Jack's testimonial for The Carry Collective. Brian is advertising's Mister Christmas. Jack's testimonial for BetterHelp.com
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