January 26, 2024 • 65 mins
As a parent, releasing the reins and watching your child step into adulthood can feel akin to watching them ride a bike for the first time—exhilarating yet heart-wrenchingly nerve-wracking. Elder Darlene Harper joins me in an open-hearted discussion about the challenges and triumphs we've faced while nurturing our children's faith and independence. Together, we uncover the delicate balance of offering wisdom without overstepping, setting boundaries within a Christian framework, and the beautiful, transformative process of trusting in God's plan for their lives.
Navigating the communication channels with grown children can often feel like deciphering an ancient language—each child requiring a unique dialect. In this episode, we reflect on our own journeys through the shifting dynamics of these relationships, sharing personal anecdotes alongside strategies that embrace adaptability and understanding. We delve into the emotional landscape of watching our children make decisions that may not align with our expectations, trusting in the strength of open dialogue and the resilient bonds of family.
The tapestry of parenting is woven with threads of community, prayer, and continuous learning. The beauty of shared experiences in spaces like Queued4Christ shines through as we emphasize the importance of leaning on one another through the parenting journey. In closing, Elder Darlene Harper's powerful prayer encapsulates the sentiment of our episode—gratitude for the guidance we've received and a shared commitment to foster spiritual growth and communication within our families. Join us for an episode that offers more than advice; it offers a hand to hold as we walk the path of raising adult children together.
www.Queued4Christ.com
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO2Vq5bN9L1IxHmN_9ZLSfw
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Hey, hey, hey everyone, this is Keanna, your
creator and your host of Q forChrist, and I am on here today
with my co-host, elda Harper.
I'm so excited.
How are you today, elda Harper?
Doing great, doing great, Gladto be on.
(00:46):
Man, we had did this enough.
Well, we have done it, but justnot recorded.
No, right, I'm excited to be onhere recording with you.
You know, it's been one of thoselong, long times, long, long
wait, but it's back.
Y'all, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
(01:07):
We're going to try to make surewe do this at least once a
month, at least two times amonth, whenever so, but I want
to say thank you to everyonethat has liked, shared,
commented, whatever you've done.
I'm so excited, I'm so happy,and make sure that you are
continuing to do that, ok, andleaving a note or something.
(01:31):
That way I know you've beenthere, ok.
So I'm excited, I'm so excited.
But tonight I'm more excitedbecause we are coming on with
this topic that is going to blowsome of you all's mind, because
I know that if you're around myage, this is something that you
have thought about with yourchildren, and I know we're going
(01:54):
to sit up here and chop it up.
So, before we go ahead andbefore I even display what it is
, I'm going to say a quickprayer and then we're going to
just dive right into it, ok?
So, dear Heavenly Father, Icome to you first.
I want to say thank you.
Thank you for this time thatyou have carved out for us to be
(02:14):
able to get together to discussthis topic that you have
dropped in our spirit.
God, god, we thank you now forthe love and the guidance that
you're going to give usthroughout this message.
God, we want you to hide usbehind the cross so someone can
receive this.
God, god, we want this to touchyour people.
We wanted to get to whoever itneeds to get to God, because we
(02:37):
know that on this day thatsomebody is wondering about this
guidance.
So we thank you now.
We love you, we honor you, wecherish you.
It's in Jesus' name that I pray.
Amen, amen.
Ok, all right.
So I'm jumping in it really,really quick, because it's we're
probably going to be on herefor a minute and I didn't want
(03:00):
to spend no time on giving y'allsome stuff that's going on with
the Cue of Christ.
I don't want to look.
Y'all go to the page, you'llsee it.
So I didn't want to go into allof that.
Go to the page.
You know what I'm saying,you'll see everything.
So, anyways, today God droppedin my spirit that I wanted to
(03:26):
talk about how Christian's momthat are trying to raise grown
children win.
To say win.
That's one of the things that'sreally really been on my heart.
Like I said, I know if you'rearound my age and I mean I'm not
ashamed to give you my age, butI'm not going to give it to you
but I'm up there and I do havesome grown children and I know
(03:51):
El Deharper has some grownchildren and it's something that
we want to make sure that weare guiding them the right way.
We don't want to do things thata handicap them.
We don't want to do things thatwill push them away, so we want
to be able to coach them intothe right way, something that we
(04:12):
didn't have Sometimes.
We didn't have that coachingwhen it came to relationships or
when it came to drugs, or whenit came to music or when it came
to anything.
So now I just want to get onhere and get somebody else to
hey, that's experiencing thesame thing that I'm experiencing
(04:33):
.
I'm going to stop talking.
I'm going to let El Deharpersay a little bit how you been.
First off, I didn't even get toask you.
I did ask you.
Oh man, I'm doing great.
I'm just so thankful for whatthe Lord has been doing in our
lives, the life being the landof the living.
I'm blessed, I'm happy, I'mcontent.
(04:55):
There's some things that youknow I'm working on, working
through, but overall I'mgrateful that I'm not alone in
many of the process.
I'm telling you, because youknow, I know we both have talked
about our grown children andhow you know things that we kind
(05:19):
of experienced, that we havegone through as a teenager or as
a, you know, as a young adult.
But you know, like I said orprevious, we didn't get that
guidance.
We didn't have somebody to say,oh no, you shouldn't do that,
and not to say that theyprobably didn't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm notsaying that, but it was more
(05:43):
judgmental.
You know, don't do that oryou're going to think this is
going to happen.
But now I want to be able tocoach them and you know we,
especially now, since God isreally depositing things to me
where I could be able to hand itto them in a way that I don't
(06:04):
want them to, you know, shy awayfrom it.
You know how the Bible says wedon't want to provoke our
children and so I don't want totell them that.
Oh no, don't do that.
When I did it, you know whatI'm saying.
So I want them to be able toknow that, okay, this is what I
did.
So I want you to be able to,you know, grasp a whole of my
(06:27):
experience so you don't have toendure what I endured.
I saw something today and it wasso profound on I think it can't
remember his name, but I sawsomething on his page and he
said I teach people, I teachpeople things that I to prevent
(06:48):
them from things that I had totreat.
And I was like, wow, that makesso much sense, you know, and
you know, sometimes we, you know, we don't realize that.
You know, experience is notalways the best teacher in
things where you can, when youcan get the knowledge on it.
(07:11):
So I just, you know what?
What are your thoughts on that?
When it comes to that, that,even that topic, you know how
Christian mom, you know, justtrying to raise their grown
children, you know, I definitelythink that it can be
(07:31):
challenging for us all at somelevel, at some point anyway, and
I think that it has a lot to dowith our own background, our
personal experiences, becausewe're all different from one
another.
But I tell you, I think a lotof it has to do with how we have
overcome.
What did we gain from ourexperience and we're talking
(07:54):
about us being Christian mom, sothat also includes what the
Holy Spirit revealed to us whatdid we gain?
Dominion?
Did we go further?
Are we able to turn around andnow teach, or are we still
dealing with some things thathaven't been resolved?
You know that, just, it kind ofputs us in that place where we
(08:15):
definitely have to do somereflection and see, really
figure out where we are in thesethings.
But from the things that we know, that we have developed and we
have conquered and overcome, Ibelieve for every parent, every
mom, that it is on our heart tosee the best for our children.
(08:35):
So we want what's good for them, we want them to be great, we
want them to grow up and be thebest of them, that they can be
the best version of themselves,that they can be impressed, and
that can be really challenging.
So it's like, you know, we walkthrough it a little bit at a
time and something that I'velearned from like just parenting
(08:57):
classes in my past, and I'velearned that it's like you kind
of go off of their lead as faras where to go, what to talk
about.
You know what I mean.
And when those things come up,it's like okay, now I see I need
to go here, okay, it's time togo there, right, I've noticed
(09:18):
when I have said things thatweren't in the timing of, hey,
they need it right now.
Maybe they took it, maybe theydidn't.
You know I didn't always getthe best response, right, but I
will tell you, like, when thingshave been said right in season,
(09:39):
it's been like water to them,so it's just been kind of like a
touch and go.
It's been up and down, but Ijust know that we all desire to
do our best with them.
You know, right, we all desireto share and to give them what
(10:01):
we got and give them.
And I think the good thingabout us, our generation, is
that we this maybe I'm justbiased to us, but I feel like
we're wiser.
We have you might not.
That's the truth, girl, and Imean shout out to the mommas and
the grandmothers.
I mean shout out to them.
But I tell you what I feel likewe have.
(10:24):
We've got something moreadvanced.
We have, right, more propheticinsight and technology that you
know that we can offer ourchildren and pass down to them
through our experiences, like wecan use the revelations that we
have.
Now you know exactly, and Ithink we have more of an
(10:45):
understanding of how to stand upfor them and fight for them and
to you know like, the valueexactly passing this stuff down.
You know that is needed, isnecessary, and it's so funny.
What's that scripture that talksabout talking to your children
when you're in the way, whenyou're standing up, when you're
(11:06):
going, when you're sitting down,when you're eating.
It's like, oh, I know, I knowexactly where I'm gonna find it.
You go ahead and talk, I'mgonna find it for you, though,
because I think I don't say yeah, it's so important that we do
the Rodamy six, six throughseven.
You want me to read it?
It says and these words that Icommand you today should be on
(11:31):
your heart.
You shall teach them diligentlyto your children and shall talk
of them when you sit in yourhouse and when you walk by the
way and when you lie down andwhen you rise.
Is that just going to use mymind?
Yes, ma'am, oh, absolutely.
I believe that, given theframework, like the word already
(11:51):
give us the framework, meaningset up the expectations.
I mean, these kids need toalready be expected.
This is what we do, this iswhat and the thing about it we
have to live by example.
Yeah, I was listening to youwhen you said that we have
gotten that revelation.
I remember us talking aboutthis the other day, about you
(12:15):
know, when we noticed somethingthat our children is displaying
that we had.
We got the blueprint, okay, sowe got that playbook.
So now it's time for us to handit to them and say okay, when
you experience this, this iswhat you do, and it's almost
(12:35):
like you know.
When I can't remember Now I'mlike you, that's future when I
want to say it was Elijah whenhe was Elijah, and Elijah when
Elijah was hearing the voice.
What is it?
Elijah, I can't remember, buthe said go back.
He was telling him what to do.
Okay, here it is for us again,this is what you do and so
(12:59):
that's what you know.
When we can realize our childrenare experiencing some of the
same stuff that we experiencedwhen we were children, and even
now, as our grown children, Isee some of the same things that
I went through as a, as ateenager, or not necessarily a
(13:20):
teenager, but in college that Iwent through that I'm like, okay
, let me, let me tell you what Idid wrong and I want you to run
this play.
Don't run that play that you'retrying to run because you know,
and my one, of my, one of myteenage well, she's a teenage,
one of my college students,daughter is a football.
(13:43):
She's.
She's football for daddy.
So for me, speaking that thatterm will probably catch her be
like, oh, don't, okay, well,what's the play?
You know what I'm saying?
What's the play?
And so that's the main thing isis being able to show them what
the play is, okay, so, um, Ijust came up with a few things
(14:09):
that, um, we can as Christianmom, so we can learn how to set
boundaries, because I don't wantone thing that I want, don't
want to do is to handicap them,because I can't do everything
for you, but I also want you torealize that I'm here when you
(14:30):
need me.
You know what I'm saying, thatthe words that I'm saying to you
is something you need to listento.
So, on that note right there,before you even go to it, and I
think that that is, and, as youwere saying, that is like I was
thinking about trust.
You know, they still need totrust us, even in their young
(14:51):
adult age, right, you know, justas they did when they were
younger children, because he,what was best for them we, we
know was best for them by way ofthe Holy Spirit, but, you know,
we, we still have that voiceand that's why I believe that
the scripture set it up the wayit did, because that expectation
should always be there to talkabout these things.
(15:14):
Right, this is how I alreadysaid it into being, so that
trust should never be diminished.
And we can talk about this parta little bit later, we can deal
with a little bit of thechildhood trauma things, because
I do believe that you know,there's some reasoning in there
why they may or may not have anopen ear.
We can touch that Right.
Right, and, and that's so good.
(15:36):
And I thought about somethingthat you told me years ago oh,
my God, I don't even know howmany years ago this was, but we
were talking about my nephew,the one that that lives with us
and you were saying that all wecan do is plant the seeds and
water them and then watch it,watch it grow later.
(15:58):
And so that's that, thattrusting part, that believing
and that hoping that, okay, I'm,I'm instilling in you and I'm,
I'm depositing you what the HolySpirit is telling me to do, but
all I could do is is watch itand so, and and, just like a
plant, sometimes we have to goand trim them, sometimes we have
(16:20):
to go and take out the badroute and we have to go and do
whatever, but sometimes we haveto just step back and just let
it grow and talk to it.
I don't remember somebodysaying you got to talk to your
plant, you know, like talk to ityou for real, like okay, so
sometimes we have to just stepback and talk to it.
(16:40):
So that's so good, though,about the trust, and I'm going
to come back to you, becausethat was one of the questions
that I was going to ask you,jump.
Oh, I love it though, I love it, though, I love it.
So, but one of the one of thetips that I that I found that it
was saying that we have torecognize their adulthood.
(17:03):
Okay, and, and that is thatcould be the hardest thing for
us as moms, or even as parents,because I mean, I can only speak
for a mom because I'm a mom,but for moms it can be the
hardest thing because for yearswe don't have to do everything
(17:27):
for them.
Like you know, and I know wewere military wise, so our
children depending on us alittle bit more when you know,
our spouse was gone and we hadto do everything for them.
So when we get to that point ofthat crossroad are saying that,
(17:50):
okay, they really adults.
So how do you, when you startedwith your, you know,
transitioning a teenager toadult, how did you started to
recognize that they were intheir adulthood?
(18:10):
So for my two college girls itit really took more stuff
because the dynamic of our homewere totally comfy, with us
doing everything they this iswhat it was, you know coverage,
(18:30):
sheltered mom and dad.
They've got it, you know, right, more so, like we had to now
begin to verbally instill thatmindset being to talk about it,
start to speak out what that,that expectation looked like,
the things that they were goingto have to start doing.
And so, once they startedcatching on, because for them,
(18:51):
it's like speaking a foreignlanguage.
Oh, now I have to do this.
These are the expectationscoming out.
This is the responsibilitiesthat I have.
You want me to do it.
I'm supposed to know how to dothat.
What are you talking about?
You know, so that was that washard for them to stomach and to
handle and digest.
But when they started catchingon, this is where I think the
(19:12):
transition really startedhappening for real.
Right, when they caught thevision to start to recognize
themselves within themselves.
Okay, I've done the things.
I've started to do the thingsthat you have told me to do.
Now I have taken ownership.
Now I am the one who isresponsible.
Like, I get it Right.
Now we're carrying this.
Now I'm doing it more often.
(19:33):
So what comes with that is thisconfidence, is this level of
okay, I'm grown now, right, so Ithink that is that's what plays
into okay, the I want to sayentitled.
But it definitely gives themthis, this air of I'm doing this
(19:56):
now.
So for me to actually watchthat happen and to see that
happen is it's like okay, allright, I got to be okay with
this, because this is what wetalked you to do, and you need
to be doing that Now when itcomes to the different things
that they have been taughtacross the board.
(20:18):
There's a lot of things that wehave taught.
I would love to see all of thethings being attended to the way
that they were taught, butthat's not always the case.
I'm not.
That's not always the case, andyou know.
And so they're not meeting ourparental expectations, our hopes
, our dreams, our desires.
So that's been kind of like allright, help me, lord.
(20:42):
I got to be, help me to.
You know, still be able to talkwith them and not get an
attitude, not take it personally, not be hurt, really just not
be offended, not be like though.
You just going to be like thisand not what I know you can be.
You know judgmental, not bejudgmental, you know right, be
(21:08):
like you don't get it, you know.
And so, right, you know, though, those have been some hard
conversations, but I'm but thatis part of it, all of it is part
of it.
So that has been how I'verecognized the scene that shift
of when they have now takenresponsibility and they carry
(21:30):
themselves differently.
They're, they're, they'remindset is different, and so it
just come with some extra flavor, right, and especially because
you have, you have daughters,and I have one son that you know
when I recognize his adulthoodI think it happened fairly early
(21:53):
to me because he was alwayskind of like you know his own
little, his own little boss, ifyou may, if you may, okay, so
you know, recognizing it for mydaughter, like you, like you
said it was, you know they can't.
You know, she kept coming to measking me for this, doing this
and doing that, but when Irealized that, oh, she didn't
(22:16):
really need me, you know whatI'm saying it was almost like
when you, you know theytransitioning from a baby to a
toddler.
You know, every transition is alittle bit different, you know,
even when we send them to pre-Kor kindergarten, he's like, oh
my God, baby, it's getting sobig, you know.
(22:37):
And then we, then we recognizeit.
And so, recognizing theadulthood, I feel like it's one
of the it's.
It's a beautiful and hard thingat the same time, because you
can't just come in and saysomething about everything,
(22:58):
right, but then it's like, okay,that's, that's the whole thing.
It's like when, when do I say,okay, well, you're a dog now.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, dude, you, you made thatdecision, so you made that
decision.
You know, don't come to me allthe time, but that's where we
have to learn and create thosehealthy boundaries.
(23:21):
Okay, um, I don't want to.
You don't want to just pushsomebody off, really and like,
throw them off the cliff and say, okay, you know, I saw you just
swim, so go on, jump in thewater, you know, or whatever,
but now you want to, now youwant to recognize it, and and um
.
So the next thing is they weresaying, is that to communicate
(23:44):
openly and this one right hereis, like you said, those tough
conversations that you've beentalking about you have to have.
So, um, what are some of the,the tactics that you have had to
(24:05):
have when it came to trying tokeep the communication open with
your adult children?
Because I thought mine is likemine would tell me everything,
and sometimes I have to be likeI don't know if I, I don't know
if I want to hit it.
So what are some tactics thatyou have had to have when it
(24:26):
came to that?
And you know what?
Again, I think a lot of thisgoes back to the relationship
that you have with your children, the, the like who they are who
you are like.
You got to know yourself andknow them.
So that dynamic is is differentfor each family.
So for us, um, so each daughteris actually different.
I have one that's moreforthcoming with lives, you know
(24:49):
, ups and downs and anddifferent things to talk about,
and I have another one where Ikind of got to pull it out of
her a little bit more.
Um, but once they get startedit's it's like super analytical.
You know, I gotta be ready, Igotta be like right, Shoot it up
.
So I would say with, I wouldsay, knowing understanding each
(25:18):
one and myself, and I end uplearning my real feelings as I'm
talking.
So a lot of it has kind of beenlike on the fly, as it went on
the go.
I will say, when I recognize myheart response, how I feel in a
moment, in a situation when I'mactually talking about a
particular thing, I may start ina little bit and I may back out
(25:44):
.
You know, as you know, whenwe're not ready to talk about
this just yet, so I'll kind oflike test the water.
So I guess that would be one totest the water that is so good,
oh, my goodness, let me docheck and see how far we want to
really go with this.
Oh right, and a lot of times Ihave noticed where the world's
(26:08):
influence has affected mychildren and I'm thinking I'm
talking to them and we on thesame page and we are not.
So that's when I coverdifferent mindsets and
ideologies and things like thatand I'm like, ok, now I have to
go back again.
So I'm noticing, for me there'sa lot of coming in and then
(26:31):
going back out, like a lot ofcoming in and going back out and
seeing how I need to adjust.
So for me it's to adjust.
And in those conversations andthen one that I had recently,
like today, even before we justrecorded, I realized I just had
to.
I noticed I had been putting onlike baby box and gloves, you
(26:54):
know, like a soft palm, mintright, and I started, I took, I
was courageous in this momentand still because I think us
moms a lot of times we take moreof the hit or the burden, more
of the responsibility for howthese situations go.
(27:15):
But, as I told my number twoone today, I'm like you know
what?
You're old enough to startpaying attention to your side in
this and to begin to noticewhat's happening and take
ownership for your part.
But what it means is that yougot to be ready to investigate,
you got to be ready to go on ajourney, you got to be ready to
(27:37):
check yourself out and seewhat's really going on, how I
feel, what I'm putting in, whatI'm putting out, what is my
output, what am I giving off topeople, what am I?
You know so.
So I would say, for that onewould be like to be ready to be
vulnerable and but also ready tosay what needs to be said, even
(28:01):
if it's hard, you know, for theas a mom as yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's so true.
And I was just thinking aboutit because, like you said, when
we have to kind of test thewater and you know, we know what
the truth is, but we want totest them to see if they know
(28:24):
exactly what the truth is.
And I was pulled up thescripture and say, in third John
one and four I have no greaterjoy than to hear that my
children are walking in thetruth.
And that's one thing that, asparents, when we communicate
with them, we want to know thatthey say oh, yeah, I don't
really, I don't, I don't, Idon't like to smoke.
(28:44):
No, we, because this is this,because I know that it is wrong
because of this, and that's onething that, as parents, you want
to know.
That, ok, that, even though youdon't know you're not there
with them 24.
Hey, you're not there with them, you can't sue, but you know
that if you could communicatewith them openly and they can be
able to express that they arewalking in that, true, they are
(29:07):
walking in the way that, ok, mom, I know how to pray that show
you that, that what I justshowed you is what is what is
right.
You know what I'm saying.
You love that.
I know, and we, and I know and Ican't speak for fathers, but I
know fathers are like that toothat their children are doing
(29:29):
something that they have really,really communicated with them.
You know, like, son, make sureyou do this and make sure you do
that.
You know, and I think that thatis that is so important when it
comes to, like you know, myPasadena always say coaching,
because you can't tell them whatto do now, you can only kind of
(29:51):
coach them into the rightdirection and and that, man,
that is so.
That is so true and so good.
You know, absolutely, becauseyou know we can't always like
you say, and that's where theboundaries come in, because we
can't always overstep, becausenow they can make decisions for
themselves.
So it's like we that coach.
(30:15):
It's us, you know, not givingthe full on lesson as much,
because the teaching time hasbeen given Exactly.
It's time to see what you knownow, what you have Exactly have
to learn how to switch that hatand say, you know, hey, with
(30:37):
that tester proctoring season,like OK, what do you have in you
?
And if we don't switch that hat, it will be hard.
It will be because when we'refull on mom mode, we want to
just give it all out and justyou know, like, even if we have
(30:58):
to yell it, it's almost like Ineed you to understand it.
Don't work that way in thistime.
It just Right.
We have to let go of thosetools and get some new tools.
And so, even though we'recoaching, it itself is huge,
right, because the wholedifferent postures, the whole
different mindset, and so now wegot to go home, and so now we
(31:19):
got to go forward with even,like you were talking about
learning, about communication,and even the next thing we're
about to go into, right, yes,yes, I mean, and, like you said,
we got to learn different tools, different skills, different
ways.
I often talk to this and it'sjust so funny that we talk about
communicate openly, because Ihave a teenager, or you know, I
(31:42):
got teenagers and a preteenagethat listen to TikTok and I said
, oh my goodness, I need tocommunicate in TikTok language.
You know what I'm saying,because sometimes I'm like
trying to talk to them andthere's just buzz out with a
TikTok song and I'm like what'syour talking about?
(32:03):
I'm sorry, and I'd be like, oh,it's a TikTok, OK, goodbye.
You know, and and it just youknow, communication is key in
learning how to speak theirlanguage.
You know, because if we don'tlearn how to speak their
language, if you don't recognizehow your children are
(32:23):
communicating to you, thenyou're going to be blind, you're
going to be fussing, you'regoing to be arguing, you're
going to be stressed because youdon't understand that my child,
this is how my child speaks.
That way you can know like, ok,when they come to you with a
problem, ok, let me speak theirlanguage.
You know, because the Biblesays that you know how he had
(32:45):
changed the language so, people,they can understand their own
language.
So we have to be able tounderstand that our children,
they, speak different languages.
So we, we speak in mom language, we speaking, oh, I didn't do
that, been there, done that, gotthe t-shirt for it, you know,
but they like, no, let me dothis.
(33:05):
And so that that leads us tothat next thing, we have to
define your limits to what tosay, when to say it and how to
say it, because sometimes we,you know, like you say, when you
get in mom mode, sometimes youoverstep that limit, you know,
(33:25):
and, and a lot of people youknow, and I've heard this out of
the I'm your mama all the time.
Ok, true enough, don't get mewrong, you know, but it is a
certain time when you got to sayyou know what, and that's my
limit, let me, let me step backand let me let you, kind of, you
know, blossom into the part,the tree of the fruit, that of
(33:51):
my labor, because, guess what?
I already planted that seed inyou.
So I'm going to just define mylimit right now and I'm going to
let you grow into that person.
So, what, what, like what andwhen have you noticed that?
Ok, this my limit.
Let me, let me be quiet.
(34:14):
You know there's a certainresponse that each one of mine
will give.
They have their own way ofcommunicating with me.
Like you said, they're speakingtheir language and right on,
it's almost like they're walkingright up to the line of being
disrespectful and I have torecognize that, like you're
(34:38):
trying to tell me, mom, I'veheard enough.
But I've tried not to be rude,but this is how I know how to
say this right now, you know,because they're learning how to
communicate too.
So they don't know how to turnaround to you and looking in
your face and say, mom, I'mgrowing.
(34:58):
Right now I don't know all theanswers.
I can only take so much of whatyou're giving me.
Give me a moment, give me acouple of weeks or so to work on
that and I'll come back and wecan have this discussion again.
They don't know how to do that.
They don't know how to do that.
They're gonna say somethingcrazy.
It's gonna be something Right,something you know in their form
, and it's like you know uscatching on to it would help us
(35:22):
out and not taking offense, andI think that for me, that's
probably been the biggest thingis to not respond Like I'm gonna
be, like you know what youabout?
To lose your teeth, you know,you know, you know I'm gonna get
you, buddy, because, look, letme tell you, my grandmother is a
hundred and she's about to be ahundred and one.
And do you know, my mom isstill scared to stay so in front
(35:47):
of my grandmother.
See what I'm saying.
My grandmother, she be like I'mthe mom, she's still ten of now
After as she bought a hundred.
Well, she'll be a hundred andone in a few weeks and so she
just, and the thing about it,they do still have that, okay,
(36:08):
that fear, cause they know wherethey can take us to.
You know what I'm saying.
They know exactly.
Okay, I done made my mama mad,so let me, you know, let me kind
of back up, but, like you said,you have some ones that are
kind of get so close to thatline where it's almost like
disrespect and you be like holdup.
I think you forgot, did youforget?
(36:31):
It's literally, and it's socrazy because you won, and I
think that's where the, the, the, the wrestle comes in with
being an apparent, because youwant to keep that door open,
exactly, exactly, exactly, and,and you know, we want to sit
(36:51):
there and sometimes we take more.
Now, when you get older and Inoticed my, my, my older
children will be like oh, youjust so stop, you, let them stay
in.
And I said well, you know it'sdifferent now you know what I'm
saying.
Like totally different.
I learned a lot, I'm wiser, I'ma different place in my life.
(37:15):
I'm not the same person.
Like that is exactly you know,and I was.
I read the scripture and say aproverb 2917,.
Discipline your children.
They would give you peace, theywill bring you the delights you
desire.
So it's like you knowdiscipline them already.
So we know that they'll give uspeace.
But then sometimes they, they,just they go, they, they touch
(37:39):
it, don't, don't touch it, don't, don't touch it.
So it's like you know, and it'sone of those things that we, you
know, like, like we were saying, is that you know you have to
define that limit.
That, okay, I know that you are, you are grown and I know that
(38:00):
you're going to make your owndecisions.
And I know that is nothing thatwe can do as as as a mama.
It's nothing that I could do asa mom right now to to just kind
of change your mind.
But just listen to me, chad,please just listen to me, you
know so, but man, I'm tellingyou that is so good, it's really
(38:26):
something when you recognizethat you, it feels the
transition feels like yourinfluence is waning, right, but
in reality it isn't waning.
We, it is now different, and soit's really like the same but
(38:51):
different.
And the and the and the fact ofthe matter is is, like we
already said, we have to let goof our old methods and really
take a different approach.
Right, that is everything.
Because it's like I feel likethat's kind of where that, that
frazzled moment happens, when weare still trying to use older
(39:15):
methods or things that we'vedone before.
They may have worked in thepast, but it don't work this way
, like no it, you have to let itgo, because you want to, you
want to be an example.
Especially we're talking aboutGodly Christian parenting rights
.
We want to respect them, wewant to tell them that their
opinion is there, is valuable,that what they have to say, even
(39:39):
if it's about us, right, and tohear it.
We don't want them to shutinward and close the doors of
their hearts, you know, towardus.
So it's like we, we may have todo some, make some adjustments,
and that's okay, you know, butstill recognizing, yes, we still
have influence.
(39:59):
So, seeing what that looks like, what does it look like now?
Okay, so when I say something toyou, now that I have honored
you, I'm treated with you withsome respect.
I'm now expecting you to alsolisten to me, now as an adult.
(40:20):
Like, even their mode andposture has to change in
listening to us.
You're an adult now, so youhave to hear me as an adult,
like as a grown woman, like, sithere and have your ears open,
and not as a youth, like a fool,dismissing what you're saying
(40:41):
and that kind of thing.
But to understand that, okay,my mom still has something good
to say to me.
My heart should be open, myears should be open to listen.
You know, and that's why I wassaying before, like we may need
to have some other discussionsbefore we even get to talking
about the things that we reallywanna say.
(41:04):
And, as it pertains to coachingthem, right, we may have to get
over some hurdles first, right,right, right.
And that really leads into thenext point is listening to their
point of view, because you know, like you say, they have to be
able to listen to us just aswell as we have to be able to
(41:25):
listen to them and be able toand listening to their point of
view is different now, like youhave to approach it.
Like you said, you can'tapproach it with the same method
as you did when they were underyour control or under your care
.
You know, and that's anotherthing I wanna talk about is that
(41:48):
you know they live it with you.
Like how do you distinguish?
You know what I'm saying Like,how do you distinguish that you
know?
So you know and I guess you cankind of expand on that, because
I don't have one living with me, but I do have one that depend
on me a little bit more but howdo you like, when it comes to
(42:11):
that where you wanna listen totheir point, but you're like you
live it in my house, so I needyou to listen to one of you, I
need you to listen, okay, ooh,ooh, so cringy, it's just, it's
been a time, I tell you because,all right.
(42:32):
So I think for us parents, it'slike we got a process, it's like
kind of, we got to update.
So, like we mentioned, we havemore revelation, we've learned
new things, we so because thefact that it's like on the job
training, like you're learningas you're going right On the job
(42:52):
training.
So these pressures, theserequirements that you now have
to fulfill as far as like havingan answer, having a approach
and a system of how to go about.
Okay, we're living together asa family, but you're an adult
and I still have some standards,you see what I'm saying.
So it's like the things that wethe leniencies or the wisdoms,
(43:17):
or the things that we havebrought into our current
parenting, those, the otherareas that haven't been touched
on yet, which is the newcircumstances, the new
situations.
They have to be updated,because the thing is is that you
may now realize that you'restill feeling some.
There may be some old toolsthat are in other this place.
(43:41):
You see what I'm saying.
So, when it comes to when you'recoming home, when it comes to
what's allowed in my house, howfar are you going with what do
they call it PDA?
You know how much of that do Ifeel like looking at every day
and you know what I mean Thingslike that.
We have these boundaries likeour real thing, but what I'm
(44:04):
saying is that the believersthat we are now, we are not
those people that we were whenwe were younger.
So it's like we have to comeinto agreement with what we feel
and think now, right, exactly.
So, like you said not judging,you know, okay, because we
(44:28):
recognize that we were waydifferent than our kids.
I feel like in our situation wewere worse, like.
Our kids were like friend, goodwhere to you know well, we were
, wow, why were we even tripping?
But we still at this place,still are not even in a more
(44:50):
better way, a more excellent way.
I was like I have to let go ofwhat I almost like an unlearning
and a learning.
It's like our parental process.
The system got to come on andcatch up, okay.
Then we got to communicate thatto them and let them know why
(45:12):
we think what.
We think Right, what?
Because we have to settleourselves Exactly and be honest.
But then we have to be kind toourselves as parents and we got
to be honest with ourselves, notto people, please, because
we're afraid they go, that wemight be doing too much, but
because the other aspect theother end of that aspect of that
(45:33):
is the honesty part might showus that we have not quite come
to come to a new and betterplace.
We may still have an obsolete oran equated kind of mentality
about some things.
(45:54):
Right, and that's real, like,even with today's social issues,
like you have to literally talkabout themselves with yourself,
your lore, process it with yourfriends.
We need support groups when itcomes to this kind of stuff,
especially if you're single.
You know what I mean.
Right, oh, my goodness, youknow we gotta talk about these
(46:15):
things and like really discoverthem.
How do I really feel about this?
Right, what am I okay with?
And then, when you finally havesettled yourself, then, like I
say, communicate those thingsand let them know and at the end
of the day, ultimately they'regonna have to be okay with
whatever you set out.
You know, as long as you're not, you know They'll have to be
(46:36):
okay.
But as long as I feel likewe're in the okay bounds, if
they're heard, if they're seen,if their desires have been taken
into consideration, if we havedone all that we can do to I
don't wanna say like compromise,but come to a safe and healthy
middle ground, right, right,like that's important, you know.
(47:00):
So it's not just all parentalone-sided Right, so that, like
it just has to happen.
The whole sum of all of theseskills they come into play.
Yeah, that's that happened, andyou know, and, like you said,
(47:20):
we have to, because that'sreally the last point is how we
acknowledge our mistakes.
Like what we did, we got torealize, okay, are we still
thinking the wrong way?
Like what is you know?
What are we're thinking about?
Certain things about, becausethis time is different than our
(47:41):
time.
Our time is totally different,totally different, different
beats all again.
And the thing about it, onething that I can say about this
time, is that if you don'tcontinue to keep updating with
the technology, then you aregoing to be left behind.
(48:02):
But one thing about thetechnology that I like is that I
get to have, you know, my adultchildren location.
I need to know, you know, Idon't have to be there with them
, but I know where they are.
You know what I'm saying Prettymuch at all time I can look up
and say, oh, okay, they she atthe door.
Okay, you know.
(48:23):
And so we have to be able toaccept the times, you know,
especially the technology timeswhere we can utilize it.
You know, and a lot of peoplethey be so set against it, but
you know, our times, ourmistakes, were so totally
different, like I'm justthankful that I'm still here.
(48:47):
I'm just because I know I don'tbe in places.
I probably shouldn't have been.
You know what I'm saying and Iknow that it was like Lord, if
this car don't start I don'trecall my mom Please, please,
cause we don't feel like goingto test them on the top, we just
need to whoo, whoo like forreal.
(49:09):
So you know, it's one of thosethings where I'm like okay,
thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus.
You know.
But you know, raising adultchildren, you know we have to
learn that it's.
We got to get to that pointwhere we can just trust God with
our children, and that's what Iwas saying.
(49:31):
How do you get to that pointwhere you just say you know what
, god, I just trust you.
I know that you got them.
I know that I've have doneeverything that you've asked me
to do as a parent.
How can we as adults, or we asthe mom, just be like you know
what I am, turning you over toGod, and just be able to be okay
(49:55):
with that?
How has that been for you?
I will say even hold on.
I got a lab real quick.
That was horrible.
It was so hard because evenbefore I came to the realization
that, hey, lord, I've done whatI needed to do as a parent,
(50:18):
I've done my part.
It's time to trust them and letthem go to you.
No, no, god was calling ontrust from me from the start,
just because of the fact theyweren't in my presence, just
because of the fact I had goneto such a worrisome place, I had
gone to such a, you know,thinking the worst, you know,
(50:41):
like, oh, my child is out herecutting up, just being a fool.
Okay, and Tuesday after Sunday,week after week, like the Lord
was dealing with me, I got them,I had her, I had her.
He had to remind me of thatover and over and over again and
(51:04):
I had to like, literally, letgo.
Because here's the thing this iswhat I want to say about the
trust factor because we got totrust at every part of this
process.
That's the thing it's like whenyou realize that you're not
their God.
He is their God anyway.
He made them, he brought theminto this world, like it is the
(51:28):
whole falling back and sittingback that we got to do period,
point blank.
And so, yes, and so it dependson where we are as a parent.
You know our own individualprocess.
So, like I say, I'm a lot morecomfortable now.
(51:49):
Right, because we're seeing alittle bit more of a harvest now
, in a sense, because throughour conversations we're seeing
where listening is happening,where they're coming back to us,
they're giving us feedback,like okay, you were right mom,
you were right dad, like wow,I'm glad that I did that work.
(52:12):
You see what I'm saying.
So for me it was kind offlip-flop.
The trust had to happen in thefreshman year and that first
time out of the nest.
So that was like the big one,that was like the big kahuna.
But everything after that hasbeen like still trusting, but
(52:33):
more on a more safer, calmerlevel.
Right, right, like now I cansay I've been still, because now
communication is open, now wecan talk and say certain things
and you're a little morereceptive, and because we've had
to build this stuff doesn'tjust happen overnight.
(52:54):
You see what I'm saying wegotta trust for that.
You gotta trust while you'rebuilding, you gotta trust after
you've said what you said, yougotta you know, and all that
trust is fading.
It is a quiet time.
It is just a thanking him and apraising him and a worshiping
and speaking the word and justletting God be God little times,
(53:16):
because how is it said or heardinstead Like it's quiet while
the test is being taken?
That is man.
That is so profound because alot of people think that God is
gonna be speaking through thetest.
(53:37):
And now, if you had a schooland a teacher giving a test,
you're supposed to be quiet.
It's quiet time, it's okay,it's gotta be quiet, right, it's
quiet, lord, and I was readingthis scripture, isaiah 55 and 9,
.
It says for as the heavens arehigher than the earth, so are my
(53:58):
ways higher than your ways andmy thoughts than your thoughts.
So that's how we could, youknow, learn how to trust,
because we know God got him, youknow his ways are higher than
the ways that we can try to evenever direct them into a certain
situation or coach them.
And so, turning that over, youknow that, right, there is a
(54:23):
little difficult and I can tellyou from just experience.
I can tell you one time youknow I was I had been praying so
hard for my daughter, mydaughter.
She just loved to hang out,loved to do her thing, love
(54:44):
whatever, and I was so concernedabout her.
But one day God really showedher that he was there with her
and it just made me feel so goodbecause she was like Mama, I
know, god was there and I saidI'm because I had been praying.
And so after that and I'm gonnabe so totally honest, after
(55:06):
that I really really startedtrusting God and allowing him to
lead her, because I knew thatshe knew his presence there.
You know what I'm saying.
I didn't have to be like girl,you know God is there with you
and she felt it, and I didn'thave to go to that extent of
(55:28):
girl, you know, like you know,and so that's one of the things
that you know.
When it was for me to say, okay,you know what I'm, you know,
like I said, my son, he's hebeen pretty much, you know he's
I'm, I'm blessed with him.
I'm not gonna, I'm not evengonna lie, I'm blessed with him.
(55:49):
And even sometimes I getconcerned about certain things.
But you know, with my, with myoldest daughter, I just I say
Lord, lord, do it for me.
That's all I'm like.
So, but you know, really hit onsomething so good, like the
(56:10):
intercession aspect of all ofthis is huge the praying for
them, the covering them and,like you said it, our heart
needs to know that.
They know that God is with you,and when they start having an
expectation on the Lord forthemselves, that makes a big
(56:31):
difference, a big, hugedifference.
It does, yes, because now theirminds are looking for God, like
, okay, god, you're with me.
Okay, you, I know you werecovering me, lord, yes, he was
yes.
So I think that that gives us Idon't want to say it's like a
check in the box, but, like yousaid, we teach them different
(56:54):
things over the years and welook to see did you get it?
You know, did you understand?
And so that, right, there is alittle, a little like a little
tidbit for us to know that, okay, if they got a relationship
with the Lord, if they at leastcan recognize that with them,
(57:14):
that he's got them, they havethat confidence, that trust that
that gives us comfort.
You know so much peace, right.
And so that that prayer andthat prayer, that was huge.
And so what I wanted to alsosay about, like the scripture
that you gave God oh, man, likehe really was teaching me that
(57:37):
going back to the trust factor,right, the fact that because his
ways are higher than our ways,his thoughts are higher than our
thoughts, the way that I mightgive that lesson, he going to
give it a whole other way, right, right, you see what I mean.
So I gotta trust the fact thathe has their lives.
So the thing that I'm hopingthat they learn, they'll learn
(58:02):
it, but it's not going to be inthe way or the timing that I
wanted to be Exactly, you knowwhat I mean.
Like they don't get it, butit's going to be, however, the
Lord working out with them,exactly, exactly, you know,
exactly.
Well, this has been good.
I, I, you know, I know this.
(58:23):
We can probably do a part two onthis, because I know it's a lot
of people that are really,really seeking answers for this
because, like I said, they have,they probably have grown
children standing in their house, even though they say, oh, when
you try to you get out of myhouse, but they still there, or
(58:46):
they don't laugh.
And then came back and now theytry to figure out how to just
kind of how to incorporateeverything together.
That you know, okay, you willgo now, you back.
Now you know, like, now, I gotto figure out this is my house,
so I got to figure out how youcan do this and how you can
maneuver in my house, but I knowit's a lot of parents that are
(59:10):
seeking for advice on this.
But if you want to just leavethem with anything else, that
will be.
That will be great, okay,Because I know, like I said, you
got, you got a couple of themand I got a couple of them.
But you know, I want to hearwhere you have your advice, that
(59:30):
you can leave with someone andyou know what guys, even even
before I do that, I really justwant to encourage everybody to
comment and put down below, likewhat you are looking for, what
exactly you're seeking for,Because, even if we come back
and do this again, it would beso awesome to really be able to
touch on exactly the areas thatyou want to talk about, the
(59:54):
areas that you are struggling inand that you're looking for,
and so I would leave witheveryone to understand that
there are a lot of resources outthere.
There's things that we can do.
We do not have to suffer Alone.
We don't have to suffer insilence.
Getting community, get in, getwith people who have that are
(01:00:17):
like-minded.
We're talking to, we'respeaking to a community of
believers, so I'm hoping thatthere are some safe places, some
some wells of wisdom that wecan tap into and connect and
even like with Cue for Christ.
We're Cue for Christ, so thisis one source for you, one
resource for you.
We are connected with you toshare and talk about these
(01:00:38):
things.
So, yeah, I will definitelyleave that with you to not lose
hope.
Don't let it get so bad whereyou're angry and you're
frustrated with your currentsituation and not doing anything
about it, because that candamage relationships.
(01:00:59):
We are talking about humanbeing.
We're talking about us peopleand we're talking about people
that we care about.
So we want to work it out andyou need to know that there is
solution.
Things can change.
It doesn't have to stay.
We're awkward, angry,frustrated.
We can move towards solution.
It don't have to be horribleand it can be a trusting and
(01:01:22):
loving environment.
Are you willing to do what ittakes?
Are you willing to do the work?
Are you willing to let go ofyourself?
Are you willing to walk a walkof love to see what you would
like to see come to pass?
So be encouraged in that,because it's possible, and I
(01:01:43):
know that there's people outthere who have wisdom and that
you can share with us, shareyour stories, put them out there
.
Yes, you can use them.
Because something that hasalways been in my heart, even
over the years, even as we raiseour children, no matter what we
(01:02:06):
go through, my hope and desireis that the person is preserved,
that the person is preserved.
The situation might be thesituation, amen.
But I don't want to damage theperson so much that now they
have more to work through, moreto deal with, more to overcome.
So that's my hope that we'reable to work through these
(01:02:31):
things and become better foreach other, become better for
our kids, even as adults.
That is so good.
And I'm going to leave you withthe scripture Proverbs 22 and 6
.
And I know it's a very familiarscripture you train up a child
in the way he should go.
(01:02:51):
Even when he is old, he willnot depart from it.
So we have to trust that, whatwe have done as parents, that
they will not leave what God hasalready instilled in them or
what we have already instilledin them.
So I'm so thankful that we wereable to do this.
(01:03:13):
Elder Harper, you have reallyblessed my soul and, if y'all
don't know me, elder Harper,been at this for years.
Okay, we had a conversationyears ago.
It would be so awesome.
I mean, we would probably bemillionaires right now.
(01:03:37):
But anyways, I thank you.
I would love for Elder Harper tosay a quick prayer.
Make sure you like it.
You're sharing, you'recommenting, you're going where
you can receive the message thatGod has planted in us, and then
we'll see you on the next one.
(01:03:57):
So, elder Harper, if you couldsay a quick prayer and then
we'll be at your way.
All right, father, we thank youtonight, lord God, for who you
are, for all that you have donefor us, for all the many ways
that you have kept us, kept ourminds, kept our families that
you have brought us through.
Lord, we just praise you andthank you for the memorials and
(01:04:19):
the things that you have donealready and as we have conversed
tonight, Lord God, and thingshave been talked about and
brought up, lord God, we prayfor our audience.
We pray for each one who willhear this now and hear it in the
future.
We pray, lord God, that yourpeople are brought into a space,
lord, where there is morelearning, more growth, more
(01:04:40):
development, lord God, and thatthere is a place where they can
feel seen and heard andunderstood.
We thank you that ultimately,you are our source and we pray,
father God, for community foryour people, for solution for
your people.
We ask, lord God, that ourfamilies are bonded together and
loved and that we develop andgrow in different strategies and
(01:05:03):
skills.
Lord that is able to bring ustighter and closer together in
our communication, in our lovewalk with each other.
So, god, I pray that we, as wedepart off this broadcast, lord
God, that the conversationcontinues and that you're
covering it, lord, and that youare blessing what we're doing
(01:05:27):
and that your people are blessedfrom it.
We thank you for it all andit's in Jesus' name we cry Amen,
amen, amen, all right, you allAll right.
We thank you, we thank you, welove you.
We want you to just make surethat you are staying cute, for
Christ's sake.
All right, bye y'all.
Hey, hey, hey everyone, this is Keanna, your
creator and your host of Q forChrist, and I am on here today
with my co-host, elda Harper.
I'm so excited.
How are you today, elda Harper?
Doing great, doing great, Gladto be on.
(00:46):
Man, we had did this enough.
Well, we have done it, but justnot recorded.
No, right, I'm excited to be onhere recording with you.
You know, it's been one of thoselong, long times, long, long
wait, but it's back.
Y'all, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
(01:07):
We're going to try to make surewe do this at least once a
month, at least two times amonth, whenever so, but I want
to say thank you to everyonethat has liked, shared,
commented, whatever you've done.
I'm so excited, I'm so happy,and make sure that you are
continuing to do that, ok, andleaving a note or something.
(01:31):
That way I know you've beenthere, ok.
So I'm excited, I'm so excited.
But tonight I'm more excitedbecause we are coming on with
this topic that is going to blowsome of you all's mind, because
I know that if you're around myage, this is something that you
have thought about with yourchildren, and I know we're going
(01:54):
to sit up here and chop it up.
So, before we go ahead andbefore I even display what it is
, I'm going to say a quickprayer and then we're going to
just dive right into it, ok?
So, dear Heavenly Father, Icome to you first.
I want to say thank you.
Thank you for this time thatyou have carved out for us to be
(02:14):
able to get together to discussthis topic that you have
dropped in our spirit.
God, god, we thank you now forthe love and the guidance that
you're going to give usthroughout this message.
God, we want you to hide usbehind the cross so someone can
receive this.
God, god, we want this to touchyour people.
We wanted to get to whoever itneeds to get to God, because we
(02:37):
know that on this day thatsomebody is wondering about this
guidance.
So we thank you now.
We love you, we honor you, wecherish you.
It's in Jesus' name that I pray.
Amen, amen.
Ok, all right.
So I'm jumping in it really,really quick, because it's we're
probably going to be on herefor a minute and I didn't want
(03:00):
to spend no time on giving y'allsome stuff that's going on with
the Cue of Christ.
I don't want to look.
Y'all go to the page, you'llsee it.
So I didn't want to go into allof that.
Go to the page.
You know what I'm saying,you'll see everything.
So, anyways, today God droppedin my spirit that I wanted to
(03:26):
talk about how Christian's momthat are trying to raise grown
children win.
To say win.
That's one of the things that'sreally really been on my heart.
Like I said, I know if you'rearound my age and I mean I'm not
ashamed to give you my age, butI'm not going to give it to you
but I'm up there and I do havesome grown children and I know
(03:51):
El Deharper has some grownchildren and it's something that
we want to make sure that weare guiding them the right way.
We don't want to do things thata handicap them.
We don't want to do things thatwill push them away, so we want
to be able to coach them intothe right way, something that we
(04:12):
didn't have Sometimes.
We didn't have that coachingwhen it came to relationships or
when it came to drugs, or whenit came to music or when it came
to anything.
So now I just want to get onhere and get somebody else to
hey, that's experiencing thesame thing that I'm experiencing
(04:33):
.
I'm going to stop talking.
I'm going to let El Deharpersay a little bit how you been.
First off, I didn't even get toask you.
I did ask you.
Oh man, I'm doing great.
I'm just so thankful for whatthe Lord has been doing in our
lives, the life being the landof the living.
I'm blessed, I'm happy, I'mcontent.
(04:55):
There's some things that youknow I'm working on, working
through, but overall I'mgrateful that I'm not alone in
many of the process.
I'm telling you, because youknow, I know we both have talked
about our grown children andhow you know things that we kind
(05:19):
of experienced, that we havegone through as a teenager or as
a, you know, as a young adult.
But you know, like I said orprevious, we didn't get that
guidance.
We didn't have somebody to say,oh no, you shouldn't do that,
and not to say that theyprobably didn't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm notsaying that, but it was more
(05:43):
judgmental.
You know, don't do that oryou're going to think this is
going to happen.
But now I want to be able tocoach them and you know we,
especially now, since God isreally depositing things to me
where I could be able to hand itto them in a way that I don't
(06:04):
want them to, you know, shy awayfrom it.
You know how the Bible says wedon't want to provoke our
children and so I don't want totell them that.
Oh no, don't do that.
When I did it, you know whatI'm saying.
So I want them to be able toknow that, okay, this is what I
did.
So I want you to be able to,you know, grasp a whole of my
(06:27):
experience so you don't have toendure what I endured.
I saw something today and it wasso profound on I think it can't
remember his name, but I sawsomething on his page and he
said I teach people, I teachpeople things that I to prevent
(06:48):
them from things that I had totreat.
And I was like, wow, that makesso much sense, you know, and
you know, sometimes we, you know, we don't realize that.
You know, experience is notalways the best teacher in
things where you can, when youcan get the knowledge on it.
(07:11):
So I just, you know what?
What are your thoughts on that?
When it comes to that, that,even that topic, you know how
Christian mom, you know, justtrying to raise their grown
children, you know, I definitelythink that it can be
(07:31):
challenging for us all at somelevel, at some point anyway, and
I think that it has a lot to dowith our own background, our
personal experiences, becausewe're all different from one
another.
But I tell you, I think a lotof it has to do with how we have
overcome.
What did we gain from ourexperience and we're talking
(07:54):
about us being Christian mom, sothat also includes what the
Holy Spirit revealed to us whatdid we gain?
Dominion?
Did we go further?
Are we able to turn around andnow teach, or are we still
dealing with some things thathaven't been resolved?
You know that, just, it kind ofputs us in that place where we
(08:15):
definitely have to do somereflection and see, really
figure out where we are in thesethings.
But from the things that we know, that we have developed and we
have conquered and overcome, Ibelieve for every parent, every
mom, that it is on our heart tosee the best for our children.
(08:35):
So we want what's good for them, we want them to be great, we
want them to grow up and be thebest of them, that they can be
the best version of themselves,that they can be impressed, and
that can be really challenging.
So it's like, you know, we walkthrough it a little bit at a
time and something that I'velearned from like just parenting
(08:57):
classes in my past, and I'velearned that it's like you kind
of go off of their lead as faras where to go, what to talk
about.
You know what I mean.
And when those things come up,it's like okay, now I see I need
to go here, okay, it's time togo there, right, I've noticed
(09:18):
when I have said things thatweren't in the timing of, hey,
they need it right now.
Maybe they took it, maybe theydidn't.
You know I didn't always getthe best response, right, but I
will tell you, like, when thingshave been said right in season,
(09:39):
it's been like water to them,so it's just been kind of like a
touch and go.
It's been up and down, but Ijust know that we all desire to
do our best with them.
You know, right, we all desireto share and to give them what
(10:01):
we got and give them.
And I think the good thingabout us, our generation, is
that we this maybe I'm justbiased to us, but I feel like
we're wiser.
We have you might not.
That's the truth, girl, and Imean shout out to the mommas and
the grandmothers.
I mean shout out to them.
But I tell you what I feel likewe have.
(10:24):
We've got something moreadvanced.
We have, right, more propheticinsight and technology that you
know that we can offer ourchildren and pass down to them
through our experiences, like wecan use the revelations that we
have.
Now you know exactly, and Ithink we have more of an
(10:45):
understanding of how to stand upfor them and fight for them and
to you know like, the valueexactly passing this stuff down.
You know that is needed, isnecessary, and it's so funny.
What's that scripture that talksabout talking to your children
when you're in the way, whenyou're standing up, when you're
(11:06):
going, when you're sitting down,when you're eating.
It's like, oh, I know, I knowexactly where I'm gonna find it.
You go ahead and talk, I'mgonna find it for you, though,
because I think I don't say yeah, it's so important that we do
the Rodamy six, six throughseven.
You want me to read it?
It says and these words that Icommand you today should be on
(11:31):
your heart.
You shall teach them diligentlyto your children and shall talk
of them when you sit in yourhouse and when you walk by the
way and when you lie down andwhen you rise.
Is that just going to use mymind?
Yes, ma'am, oh, absolutely.
I believe that, given theframework, like the word already
(11:51):
give us the framework, meaningset up the expectations.
I mean, these kids need toalready be expected.
This is what we do, this iswhat and the thing about it we
have to live by example.
Yeah, I was listening to youwhen you said that we have
gotten that revelation.
I remember us talking aboutthis the other day, about you
(12:15):
know, when we noticed somethingthat our children is displaying
that we had.
We got the blueprint, okay, sowe got that playbook.
So now it's time for us to handit to them and say okay, when
you experience this, this iswhat you do, and it's almost
(12:35):
like you know.
When I can't remember Now I'mlike you, that's future when I
want to say it was Elijah whenhe was Elijah, and Elijah when
Elijah was hearing the voice.
What is it?
Elijah, I can't remember, buthe said go back.
He was telling him what to do.
Okay, here it is for us again,this is what you do and so
(12:59):
that's what you know.
When we can realize our childrenare experiencing some of the
same stuff that we experiencedwhen we were children, and even
now, as our grown children, Isee some of the same things that
I went through as a, as ateenager, or not necessarily a
(13:20):
teenager, but in college that Iwent through that I'm like, okay
, let me, let me tell you what Idid wrong and I want you to run
this play.
Don't run that play that you'retrying to run because you know,
and my one, of my, one of myteenage well, she's a teenage,
one of my college students,daughter is a football.
(13:43):
She's.
She's football for daddy.
So for me, speaking that thatterm will probably catch her be
like, oh, don't, okay, well,what's the play?
You know what I'm saying?
What's the play?
And so that's the main thing isis being able to show them what
the play is, okay, so, um, Ijust came up with a few things
(14:09):
that, um, we can as Christianmom, so we can learn how to set
boundaries, because I don't wantone thing that I want, don't
want to do is to handicap them,because I can't do everything
for you, but I also want you torealize that I'm here when you
(14:30):
need me.
You know what I'm saying, thatthe words that I'm saying to you
is something you need to listento.
So, on that note right there,before you even go to it, and I
think that that is, and, as youwere saying, that is like I was
thinking about trust.
You know, they still need totrust us, even in their young
(14:51):
adult age, right, you know, justas they did when they were
younger children, because he,what was best for them we, we
know was best for them by way ofthe Holy Spirit, but, you know,
we, we still have that voiceand that's why I believe that
the scripture set it up the wayit did, because that expectation
should always be there to talkabout these things.
(15:14):
Right, this is how I alreadysaid it into being, so that
trust should never be diminished.
And we can talk about this parta little bit later, we can deal
with a little bit of thechildhood trauma things, because
I do believe that you know,there's some reasoning in there
why they may or may not have anopen ear.
We can touch that Right.
Right, and, and that's so good.
(15:36):
And I thought about somethingthat you told me years ago oh,
my God, I don't even know howmany years ago this was, but we
were talking about my nephew,the one that that lives with us
and you were saying that all wecan do is plant the seeds and
water them and then watch it,watch it grow later.
(15:58):
And so that's that, thattrusting part, that believing
and that hoping that, okay, I'm,I'm instilling in you and I'm,
I'm depositing you what the HolySpirit is telling me to do, but
all I could do is is watch itand so, and and, just like a
plant, sometimes we have to goand trim them, sometimes we have
(16:20):
to go and take out the badroute and we have to go and do
whatever, but sometimes we haveto just step back and just let
it grow and talk to it.
I don't remember somebodysaying you got to talk to your
plant, you know, like talk to ityou for real, like okay, so
sometimes we have to just stepback and talk to it.
(16:40):
So that's so good, though,about the trust, and I'm going
to come back to you, becausethat was one of the questions
that I was going to ask you,jump.
Oh, I love it though, I love it, though, I love it.
So, but one of the one of thetips that I that I found that it
was saying that we have torecognize their adulthood.
(17:03):
Okay, and, and that is thatcould be the hardest thing for
us as moms, or even as parents,because I mean, I can only speak
for a mom because I'm a mom,but for moms it can be the
hardest thing because for yearswe don't have to do everything
(17:27):
for them.
Like you know, and I know wewere military wise, so our
children depending on us alittle bit more when you know,
our spouse was gone and we hadto do everything for them.
So when we get to that point ofthat crossroad are saying that,
(17:50):
okay, they really adults.
So how do you, when you startedwith your, you know,
transitioning a teenager toadult, how did you started to
recognize that they were intheir adulthood?
(18:10):
So for my two college girls itit really took more stuff
because the dynamic of our homewere totally comfy, with us
doing everything they this iswhat it was, you know coverage,
(18:30):
sheltered mom and dad.
They've got it, you know, right, more so, like we had to now
begin to verbally instill thatmindset being to talk about it,
start to speak out what that,that expectation looked like,
the things that they were goingto have to start doing.
And so, once they startedcatching on, because for them,
(18:51):
it's like speaking a foreignlanguage.
Oh, now I have to do this.
These are the expectationscoming out.
This is the responsibilitiesthat I have.
You want me to do it.
I'm supposed to know how to dothat.
What are you talking about?
You know, so that was that washard for them to stomach and to
handle and digest.
But when they started catchingon, this is where I think the
(19:12):
transition really startedhappening for real.
Right, when they caught thevision to start to recognize
themselves within themselves.
Okay, I've done the things.
I've started to do the thingsthat you have told me to do.
Now I have taken ownership.
Now I am the one who isresponsible.
Like, I get it Right.
Now we're carrying this.
Now I'm doing it more often.
(19:33):
So what comes with that is thisconfidence, is this level of
okay, I'm grown now, right, so Ithink that is that's what plays
into okay, the I want to sayentitled.
But it definitely gives themthis, this air of I'm doing this
(19:56):
now.
So for me to actually watchthat happen and to see that
happen is it's like okay, allright, I got to be okay with
this, because this is what wetalked you to do, and you need
to be doing that Now when itcomes to the different things
that they have been taughtacross the board.
(20:18):
There's a lot of things that wehave taught.
I would love to see all of thethings being attended to the way
that they were taught, butthat's not always the case.
I'm not.
That's not always the case, andyou know.
And so they're not meeting ourparental expectations, our hopes
, our dreams, our desires.
So that's been kind of like allright, help me, lord.
(20:42):
I got to be, help me to.
You know, still be able to talkwith them and not get an
attitude, not take it personally, not be hurt, really just not
be offended, not be like though.
You just going to be like thisand not what I know you can be.
You know judgmental, not bejudgmental, you know right, be
(21:08):
like you don't get it, you know.
And so, right, you know, though, those have been some hard
conversations, but I'm but thatis part of it, all of it is part
of it.
So that has been how I'verecognized the scene that shift
of when they have now takenresponsibility and they carry
(21:30):
themselves differently.
They're, they're, they'remindset is different, and so it
just come with some extra flavor, right, and especially because
you have, you have daughters,and I have one son that you know
when I recognize his adulthoodI think it happened fairly early
(21:53):
to me because he was alwayskind of like you know his own
little, his own little boss, ifyou may, if you may, okay, so
you know, recognizing it for mydaughter, like you, like you
said it was, you know they can't.
You know, she kept coming to measking me for this, doing this
and doing that, but when Irealized that, oh, she didn't
(22:16):
really need me, you know whatI'm saying it was almost like
when you, you know theytransitioning from a baby to a
toddler.
You know, every transition is alittle bit different, you know,
even when we send them to pre-Kor kindergarten, he's like, oh
my God, baby, it's getting sobig, you know.
(22:37):
And then we, then we recognizeit.
And so, recognizing theadulthood, I feel like it's one
of the it's.
It's a beautiful and hard thingat the same time, because you
can't just come in and saysomething about everything,
(22:58):
right, but then it's like, okay,that's, that's the whole thing.
It's like when, when do I say,okay, well, you're a dog now.
You know what I'm saying.
Like, dude, you, you made thatdecision, so you made that
decision.
You know, don't come to me allthe time, but that's where we
have to learn and create thosehealthy boundaries.
(23:21):
Okay, um, I don't want to.
You don't want to just pushsomebody off, really and like,
throw them off the cliff and say, okay, you know, I saw you just
swim, so go on, jump in thewater, you know, or whatever,
but now you want to, now youwant to recognize it, and and um
.
So the next thing is they weresaying, is that to communicate
(23:44):
openly and this one right hereis, like you said, those tough
conversations that you've beentalking about you have to have.
So, um, what are some of the,the tactics that you have had to
(24:05):
have when it came to trying tokeep the communication open with
your adult children?
Because I thought mine is likemine would tell me everything,
and sometimes I have to be likeI don't know if I, I don't know
if I want to hit it.
So what are some tactics thatyou have had to have when it
(24:26):
came to that?
And you know what?
Again, I think a lot of thisgoes back to the relationship
that you have with your children, the, the like who they are who
you are like.
You got to know yourself andknow them.
So that dynamic is is differentfor each family.
So for us, um, so each daughteris actually different.
I have one that's moreforthcoming with lives, you know
(24:49):
, ups and downs and anddifferent things to talk about,
and I have another one where Ikind of got to pull it out of
her a little bit more.
Um, but once they get startedit's it's like super analytical.
You know, I gotta be ready, Igotta be like right, Shoot it up
.
So I would say with, I wouldsay, knowing understanding each
(25:18):
one and myself, and I end uplearning my real feelings as I'm
talking.
So a lot of it has kind of beenlike on the fly, as it went on
the go.
I will say, when I recognize myheart response, how I feel in a
moment, in a situation when I'mactually talking about a
particular thing, I may start ina little bit and I may back out
(25:44):
.
You know, as you know, whenwe're not ready to talk about
this just yet, so I'll kind oflike test the water.
So I guess that would be one totest the water that is so good,
oh, my goodness, let me docheck and see how far we want to
really go with this.
Oh right, and a lot of times Ihave noticed where the world's
(26:08):
influence has affected mychildren and I'm thinking I'm
talking to them and we on thesame page and we are not.
So that's when I coverdifferent mindsets and
ideologies and things like thatand I'm like, ok, now I have to
go back again.
So I'm noticing, for me there'sa lot of coming in and then
(26:31):
going back out, like a lot ofcoming in and going back out and
seeing how I need to adjust.
So for me it's to adjust.
And in those conversations andthen one that I had recently,
like today, even before we justrecorded, I realized I just had
to.
I noticed I had been putting onlike baby box and gloves, you
(26:54):
know, like a soft palm, mintright, and I started, I took, I
was courageous in this momentand still because I think us
moms a lot of times we take moreof the hit or the burden, more
of the responsibility for howthese situations go.
(27:15):
But, as I told my number twoone today, I'm like you know
what?
You're old enough to startpaying attention to your side in
this and to begin to noticewhat's happening and take
ownership for your part.
But what it means is that yougot to be ready to investigate,
you got to be ready to go on ajourney, you got to be ready to
(27:37):
check yourself out and seewhat's really going on, how I
feel, what I'm putting in, whatI'm putting out, what is my
output, what am I giving off topeople, what am I?
You know so.
So I would say, for that onewould be like to be ready to be
vulnerable and but also ready tosay what needs to be said, even
(28:01):
if it's hard, you know, for theas a mom as yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's so true.
And I was just thinking aboutit because, like you said, when
we have to kind of test thewater and you know, we know what
the truth is, but we want totest them to see if they know
(28:24):
exactly what the truth is.
And I was pulled up thescripture and say, in third John
one and four I have no greaterjoy than to hear that my
children are walking in thetruth.
And that's one thing that, asparents, when we communicate
with them, we want to know thatthey say oh, yeah, I don't
really, I don't, I don't, Idon't like to smoke.
(28:44):
No, we, because this is this,because I know that it is wrong
because of this, and that's onething that, as parents, you want
to know.
That, ok, that, even though youdon't know you're not there
with them 24.
Hey, you're not there with them, you can't sue, but you know
that if you could communicatewith them openly and they can be
able to express that they arewalking in that, true, they are
(29:07):
walking in the way that, ok, mom, I know how to pray that show
you that, that what I justshowed you is what is what is
right.
You know what I'm saying.
You love that.
I know, and we, and I know and Ican't speak for fathers, but I
know fathers are like that toothat their children are doing
(29:29):
something that they have really,really communicated with them.
You know, like, son, make sureyou do this and make sure you do
that.
You know, and I think that thatis that is so important when it
comes to, like you know, myPasadena always say coaching,
because you can't tell them whatto do now, you can only kind of
(29:51):
coach them into the rightdirection and and that, man,
that is so.
That is so true and so good.
You know, absolutely, becauseyou know we can't always like
you say, and that's where theboundaries come in, because we
can't always overstep, becausenow they can make decisions for
themselves.
So it's like we that coach.
(30:15):
It's us, you know, not givingthe full on lesson as much,
because the teaching time hasbeen given Exactly.
It's time to see what you knownow, what you have Exactly have
to learn how to switch that hatand say, you know, hey, with
(30:37):
that tester proctoring season,like OK, what do you have in you
?
And if we don't switch that hat, it will be hard.
It will be because when we'refull on mom mode, we want to
just give it all out and justyou know, like, even if we have
(30:58):
to yell it, it's almost like Ineed you to understand it.
Don't work that way in thistime.
It just Right.
We have to let go of thosetools and get some new tools.
And so, even though we'recoaching, it itself is huge,
right, because the wholedifferent postures, the whole
different mindset, and so now wegot to go home, and so now we
(31:19):
got to go forward with even,like you were talking about
learning, about communication,and even the next thing we're
about to go into, right, yes,yes, I mean, and, like you said,
we got to learn different tools, different skills, different
ways.
I often talk to this and it'sjust so funny that we talk about
communicate openly, because Ihave a teenager, or you know, I
(31:42):
got teenagers and a preteenagethat listen to TikTok and I said
, oh my goodness, I need tocommunicate in TikTok language.
You know what I'm saying,because sometimes I'm like
trying to talk to them andthere's just buzz out with a
TikTok song and I'm like what'syour talking about?
(32:03):
I'm sorry, and I'd be like, oh,it's a TikTok, OK, goodbye.
You know, and and it just youknow, communication is key in
learning how to speak theirlanguage.
You know, because if we don'tlearn how to speak their
language, if you don't recognizehow your children are
(32:23):
communicating to you, thenyou're going to be blind, you're
going to be fussing, you'regoing to be arguing, you're
going to be stressed because youdon't understand that my child,
this is how my child speaks.
That way you can know like, ok,when they come to you with a
problem, ok, let me speak theirlanguage.
You know, because the Biblesays that you know how he had
(32:45):
changed the language so, people,they can understand their own
language.
So we have to be able tounderstand that our children,
they, speak different languages.
So we, we speak in mom language, we speaking, oh, I didn't do
that, been there, done that, gotthe t-shirt for it, you know,
but they like, no, let me dothis.
(33:05):
And so that that leads us tothat next thing, we have to
define your limits to what tosay, when to say it and how to
say it, because sometimes we,you know, like you say, when you
get in mom mode, sometimes youoverstep that limit, you know,
(33:25):
and, and a lot of people youknow, and I've heard this out of
the I'm your mama all the time.
Ok, true enough, don't get mewrong, you know, but it is a
certain time when you got to sayyou know what, and that's my
limit, let me, let me step backand let me let you, kind of, you
know, blossom into the part,the tree of the fruit, that of
(33:51):
my labor, because, guess what?
I already planted that seed inyou.
So I'm going to just define mylimit right now and I'm going to
let you grow into that person.
So, what, what, like what andwhen have you noticed that?
Ok, this my limit.
Let me, let me be quiet.
(34:14):
You know there's a certainresponse that each one of mine
will give.
They have their own way ofcommunicating with me.
Like you said, they're speakingtheir language and right on,
it's almost like they're walkingright up to the line of being
disrespectful and I have torecognize that, like you're
(34:38):
trying to tell me, mom, I'veheard enough.
But I've tried not to be rude,but this is how I know how to
say this right now, you know,because they're learning how to
communicate too.
So they don't know how to turnaround to you and looking in
your face and say, mom, I'mgrowing.
(34:58):
Right now I don't know all theanswers.
I can only take so much of whatyou're giving me.
Give me a moment, give me acouple of weeks or so to work on
that and I'll come back and wecan have this discussion again.
They don't know how to do that.
They don't know how to do that.
They're gonna say somethingcrazy.
It's gonna be something Right,something you know in their form
, and it's like you know uscatching on to it would help us
(35:22):
out and not taking offense, andI think that for me, that's
probably been the biggest thingis to not respond Like I'm gonna
be, like you know what youabout?
To lose your teeth, you know,you know, you know I'm gonna get
you, buddy, because, look, letme tell you, my grandmother is a
hundred and she's about to be ahundred and one.
And do you know, my mom isstill scared to stay so in front
(35:47):
of my grandmother.
See what I'm saying.
My grandmother, she be like I'mthe mom, she's still ten of now
After as she bought a hundred.
Well, she'll be a hundred andone in a few weeks and so she
just, and the thing about it,they do still have that, okay,
(36:08):
that fear, cause they know wherethey can take us to.
You know what I'm saying.
They know exactly.
Okay, I done made my mama mad,so let me, you know, let me kind
of back up, but, like you said,you have some ones that are
kind of get so close to thatline where it's almost like
disrespect and you be like holdup.
I think you forgot, did youforget?
(36:31):
It's literally, and it's socrazy because you won, and I
think that's where the, the, the, the wrestle comes in with
being an apparent, because youwant to keep that door open,
exactly, exactly, exactly, and,and you know, we want to sit
(36:51):
there and sometimes we take more.
Now, when you get older and Inoticed my, my, my older
children will be like oh, youjust so stop, you, let them stay
in.
And I said well, you know it'sdifferent now you know what I'm
saying.
Like totally different.
I learned a lot, I'm wiser, I'ma different place in my life.
(37:15):
I'm not the same person.
Like that is exactly you know,and I was.
I read the scripture and say aproverb 2917,.
Discipline your children.
They would give you peace, theywill bring you the delights you
desire.
So it's like you knowdiscipline them already.
So we know that they'll give uspeace.
But then sometimes they, they,just they go, they, they touch
(37:39):
it, don't, don't touch it, don't, don't touch it.
So it's like you know, and it'sone of those things that we, you
know, like, like we were saying, is that you know you have to
define that limit.
That, okay, I know that you are, you are grown and I know that
(38:00):
you're going to make your owndecisions.
And I know that is nothing thatwe can do as as as a mama.
It's nothing that I could do asa mom right now to to just kind
of change your mind.
But just listen to me, chad,please just listen to me, you
know so, but man, I'm tellingyou that is so good, it's really
(38:26):
something when you recognizethat you, it feels the
transition feels like yourinfluence is waning, right, but
in reality it isn't waning.
We, it is now different, and soit's really like the same but
(38:51):
different.
And the and the and the fact ofthe matter is is, like we
already said, we have to let goof our old methods and really
take a different approach.
Right, that is everything.
Because it's like I feel likethat's kind of where that, that
frazzled moment happens, when weare still trying to use older
(39:15):
methods or things that we'vedone before.
They may have worked in thepast, but it don't work this way
, like no it, you have to let itgo, because you want to, you
want to be an example.
Especially we're talking aboutGodly Christian parenting rights
.
We want to respect them, wewant to tell them that their
opinion is there, is valuable,that what they have to say, even
(39:39):
if it's about us, right, and tohear it.
We don't want them to shutinward and close the doors of
their hearts, you know, towardus.
So it's like we, we may have todo some, make some adjustments,
and that's okay, you know, butstill recognizing, yes, we still
have influence.
(39:59):
So, seeing what that looks like, what does it look like now?
Okay, so when I say something toyou, now that I have honored
you, I'm treated with you withsome respect.
I'm now expecting you to alsolisten to me, now as an adult.
(40:20):
Like, even their mode andposture has to change in
listening to us.
You're an adult now, so youhave to hear me as an adult,
like as a grown woman, like, sithere and have your ears open,
and not as a youth, like a fool,dismissing what you're saying
(40:41):
and that kind of thing.
But to understand that, okay,my mom still has something good
to say to me.
My heart should be open, myears should be open to listen.
You know, and that's why I wassaying before, like we may need
to have some other discussionsbefore we even get to talking
about the things that we reallywanna say.
(41:04):
And, as it pertains to coachingthem, right, we may have to get
over some hurdles first, right,right, right.
And that really leads into thenext point is listening to their
point of view, because you know, like you say, they have to be
able to listen to us just aswell as we have to be able to
(41:25):
listen to them and be able toand listening to their point of
view is different now, like youhave to approach it.
Like you said, you can'tapproach it with the same method
as you did when they were underyour control or under your care
.
You know, and that's anotherthing I wanna talk about is that
(41:48):
you know they live it with you.
Like how do you distinguish?
You know what I'm saying Like,how do you distinguish that you
know?
So you know and I guess you cankind of expand on that, because
I don't have one living with me, but I do have one that depend
on me a little bit more but howdo you like, when it comes to
(42:11):
that where you wanna listen totheir point, but you're like you
live it in my house, so I needyou to listen to one of you, I
need you to listen, okay, ooh,ooh, so cringy, it's just, it's
been a time, I tell you because,all right.
(42:32):
So I think for us parents, it'slike we got a process, it's like
kind of, we got to update.
So, like we mentioned, we havemore revelation, we've learned
new things, we so because thefact that it's like on the job
training, like you're learningas you're going right On the job
(42:52):
training.
So these pressures, theserequirements that you now have
to fulfill as far as like havingan answer, having a approach
and a system of how to go about.
Okay, we're living together asa family, but you're an adult
and I still have some standards,you see what I'm saying.
So it's like the things that wethe leniencies or the wisdoms,
(43:17):
or the things that we havebrought into our current
parenting, those, the otherareas that haven't been touched
on yet, which is the newcircumstances, the new
situations.
They have to be updated,because the thing is is that you
may now realize that you'restill feeling some.
There may be some old toolsthat are in other this place.
(43:41):
You see what I'm saying.
So, when it comes to when you'recoming home, when it comes to
what's allowed in my house, howfar are you going with what do
they call it PDA?
You know how much of that do Ifeel like looking at every day
and you know what I mean Thingslike that.
We have these boundaries likeour real thing, but what I'm
(44:04):
saying is that the believersthat we are now, we are not
those people that we were whenwe were younger.
So it's like we have to comeinto agreement with what we feel
and think now, right, exactly.
So, like you said not judging,you know, okay, because we
(44:28):
recognize that we were waydifferent than our kids.
I feel like in our situation wewere worse, like.
Our kids were like friend, goodwhere to you know well, we were
, wow, why were we even tripping?
But we still at this place,still are not even in a more
(44:50):
better way, a more excellent way.
I was like I have to let go ofwhat I almost like an unlearning
and a learning.
It's like our parental process.
The system got to come on andcatch up, okay.
Then we got to communicate thatto them and let them know why
(45:12):
we think what.
We think Right, what?
Because we have to settleourselves Exactly and be honest.
But then we have to be kind toourselves as parents and we got
to be honest with ourselves, notto people, please, because
we're afraid they go, that wemight be doing too much, but
because the other aspect theother end of that aspect of that
(45:33):
is the honesty part might showus that we have not quite come
to come to a new and betterplace.
We may still have an obsolete oran equated kind of mentality
about some things.
(45:54):
Right, and that's real, like,even with today's social issues,
like you have to literally talkabout themselves with yourself,
your lore, process it with yourfriends.
We need support groups when itcomes to this kind of stuff,
especially if you're single.
You know what I mean.
Right, oh, my goodness, youknow we gotta talk about these
(46:15):
things and like really discoverthem.
How do I really feel about this?
Right, what am I okay with?
And then, when you finally havesettled yourself, then, like I
say, communicate those thingsand let them know and at the end
of the day, ultimately they'regonna have to be okay with
whatever you set out.
You know, as long as you're not, you know They'll have to be
(46:36):
okay.
But as long as I feel likewe're in the okay bounds, if
they're heard, if they're seen,if their desires have been taken
into consideration, if we havedone all that we can do to I
don't wanna say like compromise,but come to a safe and healthy
middle ground, right, right,like that's important, you know.
(47:00):
So it's not just all parentalone-sided Right, so that, like
it just has to happen.
The whole sum of all of theseskills they come into play.
Yeah, that's that happened, andyou know, and, like you said,
(47:20):
we have to, because that'sreally the last point is how we
acknowledge our mistakes.
Like what we did, we got torealize, okay, are we still
thinking the wrong way?
Like what is you know?
What are we're thinking about?
Certain things about, becausethis time is different than our
(47:41):
time.
Our time is totally different,totally different, different
beats all again.
And the thing about it, onething that I can say about this
time, is that if you don'tcontinue to keep updating with
the technology, then you aregoing to be left behind.
(48:02):
But one thing about thetechnology that I like is that I
get to have, you know, my adultchildren location.
I need to know, you know, Idon't have to be there with them
, but I know where they are.
You know what I'm saying Prettymuch at all time I can look up
and say, oh, okay, they she atthe door.
Okay, you know.
(48:23):
And so we have to be able toaccept the times, you know,
especially the technology timeswhere we can utilize it.
You know, and a lot of peoplethey be so set against it, but
you know, our times, ourmistakes, were so totally
different, like I'm justthankful that I'm still here.
(48:47):
I'm just because I know I don'tbe in places.
I probably shouldn't have been.
You know what I'm saying and Iknow that it was like Lord, if
this car don't start I don'trecall my mom Please, please,
cause we don't feel like goingto test them on the top, we just
need to whoo, whoo like forreal.
(49:09):
So you know, it's one of thosethings where I'm like okay,
thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus.
You know.
But you know, raising adultchildren, you know we have to
learn that it's.
We got to get to that pointwhere we can just trust God with
our children, and that's what Iwas saying.
(49:31):
How do you get to that pointwhere you just say you know what
, god, I just trust you.
I know that you got them.
I know that I've have doneeverything that you've asked me
to do as a parent.
How can we as adults, or we asthe mom, just be like you know
what I am, turning you over toGod, and just be able to be okay
(49:55):
with that?
How has that been for you?
I will say even hold on.
I got a lab real quick.
That was horrible.
It was so hard because evenbefore I came to the realization
that, hey, lord, I've done whatI needed to do as a parent,
(50:18):
I've done my part.
It's time to trust them and letthem go to you.
No, no, god was calling ontrust from me from the start,
just because of the fact theyweren't in my presence, just
because of the fact I had goneto such a worrisome place, I had
gone to such a, you know,thinking the worst, you know,
(50:41):
like, oh, my child is out herecutting up, just being a fool.
Okay, and Tuesday after Sunday,week after week, like the Lord
was dealing with me, I got them,I had her, I had her.
He had to remind me of thatover and over and over again and
(51:04):
I had to like, literally, letgo.
Because here's the thing this iswhat I want to say about the
trust factor because we got totrust at every part of this
process.
That's the thing it's like whenyou realize that you're not
their God.
He is their God anyway.
He made them, he brought theminto this world, like it is the
(51:28):
whole falling back and sittingback that we got to do period,
point blank.
And so, yes, and so it dependson where we are as a parent.
You know our own individualprocess.
So, like I say, I'm a lot morecomfortable now.
(51:49):
Right, because we're seeing alittle bit more of a harvest now
, in a sense, because throughour conversations we're seeing
where listening is happening,where they're coming back to us,
they're giving us feedback,like okay, you were right mom,
you were right dad, like wow,I'm glad that I did that work.
(52:12):
You see what I'm saying.
So for me it was kind offlip-flop.
The trust had to happen in thefreshman year and that first
time out of the nest.
So that was like the big one,that was like the big kahuna.
But everything after that hasbeen like still trusting, but
(52:33):
more on a more safer, calmerlevel.
Right, right, like now I cansay I've been still, because now
communication is open, now wecan talk and say certain things
and you're a little morereceptive, and because we've had
to build this stuff doesn'tjust happen overnight.
(52:54):
You see what I'm saying wegotta trust for that.
You gotta trust while you'rebuilding, you gotta trust after
you've said what you said, yougotta you know, and all that
trust is fading.
It is a quiet time.
It is just a thanking him and apraising him and a worshiping
and speaking the word and justletting God be God little times,
(53:16):
because how is it said or heardinstead Like it's quiet while
the test is being taken?
That is man.
That is so profound because alot of people think that God is
gonna be speaking through thetest.
(53:37):
And now, if you had a schooland a teacher giving a test,
you're supposed to be quiet.
It's quiet time, it's okay,it's gotta be quiet, right, it's
quiet, lord, and I was readingthis scripture, isaiah 55 and 9,
.
It says for as the heavens arehigher than the earth, so are my
(53:58):
ways higher than your ways andmy thoughts than your thoughts.
So that's how we could, youknow, learn how to trust,
because we know God got him, youknow his ways are higher than
the ways that we can try to evenever direct them into a certain
situation or coach them.
And so, turning that over, youknow that, right, there is a
(54:23):
little difficult and I can tellyou from just experience.
I can tell you one time youknow I was I had been praying so
hard for my daughter, mydaughter.
She just loved to hang out,loved to do her thing, love
(54:44):
whatever, and I was so concernedabout her.
But one day God really showedher that he was there with her
and it just made me feel so goodbecause she was like Mama, I
know, god was there and I saidI'm because I had been praying.
And so after that and I'm gonnabe so totally honest, after
(55:06):
that I really really startedtrusting God and allowing him to
lead her, because I knew thatshe knew his presence there.
You know what I'm saying.
I didn't have to be like girl,you know God is there with you
and she felt it, and I didn'thave to go to that extent of
(55:28):
girl, you know, like you know,and so that's one of the things
that you know.
When it was for me to say, okay,you know what I'm, you know,
like I said, my son, he's hebeen pretty much, you know he's
I'm, I'm blessed with him.
I'm not gonna, I'm not evengonna lie, I'm blessed with him.
(55:49):
And even sometimes I getconcerned about certain things.
But you know, with my, with myoldest daughter, I just I say
Lord, lord, do it for me.
That's all I'm like.
So, but you know, really hit onsomething so good, like the
(56:10):
intercession aspect of all ofthis is huge the praying for
them, the covering them and,like you said it, our heart
needs to know that.
They know that God is with you,and when they start having an
expectation on the Lord forthemselves, that makes a big
(56:31):
difference, a big, hugedifference.
It does, yes, because now theirminds are looking for God, like
, okay, god, you're with me.
Okay, you, I know you werecovering me, lord, yes, he was
yes.
So I think that that gives us Idon't want to say it's like a
check in the box, but, like yousaid, we teach them different
(56:54):
things over the years and welook to see did you get it?
You know, did you understand?
And so that, right, there is alittle, a little like a little
tidbit for us to know that, okay, if they got a relationship
with the Lord, if they at leastcan recognize that with them,
(57:14):
that he's got them, they havethat confidence, that trust that
that gives us comfort.
You know so much peace, right.
And so that that prayer andthat prayer, that was huge.
And so what I wanted to alsosay about, like the scripture
that you gave God oh, man, likehe really was teaching me that
(57:37):
going back to the trust factor,right, the fact that because his
ways are higher than our ways,his thoughts are higher than our
thoughts, the way that I mightgive that lesson, he going to
give it a whole other way, right, right, you see what I mean.
So I gotta trust the fact thathe has their lives.
So the thing that I'm hopingthat they learn, they'll learn
(58:02):
it, but it's not going to be inthe way or the timing that I
wanted to be Exactly, you knowwhat I mean.
Like they don't get it, butit's going to be, however, the
Lord working out with them,exactly, exactly, you know,
exactly.
Well, this has been good.
I, I, you know, I know this.
(58:23):
We can probably do a part two onthis, because I know it's a lot
of people that are really,really seeking answers for this
because, like I said, they have,they probably have grown
children standing in their house, even though they say, oh, when
you try to you get out of myhouse, but they still there, or
(58:46):
they don't laugh.
And then came back and now theytry to figure out how to just
kind of how to incorporateeverything together.
That you know, okay, you willgo now, you back.
Now you know, like, now, I gotto figure out this is my house,
so I got to figure out how youcan do this and how you can
maneuver in my house, but I knowit's a lot of parents that are
(59:10):
seeking for advice on this.
But if you want to just leavethem with anything else, that
will be.
That will be great, okay,Because I know, like I said, you
got, you got a couple of themand I got a couple of them.
But you know, I want to hearwhere you have your advice, that
(59:30):
you can leave with someone andyou know what guys, even even
before I do that, I really justwant to encourage everybody to
comment and put down below, likewhat you are looking for, what
exactly you're seeking for,Because, even if we come back
and do this again, it would beso awesome to really be able to
touch on exactly the areas thatyou want to talk about, the
(59:54):
areas that you are struggling inand that you're looking for,
and so I would leave witheveryone to understand that
there are a lot of resources outthere.
There's things that we can do.
We do not have to suffer Alone.
We don't have to suffer insilence.
Getting community, get in, getwith people who have that are
(01:00:17):
like-minded.
We're talking to, we'respeaking to a community of
believers, so I'm hoping thatthere are some safe places, some
some wells of wisdom that wecan tap into and connect and
even like with Cue for Christ.
We're Cue for Christ, so thisis one source for you, one
resource for you.
We are connected with you toshare and talk about these
(01:00:38):
things.
So, yeah, I will definitelyleave that with you to not lose
hope.
Don't let it get so bad whereyou're angry and you're
frustrated with your currentsituation and not doing anything
about it, because that candamage relationships.
(01:00:59):
We are talking about humanbeing.
We're talking about us peopleand we're talking about people
that we care about.
So we want to work it out andyou need to know that there is
solution.
Things can change.
It doesn't have to stay.
We're awkward, angry,frustrated.
We can move towards solution.
It don't have to be horribleand it can be a trusting and
(01:01:22):
loving environment.
Are you willing to do what ittakes?
Are you willing to do the work?
Are you willing to let go ofyourself?
Are you willing to walk a walkof love to see what you would
like to see come to pass?
So be encouraged in that,because it's possible, and I
(01:01:43):
know that there's people outthere who have wisdom and that
you can share with us, shareyour stories, put them out there
.
Yes, you can use them.
Because something that hasalways been in my heart, even
over the years, even as we raiseour children, no matter what we
(01:02:06):
go through, my hope and desireis that the person is preserved,
that the person is preserved.
The situation might be thesituation, amen.
But I don't want to damage theperson so much that now they
have more to work through, moreto deal with, more to overcome.
So that's my hope that we'reable to work through these
(01:02:31):
things and become better foreach other, become better for
our kids, even as adults.
That is so good.
And I'm going to leave you withthe scripture Proverbs 22 and 6
.
And I know it's a very familiarscripture you train up a child
in the way he should go.
(01:02:51):
Even when he is old, he willnot depart from it.
So we have to trust that, whatwe have done as parents, that
they will not leave what God hasalready instilled in them or
what we have already instilledin them.
So I'm so thankful that we wereable to do this.
(01:03:13):
Elder Harper, you have reallyblessed my soul and, if y'all
don't know me, elder Harper,been at this for years.
Okay, we had a conversationyears ago.
It would be so awesome.
I mean, we would probably bemillionaires right now.
(01:03:37):
But anyways, I thank you.
I would love for Elder Harper tosay a quick prayer.
Make sure you like it.
You're sharing, you'recommenting, you're going where
you can receive the message thatGod has planted in us, and then
we'll see you on the next one.
(01:03:57):
So, elder Harper, if you couldsay a quick prayer and then
we'll be at your way.
All right, father, we thank youtonight, lord God, for who you
are, for all that you have donefor us, for all the many ways
that you have kept us, kept ourminds, kept our families that
you have brought us through.
Lord, we just praise you andthank you for the memorials and
(01:04:19):
the things that you have donealready and as we have conversed
tonight, Lord God, and thingshave been talked about and
brought up, lord God, we prayfor our audience.
We pray for each one who willhear this now and hear it in the
future.
We pray, lord God, that yourpeople are brought into a space,
lord, where there is morelearning, more growth, more
(01:04:40):
development, lord God, and thatthere is a place where they can
feel seen and heard andunderstood.
We thank you that ultimately,you are our source and we pray,
father God, for community foryour people, for solution for
your people.
We ask, lord God, that ourfamilies are bonded together and
loved and that we develop andgrow in different strategies and
(01:05:03):
skills.
Lord that is able to bring ustighter and closer together in
our communication, in our lovewalk with each other.
So, god, I pray that we, as wedepart off this broadcast, lord
God, that the conversationcontinues and that you're
covering it, lord, and that youare blessing what we're doing
(01:05:27):
and that your people are blessedfrom it.
We thank you for it all andit's in Jesus' name we cry Amen,
amen, amen, all right, you allAll right.
We thank you, we thank you, welove you.
We want you to just make surethat you are staying cute, for
Christ's sake.
All right, bye y'all.
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