Crafting New Traditions from Old Memories

What happens when holiday traditions collide with the raw emotions of grief and loss? Join me, Carmen Cauthen, as I unravel this complex question through an emotional journey of memory and legacy. After the passing of my parents, the holidays took on a new shape, presenting challenges and opportunities for growth. Together, we'll explore how cherished holiday ornaments become more than just decorations but powerful emblems of family history. Grant yourself the freedom to reshape traditions to align with your current emotional landscape, ensuring they honor the past while providing comfort and connection in the present.

Family traditions aren't just for the holidays—they're the threads that weave through our lives all year long. Let me take you through treasured moments of my family's history, like our annual 4th of July cookouts and the simple delight of making homemade ice cream. These seemingly ordinary activities play an extraordinary role in shaping our family bonds, becoming memories that echo through generations. 

As you listen, I hope you'll feel inspired to share and preserve your own traditions, recognizing their vital role in fostering a sense of belonging and continuity within your family heritage.

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Carmen Wimberley Cauthen is an author, speaker, and lover of history, Black history in particular. As a truth teller, she delights in finding the hidden truths about the lives of people who made a difference - whether they were unknown icons or regular everyday people.

To Learn more of Carmen:
www.carmencauthen.com
www.researchandresource.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Unseen, unheard.
We've lived like that far toolong.
I'm Carmen Coffin and this isQuiet, no More, hi.
I want to talk about memories,and holiday memories in

(00:23):
particular, because we've justgotten through the holidays.
I wonder what the holidays arelike for you.
What do they bring up, what dothey say to you?
So I have all kinds of memoriesaround holidays and and

(00:44):
holidays have always been goodfor me, but I know that for some
people they can be difficult.
I will say that the first yearafter my mother and my father,
each year, after each one ofthem passed, the holidays were
different.
We tried to do the same things.
We tried to do the same things.

(01:05):
We tried to keep the sametraditions going, and it wasn't
just the Christmas holiday forus, it was every holiday.
For that first year, everythingwas different.
Mother's Day was different,father's Day was different,
easter, valentine's Day, eventhings like Halloween.

(01:29):
You know we had traditions thatwe had based around holidays,
because that's what we do, butwhen somebody's missing, who's
been part of the holiday for along time, it changes how you do
the holiday for a long time.
It changes how you do theholiday.

(01:49):
So in my family when we weregrowing up Thanksgiving when we
were growing up, we would go tomy paternal uncle's house and
have dinner with his family andthen, as other family members
moved into the same town we werein, we would go to a different
aunt's house a maternal aunt'shouse and have our holiday, our

(02:13):
Thanksgiving meal.
And the first year aftersomeone passed, it was just

(02:36):
different.
It was just different AtChristmas.
Christmas Eve we would haveafter we had grown up, because
when we were little we would getin the back of the.
My mother decided that shewould start hosting Christmas
Eve dinner with both sides ofthe family at our house and we
would exchange gifts.
Well, the year after she diedand she died right before

(03:10):
Thanksgiving she had alreadyplanned for the family to take a
trip.
So we took that trip and wetried to recreate that Christmas
Eve dinner at an assistedliving facility, and it was hard
.
We didn't have a tree, so wetook the tree that was in the
hallway.
It wasn't the same way.
We fixed food, nothing was thesame, and all I could think
after that was over was I'm notdoing that again.

(03:32):
So it became a decision to maketo either suffer through that
time or to make it different.
And it's okay to make itdifferent when you're grieving.
It's okay to make it differentIf you just want to change your
tradition and change somethingup.

(03:55):
My children still are not aboutto.
Let me change the food atThanksgiving.
It still has to be the samemenu.
Don't be trying any new recipeswhen it's a holiday, but
sometimes, for our own peace, weneed to change some of the
traditions that we've hadbecause they don't work without

(04:18):
certain people there, and that'sokay.
You need to give yourselfpermission as part of your
grieving.
You need to give yourselfpermission, as part of your
growing, to do some thingsdifferently, and it is a
permission thing.
You don't have to do things thesame way all the time, but you

(04:40):
do have to give yourselfacknowledgement that you're
making a change.
Otherwise, it begins to feellike you've messed something up,
but you haven't.
You just made a change.
One of the other things that wedo during our holidays is,

(05:02):
especially during the Christmasholidays.
One of the things I love to dois to put up my tree, and I have
collected ornaments forever,and so the ornaments that are on
my tree are ornaments.
Some of them are my maternalgrandmother's ornaments glass

(05:23):
ornaments that are hand-paintedthat she had.
Some of them are ornaments thatI made as a child.
Some of them are ornaments thatwe had on our trees when I was
growing up.
Those things are important tome because they are a reminder
that bind me to my legacy and tomy ancestors.

(05:44):
But I also have collections ofother ornaments.
When I worked at thelegislature, the Museum of
History had ornaments made everyyear, and so I have a
collection of ornaments thattell me things about the state
of North Carolina, and when myyounger cousins were students in

(06:06):
Virginia, they would sell WhiteHouse historical ornaments.
So I have a collection of those.
I can almost tell you whereevery ornament came from or the
story behind it, and thatcontinues to bind me to other
things.
I still collect hallmarkornaments every year, and I know

(06:31):
these ornaments can increase invalue.
So while I'm collecting andlooking at things that I like,
I'm also planning to leave thosethings to my children, so it's
legacy building for them as well.
So it's legacy building forthem as well, and I don't like
to travel somewhere and not getan ornament to remind me of

(06:53):
where I've been.
So this year we went to.
This past year we went toDisney World in Florida and it
was something that my oldestchild wanted to do for her
birthday.
So for Christmas I was shoppingand saw that Lennox had

(07:14):
ornaments that were Cinderella'scastle and they were beautiful.
So I got one for each of mygirls to remind them of the
experience that we had had,because that's what it is all
about it's memories and legacyand experience.
And so what are you doing toremind yourself and your family

(07:37):
members of the experiences thatyou have had, and how do you fit
that into your holidaytraditions?
And this is not just somethingfor the holidays that we
celebrate at the end of the year.
We celebrate all kinds ofholidays, and so even things

(07:57):
like 4th of July, celebratingIndependence Day, one of the
things that my family used to dowas have a cookout.
The things that my family usedto do was have a cookout.
My mom would invite familymembers over.
We would go out back on theporch or in the stoop actually
it wasn't really a porch and wewould crank and make homemade

(08:26):
ice cream.
I remember the recipes for theice cream and how we would have
to make the custard the daybefore and put it in the
refrigerator to chill, and wewere so excited when we finally
got an electric ice cream makerso we didn't have to try to hand
crank the ice cream.
We would do it, but then wewould get so tired because our
arms would just hurt and soDaddy would have to come and

(08:47):
finish cranking the ice cream.
But those were things that werespecial memories and those are
the kinds of things that we handdown to our children, and
sometimes we don't even realizethat we're handing down memories
of things that we did.
It's just what we do.
So I want you to think aboutthat and I want you to start

(09:11):
sharing that if you haven't beensharing those things with your
family, because it's importantto be quiet, no more when we
talk about family history,memories and holidays, history,
memories and holidays.
You've been listening to Quietno More where I share my journey

(09:39):
, so you can be quiet.