July 8, 2025 • 23 mins
What happens when a snarky cat tangles with a kitten from a polygamist cult in Utah? Tune in each week to hear a chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park on Pet Life Radio. Meow Kitties!
EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 05
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EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 05
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/quirky-cat-nips-pet-life-radio-original--6670161/support.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey Life, this is Pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets,
cat lovers and feline friends.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skidters goes Cattie wump Us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Splat Meow Bitches Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat. Part five.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I get around more than most cats. A lot of
this is because Nancy Neptune took me everywhere she went
as a kitten. I was thoroughly humiliated to find myself
leashed like a dog. I quickly prove my willingness to
stick around or at the very least return When my
name is called Frankly, I've grown fond of having three
(01:34):
squares a day and thus have no plans of wandering
off anyway. Unlike most cats, I don't shed my coat
in fear when I'm in a car, and I actually
enjoy riding in the cargo bin of an ATV, a
key mode of transportation in this part of Utah. I've
also done quite a bit of foot exploration, though I
(01:54):
really hate to get my handsomely striped coat all dusty.
Much of my social life revolves around my frequent visits
to Navel, especially on Sundays, when the city hosts a
weekly party in Central Park. The place is crawling with dogs,
but I'm the only cat who shows up, unless you
(02:14):
count Marmalade, the patchy old mama cat who lives across
the street. She wandered over one afternoon, not because she
wanted to join the festivities, but because Marmalade is pretty
much blind and literally has no clue as to where
she is most of the time. I considered escorting Marmalade
(02:35):
back home, but then thought better of it. What if
the dogs in the park thought I was trying to
get jiggy with her. I have my reputation to think about.
You know, once I hooked up with Harriet, I made
it a point to tag along with Brandon and Taje
every time they headed out on the ATVs. They usually
wound up at Legacy Grove, the place I once called
(02:58):
home when Nancy Neptune was my human Besides being the
spot where I lost my heart to Harriet, Legacy Grove
has the most radiant orange trees, although actually eating this
particular fruit is ill advised, even for a cat with
a cast iron stomach. Next to Legacy Grove, my favorite
(03:19):
place to visit is the Oasis. I was thoroughly perturbed
when Brandon and Tage purposely left me behind when they
went to the Oasis to pull a stunt their parents
most certainly wouldn't approve of. Upon discovering I'd been left
off the guest list for the Big Oasis mission, I
took matters into my own pause and set off on foot.
(03:41):
It took almost an hour to get there. I was
cranky from the long walk, so I elected not to
let the boys know I was around.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah. Chapter five, Brandon Spinkle being the son of a
rectal surgeon isn't all. It's cracked up to be. I
never know who is trying to use me to get
to my dad. Obviously, I didn't have to worry about Taj,
but my first girlfriend really stuck it up my wazoo
(04:11):
as a way to announce to the world that he
not only operates on Tushy's but also sings about it.
Dad in Blue put together a film that premiered at
the Diamonds in the Desert Casino. I'd been obsessing over
a girl at school named Sherry, so I asked her
to be my date for the show. Taj and his
parents were there too, but Sherry was my official plus one. Wow,
(04:35):
what a mistake. They hadn't even rolled the credits before
Sherry started acting like she was some sort of hot Inchilada.
She said a bunch of dopey stuff to the guys
in the band, trying to make them think this wasn't
the first time she'd ever been backstage at a big event.
What a poser at school. The following Monday, Sherry was
(04:57):
yacking about the rectal surgeons like she was their new
road manager. Half the stuff Sherry said wasn't even true.
Las Vegas is full of entertainers, so I'm not the
only kid at school who has a parent on parade,
but I am definitely the only one dumb enough to
try and date a girl like Sherry. We'd only been
going out for a couple of weeks before she started
(05:19):
nagging me about following in Dad's footsteps. I had heard
of the Rectal Surgeons, but never listened to their music
until Dad exposed himself as the lead singer. For the
first time in my life, I thought of Dad as
being kind of rad. Sure, he was still a snore
fest when it came to his day job, but Dad
(05:39):
was awesome on stage. Without thinking it through, I told
Dad I wanted to play the drums. He said, okay,
but I needed to learn music theory first. According to Dad,
the best way was by taking piano lessons. Coincidentally, my
grandma just happens to be a piano teacher, so I
was pretty much with that deal. Now's a good time
(06:02):
to make note of the fact that I'm not musically inclined.
I went along with the piano lessons because Dad wanted
me to, and Grandma was there to make me do it.
I got a killer drum kit and Dad even arranged
for me to take a couple of lessons from Schlick
von Schlapp, the drummer for the rectal surgeons. It didn't matter.
(06:23):
I just couldn't get into it. Practicing either the drums
or the piano was about as fun as licking a
gas flavored popsicle. Once we moved out of my grandparents' house,
I slacked off and made excuses not to go over
for lessons, even though Grandma only lives about a mile away.
It took a while for Dad to catch on, because
(06:44):
after we got in the new house, he focused all
his attention on trying to get Blue to marry him.
Having Blue in the picture made confessing that I didn't
want to be a musician or a doctor a whole
lot easier. Dad actually seemed a little relieved about the
music part. Anyway. I pretty much blow chunks when it
(07:04):
comes to both the piano and the drums. I think
everyone was glad not to hear my chronically bad covers
of rectal surgeon songs like number two Skidoo. Blue seems
to shave the edge off Dad a little. I like
having her around. Blue is the one adult I can
really talk to. When Sherry went all wiggy on me,
(07:25):
Blue introduced me to my next girlfriend, is La Ray. Stratton.
Blue wasn't trying to set us up or anything, but
she should have known. Isla Ray was born in Zion Flats,
a dingy polygamous town about ten miles from Gecko's Gulch.
Blue's sister Moon helped Isla Ray get out of marrying
this foaming at the mouth freak who's old enough to
(07:49):
be her grandpappy. Now, Isla Ray lives with a woman
who also escaped from Zion Flats. Her name is Meredith Andrews.
When Meredith was just a baby, she was adopted by
the family who owns the Diamonds in the Desert Casino.
Both Isla Ray and Meredith live at the casino, which
is awesome sauce since the place is pimped out like
(08:11):
Kim Kardashian's wet dream. Isla Ray doesn't look like the
other girls from Zion Flats. If she did, there's no
way I'd ever rub up against that isil Ray has
the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen. They look like
they're glowing. She's ten times cuter than Sherry, even though
her blonde hair is almost as short as mine, and
(08:33):
She never wears anything but track suits. Isila Ray even
has some velvet ones for fancy events. I wasted a
bunch of time wondering if Isil Ray would show up
at Dad's wedding in a sweatsuit. But I shouldn't have bothered.
Isle Ray wouldn't step foot in Utah if you gave
her a million bucks. Even though the profit of Zion
(08:53):
Flats has been paid a shit ton of money to
leave her alone. Aila Ray acts like she's being hunted
at all all times. Just for the record, isle Ray
isn't the first girl I've ever kissed, but she's definitely
been the best one so far maybe ever, which really
worries me. Isil Ray is a runner in every way possible.
(09:15):
She's even on a cross country track team, although she's
homeschooled or casino schooled to be more specific. Isle Ray
has a private tutor who makes house calls to diamonds
in the desert. The second anyone tries to get close
to isil Ray, she bolts like a paranoid meth addict.
Trying to have a relationship with her was exhausting. Isi
(09:36):
La Ray didn't have any friends she could fix tas
up with, so he was glad when we finally broke up.
This summer, I plan to radically overhaul my love life tase,
and I think Naval is the best place to land
some decent girlfriends. No one in Naval listens to the
rectal surgeons, so I won't have to worry about any
(09:57):
Sherry wannabes since I've worn off polygamous girls forever. The
Isla Ray thing is history too. Taj isn't what anyone
would consider to be a study wingman, but he's promised
to stop dressing like Alex p Keaton from Family Ties,
so that's a start.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Hang tight, kiddies, We'll be back in a scratch. What
happens when cosmetics and polygamy collide? Find out in Quirkykillers
by A. Dell Park take a trip to quirky polygamist
country where one of the local brides is just itching
(10:37):
to get her husbands to heaven in a hurry. Quirkykillers
Get it today on Audible dot Com. You'll die laughing.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Let's talk past.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Let's at life Radio Headline Radio.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
Atline Radio dot Com.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
We now return to more of Quirky cat Go Splat
by Adell Park on pet Life Radio.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
One of the best things about Naval is that it's
surrounded by ATV trails. For Christmas this year, Dad bought
two new quads and something called a Ranger, which is
really just a large ATV with four seats. I'm not
allowed to take the Ranger out by myself, but Taj
and I can use the quads all we want. There's
some hella cool places to explore, including an oasis that's
(11:35):
only about a mile from Geko's Gulch. It's kind of
hard to find, so Taj and I started making small
piles of rocks to mark the route. Some of the
kids from town must be trying to punk us, because
they kept disappearing. I found the oasis by accident. The
first time I came to Gecko's Gulch, I had gotten
in a big fight with my dad because he wouldn't
(11:57):
let Taj come with us to Utah on that trip.
Just to get under Dad's grill, I snuck out and
went wandering around. I'd only gone about a mile when
I saw this huge splotch of vegetation right in the
middle of the desert. The terrain in this area is hilly,
but you'd still think a place like the oasis would
be easy to spot. I'm not exaggerating when I say
(12:20):
the oasis feels like a chunk of Antarctica relocated to Utah.
It's freezing in there, even when the temperatures are blistering
everywhere else. And then there's all these wild plants, not
just green bushes and palms, but flowering shrubs and Joshua
trees that are always blooming. The north side of the
(12:41):
oasis has a narrow path that looks like the City
of Satan rolled out a welcome matt. Both sides of
it are lined with the fiercest looking orange plants I've
ever seen. I know from hanging around Gecko's gulch that
it's called globe mallow. Moon uses it in her lotions.
The oasis is beautiful, but in a hebe gbi sort
(13:03):
of way. Walking around in there makes me feel all skittish,
like I ate a handful of Mexican jumping beans for lunch.
The oasis isn't very big, but it's super dense and
easy to get lost in there. Tause and I decided
we needed to overcome our fear of the oasis. Then
we'd conquer Juniper hollow, a place the locals claim is
(13:25):
owned by the mob. We tackled the oasis mission first,
since it was easiest. We started by mapping out the area,
counting how many footsteps it takes to walk around the
oasis and then through it. The path with the globe
Mallow only goes about halfway in, then stops at a
wall of Joshua trees. These bad boys will rip your
(13:47):
skin to shreds if you ever make the mistake of
backing into one. There's some other spots in the oasis
that also look like paths, but they all dead end
like the one with the globe Mallow. It was during
one of these expeditions that we stumbled into a grove
of waist high marijuana plants. They were poking out of
the top of some bushes, which would have kept them
(14:10):
hidden if they hadn't grown so tall. It was impossible
not to take this as a sign back up the
bus boys time to get blazed. We waited until Blue
went back to Las Vegas to take Lexi to the airport.
My sister was supposed to spend the first two weeks
of summer at Geko's gulch, but Mom threw a hissy fit,
(14:31):
so Lexi decided to leave early. The twins got all
upset because they think Lexi is like Beyonce or something. Anyway,
Blue and Moon took all the girls to Vegas for
a slumber party the night before they put Lexi on
the plane to La Randall stayed at Gecko's Goults to
supposedly keep an eye on us. Two dainty looking Mormon
(14:53):
missionaries showed up to watch chick flicks and guzzle Rowdy's
Righteous root beer, so we weren't going to be missed
for a few hours hours. It was around five in
the evening, which meant we could serve our mission and
make it back to Gecko's gulch before it got dark.
One thing I know for sure about the oasis, you
really don't want to be there late at night. There
(15:14):
are all kinds of drugs at North Platte High School.
I didn't need to go all the way to Utah
just to get high. This wasn't the purpose anyway. Taj
and I just found this hillatious weed and figured it
was meant to be too bad. This stuff didn't come
with a warning label. I tried a little reefer once,
but it didn't do much for me, not that I cared.
(15:37):
Most of the stoners at my school are such nuge zombies.
I figured I'm better off without it. Taj had even
less experience than me, so it took some time to
figure out the mechanics. The marijuana in the oasis was
still on the vine. We knew enough to realize it
had to dry out before we could smoke it. The
bud we picked was so sticky it was hard to
(15:59):
wash the reds to do off our hands. We let
it dry for a whole day, but even then it
was still kind of soggy. We had to light the
thing completely on fire just to get a hit. It
tasted kind of orange. Taj only took one toke, but
I took two oops. The next few hours were a nightmare,
(16:21):
only I was awake and knew it. I've never been
so panicked in my life. Taj was acting like the
MC of a low budget comedy show, but I was
literally losing my mind. I couldn't stand to be in
the oasis. I crashed through the vegetation with Tas trailing
after me, saying stupid stoner things like we're having a
(16:43):
bake sale, and fear and loathing in naval Utah. I
kept having these horrible waves of panic where I'd shudder
all over. At times it was hard to even breathe.
It was almost dark before Taj and I straightened up
enough to walk back to Geko's gulch. We had only
ridden one ATV in case something like this happened. Taj
(17:06):
stashed the quad behind a bush and took the key out.
The hike to Gecko's gulch was way longer than a mile.
The setting sun was casting weird shadows, so we kept
getting lost. We had stayed up most of the night.
TOAs usually crashes in a bedroom on the other side
of the house, but that night he stayed in the
TV room next to the area where I sleep. I
(17:29):
needed someone nearby in case I had a stroke. I
woke up pretty early the next day, but TOAs had
already left to go get the ATV. When he got back,
I asked if he'd enjoyed our mission. Toz said he
was through at the oasis, thank god. A few hours
later we were presented with another chance to kill some
(17:51):
brain cells. This time we didn't take the bait. Every
Sunday there's a big wing ding in Navel after the
local yeehaus get out of church. Most Mormons sit through
a dreary three hour service and then go home to
slog through more mind numbing prayers. Joseph Stratton, the guy
who founded this area, didn't go for that. Church in
(18:14):
Naval only lasts an hour. Then everyone heads over to
Central Park. The entire place is crammed with food booths
and kids acting like they've been mainlining sugar all morning.
Most public pools in Utah are closed on Sunday to
make sure everyone is properly miserable. But in Naval the
pool is open and it's free to get in. No
(18:37):
one from Gecko's gulch ever goes to church, but we
all like to show up for the after party. Taz
and I were trying to erase the memories of the
night before by out flipping each other on the high
dive at the pool. We were hanging out with some
other guys we had met during a visit last spring.
One of them is a dude named Kiefer Nichols. His
(18:58):
dad is a deputy with the Pit County Sheriff's Department.
Somehow Keifer had gotten a hold of a bunch of pills.
My dad deals with a lot of patients who are
so strung out on these pellets they can't take a
daily dump. Keifer and his posse were dicking off around
the pool, doing really obnoxious things and terrorizing little kids.
(19:20):
Taj and I were trying to ditch them when Keifer
offered us something called a yippie app. I'd never heard
that term before, but it described the way these imbeciles
were acting to a te Keifer seemed like he needed
a little schooling, so I told him, my dad earns
a fortune shoveling crap out of the fart funnels of
pillbillies like him. Taking pills doesn't make you cool, it
(19:43):
makes you full of shit, I said, with a little
more force than needed. Come on, Taj, let's get away
from these pudding pinchers. Taj couldn't help chiming in about
how he'd be thinking of them tomorrow as he was
enjoying a nice, refreshing poop refreshing exactly what kind of
bathroom experiences toash having, I knew I was making a
(20:05):
mortal enemy of Kiefer. Why not go whole hog and
make a play for his girlfriend, Courtney Fletcher. We left
the pool and headed over to the spot in the
park where Randall had spread out a blanket. He was
surrounded by a group of girls, all blabbering at the
same time. Randall is the head of the Naval Days
beauty pageant, so the girls in town suck up to
(20:28):
him big time. Courtney was one of them. OMG, she
was even petting Skidters. I could have told Courtney this
wouldn't impress Randall in the least, but I liked watching
her fake adore Skitterers. It's weird that Randall and Moon,
for that matter, let skitters tag along wherever they go.
(20:49):
It's like Skidders is a dog or something. Seeing all
these hatties made me and Tash realize we were spending
our time on all the wrong things we agree we need.
The best way to correct this problem was to each
perform one final mega mission. Mine was specifically aimed at Courtney.
Not only did I want to stick it to Kiefer
(21:11):
by stealing his girlfriend, but Courtney might also have some
interesting information about Juniper Hollow. Her family used to own
the place. Blue suggests that I write about something I'm
interested in to make my American Studies assignment less painful. Well,
murder interests me. From what I've read, there have been
(21:32):
more murders at Juniper Hollow than anyone can count. No
one has ever been arrested. Moon says these cases are
so obvious a kindergartner could crack them, but the local
cops apparently aren't interested. There was a time in our
country when alcohol was against the law. People in this
part of Utah never did drink, so the Fletchers were
(21:54):
making moonshine in the caves at Juniper Hollow and selling
it to the mob in Las Vegas. Somehow they got
double crossed, and a crime family named De Luca wound
up owning Juniper Hollow. A few years ago, Nicholas de
Luca wormed his way in with that creepy crowd from
Zion Flats. Once again, people started dying. One of them
(22:17):
was the stepmother of Evangeline, this ghoulish kid who works
at Gecko's gulch. Juniper Hollow doesn't look like the sort
of place where a bunch of gruesome murders went down.
The house is no longer there, but there's a gazebo
in the middle of the lake still standing. The columns
are made of stone, so maybe that's why we call
(22:37):
it Forbidden Lake. Because Blue told me never to go
in it. I gave her my word I wouldn't, but
Taj never did. It was a technicality I hoped I
wouldn't have to point out.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Don't be a jerk. Listen to the quirk Quirky Cat
Gets Ghosted. That is this zany audio book by Adel
Park is The Cat's Me Out. Find out what happens
when a ghost gets trapped at the DMV and requires
the assistance of a snarky cat named Skidders to help
her crossover.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
I'm so happy I could heave hairballs.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Quirkycat Gets Ghosted. Get Ghosted today on audible dot com.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Let's Talk Pets every week on demand only on Petlifradio
dot com.
Hey Life, this is Pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets,
cat lovers and feline friends.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skidters goes Cattie wump Us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Splat Meow Bitches Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat. Part five.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
I get around more than most cats. A lot of
this is because Nancy Neptune took me everywhere she went
as a kitten. I was thoroughly humiliated to find myself
leashed like a dog. I quickly prove my willingness to
stick around or at the very least return When my
name is called Frankly, I've grown fond of having three
(01:34):
squares a day and thus have no plans of wandering
off anyway. Unlike most cats, I don't shed my coat
in fear when I'm in a car, and I actually
enjoy riding in the cargo bin of an ATV, a
key mode of transportation in this part of Utah. I've
also done quite a bit of foot exploration, though I
(01:54):
really hate to get my handsomely striped coat all dusty.
Much of my social life revolves around my frequent visits
to Navel, especially on Sundays, when the city hosts a
weekly party in Central Park. The place is crawling with dogs,
but I'm the only cat who shows up, unless you
(02:14):
count Marmalade, the patchy old mama cat who lives across
the street. She wandered over one afternoon, not because she
wanted to join the festivities, but because Marmalade is pretty
much blind and literally has no clue as to where
she is most of the time. I considered escorting Marmalade
(02:35):
back home, but then thought better of it. What if
the dogs in the park thought I was trying to
get jiggy with her. I have my reputation to think about.
You know, once I hooked up with Harriet, I made
it a point to tag along with Brandon and Taje
every time they headed out on the ATVs. They usually
wound up at Legacy Grove, the place I once called
(02:58):
home when Nancy Neptune was my human Besides being the
spot where I lost my heart to Harriet, Legacy Grove
has the most radiant orange trees, although actually eating this
particular fruit is ill advised, even for a cat with
a cast iron stomach. Next to Legacy Grove, my favorite
(03:19):
place to visit is the Oasis. I was thoroughly perturbed
when Brandon and Tage purposely left me behind when they
went to the Oasis to pull a stunt their parents
most certainly wouldn't approve of. Upon discovering I'd been left
off the guest list for the Big Oasis mission, I
took matters into my own pause and set off on foot.
(03:41):
It took almost an hour to get there. I was
cranky from the long walk, so I elected not to
let the boys know I was around.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah. Chapter five, Brandon Spinkle being the son of a
rectal surgeon isn't all. It's cracked up to be. I
never know who is trying to use me to get
to my dad. Obviously, I didn't have to worry about Taj,
but my first girlfriend really stuck it up my wazoo
(04:11):
as a way to announce to the world that he
not only operates on Tushy's but also sings about it.
Dad in Blue put together a film that premiered at
the Diamonds in the Desert Casino. I'd been obsessing over
a girl at school named Sherry, so I asked her
to be my date for the show. Taj and his
parents were there too, but Sherry was my official plus one. Wow,
(04:35):
what a mistake. They hadn't even rolled the credits before
Sherry started acting like she was some sort of hot Inchilada.
She said a bunch of dopey stuff to the guys
in the band, trying to make them think this wasn't
the first time she'd ever been backstage at a big event.
What a poser at school. The following Monday, Sherry was
(04:57):
yacking about the rectal surgeons like she was their new
road manager. Half the stuff Sherry said wasn't even true.
Las Vegas is full of entertainers, so I'm not the
only kid at school who has a parent on parade,
but I am definitely the only one dumb enough to
try and date a girl like Sherry. We'd only been
going out for a couple of weeks before she started
(05:19):
nagging me about following in Dad's footsteps. I had heard
of the Rectal Surgeons, but never listened to their music
until Dad exposed himself as the lead singer. For the
first time in my life, I thought of Dad as
being kind of rad. Sure, he was still a snore
fest when it came to his day job, but Dad
(05:39):
was awesome on stage. Without thinking it through, I told
Dad I wanted to play the drums. He said, okay,
but I needed to learn music theory first. According to Dad,
the best way was by taking piano lessons. Coincidentally, my
grandma just happens to be a piano teacher, so I
was pretty much with that deal. Now's a good time
(06:02):
to make note of the fact that I'm not musically inclined.
I went along with the piano lessons because Dad wanted
me to, and Grandma was there to make me do it.
I got a killer drum kit and Dad even arranged
for me to take a couple of lessons from Schlick
von Schlapp, the drummer for the rectal surgeons. It didn't matter.
(06:23):
I just couldn't get into it. Practicing either the drums
or the piano was about as fun as licking a
gas flavored popsicle. Once we moved out of my grandparents' house,
I slacked off and made excuses not to go over
for lessons, even though Grandma only lives about a mile away.
It took a while for Dad to catch on, because
(06:44):
after we got in the new house, he focused all
his attention on trying to get Blue to marry him.
Having Blue in the picture made confessing that I didn't
want to be a musician or a doctor a whole
lot easier. Dad actually seemed a little relieved about the
music part. Anyway. I pretty much blow chunks when it
(07:04):
comes to both the piano and the drums. I think
everyone was glad not to hear my chronically bad covers
of rectal surgeon songs like number two Skidoo. Blue seems
to shave the edge off Dad a little. I like
having her around. Blue is the one adult I can
really talk to. When Sherry went all wiggy on me,
(07:25):
Blue introduced me to my next girlfriend, is La Ray. Stratton.
Blue wasn't trying to set us up or anything, but
she should have known. Isla Ray was born in Zion Flats,
a dingy polygamous town about ten miles from Gecko's Gulch.
Blue's sister Moon helped Isla Ray get out of marrying
this foaming at the mouth freak who's old enough to
(07:49):
be her grandpappy. Now, Isla Ray lives with a woman
who also escaped from Zion Flats. Her name is Meredith Andrews.
When Meredith was just a baby, she was adopted by
the family who owns the Diamonds in the Desert Casino.
Both Isla Ray and Meredith live at the casino, which
is awesome sauce since the place is pimped out like
(08:11):
Kim Kardashian's wet dream. Isla Ray doesn't look like the
other girls from Zion Flats. If she did, there's no
way I'd ever rub up against that isil Ray has
the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen. They look like
they're glowing. She's ten times cuter than Sherry, even though
her blonde hair is almost as short as mine, and
(08:33):
She never wears anything but track suits. Isila Ray even
has some velvet ones for fancy events. I wasted a
bunch of time wondering if Isil Ray would show up
at Dad's wedding in a sweatsuit. But I shouldn't have bothered.
Isle Ray wouldn't step foot in Utah if you gave
her a million bucks. Even though the profit of Zion
(08:53):
Flats has been paid a shit ton of money to
leave her alone. Aila Ray acts like she's being hunted
at all all times. Just for the record, isle Ray
isn't the first girl I've ever kissed, but she's definitely
been the best one so far maybe ever, which really
worries me. Isil Ray is a runner in every way possible.
(09:15):
She's even on a cross country track team, although she's
homeschooled or casino schooled to be more specific. Isle Ray
has a private tutor who makes house calls to diamonds
in the desert. The second anyone tries to get close
to isil Ray, she bolts like a paranoid meth addict.
Trying to have a relationship with her was exhausting. Isi
(09:36):
La Ray didn't have any friends she could fix tas
up with, so he was glad when we finally broke up.
This summer, I plan to radically overhaul my love life tase,
and I think Naval is the best place to land
some decent girlfriends. No one in Naval listens to the
rectal surgeons, so I won't have to worry about any
(09:57):
Sherry wannabes since I've worn off polygamous girls forever. The
Isla Ray thing is history too. Taj isn't what anyone
would consider to be a study wingman, but he's promised
to stop dressing like Alex p Keaton from Family Ties,
so that's a start.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Hang tight, kiddies, We'll be back in a scratch. What
happens when cosmetics and polygamy collide? Find out in Quirkykillers
by A. Dell Park take a trip to quirky polygamist
country where one of the local brides is just itching
(10:37):
to get her husbands to heaven in a hurry. Quirkykillers
Get it today on Audible dot Com. You'll die laughing.
Speaker 4 (10:52):
Let's talk past.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Let's at life Radio Headline Radio.
Speaker 4 (10:56):
Atline Radio dot Com.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
We now return to more of Quirky cat Go Splat
by Adell Park on pet Life Radio.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
One of the best things about Naval is that it's
surrounded by ATV trails. For Christmas this year, Dad bought
two new quads and something called a Ranger, which is
really just a large ATV with four seats. I'm not
allowed to take the Ranger out by myself, but Taj
and I can use the quads all we want. There's
some hella cool places to explore, including an oasis that's
(11:35):
only about a mile from Geko's Gulch. It's kind of
hard to find, so Taj and I started making small
piles of rocks to mark the route. Some of the
kids from town must be trying to punk us, because
they kept disappearing. I found the oasis by accident. The
first time I came to Gecko's Gulch, I had gotten
in a big fight with my dad because he wouldn't
(11:57):
let Taj come with us to Utah on that trip.
Just to get under Dad's grill, I snuck out and
went wandering around. I'd only gone about a mile when
I saw this huge splotch of vegetation right in the
middle of the desert. The terrain in this area is hilly,
but you'd still think a place like the oasis would
be easy to spot. I'm not exaggerating when I say
(12:20):
the oasis feels like a chunk of Antarctica relocated to Utah.
It's freezing in there, even when the temperatures are blistering
everywhere else. And then there's all these wild plants, not
just green bushes and palms, but flowering shrubs and Joshua
trees that are always blooming. The north side of the
(12:41):
oasis has a narrow path that looks like the City
of Satan rolled out a welcome matt. Both sides of
it are lined with the fiercest looking orange plants I've
ever seen. I know from hanging around Gecko's gulch that
it's called globe mallow. Moon uses it in her lotions.
The oasis is beautiful, but in a hebe gbi sort
(13:03):
of way. Walking around in there makes me feel all skittish,
like I ate a handful of Mexican jumping beans for lunch.
The oasis isn't very big, but it's super dense and
easy to get lost in there. Tause and I decided
we needed to overcome our fear of the oasis. Then
we'd conquer Juniper hollow, a place the locals claim is
(13:25):
owned by the mob. We tackled the oasis mission first,
since it was easiest. We started by mapping out the area,
counting how many footsteps it takes to walk around the
oasis and then through it. The path with the globe
Mallow only goes about halfway in, then stops at a
wall of Joshua trees. These bad boys will rip your
(13:47):
skin to shreds if you ever make the mistake of
backing into one. There's some other spots in the oasis
that also look like paths, but they all dead end
like the one with the globe Mallow. It was during
one of these expeditions that we stumbled into a grove
of waist high marijuana plants. They were poking out of
the top of some bushes, which would have kept them
(14:10):
hidden if they hadn't grown so tall. It was impossible
not to take this as a sign back up the
bus boys time to get blazed. We waited until Blue
went back to Las Vegas to take Lexi to the airport.
My sister was supposed to spend the first two weeks
of summer at Geko's gulch, but Mom threw a hissy fit,
(14:31):
so Lexi decided to leave early. The twins got all
upset because they think Lexi is like Beyonce or something. Anyway,
Blue and Moon took all the girls to Vegas for
a slumber party the night before they put Lexi on
the plane to La Randall stayed at Gecko's Goults to
supposedly keep an eye on us. Two dainty looking Mormon
(14:53):
missionaries showed up to watch chick flicks and guzzle Rowdy's
Righteous root beer, so we weren't going to be missed
for a few hours hours. It was around five in
the evening, which meant we could serve our mission and
make it back to Gecko's gulch before it got dark.
One thing I know for sure about the oasis, you
really don't want to be there late at night. There
(15:14):
are all kinds of drugs at North Platte High School.
I didn't need to go all the way to Utah
just to get high. This wasn't the purpose anyway. Taj
and I just found this hillatious weed and figured it
was meant to be too bad. This stuff didn't come
with a warning label. I tried a little reefer once,
but it didn't do much for me, not that I cared.
(15:37):
Most of the stoners at my school are such nuge zombies.
I figured I'm better off without it. Taj had even
less experience than me, so it took some time to
figure out the mechanics. The marijuana in the oasis was
still on the vine. We knew enough to realize it
had to dry out before we could smoke it. The
bud we picked was so sticky it was hard to
(15:59):
wash the reds to do off our hands. We let
it dry for a whole day, but even then it
was still kind of soggy. We had to light the
thing completely on fire just to get a hit. It
tasted kind of orange. Taj only took one toke, but
I took two oops. The next few hours were a nightmare,
(16:21):
only I was awake and knew it. I've never been
so panicked in my life. Taj was acting like the
MC of a low budget comedy show, but I was
literally losing my mind. I couldn't stand to be in
the oasis. I crashed through the vegetation with Tas trailing
after me, saying stupid stoner things like we're having a
(16:43):
bake sale, and fear and loathing in naval Utah. I
kept having these horrible waves of panic where I'd shudder
all over. At times it was hard to even breathe.
It was almost dark before Taj and I straightened up
enough to walk back to Geko's gulch. We had only
ridden one ATV in case something like this happened. Taj
(17:06):
stashed the quad behind a bush and took the key out.
The hike to Gecko's gulch was way longer than a mile.
The setting sun was casting weird shadows, so we kept
getting lost. We had stayed up most of the night.
TOAs usually crashes in a bedroom on the other side
of the house, but that night he stayed in the
TV room next to the area where I sleep. I
(17:29):
needed someone nearby in case I had a stroke. I
woke up pretty early the next day, but TOAs had
already left to go get the ATV. When he got back,
I asked if he'd enjoyed our mission. Toz said he
was through at the oasis, thank god. A few hours
later we were presented with another chance to kill some
(17:51):
brain cells. This time we didn't take the bait. Every
Sunday there's a big wing ding in Navel after the
local yeehaus get out of church. Most Mormons sit through
a dreary three hour service and then go home to
slog through more mind numbing prayers. Joseph Stratton, the guy
who founded this area, didn't go for that. Church in
(18:14):
Naval only lasts an hour. Then everyone heads over to
Central Park. The entire place is crammed with food booths
and kids acting like they've been mainlining sugar all morning.
Most public pools in Utah are closed on Sunday to
make sure everyone is properly miserable. But in Naval the
pool is open and it's free to get in. No
(18:37):
one from Gecko's gulch ever goes to church, but we
all like to show up for the after party. Taz
and I were trying to erase the memories of the
night before by out flipping each other on the high
dive at the pool. We were hanging out with some
other guys we had met during a visit last spring.
One of them is a dude named Kiefer Nichols. His
(18:58):
dad is a deputy with the Pit County Sheriff's Department.
Somehow Keifer had gotten a hold of a bunch of pills.
My dad deals with a lot of patients who are
so strung out on these pellets they can't take a
daily dump. Keifer and his posse were dicking off around
the pool, doing really obnoxious things and terrorizing little kids.
(19:20):
Taj and I were trying to ditch them when Keifer
offered us something called a yippie app. I'd never heard
that term before, but it described the way these imbeciles
were acting to a te Keifer seemed like he needed
a little schooling, so I told him, my dad earns
a fortune shoveling crap out of the fart funnels of
pillbillies like him. Taking pills doesn't make you cool, it
(19:43):
makes you full of shit, I said, with a little
more force than needed. Come on, Taj, let's get away
from these pudding pinchers. Taj couldn't help chiming in about
how he'd be thinking of them tomorrow as he was
enjoying a nice, refreshing poop refreshing exactly what kind of
bathroom experiences toash having, I knew I was making a
(20:05):
mortal enemy of Kiefer. Why not go whole hog and
make a play for his girlfriend, Courtney Fletcher. We left
the pool and headed over to the spot in the
park where Randall had spread out a blanket. He was
surrounded by a group of girls, all blabbering at the
same time. Randall is the head of the Naval Days
beauty pageant, so the girls in town suck up to
(20:28):
him big time. Courtney was one of them. OMG, she
was even petting Skidters. I could have told Courtney this
wouldn't impress Randall in the least, but I liked watching
her fake adore Skitterers. It's weird that Randall and Moon,
for that matter, let skitters tag along wherever they go.
(20:49):
It's like Skidders is a dog or something. Seeing all
these hatties made me and Tash realize we were spending
our time on all the wrong things we agree we need.
The best way to correct this problem was to each
perform one final mega mission. Mine was specifically aimed at Courtney.
Not only did I want to stick it to Kiefer
(21:11):
by stealing his girlfriend, but Courtney might also have some
interesting information about Juniper Hollow. Her family used to own
the place. Blue suggests that I write about something I'm
interested in to make my American Studies assignment less painful. Well,
murder interests me. From what I've read, there have been
(21:32):
more murders at Juniper Hollow than anyone can count. No
one has ever been arrested. Moon says these cases are
so obvious a kindergartner could crack them, but the local
cops apparently aren't interested. There was a time in our
country when alcohol was against the law. People in this
part of Utah never did drink, so the Fletchers were
(21:54):
making moonshine in the caves at Juniper Hollow and selling
it to the mob in Las Vegas. Somehow they got
double crossed, and a crime family named De Luca wound
up owning Juniper Hollow. A few years ago, Nicholas de
Luca wormed his way in with that creepy crowd from
Zion Flats. Once again, people started dying. One of them
(22:17):
was the stepmother of Evangeline, this ghoulish kid who works
at Gecko's gulch. Juniper Hollow doesn't look like the sort
of place where a bunch of gruesome murders went down.
The house is no longer there, but there's a gazebo
in the middle of the lake still standing. The columns
are made of stone, so maybe that's why we call
(22:37):
it Forbidden Lake. Because Blue told me never to go
in it. I gave her my word I wouldn't, but
Taj never did. It was a technicality I hoped I
wouldn't have to point out.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Don't be a jerk. Listen to the quirk Quirky Cat
Gets Ghosted. That is this zany audio book by Adel
Park is The Cat's Me Out. Find out what happens
when a ghost gets trapped at the DMV and requires
the assistance of a snarky cat named Skidders to help
her crossover.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
I'm so happy I could heave hairballs.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Quirkycat Gets Ghosted. Get Ghosted today on audible dot com.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Let's Talk Pets every week on demand only on Petlifradio
dot com.
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