Quirky Cat Nips - Episode 58 Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 07

What happens when a snarky cat tangles with a kitten from a polygamist cult in Utah? Tune in each week to hear a chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park on Pet Life Radio. Meow Kitties!

EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 07

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey Life.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
This is Pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets, cat lovers
and feline friends. It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skitters goes Cattie wump us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only

(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio. Meow Kiddies.

Speaker 3 (00:46):
Audio recording Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
Spat Meow Bitches, Twisted Tails by Skidders The Cat Part seven.
Certain humans like to lament about how aloof cats are
like that's something bad And just because cats seem disinterested

(01:22):
doesn't mean our brains are all catawampus. I have better
ideas on how to get my way than anyone would
ever give me credit for. If I've got a complaint,
Eye meow loudly at Randall, the father of my twin humans.
He'll do anything to shut me up. When I holler

(01:43):
from the kitchen, it means my water dish is empty
or has something disgusting floating in it which I don't
care to drink Around nighttime, yowls are a signal I'm
trapped in the twin's bedroom, where I could potentially create
chaos unless he frees me. It took Randall more time
than I would have imagined to figure out he should
leave the door to the twins' bedroom cracked open when

(02:05):
they drift off the dreamland. I'll be the first to
admit I like to sleep around. As much as I
adore my twins, I don't care to spend the entire
night with them. These little darlings have turned me into
the subject of a nightly tug of war. Their fights
over which bed I'm to sleep on are ruckous, even

(02:26):
by a cat standards. At one point, they pushed their
beds together and stretched me out in the middle. I
kept sinking into the crack between them, which didn't please
me in the least. Finally, they came up with the
brilliant idea to have me switch beds each night. The
cat sharing plan then led to a brawl over which

(02:47):
one would get the most nights during the first week
of the arrangement. The trouble doesn't end even when bedtime
goes off without a hitch. I can't blame the twins
for finding me irresistible, but they both employ a suffocating
deathlike grip on me while they're sleeping. My exit strategy
is to wiggle out after they drift off, then catterwall

(03:10):
at the door until Randall comes to let me out.
The twins are blissfully unaware of my departure. They could
sleep through a typhoon. Besides knowing who to befriend, I'm
also keenly aware of who to steer clear of. In
the case of Moon McKenna, the mother of my twins,
it's best to not be seen or heard. As long

(03:34):
as I don't cross Moon, I've got free run of
the house. At Gecko's gulch Ba Chapter seven, Moon McKenna.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
Life is a bit and then you die. I always
thought that saying was for losers and lameoids. Then I
met the women from Zion Flats. Dying is actually the
good part. Of course. Polygamous theology dict these unfortunates will
still be hitched to each other in heaven, whether they

(04:05):
like it or not. The only relief they get is
knowing the randy old goat they jointly married won't be
able to keep knocking them up in heaven. I've had
my fill of pregnancy, two girls in the same junket.
My daughters bring me the greatest joy, but they decimated
my boobs and shredded my uterus. The twins turned six

(04:29):
in August, which means they'll be in school full time
next year. Hallelujah. I logged countless miles on my new
suv taking them to kindergarten. Last year, my husband, Randal
was in beauty college, so I got stuck with all
the driving. Now that Randal has opened a salon in Navel,

(04:50):
he'll be able to take the girls in the morning.
I was glad when my sister Blew decided to spend
the summer at Gecko's gulch. She helps a lot with
the twins, especially when I'm busy in the lab At
Good Karma. Blue brought along her steps on Brandon and
his friend Taj. So far, they don't seem to be

(05:10):
much of a problem, or at least not that I'm
aware of. My rule of being a good guest is this,
don't do anything so egregious that it comes to my attention.
There's enough trouble burbling in this part of Utah without
a couple of teenagers touching off the Third World War.
All polygamists are not created equal, but when one group

(05:33):
goes down, everyone lives in fear. Scared people do scary things.
The polygamists from Zion Flats are not related to the
ones ruled by Warren Jeff's the big plig from Colorado City,
but they are equally dangerous. When the Feds finally caught
up to Warren, everyone in Zion Flats got real nervous.

(05:56):
The religious doctrine of arranged marriages between teenage girls, roles
and dirty old men was suddenly on trial for the
whole world to see. Nephi Stratton, the profit of Zion Flats,
began acting on his own paranoia in some very disconcerting ways.
I know a lot about what is happening in the

(06:16):
despicable slum they call Zion Flats because I hire a
number of women who live there. With the economy crashing, nationwide.
I could just as easily employ workers from Naval and
save myself all the headaches of dealing with Nephi. Instead,
I've started a crusade of sorts trying to help these

(06:37):
girls in whatever small way I can. All of them
are on food stamps, but this doesn't translate into proper nutrition.
I have it on good authority that all welfare benefits
are turned into Nephi to distribute as he sees fit.
Working at Good Karma is considered a privilege, even though
these women never see a dime of what they are

(07:00):
and while this doesn't make their bottom line any better,
I can at least provide them with healthy food and
a positive atmosphere to be in for a few hours
a day. I pay in cash directly to Nephi, who
uses the money to keep everyone in Zion Flats despondent
at all times. Nephi and I had a big showdown

(07:22):
a few months ago when I got fed up with
the parade of young girls he was moving through my
skincare company. Every time one of those gloomy sex slaves
got pregnant, I had to train someone new. The situation
was needlessly costing me time and money Eventually, Nephi agreed

(07:42):
to send over a group of women who were too
old to bake buns in their beleaguered ovens. The state
of Utah is well aware of the wretched conditions in
Zion Flats, yet fails to do anything about it. My
theory is these officials are secretly hoping to pract polygamy
in the afterlife while they shun plural marriage on Earth.

(08:05):
Many of them subscribed to the idea of a celestial
kingdom whereby polygamy is the payoff for good behavior. Polygamy
was outlawed in Naval in nineteen thirty seven, those of
Nephi's ilk left Naval and established Zion Flats, a place
where they could impregnate underage girls in private. Against my

(08:26):
better judgment, I've tried to help some of these victims.
To date, springing Isleray Stratton from that communal swamp has
been my greatest success. Isle Ray was barely an adolescent
when she started working at Good Karma. She kept showing
up with bruises on her face. Back then, I was

(08:47):
still taking my employees to the Diamonds in the Desert
Casino on the weekends to sell products in their convention center.
I complained to Nephi about the state of isle Ray's looks,
hoping if I mentioned I could you didn't have abuse
victims selling my lotions to the public, he'd stop the violence.
Nephi agreed to change his tactic, sending Islera over with

(09:09):
whip marks on her back so deep the blood was
seeping through the repugnant floor length dress. They make all
the women from Zion flatswar. That was the straw that
broke the polygamist girl's back. I made arrangements to sneak
Alray out of Zion Flats. I got a skeitzy shock
jock named Nancy Neptune to raise the money needed to

(09:33):
buy Isilray's freedom from Nephi. Neptune went along with the plan,
thinking it would make for interesting late night radio chatter.
Getting Eileray away from that heartless troll Nephi was worth
getting arrested over. Nephi dropped the charges against me once
he had the ransom money raised by Neptune in his

(09:54):
grubby little hand. I thought for sure Nephi would pull
the plug on letting other women work at Good Karma.
He must have liked the extra income because they kept
showing up long after Aila Ray had moved into a
private suite at the Diamonds in the Desert Casino with
another Zion Flats escapee named Meredith Andrews. Life in Southern

(10:16):
Utah rolled on. The elite group of menopausal hostages from
Zion Flats formed a nice camaraderie since they don't have
access to their own food stamps. I begin each workday
with a continental breakfast and a dinner worthy spread at noon.
Meal times at Gecko's Gulch have become a rare source

(10:38):
of joy for these poor women. Sometimes one of them
even cracks a smile. I guess word got back to
Nephi because a few months ago he sent over Rinda,
his tragically unattractive sister, to be our new cook. Rinda
performs all right in the kitchen, but she as crabby

(10:58):
as all get out. Her purpose in being here isn't
to provide us all with healthy meals. Arenda's job is
to rat out any worker who isn't hating life on
a lethal level. Hang tight, kitties, We'll be back in
a scratch in the mood for a killer audiobook Quirkykillers

(11:23):
by Adele Park is the story of a serial bride
who sends her husbands to heaven in a hurry. Too
bad the cops don't see the humor in this and
arrest this woman who is just trying to make sure
everyone gets to meet God. Quirkykillers Get it Today on
audible dot com. You'll die laughing.

Speaker 3 (11:47):
Let's talk past you. Let's past about radio Headline Radio
Petlfradio dot com.

Speaker 1 (11:57):
We now return to more of Quirkycat goes Flat by
Adel Park on pet Life Radio. Arnda is also in
charge of a shadowy waif named Evangeline. Rinda and Evangeline's
mother got duped into marrying an outsider who was on

(12:17):
the run from the law. Nicholas de Luca came from
a mob family and was wanted on a number of charges.
When the FEDS tried to close in on Nicholas, he
hid out at Juniper Hollow, an old estate sandwiched between
Zion Flats and a huge swathe of blmland. Somehow Nicholas

(12:38):
managed to con his way into the good graces of Nephi.
In all likelihood, he's the one who helped Nephi refine
the welfare scam at Zion Flats. Nephi, always suspicious of outsiders,
got Nicholas to marry Orinda as a way of keeping
tabs on things at Juniper Hollow. Nicholas was a good

(12:59):
looking man. Tying the knot with Arinda, the bearded lady
from the Zion Flat circus, must have taken some grit.
It's hard to tell how close those two were. Unlike
most polygamist wives, Arenda never got pregnant. Nicholas also married
Rebecca Simmons, Evangeline's mother. I've heard through various sources that

(13:21):
Rebecca miscarried a number of other children. The women from
Zion Flats have their babies at home, so the whole
delivery process is a crapshoot. Further complicating Rebecca's situation was
a rumor that she'd been futzing around with belladonna, a
hallucinogenic plant that grows wild in this part of southern Utah.

(13:43):
A few weeks after my sister's winter wedding, the Naval
Weekly Banner was all a buzz with the story of
Rebecca's death. Rebecca supposedly jumped off the Widow's Walk at
Juniper Hollow after a gory fight with Nicholas. The word
coming from Zion Flat Flats was that Nicholas had a
dust up with Nephi and decided to make like a

(14:04):
Catholic and pull out. The blood splatters found in the
house at Juniper Hollow told a different story. Too bad.
The evidence was destroyed before anyone could find out what happened.
The residents from Zion Flats don't like outside interference. Under
normal circumstances, the news of Rebecca's death would have been

(14:26):
treated like insider information. In this situation. However, Evangeline blew
their cover by running away the night Rebecca died. She
was found battered and barefoot by a man named Boyd Fletcher.
Boyd is an old timer from Navel who owns a
hunting cabin on Granite Ridge, a picturesque spot overlooking Juniper Hollow.

(14:49):
The Fletchers were the original owners of both properties. They
built what was once a magnificent country estate at Juniper Hollow. Somehow,
Boyd's grandfather got mixed up with the mob from Las
Vegas distilling bootleg hooch in the caves underneath Granite Ridge.
At some point the operation went belly up for unknown reasons.

(15:13):
The family was forced to turn Juniper Hollow over to
the De Lucas. On the night Rebecca died, Little Evangeline
was somehow able to climb to the top of Granite
Ridge with no shoes on. Boyd found her wandering around
and called the cops. When the police took Evangeline back
to Juniper Hollow, they found blood inside the house and

(15:35):
Rebecca's lifeless body on the ground outside. Ornda told the
police Rebecca was addicted to belladonna and had jumped to
her death on purpose. Rebecca's tongue was stained purple, an
indicator that she had been ingesting belladonna berries. Arnda, Sweetheart
that she is, had dragged Rebecca's body away from the

(15:57):
spot where she landed, thus disrupt what was most likely
a crime scene. Incredibly, Evangeliine was placed in Arinda's care.
The cops in Navel don't get any sort of cooperation
when it comes to dealing with people from Zion Flats,
so they act like whatever is happening out there is
no big deal, just to make sure the shoddy police

(16:21):
work in Naval didn't capture the attention of the Feds.
The house at Juniper Hollow was mysteriously set on fire.
The flames were so hot nothing was left in its
wake but a few stone pillars. By the time the
fire department in Naval got tipped off, one of the
goons from Zion Flats had opened the diversion pipe on

(16:42):
the lake out there and flooded the whole scene. Boyd
Fletcher took obvious pleasure in the wreckage at Juniper Hollow,
turning the hunting cabin on Granite Ridge into his permanent home.
By all accounts, Boyd is a snappy old gaffer who
gives Nephei there's ratt in a run for the money
when it comes to being rude. Boyd's wife had died

(17:05):
in some kind of crazy accident, so he had no
reason to stick around in navel. He reminds me of
the Grinch, perched on his lonely overlook sending out vibes
of ill will. The Polygamus and the mob have finally
cleared out from Juniper Hollow, but Boyd is still festering
with resentment. I wish I could fix Boyd up with Arinda.

(17:28):
They'd be perfect together. Ornda is now my problem because
Nephi wants her to spy on the workers at good karma.
The fact that these women are finally getting enough to
eat and have a safe place to gather makes Nephi
extremely uptight. I'm glad Arinda feeds herself in the kitchen.

(17:48):
Nothing can dampen an appetite quite like an angry, hairy
old bat swooping in to poop all over everyone's good mood.
Evangeline doesn't join us at the table, nor does Rondy,
the housekeeper. These two literally get everyone else's sloppy seconds.
Not my choice, mind you. To keep the peace with Rinda,

(18:11):
I let her have control over the food service, or,
in the case of Evangeline and Rondy, disservice. Evangeline is
a year younger than my twins. Their numerous attempts to
get Evangeline to play with them have failed miserably, not
that Arinda would ever allow that anyway. It really singes

(18:32):
me to watch this young child treated like a scullery maid.
It's not like she's of much use to begin with.
She's only five years old. For heaven's sake, Evangeline engages
in some rather creepy behavior. She's a lot like skitters,
furtively appearing in places where you least expect her. Sometimes

(18:54):
I'll be at my desk in the lab, sensing I
see Evangeline prowling around in the courtyard. When I look again,
there's nothing there. Once I found Evangeline crouched under the
vanity in the lab restroom. The lights were off and
I wasn't expecting anyone to be in there. It startled
me so much I let out a scream. Despite the

(19:16):
fact that the sun shines more than three hundred days
a year here, Evangeline has super white skin. It's almost translucent,
sporting opaque eyes and hair. The color of bleached flower
doesn't help her corpse like appearance. Evangeline rarely ever talks.
When she does, her voice comes out in a raspy, sing,

(19:40):
songy whisper. She's like a glommer version of moaning Myrtle
from Harry Potter. My heart goes out to this shattered child.
Rinda brings Evangeline to Gecko's gulch every day. She's supposed
to help Rondy with the cleaning. Like most five year olds,
this doesn't last very long. Even when it's a simple

(20:02):
task like taking the sheets off the bed. Rondy actually
seems relieved when Evangeline wanders off. Orenda could care less
what she does as long as it doesn't involve her.
My husband, Randal keeps insisting I do something about this situation,
yet he's way too busy to help. I thought I

(20:22):
would get a little breather once Randal finished beauty school.
What I got instead was a second mortgage. Rather than
easing into his new career, Randal went bananas and bought
an expensive Victorian mansion, which he converted into the best
little harehouse in Naval Seriously, that's the name of his

(20:44):
new salon. All of this was in response to a
snit Randal got into with the owners of the Second
Combing Beauty parlor. As head of the Naval Day's beauty pageant,
Randal was courted by every salon in town while he
was still in school. During an interview to be the
manager of the Second Combing, Randal foolishly blabbed his ideas

(21:06):
for increasing business. Randal envision turning the Second Combing into
an exclusive, upper end establishment where each stylist had their
own private suite. Music and lighting would be subdued, and
clients would receive celebrity style pampering. The Second Combing loved
Randall's ideas, but not his salary requirements. Before the ink

(21:30):
even dried on Randall's hair license, the Second Combing had
a new look and a new manager. These people obviously
didn't know who they were dealing with. Needing a fresh idea,
Randal forked over what was left of our savings, promising
to finance the remodeling of the Victorian house once Blue's

(21:50):
husband paid him for the property at Legacy Grove. Since
Randall's understated elegance idea was already being used across town
at the Second Coaming, he decided to go whole hog
and open the rootinous, teutonous salon this side of the Rockies.
He kept the individual rooms intact, decorating each one in

(22:11):
a style best described as Western brothel. Randal then staged
a revolt at the Second Combing, filching some of their
top stylists. The Second Combing retaliated by showing up at
city zoning meetings to object to Randall's renovations. Even more aggravating,
these backbiders are now trying to snatch away Randall's job

(22:34):
as head of the Naval Day's Beauty pageant. If the
Second Combing continues haranguing Randal, they'll no doubt get what
they deserve. Randall was a member of the gay mafia
before we got married. This group takes down haters just
for sport. I can't wait to see what they do
to the pious hair shaggers at the Second Combing beauty parlor.

(22:58):
What happens when cosmetics and polygamy collide? Find out in
Quirkykillers by Adell Park take a trip to quirky polygamist
country where one of the local brides is just itching
to get her husbands to heaven in a hurry. Quirkykillers
Get it today on audible dot com. You'll die laughing.

Speaker 3 (23:21):
Let's Talk pets every week on demand only on Petlifradio
dot com.