August 5, 2025 • 24 mins
What happens when a snarky cat tangles with a kitten from a polygamist cult in Utah? Tune in each week to hear a chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park on Pet Life Radio. Meow Kitties!
EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 08
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/quirky-cat-nips-pet-life-radio-original--6670161/support.
EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 08
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/quirky-cat-nips-pet-life-radio-original--6670161/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey Life, This is pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets,
cat lovers and feline friends.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skidters goes cattie wump us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Spat Meow Bitches, Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat Part eight.
There's puppy love and then there's the way cats do it.
We don't just fall for any frilly feline who happens
to lift their tail and wave their winker at us.
(01:25):
Harriet makes it a point to be an especially difficult
pussy to corral.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
As a free range kitty, Harriet has no man made
structure in which to reside. She does have a human,
a little girl named Evangeline, who comes across looking like
the ghost of Christmas Past. Under normal circumstances, I would
have pranked Evangeline, just like I do the other polygamous
women who work at Gecko's Gulch. One of my favorite
(01:54):
tricks is to bury myself in a pile of laundry
and scare the Bejesus out of them when they feel
something moving around in the bottom of the basket. I'm
not the only one who likes to put on a
good freak. In all truthfulness, Evangeline does a better job
of haunting the halls at Gecko's Gults than meet. Evangeline
(02:15):
may be just a little girl, but she has a
big influence on Harriet, especially when it comes to religion.
Evangeline's people are part of the polygamous cult, living in
a deliverance style garbage bit known as Zion flats. These
people are into multiplicity in a most astonishing way. They
(02:37):
believe it takes three wives to get into heaven. Anyone
able to bag a bushel of fuglies then faces a
multi level marketing scheme in the afterlife. These wackadoodle dues
believe heaven is divided into the Telestial Kingdom, the dingy
basement of spirituality, the terrestrial Kingdom home to middle managers,
(02:59):
and and the Celestial Kingdom where occupants get all the
ice cream and the JJ they want. These are the
same folks who say God was too busy to create
the earth, so he subcontracted the work that Jesus and
Michael the archangel Jesus was a carpenter, So who knows?
Incredibly Harriet buys into all this gobbledegook just because Evangeline does.
(03:26):
Why do those struck with extreme religiosity feel the need
to take hostages because they can. Nephi Stratton, the profit
of Zion Flats, is an expert at exploiting such spiritual detainees.
By dangling the keys to the three Kingdoms in front
of his followers, Stratton is able to have his way
(03:50):
all day, every day. Chapter eight, Nephi Stratton bled.
Speaker 5 (03:58):
The beast lead the beast, bleed the beast.
Speaker 6 (04:04):
Members of the Order were hot tonight. I leached out
a slow smile. I'm not just saving money on air conditioning,
I'm saving souls. My divine vision is the only thing
standing between my people and the flames of armageddon. No
one can ignore the signs of the second coming, the
(04:24):
blood moon in February, the relentless drought, the onslaught of
outsiders maligning the word of God. The right to plural marriage,
as promised in the Doctrine and Covenance, is under attack.
The constant incursion by vengeful apostates strikes fear into the
hearts of the righteous. We must act now to protect
(04:46):
our way of life. To underscore the seriousness of the situation,
I've directed the Order to meet nightly when the clock
strikes twelve. As proof of their worthiness, they have been
called to spill their own own blood for the sake
of the cause. For without sacrifice, they are nothing in
the eyes of God, and therefore nothing in the eyes
(05:09):
of Me. Only the most worthy are called to the
quorum known simply as the Order. These are the men
who have sworn their allegiance to Me, signed with the
very blood coursing through their bodies. The name Nephi reigns
supreme in all households and zion flats. My people bleed
(05:29):
my name, just as the righteous bleed the beast. A
new candidate is being ordained into the Order tonight. I
watch as he receives the hallowed dagger. He doesn't think.
I see his hands shaking. He's nervous.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
Good.
Speaker 6 (05:46):
This endowment is reserved for only the most obedient and
holy members of our community. I watch as he uses
the dagger to carve the name of the only true Prophet,
Nephi into his inner left arm. He tries not to WinCE,
knowing this would signal weakness. It is only by making
my name immortal that he can prove his loyalty. Bleed
(06:10):
the beast, bleed, the beast, bleed, beast. The power behind
this chant is like the sweetest music to my ears.
I didn't get to be the profit of zion Flats
by not understanding how easily people can be manipulated. Having
a congregation of cotton headed simpletons helps, especially the women.
(06:34):
They're so eager to get to the celestial Kingdom. They'll
do anything I say. When it comes to ripping off
the government, it's become a sacred duty. Nothing is quite
so satisfying as getting back at the infidels who don't
respect our way of life. The Order may as well
have been chanting more babies more checks. Our women are
(06:56):
sealed to their husbands in spiritual marriages, not that it
means anything to the heretics who run the government as
righteous retribution by not recognizing the sanctity of these unions.
Our sister wives are considered single mothers. One's eligible for
a sideboard of welfare benefits. The only problem now is genetics.
(07:18):
I've read enough about familial interbreeding to make the whites
drain out of my eyes. To protect my underlings, I
don't allow them access to the Internet. They aren't enlightened
enough to handle such knowledge. This is for members of
the order who know how to use the information to
best serve heavenly Father and our divine destination. Most of
(07:43):
it is filth anyway. However, there is no denying the
effects of a small gene pool. The women in our
community have been cranking out biological rejects at an alarming rate.
I needed fresh stock for the purpose of promulgating the
speed pees. Looking to outsiders proved to be a fatal mistake.
(08:04):
Nicholas de Luca, the pagan from Sin City, swooped in
and duped everyone, even me. At first, I was all
ears when De Luca spun his web of deceit about
how to grow our population and thus increase the amount
of money we can builk out of our amoral government.
De Luca's idea was to bring in brides from outside
(08:27):
the area. His suggestion was tempting. The gene pool in
Zion Flats has grown so small. I can't keep up
with all the dull eyed window liquors the women in
my community give birth to. I'm married to a bunch
of them, which means they can't all be morally corrupt. Nonetheless,
I'm a busy man and don't have all day to
(08:48):
get rid of these lumpy half wits. After de Luca
wormed his way in, he went to work decimating the
very people who were helping him hide from the law.
I still haven't recovered all the money he skimmed from
our church welfare program. As the profit of Zion Flats,
it is my duty to distribute resources. In addition to
(09:10):
regular tithing, the sale of food stamps is a necessary
tool in keeping the coffers full in Zion Flats. The
members who are most reverent are rewarded with more food
from the community pantry. The rest have to repent until
they can work their way into my good graces. Nicholas
de Luca was associated with some very unsavory women from
(09:33):
Las Vegas, who he claimed.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Could be easily recruited.
Speaker 6 (09:37):
Like all the other lies he told, DeLuca never followed through.
What he did do was defile Rebecca Simmons, a wickedly
beautiful woman with a wretched heart. I'm a good thirty
years older than Rebecca, but if she had married me
instead of Nicholas DeLuca, she'd still be alive today. Maybe
(09:58):
Rebecca's kin have never been up to any good. They
came to us on the run from those seeking to
end the righteous lifestyle of polygamy in Canada. Several of
the men had been rounded up and thrown into Canadian jails.
The ones who got away gathered up all the women
and children and fled to Zion Flats. From the get go,
(10:19):
the Simmons were nothing but trouble. I wish to God
now that they had stayed in Canada. Even as a child,
Rebecca was a striking young thing, tempting men in a
way that God finds abominable.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
She was mean about it.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
Too, taunting and teasing. Rebecca needed to learn her place.
I always knew Nicholas de Luca was corrupt, presenting him
with Rebecca's hand in marriage was a strategic move on
my part. Of course, DeLuca had to marry my sister
Rinda first. She's uglier than a large bucket full of
(10:56):
month old Greece. But Arinda is a soldier for the cause.
I doubt de Luca had her on his sleeping schedule.
Arenda is barren and therefore not worth the moxie it
would take for marital relations. Rebecca turned out to be
almost as fruitless. I lost track of all the babies
she miscarried. The one that survived is about as useless
(11:18):
as a one legged cat trying to bury a turd
on a frozen lake. The only reason Rebecca's opaque colored daughter,
Evangeline is still wandering around is because social services got involved.
When Boyd Fletcher, the meddlesome moron of Granite Ridge, found
Evangeline staggering around in the middle of the night, he
(11:40):
called the cops. The next thing, you know, a fleet
of cherrytops or churning up the dust all the way
from Navel. The first thing these doughnut munchers found was
Rebecca's body, crumpled up like a bloody paper sack. Rebecca
had jumped to her death after hearing her con artist
of a husband was permanent.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Lay out of the picture.
Speaker 6 (12:01):
Orinda had moved Rebecca's body, which got the fuzz all
up in a tizzy. Why hadn't she called well for
one thing? Officer Orinda doesn't have a phone. The busy
bodies in the suits headed out here next and started
asking about things they have no right to know. How
is Evangeline doing? Is Evangeline getting enough to eat? Evangeline's
(12:25):
nose is running? Why don't you do something about it?
What do you want me to do? Sponger nose off
with my shirttail. Evangeline is one of the most dispensable
zeros I've got loitering around Zion Flats. Her kind usually
doesn't last long in these parts. As head of my church,
it's my moral responsibility to trim the dead wood. Right now,
(12:50):
Evangeline's only redeeming quality is the welfare check she brings
in each month. It's hardly worth all the hassle of
dealing with this dolt. Evangeline has a habit of leaving
Zion Flats when no one is looking I've caught her
slinking around Juniper Hollow more than once. No amount of
(13:11):
corporal punishment can stop her. She goes there to pet
a scrawny orange cat. Evangeline's mother kept cats. Witches always do.
I hope Evangeline's despicable creature contracts rabies. Then we could
get rid of Evangeline but still get her chick.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Hang tight, kitties, We'll be back in a scratch. Pack
your bags, kitties. It's time to take a trip to
Quirky Cannabis Country. Find out what happens when a writer
turns to reality TV as a way to cure an
apocalyptic case of writer's block. Reafer madness ensues in Quirky
(13:55):
Cannabis Country by Adell Park. Get Quirky Cannabis Country today
on Audible, dot Com, Overdrive, and book Beat.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
You know the expression cats have nine lives? Well, what
if you can give them one more? But give them ten?
Movement is on a mission to help give cats an
extra life. How with spae and neoter Spain or nootering
your cat helps them live a longer, healthier life, and
it helps control free roaming cat populations too. Learn more
(14:28):
about the benefits of Spee and Neoter and meet Scooter
the neutered cat at Give them ten dot org. That's
give them ten dot org.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Let's talk past.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
Let's done, Pets Talk about.
Speaker 6 (14:45):
Life Radio Headline Radio, petlve Radio dot com.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
We now return to more of Quirkycat Go Splat by
Adell Park on pet Life Radio.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
There was a time when I thought Evangeline might lead
me to the missing money. Her father, Nicholas DeLuca, likely
grubbed more dough from the church food stamp program than
anyone even realizes. I followed Evangeline to Juniper Hollow several times.
She diddles around the remains of the house like she's
(15:24):
paralyzed from the neck up. I've never seen Evangeline in
the lake, but I know she swims in it. You
can smell it on her. Hard to believe someone that
young could make it all the way to Granite Ridge.
She definitely knows that place. DeLuca used to bring her
along when he was quarrying stone from Granite Ridge. They
got out there in a row boat, but that burned
(15:46):
in the fire, along with Deluca's other baneful belongings. No
one could prove the fire was arson, not that his
mob family in Las Vegas wanted to have the police
crawling up their buzzers. In fact, I haven't seen a
single sign of those degenerate mobsters since De Luca went missing.
As the coppers like to say, I imagine they were
(16:09):
just glad to lap up a big insurance check from
the fire. The Fletchers are the ones responsible for igniting
the hedonistic history of Juniper Hollow. Thinking they were big shots,
the Fletcher family bought the property back in the early
nineteen twenties and built a disgracefully fancy house just to
show everyone how important they were. They went belly up
(16:32):
when the growth in this area centered around naval This
was before the Righteous people left and formed the Sanctuary
now known as Zion Flats. Scrambling for money, the Fletchers
started distilling moonshine in the catacombs underneath the ridge. They
must have doubled crossed the mobsters they were selling to
because they lost ownership of Juniper Hollow for reasons I
(16:54):
can't fathom. The Fletchers hung on to Granite Ridge, the
land overlooking Juniper Hollow, still briny and burning. From their
financial failures, the Fletchers kept tabs on the activities happening below.
The Feds were called in time and again to try
and stop the Delucas from bootlegging booze, the very thing
the Fletchers had been doing. Somehow, these godless gangsters always
(17:18):
managed to stay one step ahead of the law. I
was a young, snollyguster of a boy during the time
the de Lucas were brewing their hateful poison in the
caves under Granite Ridge. My father Ezekiel may have been
responsible for helping root out these helions, though I don't
know for sure. There was a lot of upheaval in
Navel during those trying times. The town leaders were making
(17:42):
plans to sell out to the government by abolishing our
celestial right to practice plural marriage. Righteous people like my
father began buying up property in the area that has
now become Zion Flats in an effort to cleanse the
new promised land. A group of men from the government
decided to put a stop to the activities at Juniper
(18:03):
Hollow once and for all. A grizzly raid took place
during the wee morning hours of April twenty ninth, nineteen thirty.
By the time the sun was fully up the blood
of six hooligans from the DeLuca clan had seeped into
the soil at Juniper Hollow. Three federal agents were also
killed in the massive shootout. The thugs who survived were jailed,
(18:25):
never to see the light of day again. For a
long time, the property remained vacant. Then Nicholas de Luca
showed up to spin his legacy of lies. At this point,
Boyd Fletcher had turned the old hunting cabin on Granite
Ridge into his permanent residence. Boyd, an angry growler of
(18:45):
a man, is still nursing the grudges of his forefathers
with all the hatred of a sore loser. Boyd wastes
his pitiful life trying to cause trouble at Juniper Hollow.
Nothing's ever come from his third rate spying, so I
don't don't know what he gets from all this. It's
not like there was much to look at anyway. Boyd
had a clear view of the house when it was
(19:07):
still standing, but it's impossible to see anything between the
gazebo de Luca built in the middle of the lake
and the caves underneath Granite Ridge, which was where all
the action was Back in the days when I thought
DeLuca was on our side. He built the pavilion we
used for our consecrated wedding ceremonies. There's a natural island
in the center of the lake covered in cheap grass
(19:29):
that somehow stays green all year long, even when there
hasn't been a drop of rain. The pavilion was constructed
so well it could survive the apocalypse. Polished steps lead
up to the open column structure crafted from rock quarried
at Granite Ridge. DeLuca was able to con some goobers
in Saint George out of the green metal used for
(19:51):
the dome on top. DeLuca built it this way on purpose,
knowing the only thing that could be seen from Granite
Ridge was a rounded green blur. He could have murdered
someone under that dome, and Boyd Fletcher wouldn't have a clue.
In my opinion, the most heinous crimes de Luca committed
were aimed at me. During de Luca's time at Juniper Hollow,
(20:12):
he quietly placed into question my authority as profit of
Zion Flats. As a result, an insurgency led by Rebecca
Simmons brother Willard boiled up to the surface. I was
eventually able to kick this ungrateful rabble rouser out, but
not the rest of the Simmons. They're all tied in
with our church welfare redistribution efforts. I can't afford to
(20:36):
lose the hefty amount of government checks the women in
the Simmons family add to our coffers. The Simons men
have been put on notice comply or else. If any
one of them steps out of line, they're escorted away
from Zion Flats in record time. I make sure their
wives are reassigned to other men before they've crossed the
(20:57):
county line. This is what happens when we purge someone.
They go and their wives stay. Just About everybody in
Zion Flats was glad to see Willard get his walking papers.
He had been a throbbing splinter in the side of
the community from the beginning. Even as a young cuss
Willard was always getting in fights, usually with boys a
(21:21):
lot bigger than him. Some said Willard liked to torture
animals for fun. Girls didn't like him much either. Initially,
I tried to set Willard on the path to righteousness
by assigning wives who knew how to humble him. The
first wife made my sister or Rinda look like a
blue ribbon beauty. I don't know how he did it,
(21:42):
but Willard had her in a family way most of
the time. He eventually got a couple of other wives,
but one of them is hissing mean and the other
is a doddering dunce who can't tie her own shoes.
I waited until the mess with de Luca was over
before ousting Willard. He didn't go eat Reassigning his wives
(22:02):
was no pleasure crews either. I married one of them myself,
thinking I should lead by example. I regret that decision
to this day, even though I don't have her on
my sleeping schedule and rarely ever darken her door for
a visit. If Willard has plans to retaliate, he's taking
his sweet time doing it. I've heard he's got a
(22:23):
construction crew in Saint George. There's a lot of discarded
trash from Zion Flats living there. It is my solemn
duty as profit to eliminate any male who isn't a
good candidate for the priesthood. It's a math problem. Really,
we get equal amounts of boys and girls being born
here to ensure all is going according to God's celestial plan,
(22:46):
I must remove any young buck who doesn't demonstrate promise
as a righteous follower. The heretics refer to him as
the lost Boys. The reality is a lot of these
so called laws boys aren't really lost at all. They're
shacking up in Saint George pounding nails for the Apostates.
(23:07):
With Willard Simmons and Nicholas de Luca out of the way,
things should be getting back to normal around here. None
of De Luca's people ever visit Juniper Halo because it's
on the federal government's radar. Deluca's brat. Evangeline doesn't realize
it isn't in her best interest to keep haunting Juniper Halo.
If she keeps it up, Evangeline really will be a ghost.
(23:30):
What bothers me is that Evangeline isn't the only one
lurking around. I could tell whoever it is. There's nothing
left to see. The house is gone and all the
people in it. Pretty soon, Evangeline will probably be gone too.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Don't be a jerk. Listen to the quirk quirky Cat
gets ghosted. That is this zany audiobook by Adele Park
is the Cat's me out. Find out what happens when
a ghoshost gets trapped at the DMV and requires the
assistance of a snarky cat named Skidders to help her crossover.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I'm so happy I could heave hairballs.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Quirkycat gets ghosted. Get Ghosted today on audible dot com.
Speaker 4 (24:17):
Let's Talk Pets every week on demand only on Petlifradio
dot com.
Hey Life, This is pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets,
cat lovers and feline friends.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skidters goes cattie wump us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Spat Meow Bitches, Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat Part eight.
There's puppy love and then there's the way cats do it.
We don't just fall for any frilly feline who happens
to lift their tail and wave their winker at us.
(01:25):
Harriet makes it a point to be an especially difficult
pussy to corral.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
As a free range kitty, Harriet has no man made
structure in which to reside. She does have a human,
a little girl named Evangeline, who comes across looking like
the ghost of Christmas Past. Under normal circumstances, I would
have pranked Evangeline, just like I do the other polygamous
women who work at Gecko's Gulch. One of my favorite
(01:54):
tricks is to bury myself in a pile of laundry
and scare the Bejesus out of them when they feel
something moving around in the bottom of the basket. I'm
not the only one who likes to put on a
good freak. In all truthfulness, Evangeline does a better job
of haunting the halls at Gecko's Gults than meet. Evangeline
(02:15):
may be just a little girl, but she has a
big influence on Harriet, especially when it comes to religion.
Evangeline's people are part of the polygamous cult, living in
a deliverance style garbage bit known as Zion flats. These
people are into multiplicity in a most astonishing way. They
(02:37):
believe it takes three wives to get into heaven. Anyone
able to bag a bushel of fuglies then faces a
multi level marketing scheme in the afterlife. These wackadoodle dues
believe heaven is divided into the Telestial Kingdom, the dingy
basement of spirituality, the terrestrial Kingdom home to middle managers,
(02:59):
and and the Celestial Kingdom where occupants get all the
ice cream and the JJ they want. These are the
same folks who say God was too busy to create
the earth, so he subcontracted the work that Jesus and
Michael the archangel Jesus was a carpenter, So who knows?
Incredibly Harriet buys into all this gobbledegook just because Evangeline does.
(03:26):
Why do those struck with extreme religiosity feel the need
to take hostages because they can. Nephi Stratton, the profit
of Zion Flats, is an expert at exploiting such spiritual detainees.
By dangling the keys to the three Kingdoms in front
of his followers, Stratton is able to have his way
(03:50):
all day, every day. Chapter eight, Nephi Stratton bled.
Speaker 5 (03:58):
The beast lead the beast, bleed the beast.
Speaker 6 (04:04):
Members of the Order were hot tonight. I leached out
a slow smile. I'm not just saving money on air conditioning,
I'm saving souls. My divine vision is the only thing
standing between my people and the flames of armageddon. No
one can ignore the signs of the second coming, the
(04:24):
blood moon in February, the relentless drought, the onslaught of
outsiders maligning the word of God. The right to plural marriage,
as promised in the Doctrine and Covenance, is under attack.
The constant incursion by vengeful apostates strikes fear into the
hearts of the righteous. We must act now to protect
(04:46):
our way of life. To underscore the seriousness of the situation,
I've directed the Order to meet nightly when the clock
strikes twelve. As proof of their worthiness, they have been
called to spill their own own blood for the sake
of the cause. For without sacrifice, they are nothing in
the eyes of God, and therefore nothing in the eyes
(05:09):
of Me. Only the most worthy are called to the
quorum known simply as the Order. These are the men
who have sworn their allegiance to Me, signed with the
very blood coursing through their bodies. The name Nephi reigns
supreme in all households and zion flats. My people bleed
(05:29):
my name, just as the righteous bleed the beast. A
new candidate is being ordained into the Order tonight. I
watch as he receives the hallowed dagger. He doesn't think.
I see his hands shaking. He's nervous.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
Good.
Speaker 6 (05:46):
This endowment is reserved for only the most obedient and
holy members of our community. I watch as he uses
the dagger to carve the name of the only true Prophet,
Nephi into his inner left arm. He tries not to WinCE,
knowing this would signal weakness. It is only by making
my name immortal that he can prove his loyalty. Bleed
(06:10):
the beast, bleed, the beast, bleed, beast. The power behind
this chant is like the sweetest music to my ears.
I didn't get to be the profit of zion Flats
by not understanding how easily people can be manipulated. Having
a congregation of cotton headed simpletons helps, especially the women.
(06:34):
They're so eager to get to the celestial Kingdom. They'll
do anything I say. When it comes to ripping off
the government, it's become a sacred duty. Nothing is quite
so satisfying as getting back at the infidels who don't
respect our way of life. The Order may as well
have been chanting more babies more checks. Our women are
(06:56):
sealed to their husbands in spiritual marriages, not that it
means anything to the heretics who run the government as
righteous retribution by not recognizing the sanctity of these unions.
Our sister wives are considered single mothers. One's eligible for
a sideboard of welfare benefits. The only problem now is genetics.
(07:18):
I've read enough about familial interbreeding to make the whites
drain out of my eyes. To protect my underlings, I
don't allow them access to the Internet. They aren't enlightened
enough to handle such knowledge. This is for members of
the order who know how to use the information to
best serve heavenly Father and our divine destination. Most of
(07:43):
it is filth anyway. However, there is no denying the
effects of a small gene pool. The women in our
community have been cranking out biological rejects at an alarming rate.
I needed fresh stock for the purpose of promulgating the
speed pees. Looking to outsiders proved to be a fatal mistake.
(08:04):
Nicholas de Luca, the pagan from Sin City, swooped in
and duped everyone, even me. At first, I was all
ears when De Luca spun his web of deceit about
how to grow our population and thus increase the amount
of money we can builk out of our amoral government.
De Luca's idea was to bring in brides from outside
(08:27):
the area. His suggestion was tempting. The gene pool in
Zion Flats has grown so small. I can't keep up
with all the dull eyed window liquors the women in
my community give birth to. I'm married to a bunch
of them, which means they can't all be morally corrupt. Nonetheless,
I'm a busy man and don't have all day to
(08:48):
get rid of these lumpy half wits. After de Luca
wormed his way in, he went to work decimating the
very people who were helping him hide from the law.
I still haven't recovered all the money he skimmed from
our church welfare program. As the profit of Zion Flats,
it is my duty to distribute resources. In addition to
(09:10):
regular tithing, the sale of food stamps is a necessary
tool in keeping the coffers full in Zion Flats. The
members who are most reverent are rewarded with more food
from the community pantry. The rest have to repent until
they can work their way into my good graces. Nicholas
de Luca was associated with some very unsavory women from
(09:33):
Las Vegas, who he claimed.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Could be easily recruited.
Speaker 6 (09:37):
Like all the other lies he told, DeLuca never followed through.
What he did do was defile Rebecca Simmons, a wickedly
beautiful woman with a wretched heart. I'm a good thirty
years older than Rebecca, but if she had married me
instead of Nicholas DeLuca, she'd still be alive today. Maybe
(09:58):
Rebecca's kin have never been up to any good. They
came to us on the run from those seeking to
end the righteous lifestyle of polygamy in Canada. Several of
the men had been rounded up and thrown into Canadian jails.
The ones who got away gathered up all the women
and children and fled to Zion Flats. From the get go,
(10:19):
the Simmons were nothing but trouble. I wish to God
now that they had stayed in Canada. Even as a child,
Rebecca was a striking young thing, tempting men in a
way that God finds abominable.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
She was mean about it.
Speaker 6 (10:34):
Too, taunting and teasing. Rebecca needed to learn her place.
I always knew Nicholas de Luca was corrupt, presenting him
with Rebecca's hand in marriage was a strategic move on
my part. Of course, DeLuca had to marry my sister
Rinda first. She's uglier than a large bucket full of
(10:56):
month old Greece. But Arinda is a soldier for the cause.
I doubt de Luca had her on his sleeping schedule.
Arenda is barren and therefore not worth the moxie it
would take for marital relations. Rebecca turned out to be
almost as fruitless. I lost track of all the babies
she miscarried. The one that survived is about as useless
(11:18):
as a one legged cat trying to bury a turd
on a frozen lake. The only reason Rebecca's opaque colored daughter,
Evangeline is still wandering around is because social services got involved.
When Boyd Fletcher, the meddlesome moron of Granite Ridge, found
Evangeline staggering around in the middle of the night, he
(11:40):
called the cops. The next thing, you know, a fleet
of cherrytops or churning up the dust all the way
from Navel. The first thing these doughnut munchers found was
Rebecca's body, crumpled up like a bloody paper sack. Rebecca
had jumped to her death after hearing her con artist
of a husband was permanent.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Lay out of the picture.
Speaker 6 (12:01):
Orinda had moved Rebecca's body, which got the fuzz all
up in a tizzy. Why hadn't she called well for
one thing? Officer Orinda doesn't have a phone. The busy
bodies in the suits headed out here next and started
asking about things they have no right to know. How
is Evangeline doing? Is Evangeline getting enough to eat? Evangeline's
(12:25):
nose is running? Why don't you do something about it?
What do you want me to do? Sponger nose off
with my shirttail. Evangeline is one of the most dispensable
zeros I've got loitering around Zion Flats. Her kind usually
doesn't last long in these parts. As head of my church,
it's my moral responsibility to trim the dead wood. Right now,
(12:50):
Evangeline's only redeeming quality is the welfare check she brings
in each month. It's hardly worth all the hassle of
dealing with this dolt. Evangeline has a habit of leaving
Zion Flats when no one is looking I've caught her
slinking around Juniper Hollow more than once. No amount of
(13:11):
corporal punishment can stop her. She goes there to pet
a scrawny orange cat. Evangeline's mother kept cats. Witches always do.
I hope Evangeline's despicable creature contracts rabies. Then we could
get rid of Evangeline but still get her chick.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Hang tight, kitties, We'll be back in a scratch. Pack
your bags, kitties. It's time to take a trip to
Quirky Cannabis Country. Find out what happens when a writer
turns to reality TV as a way to cure an
apocalyptic case of writer's block. Reafer madness ensues in Quirky
(13:55):
Cannabis Country by Adell Park. Get Quirky Cannabis Country today
on Audible, dot Com, Overdrive, and book Beat.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
You know the expression cats have nine lives? Well, what
if you can give them one more? But give them ten?
Movement is on a mission to help give cats an
extra life. How with spae and neoter Spain or nootering
your cat helps them live a longer, healthier life, and
it helps control free roaming cat populations too. Learn more
(14:28):
about the benefits of Spee and Neoter and meet Scooter
the neutered cat at Give them ten dot org. That's
give them ten dot org.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Let's talk past.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
Let's done, Pets Talk about.
Speaker 6 (14:45):
Life Radio Headline Radio, petlve Radio dot com.
Speaker 3 (14:52):
We now return to more of Quirkycat Go Splat by
Adell Park on pet Life Radio.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
There was a time when I thought Evangeline might lead
me to the missing money. Her father, Nicholas DeLuca, likely
grubbed more dough from the church food stamp program than
anyone even realizes. I followed Evangeline to Juniper Hollow several times.
She diddles around the remains of the house like she's
(15:24):
paralyzed from the neck up. I've never seen Evangeline in
the lake, but I know she swims in it. You
can smell it on her. Hard to believe someone that
young could make it all the way to Granite Ridge.
She definitely knows that place. DeLuca used to bring her
along when he was quarrying stone from Granite Ridge. They
got out there in a row boat, but that burned
(15:46):
in the fire, along with Deluca's other baneful belongings. No
one could prove the fire was arson, not that his
mob family in Las Vegas wanted to have the police
crawling up their buzzers. In fact, I haven't seen a
single sign of those degenerate mobsters since De Luca went missing.
As the coppers like to say, I imagine they were
(16:09):
just glad to lap up a big insurance check from
the fire. The Fletchers are the ones responsible for igniting
the hedonistic history of Juniper Hollow. Thinking they were big shots,
the Fletcher family bought the property back in the early
nineteen twenties and built a disgracefully fancy house just to
show everyone how important they were. They went belly up
(16:32):
when the growth in this area centered around naval This
was before the Righteous people left and formed the Sanctuary
now known as Zion Flats. Scrambling for money, the Fletchers
started distilling moonshine in the catacombs underneath the ridge. They
must have doubled crossed the mobsters they were selling to
because they lost ownership of Juniper Hollow for reasons I
(16:54):
can't fathom. The Fletchers hung on to Granite Ridge, the
land overlooking Juniper Hollow, still briny and burning. From their
financial failures, the Fletchers kept tabs on the activities happening below.
The Feds were called in time and again to try
and stop the Delucas from bootlegging booze, the very thing
the Fletchers had been doing. Somehow, these godless gangsters always
(17:18):
managed to stay one step ahead of the law. I
was a young, snollyguster of a boy during the time
the de Lucas were brewing their hateful poison in the
caves under Granite Ridge. My father Ezekiel may have been
responsible for helping root out these helions, though I don't
know for sure. There was a lot of upheaval in
Navel during those trying times. The town leaders were making
(17:42):
plans to sell out to the government by abolishing our
celestial right to practice plural marriage. Righteous people like my
father began buying up property in the area that has
now become Zion Flats in an effort to cleanse the
new promised land. A group of men from the government
decided to put a stop to the activities at Juniper
(18:03):
Hollow once and for all. A grizzly raid took place
during the wee morning hours of April twenty ninth, nineteen thirty.
By the time the sun was fully up the blood
of six hooligans from the DeLuca clan had seeped into
the soil at Juniper Hollow. Three federal agents were also
killed in the massive shootout. The thugs who survived were jailed,
(18:25):
never to see the light of day again. For a
long time, the property remained vacant. Then Nicholas de Luca
showed up to spin his legacy of lies. At this point,
Boyd Fletcher had turned the old hunting cabin on Granite
Ridge into his permanent residence. Boyd, an angry growler of
(18:45):
a man, is still nursing the grudges of his forefathers
with all the hatred of a sore loser. Boyd wastes
his pitiful life trying to cause trouble at Juniper Hollow.
Nothing's ever come from his third rate spying, so I
don't don't know what he gets from all this. It's
not like there was much to look at anyway. Boyd
had a clear view of the house when it was
(19:07):
still standing, but it's impossible to see anything between the
gazebo de Luca built in the middle of the lake
and the caves underneath Granite Ridge, which was where all
the action was Back in the days when I thought
DeLuca was on our side. He built the pavilion we
used for our consecrated wedding ceremonies. There's a natural island
in the center of the lake covered in cheap grass
(19:29):
that somehow stays green all year long, even when there
hasn't been a drop of rain. The pavilion was constructed
so well it could survive the apocalypse. Polished steps lead
up to the open column structure crafted from rock quarried
at Granite Ridge. DeLuca was able to con some goobers
in Saint George out of the green metal used for
(19:51):
the dome on top. DeLuca built it this way on purpose,
knowing the only thing that could be seen from Granite
Ridge was a rounded green blur. He could have murdered
someone under that dome, and Boyd Fletcher wouldn't have a clue.
In my opinion, the most heinous crimes de Luca committed
were aimed at me. During de Luca's time at Juniper Hollow,
(20:12):
he quietly placed into question my authority as profit of
Zion Flats. As a result, an insurgency led by Rebecca
Simmons brother Willard boiled up to the surface. I was
eventually able to kick this ungrateful rabble rouser out, but
not the rest of the Simmons. They're all tied in
with our church welfare redistribution efforts. I can't afford to
(20:36):
lose the hefty amount of government checks the women in
the Simmons family add to our coffers. The Simons men
have been put on notice comply or else. If any
one of them steps out of line, they're escorted away
from Zion Flats in record time. I make sure their
wives are reassigned to other men before they've crossed the
(20:57):
county line. This is what happens when we purge someone.
They go and their wives stay. Just About everybody in
Zion Flats was glad to see Willard get his walking papers.
He had been a throbbing splinter in the side of
the community from the beginning. Even as a young cuss
Willard was always getting in fights, usually with boys a
(21:21):
lot bigger than him. Some said Willard liked to torture
animals for fun. Girls didn't like him much either. Initially,
I tried to set Willard on the path to righteousness
by assigning wives who knew how to humble him. The
first wife made my sister or Rinda look like a
blue ribbon beauty. I don't know how he did it,
(21:42):
but Willard had her in a family way most of
the time. He eventually got a couple of other wives,
but one of them is hissing mean and the other
is a doddering dunce who can't tie her own shoes.
I waited until the mess with de Luca was over
before ousting Willard. He didn't go eat Reassigning his wives
(22:02):
was no pleasure crews either. I married one of them myself,
thinking I should lead by example. I regret that decision
to this day, even though I don't have her on
my sleeping schedule and rarely ever darken her door for
a visit. If Willard has plans to retaliate, he's taking
his sweet time doing it. I've heard he's got a
(22:23):
construction crew in Saint George. There's a lot of discarded
trash from Zion Flats living there. It is my solemn
duty as profit to eliminate any male who isn't a
good candidate for the priesthood. It's a math problem. Really,
we get equal amounts of boys and girls being born
here to ensure all is going according to God's celestial plan,
(22:46):
I must remove any young buck who doesn't demonstrate promise
as a righteous follower. The heretics refer to him as
the lost Boys. The reality is a lot of these
so called laws boys aren't really lost at all. They're
shacking up in Saint George pounding nails for the Apostates.
(23:07):
With Willard Simmons and Nicholas de Luca out of the way,
things should be getting back to normal around here. None
of De Luca's people ever visit Juniper Halo because it's
on the federal government's radar. Deluca's brat. Evangeline doesn't realize
it isn't in her best interest to keep haunting Juniper Halo.
If she keeps it up, Evangeline really will be a ghost.
(23:30):
What bothers me is that Evangeline isn't the only one
lurking around. I could tell whoever it is. There's nothing
left to see. The house is gone and all the
people in it. Pretty soon, Evangeline will probably be gone too.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Don't be a jerk. Listen to the quirk quirky Cat
gets ghosted. That is this zany audiobook by Adele Park
is the Cat's me out. Find out what happens when
a ghoshost gets trapped at the DMV and requires the
assistance of a snarky cat named Skidders to help her crossover.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
I'm so happy I could heave hairballs.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
Quirkycat gets ghosted. Get Ghosted today on audible dot com.
Speaker 4 (24:17):
Let's Talk Pets every week on demand only on Petlifradio
dot com.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.