October 7, 2025 • 26 mins
What happens when a snarky cat tangles with a kitten from a polygamist cult in Utah? Tune in each week to hear a chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park on Pet Life Radio. Meow Kitties!
EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 17
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EPISODE NOTES: Quirky Cat Goes Splat! Chapter 17
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/quirky-cat-nips-pet-life-radio-original--6670161/support.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
This is Pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets, cat lovers
and feline friends.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skitters goes Cattie wump Us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Spat Meow Bitches, Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat Part seventeen.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
People who say there are only seven wonders of the
world haven't been to naval Utah. There are some energy
hotspots around here which defy explanation. My former home at
Legacy Grove is one such place. The wild navels of
Legacy Grove saved the lives of the polygamists who settled
this area in eighteen fifty seven. The orchard appears to
(01:36):
be untouched by time, but one bite of the fruit
today usually results in an unsightly tango with the toilet.
The oasis is also kabbalistic. It seems to shift places
in the desert, making it difficult to locate, even for
a cat with a good sense of direction. The oasis
has become one of my favorite haunts, primarily due to
(01:57):
the high octane catnips sprouting up through a the lush vegetation.
Nothing Nancy Neptune has ever given me compares to the crippy,
mind altering buzz of aacis catnip. Moon McKenna, the mother
of my twins, has become a modern day alchemist of sorts.
Harnessing the mystical ingredients indigenous to this area extract from
(02:20):
the toxic orange trees at Legacy Grove have proven to
be an odor fighting ingredient that no decomposing corpse could
ever overcome. Moon is continually experimenting with plants plucked from
the desert hills as well. A few weeks ago, she
had the nerve to leave me behind on a trip
to the nearby coral sand drifts where she harvested a
(02:43):
basket of creosote. I know better than to carve my
initials into the woodwork at Gecko's gulch, but I'm not
above pooping on someone's test run for a new skin
care product. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong place to pull
a dirty squirty. The petrie dish with the mounds of
creamy white goo actually looked inviting. It only took a
(03:04):
few minutes to realize I'd served up the wrong pooh
pooh platter. The hair on my tiny heinee dissolved like
sugar and water and fell off and lumpy striped chunks.
My response was to take a nap and hope when
I woke up all would be well again. Instead, I
was roused by the smell of an excrement embellished petrie
(03:27):
dish being waved under my nose by an amused the
Moon McKenna. How was I supposed to know she was
working on a hair removal product. This fuzz free bud
incident got me wondering if the drapes matched the curtains on.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Harriet Chapter seventeen.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Moon McKenna, My Serene California morning was rudely interrupted by
the buzz of a cell phone. No one in their
right mind would disturb me on vacation, unless it was
a deaf con one catastrophe criminy. The kids at Gecko's
Gulch had nearly blown what was already a tenuous rescue effort.
(04:07):
Rather than an orderly departure from Zion Flats, Ornda high
tailed it out Evangeline and some scruffy kitten in tow.
When Meredith Andrews agreed to help, I doubt she knew
about the cat. Welcome to my world. Miraculously, Ornda's rambling
wreck of a van made it all the way to
(04:29):
my mother in law's home near Los Angeles. Ornda pulled
into the sprawling ranch right before supper, her oil dripping,
exhaust polluting gas guzzling air conditionless van befouling the otherwise
immaculate driveway. Orinda had plenty to say about the traffic
in Nevada and California. Normally, Ornda hoards her words the
(04:52):
way a survivor from the Great Depression saves buttertubs. Ornda
didn't think anyone had followed her, although they definitely knew
she was gone. The prophet Nephi paid a not so
neighborly visit to my sister earlier in the day. Just
in case there was trouble here, I had sent the
twins to spend the night with their cousins. Marta, my
(05:16):
mother in law, insisted on staying, even though she's got
her own problems. Earlier this week, bad news arrived from
MARTA's doctor. After nearly a year of grueling chemo and
radiation treatments, MARTA's cancer had metastasized. An emergency meeting was
being held at the oncology center in the morning, the
(05:39):
topic MARTA's end of life care. Despite all of this,
or maybe because of it, Marta spent most of the
afternoon preparing food for our guest from Zion Flats. Having
gone all day without eating, Arinda didn't protest when a
second helping was heaped on her plate by my mother
in law. Martin had whipped up her famous Mexican pie,
(06:03):
a delicious pastry filled with refried beans, spicy meat, and
generous amounts of cheese. Dessert was glazed cherry fritters. The
food was superb, but in some it amounted to one
hell of a lot of fiber being pumped into the
plumbing all at once. Dinner left everyone sleepy, but Marta
(06:24):
was the only one we put to bed. My husband
and I had a full night's work ahead of us,
one that had to be done. While Randall was trying
to process the crushing new reality about his mother's health
or lack thereof, he seemed glad for the temporary distraction.
We turned our attention to mainstreaming Horenda's appearance, just in
(06:46):
case the bride barbarians from Zion Flats came looking for
their sister Snitch. Performing a reverse Yetti on a bewhiskered
polygamist woman proved to be exciting. One of the new
products I've been developing at Good Karma is an organic
hair removal cream. Deplatories have been around forever, but most
(07:07):
women don't like them because they smell like a lethal
combination of pickled eggs and body odor. I've been able
to overcome this problem by using a concentrated extract made
from the oranges at Legacy Grove. This fruit isn't suitable
for eating, but the extract is a wonderful agent I
use in a number of products. Arenda showed up at
(07:30):
just the right time, to test my new deplatory on
a grand scale. Working on Rinda felt like an archaeological dig,
only I was sopping up dissolved hair instead of sifting
through earth. Who knew what was to be uncovered? Turns
out not the swamp monster I had imagined. The thick
(07:51):
layer of facial hair had protected Arenda's skin from the
hazards of the desert sun, leaving her with a relatively
youthful appearance. Once it was all removed, I put a
large jar of the cream in the suitcase I had
hastily assembled for Arnda. Randal's turn was next. Long hair
is part of the polygamous culture for women. When Nephi
(08:15):
wants to torture someone, he pulls their hair out by
the roots. The first thing el Ray did when she
escaped was to lob off her ponytail. To this day,
isle Ray keeps her hair shorter than Brandon's. Her dew
reminds me of Billy Idol. Ornda, on the other hand,
(08:35):
was a little more reticent. There was a lot of
back and forth until Randal settled the matter by offering
to do a perm This way, Ornda could keep most
of the length but still radically change her look. Exhausted
from the long drive, Renda caved in and let Randal
have his way. She also let him have the after
(08:57):
effects from MARTA's Mexican fiesta. The first time Arenda eked
out some bean laden tear gas, everyone pretended not to notice,
even though the fumes were so noxious you could almost
see them. Then she expelled a fast moving drum roll
of farts that built to such a hilarious crescendo I
(09:18):
couldn't help but giggle. Randal, normally a private tutor, chimed
in with his own toxic release, performing what could only
be called flatulence in b flat. At first, Arenda looked mortified,
Then she pinched off another one and we all burst
out laughing. The next few hours were a back end blowout,
(09:43):
between ripping off air biscuits and chortling hysterically. Over all
the rectal turbulence, Randal managed to roll Rinda's long hair
into a spiral perm The timing of Rinda's Big Zion
Flats prison break wasn't good. We were scheduled to go
to Fairyland the next day, a punishment levied against me
(10:05):
by my brother in law's ex wife, Colette, Spinkle. Unlike me,
Randal had been looking forward to taking our twins on
their first ever trip to the enchanted aisle of long lines,
nauseating rides, and overpriced lemonade. Fairyland is the stuff of
which all gay men are made. Randal nearly sobbed when
(10:28):
MARTA's doctor scheduled her appointment for that same day. I
wasn't about to take two six year olds and blue
step daughter to a major theme park with Colette Spinkle
as the only other adult chaperone. Rinda, pleased with her
new fur free face and curly hair, was surprisingly accommodating.
(10:49):
Knowing Rinda couldn't stay under the radar in her ugly,
polygamous attire, I had bought some modest, full length mom
skirts while she was in Root, California. I was flabbergasted
when Ornda chose instead to wear a purple Valure tracksuit
Ayila Ray had given her. When they met up at
the Social services office in Las Vegas. She looked like
(11:13):
an elongated grape. Unaware that Orrinda didn't like children, the
twins kept petting the sleeves of her outfit. Then the
girls did something that made me the proudest mother this
side of the Mississippi. They got into a nasty brawl
over who got to sit with Rinda on the rides.
The matter was settled by the twins agreeing to take turns.
(11:37):
Even Lexi blue stepdaughter wanted her fair share of Rinda time.
Ornda seemed to be fuddled by all the attention. Fairyland
was a lot more fun than I expected. In fact,
everyone had a blast except Colette. She spent the whole
trip whining about the weather, crowded conditions, and stomach churning rides. Arenda,
(12:03):
by contrast, seemed like she was having the time of
her life, especially when the girls decided everyone should get
fairy wings. Rinda chose a pair that matched her purple
People Leader's tracksuit. Hang tight, kiddies, We'll be back in
a scratch. What happens when cosmetics and polygamy collide. Find
(12:30):
out in Quirky Killers by a Dell Park take a
trip to quirky polygamist country where one of the local
brides is just itching to get her husbands to heaven
in a hurry. Quirkykillers Get it today on audible dot Com.
You'll die laughing.
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We now return to more of Quirkycat goes Splat by
Adell Park on pet Life Radio. Against my orders, the
twins awoke Marta when we got back to the ranch.
They had picked out a set of magenta fairywings, be
dazzled in sparkly glitter, and Einstone's climbing into bed with her.
(14:02):
The twins insisted Marta try them on. Although I was
steamed the girls had awakened their grandmother on a day
when she had such difficult news to digest, I could
see Marta was delighted by the gift. I took a
picture of the three of them together in bed, Deciding
It was the last time I would photograph Marta. Randal's
(14:23):
mother looked radiant in her magenta wings. I wanted this
image to last forever. In the morning, Ornda left for Oregon.
Randal's mother had traded a ranch truck for Ornda's beat
up van. It wasn't much to look at, but it
was reliable and had under fifty thousand miles. I was
(14:43):
disappointed Orinda didn't stay another day. I noticed Ornda had
placed her purple fairy wings on the passenger seat, where
she could see them. Watching her drive off, I shed
a few uncharacteristic tears, warmed by the knowledge that Ornda
had earned her her wings and was now free to fly. Meanwhile,
(15:04):
the mood at my mother in law's house was anything
but enchanting. The twins were waking up to the news
that MARTA's days were numbered. My own mother had died
when I was eighteen. I never got the chance to
say goodbye. I wasn't about to live with a wall
of regret this time around. In the sitcoms, mother in
(15:25):
laws are often portrayed as hideous bitches who jealously guard
their sons from the women they think aren't good enough.
For their offspring. I've never experienced anything like this with Marta.
She has always been an angel in Magenta fairy Wings.
I felt like I was being made motherless all over again.
(15:46):
How could I possibly say goodbye to the woman who
cut snowflakes and Valentines with my children, the mother who
was at my side when my twins were born, The
person who spent her free time working as a volunteer
teaching English as a second language to Margaret workers. It
was so fucking unfair. The idea of losing Marta cranked
(16:09):
my anxiety to unbearable levels. Last year, we paid a
sad goodbye to Randall's father. My husband has always been
a bit high strung, but he's inexplicably calm during a
genuine crisis. I was counting on Randall's support to get
me through the loss of his mother. Randal and I
decided to spend the remainder of the summer in California.
(16:33):
I made a plan to get things moving along at
Good Karma, my skin care company. My dearest friend Nadine Reinhardt,
mackelprank Stratton via Pondo, Davenport Milner agreed to return to
Gecko's gulch to run the lab until school starts in
the fall. Nadine was my business manager for years until
she got run out of Naval for offing one of
(16:54):
her numerous husbands. The town fathers thought Nadine was dredging
up Naga of publicity by administering end of life Belladonna
blowouts to those already diddling on the edge of death.
Never mind the fact that the Masonic Order of Moroni
in Navel does the very same thing. The difference is
(17:15):
their kill orders are carried out in secret. I wouldn't
admit this to Randall, but having Nadine at the ready
is twofold. Not only will she help keep the lab
running at Good Karma, but I'm secretly hoping she can
pitch in if things get ugly with Marta. My sweet
mother in law, is now on hospice. The countdown clock
(17:36):
is ticking so loud it practically keeps me awake at night.
Hospice in general is staffed with the most loving people
on earth. I got to know many of them during
the time when Randall's father was ramping down. My problem
is this whole business with the drugs. By the time
hospice shows up everyone agrees the end is near. What
(17:59):
people don't know is how goddamn long it will take.
Oftentimes patients are strung out on morphine for days on end.
Since hospice is administering near lethal doses of drugs, why
not save time and get it over with already. I'll
tell you why, because this is big business. The longer
(18:20):
a patient is kept alive, the more the fat cats
at the top get to line their pockets. Watching Randall's
father die is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
If I have a say in this matter, I'm not
going to let them do the same thing to Marta.
Nadine's willingness to rocket terminal patients into the cosmos is
(18:41):
my ace in the hole. Nadine began her killing career
by snuffing out her second husband. He was a polygamist
named Laurel Stratton. During that marriage, Nadine formed a fragile
relationship with Nephi, the profit of Zion Flats, convincing the
old Coudure that tax free cash would come in handy.
(19:01):
Nadine hired some of the women from Zion Flats to
work at Good Karma, pretending to be shocked that Rinda
and Evangeline were missing. Nadine suggested Nephi phone the police,
which of course he would never do. I was off
the hook for the whole mess, after all, How could
I have staged an escape when I wasn't even in Utah.
(19:23):
Nephi likely had his suspicions, but I knew from other
oopsies he wasn't about to walk away from the money
his spousal servants brought in. My workers at Good Karma
were going to need the extra income. Unbeknownst to Nephi,
the FEDS are getting ready to clamp down on all
the welfare fraud happening in Zion Flats. Even if this
(19:45):
wasn't the case, my sometimes lover, Meredith Andrews, was through
making ransom payments for marital hostages. She kicked in some
money for the Free Arnda Fund, as we all had,
but this was vastly different from the two tu previous situations,
which required Meredith to write large checks to first emancipate
(20:05):
Larrel Stratton and later I le Ray Stratton. The State
of Utah ignores the plight of polygamous the way I
ignore those annoying updates I get on my computer the
authorities are seemingly fine with all the jibbery pokery that
goes on between old men and teenage girls in Zion Flats.
(20:26):
The one thing that speaks to these people, however, is money,
and they're losing a lot of it when it comes
to the folks living in that dumpster fire known as
Zion Flats. Wide scale welfare fraud is how the polygamists
roll in my corner of Utah. The state is aware
its resources are being drained in the wrong direction, but
(20:47):
they've been unable to form a case to stop it.
Just as one filthy hand washes the other, it's hard
to get anyone from Zion Flats to fess up to anything,
even when they get bust. Then, Nicholas de Luca was
picked up on some unrelated charges and decided to squeal
on Nephi in exchange for a lighter prison sentence. As
(21:10):
part of the deal, Nicholas agreed to sign over custody
of his daughter Evangeline to Meredith Andrews. In reality, Meredith
and I La Rey are likely the only people on
earth who want to take on a slippery kid like that.
Hopefully Evangeline will level out once she isn't worried about
being poisoned, abused, or taken on late night witchcraft outings.
(21:35):
I don't have all the details about what happened when
Taj found Evangeline floating in the baptism pool at Juniper Hollow.
I'm sure it must have scared the hell out of him,
which is good. I feel fairly certain neither one of
these boys will repeat the mistake of trespassing on mob
property again. Just to make sure, I had a rather
(21:58):
stern chat with my little friend. I could tell Tas
was genuinely sorry, because he repeatedly apologized for putting Evangeline
and Rinda in danger. Now that I'm planning to spend
the remainder of the summer in California, I'm glad the
task of helping those two escape was put on a
fast track. Tas nervously wondered if I would ask him
(22:21):
to leave Gecko's Gulch. Of course not, I would never
do that to my sister Blue. Having Tas around makes
Brandon more manageable for everyone I know. Brandon had been
at Gecko's Gulch a few times without his sidekick. I
don't tolerate. I'm bored talk from my twins, but there's
(22:41):
little I can do about other people's kids. Blue is
new to this whole parenting thing, leaving her vulnerable to
teenage tantrums. Surprisingly, Brandon actually did the right thing when
it came to the calamity at Juniper Hollow. Our talk
following Brandon's deadly flower debacle must have stuck with him.
(23:02):
Brandon was quick to alert Blue when Taj went to
Juniper Hollow and turned the christening font into his own
private jacuzzi. After I finished scaring the crap out at Tash,
I sent a text to Brandon that said, thanks for
following the rules. You get to live for another day.
I was trying to be funny while reminding Brandon and
(23:24):
now Tash, I'm not fucking around. Taj is currently unaware
that his mother, Dana was able to get the guy.
After all, the wife of the man Dana was carrying
on with found out about the affair and filed for divorce.
His relationship with Dana was back on a clear sign
to me that men simply can't go unlaid. They insist
(23:48):
on having a booty babe on speed dial at all times.
The boys are going to Rectalfest in New York. At
the end of the summer, Taj will head out a
few days early to spend some time with Dana. She's
said to be released from rehab and plans to move
in with her soon to be divorced boyfriend. Naturally, Dana
is worried about how to break this news to Taj.
(24:11):
I'm careful not to pass judgment, knowing it's far worse
to stay in a loveless relationship than it is to
rip off an emotional band aid and hope the other
party doesn't bleed to death. Taj isn't the only one
set to discover reality bites this summer. Brandon's real father
is floundering around like a sucker mouthed Catfish. Blue says
(24:34):
he's gunning to go on celebrity cougars so he can
publicly disgrace Brandon in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame.
I care deeply about this because I've become an aunt
to Brandon an Lexi through marriage. These are my people.
If you want to mess with them, you'll have to
go through me first. Scotti has been phoning constantly asking
(24:59):
for advice on how to shovel out of this shit show.
At this point, his situation is screwed up beyond repair.
Scotty is practically drowning in debt and not making any
headway in cleaning up the mess with Brandon's biological father.
They say honesty is the best policy, but Scotty doesn't
(25:19):
seem interested in coming clean with his family about this
impending doom. Too bad Scotty doesn't understand the cover up
is much worse than the crime. Just ask Martha Stewart,
the happy homemaker who went to prison for lying to
the Feds. At a loss for any better ideas, I
recommended Scotty employ the nuclear option. Right after I hung up,
(25:43):
I wondered if that was a good idea. Any plan
involving Nancy Neptune usually isn't.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Skidder's.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
The cat hates Blue McKenna more than digesting hairballs. That's
why he's especially irk to find, and even in death,
Blue won't give him a break. Adding insult to injury,
Skitterers is the only one who can help Blue find
her way out of a hellish nightmare involving the DMV.
(26:13):
Skidders can't get in a decent nap until he helps
Blue crossover and that's the rub. Get all the scratchy
details in Quirkycat Gets Ghosted by Adele Parko.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
In case you haven't noticed you've been.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Ghosted, Quirkycat Gets Ghosted. Get Ghosted today on Audible, Downpour
and Spotify.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
Me Out, Kiddies, Let's Talk pets every week on demand
only on petlifradio dot com
Life.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
This is Pet Life Radio. Let's talk pets, cat lovers
and feline friends.
Speaker 3 (00:10):
It's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Today on Quirky Catnips, we're airing a chapter of Quirky
Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park. This frightfully funny tale
is narrated by the ever so snarky Skitter's the Cat.
Find out what happens when Skitters goes Cattie wump Us
for a kitten named Harriet. Tune in each week to
hear a new chapter of Quirky Cat Goes Splat. Only
(00:38):
on Pet Life Radio Meow.
Speaker 4 (00:41):
Kiddies Audio Recording, Saint George presents Quirky Cat Goes Splat, Written,
produced and edited by Adele Park, narrated by a full cast.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Spat Meow Bitches, Twisted Tails by Skidders the Cat Part seventeen.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
People who say there are only seven wonders of the
world haven't been to naval Utah. There are some energy
hotspots around here which defy explanation. My former home at
Legacy Grove is one such place. The wild navels of
Legacy Grove saved the lives of the polygamists who settled
this area in eighteen fifty seven. The orchard appears to
(01:36):
be untouched by time, but one bite of the fruit
today usually results in an unsightly tango with the toilet.
The oasis is also kabbalistic. It seems to shift places
in the desert, making it difficult to locate, even for
a cat with a good sense of direction. The oasis
has become one of my favorite haunts, primarily due to
(01:57):
the high octane catnips sprouting up through a the lush vegetation.
Nothing Nancy Neptune has ever given me compares to the crippy,
mind altering buzz of aacis catnip. Moon McKenna, the mother
of my twins, has become a modern day alchemist of sorts.
Harnessing the mystical ingredients indigenous to this area extract from
(02:20):
the toxic orange trees at Legacy Grove have proven to
be an odor fighting ingredient that no decomposing corpse could
ever overcome. Moon is continually experimenting with plants plucked from
the desert hills as well. A few weeks ago, she
had the nerve to leave me behind on a trip
to the nearby coral sand drifts where she harvested a
(02:43):
basket of creosote. I know better than to carve my
initials into the woodwork at Gecko's gulch, but I'm not
above pooping on someone's test run for a new skin
care product. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong place to pull
a dirty squirty. The petrie dish with the mounds of
creamy white goo actually looked inviting. It only took a
(03:04):
few minutes to realize I'd served up the wrong pooh
pooh platter. The hair on my tiny heinee dissolved like
sugar and water and fell off and lumpy striped chunks.
My response was to take a nap and hope when
I woke up all would be well again. Instead, I
was roused by the smell of an excrement embellished petrie
(03:27):
dish being waved under my nose by an amused the
Moon McKenna. How was I supposed to know she was
working on a hair removal product. This fuzz free bud
incident got me wondering if the drapes matched the curtains on.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Harriet Chapter seventeen.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Moon McKenna, My Serene California morning was rudely interrupted by
the buzz of a cell phone. No one in their
right mind would disturb me on vacation, unless it was
a deaf con one catastrophe criminy. The kids at Gecko's
Gulch had nearly blown what was already a tenuous rescue effort.
(04:07):
Rather than an orderly departure from Zion Flats, Ornda high
tailed it out Evangeline and some scruffy kitten in tow.
When Meredith Andrews agreed to help, I doubt she knew
about the cat. Welcome to my world. Miraculously, Ornda's rambling
wreck of a van made it all the way to
(04:29):
my mother in law's home near Los Angeles. Ornda pulled
into the sprawling ranch right before supper, her oil dripping,
exhaust polluting gas guzzling air conditionless van befouling the otherwise
immaculate driveway. Orinda had plenty to say about the traffic
in Nevada and California. Normally, Ornda hoards her words the
(04:52):
way a survivor from the Great Depression saves buttertubs. Ornda
didn't think anyone had followed her, although they definitely knew
she was gone. The prophet Nephi paid a not so
neighborly visit to my sister earlier in the day. Just
in case there was trouble here, I had sent the
twins to spend the night with their cousins. Marta, my
(05:16):
mother in law, insisted on staying, even though she's got
her own problems. Earlier this week, bad news arrived from
MARTA's doctor. After nearly a year of grueling chemo and
radiation treatments, MARTA's cancer had metastasized. An emergency meeting was
being held at the oncology center in the morning, the
(05:39):
topic MARTA's end of life care. Despite all of this,
or maybe because of it, Marta spent most of the
afternoon preparing food for our guest from Zion Flats. Having
gone all day without eating, Arinda didn't protest when a
second helping was heaped on her plate by my mother
in law. Martin had whipped up her famous Mexican pie,
(06:03):
a delicious pastry filled with refried beans, spicy meat, and
generous amounts of cheese. Dessert was glazed cherry fritters. The
food was superb, but in some it amounted to one
hell of a lot of fiber being pumped into the
plumbing all at once. Dinner left everyone sleepy, but Marta
(06:24):
was the only one we put to bed. My husband
and I had a full night's work ahead of us,
one that had to be done. While Randall was trying
to process the crushing new reality about his mother's health
or lack thereof, he seemed glad for the temporary distraction.
We turned our attention to mainstreaming Horenda's appearance, just in
(06:46):
case the bride barbarians from Zion Flats came looking for
their sister Snitch. Performing a reverse Yetti on a bewhiskered
polygamist woman proved to be exciting. One of the new
products I've been developing at Good Karma is an organic
hair removal cream. Deplatories have been around forever, but most
(07:07):
women don't like them because they smell like a lethal
combination of pickled eggs and body odor. I've been able
to overcome this problem by using a concentrated extract made
from the oranges at Legacy Grove. This fruit isn't suitable
for eating, but the extract is a wonderful agent I
use in a number of products. Arenda showed up at
(07:30):
just the right time, to test my new deplatory on
a grand scale. Working on Rinda felt like an archaeological dig,
only I was sopping up dissolved hair instead of sifting
through earth. Who knew what was to be uncovered? Turns
out not the swamp monster I had imagined. The thick
(07:51):
layer of facial hair had protected Arenda's skin from the
hazards of the desert sun, leaving her with a relatively
youthful appearance. Once it was all removed, I put a
large jar of the cream in the suitcase I had
hastily assembled for Arnda. Randal's turn was next. Long hair
is part of the polygamous culture for women. When Nephi
(08:15):
wants to torture someone, he pulls their hair out by
the roots. The first thing el Ray did when she
escaped was to lob off her ponytail. To this day,
isle Ray keeps her hair shorter than Brandon's. Her dew
reminds me of Billy Idol. Ornda, on the other hand,
(08:35):
was a little more reticent. There was a lot of
back and forth until Randal settled the matter by offering
to do a perm This way, Ornda could keep most
of the length but still radically change her look. Exhausted
from the long drive, Renda caved in and let Randal
have his way. She also let him have the after
(08:57):
effects from MARTA's Mexican fiesta. The first time Arenda eked
out some bean laden tear gas, everyone pretended not to notice,
even though the fumes were so noxious you could almost
see them. Then she expelled a fast moving drum roll
of farts that built to such a hilarious crescendo I
(09:18):
couldn't help but giggle. Randal, normally a private tutor, chimed
in with his own toxic release, performing what could only
be called flatulence in b flat. At first, Arenda looked mortified,
Then she pinched off another one and we all burst
out laughing. The next few hours were a back end blowout,
(09:43):
between ripping off air biscuits and chortling hysterically. Over all
the rectal turbulence, Randal managed to roll Rinda's long hair
into a spiral perm The timing of Rinda's Big Zion
Flats prison break wasn't good. We were scheduled to go
to Fairyland the next day, a punishment levied against me
(10:05):
by my brother in law's ex wife, Colette, Spinkle. Unlike me,
Randal had been looking forward to taking our twins on
their first ever trip to the enchanted aisle of long lines,
nauseating rides, and overpriced lemonade. Fairyland is the stuff of
which all gay men are made. Randal nearly sobbed when
(10:28):
MARTA's doctor scheduled her appointment for that same day. I
wasn't about to take two six year olds and blue
step daughter to a major theme park with Colette Spinkle
as the only other adult chaperone. Rinda, pleased with her
new fur free face and curly hair, was surprisingly accommodating.
(10:49):
Knowing Rinda couldn't stay under the radar in her ugly,
polygamous attire, I had bought some modest, full length mom
skirts while she was in Root, California. I was flabbergasted
when Ornda chose instead to wear a purple Valure tracksuit
Ayila Ray had given her. When they met up at
the Social services office in Las Vegas. She looked like
(11:13):
an elongated grape. Unaware that Orrinda didn't like children, the
twins kept petting the sleeves of her outfit. Then the
girls did something that made me the proudest mother this
side of the Mississippi. They got into a nasty brawl
over who got to sit with Rinda on the rides.
The matter was settled by the twins agreeing to take turns.
(11:37):
Even Lexi blue stepdaughter wanted her fair share of Rinda time.
Ornda seemed to be fuddled by all the attention. Fairyland
was a lot more fun than I expected. In fact,
everyone had a blast except Colette. She spent the whole
trip whining about the weather, crowded conditions, and stomach churning rides. Arenda,
(12:03):
by contrast, seemed like she was having the time of
her life, especially when the girls decided everyone should get
fairy wings. Rinda chose a pair that matched her purple
People Leader's tracksuit. Hang tight, kiddies, We'll be back in
a scratch. What happens when cosmetics and polygamy collide. Find
(12:30):
out in Quirky Killers by a Dell Park take a
trip to quirky polygamist country where one of the local
brides is just itching to get her husbands to heaven
in a hurry. Quirkykillers Get it today on audible dot Com.
You'll die laughing.
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We now return to more of Quirkycat goes Splat by
Adell Park on pet Life Radio. Against my orders, the
twins awoke Marta when we got back to the ranch.
They had picked out a set of magenta fairywings, be
dazzled in sparkly glitter, and Einstone's climbing into bed with her.
(14:02):
The twins insisted Marta try them on. Although I was
steamed the girls had awakened their grandmother on a day
when she had such difficult news to digest, I could
see Marta was delighted by the gift. I took a
picture of the three of them together in bed, Deciding
It was the last time I would photograph Marta. Randal's
(14:23):
mother looked radiant in her magenta wings. I wanted this
image to last forever. In the morning, Ornda left for Oregon.
Randal's mother had traded a ranch truck for Ornda's beat
up van. It wasn't much to look at, but it
was reliable and had under fifty thousand miles. I was
(14:43):
disappointed Orinda didn't stay another day. I noticed Ornda had
placed her purple fairy wings on the passenger seat, where
she could see them. Watching her drive off, I shed
a few uncharacteristic tears, warmed by the knowledge that Ornda
had earned her her wings and was now free to fly. Meanwhile,
(15:04):
the mood at my mother in law's house was anything
but enchanting. The twins were waking up to the news
that MARTA's days were numbered. My own mother had died
when I was eighteen. I never got the chance to
say goodbye. I wasn't about to live with a wall
of regret this time around. In the sitcoms, mother in
(15:25):
laws are often portrayed as hideous bitches who jealously guard
their sons from the women they think aren't good enough.
For their offspring. I've never experienced anything like this with Marta.
She has always been an angel in Magenta fairy Wings.
I felt like I was being made motherless all over again.
(15:46):
How could I possibly say goodbye to the woman who
cut snowflakes and Valentines with my children, the mother who
was at my side when my twins were born, The
person who spent her free time working as a volunteer
teaching English as a second language to Margaret workers. It
was so fucking unfair. The idea of losing Marta cranked
(16:09):
my anxiety to unbearable levels. Last year, we paid a
sad goodbye to Randall's father. My husband has always been
a bit high strung, but he's inexplicably calm during a
genuine crisis. I was counting on Randall's support to get
me through the loss of his mother. Randal and I
decided to spend the remainder of the summer in California.
(16:33):
I made a plan to get things moving along at
Good Karma, my skin care company. My dearest friend Nadine Reinhardt,
mackelprank Stratton via Pondo, Davenport Milner agreed to return to
Gecko's gulch to run the lab until school starts in
the fall. Nadine was my business manager for years until
she got run out of Naval for offing one of
(16:54):
her numerous husbands. The town fathers thought Nadine was dredging
up Naga of publicity by administering end of life Belladonna
blowouts to those already diddling on the edge of death.
Never mind the fact that the Masonic Order of Moroni
in Navel does the very same thing. The difference is
(17:15):
their kill orders are carried out in secret. I wouldn't
admit this to Randall, but having Nadine at the ready
is twofold. Not only will she help keep the lab
running at Good Karma, but I'm secretly hoping she can
pitch in if things get ugly with Marta. My sweet
mother in law, is now on hospice. The countdown clock
(17:36):
is ticking so loud it practically keeps me awake at night.
Hospice in general is staffed with the most loving people
on earth. I got to know many of them during
the time when Randall's father was ramping down. My problem
is this whole business with the drugs. By the time
hospice shows up everyone agrees the end is near. What
(17:59):
people don't know is how goddamn long it will take.
Oftentimes patients are strung out on morphine for days on end.
Since hospice is administering near lethal doses of drugs, why
not save time and get it over with already. I'll
tell you why, because this is big business. The longer
(18:20):
a patient is kept alive, the more the fat cats
at the top get to line their pockets. Watching Randall's
father die is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
If I have a say in this matter, I'm not
going to let them do the same thing to Marta.
Nadine's willingness to rocket terminal patients into the cosmos is
(18:41):
my ace in the hole. Nadine began her killing career
by snuffing out her second husband. He was a polygamist
named Laurel Stratton. During that marriage, Nadine formed a fragile
relationship with Nephi, the profit of Zion Flats, convincing the
old Coudure that tax free cash would come in handy.
(19:01):
Nadine hired some of the women from Zion Flats to
work at Good Karma, pretending to be shocked that Rinda
and Evangeline were missing. Nadine suggested Nephi phone the police,
which of course he would never do. I was off
the hook for the whole mess, after all, How could
I have staged an escape when I wasn't even in Utah.
(19:23):
Nephi likely had his suspicions, but I knew from other
oopsies he wasn't about to walk away from the money
his spousal servants brought in. My workers at Good Karma
were going to need the extra income. Unbeknownst to Nephi,
the FEDS are getting ready to clamp down on all
the welfare fraud happening in Zion Flats. Even if this
(19:45):
wasn't the case, my sometimes lover, Meredith Andrews, was through
making ransom payments for marital hostages. She kicked in some
money for the Free Arnda Fund, as we all had,
but this was vastly different from the two tu previous situations,
which required Meredith to write large checks to first emancipate
(20:05):
Larrel Stratton and later I le Ray Stratton. The State
of Utah ignores the plight of polygamous the way I
ignore those annoying updates I get on my computer the
authorities are seemingly fine with all the jibbery pokery that
goes on between old men and teenage girls in Zion Flats.
(20:26):
The one thing that speaks to these people, however, is money,
and they're losing a lot of it when it comes
to the folks living in that dumpster fire known as
Zion Flats. Wide scale welfare fraud is how the polygamists
roll in my corner of Utah. The state is aware
its resources are being drained in the wrong direction, but
(20:47):
they've been unable to form a case to stop it.
Just as one filthy hand washes the other, it's hard
to get anyone from Zion Flats to fess up to anything,
even when they get bust. Then, Nicholas de Luca was
picked up on some unrelated charges and decided to squeal
on Nephi in exchange for a lighter prison sentence. As
(21:10):
part of the deal, Nicholas agreed to sign over custody
of his daughter Evangeline to Meredith Andrews. In reality, Meredith
and I La Rey are likely the only people on
earth who want to take on a slippery kid like that.
Hopefully Evangeline will level out once she isn't worried about
being poisoned, abused, or taken on late night witchcraft outings.
(21:35):
I don't have all the details about what happened when
Taj found Evangeline floating in the baptism pool at Juniper Hollow.
I'm sure it must have scared the hell out of him,
which is good. I feel fairly certain neither one of
these boys will repeat the mistake of trespassing on mob
property again. Just to make sure, I had a rather
(21:58):
stern chat with my little friend. I could tell Tas
was genuinely sorry, because he repeatedly apologized for putting Evangeline
and Rinda in danger. Now that I'm planning to spend
the remainder of the summer in California, I'm glad the
task of helping those two escape was put on a
fast track. Tas nervously wondered if I would ask him
(22:21):
to leave Gecko's Gulch. Of course not, I would never
do that to my sister Blue. Having Tas around makes
Brandon more manageable for everyone I know. Brandon had been
at Gecko's Gulch a few times without his sidekick. I
don't tolerate. I'm bored talk from my twins, but there's
(22:41):
little I can do about other people's kids. Blue is
new to this whole parenting thing, leaving her vulnerable to
teenage tantrums. Surprisingly, Brandon actually did the right thing when
it came to the calamity at Juniper Hollow. Our talk
following Brandon's deadly flower debacle must have stuck with him.
(23:02):
Brandon was quick to alert Blue when Taj went to
Juniper Hollow and turned the christening font into his own
private jacuzzi. After I finished scaring the crap out at Tash,
I sent a text to Brandon that said, thanks for
following the rules. You get to live for another day.
I was trying to be funny while reminding Brandon and
(23:24):
now Tash, I'm not fucking around. Taj is currently unaware
that his mother, Dana was able to get the guy.
After all, the wife of the man Dana was carrying
on with found out about the affair and filed for divorce.
His relationship with Dana was back on a clear sign
to me that men simply can't go unlaid. They insist
(23:48):
on having a booty babe on speed dial at all times.
The boys are going to Rectalfest in New York. At
the end of the summer, Taj will head out a
few days early to spend some time with Dana. She's
said to be released from rehab and plans to move
in with her soon to be divorced boyfriend. Naturally, Dana
is worried about how to break this news to Taj.
(24:11):
I'm careful not to pass judgment, knowing it's far worse
to stay in a loveless relationship than it is to
rip off an emotional band aid and hope the other
party doesn't bleed to death. Taj isn't the only one
set to discover reality bites this summer. Brandon's real father
is floundering around like a sucker mouthed Catfish. Blue says
(24:34):
he's gunning to go on celebrity cougars so he can
publicly disgrace Brandon in exchange for fifteen minutes of fame.
I care deeply about this because I've become an aunt
to Brandon an Lexi through marriage. These are my people.
If you want to mess with them, you'll have to
go through me first. Scotti has been phoning constantly asking
(24:59):
for advice on how to shovel out of this shit show.
At this point, his situation is screwed up beyond repair.
Scotty is practically drowning in debt and not making any
headway in cleaning up the mess with Brandon's biological father.
They say honesty is the best policy, but Scotty doesn't
(25:19):
seem interested in coming clean with his family about this
impending doom. Too bad Scotty doesn't understand the cover up
is much worse than the crime. Just ask Martha Stewart,
the happy homemaker who went to prison for lying to
the Feds. At a loss for any better ideas, I
recommended Scotty employ the nuclear option. Right after I hung up,
(25:43):
I wondered if that was a good idea. Any plan
involving Nancy Neptune usually isn't.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Skidder's.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
The cat hates Blue McKenna more than digesting hairballs. That's
why he's especially irk to find, and even in death,
Blue won't give him a break. Adding insult to injury,
Skitterers is the only one who can help Blue find
her way out of a hellish nightmare involving the DMV.
(26:13):
Skidders can't get in a decent nap until he helps
Blue crossover and that's the rub. Get all the scratchy
details in Quirkycat Gets Ghosted by Adele Parko.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
In case you haven't noticed you've been.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Ghosted, Quirkycat Gets Ghosted. Get Ghosted today on Audible, Downpour
and Spotify.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
Me Out, Kiddies, Let's Talk pets every week on demand
only on petlifradio dot com
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