January 27, 2025 • 23 mins
Helping Ordinary Women Build Extraordinary Businesses, Brands, and Lives They Love While Unpacking Their Inner SHEEO with Episodes Enriching Your Mindset, Wealth, and Faith Factor
VISIT: RachelMedina.com or SHEEOX.com
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Rachel Medina is an Entrepreneur, TEDx Speaker, Christianpreneur, Mommypreneur and an ordinary woman who ditched the C-suite for the SHE-suite by tapping into the new and exciting laptop lifestyle in the SHEconemy, and who built multiple businesses from home, after divorce, as a single mother over 40!
The Rachel Unpacked Podcast is here to help you avoid common mistakes by learning the lessons she learned along the way! Whether you're a corporate baddie wanting to ditch the grind or a single momma ready to learn a new money making skillset from home, the Rachel Unpacked podcast is for you.
Access resources mentioned on this show here www.rachelmedina.com or at SHEEOX.com
As seen on: TEDx , The Christian Channel, LATV's Get It Girl, Rompiendo El Silencio, David Meltzer's Playbook IG-LIVE, StartEmpire Wire Podcast, Jackie Hernandez Live, Canvas Rebel Magazine, SDvoyager Magazine, Keynote Women's Leadership Conference, to name a few
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to another episode of the Rachel Unpacked podcast.
I am your host Rachel Medina andin every episode we talk about
mindset, wealth, building and faith for every girlie who is
looking to change and level up her life.
If you want to follow me on social media, you can do so at
Rachel Medina 101 or visit my website rachelmedina.com.
But if you are ready to build a business in a life that you
(00:23):
love, head on over to our new She eox.com site again She EO
x.com where you are going to find a tribe of like minded
business building, dream aspiring girlies just like you.
Connecting, learning and growingtogether.
And a new CEO X Partnership program means we attract the
(00:43):
talented, experienced and successful women who are ready
to teach you how they did it so that you can succeed too.
Let's go. Welcome back, ladies, to this
new episode of the Rachel Unpackpodcast.
Listen, we are going to get all in our feels.
What do I mean by that? We're actually going to break up
with feelings. And I don't mean going out and
(01:08):
becoming cold, heartless biotchas, if you know what I
mean. What I mean is we have to have
to have to all of us collectively step into our
highest versions of ourselves byputting facts over feelings,
facts over feelings, you guys, facts over feelings.
(01:31):
Because in business, and if it'snot leaning you towards or
moving you towards a solution, OK, it is not conducive to your
growth, to your higher self, to that version of you, that baddy
version of you, OK, That you know that you can see in your
mind's eye feelings. Listen, I know that we are
(01:54):
emotional beings. We're emotional creatures,
especially women. But I am here to tell you that
in business, there is no crying over spilled milk and especially
getting lost in your feelings. Always take a moment when you
feel offended, when you feel slighted, when you feel sort of
(02:16):
maybe you feel alienated. Maybe there's certain things,
right that you can feel in business, in team dynamics, in
personal relationships, in your marriage.
But if you can learn to stop reading between the lines, what
I mean by that is stop filling in the gaps like where there is
(02:40):
nothing. Don't put something in there,
especially with your feelings, because you will absolutely
positively make a bigger mess ofany situation in a way that is
so can be so detrimental, catastrophic where you just
can't unring the bell. OK.
(03:01):
For example, in business, if youhave a client tell you
something, maybe they have a bitof an attitude.
Whatever the case may be, it is always better.
Especially you Christian entrepreneurs, you Christian
preneurs, OK, those of you who claim to be Christian girlies,
you should be good at this already.
One of the things is if you somebody comes at you, which you
(03:25):
perceive to be coming at you sideways, coming at you out of
pocket, coming at you in a sort of mean or whatever way, you
need to be able to step back away from your feelings, OK?
And to truly take the stance of,OK, what did they actually say?
(03:47):
Because yeah, you may not like the way they said it, but what
did they actually say? And then just operate from that
literal place of what they said,not from the emotional place of
what you think they actually meant, what you know in your
heart of hearts they wanted to say but didn't say.
(04:10):
Let me tell you, in business, for the most part, people, the
good ones, they mean what they say and they say what they mean.
OK? I learned this in corporate
America and it absolutely helpedme in my marriage.
You guys, I've talked about thisin season 1 and two and three
and even on the other podcast that I did with Dalia.
I am here to tell you, get the heck away from your feelings in
(04:37):
business and look at facts over feelings.
Focus on the solution. If somebody comes at you out of
pocket and it feels disrespectful or it feels sort
of, you know, out of character for them, especially if it's out
of character for them, don't bite their heads off, Don't
(04:58):
react. Don't be reactive.
Don't have a knee jerk reaction.Don't get emotional.
Don't get, don't go crying. Don't go tell 10 people how mean
she was to you. No, you're making, you're taking
a little, a little crumb of a of, of crap and you're smearing
it everywhere. Make it a huge mess and it
stinks. OK, That's what you're doing
(05:18):
instead. If it's someone that is usually
really wonderful but this is outof character for them, give them
grace. Step back for a second.
Don't react. Understand immediately that they
might be going through somethingthat you're not aware of, that
they might be experiencing something that is maybe none of
your business. But you can always, always ask
(05:42):
yourself what role you played potentially in this outcome with
them, this perception that they're having or this reaction
that they're having, this emotion that they're feeling.
It's not about dismissing people's feelings as much as
recognizing that you are not responsible for people's
(06:06):
feelings. You are responsible for your
feelings and reactions, not theirs, yours.
So you need to ask yourself, is what I'm communicating as a
leader, as a team member or as an operator or whatever?
Am I communicating something that is actually true to the
(06:28):
necessity of the business, the brand, the mission, the
collaboration, the team, etcetera?
And if the case is yes, and thensomeone gets offended by the
fact that you are asking them tocomplete a task or to hold the
line or to, you know, stay the course or to exert more loyalty,
(06:51):
more attention to a matter or more time to something.
And they get offended by that when you are literally just
upholding the mission, the goal,the brand, the the team dynamic,
the the culture, you know, mission statement, whatever the
case may be, that is not your your problem.
(07:12):
That is their problem. But don't go make it a bigger
problem. OK.
So is it better when people are just very like, OK, yes, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am. Sure, it can be right.
Or oh, yeah, I see where you're coming from.
OK, I understand. Yeah, that's, that's nicer.
But sometimes people have a bad day and sometimes people are
(07:32):
just emotional. There are people that really are
emotional. And once you can kind of
identify that, you can sort of learn to just be a little more
even keel and non reactive. If they become emotional, let
them have their emotion. And then it's kind of like, OK,
(07:54):
I see that you're upset by this,but when you are feeling better,
here's what we need to happen. Here's what needs to happen.
Can you let me know when you canhave that done?
Like, like emotions aside, we have work to do.
Emotions aside, we have a, a standard emotions aside, we need
loyalty on certain aspects of the business.
(08:16):
Emotions aside, we have to make X amount of money, right?
Emotions aside, we got to show up more on social media.
Whatever the case may be, there needs to be this sort of laser
focus on the end goal and holding the line along the way
while being respectful to one another.
But unfortunately, you may be someone who gets too far in her
(08:41):
feelings and this episode is foryou so that you can learn to
start to manage that. It is not other people's
responsibilities, how you react or how you feel OK, especially
in business. But one of the things that you
can start to understand is it our feelings as women often get
in the way of our progress in corporate America and in
(09:05):
entrepreneurship. The other thing that gets in the
way is narcissism. Women are really quick to blame
their partners for being narcissist, The guy down the
hall for being a narcissist, thelady that that's a boss or a
narcissist. Understand, OK, that when you
take offense to things, that means that you have made
(09:26):
something that might not have anything to do with you, and
you've made it about yourself, and now you're having a visceral
reaction, an emotional reaction.Now you're carrying some sort of
resentment when it was never about you.
Now, granted, if the shoe fits, wear it.
And that shoe might be hurting your feet, OK.
(09:46):
But the reality of the situationis unless the individual
actually addresses you directly regarding a certain issue,
technically speaking, it's not about you.
Unless the shoe fits and you say, OK, there's this, this
person, our boss or you know, the company owner or a team
member is speaking about an issue of concern, an area of
(10:10):
concern for the entire business or the the team or the brand or
that project or client or whatever.
And you might be hearing that broad stroke.
And then you might be taking Nuggets of that and thinking to
yourself, oh, I know she's talking about me and she's
trying to complain about me because I did XYZ.
Not always the case. Sometimes, yes, but sometimes
(10:35):
when it's a broader issue. For example, I've been in
leadership for a lot, a lot of years.
And there might be something that someone on my team does and
instead of calling them out directly, I will do a broad
stroke address. And the reason I do that is not
to be passive aggressive, but because I can see that if that
(10:59):
particular person made that mistake or went in that
direction or took, you know, that path in a, in a, in the
wrong direction, in my view, I can see how there's a potential
for others to make the same mistake.
And so instead of calling out Susie Lou and be like Susie Lou,
why would you do that? It's better to go OK, everybody.
(11:20):
So I want to bring something to the table.
If in the in the event that thisthing XYZ happens, this I want
you guys to not do XYZI want youguys to do, you know, double,
you know, WXY, what am I saying?ABCDEFG OK, I want you guys to
do that instead of what was whathas already happened.
(11:40):
Granted, people on the team are going to go, Oh, she's just
upset because Susie Lou went down the wrong hall again and
did whatever. Yes and no, Yes and no.
Because all of us, everybody, every single person on your
team, including the leader, is operating from a place of
setting an example. And we are all as a team to
(12:01):
learn from one another. But if you take things too
personally, if you are overly emotional, you have a large ego
or you have sort of narcissistictendencies, you're going to take
things and make them about you when they're not about you.
So you have to be able to step out of that.
And as soon as you feel offendedor you feel insecure or you feel
(12:23):
emotional, you need to step backand say, did they talk about are
they, did they address me directly or was this a broad
stroke? And if I feel offended, is it
because I myself have made that mistake?
And if the answer is yes, you yourself have made that mistake
and that's why you're feeling offended, don't get offended.
Be grateful that they addressed it as a broad stroke and not as
(12:46):
a pointed accusation in front ofeverybody, because those are
necessary as well. So what I tend to do is I will
see someone individually that ismaking a mistake.
I might tell them privately. Hey, like I might ask some
questions like, OK, so I noticedthat you did this.
Can you just kind of tell me a little bit about that?
And then they'll tell me their justifications and I'll say, OK,
(13:07):
well, we don't normally do that.It's better if you do it this
way. And then they go, oh, OK, I
didn't know. And thank you for telling me and
I appreciate you being direct. That's usually how it starts.
Starts off great. OK, Then they do something
similar but in a different situation.
They don't see it as the same thing.
I can clearly see it as a beginning to develop a pattern.
(13:28):
I see it as the same thing. So then in that case, I will
then do a broad stroke to everybody because I'm thinking
if this person is repeating thispattern, these things that we
just talked about, but they don't see it as being the same
thing, Houston, we might have a little bit of a problem.
And I just want to make sure that we're all on the same page.
I then I go broad stroke and then people would chime in and
(13:50):
be like, oh, yeah, I know for sure.
Or yeah, I can see that. Or oh, and then the person who
did it is kind of quiet and likejust kind of like, you know, not
sure if everyone on the team realizes that, you know, she's
the one or he's the one that that made the mistake.
By the third time, I can clearlysee that it is a pattern and
that this person is now making aconscious decision to
(14:13):
continuously operate in this manner that is not conducive to
the team's mission, goal, the brand's objective, our loyalty
standards, etcetera. And then at that point, that
person's going to get called outin front of everybody, OK?
So usually by then, everybody's very aware of like, who the mole
is that continuously is making the same mistakes, kind of like
in the military. And then that person gets
(14:35):
addressed directly because there's no sense in continuing
to sort of address the team whenthe rest of the team isn't
making that mistake. It's just this one person.
So that is a little tidbit in leadership, by the way, that has
really helped me throughout my 25 years, almost 30 years in
leadership and in entrepreneurship.
(14:55):
It's been really wonderful. The hard part is, as much as
that works, what makes it difficult is when people are
overly emotional. The person who is in fact
continuously making the mistake or has this pattern of
perpetually, you know, repeatingor violating sort of, you know,
agreements or, you know, sort ofstatutes within the company.
(15:16):
That person is the one that becomes incredibly offended.
That person becomes incredibly emotional.
And that person will then turn around and, and, and, and make
it seem like a personal attack when it's just isn't.
And, and it's almost deflective and it's a really interesting
thing I've observed, by the way,I remember being in my late 20s
and, and leading A-Team and I was a new leader.
(15:38):
And it was so tough to really navigate that part of that, the
human condition, specifically with women in the workplace.
But then as I learned from my mentors and superiors and CEO's,
that really took me under their wings.
They helped me to understand it's the emotional part of it
for women. And I had to learn to not be,
not take it personal. Like they're just a, that they
(16:00):
feel called out, they feel embarrassed, ashamed sometimes,
and also they feel sort of insecure that they're going to
lose their job. And so when people are afraid
that they're going to lose theirjob or their, or their stature
or their position, then they canbecome very defensive.
And in fact, they can start to take counter effort,
countermeasures, go to war with you, you know, file lawsuits, do
(16:21):
all this kind of crazy stuff. And it's so unnecessary.
It's really super unnecessary. I, for me, I've never gone out
of my way to sue anybody. I, I, I, I, I'm always of the
school of thought that we are one conversation away from
healing and growing and understanding one another.
And so I just don't believe in it.
But I know people did. They just, they want to wield
(16:41):
their power around and do thingslike that.
All that to say, step away from your emotions.
It'll save you a ton of time, it'll save you a ton of money.
It'll reset your perspective. Even if you do sort of leave,
you know, for for the day and gohome or, and, and it's sort of
ruminating in your mind even that part of it.
(17:01):
Understand that there's a lessonin it for you.
You know, as a leader, I have fired really great, wonderful
people. It's rare that I fire that.
I've encountered people that arejust Dicks, you know, that are
jerks that I don't like and thenI'm going out of my way to get
rid of them. Never.
Like that's a rare thing sometimes, you know, if I enter
(17:22):
a company with a well established team, then yeah,
they already have certain colorful characters.
And it's more for myself to takeit as a challenge to become not
just adaptable, but to really understand them at a greater
scale and on a deeper level and and, and to identify their zone
of genius and to go, hey, they're here for a reason.
They're actually succeeding in their position.
(17:43):
And I may not like their approach to things or, you know,
their tone at times, but that's really none of my business, if
that makes sense. I don't take a whole lot
personal because in business, because I understand we have a
job to get done. And are they good at getting
that job done? That is my priority as a leader.
(18:04):
Is the job getting done? Are they moving the needle?
And then the next thing is I cansit there and assess.
Do they contribute to the positivity of the team dynamic?
And often times I can identify somebody that might be good at
their job. They're really bad at that, at
that dynamic. And then I can sort of speak
with them and overtime kind of, you know, a like nerd, like
(18:26):
foster a healthier positive, more positive, you know,
situation, but it's not always feasible.
And sometimes I have people, I have had people that are so
wonderful, they're so sweet and,and they're so willing and all
of these things, but they're just not good at their job.
They don't move the needle forward.
They make more of a mess. Then they cause more problems
(18:47):
than they solve and things like that.
And then you just have to part ways.
And that part's hard because thereally sweet people would be
very offended when you do that because they're just so
confused. They're so used to going through
life, you know, wearing this sort of like air of like sweet
and just just lovely and, and everything.
But the truth is, is like this is a business and we have work
(19:08):
to do and we have to move the needle forward.
So I hope that you take this as a leader or if you're a team
member or maybe you're an employee at a company and you
really ask yourself next time, am I taking this too personal?
Like, are they sitting me down and addressing me and do and can
I step away from my feelings enough to actually learn from it
(19:31):
and grow from it and take it as constructive criticism and
identify the patterns within myself and to go, why do I tend
to do that? Why am I doing that?
And sometimes the answer is as simple as you feel ready for a
promotion, you feel ready to be a leader and you keep getting
treated like, you know, like an intern and, and, and so that's
maybe why you're breaking some rules and doing some things.
(19:52):
And, and that's OK. And then you're able to go, you
know, to your boss and have a conversation and say, you know,
I think I really thought about it.
And I think that what it is, is I feel, you know, confined by my
current role. And I'd like the opportunity to
spread my wings a little bit more and to be more, you know,
forward facing or whatever it is.
And then guess what? Your one conversation from
(20:12):
solving it. Your one conversation from
healing it. Your one conversation.
From expressing your vantage point and then also listening to
it from their vantage point and nothing but growth and learning
can come from it. And that benefits businesses, it
benefits marriages it it benefits personal relationships,
(20:34):
friendships, family relationships, relationships
with your children. If you can take this part and
apply it to the different areas of your life, you're going to
win all day long. I as a mother have had my,
especially teenagers when they were teenagers, say things that
really hurt my feelings. I did not collapse on the ground
(20:55):
in a dramatic fashion of, of of anguish to show them how they
hurt me. No, no, I'm not a narcissist.
It's not about me in that moment.
I don't like necessarily what they're saying.
Maybe that maybe the tone, I could say, hey, if you're going
to communicate with me, do so ina respectful fashion.
You can say everything you want to say, but watch your tone.
Yeah, you have the right to holdthe line as as an adult, as a
(21:17):
parent. But listen.
And if you don't like what you're hearing, meaning the
their truth towards you, it's a learning and growing experience
to be able to say, OK, I personally don't understand why
you feel that way, but I want tounderstand.
I want to, I want to better understand that.
(21:37):
And then I want to know from you, what do you think I should
be doing differently? Because listen, I'm a human
being. This is my first time here
supposedly, and I am every day is new for me.
Every day is new. So it's new for me to be a mom.
Maybe it's new for you to be a wife every day.
It's new for you to be a woman every day.
(21:59):
Every day is a new experience. When we look at our mothers who
are aging, she's just a girl trying to figure life out now as
she's becoming a senior citizen,for example.
So all of us are on this learning and growth journey that
is new for us. And we have to give each other
grace and, and and compassion and patience, but we have to do
(22:21):
that for ourselves and for each other.
So start with yourself and say, why am I being a whiny baby
about this? Why am I being a pissy little
biatch about this? Why am I being, you know, mean
about this and step back, removethe feelings and just look at
the actual thing and go, what's the solution?
(22:43):
Does it help me to get upset? Does it not?
It's usually feelings just get in the way of your progress.
So here's to, I don't want to say a feelingless future, but a
more productive future that withmore clarity and less emotion so
that you can actually move you and your family and your
(23:06):
finances forward in a beautiful,loving, graceful way.
Let's go.
Welcome to another episode of the Rachel Unpacked podcast.
I am your host Rachel Medina andin every episode we talk about
mindset, wealth, building and faith for every girlie who is
looking to change and level up her life.
If you want to follow me on social media, you can do so at
Rachel Medina 101 or visit my website rachelmedina.com.
But if you are ready to build a business in a life that you
(00:23):
love, head on over to our new She eox.com site again She EO
x.com where you are going to find a tribe of like minded
business building, dream aspiring girlies just like you.
Connecting, learning and growingtogether.
And a new CEO X Partnership program means we attract the
(00:43):
talented, experienced and successful women who are ready
to teach you how they did it so that you can succeed too.
Let's go. Welcome back, ladies, to this
new episode of the Rachel Unpackpodcast.
Listen, we are going to get all in our feels.
What do I mean by that? We're actually going to break up
with feelings. And I don't mean going out and
(01:08):
becoming cold, heartless biotchas, if you know what I
mean. What I mean is we have to have
to have to all of us collectively step into our
highest versions of ourselves byputting facts over feelings,
facts over feelings, you guys, facts over feelings.
(01:31):
Because in business, and if it'snot leaning you towards or
moving you towards a solution, OK, it is not conducive to your
growth, to your higher self, to that version of you, that baddy
version of you, OK, That you know that you can see in your
mind's eye feelings. Listen, I know that we are
(01:54):
emotional beings. We're emotional creatures,
especially women. But I am here to tell you that
in business, there is no crying over spilled milk and especially
getting lost in your feelings. Always take a moment when you
feel offended, when you feel slighted, when you feel sort of
(02:16):
maybe you feel alienated. Maybe there's certain things,
right that you can feel in business, in team dynamics, in
personal relationships, in your marriage.
But if you can learn to stop reading between the lines, what
I mean by that is stop filling in the gaps like where there is
(02:40):
nothing. Don't put something in there,
especially with your feelings, because you will absolutely
positively make a bigger mess ofany situation in a way that is
so can be so detrimental, catastrophic where you just
can't unring the bell. OK.
(03:01):
For example, in business, if youhave a client tell you
something, maybe they have a bitof an attitude.
Whatever the case may be, it is always better.
Especially you Christian entrepreneurs, you Christian
preneurs, OK, those of you who claim to be Christian girlies,
you should be good at this already.
One of the things is if you somebody comes at you, which you
(03:25):
perceive to be coming at you sideways, coming at you out of
pocket, coming at you in a sort of mean or whatever way, you
need to be able to step back away from your feelings, OK?
And to truly take the stance of,OK, what did they actually say?
(03:47):
Because yeah, you may not like the way they said it, but what
did they actually say? And then just operate from that
literal place of what they said,not from the emotional place of
what you think they actually meant, what you know in your
heart of hearts they wanted to say but didn't say.
(04:10):
Let me tell you, in business, for the most part, people, the
good ones, they mean what they say and they say what they mean.
OK? I learned this in corporate
America and it absolutely helpedme in my marriage.
You guys, I've talked about thisin season 1 and two and three
and even on the other podcast that I did with Dalia.
I am here to tell you, get the heck away from your feelings in
(04:37):
business and look at facts over feelings.
Focus on the solution. If somebody comes at you out of
pocket and it feels disrespectful or it feels sort
of, you know, out of character for them, especially if it's out
of character for them, don't bite their heads off, Don't
(04:58):
react. Don't be reactive.
Don't have a knee jerk reaction.Don't get emotional.
Don't get, don't go crying. Don't go tell 10 people how mean
she was to you. No, you're making, you're taking
a little, a little crumb of a of, of crap and you're smearing
it everywhere. Make it a huge mess and it
stinks. OK, That's what you're doing
(05:18):
instead. If it's someone that is usually
really wonderful but this is outof character for them, give them
grace. Step back for a second.
Don't react. Understand immediately that they
might be going through somethingthat you're not aware of, that
they might be experiencing something that is maybe none of
your business. But you can always, always ask
(05:42):
yourself what role you played potentially in this outcome with
them, this perception that they're having or this reaction
that they're having, this emotion that they're feeling.
It's not about dismissing people's feelings as much as
recognizing that you are not responsible for people's
(06:06):
feelings. You are responsible for your
feelings and reactions, not theirs, yours.
So you need to ask yourself, is what I'm communicating as a
leader, as a team member or as an operator or whatever?
Am I communicating something that is actually true to the
(06:28):
necessity of the business, the brand, the mission, the
collaboration, the team, etcetera?
And if the case is yes, and thensomeone gets offended by the
fact that you are asking them tocomplete a task or to hold the
line or to, you know, stay the course or to exert more loyalty,
(06:51):
more attention to a matter or more time to something.
And they get offended by that when you are literally just
upholding the mission, the goal,the brand, the the team dynamic,
the the culture, you know, mission statement, whatever the
case may be, that is not your your problem.
(07:12):
That is their problem. But don't go make it a bigger
problem. OK.
So is it better when people are just very like, OK, yes, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am. Sure, it can be right.
Or oh, yeah, I see where you're coming from.
OK, I understand. Yeah, that's, that's nicer.
But sometimes people have a bad day and sometimes people are
(07:32):
just emotional. There are people that really are
emotional. And once you can kind of
identify that, you can sort of learn to just be a little more
even keel and non reactive. If they become emotional, let
them have their emotion. And then it's kind of like, OK,
(07:54):
I see that you're upset by this,but when you are feeling better,
here's what we need to happen. Here's what needs to happen.
Can you let me know when you canhave that done?
Like, like emotions aside, we have work to do.
Emotions aside, we have a, a standard emotions aside, we need
loyalty on certain aspects of the business.
(08:16):
Emotions aside, we have to make X amount of money, right?
Emotions aside, we got to show up more on social media.
Whatever the case may be, there needs to be this sort of laser
focus on the end goal and holding the line along the way
while being respectful to one another.
But unfortunately, you may be someone who gets too far in her
(08:41):
feelings and this episode is foryou so that you can learn to
start to manage that. It is not other people's
responsibilities, how you react or how you feel OK, especially
in business. But one of the things that you
can start to understand is it our feelings as women often get
in the way of our progress in corporate America and in
(09:05):
entrepreneurship. The other thing that gets in the
way is narcissism. Women are really quick to blame
their partners for being narcissist, The guy down the
hall for being a narcissist, thelady that that's a boss or a
narcissist. Understand, OK, that when you
take offense to things, that means that you have made
(09:26):
something that might not have anything to do with you, and
you've made it about yourself, and now you're having a visceral
reaction, an emotional reaction.Now you're carrying some sort of
resentment when it was never about you.
Now, granted, if the shoe fits, wear it.
And that shoe might be hurting your feet, OK.
(09:46):
But the reality of the situationis unless the individual
actually addresses you directly regarding a certain issue,
technically speaking, it's not about you.
Unless the shoe fits and you say, OK, there's this, this
person, our boss or you know, the company owner or a team
member is speaking about an issue of concern, an area of
(10:10):
concern for the entire business or the the team or the brand or
that project or client or whatever.
And you might be hearing that broad stroke.
And then you might be taking Nuggets of that and thinking to
yourself, oh, I know she's talking about me and she's
trying to complain about me because I did XYZ.
Not always the case. Sometimes, yes, but sometimes
(10:35):
when it's a broader issue. For example, I've been in
leadership for a lot, a lot of years.
And there might be something that someone on my team does and
instead of calling them out directly, I will do a broad
stroke address. And the reason I do that is not
to be passive aggressive, but because I can see that if that
(10:59):
particular person made that mistake or went in that
direction or took, you know, that path in a, in a, in the
wrong direction, in my view, I can see how there's a potential
for others to make the same mistake.
And so instead of calling out Susie Lou and be like Susie Lou,
why would you do that? It's better to go OK, everybody.
(11:20):
So I want to bring something to the table.
If in the in the event that thisthing XYZ happens, this I want
you guys to not do XYZI want youguys to do, you know, double,
you know, WXY, what am I saying?ABCDEFG OK, I want you guys to
do that instead of what was whathas already happened.
(11:40):
Granted, people on the team are going to go, Oh, she's just
upset because Susie Lou went down the wrong hall again and
did whatever. Yes and no, Yes and no.
Because all of us, everybody, every single person on your
team, including the leader, is operating from a place of
setting an example. And we are all as a team to
(12:01):
learn from one another. But if you take things too
personally, if you are overly emotional, you have a large ego
or you have sort of narcissistictendencies, you're going to take
things and make them about you when they're not about you.
So you have to be able to step out of that.
And as soon as you feel offendedor you feel insecure or you feel
(12:23):
emotional, you need to step backand say, did they talk about are
they, did they address me directly or was this a broad
stroke? And if I feel offended, is it
because I myself have made that mistake?
And if the answer is yes, you yourself have made that mistake
and that's why you're feeling offended, don't get offended.
Be grateful that they addressed it as a broad stroke and not as
(12:46):
a pointed accusation in front ofeverybody, because those are
necessary as well. So what I tend to do is I will
see someone individually that ismaking a mistake.
I might tell them privately. Hey, like I might ask some
questions like, OK, so I noticedthat you did this.
Can you just kind of tell me a little bit about that?
And then they'll tell me their justifications and I'll say, OK,
(13:07):
well, we don't normally do that.It's better if you do it this
way. And then they go, oh, OK, I
didn't know. And thank you for telling me and
I appreciate you being direct. That's usually how it starts.
Starts off great. OK, Then they do something
similar but in a different situation.
They don't see it as the same thing.
I can clearly see it as a beginning to develop a pattern.
(13:28):
I see it as the same thing. So then in that case, I will
then do a broad stroke to everybody because I'm thinking
if this person is repeating thispattern, these things that we
just talked about, but they don't see it as being the same
thing, Houston, we might have a little bit of a problem.
And I just want to make sure that we're all on the same page.
I then I go broad stroke and then people would chime in and
(13:50):
be like, oh, yeah, I know for sure.
Or yeah, I can see that. Or oh, and then the person who
did it is kind of quiet and likejust kind of like, you know, not
sure if everyone on the team realizes that, you know, she's
the one or he's the one that that made the mistake.
By the third time, I can clearlysee that it is a pattern and
that this person is now making aconscious decision to
(14:13):
continuously operate in this manner that is not conducive to
the team's mission, goal, the brand's objective, our loyalty
standards, etcetera. And then at that point, that
person's going to get called outin front of everybody, OK?
So usually by then, everybody's very aware of like, who the mole
is that continuously is making the same mistakes, kind of like
in the military. And then that person gets
(14:35):
addressed directly because there's no sense in continuing
to sort of address the team whenthe rest of the team isn't
making that mistake. It's just this one person.
So that is a little tidbit in leadership, by the way, that has
really helped me throughout my 25 years, almost 30 years in
leadership and in entrepreneurship.
(14:55):
It's been really wonderful. The hard part is, as much as
that works, what makes it difficult is when people are
overly emotional. The person who is in fact
continuously making the mistake or has this pattern of
perpetually, you know, repeatingor violating sort of, you know,
agreements or, you know, sort ofstatutes within the company.
(15:16):
That person is the one that becomes incredibly offended.
That person becomes incredibly emotional.
And that person will then turn around and, and, and, and make
it seem like a personal attack when it's just isn't.
And, and it's almost deflective and it's a really interesting
thing I've observed, by the way,I remember being in my late 20s
and, and leading A-Team and I was a new leader.
(15:38):
And it was so tough to really navigate that part of that, the
human condition, specifically with women in the workplace.
But then as I learned from my mentors and superiors and CEO's,
that really took me under their wings.
They helped me to understand it's the emotional part of it
for women. And I had to learn to not be,
not take it personal. Like they're just a, that they
(16:00):
feel called out, they feel embarrassed, ashamed sometimes,
and also they feel sort of insecure that they're going to
lose their job. And so when people are afraid
that they're going to lose theirjob or their, or their stature
or their position, then they canbecome very defensive.
And in fact, they can start to take counter effort,
countermeasures, go to war with you, you know, file lawsuits, do
(16:21):
all this kind of crazy stuff. And it's so unnecessary.
It's really super unnecessary. I, for me, I've never gone out
of my way to sue anybody. I, I, I, I, I'm always of the
school of thought that we are one conversation away from
healing and growing and understanding one another.
And so I just don't believe in it.
But I know people did. They just, they want to wield
(16:41):
their power around and do thingslike that.
All that to say, step away from your emotions.
It'll save you a ton of time, it'll save you a ton of money.
It'll reset your perspective. Even if you do sort of leave,
you know, for for the day and gohome or, and, and it's sort of
ruminating in your mind even that part of it.
(17:01):
Understand that there's a lessonin it for you.
You know, as a leader, I have fired really great, wonderful
people. It's rare that I fire that.
I've encountered people that arejust Dicks, you know, that are
jerks that I don't like and thenI'm going out of my way to get
rid of them. Never.
Like that's a rare thing sometimes, you know, if I enter
(17:22):
a company with a well established team, then yeah,
they already have certain colorful characters.
And it's more for myself to takeit as a challenge to become not
just adaptable, but to really understand them at a greater
scale and on a deeper level and and, and to identify their zone
of genius and to go, hey, they're here for a reason.
They're actually succeeding in their position.
(17:43):
And I may not like their approach to things or, you know,
their tone at times, but that's really none of my business, if
that makes sense. I don't take a whole lot
personal because in business, because I understand we have a
job to get done. And are they good at getting
that job done? That is my priority as a leader.
(18:04):
Is the job getting done? Are they moving the needle?
And then the next thing is I cansit there and assess.
Do they contribute to the positivity of the team dynamic?
And often times I can identify somebody that might be good at
their job. They're really bad at that, at
that dynamic. And then I can sort of speak
with them and overtime kind of, you know, a like nerd, like
(18:26):
foster a healthier positive, more positive, you know,
situation, but it's not always feasible.
And sometimes I have people, I have had people that are so
wonderful, they're so sweet and,and they're so willing and all
of these things, but they're just not good at their job.
They don't move the needle forward.
They make more of a mess. Then they cause more problems
(18:47):
than they solve and things like that.
And then you just have to part ways.
And that part's hard because thereally sweet people would be
very offended when you do that because they're just so
confused. They're so used to going through
life, you know, wearing this sort of like air of like sweet
and just just lovely and, and everything.
But the truth is, is like this is a business and we have work
(19:08):
to do and we have to move the needle forward.
So I hope that you take this as a leader or if you're a team
member or maybe you're an employee at a company and you
really ask yourself next time, am I taking this too personal?
Like, are they sitting me down and addressing me and do and can
I step away from my feelings enough to actually learn from it
(19:31):
and grow from it and take it as constructive criticism and
identify the patterns within myself and to go, why do I tend
to do that? Why am I doing that?
And sometimes the answer is as simple as you feel ready for a
promotion, you feel ready to be a leader and you keep getting
treated like, you know, like an intern and, and, and so that's
maybe why you're breaking some rules and doing some things.
(19:52):
And, and that's OK. And then you're able to go, you
know, to your boss and have a conversation and say, you know,
I think I really thought about it.
And I think that what it is, is I feel, you know, confined by my
current role. And I'd like the opportunity to
spread my wings a little bit more and to be more, you know,
forward facing or whatever it is.
And then guess what? Your one conversation from
(20:12):
solving it. Your one conversation from
healing it. Your one conversation.
From expressing your vantage point and then also listening to
it from their vantage point and nothing but growth and learning
can come from it. And that benefits businesses, it
benefits marriages it it benefits personal relationships,
(20:34):
friendships, family relationships, relationships
with your children. If you can take this part and
apply it to the different areas of your life, you're going to
win all day long. I as a mother have had my,
especially teenagers when they were teenagers, say things that
really hurt my feelings. I did not collapse on the ground
(20:55):
in a dramatic fashion of, of of anguish to show them how they
hurt me. No, no, I'm not a narcissist.
It's not about me in that moment.
I don't like necessarily what they're saying.
Maybe that maybe the tone, I could say, hey, if you're going
to communicate with me, do so ina respectful fashion.
You can say everything you want to say, but watch your tone.
Yeah, you have the right to holdthe line as as an adult, as a
(21:17):
parent. But listen.
And if you don't like what you're hearing, meaning the
their truth towards you, it's a learning and growing experience
to be able to say, OK, I personally don't understand why
you feel that way, but I want tounderstand.
I want to, I want to better understand that.
(21:37):
And then I want to know from you, what do you think I should
be doing differently? Because listen, I'm a human
being. This is my first time here
supposedly, and I am every day is new for me.
Every day is new. So it's new for me to be a mom.
Maybe it's new for you to be a wife every day.
It's new for you to be a woman every day.
(21:59):
Every day is a new experience. When we look at our mothers who
are aging, she's just a girl trying to figure life out now as
she's becoming a senior citizen,for example.
So all of us are on this learning and growth journey that
is new for us. And we have to give each other
grace and, and and compassion and patience, but we have to do
(22:21):
that for ourselves and for each other.
So start with yourself and say, why am I being a whiny baby
about this? Why am I being a pissy little
biatch about this? Why am I being, you know, mean
about this and step back, removethe feelings and just look at
the actual thing and go, what's the solution?
(22:43):
Does it help me to get upset? Does it not?
It's usually feelings just get in the way of your progress.
So here's to, I don't want to say a feelingless future, but a
more productive future that withmore clarity and less emotion so
that you can actually move you and your family and your
(23:06):
finances forward in a beautiful,loving, graceful way.
Let's go.
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