May 30, 2023 • 49 mins
Welcome back to Episode 3...The Bad Seed.
Warning: This episode may be triggering for some audiences as it discusses childhood trauma. This episode depicts childhood violence.
Listeners get to decide if they want to be "radical" or not, as Rachael presents a lens on life that will rock your world. Who is the author of your life?
In Episode 3, we meet "Dr. Toyah", Rachael's therapist of nearly 9 years! You'll hear what it was like when Rachael first made the call for help.
Rachael discusses a therapy technique that practitioners use with clients who have endured PTSD related to different kinds of trauma or challenging events and life circumstances. Rachael recounts how the use of EMDR helped her to make major shifts in the way she was viewing herself as a character in her story.
Are you defining yourself, on your own terms? From the truth, and light and love? Or are you still defining yourself by someone else's projections?
This episode features unique audio experiences to immerse the listener. Enjoy.
Help is available. Speak with someone today.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. 24/7
800-799-7233
SMS: Text SMART to 88788
Show Notes & Sources
If you are interested in learning more about EMDR therapy check out the following resources.
Want more Radically, Rachael?
Follow Rachael on Instagram and TikTok @RadicallyRachael
Interested in Tarot, Coaching or Reiki?
Music Credit
Specialty Music by Miouxx
Intro Music: Stream "SPIRIT" by Radically, Rachael.
Intro Music Created and Provided with Permission by BigWonder.
Check out Big Wonder on Spotify and Apple Music.
Closing Music: "Radically Rachael" Provided with Permission by Fine Young Gamers.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
One day I woke up and realized that I wasn't happy.
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But the best part about writing your own story is that you can change it whenever you want.
You are the main character and the author.
This is my life story, the spiritual awakening and sexual evolution of a wild woman.
(00:31):
May these stories help you to see and understand your own story better, awakening you to the
magic and synchronicity within your own life.
I know they will make you laugh, cry, and cringe.
But they will also be a light in the darkness and a mirror to teach you more deeply about
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who you are called to be.
I am Radically Rachael
(01:18):
Hello Kings and Queens and everything in between.
Suns, moons, and stars.
Listeners near and listeners far.
My name is Rachael Wilde and I'm so happy to have you back to the Radically Rachael podcast.
This is episode 3.
(01:48):
What's up radicals?
Can I call you radicals?
I mean, I know we've only just met, but it feels so right.
So if you're going to be a radical, you're probably going to want to know what the word
means.
As a former teacher and word nerd, I'm happy to share with you the definition.
(02:13):
Love to share a little vocabulary every now and then.
The word radical is an adjective, so that describes a noun, it describes a person, place,
or a thing.
To be a radical is to be especially of change or action relating to or affecting the fundamental
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nature of something, far reaching or thorough.
Dang, after hearing that definition, don't you want to be a radical?
I mean, come on.
Throughout the podcast, I'll be sharing with you some radical ideas that are meant to bring
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change to your life, are meant to make you want to spur new dreams into action.
Some of the radical ideas are going to be a little scary.
They're going to be outside the box of the way you usually think, and that's okay.
Chew on those ideas a little bit more and let my stories be the examples for how I came
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to believe these radical things.
But you've been warned, because remember, to be a radical means that there's going
to be change to the fundamental nature of something.
So proceed with caution.
(03:49):
When I first began to create a vision for my podcast, I labored over how to begin.
I kept hearing Julie Andrews singing in my mind.
Let's start at the very beginning.
The very best place to start.
(04:09):
The very best place to start.
The very best place to start.
You see, that's how Spirit communicates with me sometimes.
Spirit, God, Universe sends me songs and lyrics.
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Sometimes it's a song on the radio or shuffle on my phone, perhaps a commercial on TV.
I always know when it's for me.
However, this time the line of the song would always resound in my head, straight from the
movie.
My late papa, the pastor, was a big fan of music and the arts.
(04:55):
From him, I also found my love of musicals.
I know every now and then he sends me a song too.
You probably can think of a few times in your own life when you've heard a song or heard
a lyric and you just knew that that was meant for you.
Believe it.
Trust that the Universe is singing to you.
(05:16):
The very best place to start.
Start at the beginning?
The very best place to start?
It's just such an unpleasant beginning.
No one wants to start with that.
My stomach knots instantly and my chest begins to tighten.
My jaw locks together, clenched.
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Everything in my body responds in fear.
It wants to constrict, not expand.
That's when my higher self steps in.
I can't say exactly when I came to know this voice as a child, but she is me.
But calmer, stronger.
(06:01):
The voice of reason.
She soothes me when I cry.
She reminds me of Miss Honey from the movie Matilda.
She is the Miss that I became as a teacher.
The best version of me who I met inside the classroom.
Miss Honey.
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But your beginning is the foundation that all of your story is built upon.
It will unfold and explain the rest.
You can do this.
You can do hard things.
I know it's an uncomfortable way, but I know it is the way.
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After all, I believe I wrote my life story before I got here.
In Spiritland, up at a great table, with my spirit guides and God and the over souls of
my soul family and ancestors, it was the biggest board meeting ever.
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Keeping my life at a great king's or queen's table.
And I believe you did the same before you got here too.
We decide what we want our journey to be like, what lessons we want to experience, how we
want our soul to grow.
We sign some karmic agreements and contracts with other people for our lifetime.
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Some of it will be beautiful, and some of it will be destructive and painful.
We shake hands and we say, see you on the other side.
I believe that is also why we feel so strongly sometimes that we know people, both friends
and lovers.
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Something about the energy, the cosmic DNA of someone else.
It's familiar.
We are of the same stardust somehow, and we manage to find one another here.
We picked one another for the journey.
So I believe when I was writing my Earth story for this lifetime, I picked some unique levels.
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Christian, childhood drama, queer, divorce.
Not everyone signed up for those courses in this lifetime, but I did.
What about you?
What courses are on your cosmic load?
It's a far out idea.
I know.
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It's radical, but it brings me so much peace.
Everything I encounter, good or bad, I believe it is happening for me.
Not to me, but for me.
And I picked it.
I wrote it, co-authored it with spirit.
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It lets me trust when things fall apart.
I know the main character, me, is just being led on a new path or discovery.
I trust the ending is still going to be good.
Better than whatever I can even think of myself in the present.
Now, I didn't always have that radical belief.
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I used to believe that God was writing my life story, and it was up to me to choose
right or wrong.
When bad things happened, I thought I was being punished.
I'd been bad.
I'd been sinning.
I wasn't being good enough for God to give me a good story.
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I needed to work harder, be better, be good.
Thankfully, I deconstructed that religious programming later in my mid-twenties.
I'll discuss that in another episode.
But for now, I want to invite you to think about the radical idea I am presenting.
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What if you wrote your story?
The good, bad, and in between.
What if you and spirit wrote it together, and it's unraveling piece by piece, but for
us, happening for us, all things working out for our highest good?
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You, the main character, trust that even when something downright terrible is happening,
you might not see how it is working out in your favor, but just trust that it will, because
we trust you, yourself, as the author.
(10:51):
Have you ever felt in your very bones that you needed to quit your job, move somewhere
new?
Maybe you're developing feelings for a new supporting character.
Something is keeping you up at night, or stuck in bed in the morning.
Whatever it is, your soul, the main character, is being invited to pivot, make a change,
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into your heart and soul, and respond.
Trust that you, and the universe, have something waiting in the wings.
There are going to be detours, and roadblocks at times, but each one, you actually wrote.
So ease into the idea that you wrote the story, and you will then become more in tune with
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the roadmap that is inside your heart.
So if I can say that, preach that, teach that, I have to live that, and be that.
So I have to start at the beginning of my story, trusting that it's the story my soul
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chose to jump into.
I came to earth knowing what would be ahead of me, but I also knew it would have a great
ending.
So let's go back.
Back to the beginning.
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In today's episode, I'm going to share about a session I had with my therapist, in which
we revisit a specific traumatic childhood event.
We revisit this event using a technique called EMDR therapy.
EMDR therapy came about in 1987, and it was first used for the treatment of Post Traumatic
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Stress Disorder, PTSD.
Today it's being used for an array of disorders and diagnoses, depression, anxiety, panic
attacks, eating disorders, substance use disorders, just to list a few.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
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This method involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories.
The goal is to help you heal from trauma or other distressing life experiences.
This therapy temporarily slows the overstimulated amygdala down and synchronizes the brainwaves,
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helping you process the traumatic memory.
Often, our brain stores trauma memories in a way that doesn't really allow for healthy
healing.
Trauma is like a wound that your brain hasn't been allowed to heal.
Because it didn't have the chance to heal, your brain didn't receive the message that
the danger is over.
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So newer experiences that we have can link up to earlier traumatic experiences and reinforce
a negative experience over and over again.
That disrupts the link between our senses and our memories.
It acts as like an injury to the mind.
And just like your body being sensitive to pain from an injury, your mind has a higher
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sensitivity to things that you saw, heard, smelled, or felt during a trauma-related event.
EMDR therapy doesn't require talking in detail about the distressing issue, but we
do revisit that place.
EMDR instead focuses on changing the emotions, thoughts, or behaviors that result from a
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distressing experience, the trauma.
This allows your brain to resume a natural healing process.
While many people use the words mind and brain when referring to the same thing, they're
actually different.
Your brain is an organ of your body, and your mind is the collection of thoughts, memories,
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beliefs, and experiences that make you who you are.
The way your mind works relies on the structure of your brain.
That structure involves networks of communicating brain cells across many different areas.
That's especially the case with sections that involve your memories and senses.
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That networking makes it faster and easier for those areas to work together.
That's why your senses, sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings can bring back such strong
memories.
So I have to say that regardless of what your personal childhood or life experiences are,
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everyone experiences trauma.
We call it big T trauma or little T trauma when we're discussing childhood trauma in
children.
We all have experiences that have caused us suffering and pain.
And if for some reason you haven't quite been allowed to heal or had the time or the capacity
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to invest into healing and really reflecting and doing the work on certain past events,
you might be walking around like an open wound where you might be finding yourself triggered
in a triggered state because your amygdala, the alarm system of the brain, is telling
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you there's a fire, there's a red flag, there's something wrong when everything's actually
okay.
For some people, certain sights, sounds, and smells can send someone's nervous system
into a dysregulated state.
Someone could find themselves suddenly experiencing flight, fight, freeze, or fawn, these different
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trauma responses in a very unrelated situation just because we've been triggered by something
unhealed in our brain that is deeply connected and deeply wired to a past traumatic event.
I wanted to take a little bit of time to explain EMDR therapy so that you might understand
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how and why my therapist chose this technique for she and I to work on together.
And also, if anything I've said has resonated with you and you're interested in EMDR therapy,
you can find a therapist or a practitioner who is trained to provide EMDR therapy for
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you.
It's not something that you can do just in one session.
It takes some time and preparation to really get to a safe state of being so that you can
revisit these events from the past in a safe way.
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It's December 2012 and I am 22 years old.
I have just gotten a big girl job in the teaching world and possess my own insurance.
My childhood neighbor and bestie at the time, Kylie, had been going to therapy for a few
months and kept singing the praises of this goddess named Dr. Toya.
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If my bestie of 10 years felt that therapy could help me feel better and that this woman
was a good doctor, I trusted her and her opinion.
Though I sat on it for a few weeks, I eventually made the call.
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The voicemail went something like this.
Hi, Dr. Toya.
My name is Rachael Wilde
I'm a friend of Kylie's and she gave me your contact information.
I've known that I wanted to get therapy probably since when I was in high school, but I just
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started a job where I have my own insurance now and so I'm ready to start.
If I had to sum up what makes me think I want therapy or why I would benefit from therapy,
I've always had a lot of issues around eating and also issues with my mom.
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So those would be the things that I would want to explore with you.
So give me a call back and I look forward to working with you.
When Dr. Toya called me back, we decided we would wait a few weeks after the holidays
and we would begin in January.
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By that time, my best friend who got me into the office actually told me that she didn't
think we could be friends anymore because I was deciding to date a woman.
She felt that God was telling her that I was walking down a bad path and that she couldn't
be my friend if this was the lifestyle I was going to choose.
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So when I found myself at therapy, initially wanting to go because I struggled with disordered
eating issues for 10 years and mommy issues for damn near 20, I actually began to unpack
the trauma of a major friend breakup, the grief and shame that ensued while I was simultaneously
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dating a woman for the first time.
I was shifting out of a volunteer position, leading a teen small group for a local mega
church while also leaving a teaching position with a mega Christian theater group.
My world felt like it was caving in all because of love and who I loved.
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I lost many friends and people in my life as I began to come out and I had to walk away
from institutions and establishments that didn't believe that love is love.
Thankfully my parents and my grandparents and some other family members supported me,
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but I also had others who refused to attend my wedding years later.
At 22, I went to therapy for one thing, but began to unpack so many boxes in boxes in
boxes of things that I needed to process and heal.
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Leaving church institutions and religious workplaces, coming out publicly to my friends
and family and my school community, both parents and students.
I was dealing with grief and loss on a routine basis when other people walked out of my life
because of who I wanted to love and eventually because of who I chose to marry.
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Through further therapy, I began to discuss the anger and rage that filled my home, the
fighting, the despicable words that were exchanged between my partner and I, the insecurity and
manipulation, the constant struggle for power and control on both our parts.
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My therapist was there right at the beginning when I met this person and my therapist was
there later when my wife and I decided to divorce.
She was there when I began to date and have sex with men for the first time at 28.
It had been eight years of therapy.
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And let me tell you, Dr. Toya is indeed the goddess that my former bestie said she was.
Thank God, thank spirit for her.
And if me and my childhood bestie only wrote it in our stories for us to meet and be friends
for 10 years for her to bring me to my therapist and then dump me, that is OK.
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Because she brought me to the woman who gave me a safe space to unravel and sort through
my boxes.
It was time to go back to the reason why I began therapy at all, the reason why I made
that first call.
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Her office was magical.
In the lobby, there was a kid's easel for art, expired issues of psychology magazines,
a bowl of candy on the desk.
And you can bet I took a piece every single time because I deserved it, sometimes going
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in and sometimes going out.
On the door to her office, there is a placard that reads, enlightened journeys.
When I read that on the first day, I knew I was going to like it there.
The room was dimly lit and there was a small window that looked out at a stone courtyard.
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It was bleak and nothing green grew there.
The pleather couch had a tear which showed how well loved it was.
The artwork was nothing memorable.
There were degrees and diplomas stacked on the desk.
There was a necessary box of tissues and a necessary second bowl of candy.
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Remember, I told you this place was magical.
Sometimes I would walk into her office and plop down on the couch feeling happy as ever
and then I would leave feeling a mess.
Sometimes I would throw myself on the couch upon entering, embarrassed and ashamed to
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tell her whatever I had done over the last week.
But then I would leave feeling so much lighter and like she wound up all my loose ends for
me.
We would laugh together.
We would cackle together.
And I always felt safe.
I never felt judged.
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She never once told me that my mom was a narcissist.
She never once told me that I was suffering from abuse.
She never told me that my marriage was toxic.
She never told me I should get divorced.
She never told me anything.
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But she guided me and held my hand and equipped me with so many tools and empowered me so
that I could listen to my own intuition and trust myself.
She awakened parts of me that I thought were too ugly for the world to see.
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She helped me meet myself and fall in love with myself.
And she did it with just the daintiest hand and lots of tissues and lots of bowls of candy.
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On this particular day when I walked into her office, true to goddess form, her hair
was done in dreads, in shades of brown and honey, with gold beads and hoops adorning
its braids.
Her smile was always warm and I knew she was happy to see me.
We always had a good time together, even if we were unpacking the not so good times.
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When I first met Dr. Toya and she asked me to describe my childhood and what I was like
as a child, I told her that I was angry, that I was mad.
I was very emotionally turbulent, but mostly just mad.
I didn't really know any other words to describe my feelings the way that I think I can today.
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No matter what I was feeling inside, everything just coded as anger.
And that's pretty much the range of emotions I was able to show on the outside.
I would cross my arms, stomp my feet.
My voice would get louder.
I would scream and shout.
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I would display such a fixed angry face, a furrowed brow and tight pursed lips.
I really wanted the attention of my caregivers and the adults around me.
I thought that by displaying more mad characteristics, perhaps that would get them to come closer.
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And even as a young teen, I've always found that I would describe myself as angry.
At that time, I didn't know that anger wasn't my natural state.
I just kind of thought it was.
I thought I was born that way.
I thought I was just born a bad seed.
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By the time Dr. Toya and I were ready to do the work related to my mom, I wasn't living
at home anymore.
I had been in my own space for a few years, but I found that the anger followed me.
It didn't seem just to be an issue I had with my mom or conflict that I had with my mom.
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It was conflict that was seeping into my marriage.
I found myself at times filled with such rage and such aggression that I knew I really needed
to go back to the roots and rewire.
Dr. Toya never told me herself that she would describe me as having PTSD.
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It's just something that I've came to realize and understand about myself when I reflect
on my history.
At some point, she brought up this therapy, EDMR, to me.
She explained how it's used and how it would take us a few sessions to really prepare,
but that she thought it might be really beneficial for me.
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People could experience a resolution of trauma, improved relationships, better physical health,
improved focus and concentration, improved sleep quality.
I had already been participating in talk therapy for the last six years, so I thought I had
nothing to lose.
Why not?
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EDMR therapy can be approached in a few different ways.
Some clinicians have their patients use specific eye movements.
Others use headphones with an audio tone, alternating from one ear to the other.
Another strategy and the tool that I ended up using were almost like remote controls
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that you hold in your palms.
They vibrate one hand and then the other, one hand and then the other.
These tools were more helpful for me because I liked to close my eyes while I was going
through the EDMR therapy and also because I spent a great deal of it crying and releasing
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emotions.
An important feature of this therapy that is a little bit more complex for me to explain
is related to the bilateral stimulation.
We're sending signals from the right side of the body to the left side of the body,
the right side of the brain to the left side of the brain.
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Somehow in there, that is where the reprogramming and rewiring begins to happen.
We spent a session or two first preparing for the EDMR therapy.
We had to create a safe place for my mind and for my body to go to if at any time the
therapy began to feel too intense or overwhelming.
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This safe place that my therapist and I would create would also be the place that she would
bring me back to as I prepared to end the therapy session and return to the world at
present.
She asked me to describe a happy place and to create that for myself in my mind.
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Ironically, I picked the beach in Mexico where I was for my honeymoon.
That was the last time that I could recall feeling totally peaceful and tranquil.
I visualized myself sitting in the sand, feeling the grit on my hands and my feet.
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I could feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, creating little prickles of sweat along my
neck.
I looked out at the waves and as they came toward me, I would breathe in and out.
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Every inhale and exhale would match the timing of the waves crashing on this serene beach
in my mind.
We then began to craft the scene that we were going to revisit.
Dr. Toya had asked me to think back about the earliest traumatic memory that I could
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recall.
I closed my eyes and began to conjure up the vision of my bedroom from the 1990s.
The walls are burgundy.
There's this floral border around on the walls.
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And the carpet is like a dark orange shag.
I'm sitting at my desk on a chair and I can hear the crack of an aluminum baseball bat
just outside the window.
And kids are playing baseball at the playground nearby.
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I look around the room and I see dust particles dancing in the air as the rays of sun shine
through the window.
I look over to the corner of my room and I feel fear.
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My chest feels heavy and my stomach begins to clench.
I've been so bad.
I've been so bad.
My mom is going to be so mad.
I'm sitting in my room right now because I was bad.
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And I must have been four or five.
I wasn't quite in school yet.
So I don't even remember what I did to be put in my room in the first place.
But as a kid, I spent a lot of time in my room, a lot of time in timeouts, a lot of
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time by myself.
I don't know what I did to be punished and put in my room, but I'm in my room and I'm
looking in the corner and I feel so afraid and I feel so bad.
And my mom's going to be so mad at me because I went to the bathroom.
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I went to the bathroom in my room.
I peed in my trash can and I pooped on the floor.
You see, my bedroom was attached to my parents' bedroom and the only way to get to the bathroom
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or the hallway was to go through my parents' bedroom.
And I was so afraid to ask my mom or so afraid to open the door.
I was so afraid to tell her that I had to go to the bathroom and so I just had to go
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in my room.
But I'm sitting here at my desk and I'm feeling such fear knowing that she's already so mad
at me and it's about to get worse.
It's only a matter of time before she comes back into my room and she sees what I've done.
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My mom comes in my room a little bit later and a smile spreads across my face because
I feel so embarrassed and she's just as mad as I thought she would be.
What did you do?
What did you do?
What is wrong with you?
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What you think this is funny?
What are you smiling about?
I'll give you something to smile about.
Get up.
Get up right now.
She grabs me by the arm and she spanks me.
Then she grabs the trash can and she pulls us both into the bathroom.
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Dr. Toya helps bring me back to some of the sensations of the room and the sights and
sounds.
I can feel the cold tub against my body and I feel the tub pressing into my abdomen because
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I'm not tall enough to bend over and lean into the tub.
So my mom is yanking me and pulling me over the edge of the tub.
She's grabbing my hand and she's using it to clean out the trash can that I have just
peed in.
You are so disgusting.
This is sick.
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You are so disgusting.
You are an animal.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
Are you an animal?
What are you going to live in a barn?
Are you going to live in a barn?
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I don't really remember much more beyond that.
The trash can getting cleaned.
I'm sure my mom sent me back to my room and I probably cried myself to sleep.
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And then the next day we woke up and we pretended it never happened and life went on.
Dr. Toya helped me in this session to understand that the root of my brain and the root of
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my trauma all really centers around me feeling bad, feeling bad, bad.
I'm a bad girl.
I'm bad.
Through reprocessing this experience I can see and I can understand I'm not bad.
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I'm a little girl who's afraid.
I remember getting a little tripped up on the fact that I couldn't remember what I was
being punished for in the first place.
But Dr. Toya helped me to understand that the details don't matter.
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It doesn't matter what I did as a child.
I was a child who was learning.
I was a child who of course is going to make mistakes.
But what she wanted to focus on was the fear.
The fear that was in me so strong not just from that situation but from all the situations
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that happened before that I can't remember that instilled such fear in me.
As I recounted this experience in that therapy session my body was able to cry and wail,
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sob and release and really experience viewing that situation from an outside perspective.
I was able to process it with my adult mind and my adult lens, my teacher lens and I was
able to have such compassion for myself, such compassion for Rachael and such understanding
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for her to understand I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't a bad seed, I wasn't a bad little
girl, I was just a little kid who was very afraid.
That session single-handedly transformed the way that I was viewing myself and viewing
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and understanding little Rachael as a child.
I was able to start rewriting the script in my brain that believed I was bad and that
I was a bad seed and that there was something wrong with me.
Processing this memory for me helped me to finally understand that I was a victim and
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that this anger and rage that I had been carrying with me was programmed into me.
It didn't come from inside of me and it wasn't my natural state.
Thank you friends and radicals for listening to that story.
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I know it's a doozy but I have to unpack my beginning a little bit.
At the beginning of today's episode I invited you to believe the radical idea that you wrote
your life story.
You co-authored it.
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So that would mean that my soul and my spirit picked my life and even the painful and traumatic
parts of my story.
And that means my mom was at my great table and we wrote this journey too.
And I know that my sister looked down on earth and she saw me and my family and she picked
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us because she knew I would need her.
So when things fall apart I trust that it's happening for me.
I know that I as the main character I'm just being led on a new path or discovery.
I trust the ending is still going to be good.
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We can't change the things that happened to us.
We can't change the past.
However, we can change the lens and the mindset that we look at those events with.
Developing a new lens and shifting your mindset takes a lot of work.
I would highly recommend working with a licensed therapist specializing in talk therapy or
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EDMR if it feels right for you.
At the end of every episode I invite you the listener to repeat a few affirmations out
loud with me.
I really believe in the strength and power that come from claiming these things out loud
and speaking them over ourselves.
Today's affirmations are centered around security.
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I am safe inside my body.
I believe that everything is going to work out.
I welcome the safety provided by a higher power.
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Let's do that one more time.
Repeat after me.
I am safe inside my body.
I believe that everything is going to work out.
I welcome the safety provided by a higher power.
(46:59):
Now that we've had a vocabulary lesson and you know the definition, you want to be radical,
don't you?
Thanks for listening.
Until next time, radically, Rachael.
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If you don't like the world you are on, just turn around.
You too will start living a radically different life.
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And dreamers have to dream the world that no one else can see.
Two eyes closed and one heart open, straight for destiny.
Following the path you chose, the glory you chose to be.
You want to be radical, don't you?
Free in all the ways it matters, nothing left to prove.
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You want to be radical, don't you?
Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
You want to be radical, don't you?
Free in all the ways it matters, nothing left to prove.
You want to be radical, don't you?
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Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
(49:37):
Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
One day I woke up and realized that I wasn't happy.
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But the best part about writing your own story is that you can change it whenever you want.
You are the main character and the author.
This is my life story, the spiritual awakening and sexual evolution of a wild woman.
(00:31):
May these stories help you to see and understand your own story better, awakening you to the
magic and synchronicity within your own life.
I know they will make you laugh, cry, and cringe.
But they will also be a light in the darkness and a mirror to teach you more deeply about
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who you are called to be.
I am Radically Rachael
(01:18):
Hello Kings and Queens and everything in between.
Suns, moons, and stars.
Listeners near and listeners far.
My name is Rachael Wilde and I'm so happy to have you back to the Radically Rachael podcast.
This is episode 3.
(01:48):
What's up radicals?
Can I call you radicals?
I mean, I know we've only just met, but it feels so right.
So if you're going to be a radical, you're probably going to want to know what the word
means.
As a former teacher and word nerd, I'm happy to share with you the definition.
(02:13):
Love to share a little vocabulary every now and then.
The word radical is an adjective, so that describes a noun, it describes a person, place,
or a thing.
To be a radical is to be especially of change or action relating to or affecting the fundamental
(02:37):
nature of something, far reaching or thorough.
Dang, after hearing that definition, don't you want to be a radical?
I mean, come on.
Throughout the podcast, I'll be sharing with you some radical ideas that are meant to bring
(03:00):
change to your life, are meant to make you want to spur new dreams into action.
Some of the radical ideas are going to be a little scary.
They're going to be outside the box of the way you usually think, and that's okay.
Chew on those ideas a little bit more and let my stories be the examples for how I came
(03:24):
to believe these radical things.
But you've been warned, because remember, to be a radical means that there's going
to be change to the fundamental nature of something.
So proceed with caution.
(03:49):
When I first began to create a vision for my podcast, I labored over how to begin.
I kept hearing Julie Andrews singing in my mind.
Let's start at the very beginning.
The very best place to start.
(04:09):
The very best place to start.
The very best place to start.
You see, that's how Spirit communicates with me sometimes.
Spirit, God, Universe sends me songs and lyrics.
(04:32):
Sometimes it's a song on the radio or shuffle on my phone, perhaps a commercial on TV.
I always know when it's for me.
However, this time the line of the song would always resound in my head, straight from the
movie.
My late papa, the pastor, was a big fan of music and the arts.
(04:55):
From him, I also found my love of musicals.
I know every now and then he sends me a song too.
You probably can think of a few times in your own life when you've heard a song or heard
a lyric and you just knew that that was meant for you.
Believe it.
Trust that the Universe is singing to you.
(05:16):
The very best place to start.
Start at the beginning?
The very best place to start?
It's just such an unpleasant beginning.
No one wants to start with that.
My stomach knots instantly and my chest begins to tighten.
My jaw locks together, clenched.
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Everything in my body responds in fear.
It wants to constrict, not expand.
That's when my higher self steps in.
I can't say exactly when I came to know this voice as a child, but she is me.
But calmer, stronger.
(06:01):
The voice of reason.
She soothes me when I cry.
She reminds me of Miss Honey from the movie Matilda.
She is the Miss that I became as a teacher.
The best version of me who I met inside the classroom.
Miss Honey.
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But your beginning is the foundation that all of your story is built upon.
It will unfold and explain the rest.
You can do this.
You can do hard things.
I know it's an uncomfortable way, but I know it is the way.
(06:43):
After all, I believe I wrote my life story before I got here.
In Spiritland, up at a great table, with my spirit guides and God and the over souls of
my soul family and ancestors, it was the biggest board meeting ever.
(07:04):
Keeping my life at a great king's or queen's table.
And I believe you did the same before you got here too.
We decide what we want our journey to be like, what lessons we want to experience, how we
want our soul to grow.
We sign some karmic agreements and contracts with other people for our lifetime.
(07:26):
Some of it will be beautiful, and some of it will be destructive and painful.
We shake hands and we say, see you on the other side.
I believe that is also why we feel so strongly sometimes that we know people, both friends
and lovers.
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Something about the energy, the cosmic DNA of someone else.
It's familiar.
We are of the same stardust somehow, and we manage to find one another here.
We picked one another for the journey.
So I believe when I was writing my Earth story for this lifetime, I picked some unique levels.
(08:12):
Christian, childhood drama, queer, divorce.
Not everyone signed up for those courses in this lifetime, but I did.
What about you?
What courses are on your cosmic load?
It's a far out idea.
I know.
(08:33):
It's radical, but it brings me so much peace.
Everything I encounter, good or bad, I believe it is happening for me.
Not to me, but for me.
And I picked it.
I wrote it, co-authored it with spirit.
(08:55):
It lets me trust when things fall apart.
I know the main character, me, is just being led on a new path or discovery.
I trust the ending is still going to be good.
Better than whatever I can even think of myself in the present.
Now, I didn't always have that radical belief.
(09:18):
I used to believe that God was writing my life story, and it was up to me to choose
right or wrong.
When bad things happened, I thought I was being punished.
I'd been bad.
I'd been sinning.
I wasn't being good enough for God to give me a good story.
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I needed to work harder, be better, be good.
Thankfully, I deconstructed that religious programming later in my mid-twenties.
I'll discuss that in another episode.
But for now, I want to invite you to think about the radical idea I am presenting.
(10:02):
What if you wrote your story?
The good, bad, and in between.
What if you and spirit wrote it together, and it's unraveling piece by piece, but for
us, happening for us, all things working out for our highest good?
(10:28):
You, the main character, trust that even when something downright terrible is happening,
you might not see how it is working out in your favor, but just trust that it will, because
we trust you, yourself, as the author.
(10:51):
Have you ever felt in your very bones that you needed to quit your job, move somewhere
new?
Maybe you're developing feelings for a new supporting character.
Something is keeping you up at night, or stuck in bed in the morning.
Whatever it is, your soul, the main character, is being invited to pivot, make a change,
(11:17):
into your heart and soul, and respond.
Trust that you, and the universe, have something waiting in the wings.
There are going to be detours, and roadblocks at times, but each one, you actually wrote.
So ease into the idea that you wrote the story, and you will then become more in tune with
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the roadmap that is inside your heart.
So if I can say that, preach that, teach that, I have to live that, and be that.
So I have to start at the beginning of my story, trusting that it's the story my soul
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chose to jump into.
I came to earth knowing what would be ahead of me, but I also knew it would have a great
ending.
So let's go back.
Back to the beginning.
(12:37):
In today's episode, I'm going to share about a session I had with my therapist, in which
we revisit a specific traumatic childhood event.
We revisit this event using a technique called EMDR therapy.
EMDR therapy came about in 1987, and it was first used for the treatment of Post Traumatic
(13:01):
Stress Disorder, PTSD.
Today it's being used for an array of disorders and diagnoses, depression, anxiety, panic
attacks, eating disorders, substance use disorders, just to list a few.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
(13:27):
This method involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories.
The goal is to help you heal from trauma or other distressing life experiences.
This therapy temporarily slows the overstimulated amygdala down and synchronizes the brainwaves,
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helping you process the traumatic memory.
Often, our brain stores trauma memories in a way that doesn't really allow for healthy
healing.
Trauma is like a wound that your brain hasn't been allowed to heal.
Because it didn't have the chance to heal, your brain didn't receive the message that
the danger is over.
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So newer experiences that we have can link up to earlier traumatic experiences and reinforce
a negative experience over and over again.
That disrupts the link between our senses and our memories.
It acts as like an injury to the mind.
And just like your body being sensitive to pain from an injury, your mind has a higher
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sensitivity to things that you saw, heard, smelled, or felt during a trauma-related event.
EMDR therapy doesn't require talking in detail about the distressing issue, but we
do revisit that place.
EMDR instead focuses on changing the emotions, thoughts, or behaviors that result from a
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distressing experience, the trauma.
This allows your brain to resume a natural healing process.
While many people use the words mind and brain when referring to the same thing, they're
actually different.
Your brain is an organ of your body, and your mind is the collection of thoughts, memories,
(15:25):
beliefs, and experiences that make you who you are.
The way your mind works relies on the structure of your brain.
That structure involves networks of communicating brain cells across many different areas.
That's especially the case with sections that involve your memories and senses.
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That networking makes it faster and easier for those areas to work together.
That's why your senses, sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings can bring back such strong
memories.
So I have to say that regardless of what your personal childhood or life experiences are,
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everyone experiences trauma.
We call it big T trauma or little T trauma when we're discussing childhood trauma in
children.
We all have experiences that have caused us suffering and pain.
And if for some reason you haven't quite been allowed to heal or had the time or the capacity
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to invest into healing and really reflecting and doing the work on certain past events,
you might be walking around like an open wound where you might be finding yourself triggered
in a triggered state because your amygdala, the alarm system of the brain, is telling
(16:53):
you there's a fire, there's a red flag, there's something wrong when everything's actually
okay.
For some people, certain sights, sounds, and smells can send someone's nervous system
into a dysregulated state.
Someone could find themselves suddenly experiencing flight, fight, freeze, or fawn, these different
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trauma responses in a very unrelated situation just because we've been triggered by something
unhealed in our brain that is deeply connected and deeply wired to a past traumatic event.
I wanted to take a little bit of time to explain EMDR therapy so that you might understand
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how and why my therapist chose this technique for she and I to work on together.
And also, if anything I've said has resonated with you and you're interested in EMDR therapy,
you can find a therapist or a practitioner who is trained to provide EMDR therapy for
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you.
It's not something that you can do just in one session.
It takes some time and preparation to really get to a safe state of being so that you can
revisit these events from the past in a safe way.
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It's December 2012 and I am 22 years old.
I have just gotten a big girl job in the teaching world and possess my own insurance.
My childhood neighbor and bestie at the time, Kylie, had been going to therapy for a few
months and kept singing the praises of this goddess named Dr. Toya.
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If my bestie of 10 years felt that therapy could help me feel better and that this woman
was a good doctor, I trusted her and her opinion.
Though I sat on it for a few weeks, I eventually made the call.
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The voicemail went something like this.
Hi, Dr. Toya.
My name is Rachael Wilde
I'm a friend of Kylie's and she gave me your contact information.
I've known that I wanted to get therapy probably since when I was in high school, but I just
(19:34):
started a job where I have my own insurance now and so I'm ready to start.
If I had to sum up what makes me think I want therapy or why I would benefit from therapy,
I've always had a lot of issues around eating and also issues with my mom.
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So those would be the things that I would want to explore with you.
So give me a call back and I look forward to working with you.
When Dr. Toya called me back, we decided we would wait a few weeks after the holidays
and we would begin in January.
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By that time, my best friend who got me into the office actually told me that she didn't
think we could be friends anymore because I was deciding to date a woman.
She felt that God was telling her that I was walking down a bad path and that she couldn't
be my friend if this was the lifestyle I was going to choose.
(20:45):
So when I found myself at therapy, initially wanting to go because I struggled with disordered
eating issues for 10 years and mommy issues for damn near 20, I actually began to unpack
the trauma of a major friend breakup, the grief and shame that ensued while I was simultaneously
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dating a woman for the first time.
I was shifting out of a volunteer position, leading a teen small group for a local mega
church while also leaving a teaching position with a mega Christian theater group.
My world felt like it was caving in all because of love and who I loved.
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I lost many friends and people in my life as I began to come out and I had to walk away
from institutions and establishments that didn't believe that love is love.
Thankfully my parents and my grandparents and some other family members supported me,
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but I also had others who refused to attend my wedding years later.
At 22, I went to therapy for one thing, but began to unpack so many boxes in boxes in
boxes of things that I needed to process and heal.
(22:17):
Leaving church institutions and religious workplaces, coming out publicly to my friends
and family and my school community, both parents and students.
I was dealing with grief and loss on a routine basis when other people walked out of my life
because of who I wanted to love and eventually because of who I chose to marry.
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Through further therapy, I began to discuss the anger and rage that filled my home, the
fighting, the despicable words that were exchanged between my partner and I, the insecurity and
manipulation, the constant struggle for power and control on both our parts.
(23:09):
My therapist was there right at the beginning when I met this person and my therapist was
there later when my wife and I decided to divorce.
She was there when I began to date and have sex with men for the first time at 28.
It had been eight years of therapy.
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And let me tell you, Dr. Toya is indeed the goddess that my former bestie said she was.
Thank God, thank spirit for her.
And if me and my childhood bestie only wrote it in our stories for us to meet and be friends
for 10 years for her to bring me to my therapist and then dump me, that is OK.
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Because she brought me to the woman who gave me a safe space to unravel and sort through
my boxes.
It was time to go back to the reason why I began therapy at all, the reason why I made
that first call.
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Her office was magical.
In the lobby, there was a kid's easel for art, expired issues of psychology magazines,
a bowl of candy on the desk.
And you can bet I took a piece every single time because I deserved it, sometimes going
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in and sometimes going out.
On the door to her office, there is a placard that reads, enlightened journeys.
When I read that on the first day, I knew I was going to like it there.
The room was dimly lit and there was a small window that looked out at a stone courtyard.
(25:11):
It was bleak and nothing green grew there.
The pleather couch had a tear which showed how well loved it was.
The artwork was nothing memorable.
There were degrees and diplomas stacked on the desk.
There was a necessary box of tissues and a necessary second bowl of candy.
(25:36):
Remember, I told you this place was magical.
Sometimes I would walk into her office and plop down on the couch feeling happy as ever
and then I would leave feeling a mess.
Sometimes I would throw myself on the couch upon entering, embarrassed and ashamed to
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tell her whatever I had done over the last week.
But then I would leave feeling so much lighter and like she wound up all my loose ends for
me.
We would laugh together.
We would cackle together.
And I always felt safe.
I never felt judged.
(26:20):
She never once told me that my mom was a narcissist.
She never once told me that I was suffering from abuse.
She never told me that my marriage was toxic.
She never told me I should get divorced.
She never told me anything.
(26:43):
But she guided me and held my hand and equipped me with so many tools and empowered me so
that I could listen to my own intuition and trust myself.
She awakened parts of me that I thought were too ugly for the world to see.
(27:04):
She helped me meet myself and fall in love with myself.
And she did it with just the daintiest hand and lots of tissues and lots of bowls of candy.
(27:35):
On this particular day when I walked into her office, true to goddess form, her hair
was done in dreads, in shades of brown and honey, with gold beads and hoops adorning
its braids.
Her smile was always warm and I knew she was happy to see me.
We always had a good time together, even if we were unpacking the not so good times.
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When I first met Dr. Toya and she asked me to describe my childhood and what I was like
as a child, I told her that I was angry, that I was mad.
I was very emotionally turbulent, but mostly just mad.
I didn't really know any other words to describe my feelings the way that I think I can today.
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No matter what I was feeling inside, everything just coded as anger.
And that's pretty much the range of emotions I was able to show on the outside.
I would cross my arms, stomp my feet.
My voice would get louder.
I would scream and shout.
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I would display such a fixed angry face, a furrowed brow and tight pursed lips.
I really wanted the attention of my caregivers and the adults around me.
I thought that by displaying more mad characteristics, perhaps that would get them to come closer.
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And even as a young teen, I've always found that I would describe myself as angry.
At that time, I didn't know that anger wasn't my natural state.
I just kind of thought it was.
I thought I was born that way.
I thought I was just born a bad seed.
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By the time Dr. Toya and I were ready to do the work related to my mom, I wasn't living
at home anymore.
I had been in my own space for a few years, but I found that the anger followed me.
It didn't seem just to be an issue I had with my mom or conflict that I had with my mom.
(29:55):
It was conflict that was seeping into my marriage.
I found myself at times filled with such rage and such aggression that I knew I really needed
to go back to the roots and rewire.
Dr. Toya never told me herself that she would describe me as having PTSD.
(30:18):
It's just something that I've came to realize and understand about myself when I reflect
on my history.
At some point, she brought up this therapy, EDMR, to me.
She explained how it's used and how it would take us a few sessions to really prepare,
but that she thought it might be really beneficial for me.
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People could experience a resolution of trauma, improved relationships, better physical health,
improved focus and concentration, improved sleep quality.
I had already been participating in talk therapy for the last six years, so I thought I had
nothing to lose.
Why not?
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EDMR therapy can be approached in a few different ways.
Some clinicians have their patients use specific eye movements.
Others use headphones with an audio tone, alternating from one ear to the other.
Another strategy and the tool that I ended up using were almost like remote controls
(31:24):
that you hold in your palms.
They vibrate one hand and then the other, one hand and then the other.
These tools were more helpful for me because I liked to close my eyes while I was going
through the EDMR therapy and also because I spent a great deal of it crying and releasing
(31:45):
emotions.
An important feature of this therapy that is a little bit more complex for me to explain
is related to the bilateral stimulation.
We're sending signals from the right side of the body to the left side of the body,
the right side of the brain to the left side of the brain.
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Somehow in there, that is where the reprogramming and rewiring begins to happen.
We spent a session or two first preparing for the EDMR therapy.
We had to create a safe place for my mind and for my body to go to if at any time the
therapy began to feel too intense or overwhelming.
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This safe place that my therapist and I would create would also be the place that she would
bring me back to as I prepared to end the therapy session and return to the world at
present.
She asked me to describe a happy place and to create that for myself in my mind.
(32:51):
Ironically, I picked the beach in Mexico where I was for my honeymoon.
That was the last time that I could recall feeling totally peaceful and tranquil.
I visualized myself sitting in the sand, feeling the grit on my hands and my feet.
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I could feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, creating little prickles of sweat along my
neck.
I looked out at the waves and as they came toward me, I would breathe in and out.
(33:36):
Every inhale and exhale would match the timing of the waves crashing on this serene beach
in my mind.
We then began to craft the scene that we were going to revisit.
Dr. Toya had asked me to think back about the earliest traumatic memory that I could
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recall.
I closed my eyes and began to conjure up the vision of my bedroom from the 1990s.
The walls are burgundy.
There's this floral border around on the walls.
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And the carpet is like a dark orange shag.
I'm sitting at my desk on a chair and I can hear the crack of an aluminum baseball bat
just outside the window.
And kids are playing baseball at the playground nearby.
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I look around the room and I see dust particles dancing in the air as the rays of sun shine
through the window.
I look over to the corner of my room and I feel fear.
(35:17):
My chest feels heavy and my stomach begins to clench.
I've been so bad.
I've been so bad.
My mom is going to be so mad.
I'm sitting in my room right now because I was bad.
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And I must have been four or five.
I wasn't quite in school yet.
So I don't even remember what I did to be put in my room in the first place.
But as a kid, I spent a lot of time in my room, a lot of time in timeouts, a lot of
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time by myself.
I don't know what I did to be punished and put in my room, but I'm in my room and I'm
looking in the corner and I feel so afraid and I feel so bad.
And my mom's going to be so mad at me because I went to the bathroom.
(36:33):
I went to the bathroom in my room.
I peed in my trash can and I pooped on the floor.
You see, my bedroom was attached to my parents' bedroom and the only way to get to the bathroom
(37:02):
or the hallway was to go through my parents' bedroom.
And I was so afraid to ask my mom or so afraid to open the door.
I was so afraid to tell her that I had to go to the bathroom and so I just had to go
(37:25):
in my room.
But I'm sitting here at my desk and I'm feeling such fear knowing that she's already so mad
at me and it's about to get worse.
It's only a matter of time before she comes back into my room and she sees what I've done.
(37:56):
My mom comes in my room a little bit later and a smile spreads across my face because
I feel so embarrassed and she's just as mad as I thought she would be.
What did you do?
What did you do?
What is wrong with you?
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What you think this is funny?
What are you smiling about?
I'll give you something to smile about.
Get up.
Get up right now.
She grabs me by the arm and she spanks me.
Then she grabs the trash can and she pulls us both into the bathroom.
(38:39):
Dr. Toya helps bring me back to some of the sensations of the room and the sights and
sounds.
I can feel the cold tub against my body and I feel the tub pressing into my abdomen because
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I'm not tall enough to bend over and lean into the tub.
So my mom is yanking me and pulling me over the edge of the tub.
She's grabbing my hand and she's using it to clean out the trash can that I have just
peed in.
You are so disgusting.
This is sick.
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You are so disgusting.
You are an animal.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
Are you an animal?
What are you going to live in a barn?
Are you going to live in a barn?
(39:55):
I don't really remember much more beyond that.
The trash can getting cleaned.
I'm sure my mom sent me back to my room and I probably cried myself to sleep.
(40:25):
And then the next day we woke up and we pretended it never happened and life went on.
Dr. Toya helped me in this session to understand that the root of my brain and the root of
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my trauma all really centers around me feeling bad, feeling bad, bad.
I'm a bad girl.
I'm bad.
Through reprocessing this experience I can see and I can understand I'm not bad.
(41:19):
I'm a little girl who's afraid.
I remember getting a little tripped up on the fact that I couldn't remember what I was
being punished for in the first place.
But Dr. Toya helped me to understand that the details don't matter.
(41:41):
It doesn't matter what I did as a child.
I was a child who was learning.
I was a child who of course is going to make mistakes.
But what she wanted to focus on was the fear.
The fear that was in me so strong not just from that situation but from all the situations
(42:05):
that happened before that I can't remember that instilled such fear in me.
As I recounted this experience in that therapy session my body was able to cry and wail,
(42:31):
sob and release and really experience viewing that situation from an outside perspective.
I was able to process it with my adult mind and my adult lens, my teacher lens and I was
able to have such compassion for myself, such compassion for Rachael and such understanding
(42:59):
for her to understand I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't a bad seed, I wasn't a bad little
girl, I was just a little kid who was very afraid.
That session single-handedly transformed the way that I was viewing myself and viewing
(43:20):
and understanding little Rachael as a child.
I was able to start rewriting the script in my brain that believed I was bad and that
I was a bad seed and that there was something wrong with me.
Processing this memory for me helped me to finally understand that I was a victim and
(43:47):
that this anger and rage that I had been carrying with me was programmed into me.
It didn't come from inside of me and it wasn't my natural state.
Thank you friends and radicals for listening to that story.
(44:11):
I know it's a doozy but I have to unpack my beginning a little bit.
At the beginning of today's episode I invited you to believe the radical idea that you wrote
your life story.
You co-authored it.
(44:33):
So that would mean that my soul and my spirit picked my life and even the painful and traumatic
parts of my story.
And that means my mom was at my great table and we wrote this journey too.
And I know that my sister looked down on earth and she saw me and my family and she picked
(44:57):
us because she knew I would need her.
So when things fall apart I trust that it's happening for me.
I know that I as the main character I'm just being led on a new path or discovery.
I trust the ending is still going to be good.
(45:20):
We can't change the things that happened to us.
We can't change the past.
However, we can change the lens and the mindset that we look at those events with.
Developing a new lens and shifting your mindset takes a lot of work.
I would highly recommend working with a licensed therapist specializing in talk therapy or
(45:44):
EDMR if it feels right for you.
At the end of every episode I invite you the listener to repeat a few affirmations out
loud with me.
I really believe in the strength and power that come from claiming these things out loud
and speaking them over ourselves.
Today's affirmations are centered around security.
(46:08):
I am safe inside my body.
I believe that everything is going to work out.
I welcome the safety provided by a higher power.
(46:31):
Let's do that one more time.
Repeat after me.
I am safe inside my body.
I believe that everything is going to work out.
I welcome the safety provided by a higher power.
(46:59):
Now that we've had a vocabulary lesson and you know the definition, you want to be radical,
don't you?
Thanks for listening.
Until next time, radically, Rachael.
(47:39):
If you don't like the world you are on, just turn around.
You too will start living a radically different life.
(48:17):
And dreamers have to dream the world that no one else can see.
Two eyes closed and one heart open, straight for destiny.
Following the path you chose, the glory you chose to be.
You want to be radical, don't you?
Free in all the ways it matters, nothing left to prove.
(48:42):
You want to be radical, don't you?
Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
You want to be radical, don't you?
Free in all the ways it matters, nothing left to prove.
You want to be radical, don't you?
(49:07):
Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
(49:37):
Lose yourself to find yourself, to find out what is true.
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