October 7, 2025 • 24 mins
Playing time can be one of the most emotional and confusing parts of sports for athletes and parents alike.
You see your daughter working hard, but she’s frustrated when she doesn’t get minutes on the court or field. You want to help, but you’re not sure how to do it without stepping in or making things worse.
In this episode, Coach Bre shares practical ways to support your daughter when she’s struggling with playing time, and how to guide her to confidently talk to her coach.
You’ll learn:
✅ How to understand your team’s playing time philosophy
✅ How to help your daughter own her role and see her value beyond minutes played
✅ What to do (and not do) when you’re frustrated, too
✅ Step-by-step conversation tips for your daughter to approach her coach
✅ How to reframe tough situations into powerful growth opportunities
Your daughter’s worth isn’t measured in minutes. It’s reflected in her effort, her courage to speak up, and her growth through challenges.
When she learns how to advocate for herself, she doesn’t just earn more playing time. She earns lasting confidence.
Episode Highlights:
[00:00:00] Coach Bre sets the stage: Playing time is one of the most emotional, frustrating topics for parents and athletes alike.
[00:03:10] Invitation to join the TrainHerGame.com free training, a gateway to the Elite Mental Game program designed to boost girls’ confidence fast.
[00:05:30] Inside look at how Bre’s varsity team sets clear expectations and defines roles to help players feel valued even if they aren’t starters..
[00:09:20] Bre shares her own college story of being a blocking sub. This is proof that limited playing time doesn’t equal limited impact.
[00:11:40] Moms, check yourselves. Is it your frustration about playing time, or your daughter’s? Honest self-reflection prevents emotional overreactions.
[00:13:50] Encourage self-advocacy! Don’t email the coach yourself. Let your daughter take the lead to build real-world communication skills.
[00:15:00] How to prepare for “the talk” with her coach: plan ahead, reflect on strengths and areas to improve, and approach with curiosity, not blame.
[00:17:00] Sample conversation starters: “Coach, can you help me understand my role?”, “What can I work on to contribute more?”
[00:18:40] Prepare her for tough feedback and remind her to thank the coach for clarity. This is growth in action!
[00:20:10] Perspective check: Coaches make decisions for the team, not just one player. Parents can remind their daughters to see the bigger picture.
[00:21:00] If the environment doesn’t fit your daughter’s goals, it’s okay to seek a better team next season. Look for one that aligns with her needs.
[00:22:00] Wrap-up: These hard conversations build confidence, communication skills, and resilience. Playing time might not change overnight, but her self-belief will.
[00:23:00] Final encouragement: Remember, your daughter’s self-worth isn’t measured in minutes on the field but in her courage to keep showing up and speaking up.
Next Steps:
- Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms - How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter's Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
- Visit our podcast website for more great episodes
Thank you in advance for joining us on our mission and leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Let's be real.
Playing time can be one of themost frustrating and emotional
parts of the whole.
Sports experience, not just forathletes, but for us as parents.
So that is exactly what I'mdiving into today in this
episode of the Raising EliteCompetitors podcast.
If I haven't met you, I'm CoachBree.
I'm a mental performance coachfor girl athletes, and I'm
(00:20):
really excited that you're here.
Whether you are just gettinggoing on your sports journey
with your daughter, or maybe youhave a ton of seasons under your
belt, this podcast is for you tohelp you know how to raise a
confident.
Mentally strong girl athletethat can navigate the yeps and
the downs of her sport,including conversations around
playing time with her coach.
And I do hear this a lot on ourfree trainings for moms and in
(00:43):
our community around like she'snot happy with the playing time
that she's getting, but.
She doesn't really know what todo about it.
Or you tell your daughter totalk to her coach and she's
like, I don't wanna talk to my,my coach.
Or, it's scary.
Or they say We can't talk aboutplaying time.
So how do we go about that?
So, I'm gonna be talking aboutthis from a couple of different
(01:04):
angles, but you can do as aparent and some really simple
ways that your daughter canadvocate for herself.
When it comes to this issue ofplaying time.
Now, before I do, I wanna give ashout out to a mom in our
community.
She actually posted this withinour private group.
So this mom has an athlete whois going through our program,
the Elite Mental Game.
Now this is our signatureself-paced mental training
(01:26):
program for girl athletes,proven to increase their mental
strength and confidence throughvery short, simple strategies
rooted in sports psychology tohelp her play and perform her
best.
So, mom's name is Emily.
Emily said, my daughter sat downand finished the first lesson of
phase two last night.
After a few weeks of a lot offrustration at practices this
morning, her coach pulls me overafterwards and says, I noticed
(01:49):
something different about hertoday.
She was able to verbalizeexactly what was difficult for
her, enabling me to providetechnical fixes.
Whatever you're doing at home,keep doing it.
I was thrilled to hear this fromher coach and don't think it was
coincidence that my daughter hadjust completed EMG.
12 hours prior, so Awesome.
Emily, I love hearing this.
I'm so glad that you shared itwith us and so happy for your
(02:12):
daughter that she is able toapply what she's learning and
that's exactly what athletes do.
They learn very simplestrategies in not a whole lot of
time.
When I say that mental training.
You get out more than you putin.
I'm serious.
Like athletes don't have tospend a ton of time.
In fact, our program, they watchfive to 15 minute short videos
from me inside their trainingportal.
And then they have a littlemindset thing to apply to their
(02:33):
practice applied to, theircompetition even that day.
So changes are fast.
They're quick, and that's whatwe need right now for our
athletes so that they have somehope and they have real
strategies to use.
So, congratulations.
Keep going.
Now moms and dads that arelistening, if you are interested
in this for your daughter.
Head to our free training.
It's at train her game.com.
(02:54):
So if you go there, you will,learn about our philosophy a
little bit through our freetraining for parents.
You're gonna pick up somestrategies yourself and you'll
learn all about our program, theElite Mental Game, and you get a
little discount for joining onone of those trainings.
So train her game.com is whereyou can go for all of that.
All right, let's get into itaround playing time, whether.
(03:15):
You're dealing with that rightnow, or you're just prepping for
what could come?
I actually really like talkingabout this because I am a
volleyball coach myself.
I've been a head volleyballcoach for the past 14 years.
So I have, um, also seen it fromthe coach perspective, and I'm
gonna talk about it from thatperspective as well, because I
think that's important.
So the first thing that I wantto cover is just know what the
(03:36):
playing time philosophy is onyour daughter's team before you
even like, consider thisconversation.
At all.
So what I think is important andhow I start off my season at the
parent meeting is I talk veryspecifically about how playing
time is earned, how it'sdistributed, and how it varies
from team to team.
So I coach high school and wehave three teams in our program,
(03:58):
C team, JV, and Varsity, and allof them.
Have different levels of playingtime associated with them.
The team that I coach, thevarsity team, I'm very explicit
that there's not equal playingtime, and that's for a variety
of reasons.
One of which being thatpositions don't all have equal
playing time.
So somebody who plays only inthe back row is going to get
half the amount of playing timefrom, for someone who is a six
(04:20):
rotation player or if I havelike a specialist.
So if I have like a blockingspecialist or a serving
specialist.
They're probably gonna go inonly for like one rotation.
And so depending on what herrole is, and that's the second
piece to this, her role mightnot have a lot of playing time
associated with it.
And also it's really good toknow before you get into a team
what the playing time philosophyis.
(04:41):
Now on my JV team, it's a littlemore equal On the C team, it is
almost all equal depending onyou know, aside from like maybe
positional things, we say thatevery athlete will play in every
game on the JV and C team level.
On the C team, it's the most.
Equitable.
If your daughter's playing on arec team, like my daughter's on
a rec team right now, I have heron that team because I expect
it's going, she's gonna getplaying time.
(05:02):
It's not, you know, supercompetitive at this point.
And so I want her in thatenvironment because I want her
to get a lot of reps and I wanther to be in game situations.
And that was clear from when wesigned up for the team too.
You know, and the club talksabout how on a rec team playing
time is, I mean, maybe likeequal is hard'cause like if
you're a black and white personand you like track the actual
(05:23):
minutes, which I hope you don't,but you know, equal ish, I guess
I'll say.
So.
Know what you're getting into iswhat I'm saying?
I guess.
So, know what the philosophy is,know how playing time is
distributed.
What I tell my athletes on thevarsity team, it's very
competitive.
We've won four statechampionships in a row.
Our ultimate goal is to win.
Okay.
I know that that might soundbad, but ultimately I'm judged
(05:44):
based on the performance of myteam and my job as a coach is to
put.
Individuals in the best positionto make the success of the team,
the greatest.
And so that might be six toeight individuals who work the
best together and, you know,provide the best opportunity for
us to win.
And that's my job.
Now, obviously there's anotherside to that because I have 12
girls on my team, and so I wantevery single girl to know that
(06:09):
their role is important and thatthey are valued on the team.
And so I find roles foreverybody on the team.
And I'm very clear about whattheir role is.
And so we even have player rolemeetings at the beginning of the
season, and I talk about whatyour role is, what playing time
is associated with that role.
So I might say, Hey, you are asix rotation outside hitter.
This means that you are going toplay in most games, six
(06:32):
rotations.
You're a go-to, here's what theexpectation is.
Or have some roles where you'rea backup defensive specialist,
meaning there is somebody who isthe main defensive specialist
who will go in.
And if that person cannot playor compete, or we're in certain
games, I say like most of ourleague games will be able to
provide opportunities forplayers.
I will look for allopportunities that I can to get
(06:53):
you in, but your role is abackup, which means that you're
not going to get as much playingtime as the person who is in
that starting position.
Your role, though, still is veryimportant, especially in
practice because you're going tobe getting a lot of reps.
You're challenging our team, andso I talk about.
What it means to be a backupplayer, if that's what their
role is and how they're going tosee playing time, how they can
(07:13):
earn more playing time.
It doesn't mean they will,because ultimately if there's
somebody ahead of them, then.
They might be getting better andthat person ahead of them might
be getting better as well.
So it's just important, I think,overall to know like, what is
the philosophy?
How is playing time distributed?
How is it earned?
Does it ever change?
I tell my athletes, I'm alwayslooking for opportunities to get
you in.
And so.
(07:34):
If not every game, you know atsome point in our league
matches, I will make sure to getyou in and make sure that you
have opportunities to play.
But I can't guarantee that ifyou are in a backup role.
So, regardless of all of that,we provide players with a player
impact plan.
That talks about what theirstrengths are, what they need to
be working towards.
(07:55):
And so athletes are stillfeeling like they're improving
as an athlete.
And I also make it abundantlyclear, and I think this is
really important, that we canemphasize as parents too, that
your worth and who you are andyour value to the team is not
dependent on the amount ofplaying time that you get.
I don't think we canoveremphasize that.
And we talked to.
You know, moms, especially inour trainings and dads and we
(08:15):
really wanna make sure thatathletes know who they are is
not just their sport and notjust their playing time.
And a lot of times that can getwarped and it can feel like, you
know, my only value is myplaying time, and if I'm not
getting any, that means I'm notvaluable.
And so we wanna really make surethat we're reemphasizing that
message that.
No, you are more than just anathlete.
(08:35):
And also your efforts, yourimprovement, your attitude, your
ability to be a good teammate,whatever your role is, we want
to be reinforcing that role athome as well and letting them
know that your role isimportant, even if it's not a
role, that gets a ton of playingtime.
So that's just kind of step one,is know the playing time
philosophy, understand what herrole is, and help her own her
(08:56):
role, and help her understandthat like.
Not all roles get the sameamount of playing time.
If you have experience from thepast from that, like I do as a
college athlete, my role, likehonestly the first two or three
years, in the program was ablocking sub.
Like I actually, I didn't get awhole lot of playing time, those
first few years.
And I always share this storywith my players because I'm
like.
I get it.
You know, I get what it feelslike to maybe not have a role
(09:19):
that gets a lot of playing time,but my coach did a really good
job of explaining what that rolewas, what I could be working on,
how I can be improving.
She had like, you know, she'sjust really good at framing it
as you still are super valuableto this.
Team and you challenge us somuch in practice that actually
what we put out on the court isa product of how hard you work
in practice and how hard theypush you or how hard you push
the team.
And so really, likereemphasizing that message at
(09:41):
home is important.
And I talk about how like Iowned my role as a blocking sub.
Like when I did get minutes, Ijust went in really focused on
what my job was.
I didn't have to have a rolewith a ton of playing time to
still be a good teammate, tostill show up and work hard and
practice to still like, feellike I'm a valuable part of the
team.
And I think that message can bereinforced at home as well.
(10:02):
So know what the playing timephilosophy is.
Know like what is her role?
What's her job on the team?
And then from there, that'swhere we can go.
Now, the problem that I see alot is that.
Maybe the playing timephilosophy is not clear from the
coach or from the team that youjoined.
And so you're like, what theheck?
All of a sudden she's notplaying and I don't know why and
no one has to communicated this.
And also what is her role?
(10:22):
I dunno.
So, we work with a lot ofcoaches as well.
We have a whole, side of ourcompany that is dedicated to
helping coaches, with theirculture and with their mental
game and all of that.
And this is one of the thingsthat we work with coaches on
too, is like, make sure you tellathletes like what their role is
because.
That can be the easiest way toclear things up and make sure
that they know what they're,what they're doing on the team
(10:44):
for you.
So, that's where I see theproblem happens is that, as
parents and as players, theydon't know what the playing
time, expectations are and howplaying time is earned, and they
don't know what their role is.
And so they're just kind of likeexpecting to get playing time
and then.
Don't.
And so talking about it, and soit makes a lot of sense why your
daughter might be frustratedbecause typically those two
things are missing.
(11:04):
And so whenever we kind of enterinto this conversation of she's
frustrated with the amount ofplaying time, I also want you to
check yourself are youfrustrated with the amount of
playing time she's getting or isshe having the issue with it?
And so I only say that becausethat might not even be a thing
for you.
But sometimes what happens is usas parents, we get a little bit,
(11:26):
I wouldn't say too invested, butour egos get wrapped up in it.
And the optics of like, well, ifmy daughter's not playing, what
does that look like for me as aparent?
And I'm just being honest here,like it can hit deep.
So.
I just want you to be honestwith yourself and ask yourself,
is it my daughter who has anissue with the amount of playing
time that she's getting, or isit me?
And if it's your daughter thatis coming to you often and
(11:46):
saying like, I don't know whyI'm not playing, and I'm
frustrated I'm not playing, thenwe can go from there and we can
help her.
Facilitate a conversation withher coach, and one thing that
you can do to make sure youdon't really screw this up from
the beginning is just be a goodlistener when she comes to you
with all of this.
Instead of saying like, well, Idon't know.
Coach doesn't know what they'redoing.
Coach doesn't know what they'retalking about, or You're way
(12:07):
better than that player.
I'm not sure why you're notplaying either.
You are going to very quicklyruin.
The dynamics of the team.
Potentially even worse, ifyou're like, well, it's already
bad, well, you're not gonna behelping it at all.
If you continue to, compare yourdaughter to other players and
badmouth the coach, badmouthother players, there's a couple
things that'll happen here.
First of all, you're gonnadamage her relationship with her
(12:28):
coach, because now how are youexpecting her to go have a
conversation with her coach ifyou just badmouth them?
Okay?
Like, that just doesn't makesense.
You're driving a wedge betweenher and her coach, when that
should be the person that she istrying to have a, you know, an
open.
Communication conversation with.
Same thing with players.
You're now driving wedge betweenplayers and comparing and you
know, you are just like addingto the drama as a parent, and I
(12:49):
see this way too often.
So keep your opinions toyourself when your daughter is
talking to you.
You can talk to your partner,your spouse, whatever, about all
of this thing.
All of this, if you have anopinion about it, but in front
of your daughter, do your bestto be a good listener.
Reflect back what she's saying,try to understand what's going
on, and help her process insteadof.
Diving into the middle and beinga part of the problem.
(13:09):
The other thing is that we wantto make sure that our daughters
feel supported, our athletesfeel supported to be able to
advocate for themselves.
If you just jump in and you'relike, well, I'll fix this, I'll
email and ask, and, you know, alot of coaches have rules about,
like, as a parent, you cannottalk to me about playing time
issues.
And so some of that you not,you're not even like permitted
(13:31):
to do anyways.
But if you do decide like, well,I'm just gonna.
Do this.
You're robbing your daughter ofan opportunity to advocate for
herself and have a reallyproductive conversation.
And so I want you to see this asan opportunity, really anything
that happens in your daughter'ssports that is less than ideal.
We wanna reframe it as like,good.
This is an opportunity for herto practice a skill that, you
(13:51):
know, when she gets out into thereal world, she's probably gonna
encounter in a much more like.
Serious situation like in aworkplace when she doesn't have
a boss that she doesn't, youknow, gel with.
And, you know, there's a lot ofother situations that are gonna
happen outside of her sport thather sport is preparing her for.
So if we're just gonna jump inand try and act like we're gonna
take care of it for her or tryto take care of it for her,
(14:11):
we're probably gonna like that'sgonna backfire.
And also we're robbing her ofthe opportunity to have the
skills to advocate for herself.
So.
It's actually a good thing thatshe's able to do this and know
how to go about something whenthings like aren't really going
her way.
So if we get to a point whereit's like, all right, I hear
you.
You're frustrated with theamount of playing time that
you're getting.
You don't know why you're notplaying.
(14:32):
I think the next best step is toclarify this with your coach.
What do you think about having aconversation with your coach
about this?
Hopefully she'd be open to that.
If she says, no, I don't wantto, then really you're at a
position in a position whereit's like, well, so either you
can deal with it.
Or you can do something aboutit.
I know that might sound harsh,but it's like, you know, either
we can continue talking aboutit, you can continue to vent
(14:54):
about it and I can continue tolisten.
But if you really want to movethe needle and you want
something to change, you do needto have a conversation so that
you have some clarity and evencoaches that say like, you can
talk to me about playing time.
I get that from a parentstandpoint, you know, it needs
to be a conversation from theathlete, but as an athlete, your
athlete does have a right toknow where they stand on the
(15:15):
team, what they can be improvingon, and that's how we can go
about the conversation versusjust saying, how can I get more
playing time?
Or Why am I not playing?
I'm gonna walk you through someways that you can help support
your athlete in asking thatquestion so that she gets some
clarity.
Okay.
And so preparing for thisconversation, so say we come to
a point where it's like, yes, Ido need to have a conversation
with the coach.
What we coach athletes on insideour program.
(15:36):
The elite mental game is we say,well first ask your coach if
they have a couple of minutesbefore or after practice to
chat.
And we always tell athletes, doyour best to like actually plan
this meeting.
Okay.
Don't like, catch'em off guardor things like that so that
there can actually be somededicated time to this.
And so usually I tell athletes,like, just say, Hey coach, I
have a question for you.
(15:57):
Do you have some time afterpractice, like just 10 minutes
of your time?
I would love to ask a questiontomorrow and most coaches will
say yes.
So put that on, you know, it'llget on the calendar and get
scheduled.
Preparing her for theconversation is really
important.
So here's where you can come into help equip her without
speaking for her.
So first I would have her kindof self-reflect like, where do
(16:18):
you think you're doing well asan athlete?
Where do you think you canimprove?
Let's be really honest.
Okay, so that your athlete cansee that there are probably
areas that she can improve aswell.
And then from there just, andthat's just a good exercise in
helping her, like be realisticabout where she's at, where she
needs to improve, kind of, youknow, where she's at as an
(16:38):
athlete.
And then part of thisconversation with the coach.
I love the questions of.
And what is my role on the teamif she doesn't know that?
Okay.
And what playing time associatedwith the role, or you can, I
always tell athletes to leadwith positive intent.
Say something like, coach, Iknow you want the best for the
team and I know you want all ofyour team, or you know, all of
your players to improve and Iwanna be able to do that too.
(17:02):
Can you gimme some feedback onwhere I can be improving as an
athlete?
Or just be honest and say I'mfrustrated.
Or I'm confused or I'm unclear.
Can you help me understand whyI'm not getting any playing
time, why I'm not seeing thecourt and that can, you know,
that's a lot better than justsaying like, why am I not
playing?
Or How can I get more playingtime?
It's more of a like, can youhelp me understand and here's
(17:25):
where I'm coming from.
And also positive intent.
Like I know you want the bestfor the team and I know that
you're making decisions based onwhat you feel like is best for
the team.
I also.
And curious, and can you help meunderstand like all of those
sentence starters are reallygood for athletes to use?
Another one that I really likeis, what can I be doing to
impact the team more?
What can I work on to contributemore and earn more playing time?
(17:49):
Like those are all really goodplaces to go.
Also, you need to prepare yourdaughter to.
Maybe hear news that she doesn'twanna hear.
So I think this is, regardlessof how the conversation turns
out, I think it's good that yourdaughter's advocating for
herself.
I think it's important that shecomes prepared with questions,
write them down.
All of that is good.
'cause sometimes athletes getnervous in all of this and they
(18:10):
forget everything.
So have her come with notes sothat she can actually like
advocate for herself.
She might not hear what shewants to hear.
And not all coaches are good atcommunicating, unfortunately.
And, but also the coach mightsay, well, you know, your role
in the team is a backup and,you're behind these two players
because you need to work on yourball control and your
consistency on your surf.
(18:31):
That's great information foryour daughter.
So whatever information she getsfrom her coach, have her write
it down and have her make surethat she's saying thank you.
Like, thank you for thisfeedback.
Thank you for this information.
And at the end of the day.
This conversation is reallyimportant because your
daughter's advocating forherself.
She's learning about herself,she's learning how to have hard
conversations, and all of thatis really good, regardless of if
(18:54):
the outcome doesn't really goher way.
And we tell athletes like, itmight not like it, you might not
come outta that conversation andbe like, oh, now all of a sudden
I'm a varsity starter and I'mgetting a ton of playing time.
Probably not gonna happen.
But the goal is that you'regetting some clarity onto what's
happening and how you canimprove.
As a side note, anotherperspective to look at this
from, is.
(19:15):
You know, as a coach, like Ihave to look at the entire team,
the entire 12, and how that unitworks together.
As a parent, we often just lookat our kid, right?
We're just looking at like oneperspective and we care and for
good reason, like we care justabout them.
And so I would ask you to expanda little bit just to kind of
consider, like the coach has tosee.
More of a bigger picture thanjust your daughter and just also
(19:38):
consider that and where she fitsin kind of in the dynamics of
the team.
All right.
The other thing I like to sayis.
No, we can't always choose theteams and the coaches and
everything that you're on, butif you do have a choice and you
are like, you know what, maybethis isn't the best environment
for her because she needs to beon a team where she's getting
more touches and more reps, thenyou can make that decision to
move at the end of the season ormove to environment where she's
(20:00):
better suited.
And you can ask those questionsahead of time.
If it is a club team whereyou're making decisions on
coaches, where you know, like,what is the playing time
distribution here?
Like how do we decide that?
How is that determined?
All of that.
And a lot of times in clubs.
You pay for the training.
Same with high school.
You pay for the, well, in highschool we actually don't, but
it's so much cheaper than club.
It's hardly anything.
(20:20):
But the training is really wherethe reps happen.
And I also get the argument thatathletes need game-like reps in
order to improve.
I absolutely, a hundred percentand behind that too, which is
why I look for opportunities forall my players to get reps, but
sometimes the environment is notgood.
So do you want your daughter tobe on a team where she's maybe.
Lower on the roster and beingpushed and practiced by all of
(20:40):
these girls who maybe are alittle bit more talented than
her.
I wouldn't say talented.
Maybe they're just like at adifferent level, or do you want
her to be on a team where maybeher level is a bit more, equal
to the other players and soshe's going to get more playing
time.
So that's up to you also as aparent and a decision that you
need to make with your athleteon what you're going to
prioritize there as well.
So regardless, I would say.
(21:02):
That this conversation is good.
And ask your daughter like, whatdid I learn?
What can I take away from this?
Be proud of her and give herkudos for speaking up and
advocating and having thatconversation and hopefully
gaining some more clarity.
And then if there's more, ifshe's still frustrated after
that, if it's still like, it'sstill not clear, then that's
where I would say maybe as aparent, you can step in and you
(21:22):
can ask for some clarity.
But honestly, I think when itcomes to playing time, overall,
this needs to be a conversationthat's driven by your athlete
and you can support, you canprovide her with the resources.
Inside EMG, we have a wholesection on how to talk to your
coach we have athletes do a fivestep process when they're about
to have a conversation to helpprepare them, but that's really
where the growth is gonnahappen, and that's where she's
(21:43):
gonna feel more confidencebecause she's like, you know
what, even though it's a toughsituation, I can still.
Advocate for myself, even intough situations.
So, okay.
Hopefully that provides a littlebit of clarity, around this
topic.
I know it's tricky.
I know it can be emotional foreverybody involved, but, also
know that this is a goodopportunity for your daughter.
It's a good opportunity for you.
(22:04):
It's also why we wanna make surethat our athletes have a lot of
really good mental trainingstrategies to be able to support
their confidence through this sothat they're not.
Thinking that their self-worthis tied to how much playing time
they are getting.
So, alright, moms, I hope thiswas helpful and I will see you
in the next episode of theRaising Elite Competitors
podcast.
Let's be real.
Playing time can be one of themost frustrating and emotional
parts of the whole.
Sports experience, not just forathletes, but for us as parents.
So that is exactly what I'mdiving into today in this
episode of the Raising EliteCompetitors podcast.
If I haven't met you, I'm CoachBree.
I'm a mental performance coachfor girl athletes, and I'm
(00:20):
really excited that you're here.
Whether you are just gettinggoing on your sports journey
with your daughter, or maybe youhave a ton of seasons under your
belt, this podcast is for you tohelp you know how to raise a
confident.
Mentally strong girl athletethat can navigate the yeps and
the downs of her sport,including conversations around
playing time with her coach.
And I do hear this a lot on ourfree trainings for moms and in
(00:43):
our community around like she'snot happy with the playing time
that she's getting, but.
She doesn't really know what todo about it.
Or you tell your daughter totalk to her coach and she's
like, I don't wanna talk to my,my coach.
Or, it's scary.
Or they say We can't talk aboutplaying time.
So how do we go about that?
So, I'm gonna be talking aboutthis from a couple of different
(01:04):
angles, but you can do as aparent and some really simple
ways that your daughter canadvocate for herself.
When it comes to this issue ofplaying time.
Now, before I do, I wanna give ashout out to a mom in our
community.
She actually posted this withinour private group.
So this mom has an athlete whois going through our program,
the Elite Mental Game.
Now this is our signatureself-paced mental training
(01:26):
program for girl athletes,proven to increase their mental
strength and confidence throughvery short, simple strategies
rooted in sports psychology tohelp her play and perform her
best.
So, mom's name is Emily.
Emily said, my daughter sat downand finished the first lesson of
phase two last night.
After a few weeks of a lot offrustration at practices this
morning, her coach pulls me overafterwards and says, I noticed
(01:49):
something different about hertoday.
She was able to verbalizeexactly what was difficult for
her, enabling me to providetechnical fixes.
Whatever you're doing at home,keep doing it.
I was thrilled to hear this fromher coach and don't think it was
coincidence that my daughter hadjust completed EMG.
12 hours prior, so Awesome.
Emily, I love hearing this.
I'm so glad that you shared itwith us and so happy for your
(02:12):
daughter that she is able toapply what she's learning and
that's exactly what athletes do.
They learn very simplestrategies in not a whole lot of
time.
When I say that mental training.
You get out more than you putin.
I'm serious.
Like athletes don't have tospend a ton of time.
In fact, our program, they watchfive to 15 minute short videos
from me inside their trainingportal.
And then they have a littlemindset thing to apply to their
(02:33):
practice applied to, theircompetition even that day.
So changes are fast.
They're quick, and that's whatwe need right now for our
athletes so that they have somehope and they have real
strategies to use.
So, congratulations.
Keep going.
Now moms and dads that arelistening, if you are interested
in this for your daughter.
Head to our free training.
It's at train her game.com.
(02:54):
So if you go there, you will,learn about our philosophy a
little bit through our freetraining for parents.
You're gonna pick up somestrategies yourself and you'll
learn all about our program, theElite Mental Game, and you get a
little discount for joining onone of those trainings.
So train her game.com is whereyou can go for all of that.
All right, let's get into itaround playing time, whether.
(03:15):
You're dealing with that rightnow, or you're just prepping for
what could come?
I actually really like talkingabout this because I am a
volleyball coach myself.
I've been a head volleyballcoach for the past 14 years.
So I have, um, also seen it fromthe coach perspective, and I'm
gonna talk about it from thatperspective as well, because I
think that's important.
So the first thing that I wantto cover is just know what the
(03:36):
playing time philosophy is onyour daughter's team before you
even like, consider thisconversation.
At all.
So what I think is important andhow I start off my season at the
parent meeting is I talk veryspecifically about how playing
time is earned, how it'sdistributed, and how it varies
from team to team.
So I coach high school and wehave three teams in our program,
(03:58):
C team, JV, and Varsity, and allof them.
Have different levels of playingtime associated with them.
The team that I coach, thevarsity team, I'm very explicit
that there's not equal playingtime, and that's for a variety
of reasons.
One of which being thatpositions don't all have equal
playing time.
So somebody who plays only inthe back row is going to get
half the amount of playing timefrom, for someone who is a six
(04:20):
rotation player or if I havelike a specialist.
So if I have like a blockingspecialist or a serving
specialist.
They're probably gonna go inonly for like one rotation.
And so depending on what herrole is, and that's the second
piece to this, her role mightnot have a lot of playing time
associated with it.
And also it's really good toknow before you get into a team
what the playing time philosophyis.
(04:41):
Now on my JV team, it's a littlemore equal On the C team, it is
almost all equal depending onyou know, aside from like maybe
positional things, we say thatevery athlete will play in every
game on the JV and C team level.
On the C team, it's the most.
Equitable.
If your daughter's playing on arec team, like my daughter's on
a rec team right now, I have heron that team because I expect
it's going, she's gonna getplaying time.
(05:02):
It's not, you know, supercompetitive at this point.
And so I want her in thatenvironment because I want her
to get a lot of reps and I wanther to be in game situations.
And that was clear from when wesigned up for the team too.
You know, and the club talksabout how on a rec team playing
time is, I mean, maybe likeequal is hard'cause like if
you're a black and white personand you like track the actual
(05:23):
minutes, which I hope you don't,but you know, equal ish, I guess
I'll say.
So.
Know what you're getting into iswhat I'm saying?
I guess.
So, know what the philosophy is,know how playing time is
distributed.
What I tell my athletes on thevarsity team, it's very
competitive.
We've won four statechampionships in a row.
Our ultimate goal is to win.
Okay.
I know that that might soundbad, but ultimately I'm judged
(05:44):
based on the performance of myteam and my job as a coach is to
put.
Individuals in the best positionto make the success of the team,
the greatest.
And so that might be six toeight individuals who work the
best together and, you know,provide the best opportunity for
us to win.
And that's my job.
Now, obviously there's anotherside to that because I have 12
girls on my team, and so I wantevery single girl to know that
(06:09):
their role is important and thatthey are valued on the team.
And so I find roles foreverybody on the team.
And I'm very clear about whattheir role is.
And so we even have player rolemeetings at the beginning of the
season, and I talk about whatyour role is, what playing time
is associated with that role.
So I might say, Hey, you are asix rotation outside hitter.
This means that you are going toplay in most games, six
(06:32):
rotations.
You're a go-to, here's what theexpectation is.
Or have some roles where you'rea backup defensive specialist,
meaning there is somebody who isthe main defensive specialist
who will go in.
And if that person cannot playor compete, or we're in certain
games, I say like most of ourleague games will be able to
provide opportunities forplayers.
I will look for allopportunities that I can to get
(06:53):
you in, but your role is abackup, which means that you're
not going to get as much playingtime as the person who is in
that starting position.
Your role, though, still is veryimportant, especially in
practice because you're going tobe getting a lot of reps.
You're challenging our team, andso I talk about.
What it means to be a backupplayer, if that's what their
role is and how they're going tosee playing time, how they can
(07:13):
earn more playing time.
It doesn't mean they will,because ultimately if there's
somebody ahead of them, then.
They might be getting better andthat person ahead of them might
be getting better as well.
So it's just important, I think,overall to know like, what is
the philosophy?
How is playing time distributed?
How is it earned?
Does it ever change?
I tell my athletes, I'm alwayslooking for opportunities to get
you in.
And so.
(07:34):
If not every game, you know atsome point in our league
matches, I will make sure to getyou in and make sure that you
have opportunities to play.
But I can't guarantee that ifyou are in a backup role.
So, regardless of all of that,we provide players with a player
impact plan.
That talks about what theirstrengths are, what they need to
be working towards.
(07:55):
And so athletes are stillfeeling like they're improving
as an athlete.
And I also make it abundantlyclear, and I think this is
really important, that we canemphasize as parents too, that
your worth and who you are andyour value to the team is not
dependent on the amount ofplaying time that you get.
I don't think we canoveremphasize that.
And we talked to.
You know, moms, especially inour trainings and dads and we
(08:15):
really wanna make sure thatathletes know who they are is
not just their sport and notjust their playing time.
And a lot of times that can getwarped and it can feel like, you
know, my only value is myplaying time, and if I'm not
getting any, that means I'm notvaluable.
And so we wanna really make surethat we're reemphasizing that
message that.
No, you are more than just anathlete.
(08:35):
And also your efforts, yourimprovement, your attitude, your
ability to be a good teammate,whatever your role is, we want
to be reinforcing that role athome as well and letting them
know that your role isimportant, even if it's not a
role, that gets a ton of playingtime.
So that's just kind of step one,is know the playing time
philosophy, understand what herrole is, and help her own her
(08:56):
role, and help her understandthat like.
Not all roles get the sameamount of playing time.
If you have experience from thepast from that, like I do as a
college athlete, my role, likehonestly the first two or three
years, in the program was ablocking sub.
Like I actually, I didn't get awhole lot of playing time, those
first few years.
And I always share this storywith my players because I'm
like.
I get it.
You know, I get what it feelslike to maybe not have a role
(09:19):
that gets a lot of playing time,but my coach did a really good
job of explaining what that rolewas, what I could be working on,
how I can be improving.
She had like, you know, she'sjust really good at framing it
as you still are super valuableto this.
Team and you challenge us somuch in practice that actually
what we put out on the court isa product of how hard you work
in practice and how hard theypush you or how hard you push
the team.
And so really, likereemphasizing that message at
(09:41):
home is important.
And I talk about how like Iowned my role as a blocking sub.
Like when I did get minutes, Ijust went in really focused on
what my job was.
I didn't have to have a rolewith a ton of playing time to
still be a good teammate, tostill show up and work hard and
practice to still like, feellike I'm a valuable part of the
team.
And I think that message can bereinforced at home as well.
(10:02):
So know what the playing timephilosophy is.
Know like what is her role?
What's her job on the team?
And then from there, that'swhere we can go.
Now, the problem that I see alot is that.
Maybe the playing timephilosophy is not clear from the
coach or from the team that youjoined.
And so you're like, what theheck?
All of a sudden she's notplaying and I don't know why and
no one has to communicated this.
And also what is her role?
(10:22):
I dunno.
So, we work with a lot ofcoaches as well.
We have a whole, side of ourcompany that is dedicated to
helping coaches, with theirculture and with their mental
game and all of that.
And this is one of the thingsthat we work with coaches on
too, is like, make sure you tellathletes like what their role is
because.
That can be the easiest way toclear things up and make sure
that they know what they're,what they're doing on the team
(10:44):
for you.
So, that's where I see theproblem happens is that, as
parents and as players, theydon't know what the playing
time, expectations are and howplaying time is earned, and they
don't know what their role is.
And so they're just kind of likeexpecting to get playing time
and then.
Don't.
And so talking about it, and soit makes a lot of sense why your
daughter might be frustratedbecause typically those two
things are missing.
(11:04):
And so whenever we kind of enterinto this conversation of she's
frustrated with the amount ofplaying time, I also want you to
check yourself are youfrustrated with the amount of
playing time she's getting or isshe having the issue with it?
And so I only say that becausethat might not even be a thing
for you.
But sometimes what happens is usas parents, we get a little bit,
(11:26):
I wouldn't say too invested, butour egos get wrapped up in it.
And the optics of like, well, ifmy daughter's not playing, what
does that look like for me as aparent?
And I'm just being honest here,like it can hit deep.
So.
I just want you to be honestwith yourself and ask yourself,
is it my daughter who has anissue with the amount of playing
time that she's getting, or isit me?
And if it's your daughter thatis coming to you often and
(11:46):
saying like, I don't know whyI'm not playing, and I'm
frustrated I'm not playing, thenwe can go from there and we can
help her.
Facilitate a conversation withher coach, and one thing that
you can do to make sure youdon't really screw this up from
the beginning is just be a goodlistener when she comes to you
with all of this.
Instead of saying like, well, Idon't know.
Coach doesn't know what they'redoing.
Coach doesn't know what they'retalking about, or You're way
(12:07):
better than that player.
I'm not sure why you're notplaying either.
You are going to very quicklyruin.
The dynamics of the team.
Potentially even worse, ifyou're like, well, it's already
bad, well, you're not gonna behelping it at all.
If you continue to, compare yourdaughter to other players and
badmouth the coach, badmouthother players, there's a couple
things that'll happen here.
First of all, you're gonnadamage her relationship with her
(12:28):
coach, because now how are youexpecting her to go have a
conversation with her coach ifyou just badmouth them?
Okay?
Like, that just doesn't makesense.
You're driving a wedge betweenher and her coach, when that
should be the person that she istrying to have a, you know, an
open.
Communication conversation with.
Same thing with players.
You're now driving wedge betweenplayers and comparing and you
know, you are just like addingto the drama as a parent, and I
(12:49):
see this way too often.
So keep your opinions toyourself when your daughter is
talking to you.
You can talk to your partner,your spouse, whatever, about all
of this thing.
All of this, if you have anopinion about it, but in front
of your daughter, do your bestto be a good listener.
Reflect back what she's saying,try to understand what's going
on, and help her process insteadof.
Diving into the middle and beinga part of the problem.
(13:09):
The other thing is that we wantto make sure that our daughters
feel supported, our athletesfeel supported to be able to
advocate for themselves.
If you just jump in and you'relike, well, I'll fix this, I'll
email and ask, and, you know, alot of coaches have rules about,
like, as a parent, you cannottalk to me about playing time
issues.
And so some of that you not,you're not even like permitted
(13:31):
to do anyways.
But if you do decide like, well,I'm just gonna.
Do this.
You're robbing your daughter ofan opportunity to advocate for
herself and have a reallyproductive conversation.
And so I want you to see this asan opportunity, really anything
that happens in your daughter'ssports that is less than ideal.
We wanna reframe it as like,good.
This is an opportunity for herto practice a skill that, you
(13:51):
know, when she gets out into thereal world, she's probably gonna
encounter in a much more like.
Serious situation like in aworkplace when she doesn't have
a boss that she doesn't, youknow, gel with.
And, you know, there's a lot ofother situations that are gonna
happen outside of her sport thather sport is preparing her for.
So if we're just gonna jump inand try and act like we're gonna
take care of it for her or tryto take care of it for her,
(14:11):
we're probably gonna like that'sgonna backfire.
And also we're robbing her ofthe opportunity to have the
skills to advocate for herself.
So.
It's actually a good thing thatshe's able to do this and know
how to go about something whenthings like aren't really going
her way.
So if we get to a point whereit's like, all right, I hear
you.
You're frustrated with theamount of playing time that
you're getting.
You don't know why you're notplaying.
(14:32):
I think the next best step is toclarify this with your coach.
What do you think about having aconversation with your coach
about this?
Hopefully she'd be open to that.
If she says, no, I don't wantto, then really you're at a
position in a position whereit's like, well, so either you
can deal with it.
Or you can do something aboutit.
I know that might sound harsh,but it's like, you know, either
we can continue talking aboutit, you can continue to vent
(14:54):
about it and I can continue tolisten.
But if you really want to movethe needle and you want
something to change, you do needto have a conversation so that
you have some clarity and evencoaches that say like, you can
talk to me about playing time.
I get that from a parentstandpoint, you know, it needs
to be a conversation from theathlete, but as an athlete, your
athlete does have a right toknow where they stand on the
(15:15):
team, what they can be improvingon, and that's how we can go
about the conversation versusjust saying, how can I get more
playing time?
Or Why am I not playing?
I'm gonna walk you through someways that you can help support
your athlete in asking thatquestion so that she gets some
clarity.
Okay.
And so preparing for thisconversation, so say we come to
a point where it's like, yes, Ido need to have a conversation
with the coach.
What we coach athletes on insideour program.
(15:36):
The elite mental game is we say,well first ask your coach if
they have a couple of minutesbefore or after practice to
chat.
And we always tell athletes, doyour best to like actually plan
this meeting.
Okay.
Don't like, catch'em off guardor things like that so that
there can actually be somededicated time to this.
And so usually I tell athletes,like, just say, Hey coach, I
have a question for you.
(15:57):
Do you have some time afterpractice, like just 10 minutes
of your time?
I would love to ask a questiontomorrow and most coaches will
say yes.
So put that on, you know, it'llget on the calendar and get
scheduled.
Preparing her for theconversation is really
important.
So here's where you can come into help equip her without
speaking for her.
So first I would have her kindof self-reflect like, where do
(16:18):
you think you're doing well asan athlete?
Where do you think you canimprove?
Let's be really honest.
Okay, so that your athlete cansee that there are probably
areas that she can improve aswell.
And then from there just, andthat's just a good exercise in
helping her, like be realisticabout where she's at, where she
needs to improve, kind of, youknow, where she's at as an
(16:38):
athlete.
And then part of thisconversation with the coach.
I love the questions of.
And what is my role on the teamif she doesn't know that?
Okay.
And what playing time associatedwith the role, or you can, I
always tell athletes to leadwith positive intent.
Say something like, coach, Iknow you want the best for the
team and I know you want all ofyour team, or you know, all of
your players to improve and Iwanna be able to do that too.
(17:02):
Can you gimme some feedback onwhere I can be improving as an
athlete?
Or just be honest and say I'mfrustrated.
Or I'm confused or I'm unclear.
Can you help me understand whyI'm not getting any playing
time, why I'm not seeing thecourt and that can, you know,
that's a lot better than justsaying like, why am I not
playing?
Or How can I get more playingtime?
It's more of a like, can youhelp me understand and here's
(17:25):
where I'm coming from.
And also positive intent.
Like I know you want the bestfor the team and I know that
you're making decisions based onwhat you feel like is best for
the team.
I also.
And curious, and can you help meunderstand like all of those
sentence starters are reallygood for athletes to use?
Another one that I really likeis, what can I be doing to
impact the team more?
What can I work on to contributemore and earn more playing time?
(17:49):
Like those are all really goodplaces to go.
Also, you need to prepare yourdaughter to.
Maybe hear news that she doesn'twanna hear.
So I think this is, regardlessof how the conversation turns
out, I think it's good that yourdaughter's advocating for
herself.
I think it's important that shecomes prepared with questions,
write them down.
All of that is good.
'cause sometimes athletes getnervous in all of this and they
(18:10):
forget everything.
So have her come with notes sothat she can actually like
advocate for herself.
She might not hear what shewants to hear.
And not all coaches are good atcommunicating, unfortunately.
And, but also the coach mightsay, well, you know, your role
in the team is a backup and,you're behind these two players
because you need to work on yourball control and your
consistency on your surf.
(18:31):
That's great information foryour daughter.
So whatever information she getsfrom her coach, have her write
it down and have her make surethat she's saying thank you.
Like, thank you for thisfeedback.
Thank you for this information.
And at the end of the day.
This conversation is reallyimportant because your
daughter's advocating forherself.
She's learning about herself,she's learning how to have hard
conversations, and all of thatis really good, regardless of if
(18:54):
the outcome doesn't really goher way.
And we tell athletes like, itmight not like it, you might not
come outta that conversation andbe like, oh, now all of a sudden
I'm a varsity starter and I'mgetting a ton of playing time.
Probably not gonna happen.
But the goal is that you'regetting some clarity onto what's
happening and how you canimprove.
As a side note, anotherperspective to look at this
from, is.
(19:15):
You know, as a coach, like Ihave to look at the entire team,
the entire 12, and how that unitworks together.
As a parent, we often just lookat our kid, right?
We're just looking at like oneperspective and we care and for
good reason, like we care justabout them.
And so I would ask you to expanda little bit just to kind of
consider, like the coach has tosee.
More of a bigger picture thanjust your daughter and just also
(19:38):
consider that and where she fitsin kind of in the dynamics of
the team.
All right.
The other thing I like to sayis.
No, we can't always choose theteams and the coaches and
everything that you're on, butif you do have a choice and you
are like, you know what, maybethis isn't the best environment
for her because she needs to beon a team where she's getting
more touches and more reps, thenyou can make that decision to
move at the end of the season ormove to environment where she's
(20:00):
better suited.
And you can ask those questionsahead of time.
If it is a club team whereyou're making decisions on
coaches, where you know, like,what is the playing time
distribution here?
Like how do we decide that?
How is that determined?
All of that.
And a lot of times in clubs.
You pay for the training.
Same with high school.
You pay for the, well, in highschool we actually don't, but
it's so much cheaper than club.
It's hardly anything.
(20:20):
But the training is really wherethe reps happen.
And I also get the argument thatathletes need game-like reps in
order to improve.
I absolutely, a hundred percentand behind that too, which is
why I look for opportunities forall my players to get reps, but
sometimes the environment is notgood.
So do you want your daughter tobe on a team where she's maybe.
Lower on the roster and beingpushed and practiced by all of
(20:40):
these girls who maybe are alittle bit more talented than
her.
I wouldn't say talented.
Maybe they're just like at adifferent level, or do you want
her to be on a team where maybeher level is a bit more, equal
to the other players and soshe's going to get more playing
time.
So that's up to you also as aparent and a decision that you
need to make with your athleteon what you're going to
prioritize there as well.
So regardless, I would say.
(21:02):
That this conversation is good.
And ask your daughter like, whatdid I learn?
What can I take away from this?
Be proud of her and give herkudos for speaking up and
advocating and having thatconversation and hopefully
gaining some more clarity.
And then if there's more, ifshe's still frustrated after
that, if it's still like, it'sstill not clear, then that's
where I would say maybe as aparent, you can step in and you
(21:22):
can ask for some clarity.
But honestly, I think when itcomes to playing time, overall,
this needs to be a conversationthat's driven by your athlete
and you can support, you canprovide her with the resources.
Inside EMG, we have a wholesection on how to talk to your
coach we have athletes do a fivestep process when they're about
to have a conversation to helpprepare them, but that's really
where the growth is gonnahappen, and that's where she's
(21:43):
gonna feel more confidencebecause she's like, you know
what, even though it's a toughsituation, I can still.
Advocate for myself, even intough situations.
So, okay.
Hopefully that provides a littlebit of clarity, around this
topic.
I know it's tricky.
I know it can be emotional foreverybody involved, but, also
know that this is a goodopportunity for your daughter.
It's a good opportunity for you.
(22:04):
It's also why we wanna make surethat our athletes have a lot of
really good mental trainingstrategies to be able to support
their confidence through this sothat they're not.
Thinking that their self-worthis tied to how much playing time
they are getting.
So, alright, moms, I hope thiswas helpful and I will see you
in the next episode of theRaising Elite Competitors
podcast.
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