July 1, 2025 • 16 mins
You’re standing on the sidelines, watching your daughter trudge off the field after a tough loss or a rough game. Her body language screams frustration, and your stomach knots up. Here comes that awful car ride home. You want to help, but every attempt seems to make things worse.
Sound familiar?
In this episode, I’m sharing my LOVE Framework: the exact system I teach parents in our Elite Mental Game program. These four simple steps will transform those tense post-game moments from stressful to supportive.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
🔥 Why your usual pep talks might be backfiring (and what to do instead).
🍦 The unexpected power of post-game rituals (hint: it’s not about the ice cream...but that helps).
💬 My go-to scripts: Exactly what to say when she’s angry, disappointed, or beating herself up.
🚫 The 3 phrases I tell parents to avoid at all costs (you’re probably using at least one).
🔄 How I help athletes turn “I suck” into “I’ll improve” (without fake positivity).
Free Resource: Grab my 25 Confidence-Building Phrases cheat sheet at trainhergame.com so you’ll never be stuck searching for words again.
Press play now! Your daughter (and your future car rides) will thank you.
Episode Highlights:
[00:00:00] The Tough Post-Game Dilemma. Introduction to the common struggle parents face when their daughter has a difficult game - the tension between saying nothing (risking seeming uncaring) and saying the wrong thing (causing shutdowns).
[00:00:31] Introducing the LOVE Framework. The 4-step LOVE Framework used in the Elite Mental Game program to handle post-game conversations effectively.
[00:01:24] Real Mom Success Stories. Three moms (Nicole, Shelly, and Andrea) share how using the LOVE Framework transformed their post-game car rides from tense to productive.
[00:02:41] The Two-Piece Confidence Puzzle. Explanation of how confidence stems from both: 1) Parental interactions, and 2) The athlete’s own mental processing skills.
[00:04:46] L - Let Her Lead. Why giving space post-game matters more than immediate feedback, with Dr. Becky Kennedy’s “emotional bench” analogy about sitting with discomfort.
[00:08:51] O - Open the Space. How creating predictable rituals (like post-game snacks) builds psychological safety for natural conversation.
[00:10:27] V - Validate the Emotion. The mirror technique: Reflecting emotions without agreeing with harsh self-criticism (“I believe you feel that way” vs. “You’re right, you played terribly”).
[00:13:58] E - Encourage Inward Reflection. Powerful questions to ask later (“What’s one thing you’re proud of?” “What would you tell a teammate feeling this way?”) that strengthen self-assessment skills.
[00:15:32] Special Case: Coach-Parents. The scrunchie method: Letting athletes physically signal whether they want “coach” or “mom” feedback in post-game conversations.
[00:16:25] Free Resource Alert. 25 Key Phrases PDF available at trainhergame.com to help parents navigate pre- and post-game conversations.
[00:16:56] Framework Recap. Quick review of LOVE: Let Her Lead, Open the Space, Validate Emotion, Encourage Inward reflection.
Next Steps:
- Join our FREE Training for Sports Moms - How to Strengthen Your Athlete Daughter's Mental Game so She Believes in Herself as Much as You Do
- Visit our podcast website for more great episodes
Thank you in advance for joining us on our mission and leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
If you have ever been in thissituation where you are watching
your daughter walk off the fieldor the court and you know, it's
been a tough one.
She either has been through it,it was a loss, or she didn't
play well, and you can just tellthat car ride home is going to
be rough.
And sometimes as a parent we'relike.
What do I say to her?
Because it seems like if I don'tsay anything, then I don't care.
(00:22):
But then if I do start talking,I'm always saying the wrong
things and then she's shuttingdown.
If you've ever been in thissituation, well join the club,
but this is also what I'm gonnabe talking about in today's
episode.
I'm actually gonna be leadingyou through our love framework.
This is the framework that weteach parents inside our
program, the elite mental gameon how to handle.
The post game, including somethings that you can say and
(00:44):
things that you shoulddefinitely avoid saying in that
fragile post game time.
So stick with me.
We're gonna be covering it allin today's episode.
And if I haven't met you, I'mCoach Bre.
I am the host of the RacingElite Competitors podcast and
the co-creator of the EliteMental Game.
If you're here, it means thatyou likely have a girl athlete
who is playing a sport, andwhether you are just getting
(01:06):
going or you have a lot of.
Seasons under your belt.
This podcast is for you to helpyou know how to raise a
confident and mentally stronggirl athlete.
And part of that is riding thehighs and the lows of the whole
sport experience.
And as I mentioned, thatpost-game time can be a doozy.
So we're going to cover all ofit.
Now.
Before I get into it, I do wannagive a shout out to.
(01:26):
Some moms in our community.
We actually were just chattingabout this inside our, private
community for parents ofathletes who are going through
the elite mental game.
We were talking about the postgame car ride home, and we were
like, Hey.
I asked the moms like, how isthe car ride going lately using
the love framework?
And I had three moms respond,well, actually I have more than
that, but three that I want tohighlight.
(01:47):
One of them is Nicole.
She said they're going.
So much better.
Our rides home after dinner orat dinner would often become a
heated conversation.
I'm so thankful for new ways toallow her to lead the
conversation and come up withideas in her own time.
Shelly said this.
She goes, they've been going somuch better.
I've stopped giving so muchfeedback and trying to let her
lead.
We're gonna be talking aboutthat.
Sometimes I have to catchmyself, but then I stop and ask
(02:09):
her if she wants to talk aboutit.
Now, if she doesn't.
We move on.
And then Andrea said our carrides home have been a lot
better.
She hasn't shut down after amistake or a loss anymore.
She's willing to discuss howshe's feeling when we let her
lead and then we validate herfeelings.
Okay, so we're gonna be coveringexactly what led to the comments
from these moms, and when wetalk about.
(02:30):
Kind of this whole issue.
I wouldn't say issue, but thiswhole topic of what to say, what
not to say confidence in ourgirl athletes, there's really
two parts of it.
It's two, two pieces of a puzzleI want you to imagine.
One piece of it is you okay?
How you interact with yourathlete after a game, what you
say, what you don't say canabsolutely impact her
confidence.
And I know that you've been herebecause you've said things that
(02:53):
obviously weren't right.
Things to say because she shutdowns.
Roll her eyes.
She's like, mom, you don't getit.
Okay.
Or you have to say that you'remy mom.
Things like that.
But then another big piece of itis her and her mental game and
her ability to process what wenton out there and do it in a way
that's not going to attachherself worth to every single
loss or every single bad gamethat she has.
(03:15):
And if she does, we see athleteswho come into the program, and
that's kind of where they start.
They're.
On this rollercoaster becausethey've attached so much of how
they feel about themselves totheir performance.
And that's not to say thatathletes shouldn't care about
their performance.
Right?
Those of us that were athletesare like, yeah, we care.
Okay?
But the thing is, when athletesare, connecting this, if I
didn't play well then I don'tdeserve to feel good about
(03:36):
myself, you know, for days andweeks on end.
Or they're constantly beatingthemselves up like that actually
is what we don't want becausethat leads to some really.
Tough, self-confidence issues.
So there's two pieces of thepuzzle today in this episode.
We're talking a lot about yourpiece of it, but I just from
experience and working withthousands of athletes know that
like your piece in combinationwith hers, when she is working
(03:58):
on her mental game as well, shehas a way to come back from
mistakes faster in a game.
When she knows how to processher performance without like,
tearing herself down, that makesa huge difference too.
So, if you wanna know thoseskills on how to teach those
skills to your daughter, notjust teach, but you know, the
key skills that your daughtershould be using in her sport to
make sure that her mental gameis locked in.
(04:19):
We cover that in our freetraining for sports moms.
So, if you were to train hergame.com, you can register for
that free training.
We go over, like I said, the keyskills that she needs in order
to be mentally strong.
So that there's really the twopieces of the puzzle are working
together.
Okay, let's get into it.
I talked a little bit about thelove framework at the beginning
of this episode, and we're gonnacover that.
We make it super simple tohopefully remember this acronym
(04:41):
of love, LOVE, when you arethinking about post-game, so
this is where we start the L.
The L in the Love frameworkstands for Let Her Lead.
Okay.
And what does this mean?
It can be the hardest,especially those of us that want
to jump in, which is all of us,right?
We're parents, we're moms.
We wanna fix things.
(05:01):
When we see her feeling bad,we're like, we wanna make it
better, but let her lead meansgive it a pause.
Don't rush in and, you know,critique the game right away.
Give her some space to feelprocess.
You could, I mean, I'm notsaying you don't talk to her.
You could say things like, Hey,I'm here to talk.
If you don't want to right now,that's fine, but let her lead,
like you are kind of followingher lead when it comes to this.
(05:24):
And you might have some emotionspost game as well.
Like maybe you are like a coachor you played the game, in the
past and you're like.
I feel like I wanna tell her,like if only she were to keep
her elbow up higher, or if onlyshe were to like run this play
like it would've been so muchbetter.
You've gotta hold back some ofthose things because you've
already probably found that whenyou just like word vomit on her,
(05:46):
all of the things that she couldhave done differently or why did
she do that?
Or why did coach do this andthat.
It's like she shuts down, shejust wants some space and.
And we've had, like I said,we've had thousands of athletes
come through our program, theelite mental game, and they
comment inside their trainingportal, on this particular
topic.
And there's a whole sectioninside our program where
(06:07):
athletes actually explore whatthey want and what they need
from their parents pre, during,and post-game.
And then there's a littleactivity where they actually
like.
Speak to their parents aboutthis.
And then on the other end of it,on the parent side of our
program, we tell parents like,this is coming, here's how you
need to respond.
You know, so that it's a good,productive conversation.
And I read through some of thosecomments in the portal and time
after time.
Athletes are saying things likethis.
Post game.
(06:28):
It really like shuts me downwhen my mom or my dad starts
critiquing every single thingthat I do.
I hear athletes all the timemaking comments that are like,
post game.
I just need some space.
I do want to talk about it, butjust not right then.
And when my parents jump inright away, I hate it.
Okay.
And so let's give them a littlebit of space.
Let's let them lead.
(06:48):
Like I said, I know it's hardbecause if they're hurting or if
they're having a hard time, likeyour presence actually speaks
more than anything.
More than any words, specialwords you could say or like
thing you can do, your presenceis key.
Dr.
Becky Kennedy, I love herresearch and her work in the
parenting world, and the waythat she describes it is that.
Imagine that your daughter, orson, if you're listening to this
(07:09):
and you have a son this totallyapplies, is inside like, a
garden.
Okay?
So we kind of set the stage inthe garden, and in the garden
there's all these benchesaround, there's the sadness
bench, there's the confusedbench, there's the embarrassed
bench, there's the joyful bench.
There's all the emotions andthings that she could be
experiencing.
And when your daughter sits onthe bench, maybe the bench of
disappointment after a game.
(07:29):
She just needs you to sit onthat bench with her.
And so imagining that you arejust like sitting with her on
this disappointed bench, you'renot saying anything, you're not
trying to get her up off thebench, right?
Then you are just sitting withher in that disappointment.
And your presence is moreimportant than any script.
Actually, Dr.
Becky Kennedy says, when werespond to our children's pain
with presence, instead ofpressure, we build trust and
(07:51):
resilience.
And so you're actually doingmore than you think you are just
by being present while she isexperiencing whatever emotion
she is.
After a game.
So that is the L of let herlead.
Just give her a little space.
It's probably, I mean, this isliterally like don't do
anything, but it's harder thanit sounds.
Okay.
O.
Is open the space.
Okay.
What this means is create apredictable, safe space after
(08:13):
games so that you're not justrelying on words.
We have rituals.
Okay.
Now if your daughter's a littlebit older, maybe she's driving
herself after a game and nowyou're like a little bit
disconnected.
But, if she's not, then Irecommend that you have just
some sort of ritual that youcreate with your daughter
post-game.
And maybe it is like, we're justgoing to go get something to
eat.
We're gonna go to Starbucks,we're gonna go, get ice cream.
We win or lose play well, didn'tplay well.
(08:34):
Okay.
That like this is a predictableroutine.
That your athlete can count on.
And that is her safe space for,I remember even high school, we
used to always go to this placecalled Burgerville.
If you're from the Northwest,you've heard of it.
And I used to get a, mocha perkmilkshake with my parents after
every game, pretty much.
And we're not talking healthyhere, that's beside the point.
(08:54):
But it was just this thing thatlike, it was almost comforting.
It's like I can just.
Be myself.
I can count on that.
Like if I wanna talk about thegame, I can.
But I actually like look backon, those memories with a lot of
fondness because it's like, wasjust our space after a game.
And you'll find, parents, you'regonna nod along with this as I
say it, but your daughter'sgonna open up a lot more if
you're like.
In the car, you know, you'reboth looking forward, side by
(09:16):
side.
You're not like forced you inconversation.
She's got some food in herstomach and now all of a sudden
she's talking about some stuff.
Like if you open the space forher, it's almost like you're
setting the table and you'reinviting her to partake.
Okay.
And so it's just this likepredictable.
Hey, where do you wanna go eat?
You know, that's just openingthe space so that she feels
comfortable and that you have apredictable routine that you are
(09:37):
doing together and it lowers thestress, right?
It increases the psychologicalsafety that your daughter can be
experiencing, especially afterlike these big, emotional events
that can be happening.
Okay.
Alright.
V stands for validate theEmotion, and I know that.
There's a lot in the parentingworld that's like a lot about
validation.
It's kind of having like amoment right now, but it doesn't
have to be as like.
(09:58):
I don't know what the word is,like just permitting everything
that your daughter is sayingmaybe negatively about herself.
I think that's where we get alittle nervous is that we're
like, I don't wanna like makeher seem like I'm agreeing with
her because sometimes she reallyis beating herself up.
So how this validation, how Ilike to imagine it is like
you're holding up a mirror,you're reflecting back to her
and this actually goes win orlose, right?
Like if your daughter isexperiencing like a massive win,
(10:21):
a pr, like really excitingthings like.
Then this mirror analogy worksthere too, because you're
mirroring back like you are soproud of yourself right now.
Or I can tell you're reallyexcited about that.
You've worked hard for it.
You're just mirroring back heremotion.
And so even just saying like,you're feeling disappointed
right now, that makes a lot ofsense.
Okay.
We don't wanna say things like,it's not a big deal, it's just a
game.
Come on.
Like you'll do better next time.
(10:42):
Or Remember all the good thingsyou did.
Like this is our tendencies totry and get her to positive
right away.
But confidence actually isn'tlike.
Feeling good all the time orbeing positive all the time.
Confidence is trusting yourself.
Dr.
Becky Kennedy again, coined thatdefinition of confidence is
confidence is self-trust.
And so when your daughter isfeeling like disappointed,
angry, sad, upset, like.
That's all her actually, youknow, responding appropriately
(11:05):
to what happened.
And instilling confidence in heris actually just telling and
naming like what she's feeling.
She might not have thevocabulary yet, to name what
that emotion is, but just sayinglike, Hey, I believe you, you
really know you feel that way isconfidence building.
Now if she's really saying,she's kind of going off the
tracks and being like, I am theworst person.
I should, I don't deserve to beon this team and you know, blah,
(11:26):
blah blah.
just these self-deprecatingthings like.
You don't have to agree withthat.
The thing I love to say is Ithink from Dr.
Lisa Damore she said, you and Iboth know that's not true.
Okay.
So it's kind of pointing outlike it's not true, but it would
be really hard to feel that way.
So it's like kind of adding somedistance between what she's
saying, but it's alsorecognizing that like yeah,
you're feeling behind that isvery true.
(11:47):
What you're actually sayingisn't true.
You're not the worst person onthe team.
You are there for a reason.
You know all of that, but thefeeling behind it is true.
So, mirroring back, I also liketo give the analogy of being a
reporter.
So you're hearing her talk andthis is assuming that she is
talking to you.
So maybe you do say somethinglike, Hey, do you wanna talk
about the game?
Or, I'm noticing you're littlebit disappointed.
Do you wanna chat?
I'm here if you need it.
Things like that.
(12:08):
So maybe she is sharing a littlebit and we don't wanna ruin that
moment by shutting her down andbeing like, remember all the
good things, or don't be sonegative like.
Just, saying things like, tellme more, or, just allowing her
to process really helps herprocess.
Okay.
But the reporter analogy is likeshe's sharing with you and
you're just repeating back whatyou're hearing.
Almost putting like a headlineon it, right?
(12:28):
Like, ah, you missed a serve ongame point and that wasn't what
you wanted to have happen.
Okay.
Is that accurate?
And then just like, kind ofthrow it back to her and that
allows her just that processing.
You'll notice that she's gonnabe actually moving through those
emotions a lot faster.
And we're not trying to shutdown the emotion.
It's like, yep, you'reexperiencing it, you know?
Yeah.
We're gonna sit in it for alittle bit.
I'll help you process it, andthen we're gonna get over it.
(12:49):
Okay.
And we're gonna move on.
And the getting over it is the Eof the LOVE.
So to kind of recap so far, Llet her lead O open the space V,
validate the emotion.
E as in encourage inward.
So once her emotions kind ofsettle, and this could be.
As far as the timeframe goes,this could be within like, you
know, a few hours span that thisis all happening, but it also
could be within 12 hours or 24hours, that this maybe is
(13:11):
happening.
So maybe the e happens later.
Those of you that have teens andpre-teens, like you'll notice
that maybe they wanna talk andit's like 11 o'clock at night
and you're like, oh my gosh, Iwanna go to bed, but here you
are, ready to talk, so we'regonna do it.
Okay.
So encourage inward just allowsour athletes to reflect.
It's kind of like.
Putting it back on them in areally, a really good like,
gentle, growth-minded way thatstrengthens their inner coach.
(13:34):
So it's less of us giving herthe answers and more of us
helping her find the answers.
So things like, what is onething that you're proud of that
you did even though it was atough game?
Okay, what do you wanna trydifferently next time?
If a teammate felt how you werefeeling, like maybe she has a
great teammate on her team, whatwould you tell her?
Things like that that help kindof reflect back.
If you have an athlete that'slike, well, I wanna hear what
you thought of it.
What did you think?
(13:54):
I always love the phrase like,I'll tell you what I think, but
I wanna hear first from you,what are three things that you
felt went well and one thing youwanna improve on.
So it's kind of like.
Yeah, I'll give you myperspective, but first, what was
your analysis of this?
Okay.
If you are the coach of yourdaughter's team, I'll make a
side note about this.
We've got some episodes aboutthis, but a really great like
just kind of activity that youcan do with your daughter if you
(14:16):
are her coach, because it istough, like she sees.
Coach, or she sees mom, but shehears coach, which could be kind
of like critiquing, I will say,like post-game in that car, ride
home.
Let her choose if she wants youto be coach or mom.
And I've even had some athletesin the program like put on a
scrunchie, like on their wrist.
Like a hair tie and thatsignifies like, fits on.
(14:36):
I want you to be coach.
If I take it off, I want you tobe mom and talk about this ahead
of time.
You know, like, here's what momsounds like post-game, here's
what coach sounds like,postgame.
And that's very different.
You could also do that forpre-game, during game.
You know, there's a lot of otherscenarios that you could be in
where what you would say as amom is very different than what
you'd say as a coach and makingthose boundaries clear,
especially post-game, is really,really important.
So the whole part of.
(14:57):
E encourage inward is just tostrengthen her inner coach, and
less of you just providing allof the answers.
Now we do have a whole like PDFof 25 key phrases that you can
say before a game and after agame to help build her
confidence.
We actually give that to you forfree for coming live to that
training that I was talkingabout at the beginning of this
episode.
So if you go to train hergame.com, that's where you can
learn the key mental skills thatyour daughter needs to be
(15:19):
mentally strong.
Some things you can be doing tostrengthen her mental game, but
also when you show up live, wegive you that 25 key phrases, p,
d, f for free.
It's kinda like a cheat sheetthat you can bring with you, to
your game.
You can literally be like, allright, here she is, she's coming
to the car.
Okay, here are the things I cansay.
So it's a really great, resourceto have.
So that's that.
Train her game.
Dot com.
All right, wrapping up here,mamas, I hope this is a kind of
a helpful framework to help,guide that post-game
(15:41):
conversation.
I'll let her lead, oh, open thespace.
It's gonna be great if you canjust create some rituals and
routines with your athlete toopen up the space for her,
invite her to, you know,partake, if you will, v validate
the emotion and e encourageinward, asking those really good
questions that encouragereflection for her so that she's
shining that lens.
Inward rather than outwardtrying to get validation from
(16:02):
everybody else.
Okay, so that is what I have foryou moms.
Remember, train her game.com iswhere you can go for that free
training to learn more skillslike this.
Get that 25 key phrases, and Iwill see you in the next episode
of the Raising Elite Competitorspodcast.
If you have ever been in thissituation where you are watching
your daughter walk off the fieldor the court and you know, it's
been a tough one.
She either has been through it,it was a loss, or she didn't
play well, and you can just tellthat car ride home is going to
be rough.
And sometimes as a parent we'relike.
What do I say to her?
Because it seems like if I don'tsay anything, then I don't care.
(00:22):
But then if I do start talking,I'm always saying the wrong
things and then she's shuttingdown.
If you've ever been in thissituation, well join the club,
but this is also what I'm gonnabe talking about in today's
episode.
I'm actually gonna be leadingyou through our love framework.
This is the framework that weteach parents inside our
program, the elite mental gameon how to handle.
The post game, including somethings that you can say and
(00:44):
things that you shoulddefinitely avoid saying in that
fragile post game time.
So stick with me.
We're gonna be covering it allin today's episode.
And if I haven't met you, I'mCoach Bre.
I am the host of the RacingElite Competitors podcast and
the co-creator of the EliteMental Game.
If you're here, it means thatyou likely have a girl athlete
who is playing a sport, andwhether you are just getting
(01:06):
going or you have a lot of.
Seasons under your belt.
This podcast is for you to helpyou know how to raise a
confident and mentally stronggirl athlete.
And part of that is riding thehighs and the lows of the whole
sport experience.
And as I mentioned, thatpost-game time can be a doozy.
So we're going to cover all ofit.
Now.
Before I get into it, I do wannagive a shout out to.
(01:26):
Some moms in our community.
We actually were just chattingabout this inside our, private
community for parents ofathletes who are going through
the elite mental game.
We were talking about the postgame car ride home, and we were
like, Hey.
I asked the moms like, how isthe car ride going lately using
the love framework?
And I had three moms respond,well, actually I have more than
that, but three that I want tohighlight.
(01:47):
One of them is Nicole.
She said they're going.
So much better.
Our rides home after dinner orat dinner would often become a
heated conversation.
I'm so thankful for new ways toallow her to lead the
conversation and come up withideas in her own time.
Shelly said this.
She goes, they've been going somuch better.
I've stopped giving so muchfeedback and trying to let her
lead.
We're gonna be talking aboutthat.
Sometimes I have to catchmyself, but then I stop and ask
(02:09):
her if she wants to talk aboutit.
Now, if she doesn't.
We move on.
And then Andrea said our carrides home have been a lot
better.
She hasn't shut down after amistake or a loss anymore.
She's willing to discuss howshe's feeling when we let her
lead and then we validate herfeelings.
Okay, so we're gonna be coveringexactly what led to the comments
from these moms, and when wetalk about.
(02:30):
Kind of this whole issue.
I wouldn't say issue, but thiswhole topic of what to say, what
not to say confidence in ourgirl athletes, there's really
two parts of it.
It's two, two pieces of a puzzleI want you to imagine.
One piece of it is you okay?
How you interact with yourathlete after a game, what you
say, what you don't say canabsolutely impact her
confidence.
And I know that you've been herebecause you've said things that
(02:53):
obviously weren't right.
Things to say because she shutdowns.
Roll her eyes.
She's like, mom, you don't getit.
Okay.
Or you have to say that you'remy mom.
Things like that.
But then another big piece of itis her and her mental game and
her ability to process what wenton out there and do it in a way
that's not going to attachherself worth to every single
loss or every single bad gamethat she has.
(03:15):
And if she does, we see athleteswho come into the program, and
that's kind of where they start.
They're.
On this rollercoaster becausethey've attached so much of how
they feel about themselves totheir performance.
And that's not to say thatathletes shouldn't care about
their performance.
Right?
Those of us that were athletesare like, yeah, we care.
Okay?
But the thing is, when athletesare, connecting this, if I
didn't play well then I don'tdeserve to feel good about
(03:36):
myself, you know, for days andweeks on end.
Or they're constantly beatingthemselves up like that actually
is what we don't want becausethat leads to some really.
Tough, self-confidence issues.
So there's two pieces of thepuzzle today in this episode.
We're talking a lot about yourpiece of it, but I just from
experience and working withthousands of athletes know that
like your piece in combinationwith hers, when she is working
(03:58):
on her mental game as well, shehas a way to come back from
mistakes faster in a game.
When she knows how to processher performance without like,
tearing herself down, that makesa huge difference too.
So, if you wanna know thoseskills on how to teach those
skills to your daughter, notjust teach, but you know, the
key skills that your daughtershould be using in her sport to
make sure that her mental gameis locked in.
(04:19):
We cover that in our freetraining for sports moms.
So, if you were to train hergame.com, you can register for
that free training.
We go over, like I said, the keyskills that she needs in order
to be mentally strong.
So that there's really the twopieces of the puzzle are working
together.
Okay, let's get into it.
I talked a little bit about thelove framework at the beginning
of this episode, and we're gonnacover that.
We make it super simple tohopefully remember this acronym
(04:41):
of love, LOVE, when you arethinking about post-game, so
this is where we start the L.
The L in the Love frameworkstands for Let Her Lead.
Okay.
And what does this mean?
It can be the hardest,especially those of us that want
to jump in, which is all of us,right?
We're parents, we're moms.
We wanna fix things.
(05:01):
When we see her feeling bad,we're like, we wanna make it
better, but let her lead meansgive it a pause.
Don't rush in and, you know,critique the game right away.
Give her some space to feelprocess.
You could, I mean, I'm notsaying you don't talk to her.
You could say things like, Hey,I'm here to talk.
If you don't want to right now,that's fine, but let her lead,
like you are kind of followingher lead when it comes to this.
(05:24):
And you might have some emotionspost game as well.
Like maybe you are like a coachor you played the game, in the
past and you're like.
I feel like I wanna tell her,like if only she were to keep
her elbow up higher, or if onlyshe were to like run this play
like it would've been so muchbetter.
You've gotta hold back some ofthose things because you've
already probably found that whenyou just like word vomit on her,
(05:46):
all of the things that she couldhave done differently or why did
she do that?
Or why did coach do this andthat.
It's like she shuts down, shejust wants some space and.
And we've had, like I said,we've had thousands of athletes
come through our program, theelite mental game, and they
comment inside their trainingportal, on this particular
topic.
And there's a whole sectioninside our program where
(06:07):
athletes actually explore whatthey want and what they need
from their parents pre, during,and post-game.
And then there's a littleactivity where they actually
like.
Speak to their parents aboutthis.
And then on the other end of it,on the parent side of our
program, we tell parents like,this is coming, here's how you
need to respond.
You know, so that it's a good,productive conversation.
And I read through some of thosecomments in the portal and time
after time.
Athletes are saying things likethis.
Post game.
(06:28):
It really like shuts me downwhen my mom or my dad starts
critiquing every single thingthat I do.
I hear athletes all the timemaking comments that are like,
post game.
I just need some space.
I do want to talk about it, butjust not right then.
And when my parents jump inright away, I hate it.
Okay.
And so let's give them a littlebit of space.
Let's let them lead.
(06:48):
Like I said, I know it's hardbecause if they're hurting or if
they're having a hard time, likeyour presence actually speaks
more than anything.
More than any words, specialwords you could say or like
thing you can do, your presenceis key.
Dr.
Becky Kennedy, I love herresearch and her work in the
parenting world, and the waythat she describes it is that.
Imagine that your daughter, orson, if you're listening to this
(07:09):
and you have a son this totallyapplies, is inside like, a
garden.
Okay?
So we kind of set the stage inthe garden, and in the garden
there's all these benchesaround, there's the sadness
bench, there's the confusedbench, there's the embarrassed
bench, there's the joyful bench.
There's all the emotions andthings that she could be
experiencing.
And when your daughter sits onthe bench, maybe the bench of
disappointment after a game.
(07:29):
She just needs you to sit onthat bench with her.
And so imagining that you arejust like sitting with her on
this disappointed bench, you'renot saying anything, you're not
trying to get her up off thebench, right?
Then you are just sitting withher in that disappointment.
And your presence is moreimportant than any script.
Actually, Dr.
Becky Kennedy says, when werespond to our children's pain
with presence, instead ofpressure, we build trust and
(07:51):
resilience.
And so you're actually doingmore than you think you are just
by being present while she isexperiencing whatever emotion
she is.
After a game.
So that is the L of let herlead.
Just give her a little space.
It's probably, I mean, this isliterally like don't do
anything, but it's harder thanit sounds.
Okay.
O.
Is open the space.
Okay.
What this means is create apredictable, safe space after
(08:13):
games so that you're not justrelying on words.
We have rituals.
Okay.
Now if your daughter's a littlebit older, maybe she's driving
herself after a game and nowyou're like a little bit
disconnected.
But, if she's not, then Irecommend that you have just
some sort of ritual that youcreate with your daughter
post-game.
And maybe it is like, we're justgoing to go get something to
eat.
We're gonna go to Starbucks,we're gonna go, get ice cream.
We win or lose play well, didn'tplay well.
(08:34):
Okay.
That like this is a predictableroutine.
That your athlete can count on.
And that is her safe space for,I remember even high school, we
used to always go to this placecalled Burgerville.
If you're from the Northwest,you've heard of it.
And I used to get a, mocha perkmilkshake with my parents after
every game, pretty much.
And we're not talking healthyhere, that's beside the point.
(08:54):
But it was just this thing thatlike, it was almost comforting.
It's like I can just.
Be myself.
I can count on that.
Like if I wanna talk about thegame, I can.
But I actually like look backon, those memories with a lot of
fondness because it's like, wasjust our space after a game.
And you'll find, parents, you'regonna nod along with this as I
say it, but your daughter'sgonna open up a lot more if
you're like.
In the car, you know, you'reboth looking forward, side by
(09:16):
side.
You're not like forced you inconversation.
She's got some food in herstomach and now all of a sudden
she's talking about some stuff.
Like if you open the space forher, it's almost like you're
setting the table and you'reinviting her to partake.
Okay.
And so it's just this likepredictable.
Hey, where do you wanna go eat?
You know, that's just openingthe space so that she feels
comfortable and that you have apredictable routine that you are
(09:37):
doing together and it lowers thestress, right?
It increases the psychologicalsafety that your daughter can be
experiencing, especially afterlike these big, emotional events
that can be happening.
Okay.
Alright.
V stands for validate theEmotion, and I know that.
There's a lot in the parentingworld that's like a lot about
validation.
It's kind of having like amoment right now, but it doesn't
have to be as like.
(09:58):
I don't know what the word is,like just permitting everything
that your daughter is sayingmaybe negatively about herself.
I think that's where we get alittle nervous is that we're
like, I don't wanna like makeher seem like I'm agreeing with
her because sometimes she reallyis beating herself up.
So how this validation, how Ilike to imagine it is like
you're holding up a mirror,you're reflecting back to her
and this actually goes win orlose, right?
Like if your daughter isexperiencing like a massive win,
(10:21):
a pr, like really excitingthings like.
Then this mirror analogy worksthere too, because you're
mirroring back like you are soproud of yourself right now.
Or I can tell you're reallyexcited about that.
You've worked hard for it.
You're just mirroring back heremotion.
And so even just saying like,you're feeling disappointed
right now, that makes a lot ofsense.
Okay.
We don't wanna say things like,it's not a big deal, it's just a
game.
Come on.
Like you'll do better next time.
(10:42):
Or Remember all the good thingsyou did.
Like this is our tendencies totry and get her to positive
right away.
But confidence actually isn'tlike.
Feeling good all the time orbeing positive all the time.
Confidence is trusting yourself.
Dr.
Becky Kennedy again, coined thatdefinition of confidence is
confidence is self-trust.
And so when your daughter isfeeling like disappointed,
angry, sad, upset, like.
That's all her actually, youknow, responding appropriately
(11:05):
to what happened.
And instilling confidence in heris actually just telling and
naming like what she's feeling.
She might not have thevocabulary yet, to name what
that emotion is, but just sayinglike, Hey, I believe you, you
really know you feel that way isconfidence building.
Now if she's really saying,she's kind of going off the
tracks and being like, I am theworst person.
I should, I don't deserve to beon this team and you know, blah,
(11:26):
blah blah.
just these self-deprecatingthings like.
You don't have to agree withthat.
The thing I love to say is Ithink from Dr.
Lisa Damore she said, you and Iboth know that's not true.
Okay.
So it's kind of pointing outlike it's not true, but it would
be really hard to feel that way.
So it's like kind of adding somedistance between what she's
saying, but it's alsorecognizing that like yeah,
you're feeling behind that isvery true.
(11:47):
What you're actually sayingisn't true.
You're not the worst person onthe team.
You are there for a reason.
You know all of that, but thefeeling behind it is true.
So, mirroring back, I also liketo give the analogy of being a
reporter.
So you're hearing her talk andthis is assuming that she is
talking to you.
So maybe you do say somethinglike, Hey, do you wanna talk
about the game?
Or, I'm noticing you're littlebit disappointed.
Do you wanna chat?
I'm here if you need it.
Things like that.
(12:08):
So maybe she is sharing a littlebit and we don't wanna ruin that
moment by shutting her down andbeing like, remember all the
good things, or don't be sonegative like.
Just, saying things like, tellme more, or, just allowing her
to process really helps herprocess.
Okay.
But the reporter analogy is likeshe's sharing with you and
you're just repeating back whatyou're hearing.
Almost putting like a headlineon it, right?
(12:28):
Like, ah, you missed a serve ongame point and that wasn't what
you wanted to have happen.
Okay.
Is that accurate?
And then just like, kind ofthrow it back to her and that
allows her just that processing.
You'll notice that she's gonnabe actually moving through those
emotions a lot faster.
And we're not trying to shutdown the emotion.
It's like, yep, you'reexperiencing it, you know?
Yeah.
We're gonna sit in it for alittle bit.
I'll help you process it, andthen we're gonna get over it.
(12:49):
Okay.
And we're gonna move on.
And the getting over it is the Eof the LOVE.
So to kind of recap so far, Llet her lead O open the space V,
validate the emotion.
E as in encourage inward.
So once her emotions kind ofsettle, and this could be.
As far as the timeframe goes,this could be within like, you
know, a few hours span that thisis all happening, but it also
could be within 12 hours or 24hours, that this maybe is
(13:11):
happening.
So maybe the e happens later.
Those of you that have teens andpre-teens, like you'll notice
that maybe they wanna talk andit's like 11 o'clock at night
and you're like, oh my gosh, Iwanna go to bed, but here you
are, ready to talk, so we'regonna do it.
Okay.
So encourage inward just allowsour athletes to reflect.
It's kind of like.
Putting it back on them in areally, a really good like,
gentle, growth-minded way thatstrengthens their inner coach.
(13:34):
So it's less of us giving herthe answers and more of us
helping her find the answers.
So things like, what is onething that you're proud of that
you did even though it was atough game?
Okay, what do you wanna trydifferently next time?
If a teammate felt how you werefeeling, like maybe she has a
great teammate on her team, whatwould you tell her?
Things like that that help kindof reflect back.
If you have an athlete that'slike, well, I wanna hear what
you thought of it.
What did you think?
(13:54):
I always love the phrase like,I'll tell you what I think, but
I wanna hear first from you,what are three things that you
felt went well and one thing youwanna improve on.
So it's kind of like.
Yeah, I'll give you myperspective, but first, what was
your analysis of this?
Okay.
If you are the coach of yourdaughter's team, I'll make a
side note about this.
We've got some episodes aboutthis, but a really great like
just kind of activity that youcan do with your daughter if you
(14:16):
are her coach, because it istough, like she sees.
Coach, or she sees mom, but shehears coach, which could be kind
of like critiquing, I will say,like post-game in that car, ride
home.
Let her choose if she wants youto be coach or mom.
And I've even had some athletesin the program like put on a
scrunchie, like on their wrist.
Like a hair tie and thatsignifies like, fits on.
(14:36):
I want you to be coach.
If I take it off, I want you tobe mom and talk about this ahead
of time.
You know, like, here's what momsounds like post-game, here's
what coach sounds like,postgame.
And that's very different.
You could also do that forpre-game, during game.
You know, there's a lot of otherscenarios that you could be in
where what you would say as amom is very different than what
you'd say as a coach and makingthose boundaries clear,
especially post-game, is really,really important.
So the whole part of.
(14:57):
E encourage inward is just tostrengthen her inner coach, and
less of you just providing allof the answers.
Now we do have a whole like PDFof 25 key phrases that you can
say before a game and after agame to help build her
confidence.
We actually give that to you forfree for coming live to that
training that I was talkingabout at the beginning of this
episode.
So if you go to train hergame.com, that's where you can
learn the key mental skills thatyour daughter needs to be
(15:19):
mentally strong.
Some things you can be doing tostrengthen her mental game, but
also when you show up live, wegive you that 25 key phrases, p,
d, f for free.
It's kinda like a cheat sheetthat you can bring with you, to
your game.
You can literally be like, allright, here she is, she's coming
to the car.
Okay, here are the things I cansay.
So it's a really great, resourceto have.
So that's that.
Train her game.
Dot com.
All right, wrapping up here,mamas, I hope this is a kind of
a helpful framework to help,guide that post-game
(15:41):
conversation.
I'll let her lead, oh, open thespace.
It's gonna be great if you canjust create some rituals and
routines with your athlete toopen up the space for her,
invite her to, you know,partake, if you will, v validate
the emotion and e encourageinward, asking those really good
questions that encouragereflection for her so that she's
shining that lens.
Inward rather than outwardtrying to get validation from
(16:02):
everybody else.
Okay, so that is what I have foryou moms.
Remember, train her game.com iswhere you can go for that free
training to learn more skillslike this.
Get that 25 key phrases, and Iwill see you in the next episode
of the Raising Elite Competitorspodcast.
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