May 20, 2025 • 11 mins
The culture and the world has taught parents to believe in the axioms of sports, academics and the arts as the path of parenting. Set goals, build processes, reach outcomes. Our over emphasis on reason and the rational capacity of our kids is what is driving your mom guilt and fatherly frustration. This episode I try to explain why we do it, and how trusting the unseen works of God as the cure.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ethan (00:00):
Raising joyful children in an angry world, a podcast
dedicated to faithful parentsnavigating their families
through a stormy culture
Well, it has been a few weekssince, I've been on the podcast.
This is Raising Joyful Childrenin an Angry World.
I am Paul Osborne.
As I mentioned a few podcastsago, we're getting ready to kind
of wind this down and transitionto a different podcast with some
(00:24):
different ideas, but I wanted toshare some things that have come
to my mind as we sort of windthis down, some sort of ending
ideas.
And one of them is.
The limits of reason why it isso hard for parents as we're
raising kids to see what I callthe limits of reason.
(00:45):
We give a child a clear, logicalexplanation, and yet somehow
Gets murky in their heads andthey don't follow it, and we get
very frustrated about it.
And so I wanted to offer, Ithink, some ideas from the
scriptures for Christianparenting about the limits of
reason.
I believe I may have said thisbefore, Blaine Pascal had said
(01:08):
that the heart knows reason.
That reason knows nothing of, inother words, we are not just
rational, logical beings, butour heart has emotions and
things inside of it.
That go beyond the framework ofreason.
And in fact, I think if youwanna get philosophical, we
could even say that, you know,total reason is actually
(01:31):
unreasonable.
That there's a limit to reasonbut I believe that the.
The, the cause of why this is sohard for parents to trust is
something I wanna talk about,why it's so hard to trust it,
and then what I think thebenefits are of coming to a
Christian understanding of it,particularly in a day and age
where so many people seem to beholding such high anxiety in
(01:55):
raising their children.
Mom, guilt, dad, guilt, uh, allthat kind of stuff.
I think if you, you get this, ifyou kind of see this, I think
it'll help you and bebeneficial, help you relax and
just kind of enjoy raising yourkids and, and resetting your
expectations as to what reasonand logic can do.
(02:17):
Again, I think the reason why,what's the cause we put so much
trust in this and I think all ofus have been trained.
Whether we've taken music up orsports or academics, or we spent
how many years or x number ofyears in the workplace that the
way the world works is it says,well, you set a goal, right?
(02:38):
So a goal might be to make, thefirst team the starter, maybe
first chair in an orchestra toget straight A's or to make the
honor roll.
You set a goal, then you build aprocess.
In other words, what you have todo to make first chair, to make,
the starter, to be the honorroll kid.
(02:58):
And then, when you reach thatoutcome, you sort of receive
that identity.
Oh, you're the startingquarterback.
You're the starting pitcher.
You are first chair in theorchestra.
You've got the little, thing forhonor roll.
You are on that list.
And in the Kingdom of God, itworks in the opposite order.
(03:21):
God declares the out theidentity outcome.
Before we get involved in anyprocess, particularly with our
kids and before goals areachieved, God comes to us first.
He says things like in John, tothose who believe, who trust in
His name, he gives the right tobecome the children of God and
(03:43):
such We are.
In other words, we're declaredthe children of God, or, or when
Jesus says, let the littlechildren come unto me for
theirs, is the Kingdom of Heavensomething we say at the end of
this podcast all the time?
That's an identity and it isgiven early, very early to our
kids.
It it's really incredible howthat actually works.
(04:07):
And this process that has usinvolved in our instruction,
which I'm not saying we don'tuse logic in raising kids, but
it's kind of like a train, uh,on one side of the track that we
can see is our instruction andour advice, our rules, whatever
you want to call them, and howthe kids react to that.
(04:29):
And then on the other side.
Is God and he's working in whatthe Psalmist calls the secret
heart, the internal parts oftheir being.
And where we get outta whack onthis is we put all kinds of
trust and emphasis on the logic,on our instruction, on the what
(04:50):
we think is reasonable.
And we don't put enough trust.
I'm not saying we don't put any,but we don't put enough trust
sometimes in that God's doinghis work internally in their
heart.
He has already claimed them.
And he is going to work out whatthe scriptures say has been
(05:12):
worked in.
And this process, comes atagrarian speed, the raising of
kids.
When you look at the scriptures,it's about planting seeds and
waiting for the harvest andbearing fruit, or finding the
sheep that's wandered from theflock.
All these kinds of agricultural.
Type things.
(05:34):
Yet we live in the instantworld.
So it's, it's very easy for usto get caught up in, okay,
here's your goals, here's yourprocess.
Now get it done.
And, and yet the scriptures aretelling us that there's
something going on in the secretheart, in the internal parts of
the being of the child, that Godis reworking inside of them
(05:55):
through the Holy Spirit.
And we've gotta trust that andGod's timing and our timing are
different.
Now to me the benefit, if youcan see this, if you can kind of
readjust expectations and trustthat even though we don't always
see the kind of development orobedience or striving that maybe
(06:17):
we would like to see.
I think if we learn to enentrust God with this, we'll
find that much of that anxiety.
Of guilty mom, guilty dad, oftenexasperated, especially in
today's world with social media,right?
Everybody posts a picture ofthem and their kid on their best
(06:38):
day, and we might be looking atit on our worst day.
We might be looking at it whenyou know, we're dealing with
temper tantrum or a disobedienceor an argument with the team,
whatever it is.
And, and so this whole thingputs this strange pressure
that's not realistic whatsoever.
I would wrap it up in a, in, ina couple of stories.
(07:00):
One, if you think about thestory of Jacob.
Right.
Multiple wives, uh, the brothersand all their envy and jealousy,
Joseph getting sold intoslavery.
Like if you live next to thosepeople, you're not gonna be
sitting there going, man, what agreat dad.
Uh, I wish our family could bemore like that, that that's not
(07:22):
what you're going to bethinking.
And yet.
As messed up as it is, right?
God still does the work inJoseph's heart and in in his
heart work.
Joseph comes to the place inwhich he's forgiven, and the 12
tribes, the brothers and theentire nation of the Hebrews is
(07:47):
saved from the famine.
Based on what God has done inthe heart and none of it, I'm
sure during the growing up andat the moments we read this
story, on the train track ofreason, on following
instructions on the old, set agoal, build a process, achieve
an outcome, none of that wouldbe obvious to us.
(08:11):
And yet in this dysfunctionalfamily.
This, this great ending happensin which, God's work is done in
the heart.
And so I want to be clear.
Yeah.
We still have to instruct ourkids and we still have to give
them.
You know, things to follow andrules in our house and
expectations that we have forthem.
(08:32):
But boy, if we can reset, if wecan reset this, I think we're
going to find ourselves, in lessguilt and less frustration and
less anxiety.
I.
I, I've seen it in my ownfamily.
I've seen it.
I know in myself at times when Iwas raising kids, I spent a lot
of time with grandparents thesedays.
(08:53):
so much of the conversations oraround, you know, what the
parents and, you know, theson-in-law or the
daughter-in-law particularly aredoing, and it's all driven by.
This trust and reason in humanperformance in our ability to
(09:14):
clearly communicate instructionsand motivate like we're some
sort of coach and a lack ofconfidence in the promises of
God who says he will come intothe child's heart and offer them
the inheritance in the kingdom.
I invite you and would encourageyou to take that under deeper
(09:36):
consideration as you, as you runinto those special moments where
it's like, Hey, didn't I justtell you this?
And why would you do all ofthat?
I.
There's an old Crosby Stills ofNash song called Teach Your
Children Well, and it's kind ofan interesting song, but it, it
sort of gives, in my view, thewrong advice.
(09:57):
It says, don't you ever ask themwhy, if they told you it would
make you cry.
So just listen to, to them andsigh and know they love you.
Well, it's not too bad, but Ithink the real advice.
The real thing that's gonna takeaway anxiety isn't not asking
the why questions of your kids,or just recognizing that they
(10:21):
love their mom and dad, but it'sknowing that God loves them and
trusting that his love for themwill deliver them to the outcome
that he has promised.
I believe that if you can learnto reset your trust on what God
is doing and less trust on whatyou are doing, if you can come
(10:45):
to a place where you put a, puta reasonable expectation on
logic and rationalization, ifyou can get a real estimate of
rational capacity of your kidsand the unlimited power of God.
You are going to find yourselfwith less anxiety, less mom
(11:08):
guilt, less dad guilt, and amore relaxed, just joyous way of
raising your family.
Paul (2) (11:16):
The ultimate battle for the heart and soul is a
fight for identity.
Our king invites our kids toknow who they are, what to
believe, and where they belong.
Until next time, let's rememberthe words for theirs is the
Kingdom of Heaven.
Raising joyful children in an angry world, a podcast
dedicated to faithful parentsnavigating their families
through a stormy culture
Well, it has been a few weekssince, I've been on the podcast.
This is Raising Joyful Childrenin an Angry World.
I am Paul Osborne.
As I mentioned a few podcastsago, we're getting ready to kind
of wind this down and transitionto a different podcast with some
(00:24):
different ideas, but I wanted toshare some things that have come
to my mind as we sort of windthis down, some sort of ending
ideas.
And one of them is.
The limits of reason why it isso hard for parents as we're
raising kids to see what I callthe limits of reason.
(00:45):
We give a child a clear, logicalexplanation, and yet somehow
Gets murky in their heads andthey don't follow it, and we get
very frustrated about it.
And so I wanted to offer, Ithink, some ideas from the
scriptures for Christianparenting about the limits of
reason.
I believe I may have said thisbefore, Blaine Pascal had said
(01:08):
that the heart knows reason.
That reason knows nothing of, inother words, we are not just
rational, logical beings, butour heart has emotions and
things inside of it.
That go beyond the framework ofreason.
And in fact, I think if youwanna get philosophical, we
could even say that, you know,total reason is actually
(01:31):
unreasonable.
That there's a limit to reasonbut I believe that the.
The, the cause of why this is sohard for parents to trust is
something I wanna talk about,why it's so hard to trust it,
and then what I think thebenefits are of coming to a
Christian understanding of it,particularly in a day and age
where so many people seem to beholding such high anxiety in
(01:55):
raising their children.
Mom, guilt, dad, guilt, uh, allthat kind of stuff.
I think if you, you get this, ifyou kind of see this, I think
it'll help you and bebeneficial, help you relax and
just kind of enjoy raising yourkids and, and resetting your
expectations as to what reasonand logic can do.
(02:17):
Again, I think the reason why,what's the cause we put so much
trust in this and I think all ofus have been trained.
Whether we've taken music up orsports or academics, or we spent
how many years or x number ofyears in the workplace that the
way the world works is it says,well, you set a goal, right?
(02:38):
So a goal might be to make, thefirst team the starter, maybe
first chair in an orchestra toget straight A's or to make the
honor roll.
You set a goal, then you build aprocess.
In other words, what you have todo to make first chair, to make,
the starter, to be the honorroll kid.
(02:58):
And then, when you reach thatoutcome, you sort of receive
that identity.
Oh, you're the startingquarterback.
You're the starting pitcher.
You are first chair in theorchestra.
You've got the little, thing forhonor roll.
You are on that list.
And in the Kingdom of God, itworks in the opposite order.
(03:21):
God declares the out theidentity outcome.
Before we get involved in anyprocess, particularly with our
kids and before goals areachieved, God comes to us first.
He says things like in John, tothose who believe, who trust in
His name, he gives the right tobecome the children of God and
(03:43):
such We are.
In other words, we're declaredthe children of God, or, or when
Jesus says, let the littlechildren come unto me for
theirs, is the Kingdom of Heavensomething we say at the end of
this podcast all the time?
That's an identity and it isgiven early, very early to our
kids.
It it's really incredible howthat actually works.
(04:07):
And this process that has usinvolved in our instruction,
which I'm not saying we don'tuse logic in raising kids, but
it's kind of like a train, uh,on one side of the track that we
can see is our instruction andour advice, our rules, whatever
you want to call them, and howthe kids react to that.
(04:29):
And then on the other side.
Is God and he's working in whatthe Psalmist calls the secret
heart, the internal parts oftheir being.
And where we get outta whack onthis is we put all kinds of
trust and emphasis on the logic,on our instruction, on the what
(04:50):
we think is reasonable.
And we don't put enough trust.
I'm not saying we don't put any,but we don't put enough trust
sometimes in that God's doinghis work internally in their
heart.
He has already claimed them.
And he is going to work out whatthe scriptures say has been
(05:12):
worked in.
And this process, comes atagrarian speed, the raising of
kids.
When you look at the scriptures,it's about planting seeds and
waiting for the harvest andbearing fruit, or finding the
sheep that's wandered from theflock.
All these kinds of agricultural.
Type things.
(05:34):
Yet we live in the instantworld.
So it's, it's very easy for usto get caught up in, okay,
here's your goals, here's yourprocess.
Now get it done.
And, and yet the scriptures aretelling us that there's
something going on in the secretheart, in the internal parts of
the being of the child, that Godis reworking inside of them
(05:55):
through the Holy Spirit.
And we've gotta trust that andGod's timing and our timing are
different.
Now to me the benefit, if youcan see this, if you can kind of
readjust expectations and trustthat even though we don't always
see the kind of development orobedience or striving that maybe
(06:17):
we would like to see.
I think if we learn to enentrust God with this, we'll
find that much of that anxiety.
Of guilty mom, guilty dad, oftenexasperated, especially in
today's world with social media,right?
Everybody posts a picture ofthem and their kid on their best
(06:38):
day, and we might be looking atit on our worst day.
We might be looking at it whenyou know, we're dealing with
temper tantrum or a disobedienceor an argument with the team,
whatever it is.
And, and so this whole thingputs this strange pressure
that's not realistic whatsoever.
I would wrap it up in a, in, ina couple of stories.
(07:00):
One, if you think about thestory of Jacob.
Right.
Multiple wives, uh, the brothersand all their envy and jealousy,
Joseph getting sold intoslavery.
Like if you live next to thosepeople, you're not gonna be
sitting there going, man, what agreat dad.
Uh, I wish our family could bemore like that, that that's not
(07:22):
what you're going to bethinking.
And yet.
As messed up as it is, right?
God still does the work inJoseph's heart and in in his
heart work.
Joseph comes to the place inwhich he's forgiven, and the 12
tribes, the brothers and theentire nation of the Hebrews is
(07:47):
saved from the famine.
Based on what God has done inthe heart and none of it, I'm
sure during the growing up andat the moments we read this
story, on the train track ofreason, on following
instructions on the old, set agoal, build a process, achieve
an outcome, none of that wouldbe obvious to us.
(08:11):
And yet in this dysfunctionalfamily.
This, this great ending happensin which, God's work is done in
the heart.
And so I want to be clear.
Yeah.
We still have to instruct ourkids and we still have to give
them.
You know, things to follow andrules in our house and
expectations that we have forthem.
(08:32):
But boy, if we can reset, if wecan reset this, I think we're
going to find ourselves, in lessguilt and less frustration and
less anxiety.
I.
I, I've seen it in my ownfamily.
I've seen it.
I know in myself at times when Iwas raising kids, I spent a lot
of time with grandparents thesedays.
(08:53):
so much of the conversations oraround, you know, what the
parents and, you know, theson-in-law or the
daughter-in-law particularly aredoing, and it's all driven by.
This trust and reason in humanperformance in our ability to
(09:14):
clearly communicate instructionsand motivate like we're some
sort of coach and a lack ofconfidence in the promises of
God who says he will come intothe child's heart and offer them
the inheritance in the kingdom.
I invite you and would encourageyou to take that under deeper
(09:36):
consideration as you, as you runinto those special moments where
it's like, Hey, didn't I justtell you this?
And why would you do all ofthat?
I.
There's an old Crosby Stills ofNash song called Teach Your
Children Well, and it's kind ofan interesting song, but it, it
sort of gives, in my view, thewrong advice.
(09:57):
It says, don't you ever ask themwhy, if they told you it would
make you cry.
So just listen to, to them andsigh and know they love you.
Well, it's not too bad, but Ithink the real advice.
The real thing that's gonna takeaway anxiety isn't not asking
the why questions of your kids,or just recognizing that they
(10:21):
love their mom and dad, but it'sknowing that God loves them and
trusting that his love for themwill deliver them to the outcome
that he has promised.
I believe that if you can learnto reset your trust on what God
is doing and less trust on whatyou are doing, if you can come
(10:45):
to a place where you put a, puta reasonable expectation on
logic and rationalization, ifyou can get a real estimate of
rational capacity of your kidsand the unlimited power of God.
You are going to find yourselfwith less anxiety, less mom
(11:08):
guilt, less dad guilt, and amore relaxed, just joyous way of
raising your family.
Paul (2) (11:16):
The ultimate battle for the heart and soul is a
fight for identity.
Our king invites our kids toknow who they are, what to
believe, and where they belong.
Until next time, let's rememberthe words for theirs is the
Kingdom of Heaven.
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