September 22, 2025 • 43 mins
Ready to fall (back?) in love with your belly? Loni Markman— neurosomatic life coach, pilates energetics teacher, and creator of Permission Academy— joins us today to explore the mind-belly connection, finding your inner compass and so much more. Learn more about Loni's work & Connect with her here!
If you feel inspired please consider sharing this episode with a friend, writing a 5⭐️ review or becoming a Raising Wild Hearts Member here!
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Episode Transcript
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Loni (00:00):
We have been conditioned to believe our bellies are
supposed to be a certain way.
If we look this, we will be X,Y, and Z.
My worth is connected to anumber on the scale or what my,
you know, genes look like orwhatever.
So it is not your fault youfelt that way in middle school.
It is unfortunately what wehave been conditioned to believe
(00:20):
and to be taught.
And you get the beautiful jobof now raising two girls to
completely change that.
Dismantle that conditioning.
Ryann (01:12):
She's got nearly two decades of experience helping
women live and thrive in a bodythat love.
Lonnie guides her clients toreconnect with their bodies,
regulate their nervous systems,and create a deep mind-belly
connection.
Her work focuses on the bellyas the body's competent, helping
women to tap into theiremotional, physical, and
(01:32):
energetic core to find truealignment and body-led
confidence.
Yes.
This conversation, as to beexpected, as you hear in
Lonnie's bio, is so powerful.
We talk about dismantling shameat the core.
We talk about body image andwhy so many of us grow up hating
(01:56):
our bellies and bodies.
We talk about leaning intoneutrality instead of the good
or the bad of life.
And of course, we talk aboutfeeling your feelings.
One of my favorite things totalk about emotional
intelligence.
So this conversation is really,really powerful.
This is even like a listentwice conversation.
(02:19):
Lonnie's experience combinedwith her messaging, combined
with her wisdom and livedexperience, is so valuable.
So I know you guys are gonnajust gonna get so much out of
this conversation.
I know that I did.
Um, so let's just jump into myconversation with Lani Markman.
Hi, Lani.
(02:40):
Welcome to the Raising WildHearts podcast.
Hi, thanks for having me.
Yeah, of course.
So I'm really excited.
And as I was preparing for thisinterview, I Googled the word
core.
I wanted to know thedefinition.
And one of the definitions ofthe word core, get this.
The central innermost or mostessential part of anything.
(03:03):
Yes.
Right?
Yeah.
And so I was like, well, thisis the perfect place to kick it
off because we're gonna get tothe central innermost or most
essential part of I wouldventure to say life, I would
venture to say personaldevelopment, being a human, even
right, if we want to even makeit that broad.
So, what's your take on thatdefinition of core from where
(03:24):
you're standing?
Well, I think wherever youfound that definition of core,
they really nailed it.
Loni (03:29):
Yeah.
You know, I my work is centeredaround the core.
And I always talk about how itis literally the center of our
being and our doing.
It is who we are, how we move,how we show up, how we connect
to ourselves, our intuition, ourhigher power, how we birth our
babies, how we birth our books.
Like you name it, it happenswithin our belly.
(03:53):
I have been teaching Pilatesfor two decades now, and we call
it the powerhouse.
So literally, it's the placewhere you house your power.
Okay.
So in Pilates, it's not justthe belly, it's shoulder to
shoulder, shoulder to hip, hipto hip, hip to shoulder.
So it includes when I work withpeople energetically too.
(04:15):
We're talking about your heartspace, your sacral, your solar
plex, your root, like really bigenergy happens there from a
nutrition perspective, becausethat was my background.
This is really, you know, thisis your second brain, right?
Your gut.
So we digest so much stuff thathappens in our core, not just
(04:38):
on our plate, but off our plate.
So for me, the core isliterally the center of it all.
We don't make a move.
Our limbs don't move withouttapping into the power of our of
our of our core in Pilates,right?
We don't take forward action inlife without tapping into the
power of the core on youreveryday, your core values, your
(05:00):
core beliefs, the core of whoyou are, your self-trust, like
all of the things.
So I'm a little passionateabout this.
Um, yeah.
So I love that.
I love that question.
Ryann (05:12):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I was also thinking about myrelationship with my belly and
my stomach.
And I was pretty young.
I mean, I'm really sad to sayat this point, I was pretty
young when I started likestarted hating.
I I don't even want to eat.
That's such a strong word, butreally disliking my belly.
(05:35):
And remember, like, you know,just, I mean, God, I was
probably only like middleschool, maybe younger, when I
started feeling like, oh,there's a role.
I don't want anyone to see mybelly covering up.
Like, what a sad thing.
Cause I see my girls who areeight and ten, and I'm like,
girl, that's like, that's yourentire power.
(05:59):
You know, like you said, thepowerhouse.
Like that is your being.
That is the center of you.
And so I really trying to modelthat as a 42-year-old woman and
re-falling in love with mybelly after having three kids is
like, holy shit.
So let's talk about falling inlove with our bellies, Lonnie.
Loni (06:20):
Shame, shoulds.
All of these pieces of whatyou're talking about.
We have been conditioned tobelieve our bellies are supposed
to be a certain way.
If we look this, we will be X,Y, and Z.
My worth is connected to anumber on the scale or what my
you know genes look like orwhatever.
So it is not your fault youfelt that way in middle school.
(06:41):
It is unfortunately what wehave been conditioned to believe
and to be taught.
And you get the beautiful jobof now raising two girls to
completely change that,dismantle that conditioning.
So, yes, right?
Yes, yes, yes.
This, if anything, you takeaway anything from this, who's
ever listening, that this is theend goal, that we are breaking
(07:04):
these generational traumas andthese societal conditionings.
So our next generation can showup better than we did.
Yeah.
Right.
And that has a lot to do withbody love.
And there's a lot of shouldsand shames that happen around
the belly and around the bellyin motherhood.
I worked with fertilitycoaching for a long time.
It was a big piece of mynutrition world.
(07:26):
And everyone be like, I'mgetting fat, or I wish I could
get my body back to where itwas, you know.
And these are things thatreally always upset me because
you're pregnant, you're not fat,right?
Not that we call ourselves fatanyway.
That's a whole nother podcast.
But and we don't go backwards,right?
You have, you said three kids,three kids.
Your body's not going to looklike it did before then.
(07:47):
And it's not supposed to,doesn't mean it can't be strong
and beautiful and sovereign andall of these other beautiful
pieces that come with having asacred relationship to your
core.
We just have to work on ourpermission to let go of the
shoulds, to let go of the shamethat's been conditioned to us.
So these stories aren't ours.
And I'm gonna ask you andeveryone listening to this to
(08:10):
ask yourself, what have youbelieved along the way that
you've been told and thought wasgospel that's not actually
yours?
Ryann (08:18):
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell you right nowbecause when you said shame, I
immediately had likerecognition.
It was like, yep.
Like I just felt a yes when yousaid the word shame.
And for me, I was taughtessentially and like explicitly
and not explicitly to be seenand not heard, not to voice my
(08:40):
questions, not to ex, you know,uh command a room.
Not, you know, I was kind oftold like, get smaller, be
smaller, be quieter, don't askwhy, don't argue with me, don't,
don't, don't, don't, don't,don't, don't.
Yeah.
And so of course, I then didn'twant to, you know, have the
(09:02):
center of my power be clear.
Loni (09:05):
And I went, yep.
Yeah, you went inward.
I know you can't see me on thepodcast, but you your shoulders
shrunk, your belly went in, andyou went down.
You literally started to shrinkin all the ways.
I mean, I'm teaching amasterclass next week called
Louder.
And that's what it's about.
It's about, you know, you know,if you want to say like
standing taller in your purpose,in your body, with your belly
(09:27):
to be seen, to be celebrated, tobe heard, to be loud in your
truth, right?
So you're touching on my workright here, so big.
Um and that is the message alot of us have gotten over time,
no matter how it looks like.
And maybe there's even a voicein your head where you're like,
okay, that was my mom who toldme that, or that was my
(09:48):
grandfather, or that was teacherSally in fifth grade or
whatever, you know, like you caneven take it back to those
memories about that's where Iremember the first time someone
told me that.
And then that message wasrepeated over time.
And that's where the magic ofthe work comes in.
Because you asked me, how do Ifall, how do I fall in love with
my belly?
That's a big statement.
(10:09):
Okay.
A, we start with that awarenessand understanding of how we
feel about our belly right now.
And then where, what, who,when, all the other pieces have
shaped this relationship alongthe way.
Like for me, one of the thingsthat shaped my relationship is
when I was in my early 20s, Iwas bloated all the time.
(10:31):
Like I lived in New York Cityand people would give up their
subway seat for me.
Like that's how bloated Ilooked.
I looked six months pregnant.
And, you know, I wasn'tmarried, wasn't thinking of
babies.
Like I was like, oh my God, Iwas so ashamed and so
embarrassed.
And that's some of what got meon this journey into nutrition
and then down this path.
Because as I was working withwomen, whether it was weight
(10:52):
loss, infertility, eatingdisorders, I've done a whole
bunch of things with nutrition,the same thing was true.
They were disconnected fromtheir body, especially their
belly.
So I share this because this isthe first step to really start
asking hand on heart, hand onbelly, how do I feel?
What does it feel like to touchmy belly?
You know, so we start to haveconversation and create
(11:14):
relationship with.
And then we remember we are nottrying to go from zero to 60.
We are not going from, I'mgonna use the word you used
before, like I hate or havedisdain for my belly, to I'm
falling in love with my belly.
That's a freaking big leap.
So I teach what's called thelaw of neutrality, neutrality.
(11:36):
I do a lot of nervous systemwork.
This is nervous system safety.
We titrate you there, littlesmall steps, right?
Okay.
So think about it as a pendulumand we're here at hate and we
want to be fall in love.
We're gonna find our way toneutral first.
We're gonna love what is.
We're gonna be with, seeourselves, respect ourselves
(11:59):
here before we can go to fall inlove.
Uh-huh.
And so many of us skip thisstep.
We're like, I should be here.
Another should.
And now I'm just shoulding allover myself, right?
And should happens, shamehappens.
Okay.
So we're wanting to be here,we're here, and it's so hard
because we're just we're goingtoo far.
(12:20):
Like, we're not gonna go from,you know, wanting to lose 100
pounds.
We got to lose 10 pounds first.
It's the same thing in creatingthat relationship to the body,
creating that connection withthe belly.
So to fall in love with yourbelly is I don't know if it's
ever fully possible, to behonest.
Okay.
It's a big statement for many.
(12:42):
You can fall, I'm, you know,almost 50.
So perimenopausal, right?
Like I'm relearning to lovethis new belly.
Yeah, there was baby belly, andthen there was, you know, now
there's this belly.
And it's different and it'sbeautiful, but it's a new
relationship I'm creating.
Yeah.
(13:03):
And so I just want to takefalling in love with a little
bit off the table to learn tosee what is, to love what is
first.
And then we could go into thatbigger realm of emotion that
comes with falling in love, ifthat makes sense.
Absolutely.
Ryann (13:22):
So, something that's been coming up lately on this
podcast is a fear or worry offeeling our emotions and perhaps
certain challenging emotions.
So, in your work, how are youseeing fear play a part of women
blocking their core strength orcore power?
Loni (13:42):
Okay, so the the question is really about how do we show
up anyway when there's fear?
So, feelings are information.
They are not wrong or bad.
They do not make you good orbad.
Feelings are feelings.
We have also been taught to notfeel.
I will never forget, this isprobably about 20 years ago.
(14:06):
My one of my first mentors hadsaid to me, You got to feel your
feelings, to feel it to healit.
And I was like, What?
That's ridiculous.
Who wants to do that?
And it's such a processbecause, in order for us, so
when we talk about nervoussystem work, a lot of the time
we talk about regulation.
Regulating your nervous systemis a beautiful, they're
(14:26):
beautiful tools to regulate yournervous system.
My goal with my clients is notto regulate, it's to rewire.
Okay.
I say this because a lot of thetimes we use regulation tools
as bypassing.
I don't want to feel saidfeeling.
So I'm going to shake it out,I'm going to tap, I'm going to
dance, I'm going to do whateverregulation tool, yoga, breath
(14:49):
work, whatever.
So I don't have to feel thatfeeling.
Okay, I get it.
Not wrong or bad, but we're notgoing to transmute that emotion
unless we feel it.
So it goes back to what, youknow, my mentor said years ago,
you gotta feel it to heal it.
And how that relates to thecore is really, I'm gonna take
that back to how it relates tothe body in general, not just to
(15:11):
the core, right?
Because we hold emotions in ourbody, a lot in our belly, some
in our hip, in our jaw.
You know, there's other partsof the body.
So I don't want to just say thebelly because if it's not, if
you're not finding that emotionin your belly, I don't want you
to think that it's not living inyour body somewhere.
So the first thing is to,again, you create that
(15:32):
relationship.
Like, how do you sit withfeeling something?
Where are you feeling it inyour body?
What does it feel like?
Can you be with that feelingfor 30 seconds before you
regulate out of it?
Can you be with that feelingfor a minute before you regulate
out of it?
And then we go from there.
Okay.
And so that's a big piece ofthe titration.
(15:53):
That's a big piece of kind ofthat feeling the fear and doing
it anyway, you know, motto thatit really has truth in it, but
it's not just about pushingthrough, it's about feeling it.
So you're really connected towhy am I feeling this fear?
What's coming up for me?
And on the other side of fearis excitement.
(16:13):
So we have both at the sametime and we get to hold both at
the same time.
I'm gonna stop there for asecond.
I'm not even sure if I answeredyour question.
Ryann (16:22):
You absolutely did.
Yes, yes.
And, you know, I think of theword or the phrase gut feeling.
Like we say that in ourculture, but we don't
necessarily like embody it.
Like we say, like, what's yourgut feeling?
But we use our brain and ourmind to like analyze the shit
out of ourselves, you know?
(16:44):
And so, you know, I asked thisquestion to almost everybody,
right?
In one way or another, is like,how do we learn how to feel a
feeling?
Do we have to, like, for me,it's like power in the paws.
Like, you have to slow thefrick down, you know.
I'm like a need for speed kindof a gal.
And I just like speed throughit all.
And then all of a sudden I'mballing crying like puddle on
(17:07):
the floor.
And it's like, well, no wonder,babe.
Like, come on.
So let's let's break that downeven more.
How do we feel?
Gut feelings, where'd that allcome from?
Loni (17:17):
Totally.
Well, first of all, I love thepower of the pause.
I think that is such animportant piece.
We are constantly going, andlife is slifing and chaotic, and
it it goes that way.
And so to train our bodies toallow for a pause is such a
beautiful gift to give yourself.
And that will truly help usunderstand how to feel our
(17:38):
feelings.
I think the idea with the gutfeeling of why it's kind of
called that is because, youknow, there's so many nerves in
the belly and they're connectedto your vagus nerve, which is
I'll just say it's like thedirect system to your brain and
belly, the vagus nerve.
And so that's where kind oflike that gut feeling comes in.
(18:01):
And when we start to createthese relationships to our
ourselves by asking thosequestions, how do I feel?
Is it safe for me to feel thisright now?
Orienting yourself around theroom.
Okay, three things I see, youknow, two things I hear,
something I can feel on my skin,we start to create some safety
(18:22):
in the moment.
And we are not gonna be ableto, you're not gonna be able to
tap into your feelings,especially like gut feelings,
aka intuition.
So we're not answering from ahead, but we're answering really
from heart, soul, coreconnection place when we don't
have safety in the body.
And safety in the body is apractice, it is a learned
(18:44):
experience.
It is a practice we willpractice ongoing.
And so the power of the pauseis a perfect piece of that
because what we do is we pausethe noise.
Yeah.
Ryann (18:54):
And I have all the chatter, yeah, Lani, too,
because this is gonna help frameit.
I was born into a very unsafeenvironment.
So I didn't actually have thatlike that baseline of safety,
like starting at birth.
And so I had three decades ofmy life where I numbed.
And if you would have said, Oh,there's power in the paws to me
(19:15):
in my early 20s, I would havetaken a shot of tequila and told
you to fuck off.
Like because I couldn't.
I spent my 25th birthday barhopping by myself, falling
asleep in a vomit, uh, in apuddle of my own vomit.
I mean, and that's somethingI've been reflecting on lately
because I'm like, oh my God,like you, you poor thing.
(19:36):
You don't know.
You don't know what you don'tknow.
Right.
And so I think, like, for me,you said titration.
It was these very small, likevery, you know, methodical ways
of like, you know, baby stepforward, three steps back,
little step forward, 10 stepsback, forward, back, forward,
back.
So I call them micro.
(19:57):
I call them yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So let's like, what's a micromoment that's instead of like
the power of the pause?
Because now I'm like zen, I'mlike a decade into myself.
I'm like, oh, I got this.
I know.
Loni (20:10):
But power of the pause can be a micro moment.
That's how I teach it.
So for example, we all wake upin the morning, you know, that's
our goal.
We wake up in the morning, takea moment.
Yeah, take one little pausethere.
Yeah.
Before you pop up, before youturn on a phone, before you make
breakfast for your kids, beforeany of that, hand on heart,
hand on belly, one deep breathinto the body.
(20:30):
Maybe even saying how you wantto feel for the day.
I want to feel energized.
I want to feel awakened.
I want to feel peaceful, likewhatever it is.
That's that's it.
Power of the pause.
One tiny tiny moment, fiveseconds.
Yep.
Then I don't know.
I drink coffee, maybe you drinktea, whatever.
I have my mug.
I call them mug moments.
You grab your mug, you takeanother breath, you drink your
(20:50):
coffee.
That's another power of thepause.
We are not talking about, girl,I have never meditated on a
mountain for two hours.
Do you know what I mean?
Like this is not how lifeworks.
Yeah.
I don't even do it for 20minutes.
I do three minutes here, fiveminutes here, and I do tons of
different sort of momentswithin.
They're not meditation, butthey're meditative enough to me
(21:12):
in my nervous system to quietthe noise so I could hear
myself.
Yeah.
So I could be with myself.
Ryann (21:18):
What was the catalyst for you to allow yourself to feel
your stuff, to allow yourself toheal, to allow yourself to
realize that you were whole?
Loni (21:28):
Like what was the catalyst for you?
Wow.
I don't think there was one,there's many.
And they happen over time askind of like as what you were
saying.
I also grew up in anenvironment that wasn't that
safe and partied a lot.
I mean, there's so many likesimilarities in that sense,
right?
So I was on survival mode,gosh, probably until my 40s
without even knowing it fully.
Ryann (21:47):
Yeah.
Loni (21:48):
Okay.
And so there were differentmoments where I focused and paid
attention to different things.
There was a period of time inmy early 20s when I don't know,
it's just so random.
I was driving in New York andaround the BQE, there was a
billboard and it was like somegirl in a bikini for Jamaica ad.
And I was like, I could nevergo to Jamaica.
I don't like my body, blah,blah, blah.
(22:09):
And I started having this wholeconversation.
And then I was just like, inthat moment, I was like, how
much time do I spend dislikingmy body?
And what could I do with thattime if I started to really
reframe that into self-respect?
Ryann (22:24):
Yeah.
Loni (22:24):
And so in that moment, my relationship to my body started
to come on board.
And that was my first moment offinding safety within myself.
Ryann (22:33):
Yeah.
Loni (22:34):
Okay.
So one catalyst, catalyst in acertain area, right?
And then, you know, my mompassing when I was in my 30s,
that was another catalyst for meto start.
So there've been differentpieces over time.
It doesn't have to be one bigthing, but they've all stacked.
And then when I got divorced afew years ago, that was another
(22:55):
huge piece for me to really stepinto an identity that I didn't
know.
I was with someone for 26years, right?
So it's like now here's a bigcatalyst.
So there's not one answer tothat.
There's many, and they're allbeautiful moments of growth and
of self-check-in and of, youknow, doing the work because
(23:18):
this work is a process andyou're on a journey.
It is not meant to be aone-and-done.
There's not a one size fits allapproach.
And that's why, like in theseconversations and who the people
that listen to your podcasts,they can pick out the one thing
that works for them each time.
And now they have their owntoolbox because what works for
me might not work for you, Ryan.
You know what I mean?
Like, and that's the beauty ofbeing human.
(23:39):
Yeah.
Take what you need and leavethe rest, right?
Ryann (23:42):
Yeah, exactly.
So what would you tell a womanwho's on the path to trusting
her hunger?
And I don't just mean food,like desire, depth, like hunger
for.
Loni (23:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that there's a hugepiece of working through the
stories that have been stuck inyour body.
I kind of already touched onthis, but in order to really
step into that power, thatdesire, that permission for
pleasure and joy and bigness,there has to be safety in the
(24:17):
body.
So to me, safety is everything.
Creating that safety iseverything.
And those safeties happen inthose small moments where you
get to be with you.
This is a journey.
You are the longestrelationship you will ever have.
You are with you all thefreaking time.
Ryann (24:33):
And you're gonna die with just you, might I add.
I my 98-year-old grandma justdied.
And I was like, She was just,yeah, thank you.
But I just one of the things Ikept thinking of was like, it
was just her.
It was, it was just her.
Nobody did it for her.
Nobody was there telling likeit was her.
Loni (24:50):
And she was so I want you to treat your life like a love
story.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
This is you with you.
Yeah.
Not you against how you wereyesterday, being better than
before.
Sure.
I love that.
Okay, yes.
And this is you with you.
This is you for you.
This is this relationship wherewe're working together.
(25:13):
And so I mean, that's why Ilove this neurosomatic work that
I do, because we get the brainand the body to become friends.
And we do that by asking simplesometimes questions to the
body.
My favorite way to answer yourquestion, my favorite way to
allow yourself to get into yourown spotlight, hand on heart,
(25:34):
hand on belly.
What does my body need today?
What is she asking of me?
And then listening.
So we can ask the question, butnow we want to listen.
And we want to listen not justwith our ears and our brain.
We want to listen with ourwhole body because our body
doesn't speak in sound.
It doesn't know English.
(25:55):
It doesn't speak like that.
It speaks in sensation.
So what comes up for you whenthis happens?
Butterflies, tension,softening, warmth.
Like, did you get cold?
Like, you know, did you getchills?
Like what is happening in yourbody as well is also the message
you want to learn to listen to.
Ryann (26:14):
Yeah.
Good.
You start to trust yourself.
Like I was like doing aninterview before this, and my
feet were cold.
And I was like, well, honey,just go get yourself some socks
then.
And it's like, what a sweetlittle thing I just did for
myself.
Like a former version of mewould have been like ignoring
it, like not even knowing thatmy feet are cold.
How fucking crazy does thatsound?
But like that's exactly truefor me.
Loni (26:36):
Exactly.
And so when we ask ourselvesthe question, we create this
connection to ourselves that wematter and we're talking to
ourselves.
It's important.
And then when we listen, weagain we're taking out the noise
of the other people, theshoulds and all the stories and
the the information we'regetting from other people
(26:57):
constantly.
And we can start to tap in,tune in to our own body's
language and what our bodyneeds.
And then when we actually dothe thing, like your perfect
example of like my feet werecold, my body's telling me my
feet are cold.
I am gonna listen to what whatmy feet are telling me, whether
we could talk about more of whatthat might mean or not mean,
(27:18):
but that doesn't matter.
But then now your body gets thegets the message.
Oh, she listens to me.
She's on my team.
And we can do that over andover for little things.
Like for me, one of the biggestthings to create self-trust,
there's two rest.
I know it's so hard.
Who's got time for that,Lonnie?
I can work.
I mean, literally client afterclient.
(27:40):
I've been teaching since, youknow, drop my kid off, teaching
since eight this morning.
You know, I'm back to back.
And I still have to have aconversation with myself.
It is okay for me to take amoment and sit.
It doesn't make me wrong orbad.
It doesn't make me lazy.
It doesn't make me all theseother stories that I have been
told, but this is what my bodyneeds right now.
And so that is a big one tocreate that sort of self-trust
(28:04):
is allowing yourself sacredrest.
And then the next one, it'salso very hard,
self-celebration.
Self-celebration is regulationat its finest.
It is rewiring the body,rewiring the nervous system to
say, I matter.
And these are the things thatcreate self-trust in the body.
These are the ways that we canfeel the fear and do it anyway
(28:25):
when we celebrate ourselves andnot just anything like, phew,
you know, I could celebratehaving a good hair day.
I mean, it doesn't matterreally what you're celebrating.
It doesn't have to be big, butwe get in the habit of rewiring.
And now we're looking for allthe good things that are
happening to us.
We're looking for all theglimmers that are happening to
us and not the triggers and notthe things that aren't going
(28:47):
right.
And so those are two thingsthat we have control of that we
can start to work with in ourown body and in our own being
about how to be more seen, howto go after our desires.
Ryann (28:58):
Yeah.
I wonder if this like wholekind of like body loathing thing
that a lot of women from whereI'm standing seem to be going
through or have gone through,right?
Let's say that.
I wonder if that comes from thefact of not, you know, in in my
case, perhaps, and maybe inyour case, like not feeling that
safety.
(29:18):
So of course we're loathing ourbody because it's constantly
sending signals of, you know,danger to our brain.
And it's like, so we're gotwe're like, okay, enough, body.
Like, I'm we're gonna put youin a box and we're gonna shut
you up and we're gonna stoplistening, you know?
And that is like loathing, likethe definition of loathing,
just ignoring.
I mean, it's the same kind ofthing.
(29:39):
I wonder if that's like whereit comes from.
Loni (29:41):
I think it's a mixed bag, right?
Because I think that again,like I've said, I mean, diet
culture, weight loss culture,like all of these things have
taught us the body is bad unlessit looks like XYZ over time.
However, oftentimes when we arein survival mode, we're looking
for control of things.
When things life feels out ofcontrol, we're looking for
(30:02):
control of things.
So we can control the body.
We can control what we eat.
This is a big piece of whereeating disorders come from,
right?
It's not about the foodnecessarily.
It's a control piece.
Um, we can control the body.
Whether this is um in a way,like our brain might say, I'll
(30:22):
use weight loss, for example.
Our brain might say, I want tolose weight, but then we're
doing the opposite becausethere's a safety, like that
extra layer of weight gives usprotection from something else.
So the body is a mechanism thatwe can control.
And when life feels reallychaotic, we as human beings like
(30:43):
routine, we like control, welike that safety.
So we're looking to figure outhow to fill that.
Ryann (30:48):
Do you think emotional eating is an unconscious way of
kind of layering on that extralayer of safety that you just
hinted at?
For most people, yes.
Loni (31:00):
Not everybody.
I mean, that's what was myspecialty for years was
emotional eating and bingeeating.
Um, because people eat for allkinds of emotions, right?
So we eat because we don't wantto feel.
So what we do is we stuff itdown quite literally.
Feelings and emotions come up.
We're like, no, no, no, no, no,let me eat whatever I can, and
(31:22):
I'll stuff that emotion rightback down.
Wait, it's a I'm gonna stuffsomething else back down.
So emotional eating is a bigpiece of not being able to feel
our feelings and to have thateven awareness or understanding
sometimes that that we'refeeling something so big, right
when that happens, we look forsomething.
Oftentimes it's to avoid afeeling, numbing.
(31:44):
So be it alcohol, TV, food,shopping, gambling.
I mean, it could go on, butlike those are the big three.
So, yes, I do think emotionaleating is both a, you know, a
learned behavior from societybecause oh my God, we're
celebrating, we're eating, oh myGod, we're so sad, it's a
funeral, we're eating, you know.
So it's a learned behavior fromsociety, but also it is really
(32:06):
like in nutrition school, therewas the concept, and I won't
digress too far, but a conceptcalled primary foods.
Primary foods are things thatnourish you but don't come on
your a plate.
Love, sunshine, relationships,fulfilling career, you know,
things of that nature.
And when we're fulfilled inthese pieces, we turn to food,
(32:29):
the secondary source ofnourishment, a lot less.
Yep.
So true.
Ryann (32:33):
So true.
Love that.
Okay, let's talk aboutconfidence a little bit.
You said you are special oryou're one of your areas of
expertise, let's say, isbody-led confidence versus
surface level confidence.
What are the differences?
I have an idea, but tell uswhat the difference is between
body-led confidence and surfacelevel confidence.
(32:55):
Okay, great.
I love this question.
Loni (32:57):
Well, I think most of us, myself included, and I will say
it like that, have had surfacelevel confidence most of our
lives.
This is the performative, domore, be better confidence.
This is a fake it till you makeit, you know, vibe.
Okay, so surface levelconfidence isn't bad or wrong
(33:18):
again.
It's just what most of us haveknown because we haven't been
able to tap into anything else.
It's like we're chasingsomething.
And when we get there, we'llfeel confident.
Okay.
It's like validation fromothers or the compliment from
so-and-so, like all of thesethings.
(33:39):
This is how we create surfacelevel confidence, right?
When you get on a scale and thescale says what you want it to,
all of a sudden you feelconfident.
Well, you could have beenconfident AF beforehand, and
then you get on the scale and itdoesn't say what you want.
Now your confidence is gone,right?
So these are surface levelconfidences.
Now, body-led confidence meansit's coming from inside you, as
(34:01):
I would say, in your core,right?
So body-led confidence comesfrom I sound like I'm repeating
safety in the body.
It comes from safety in thebody, it comes from sensation,
it comes from like systematic,like your system's truth.
I know what I know and I knowwhat I know, even when I don't
have proof.
Yeah.
That's body-led confidence.
(34:23):
What feels good to me?
What feels good to me?
And doing what feels good toyou is how we create more
confidence.
Not what I think I should do,what Sally told me to do, you
know, so on and so forth.
What I think if I will do, Iwill feel good.
I want to be clear though thatoftentimes when I say surface
(34:43):
level confidence, I don'tliterally just mean like how you
look, right?
So that's an important piece.
However, if we're breaking itdown pretty simply, the surface
level is on the outside, thebody levels on the inside.
So feels.
Yeah.
Yep.
Ryann (34:58):
I something I think of often in raising my kids is this
intrinsic versus extrinsicmotivation.
So like the star sticker chartversus like my daughter's
picking up a book to readbecause she really wants to,
right?
This paying them to do this,that and whatever versus like
them doing it out of, you know,their own free will or their own
(35:22):
curiosity or their own passion.
And that's what it reminds meof.
You know, like, listen, thereare no guarantees in life.
Like, we're raising our kids,we're doing the best we can.
You know, we we're trying notto swing the pendulum, meaning
like overcorrecting all the shitthat our parents did wrong,
making it like a bubble ofsafety because we grew up so
(35:43):
unsafe, right?
Like, you know, we have to kindof tow this middle line of
neutrality, this equanimity thatyou hinted to earlier.
Um, and that's what I think ofwhen I think of that surface
level confidence versus body-ledconfidence.
Is that intrinsic versusextrinsic motivation?
Loni (35:59):
Oh, you know, I think that we chase dopamine and we never
get into that full like otherhormones, oxytocin and whatever.
We'll get into that in anotherconversation.
But there is this really fineline of feeling the fear, doing
it anyway, which has a littlelevel of that surface level
confidence in it because wedon't have proof yet.
(36:20):
But when we have safety in thebody, we create a confidence
that we don't need proof.
We need potential.
I believe this is possible.
We need possibility, right?
I believe this is possible.
So I have the confidence totry.
And I think it's kind of thesame thing when we're thinking
about parenting too, right?
We want to, we all work offrewards, yes.
(36:41):
And I don't want to only rewardso that you don't have a pull
to do what you want to do.
I want to give you the freedomand the space to say, how does
that feel when you do that?
Does that make you feel good?
Do you feel scared?
Like I use, oh, you're notgonna be able to see it.
I'll show you anyway.
I use this like wheel of feels.
Oh, I love that wheel of one onAmazon.
Yeah, yep.
(37:02):
All the time with my clients.
And it's super helpful tounderstand that.
And I think that those piecesplay a part to help somebody
say, Okay, yeah, I'm scared, butalso that scariness feels like
excitement.
And so I'm gonna follow thatnudge.
I don't need my gold star yet.
I'm gonna follow that nudge,you know?
Yeah, but it's a dance forsure.
(37:22):
And we're moving more and morein the direction of these
dopamine hits and, you know,gamifying and all these pieces
that are coming out for our kidsand for us in all the apps
we're on and stuff.
So we gotta really make surethat we check in with our body,
constantly talking to ourselvesand asking ourselves these
questions because the world willtell us when we're good and
(37:43):
bad.
Ding the gold star, you know.
I mean, yeah.
Ryann (37:47):
It's so true.
It's so true.
And when you were talking, whenyou pulled out the wheel of
feelings, you know, somethingthat I think of is reparenting
ourselves a lot.
And I think ultimately to getto that safety, which is like
the through line, the beautifulthrough line of this
conversation is that we do needto reparent ourselves.
And I started like gentleparenting my children, but still
like talking shit to myselfbehind the scenes.
(38:10):
It's like it doesn't work thatway.
It comes from us first, and wereally need to be that for
ourselves inside.
So if you ask your kid, howdoes that feel for you?
You know, it's like askingourselves, how does that feel
for you?
So think about that.
Everybody out there, whenyou're reparenting yourselves,
because I think we're all onsome path of this journey or
(38:32):
some some point in the path ofreparenting, think about that.
What you would say to your kid.
Say that, say that to yourself.
Loni (38:38):
Yeah.
I mean, that's that'sbeautiful.
And I think that that is one ofthe biggest things that we can
do is lead by example.
Ryann (38:46):
Yeah, it's so true.
Okay, Lonnie, how do we findyour work and follow you and
learn more about everythingyou're doing in the world?
Loni (38:53):
Yeah, awesome, amazing.
Well, for starters, uh, you canfind me on Instagram.
I hang out there pretty often.
It's powerhouse underscore byunderscore Lonnie.
So it's my name, L-O-N I,Powerhouse by Lonnie.
And I have a free Facebookcommunity called Body Love
Rewired, where I do all kinds ofthings all the time.
(39:15):
Like this Friday, for example,I'm doing Ask Me Anything hot
seat coaching.
We get on, I do free coachingfor the hour.
Um, it's been core month allmonth long over there.
So we've done free classesevery month.
We just finished a challenge.
Like, so that all kinds ofthings happen in that group.
And really, it's about rewiringthe body from body shame to
(39:37):
body love.
Because when we are tapped in,tuned in, and turned on by our
own self, our own body,everything changes.
How we show up in our body, inthe bedroom, in the kitchen,
with our kids, you know, like iswith our spouse or in our
relationships, in our business.
Like it all changes when wefeel really sovereign and
connected to who we are at ourcore.
(40:00):
So that's the like biggestpiece of my work.
And yeah, I mean, I have acouple of things that I could
share you and drop you somelinks.
I have a body, uh, it's calledthe body's blueprint.
It's a seven-day DIY littleguide, all somatic nervous
system work to help you doeverything we were talking
about, to help you create thatsafety in the body.
(40:22):
Um yeah.
And I run all kinds of things.
Like my next program's calledPermission to be seen, which is
funny that we you brought thatup earlier.
So that'll happen in September.
But yeah, that's all my stuff.
Amazing.
So follow me, you'll see itall.
Ryann (40:34):
Perfect.
Okay, we're gonna link all thatdown below too.
So go down there, followLonnie, and yes, get in her
orbit because I love the workyou're doing in the world.
This is, I always say it, theripple effect is real.
Like, peace begins with me, youknow, like you're you're
starting that ripple effect andit's beautiful.
So thank you.
Now I'm gonna ask you, yeah,the three questions I ask
(40:54):
everybody at the end of theinterview, kind of rapid fire
style.
And the first one is what'sbringing you joy today?
My business is bringing me joytoday.
Loni (41:02):
Being able to have this conversation and like nothing
gives me more joy than knowingthat I can help somebody change
the relationship to their body.
I mean, truly fuels the shitout of me.
Ryann (41:15):
Love it.
Amazing.
The next question I have foryou is what if anything, are you
reading?
Loni (41:21):
I am reading um There's No Bad Parts right now, which is
I'm studying IFS, which isinternal family systems and it's
parts work.
So I'm reading no bad parts.
It's fascinating.
Um, nerding out on it, butyeah.
Ryann (41:34):
The last question I have for you is who or what has
taught you the most?
Loni (41:38):
Who or what has taught me the most?
Grief.
Wow.
Yeah, exactly.
Ryann (41:43):
Yeah.
Loni (41:44):
Grief has taught me the most.
Ryann (41:45):
I just interviewed a grief expert yesterday, and her
episode aired a couple weeksbefore yours.
And we dive into that.
And I Yeah, well, I can't waitto listen then.
Yeah, it's so good.
Loni (41:56):
Feelings are your teachers.
And for me, I've had a lot ofloss in my life, loss of both my
parents.
I mean, without getting intothe whole thing, but grief um
has definitely been my biggestteacher, my greatest teacher, to
be honest.
Ryann (42:10):
Yeah, what a gift.
Thank you so much for thisconversation and your presence
in the world and your work andeverything.
Loni (42:16):
Yeah, thank you for having me.
This was so fun.
We have been conditioned to believe our bellies are
supposed to be a certain way.
If we look this, we will be X,Y, and Z.
My worth is connected to anumber on the scale or what my,
you know, genes look like orwhatever.
So it is not your fault youfelt that way in middle school.
It is unfortunately what wehave been conditioned to believe
(00:20):
and to be taught.
And you get the beautiful jobof now raising two girls to
completely change that.
Dismantle that conditioning.
Ryann (01:12):
She's got nearly two decades of experience helping
women live and thrive in a bodythat love.
Lonnie guides her clients toreconnect with their bodies,
regulate their nervous systems,and create a deep mind-belly
connection.
Her work focuses on the bellyas the body's competent, helping
women to tap into theiremotional, physical, and
(01:32):
energetic core to find truealignment and body-led
confidence.
Yes.
This conversation, as to beexpected, as you hear in
Lonnie's bio, is so powerful.
We talk about dismantling shameat the core.
We talk about body image andwhy so many of us grow up hating
(01:56):
our bellies and bodies.
We talk about leaning intoneutrality instead of the good
or the bad of life.
And of course, we talk aboutfeeling your feelings.
One of my favorite things totalk about emotional
intelligence.
So this conversation is really,really powerful.
This is even like a listentwice conversation.
(02:19):
Lonnie's experience combinedwith her messaging, combined
with her wisdom and livedexperience, is so valuable.
So I know you guys are gonnajust gonna get so much out of
this conversation.
I know that I did.
Um, so let's just jump into myconversation with Lani Markman.
Hi, Lani.
(02:40):
Welcome to the Raising WildHearts podcast.
Hi, thanks for having me.
Yeah, of course.
So I'm really excited.
And as I was preparing for thisinterview, I Googled the word
core.
I wanted to know thedefinition.
And one of the definitions ofthe word core, get this.
The central innermost or mostessential part of anything.
(03:03):
Yes.
Right?
Yeah.
And so I was like, well, thisis the perfect place to kick it
off because we're gonna get tothe central innermost or most
essential part of I wouldventure to say life, I would
venture to say personaldevelopment, being a human, even
right, if we want to even makeit that broad.
So, what's your take on thatdefinition of core from where
(03:24):
you're standing?
Well, I think wherever youfound that definition of core,
they really nailed it.
Loni (03:29):
Yeah.
You know, I my work is centeredaround the core.
And I always talk about how itis literally the center of our
being and our doing.
It is who we are, how we move,how we show up, how we connect
to ourselves, our intuition, ourhigher power, how we birth our
babies, how we birth our books.
Like you name it, it happenswithin our belly.
(03:53):
I have been teaching Pilatesfor two decades now, and we call
it the powerhouse.
So literally, it's the placewhere you house your power.
Okay.
So in Pilates, it's not justthe belly, it's shoulder to
shoulder, shoulder to hip, hipto hip, hip to shoulder.
So it includes when I work withpeople energetically too.
(04:15):
We're talking about your heartspace, your sacral, your solar
plex, your root, like really bigenergy happens there from a
nutrition perspective, becausethat was my background.
This is really, you know, thisis your second brain, right?
Your gut.
So we digest so much stuff thathappens in our core, not just
(04:38):
on our plate, but off our plate.
So for me, the core isliterally the center of it all.
We don't make a move.
Our limbs don't move withouttapping into the power of our of
our of our core in Pilates,right?
We don't take forward action inlife without tapping into the
power of the core on youreveryday, your core values, your
(05:00):
core beliefs, the core of whoyou are, your self-trust, like
all of the things.
So I'm a little passionateabout this.
Um, yeah.
So I love that.
I love that question.
Ryann (05:12):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I was also thinking about myrelationship with my belly and
my stomach.
And I was pretty young.
I mean, I'm really sad to sayat this point, I was pretty
young when I started likestarted hating.
I I don't even want to eat.
That's such a strong word, butreally disliking my belly.
(05:35):
And remember, like, you know,just, I mean, God, I was
probably only like middleschool, maybe younger, when I
started feeling like, oh,there's a role.
I don't want anyone to see mybelly covering up.
Like, what a sad thing.
Cause I see my girls who areeight and ten, and I'm like,
girl, that's like, that's yourentire power.
(05:59):
You know, like you said, thepowerhouse.
Like that is your being.
That is the center of you.
And so I really trying to modelthat as a 42-year-old woman and
re-falling in love with mybelly after having three kids is
like, holy shit.
So let's talk about falling inlove with our bellies, Lonnie.
Loni (06:20):
Shame, shoulds.
All of these pieces of whatyou're talking about.
We have been conditioned tobelieve our bellies are supposed
to be a certain way.
If we look this, we will be X,Y, and Z.
My worth is connected to anumber on the scale or what my
you know genes look like orwhatever.
So it is not your fault youfelt that way in middle school.
(06:41):
It is unfortunately what wehave been conditioned to believe
and to be taught.
And you get the beautiful jobof now raising two girls to
completely change that,dismantle that conditioning.
So, yes, right?
Yes, yes, yes.
This, if anything, you takeaway anything from this, who's
ever listening, that this is theend goal, that we are breaking
(07:04):
these generational traumas andthese societal conditionings.
So our next generation can showup better than we did.
Yeah.
Right.
And that has a lot to do withbody love.
And there's a lot of shouldsand shames that happen around
the belly and around the bellyin motherhood.
I worked with fertilitycoaching for a long time.
It was a big piece of mynutrition world.
(07:26):
And everyone be like, I'mgetting fat, or I wish I could
get my body back to where itwas, you know.
And these are things thatreally always upset me because
you're pregnant, you're not fat,right?
Not that we call ourselves fatanyway.
That's a whole nother podcast.
But and we don't go backwards,right?
You have, you said three kids,three kids.
Your body's not going to looklike it did before then.
(07:47):
And it's not supposed to,doesn't mean it can't be strong
and beautiful and sovereign andall of these other beautiful
pieces that come with having asacred relationship to your
core.
We just have to work on ourpermission to let go of the
shoulds, to let go of the shamethat's been conditioned to us.
So these stories aren't ours.
And I'm gonna ask you andeveryone listening to this to
(08:10):
ask yourself, what have youbelieved along the way that
you've been told and thought wasgospel that's not actually
yours?
Ryann (08:18):
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell you right nowbecause when you said shame, I
immediately had likerecognition.
It was like, yep.
Like I just felt a yes when yousaid the word shame.
And for me, I was taughtessentially and like explicitly
and not explicitly to be seenand not heard, not to voice my
(08:40):
questions, not to ex, you know,uh command a room.
Not, you know, I was kind oftold like, get smaller, be
smaller, be quieter, don't askwhy, don't argue with me, don't,
don't, don't, don't, don't,don't, don't.
Yeah.
And so of course, I then didn'twant to, you know, have the
(09:02):
center of my power be clear.
Loni (09:05):
And I went, yep.
Yeah, you went inward.
I know you can't see me on thepodcast, but you your shoulders
shrunk, your belly went in, andyou went down.
You literally started to shrinkin all the ways.
I mean, I'm teaching amasterclass next week called
Louder.
And that's what it's about.
It's about, you know, you know,if you want to say like
standing taller in your purpose,in your body, with your belly
(09:27):
to be seen, to be celebrated, tobe heard, to be loud in your
truth, right?
So you're touching on my workright here, so big.
Um and that is the message alot of us have gotten over time,
no matter how it looks like.
And maybe there's even a voicein your head where you're like,
okay, that was my mom who toldme that, or that was my
(09:48):
grandfather, or that was teacherSally in fifth grade or
whatever, you know, like you caneven take it back to those
memories about that's where Iremember the first time someone
told me that.
And then that message wasrepeated over time.
And that's where the magic ofthe work comes in.
Because you asked me, how do Ifall, how do I fall in love with
my belly?
That's a big statement.
(10:09):
Okay.
A, we start with that awarenessand understanding of how we
feel about our belly right now.
And then where, what, who,when, all the other pieces have
shaped this relationship alongthe way.
Like for me, one of the thingsthat shaped my relationship is
when I was in my early 20s, Iwas bloated all the time.
(10:31):
Like I lived in New York Cityand people would give up their
subway seat for me.
Like that's how bloated Ilooked.
I looked six months pregnant.
And, you know, I wasn'tmarried, wasn't thinking of
babies.
Like I was like, oh my God, Iwas so ashamed and so
embarrassed.
And that's some of what got meon this journey into nutrition
and then down this path.
Because as I was working withwomen, whether it was weight
(10:52):
loss, infertility, eatingdisorders, I've done a whole
bunch of things with nutrition,the same thing was true.
They were disconnected fromtheir body, especially their
belly.
So I share this because this isthe first step to really start
asking hand on heart, hand onbelly, how do I feel?
What does it feel like to touchmy belly?
You know, so we start to haveconversation and create
(11:14):
relationship with.
And then we remember we are nottrying to go from zero to 60.
We are not going from, I'mgonna use the word you used
before, like I hate or havedisdain for my belly, to I'm
falling in love with my belly.
That's a freaking big leap.
So I teach what's called thelaw of neutrality, neutrality.
(11:36):
I do a lot of nervous systemwork.
This is nervous system safety.
We titrate you there, littlesmall steps, right?
Okay.
So think about it as a pendulumand we're here at hate and we
want to be fall in love.
We're gonna find our way toneutral first.
We're gonna love what is.
We're gonna be with, seeourselves, respect ourselves
(11:59):
here before we can go to fall inlove.
Uh-huh.
And so many of us skip thisstep.
We're like, I should be here.
Another should.
And now I'm just shoulding allover myself, right?
And should happens, shamehappens.
Okay.
So we're wanting to be here,we're here, and it's so hard
because we're just we're goingtoo far.
(12:20):
Like, we're not gonna go from,you know, wanting to lose 100
pounds.
We got to lose 10 pounds first.
It's the same thing in creatingthat relationship to the body,
creating that connection withthe belly.
So to fall in love with yourbelly is I don't know if it's
ever fully possible, to behonest.
Okay.
It's a big statement for many.
(12:42):
You can fall, I'm, you know,almost 50.
So perimenopausal, right?
Like I'm relearning to lovethis new belly.
Yeah, there was baby belly, andthen there was, you know, now
there's this belly.
And it's different and it'sbeautiful, but it's a new
relationship I'm creating.
Yeah.
(13:03):
And so I just want to takefalling in love with a little
bit off the table to learn tosee what is, to love what is
first.
And then we could go into thatbigger realm of emotion that
comes with falling in love, ifthat makes sense.
Absolutely.
Ryann (13:22):
So, something that's been coming up lately on this
podcast is a fear or worry offeeling our emotions and perhaps
certain challenging emotions.
So, in your work, how are youseeing fear play a part of women
blocking their core strength orcore power?
Loni (13:42):
Okay, so the the question is really about how do we show
up anyway when there's fear?
So, feelings are information.
They are not wrong or bad.
They do not make you good orbad.
Feelings are feelings.
We have also been taught to notfeel.
I will never forget, this isprobably about 20 years ago.
(14:06):
My one of my first mentors hadsaid to me, You got to feel your
feelings, to feel it to healit.
And I was like, What?
That's ridiculous.
Who wants to do that?
And it's such a processbecause, in order for us, so
when we talk about nervoussystem work, a lot of the time
we talk about regulation.
Regulating your nervous systemis a beautiful, they're
(14:26):
beautiful tools to regulate yournervous system.
My goal with my clients is notto regulate, it's to rewire.
Okay.
I say this because a lot of thetimes we use regulation tools
as bypassing.
I don't want to feel saidfeeling.
So I'm going to shake it out,I'm going to tap, I'm going to
dance, I'm going to do whateverregulation tool, yoga, breath
(14:49):
work, whatever.
So I don't have to feel thatfeeling.
Okay, I get it.
Not wrong or bad, but we're notgoing to transmute that emotion
unless we feel it.
So it goes back to what, youknow, my mentor said years ago,
you gotta feel it to heal it.
And how that relates to thecore is really, I'm gonna take
that back to how it relates tothe body in general, not just to
(15:11):
the core, right?
Because we hold emotions in ourbody, a lot in our belly, some
in our hip, in our jaw.
You know, there's other partsof the body.
So I don't want to just say thebelly because if it's not, if
you're not finding that emotionin your belly, I don't want you
to think that it's not living inyour body somewhere.
So the first thing is to,again, you create that
(15:32):
relationship.
Like, how do you sit withfeeling something?
Where are you feeling it inyour body?
What does it feel like?
Can you be with that feelingfor 30 seconds before you
regulate out of it?
Can you be with that feelingfor a minute before you regulate
out of it?
And then we go from there.
Okay.
And so that's a big piece ofthe titration.
(15:53):
That's a big piece of kind ofthat feeling the fear and doing
it anyway, you know, motto thatit really has truth in it, but
it's not just about pushingthrough, it's about feeling it.
So you're really connected towhy am I feeling this fear?
What's coming up for me?
And on the other side of fearis excitement.
(16:13):
So we have both at the sametime and we get to hold both at
the same time.
I'm gonna stop there for asecond.
I'm not even sure if I answeredyour question.
Ryann (16:22):
You absolutely did.
Yes, yes.
And, you know, I think of theword or the phrase gut feeling.
Like we say that in ourculture, but we don't
necessarily like embody it.
Like we say, like, what's yourgut feeling?
But we use our brain and ourmind to like analyze the shit
out of ourselves, you know?
(16:44):
And so, you know, I asked thisquestion to almost everybody,
right?
In one way or another, is like,how do we learn how to feel a
feeling?
Do we have to, like, for me,it's like power in the paws.
Like, you have to slow thefrick down, you know.
I'm like a need for speed kindof a gal.
And I just like speed throughit all.
And then all of a sudden I'mballing crying like puddle on
(17:07):
the floor.
And it's like, well, no wonder,babe.
Like, come on.
So let's let's break that downeven more.
How do we feel?
Gut feelings, where'd that allcome from?
Loni (17:17):
Totally.
Well, first of all, I love thepower of the pause.
I think that is such animportant piece.
We are constantly going, andlife is slifing and chaotic, and
it it goes that way.
And so to train our bodies toallow for a pause is such a
beautiful gift to give yourself.
And that will truly help usunderstand how to feel our
(17:38):
feelings.
I think the idea with the gutfeeling of why it's kind of
called that is because, youknow, there's so many nerves in
the belly and they're connectedto your vagus nerve, which is
I'll just say it's like thedirect system to your brain and
belly, the vagus nerve.
And so that's where kind oflike that gut feeling comes in.
(18:01):
And when we start to createthese relationships to our
ourselves by asking thosequestions, how do I feel?
Is it safe for me to feel thisright now?
Orienting yourself around theroom.
Okay, three things I see, youknow, two things I hear,
something I can feel on my skin,we start to create some safety
(18:22):
in the moment.
And we are not gonna be ableto, you're not gonna be able to
tap into your feelings,especially like gut feelings,
aka intuition.
So we're not answering from ahead, but we're answering really
from heart, soul, coreconnection place when we don't
have safety in the body.
And safety in the body is apractice, it is a learned
(18:44):
experience.
It is a practice we willpractice ongoing.
And so the power of the pauseis a perfect piece of that
because what we do is we pausethe noise.
Yeah.
Ryann (18:54):
And I have all the chatter, yeah, Lani, too,
because this is gonna help frameit.
I was born into a very unsafeenvironment.
So I didn't actually have thatlike that baseline of safety,
like starting at birth.
And so I had three decades ofmy life where I numbed.
And if you would have said, Oh,there's power in the paws to me
(19:15):
in my early 20s, I would havetaken a shot of tequila and told
you to fuck off.
Like because I couldn't.
I spent my 25th birthday barhopping by myself, falling
asleep in a vomit, uh, in apuddle of my own vomit.
I mean, and that's somethingI've been reflecting on lately
because I'm like, oh my God,like you, you poor thing.
(19:36):
You don't know.
You don't know what you don'tknow.
Right.
And so I think, like, for me,you said titration.
It was these very small, likevery, you know, methodical ways
of like, you know, baby stepforward, three steps back,
little step forward, 10 stepsback, forward, back, forward,
back.
So I call them micro.
(19:57):
I call them yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So let's like, what's a micromoment that's instead of like
the power of the pause?
Because now I'm like zen, I'mlike a decade into myself.
I'm like, oh, I got this.
I know.
Loni (20:10):
But power of the pause can be a micro moment.
That's how I teach it.
So for example, we all wake upin the morning, you know, that's
our goal.
We wake up in the morning, takea moment.
Yeah, take one little pausethere.
Yeah.
Before you pop up, before youturn on a phone, before you make
breakfast for your kids, beforeany of that, hand on heart,
hand on belly, one deep breathinto the body.
(20:30):
Maybe even saying how you wantto feel for the day.
I want to feel energized.
I want to feel awakened.
I want to feel peaceful, likewhatever it is.
That's that's it.
Power of the pause.
One tiny tiny moment, fiveseconds.
Yep.
Then I don't know.
I drink coffee, maybe you drinktea, whatever.
I have my mug.
I call them mug moments.
You grab your mug, you takeanother breath, you drink your
(20:50):
coffee.
That's another power of thepause.
We are not talking about, girl,I have never meditated on a
mountain for two hours.
Do you know what I mean?
Like this is not how lifeworks.
Yeah.
I don't even do it for 20minutes.
I do three minutes here, fiveminutes here, and I do tons of
different sort of momentswithin.
They're not meditation, butthey're meditative enough to me
(21:12):
in my nervous system to quietthe noise so I could hear
myself.
Yeah.
So I could be with myself.
Ryann (21:18):
What was the catalyst for you to allow yourself to feel
your stuff, to allow yourself toheal, to allow yourself to
realize that you were whole?
Loni (21:28):
Like what was the catalyst for you?
Wow.
I don't think there was one,there's many.
And they happen over time askind of like as what you were
saying.
I also grew up in anenvironment that wasn't that
safe and partied a lot.
I mean, there's so many likesimilarities in that sense,
right?
So I was on survival mode,gosh, probably until my 40s
without even knowing it fully.
Ryann (21:47):
Yeah.
Loni (21:48):
Okay.
And so there were differentmoments where I focused and paid
attention to different things.
There was a period of time inmy early 20s when I don't know,
it's just so random.
I was driving in New York andaround the BQE, there was a
billboard and it was like somegirl in a bikini for Jamaica ad.
And I was like, I could nevergo to Jamaica.
I don't like my body, blah,blah, blah.
(22:09):
And I started having this wholeconversation.
And then I was just like, inthat moment, I was like, how
much time do I spend dislikingmy body?
And what could I do with thattime if I started to really
reframe that into self-respect?
Ryann (22:24):
Yeah.
Loni (22:24):
And so in that moment, my relationship to my body started
to come on board.
And that was my first moment offinding safety within myself.
Ryann (22:33):
Yeah.
Loni (22:34):
Okay.
So one catalyst, catalyst in acertain area, right?
And then, you know, my mompassing when I was in my 30s,
that was another catalyst for meto start.
So there've been differentpieces over time.
It doesn't have to be one bigthing, but they've all stacked.
And then when I got divorced afew years ago, that was another
(22:55):
huge piece for me to really stepinto an identity that I didn't
know.
I was with someone for 26years, right?
So it's like now here's a bigcatalyst.
So there's not one answer tothat.
There's many, and they're allbeautiful moments of growth and
of self-check-in and of, youknow, doing the work because
(23:18):
this work is a process andyou're on a journey.
It is not meant to be aone-and-done.
There's not a one size fits allapproach.
And that's why, like in theseconversations and who the people
that listen to your podcasts,they can pick out the one thing
that works for them each time.
And now they have their owntoolbox because what works for
me might not work for you, Ryan.
You know what I mean?
Like, and that's the beauty ofbeing human.
(23:39):
Yeah.
Take what you need and leavethe rest, right?
Ryann (23:42):
Yeah, exactly.
So what would you tell a womanwho's on the path to trusting
her hunger?
And I don't just mean food,like desire, depth, like hunger
for.
Loni (23:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that there's a hugepiece of working through the
stories that have been stuck inyour body.
I kind of already touched onthis, but in order to really
step into that power, thatdesire, that permission for
pleasure and joy and bigness,there has to be safety in the
(24:17):
body.
So to me, safety is everything.
Creating that safety iseverything.
And those safeties happen inthose small moments where you
get to be with you.
This is a journey.
You are the longestrelationship you will ever have.
You are with you all thefreaking time.
Ryann (24:33):
And you're gonna die with just you, might I add.
I my 98-year-old grandma justdied.
And I was like, She was just,yeah, thank you.
But I just one of the things Ikept thinking of was like, it
was just her.
It was, it was just her.
Nobody did it for her.
Nobody was there telling likeit was her.
Loni (24:50):
And she was so I want you to treat your life like a love
story.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
This is you with you.
Yeah.
Not you against how you wereyesterday, being better than
before.
Sure.
I love that.
Okay, yes.
And this is you with you.
This is you for you.
This is this relationship wherewe're working together.
(25:13):
And so I mean, that's why Ilove this neurosomatic work that
I do, because we get the brainand the body to become friends.
And we do that by asking simplesometimes questions to the
body.
My favorite way to answer yourquestion, my favorite way to
allow yourself to get into yourown spotlight, hand on heart,
(25:34):
hand on belly.
What does my body need today?
What is she asking of me?
And then listening.
So we can ask the question, butnow we want to listen.
And we want to listen not justwith our ears and our brain.
We want to listen with ourwhole body because our body
doesn't speak in sound.
It doesn't know English.
(25:55):
It doesn't speak like that.
It speaks in sensation.
So what comes up for you whenthis happens?
Butterflies, tension,softening, warmth.
Like, did you get cold?
Like, you know, did you getchills?
Like what is happening in yourbody as well is also the message
you want to learn to listen to.
Ryann (26:14):
Yeah.
Good.
You start to trust yourself.
Like I was like doing aninterview before this, and my
feet were cold.
And I was like, well, honey,just go get yourself some socks
then.
And it's like, what a sweetlittle thing I just did for
myself.
Like a former version of mewould have been like ignoring
it, like not even knowing thatmy feet are cold.
How fucking crazy does thatsound?
But like that's exactly truefor me.
Loni (26:36):
Exactly.
And so when we ask ourselvesthe question, we create this
connection to ourselves that wematter and we're talking to
ourselves.
It's important.
And then when we listen, weagain we're taking out the noise
of the other people, theshoulds and all the stories and
the the information we'regetting from other people
(26:57):
constantly.
And we can start to tap in,tune in to our own body's
language and what our bodyneeds.
And then when we actually dothe thing, like your perfect
example of like my feet werecold, my body's telling me my
feet are cold.
I am gonna listen to what whatmy feet are telling me, whether
we could talk about more of whatthat might mean or not mean,
(27:18):
but that doesn't matter.
But then now your body gets thegets the message.
Oh, she listens to me.
She's on my team.
And we can do that over andover for little things.
Like for me, one of the biggestthings to create self-trust,
there's two rest.
I know it's so hard.
Who's got time for that,Lonnie?
I can work.
I mean, literally client afterclient.
(27:40):
I've been teaching since, youknow, drop my kid off, teaching
since eight this morning.
You know, I'm back to back.
And I still have to have aconversation with myself.
It is okay for me to take amoment and sit.
It doesn't make me wrong orbad.
It doesn't make me lazy.
It doesn't make me all theseother stories that I have been
told, but this is what my bodyneeds right now.
And so that is a big one tocreate that sort of self-trust
(28:04):
is allowing yourself sacredrest.
And then the next one, it'salso very hard,
self-celebration.
Self-celebration is regulationat its finest.
It is rewiring the body,rewiring the nervous system to
say, I matter.
And these are the things thatcreate self-trust in the body.
These are the ways that we canfeel the fear and do it anyway
(28:25):
when we celebrate ourselves andnot just anything like, phew,
you know, I could celebratehaving a good hair day.
I mean, it doesn't matterreally what you're celebrating.
It doesn't have to be big, butwe get in the habit of rewiring.
And now we're looking for allthe good things that are
happening to us.
We're looking for all theglimmers that are happening to
us and not the triggers and notthe things that aren't going
(28:47):
right.
And so those are two thingsthat we have control of that we
can start to work with in ourown body and in our own being
about how to be more seen, howto go after our desires.
Ryann (28:58):
Yeah.
I wonder if this like wholekind of like body loathing thing
that a lot of women from whereI'm standing seem to be going
through or have gone through,right?
Let's say that.
I wonder if that comes from thefact of not, you know, in in my
case, perhaps, and maybe inyour case, like not feeling that
safety.
(29:18):
So of course we're loathing ourbody because it's constantly
sending signals of, you know,danger to our brain.
And it's like, so we're gotwe're like, okay, enough, body.
Like, I'm we're gonna put youin a box and we're gonna shut
you up and we're gonna stoplistening, you know?
And that is like loathing, likethe definition of loathing,
just ignoring.
I mean, it's the same kind ofthing.
(29:39):
I wonder if that's like whereit comes from.
Loni (29:41):
I think it's a mixed bag, right?
Because I think that again,like I've said, I mean, diet
culture, weight loss culture,like all of these things have
taught us the body is bad unlessit looks like XYZ over time.
However, oftentimes when we arein survival mode, we're looking
for control of things.
When things life feels out ofcontrol, we're looking for
(30:02):
control of things.
So we can control the body.
We can control what we eat.
This is a big piece of whereeating disorders come from,
right?
It's not about the foodnecessarily.
It's a control piece.
Um, we can control the body.
Whether this is um in a way,like our brain might say, I'll
(30:22):
use weight loss, for example.
Our brain might say, I want tolose weight, but then we're
doing the opposite becausethere's a safety, like that
extra layer of weight gives usprotection from something else.
So the body is a mechanism thatwe can control.
And when life feels reallychaotic, we as human beings like
(30:43):
routine, we like control, welike that safety.
So we're looking to figure outhow to fill that.
Ryann (30:48):
Do you think emotional eating is an unconscious way of
kind of layering on that extralayer of safety that you just
hinted at?
For most people, yes.
Loni (31:00):
Not everybody.
I mean, that's what was myspecialty for years was
emotional eating and bingeeating.
Um, because people eat for allkinds of emotions, right?
So we eat because we don't wantto feel.
So what we do is we stuff itdown quite literally.
Feelings and emotions come up.
We're like, no, no, no, no, no,let me eat whatever I can, and
(31:22):
I'll stuff that emotion rightback down.
Wait, it's a I'm gonna stuffsomething else back down.
So emotional eating is a bigpiece of not being able to feel
our feelings and to have thateven awareness or understanding
sometimes that that we'refeeling something so big, right
when that happens, we look forsomething.
Oftentimes it's to avoid afeeling, numbing.
(31:44):
So be it alcohol, TV, food,shopping, gambling.
I mean, it could go on, butlike those are the big three.
So, yes, I do think emotionaleating is both a, you know, a
learned behavior from societybecause oh my God, we're
celebrating, we're eating, oh myGod, we're so sad, it's a
funeral, we're eating, you know.
So it's a learned behavior fromsociety, but also it is really
(32:06):
like in nutrition school, therewas the concept, and I won't
digress too far, but a conceptcalled primary foods.
Primary foods are things thatnourish you but don't come on
your a plate.
Love, sunshine, relationships,fulfilling career, you know,
things of that nature.
And when we're fulfilled inthese pieces, we turn to food,
(32:29):
the secondary source ofnourishment, a lot less.
Yep.
So true.
Ryann (32:33):
So true.
Love that.
Okay, let's talk aboutconfidence a little bit.
You said you are special oryou're one of your areas of
expertise, let's say, isbody-led confidence versus
surface level confidence.
What are the differences?
I have an idea, but tell uswhat the difference is between
body-led confidence and surfacelevel confidence.
(32:55):
Okay, great.
I love this question.
Loni (32:57):
Well, I think most of us, myself included, and I will say
it like that, have had surfacelevel confidence most of our
lives.
This is the performative, domore, be better confidence.
This is a fake it till you makeit, you know, vibe.
Okay, so surface levelconfidence isn't bad or wrong
(33:18):
again.
It's just what most of us haveknown because we haven't been
able to tap into anything else.
It's like we're chasingsomething.
And when we get there, we'llfeel confident.
Okay.
It's like validation fromothers or the compliment from
so-and-so, like all of thesethings.
(33:39):
This is how we create surfacelevel confidence, right?
When you get on a scale and thescale says what you want it to,
all of a sudden you feelconfident.
Well, you could have beenconfident AF beforehand, and
then you get on the scale and itdoesn't say what you want.
Now your confidence is gone,right?
So these are surface levelconfidences.
Now, body-led confidence meansit's coming from inside you, as
(34:01):
I would say, in your core,right?
So body-led confidence comesfrom I sound like I'm repeating
safety in the body.
It comes from safety in thebody, it comes from sensation,
it comes from like systematic,like your system's truth.
I know what I know and I knowwhat I know, even when I don't
have proof.
Yeah.
That's body-led confidence.
(34:23):
What feels good to me?
What feels good to me?
And doing what feels good toyou is how we create more
confidence.
Not what I think I should do,what Sally told me to do, you
know, so on and so forth.
What I think if I will do, Iwill feel good.
I want to be clear though thatoftentimes when I say surface
(34:43):
level confidence, I don'tliterally just mean like how you
look, right?
So that's an important piece.
However, if we're breaking itdown pretty simply, the surface
level is on the outside, thebody levels on the inside.
So feels.
Yeah.
Yep.
Ryann (34:58):
I something I think of often in raising my kids is this
intrinsic versus extrinsicmotivation.
So like the star sticker chartversus like my daughter's
picking up a book to readbecause she really wants to,
right?
This paying them to do this,that and whatever versus like
them doing it out of, you know,their own free will or their own
(35:22):
curiosity or their own passion.
And that's what it reminds meof.
You know, like, listen, thereare no guarantees in life.
Like, we're raising our kids,we're doing the best we can.
You know, we we're trying notto swing the pendulum, meaning
like overcorrecting all the shitthat our parents did wrong,
making it like a bubble ofsafety because we grew up so
(35:43):
unsafe, right?
Like, you know, we have to kindof tow this middle line of
neutrality, this equanimity thatyou hinted to earlier.
Um, and that's what I think ofwhen I think of that surface
level confidence versus body-ledconfidence.
Is that intrinsic versusextrinsic motivation?
Loni (35:59):
Oh, you know, I think that we chase dopamine and we never
get into that full like otherhormones, oxytocin and whatever.
We'll get into that in anotherconversation.
But there is this really fineline of feeling the fear, doing
it anyway, which has a littlelevel of that surface level
confidence in it because wedon't have proof yet.
(36:20):
But when we have safety in thebody, we create a confidence
that we don't need proof.
We need potential.
I believe this is possible.
We need possibility, right?
I believe this is possible.
So I have the confidence totry.
And I think it's kind of thesame thing when we're thinking
about parenting too, right?
We want to, we all work offrewards, yes.
(36:41):
And I don't want to only rewardso that you don't have a pull
to do what you want to do.
I want to give you the freedomand the space to say, how does
that feel when you do that?
Does that make you feel good?
Do you feel scared?
Like I use, oh, you're notgonna be able to see it.
I'll show you anyway.
I use this like wheel of feels.
Oh, I love that wheel of one onAmazon.
Yeah, yep.
(37:02):
All the time with my clients.
And it's super helpful tounderstand that.
And I think that those piecesplay a part to help somebody
say, Okay, yeah, I'm scared, butalso that scariness feels like
excitement.
And so I'm gonna follow thatnudge.
I don't need my gold star yet.
I'm gonna follow that nudge,you know?
Yeah, but it's a dance forsure.
(37:22):
And we're moving more and morein the direction of these
dopamine hits and, you know,gamifying and all these pieces
that are coming out for our kidsand for us in all the apps
we're on and stuff.
So we gotta really make surethat we check in with our body,
constantly talking to ourselvesand asking ourselves these
questions because the world willtell us when we're good and
(37:43):
bad.
Ding the gold star, you know.
I mean, yeah.
Ryann (37:47):
It's so true.
It's so true.
And when you were talking, whenyou pulled out the wheel of
feelings, you know, somethingthat I think of is reparenting
ourselves a lot.
And I think ultimately to getto that safety, which is like
the through line, the beautifulthrough line of this
conversation is that we do needto reparent ourselves.
And I started like gentleparenting my children, but still
like talking shit to myselfbehind the scenes.
(38:10):
It's like it doesn't work thatway.
It comes from us first, and wereally need to be that for
ourselves inside.
So if you ask your kid, howdoes that feel for you?
You know, it's like askingourselves, how does that feel
for you?
So think about that.
Everybody out there, whenyou're reparenting yourselves,
because I think we're all onsome path of this journey or
(38:32):
some some point in the path ofreparenting, think about that.
What you would say to your kid.
Say that, say that to yourself.
Loni (38:38):
Yeah.
I mean, that's that'sbeautiful.
And I think that that is one ofthe biggest things that we can
do is lead by example.
Ryann (38:46):
Yeah, it's so true.
Okay, Lonnie, how do we findyour work and follow you and
learn more about everythingyou're doing in the world?
Loni (38:53):
Yeah, awesome, amazing.
Well, for starters, uh, you canfind me on Instagram.
I hang out there pretty often.
It's powerhouse underscore byunderscore Lonnie.
So it's my name, L-O-N I,Powerhouse by Lonnie.
And I have a free Facebookcommunity called Body Love
Rewired, where I do all kinds ofthings all the time.
(39:15):
Like this Friday, for example,I'm doing Ask Me Anything hot
seat coaching.
We get on, I do free coachingfor the hour.
Um, it's been core month allmonth long over there.
So we've done free classesevery month.
We just finished a challenge.
Like, so that all kinds ofthings happen in that group.
And really, it's about rewiringthe body from body shame to
(39:37):
body love.
Because when we are tapped in,tuned in, and turned on by our
own self, our own body,everything changes.
How we show up in our body, inthe bedroom, in the kitchen,
with our kids, you know, like iswith our spouse or in our
relationships, in our business.
Like it all changes when wefeel really sovereign and
connected to who we are at ourcore.
(40:00):
So that's the like biggestpiece of my work.
And yeah, I mean, I have acouple of things that I could
share you and drop you somelinks.
I have a body, uh, it's calledthe body's blueprint.
It's a seven-day DIY littleguide, all somatic nervous
system work to help you doeverything we were talking
about, to help you create thatsafety in the body.
(40:22):
Um yeah.
And I run all kinds of things.
Like my next program's calledPermission to be seen, which is
funny that we you brought thatup earlier.
So that'll happen in September.
But yeah, that's all my stuff.
Amazing.
So follow me, you'll see itall.
Ryann (40:34):
Perfect.
Okay, we're gonna link all thatdown below too.
So go down there, followLonnie, and yes, get in her
orbit because I love the workyou're doing in the world.
This is, I always say it, theripple effect is real.
Like, peace begins with me, youknow, like you're you're
starting that ripple effect andit's beautiful.
So thank you.
Now I'm gonna ask you, yeah,the three questions I ask
(40:54):
everybody at the end of theinterview, kind of rapid fire
style.
And the first one is what'sbringing you joy today?
My business is bringing me joytoday.
Loni (41:02):
Being able to have this conversation and like nothing
gives me more joy than knowingthat I can help somebody change
the relationship to their body.
I mean, truly fuels the shitout of me.
Ryann (41:15):
Love it.
Amazing.
The next question I have foryou is what if anything, are you
reading?
Loni (41:21):
I am reading um There's No Bad Parts right now, which is
I'm studying IFS, which isinternal family systems and it's
parts work.
So I'm reading no bad parts.
It's fascinating.
Um, nerding out on it, butyeah.
Ryann (41:34):
The last question I have for you is who or what has
taught you the most?
Loni (41:38):
Who or what has taught me the most?
Grief.
Wow.
Yeah, exactly.
Ryann (41:43):
Yeah.
Loni (41:44):
Grief has taught me the most.
Ryann (41:45):
I just interviewed a grief expert yesterday, and her
episode aired a couple weeksbefore yours.
And we dive into that.
And I Yeah, well, I can't waitto listen then.
Yeah, it's so good.
Loni (41:56):
Feelings are your teachers.
And for me, I've had a lot ofloss in my life, loss of both my
parents.
I mean, without getting intothe whole thing, but grief um
has definitely been my biggestteacher, my greatest teacher, to
be honest.
Ryann (42:10):
Yeah, what a gift.
Thank you so much for thisconversation and your presence
in the world and your work andeverything.
Loni (42:16):
Yeah, thank you for having me.
This was so fun.
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