Choose Your Own Adventure: Raunchy Treasure Hunt part 1

Join us in this week's episode to hear everyone but your producer get trashed! In this episode we try our hand at a sexy treasure hunt and somehow can't seem to find any sexy?? Please send us book recs and follow us on our socials @theRPHpodcast https://linktr.ee/raunchypowerhour

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to The Raunchy Power Hour, a book club for discussing romance from the erotic

(00:05):
to the erroneous.
As always, this is an explicit podcast and contains strong language, adult themes, and
sexual content.
If you are sensitive to these things, we urge you calmly but sincerely to turn off your
radio now.
This month, we are adventuring!
Or at least choosing our own adventures.
So go ahead and grab a snack and a drink unless you're driving.

(00:27):
Please, dear God.
I'm your producer Ashlyn.
I'm player one Sydney.
And I'm that one dickhead at your game of Monopoly that you play with your family and
then the significant other that you bring in to see how they vibe and mesh with your

(00:49):
family through the game and try so hard to win that he's literally cheating.
And by God, he wants Boardwalk Avenue and he has and he's going to tax you regardless
of being your partner in crime and you're going to have an explosive argument about
in the car right home and you're never going to see each other again.
And get ready to get raunchy, I guess.

(01:12):
Ladies, I have a question for both of you.
Oh, good question.
If you were at a metaphorical crossroads between a harlequin romance, we're talking like shirtless
Fabio, right?

(01:33):
Very heterosexual.
Very missionary, but very hot.
And the dirtiest, most degenerate watt pad porn that you can even fathom in your worst
nightmares with like some random like one slur ask fictional character.

(01:58):
Which would you choose?
The only thing that's coming into my head is I know which one you would choose because
I know your type.
For legal purposes, Lauren has never been into the one slur and never will be.

(02:23):
I'm not hard to believe.
Actually would say I'm more into short kings and maybe that's called growth.
Maybe that's my frontal lobe developing.
I think I see here's my debate in my head.

(02:49):
Do I want to go for boring like missionary that's like it's still hot because you know
guys very attractive or do I want to go on a little you could say sexual adventure?
And you know what, while I'm sitting here, I've quartered myself into a decision and

(03:13):
that is knowing you'll probably have mediocre sex for the rest of your life.
So why not go have a story and go to the one.
See I would choose the normal Harlequin Fabio missionary and Lauren will drag me kicking

(03:35):
and screaming the other way.
That's very true.
Because I'm a good friend and I want you to live life to the fullest.
You got to do for the plot, honestly.
Some may say only live once where.

(03:57):
No, I'm a month rusty.
Mommy has a little book in a month.
If you're mommy, what does that make me?
God.
Daddy, I'm looking at me, Daddy.

(04:22):
Oh Lord.
In less than a year, I've gone from your beta to your God.
How does that work?
You know, life is not.
Anyway, life is not.

(04:43):
All right, bye everyone.
That was a great recording.
See you guys in August.
Yeah, see you.
Oh, can I give Lauren a dictionary and she's going to learn how to speak again and then
we'll reconvene.
We actually have to do that before every episode.

(05:07):
I actually wear mouth tape 24 7 between recording episodes so that I can use my brain power
to osmosis all the vocabulary I hear in my waking life so that I could pretend to be
a functioning human for this.
Well, adventures today, we're choosing our own adventure.

(05:27):
We're going to read Adventures of the Aviatrix by who's it by Kalista Hawks.
I'm so excited to choose my own sexy, sexy adventure.
That's all I wanted and choose your own adventure books.
It is.

(05:48):
Yeah, I'm excited to finally say that I metaphorically joined the Mile High Club metaphorically, though.
Only of course, I don't care what I have to do.
I will drink four shots of liquor knowing I have work in the morning if it means I get
to to act out that scene.

(06:11):
Oh, I mean, oh, I thought this was metaphorical.
Oh, theater of the mind, theater of the mind.
OK, OK, OK.
Explain the rules for us, would you, God?

(06:36):
The rules are as what Lauren is trying not to laugh into her drink right now.
The rules are as follows.
Both Sydney and Lauren have a D20 that they will roll each time there's a choice.
The person with the higher roll gets to make the choice.
The person with the lower roll has to drink.
If either of them crit fail, get a one or crit success, get a 20.

(07:01):
I have to drink.
Does everyone understand?
I hope everyone who's D&D fans and romance books fans are here in the audience tonight.
That's all I have to say.
And our choices narratively are determined by who holds who rolls shit, who rolls the
highest.

(07:21):
Is that correct?
Yes.
So you can sabotage each other, I suppose.
I don't know how we would sabotage each other.
I know how I'm going to start.
I should have picked my weighted dice.

(07:42):
Yeah, I have no way to determine if you guys are cheating or not.
So be good.
I'm going to roll a bunch of nat 20s and then be like, I don't know what's happening.
Oh Lord.
Okay.
Is everyone prepared?

(08:02):
Ready to go?
I've got my drink.
I've got my 20.
Let's go.
Oh yeah.
What are we drinking tonight?
Oh, I'm doing my tried and true mango cart.
Delicious.
That's all I have to say about it.
It's very good.
I'm going to go with the air traffic control here.
I'm drinking rum and cola specifically with rum that was distilled in Barbados.

(08:30):
You want to say where?
It's not Pride Month anymore.
Oh, yeah, true.
I forgot we can't be gay unless it's true.
It's Mount Gay Distillery for anyone who is a connoisseur.

(08:50):
I have a watermelon punch Jack Daniels.
Beautiful.
Ready, kids?
As all everybody.
Yay, captain.
I can't hear you.
Yes, you did.
Minimize this very white screen, hopefully.

(09:20):
The rough-hewn floorboards creak underfoot as you cross the bar.
Bar might be overselling the joint.
It's more like a beachside shack, but it serves liquor and affords a fantastic view of the
setting sun over the Caribbean Sea.
Barbados, currently?
Possibly?
A good place to unwind after a long day.

(09:41):
Ignoring the lecherous glances of several of the men, you make your way to the bar.
You know most of them pretty well now, and they're harmless enough.
As you reach the bar, the bartender is already pouring you a glass of rum and slides it across
to you.
You nod in thanks and raise your glass to your lips.
Well, darling, what's a sweet thing like you doing in a place like this?

(10:06):
The man next to you slurs.
You cast him a sideways glance.
Thick set with a crumpled oil-stained shirt, unshaven and unkempt with tattoos on both
of his forearms.
A sailor, by the looks of him.
Probably one of the big Atlantic freighters.
You wrinkle your nose, the smell of drink on his breath, strong and overpowering.
Looks like he's been spending most of his shore leave staring at the bottom of a beer

(10:29):
glass.
I was just asking myself the same thing, you reply dryly, turning back to your drink.
But then I remembered it's the pleasure of meeting fine gentlemen like yourself that
keeps me coming back.
Huh?
He replies.
You glance at him, watching as the cogs slowly turn and the penny finally drops.
Now listen here, missy, he growls, ain't no call for that.

(10:53):
You take a breath and wonder if you were perhaps a little harsh.
Perhaps not, you admit.
I'm just not much in the mood for company right now.
Suit yourself, sister, he replies.
And then you feel his hand grasp your right buttock.
Would you like to let it slide or to punch him?

(11:15):
Go for the roll.
All right, roll for initiative.
Well, who's who's picking who?
You get to choose.
No, I think we roll and then and then.
Oh, I'm a higher roll win.
So true, Pookie.
I dropped.

(11:36):
So hold on.
I'm listening to Copa Cabana in the background.
OK, what'd you get?
I got a six.
I got a ten.
Damn.
OK, Lauren, would you like to let it slide or to punch him?
Of course I would like to punch him.

(11:57):
Of course you would.
Why wouldn't you?
Of course.
You turn and smash the fist into his jaw.
The sailor's head rocks back and he staggers away before stumbling to the floor.
The dive erupts in spontaneous laughter.
Bitch, he snarls, scrambling back to his feet, his face bright red.

(12:19):
You deserved that, mister.
The bartender tells him the tone of his voice of warning.
You can't go grabbing the butts of any broad you please, let alone this one.
I've seen her.
I mean, I don't know.
Any broads, but you see.
This slip of a girl, the drunk guffaws before the sincere nods of several of the drinkers

(12:42):
cause his smile to fade and he glances back at you.
I apologize if I offended you, ma'am, he mumbles.
Just came in for a few drinks is all.
You nod and watch as he slinks off to the far end of the bar.
As you reach for your glass of rum, you notice a man in a beige colored suit cross the bar
towards you.
He's a good looking tall drink of water, though his uncertain glances around the bar

(13:07):
and the way he fans himself with his Panama hat suggests he hasn't been on the island
for months.
Good evening, ma'am.
He grins.
So how you handled yourself?
You have to do transatlantic accent accent for him.
Thinking that I got it.
Wait, can you send us more voice lines?
Oh, wait, I think I can share it with you.

(13:30):
Please hold.
I think I can actually share it with you pretty quickly.
Yeah, we should definitely do some voice voice act.
Yeah, we need to give you some voices.
I'll I'll take voices.
That'll be fun.
Pulled up here.
Share my screen for you both.

(13:51):
You're good.
Beautiful.
I got it.
I got to look up my transatlantic accent reference.
Can you guys see it?
Yes.
Oh, well, no.
OK, wait.
Whiskey.
You say it like that.

(14:14):
They talk.
Whiskey.
I don't think they put it in a sound already drunk.
Please hold.
See if I can get this to go the way I want it to.
Why can't I just save it?
Oh, I can't just save it.
I'm stupid.
If if he comes, I shall retire from bed.

(14:37):
All right, we're ready.
Oh, my Lauren.
There we go.
OK, Cabana.
Oh, I went too far.
I went too far.
OK, I'm going to end up signing Peter Griffin from Family Guy.

(14:58):
Almost certainly.
Oh, so I'm fixing it.
I'm fixing it.
I was making it so I could click because before I couldn't click.
Oh, how's that?
Good.
I'm ready.
OK, so we we are here.

(15:19):
Good evening, ma'am.
He grins.
Saw how you handled yourself there.
Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of you, miss.
Sydney, would you like to be our main?
Oh, I should be the main character, shouldn't I?
Oh, actually, you're reading everything else, so I don't mind being the main character.
Oh, go for it.

(15:40):
Blake.
You reply with a polite, though guarded smile.
Elise.
Thank you for giving me the name because I was supposed to say Elsie.
Elsie.
Elise Blake.
Blake.
I said Blake.
Pleasure to meet you, miss Blake.

(16:09):
He grins, extending his hand.
You warily shake it.
My name's Noah Wheatley and I have a business proposition that may be of interest.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
You reply.
He nods to the bartender who pours two glasses of rum.
We'll do drink rum straight.

(16:30):
These fuckers.
Yep.
Oh, wait.
Oh.
Wait, what is my accent then?
What is my accent then?
Apparently we bought them a transatlantic accent.
Sorry, we're reading ahead, guys.
Your accent.
He comments, raising the glass to his lips.

(16:56):
I can't quite place it.
I'm going to start doing that guy from the other guy from Family Guy where it's like,
I can't quite place it.
Almost American, but not quite English, Irish perhaps.
I'm trying to think of a transatlantic accent too.

(17:17):
It's really hard.
I was born in England.
No, that's definitely not it.
That was so southern.
It was very Gone with the Wind.
I was born in England.
I was born in England.
I can just do very Midwestern if we would like.
She's from Chicago.
She's from Chicago.

(17:38):
I was born in England, but moved to Chicago in my teens.
You reply.
I guess my accent's a bit of a mid-Atlantic mismatch.
Ah, like Cary Grant, the movie star.
He smiles.
So?

(18:00):
You chuckle.
If I live on an island much longer, I'll probably pick up the West Indian twang to go with it.
So, what can I do for you?
I'm going into southern.
I can't help it.
What can I do for you, Mr. Wheatley?

(18:22):
Please toots, call me Noah.
The accents are all over the place.
For the listeners, Lauren has been ad-libbing half of her lines, just so you know.
I'm getting its character.
He replies before nodding to the twin-engine Grumman goose moored at the end of the jetty
outside the bar.

(18:43):
The burnt orange of the sunset reflects off the silver hull as it gently bobs on the waves
rolling in.
Understands it.
You own and operate that little seaplane outside.
You heard right.
I'm just going to go into sexy lady and just hope for the best.
Do that.
I think that'll work.
Yeah.

(19:04):
Here, let me try that again.
You heard right.
Good.
Good.
You nod.
Good.
Oh.
I jump the head, toots.
Good.
Good.
Good.
I'm dying.
Are we the Italian mafia?
It's slipping into that.
Very Al Capone.

(19:25):
Very, very.
Good.
I'd like to hire you.
I'd like to hire you.
He tells you, setting his glass down.
First thing tomorrow, if possible.
What was that?
That was hummoken.
Oh my God.

(19:59):
We're really pausing for dramatic effect.
Oh, yeah.
Will Elise choose?
Oh, I guess that depends, Mr. Wheatley.
You reply.
What's the job?
Please.
Oh, fuck.

(20:20):
Can Noah read my mind?
Please call me Noah.
He smiles.
Oh, see, he is in New York.

(20:41):
OK, here we go.
I'm on the island.
Let's do it.
I'm an archaeologist working for the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
I've got a lead on a culturally significant find, and I believe it's to be found on the
western peninsula of this island.
You frown, thinking of the remote, uninhabited spit of land on the far side of the island.

(21:03):
Epipom trees and sand.
I have to hold my hand like this.
I have to do this while I'm talking.
It looks like I have a cigarette.
I've just got my hand popped out and I have to do it.
You reply, sipping on the rum.

(21:26):
You sure you've got your facts right?
I think so.
He replies, glancing cautiously about him before reaching into the inside pocket of
his jacket.
He carefully pulls out an ancient looking yellowy brown parchment before slowly unfolding
it, a map with an outline of an island drawn on it.

(21:50):
While crude, the unfamiliar shape is mistakenly this very island.
As you lean over to examine it, Noah quickly folds it away and slips it back into his pocket.
He smiles.
Don't want you looking too closely before you take the job.

(22:10):
What are we looking for?
You tell him, your voice low.
Buried treasure.
Perhaps it's a particular relic that interests me.
To do that again.
I could not hear you.
Perhaps, but it's a particular relic that interests me.

(22:31):
Noah tells you.
A compass.
Not valuable in itself, but something that would be of historical importance and a valued
exhibit in the museum.
I just need to get there.
Where I come in, huh?
You nod.
Yes.
He says, look at you up and down.

(22:54):
You and your little seaplane.
He grins.
Of the added little apple in every line.
From the air, I will be able to see the exact location shown on the map and you will be
well paid.
How does a thousand dollars sound?
You whistle, which I can't do.

(23:16):
So just imagine I can.
Woo.
Sounds just swell.
You reply before your eyes narrow suspiciously.
And you have the money.
Not in cash.
He winces.

(23:37):
But I could have it wired to you as soon as the job is complete.
What do you say, Miss Blake?
Do we have a deal?
Ladies, please roll.
Rollies.
Okay, Lauren, what'd you get since you won last time?

(23:58):
Eleven, twits.
I got twelve.
Wow.
Refuse that job.
Do it.
Would you like to take the job or refuse?
I would like to see what happens when we refuse the job.
It just says end of story.

(24:19):
I'm not a bank pal.
You reply coolly.
I can't extend you a line of credit.
I've got bills to pay, same as everyone else.
I appreciate that.
Noah replies.
I can't carry that sort of money around on my person, but I'm good for it.

(24:41):
I promise you.
He adds sincerely.
And if it makes you feel any better, I can hold on to the artifact until you get paid.
Please Miss Blake, I really need you and your plane.
Roll ladies.
Oh, that's not good.

(25:01):
Got a five.
Sixteen.
Alright.
Lauren, would you like to take the job this time or continue to refuse?
Well, you know what they say out in New York.
What do they say?
You never turn down an offer when it comes knocking.
We're going to take that job.

(25:24):
OK, this is everyone who's never been to New York.
I've driven through it many times.
Our whole New York population is just no longer going to be listening after this.
I'm sorry, New Yorkers.
I love you.
Your traffic sucks ass, though.

(25:45):
Yeah, it does.
And so do your airports and your toll booths.
Basically, just saying their whole state sucks, but OK.
Your countryside doesn't.
Just the infrastructure.
You know, it's correct.

(26:08):
A thousand bucks will keep you flying for months.
Besides, if you hold on to the collateral until he pays, there's no risk of him reneging
on the deal.
OK, you sigh.
The compass, if it even exists.
Is mine until I get paid.
Hold on.

(26:31):
I'm looking up old jazz music to get into character.
Oh my God.
Please hold.
Lauren, if this whole other if your day job is on, I really think you have a thing for
acting.
Oh, yeah.
Voice acting for sure.
Thanks.
I've been told I do really good impressions.
How do you do better or worse?

(26:54):
I was about to say, Lauren, I hate to tell you, people may have been lying to you.
They're not your real friends.
No, you haven't.
You haven't seen me in my element.
I can't do access, but I can do people.
OK, old jazzy romantic calm is the name of this playlist.
The subtitle is like a smoking parlor.
Beautiful.

(27:15):
Excellent.
Beautiful.
I'm trying to listen to a transatlantic accent.
Agreed.
He flashes you a grin and extends his hand.
You shake it before reaching for your glass and drinking the last of your rum.
On the jetty tomorrow morning at eight o'clock sharp.

(27:39):
You tell him turning to leave.
And call me Elise.
I'm just going to change his accent.
Go ahead.
Great.
No, no.
See you tomorrow, Elise.

(28:01):
The next morning, you pull on your leather flying jacket and a fedora hat and stroll
down the beach.
You are like, fuck.
I'm aware.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I have to show you this.
This is what you look like.
Say.
It's giving porno.

(28:21):
I'm sorry.
I like your French tip nails and your white tank top.
I also love my 21st century tank top that I'm just wearing.
Oh, God.
Go back to where we were now.
OK, now I feel like he's got a receding hairline, like he can't be as hot as.

(28:42):
As you step onto the jetty, you notice Noah casually leaning against a stack of crates
with a cigarette smoldering in the corner of his mouth.
Morning Miss Elise.
He smiles, flicking the cigarette away.
I've been admiring your airplane.

(29:03):
She's a beauty.
We've been through a lot together.
You reply.
I'm going back into it.
I kind of dig it.
I did too.
Southern sexy is working.
I won't lie.
And she's got to have a little vocal fry because I mean, look at the way she's dressed.

(29:25):
I just feel like frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn right now.
I love it.
It's perfect.
You reply affectionately patting the silver fuselage.
The last years of prohibition, I used to fly a crate of whiskey from Canada down to Chicago

(29:47):
for the DeBrusso family.
I bought liquor for the mob.
A bootlicker for the mob, huh?
He remarks, raising an eyebrow.
Sounds like quite a life you've led.

(30:09):
I've guessed so.
You reply, pulling open a low hatch in the tail of the plane.
After you.
You gesture inside.
Noah steps through and you follow him inside.
Closing the hatch behind you, you walk through the small cabin and into the cockpit.
Noah is already sitting down in the co-pilot seat and you slide into the pilot seat next
to him.

(30:30):
You switch on the ignition and the engines fire with a puff of exhaust smoke.
The propellers rapidly spinning up.
Grasping the yoke with one hand, you reach up to throttle levers overhead and ease them
forward.
The drone of the engines grow louder and the airplane moves away from the jetty.
And I've never seen a takeoff from the cock pit before.

(30:58):
Noah comments leaning forward and peering out of the window.
Kinda like having the best seat in the house.
You nod, concentrating on the instrumentation dials before you as the hull cuts through
the waves.
Pulling the yoke back towards you, the nose rises into the air and the Caribbean Sea drops
away beneath you as you climb into the sky.

(31:21):
Swinging the plane around in a wide loop back towards the island, you glance across at Noah.
What about this compass we're looking for?
You ask him.
Is it made out of gold and encrusted with diamonds or something?

(31:41):
Upson.
He replies cajoling.
Keeping your cards close to your chest there, pal.
You comment, cocking an eyebrow.
The compass alone is virtually worthless, but what it can lead to is absolutely priceless.

(32:04):
He tells you.
Men have hunted for it, killed for it for centuries.
I don't know how to break this to you, Mack.
But compasses all tend to point the same way.
You smirk, meeting his gaze.
He smiles enigmatically before turning away and peering out of the side window of the

(32:27):
cockpit.
You shrug glancing ahead of you as you fly parallel to the coastline.
Roll.
Okay.
Oh.
Ashlyn?
Yes, what'd you get?
He got a drink.
That's a nat one.
Yeah.

(32:48):
I got a seven.
Lauren, would you like to ask Noah about himself or ask him about the map?
I got enough fuckers from.
Oh, yes.
The monologue I've been waiting for.
Oh, no.

(33:09):
So tell me about yourself.
You glance across at Noah.
How'd you end up looking for ancient relics?
Oh, I'm so glad you asked, Tuts.
I've always been fascinated.
I've always been fascinated by history.

(33:30):
He replies.
I grew up in a whole bookie with my nose in a book reading about the ancient Greeks.
The Roman Empire, Egypt and the pharaoh's European history and so on.
I went on to Brown University and did a degree in history.

(33:53):
Okay.
When it opened in as a field archaeologist with a Metropolitan Museum came up, it was
an excellent fit.
I've traveled to digs in ancient sites all around the world.
You've led quite a life yourself.
You remark.

(34:14):
I guess so.
He says noncomitally.
Let me guess.
You grin.
You're married to a librarian or teacher or something with a couple of equally bookish
kids back home.
Girl, be more subtle.

(34:37):
No, no, not married.
He replies.
Guess I haven't found the right broad yet.
Oh, God.
I'm sure there's a perfect bookworm out there for you somewhere.
You smirk.

(34:58):
You always mock your customers.
He retorts his eyes hardening.
Feel like I struck a nerve there, champ.
You chuckle.
Sorry.
You add sincerely.
Didn't mean to offend.
Roll.
16.

(35:18):
What?
Another six.
Damn.
Would you like to ask him about the map or concentrate on your flying?
You know, I feel like I've offended the man.

(35:43):
I think we've pressed a few too many buttons.
Let's concentrate on the flying.
We don't need to know the important parts of the mission.
No, don't.
You turn your attention back to your flying, guiding the plane around the cloud-capped
peak of the dormant volcano that forms the center of the island.

(36:04):
Its slopes covered in dense, impenetrable rainforest.
As you reach the far side of the island, the narrow peninsula extending out into the azure
waters of the Caribbean Sea, Noah pulls the map from his pocket and studies it before
gazing out of the window at the coastline below.
That's it.
He tells you excitedly, jabbing his finger on the ancient parchment.

(36:28):
That steep rocky section of coastline now just ahead of us.
Can you hear me?
Can hear you.
Now I can.
Okay.
I'll take us down.
You tell him, swinging the plane around in a wide loop as you begin your descent.

(36:51):
Noah's eyes remain fixed on the craggy cliff face protruding out of the spray of the breaking
waves as they crash against its base.
Straightening up parallel with the peninsula, you ease back the throttle and extend the
flaps.
You glance at the instruments with satisfaction as the airspeed quickly drops.
Landing.

(37:12):
Again.
Brace for landing.
You warn him as you guide the plane down towards the undulating surface beneath you.
The underside of the fuselage skips over the waves before sea water splashes up around
you.
Droplet showering the cockpit windows as you land.
The plane swiftly slows and you swing the rudder to one side and open up the throttle

(37:36):
as you guide her towards the beach.
With the plane securely beached, you swing open the nose hatch, athletically vaulting
up out of it and jumping down, your feet sinking slightly into the damp sand.
You comment, glancing at the dense tree line of the palm trees at the top of the beach

(37:56):
as Noah clambers down to join you, hoisting a pack over his shoulder and onto his back.
We'll see.
You shrug, mopping your brow with the sleeve of your jacket before pulling on your hat

(38:24):
and striding along the beach towards the cliff.
As Noah walks beside you, you both leave a trail of footprints in the flawless white
sand.
As you reach the imposing rocky cliffs, Noah pulls out the map and carefully unfolds it.
The map gives the location and somewhere behind the

(39:06):
cliff face.
Noah murmurs, gazing down at the piece of ancient parchment.
That man cannot murmur to save his life with this axe, so I don't know how to speak quietly.

(39:27):
You echo.
Yes, it looks like there must be a cavern of some kind.
He replies, I don't want to burst your bubble, pal, but I'm not seeing any openings into
that cliff face.
Oh, shit.

(39:48):
You guys are welcome.
You're welcome.
You tell you tell him silently cursing yourself for not insisting on the thousand bucks up
front.
There must be, he insists, squinting at the craggy rock face.

(40:10):
No matter how long he stares at it, you can both clearly see that there are no yawning
cave mouths or even the narrowest of cracks.
You won't be the first man to be lured by an old map and the promise of untold riches.

(40:31):
You tell him gently, reaching out and squeezing his arm.
Let's get back on the plane.
You can buy me a rum and we'll call it even with this wild goose chase.
Eh?
Eh?
I don't know how to do eh in this sexy voice.
Eh.
Eh.
Very Canadian.
Oi.

(40:51):
Eh?
No!
Noah replies forcefully, twisting his arm out of your grasp.
Is here!
I know it!
The opening might be below the water line or perhaps down from above.

(41:13):
We can't give up yet.
Please, Miss Blake, I'm begging you toots!
These eyes look pleadingly into yours.
I guess I have much else to do.
You sigh.
Thank you, Eliza.
I mean, Elise.

(41:33):
Does it know your name?
Grins.
I love that.
You want to try below the water line or hike to the top of the cliff?
Roll.
Let's see.
Please.
This one feels like the first choice of consequences, potentially.
Yeah.
I got a 10.

(41:53):
I got a 12.
You do it.
Sydney, would you like to go for a swim or hike to the top?
See here's my reasoning.
I think going for a swim would give us a wet t-shirt thing and I think might lead us to
a erotica scene.
So I'm more inclined to go for a swim.
I love you.

(42:17):
It's a nice day for a dip.
You shrug.
Yes, it is, baby.
Casting off your hat and jacket and kicking off your shoes.
While you are tempted to strip down to your underwear, you don't know Noah well enough
to do that.
Besides, your shirt and shorts are lightweight enough for swimming.
Noah has also stripped to his shirt and shorts.

(42:40):
His pack and neatly folded clothes are sitting next to the untidy pile of your own garments.
He rummages into his pack for a moment before turning to you.
Here.
He passes you a narrow black cylinder.
It's a flashlight.
A what?
He's about to say something like you said flash light instead of a flashlight.

(43:03):
You heard me.
He tells you.
Really?
You reply, the word dripping with sarcasm.
It's lightweight and smaller than the usual ones I get busy with back in Hoboken.

(43:25):
Noah replies defensively, glancing at another in his own hand.
And it's waterproof.
With a grudging nod, you step into the surf and wade out into the calm Caribbean sea.
I'm gonna keep saying Caribbean instead of Caribbean.

(43:46):
Oh my god.
I'm gonna put ocean sounds on.
Oh god.
As soon as the beach drops away and you begin to swim towards the base of the cliff, dipping
your head beneath the water, you both search for any sign of an opening.
I think I could see something.

(44:08):
Noah calls out as his head breaks through the water.
His dark hair soaked and flattened against his head.
He points towards your left and swums purposely towards it.
You follow as he dives back beneath the surface.
You do likewise.
Sure enough, there is a dark shadowy opening just below the water line.
You both switch on your flashlights and propel yourselves through the opening and into the

(44:32):
mysterious darkness beyond.
The narrow rocky tunnel seems to continue deep into the cliff.
The flashlight beams barely pierce the inky black darkness ahead.
As you propel yourselves deeper, you wonder how much longer you can hold your breath.
Too far and you will not have enough to turn back before you run out of air.
Noah seems determined to continue, his legs propelling himself forward ahead of you.

(44:53):
While he seems certain, you are less so and wonder if you should turn back before it's
too late.
Please roll.
Oh, I'm gonna kill Noah.
Oh.
Okay, Noah.
We don't know him well enough yet.
Okay.
I rolled 11.

(45:13):
I also rolled 11.
What do we do?
I don't know.
I think this could happen.
Everybody drink.
Everybody drink.
Everybody drink.
And I think Lauren and I have to come to the same conclusion.
Discuss.
All right.

(45:34):
We're open to discuss.
Can you guys hear the frog having a stroke outside my window?
No, can't actually.
Okay.
Perfect.
Cool.
It's very loud.
Oh my God.
Sorry.
Go ahead, discuss.
If you should, keep going.
Hey, Ashlyn, I don't think that's a frog outside your window.
I believe that is a demon and I think you need an exorcist.

(45:57):
It'll be fine tonight, right?
Yeah, maybe.
It could be the frog either being a demon or is having like the best sex of his life.
It's one or the other.
Yeesh.
If he's having the best sex of his life, it's against the window.
Get it.
Yeah, you go, Mr. Frog.
Anyway, Lauren, where are you leaning towards?

(46:19):
Because I'm thinking let's keep going.
I was thinking let's go back.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Why do you?
I want to.
Okay.
Let's both try to persuade the other into our way of thinking.
What is your, why do you want to turn back?
I was actually, fun Lauren, Laura.
There should be a jingle for that.

(46:40):
Lauren, Laura time as a child, my dad read many Choose Your Own Adventure stories to
me for bedtime and which basically he inadvertently taught me fuck around to find out.
And I feel like there are many Choose Your Own Adventure stories like this, which present

(47:02):
you a clear option of uncertainty.
And it's a high risk mid reward.
And I'm thinking if we go down this tunnel, we're going to die.
It's going to be like, start over.
What are you thinking?
I was thinking we could just start over and it'd be fine.

(47:23):
We could just come back here.
Do the turn back.
I'm committed to the adventure.
Here's the tea.
If we die, we have to swap voices and do different accents.
I dig it.
Because they're new characters.
Deal.

(47:44):
Shake on it.
Let's keep going.
Okay, we're going to keep going.
Okay.
Yep.
Noah from Hoboken.
Against your better judgment, you decide to continue to follow Noah and hope there's
air ahead.
The only light is the dancing beams of your flashlights as you swim onward.

(48:04):
Your lungs are on fire and it takes all your willpower to stop the impulse to inhale and
gulp down seawater.
Knowing you are only moments away from drowning panic threatens to overwhelm you.
Finally, you see the shimmering surface of the water overhead with the last reserves
of your strength kick up powerfully towards it.
You break the surface and take in a deep rasping breath before taking out your ire on the equally

(48:28):
breathless Noah.
Oh my god.
His eyes widen at both the ferocity and imagination of the savage vitriol you hurl his way.
Sorry, had a feeling this was it, Isoul.
He shrugs, pulling himself up onto a ledge.
You try that again, pal.

(48:51):
The only feeling you'll have is an agonizing throb where your balls used to be.
You snarl, pulling yourself up beside him.
You ever just look at yourself and you're like, I look like Coconut Head from Mexican
Fuck.
You know, you know how I know Lauren's drunk when she is three inches from the camera and

(49:19):
says, you ever just look at yourself?
Because I feel like this happens every tipsy panic night.
No.
No, dude.
He smirks as his gaze momentarily flicks towards your chest.

(49:43):
You are suddenly very aware of the soaked and now almost transparent fabric of your
shirt cleaning snugly to your body.
Dude, you're eating this.
Hands up, buster.
You growl.
He flashes you a rueful grin and shines his flashlight around.
You are in a narrow passageway, a natural cave by the looks of it, carved out by millennia

(50:08):
of the waves undercutting the cliff, perhaps.
You continue a little further until the cave forks ahead.
Me, Lauren and I are laughing because we're just sending stuff in the chat.

(50:32):
Sorry.
I'm sorry, listeners.
I'm having to deal with them too.
I've never been more funny than when I'm drunk.
That's what every mediocre white guy says.
Listeners, I sent a gift of coconut head from me as a classifier.

(50:55):
He gets hit by a funfetti cannon and he falls backwards in a caption at me when he comes.
No.
Is that what it was captioned?
I didn't see the caption.
That's why I was typing so hard.
Lauren, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Lauren, I don't think you wrote that.
You didn't write that.
Oh yeah, you did.

(51:16):
I did.
I so did.
Never mind.
I just can't read.
Yo, map, say anything about this?
You ask no.
Your temper cooling as quickly as it flared up.
He reaches into a pocket and carefully withdraws it from his sealed waterproof pouch.
After a moment of deliberation, he slowly shakes his head.

(51:39):
No guess is as good as mine.
He replied sheepishly before pointing excitedly ahead.
But look.
His torch reflects back off something hanging from the wall of the left hand passage.
A lantern, ancient and caked with grime, hangs from a rusty hook set into the cave wall.

(52:01):
Looks like the pirates used the passage.
As you move towards it, you can feel the air stirring in the right hand passage.
The air seems fresher that way.
Roll.
Sorry.
It just burnt.
You did.
We all heard it, Lauren.

(52:21):
Lauren, roll.
I'm looking for a good give.
No, Lauren.
You got a lip in for me.
Lauren, roll.
Where are we at this episode even?

(52:42):
It's a nine.
So I'm choosing.
We've been recording for an hour to the minute and half of that was all our technical issues
in the beginning.
Oh my god.
Lauren is trashed.
Sydney, would you like to go left into the passage that has the lanterns or right into
the passage with the fresh air?

(53:03):
I mean, I think if we go left, that's going to be probably more where buried treasure
is.
Lauren's losing it.
So let's go left because I don't think right is correct.
Left is okay.
Looks like this is the room.
You nod, following Noah inside.

(53:25):
He reaches for the lantern and examines it in the glow of his flashlight.
I'm crying.
I'm sorry.
I haven't left this art in years.

(54:07):
He muses.
Get it together.
We need our method actor.
Oh, I'm blocking it.

(54:31):
I wish this was a bit.
I really wish it was.
Okay.
The time frame is consistent.
Yes, this was the way to hide.

(54:55):
You're the expert.
You following him further along the passage.
As you pass more lanterns, Noah quickens his pace, his excitement getting the better of

(55:19):
him.
You call as he hurries ahead, disappearing around a bend into the winding passage.
As you follow him, you scream.
Shock and horror echoes along the narrow cave.
Noah's eyes bulge out at you in disbelief, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly.

(55:41):
A thick spear has pierced the side of his neck and lifted him off the ground, his feet
dangling beneath him.
The spear seems to have sprung from a hidden aperture in the cavern wall, no doubt triggered
by some ancient mechanism.
As you watch Noah's body goes limp and his eyes rolling back, you turn and dash back
down the passageway, desperate to leave this awful subterranean wall hall behind.

(56:06):
Panic overwhelms you and you fail to consider that perhaps you have already passed other
traps that you both avoided by sheer dumb luck.
You are not so lucky on your headlong flight back through the winding passage.
You hear the sound of something clicking a split second before you feel the ground give
way beneath your feet.
A trap door with a dozen spikes awaiting beneath.

(56:27):
Mercifully, death is instant.
The end.
Or we can go back a few moments and rethink your actions.
I love that we went...
I love that we did the fast version in which there was no sex involved.
None.
It's erotic and all we got was a boob look.

(56:49):
We only got the wet t-shirt contest.
What?
So what choice did we make that put us in the booby trap hallway?
Sydney went left.
Yeah, so I think going right would make more sense.
So you're gonna go right and you are switching characters now.
Oh no!

(57:11):
Yes we are!
Oh, and wasn't there something about drinking?
Everyone drinks if we die?
Was that a rule?
I don't think that was a rule but that's a rule now.
I'm gonna miss you Hoboken.
You were cool.
Don't worry!
Oh wait, no, I have to do a different accent now, don't I?

(57:37):
I mean you can do whatever accent you want.
I thought we were changing accents.
Just swapping accents.
Got it.
Just swapping.
Oh.
You can change it if you'd like to but it was swapping accents.
Swapping characters, swapping accents.
Okay.
I'm looking up a reference.

(58:01):
Oh my god.
I wasn't referencing enough.
It's a long episode to edit, isn't it?
Alright I'm ready.
Well you begin my love.
You start sweetie.
Alright.
You're no longer Noah.

(58:21):
Oh I don't know.
What the fuck?
You reply.
It's kinda musty that way and fresh on the right.
Well if we're doing different accents I'm doing a different accent.
I'm not doing Hoboken, Noah anymore.

(58:42):
Do a different one.
I don't know if I can do it consistently so I'm trying to think.
We're drunk.
Expectations are on the floor.
You know I'm not drunk.
You guys are rolling really crapily.
Oh.
Volts don't normally smell musty.

(59:05):
Are we both doing this weird Scottish Irish?
I was trying to do Canadian.
Canadians low and slow.
Oh true.
Low and slow.
I needed to hear.
I needed to hear.
Nope.
It's gone once you stopped talking.

(59:28):
Think of the moose from Brother Bear.
It's really low and slow.
Volts don't hear it often smell musty.
Low and slow.
Low and slow.
I just can't do it.
Oh don't you know.
Oh don't you know.
I can't.
Volts no doubt.
Often.
Smell musty.

(59:58):
There we go.
No one points out.
We're gonna try something else for no one a little bit.
We'll figure it out.
Okay.
No something tears off.
You continue.
The lantern seems like a lure.

(01:00:19):
It's too obvious.
So one of those words was very Jamaican and I don't know which one.
I need a practice.
Maybe for consistency's sake we just switch characters.

(01:00:40):
We keep the voices the same.
This is fun.
Oh god.
Listeners I need you to know that pretty much Sydney and I are reading this.
Lauren is doing whatever she wants.
I'm not sure that she's actually reading along with us.

(01:01:01):
I think she should be reading them.
Why did I write that last line verbatim?
That might be the first one you've read verbatim.
Alright Noah it's your turn.
What?
Yeah.
Damn.
Right here.
Okay I know I know I know I'm trying to think of a new accent to try to slip into Noah.

(01:01:30):
Oh my god.
Am I gonna have to cut all this out?
Yeah you might.
You probably will.
Probably I'm gonna listen back to this and be like geez.
Too obvious?
Noah echoes disbelievingly.
Need I remind you that no one has found this place in more than 200 years?
Why did I go into that guy?

(01:01:52):
I don't even know who that is.
200 years.
Oh that we both nearly drowned just reaching this point.
I don't know who this I don't know who this character is but I'm gonna go with it.
You want to go that way pal be my guest.

(01:02:14):
Oh fuck.
You shrug.
I will try this way.
This way was was really islander.
Yeah.
Oh okay okay okay.
Noah sighs.
Have it your way.

(01:02:35):
But when this turns out to be a dead end remember I told you so.
I'm going back to.
Shooter.
You flash him a smile and lead the way.
Smirking as you listen to Noah muttering about needing his head examining for taking directions

(01:02:57):
from a damn broad.
The passage winds and climbs before dropping down again.
The further you go the fresher the air seems.
The cave begins to widen and you can hear what sounds like water lapping ahead.
You wonder if you are about to step out onto a beach perhaps not far from where you entered
the water but there is no sign of sunlight ahead.

(01:03:19):
Finally the beams of your flashlight illuminate the rocky walls only a few paces ahead before
reaching an impenetrable darkness.
End of the road.
You murmur to Noah.
Looks like the cave opens into a much larger chamber.

(01:03:40):
He replies gazing into the darkness.
Your footsteps echo as you reach the end of the passage which opens out onto a ledge with
just the impenetrable blackness beyond.
The sound of the lapping water is louder and seems to be coming from below you.
Noah joins you as you step out onto the ledge and peer into the darkness.

(01:04:01):
You swing the flashlight around and something beside you glints in the beam.
What's that?
You ask Noah.
It seems to be an ancient mechanism of some kind with brass intermeshing gears, chains
and sprockets.
There is an inortly, oh my god there is an ornately carved wooden crank handle jutting

(01:04:23):
out of the side of the device.
Looks old.
He murmurs examining it closely.
18th century I'd say.
Exquisite engineering for the time.
Shall we turn it?
You ask him.
Perhaps it operates a drawbridge.

(01:04:47):
It could also be a trap.
Noah winces rubbing his chin.
It might be better served going ignoring it until we have a better idea than what it is.
Where's the sex?
Yeah where is the sex?
I don't know because the other one that I was proofreading was like sex three choices
in.

(01:05:08):
Okay.
It was like talk to woman, bang woman, yes.
16.
Oh you rolled already.
I didn't know you'd already rolled.
I thought you just yelled 16 for no reason.
I was like what?

(01:05:29):
16.
I got a 19.
Let's go.
Sydney would you like to turn the crank or ignore it and explore further?
I'm gonna turn the crank because I want to change accents.
That's real.
Oh that's not so fair.
I'm miss Hoboken.
Oh no I'm reading a little bit ahead and it looks like we're just gonna keep going.

(01:05:55):
Are you full comfort?
Okay.
Nothing mentioned, nothing gained.
You grin boldly.
Stepping forward and grasping the crank handle.
As you attempt to wind the handle you find the mechanism stiff and unyielding.
Two centuries of dust and grime no doubt clogging the gears.

(01:06:18):
Grunting with effort you put every ounce of strength into it before the handle gradually
begins to move.
The gears beginning to turn slowly.
Noah's flashlight swings erratically from the machine to the rocky ceiling and the uneven
ledge beneath your feet.
No doubt suspecting some devious trap to be sprung at any moment.

(01:06:38):
You hear his feet drag on the ground as he slowly backs away.
You're a real hero.
Oh.
I have mine.
My bad.
That's Lauren.
You're a real hero you know that?

(01:07:02):
You growl as the chains clank on the sprockets.
Across the chamber you see something move in the gloom.
Abruptly the chamber is filled with light.
You blink in surprise as you take in your surroundings.
The ledge you are standing on is a short distance above an enclosed cavernous lagoon.
Floating in the center of the lagoon is an ancient looking sailing ship.

(01:07:22):
The sails and briggings are bedraggled and thick with dust and cobwebs.
But she still looks a handsome vessel.
Its bristle from the numerous gun ports and high atop the main mast you can see the limp
though unmistakably black flag of a pirate vessel.
The Nemesis.

(01:07:45):
Noah breathes reading the name carved into the wooden plate fixed to her bow.
And Bonnie served aboard her.
The Nemesis was a successful pirate vessel as there was at the time.
A rival for Blackbeard's Queen Anne's Revenge or Charlie Van Ranges.
Strangely the identity of her captain has been lost in the midst of time.

(01:08:09):
His fate is equally uncertain.
Some of them said he was sacrificed by savage Mayan priestesses other than he was entombed
in the vault of some untold rich, oh we're going back into southern, and an irony of
some pirate.
There are some accounts however that he escaped and used his riches to buy Anne Bonny's freedom

(01:08:29):
saved from the gallows that the two of them lived the rest of their lives in the American
colonies.
Sounds like a cheap pole romance novel.
You sneer noticing that the light seems to have been produced by an elaborate series
of angled mirrors fixed into the sides of the chamber.

(01:08:51):
The mechanism must have somehow opened an aperture somewhere allowing sunlight in, which
has been reflected around the entire cavern.
The narrow ledge continues around the perimeter of the chamber, gently sloping down to a jetty
where the Nemesis is murdered.
Murdered?
Mord.
The artifact must be on board.

(01:09:12):
Noah tells you.
Come on.
He steps forward, and you reach out and grasp his shoulder, yanking him back.
What the hell?
Look.
You growl, pointing to the floor.
A barely visible cord runs across the ledge at ankle height.

(01:09:34):
You drop to the floor and peer over the side of the edge.
The cord is connected to another mechanism, this one leading to a spring-loaded plate
with a series of spikes fixed to it.

(01:09:56):
He murmurs grudgingly.
Stepping over the cord, you slowly and cautiously make your way along the ledge before reaching
the jetty.
The Nemesis bobs gently in the water, and you wonder how she ended up inside this sealed
cavern.
Like a ship in a bottle.
You guess it was once a cave opened to the sea, and the pirates must have used explosives
to seal it, hiding the ship.

(01:10:18):
Ugh.
I don't think there's anything aboard except cobwebs.
Oh, you ask Noah.
Why did you change accents?
I can't do it.
Okay.
If this mysterious captain and this pirate broad settled in America, why would they leave

(01:10:39):
anything valuable behind?
I'm an archeologist, not a treasure hunter.
Noah replies swiftly.
As I told you, I'm not sinking, I'm only sinking the compass.
I believe it is still here otherwise.
Why hide a ship and set traps to protect it?
I just keep going into Southern.
I'm so sorry, everybody.

(01:11:00):
That's all good.
Hey, guys.
You reply.
Listen, you want me this far?
He tells you.
Why don't you wait here and I'll go aboard and see if I can find it.
Roll.
I'm gonna fuck on the ship.

(01:11:22):
I think we might.
I think that's what's coming up.
Oh, what minute?
Another 16.
I rolled like five of these.
Well that's a two for me, so it's your turn.
Hey, are you sure that that weight isn't weighted, Lauren?
It is not.
I do not own any weighted dice.
Lauren, would you like to wait for Noah to explore the ship or insist that you go with

(01:11:46):
him?
I want to fuck on a ship.
And it takes two to tango.
Indeed it does.
Um, I don't think so, pal.
You snort.
If that ship's full of treasure, I want my cut.

(01:12:06):
I thought you might say that.
Noah chuckles.
But remember, the compass is mine.
Sure.
After I get paid.
You grin.
Yes, sir.
I'm at thousand miles an hour.
Do you want to try that again?
Sheesh.
Nope.
Okay.

(01:12:27):
Why remember?
Noah nods, striding along the jetty towards the nemesis.
You both clamber up the side of the vessel and onto the deck.
The timber deck is caked with dust and you both leave a trail of footprints in your wake
as you explore the ancient ship.

(01:12:49):
Cannon, line, each side of the deck, and a few crates and barrels are still securely
lashed in place around the bases of the three masts.
No, Lord.
Try again.
You murmur, gazing up at the now ragged rigging in torn sails.

(01:13:17):
Impressive and feared if you sighted her from the deck of a merchant ship, I would imagine.
Noah grins.
It feels strange to be walking on a deck.
Oh, how do you think this treasure will be?
You ask him.
The compass.
He pointedly corrects you.

(01:13:39):
Will either be below decks.
He shines his flashlight towards an open hatchway a few paces ahead of you.
Or within the captain's cabin.
He gestures towards a door set into the face of the raised quarter deck at the stern of
the ship.
You've been lucky so far.

(01:13:59):
What do you think?
Do you think we're going to fuck in the captain's cabin?
I feel like we'll fuck at the captain's cabin.
We better.
We better.
Two.
Oh, we just switched.
I got a 16.
Where are we fucking, girl?
We're going to go with the captain's cabin.
We're going to go fuck there.
To the captain's cabin.

(01:14:22):
I guess it makes sense that the captain would want to keep the most valuable artifacts close.
You reply.
Let's try to fucking his cabin.
You both step towards the chamber door, the iron rivet heads brown with rust.

(01:14:44):
Noah winces as he turns the door handle.
Perhaps hearing some devious trap.
The door creaks on its ancient hinges and swings open.
But there are no dastardly devices of death to contend with.
Noah glances at you and shrugs as you both step inside, shining your flashlights around
the cabin.
There is a bed and a desk, both caged with dust.

(01:15:05):
Let's go.
While the door is open, Noah looks at the captain's cabin.
Let's go.
While the dull glow of the reflected sunlight shines through the small, grimy glass panels
of the stern window at the back of the room.

(01:15:29):
I'm starting to get the feeling that all we found is an old sailing ship.
You tell Noah as you glance around at the all but bare cabin.
Perhaps this more than meets the eye.
Noah murmurs.
Let's take a closer look.
Roll.
I got a 10.

(01:15:54):
12.
Lauren would you like to check beneath the bed or check the desk?
I think a compass is more likely to be in the desk.
Desk it is.
Let's do that.
Oh my god.

(01:16:15):
I don't want lore.
I want penis in whole.
Oh my god.
Do you guys see how much we have progressed in this?
It's barely anything.
I know.
I'm scared.
Can we hit control F for sex?

(01:16:36):
Wait, I'm hitting H55.
Okay, control F.
Oh my god, that's a lot of cock.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I clicked this for Twitter.
That's a lot of cock.
Oh my god.
He's pulling his cock out.
It's gonna be like cunt or something.

(01:17:00):
Oh, pussy work.
I bet it's gonna be like the swell of her, of her blah blah blah.
Yeah.
Oh wow, none.
Swell.
Okay.
Vagina.
Pussy was a lot.
There was a lot of pussy.
You didn't see pussy.
Well, that's not a lot.

(01:17:22):
That's sad.
Orgasm.
No.
Climax.
Time climax.
Oh, climax.
Climax.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh shit.
Oh.

(01:17:43):
Okay, so we're nearly there.
We're nearly there.
We're getting there.
Let's go back to where we were.
Okay.
Speed read.
We're close.
We got this.
We're so close, Laurence.
Sex.
Let's try the desk.

(01:18:04):
You suggest moving towards it and dragging a chair out of the way.
Noah nods and sweeps a thick layer of dust off the surface with his arm, but you begin
to pull open the drawers rifling through each one.
Sorry.
What's that?

(01:18:25):
Noah asks as you pull out a thick leather bound volume, you blow the dust off the cover
and open it.
Looks like the ship's log.
You murmur, leafing through the pages of immaculately handwritten text.
Much of it is rather dull with course headings, dates of visits to various Caribbean ports,

(01:18:50):
lists of supplies taken aboard, and the occasional mention of ships boarded and lists of what
was plundered from them.
Any mentions of Alcatraz?
I'm just going into a southern accent.
We're just going to go with that.
From now on, I'm done.
That is not the name of the place.
Any mention of Alcatraz?
Oh, that is...
No D.

(01:19:11):
Al-ca-rez?
Al-ca-rez?
Who the fuck is Alca-rez?
Noah murmurs, hearing over your shoulder.
According to Anne Bonney's journal, that's the name of the ship that the captain acquired
the compass from.
Al-ca-rez?

(01:19:32):
I'm listening to sea shanties.
You echoed turning the pages before your gaze falls on that name.
Yes.
You begin reading.
Speed read.
20th of April boarded the Spanish vessel Alca-rez, minimal resistance.
Her captain had the good sense to surrender his sword before further bloodshed.
Without her hold, he rediscovered three chests of gold, bullion, and one other curious item,
a strange compass unlike any I'd ever seen before.
The captain seemed particularly reluctant to part with the most savage gut punch from Anne
Bonney.
I quickly persuaded him otherwise.

(01:19:52):
Redheads truly have a fire of temperament.
I have subreddited the item in the hand and have a
place in the vessel with a small and rather ordinary looking timber chest.

(01:20:17):
Cause I like detailing the shit out for plot convenience.
Yeah.
That's it.
That is it.
Noah grins.
That must be where the compass is.
That's where it was more than 200 years ago.
You remind him.
A lot can happen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

(01:20:38):
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
That couldn't happen.
Oh, nevermind.
I'm so dumb.
Oh, you're good.
A lot could have happened since this log was recorded.
It's still here.
I'm sure of it.
Handsus, please roll.
That's the ghost of Lauren.
There's been a sex scene.

(01:21:00):
That's the ghost of Lauren.
There's been no sex scenes yet.
I just rolled a 16.
Okay, your guess.
Would you like to check beneath the bed for any clues or go below decks?
I feel like looking beneath the bed would be something.

(01:21:23):
I don't know.
Could be something or nothing.
Yeah, brother.
Lift the bed.
Oh, no, that's Noah.
That's you.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Lift the bed.
You tell Noah.
Let's see if there's anything hidden underneath.

(01:21:44):
I don't think the feared captain of the nemesis would be in the habit of hiding his loot under
his mattress like some old timer with a pile of dollar bills.
Well, fuck me then.
He grumbles, hooking his fingers beneath the bed frame and grunting as he lifts.
You cough as he disturbs the thick layer of dust, but as it settles, you kneel and peer

(01:22:05):
beneath, shining the flashlight beam back and forth.
Nothing but dust.
There's nothing here.
Noah groans, dropping the bed back down with a thump.
Now we've already checked the desk.
Rollies.
We're just going to.
Uh oh.
We've already checked the desk.
I got a 12.
Cindy, would you like to go take a look below decks?

(01:22:28):
Or would you like to go check the desk again?
Oh my god.
Okay, let's do it.
Oh god.
Let's try below decks.
You reply.
Sounds good.

(01:22:49):
Noah nods as you both walk towards the open hatchway.
You're pausing as you gaze down into the gloom of the gundec below.
Think there's any traps down there?
You ask him.
Probably.
He nods, shining his flashlight into the darkness.
Then after you.

(01:23:10):
You grin, gesturing into the hatch.
He grimaces before nodding and slowly climbing down a timber ladder.
As he descends, he abruptly drops with a cry.
You shout out, tearing down through the opening as your blood runs cold.
I'm okay.
He calls up.

(01:23:31):
Damn rung broke, Zal.
Look safe down here.
Famous last words.
You mutter to yourself as you.
I like how this implies that you're a discord kitten when there's a guy around.
You mutter to yourself as you carefully descend the ladder, stepping past the broken rung

(01:23:52):
and dropping to the deck below.
You shine your flashlight around, seeing more cannon lining each side of the gundec, their
muzzles protruding through the open gund ports.
The deck boards creak underfoot as you join Noah.
The beam of his flashlight illuminates a heavy iron door set into a partition wall, dividing
the forward section of the deck.

(01:24:14):
Great.
How are we going to- oops, sorry, Discord Daddy.
Grr, how are we going to get through this?
Noah glances over his shoulder and flashes you a grin before reaching into his pocket
and pulling out an ancient-looking key.
Found this with the map.

(01:24:35):
He smirks before slotting it into the keyhole.
As he turns the key, the mechanism clanks and the door swings open.
My god.
You murmur, your eyes widening at the sight of all the gold and jewels reflected into
the flashlight beams.
Noah, however, seems to barely notice the riches before him.

(01:24:55):
Okay, there's the woven.
Where is he?
Where is he?
He mutters, glancing frantically around him as he steps into the strong room.
He notices three chests laid out at the back of the compartment, a timber chest, an iron
chest, and an ornate jewel-encrusted chest, with a mysterious symbol on the front.

(01:25:21):
And what are the chests?
You suggest.
Perhaps, but which one?
He asks.
You're the expert, pal.
You reply.
Your guess is as good as mine.
He shrugs, glancing at each chest in turn.
Okay, well, we already know which one it is.

(01:25:44):
Yeah, but you could open the other ones for funsies.
Yeah, we could open it for funsies and switch characters.
Nat 20!
Nat 21!
Damn it, I got a 30.
Joy good.
Drunk.
We're opening that timber chest, baby.
I wanna fuck.
Lauren's like, no more.

(01:26:04):
No more foreplay.
I don't want more lore.
The timber chest.
You tell Noah confidently.
You think so, huh?
That was 40.
He replies.
He replies doubtfully.
So what the fuck's that?

(01:26:26):
Before shrugging his shoulders and dropping to his knees before it, he carefully lifts
the lid, which creaks on its hinges.
You crane your head forward, the beam of your flashlight fixed on the side of the chest.
It is lined with what might have been velvet 200 years ago, but is now just grey moldy
matter in the center of it, is a circular silver case perhaps four inches in diameter.

(01:26:51):
This is it.
Noah breathes.
I found it.
They didn't believe me laughing into their sleeves.
Show them now.
I don't know what laughing into their sleeves mean, but okay.
He slowly reaches into the chest, clearly reveling in the moment.
His fingers close around it, and as he lifts it, there's a mechanical click.

(01:27:13):
Beneath you, you see Flint and Stryker and the sparkling end of a fuse wire.
Shit.
You gasp.
Put that out.
Noah reaches for the fizzing fuse and grunts as he tries to pinch it between the thumb

(01:27:35):
and forefinger.
Oh no.
He moans as it disappears into the bottom of a chest.
You snarl, wrenching the timber chest up off the floor.
The fuse wire has already disappeared through a narrow hole bored through the deck's beneath.

(01:27:56):
Bored through the deck, bored beneath.
Let's get out of here while we can.
Noah tells you, slipping the compass into his pocket, scrambling to his feet, and running
out of the strong room.
With a rueful glance at all the treasure you set off at his heels, running back through
the gun deck.
The ship trembles with a series of concussions beneath your feet.
The boom of an explosion behind you sends you both sprawling.

(01:28:20):
As you pick yourselves up, you can see the forward section of the vessel has been ripped
apart and engulfed in flames.
Shit, shit, shit.
You curse, both of you running for the ladder and scrambling up as quickly as you can.
The deck of the Nemesis is on fire.
The rigging and sails ablaze and rain down in glowing orange embers.

(01:28:41):
The whole ship begins to list alarmingly.
And knowing you only have moments to act, you both throw yourselves over the side and
back onto the jetty.
Time to leave.
Noah shouts, sprinting along the jetty in the direction of a cave at the end.
He glances over your shoulder at the blazing inferno that had been the grand old pirate
ship just a few minutes earlier.

(01:29:02):
You are inclined to agree and run after him.
His flashlight sweeps from side to side as he disappears inside the narrow passageway.
As you reach the end of the jetty, another huge explosion rips the Nemesis apart, the
concussion cracking the walls of the cavern and dropping huge sections of rock into the
lagoon.
Oh.

(01:29:22):
No!
Yeah.
Dashing into the cave as the whole chamber begins to collapse in on itself.
The passage climbs steadily upwards and you run as fast as you can, trying to put the
thought of any more traps out of your mind.
The rocky ground trembles beneath your feet and you know that this passage too will soon

(01:29:45):
collapse in on itself.
Just ahead of you, you see Noah slide to a halt, his flashlight shining first to the left
and then to the right.
You follow his gaze to one side, the cliff winds upwards, perhaps up towards the top
of the cliff, while the other side, a narrow passage leads steeply downwards.
Which way?
Sorry.
He asks, his eyes wide as the whole passage quakes around you.

(01:30:12):
Roll.
Rollies.
That's five.
That's so bad.
She's just not one.
She looks depressed.
Oh, not your back.
Sydney, throw yourself down the narrow passage or continue upwards.

(01:30:34):
Um.
Let's go upwards.
Uh oh.
Oh my god.
Time to switch.
Not yet.
Finish it.
Like the look of that.

(01:30:54):
You tell Noah, shining the flashlight down the tiny passage.
That way could lead back down to the lagoon for all we know.
He nods and you both continue up the winding passageway, the tremors seeming to grow stronger
with each passing moment.
We must be narrowing to the top.
Noah pants as you both struggle onwards, you nod, clutching a stitch in your side.

(01:31:16):
As you round the corner, you both stop staring ahead in disbelief.
Oh no.
You murmur, the cave ahead has collapsed in on itself, completely blocking your way.
Quickly, back the way we came.
Noah shouts, turning on his heels.
As you do, the ground trembles violently, the cave roof cracking overhead.

(01:31:38):
You both cry out in terror as the whole passageway collapsed down on top of you, instantly crushing
the life from both of you.
We're back in Hoboken, baby.
Oh lord.
Alright, well let's welcome him back.
Oh lord.
I guess we'll throw ourselves down the narrow passage.

(01:32:01):
And with that, folks, we will end it here.
I know we haven't had any sex tonight or any romance really between these two characters,
but I think we're going to leave you on a literal cliffhanger here.
So tune in next time to see whether our seductive pilot, Elise, and our dash and Noah, whatever

(01:32:24):
his name is, archaeologist, I'm just doing my two voices, if they make it out of here
live and with that silly little compass.
Thank you for tuning in.
If you liked what you are listening to here, we've got a bunch of other episodes on Spotify
and anywhere else where you get your podcasts.

(01:32:44):
We also have our Instagram, Twitter.
We've got a Fable where you can follow along and see what we read.
We also do have a Goodreads account.
We have YouTube and we also have Twitch, but please go check us out on any of our socials.
Go follow us on there and see what books we're reading.

(01:33:07):
And with that, I will say good night to you, you very pretty pirates.
N Turn it back on tomorrow.