Tipsy Fanfic Night: Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles pt1

Join us in this week's episode to listen to our amazing voice acting skills! In this episode we talk about everything from the blood and body of we three podcasters to how illiterate we all are . Please send us book recs and follow us on our socials @theRPHpodcast https://linktr.ee/raunchypowerhour

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to Runchy Power Hour, a book club for discussing romance from the erotic to

(00:06):
the erroneous. As always, this is an explicit podcast and contains strong language, adult
themes and sexual content. If you are sensitive to these things, we urge you calmly but sincerely
to turn off your radio now.
Welcome to Titsy Fanfic Night. Go ahead and grab a snack and a drink unless you're driving,

(00:31):
please God. Today we are reading Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles by Proud House
Wife.
I'm your producer Ashlyn and I am drinking rum and Dr. Pepper.
Hi I'm Sydney and I've got a wand and a rabbit and I'm currently drinking Josh.

(00:53):
He's going to sacrifice himself! No! Ron no! If I make my move, I can chuck the king!
And I'm drinking a rum and coke.
Can I change mine?

(01:13):
That was so good! I giggled!
Runchy Church!
Runchy Church!
Runchy Church!
Sydney.
Lord.
I have a question for you, my christened child.

(01:43):
Yes, sister. In Christ, what is it?
Are there any sins that you would like to confess to me?
That I'd like to just confess to you and not the whole internet?
It's just me and you in this confessional booth. You and God, of course.

(02:08):
Of course, of course. So I guess it kind of all started back in the third grade where
this one time I like, I looked at another woman, a well girl at the time, and I developed
a crush.
And you're telling me you're repenting from that crush, right?

(02:32):
Of course, of course. I never acted upon it. Never.
To the convent with you, wench!
Alright, here I go. Love from the Holy Spirit. Here we go.
Oh no, you're sending me to a convent with a bunch of other ladies that are all single?
Oh no! Gotta go!

(02:53):
Listen, if we've learned anything from years of failed and torturous conversion therapy,
surely that'll work. It'll be effective.
Oh yeah, exactly. It'll work so great to put a bunch of women together.
Oh man. Speaking of a bunch of conservative Christian women together in a room, we're
reading Harry Potter fan fiction.

(03:15):
Yep.
Hi. Yep, that's what we're doing.
This one's just a little more...tranny than your normal one.
Oh my god, we are reading another Harry Potter one. I just keep forgetting that My Immortal
is a Harry Potter fan fiction.
It's only a Harry Potter fan fiction based on the tags.

(03:36):
Yeah, truly.
Truly.
But it's that time of year again, folks.
It's that time. Because this is a very respectful, clean, good Christian podcast.
Godly.
It doesn't at all have the explicit tag on it on Spotify. We just wanted to proselytize

(04:03):
and to share our faith in the words of the Lord with all of our listeners who so desperately
need to hear his word and repent their sins at the altar.
Say it, sister. Say it, sister. You know, it's the bigger the hair, the closer to Jesus.

(04:25):
That's right. That's right. And they say make a joyful noise. It doesn't mean you have to
sound really good out in the choir unless you're Margaret. Okay, Margaret is our youth
pastor, choir leader. Okay?
Amen. Amen.
I hate this. I hate this for us.

(04:49):
God, can we narrate this fanfic in the southern Christian woman?
Oh, yes. That is exactly how we need to do it. All right.
I was going to volunteer to be narrator for the first chapter and I was going to do my
Midwestern voice.
That works too.
That works great. That works great. Well, guys, if you don't know what Hogwarts School

(05:11):
of Prayers and Miracles is, it's a somewhat famous fanfic, not as big as My Immortal.
My Immortal lives in infamy. But this fic was reportedly originally posted by someone
named Crowd Housewife. And she says her name is Grace Ann. And apparently this whole fic

(05:35):
is based around the first book of Harry Potter, which she has rewritten to exhibit Christian
values because her kids wanted to read Harry Potter, but she didn't want them to become
witches, which is literally what she writes. So she rewrote the whole thing so it was
Christian and not witches and wizards.

(06:01):
And, you know, like I said, it's our civic Christian duty to spread Grace Ann's gospel
to everyone. And, you know, we just read an Omegaver fic. I think we need to repent.
We do need to repent. This is the cleansing that we need.
Oh, you know what, guys, we're kind of like the ex-fury turned Mormon on TikTok. Have

(06:26):
you all seen this? No. What? It's a post from I think it's this person. It's either this
is so fake or it's like the fiance of this person. He's going, I'm so proud of you, Brian.
You've really changed. And I'm so proud of you from converting to being an ex-fury into
Mormon and following our prophet Joseph Smith. Oh my God. And you know what? He's like, and

(06:55):
he was like in full leather, like puppy play stuff. And it's like, oh God. Listen, I think
he was just trying to love all of God's creations equally. And I don't see what's wrong with
a little fur play ever now and then, as long as you get to church on Sunday and repent.

(07:17):
We're going to cut you off right there, Lauren. Lauren, as the only tried and true Southerner
on this podcast, that was amazing. Hey, I am the tried and true Southerner as well.
That's what I'm saying. Okay, sorry. You are the tried and true Southerner. I am not. That
was amazing. That was. Thank you. Wow. Bless his heart. Bless his little heart. I couldn't

(07:43):
insult someone like that. That's good. You know, it's in my roots. It's part of nature.
Yeah. But shall we share the breakdown of voices that we have assigned and the parts
that we will be playing? Yes, because I also already forgot. Excellent. So starting with

(08:07):
Lauren, Lauren will be voicing Hagrid, Draco, Vernon and Snape. Why? It's all the men. You
did get all the men. For the record, these were handpicked by each of us. Like we chose
these. Sydney will be playing Harry, Aunt Petunia and Dumbledore. I don't know why she

(08:29):
has three instead of four like the rest of us. And I have Hermione. I have to throw my
whole self into Dumbledore. Apparently. And I have Hermione, Ron, Dudley and McGonagall.
And I guess we'll just pick up Slack where it's missing. If that happens. Oh, you were

(08:50):
Luna. That's where your other one was. There she is. There's Luna. I forgot to type Luna.
Can't ever forget Luna. I'm so sorry. And then we also should share what our little
drinking game is. So listeners, if you would like to play along with us, do so safely.

(09:13):
Please, please, please. And only if you're of age. Don't do it. We do. So we've got four
little rules for everyone to play along with. One. If you hear the word Christian with a
capital C, you got to take a drink. Two. If you hear the word blessing, got to take a

(09:42):
drink. Same thing with prayers. That's our third. You have to take a drink. If you hear
the word prayers. And last but not least, if you feel mildly offended by this thing
at any point, take a drink. And we would, we would strongly recommend based on the content

(10:03):
of chapter one to take small sips because I imagine shots would put you in the ground
and closer to God than you've ever wanted to be. Closer to God than you. Yes, you got
closer to Jesus much sooner than he needed to. As someone in my mom's home newspaper
used to say whenever people died, they were exhumed from their earthly body into their

(10:31):
heavenly. God tastes same, but at least he's with the Lord now. All things in his plan.
Amen. Amen. Oh, brother. Here we go. Also of note, we will be passing off each chapter
the role of narrator in which we will be attempting our church sona accents, if you will. But

(11:03):
without further ado, are we ready to get raunchy and church radicalized, my ladies? I'm ready.
I'm ready, sister. Amen. I'm ready, sister. Amen. Chapter one, which for some reason is
not named. Author's note. Hello friends. My name is Gracie Ann. I'm new to this whole

(11:31):
fan fiction thing, but recently I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution
to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books and of course I'm happy
for them to be reading, but I don't want them turning into witches. So I thought why not
make some slight changes so these books are family friendly. And then I thought why not
share this with all of the other mommies who are facing the same problem. So ta-da, here

(11:56):
it is. I am so excited to share this with all of you. So without further ado. I love
that. That was beautiful. That has to be how she sounds IRL if Gracie Ann is real. That's
how she sounds. Without further ado. I love that. Am I taking the first narrator? Yes,

(12:23):
you are. Yes, ma'am. You want more of that voice or you want just normal? Give me your
church sona. You are, you are in a bright purple like horse racing type hat and like
the knights. Yes, yes thank you. You are putting on your Easter best. I do declare.

(12:48):
Not Claire, that's not flesh. I'm bashful. No, that's so good. Let's do it. Oh god, I
can't do a southern accent. You don't have to do southern. We can keep doing midwestern.
Okay, I'm better at that. Oh gosh, I lost it. Okay. Once upon a time there was a little

(13:12):
boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his
aunt and uncle. He was a good obedient boy who did all his chores, but he felt that there
was something missing in his life. Something back and special, but he could not quite name
it. He stayed up every night and wished for this special something, but then one day there

(13:34):
was a knock on his door and everything changed. Answer the door, Harry. His aunt Petunia,
a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short curly
blonde hair. She had short curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded

(13:57):
sheepishly from the kitchen and put a tray of weish brownies in the oven. I'm taking
a third sip because that's my favorite. God. You again, Sid? Shouldn't you be doing that?

(14:21):
Harry thought, but he was a very obedient young boy. So he answered the door right away.
He turned the brass metal doorknob and pulled open the heavy wooden door. On the porch was
standing a huge muscular man with a big manly beard. He was dressed in a plaid red shirt,
blue jeans and sturdy leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick unruly carpet of

(14:50):
course, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking
at Harry, just looking at Harry, feel happy, peaceful somehow, but he couldn't say why.
Good morning, kiddo. The man greeted him. Oh my God. Am you a bleed and smiled at Harry.

(15:13):
He had the, he had the peaceful friendly sort of face. You just know you could trust. My
name's Hargrid. Can I speak to your mommy and daddy? The mommy or daddy? Harry replied
sadly. He looked at his raggedy old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that, I lost it. Oh,

(15:42):
it's okay. Maybe that was why he felt lonely. He didn't have a mom or dad. Oh my God. Perhaps
that was why he felt so lonely. He thought not for the first time, maybe that was what

(16:03):
he was missing. A mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right. I'm so sorry. I
am so sorry to use that. Why am I changing his voice every line? Hargrid uttered empathetically.
You can speak to my auntie and uncle. Harry reported to Harry. This kid from The Shining.

(16:32):
Harry retorted politely and blinked his big blue childlike eyes. What do you want? She
just sings. Aunt Petunia peered out of the door with her narrow suspicious eyes. She

(17:00):
was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit. Damn. Get her. Get her ass. Hello, neighbor.
I was wondering if you've been saved. Hargrid exclaimed brightly and tipped his white brimmed
straw, bright white, bright. Oh my God. White brimmed straw cowboy hat. Oh my gosh. Aunt

(17:31):
Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh and leaned forward on her sturdy practical boots. Don't
tell me you are one of those Christians. Take a drink. Thanks. Damn it. Harry did not know
what the word meant, but Hargrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he'd ever seen. It

(17:55):
made Harry feel warm and happy inside, just seeing the glowing radiant grin on the kind,
friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile
like that. Yes, I am. Hargrid replied kindly. Are you? Yes, I am. Hargrid replied kindly.
Are you? Oh, oh no. Aunt Petunia laughed again and stuck her pointy sharp nose up in the

(18:24):
air. To smirk for that, haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead. Dawkins proved that. Would you
like to educate you on Dawkins? I feel like there was a few months where I was a philosophy
minor and that was me. I'm running around like, God is dead, and my little shitty pantsuit.

(18:53):
Your own flattering pantsuit. Yes, as a career woman. Your practical boots. God. What is
a Christian? Drink. Harry queried innocently and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy yellow

(19:14):
carpet, which had not been vacuumed in quite some time. Christians drink. Christians are
people who want to be good. Hargrid explained wisely and crouched down so he was eye level
with Harry. We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?

(19:39):
Harry shook his head and his big eyes were wide and curious. Heaven is a beautiful place
where we can be with God. Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears and her
voice was sickly sweet when she said, Thank you so much for your concern, sir, but he

(20:03):
does not need your religion. Your science and socialism are both in my hands. Me?
Have you heard of evolution? I have a very good textbook on evolution that I could give
to you if you would like to learn things. Hargrid laughed wisely. Evolution is a fairy

(20:28):
tale. You don't really believe that, do you? I do, so I'm going to drink. Aunt Petunia
screeched. Well, why is it? Okay, I didn't know if that was me or Hargrid. Oh, Aunt Petunia

(20:54):
could only stare at him and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was
so educated and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in, but she couldn't
even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one was. Tell me

(21:20):
how to get to this heaven place. Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Is
this me? Yeah. Yep. Okay. Sometimes the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think
we grownups know it all, but then God speaks through the mouth of little ones and shows

(21:41):
us how we are. Oh my God. Just how we are all mortal struggling along the path of life.
Humility. All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved? Do you want to be
saved? Do you want to be saved? Harry squealed, jumping up and down. Get ready to drink twice.

(22:07):
Then pray the sinner's prayer. Aunt Petunia tried to stop him, but she was powerless against
Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon Harry had said the prayer. Hargrid beamed happily.
I also have holy energy. Yeah. Down in the goot. You're a Christian now Harry. Hargrid

(22:36):
cried proudly. Harry smiled, but then interrogated. But how do you be a Christian? I don't know
how. Drink. Oh my God. Hargrid grinned widely. There is only one place to learn that. Hogwarts

(23:00):
School of Prayer and Miracles. Drink. Twice. That's prayers and miracles. I thought we
were just doing prayers and blessings. We should throw miracles in there. No. I'm going
to need a refill before chapter three. Literally. We'll stick with blessers then. No, it's okay.

(23:25):
I'm down the clown. Lauren agreed to this. Authors know it. So what do you all think?
What do you all think? I may not be a professional writer, but I think I am being given the talent
to pull this off in the service of a greater mission. Blessings. Grace Ann. Cheers Grace

(23:46):
Ann. Thanks Grace. Well hi I'm Grace. Hello. Here's my team. Okay. I think we should pause
to debate. Is Grace Ann real or is this a troll? Because I'm thinking from having a

(24:07):
deep dark past of having been a fan fiction dot net author way back in the day and before
Ashlyn you get excited it was not with a Fennec fan fiction. I feel like in order to get
established on this website you have to go through a cesspool of like awful things, especially
at the time when this would have been posted, right? I'm thinking there's no way in hell

(24:29):
a good southern Christian woman would be putting this on a site that's full of just heinous
things and sin. But I don't know what y'all think. I don't know because the issue I'm
having is that I we all know. So unfortunately readers, this is not actually the original

(24:51):
version of this fic. It did get deleted. So we are reading a supposed upload of what is
said to be the original fic. So it's really hard because you know things can be edited.
So I don't maybe it started out as such and it's kind of taken on this whole new beast.

(25:14):
You know, you're right. It could have been posted on like LiveJournal or one of the Harry
Potter fan fic sites. You're so right. Yeah. Yeah. So like who knows if it even originated
on fanfiction.net or it could have started in one of those like neisher websites. So

(25:36):
I don't know. I think from where we stand and how the story is now, it definitely comes
off as trolley. Like I don't this does not sound like a real person.
Mm hmm.
Because I agree with you. I if I was a good Christian woman, I would not know what
fanfiction.net is, nor would I post my one and only fan fiction on here.

(26:02):
Indeed. At looking at sorry, looking at the fan fic Wikipedia page, I was trying to see
I was trying to see if there was anything. Two things. Chris Ossendorf of the Daily Dot
was critical of the writing, grammar and plot of the work, saying that the author quote
makes E.L. James look like Shakespeare.

(26:26):
The other thing I would like to mention is that they've also recommended another fic
for us called Harry Potter and the methods of rationality.
That one's supposed to be like stupid long.
It probably is.
Anywho. Interesting. You can't escape E.L. James.

(26:50):
No, she's everywhere.
She is the reason behind everything I do.
She is. She is my driving motivator for my life.
She is my deepest fear and my greatest obsession.
Who is narrating chapter two New Horizons?
I don't know. Would you like to do rock paper scissors and then we can just go in the order that we've set?

(27:16):
Yes, let me pull up the camera because I cannot see you.
That would be funny. Just go for it and I'll tell you who wins.
Yeah. Really? Okay. Yeah, go for it.
We're going on three or shoot? Shoot.
Ready? Okay. Rock paper scissors shoot.
Lauren, raise your hand a little.

(27:38):
Hers is paper. I got scissors.
All right. Go for it.
Okay.
New Horizons.
Hello, friends. I've been getting so many lovely thank you messages from the mommies everywhere.
And I just want to say thank you for all your encouragement.
However, I've also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not about witches.

(28:01):
They have friendship and kindness and bravery.
Friends, this is exactly what I've been saying.
Harry Potter has many good things about it, but still has with witchcraft.
So my children cannot read it.
But that's why I'm writing this.
They have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books,
and all the bad stuff that is bogging it down.

(28:22):
I mean, Matthew 312, am I right?
So without further ado, on to Chapter 2.
Matthew 312 is his winnowing fork is in his hand,
and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn,
but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.

(28:44):
I have no idea what that means.
I was just looking that up as you were reading.
I don't know what that means.
I don't either.
Maybe it's talking about the sinners and how the witches are get burned.
I don't know.
Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.
Harry queried and clasped his hands just out here on the name.

(29:06):
It felt such a sense of inner peace.
He wanted to have more of that peace.
He wanted to learn how to be a good Christian.
Drink.
He was starting to think that this peace and being a good Christian.
Drink.
We're in fact the same thing.

(29:28):
I want to go there.
Hagrid beeped wildly.
He had been praying so hard to save a soul today.
He was just so happy to have saved a soul such a sweet, earnest little one.
The poor boy had been raised by two parents who were not Christian.
Drink.
Oh my God.
I'm going to die.

(29:49):
And you both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long.
It was a good thing Hagrid got here in time.
Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fordicated drug addict evolutionist.
I'm drinking.
Don't be silly, Harry.
Aunt Petunia commanded and brought her long bone hands.

(30:13):
Come back inside.
I will read you about evolution from Dawkins.
You do not need that silly religion.
Harry scrunched up his innocent little face and thought very hard.
Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had had.
This was the only home he knew.
Could he really leave?
But he was saved now.
He had prayed the sinner's prayer.

(30:35):
He could not stay here.
Not anymore.
Not with what he knew now.
Suddenly he knew what he had to do.
No, Aunt Petunia, he uttered calmly and with childlike wisdom.
Evolution is not real.
And I'm going to Hogwarts.
No, Harry, no.
Aunt Petunia screeched desperately.

(30:57):
I have an idea.
You could have a second birthday today.
You like birthdays, right?
I do.
Thank you, Aunt Petunia.
I do actually like birthdays.
Birthdays of not of God.
Harry verbalized knowingly.
He looked at his aunt with innocent wisdom.

(31:19):
You tried to corrupt me, but it did not work.
But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia, because of Luke 23, 34.
How quickly did this boy read the Bible?
I'm offended by that.
I'm drinking.
Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
And they parted his raiment in cast lots.
OK, that one makes a little more sense in context.

(31:41):
It makes sense.
But like, it makes sense that he's pulling it out, but like he doesn't know it.
How fast has he read the Bible?
Right.
He has like a flash card up behind his head during the conversation.
He's like, this first, this one.
Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of the little ones.

(32:04):
He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him so much as his woman had hurt little Harry.
It's not him the truth.
Who would be so cruel?
But Harry did not even think twice about it.
He'd forgiven just like that.
And he's like, really, how can you get a new understanding of Matthew 19, 14 that day?
Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.

(32:27):
Hey, wait, Dudley's here.
He didn't get mentioned throughout this entire thing, but here he is.
Yes.
Do not leave, Harry.
Dudley, my old child, childlessly.
I'm a very good.
You sound like you're from the what is it called?

(32:50):
The what's the what's the Broadway play with the hairdresser?
And the.
I keep what is a Shirley Temple because I'm like.
I don't know.

(33:15):
Do not leave Harry.
He attends a very vengeful God.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
I get one line, OK?
Let me.

(33:36):
You just sound like a little popper boy in the.
Mother, we go to the market and smoke.
Ma, I'm so sorry.
Now I'm fine.
I'm sorry.

(34:07):
I must have reset.
Can't look at Lauren.
She's making me laugh.
I'm sorry.
I'll turn my camera.
No, it's OK.
Keep it on.
I must.
Harry said he stepped over the threshold.

(34:28):
Goodbye, do this.
I hope you are safe, too.
One day.
And with that, he and Haggard began to walk down private drive, not private, private.
How will we get to the school?
Haggard Harry queered curiously.
We read it's queered and I think you drink for it.

(34:54):
We will pray.
Drink Harry retorted knowledgely.
Knowingly, not knowledgely.
Knowledgeably.
You're getting me tipsy and I'm reading, I don't know what you guys want of me.

(35:16):
You get one or you get one or the other.
It's all right.
How do we are sorry to say we are uneducated sinners over on this podcast who believe in evolution.
We cannot read.
No.
How do we do that?
Harry solicited inquisitively inquisitively.

(35:39):
Watch.
She keeps laughing at me.
Sorry.
Haggard said and then got down on his knees on the road.
He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too.
Haggard.

(36:01):
Haggard raised his hands to the heavens and cried out in a deep thunderous voice.
Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts.
Harry felt a sense being wished away and in a moment he was sitting in the cool damp grass outside a humongous beautiful.
I nearly said humongous.
There's no Ellen here.

(36:23):
Humongous.
He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones.
What a beautiful place.
Tall thin man with a long point of beard and a big wire spectacle student friend of Harry.
He was wearing a brown tweed suit and a nice matching hat.
His shoes are made of leather and polished until they shone.

(36:44):
He had a smile much like Haggard's smile.
So peaceful.
Here just knew he could trust him.
A lovely kind young woman with flowing blonde hair and pleasant heart shaped face stood beside this holy man.
And there was another one. The hair greeted amicably.
The man greeted amicably.
I'm the Reverend Elmer Elmer Dumbledore and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts with a pair of miracles.

(37:11):
Tariq.
Oh my god.
Listeners.
Oh sorry I was going to say listeners. That's a call back from our Mya Modo episode. So you should listen to it and consider it a prequel.
Oh but authors note.
Lessons.
I love that Mya Modo is like the Ranchi Power Hour Old Testament and then this is the New Testament I'm assuming.

(37:38):
Yeah.
Also why is Minerva young and blonde? I don't like that.
Why is she his wife?
Yeah.
Oh lord.
Am I narrating this one?
Yes ma'am.
You are ma'am.

(37:59):
It's called.
Dinner time with an exclamation mark.
Authors note.
Hello friends. I've struggled a lot about whether or not to keep this story good shit to keep going with this story.
But with a lot of praying.
Drink.
Oh no.

(38:22):
My husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do.
We want our little ones to have good drink Christian literature to read.
And in this modern world sometimes that can be hard to come by. So I will just have to make do.
Smiley face.

(38:45):
Pleased to meet you Reverend Dumbledore.
Harry replied enthusiastically and got to his feet.
This show is a beautiful place you have here.
The Reverend beamed.
Well thank you little one.
I love the next one.

(39:06):
Were you going to comply?
His voice.
His voice.
His voice had a distinctive sound replying to it that made Harry feel so safe.
I think we need to switch voices.

(39:29):
Can you imagine that being like the first face you meet at school just like.
I feel so safe and warm right here.
God.
He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.
This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation.

(39:54):
Hagrid declared concernedly.
He was watched by babysitter every second of the day.
His aunt saw him as part of her perfect little package.
Lick like the big house.
The fancy career.
The speedy car.
Yeah because apparently cars are of the devil.
Especially speedy ones.

(40:16):
Speedy ones.
Dumbledore shook his head.
Do what?
Am I going to hell?
Yeah you do.
Ashlyn unfortunately I can't.
Yeah and also as a woman you can't drive.
That's just not part of the Bible.
I forgot about that.
Yeah.

(40:38):
Dumbledore shook his head sadly.
Too bad no one told her.
Parenting should be about the children not the parents.
This is why it's called parenting.
She didn't choose to be a parent.
Well she did with one.
She was chosen by God.
Hagrid nodded wisely.

(40:59):
Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively.
Shit.
Authoritatively.
See it's not just me.
It's not just me.
It's the alcohol.
Now you can sell your glasses to my money.
Today you can sell it into your dormitory and profess.
You don't intend to have a family with me.
I can only imagine what this sounds like to our listeners who aren't listening.

(41:22):
I'm so sorry.
I feel like I did not understand a word of that.
Our listeners who are English is not their first language.
I'm so sorry guys.
I can't change it.
I can't change it.
Slow down just a little.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry little one.

(41:43):
I had a little fog in my throat.
Now you can sell your glasses tomorrow morning.
Today we're going to get you selling it into your dormitory.
But first why don't you eat dinner with my family and me.
I love it.
Amazing.
Really?
Harry gasped excitedly.
I've never had a family dinner before.

(42:05):
Why don't you come with us then?
I don't know what is happening with Dumbledore's voice.
I can only yell.
He's aging in reverse.
I don't know what's happening.
That's the powerful word working in.
Right.
He's speaking through you.

(42:26):
Dumbledore cried kindly and then got down on his knees.
Everyone else did the same.
Raising his large, massive, mainly hands up to the heavens.
Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than hackers have been.
You got this.
Lord, please take us to the kitchen.

(42:51):
Suddenly they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen.
Wow.
Harry shouted in awe.
He was still getting used to the power of prayer drink.
I was supposed to say I am too.

(43:12):
I didn't know prayer could do that.
Sometimes we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are.
Does that count as blessings?
Yeah, sure.
Shit.
Yeah.

(43:37):
That was amazing.
Haggard smiled knowingly.
God is an amazing guy.
McGonagall.
I don't know what voice I want.
He sure is.

(43:58):
Good.
The reverend's wife chuckled before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upward.
Lord, please set the table with the sky blue cloth and the Sunday dishes and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy creamy mashed potatoes and my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter and for dessert some chocolate raspberry cookies.

(44:35):
Yeah, if it means me converting to Christianity to get that kind of a supper.
Jesus, Lord, I am your child reborn.
This is not like I'm just I'm surprised by all this because it's still very much magic, you know.

(44:59):
Yeah, it's just magic.
It's rocking.
Okay, so religious magic's mine.
Exactly.
It is.
You get it.
All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife asked for them, massively prepared and delicious smelling.
Harry's mouth dropped open.

(45:20):
Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife.
I'm assuming that's Proverbs 31.
No, it's 31 and it's too long for me to read in one go, but the ideal woman is virtuous, strong and selfless.
That's the message.
Because she makes gravy.
Hell yeah, she does.

(45:43):
Hermione!
The reverend summoned loudly.
Dinner time!
Immediately and with cheerful obedience, an 11 year old girl in a pretty pink dress and a matching bow came running down the stairs.
She ran over to her father.

(46:06):
She ran over to her daddy and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.
I'm daddy.
She smiled and then turned to his wife.
And I help it all with dinner, mommy.
It's all prepared, thanks be to God.

(46:34):
Her mother retorted gracefully.
Hermione nodded knowingly.
I need to figure out how I'm going to do Dumbledore's voice.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll go in the complete opposite direction of the original yelling.
Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our new student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.

(47:06):
Drink!
Dumbledore introduced magnanimously.
Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh wait, that's Hermione. I thought it was Harry.

(47:29):
I saw the H.
Pleased to meet you.
Hermione responded sweetly with a shy grin.
Harry could barely respond.
This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across.
So different from all the girls in public school who were focused on trying to be like the career woman they saw on the sex in the city.

(47:55):
This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness, Shug.
Now.
Dumbledore pronounced genially.
Let's eat.
As the holy man, women, and little one stuck into the delicious...

(48:21):
Ma...
Ma...
Mana?
Mana?
Then like RPG games?
Okay.
Delicious mana.
The Lord had granted them.
The conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics.
Harry listened intently and he did not understand it, but he was very interested.

(48:45):
For the record, mana in the Bible is the substance miraculously supplied as food to the Israelites in the wilderness.
In Exodus.
Interesting.
Whether this is a troll or not, they certainly did their biblical research. I've never heard that in my life.
Damn.
Dark days are shit.

(49:07):
Wow.
Slowly morphing into one southern voice.
Dark days are coming.

(49:28):
Agri pronounced gravely around a mass full of casserole.
Evil forces are coming into this world and the little ones at High Court may be our last resort.
Psalm 127.5.

(49:51):
Psalm 127.5 blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court and it's about having children.
Teeth and quiver.
My god.
Dumbledore referenced solemnly and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world, Shug.

(50:20):
Author's note, blessings.
My throat.
Do I already? I may have to go get a refill after this one.
I might too.
She got a refill. I want an automatic refill.

(50:43):
I texted him like an hour ago and asked him if he'd bring me a refill and he's just texted me back and was like, yes.
Here we go.
Lauren, I think it's you and I's time to go get refills too. We'll be right back, folks.
Slay.

(51:04):
I think I made a bad choice by picking the most number of like women.
Yeah, because women don't talk because they don't have rights. Don't you know that?
Damn straight.
Lauren is making a godly drink. She wanted us to let you, the listeners, know.

(51:30):
Okay, guys, since we're talking about since Lauren is making a godly drink, I have a question for the audience.
If because I had someone ask me this question recently.
If you were being served at communion, what would represent your body and what would represent your blood?

(51:51):
My body would be a cheese curd, a real cheese curd, not this fake cheese curd crap that you get in the States.
Real Canadian cheese curds or Wisconsin. If you're from that area like you guys have real cheese curds, but none of this like when you're in the South and it's like cheese curds and it's like actually mozzarella bites.

(52:15):
That's not cheese curds, guys. No, I hate to break it to you. My body is a cheese curd.
Obviously, I think that my blood. Listeners, I have four cans on my desk. I just can't hold all four at once.

(52:36):
I think that's pretty easy.
Personally, I think my body because I had to think about this for a bit because someone asked me, I think at work, it was one of my coworkers and I was like, oh, that's such an interesting question.
I think my body would have to be

(53:01):
a five guys fry.
Just a single French fry from five guys.
And my body and my blood would be
Hmm.
Really hard.

(53:25):
It would be waterloo.
Cherry lime soda water.
That's what I think.
Lauren's blood would be actual human blood in her soda stream.

(53:46):
Okay, here we go. Her body would be a serving of Kraft Mac and cheese original pre-designed with original ingredients with almond milk instead of regular milk.
But her blood is Roy Rogers mocktail.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
Oh my god. So let us know in the comments on our social medias. What would your body and blood be if you were served at communion?

(54:14):
Lauren said that she likes she liked where my head was at on my guess. It's just actual human blood in a soda stream.
I had no idea what her body was going to be at that point. I hadn't decided.
Yeah, probably just like an exorbitant amount of like real lactose cheese, because there's something that Lauren loves to do before we record.

(54:39):
It's eat an ungodly amount of cheese. No pun intended for what we're recording now.
Even though she is very very allergic to cheese.
So lactose intolerant.
Like guys, my tummy hurts. Like, I wonder why? Was it the five cheese pizza you ate six minutes ago?

(55:02):
Oh god.
And we can bully her because she is not here. She can only chat in our little chat thing and it's not part of the audio format.
Sinful blasphemy, says Lauren.

(55:26):
Lauren, when you said you were going to go refill your drink, I didn't realize you had to go to the liquor store.
Yeah, to get it.
Five, four, three, two, one.

(55:51):
I returned my lovelies.
I made a whole asmohito.
I killed my berries. I squeezed my limes.

(56:19):
An auditory hell.
Alright, Ashlyn.
I'm so ready.
I'm ready.

(56:56):
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Oh god. There were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there thanking me for doing the Lord's work.

(57:28):
What? You don't like it when I call you mommy?
Mommy?
Well, I know when the Lord is telling me something. So here's another chapter for all you mommies out there.
And all of you non-believers spreading hatred. Well, let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story is over.

(57:53):
Listen, we will get to the end of part two of this and then we'll do like a head count of who all has like turned to God.
I gotta pull up my list. Okay.
When the delicious feeling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some tasty, oh gosh, some last tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth.

(58:19):
He was very full and very tired. Discovering the truth, capital T, being saved and coming to Hogwarts. It had certainly been a long day for this little one.
Oh, your look. Oh, my colors are blush and bashful. You look like you could use a good night's sleep.

(58:43):
Said the Reverend's wife, Carmen did daintily. This is going to kill me.
It's not easy.
How would you like to move into your dormitory?
I would love to.
Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him.

(59:09):
Sometimes people who have done who have done without are the most grateful.
Ermani, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?
Dumbledore suggested wisely. I'd love to, daddy.
That was cute, actually. I'd love to, daddy.

(59:35):
Oh, God.
Hermione replied obediently with an innocent girlish smile.
Yeah, I'm going to drink that one.
We forgot to add cringe, guys. We forgot to add if you cringe, you gotta take a drink.
Reply to immediately with the where was I?

(01:00:00):
Oh, oh, I lost it again. It is a girlish smile.
Nope, that's Southern. How did I get here?
It's a girlish smile and got to her feet and smooth. No, I'm lost it again.
I'm so bad at this. You're Southern. Think of it. You gotta think of your Midwestern roots. Midwestern roots.

(01:00:26):
Okay, my Midwestern roots. Here we go.
Hermione replied obediently with an innocent girlish smile and got to her feet and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming pink frog.
Should I clean the kitchen first?
I can take care of that.
So Reverend's wife answered, oh my God, indulgently.

(01:00:48):
And she was all, oh my God, this is so hard.
And she was already beginning to clear the elegant porcelain dishes.
Thank you, mommy.
Hermione shouted gratefully and she walked over to Harry. Would you like, please, would you please come with me?
Harry blushed shyly. He got to his feet. His son had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls.

(01:01:12):
She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman.
Drinking. I'm high and smart.
And I'm career driven.
Pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks.

(01:01:36):
But it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was.
A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord because after all, it is the Lord.
I don't really think the Lord likes it when I do my bat eyed winged makeup and say, you know, fucking bitches get money.

(01:01:58):
But, you know, that's fair.
Gave her a pretty face and nice hair, taking care of what is important.
Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.
The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night.
And for a few minutes, they were both silent.

(01:02:19):
Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet demure girl to be as nervous as he was.
Going outgoing, oh my God, but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself.
After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly.
Welcome to Hogwarts. It's a wonderful place.

(01:02:43):
And we really are so glad to have you here.
Harry's face reddened as they crossed the expensive flowery field.
They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing stone academic looking buildings.
Thank you.
He muttered happily.
It is beautiful. It feels very holy.

(01:03:08):
Dear God.
It is.
Hermione commented enthusiastically and her chocolate colored, carefully curled tresses were bouncing along with her steps.
My father is a very godly man and he spread the word of the Lord and his greatest dream.
And to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream.

(01:03:31):
There we go.
Truly, that is a noble dream.
Harry responded gravely.
Nope.
Harry responded gravely with the wisdom beyond his gears.
I'm sorry, you were making fun of me earlier about misspelling, about not being able to say words and you're stumbling over these sentences, my love.

(01:03:54):
I was struggling so bad. I was making fun of you, but turn about as fair play and I'm down.
Yeah.
They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely green meadow.
Oh God.
I cannot switch accents that fast.
You got it.
It's so rhetorical this way.

(01:04:16):
Here, Hermione.
Hermione exposed.
This way.
This way.
There's like five syllables in a one syllable word. I was very impressed with them.

(01:04:37):
This way.
It was way, way.
You're like, a ball is dormitory. Is this a way?
There's like an I and an E somewhere.
Oh my God.

(01:05:01):
Oh my God.
I'm going to pee again.
I don't think I speak a single time this chapter, so I could theoretically go pee as we read.
Try it.
It's just me back and forth and I'm going to die here.

(01:05:24):
I'll be right back.
And with the innocent casual affection so often found in children, she grabbed Harry's hand and she led him around the edifice of classrooms.
Harry was so nervous he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect Christian drink.

(01:05:45):
Before you leave, drink.
But he could, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to stop, came to a stop in front of a tall stone tower.
This is the boys dormitory. The devout young woman explained kindly.
Oh my God.

(01:06:06):
It's not good.
I just can't.
Let's keep going. It's fine.
And she gestured to the heavy oak door beside them.
I would show you inside, but I would hate to cause a scandal.
I understand.
Harry declared graciously, too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden.

(01:06:31):
It is the mark of a true old fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife.
And we all know that it would be a terrible stand to bring another man's wife into intimacy.
Why does modern culture believe, why does modern culture suddenly treat that as OK, simply because he does not have her yet?

(01:06:57):
Man's laws may permit it, but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.
Yowza.
Wow.
That was a doozy.
That was a doozy.
I need to go back to the restroom to throw up.
That was awful.

(01:07:19):
Laura, did you pee?
Yeah.
That was like under two minutes. That was impressive.
What does it take you longer than two minutes?
I like sit there and I like I like say hi boys.
And I had it.
No.
I sit there and I go, only the phone goes and I go push and it goes.

(01:07:41):
I have to run up a flight of stairs into the opposite end of the house to pee.
See, I could literally like if I lean far enough, I can touch my bathroom door from here.
That makes sense.
We'll cut that part out.
I don't know why.
Yeah, I don't know either.
OK, go ahead. If you want to talk about your pee on the Internet, go ahead.

(01:08:06):
She has more than once.
It's been worse.
OK, I'm abandoning.
I can't I can't switch between the both accents.
So her money moved to push open the imposing large door, but she struggled with the knob.
It was quite a heavy door.
But Harry was a good devout Christian.
Now he would not have a young godly girl struggling to open a door with which he was perfectly capable of opening himself.

(01:08:31):
With a simple faith, so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees and lifted his head sky as hands skyward and shouted prayerfully.
Dear Lord, please open these doors and allow me to enter my new home.
Oh, my God.
With a loud thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open.

(01:08:56):
Harry stood up piously as Hermione's jaw dropped.
Now she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord.
Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm.
He blushed once more.
Wait, Harry, Hermione uttered quickly.
There's something you should know.
What is it?

(01:09:17):
Harry queried question me queried questioningly.
Are you kidding me?
Queryed?
My father says that dark times are coming.
Hermione spoke worryly.
Oh, sorry.
There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for.

(01:09:38):
He is pushing an agenda in Congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely.
Yowza!
God.
Are they American in this?
I guess so.
They would have to be because there's no Congress in the United Kingdom.
Oh, dear God.

(01:09:59):
Oh, here we go because here's Harry coming in.
But that's what our founded fathers built this nation for.
Harry cried indignantly.
The freedom of religion.
Voldemort doesn't care.
Hermione remarked sadly and she shook her head.
And he is gaining power.

(01:10:20):
The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day.
Soon it will be like it was in Rome.
Lovely ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate terrified face.
And from the black lions.
Hey, remember when I just made this drink and it was full of the brim?

(01:10:41):
That was right here.
It was right here.
Ah.
The black lions.
Sorry.
That's so funny.
It's awful.
It will be all right.
Harry reassured manfully.

(01:11:03):
We will just need to pray really, really hard.
That's why we're here after all.
You're so brave.
Harry pronounced admiringly as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
She flung her arm around her arms around Harry's neck.
Thank you for giving me courage.
Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home.

(01:11:27):
It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep.
The tower consisted of an old stone staircase winding up the steep sacred walls.
And there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor.
Harry felt very lost for a moment.
He quickly.

(01:11:49):
Oh, my thing is like staggered.
Wait, I can't see it.
Where's my mouse?
Holy smokes.
Okay.
This was God now.
Ashlyn.
But a quick prayer showed him the way as he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day.

(01:12:10):
He thought about the days that were coming.
It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when he did.
There's no blessings at the end of this.
I don't know.
I have my screen zoomed in.
And it cuts off like the last two letters of every word.
So I'm like guessing at some of these.

(01:12:33):
Here's the chapter we read for.
Here we go.
Oh, is it?
I'm so excited.
It's leading up to it, though.
Yes, it is.
Oh, my God.
I am a new friend.
Hello, friends.
I'm very this is the author's note, by the way.

(01:12:54):
Hello, friends.
I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, because just as soon as one little one.
Just as soon as one sick little one gets better.
Wouldn't you know it, another one starts running the fever.
A mommy's life sure is exhausting.
I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things have settled down.

(01:13:16):
But the hubby says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the Williams of man.
So all thanks to.
Efficence.
These are the sessions, five, 22 through 24 for the speedy update.
The wife should serve her husband in the same spirit as that of the church's service to Christ.

(01:13:37):
So is the hubby then asking for the updates because he wants actually he's actually the number one fan.
That's what it sounds like.
Honestly, the Midsrides question mark.
Lord.
Oh, and on the note of some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter.

(01:13:58):
Well, far be it from me not to spread the word of the Lord.
Another question I've gotten is in the original.
I love she puts quotations around original books.
Those are the original books you're stealing this from.
They're not godly, so they're not worthy of being real.
Another question I've gotten in the original books, Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority.

(01:14:24):
And how do I feel about this?
Well, this is quite a toughie if you ask me.
I talked with the hubby about it and we agree that usually it's good to obey authority.
When authorities act in contrary to the Lord, you should talk to the authority about it.
X 529.
And Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.

(01:14:46):
You just must see authority figures make bad decisions in this chapter.
Nobody is perfect except for the Lord.
Not even Dumbledore, no matter what the original books told you about how Harry Potter handles with his big questions in the story.
Hint, it will be very different from the quote unquote original books.
And finally, I got a PM from a lovely friend who was just a bit confused.

(01:15:09):
So just clear this up now.
I do not only read the quote unquote original books.
Those belongs to J.K.R.
So without further ado.
I scrolled. I think this is another chapter where I don't see a single thing.
I look out for you.
I caught it.
Harry woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress.

(01:15:31):
It was the only thing that he had the energy to observe in his surroundings.
The room was small, but also everything a little boy needed.
There was a big, warm fireplace in the gray stone wall across from him.
A shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books.
The Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf.
Of course.
Yep. Sorry.
I'm reading it on my Kindle and it cut off right there.

(01:15:54):
So I was like, on the shelf.
Of course.
And there was a simple wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate tire.
And of course, a clean porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.
It was the only thing that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room.
It was the same as his own bed, except that this other bed had not been made.

(01:16:17):
Also, the bed had its own Bible in it and looked different from the one on the shelf.
But where was this new roommate of his?
Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockily bright red hair
kneeling in a seemingly piety as he prayed to a small statue.
At this shocking sight, Harry felt horror, but he quickly composed himself and declared,
Hello, my friend. My name is Harry Potter. And I take it that we're roommates. What's your name?

(01:16:45):
Ronald Weasley.
The other boy responded friendly. He had reached out a hand of shite.
Welcome to Hogwarts. I'm a Christian, too.
Really? Harry exclaimed delightfully and clasped his hands together.
This is joyous news.

(01:17:07):
Ronald smiled deviously, and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue.
He wondered why that would be. He was new to this whole Christianity thing.
OK, does Christianity count as Christian? Because it's a capital C.
Well, we missed Welcome to Hogwarts. I'm a Christian, too.
Two drinks.

(01:17:30):
Maybe that was OK. Still didn't feel quite right. He briefly resolved he would bring it up a thimble door.
Would you like to come with me to breakfast?
Ronald queered politely.

(01:17:52):
I'm just going to say queered.
There's no I. It's just queered.
I'm getting you fun with phonics for your birthday this year.

(01:18:13):
Thank you. I don't know why she just doesn't say asked. I'm so tired of her using queered.
We should do a little phonics episode.
I would love that.
As he got up from the statue, he had been kneeling in front of.
They have delicious food here in the Great Hall.

(01:18:34):
Would I ever?
Harry cried delightfully, and he bolted out of bed and brushed his teeth and washed his face.
The little one certainly had a healthy appetite.
In a jiffy, Harry's new friend had joined the streaming of young lads onto the steps, winding stairs heading to breakfast.
They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall.
They wafted right into their noses. Before they knew it, they were all sitting at the Great Hall.

(01:18:58):
Come sit with me and my family.
Ronald offered eagerly.
Oh, I switched into British.
Ronald offered eagerly. He'd motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his.

(01:19:21):
Come on, come on, come on. I can't wait for them to see that I've made a new friend.
Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation.
Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be. And how many believers have been led astray about those situations.
Oh, God. Guys, guys, guys.

(01:19:44):
Ronald screeched joyously as he pulled Harry towards the table of his family.
This is Harry Potter, and he is my new roommate.
I think all three of us should say it in unison. Three, two, one.
Hello, Harry.

(01:20:05):
The Weasley course in unison.
Okay, we got another part. Okay, ready? Three, two, one.
Welcome to the house of weird and miracles.
I hope that came across in the recording as bad as it sounded.

(01:20:27):
Hello, Harry Stammered shyly.
Something about this group made him nervous.
Nice to meet you.
He sat down at their table. He could smell delicious breakfast.
Where was the food?
No sooner he thought across the mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came to the Great Hall stage,
dropped down on his knees and braces, hands skyward and screamed,

(01:20:48):
Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage, each two for the ladies,
a bowl of our oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks,
two poached eggs cooked all the way through,
home fried seasoned with garlic and a glass of orange juice and milk and dishes to the task.
I think this Hogwarts is just a cracker barrel.

(01:21:10):
I feel like it is.
It's such like just what you would order a cracker.
Yep.
Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him.
The food looked and smelled amazing.
He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious bread.
Ah yes, the women in the kitchen.
They prayed for it, then it just appeared.

(01:21:32):
How would she have done anything about it?
God knows how to be in the kitchen.
Before he dug in the food, he remembered that he had something to discuss with the Reverend.
Harry fought his nervousness and he ran after Dumbledore as he hoped dexterously off the stage.
Excuse me.

(01:21:54):
The young believer cried innocently as he ran after the Reverend as fast as little legs could carry him.
Excuse me, Reverend.
What is it, son?
The Reverend reiterated kindly.
He was dressed respectfully in a sturdy manly jeans and a red, white, and blue plaid shirt
in which a few V-Rowl tresses were visible and a pair of admirable brown cowboy boots.

(01:22:17):
Are you settling in?
All right.
I sure am, Harry reported graciously.
How are things with your family?
Very well, replied Dumbledore knowingly.
He was impressed with this as one's manners.
Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?

(01:22:41):
Well, Harry began uncomfortably.
He had scuffed his blue sneakers foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall.
I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue.
Is that really okay thing to do?
That's a real toughie.
Dumbledore, it's her to ponder his ways.

(01:23:04):
Damn.
Well, I don't worship idols.
It is in fact a very unchristian thing to do.
I've got a drink to that.
Amen.
What did you just say?

(01:23:25):
Amen.
But you see at Hogwarts we divide ourselves into sword and hats.
After breakfast all new little ones would choose their hats.
Each after the different hats have different beliefs.
But we all love the Lord.
And what more common do you need?

(01:23:54):
That does sound true, Harry Potter, sensibly.
But is it really?
It seems that if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves.
Is the division between the different hats really so significant as to divide in Christianity?

(01:24:19):
What are these divisions?
That's a drink, by the way.
I said two drinks.
I won't think of that.
We heard both of them.
Well, they are somewhat significant, Dumbledore allowed tentatively.
He turned into Yogi Bear.
Oh no, I turned into Yogi Bear again.

(01:24:41):
That's your Freddy Fazbear impersonation.
Not again.
Gregory, do you believe in God?
For instance, I am a Gryffindor hat.
I believe everything in the Bible and only the Bible.
That redhead remnant of yours is a Slytherin hat.

(01:25:06):
And Slytherins worship statues?
Harry queried innocently.
The Reverend nodded it greatly.
And how are they Christians?
Harry questioned skeptically.
What about Exodus 24-6?
That's a Ten Commandment.

(01:25:28):
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image or likeness of anything that is in heaven above or that is in the earth beneath or that is in the water under the earth.
Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them nor serve them for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God visiting thee in equity of the fathers upon the children unto...

(01:25:53):
I and I enter unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.
Okay.
Cool.
Bars.
Whale.
Whale.
Thanks, Boris.
Straight Bars!

(01:26:14):
He doesn't have our wishes.
He can write a disc like that.
Well, they have different commandments.
Dumbledore explained Whale meaningly.
They love the Lord.
That is all we need.
But do they really love the Lord?
Excuse me.

(01:26:39):
I couldn't hold it back.
That's the Holy Spirit moving through you, hon.
I think you just gasped.
But do they really...

(01:27:02):
I have the giggle smell.
Oh no.
Make a joyful noise.
Am I right?
But do they really love the Lord?
Harry posted timidly.
If they do, then why do they worship statues?
Dark days are coming, Dumbledore.

(01:27:28):
Dumbledore replied earnestly.
We need to be inclusive.
If these are only Gryffindor hats at Hogwarts, there would be not many people left.
I see.
Harry conceded.
Lauren's falling asleep.
He walked to Ronald's overcrowded table.

(01:27:49):
He was getting nervous about this whole hat business.
But he supposed he did have his trust in Dumbledore.
After all, grownups know best, right?
Authors know lessons.
Okay, gotta drink guys.
Well, I am.
Okay.
Oh my God.

(01:28:10):
I'm glad to be narrating this last chapter.
Because I'm happy to have some speaking parts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My bad tires.
Talk to me, Lauren.
Authors know.
Hello, friends.
I apologize to people whose private messages I haven't been able to reply to.

(01:28:35):
But things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons.
Where is that?
Oh, I don't know.
I'll tell you.
No, she's a dependent too.
Oh, wait.
Fort Parsons is their family home because in the last census, but now all the little Parsons are in tip top shape.

(01:28:58):
Maybe.
So her.
So is it Gracie and Parsons?
Gap?
Must be.
The Rizzo anyway.
Oh my God.

(01:29:20):
I don't even know what it means.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It looks like the second Siki did not have a pneumonia after all.

(01:29:47):
And it was just the flu.
It was a rough few days, but now all the little Parsons are in tip top shape.
Yeah.
Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads.
It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them.

(01:30:08):
Tentatively, Harry sat next down next to Ronald, who was not wearing a hat since he like Harry was new.
Harry began nervously and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon.

(01:30:33):
I hate how you're doing this.
Thank you.
What sort of hat do you think you'll choose?
I will definitely choose Slytherin.
I'm getting deja vu.
Ronald declared confidently and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands.

(01:30:56):
Apparently her cat liked eating with her hands.
No silverware.
Maho family of Slytherins.
He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table and they all turned hairy and smiled and waved.
You should become a Slytherin too.
We could do it together.

(01:31:22):
It's not picking up.
Harry uttered ponderously and he took a bite of eggs.
Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?
Oh.
Ronald replied ecstatically and he kept eating his oatmeal with his grubby little sinful non-Christian hands.

(01:31:51):
Well, best of all, we believe in the Bible.
That's wonderful.
Harry reacted happily and he took a sip of his orange juice.
I do as well.
Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all.

(01:32:12):
Wait, that's not all.
Ronald continued excitedly and washed his oatmeal down with milk like a sinner.
Gryffindor hats believe in the Bible too, but Slytherins have even more.

(01:32:34):
We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person and a whole panel of Slytherin hats to tell us what to do.
Harry furrowed his innocent childish brow and he took another bite of oatmeal and he questioned confusedly.
Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?

(01:32:55):
Ronald guffawed and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth and he replied,
Why only have the Bible when you could have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God.
Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon.

(01:33:17):
Of course I only pray to God. Who else would I pray to?
What about Mary?
Ronald posited angrily. Wait, shit, shit!
Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. I was almost British.

(01:33:38):
The British bug comes in randomly and you're like, wait, out of there, get out of here.
Hey, the southern accent is derived from the British, so that makes sense.
Yeah.

(01:34:01):
No, it's Ashlyn.
No, I read it, it's you.
No, you have to at least worship her.
I said that.
I didn't hear you say that, say it again.
You have to at least worship to her.
You mean the mummy of our lord?
Oh shit, sorry my screen rearranged. Sorry, hold on.

(01:34:27):
Okay, I'm here. Harry demanded a scandal and he chewed his bacon.
I don't worship her.
Well then, God hates you.
I'm drinking to that. That's how that triggered me.
Ron's... Ron...

(01:34:54):
Ron stated simply in pieces of bacon flew out of his my office, it did so.
Harry was tentative since he was new to this whole Christianity thing.
Cheers.
I'm going to sit up or else I'm going to choke on my cocktail.

(01:35:22):
You know, we get really deep into it when we start going and burping.
We're there.
But he did not think God would hate him for not worshiping his mummy.
On the contrary, he had a hunch that God wanted people to worship him.

(01:35:48):
Don't listen to him.
Why does everyone you voice sing?
I don't know, what am I in the mood for? Let me alone.
Harry Potter the musical.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm a wizard, boom.
Amazing.

(01:36:13):
Hey, I'm a wizard, boom.
Hey, I'm a wizard.
Let me a bottle of Coke beat your ass.
I'm feeling the alcohol all over there.
Yeah.
Yep.
Commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

(01:36:39):
Harry turned around and saw a girl about his own age.
Her pale yellow hair was tied in the braids.
She wore a tight tight-ass shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair.
Peace in quotation marks.
These signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.

(01:37:03):
You should not become a Slytherin hat.
The girl continued, shit, the girl.
You were good, you got it.
The girl continued, go.
I'm trying to like use like, sup girl, when I'm right, like, with like, go.

(01:37:31):
The girl continued confidently and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon.
But it did not smell or taste like bacon.
It missed that smoky, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have and it tasted like meat.
I decided to give it just like vegetables but it's a canine dine bread.

(01:37:55):
Yuck.
Harry would take bacon over the honey day of the week.
They're far too strict.
Harry, hmm, skeptically.
He was not sure that this whole Slytherin business, but the word strict was not what came to mind.
You should become a Hufflepuff hat.

(01:38:19):
The girl instructed arrogantly and continued to nibble at a breakfast.
That's what I'm going to do.
What do, oh no, I've made them the same. What am I going to do?
Right? I'm dying.

(01:38:40):
What do Hufflepuff's hats believe in?
Harry pondered aloud and he took a bite of his real bacon.
Oh, how he wanted to find the true hat.
So tempted to drink there.

(01:39:01):
Hufflepuff hats believe in the Bible, but only some of it.
I'll drink some vegetarian.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Alona explained casually and she was still feeding on that stuff.

(01:39:30):
We don't believe in the stuff about fornication and drinking and socialism, but we really like Matthew 7-1.
That's not that you not be judged.
We're really fun. We seem really nice and really tolerant. As long as you agree with us.

(01:39:52):
That was when a derisive, derisive laugh echoed to the cafeteria.
Oh, you smug looking young man about Harry's age with slicked back hair and even pearly blondes and blue.
What the fuck is wrong?
No, it's good. You're just going into a weird Georgian accent.

(01:40:15):
Oh, there it is.
I know.
And khaki stroll languidly down between the rows of tables.
Okay, I need to switch gears.
Here's your man's.
Please ignore this fool.
Oh, that was good.
That was good.

(01:40:36):
Draco drow smugly.
Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman and women are stupid.
Harry gave to this horrible person. What a mean thing to say.
Women shouldn't have careers because women are stupid.

(01:41:01):
Harry shouted indignantly.
Women are not stupid at all.
Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home.
That's where I'm going to drink.
My legs are tingly.

(01:41:22):
Draco gasps tentatively.
You are delirious. You are deluding the truth. Women are beneath men.
No, I'm not.
Harry filed back bravely.

(01:41:43):
You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it.
Women are not beneath men. Men and women are just different.
Luna smiled at him gratefully.
Draco was clearly fumbling for ground.
Here there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful.

(01:42:06):
But he finally came up with, well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin huts.
I hate Slytherins.
Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.
I don't hate Slytherin hats.
Harry declared boldly.

(01:42:29):
I think they should become Gryffindor hats, but that is because I love them, besides the Lord ate with sinners all the time.
Well, thank God for that.
Thank you, Harry.
Ronald whispered tearfully.
Well, you should just become a Ravenclaw hat like me.

(01:42:53):
Draco spluttered bluster- shit. Draco spluttered blusteringly.
We really are the best hat.
I think you mean we are really the most hateful hat.
Fucking burn, Harry.
Oh no!

(01:43:14):
Harry corrected cleverly, and then he jumped up onto the table, and he got down on his knees, and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the great hall, and he bellowed.
Dear Lord, I have made my decision. I am a Gryffindor hat.
Blessings.
Drink.

(01:43:35):
Fuck.
I can feel my legs detaching from my body.
Lauren, that's not normal. Please seek help.
But this is the way that God's plan was meant for me.
Okay, sweetie.

(01:43:57):
Okay.
This is a long author's note.
I know.
This one's pretty rough too.
I don't think I'm speaking to this one either. God.
My arms are numb.
We may have to redo the other ones for part two if this keeps going, because I want to talk.

(01:44:22):
Lauren's like, I signed up to be a host, and I didn't sign up to be silent.
I'm being silenced.
Lauren, do you want to narrate this one?
If that's all right with you.
Go for it, baby.
Go for it, baby.

(01:44:43):
Author's note. Hello, friends.
This chap took longer to write than I thought it would.
There is so much to be done here at Fort Harrison's.
Some days I don't think I'll ever get caught up.
But now that the little ones are sound asleep,
and I'm finally getting around to putting the finishing touches on this little chapter,

(01:45:05):
I apologize for the delay.
Now, there have been quite a few questions and comments coming in,
and I thought I should take time to address a few,
since I don't have time to reply individually.
First of all, to all the mommies, the mommies,
who have expressed their appreciation of this little story of mine,

(01:45:29):
I want to thank you for your support.
I love you.
Your support keeps me writing.
Yeah.
Remember.
Those glory is not mine.
It's the work of a greater cause.
And the people who call me names, a Bible, believe in Frank.

(01:45:56):
I'm not a big ugly monster who lives under a bridge
and want everyone to do the right thing and to go to heaven makes one a so-called,
in quotation marks, bigot.
Well, that's this modern world for you.
And finally, to the people who say I am, quote, spread and hate,

(01:46:19):
take a look at some of the comments posted here,
I'm a terrible writer and terrible mother whose children will hate her one day.
Who is it who is spreading hate here?
Because I don't think it's me.
She makes a point.
She kind of ate.

(01:46:42):
The great heart burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cat
with the lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harris head.
He walked definitely off the table and landed on his widow.
He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him.
And he knew he could make the right decision.
He was even more smush.

(01:47:05):
He was even more sure of his decision when Hermione dashed across the cafeteria
to give him a big spontaneous hug.
She, too, was sporting a red and yellow baseball cap,
although her cap had a kitten on it instead of a lion,
because women can't like aggressive predatory animals like lions.

(01:47:28):
Or was it because she said she was afraid of lions?
Oh, I blacked out like five chapters ago.
I'm not mentally present.
We are only on chapter seven.
I can't retain anything that's been said.
I am so happy, Harry.
She got raspberry on my lip.

(01:47:51):
Oh, she.
I forgot I muted myself and you guys couldn't hear me.
What are you so quiet?
She cried gladly, delicate tears streaming down her face.

(01:48:17):
When I saw you eating with that family, I was so scared.
I thought you might become a Slytherin.
Never worry about that, Harry declared boldly and bravely.
I am a Gryffindor, now and forever.

(01:48:38):
Well chosen.
Sorry, that was a burp.
Dumbledore declared a proven lens.
He took long, energetic strides across the crowded, noisy room.
Welcome to Gryffindor, Harry.

(01:49:01):
I just realized who I sound like.
You sound like a Curio Shop guy.
Welcome to the Curio Shop.
Oh my god.
What you looking for?
Harry Bean Tapley.
Truly he had been blessed to drink.
I don't want to.
I know.

(01:49:27):
As he sat down to finish his breakfast.
What?
Just the taste of wine does not taste very good right now.
I'm sure.
And he was still glowing from joy.
He sat back next to Ronald.
Will you still be my friend, even though you are in a different heart?

(01:49:52):
Ronald asked timidly.
Of course.
Harry cried, sorry.
Harry declared generously and he began to eat his eggs.
He had expected his eggs to be cold by now.
What with all the hula-booloo, but lo and behold, they were still popping hot.
He would not pretend that what Ronald believed about worshiping the dead.

(01:50:15):
But he could still offer the young boy friendship in the spirit of Matthew 2, 16 through 17.
And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with the publicans and sinners,
they said unto his disciples, how is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?
When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, that they that are whole have no need of the physician,

(01:50:36):
but that they that are sick, I cannot to all, oh my God, I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
Harry able to read that so fast while under the influence.
I'm just good, I guess.
Damn, she said getting good.

(01:50:57):
She said getting her.
Lauren, I love your uncle Lauren.
What's wrong?
Your bangs are fully back and over your headphones, which makes it look like you have one of the evangelical hair bums going.

(01:51:21):
I've been looking at myself this whole time.
Every time we get drunk, we get a different hairstyle.
Sensei, I'm about to.

(01:51:44):
God, Ronald uttered happily, he may have been sporting a green and black hair with a snake on it, which testified to his slithering beliefs,
but he can recognize Harry's pure heart and godliness, generosity, humility and innocent goodness.

(01:52:05):
He looked around at his many siblings, which are born from lack of birth control.
Oh my God, and he wondered why none of them were like that.
Attention students.
Reverend Dumbledore announced authoritatively as he hopped on the stage and he held the microphone by his mouth.

(01:52:33):
Sorry, I interpreted that as like holding the microphone in his mouth.
I understand now.
So funny.
Congratulations.

(01:52:54):
He continues kindly.
I'm sure you have to say Harry himself.
He knew that the reverie meant well, but was it really doing the members of the other heads much good to tell them that everything was the same when it was.

(01:53:21):
Wouldn't they all be happier if they knew to read the Bible and take it seriously?
Dumbledore thought he was making everyone happy.
I think I'm slowly slipping into Bobby Hill, the more that I read this and went from, it went from something like, you know,
Well, dad, Dumbledore thought he was making everyone happy and perhaps he was in short run, but in the long run, Harry worried that he was doing more harm than good.

(01:53:50):
Harry did not say anything.
That's my purse.
Because he was new to the fire and didn't feel confident in his connection with the Lord.
But sometimes it takes newcomers to point out the flaws we don't see in our own communities.
God, the reverie clapped his hands against each other's walls and then he spoke enthusiastically.

(01:54:14):
Now you sharing the most of your classes with the other members of your head.
So it'd be good for you to get to know them now.
Ravenclaw hats, please gather around Mr. Moody.
Hufflepuff hats, please gather around Mr. Sprout.
And silver hats, please gather around Mr. Finnegan.

(01:54:37):
And Gifford door hats, please gather around Mr. Snape.
Bye bye!
But Mr. Sprout is Miss Sprout in the books.
So is this author implying that women can't teach?
Correct.
And who is Mr. Finnegan?
Seamus.
Yeah, Seamus. I don't know.

(01:54:59):
Yes, Seamus Finnegan, the teacher, not the student.
Not the pyromaniac.
Now at the beginning of the breakfast meal, Harry had noticed a tall, mysterious looking man with long dark hair and gaunt, enigmatic features.

(01:55:21):
He was dressed stylishly in a crisp black suit and his tie made a shock of red in the otherwise totally black outfit.
The dark hair on a...is Snape the devil?
I don't know.
Oh my God, I'm so hype!
The dark hair on his pale chest was neatly trimmed but still noticeably thin.
What is up with her ingest hair?

(01:55:44):
I think she's a king for it.
I kind of get it.
And he wore elegant black leather shoes on both of his feet.
It was now that he noticed that on the table that this man was sitting at was a placard that said on it, Mr. Snape.
Harry filed the other brave young children with his revenue hands. Offers no blessings.

(01:56:08):
That's it.
I'm out of wine.
I'm almost done with this beverage.
Good news, that was your last chapter.
Yay!
Well, Ashlyn, do you have any questions for us?
No.
For this.
Cool.
On a scale of one to ten, how trashed are you?

(01:56:32):
I'm at like a solid six right now.
Isn't that like a five?
That's just a five, Lauren?
Yeah, I feel like I'm still very grounded in reality.
You said you couldn't feel your legs earlier.
Well, that was momentarily.
And with that, we've got everybody who has slept tonight.

(01:56:58):
Thank you for tuning in to Tipsy Fan Fake Nights.
You can find us on any of our socials like Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, Twitch, and anywhere you follow the RPH podcast.
Send us bookracks at our email at rogiepowerhour at gmail.com or the link in the bio and any of our socials.

(01:57:21):
Join us next week where we do part two of this little shit show that we're calling Tipsy Fan Fake Night.
And see how the Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles concludes.
And with that, I'll say goodnight to you vivacious vixens.

(01:57:46):
Yeah, that sounds good.
And as always, stay raunchy.
This is really good for being drunk.