Trigger warning episode
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, welcome back to episodenumber nine of it.
Real beauty with AF I hopeeveryone is having a great week
so far.
I have been zooming through myend of year checklist.
And for everyone that knows mewell, enough will know I have
crazy OCD.
(00:20):
And before the end of the year,I basically.
He goes through every singledrawer cupboard.
Piece of clothing.
Everything in the house to tryand ensure that I've kind of
purged where I need to purgeI've tie-dyed I've organized so
that I'm going into the nextyear with like the best karma
possible.
Um, And honestly the more aslike look to analyze it and just
(00:45):
seeing my behavior over the lastcouple of months.
I've seen myself kind of startthis checklist way earlier than
normal.
So I have two more doors and I'mdone.
And it is what the 14th ofNovember.
Um, so anyway, I'm definitelyhad to myself and it just goes
to show if there are certainareas of your life that you
(01:06):
can't control, you willtypically then focus on the
areas that you can, which isclearly what I'm doing.
Um, This is maybe also why I'm.
And we're like shopping habitshave been crazy.
But anyway, positive thinking Iwill go into the years saving
and in a much better routine.
So, I know I mentioned that'skind of one of my resolutions,
(01:29):
So, yeah, I'm super, superexcited about that.
Okay.
Before I continue with thispodcast, I do want to mention
that this potentially may be atrigger warning to anyone that
has suffered.
loss of a child Ms.
Carriage.
Maybe you're trying to getpregnant, or you maybe have
(01:51):
others in your life that havepotentially gone through this.
I do want to mention that ifthis is something that's extra
sensitive to you.
Feel free to skip this episodeand also episode 10.
as I do have someone that we.
Go into a lot of detail.
We discussed kind of thefeelings involved.
We also kind of discuss indetail kind of what happened to
(02:13):
each of us.
So, yeah, I do.
I just want to mention Secondly.
I also just want to acknowledgethat when I started this
podcast, Gosh, nearly two yearsago in January, which is wild.
This has been like the bestthing I've done.
I've enjoyed so much of this.
which I know I say all the timeand I'm internally grateful to
(02:35):
anyone that listens to this podand that has done since the
beginning.
Thank you.
But when I first started it, Ireally wanted it to be an outlet
for like beauty tips, likebargains to kind of talking
about fashion.
And then as I continued havingdiscussions it then kind of
pivoted to.
(02:56):
That internal beauty and innerconfidence.
And yes, there's a sprinkling ofkind of beauty and fashion and
kind of other things, but it'salso about the individual's
journey.
So I feel it's kind of evolved,which I love, and I love
watching that.
But I'm also trying to kind oftouch on topics that are close
(03:18):
to me.
Or it kind of relevant that Iknow if I was listening to
podcasts, it would benefit.
So specifically for this one, asI mentioned.
We are talking aboutmiscarriage.
and also a Kotick pregnancy,which unfortunately happened to
me.
And I had a cottage pregnancytwo months.
(03:38):
As of tomorrow, which is crazy.
It's also wild how much yourbody can.
Repair itself, but clearly thisis something that I continue to
deal Daley, um, and try and kindof work through emotionally.
And now I am.
You know, different.
And I go on to speak about this,but different to kind of going
(03:59):
through a miscarriage, whichactually happens in June.
So my poor body has been througha lot for sure this year.
Um, but going through that whereit is more, yes, there's
physical elements and theemotional side of things, but.
Now, like when I see myself,when I'm getting dressed, like
I, I, I see the scars andthey're going to be with me
(04:21):
forever.
so still trying to kind of dealwith that.
And I'm more than happy ifanyone.
Has gone through this or they'regoing through it.
They know someone that's gonethrough it.
I'm happy to assist withwhatever questions,
conversations.
(04:41):
Discussions.
Anything.
I want to be able to kind ofhelp.
This is definitely a sensitivestuff, subject.
But I want to talk about it.
I don't want to be that personthat, you know, my friends don't
tell me that they're pregnant orthat they're trying for baby.
Cause you know, they think I'mgoing to be upset.
It's no, I'm truly happy forother people.
(05:03):
But I don't want this to besomething that I'm ashamed of
because this happens.
So the more.
I can speak about it, althoughuncomfortable.
It's definitely not a naturalkind of positive conversation,
but I feel like it's key.
And specifically for.
You know, this podcast.
(05:25):
I went out to kind of mynetwork.
Just to kind of see.
You know, Who else is out therewho kind of provides support.
Typically, I will say enjoy.
I really enjoyed theconversation, although
emotional.
But yeah, I hope, it touches youand I hope.
That you have a betterunderstanding.
If you do know someone that hasgone through something similar,
(05:47):
and if you have gone through it,I hope you know that you're not
alone and there's others outthere that care.
So, thanks.
francene (06:00):
Thank you so much.
I'm excited about thisconversation.
Um, how are you doing
Cait (06:04):
today?
I'm doing well.
Yeah, it's, it's a good start tothe morning.
My mom just picked up mydaughter, so two free hands.
It feels nice.
Yeah.
How
francene (06:15):
about you?
Um, yeah, it's been a goodstart.
Um, my husband took care of, um,my daughter Luna, so she is out.
I do have a, my puppy is sittingoutside the door.
I know.
Eager to be sitting in with me.
Cait (06:30):
Oh yes, same here.
I threw mine in the backyard.
I was like, She's gonna becrying and whimpering.
I can just tell.
So what kind of dog
francene (06:40):
do you have?
She is a 17 week, um,Labradoodle, and she is so stink
and cute.
I'm like obsessed with her.
Um, but she's not like curlyhair.
She's, she's kind like a littlebit scruffy and I love it.
Cait (07:00):
What's
francene (07:01):
your name?
Uh, her name is Mia Jessica.
Cait (07:04):
Oh my gosh.
That's.
francene (07:07):
Clearly my daughter named her, and that's why we
have to, we have to call her aMia Jessica
Cait (07:14):
That's the best when kids name
francene (07:16):
that.
We also have a goldfish called,um, Oh my God.
It's something like PurpleEarring
Cait (07:23):
Lollipop.
Wow.
Oh, you're gonna remember thatforever.
Oh, for sure.
I had a cat named pajamasgrowing up, so
francene (07:35):
So cute.
What kind dog do you
Cait (07:36):
have?
I have, I think it's mixed, aGerman Shepherd, some kind of
mix, like a Clie or something.
Has really fluffy ears, longhair.
Big tail.
So she's hyper, but so sweet.
Her name is Ava.
francene (07:52):
welcome to Real Beauty with fd, a place where we
discuss what beauty means to us,whether it's a product that
sells out every second aroundthe world, or a cult classic to
discussing body positivity, tobuilding incredible brands.
We're here to find your littleblack dress in skincare makeup,
and more importantly, promotinghappiness within your own skin
(08:13):
and owning it.
Each episode, I'm bringing in anew personality, discuss all
things, beauty and touch ontheir inspiring stories.
So Ka, welcome to the podcast.
Cait (08:26):
Yes, thanks for having me.
I'm so excited to be
francene (08:27):
here.
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited thatyou're here.
Um, so firstly, I ask every, um,person I interview, what does
beauty mean to you?
Cait (08:39):
So I've been thinking about that.
I think the phrase beauty fromashes comes to mind.
Um, it's something that's likereally not tangible, it's like
hard to explain, but basicallysomething beautiful coming out
of something painful.
Um, that's like what I would saybeauty means to.
francene (09:01):
I love that Um, okay.
So I will say just like a littletrigger warning for anyone
listening to this podcast, um, Iknow we're gonna be touching on
things that are probably moresensitive to individuals.
Um, so please just kind of bearthat mind as you're listening to
(09:21):
both of our stories.
For anyone that kind of followsme on Instagram and also with
the podcast, I have kind oftouched on this, um, In the
past.
So let me just kinda share why Iwanted to do this specific
episode.
And I will also caveat it is9:00 AM It is early for this
(09:43):
type of discussion.
you're diving straight in.
Um, so.
A couple of months ago, or gosh,it feels like longer.
Um, unfortunately I suffered amiscarriage.
Um, so it was very early on inmy pregnancy.
Um, and you know, I have a fourand a half year old, so, you
(10:05):
know, we, I had a easy pregnancyoutside of sickness.
Um, no issues.
And to be honest, um, I haven'tnecessarily spoken to any of my
friends that have gone throughmiscarriages.
So when this happened, I feltvery ignorant.
I felt very alone.
Um, I didn't truly understandwhat was happening, why it was
(10:29):
happening.
Um, it just happened, right?
And even just kind of dealingwith that early.
It was odd to think it's notsomething we discussed.
It's not something I can go tomy friends and be like, Hey, I
was pregnant for a hot minute.
Yay.
And now this happened.
So we, we don't speak about it,nor do we promote speaking about
(10:52):
it.
Um, And then unfortunately Ithen got pregnant again, so,
Yay.
All good.
Um, and then I had, uh,pregnancy, which again, I felt
very ignorant to who knew thishappened?
Um, again, it was very early andit was this exact same symptoms
(11:14):
as a miscarriage, so it wasabout seven, eight weeks.
Mm-hmm.
Um, but what it means is thebaby or the embryo.
Is growing in the wrong locationand for me it was on one of my
fallopian tubes on the rightside.
And like there was a lot ofpain, obviously not to be gory,
(11:36):
clearly a lot of blood and Iwasn't sure what was happening.
And I went back and forth to thehospital, I wanna say like five
visits.
They, they couldn't clarify whatit was, so we left it so long
that it ruptured.
Oh, and then because of that, Iended up then having emergency
surgery where they had to removemy right fallopian tube.
(11:57):
So this happened about a monthand a half ago.
So I still feel kind of rawabout it.
I still have the scars.
Obviously, they're gonna staywith me forever.
But again, it's a conversationthat I debated.
Thinking, do I speak about thisor do I leave it the same way?
I left the miscarriage and thenI thought, why would I not speak
(12:18):
about this?
Like, it's a significant thingthat happened.
It's sad, of course, and youknow, now it's trying to
maneuver the next journey of,okay, I only have one side now
what does that mean?
So I feel like I'm trying toeducate myself.
Anyway, I'm going very highlevel.
Um, but the reason I connectedwith you is I was looking
(12:40):
through Instagram and thinking,Well, there must be places that,
you know, there's more of thesediscussions.
What can I do?
And I found your account.
So it's, um, due Tojo RainbowCo.
And it's just incredible.
It's miscarriage care packages.
You have so much greatinformation on your site.
(13:02):
Um, so that's why I targeted youto be like, Hey, can you please
come on and have this discussionwith me?
Cause I cannot do this myself.
Cait (13:09):
oh my goodness.
Well, I'm happy you did.
I feel like we're like instantfriends and ugh, and I'm so
proud of you.
That's incredibly terrifying toshare your story out loud cuz
once it's out there like youcan't take those words back and
so I'm just, my heart feels foryou and all that you've gone
(13:30):
through.
Like you don't have to grievealone.
And that's like literally.
With every breath that I have iswhat I want to tell people.
Like, we don't have to do thisalone.
Like, and it's with how commonpregnancy loss is.
Yeah.
Four pregnancies end in a lossand like, that's massive.
(13:51):
Unfortunately, it, it makes myheart physically hurt to know
how common it is, and so I just,it hurts my heart to see people
who are just literally, Feelingso alone and so us sharing our
stories takes away the stigmaYeah.
(14:11):
That society has of Oh, it'shush hush.
Like no one would've known thatI was pregnant otherwise.
And so, um, it sort of givespower to your story and honors
your sweet babies that I knowyou carry that love for them.
So, um, I'm very thankful that.
(14:32):
Had me on and that you've sharedyour story.
I would love to talk more aboutthat with you.
francene (14:38):
Yeah.
And it's not, um, I know we kindof spoke about this a little bit
when we're mastering, but.
It's, um, again, there's notmany stories out there, and
certainly from like a friendperspective mm-hmm.
because again, typically, likeyou mentioned, like the
statistics are high when youthink about it, and typically it
(15:01):
is early on in pregnancy, sosometimes you don't even know
you're pregnant.
other times, again, it happensso quickly that you haven't got
to that typical 12 week markwhere everyone's like, Yay, I
can tell the world.
Right?
So, and you think, Okay, um, Ican't imagine how individual,
(15:23):
like I can't relate to someonethat's further along where
you've already spoken about it,you're already feeling the baby
that I, I can't, I can't evenimagine it, right?
Like it sounds, Like crazy tosay, but I feel like I got off
lightly because again, I, youknow, I, I didn't have those
(15:43):
kind of movements.
Um, it wasn't long enough for meto kinda adjust to, Oh, there,
there's a baby in there.
Right?
Um, but I can't imagineannouncing it and then being
like, Oh.
Shoot, it's, Yeah.
And then you, you have toaddress it, right?
Yeah.
You're put in a situation whereyou've, you need to explain.
(16:06):
Right.
Um, but yeah, I found saying itout loud mm-hmm.
I, so many people reach out tome and say, Hey, I've either
gone through something similaror, you know, I've suffer in
miscarriage.
I felt like I couldn't speakabout it.
Like, thank you for sayingsomething.
Um, So it's like, I, it, it mademe feel better about saying it
(16:29):
out loud, you
Cait (16:30):
know?
Yes.
Yeah.
I remember the first time Ilike, sort of publicly shared
that I had had a miscarriage.
It felt terrifying, like once Isaid it out loud.
Then I couldn't hide behind thelike facade of me being fine
anymore.
Yeah.
And so then it felt like, oh no,it's out there and I can't
(16:55):
control what people say to me.
Whether it's like well-meaningstuff.
And people would say some thingslike, Oh, I have some funny
stories, But I just like, Iremember praying, honestly like.
That I could just sort of guardmy heart and protect my heart
(17:15):
because I've just sharedsomething so intimate.
Yeah.
And like I want to, like honormy baby's life and their memory.
Yeah, of course.
Um, but sort of also hold itclose to the chest.
So there's a balance and I stilldon't really feel like I've
learned it even years later.
Um, but that's just part oflife.
(17:37):
We, we share and.
Hopefully can break that stigmaof people not feeling like they
can share.
Um, but even, like you weresaying, sort of processing
through that grief and seeinglike someone further along, or
maybe a stillborn baby or a babythat passes away from sids,
(18:00):
like, it's hard, It's so hardnot to compare.
Yeah.
Like, well, oh my gosh, I, myheart would.
I don't even know how I wouldget through that.
Yeah.
And like your, your baby was ababy too.
And so not to downplay yourloss, but saying like they're
(18:20):
both unbelievably hard.
Yeah.
And hard is hard like your Yeah.
It is unique to you and yourbaby is just as special and
loved.
So Yeah.
That's what.
That's what I would think.
I, I still fall into thecomparison trap of man, I, my,
(18:42):
my experience was hard, but Icannot imagine.
So it definitely gives youempathy.
francene (18:47):
Yeah.
And it's also, um, it's alsoways.
Like people deal with thingsdifferently, right?
Like to me, I'm very optimisticnaturally.
So I find it easier to look at asituation and be like, okay,
well it could be significantlyworse.
(19:09):
And like, we're fortunate and,and just to try and bring myself
back down.
Um, cuz it's, you know, it'seasy.
And I'm sure you probably wentthrough this too, you do.
Days or even now, it's like,it's, it's odd some situations
where, you know, in the past,and I'm sure you, we all kind of
(19:36):
get this, especially when youknow, you're either engaged or
you're getting married.
People are like, When are yougonna have a baby?
When are you gonna have a baby?
Then you have a baby and you'relike, God, go us.
Right?
You immediately have one andpeople are like, When are you
having another one?
And I took forever to make thedecision that Okay.
Go try again.
(19:57):
Um, but it's even when you thinkit's like I refuse to ask people
that question cuz especiallywhen I was younger, Oh my God.
Every month I was so paranoid.
I'm gonna get pregnant, it'sgonna be so easy to get
pregnant.
I was using like the pill, calmup everything to be like not get
pregnant.
Mm-hmm.
Then with my first child,honestly it happened.
(20:22):
Immediately.
Wow.
We were like, Let's try, andimmediately we got pregnant.
I was like, Oh Jesus.
Maybe I was right when I wasyounger.
You should be careful.
Probably the best thing you are.
But then again, as you get olderor depending on your
circumstances, and you start.
And I know now like myInstagram's probably created to,
(20:44):
now I'm catching a lot morepeople that have maybe gone
through something similar orthey're trying, or you know, IVF
or whatever it is, but youactually realize it is so hard
to get pregnant and the windowthat you have and the
percentages and.
Older you get, it's like, holyshit,
Cait (21:03):
it's hard.
It's not the same.
Yeah, it's wild.
I feel that right now cuz I'msort of my daughter's three and
a half.
You said yours is four and ahalf.
She's four and a half, yeah.
I'm like, I don't know when I'dlike to try again.
I'm like tethered between like Iwant more kids.
Like that is such a desire.
(21:24):
I don't know if I'm ready forlike, the fears that come Yes.
Hearing the baby or you know,all the, the nightmares of a
newborn and all that fun stuff.
So,
francene (21:34):
yeah.
And, and I think, um, Cuz did,if you don't mind me asking, did
you have a miscarriage beforeyour, Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cait (21:44):
So I had a miscarriage in October of 2016.
Okay.
And my husband and I had beenmarried for like a year.
Yeah.
And so, um, then two-ish yearslater I got pregnant with my
daughter Stella.
francene (21:58):
Okay.
Oh, I love that name.
I know your
Cait (22:01):
daughter's Luna, right?
Yes.
That's Tell Luna I love it.
francene (22:06):
Um, so.
I can't imagine going throughthat and then being pregnant and
fear or the concern of.
Because again, I, I never, like,my first pregnancy was very
uneventful, right?
So going into obviously thefirst one I was like, We've got
(22:31):
this, like, not hard.
So I'm kind of going through thethoughts of, oh my God, if we
get pregnant again, like, what'sgonna happen?
Are we gonna have to go throughthis again?
And, Oh God, like the risk of a,it caught pregnancy and then,
and then what?
Right.
Um, So I, I can't imagine howyou would've felt during your
(22:53):
pregnancy with Stella.
That probably carried that fearthroughout.
Right.
Cait (23:00):
And I, I write a lot about that on my blog cuz that was
such like, Pasted on my foreheadof like, Yeah, I cannot let this
fear like consume me because it,I've always been a fearful
person, like even as a kid.
And so that's always just been astruggle of like trusting that
everything's gonna be okay and.
(23:22):
If it doesn't go the way that Ihope that we will make it out
and I won't be alone.
Like, so stuff like that, um,sort of carried me through that.
And I would, I would do thingsthroughout the pregnancy.
Um, it, it was hard, honestly toconnect with Stella when
choosing my belly.
Yeah, I bet.
(23:42):
Like terrifying because.
I had this thing in the back ofmy head of like, if I get so
attached to this baby, I loseit.
It's not going to hurt less ormore.
It's going to hurt an insaneamount, like if I lose this baby
too.
Um, and so it was such astruggle to like, Actively make
(24:07):
decisions in my mind and heartto be like, I'm going to do
something today to, to connectwith this baby.
Like buy her an outfit orsomething in faith that like,
even if this does not go how Iwent, I still have this thing to
remember her by.
(24:27):
And so, That was painful to, tomake little decisions like that.
But I'm thankful that I did.
Um, because even if I were tolose her, it's, it's not like it
would hurt less if I hadconnected, like it would hurt.
There's not really a way togauge that.
(24:47):
So sort of like aself-preservation thing of like,
I'm gonna guard my heart and notopen it up to getting hurt, but
like that's what love is, that'swhat grief is like.
I have this immense amount oflove for the baby that I lost,
and that won't change with timeor how much I connected, so,
francene (25:09):
excuse me.
Yeah, it's true.
And I, I think that's importantto touch on is you know, what
you did to kind of enjoy orappreciate the moment as you
were pregnant and not allow thatto kind.
You know, disconnect you fromthe joy that you should and, you
(25:34):
know, should have felt likethroughout that, which
unfortunately going through amiscarriage or something like
that, it kind of takes thataway.
Yeah.
Um, so.
Yeah, it's, um, again, speakingout loud about this, it's, I'm
sure anyone listening where, youknow, you might have a friend
(25:55):
that you're like, God, why arethey not enjoying being
pregnant?
Why are they not talking aboutit or planning this stuff?
And it's like, you, you neverknow.
Well, the driver is behind that.
Um, and it's, you know, evenlistening to this, I, I.
Difficult, especially if you'vegone through it.
But if you haven't, it's thereason we're having these
(26:15):
discussions is to really kindaensure that you are being the
best friend.
Mm-hmm.
that maybe don't wanna talkabout this, but you are seeing
maybe.
Something that seems likethere's a little bit of
apprehension that you are ableto go in and really kind of
comfort that individual or helpthem, or again, if you've been
(26:40):
through this, maybe it wouldhelp to kind of discuss it and
you're.
Ensuring that someone isn'tfeeling alone with this.
Um, so was there any other kindof practices that you did to
ensure that you tried to feel,you know, kind of safe
(27:00):
throughout your pregnancy bestStella, that you would kind of
recommend for others kind offeeling, feeling that kinda
anxious way of, Oh my God, I, I,I want this baby so bad, but I
don't wanna.
Feel it because I'm scared incase something happens.
Cait (27:17):
Yeah.
And I think that is incrediblycommon that, um, people who are
pregnant after a loss, it's sortof like this, like self
self-preservation of like, Idon't wanna get too attached.
What if I lose it?
Um, and so I think just thinkingthrough like, I guess.
(27:39):
This comes to mind because Iremember my sisters were
planning a baby shower for me,and I just remember like the
hesitation I had of like, like,Hold off, don't.
Plan it yet.
Like I didn't want them to beinconvenienced by spending money
and planning this wholeelaborate shower if I wasn't
(28:03):
even gonna get that far.
And so I did not do thisperfectly as far as like holding
onto hope.
Like that was, it was such astruggle.
And like through that struggle.
I, I would lean on close friendsand family and friends from
church that I knew I could goto.
(28:23):
Um, and so sort of that like, Idon't know what's gonna happen
in the future, but like, God, Itrust you.
I don't know what tomorrow lookslike, but help me get through
today.
Yeah.
And so honestly, it just turnedinto, For the next 24 hours.
Yeah, I'm gonna try to remaincalm and I might fail at it
(28:46):
like, And that's okay.
There's always tomorrow.
Um, but I would say something tomyself each day of, like, today
I am pregnant.
Mm-hmm.
because I could not go theretomorrow.
Like I could, we can't step intotomorrow and know what it will
look like for us.
And so I would say I'm okay.
(29:06):
I'm safe today.
I'm pregnant.
And um, I'm loved, like I wouldjust say things that I knew I
easily forget, like I'm notalone.
Yeah.
That.
Something I'm tethered to islike the first lie that I
believe is like, you're alone.
No one else feels this way.
Yeah.
You're, you're just, you know,like you're overreacting or
(29:30):
things like that.
And talking with friends who hadgone before me and had
pregnancies after loss or had,um, also experienced a loss like
that was such a community.
I'm so thankful for in that timeand even still now, like there's
(29:52):
a whole online community.
Hey, welcome back to episodenumber nine of it.
Real beauty with AF I hopeeveryone is having a great week
so far.
I have been zooming through myend of year checklist.
And for everyone that knows mewell, enough will know I have
crazy OCD.
(00:20):
And before the end of the year,I basically.
He goes through every singledrawer cupboard.
Piece of clothing.
Everything in the house to tryand ensure that I've kind of
purged where I need to purgeI've tie-dyed I've organized so
that I'm going into the nextyear with like the best karma
possible.
Um, And honestly the more aslike look to analyze it and just
(00:45):
seeing my behavior over the lastcouple of months.
I've seen myself kind of startthis checklist way earlier than
normal.
So I have two more doors and I'mdone.
And it is what the 14th ofNovember.
Um, so anyway, I'm definitelyhad to myself and it just goes
to show if there are certainareas of your life that you
(01:06):
can't control, you willtypically then focus on the
areas that you can, which isclearly what I'm doing.
Um, This is maybe also why I'm.
And we're like shopping habitshave been crazy.
But anyway, positive thinking Iwill go into the years saving
and in a much better routine.
So, I know I mentioned that'skind of one of my resolutions,
(01:29):
So, yeah, I'm super, superexcited about that.
Okay.
Before I continue with thispodcast, I do want to mention
that this potentially may be atrigger warning to anyone that
has suffered.
loss of a child Ms.
Carriage.
Maybe you're trying to getpregnant, or you maybe have
(01:51):
others in your life that havepotentially gone through this.
I do want to mention that ifthis is something that's extra
sensitive to you.
Feel free to skip this episodeand also episode 10.
as I do have someone that we.
Go into a lot of detail.
We discussed kind of thefeelings involved.
We also kind of discuss indetail kind of what happened to
(02:13):
each of us.
So, yeah, I do.
I just want to mention Secondly.
I also just want to acknowledgethat when I started this
podcast, Gosh, nearly two yearsago in January, which is wild.
This has been like the bestthing I've done.
I've enjoyed so much of this.
which I know I say all the timeand I'm internally grateful to
(02:35):
anyone that listens to this podand that has done since the
beginning.
Thank you.
But when I first started it, Ireally wanted it to be an outlet
for like beauty tips, likebargains to kind of talking
about fashion.
And then as I continued havingdiscussions it then kind of
pivoted to.
(02:56):
That internal beauty and innerconfidence.
And yes, there's a sprinkling ofkind of beauty and fashion and
kind of other things, but it'salso about the individual's
journey.
So I feel it's kind of evolved,which I love, and I love
watching that.
But I'm also trying to kind oftouch on topics that are close
(03:18):
to me.
Or it kind of relevant that Iknow if I was listening to
podcasts, it would benefit.
So specifically for this one, asI mentioned.
We are talking aboutmiscarriage.
and also a Kotick pregnancy,which unfortunately happened to
me.
And I had a cottage pregnancytwo months.
(03:38):
As of tomorrow, which is crazy.
It's also wild how much yourbody can.
Repair itself, but clearly thisis something that I continue to
deal Daley, um, and try and kindof work through emotionally.
And now I am.
You know, different.
And I go on to speak about this,but different to kind of going
(03:59):
through a miscarriage, whichactually happens in June.
So my poor body has been througha lot for sure this year.
Um, but going through that whereit is more, yes, there's
physical elements and theemotional side of things, but.
Now, like when I see myself,when I'm getting dressed, like
I, I, I see the scars andthey're going to be with me
(04:21):
forever.
so still trying to kind of dealwith that.
And I'm more than happy ifanyone.
Has gone through this or they'regoing through it.
They know someone that's gonethrough it.
I'm happy to assist withwhatever questions,
conversations.
(04:41):
Discussions.
Anything.
I want to be able to kind ofhelp.
This is definitely a sensitivestuff, subject.
But I want to talk about it.
I don't want to be that personthat, you know, my friends don't
tell me that they're pregnant orthat they're trying for baby.
Cause you know, they think I'mgoing to be upset.
It's no, I'm truly happy forother people.
(05:03):
But I don't want this to besomething that I'm ashamed of
because this happens.
So the more.
I can speak about it, althoughuncomfortable.
It's definitely not a naturalkind of positive conversation,
but I feel like it's key.
And specifically for.
You know, this podcast.
(05:25):
I went out to kind of mynetwork.
Just to kind of see.
You know, Who else is out therewho kind of provides support.
Typically, I will say enjoy.
I really enjoyed theconversation, although
emotional.
But yeah, I hope, it touches youand I hope.
That you have a betterunderstanding.
If you do know someone that hasgone through something similar,
(05:47):
and if you have gone through it,I hope you know that you're not
alone and there's others outthere that care.
So, thanks.
francene (06:00):
Thank you so much.
I'm excited about thisconversation.
Um, how are you doing
Cait (06:04):
today?
I'm doing well.
Yeah, it's, it's a good start tothe morning.
My mom just picked up mydaughter, so two free hands.
It feels nice.
Yeah.
How
francene (06:15):
about you?
Um, yeah, it's been a goodstart.
Um, my husband took care of, um,my daughter Luna, so she is out.
I do have a, my puppy is sittingoutside the door.
I know.
Eager to be sitting in with me.
Cait (06:30):
Oh yes, same here.
I threw mine in the backyard.
I was like, She's gonna becrying and whimpering.
I can just tell.
So what kind of dog
francene (06:40):
do you have?
She is a 17 week, um,Labradoodle, and she is so stink
and cute.
I'm like obsessed with her.
Um, but she's not like curlyhair.
She's, she's kind like a littlebit scruffy and I love it.
Cait (07:00):
What's
francene (07:01):
your name?
Uh, her name is Mia Jessica.
Cait (07:04):
Oh my gosh.
That's.
francene (07:07):
Clearly my daughter named her, and that's why we
have to, we have to call her aMia Jessica
Cait (07:14):
That's the best when kids name
francene (07:16):
that.
We also have a goldfish called,um, Oh my God.
It's something like PurpleEarring
Cait (07:23):
Lollipop.
Wow.
Oh, you're gonna remember thatforever.
Oh, for sure.
I had a cat named pajamasgrowing up, so
francene (07:35):
So cute.
What kind dog do you
Cait (07:36):
have?
I have, I think it's mixed, aGerman Shepherd, some kind of
mix, like a Clie or something.
Has really fluffy ears, longhair.
Big tail.
So she's hyper, but so sweet.
Her name is Ava.
francene (07:52):
welcome to Real Beauty with fd, a place where we
discuss what beauty means to us,whether it's a product that
sells out every second aroundthe world, or a cult classic to
discussing body positivity, tobuilding incredible brands.
We're here to find your littleblack dress in skincare makeup,
and more importantly, promotinghappiness within your own skin
(08:13):
and owning it.
Each episode, I'm bringing in anew personality, discuss all
things, beauty and touch ontheir inspiring stories.
So Ka, welcome to the podcast.
Cait (08:26):
Yes, thanks for having me.
I'm so excited to be
francene (08:27):
here.
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited thatyou're here.
Um, so firstly, I ask every, um,person I interview, what does
beauty mean to you?
Cait (08:39):
So I've been thinking about that.
I think the phrase beauty fromashes comes to mind.
Um, it's something that's likereally not tangible, it's like
hard to explain, but basicallysomething beautiful coming out
of something painful.
Um, that's like what I would saybeauty means to.
francene (09:01):
I love that Um, okay.
So I will say just like a littletrigger warning for anyone
listening to this podcast, um, Iknow we're gonna be touching on
things that are probably moresensitive to individuals.
Um, so please just kind of bearthat mind as you're listening to
(09:21):
both of our stories.
For anyone that kind of followsme on Instagram and also with
the podcast, I have kind oftouched on this, um, In the
past.
So let me just kinda share why Iwanted to do this specific
episode.
And I will also caveat it is9:00 AM It is early for this
(09:43):
type of discussion.
you're diving straight in.
Um, so.
A couple of months ago, or gosh,it feels like longer.
Um, unfortunately I suffered amiscarriage.
Um, so it was very early on inmy pregnancy.
Um, and you know, I have a fourand a half year old, so, you
(10:05):
know, we, I had a easy pregnancyoutside of sickness.
Um, no issues.
And to be honest, um, I haven'tnecessarily spoken to any of my
friends that have gone throughmiscarriages.
So when this happened, I feltvery ignorant.
I felt very alone.
Um, I didn't truly understandwhat was happening, why it was
(10:29):
happening.
Um, it just happened, right?
And even just kind of dealingwith that early.
It was odd to think it's notsomething we discussed.
It's not something I can go tomy friends and be like, Hey, I
was pregnant for a hot minute.
Yay.
And now this happened.
So we, we don't speak about it,nor do we promote speaking about
(10:52):
it.
Um, And then unfortunately Ithen got pregnant again, so,
Yay.
All good.
Um, and then I had, uh,pregnancy, which again, I felt
very ignorant to who knew thishappened?
Um, again, it was very early andit was this exact same symptoms
(11:14):
as a miscarriage, so it wasabout seven, eight weeks.
Mm-hmm.
Um, but what it means is thebaby or the embryo.
Is growing in the wrong locationand for me it was on one of my
fallopian tubes on the rightside.
And like there was a lot ofpain, obviously not to be gory,
(11:36):
clearly a lot of blood and Iwasn't sure what was happening.
And I went back and forth to thehospital, I wanna say like five
visits.
They, they couldn't clarify whatit was, so we left it so long
that it ruptured.
Oh, and then because of that, Iended up then having emergency
surgery where they had to removemy right fallopian tube.
(11:57):
So this happened about a monthand a half ago.
So I still feel kind of rawabout it.
I still have the scars.
Obviously, they're gonna staywith me forever.
But again, it's a conversationthat I debated.
Thinking, do I speak about thisor do I leave it the same way?
I left the miscarriage and thenI thought, why would I not speak
(12:18):
about this?
Like, it's a significant thingthat happened.
It's sad, of course, and youknow, now it's trying to
maneuver the next journey of,okay, I only have one side now
what does that mean?
So I feel like I'm trying toeducate myself.
Anyway, I'm going very highlevel.
Um, but the reason I connectedwith you is I was looking
(12:40):
through Instagram and thinking,Well, there must be places that,
you know, there's more of thesediscussions.
What can I do?
And I found your account.
So it's, um, due Tojo RainbowCo.
And it's just incredible.
It's miscarriage care packages.
You have so much greatinformation on your site.
(13:02):
Um, so that's why I targeted youto be like, Hey, can you please
come on and have this discussionwith me?
Cause I cannot do this myself.
Cait (13:09):
oh my goodness.
Well, I'm happy you did.
I feel like we're like instantfriends and ugh, and I'm so
proud of you.
That's incredibly terrifying toshare your story out loud cuz
once it's out there like youcan't take those words back and
so I'm just, my heart feels foryou and all that you've gone
(13:30):
through.
Like you don't have to grievealone.
And that's like literally.
With every breath that I have iswhat I want to tell people.
Like, we don't have to do thisalone.
Like, and it's with how commonpregnancy loss is.
Yeah.
Four pregnancies end in a lossand like, that's massive.
(13:51):
Unfortunately, it, it makes myheart physically hurt to know
how common it is, and so I just,it hurts my heart to see people
who are just literally, Feelingso alone and so us sharing our
stories takes away the stigmaYeah.
(14:11):
That society has of Oh, it'shush hush.
Like no one would've known thatI was pregnant otherwise.
And so, um, it sort of givespower to your story and honors
your sweet babies that I knowyou carry that love for them.
So, um, I'm very thankful that.
(14:32):
Had me on and that you've sharedyour story.
I would love to talk more aboutthat with you.
francene (14:38):
Yeah.
And it's not, um, I know we kindof spoke about this a little bit
when we're mastering, but.
It's, um, again, there's notmany stories out there, and
certainly from like a friendperspective mm-hmm.
because again, typically, likeyou mentioned, like the
statistics are high when youthink about it, and typically it
(15:01):
is early on in pregnancy, sosometimes you don't even know
you're pregnant.
other times, again, it happensso quickly that you haven't got
to that typical 12 week markwhere everyone's like, Yay, I
can tell the world.
Right?
So, and you think, Okay, um, Ican't imagine how individual,
(15:23):
like I can't relate to someonethat's further along where
you've already spoken about it,you're already feeling the baby
that I, I can't, I can't evenimagine it, right?
Like it sounds, Like crazy tosay, but I feel like I got off
lightly because again, I, youknow, I, I didn't have those
(15:43):
kind of movements.
Um, it wasn't long enough for meto kinda adjust to, Oh, there,
there's a baby in there.
Right?
Um, but I can't imagineannouncing it and then being
like, Oh.
Shoot, it's, Yeah.
And then you, you have toaddress it, right?
Yeah.
You're put in a situation whereyou've, you need to explain.
(16:06):
Right.
Um, but yeah, I found saying itout loud mm-hmm.
I, so many people reach out tome and say, Hey, I've either
gone through something similaror, you know, I've suffer in
miscarriage.
I felt like I couldn't speakabout it.
Like, thank you for sayingsomething.
Um, So it's like, I, it, it mademe feel better about saying it
(16:29):
out loud, you
Cait (16:30):
know?
Yes.
Yeah.
I remember the first time Ilike, sort of publicly shared
that I had had a miscarriage.
It felt terrifying, like once Isaid it out loud.
Then I couldn't hide behind thelike facade of me being fine
anymore.
Yeah.
And so then it felt like, oh no,it's out there and I can't
(16:55):
control what people say to me.
Whether it's like well-meaningstuff.
And people would say some thingslike, Oh, I have some funny
stories, But I just like, Iremember praying, honestly like.
That I could just sort of guardmy heart and protect my heart
(17:15):
because I've just sharedsomething so intimate.
Yeah.
And like I want to, like honormy baby's life and their memory.
Yeah, of course.
Um, but sort of also hold itclose to the chest.
So there's a balance and I stilldon't really feel like I've
learned it even years later.
Um, but that's just part oflife.
(17:37):
We, we share and.
Hopefully can break that stigmaof people not feeling like they
can share.
Um, but even, like you weresaying, sort of processing
through that grief and seeinglike someone further along, or
maybe a stillborn baby or a babythat passes away from sids,
(18:00):
like, it's hard, It's so hardnot to compare.
Yeah.
Like, well, oh my gosh, I, myheart would.
I don't even know how I wouldget through that.
Yeah.
And like your, your baby was ababy too.
And so not to downplay yourloss, but saying like they're
(18:20):
both unbelievably hard.
Yeah.
And hard is hard like your Yeah.
It is unique to you and yourbaby is just as special and
loved.
So Yeah.
That's what.
That's what I would think.
I, I still fall into thecomparison trap of man, I, my,
(18:42):
my experience was hard, but Icannot imagine.
So it definitely gives youempathy.
francene (18:47):
Yeah.
And it's also, um, it's alsoways.
Like people deal with thingsdifferently, right?
Like to me, I'm very optimisticnaturally.
So I find it easier to look at asituation and be like, okay,
well it could be significantlyworse.
(19:09):
And like, we're fortunate and,and just to try and bring myself
back down.
Um, cuz it's, you know, it'seasy.
And I'm sure you probably wentthrough this too, you do.
Days or even now, it's like,it's, it's odd some situations
where, you know, in the past,and I'm sure you, we all kind of
(19:36):
get this, especially when youknow, you're either engaged or
you're getting married.
People are like, When are yougonna have a baby?
When are you gonna have a baby?
Then you have a baby and you'relike, God, go us.
Right?
You immediately have one andpeople are like, When are you
having another one?
And I took forever to make thedecision that Okay.
Go try again.
(19:57):
Um, but it's even when you thinkit's like I refuse to ask people
that question cuz especiallywhen I was younger, Oh my God.
Every month I was so paranoid.
I'm gonna get pregnant, it'sgonna be so easy to get
pregnant.
I was using like the pill, calmup everything to be like not get
pregnant.
Mm-hmm.
Then with my first child,honestly it happened.
(20:22):
Immediately.
Wow.
We were like, Let's try, andimmediately we got pregnant.
I was like, Oh Jesus.
Maybe I was right when I wasyounger.
You should be careful.
Probably the best thing you are.
But then again, as you get olderor depending on your
circumstances, and you start.
And I know now like myInstagram's probably created to,
(20:44):
now I'm catching a lot morepeople that have maybe gone
through something similar orthey're trying, or you know, IVF
or whatever it is, but youactually realize it is so hard
to get pregnant and the windowthat you have and the
percentages and.
Older you get, it's like, holyshit,
Cait (21:03):
it's hard.
It's not the same.
Yeah, it's wild.
I feel that right now cuz I'msort of my daughter's three and
a half.
You said yours is four and ahalf.
She's four and a half, yeah.
I'm like, I don't know when I'dlike to try again.
I'm like tethered between like Iwant more kids.
Like that is such a desire.
(21:24):
I don't know if I'm ready forlike, the fears that come Yes.
Hearing the baby or you know,all the, the nightmares of a
newborn and all that fun stuff.
So,
francene (21:34):
yeah.
And, and I think, um, Cuz did,if you don't mind me asking, did
you have a miscarriage beforeyour, Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cait (21:44):
So I had a miscarriage in October of 2016.
Okay.
And my husband and I had beenmarried for like a year.
Yeah.
And so, um, then two-ish yearslater I got pregnant with my
daughter Stella.
francene (21:58):
Okay.
Oh, I love that name.
I know your
Cait (22:01):
daughter's Luna, right?
Yes.
That's Tell Luna I love it.
francene (22:06):
Um, so.
I can't imagine going throughthat and then being pregnant and
fear or the concern of.
Because again, I, I never, like,my first pregnancy was very
uneventful, right?
So going into obviously thefirst one I was like, We've got
(22:31):
this, like, not hard.
So I'm kind of going through thethoughts of, oh my God, if we
get pregnant again, like, what'sgonna happen?
Are we gonna have to go throughthis again?
And, Oh God, like the risk of a,it caught pregnancy and then,
and then what?
Right.
Um, So I, I can't imagine howyou would've felt during your
(22:53):
pregnancy with Stella.
That probably carried that fearthroughout.
Right.
Cait (23:00):
And I, I write a lot about that on my blog cuz that was
such like, Pasted on my foreheadof like, Yeah, I cannot let this
fear like consume me because it,I've always been a fearful
person, like even as a kid.
And so that's always just been astruggle of like trusting that
everything's gonna be okay and.
(23:22):
If it doesn't go the way that Ihope that we will make it out
and I won't be alone.
Like, so stuff like that, um,sort of carried me through that.
And I would, I would do thingsthroughout the pregnancy.
Um, it, it was hard, honestly toconnect with Stella when
choosing my belly.
Yeah, I bet.
(23:42):
Like terrifying because.
I had this thing in the back ofmy head of like, if I get so
attached to this baby, I loseit.
It's not going to hurt less ormore.
It's going to hurt an insaneamount, like if I lose this baby
too.
Um, and so it was such astruggle to like, Actively make
(24:07):
decisions in my mind and heartto be like, I'm going to do
something today to, to connectwith this baby.
Like buy her an outfit orsomething in faith that like,
even if this does not go how Iwent, I still have this thing to
remember her by.
(24:27):
And so, That was painful to, tomake little decisions like that.
But I'm thankful that I did.
Um, because even if I were tolose her, it's, it's not like it
would hurt less if I hadconnected, like it would hurt.
There's not really a way togauge that.
(24:47):
So sort of like aself-preservation thing of like,
I'm gonna guard my heart and notopen it up to getting hurt, but
like that's what love is, that'swhat grief is like.
I have this immense amount oflove for the baby that I lost,
and that won't change with timeor how much I connected, so,
francene (25:09):
excuse me.
Yeah, it's true.
And I, I think that's importantto touch on is you know, what
you did to kind of enjoy orappreciate the moment as you
were pregnant and not allow thatto kind.
You know, disconnect you fromthe joy that you should and, you
(25:34):
know, should have felt likethroughout that, which
unfortunately going through amiscarriage or something like
that, it kind of takes thataway.
Yeah.
Um, so.
Yeah, it's, um, again, speakingout loud about this, it's, I'm
sure anyone listening where, youknow, you might have a friend
(25:55):
that you're like, God, why arethey not enjoying being
pregnant?
Why are they not talking aboutit or planning this stuff?
And it's like, you, you neverknow.
Well, the driver is behind that.
Um, and it's, you know, evenlistening to this, I, I.
Difficult, especially if you'vegone through it.
But if you haven't, it's thereason we're having these
(26:15):
discussions is to really kindaensure that you are being the
best friend.
Mm-hmm.
that maybe don't wanna talkabout this, but you are seeing
maybe.
Something that seems likethere's a little bit of
apprehension that you are ableto go in and really kind of
comfort that individual or helpthem, or again, if you've been
(26:40):
through this, maybe it wouldhelp to kind of discuss it and
you're.
Ensuring that someone isn'tfeeling alone with this.
Um, so was there any other kindof practices that you did to
ensure that you tried to feel,you know, kind of safe
(27:00):
throughout your pregnancy bestStella, that you would kind of
recommend for others kind offeeling, feeling that kinda
anxious way of, Oh my God, I, I,I want this baby so bad, but I
don't wanna.
Feel it because I'm scared incase something happens.
Cait (27:17):
Yeah.
And I think that is incrediblycommon that, um, people who are
pregnant after a loss, it's sortof like this, like self
self-preservation of like, Idon't wanna get too attached.
What if I lose it?
Um, and so I think just thinkingthrough like, I guess.
(27:39):
This comes to mind because Iremember my sisters were
planning a baby shower for me,and I just remember like the
hesitation I had of like, like,Hold off, don't.
Plan it yet.
Like I didn't want them to beinconvenienced by spending money
and planning this wholeelaborate shower if I wasn't
(28:03):
even gonna get that far.
And so I did not do thisperfectly as far as like holding
onto hope.
Like that was, it was such astruggle.
And like through that struggle.
I, I would lean on close friendsand family and friends from
church that I knew I could goto.
(28:23):
Um, and so sort of that like, Idon't know what's gonna happen
in the future, but like, God, Itrust you.
I don't know what tomorrow lookslike, but help me get through
today.
Yeah.
And so honestly, it just turnedinto, For the next 24 hours.
Yeah, I'm gonna try to remaincalm and I might fail at it
(28:46):
like, And that's okay.
There's always tomorrow.
Um, but I would say something tomyself each day of, like, today
I am pregnant.
Mm-hmm.
because I could not go theretomorrow.
Like I could, we can't step intotomorrow and know what it will
look like for us.
And so I would say I'm okay.
(29:06):
I'm safe today.
I'm pregnant.
And um, I'm loved, like I wouldjust say things that I knew I
easily forget, like I'm notalone.
Yeah.
That.
Something I'm tethered to islike the first lie that I
believe is like, you're alone.
No one else feels this way.
Yeah.
You're, you're just, you know,like you're overreacting or
(29:30):
things like that.
And talking with friends who hadgone before me and had
pregnancies after loss or had,um, also experienced a loss like
that was such a community.
I'm so thankful for in that timeand even still now, like there's
(29:52):
a whole online community.
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The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.