July 10, 2023 • 26 mins
Chaos. We all experience it in life and we complain about it, but what if it wasn't such a bad thing?
This week on the podcast, I'm talking about the role chaos plays in our lives --- for better or worse, but really highlighting the positives that it brings to our lives.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Well, hello, my friends.
And welcome back to Real Braveand Unstoppable.
I'm your host, Kortney Rivardand today I'm going to talk
about a fun topic that we've allexperienced.
Chaos.
Chaos can be something that isunwelcome because along with it
comes confusion,unpredictability, uncertainty.
(00:23):
And in case you haven't noticedour brains do not like
unpredictability and uncertaintyand confusion.
That is what our topic is today.
So getting back to our brains,our brains, tell us all kinds of
stories about confusionunpredictability uncertainty.
And that creates a little fear.
(00:45):
And when we're afraid, rememberour feelings can dictate how we
show up if we're not intentionalabout it.
So today I want to offer youanother perspective on when
things get chaotic.
And this can be hard becausemost of us have kind of a
habitual response to chaos orconfusion or uncertainty.
(01:07):
Just a story I got, I just gotback- I guess I've been back for
a week, but it feels.
It feels like it's been a hardweek.
But we were on vacation inAcadia national park last week
with my family.
That was fabulous.
It was a different vacation inthat it was super laid back and
we ended up doing a lot ofdriving.
And I celebrated my...
(01:28):
drum roll...
50th birthday There.
My partner, Ben and my daughterSienna, they both decorated the
cabin.
We stayed in with all kinds offun decorations.
And in our in our search, Ireally like birthday cake, like
cake.
My mom, I got this from my mom,mom, you're laughing right now.
(01:49):
I know.
But I love like just cake withbuttercream frosting.
It's the best thing ever on abirthday with some ice cream.
And normally if I was at home, Iwould have like, you know, the
certain kind of cake that Ilike.
It's just it's I'm basic whitecake, vanilla frosting, vanilla
ice cream.
That's me.
I love it.
Right.
Perfect.
Unadulterated.
(02:10):
Just perfect.
So when we were on our way in,it was late, we'd been in the
car for like, you know, 12hours, 10 hours, whatever it
was, 11 hours.
At a grocery store where like itwas busy, I didn't know where
anything was.
They had different things.
And so, you know, there's alittle chaos and confusion to my
brain right there.
So, of course that caused me tobe a little cranky, had complete
(02:31):
decision fatigue, because forsome reason, nobody else in my
family likes to make decisions.
They tend to be mine to makealone.
Apparently most of the time.
And I was overloaded, but Iwanted birthday cake, but I
couldn't justify there was thiscake that was way too much cake
for.
The four of us.
For like$25.
(02:53):
And I know that's not that muchmoney, but in my head, in that
confusing moment, I was like,I'm not spending$25 on a grocery
store cake that was like twiceas big as what we really need.
So I was going to get one of thetiny little cakes.
It was only$10, but they onlyhad chocolate.
And that's just not the only hadchocolate cake with like the
(03:14):
cream whipped cream frosting.
I'm like, no, that's not, that'snot.
Nope, Nope.
Nope.
I need my.
I need my kind of cake.
So, the story is getting long.
I apologize.
So the day of my birthday it wasraining a little bit.
So we ended up going to barHarbor, and just walking around
the, some of the shops andstuff, and we found this bakery
(03:36):
kind of place that had cupcakesand, and my partner, Ben was
like, why don't we just getcupcakes?
How does that sound?
So then the bakery only tookcash.
Conveniently enough.
They had an ATM in the store, sohe's like, oh, I'll just get out
cash.
So we got these cupcakes and weended up getting like a dozen
cupcakes.
Which was so hilarious becauseif I would've just gotten the
(03:57):
cake at the grocery store tobegin with, it would have been
like way cheaper.
And probably less cake in thelong run.
But anyway, got home.
Had the cupcakes.
And it was like the mostdisappointing thing ever because
my cupcake, my vanilla cupcakewith vanilla frosting and
sprinkles tasted like somebodydumped a ton of like butter
(04:20):
flavoring in it.
And I used to be in the craftbeer industry and there's
something called diacetyl inbeer that's like a flaw
typically like too muchdiacetyl.
And it tasted like diacetyl.
And I was just like, Ooh.
So I didn't even eat my cupcake.
So there's my story of chaos andconfusion.
If I would have just embracedthe chaos and confusion in the
(04:41):
grocery store in the beginning,I would've had like a good
grocery store cake.
And funny enough, when we endedup going back to the grocery
store later that week, and wewent to a different location and
they had vanilla cake withvanilla buttercream frosting.
It was a pride cake, which wasfun, so I celebrated my birthday
and I celebrated pride month.
(05:02):
And, yeah.
There's that story.
So anyway, getting back toanother example about chaos and
confusion.
While our trip was reallyamazing.
You know, there are alwayselements of chaos that shows up
on vacation.
Right?
And for me to be honest, anytimeand get out of my normal
routine, this happens to me.
(05:22):
I'm a creature of habit in a lotof ways.
And in some ways I do reallythrive on flying by the seat of
my pants, but definitely withina structure of some sort of like
routine.
Why?
Because I know what's coming.
I know how to navigate theroutine.
I have the things I'm afraid ofalready taken care of.
(05:42):
And more accurately, my brainlikes it.
But even though, like, eventhough I love going on vacation,
like I mentioned, it really doesthrow me off a lot.
And I do worry more about, likefor me, I have a long history of
just an obsession with bodyimage and weight, um, worrying
about that stuff.
And so when I'm on vacation, Itend to worry more about that
(06:05):
because my workout routine getsthrown off my, you know, my
eating habits get screwed up.
I tend to not eat as healthy.
I tend to drink more alcohol,cause why not?
It's vacation, right.
And also having to come up witha plan for every day of vacation
feels really heavy to me.
And like I mentioned earlier, myfamily really looks at me like
deer in headlights when I askedfor input.
(06:27):
I don't know.
That's the common response.
I don't care.
What do you want to do?
It all just feels super chaoticto me.
So this is an example of howsomething I love-- Vacation
creates a little chaos in mybrain.
And as I'm talking about it, Idon't want you to think I'm
complaining about vacationbecause that's not what I'm
(06:49):
doing, but I'm really justtrying to illustrate how my
brain has a hard time sometimeswith upsetting the structure,
the routine, the predictability,the certainty that it's used to.
So there's some fear that comesup for me.
And again, like for me, it'stypically with vacation and
getting off of my workoutschedule off my eat, my, my
(07:09):
eating habits schedule.
It's typically as much as I hateto admit it centered around the
fear of gaining weight.
And our brains tend to focus onthat.
So.
Feeling a little chaos withvacation, now I will say, is
it's really, probably a goodthing, right?
I mean, who doesn't love avacation?
So it's not exactly that hard todeal with because it's something
(07:32):
that we enjoy.
Like we can easily kind of putthose things aside.
But chaos can also show up insome really big ways, too.
I've told the story of mydivorce many, many times
throughout, if you followed me,you know what I'm talking about?
If you don't go to my websiteand read my bio.
So that part of my life washuge, huge, huge chaos.
(07:54):
Very unpredictable, veryuncertain, confusing, disorder.
All of it.
And I think most of us have hada time in our lives where things
feel chaotic, right?
Like the rug has been pulled outfrom underneath us and we feel
like there isn't any solidground to stand on.
And this can manifest in a lotof different ways, including
feeling lost or stressed oroverwhelmed, maybe even in
(08:18):
capable of handling things.
Afraid and so on and so on andso on.
But today.
Let's look at chaos.
I love that word by the way.
For some reason, I don't knowwhy.
But let's look at it fromanother angle.
What if it wasn't a bad thing,like what if we actually just
decided I'm going to justembrace chaos?
I'm going to just lean into it.
(08:40):
Nice.
Right.
So first let's start with whatit is.
What is chaos?
The definition of chaos isconfusion or disorder, and it's
often set off by an event that'sunpredictable.
So there's, there's even a wholemathematical theory about chaos
and chaos shows up everywhere,even in science and math.
(09:01):
No matter how we try, we can't ahundred percent predict
everything because there arejust some things that don't
follow the rules.
And.
Why is this even a problem?
I mentioned earlier because ourbrains don't like
unpredictability.
We like certainty.
So think back to like, you know,the stone age, caveman age, cave
(09:24):
person age.
When staying alive, depended onbeing alert and looking out for
threats and protecting againstthem being proactive about them.
You know, brains back then, wereconstantly looking for signs of
danger.
So evolution wise, that's reallyingrained into how we as humans
operate.
Our brains are always on thelookout for threats, trying to
(09:45):
stay ahead of the game in termsof danger.
So when there's something that'sunknown or uncertain, our brains
really try to find a way tomanage that.
So what happens?
Like we go to what we do knowour brains, try to extrapolate
and create certainty based onpast data, past experiences or
(10:06):
core beliefs.
The problem is that data isn'talways really very reliable.
So, you know, cause thingschange.
And in chaotic times, that meansour brain is going to tell us
that this uncertain situation isscary and bad.
Because we're looking for that.
And when we're feeling thefeelings that come with a
(10:26):
situation that feels scary andbad, it affects how we show up.
But remember our thoughts aboutsomething create a feeling.
And our feelings drive ouractions and then our actions
create the results we get.
I think it's worth noting someof the ways that this fear of
uncertainty or unpredictabilityor like being out of a routine,
(10:49):
you know, when things get shakenup manifests in terms of results
or outcomes.
So when I went through mydivorce, I was a hot mess
friends, hot mess.
I'm sure for the people closestto me, it was probably really,
really hard to watch.
This was like the ultimateexample of chaos in my life
(11:11):
without a doubt, a hundredpercent.
Talk about unpredictable.
Like this was something I neversaw coming.
And if you're new to my world,the short version is that in
2014, so really, almost likenine years ago, it's hard to
believe it's been that long.
I discovered my ex was having anaffair with another man after
we'd been married for 17 yearsand known each other for like
(11:32):
19.
So yeah, I mean, chaosdefinitely resulted from this.
Super unpredictable, never sawcoming.
And, you know, first of all, Iwant to say that, of course this
type of chaos was hard.
Like that's an understatement.
You know, of course it was goingto be hard to handle it
gracefully.
Of course my brain sent up allof the red alerts and caused me
(11:55):
to act in ways that were to putit like again, another
understatement, weren't ideal.
But that's all normal, but theperspective I want to offer
today is that what of chaotictimes like this weren't all so
bad.
Like what if we didn't make themso bad?
Well, I can say this now,because I know that this time in
(12:17):
my life wasn't all bad.
Like I can see now, but it washard to see this perspective
while I was in the messy middle.
I also didn't have a lot ofskills to navigate that time.
So if I were to go through itagain, I would have different
thoughts and different ways ofshowing up.
Not to say I wouldn't struggle,but I would have better tools.
(12:38):
So just a side note, theinspiration for this episode,
was a card I pulled from mymystical shaman, Oracle deck.
And if you like Oracle cards,it's a beautiful deck.
I really love it.
But, this episode was inspiredby a card I pulled, it was
called the wind.
And it obviously resonated a lotfor me because I'm doing a whole
episode on this and I won't readthe whole entry, but I will read
(13:02):
one portion of it.
Because this is what really,really got me thinking.
So here it is (13:06):
when wind comes as medicine, you're being
invited to recognize the valueof chaos.
Windstorms provide necessarychaos to clear the air and
spread seeds.
So plants and trees can takeroot in new fields.
Right now it may seem as if yourworld has been turned upside
down, but this is a temporarystorm that will blow over.
(13:28):
Perhaps communication has brokendown between you and another, or
your many to do lists areoverwhelming.
You.
The medicine is to simplify slowdown course.
Correct.
If you need to and wait out thestorm to clean things up.
Just know that all storms havegreat value.
If you can remain neutral duringtheir course.
Greater clarity and good thingswill come from it all.
(13:50):
Remember this too shall pass.
I just loved that so much.
You know, in nature, chaos andunpredictability really clears
the way for the new.
You know, think about wildfires.
Like they start unpredictably.
We don't know when that's goingto happen.
It creates a lot of chaos.
And, yet they're needed forforests to regenerate.
(14:14):
And likewise it stirs things upfor us and it gives us new
perspective too.
New challenges to overcome.
Chaos really, you know,unpredictability pushes us to
grow.
So what if instead of fearingit.
Like we kind of welcomed it whenit came knocking on our door.
Or rather, sometimes it bust thedoor down.
What if we acknowledged it forwhat it is, just a new challenge
(14:37):
that maybe where we weren'tready for.
And then just ask what we canlearn from it.
What if we were to slow down.
Kind of hunker down and groundin and just let that storm pass
and, you know, clean up then.
I often work with clients withtheir unhelpful thoughts.
Remember, last week I talkedabout this on the show.
(14:58):
Last episode, episode number.
One 14.
One 13.
I forget now.
Last week, last episode.
I talked about.
Making your thoughts work foryou?
And I often work with clients onthoughts that can be unhelpful.
And remember, like I saidbefore, our thoughts create our
feelings and feelings drive ouractions, actions create our
(15:21):
results.
So if we want different results,we need to really look at those
thoughts.
When our brain offers thoughtsabout chaos being bad, what
happens?
Well, we feel afraid.
We feel stressed, overwhelmed.
And none of these feelings arebad, of course, but when we
aren't paying attention, theycause us to show up in ways that
(15:43):
aren't really aligned with theperson we want to be.
And those behaviors don't alwaysget us closer to what we want.
Often our work here centersaround creating a more neutral
thought that can create afeeling that helps us take
action towards something thatdoes move us along the path that
aligns with who we are.
So let's take a really broadexample here.
(16:03):
When I learned that my marriagewas over, my thoughts were
really centered around how mylife was over and I didn't know
how I was going to make itthrough this totally awful
thing.
So what if I knew what I knownow?
It still would have been hard,but if I had just been able to
kind of breathe.
You know, welcome feelings offear, anger, sadness, and pain.
Not necessarily like likingthem, but just noticing them and
(16:28):
knowing that they're not goingto be there forever.
You know, just making space forthem to exist and really
grounding in finding meaningwhere I could.
And just waiting out that stormmore neutrally.
There's a lot of nuance to thisexample.
So please know it's a generalone.
And being neutral about adivorce is really, really pretty
(16:48):
tough.
If, you know, if not, I probablynot impossible, but very
difficult.
And I get that.
The point of the word neutral isreally more though to learn to
accept the difficult emotions,you know, accept the chaos and
let it be there while you takeaction towards what's important
to you, or like while you stepthrough that kind of chaos that
(17:12):
you're in towards, you know,something that feels better.
And that requires slowing down.
And it all also requires feelingthe feelings that, that chaos
brings...
that the uncertainty and theunpredictability bring.
And oh, that is so hard.
It takes a lot of practice.
(17:34):
It requires slowing down and italso requires feeling the
feelings that come with chaosand confusion and disorder.
That's really hard.
It takes a lot of practice.
So if we can just kind of slowdown.
And think about like, what is mynext right step here?
We can find greater clarityabout navigating that path.
(17:57):
And then we're not as freakedout.
We feel more empowered to takethose next right steps on our
path.
On our aligned path.
So.
There are a lot of benefits tolike chaos and confusion and
unpredictability and things thathappen.
You know, when you're notexpecting them.
Chaos forces us out of ourcomfort zones.
(18:19):
So we need to adapt and grow toadjust to new things.
You know, this process of havingto adjust creates new data in
our brain that tells us we'reable to be flexible and to
adapt.
And this builds resilience.
And that's so important.
Adversity also creates newproblems to solve.
(18:40):
You know, it pushes us to digdeep and discover untapped
resources that we have andremind us of what we're capable
of.
Or even, you know, let us knowwe're more capable than we
thought we were or are.
And here's where we build moreconfidence in our ability.
We develop a stronger sense ofself.
And inner strength.
(19:02):
It's easy to forget thatsometimes, you know, when we're
just cranking along andeverything's fine.
Sometimes we just forget whatwe're really made of.
And remember how I mentionedthat our brains extrapolate
using old data to try to createcertainty in uncertain
situations.
Well, you're creating some newdata.
We also become more resourceful.
(19:22):
You know, we learn how to dothat because we have two.
I talked about why our brainshate uncertainty.
You know, it's one of thebiggest fears humans have in
chaos really does give anopportunity.
To practice embracinguncertainty.
And let's face it.
There's nothing certain.
So as we practice embracinguncertainty, we develop a
(19:44):
greater tolerance for ambiguityin life.
And we develop a more flexiblemindset that allows us, you
know, it allows us to always beadapting and not make that a bad
thing.
There's a quote and I don't knowwho said it and exactly how it
goes, but basically the, the,just as, but the only certain
thing is that everything'suncertain.
(20:05):
That's the only certain thing wedon't know anything for sure.
We also really, you know, Italked about digging deep to
become more resourceful.
We also discover, you know, somehidden strengths that we might
have through adversity andchaos.
We're really pushed to tap intoour inner reserves of courage
and determination creativity.
(20:27):
Adaptability.
And we discover parts ofourselves we might not have
realized that we had before.
I said to a friend recently thatwithout challenges, life would
be pretty boring.
And she totally laughed andsaid, well, actually I think it
would be pretty good.
And yeah.
I mean, if you really thinkabout it, just being able to sit
back and enjoy life withoutchaos would be nice.
(20:47):
But on the other hand, wewouldn't then have the contrast.
That allows us to appreciatethat and appreciation, gratitude
and finding meaning in life isalso what creates that feeling
of purpose in life, you know,which is, let's face it, that's
most of us at one time oranother ask about like, what's
my purpose.
So it's chaos hard.
(21:08):
Yeah.
Totally.
But is it necessary for growth?
I really think it is.
And you know, it's reallyunavoidable.
So we really have two choices.
We can fight it or we can rollwith it and come out on the
other side, you know, thinkabout it like a hurricane, you
batten down the hatches, boardup the windows, hang on until
the storm is over and then youclean it up.
(21:28):
Step-by-step.
And to be clear, this doesn'tmean that you just lie down and
sleep on the couch until it'sover.
It means that you slow down, youget intentional.
Work on welcoming the unwelcome,get comfortable being
uncomfortable and always justask yourself what your next
right step is towards the lifeyou want and the person you want
to be.
(21:50):
And this my friends can apply tomanaging your to-do list.
Feeling like you have no time.
You know, having a billionthings going on in life at one
time, feeling stressed.
It can apply to you know, theother extreme, like, you know,
having, finding out your exwants a divorce, you know, it
can apply to any type of chaos,but the point is, it's okay if
(22:14):
things feel chaotic, you don'thave to hook into the chaos.
You can ground yourself in andsort of wait out the storm and
take your little next rightsteps along the path while, it
swirls around you.
So I invite you to look at yourlife and see where chaos shows
up there.
How do you handle it?
What are your thoughts about itand how might you slow down and
(22:35):
hang on while you ride out thestorm.
You know, and take the littlesteps you can, but not like,
just react to all the chaos allthe time.
And what are some of the thoughtshifts or mindset shifts you can
make here?
And if you need help doing this,because honestly, this is really
easy to talk about in a podcast,but it is really hard work to do
(22:58):
that takes a lot of practice.
And to uncover some of yourblind spots I talked about your
brain creating certainty basedon past data...
Your brain doesn't want to letgo of that past data so
sometimes it really takessomeone helping you uncover
those blind spots so you cancreate new data.
You can say oh I'm working withfaulty data here let me see how
(23:22):
I can dismantle this unhelpfulbelief system and build up a new
one.
So this is my favorite stuff towork with people on so just you
know send me a message and wecan talk about it.
You know you.
you.
can schedule a call you don'thave to commit to working with
me or anything like that but youknow it could be really fun to
hop on a call and you know getmy thoughts on what your blind
(23:44):
spots are I love helping peoplewith this stuff so just go over
to my website at kortney rivarddot com slash lets dash talk and
you can schedule a free strategysession.
And one more thing.
Favor to ask...
if you liked this episode or ifyou're enjoying my show i would
really appreciate it if youcould leave a review and a five
star rating.
(24:05):
It really helps other peoplefind the show and that is the
whole point of this.
I do this for you guys because ilove sharing the things that
I've learned and I just feel sohonored to be able to help other
people Along their journey tolive a real brave and
unstoppable life.
So please go do that if youdon't mind it only takes a
couple of minutes and again itreally helps other people find
(24:28):
this show.
Okay friends i hope this was ahelpful topic for you i will be
back soon with another episodethat will help you live your
real brave and unstoppable life.
Well, hello, my friends.
And welcome back to Real Braveand Unstoppable.
I'm your host, Kortney Rivardand today I'm going to talk
about a fun topic that we've allexperienced.
Chaos.
Chaos can be something that isunwelcome because along with it
comes confusion,unpredictability, uncertainty.
(00:23):
And in case you haven't noticedour brains do not like
unpredictability and uncertaintyand confusion.
That is what our topic is today.
So getting back to our brains,our brains, tell us all kinds of
stories about confusionunpredictability uncertainty.
And that creates a little fear.
(00:45):
And when we're afraid, rememberour feelings can dictate how we
show up if we're not intentionalabout it.
So today I want to offer youanother perspective on when
things get chaotic.
And this can be hard becausemost of us have kind of a
habitual response to chaos orconfusion or uncertainty.
(01:07):
Just a story I got, I just gotback- I guess I've been back for
a week, but it feels.
It feels like it's been a hardweek.
But we were on vacation inAcadia national park last week
with my family.
That was fabulous.
It was a different vacation inthat it was super laid back and
we ended up doing a lot ofdriving.
And I celebrated my...
(01:28):
drum roll...
50th birthday There.
My partner, Ben and my daughterSienna, they both decorated the
cabin.
We stayed in with all kinds offun decorations.
And in our in our search, Ireally like birthday cake, like
cake.
My mom, I got this from my mom,mom, you're laughing right now.
(01:49):
I know.
But I love like just cake withbuttercream frosting.
It's the best thing ever on abirthday with some ice cream.
And normally if I was at home, Iwould have like, you know, the
certain kind of cake that Ilike.
It's just it's I'm basic whitecake, vanilla frosting, vanilla
ice cream.
That's me.
I love it.
Right.
Perfect.
Unadulterated.
(02:10):
Just perfect.
So when we were on our way in,it was late, we'd been in the
car for like, you know, 12hours, 10 hours, whatever it
was, 11 hours.
At a grocery store where like itwas busy, I didn't know where
anything was.
They had different things.
And so, you know, there's alittle chaos and confusion to my
brain right there.
So, of course that caused me tobe a little cranky, had complete
(02:31):
decision fatigue, because forsome reason, nobody else in my
family likes to make decisions.
They tend to be mine to makealone.
Apparently most of the time.
And I was overloaded, but Iwanted birthday cake, but I
couldn't justify there was thiscake that was way too much cake
for.
The four of us.
For like$25.
(02:53):
And I know that's not that muchmoney, but in my head, in that
confusing moment, I was like,I'm not spending$25 on a grocery
store cake that was like twiceas big as what we really need.
So I was going to get one of thetiny little cakes.
It was only$10, but they onlyhad chocolate.
And that's just not the only hadchocolate cake with like the
(03:14):
cream whipped cream frosting.
I'm like, no, that's not, that'snot.
Nope, Nope.
Nope.
I need my.
I need my kind of cake.
So, the story is getting long.
I apologize.
So the day of my birthday it wasraining a little bit.
So we ended up going to barHarbor, and just walking around
the, some of the shops andstuff, and we found this bakery
(03:36):
kind of place that had cupcakesand, and my partner, Ben was
like, why don't we just getcupcakes?
How does that sound?
So then the bakery only tookcash.
Conveniently enough.
They had an ATM in the store, sohe's like, oh, I'll just get out
cash.
So we got these cupcakes and weended up getting like a dozen
cupcakes.
Which was so hilarious becauseif I would've just gotten the
(03:57):
cake at the grocery store tobegin with, it would have been
like way cheaper.
And probably less cake in thelong run.
But anyway, got home.
Had the cupcakes.
And it was like the mostdisappointing thing ever because
my cupcake, my vanilla cupcakewith vanilla frosting and
sprinkles tasted like somebodydumped a ton of like butter
(04:20):
flavoring in it.
And I used to be in the craftbeer industry and there's
something called diacetyl inbeer that's like a flaw
typically like too muchdiacetyl.
And it tasted like diacetyl.
And I was just like, Ooh.
So I didn't even eat my cupcake.
So there's my story of chaos andconfusion.
If I would have just embracedthe chaos and confusion in the
(04:41):
grocery store in the beginning,I would've had like a good
grocery store cake.
And funny enough, when we endedup going back to the grocery
store later that week, and wewent to a different location and
they had vanilla cake withvanilla buttercream frosting.
It was a pride cake, which wasfun, so I celebrated my birthday
and I celebrated pride month.
(05:02):
And, yeah.
There's that story.
So anyway, getting back toanother example about chaos and
confusion.
While our trip was reallyamazing.
You know, there are alwayselements of chaos that shows up
on vacation.
Right?
And for me to be honest, anytimeand get out of my normal
routine, this happens to me.
(05:22):
I'm a creature of habit in a lotof ways.
And in some ways I do reallythrive on flying by the seat of
my pants, but definitely withina structure of some sort of like
routine.
Why?
Because I know what's coming.
I know how to navigate theroutine.
I have the things I'm afraid ofalready taken care of.
(05:42):
And more accurately, my brainlikes it.
But even though, like, eventhough I love going on vacation,
like I mentioned, it really doesthrow me off a lot.
And I do worry more about, likefor me, I have a long history of
just an obsession with bodyimage and weight, um, worrying
about that stuff.
And so when I'm on vacation, Itend to worry more about that
(06:05):
because my workout routine getsthrown off my, you know, my
eating habits get screwed up.
I tend to not eat as healthy.
I tend to drink more alcohol,cause why not?
It's vacation, right.
And also having to come up witha plan for every day of vacation
feels really heavy to me.
And like I mentioned earlier, myfamily really looks at me like
deer in headlights when I askedfor input.
(06:27):
I don't know.
That's the common response.
I don't care.
What do you want to do?
It all just feels super chaoticto me.
So this is an example of howsomething I love-- Vacation
creates a little chaos in mybrain.
And as I'm talking about it, Idon't want you to think I'm
complaining about vacationbecause that's not what I'm
(06:49):
doing, but I'm really justtrying to illustrate how my
brain has a hard time sometimeswith upsetting the structure,
the routine, the predictability,the certainty that it's used to.
So there's some fear that comesup for me.
And again, like for me, it'stypically with vacation and
getting off of my workoutschedule off my eat, my, my
(07:09):
eating habits schedule.
It's typically as much as I hateto admit it centered around the
fear of gaining weight.
And our brains tend to focus onthat.
So.
Feeling a little chaos withvacation, now I will say, is
it's really, probably a goodthing, right?
I mean, who doesn't love avacation?
So it's not exactly that hard todeal with because it's something
(07:32):
that we enjoy.
Like we can easily kind of putthose things aside.
But chaos can also show up insome really big ways, too.
I've told the story of mydivorce many, many times
throughout, if you followed me,you know what I'm talking about?
If you don't go to my websiteand read my bio.
So that part of my life washuge, huge, huge chaos.
(07:54):
Very unpredictable, veryuncertain, confusing, disorder.
All of it.
And I think most of us have hada time in our lives where things
feel chaotic, right?
Like the rug has been pulled outfrom underneath us and we feel
like there isn't any solidground to stand on.
And this can manifest in a lotof different ways, including
feeling lost or stressed oroverwhelmed, maybe even in
(08:18):
capable of handling things.
Afraid and so on and so on andso on.
But today.
Let's look at chaos.
I love that word by the way.
For some reason, I don't knowwhy.
But let's look at it fromanother angle.
What if it wasn't a bad thing,like what if we actually just
decided I'm going to justembrace chaos?
I'm going to just lean into it.
(08:40):
Nice.
Right.
So first let's start with whatit is.
What is chaos?
The definition of chaos isconfusion or disorder, and it's
often set off by an event that'sunpredictable.
So there's, there's even a wholemathematical theory about chaos
and chaos shows up everywhere,even in science and math.
(09:01):
No matter how we try, we can't ahundred percent predict
everything because there arejust some things that don't
follow the rules.
And.
Why is this even a problem?
I mentioned earlier because ourbrains don't like
unpredictability.
We like certainty.
So think back to like, you know,the stone age, caveman age, cave
(09:24):
person age.
When staying alive, depended onbeing alert and looking out for
threats and protecting againstthem being proactive about them.
You know, brains back then, wereconstantly looking for signs of
danger.
So evolution wise, that's reallyingrained into how we as humans
operate.
Our brains are always on thelookout for threats, trying to
(09:45):
stay ahead of the game in termsof danger.
So when there's something that'sunknown or uncertain, our brains
really try to find a way tomanage that.
So what happens?
Like we go to what we do knowour brains, try to extrapolate
and create certainty based onpast data, past experiences or
(10:06):
core beliefs.
The problem is that data isn'talways really very reliable.
So, you know, cause thingschange.
And in chaotic times, that meansour brain is going to tell us
that this uncertain situation isscary and bad.
Because we're looking for that.
And when we're feeling thefeelings that come with a
(10:26):
situation that feels scary andbad, it affects how we show up.
But remember our thoughts aboutsomething create a feeling.
And our feelings drive ouractions and then our actions
create the results we get.
I think it's worth noting someof the ways that this fear of
uncertainty or unpredictabilityor like being out of a routine,
(10:49):
you know, when things get shakenup manifests in terms of results
or outcomes.
So when I went through mydivorce, I was a hot mess
friends, hot mess.
I'm sure for the people closestto me, it was probably really,
really hard to watch.
This was like the ultimateexample of chaos in my life
(11:11):
without a doubt, a hundredpercent.
Talk about unpredictable.
Like this was something I neversaw coming.
And if you're new to my world,the short version is that in
2014, so really, almost likenine years ago, it's hard to
believe it's been that long.
I discovered my ex was having anaffair with another man after
we'd been married for 17 yearsand known each other for like
(11:32):
19.
So yeah, I mean, chaosdefinitely resulted from this.
Super unpredictable, never sawcoming.
And, you know, first of all, Iwant to say that, of course this
type of chaos was hard.
Like that's an understatement.
You know, of course it was goingto be hard to handle it
gracefully.
Of course my brain sent up allof the red alerts and caused me
(11:55):
to act in ways that were to putit like again, another
understatement, weren't ideal.
But that's all normal, but theperspective I want to offer
today is that what of chaotictimes like this weren't all so
bad.
Like what if we didn't make themso bad?
Well, I can say this now,because I know that this time in
(12:17):
my life wasn't all bad.
Like I can see now, but it washard to see this perspective
while I was in the messy middle.
I also didn't have a lot ofskills to navigate that time.
So if I were to go through itagain, I would have different
thoughts and different ways ofshowing up.
Not to say I wouldn't struggle,but I would have better tools.
(12:38):
So just a side note, theinspiration for this episode,
was a card I pulled from mymystical shaman, Oracle deck.
And if you like Oracle cards,it's a beautiful deck.
I really love it.
But, this episode was inspiredby a card I pulled, it was
called the wind.
And it obviously resonated a lotfor me because I'm doing a whole
episode on this and I won't readthe whole entry, but I will read
(13:02):
one portion of it.
Because this is what really,really got me thinking.
So here it is (13:06):
when wind comes as medicine, you're being
invited to recognize the valueof chaos.
Windstorms provide necessarychaos to clear the air and
spread seeds.
So plants and trees can takeroot in new fields.
Right now it may seem as if yourworld has been turned upside
down, but this is a temporarystorm that will blow over.
(13:28):
Perhaps communication has brokendown between you and another, or
your many to do lists areoverwhelming.
You.
The medicine is to simplify slowdown course.
Correct.
If you need to and wait out thestorm to clean things up.
Just know that all storms havegreat value.
If you can remain neutral duringtheir course.
Greater clarity and good thingswill come from it all.
(13:50):
Remember this too shall pass.
I just loved that so much.
You know, in nature, chaos andunpredictability really clears
the way for the new.
You know, think about wildfires.
Like they start unpredictably.
We don't know when that's goingto happen.
It creates a lot of chaos.
And, yet they're needed forforests to regenerate.
(14:14):
And likewise it stirs things upfor us and it gives us new
perspective too.
New challenges to overcome.
Chaos really, you know,unpredictability pushes us to
grow.
So what if instead of fearingit.
Like we kind of welcomed it whenit came knocking on our door.
Or rather, sometimes it bust thedoor down.
What if we acknowledged it forwhat it is, just a new challenge
(14:37):
that maybe where we weren'tready for.
And then just ask what we canlearn from it.
What if we were to slow down.
Kind of hunker down and groundin and just let that storm pass
and, you know, clean up then.
I often work with clients withtheir unhelpful thoughts.
Remember, last week I talkedabout this on the show.
(14:58):
Last episode, episode number.
One 14.
One 13.
I forget now.
Last week, last episode.
I talked about.
Making your thoughts work foryou?
And I often work with clients onthoughts that can be unhelpful.
And remember, like I saidbefore, our thoughts create our
feelings and feelings drive ouractions, actions create our
(15:21):
results.
So if we want different results,we need to really look at those
thoughts.
When our brain offers thoughtsabout chaos being bad, what
happens?
Well, we feel afraid.
We feel stressed, overwhelmed.
And none of these feelings arebad, of course, but when we
aren't paying attention, theycause us to show up in ways that
(15:43):
aren't really aligned with theperson we want to be.
And those behaviors don't alwaysget us closer to what we want.
Often our work here centersaround creating a more neutral
thought that can create afeeling that helps us take
action towards something thatdoes move us along the path that
aligns with who we are.
So let's take a really broadexample here.
(16:03):
When I learned that my marriagewas over, my thoughts were
really centered around how mylife was over and I didn't know
how I was going to make itthrough this totally awful
thing.
So what if I knew what I knownow?
It still would have been hard,but if I had just been able to
kind of breathe.
You know, welcome feelings offear, anger, sadness, and pain.
Not necessarily like likingthem, but just noticing them and
(16:28):
knowing that they're not goingto be there forever.
You know, just making space forthem to exist and really
grounding in finding meaningwhere I could.
And just waiting out that stormmore neutrally.
There's a lot of nuance to thisexample.
So please know it's a generalone.
And being neutral about adivorce is really, really pretty
(16:48):
tough.
If, you know, if not, I probablynot impossible, but very
difficult.
And I get that.
The point of the word neutral isreally more though to learn to
accept the difficult emotions,you know, accept the chaos and
let it be there while you takeaction towards what's important
to you, or like while you stepthrough that kind of chaos that
(17:12):
you're in towards, you know,something that feels better.
And that requires slowing down.
And it all also requires feelingthe feelings that, that chaos
brings...
that the uncertainty and theunpredictability bring.
And oh, that is so hard.
It takes a lot of practice.
(17:34):
It requires slowing down and italso requires feeling the
feelings that come with chaosand confusion and disorder.
That's really hard.
It takes a lot of practice.
So if we can just kind of slowdown.
And think about like, what is mynext right step here?
We can find greater clarityabout navigating that path.
(17:57):
And then we're not as freakedout.
We feel more empowered to takethose next right steps on our
path.
On our aligned path.
So.
There are a lot of benefits tolike chaos and confusion and
unpredictability and things thathappen.
You know, when you're notexpecting them.
Chaos forces us out of ourcomfort zones.
(18:19):
So we need to adapt and grow toadjust to new things.
You know, this process of havingto adjust creates new data in
our brain that tells us we'reable to be flexible and to
adapt.
And this builds resilience.
And that's so important.
Adversity also creates newproblems to solve.
(18:40):
You know, it pushes us to digdeep and discover untapped
resources that we have andremind us of what we're capable
of.
Or even, you know, let us knowwe're more capable than we
thought we were or are.
And here's where we build moreconfidence in our ability.
We develop a stronger sense ofself.
And inner strength.
(19:02):
It's easy to forget thatsometimes, you know, when we're
just cranking along andeverything's fine.
Sometimes we just forget whatwe're really made of.
And remember how I mentionedthat our brains extrapolate
using old data to try to createcertainty in uncertain
situations.
Well, you're creating some newdata.
We also become more resourceful.
(19:22):
You know, we learn how to dothat because we have two.
I talked about why our brainshate uncertainty.
You know, it's one of thebiggest fears humans have in
chaos really does give anopportunity.
To practice embracinguncertainty.
And let's face it.
There's nothing certain.
So as we practice embracinguncertainty, we develop a
(19:44):
greater tolerance for ambiguityin life.
And we develop a more flexiblemindset that allows us, you
know, it allows us to always beadapting and not make that a bad
thing.
There's a quote and I don't knowwho said it and exactly how it
goes, but basically the, the,just as, but the only certain
thing is that everything'suncertain.
(20:05):
That's the only certain thing wedon't know anything for sure.
We also really, you know, Italked about digging deep to
become more resourceful.
We also discover, you know, somehidden strengths that we might
have through adversity andchaos.
We're really pushed to tap intoour inner reserves of courage
and determination creativity.
(20:27):
Adaptability.
And we discover parts ofourselves we might not have
realized that we had before.
I said to a friend recently thatwithout challenges, life would
be pretty boring.
And she totally laughed andsaid, well, actually I think it
would be pretty good.
And yeah.
I mean, if you really thinkabout it, just being able to sit
back and enjoy life withoutchaos would be nice.
(20:47):
But on the other hand, wewouldn't then have the contrast.
That allows us to appreciatethat and appreciation, gratitude
and finding meaning in life isalso what creates that feeling
of purpose in life, you know,which is, let's face it, that's
most of us at one time oranother ask about like, what's
my purpose.
So it's chaos hard.
(21:08):
Yeah.
Totally.
But is it necessary for growth?
I really think it is.
And you know, it's reallyunavoidable.
So we really have two choices.
We can fight it or we can rollwith it and come out on the
other side, you know, thinkabout it like a hurricane, you
batten down the hatches, boardup the windows, hang on until
the storm is over and then youclean it up.
(21:28):
Step-by-step.
And to be clear, this doesn'tmean that you just lie down and
sleep on the couch until it'sover.
It means that you slow down, youget intentional.
Work on welcoming the unwelcome,get comfortable being
uncomfortable and always justask yourself what your next
right step is towards the lifeyou want and the person you want
to be.
(21:50):
And this my friends can apply tomanaging your to-do list.
Feeling like you have no time.
You know, having a billionthings going on in life at one
time, feeling stressed.
It can apply to you know, theother extreme, like, you know,
having, finding out your exwants a divorce, you know, it
can apply to any type of chaos,but the point is, it's okay if
(22:14):
things feel chaotic, you don'thave to hook into the chaos.
You can ground yourself in andsort of wait out the storm and
take your little next rightsteps along the path while, it
swirls around you.
So I invite you to look at yourlife and see where chaos shows
up there.
How do you handle it?
What are your thoughts about itand how might you slow down and
(22:35):
hang on while you ride out thestorm.
You know, and take the littlesteps you can, but not like,
just react to all the chaos allthe time.
And what are some of the thoughtshifts or mindset shifts you can
make here?
And if you need help doing this,because honestly, this is really
easy to talk about in a podcast,but it is really hard work to do
(22:58):
that takes a lot of practice.
And to uncover some of yourblind spots I talked about your
brain creating certainty basedon past data...
Your brain doesn't want to letgo of that past data so
sometimes it really takessomeone helping you uncover
those blind spots so you cancreate new data.
You can say oh I'm working withfaulty data here let me see how
(23:22):
I can dismantle this unhelpfulbelief system and build up a new
one.
So this is my favorite stuff towork with people on so just you
know send me a message and wecan talk about it.
You know you.
you.
can schedule a call you don'thave to commit to working with
me or anything like that but youknow it could be really fun to
hop on a call and you know getmy thoughts on what your blind
(23:44):
spots are I love helping peoplewith this stuff so just go over
to my website at kortney rivarddot com slash lets dash talk and
you can schedule a free strategysession.
And one more thing.
Favor to ask...
if you liked this episode or ifyou're enjoying my show i would
really appreciate it if youcould leave a review and a five
star rating.
(24:05):
It really helps other peoplefind the show and that is the
whole point of this.
I do this for you guys because ilove sharing the things that
I've learned and I just feel sohonored to be able to help other
people Along their journey tolive a real brave and
unstoppable life.
So please go do that if youdon't mind it only takes a
couple of minutes and again itreally helps other people find
(24:28):
this show.
Okay friends i hope this was ahelpful topic for you i will be
back soon with another episodethat will help you live your
real brave and unstoppable life.
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