December 22, 2023 • 27 mins
The holiday season is notoriously a crazy time of year. Why do we do this to ourselves? Sure, there is lots to do, but wouldn't it be nice to slow down and enjoy the season a little more?
Listen to this episode for my tips on how to slow down, get quiet and patiently wait this time of year.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, my friends.
(00:01):
And welcome back to real, braveand unstoppable for episode
number 119.
I hope that your holiday seasonis going well so far.
It's going really fast as usual.
Speaking of holiday season thisyear, I was able to travel back
to Minnesota, which is where I'mfrom, for Thanksgiving.
(00:23):
And for the first time, and Idon't even know how long I was
able to spend an actual holidaywith my family.
Like on the day.
I didn't have my kids with me.
They were with their dad andthey were actually also in
Minnesota just with his familyinstead of mine.
That it was really nice to beable to spend time with my
family.
And I had so much gratitude forthat.
(00:44):
Even got to experience anoutdoor football game.
I went to the Minnesota-Wisconsin game.
To see my nephew in the marchingband.
Well we went for the footballto.
I went to school there.
So go gophers.
The high that day, it was alittle below freezing.
So I had to really dig deep tochannel that good old Minnesota
cold weather toughness.
(01:06):
And it even snowed during thegame, which was like so magical.
I loved it.
So I'm really grateful I wasable to take that trip.
This combined with a book I readrecently called 29 gifts.
You should definitely check itout.
It's really good.
But it caused me to really thinkabout slowing down to really
appreciate the things that aregood in my life.
(01:28):
Because, you know, it's easy tokind of go through our day to
day and forget to really pausewith what's good.
So I was also this year, with, Imean, I love Christmas, the
holiday season.
I'm at a place in my life whereI'm finally able to enjoy it
again.
My ex and I split up nine yearsago during the holidays.
(01:49):
So for a long time, it wasreally hard for me to enjoy
that.
But I'm finally at a place whereI really.
I totally do.
I love it again.
But this year, I was pulled tokind of reconnect with my
Christian faith a little bit.
For those of you who are notChristian, or do not have
interest in you know, religionor whatever, don't worry.
(02:10):
It's this is not a religiousepisode.
It's just, you can apply whatI'm talking about to really
whatever you know, you relateto.
But in the past several years,I've really struggled a bit with
how I like how I relate to this.
And I've been kind of trying tofind my own way.
But I found this was a perfecttime to do this with it being
(02:31):
the season of advent.
Now again, whether you'reChristian or not, this episode
has lessons.
I may refer to some elements ofChristianity, but you can most
certainly relate what I have tosay to your own situation,
whether you're religious or not.
But anyway, getting back ontrack.
Advent is really a time forrejoicing and also in being
(02:54):
still and waiting.
It's a time of waiting for thebirth of Jesus in Christianity.
And it's a time of, you know,for hope and for peace.
So, if you think about thetypical American during
December.
Any guesses...
Yeah, not so much.
Not many of us practicestillness in December Do we?
(03:16):
It's almost like people are alllined up at the starting line,
you know, like horses in a horserace.
And as soon as black Fridayhits, the gates are open and the
race starts.
Shopping planning, hostingparties.
Going to parties, finding theperfect gifts, making the
crafts.
Decorating.
All the things, right.
It seems like things just keeppiling up on the to-do list and
(03:38):
it sometimes feels impossible totake anything off of it.
I remember when I was married,we used to have this big holiday
party every year.
It was so much fun.
But I think about all the timethat went into that party.
It was a lot.
We carefully curated everythinglike the appetizer menu and we
made all the food ourselves.
At first.
(03:58):
Eventually, when we kind ofchilled out a little bit about
it, we had people bringingstuff, but initially, like we
wanted it to be so perfect.
We'd even try some of theappetizers ahead of time to make
sure, you know, they're up topar.
And we'd have the house likeperfectly decorated.
We even planned a holiday triviacontest and we had this fun
white elephant gift game.
(04:19):
We always had a signaturecocktail for the party.
Specially curated the wines.
And as a finishing touch, wehaven't had those little white
paper bag luminaries to line ourvery long driveway.
Oh yeah.
And let's not forget the printedcustom designed invitations that
I designed every year.
Usually depicting my chocolatelab in some sort of like holiday
(04:42):
get up.
They were amazing invitations Ihave to say, but I'm like, I'm
picturing them right now.
There are some funny ones.
But, on top of that, and this isrelated to, you know, my
chocolate lab appearing on the,the the invitations.
I also operated a photographystudio.
And this time of the year wasalways the busiest.
(05:04):
And of course adding onto theshopping.
And when kids are a little atspace that you got to get all
the cool toys before they sellout.
Otherwise you end up payinglike, ah, so much in shipping.
And yeah, let's not forgettravel.
We would travel back toMinnesota every year back then
to see my family and my ex'sfamily.
And we'd have to get all of ourgifts back there somehow.
(05:26):
So that meant planning ahead toship things before the days of
Amazon prime being so easy.
Or packing things in a suitcase.
Again, back in the day whenairlines didn't nickel and dime
you for extra luggage.
And then travel in and of itselfwas just a special treat.
Delays and busy.
The, when you're we got strandedin Chicago overnight because
(05:47):
there was a snow storm or therewas another year I got stuck
after Christmas and wasn't goingto be able to get back for
several days.
Like there weren't any flightsavailable.
So I actually ended up, this isone of the craziest things I've
ever done.
I ended up talking to somepeople in the line where we were
trying to figure this out andsomebody suggested renting a
(06:12):
car.
And so I rented a car with thesepeople.
I didn't even know them.
There were, there was this oneguy and then this other couple.
So I think there's a total offour of us, maybe five.
I don't remember.
I think five of us total.
And, yeah, we rented an SUV andwe drove from Minneapolis to
Baltimore.
DC, whatever And there's thishuge snowstorm driving through
(06:34):
like Minnesota and Wisconsin.
It was one of the crazier thingsI've ever done.
So that was fun.
But over the years, I've taken alot of these, my plate and my
kids are older.
So there isn't as much emphasison getting like the latest, hot
toy before it sells out.
And stuff like that.
Since my divorce, I haven'thosted Christmas parties and I
(06:56):
rarely traveled during theholidays.
But I still have noticed thatChristmas always seems to come
and go so fast.
It feels like I'm just likebuzzing through life and not
really stopping to payattention.
And savor, the little moments.
So this year I've really made ita point to make time for
(07:17):
mindfulness or.
I don't even say make time, butI've really been trying to be
more present.
I'm focusing on getting more,still more quiet.
And notice.
I don't say I'm trying to getstill because like anyone, this
is a work in progress and it'slike, you know, we still will be
busy and we still there's no,all or nothing in this, it's
(07:38):
just where can I bring a littlemore stillness into my life?
So today I'm going to talk aboutsome of the ways to get still
and quiet, you know, and also toenjoy the little things that are
so beautiful about the holidayseason.
Now I do have to confess, I'vebeen trying to record this
episode for probably two weeksand.
I think in my quest for gettingstill and quiet, I've been
(08:02):
taking things off my to-do liststhat are absolutely necessary.
So, while I would like to saythis is absolutely necessary.
I mean, honestly, it reallyisn't and I knew I'd get around
to it at some point.
And here I am getting it out toyou right before Christmas.
So, you know, some of this...
(08:22):
You can apply to the week afterChristmas, you can apply to your
weekend.
Just how do you really spendsome time getting still and
enjoying what's left of the endof 2023.
So let's talk first about why weget so busy in the first place.
Basically having too much to dois, it's like a result of taking
(08:46):
on too much.
Putting too much on your plate.
After all we're each ultimatelyresponsible for how much is on
our plate.
Now you might be saying.
Yeah, but kortney, I can't justsay no, for example, to
increased workload at work.
I can't NOT do my Christmasshopping.
(09:06):
I have to go to this gatheringor this event, that party and so
on.
I can't say no.
Well, I mean, there's some truthto that.
There's some truth to that.
Like with work, for example.
However, let me tell you aboutthe number of people I've
coached in the last couple ofmonths, well, at all ever, but
(09:26):
who assume they can't say no towork that's given to them?
They just assume that so theydon't bother to ask, if a
deadline is hard or soft or isthere any room for someone
helping or like, they don'treally have the bandwidth for
this.
So can they problem solve?
But they're afraid to say thatthey're, plate's already full
for fear that they'll beperceived as like incompetent.
(09:48):
Nearly every client I coach onstress has some version of this
around work.
And shopping, like I get it, butis it true, like really true
that you really can't not doyour shopping.
So there might be consequencesfor not doing shopping, but it's
not true that you have to.
(10:10):
And also like, if you're goingcrazy, like with shopping,
chances are you're buying toomuch, you're stressing about
getting the perfect thing, or,you know, you could be ordering
it on Amazon and you're runningout to all the stores instead,
and you've got too many otherthings to do.
So the message I'm trying toconvey here is that many people
(10:32):
overstress when it comes togetting like the perfect gift or
spending the right amount ofmoney.
Which brings up a whole otherset of fears.
But like you're in control ofdeciding what you can and can't
do.
And when you start noticinghave-tos and should-dos...
these are potential thoughterrors and thinking traps, and
you actually CAN decide onsomething that works for you.
(10:53):
And isn't so stressful.
It's pretty common with stufflike this, to think in very
binary terms.
Last episode was about thebeauty of gray.
You know, not, not thinking inall or nothing.
Like how can you find a littlemore gray area in this, you
know, binary thinking or all ornothing thinking is I either
have to do all of this...
(11:14):
or I'm not getting anythingdone.
I'm not doing anything at all.
In other words, like I'm failingat this.
So there's a lot more gray areain there than we usually find.
So the shopping thing, likeoverstressing about it, or
over-planning..
That can stem from fear.
(11:34):
What if they don't like my gift?
What if I didn't do enough?
What if the money is uneven?
Susie really wanted this toy andif I don't find it, she's going
to be disappointed for the wholerest of her life.
Like fear based thoughts, right?
Parties.
I mentioned the one we used tohost.
It was a lot of fun.
Yes.
But it consumed my time fromThanksgiving, and even before,
(11:57):
remember I mentioned the customdesigned printed invitation sent
out around Thanksgiving.
Yes.
Well, I had to create thosebefore Thanksgiving.
At one point, I realized that Iwas having to cram in all of the
traditions I wanted toparticipate in with my kids into
roughly a week or two.
So this really comes down tovalues.
Like what's important.
(12:18):
Sometimes something that's funand kind of important gets
trumped by the stuff that isREALLY important.
So prioritizing your values,knowing what your values are
really helps here.
Going to parties, even thoughyou don't have the bandwidth for
all the parties is anotherthing.
That's also fear-based.
Bob will be upset if I go toGladys his party and not his, I
(12:39):
love making up these names.
I can't not show up for the workparty.
I'll look like I'm not a teamplayer.
Okay, so maybe Bob will beupset.
But I can almost certainlypromise you he'll get over it.
And it is possible to have aconversation with Bob about how
sorry you are, that you can'tattend and hope that you can
next year, this one's aboutboundaries, and also going back
(13:01):
to what's really important toyou.
Sometimes we take on too much toavoid conflict or making people
feel bad too.
And sometimes we stay busy orget too busy because it's just
what we identify with this timeof year.
It's just what we do, right.
We don't really take the time tolook at the things we're putting
on our plate to see if they'rereally important.
(13:24):
If they're really things thathave to get done, or if we can
back off.
Some people also experiencegrief or sadness at this time of
the year.
And staying busy helps keep themdistracted.
So there are a couple of themeshere.
First, a lot of our busy-nessstems from avoidance of
something else, like emotionsthat are uncomfortable.
(13:45):
You know, saying no to auntSally's invitation could upset
someone and then you have todeal with the fallout of that.
When in reality, we all needboundaries.
And part of being emotionallygrown up is being able to
communicate with aunt Sally.
And being able to sit with thediscomfort of where that ends
up.
Not an easy thing.
(14:05):
Boundaries are not easy, butthey'll change your life.
I promise.
The second part of this, or thesecond kind of theme here is,
and these two things worktogether, but a lot of times we
forget what's truly important tous.
So in some of these examples Ishared earlier, like let's take
decorating.
For example, if I'm stressingabout getting my house
impeccably decorated, There aretwo possibilities.
(14:28):
Well, there are more than two,but two of them are, a) I'm
worried that, uh, someone comesto my house and anything looks
less than perfect.
I'm worried about what they'llthink or the guests at my party
will like scoff at my decor.
Or it won't look good enough.
It won't be fancy enough,whatever.
Option two is that I just reallyenjoy decorating and how it
(14:50):
looks that makes me happy to seemy house decorated.
But, if this is coming at theexpense of peace and calm, and
it's creating stress around toomany things to do at a certain
point, you really have to lookat our values and prioritize,
like what really is important?
What, what do we need toprioritize?
What needs to come first?
(15:11):
So the holiday season is reallya combination of these things.
Prioritization of what's mostimportant and non- avoidance of
discomfort.
So we have to be able to getreally intentional about this.
And in order to get intentional,we need to practice awareness.
And in order to practiceawareness, we have to slow down.
(15:33):
We have to get still and quiet.
And it's only here where we canstart to notice what we're
thinking or feeling and whatwe're doing.
This is hard any time of yearwhen we're not practiced in it.
And yes, it takes a lot ofpractice.
It it takes making a commitmentto slowing down and to getting
quiet.
There's so much beauty this timeof the year friends.
(15:55):
If you live in a snowy climate,the beauty of the falling snow
flakes against a starry sky.
Or the glow of the morning sunthrough snow coated trees.
The chill of crisp December air,the sparkle of winter sky.
The scent of pine cones,simmering cider the twinkle of
the Christmas tree.
Sounds of Christmas carols.
(16:17):
The closeness of family watchingholiday movies together.
Glowing candles, the excitementin the air as you shop for your
gifts.
And when we don't slow down, wedon't even notice it.
So if you celebrate Christmas,it comes and goes so fast when
we don't slow down.
The family gatherings, openingof presents flies by, and then
(16:39):
the we're just left in this massof wrapping paper and kind of
like, whoa, what happened here?
And then we feel totally bloatedand crappy cause we ate too
much.
Okay, so I'm going to get alittle Christmas story-y here.
So if you're not familiar withthis like the Christmas story,
that's okay, but I'm going totell you a little bit about it.
(17:01):
Cause I think it's really it's,it's just, it's such a great
lesson or such a great parallel.
Um, you know, when when theangel came and told Mary
basically that she was gonna tobear God's son Jesus, I mean,
can you imagine that, she wasn'teven married yet.
That was no-no that was no, noback then.
(17:21):
So first of all, she's like, howam I?
She didn't know what I mean.
That was probably pretty scary.
But she totally like, she letgo.
She surrendered.
She trusted.
And Mary and Joseph didn'treally have anything.
They didn't have money.
They weren't, you know, theyreally had to turn everything
over to trusting.
(17:43):
They had to slow down.
They had to really listen forsigns of how to handle this,
what to do.
They were really focused on whatwas important.
And I think there's so much thatwe can learn from the season of
advent where it's about waiting.
It's about really tuning intowhat's bare bones important and
(18:06):
slowing down and waiting forthis, you know, big celebration
of If you, if you're Christianthe birth of Jesus, if you're
not Christian, let's just saylike family celebrations or
whatever, like slowing down andreally waiting to partake in
these beautiful traditions thistime of the year.
And this can apply it to anytime of the year as well.
(18:29):
It's just like that saying stopand smell the roses.
If we don't slow down and stop,like, we don't even notice
they're there.
And there's so much that we getfrom noticing from being still
and really noticing what ispresent for us.
You know, what's, what'shappening around us.
(18:50):
What's happening with the peoplewe care about.
Another thing that slowing downdoes is...
Have you ever thought toyourself, I feel stuck.
I feel stuck?
I feel like I'm going throughthe motions.
Slow down.
And connect with what'simportant.
That's how we find meaning inlife.
(19:11):
And if we're just going crazyand just checking boxes off the
to-do list all day, and we'renot really taking a moment to
really check in with ourselves.
We're not going to be able toconnect to what's truly
important to us.
I've talked about values alittle bit on the podcast.
I probably should do another,like a little more in depth
episode about it, but values areso important in just helping us
(19:35):
make choices in just moment tomoment choices about how we show
up.
as Well as like bigger, youknow, setting goals and finding
direction in life.
But.
It's really worth.
I'm a huge advocate for doingthe values, exercise, where you
Google list of values.
(19:55):
You'll get a list of a lot ofwords.
There are some out there thatare shorter lists, but I like
the ones that are a littlelonger.
And you go through that list.
And anything that's really likejumps out at you about like, you
know, what qualities areimportant to you in how you show
up, like what guides you increating the life you want to
(20:16):
live?
What if somebody was giving aspeech about you?
Like, what would you be reallyproud that they noticed about
you?
It's the kind of, the kind ofthings that you would strive for
or qualities you'd want topossess, even if no one was
watching you.
And slowing down helps younotice, like where am I out of
alignment with that stuff?
What, where am I out ofalignment with what's important.
(20:37):
And how can I line up with someof those things?
How can I connect with some ofthose things a little more?
And that's just where we find somuch meaning in life.
Without doing that, yeah, wejust go through the motions.
And it doesn't feel fulfillingbecause we're doing things that
aren't important.
So think about that.
You gotta slow down.
(20:58):
You gotta get quiet.
You gotta get still to be ableto notice that stuff.
You know, I mentioned beforeawareness.
Slowing down...
Is where we find awareness.
And what do I always say?
Awareness is half the battle.
Of, you know, just growing andlearning and in this life.
(21:20):
One more thing I wanted to justtouch on is the waiting aspect
of things.
So I'm somebody who gets excitedif someone tells me they've got
me a gift, for example.
I'm like, I got excited.
Like I want to know what it is.
Like I don't want to wait.
I don't want to, I want to knowwhat it is.
I don't really want to know whatit is, but there's this part of
(21:41):
me that just so antsy to know,and then I'm like, oh, I can't
wait till that day so I can findout what it is.
So I noticed this though..
My partner, he does this everyyear...
He he's tries to suck me intothis.
He knows that I bite and thisyear I didn't...
it was amazing.
But he knows.
I get really frustrated if hepokes at me with like, oh, I bet
(22:03):
you can't guess what yourpresident is.
And.
and it does, it gets me, ithooks me every time and I get so
frustrated.
Not,, not because I don't knowwhat it is, but more at the
poking.
And then the curiosity just getsme.
But, This year I kind of, I saidto him, I don't want to know.
So don't even, I don't even careif you do that.
(22:24):
I don't want to know.
So why would you do that?
So.
But I did notice myself saying.
Oh, I can't wait until...
to myself, not to him, but Ican't wait until it's only a few
more days and I'll be able tofind out what it is.
And it's this huge box.
Like he wrapped it and put it bythe tree.
It's huge.
It's a huge box.
So of course my curiosity isthere.
(22:45):
Right?
But instead of like, I'mnoticing, oh, it's only a few
more days.
I can't wait.
Just let these days go by.
And then I caught myself andwent, ah, that's not really
waiting.
Is it?
That's not really waiting.
So the way I want to pull allthis together.
Is, and this, you can apply thisto anything that you're sort of,
(23:06):
you know, waiting for in life.
Is, you know, that day's gonnacome.
But how can you find meaning andjoy in the now?
In this day, in this day?
Part of the fun is the waiting.
And if we can just slow down andget quiet.
(23:26):
And appreciate what's here inthe now.
The other stuff will come.
So that's what I have to offeryou today, friends.
I wish I would have gotten thisout sooner for you, but you can,
you can hold this message andpractice it next year.
Or what I would really love youto do is in the couple of days
(23:49):
before Christmas, and in the, inthe week, before new years, How
can you just really slow downfrom day to day and notice
what's present in you and what'spresent around you.
Now.
While you wait for this new yearto, to begin.
(24:11):
I'd love to hear how it goes.
Send me an email.
Let me know.
Um, a couple of things before Igo: first of all, if you don't
follow me on social media,please go do that.
I'm kortneyrivardlifecoach onboth, both Facebook and
Instagram.
I love showing up mostly onInstagram.
I'm mostly over there, butthings do cop.
(24:33):
You know, do share over toFacebook as well, but I love
hanging out on Instagram and Iwould love to have some more
interaction with people andjust, you know, have fun over
there.
I think it's a neat place to tohang out and sort of build
community.
So come visit me over there andsay, hi.
And then the other thing is...
if you're enjoying the show, dome a favor and please go leave a
(24:57):
rating and a review for me.
It's really the best way to letother people find, there's help
other people find the show.
And I know some people have saidit's really has been enjoyable
for them to listen to, so, youknow, who knows how you might be
helping someone.
If you share it.
And one more thing I have tojust share is that the podcast
(25:20):
host that I use sends out everyyear, like the stats for the
year.
And I was pretty proud because Iam in the top 50% of all the
podcasts in terms of downloadsand listeners of all the
podcasts, this company hosts.
Top 50%.
I thought that was pretty forsmall little old me...
I thought that was pretty cool.
(25:41):
And I'm really proud of that.
So thank you for being one ofthose listeners.
So much appreciate you.
If you ever have any episodeideas or something you want to
hear more about, please reachout.
I love when people do that.
So, with that friends, have avery Merry Christmas and I will
see you next time.
Hello, my friends.
(00:01):
And welcome back to real, braveand unstoppable for episode
number 119.
I hope that your holiday seasonis going well so far.
It's going really fast as usual.
Speaking of holiday season thisyear, I was able to travel back
to Minnesota, which is where I'mfrom, for Thanksgiving.
(00:23):
And for the first time, and Idon't even know how long I was
able to spend an actual holidaywith my family.
Like on the day.
I didn't have my kids with me.
They were with their dad andthey were actually also in
Minnesota just with his familyinstead of mine.
That it was really nice to beable to spend time with my
family.
And I had so much gratitude forthat.
(00:44):
Even got to experience anoutdoor football game.
I went to the Minnesota-Wisconsin game.
To see my nephew in the marchingband.
Well we went for the footballto.
I went to school there.
So go gophers.
The high that day, it was alittle below freezing.
So I had to really dig deep tochannel that good old Minnesota
cold weather toughness.
(01:06):
And it even snowed during thegame, which was like so magical.
I loved it.
So I'm really grateful I wasable to take that trip.
This combined with a book I readrecently called 29 gifts.
You should definitely check itout.
It's really good.
But it caused me to really thinkabout slowing down to really
appreciate the things that aregood in my life.
(01:28):
Because, you know, it's easy tokind of go through our day to
day and forget to really pausewith what's good.
So I was also this year, with, Imean, I love Christmas, the
holiday season.
I'm at a place in my life whereI'm finally able to enjoy it
again.
My ex and I split up nine yearsago during the holidays.
(01:49):
So for a long time, it wasreally hard for me to enjoy
that.
But I'm finally at a place whereI really.
I totally do.
I love it again.
But this year, I was pulled tokind of reconnect with my
Christian faith a little bit.
For those of you who are notChristian, or do not have
interest in you know, religionor whatever, don't worry.
(02:10):
It's this is not a religiousepisode.
It's just, you can apply whatI'm talking about to really
whatever you know, you relateto.
But in the past several years,I've really struggled a bit with
how I like how I relate to this.
And I've been kind of trying tofind my own way.
But I found this was a perfecttime to do this with it being
(02:31):
the season of advent.
Now again, whether you'reChristian or not, this episode
has lessons.
I may refer to some elements ofChristianity, but you can most
certainly relate what I have tosay to your own situation,
whether you're religious or not.
But anyway, getting back ontrack.
Advent is really a time forrejoicing and also in being
(02:54):
still and waiting.
It's a time of waiting for thebirth of Jesus in Christianity.
And it's a time of, you know,for hope and for peace.
So, if you think about thetypical American during
December.
Any guesses...
Yeah, not so much.
Not many of us practicestillness in December Do we?
(03:16):
It's almost like people are alllined up at the starting line,
you know, like horses in a horserace.
And as soon as black Fridayhits, the gates are open and the
race starts.
Shopping planning, hostingparties.
Going to parties, finding theperfect gifts, making the
crafts.
Decorating.
All the things, right.
It seems like things just keeppiling up on the to-do list and
(03:38):
it sometimes feels impossible totake anything off of it.
I remember when I was married,we used to have this big holiday
party every year.
It was so much fun.
But I think about all the timethat went into that party.
It was a lot.
We carefully curated everythinglike the appetizer menu and we
made all the food ourselves.
At first.
(03:58):
Eventually, when we kind ofchilled out a little bit about
it, we had people bringingstuff, but initially, like we
wanted it to be so perfect.
We'd even try some of theappetizers ahead of time to make
sure, you know, they're up topar.
And we'd have the house likeperfectly decorated.
We even planned a holiday triviacontest and we had this fun
white elephant gift game.
(04:19):
We always had a signaturecocktail for the party.
Specially curated the wines.
And as a finishing touch, wehaven't had those little white
paper bag luminaries to line ourvery long driveway.
Oh yeah.
And let's not forget the printedcustom designed invitations that
I designed every year.
Usually depicting my chocolatelab in some sort of like holiday
(04:42):
get up.
They were amazing invitations Ihave to say, but I'm like, I'm
picturing them right now.
There are some funny ones.
But, on top of that, and this isrelated to, you know, my
chocolate lab appearing on the,the the invitations.
I also operated a photographystudio.
And this time of the year wasalways the busiest.
(05:04):
And of course adding onto theshopping.
And when kids are a little atspace that you got to get all
the cool toys before they sellout.
Otherwise you end up payinglike, ah, so much in shipping.
And yeah, let's not forgettravel.
We would travel back toMinnesota every year back then
to see my family and my ex'sfamily.
And we'd have to get all of ourgifts back there somehow.
(05:26):
So that meant planning ahead toship things before the days of
Amazon prime being so easy.
Or packing things in a suitcase.
Again, back in the day whenairlines didn't nickel and dime
you for extra luggage.
And then travel in and of itselfwas just a special treat.
Delays and busy.
The, when you're we got strandedin Chicago overnight because
(05:47):
there was a snow storm or therewas another year I got stuck
after Christmas and wasn't goingto be able to get back for
several days.
Like there weren't any flightsavailable.
So I actually ended up, this isone of the craziest things I've
ever done.
I ended up talking to somepeople in the line where we were
trying to figure this out andsomebody suggested renting a
(06:12):
car.
And so I rented a car with thesepeople.
I didn't even know them.
There were, there was this oneguy and then this other couple.
So I think there's a total offour of us, maybe five.
I don't remember.
I think five of us total.
And, yeah, we rented an SUV andwe drove from Minneapolis to
Baltimore.
DC, whatever And there's thishuge snowstorm driving through
(06:34):
like Minnesota and Wisconsin.
It was one of the crazier thingsI've ever done.
So that was fun.
But over the years, I've taken alot of these, my plate and my
kids are older.
So there isn't as much emphasison getting like the latest, hot
toy before it sells out.
And stuff like that.
Since my divorce, I haven'thosted Christmas parties and I
(06:56):
rarely traveled during theholidays.
But I still have noticed thatChristmas always seems to come
and go so fast.
It feels like I'm just likebuzzing through life and not
really stopping to payattention.
And savor, the little moments.
So this year I've really made ita point to make time for
(07:17):
mindfulness or.
I don't even say make time, butI've really been trying to be
more present.
I'm focusing on getting more,still more quiet.
And notice.
I don't say I'm trying to getstill because like anyone, this
is a work in progress and it'slike, you know, we still will be
busy and we still there's no,all or nothing in this, it's
(07:38):
just where can I bring a littlemore stillness into my life?
So today I'm going to talk aboutsome of the ways to get still
and quiet, you know, and also toenjoy the little things that are
so beautiful about the holidayseason.
Now I do have to confess, I'vebeen trying to record this
episode for probably two weeksand.
I think in my quest for gettingstill and quiet, I've been
(08:02):
taking things off my to-do liststhat are absolutely necessary.
So, while I would like to saythis is absolutely necessary.
I mean, honestly, it reallyisn't and I knew I'd get around
to it at some point.
And here I am getting it out toyou right before Christmas.
So, you know, some of this...
(08:22):
You can apply to the week afterChristmas, you can apply to your
weekend.
Just how do you really spendsome time getting still and
enjoying what's left of the endof 2023.
So let's talk first about why weget so busy in the first place.
Basically having too much to dois, it's like a result of taking
(08:46):
on too much.
Putting too much on your plate.
After all we're each ultimatelyresponsible for how much is on
our plate.
Now you might be saying.
Yeah, but kortney, I can't justsay no, for example, to
increased workload at work.
I can't NOT do my Christmasshopping.
(09:06):
I have to go to this gatheringor this event, that party and so
on.
I can't say no.
Well, I mean, there's some truthto that.
There's some truth to that.
Like with work, for example.
However, let me tell you aboutthe number of people I've
coached in the last couple ofmonths, well, at all ever, but
(09:26):
who assume they can't say no towork that's given to them?
They just assume that so theydon't bother to ask, if a
deadline is hard or soft or isthere any room for someone
helping or like, they don'treally have the bandwidth for
this.
So can they problem solve?
But they're afraid to say thatthey're, plate's already full
for fear that they'll beperceived as like incompetent.
(09:48):
Nearly every client I coach onstress has some version of this
around work.
And shopping, like I get it, butis it true, like really true
that you really can't not doyour shopping.
So there might be consequencesfor not doing shopping, but it's
not true that you have to.
(10:10):
And also like, if you're goingcrazy, like with shopping,
chances are you're buying toomuch, you're stressing about
getting the perfect thing, or,you know, you could be ordering
it on Amazon and you're runningout to all the stores instead,
and you've got too many otherthings to do.
So the message I'm trying toconvey here is that many people
(10:32):
overstress when it comes togetting like the perfect gift or
spending the right amount ofmoney.
Which brings up a whole otherset of fears.
But like you're in control ofdeciding what you can and can't
do.
And when you start noticinghave-tos and should-dos...
these are potential thoughterrors and thinking traps, and
you actually CAN decide onsomething that works for you.
(10:53):
And isn't so stressful.
It's pretty common with stufflike this, to think in very
binary terms.
Last episode was about thebeauty of gray.
You know, not, not thinking inall or nothing.
Like how can you find a littlemore gray area in this, you
know, binary thinking or all ornothing thinking is I either
have to do all of this...
(11:14):
or I'm not getting anythingdone.
I'm not doing anything at all.
In other words, like I'm failingat this.
So there's a lot more gray areain there than we usually find.
So the shopping thing, likeoverstressing about it, or
over-planning..
That can stem from fear.
(11:34):
What if they don't like my gift?
What if I didn't do enough?
What if the money is uneven?
Susie really wanted this toy andif I don't find it, she's going
to be disappointed for the wholerest of her life.
Like fear based thoughts, right?
Parties.
I mentioned the one we used tohost.
It was a lot of fun.
Yes.
But it consumed my time fromThanksgiving, and even before,
(11:57):
remember I mentioned the customdesigned printed invitation sent
out around Thanksgiving.
Yes.
Well, I had to create thosebefore Thanksgiving.
At one point, I realized that Iwas having to cram in all of the
traditions I wanted toparticipate in with my kids into
roughly a week or two.
So this really comes down tovalues.
Like what's important.
(12:18):
Sometimes something that's funand kind of important gets
trumped by the stuff that isREALLY important.
So prioritizing your values,knowing what your values are
really helps here.
Going to parties, even thoughyou don't have the bandwidth for
all the parties is anotherthing.
That's also fear-based.
Bob will be upset if I go toGladys his party and not his, I
(12:39):
love making up these names.
I can't not show up for the workparty.
I'll look like I'm not a teamplayer.
Okay, so maybe Bob will beupset.
But I can almost certainlypromise you he'll get over it.
And it is possible to have aconversation with Bob about how
sorry you are, that you can'tattend and hope that you can
next year, this one's aboutboundaries, and also going back
(13:01):
to what's really important toyou.
Sometimes we take on too much toavoid conflict or making people
feel bad too.
And sometimes we stay busy orget too busy because it's just
what we identify with this timeof year.
It's just what we do, right.
We don't really take the time tolook at the things we're putting
on our plate to see if they'rereally important.
(13:24):
If they're really things thathave to get done, or if we can
back off.
Some people also experiencegrief or sadness at this time of
the year.
And staying busy helps keep themdistracted.
So there are a couple of themeshere.
First, a lot of our busy-nessstems from avoidance of
something else, like emotionsthat are uncomfortable.
(13:45):
You know, saying no to auntSally's invitation could upset
someone and then you have todeal with the fallout of that.
When in reality, we all needboundaries.
And part of being emotionallygrown up is being able to
communicate with aunt Sally.
And being able to sit with thediscomfort of where that ends
up.
Not an easy thing.
(14:05):
Boundaries are not easy, butthey'll change your life.
I promise.
The second part of this, or thesecond kind of theme here is,
and these two things worktogether, but a lot of times we
forget what's truly important tous.
So in some of these examples Ishared earlier, like let's take
decorating.
For example, if I'm stressingabout getting my house
impeccably decorated, There aretwo possibilities.
(14:28):
Well, there are more than two,but two of them are, a) I'm
worried that, uh, someone comesto my house and anything looks
less than perfect.
I'm worried about what they'llthink or the guests at my party
will like scoff at my decor.
Or it won't look good enough.
It won't be fancy enough,whatever.
Option two is that I just reallyenjoy decorating and how it
(14:50):
looks that makes me happy to seemy house decorated.
But, if this is coming at theexpense of peace and calm, and
it's creating stress around toomany things to do at a certain
point, you really have to lookat our values and prioritize,
like what really is important?
What, what do we need toprioritize?
What needs to come first?
(15:11):
So the holiday season is reallya combination of these things.
Prioritization of what's mostimportant and non- avoidance of
discomfort.
So we have to be able to getreally intentional about this.
And in order to get intentional,we need to practice awareness.
And in order to practiceawareness, we have to slow down.
(15:33):
We have to get still and quiet.
And it's only here where we canstart to notice what we're
thinking or feeling and whatwe're doing.
This is hard any time of yearwhen we're not practiced in it.
And yes, it takes a lot ofpractice.
It it takes making a commitmentto slowing down and to getting
quiet.
There's so much beauty this timeof the year friends.
(15:55):
If you live in a snowy climate,the beauty of the falling snow
flakes against a starry sky.
Or the glow of the morning sunthrough snow coated trees.
The chill of crisp December air,the sparkle of winter sky.
The scent of pine cones,simmering cider the twinkle of
the Christmas tree.
Sounds of Christmas carols.
(16:17):
The closeness of family watchingholiday movies together.
Glowing candles, the excitementin the air as you shop for your
gifts.
And when we don't slow down, wedon't even notice it.
So if you celebrate Christmas,it comes and goes so fast when
we don't slow down.
The family gatherings, openingof presents flies by, and then
(16:39):
the we're just left in this massof wrapping paper and kind of
like, whoa, what happened here?
And then we feel totally bloatedand crappy cause we ate too
much.
Okay, so I'm going to get alittle Christmas story-y here.
So if you're not familiar withthis like the Christmas story,
that's okay, but I'm going totell you a little bit about it.
(17:01):
Cause I think it's really it's,it's just, it's such a great
lesson or such a great parallel.
Um, you know, when when theangel came and told Mary
basically that she was gonna tobear God's son Jesus, I mean,
can you imagine that, she wasn'teven married yet.
That was no-no that was no, noback then.
(17:21):
So first of all, she's like, howam I?
She didn't know what I mean.
That was probably pretty scary.
But she totally like, she letgo.
She surrendered.
She trusted.
And Mary and Joseph didn'treally have anything.
They didn't have money.
They weren't, you know, theyreally had to turn everything
over to trusting.
(17:43):
They had to slow down.
They had to really listen forsigns of how to handle this,
what to do.
They were really focused on whatwas important.
And I think there's so much thatwe can learn from the season of
advent where it's about waiting.
It's about really tuning intowhat's bare bones important and
(18:06):
slowing down and waiting forthis, you know, big celebration
of If you, if you're Christianthe birth of Jesus, if you're
not Christian, let's just saylike family celebrations or
whatever, like slowing down andreally waiting to partake in
these beautiful traditions thistime of the year.
And this can apply it to anytime of the year as well.
(18:29):
It's just like that saying stopand smell the roses.
If we don't slow down and stop,like, we don't even notice
they're there.
And there's so much that we getfrom noticing from being still
and really noticing what ispresent for us.
You know, what's, what'shappening around us.
(18:50):
What's happening with the peoplewe care about.
Another thing that slowing downdoes is...
Have you ever thought toyourself, I feel stuck.
I feel stuck?
I feel like I'm going throughthe motions.
Slow down.
And connect with what'simportant.
That's how we find meaning inlife.
(19:11):
And if we're just going crazyand just checking boxes off the
to-do list all day, and we'renot really taking a moment to
really check in with ourselves.
We're not going to be able toconnect to what's truly
important to us.
I've talked about values alittle bit on the podcast.
I probably should do another,like a little more in depth
episode about it, but values areso important in just helping us
(19:35):
make choices in just moment tomoment choices about how we show
up.
as Well as like bigger, youknow, setting goals and finding
direction in life.
But.
It's really worth.
I'm a huge advocate for doingthe values, exercise, where you
Google list of values.
(19:55):
You'll get a list of a lot ofwords.
There are some out there thatare shorter lists, but I like
the ones that are a littlelonger.
And you go through that list.
And anything that's really likejumps out at you about like, you
know, what qualities areimportant to you in how you show
up, like what guides you increating the life you want to
(20:16):
live?
What if somebody was giving aspeech about you?
Like, what would you be reallyproud that they noticed about
you?
It's the kind of, the kind ofthings that you would strive for
or qualities you'd want topossess, even if no one was
watching you.
And slowing down helps younotice, like where am I out of
alignment with that stuff?
What, where am I out ofalignment with what's important.
(20:37):
And how can I line up with someof those things?
How can I connect with some ofthose things a little more?
And that's just where we find somuch meaning in life.
Without doing that, yeah, wejust go through the motions.
And it doesn't feel fulfillingbecause we're doing things that
aren't important.
So think about that.
You gotta slow down.
(20:58):
You gotta get quiet.
You gotta get still to be ableto notice that stuff.
You know, I mentioned beforeawareness.
Slowing down...
Is where we find awareness.
And what do I always say?
Awareness is half the battle.
Of, you know, just growing andlearning and in this life.
(21:20):
One more thing I wanted to justtouch on is the waiting aspect
of things.
So I'm somebody who gets excitedif someone tells me they've got
me a gift, for example.
I'm like, I got excited.
Like I want to know what it is.
Like I don't want to wait.
I don't want to, I want to knowwhat it is.
I don't really want to know whatit is, but there's this part of
(21:41):
me that just so antsy to know,and then I'm like, oh, I can't
wait till that day so I can findout what it is.
So I noticed this though..
My partner, he does this everyyear...
He he's tries to suck me intothis.
He knows that I bite and thisyear I didn't...
it was amazing.
But he knows.
I get really frustrated if hepokes at me with like, oh, I bet
(22:03):
you can't guess what yourpresident is.
And.
and it does, it gets me, ithooks me every time and I get so
frustrated.
Not,, not because I don't knowwhat it is, but more at the
poking.
And then the curiosity just getsme.
But, This year I kind of, I saidto him, I don't want to know.
So don't even, I don't even careif you do that.
(22:24):
I don't want to know.
So why would you do that?
So.
But I did notice myself saying.
Oh, I can't wait until...
to myself, not to him, but Ican't wait until it's only a few
more days and I'll be able tofind out what it is.
And it's this huge box.
Like he wrapped it and put it bythe tree.
It's huge.
It's a huge box.
So of course my curiosity isthere.
(22:45):
Right?
But instead of like, I'mnoticing, oh, it's only a few
more days.
I can't wait.
Just let these days go by.
And then I caught myself andwent, ah, that's not really
waiting.
Is it?
That's not really waiting.
So the way I want to pull allthis together.
Is, and this, you can apply thisto anything that you're sort of,
(23:06):
you know, waiting for in life.
Is, you know, that day's gonnacome.
But how can you find meaning andjoy in the now?
In this day, in this day?
Part of the fun is the waiting.
And if we can just slow down andget quiet.
(23:26):
And appreciate what's here inthe now.
The other stuff will come.
So that's what I have to offeryou today, friends.
I wish I would have gotten thisout sooner for you, but you can,
you can hold this message andpractice it next year.
Or what I would really love youto do is in the couple of days
(23:49):
before Christmas, and in the, inthe week, before new years, How
can you just really slow downfrom day to day and notice
what's present in you and what'spresent around you.
Now.
While you wait for this new yearto, to begin.
(24:11):
I'd love to hear how it goes.
Send me an email.
Let me know.
Um, a couple of things before Igo: first of all, if you don't
follow me on social media,please go do that.
I'm kortneyrivardlifecoach onboth, both Facebook and
Instagram.
I love showing up mostly onInstagram.
I'm mostly over there, butthings do cop.
(24:33):
You know, do share over toFacebook as well, but I love
hanging out on Instagram and Iwould love to have some more
interaction with people andjust, you know, have fun over
there.
I think it's a neat place to tohang out and sort of build
community.
So come visit me over there andsay, hi.
And then the other thing is...
if you're enjoying the show, dome a favor and please go leave a
(24:57):
rating and a review for me.
It's really the best way to letother people find, there's help
other people find the show.
And I know some people have saidit's really has been enjoyable
for them to listen to, so, youknow, who knows how you might be
helping someone.
If you share it.
And one more thing I have tojust share is that the podcast
(25:20):
host that I use sends out everyyear, like the stats for the
year.
And I was pretty proud because Iam in the top 50% of all the
podcasts in terms of downloadsand listeners of all the
podcasts, this company hosts.
Top 50%.
I thought that was pretty forsmall little old me...
I thought that was pretty cool.
(25:41):
And I'm really proud of that.
So thank you for being one ofthose listeners.
So much appreciate you.
If you ever have any episodeideas or something you want to
hear more about, please reachout.
I love when people do that.
So, with that friends, have avery Merry Christmas and I will
see you next time.
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