February 13, 2025 • 25 mins
If you’ve ever felt a feeling of regret about something (haven’t we all?), this is the episode for you. In this episode, I’m talking about my 3 favorite questions to turn regret into a tool for growth and moving forward.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- Why we often get stuck in regret and why it’s not helpful
- My favorite 3 questions for reframing regret into a tool for growth and forward motions
- How to make peace with your past
Enjoying the show? I always appreciate it when my listeners leave a rating and review! You can do that on your favorite streaming platform, or to make it easy, do it on Apple podcasts HERE.
Resources:
You can download my free "Reframing Regret" worksheet HERE!
Want more?
For more information about the podcast, visit www.realbraveunstoppable.com. To learn more about your host, Kortney Rivard, visit www.kortneyrivard.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone (00:00):
Hey there, and welcome back to Real
(00:01):
Brave and Unstoppable.
I'm Courtney, and today we'retalking about something I know
we have all dealt with at somepoint, regret.
So maybe it is that thing youwish you would have said, or the
thing you wish you hadn't said.
Maybe you made a decision thatyou wish you wouldn't have made.
And now you're catching yourselfplaying the what if game in your
(00:25):
head.
What if I would have did thisinstead?
What if I would have, or Ishould have.
I should have known this.
I should have known that.
I should have done thisdifferent.
Sound familiar?
Yeah, well, here's the thing.
Having regret like that istotally normal We all experience
it.
But staying stuck in regret likereally that's let's be honest
(00:47):
that's not helping anyone,right?
Regret can actually hold us backfrom growth and it keeps us in
negative thought loops andreally it kind of just keeps us
feeling like crap.
So today I want to share a supersimple but powerful way to move
through regret and actually useit as a tool for growth.
(01:08):
What?
Yes, growth.
of spiraling in guilt orfrustration, I'm going to walk
you through my three favoritequestions that will help you
reframe any regret and come outstronger on the other side.
It's a game changer.
By the way, this is a big partof the mind pillar of my three
(01:28):
part approach to wellness, body,mind, spirit, because the way we
think about and process our pastdirectly impacts how we move
forward in life.
So grab your coffee, your tea,get comfy, and let's talk about
how to stop letting regret weighyou down.
You ready?
All right, let's go.
Before we dive into how toactually move through those
(01:50):
feelings of regret, let's talkabout what it really is and why
it is so hard to let go ofsometimes.
Regret is basically that feelingof wishing you had done
something differently.
It's our brain looking back andsaying, Ugh, I should have
handled that better.
I should have made a differentchoice.
I should have spoken up.
(02:11):
I should have walked awaysooner.
And so on and so on.
It's so easy to get caught up inthat loop, like just replaying
past situations over and over.
I was just talking to someoneabout this the other day I was
coaching her and she was like,why, why do I always like replay
this over and over in my head?
It's almost like we think we canrewrite history if we analyze
(02:33):
it, enough.
Have you ever done that?
I mean, I totally have done thata lot of times too, and it's
really not helpful at all.
But here's the thing.
The problem is not actually Thefeeling of regret.
It's staying stuck in it.
That is, that's the problem witha lot of emotions.
(02:56):
Emotions themselves are, orfeelings themselves are not
things to be fixed.
They're just, they just are.
They're neutral.
They're energy.
They need us to let them dotheir thing.
It's the getting stuck.
And why do we get stuck?
There are a few reasons forthat.
The first thing is, our brainsjust grapple with uncertainty.
(03:18):
Like, our brains hate it.
Regret makes us look atsomething and feel like we
should have known better.
Our brains hate that, but thething is like we didn't know
better and we, there's no way wecould have known better because
we only had the information thatwas available to us at the time.
We made the best choice that wecould at the time with what we
(03:41):
knew.
Hindsight is always 20, 20,right?
We can never know now.
I don't know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
So if I make a decision aboutsomething tomorrow, I'm only
able to make the decision basedon what I know right now But our
brains do not like that.
When we get to the tomorrow andwe realize that we made a
(04:04):
decision we don't like it reallywants to be able to say this is
why we screwed up.
So we know what to do movingforward The second way we get
stuck is that we think beatingup ourselves for it.
will fix it.
Sometimes we hold on to regretbecause we think it will somehow
(04:26):
make up for what happened.
But, like, as you can imagine,guilt doesn't really undo the
past.
It just weighs us down, like,right now.
When I ask clients if there's areason they're afraid to let go
of some of these thoughts about,I wish I would have done this,
or I should have done thisdifferently, like, what if you
didn't have those thoughts?,nine times out of 10, they tell
(04:49):
me that if they don't thinkthat, if they're not hard on
themselves about it, then theywon't actually get better or
they won't fix it in the future.
So like, it's this way ofmotivating themselves from this
place of fear.
It's not super effective.
And research has actually shownthis.
I probably should have looked upthe actual studies and stuff.
(05:10):
I did not, but research hasshown this, just trust me.
It's like the difference though,between one of those hard ass
really critical coaches, like ifyou played sports growing up,
you know that, you know, theone.
And then like a helpful,encouraging mentor, like the
ones that yell all the time,they just like, I mean, maybe
they are motivating in some way,but you know, I'm not feeling
(05:34):
great.
But then the the encouragingones like they'll point out like
what you're doing well, also.
They'll they'll give youfeedback on what you're doing
wrong and they might getfrustrated with you, but they're
also gonna share with you what'sgoing well and what you're
doing, right?
Cuz that's the way to helpsomeone grow.
Because then they know whatthey're doing right, they can
(05:55):
build.On it, and the things thatthey're not doing as well, they
can work on improving it.
It's that idea of support that Ithink is so powerful.
The third way we get stuck isthat we tie regret to our
identity.
So instead of seeing somethingas a lesson, we make it
personal.
(06:15):
So, like, I messed up, so thatmeans I'm a failure.
Nope.
A mistake is just something youdid.
It's not who you are.
So let's talk about how thisactually impacts us if we don't
let the regret go.
When we hold on to regret, itdoesn't just stay in our heads.
(06:36):
It affects us.
It's all of us, our whole being,those three pillars.
So in our mind, regret keeps usstuck in a negative thought
loop.
And that leads to stress andanxiety and self doubt.
Remember our thoughts create ourfeelings.
So this is that little voicethat whispers, you screwed up.
You're not good enough.
(06:56):
What if you do it again?
But the truth really is thatregret does not predict your
future unless you let it predictyour future.
So like I said before, ourthoughts create feelings and
feelings can drive action.
So if we're stuck in negativethinking about how much we suck,
we're gonna feel crappy andgreat things don't usually come
(07:18):
from feeling crappy.
Think about it.
In our body, regret canliterally manifest in physical
ways.
Stress from regret can impactyour sleep, your energy levels,
it can even create tension inour muscles.
If you've ever felt that pit inyour stomach when you dwell on
(07:38):
something you wish you couldchange, that's your body
responding to your thoughts.
Finding ways to move throughfeelings of regret effectively
is really taking care of yourphysical health too.
And then that third pillar ofspirit, which I talked about
last time on the podcast, regretcan really disconnect us from
who we truly are and the life wewere really put on this planet
(08:01):
to live, our purpose.
It can make us feel stuck in thepast instead of moving forward
with confidence and really likealiveness.
And it can also lead to shame,which really shuts us down
instead of helping us grow.
Which is what we, most of usreally ultimately want.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-1 (08:19):
So, if regret is taking up mental,
physical, and emotional space,what can we do about it?
That's where my simple threequestion framework comes in.
I love this so much, you guys.
And trust me, it changeseverything.
So let's get into it.
This three question frameworkis, like I said, it's simple,
(08:42):
but it's powerful because ithelps you shift from rumination,
like being stuck in thosethoughts, to reflection.
Instead of spinning in circlesover what you wish had happened,
you can use regret as almostlike a stepping stone to learn
and grow and make differentchoices next time.
So here's how it works.
(09:03):
The next time you catch yourselfstuck in regret or really
ruminating on what you wish youwould have done different, and
you can't get that out of yourhead, you keep going back to it
and replaying the stuff in yourhead over and over again, just
pause and take a breath, and askyourself these three questions:
the first question is, whatworked?
(09:23):
This one might feel a littlecounterintuitive because when we
think about regret we tend tofocus on everything we did
wrong.
But even in a situation that youregret or wish you would have
done differently there'ssomething that went right?
I promise you there's something.
I mean We've all had those timeswhere we feel like everything
just blew up and went wrong andit was a disaster.
(09:45):
But generally that's not thecase humans tend to look at
things in very all or nothingterms.
It's just kind of You know, theway we're wired.
So this is encouraging you toget a little, little more, uh,
gray area about it.
So maybe you didn't handle aconversation the way you wanted
to, for example, but at leastyou were honest.
(10:08):
Or maybe you stayed in arelationship too long, but you
learned about what you don'twant next time.
And maybe you regret how youtreated your body in the past.
But guess what?
You're here.
You're aware of it now, and thatmeans that you are already ahead
of where you were before.
So, start with that.
Identify one thing that worked,even if it's really small.
(10:31):
Because finding anythingpositive in the situation
reminds you that you're notpowerless, and it also starts to
train your brain to look at whatwent right, or what's good, or
what's positive first.
Because we don't typicallyoperate that way.
And it's really helpful inworking with like a growth
mindset to be and to do that, tothink that way.
(10:55):
So the second question is, whatdidn't work?
So this is kind of what we thinkof as maybe the obvious question
here.
But now we've acknowledged whatworked, but, and this is where
we get honest.
But listen, I need you to dothis without judgment.
I'm to repeat that I need you todo this without judgment.
(11:19):
This isn't about beatingyourself up.
It's about recognizing wherethings went sideways so you can
do better next time.
You're gonna learn from it.
So what didn't work?
Did you ignore your gut feeling?
Did fear stop you from speakingup?
Did you let perfectionism keepyou from taking action?
(11:42):
Maybe you spoke up too much.
This is just about gatheringinformation.
Okay, you're not bad for makingmistakes.
You're totally human.
Congratulations.
And when, once you see whatdidn't work, like that's when
you can do something about it.
So the third question is whatcan I do differently next time?
(12:06):
This is the most important stepbecause this shifts you from
that stuck mode to solutionmode.
So based on what you justrealized with those, those other
two questions, those first twoquestions, what will you do
differently moving forward?
Okay, so maybe you'll setboundaries sooner.
Maybe you'll trust yourselfmore.
(12:27):
Maybe you'll take action beforefear talks you out of it.
Or maybe you'll take a pausebefore reacting to something
someone said.
And this step is reallyempowering because it turns
regret into a tool for changeinstead of something that just
weighs you down.
And the best part is that youdon't have to wait for some big
(12:48):
old huge situation to practicethis.
You can use these threequestions for any regret, big or
small.
Over time, this is going torewire your mindset to be more
forward focused.
Instead of obsessed with thepast and I actually encourage
you to do that like practicewith it take something small You
(13:10):
know like last week on Tuesday,I was exhausted all day I wish I
would have gone to bed sooner.
That's actually a realsituation, by the way.
Sometimes I have a hard timeputting down my New York Times,
uh, crossword app at night.
Do as I say, not as I do, right?
(13:32):
But, you know, I might look atthat and say, what worked?
I have a great little time withmy daughter every night.
We do all the games.
We do the, um, game called, uh,what's it called?
Strands.
It's a new one.
Connections.
We do wordle, we do the spellingbee, and then usually she goes
to bed either part way throughthe spelling bee or after it.
(13:52):
And then I do the crossword, butI get, I can get kind of sucked
in.
I have a hard time putting itdown.
So, you know, that's somethinggood about it.
What worked is I had that timewith her.
I love that time What didn'twork?
Well, like, you know I didn'thave anything in place to really
remind me why it's important togo to bed at the time I want to
(14:14):
go to bed What can I dodifferently next time?
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-4 (14:18):
Well, you know, maybe I need to set an
alarm and have a message,associate a message with it, you
know, on the iPhone, probably onthe Android too, I don't, I
don't know, but you can name thealarm something.
So when it pops up, it'll giveyou the message that you name
it.
Um, so maybe I do that and Isay, well, it's important for
you to go to bed becausetomorrow, otherwise you're going
(14:41):
to be exhausted and you're goingto be mad at yourself for not
going to bed.
And you won't be able to enjoythe, the things you want to
enjoy.
You'll have like not very muchenergy and you know, go make
some notes about why it's reallyimportant to you to, to do the
thing.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-1 (14:59):
But you get the idea, like I'm, I'm
really looking at what wentright, what didn't go right and
then what might I want to do tobe able to do this in a way that
works better for me next time.
So, let's recap real quick Whenyou find yourself stuck in
regret, you're going to pauseand you're going to ask
yourself, What worked?
(15:21):
Find something positive.
You can use this and then nexttime you can build on it.
And then two, what didn't work?
Without judgment.
You're just observing.
Number three, what can I dodifferently next time?
You're turning this into alesson, not a life sentence,
okay?
Regret doesn't have to be thisheavy thing and that drags you
(15:43):
down It can actually be one ofyour greatest teachers if you
let it.
And actually, I find that inlife like some of the hardest
times of my life I wouldn'twanna really experience them
again, but yet they were like mygreatest teachers.
There are some people in my lifethat are, have been very
difficult for me, and they're mygreatest teachers, some of my
greatest teachers.
(16:04):
So let's take a deep breath, letgo of the past and then decide
what you wanna do next.
now you have this simplepowerful tool to move through
regret instead of getting stuckin it, but I also know this to
be true (16:19):
Sometimes even when we've asked the questions,
Reflected and made a plan to dobetter, there's either still a
part of us that holds on to thatregret, or maybe like we just
don't quite get it right nexttime either, and then we're back
in the same place.
But as far as a part of us stillholding on to regret, that's
because regret isn't just aboutwishing we've done something
(16:42):
differently.
It's about almost like grievingthe version of ourselves that
didn't know what we know now.
You know, we only know what weknow, duh, but we can't ever
know all the information thatwill be available to us when the
decision plays out.
(17:03):
If that makes sense when we knowwhen we realize it was a good or
bad decision.
But we don't have theinformation of the future So
let's talk about how to reallymake peace with the past and
move forward in a way that feelslight instead of heavy.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-3 (17:18):
First of all, recognize you did the
best you could.
One of the biggest reasons thatwe hold on to regret is because
we believe we should have knownbetter.
But the truth?
You didn't know better.
You made the best decision youcould with the knowledge,
experience, and emotionalcapacity that you had at the
(17:39):
time.
In hindsight, like I saidbefore, it's always 20/20.
You're looking at the past withthe wisdom of today.
And of course, things seemclearer now.
But back then, like you justdidn't have that clarity yet.
That's okay.
It's normal.
So instead of blaming yourselffor what you didn't know, like,
(18:01):
just take a minute andacknowledge how far you've come.
Like, you know somethingdifferent now.
The fact that you even feelregret means that you've grown.
The second thing is self-forgiveness.
This is the key to letting go.
If you've been holding on toregret for a long time, ask
yourself, like, what would itfeel like to just let it go?
(18:25):
Kind of like you're letting goof a balloon.
I know we don't do that anymorebecause it's not environmentally
friendly, but if it were,imagine you're just letting go
of a balloon, just releasing it,just floating away.
And it's not because you'reignoring what happened.
It's not because you'repretending it didn't matter.
(18:45):
It's because you deserve to moveforward.
Regret is just your brain's wayof saying, Hey, I care about
this.
I want to do better.
But if you hold on for too long,it just stops being helpful, and
it really starts being harmful.
And we don't want that.
So here's something I want youto try.
Close your eyes for a second,and take a deep breath.
(19:08):
If you're driving, don't closeyour eyes.
Hopefully it goes withoutsaying.
And repeat after me.
I did the best I could with whatI knew at the time, I released
myself from the weight of thisregret and you might even
imagine a weight being liftedoff of you and I will take what
(19:33):
I've learned and move forwardfrom this with wisdom and grace.
One thing people don't thinkabout is that self forgiveness
is a choice.
Self compassion is a choice.
And when you give yourselfpermission to let go, you create
space for something new.
You create space for growth, forhealing, for peace.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-6 (19:57):
The third thing is living in the
present and not the past.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-3 (20:01):
At the end of the day, regret tries
to keep us trapped in the past.
But that's not where your poweris.
There's nothing you can do aboutthe past.
It's totally out of yourcontrol.
It's done.
But your power is here right nowin the present because it's here
that you can actually controlsomething.
(20:22):
You can actually do something.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-7 (20:25):
So right now, today, you have the
opportunity to make new choicesto take what you've learned and
to apply it.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-8 (20:34):
You have the choice to live in a way
that aligns with who you arenow, not who you used to be.
So ask yourself what you want tocreate in your life moving
forward.
What's something small that youcan do to step towards that
today?
ATR2100x-USB Microphone- (20:49):
That's where your focus should be.
Not in the rearview mirror.
That's not where you're going.
What's that quote?
Like, don't look back.
That's not where you're going.
Look ahead.
You gotta look ahead to be ableto stay on the road.
Right?
So, look where you're going.
See where you want to go?
Zero in on that.
Move towards that.
(21:11):
Before we go, I have a challengefor you.
Something that you can do toapply what we've talked about
today.
Because I don't want you to justlisten to this episode.
I want you to do something withit.
So here's your challenge.
Number one, think of a regretyou've been holding on to.
It doesn't need to be some giantthing that you regret.
(21:33):
It can be something small.
In fact, it's probably better tostart with something small.
It might be easier to work withfor now.
Second, you're going to write itdown and you're going to walk
through the three questionframework I talked about today.
First, what worked?
Second, what didn't work?
Third, what can I do differentlynext time?
(21:54):
Now take a deep breath and letit go.
Imagine letting it go.
And then.
Think about what's one smallstep you can do today to move
forward.
Maybe it's making a differentchoice.
Maybe it's forgiving yourself.
Maybe it's offering some selfcompassion.
(22:15):
Maybe it's simply deciding tostop replaying the past.
Redirect that energy somewhereelse.
And if you're feeling bold orinspired, send me a message or
tag me on Instagram and let meknow what you're releasing
today.
I would absolutely love to cheeryou on.
And also something really cool Icreated just for you as a thank
(22:37):
you for listening to thisepisode.
Thank you for being in my lifeand doing this work on yourself.
I've created a little worksheetthat you can use to go through
this three question frameworkand you can grab it for free at
the link in the show notes So goahead and click on that.
You just have to put your nameand email address in so I know
(22:59):
where to send it and It'll makeit really easy for you to do
this challenge today Rememberyou are not your past mistakes.
Today You are the person who haslearned from them.
And that's my friend.
That is what makes youunstoppable! All right, my
friend, that is it for today.
(23:20):
If this episode resonated withyou, I would love to hear your
thoughts.
DM me, send me an email or sharethis with someone who really
might need to hear it.
I always love it when people goleave a rating and a review on
your favorite streamingplatform.
It helps people find the show,which is what we want.
And if you're ready to startmaking real lasting changes in
your life, you know where tofind me, please reach out.
(23:44):
All right, until next time, takecare and remember regret does
not define you.
Your next choice does.
Hey there, and welcome back to Real
(00:01):
Brave and Unstoppable.
I'm Courtney, and today we'retalking about something I know
we have all dealt with at somepoint, regret.
So maybe it is that thing youwish you would have said, or the
thing you wish you hadn't said.
Maybe you made a decision thatyou wish you wouldn't have made.
And now you're catching yourselfplaying the what if game in your
(00:25):
head.
What if I would have did thisinstead?
What if I would have, or Ishould have.
I should have known this.
I should have known that.
I should have done thisdifferent.
Sound familiar?
Yeah, well, here's the thing.
Having regret like that istotally normal We all experience
it.
But staying stuck in regret likereally that's let's be honest
(00:47):
that's not helping anyone,right?
Regret can actually hold us backfrom growth and it keeps us in
negative thought loops andreally it kind of just keeps us
feeling like crap.
So today I want to share a supersimple but powerful way to move
through regret and actually useit as a tool for growth.
(01:08):
What?
Yes, growth.
of spiraling in guilt orfrustration, I'm going to walk
you through my three favoritequestions that will help you
reframe any regret and come outstronger on the other side.
It's a game changer.
By the way, this is a big partof the mind pillar of my three
(01:28):
part approach to wellness, body,mind, spirit, because the way we
think about and process our pastdirectly impacts how we move
forward in life.
So grab your coffee, your tea,get comfy, and let's talk about
how to stop letting regret weighyou down.
You ready?
All right, let's go.
Before we dive into how toactually move through those
(01:50):
feelings of regret, let's talkabout what it really is and why
it is so hard to let go ofsometimes.
Regret is basically that feelingof wishing you had done
something differently.
It's our brain looking back andsaying, Ugh, I should have
handled that better.
I should have made a differentchoice.
I should have spoken up.
(02:11):
I should have walked awaysooner.
And so on and so on.
It's so easy to get caught up inthat loop, like just replaying
past situations over and over.
I was just talking to someoneabout this the other day I was
coaching her and she was like,why, why do I always like replay
this over and over in my head?
It's almost like we think we canrewrite history if we analyze
(02:33):
it, enough.
Have you ever done that?
I mean, I totally have done thata lot of times too, and it's
really not helpful at all.
But here's the thing.
The problem is not actually Thefeeling of regret.
It's staying stuck in it.
That is, that's the problem witha lot of emotions.
(02:56):
Emotions themselves are, orfeelings themselves are not
things to be fixed.
They're just, they just are.
They're neutral.
They're energy.
They need us to let them dotheir thing.
It's the getting stuck.
And why do we get stuck?
There are a few reasons forthat.
The first thing is, our brainsjust grapple with uncertainty.
(03:18):
Like, our brains hate it.
Regret makes us look atsomething and feel like we
should have known better.
Our brains hate that, but thething is like we didn't know
better and we, there's no way wecould have known better because
we only had the information thatwas available to us at the time.
We made the best choice that wecould at the time with what we
(03:41):
knew.
Hindsight is always 20, 20,right?
We can never know now.
I don't know what's going tohappen tomorrow.
So if I make a decision aboutsomething tomorrow, I'm only
able to make the decision basedon what I know right now But our
brains do not like that.
When we get to the tomorrow andwe realize that we made a
(04:04):
decision we don't like it reallywants to be able to say this is
why we screwed up.
So we know what to do movingforward The second way we get
stuck is that we think beatingup ourselves for it.
will fix it.
Sometimes we hold on to regretbecause we think it will somehow
(04:26):
make up for what happened.
But, like, as you can imagine,guilt doesn't really undo the
past.
It just weighs us down, like,right now.
When I ask clients if there's areason they're afraid to let go
of some of these thoughts about,I wish I would have done this,
or I should have done thisdifferently, like, what if you
didn't have those thoughts?,nine times out of 10, they tell
(04:49):
me that if they don't thinkthat, if they're not hard on
themselves about it, then theywon't actually get better or
they won't fix it in the future.
So like, it's this way ofmotivating themselves from this
place of fear.
It's not super effective.
And research has actually shownthis.
I probably should have looked upthe actual studies and stuff.
(05:10):
I did not, but research hasshown this, just trust me.
It's like the difference though,between one of those hard ass
really critical coaches, like ifyou played sports growing up,
you know that, you know, theone.
And then like a helpful,encouraging mentor, like the
ones that yell all the time,they just like, I mean, maybe
they are motivating in some way,but you know, I'm not feeling
(05:34):
great.
But then the the encouragingones like they'll point out like
what you're doing well, also.
They'll they'll give youfeedback on what you're doing
wrong and they might getfrustrated with you, but they're
also gonna share with you what'sgoing well and what you're
doing, right?
Cuz that's the way to helpsomeone grow.
Because then they know whatthey're doing right, they can
(05:55):
build.On it, and the things thatthey're not doing as well, they
can work on improving it.
It's that idea of support that Ithink is so powerful.
The third way we get stuck isthat we tie regret to our
identity.
So instead of seeing somethingas a lesson, we make it
personal.
(06:15):
So, like, I messed up, so thatmeans I'm a failure.
Nope.
A mistake is just something youdid.
It's not who you are.
So let's talk about how thisactually impacts us if we don't
let the regret go.
When we hold on to regret, itdoesn't just stay in our heads.
(06:36):
It affects us.
It's all of us, our whole being,those three pillars.
So in our mind, regret keeps usstuck in a negative thought
loop.
And that leads to stress andanxiety and self doubt.
Remember our thoughts create ourfeelings.
So this is that little voicethat whispers, you screwed up.
You're not good enough.
(06:56):
What if you do it again?
But the truth really is thatregret does not predict your
future unless you let it predictyour future.
So like I said before, ourthoughts create feelings and
feelings can drive action.
So if we're stuck in negativethinking about how much we suck,
we're gonna feel crappy andgreat things don't usually come
(07:18):
from feeling crappy.
Think about it.
In our body, regret canliterally manifest in physical
ways.
Stress from regret can impactyour sleep, your energy levels,
it can even create tension inour muscles.
If you've ever felt that pit inyour stomach when you dwell on
(07:38):
something you wish you couldchange, that's your body
responding to your thoughts.
Finding ways to move throughfeelings of regret effectively
is really taking care of yourphysical health too.
And then that third pillar ofspirit, which I talked about
last time on the podcast, regretcan really disconnect us from
who we truly are and the life wewere really put on this planet
(08:01):
to live, our purpose.
It can make us feel stuck in thepast instead of moving forward
with confidence and really likealiveness.
And it can also lead to shame,which really shuts us down
instead of helping us grow.
Which is what we, most of usreally ultimately want.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-1 (08:19):
So, if regret is taking up mental,
physical, and emotional space,what can we do about it?
That's where my simple threequestion framework comes in.
I love this so much, you guys.
And trust me, it changeseverything.
So let's get into it.
This three question frameworkis, like I said, it's simple,
(08:42):
but it's powerful because ithelps you shift from rumination,
like being stuck in thosethoughts, to reflection.
Instead of spinning in circlesover what you wish had happened,
you can use regret as almostlike a stepping stone to learn
and grow and make differentchoices next time.
So here's how it works.
(09:03):
The next time you catch yourselfstuck in regret or really
ruminating on what you wish youwould have done different, and
you can't get that out of yourhead, you keep going back to it
and replaying the stuff in yourhead over and over again, just
pause and take a breath, and askyourself these three questions:
the first question is, whatworked?
(09:23):
This one might feel a littlecounterintuitive because when we
think about regret we tend tofocus on everything we did
wrong.
But even in a situation that youregret or wish you would have
done differently there'ssomething that went right?
I promise you there's something.
I mean We've all had those timeswhere we feel like everything
just blew up and went wrong andit was a disaster.
(09:45):
But generally that's not thecase humans tend to look at
things in very all or nothingterms.
It's just kind of You know, theway we're wired.
So this is encouraging you toget a little, little more, uh,
gray area about it.
So maybe you didn't handle aconversation the way you wanted
to, for example, but at leastyou were honest.
(10:08):
Or maybe you stayed in arelationship too long, but you
learned about what you don'twant next time.
And maybe you regret how youtreated your body in the past.
But guess what?
You're here.
You're aware of it now, and thatmeans that you are already ahead
of where you were before.
So, start with that.
Identify one thing that worked,even if it's really small.
(10:31):
Because finding anythingpositive in the situation
reminds you that you're notpowerless, and it also starts to
train your brain to look at whatwent right, or what's good, or
what's positive first.
Because we don't typicallyoperate that way.
And it's really helpful inworking with like a growth
mindset to be and to do that, tothink that way.
(10:55):
So the second question is, whatdidn't work?
So this is kind of what we thinkof as maybe the obvious question
here.
But now we've acknowledged whatworked, but, and this is where
we get honest.
But listen, I need you to dothis without judgment.
I'm to repeat that I need you todo this without judgment.
(11:19):
This isn't about beatingyourself up.
It's about recognizing wherethings went sideways so you can
do better next time.
You're gonna learn from it.
So what didn't work?
Did you ignore your gut feeling?
Did fear stop you from speakingup?
Did you let perfectionism keepyou from taking action?
(11:42):
Maybe you spoke up too much.
This is just about gatheringinformation.
Okay, you're not bad for makingmistakes.
You're totally human.
Congratulations.
And when, once you see whatdidn't work, like that's when
you can do something about it.
So the third question is whatcan I do differently next time?
(12:06):
This is the most important stepbecause this shifts you from
that stuck mode to solutionmode.
So based on what you justrealized with those, those other
two questions, those first twoquestions, what will you do
differently moving forward?
Okay, so maybe you'll setboundaries sooner.
Maybe you'll trust yourselfmore.
(12:27):
Maybe you'll take action beforefear talks you out of it.
Or maybe you'll take a pausebefore reacting to something
someone said.
And this step is reallyempowering because it turns
regret into a tool for changeinstead of something that just
weighs you down.
And the best part is that youdon't have to wait for some big
(12:48):
old huge situation to practicethis.
You can use these threequestions for any regret, big or
small.
Over time, this is going torewire your mindset to be more
forward focused.
Instead of obsessed with thepast and I actually encourage
you to do that like practicewith it take something small You
(13:10):
know like last week on Tuesday,I was exhausted all day I wish I
would have gone to bed sooner.
That's actually a realsituation, by the way.
Sometimes I have a hard timeputting down my New York Times,
uh, crossword app at night.
Do as I say, not as I do, right?
(13:32):
But, you know, I might look atthat and say, what worked?
I have a great little time withmy daughter every night.
We do all the games.
We do the, um, game called, uh,what's it called?
Strands.
It's a new one.
Connections.
We do wordle, we do the spellingbee, and then usually she goes
to bed either part way throughthe spelling bee or after it.
(13:52):
And then I do the crossword, butI get, I can get kind of sucked
in.
I have a hard time putting itdown.
So, you know, that's somethinggood about it.
What worked is I had that timewith her.
I love that time What didn'twork?
Well, like, you know I didn'thave anything in place to really
remind me why it's important togo to bed at the time I want to
(14:14):
go to bed What can I dodifferently next time?
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-4 (14:18):
Well, you know, maybe I need to set an
alarm and have a message,associate a message with it, you
know, on the iPhone, probably onthe Android too, I don't, I
don't know, but you can name thealarm something.
So when it pops up, it'll giveyou the message that you name
it.
Um, so maybe I do that and Isay, well, it's important for
you to go to bed becausetomorrow, otherwise you're going
(14:41):
to be exhausted and you're goingto be mad at yourself for not
going to bed.
And you won't be able to enjoythe, the things you want to
enjoy.
You'll have like not very muchenergy and you know, go make
some notes about why it's reallyimportant to you to, to do the
thing.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-1 (14:59):
But you get the idea, like I'm, I'm
really looking at what wentright, what didn't go right and
then what might I want to do tobe able to do this in a way that
works better for me next time.
So, let's recap real quick Whenyou find yourself stuck in
regret, you're going to pauseand you're going to ask
yourself, What worked?
(15:21):
Find something positive.
You can use this and then nexttime you can build on it.
And then two, what didn't work?
Without judgment.
You're just observing.
Number three, what can I dodifferently next time?
You're turning this into alesson, not a life sentence,
okay?
Regret doesn't have to be thisheavy thing and that drags you
(15:43):
down It can actually be one ofyour greatest teachers if you
let it.
And actually, I find that inlife like some of the hardest
times of my life I wouldn'twanna really experience them
again, but yet they were like mygreatest teachers.
There are some people in my lifethat are, have been very
difficult for me, and they're mygreatest teachers, some of my
greatest teachers.
(16:04):
So let's take a deep breath, letgo of the past and then decide
what you wanna do next.
now you have this simplepowerful tool to move through
regret instead of getting stuckin it, but I also know this to
be true (16:19):
Sometimes even when we've asked the questions,
Reflected and made a plan to dobetter, there's either still a
part of us that holds on to thatregret, or maybe like we just
don't quite get it right nexttime either, and then we're back
in the same place.
But as far as a part of us stillholding on to regret, that's
because regret isn't just aboutwishing we've done something
(16:42):
differently.
It's about almost like grievingthe version of ourselves that
didn't know what we know now.
You know, we only know what weknow, duh, but we can't ever
know all the information thatwill be available to us when the
decision plays out.
(17:03):
If that makes sense when we knowwhen we realize it was a good or
bad decision.
But we don't have theinformation of the future So
let's talk about how to reallymake peace with the past and
move forward in a way that feelslight instead of heavy.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-3 (17:18):
First of all, recognize you did the
best you could.
One of the biggest reasons thatwe hold on to regret is because
we believe we should have knownbetter.
But the truth?
You didn't know better.
You made the best decision youcould with the knowledge,
experience, and emotionalcapacity that you had at the
(17:39):
time.
In hindsight, like I saidbefore, it's always 20/20.
You're looking at the past withthe wisdom of today.
And of course, things seemclearer now.
But back then, like you justdidn't have that clarity yet.
That's okay.
It's normal.
So instead of blaming yourselffor what you didn't know, like,
(18:01):
just take a minute andacknowledge how far you've come.
Like, you know somethingdifferent now.
The fact that you even feelregret means that you've grown.
The second thing is self-forgiveness.
This is the key to letting go.
If you've been holding on toregret for a long time, ask
yourself, like, what would itfeel like to just let it go?
(18:25):
Kind of like you're letting goof a balloon.
I know we don't do that anymorebecause it's not environmentally
friendly, but if it were,imagine you're just letting go
of a balloon, just releasing it,just floating away.
And it's not because you'reignoring what happened.
It's not because you'repretending it didn't matter.
(18:45):
It's because you deserve to moveforward.
Regret is just your brain's wayof saying, Hey, I care about
this.
I want to do better.
But if you hold on for too long,it just stops being helpful, and
it really starts being harmful.
And we don't want that.
So here's something I want youto try.
Close your eyes for a second,and take a deep breath.
(19:08):
If you're driving, don't closeyour eyes.
Hopefully it goes withoutsaying.
And repeat after me.
I did the best I could with whatI knew at the time, I released
myself from the weight of thisregret and you might even
imagine a weight being liftedoff of you and I will take what
(19:33):
I've learned and move forwardfrom this with wisdom and grace.
One thing people don't thinkabout is that self forgiveness
is a choice.
Self compassion is a choice.
And when you give yourselfpermission to let go, you create
space for something new.
You create space for growth, forhealing, for peace.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-6 (19:57):
The third thing is living in the
present and not the past.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-3 (20:01):
At the end of the day, regret tries
to keep us trapped in the past.
But that's not where your poweris.
There's nothing you can do aboutthe past.
It's totally out of yourcontrol.
It's done.
But your power is here right nowin the present because it's here
that you can actually controlsomething.
(20:22):
You can actually do something.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-7 (20:25):
So right now, today, you have the
opportunity to make new choicesto take what you've learned and
to apply it.
ATR2100x-USB Microphone-8 (20:34):
You have the choice to live in a way
that aligns with who you arenow, not who you used to be.
So ask yourself what you want tocreate in your life moving
forward.
What's something small that youcan do to step towards that
today?
ATR2100x-USB Microphone- (20:49):
That's where your focus should be.
Not in the rearview mirror.
That's not where you're going.
What's that quote?
Like, don't look back.
That's not where you're going.
Look ahead.
You gotta look ahead to be ableto stay on the road.
Right?
So, look where you're going.
See where you want to go?
Zero in on that.
Move towards that.
(21:11):
Before we go, I have a challengefor you.
Something that you can do toapply what we've talked about
today.
Because I don't want you to justlisten to this episode.
I want you to do something withit.
So here's your challenge.
Number one, think of a regretyou've been holding on to.
It doesn't need to be some giantthing that you regret.
(21:33):
It can be something small.
In fact, it's probably better tostart with something small.
It might be easier to work withfor now.
Second, you're going to write itdown and you're going to walk
through the three questionframework I talked about today.
First, what worked?
Second, what didn't work?
Third, what can I do differentlynext time?
(21:54):
Now take a deep breath and letit go.
Imagine letting it go.
And then.
Think about what's one smallstep you can do today to move
forward.
Maybe it's making a differentchoice.
Maybe it's forgiving yourself.
Maybe it's offering some selfcompassion.
(22:15):
Maybe it's simply deciding tostop replaying the past.
Redirect that energy somewhereelse.
And if you're feeling bold orinspired, send me a message or
tag me on Instagram and let meknow what you're releasing
today.
I would absolutely love to cheeryou on.
And also something really cool Icreated just for you as a thank
(22:37):
you for listening to thisepisode.
Thank you for being in my lifeand doing this work on yourself.
I've created a little worksheetthat you can use to go through
this three question frameworkand you can grab it for free at
the link in the show notes So goahead and click on that.
You just have to put your nameand email address in so I know
(22:59):
where to send it and It'll makeit really easy for you to do
this challenge today Rememberyou are not your past mistakes.
Today You are the person who haslearned from them.
And that's my friend.
That is what makes youunstoppable! All right, my
friend, that is it for today.
(23:20):
If this episode resonated withyou, I would love to hear your
thoughts.
DM me, send me an email or sharethis with someone who really
might need to hear it.
I always love it when people goleave a rating and a review on
your favorite streamingplatform.
It helps people find the show,which is what we want.
And if you're ready to startmaking real lasting changes in
your life, you know where tofind me, please reach out.
(23:44):
All right, until next time, takecare and remember regret does
not define you.
Your next choice does.
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