March 14, 2025 • 38 mins
Elizabeth Cush, licensed clinical counselor and women's life coach, explores the complex challenges of midlife and menopause for women who feel overwhelmed by physical changes, shifting family dynamics, and societal expectations.
• Menopause brings significant physical and emotional changes that can make women feel disconnected from their former selves
• Brain fog, memory issues, and body changes are common experiences during perimenopause and menopause
• Women often struggle with the "illusion of control" as their bodies change in ways that dieting cannot prevent
• Self-compassion is more effective than self-criticism for creating positive change and emotional wellness
• Research shows being kind to yourself creates better outcomes than harsh self-judgment
• Boundary-setting is essential for women who have been socialized to prioritize others' needs above their own
• Caregiving without boundaries leads to depletion, resentment, and strained relationships
• Being highly sensitive is a genetic trait that affects how deeply you process sensory information
• Change is possible at any age - even when external options seem limited, internal transformation remains available
Connect with Elizabeth through her counseling website at progressioncounseling.com, her coaching site at elizabethcush.com, or through her podcast "Awaken Your Wise Woman."
Connect With Elizabeth for coaching HERE
Biz's Group Support for Sensitive Women HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everybody and welcome back to the Real Food
Stories podcast.
I've had something on my mindlately and not a little bit, but
a lot and that is navigatinglife as a woman in midlife and
menopause.
We have so much on our plateduring this time of our lives
with empty nesting aging parents, our careers, our health, our
(00:21):
hormones, just to name a few andlife can feel hard, to say the
least, which is why I am so gladto have connected with my guest
today, elizabeth Kush.
Elizabeth is a licensedclinical professional counselor
and a woman's life coach.
As a coach, biz, as she likesto be called, helps midlife
(00:43):
women who feel overwhelmed andunfulfilled embrace and embody
their inner wise woman so thatthey can fully enjoy the
beautiful life they've created.
Biz is also the host of theAwaken your Wise Woman podcast.
Okay, biz, let's just jumpright in and thank you for
coming on the show today,because I'm excited to talk to
(01:04):
you.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Thanks, for having me Heather.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Sure.
Why does midlife, especiallyfor women, feel so hard
sometimes?
Are we a special population?
Or is this all about midlife,or does everyone kind of go
through just feeling hard?
And you know life is hard?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well, I feel like for me anyway.
Growing up, you always heardabout men going through this
midlife crisis and getting likea young girlfriend or a new car
or something like that.
But I think there's someawareness now that women go
through something similar whenthey hit midlife.
So I think it's probably apretty common experience.
(01:49):
But I think the added piece tothat for women one is menopause
or perimenopause right, that ourbodies are physically, I was
going to say, disrupting, butthey're changing.
They are, you know, thehormones are swirling, we're
feeling differently, there's alot going on.
(02:14):
And then you add to that, likeif you were a mother,
potentially your kids are movingon to something new.
You maybe, if you hadn't worked, you're considering going back
to work because now you havethis time, or you're looking
towards retirement, like, okay,so what does that mean?
(02:36):
I'm going to be now in thisspace where I don't work anymore
, or what am I going to do withmyself then more?
Or you know, what am I going todo with myself then?
So it's really sort of.
I think for many people,midlife is a time where we're
reevaluating where we were,where we are now and where we
(02:57):
want to be.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Yeah, without a doubt .
I mean I feel like this time inmy life like no joke, I mean I
am.
I am reevaluating my entirelife, my career, the direction
I'm taking my career in, justhow I see myself physically.
I mean sometimes I feel likeI've almost been like split into
(03:19):
people like my life before Imean let's call it menopause my
life before menopause and the meI am right now, because they
just almost feel like like thatfeels like a like my old life
like feels like something fromlike the way distant past, the
dark ages.
Yeah, and now I'm like sort ofout in, like the like,
navigating on my own.
(03:40):
No one really prepares you forthis time of your life and
there's just so much changegoing on with our bodies and
aging parents.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I didn't even add that.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah, big changes, so it can feel really hard
sometimes and overwhelming andoverwhelming.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Yeah, yeah, I know for sure I'm thinking.
You know I hit perimenopause orno full menopause when I was
like 47.
And you know that was a longtime ago.
I'm 64 now, but I remember justfeeling just so almost lost in
(04:31):
a way.
It's like well, one, what now?
But also just physically Ididn't feel like myself anymore,
like I felt like I had brainfog, I was forgetting things.
I remember a conversation withmy older sister and like I was
like I'm wondering if I havelike early onset Alzheimer's,
that I am just I feel so unlikemyself.
And she laughed, she's likeit's menopause, like don't worry
(04:54):
, you're fine.
And she was right.
But yeah, it definitely canfeel like a very disrupting time
.
But I also, looking back, italso prompted me to make a lot
of changes in my life whichended up being incredibly
positive.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah.
So let's talk about change likethat, because I feel like you
know you could certainly.
You know I'm not.
I'm going to be totally honest,like there's a part of me that
is just like resisting likeaging, like I just want, like I
don going to be totally honest,like there's a part of me that
is just like resisting likeaging, like I just want, like I
don't want to get older, becauseI don't feel older, like I, you
know, but but I, I there'sprobably something to embracing
(05:37):
and and flowing with it, becausethere's nothing we could do.
We're getting older anyway, butthere's yeah so just that you
know like sort of flow, feelingand then maybe being excited
about the possibilities.
Sometimes all I see is like thedark and stormy, or like you
know there's yeah problems ahead, but there's definitely a lot
(06:01):
of possibilities and good thingscoming right.
So you know, when you seeclients, when they come to you
as, like you know, they're womenin midlife tell me a few things
.
Does this sound familiar to you?
what I'm talking about, or youknow, is, there other common
themes and patterns that you seewith the people that you coach,
(06:24):
and absolutely so let's talkabout like just common things.
So I think we all don't feel soalone in our struggles.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Sure, well one, the realization of our bodies aging
right Are the wrinkles, thesaggy skin, like that physical
component, but also just feelingolder, even if emotionally I
feel young.
You know, I notice some of thephysical and I think my clients
(06:55):
are noticing those things too,and I, you know, I don't always
embrace that I'm aging, but I'mlearning to accept it and I
guess that is my hope to help myclients get to that place too,
that an acceptance of, yes,sometimes it feels really hard
and how can I approach this froma more compassionate mindset,
(07:20):
like how can I give myself somegrace when it does feel hard but
also get excited about thepotential for what is next?
You know, I think for somewomen it's grandchildren.
You know this new generationthat comes into their lives.
I have not had that experience,but I see how fulfilling that
(07:45):
can be at this part of you know,this time in their lives and in
our life.
But for me personally it waslike, well, now I have this
opportunity to do other things.
You know.
Well fortunate, you know, Ifeel fortunate in that.
Well fortunate, you know, Ifeel fortunate in that you know
(08:08):
I'm at a place where I cantravel or I can, you know, take
time off and do things that youknow, do things that I want to
do.
But for clients like I thinkit's really just helping them
better understand, sort of thoseinternal messages that we're
giving ourselves like this, youknow, hating our bodies or
shaming ourselves around wherewe are right now, versus can I
(08:32):
offer some myself, somecompassion for one if this feels
really hard, but two, justknowing that there are others
out there that are going throughthe same thing.
I think that this is a commonexperience, that I think that
can be really helpful too.
But it's like, yeah, lookingfor values, Like what is it that
(08:54):
you want with this part of yourlife?
Now, you know?
Speaker 1 (08:57):
I think, yeah, feeling like you're not alone.
You know, especially at thistime of our lives when it can
feel kind of lonely becausewe're not, I know you know again
, for me, like I'm not like sobonded.
You know, like I made a lot ofmy friends through my kids, you
know, like through those moms,and now we're all sort of
scattered or we're all different, you know doing different
(09:18):
things, and it can sometimesfeel, yeah, lonely or like
you're alone, like you're kindof doing this alone.
So I think that that'simportant.
And then you said another thingabout feeling out of control
like our bodies.
You know, like our bodies arechanging so much that you know,
(09:47):
when you have been dieting orlike controlling your body for
decades through diets, throughwhatever you know severe, like
maybe not so severe, but thenyou go through menopause and
that's a huge body shift.
I mean right, even with all thebest intentions.
I mean you can, how your weightis distributed.
It's, you know, maybe you'vegained a little more weight in
your belly and that can feelreally, really shocking
(10:10):
sometimes, you know, to somewomen and very, very hard change
.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
You know and then I think you know.
Then you just mentioned theword compassion and I think to
really double down on trying tohave some compassion for
yourself and for the changesyou're going through.
But that can feel hard whenyou've been in control and then
you feel like you cannot controlthe physical, at least part of
(10:37):
your life.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Does that make sense?
Have?
you seen that, oh, it makes somuch sense.
Yeah, well, but two, I justwanted to say, like it's the
illusion of control, right?
I mean, yes, we can diet or,you know, eat in very mindful
ways to sort of maintain bodyweight, but really our body's
gonna do what it's gonna do,right, I mean it's?
(11:00):
And yes, so the shifting, Ithink, of where we are
physically, you know, as yousaid, like sometimes you're you
have the belly weighed or youknow your skin doesn't look
quite as youthful and glowing asit once did.
There are people, you know, I,I know women who work really
(11:21):
hard to continue with thatcontrol right To, whether it's
surgical or through hormonereplacement, which I think some
people need because menopausecan be very disruptive
hormonally, but also plasticsurgery, injections, things like
there's so much out there thatyou can do to sort of continue
(11:45):
with that illusion of control.
But our bodies are gonna agefaster inside, no matter what
we're doing to the outside.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah Well, society in general doesn't like women
getting older, right Than agingit's true, it's true.
I mean, we do resist it on avery huge level.
We do, we do.
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's been a challenge, you know, I think for
a lot of my clients, yeah, it'sjust accepting, you know, even
with compassion, that maybetheir body doesn't look the way
it used to or the way they wouldlike it to today so let's talk
about that definition ofcompassion.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You know because we've now thrown it out there a
little bit what tell me, whatyou think of compassion, or what
that means to you to havecompassion for yourself as a
woman going through midlife anda lot of changes.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Yeah, well, I think a lot of it is.
How a big piece of that is howyou talk to yourself, right,
like I know, I for many years Istruggled with anxiety and, as I
was learning to sort of listento my own internal dialogue,
(12:56):
realized that I was so unkind tomyself, like if I made a
mistake, you know, I ruminatedon it for days afterwards like,
oh, I should have never saidthat or I should never have done
that.
I can remember as a young woman, you know, beating myself up
(13:17):
about my parenting, like, oh,I'm just, I could be so much
better if I didn't just, youknow, lose my shit on my kids or
lose my sorry, excuse me youknow, just, you know, just get
angry or whatever.
So I think so much of the whatwe can shift, what we can
control is how we talk toourselves, how we relate to us.
(13:39):
That doesn't necessarily meanwe're giving ourselves a pass,
for when we do make mistakesit's sort of acknowledging
nobody's perfect, everybodymakes mistakes.
So sort of that common humanexperience of we all are in this
.
We all none of us are perfect.
(13:59):
We all struggle from time totime and yet can we then
acknowledge how hard that is?
Like it feels really hard andcan I offer myself, you know, a
hand on my heart or just alittle word of encouragement,
like, yeah, this feels reallyhard and I feel how hard that is
, but can I be kind to myself inthat?
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Yeah, I understand that.
I mean, when you're, whenyou're bent like, I think, a lot
of women years beating yourselfup, right, because that's maybe
how you grew up or that youknow, or that's how you're
supposed to be, the thought ofbeing kind to yourself, you know
, not being hard on yourself isforeign.
I mean, I know that, I know formyself that was, that was me
(14:43):
years ago.
I mean I grew up in like theland of like diets, diet culture
, big diet culture in my familyand just let, and you know, like
gaining weight, losing weight,diet culture in my family and
just like, and you know, likegaining weight, losing weight,
being hard on myself, havingreprimand myself.
And it wasn't until I reallylearned how to cultivate that
self-compassion and kindnessthat I could finally like lose
(15:06):
some weight and lose it and keepit off.
I mean I for me, for my clients, for like, for I think in the
world of weight loss and justbody nutrition, kindness and
compassion is everything.
It's the missing link betweenbeing on like these punishing
diets and just really takingcare of yourself you know, and
(15:28):
because you want to get healthyand you want to like and it's
and it's like you're taking careof, like a, your inner child.
I guess you know you can callit that, or yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, yeah, those parts of you that didn't get the
love and care back then, yeahyeah.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
And so kindness and compassion, I think, are just
undervalued, underserved habits.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah Well, I think that women need to cultivate,
yeah, I think around, yes, dietculture, I think around mental
wellness, I think around, yeah,our appearance.
It's like we're so used to sortof comparing but also then
criticizing.
So you know, I think a piece ofthis self-compassion too is
(16:12):
that mindful awareness.
It's like we are becoming moreaware of what we're telling
ourselves, how we're treatingourselves Like.
I can remember I don't know ifyou're familiar with Kristen
Neff's work, but she's so, yeah,that she's all all about
self-compassion.
And I remember you know hearingher saying like self-compassion
(16:36):
.
And I remember you know hearingher saying like would you like
one of her exercises?
The way you talk to yourself?
Would you ever say that to one,to a friend, but two to a total
stranger, somebody you don'tknow?
Would you ever ever talk thatway to them?
And the answer was like no, why?
Of course not.
And I was like, oh right, butit's okay to do that to myself.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Exactly.
Why is it okay?
You would never think abouttalking the way you talk to
yourself to a good friend.
You would never criticize them,even somebody you don't like
probably.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
I mean maybe you would, but you know I am not a
hateful person and yeah, it'sjust like wow hateful person and
yeah, it's just like, wow, howis that okay?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
But yeah, so kindness and compassion, I think, are
the key, almost like the numberone things that you have to have
.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, as a self-care tool almost.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
As a self-care tool.
I think that that is.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
you know, if you want to think of it as like a
toolbox of things that you'recarrying around with you, yeah,
and I think one of the hardestparts of that is often people
you know my clients will say butif I'm nice to myself, then how
am I ever going to get better?
How am I ever going to do thisbetter?
How am I ever going to actuallylose weight or, you know, never
(17:53):
make a mistake again.
And the reality is like we'renot perfect right.
We will make another mistakepotentially.
And if we can relate toourselves with kindness you know
, whether it's around food andeating or around just life that
(18:14):
actually helps us make changewhen we can offer that care and
kindness.
And there's research that showsthat.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Yes, there is research and I love research, so
I love science, I love evidence, and there is research to show
that that is like being kind andcompassionate to yourself is
much more effective than whatyou just said.
You know, like that, yourclients are like if I'm not
beating myself up, how am Igoing to, how am I going to get
myself to change?
Which you know, as you saidthat out loud, I'm like that
(18:44):
sounds ridiculous, but that ishow I used to be with myself and
that is how many many women arewith themselves, right, I mean,
if they're not hard onthemselves, if they're not like
beating themselves up, yeah,yeah, I mean I just have to be
kind to myself and that's yes,yes, that is so much more
(19:05):
effective, it's so much.
I think it's so much longerlasting than beating yourself up
, so much longer lasting thanbeating yourself up.
But how do you get then?
So you know, how do you getyour clients to go from like
that beating up themselves toreally embracing and practicing
(19:25):
compassion and self-kindness?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Well, a lot of, particularly with therapy
clients.
But coaching clients, too, isreally looking back at the
messaging they received when, ifthey were making mistakes or
overeating or not eating healthyfood like, what were the
(19:51):
caregivers to support people inyour life?
What were the messages that youwere given?
Right, because often what we'retelling ourselves is stuff
we've internalized from others,right?
So it's like having anawareness of kind of repeating
the patterns that were set inplace back in the day when we
(20:11):
were kids, and so being able tomeet those you know and then,
well, and often then I willreflect to them like well, is
that how you're?
You know, if they're parents,is that how you're treating your
own children?
And they'd be like no, ofcourse not.
Why would I?
I would never do that.
I was like all right, so howabout?
(20:35):
What would it be like to thenoffer what you give your
children or what you give yourbest friend to yourself?
And it can be gentle, it can beif that feels too hard, like if
the idea of being kind tomyself feels so difficult that
it's almost you know, it'salmost rejected, like we can't
(20:55):
even take that in, because forsome people, that is true it
just feels so foreign or souncomfortable that I'll say well
, what about what would a friendsay to you right now?
You know, can you internalizethat?
Or how would your, if your dogcould talk, that you know loves
(21:16):
you to death unconditionally,how would he respond to your
suffering?
And can you give yourself that?
And it could be a, you know, aninanimate object, or you know
it could be a tree, whatever.
But being able to really hearwhat someone else would say to
you when you're struggling andoffer that to yourself and then,
(21:40):
as that becomes morecomfortable, then making it
really come from you, from yourheart.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah, starting from like a foundation of kindness
and compassion and then going.
It's not that you have toaccept like the weight that
you're at or the I mean right,we don't have to like
necessarily accept these things.
But if we come at it from thiskind and compassionate angle and
then look to maybe lose weightor get in better shape or
(22:09):
whatever the goal is, it's justa much better experience.
I mean, it's just a much nicerexperience.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Right, right, well, and I think I think too, for
some people that they seeself-kindness is like a, like a
panacea, right, oh, everything'sfine, you're good, no worries,
and it's not that right.
It's like it feels really hardthat I broke my diet or that I'm
not at the weight I want to be.
(22:37):
And can I be with how hard thatis and offer myself compassion
around that?
Like this feels really hard,that I'm 10 pounds or whatever
it is that I'm heavier than Iwant to be.
But can I recognize that I'mnot alone in this, that I have
(22:57):
the choice of how I talk tomyself around how hard it is?
Like I could be terrible andtell myself how awful I am for
not sticking to this diet, or Icould say, gosh, that was really
.
It's so hard to stay with thisdiet and it feels really hard
that I'm not where I want to be.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Yeah, Losing weight is hard.
It is.
It's challenging.
It's challenging when we're inmidlife, where it can get hard,
but let's keep going.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, well, and if and, and maybe through the
self-kindness, there's a weightthat you can find that works,
that maybe isn't as severe ordrastic, you know that can be a
place that you can find comfortin and be okay with some
acceptance around, like for methat's been a challenge in
(23:48):
midlife.
You know that.
That, yeah, my body isdefinitely a different shape and
I and the weight I was probably10 years ago, I've I've gained
weight, but I recognize to, to,to nourish my body in the way I
want to like to feed it so thatI get the nutrition I need, but
also the enjoyment that I I lovefood, so to get the enjoyment,
(24:12):
like all right.
So I'm going to buy someclothes that fit me comfortably
now and I'm okay with that.
But yeah, but that took sometime to get there.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Right, being okay where you are right now and then
if you lose weight, great, Imean right.
Besides the, you know havingthe self-compassion and the bone
(24:48):
, you know, I mean theself-compassion and kindness um,
I was thinking about boundaries, oh, yeah, also.
Yeah, which I know is, you know, a big one for a lot of women.
You know, saying yes when youmean to say no, that's's been
something for me, at least, thatI have been, has definitely
(25:09):
been top of mind for the lastcouple of years is, you know, no
is a complete sentence andbeing really okay with that.
And you know what, what do youdo?
You think that that's a that'sa big one for women in midlife?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
I do.
I think that boundaries are astruggle for women in general.
I think we are raised to bepeople pleasers and be the
caregivers and take care ofothers before we take care of
our own needs.
And you know society needs thatand we also can do that, you
(25:46):
know, do our caregiving and takecare of ourselves too.
And so that does mean settingboundaries and saying no.
I think what is very hard formany women, especially I am
highly sensitive so especiallyfor highly sensitive women is
we're so concerned about hurtingother people's feelings.
We're so worried about howothers will feel if I say no.
(26:12):
What will happen to thatrelationship if I set this
boundary?
And a lot of the work that I dowith clients is like allowing
them to see that they're sort oftwisting to accommodate others
really harms themselves and therelationship, because then the
(26:32):
people in their lives come toexpect this sort of selfless
energy and you end up feelingdepleted, resentful.
Yeah, the relationship doesn'tfeel uh reciprocal anymore.
And so I do see like helpingwomen find a way to create
(26:56):
boundaries that work for thembecause it's not the same for
everybody but also recognizingsometimes, when we begin this
process of creating healthierboundaries for ourselves,
sometimes some relationships dofall away and that's really hard
and sometimes it's necessary.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What do you think is behind the lack of boundaries or
saying yes when you want to sayno?
I mean, where does that?
Does that come from?
Something from our past?
Is it just we're just borncaretakers and I mean I know
that you've, I'm sure for a lotof women they feel very useful
(27:38):
or needed or wanted.
Yeah, but it is, yeah.
I mean that's just the oppositesometimes of self-care.
Where do you think that stemsfrom?
So women can understand this.
So I think it's important toknow where the origins of it are
(27:58):
right.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, well, I think there is a big cultural message,
at least for women of ourgeneration, Like there's a
cultural message around sort ofselflessness as being the ideal
for women, like you are thegiver, you're the caretaker, you
are the selfless person.
And I think religion hassomething to do with that too.
(28:21):
Right, being selfless, helpfulpeople and being helpful in a
caregiver and you know, selflessat times can be lovely, but if
we're constantly taking care ofother people's needs to the
detriment of our own, we end upwell, oftentimes sick.
(28:43):
You know it can result inoftentimes sick.
You know it can result in, likephysical illness because we're
not taking care of both ourphysical and our emotional needs
.
And so it benefits everybody ifwe're setting boundaries
because one we're in a betterplace to take care of the people
(29:04):
in our lives that need takingcare.
You know, because we like totake care of people, most women,
I think you know that thattends that may be a genetic
component, a component of who weare, but but for a lot of
people, like if we're you know,my mom used to always talk about
burning the candle at both ends, right Like if we're just using
(29:25):
up all the energy on everybodyelse, there's nothing left for
us, and so then we're not doingwhatever caregiving we might
want to do.
Coming from a place from ourheart right.
It's coming out of obligationor resentment, or even anger.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yeah, I mean you have to be good with yourself first.
I mean physically, mentally,right, rested all the self-care
things before you can take careof others.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Right, and I think that's where the boundaries come
in.
And some women can, I guess canthink that it feels very
selfish, but it's reallyself-care.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yes, yes, and I think that sort of that idea that
taking care of yourself isselfish, like I don't know.
There were times in my lifewhere I would get so angry at my
husband because it was so easyfor him just to be like, well,
I'm going to go whatever playgolf or whatever, it was right,
I'm going to go hang out with myfriends, and I'd be like how do
(30:25):
you just like do that withoutworrying about what everybody
else is thinking?
I'm like wow what a great placeto be right, where I can, not to
hurt other people, but to justsay this is what I need right
now, and so yes.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Yeah, it feels so foreign?
Speaker 2 (30:40):
It does, it does and it takes practice.
I mean, that's the other thing,is it, you know, to be better
at holding your boundaries?
It takes practice putting themin place, and sometimes we're
good at it and sometimes we'renot, and having compassion with
ourselves when we say yes tosomething we really didn't want
(31:01):
to do, you know, and say whoops,you know it's not my best
moment, but next time I willlearn from this and be better.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah, so I think any other keys I mean I think we
talked about boundaries,self-care, compassion, kindness,
yeah, so we talk about just youknow the just changes going on
in midlife.
Any other key, you know?
Takeaways for women in midlife,just to you know, I think these
are all like good talkingpoints.
You know takeaways for women inmidlife, just to you know, I
(31:32):
think these are all like goodtalking points, you know, or
just all like these kind ofbuzzwords to focus on.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
What else do you see and anything else that's we
didn't cover the one thing Ilike to share with clients too,
or just you know, to live it'slike change is possible for us,
no matter where we are in ourlife, right, no matter what age
or stage.
We have an opportunity to makechanges if we choose to and also
(32:07):
, obviously, if we have theresources to do that.
But even that change can beinternal change, right, it
doesn't have to be physical,like I don't necessarily mean
you can move or change careers,but you can shift how you relate
to yourself and how you relateto others.
At any time in your life thosechanges are possible.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
That's very good wise words, maybe to add.
So I mean I think that's yeah,I mean change is possible.
We're not stuck where we are.
Even if we might be in a jobthat we can't just leave, or a
physical location, geographiclocation, we have the power
right in us to even justinternally make changes.
(32:51):
Yeah, and that's reallyimportant, biz, thank you very
much.
I wanted to just share with myaudience how do they get in
touch with you if they want toreach out and maybe do some more
work with you.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Perfect.
So I am a therapist that'slicensed in Maryland and
Delaware and my website for thatis progressioncounselingcom, so
you can find me there.
But I am also, like I said, alife coach Coach feels like an
awfully strong word, but a guide, a mentor for highly sensitive
women, and you can find that atelizabethcushcom, and Cush is
(33:29):
spelled with a C.
Often AI just turns my lastname into K-U-S-H, but it's not.
But yeah, you can find me inboth places.
I don't know when this episodewill air, but I just began
offering sort of a meetup forhighly sensitive women at a very
moderate price.
We'll meet virtually March 14th, eastern Time 1215.
(33:53):
And that's open right now forregistration, if people are
interested and if this goes live.
After that I'm going to beoffering those more often and
you can get on my mailing listand find out more.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
Okay, great, so this is an ongoing meeting.
It will be, yes, okay, butyou're starting March 14th, okay
, great.
Let me just ask you before weend I know you've mentioned
highly sensitive people orhighly sensitive women.
Just give me a sentence aboutthat.
How do you define someone who'shighly sensitive?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Yeah, so being highly sensitive is actually like a
genetic trait.
It is something we're born withand so we.
As a highly sensitive person,you take in sensory information
at a sort of a deeper level thanthe average person.
So it could be.
(34:46):
You know so.
Through your five senses youmay smell things more distinctly
.
Bad odors may impact you morepowerfully.
Hearing like sound could be.
If you're in a really loudplace, that can be overwhelming.
Bright lights, lots of colors,lots of people.
As highly sensitive women, youmay find that you get
(35:08):
overwhelmed by environmentalstimulus more easily than the
average person you may haveheard growing up.
You're just too sensitive.
You need to get over it.
You feel too much.
You shouldn't feel so much,yeah, so if you can recall
hearing those things as a kid,you can go to.
I think it's called, I thinkthe website is hspersoncom.
(35:32):
Elaine Aron is the one who'sdone a lot of the research.
But there's like a littleself-quiz that you can take that
highlights the points where youknow it identifies whether
you're highly sensitive or not,and you know it shows up
differently for each person.
You know what you're moresensitive to.
But it's another area where, ifwe can find compassion for our
(35:56):
sensitivities.
It helps us live in the worldin a much more easeful way.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Right, Okay, so having acceptance.
So, for example, if my husbandis chewing something crunchy and
that drives me crazy yes, I'mjust kind of making a joke, but
I know I mean cause I, some ofthose things can drive me really
crazy and I think I'm highlysensitive to things like that
but yeah, no, I understand thathighly.
(36:24):
Yeah, the highly sensitivetraits.
So that's good to understand.
I'm glad I asked you that rightat the slip, that in before we
ended.
So, Biz, thank you so much.
This was a great conversationand I think my audience will
have a lot to work with.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yeah, and I just want to say too, I have a podcast as
well.
It's the Awaken your Wise Womanpodcast.
People can find me there and onInstagram at Awaken your Wise
Woman.
So there you go, all the pieces.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
I will put all of those links in the show notes so
people can get that all throughthere.
Okay, great, thanks so much.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Thanks.
Hi everybody and welcome back to the Real Food
Stories podcast.
I've had something on my mindlately and not a little bit, but
a lot and that is navigatinglife as a woman in midlife and
menopause.
We have so much on our plateduring this time of our lives
with empty nesting aging parents, our careers, our health, our
(00:21):
hormones, just to name a few andlife can feel hard, to say the
least, which is why I am so gladto have connected with my guest
today, elizabeth Kush.
Elizabeth is a licensedclinical professional counselor
and a woman's life coach.
As a coach, biz, as she likesto be called, helps midlife
(00:43):
women who feel overwhelmed andunfulfilled embrace and embody
their inner wise woman so thatthey can fully enjoy the
beautiful life they've created.
Biz is also the host of theAwaken your Wise Woman podcast.
Okay, biz, let's just jumpright in and thank you for
coming on the show today,because I'm excited to talk to
(01:04):
you.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Thanks, for having me Heather.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Sure.
Why does midlife, especiallyfor women, feel so hard
sometimes?
Are we a special population?
Or is this all about midlife,or does everyone kind of go
through just feeling hard?
And you know life is hard?
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well, I feel like for me anyway.
Growing up, you always heardabout men going through this
midlife crisis and getting likea young girlfriend or a new car
or something like that.
But I think there's someawareness now that women go
through something similar whenthey hit midlife.
So I think it's probably apretty common experience.
(01:49):
But I think the added piece tothat for women one is menopause
or perimenopause right, that ourbodies are physically, I was
going to say, disrupting, butthey're changing.
They are, you know, thehormones are swirling, we're
feeling differently, there's alot going on.
(02:14):
And then you add to that, likeif you were a mother,
potentially your kids are movingon to something new.
You maybe, if you hadn't worked, you're considering going back
to work because now you havethis time, or you're looking
towards retirement, like, okay,so what does that mean?
(02:36):
I'm going to be now in thisspace where I don't work anymore
, or what am I going to do withmyself then more?
Or you know, what am I going todo with myself then?
So it's really sort of.
I think for many people,midlife is a time where we're
reevaluating where we were,where we are now and where we
(02:57):
want to be.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
Yeah, without a doubt .
I mean I feel like this time inmy life like no joke, I mean I
am.
I am reevaluating my entirelife, my career, the direction
I'm taking my career in, justhow I see myself physically.
I mean sometimes I feel likeI've almost been like split into
(03:19):
people like my life before Imean let's call it menopause my
life before menopause and the meI am right now, because they
just almost feel like like thatfeels like a like my old life
like feels like something fromlike the way distant past, the
dark ages.
Yeah, and now I'm like sort ofout in, like the like,
navigating on my own.
(03:40):
No one really prepares you forthis time of your life and
there's just so much changegoing on with our bodies and
aging parents.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I didn't even add that.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah, big changes, so it can feel really hard
sometimes and overwhelming andoverwhelming.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Yeah, yeah, I know for sure I'm thinking.
You know I hit perimenopause orno full menopause when I was
like 47.
And you know that was a longtime ago.
I'm 64 now, but I remember justfeeling just so almost lost in
(04:31):
a way.
It's like well, one, what now?
But also just physically Ididn't feel like myself anymore,
like I felt like I had brainfog, I was forgetting things.
I remember a conversation withmy older sister and like I was
like I'm wondering if I havelike early onset Alzheimer's,
that I am just I feel so unlikemyself.
And she laughed, she's likeit's menopause, like don't worry
(04:54):
, you're fine.
And she was right.
But yeah, it definitely canfeel like a very disrupting time
.
But I also, looking back, italso prompted me to make a lot
of changes in my life whichended up being incredibly
positive.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah.
So let's talk about change likethat, because I feel like you
know you could certainly.
You know I'm not.
I'm going to be totally honest,like there's a part of me that
is just like resisting likeaging, like I just want, like I
don going to be totally honest,like there's a part of me that
is just like resisting likeaging, like I just want, like I
don't want to get older, becauseI don't feel older, like I, you
know, but but I, I there'sprobably something to embracing
(05:37):
and and flowing with it, becausethere's nothing we could do.
We're getting older anyway, butthere's yeah so just that you
know like sort of flow, feelingand then maybe being excited
about the possibilities.
Sometimes all I see is like thedark and stormy, or like you
know there's yeah problems ahead, but there's definitely a lot
(06:01):
of possibilities and good thingscoming right.
So you know, when you seeclients, when they come to you
as, like you know, they're womenin midlife tell me a few things
.
Does this sound familiar to you?
what I'm talking about, or youknow, is, there other common
themes and patterns that you seewith the people that you coach,
(06:24):
and absolutely so let's talkabout like just common things.
So I think we all don't feel soalone in our struggles.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Sure, well one, the realization of our bodies aging
right Are the wrinkles, thesaggy skin, like that physical
component, but also just feelingolder, even if emotionally I
feel young.
You know, I notice some of thephysical and I think my clients
(06:55):
are noticing those things too,and I, you know, I don't always
embrace that I'm aging, but I'mlearning to accept it and I
guess that is my hope to help myclients get to that place too,
that an acceptance of, yes,sometimes it feels really hard
and how can I approach this froma more compassionate mindset,
(07:20):
like how can I give myself somegrace when it does feel hard but
also get excited about thepotential for what is next?
You know, I think for somewomen it's grandchildren.
You know this new generationthat comes into their lives.
I have not had that experience,but I see how fulfilling that
(07:45):
can be at this part of you know,this time in their lives and in
our life.
But for me personally it waslike, well, now I have this
opportunity to do other things.
You know.
Well fortunate, you know, Ifeel fortunate in that.
Well fortunate, you know, Ifeel fortunate in that you know
(08:08):
I'm at a place where I cantravel or I can, you know, take
time off and do things that youknow, do things that I want to
do.
But for clients like I thinkit's really just helping them
better understand, sort of thoseinternal messages that we're
giving ourselves like this, youknow, hating our bodies or
shaming ourselves around wherewe are right now, versus can I
(08:32):
offer some myself, somecompassion for one if this feels
really hard, but two, justknowing that there are others
out there that are going throughthe same thing.
I think that this is a commonexperience, that I think that
can be really helpful too.
But it's like, yeah, lookingfor values, Like what is it that
(08:54):
you want with this part of yourlife?
Now, you know?
Speaker 1 (08:57):
I think, yeah, feeling like you're not alone.
You know, especially at thistime of our lives when it can
feel kind of lonely becausewe're not, I know you know again
, for me, like I'm not like sobonded.
You know, like I made a lot ofmy friends through my kids, you
know, like through those moms,and now we're all sort of
scattered or we're all different, you know doing different
(09:18):
things, and it can sometimesfeel, yeah, lonely or like
you're alone, like you're kindof doing this alone.
So I think that that'simportant.
And then you said another thingabout feeling out of control
like our bodies.
You know, like our bodies arechanging so much that you know,
(09:47):
when you have been dieting orlike controlling your body for
decades through diets, throughwhatever you know severe, like
maybe not so severe, but thenyou go through menopause and
that's a huge body shift.
I mean right, even with all thebest intentions.
I mean you can, how your weightis distributed.
It's, you know, maybe you'vegained a little more weight in
your belly and that can feelreally, really shocking
(10:10):
sometimes, you know, to somewomen and very, very hard change
.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
You know and then I think you know.
Then you just mentioned theword compassion and I think to
really double down on trying tohave some compassion for
yourself and for the changesyou're going through.
But that can feel hard whenyou've been in control and then
you feel like you cannot controlthe physical, at least part of
(10:37):
your life.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Does that make sense?
Have?
you seen that, oh, it makes somuch sense.
Yeah, well, but two, I justwanted to say, like it's the
illusion of control, right?
I mean, yes, we can diet or,you know, eat in very mindful
ways to sort of maintain bodyweight, but really our body's
gonna do what it's gonna do,right, I mean it's?
(11:00):
And yes, so the shifting, Ithink, of where we are
physically, you know, as yousaid, like sometimes you're you
have the belly weighed or youknow your skin doesn't look
quite as youthful and glowing asit once did.
There are people, you know, I,I know women who work really
(11:21):
hard to continue with thatcontrol right To, whether it's
surgical or through hormonereplacement, which I think some
people need because menopausecan be very disruptive
hormonally, but also plasticsurgery, injections, things like
there's so much out there thatyou can do to sort of continue
(11:45):
with that illusion of control.
But our bodies are gonna agefaster inside, no matter what
we're doing to the outside.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah Well, society in general doesn't like women
getting older, right Than agingit's true, it's true.
I mean, we do resist it on avery huge level.
We do, we do.
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
That's been a challenge, you know, I think for
a lot of my clients, yeah, it'sjust accepting, you know, even
with compassion, that maybetheir body doesn't look the way
it used to or the way they wouldlike it to today so let's talk
about that definition ofcompassion.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You know because we've now thrown it out there a
little bit what tell me, whatyou think of compassion, or what
that means to you to havecompassion for yourself as a
woman going through midlife anda lot of changes.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Yeah, well, I think a lot of it is.
How a big piece of that is howyou talk to yourself, right,
like I know, I for many years Istruggled with anxiety and, as I
was learning to sort of listento my own internal dialogue,
(12:56):
realized that I was so unkind tomyself, like if I made a
mistake, you know, I ruminatedon it for days afterwards like,
oh, I should have never saidthat or I should never have done
that.
I can remember as a young woman, you know, beating myself up
(13:17):
about my parenting, like, oh,I'm just, I could be so much
better if I didn't just, youknow, lose my shit on my kids or
lose my sorry, excuse me youknow, just, you know, just get
angry or whatever.
So I think so much of the whatwe can shift, what we can
control is how we talk toourselves, how we relate to us.
(13:39):
That doesn't necessarily meanwe're giving ourselves a pass,
for when we do make mistakesit's sort of acknowledging
nobody's perfect, everybodymakes mistakes.
So sort of that common humanexperience of we all are in this
.
We all none of us are perfect.
(13:59):
We all struggle from time totime and yet can we then
acknowledge how hard that is?
Like it feels really hard andcan I offer myself, you know, a
hand on my heart or just alittle word of encouragement,
like, yeah, this feels reallyhard and I feel how hard that is
, but can I be kind to myself inthat?
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Yeah, I understand that.
I mean, when you're, whenyou're bent like, I think, a lot
of women years beating yourselfup, right, because that's maybe
how you grew up or that youknow, or that's how you're
supposed to be, the thought ofbeing kind to yourself, you know
, not being hard on yourself isforeign.
I mean, I know that, I know formyself that was, that was me
(14:43):
years ago.
I mean I grew up in like theland of like diets, diet culture
, big diet culture in my familyand just let, and you know, like
gaining weight, losing weight,diet culture in my family and
just like, and you know, likegaining weight, losing weight,
being hard on myself, havingreprimand myself.
And it wasn't until I reallylearned how to cultivate that
self-compassion and kindnessthat I could finally like lose
(15:06):
some weight and lose it and keepit off.
I mean I for me, for my clients, for like, for I think in the
world of weight loss and justbody nutrition, kindness and
compassion is everything.
It's the missing link betweenbeing on like these punishing
diets and just really takingcare of yourself you know, and
(15:28):
because you want to get healthyand you want to like and it's
and it's like you're taking careof, like a, your inner child.
I guess you know you can callit that, or yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah, yeah, those parts of you that didn't get the
love and care back then, yeahyeah.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
And so kindness and compassion, I think, are just
undervalued, underserved habits.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah Well, I think that women need to cultivate,
yeah, I think around, yes, dietculture, I think around mental
wellness, I think around, yeah,our appearance.
It's like we're so used to sortof comparing but also then
criticizing.
So you know, I think a piece ofthis self-compassion too is
(16:12):
that mindful awareness.
It's like we are becoming moreaware of what we're telling
ourselves, how we're treatingourselves Like.
I can remember I don't know ifyou're familiar with Kristen
Neff's work, but she's so, yeah,that she's all all about
self-compassion.
And I remember you know hearingher saying like self-compassion
(16:36):
.
And I remember you know hearingher saying like would you like
one of her exercises?
The way you talk to yourself?
Would you ever say that to one,to a friend, but two to a total
stranger, somebody you don'tknow?
Would you ever ever talk thatway to them?
And the answer was like no, why?
Of course not.
And I was like, oh right, butit's okay to do that to myself.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Exactly.
Why is it okay?
You would never think abouttalking the way you talk to
yourself to a good friend.
You would never criticize them,even somebody you don't like
probably.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
I mean maybe you would, but you know I am not a
hateful person and yeah, it'sjust like wow hateful person and
yeah, it's just like, wow, howis that okay?
Speaker 1 (17:18):
But yeah, so kindness and compassion, I think, are
the key, almost like the numberone things that you have to have
.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, as a self-care tool almost.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
As a self-care tool.
I think that that is.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
you know, if you want to think of it as like a
toolbox of things that you'recarrying around with you, yeah,
and I think one of the hardestparts of that is often people
you know my clients will say butif I'm nice to myself, then how
am I ever going to get better?
How am I ever going to do thisbetter?
How am I ever going to actuallylose weight or, you know, never
(17:53):
make a mistake again.
And the reality is like we'renot perfect right.
We will make another mistakepotentially.
And if we can relate toourselves with kindness you know
, whether it's around food andeating or around just life that
(18:14):
actually helps us make changewhen we can offer that care and
kindness.
And there's research that showsthat.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Yes, there is research and I love research, so
I love science, I love evidence, and there is research to show
that that is like being kind andcompassionate to yourself is
much more effective than whatyou just said.
You know, like that, yourclients are like if I'm not
beating myself up, how am Igoing to, how am I going to get
myself to change?
Which you know, as you saidthat out loud, I'm like that
(18:44):
sounds ridiculous, but that ishow I used to be with myself and
that is how many many women arewith themselves, right, I mean,
if they're not hard onthemselves, if they're not like
beating themselves up, yeah,yeah, I mean I just have to be
kind to myself and that's yes,yes, that is so much more
(19:05):
effective, it's so much.
I think it's so much longerlasting than beating yourself up
, so much longer lasting thanbeating yourself up.
But how do you get then?
So you know, how do you getyour clients to go from like
that beating up themselves toreally embracing and practicing
(19:25):
compassion and self-kindness?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Well, a lot of, particularly with therapy
clients.
But coaching clients, too, isreally looking back at the
messaging they received when, ifthey were making mistakes or
overeating or not eating healthyfood like, what were the
(19:51):
caregivers to support people inyour life?
What were the messages that youwere given?
Right, because often what we'retelling ourselves is stuff
we've internalized from others,right?
So it's like having anawareness of kind of repeating
the patterns that were set inplace back in the day when we
(20:11):
were kids, and so being able tomeet those you know and then,
well, and often then I willreflect to them like well, is
that how you're?
You know, if they're parents,is that how you're treating your
own children?
And they'd be like no, ofcourse not.
Why would I?
I would never do that.
I was like all right, so howabout?
(20:35):
What would it be like to thenoffer what you give your
children or what you give yourbest friend to yourself?
And it can be gentle, it can beif that feels too hard, like if
the idea of being kind tomyself feels so difficult that
it's almost you know, it'salmost rejected, like we can't
(20:55):
even take that in, because forsome people, that is true it
just feels so foreign or souncomfortable that I'll say well
, what about what would a friendsay to you right now?
You know, can you internalizethat?
Or how would your, if your dogcould talk, that you know loves
(21:16):
you to death unconditionally,how would he respond to your
suffering?
And can you give yourself that?
And it could be a, you know, aninanimate object, or you know
it could be a tree, whatever.
But being able to really hearwhat someone else would say to
you when you're struggling andoffer that to yourself and then,
(21:40):
as that becomes morecomfortable, then making it
really come from you, from yourheart.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Yeah, starting from like a foundation of kindness
and compassion and then going.
It's not that you have toaccept like the weight that
you're at or the I mean right,we don't have to like
necessarily accept these things.
But if we come at it from thiskind and compassionate angle and
then look to maybe lose weightor get in better shape or
(22:09):
whatever the goal is, it's justa much better experience.
I mean, it's just a much nicerexperience.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Right, right, well, and I think I think too, for
some people that they seeself-kindness is like a, like a
panacea, right, oh, everything'sfine, you're good, no worries,
and it's not that right.
It's like it feels really hardthat I broke my diet or that I'm
not at the weight I want to be.
(22:37):
And can I be with how hard thatis and offer myself compassion
around that?
Like this feels really hard,that I'm 10 pounds or whatever
it is that I'm heavier than Iwant to be.
But can I recognize that I'mnot alone in this, that I have
(22:57):
the choice of how I talk tomyself around how hard it is?
Like I could be terrible andtell myself how awful I am for
not sticking to this diet, or Icould say, gosh, that was really
.
It's so hard to stay with thisdiet and it feels really hard
that I'm not where I want to be.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Yeah, Losing weight is hard.
It is.
It's challenging.
It's challenging when we're inmidlife, where it can get hard,
but let's keep going.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, well, and if and, and maybe through the
self-kindness, there's a weightthat you can find that works,
that maybe isn't as severe ordrastic, you know that can be a
place that you can find comfortin and be okay with some
acceptance around, like for methat's been a challenge in
(23:48):
midlife.
You know that.
That, yeah, my body isdefinitely a different shape and
I and the weight I was probably10 years ago, I've I've gained
weight, but I recognize to, to,to nourish my body in the way I
want to like to feed it so thatI get the nutrition I need, but
also the enjoyment that I I lovefood, so to get the enjoyment,
(24:12):
like all right.
So I'm going to buy someclothes that fit me comfortably
now and I'm okay with that.
But yeah, but that took sometime to get there.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Right, being okay where you are right now and then
if you lose weight, great, Imean right.
Besides the, you know havingthe self-compassion and the bone
(24:48):
, you know, I mean theself-compassion and kindness um,
I was thinking about boundaries, oh, yeah, also.
Yeah, which I know is, you know, a big one for a lot of women.
You know, saying yes when youmean to say no, that's's been
something for me, at least, thatI have been, has definitely
(25:09):
been top of mind for the lastcouple of years is, you know, no
is a complete sentence andbeing really okay with that.
And you know what, what do youdo?
You think that that's a that'sa big one for women in midlife?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
I do.
I think that boundaries are astruggle for women in general.
I think we are raised to bepeople pleasers and be the
caregivers and take care ofothers before we take care of
our own needs.
And you know society needs thatand we also can do that, you
(25:46):
know, do our caregiving and takecare of ourselves too.
And so that does mean settingboundaries and saying no.
I think what is very hard formany women, especially I am
highly sensitive so especiallyfor highly sensitive women is
we're so concerned about hurtingother people's feelings.
We're so worried about howothers will feel if I say no.
(26:12):
What will happen to thatrelationship if I set this
boundary?
And a lot of the work that I dowith clients is like allowing
them to see that they're sort oftwisting to accommodate others
really harms themselves and therelationship, because then the
(26:32):
people in their lives come toexpect this sort of selfless
energy and you end up feelingdepleted, resentful.
Yeah, the relationship doesn'tfeel uh reciprocal anymore.
And so I do see like helpingwomen find a way to create
(26:56):
boundaries that work for thembecause it's not the same for
everybody but also recognizingsometimes, when we begin this
process of creating healthierboundaries for ourselves,
sometimes some relationships dofall away and that's really hard
and sometimes it's necessary.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What do you think is behind the lack of boundaries or
saying yes when you want to sayno?
I mean, where does that?
Does that come from?
Something from our past?
Is it just we're just borncaretakers and I mean I know
that you've, I'm sure for a lotof women they feel very useful
(27:38):
or needed or wanted.
Yeah, but it is, yeah.
I mean that's just the oppositesometimes of self-care.
Where do you think that stemsfrom?
So women can understand this.
So I think it's important toknow where the origins of it are
(27:58):
right.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, well, I think there is a big cultural message,
at least for women of ourgeneration, Like there's a
cultural message around sort ofselflessness as being the ideal
for women, like you are thegiver, you're the caretaker, you
are the selfless person.
And I think religion hassomething to do with that too.
(28:21):
Right, being selfless, helpfulpeople and being helpful in a
caregiver and you know, selflessat times can be lovely, but if
we're constantly taking care ofother people's needs to the
detriment of our own, we end upwell, oftentimes sick.
(28:43):
You know it can result inoftentimes sick.
You know it can result in, likephysical illness because we're
not taking care of both ourphysical and our emotional needs
.
And so it benefits everybody ifwe're setting boundaries
because one we're in a betterplace to take care of the people
(29:04):
in our lives that need takingcare.
You know, because we like totake care of people, most women,
I think you know that thattends that may be a genetic
component, a component of who weare, but but for a lot of
people, like if we're you know,my mom used to always talk about
burning the candle at both ends, right Like if we're just using
(29:25):
up all the energy on everybodyelse, there's nothing left for
us, and so then we're not doingwhatever caregiving we might
want to do.
Coming from a place from ourheart right.
It's coming out of obligationor resentment, or even anger.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yeah, I mean you have to be good with yourself first.
I mean physically, mentally,right, rested all the self-care
things before you can take careof others.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Right, and I think that's where the boundaries come
in.
And some women can, I guess canthink that it feels very
selfish, but it's reallyself-care.
Speaker 2 (30:04):
Yes, yes, and I think that sort of that idea that
taking care of yourself isselfish, like I don't know.
There were times in my lifewhere I would get so angry at my
husband because it was so easyfor him just to be like, well,
I'm going to go whatever playgolf or whatever, it was right,
I'm going to go hang out with myfriends, and I'd be like how do
(30:25):
you just like do that withoutworrying about what everybody
else is thinking?
I'm like wow what a great placeto be right, where I can, not to
hurt other people, but to justsay this is what I need right
now, and so yes.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Yeah, it feels so foreign?
Speaker 2 (30:40):
It does, it does and it takes practice.
I mean, that's the other thing,is it, you know, to be better
at holding your boundaries?
It takes practice putting themin place, and sometimes we're
good at it and sometimes we'renot, and having compassion with
ourselves when we say yes tosomething we really didn't want
(31:01):
to do, you know, and say whoops,you know it's not my best
moment, but next time I willlearn from this and be better.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah, so I think any other keys I mean I think we
talked about boundaries,self-care, compassion, kindness,
yeah, so we talk about just youknow the just changes going on
in midlife.
Any other key, you know?
Takeaways for women in midlife,just to you know, I think these
are all like good talkingpoints.
You know takeaways for women inmidlife, just to you know, I
(31:32):
think these are all like goodtalking points, you know, or
just all like these kind ofbuzzwords to focus on.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
What else do you see and anything else that's we
didn't cover the one thing Ilike to share with clients too,
or just you know, to live it'slike change is possible for us,
no matter where we are in ourlife, right, no matter what age
or stage.
We have an opportunity to makechanges if we choose to and also
(32:07):
, obviously, if we have theresources to do that.
But even that change can beinternal change, right, it
doesn't have to be physical,like I don't necessarily mean
you can move or change careers,but you can shift how you relate
to yourself and how you relateto others.
At any time in your life thosechanges are possible.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
That's very good wise words, maybe to add.
So I mean I think that's yeah,I mean change is possible.
We're not stuck where we are.
Even if we might be in a jobthat we can't just leave, or a
physical location, geographiclocation, we have the power
right in us to even justinternally make changes.
(32:51):
Yeah, and that's reallyimportant, biz, thank you very
much.
I wanted to just share with myaudience how do they get in
touch with you if they want toreach out and maybe do some more
work with you.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Perfect.
So I am a therapist that'slicensed in Maryland and
Delaware and my website for thatis progressioncounselingcom, so
you can find me there.
But I am also, like I said, alife coach Coach feels like an
awfully strong word, but a guide, a mentor for highly sensitive
women, and you can find that atelizabethcushcom, and Cush is
(33:29):
spelled with a C.
Often AI just turns my lastname into K-U-S-H, but it's not.
But yeah, you can find me inboth places.
I don't know when this episodewill air, but I just began
offering sort of a meetup forhighly sensitive women at a very
moderate price.
We'll meet virtually March 14th, eastern Time 1215.
(33:53):
And that's open right now forregistration, if people are
interested and if this goes live.
After that I'm going to beoffering those more often and
you can get on my mailing listand find out more.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
Okay, great, so this is an ongoing meeting.
It will be, yes, okay, butyou're starting March 14th, okay
, great.
Let me just ask you before weend I know you've mentioned
highly sensitive people orhighly sensitive women.
Just give me a sentence aboutthat.
How do you define someone who'shighly sensitive?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Yeah, so being highly sensitive is actually like a
genetic trait.
It is something we're born withand so we.
As a highly sensitive person,you take in sensory information
at a sort of a deeper level thanthe average person.
So it could be.
(34:46):
You know so.
Through your five senses youmay smell things more distinctly
.
Bad odors may impact you morepowerfully.
Hearing like sound could be.
If you're in a really loudplace, that can be overwhelming.
Bright lights, lots of colors,lots of people.
As highly sensitive women, youmay find that you get
(35:08):
overwhelmed by environmentalstimulus more easily than the
average person you may haveheard growing up.
You're just too sensitive.
You need to get over it.
You feel too much.
You shouldn't feel so much,yeah, so if you can recall
hearing those things as a kid,you can go to.
I think it's called, I thinkthe website is hspersoncom.
(35:32):
Elaine Aron is the one who'sdone a lot of the research.
But there's like a littleself-quiz that you can take that
highlights the points where youknow it identifies whether
you're highly sensitive or not,and you know it shows up
differently for each person.
You know what you're moresensitive to.
But it's another area where, ifwe can find compassion for our
(35:56):
sensitivities.
It helps us live in the worldin a much more easeful way.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Right, Okay, so having acceptance.
So, for example, if my husbandis chewing something crunchy and
that drives me crazy yes, I'mjust kind of making a joke, but
I know I mean cause I, some ofthose things can drive me really
crazy and I think I'm highlysensitive to things like that
but yeah, no, I understand thathighly.
(36:24):
Yeah, the highly sensitivetraits.
So that's good to understand.
I'm glad I asked you that rightat the slip, that in before we
ended.
So, Biz, thank you so much.
This was a great conversationand I think my audience will
have a lot to work with.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yeah, and I just want to say too, I have a podcast as
well.
It's the Awaken your Wise Womanpodcast.
People can find me there and onInstagram at Awaken your Wise
Woman.
So there you go, all the pieces.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
I will put all of those links in the show notes so
people can get that all throughthere.
Okay, great, thanks so much.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Thanks.
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