October 31, 2024 • 23 mins
In today’s episode, Ben and Jim dive into the topic of self-perception and how it can sometimes stray far from reality. Whether it’s the inner critic that says we’re not enough or that old friend called self-doubt, they unpack how self-perception can skew our understanding of who we truly are.
Topics covered:
- Ben and Jim’s College Days: Reflecting on perceptions of confidence and the hidden inner doubts.
- Family and Self-Worth: Jim opens up about the struggle of feeling like he’s not “providing enough” and how that affects his view of himself as a husband and father.
- Facing Inner Lies: Discussing how easy it is to believe negative thoughts about ourselves, even when they’re far from the truth.
- Insights from Amy Morin’s Book: Jim shares takeaways from 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do and how it’s helping him reframe self-perception.
- Encouragement for Listeners: The importance of listening to the positive affirmations from friends and family, instead of believing the lies our minds can tell us.
Tune in as Ben and Jim explore how to break free from self-limiting beliefs and embrace the love and encouragement of those around us. As always, remember: Real Men Hug, and sometimes they just need to hear they’re doing better than they think.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ben (00:01):
Welcome to Real Men Hug, a podcast for men and the women
who love them.
I'm Ben.
Jim (00:08):
and I'm Jim.
Welcome I
Ben (00:15):
I didn't expect that one.
Are you underwater over
Jim (00:18):
I just wanted to throw back to our last episode where
compared you to Jar Jar Binks.
Ben (00:23):
sound like you're underwater
Jim (00:25):
Sure.
Ben (00:28):
Man, the audio spikes on that are real.
That'll be fun to edit.
Well, thank you for joining uson today's episode of Real Men
Hug.
Today, we are going to be divinginto the topic.
Jim (00:42):
Diving,
Ben (00:43):
there?
I didn't even try to do that.
That
Jim (00:46):
and then I interrupted you.
Ben (00:47):
That's great.
And before we jump into today'sepisode, just wanted to give a
little bit of a trigger warningthat we do mention some suicidal
ideation, nothing terribly deep,but it is a topic that we broach
and just want to make you awareof it Before we get started.
Today, we're going to be divinginto the topic of self
(01:08):
perception.
Have you ever had a moment whereyour perception of yourself was
just Not in line with otherpeople's view of you, perhaps
the way you saw yourself wasjust so much less than how
somebody else perceived you.
It's just kind of this weird,kind of yuck feeling in those
(01:31):
moments.
You strike me as somebody whohas a pretty high level of self
confidence going back to ourcollege days.
I just remember you as beingsomebody who had no problem just
putting himself out there.
You, you know how to make peoplelaugh.
(01:51):
To me, you always struck me assomebody who had a lot of
confidence.
Somebody that I wanted to belike and I had a very high
perception of you in college andStill have a very high
perception of you to this dayYou're just a solid guy and I
have a lot of respect for you Soi'm curious does that line up
(02:15):
with how you see yourself?
Jim (02:18):
does that line up with how you see yourself?
I have been on the side where Iprobably was overly confident
(02:40):
and had maybe a higher opinionof myself than even was
necessarily warranted in a givenspace, but during that time,
there was still some self doubt.
And there was still that sort ofinner dialogue that was telling
me that I was less than.
I don't want to call it a showbecause it was.
(03:02):
Who I, who I was, I think Ijust, I was a very extroverted
guy.
I like to make people laugh.
And so I think some people sawthat as, as in enduring
confidence that never falteredand that wasn't necessarily
always the case, but.
That being said, during mycollege years, you're probably
(03:23):
pretty close to accurate.
I had some self doubt here andthere, but for the most part, I
was happy and living my bestlife because college was
perfectly suited for me.
People everywhere, I was veryextroverted.
Friends at Arms reach anywhereyou go.
(03:44):
It was just my jam and I lovethe time that I was able to be
an RD, a resident director, forthose who don't know.
I was very involved in studentlife and just a love Being
around people.
I love helping people.
So it was like my prime space tobe able to thrive.
(04:05):
So when you first met me, Ithink that that was true.
I think I was also definitelygetting over the high school
ego.
And I think that that wassomething that I had
specifically challenged myselfto be like, okay, you're not All
that, you know, there are there,let's try to center ourselves
(04:27):
and think more about otherpeople and how you can help
them.
That was something that I reallywas intentionally trying to do
during college.
So, but I always was surprised,right?
Like I had, even now, like, um,people will come up to me like
my, my sister in law.
Um, the one most recently.
(04:49):
Who married into the family.
She was kind of a part of thesame youth group, and she was
like, oh yeah, like everybodyknew who you were.
And I had heard that before, butto me it was just like I had a
group of friends and we hung outand I never felt like I was a
clique.
Right?
Because I even think, actuallyone of my ex-girlfriends, she
(05:10):
just kind of walked up and Ithink she might have literally
said, Hey, like, can I be yourfriend?
Or can like can I hang out withyou guys to kind of the like the
three or four core people of us?
And we were like, yeah sure andI feel like we would have done
that with anybody you want tocome hang them Hang out with us,
(05:31):
but to other people they theysaw our group as sort of this
impenetrable Oh, yeah, likethat's the cool group or
whatever and I never I never sawmyself That way, nor did I feel
like I was intentionallyexcluding people.
So I'm kind of curious with yourexperience, because for me,
(05:52):
college, it was a new thing.
So nobody knew who I was.
And if you remember thatactually is kind of how our
friendship started that becausenobody knew who I was, I didn't
have a built up enoughreputation where, when somebody
was intentionally spreading liesabout me.
People didn't know who tobelieve right away, and I pretty
much lost all of my friends fora short while there, so, I don't
(06:14):
know what your perception of mewas at that time, but
Ben (06:19):
I recognized that, um.
had a judgment call to make do Ibuy into the lies that are being
spread about this guy?
And by the way, from the start,I kind of figured they were just
nonsense and I didn't put a lotof weight into them, but there
(06:41):
was that element of, well, whatif, what if they These things
are true.
I couldn't tell you what therumors or lies were, but I just
remember having to make thatcall.
But then I was just like, itjust doesn't line up with what I
know of Jim so far.
I haven't spent a ton of timewith him, but I don't.
(07:03):
really think this could be true.
It was very much a decision thatI had to make.
And I think we all have to makethose calls and We hope that our
perception of others is in linewith how they perceive
themselves.
Just hearing you talk about thattime, it's interesting to me
(07:24):
because there was definitelythis sense of you were trying to
present yourself to me in a way.
and I was seeing that andhearing people present you in a
different way.
I'm just grateful that.
Who you were presenting yourselfto be was in line with who you
(07:47):
were and who you perceivedyourself to be in that time.
And 20 years later, here we are,but that's not always how it
works out.
Like, What if you didn't have anaccurate perception of yourself
in that moment?
I think things would have turnedout very different.
So can you tell me about a timein your life maybe after college
(08:10):
where perhaps things weren't sonicely lined up like that?
Jim (08:16):
Yeah, I think the darkest time in my life and this is
where we get into a little bitof that trigger warning.
Um, when my wife and I werereally going through it and we
were in South Carolina, sort ofestranged from everything that
we know and love and all thepeople that care about us.
(08:37):
That was the toughest time forus to go through.
And I think my wife would sayshe had gotten to the point
where things were, were so grimthat she was kind of thinking,
My husband would be better offwithout me, my kids would be
better off without me, and thatwas where her brain had taken
her that hey, this world wouldbe a better place without me in
(09:00):
it.
We eventually realized maybe sheneeds to get some help and she
had some postpartum depressionthat was, I think, contributing
to that thought process.
My brain is too quick, I think,for me to convince myself that
my family would be better offwithout me because I know the
role that I play in my wife'smental health.
(09:21):
How involved I have been as afather to my kids, there's no
mental gymnastics that I thinkthat I could do anyways, where
my brain would tell me that myfamily would be better off
without me.
But I do know that for quitesome time, especially as I've
gone through a lot of these.
(09:42):
transitions, my brain has toldme if you did better, if you
could have been more successfulin your career or pushed harder
or whatever the case may havebeen when I stepped into some of
these careers and I fail timeand time again.
(10:02):
If you had been able to do that,that's where that your family
would be better off.
What sort of mentality sneaks inlike if you could have just been
more successful, your wifewouldn't have to work and then
her back wouldn't be so bad fromhaving to do a literally back
breaking job and she'd be ableto manage her migraines better
and she would be able to focusmore on our kids and so that she
(10:26):
would have been more presentfrom them.
She could have been a stay athome mom and then my kids would
have been more mentally healthybecause they had a mom that was
present and we'd be able to goon more vacations.
Cations and be able tocontribute to the family in that
way.
And so my kids would be happierand more secure and more
healthy.
And if, if I just did better, ifI would have been able to
(10:49):
achieve more, if I would havebeen smarter, if I would have
been more driven, if I wouldhave made better choices along
the way.
My family would do better, andit's my fault that they're not
doing better, that if it weren'tfor me and my failures, my
family would be in a betterspot.
That's, that's where my braintricks me, because when you ask
(11:14):
my wife, Or my kids or anybodywho knows me, it's like, no,
you're, you are such animportant part of this family.
And it's the fact that youchoose us over that shiny career
that we are doing as well as weare.
But my brain struggles to absorbthat encouragement.
Ben (11:38):
Why do you think it's easier for your brain End To
hold on to those messages offailure and it's your fault Jim
You effed this up.
Why is that so much more real toyou?
than The success of being thegreat dad the great husband the
(11:59):
great provider that you are
Jim (12:02):
I'm a good dad.
You heard it on air.
I'm a good dad.
I can say that and I do believeit.
I am not just saying that as anexercise.
I know that I'm a good dad.
I know that I'm a good husband.
I can accept these things.
I, I put a lot of time andenergy into Thought and
(12:23):
decisions that I make in my lifehave always been about what is
the best thing for my family,the best thing for my wife, the
best thing for my kids.
It's not that I'm incapable ofseeing the good.
I know that the good is there,but.
The, the negativity is louder,that voice is louder.
(12:49):
I can believe and know that I'ma good dad, but there's this
persistent voice that's tellingme that I'm not good enough.
Or even sometimes I can thinklike, I don't know, maybe if my
wife would have married somebodyelse who was a little bit more
driven.
My brain again is a little tooquick for that and it's like
(13:10):
your wife didn't need money.
She needed mental support.
Ben (13:15):
And she found that, with you.
Jim (13:17):
I don't know how to answer your question.
I think it's because, because Iprioritize my family so much,
those are the things, thefailures that.
My brain focuses on the most.
I can fail in other areas andit's not a problem, but because
my numero uno priority isletting my wife and kids have
(13:41):
the best life when I'm not doingsomething that could make things
better for my family.
It's on surround sound in mybrain that if you would have
done that different, if youwould have done that better,
your family would be better offand you are failing in your one
and only goal above all elsethat.
(14:02):
You're trying to strive for abetter life for these kids.
So good dad, good husband.
Yes, but it could be a lotbetter.
A lot of these stresses thatwe're going through right now
are financial or financialthings could fix the problems.
And so it's my fault.
Ben (14:24):
Why does that have to be your fault?
I think 90 percent of all peopleout there, maybe even closer to
100 percent of people, evenlistening to the show would say
that if they had just a littlebit more money, they would have
less problems.
And so, yeah, of course, if, ifJim made a little bit more
(14:44):
money, that would free Jim up tobe better in certain areas.
But.
Jim's pretty damn amazing in alot of different ways and is
showing up for not only hisimmediate family but also his
family of origin and is going toleave recording here today to go
spend time with one of hisbrothers who's going through a
(15:06):
difficult time and I'm listeningto Jim today tell me of all the
ways that he's frankly rockingit in life and then I hear how
Jim talks negatively abouthimself.
What if the truth was somewherebetween the thoughts you think
about yourself and the thoughtsthat others around you think of
(15:30):
you?
And what if the true perceptionof who Jim is was actually
closer to the way othersperceive you?
Jim (15:41):
I've had some people that are close to me, offer me that
encouragement.
I remember a conversation withsomebody that after I, I want to
be careful with my words here.
I don't want to say failed atEdward Jones, but when that
opportunity didn't pan out theway that I had hoped, I did do a
(16:02):
really good job.
It just ended up not being thatcareer.
This friend talked to me and hadmentioned how, It really is
something that at the end of theday, prioritizing your family
and your mental health is moreimportant than being a
successful financial advisor oreven having financial freedom in
(16:26):
life, because when that is yoursole focus, and this particular
person had very, close ties andexperiences where As they talked
to me, it held some extra weightbecause they had seen the impact
of the opposite in their life.
When you have a laser focus onbeing the best in a career at,
(16:49):
at no cost, including the impactthat it has on your family, you
can ruin your life without evenrealizing it and you're
successful, but.
At what cost?
And that cost is your, yourfamily.
And so the fact that I saw theimpact that it had on my mental
(17:11):
health and that it wasn'tworking for my family, that it
was changing who I was as aperson, it, it is a strength
that I was able to bow out andrecognize, you know what, this
isn't working.
I need to step back.
And my wife doesn't care.
She keeps telling me, we'refine.
(17:32):
I don't need you to pull in tonsof money.
Would I like to work less?
Sure, but I can rest easyknowing that I have a husband
who is always going to pick usfirst.
And that is more important to methan anything else.
I'm trying to believe it andaccept it.
(17:55):
And I know that it's better tohave that drive.
And I'm, I'm working on it.
I'm, I'm working on trying tosee myself in a more positive
light and recognize that thethings that I see as a weakness
are actually my greateststrength and that it's gonna be
(18:15):
okay.
Ben (18:16):
Yes, you mentioned that you're reading a book and I was
wondering if this book has anybearing on what you're
discovering about yourselflately.
Can you speak to that a littlebit perhaps?
Has this book that you'rereading influenced how you see
yourself?
Jim (18:35):
The book is 13 things that mentally strong people don't do
by Amy Morin.
I was recognizing that I wasgetting stuck, right?
I've been to counseling.
I've talked to some other folks.
And I just couldn't get myselfout of that sort of pity party
that I was stuck in, but I'll behonest.
(18:56):
I tend to have a bias whenpeople with privilege in their
life try to tell me, well, youjust need to do this or you need
to do that.
I think like you don't.
You have no clue.
You haven't, you haven't reallyfailed at anything.
And they talk about how theyquote unquote failed along the
way while living a lifestylethat I have literally never
(19:18):
known to this day.
And they hit it big when theywere in their like early
thirties.
I'm like, girlfriend, that isnot what I'm talking about.
I am talking about, you havebeen busting your ass for 10
years and.
Every single time it fellthrough Amy Morin does a really
good job of saying, you knowWhat life is harder for some
(19:40):
people your circumstance mightactually be worse than most of
the people that around you Butyou're not doing yourself any
good by throwing a pity partyevery day over how terrible
those things are What good isthat gonna do you?
I wish I could remember even oneof the 13 things that she says
right now because it's been acouple weeks You Everything's
(20:01):
been kind of crazy.
I haven't read it in a couple ofweeks, but it just helped me
kind of realize like, Hey, it'sokay to not be okay.
And yeah, it might not be fair,but how can you move forward
from that and focus on the goodthings that are happening in
your life and move forward andhelp today be a better day than
it was yesterday.
(20:22):
And that has been a mentalitythat has helped me get to a
better space where I canacknowledge that.
Life isn't fair.
Some people are just born into aposition where they, they will
never have to deal with thelevel of stress that I face,
even on my best day, justbecause of the position that
(20:43):
they found themselves in.
And sometimes it's just stupidluck, but who cares?
Yep.
Life's not fair, but why beatyourself up over the fact that
it was easier for somebody else?
Why beat yourself up that thatperson thinks that.
It's because of the rightdecisions they have made along
the way that they are the waythey are.
(21:04):
I'm glad that they have beenable to find success and that
they're happy in it.
And maybe they're helping otherpeople along the way that their
advice is pushing them.
If Dave Ramsey is helpful foryou, then great for you, but
it's not for everybody.
So what can I do to get myselfin a better space mentally and
(21:25):
stop allowing other people'svoices to impact how I think
about myself?
Ben (21:30):
that is so good.
It's so good to hear from youbecause I know that's been a big
struggle for you over the lastyear.
So just hearing you share thatupdate has been encouraging.
I'm, I'm really happy to hearthat from you.
Jim (21:45):
Yeah.
Thanks, Amy Morin.
She does have a podcast too.
So if that's something that youstruggle with as well, that is a
big part of what she does ishelping people, be mentally
strong and make smart, healthydecisions for themselves
mentally.
So can't remember the name ofher podcast either, but if you
Google Amy Morin podcast, I'msure it'll pop up.
Ben (22:07):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us on today's episode of
Real Men Hug.
And Jim, thanks for opening upand getting real with us about
the way that you see yourselfversus the way that others see
you.
Thank you for sharing yourstory, Melissa's story.
I know you guys have beenthrough it.
And I just love how both of youare committed to using your
(22:30):
stories to encourage others andto show that there's hope out
there.
Thanks for being with us today.
Jim (22:36):
Absolutely.
And remember real man hug, butthey also, I was really hoping
that my brain would throw me a
Ben (22:46):
Her dee der.
Jim (22:48):
it's going to be a good one.
It's coming.
And remember real man hug, butthey also listen to the positive
affirmations of the friends andfamily that surround them.
And they don't believe the liesthat their brains tell
themselves.
Ben (23:09):
Real Men Hug and they also make sure to balance others
perceptions of themselves withtheir own
Jim (23:19):
Yep.
Welcome to Real Men Hug, a podcast for men and the women
who love them.
I'm Ben.
Jim (00:08):
and I'm Jim.
Welcome I
Ben (00:15):
I didn't expect that one.
Are you underwater over
Jim (00:18):
I just wanted to throw back to our last episode where
compared you to Jar Jar Binks.
Ben (00:23):
sound like you're underwater
Jim (00:25):
Sure.
Ben (00:28):
Man, the audio spikes on that are real.
That'll be fun to edit.
Well, thank you for joining uson today's episode of Real Men
Hug.
Today, we are going to be divinginto the topic.
Jim (00:42):
Diving,
Ben (00:43):
there?
I didn't even try to do that.
That
Jim (00:46):
and then I interrupted you.
Ben (00:47):
That's great.
And before we jump into today'sepisode, just wanted to give a
little bit of a trigger warningthat we do mention some suicidal
ideation, nothing terribly deep,but it is a topic that we broach
and just want to make you awareof it Before we get started.
Today, we're going to be divinginto the topic of self
(01:08):
perception.
Have you ever had a moment whereyour perception of yourself was
just Not in line with otherpeople's view of you, perhaps
the way you saw yourself wasjust so much less than how
somebody else perceived you.
It's just kind of this weird,kind of yuck feeling in those
(01:31):
moments.
You strike me as somebody whohas a pretty high level of self
confidence going back to ourcollege days.
I just remember you as beingsomebody who had no problem just
putting himself out there.
You, you know how to make peoplelaugh.
(01:51):
To me, you always struck me assomebody who had a lot of
confidence.
Somebody that I wanted to belike and I had a very high
perception of you in college andStill have a very high
perception of you to this dayYou're just a solid guy and I
have a lot of respect for you Soi'm curious does that line up
(02:15):
with how you see yourself?
Jim (02:18):
does that line up with how you see yourself?
I have been on the side where Iprobably was overly confident
(02:40):
and had maybe a higher opinionof myself than even was
necessarily warranted in a givenspace, but during that time,
there was still some self doubt.
And there was still that sort ofinner dialogue that was telling
me that I was less than.
I don't want to call it a showbecause it was.
(03:02):
Who I, who I was, I think Ijust, I was a very extroverted
guy.
I like to make people laugh.
And so I think some people sawthat as, as in enduring
confidence that never falteredand that wasn't necessarily
always the case, but.
That being said, during mycollege years, you're probably
(03:23):
pretty close to accurate.
I had some self doubt here andthere, but for the most part, I
was happy and living my bestlife because college was
perfectly suited for me.
People everywhere, I was veryextroverted.
Friends at Arms reach anywhereyou go.
(03:44):
It was just my jam and I lovethe time that I was able to be
an RD, a resident director, forthose who don't know.
I was very involved in studentlife and just a love Being
around people.
I love helping people.
So it was like my prime space tobe able to thrive.
(04:05):
So when you first met me, Ithink that that was true.
I think I was also definitelygetting over the high school
ego.
And I think that that wassomething that I had
specifically challenged myselfto be like, okay, you're not All
that, you know, there are there,let's try to center ourselves
(04:27):
and think more about otherpeople and how you can help
them.
That was something that I reallywas intentionally trying to do
during college.
So, but I always was surprised,right?
Like I had, even now, like, um,people will come up to me like
my, my sister in law.
Um, the one most recently.
(04:49):
Who married into the family.
She was kind of a part of thesame youth group, and she was
like, oh yeah, like everybodyknew who you were.
And I had heard that before, butto me it was just like I had a
group of friends and we hung outand I never felt like I was a
clique.
Right?
Because I even think, actuallyone of my ex-girlfriends, she
(05:10):
just kind of walked up and Ithink she might have literally
said, Hey, like, can I be yourfriend?
Or can like can I hang out withyou guys to kind of the like the
three or four core people of us?
And we were like, yeah sure andI feel like we would have done
that with anybody you want tocome hang them Hang out with us,
(05:31):
but to other people they theysaw our group as sort of this
impenetrable Oh, yeah, likethat's the cool group or
whatever and I never I never sawmyself That way, nor did I feel
like I was intentionallyexcluding people.
So I'm kind of curious with yourexperience, because for me,
(05:52):
college, it was a new thing.
So nobody knew who I was.
And if you remember thatactually is kind of how our
friendship started that becausenobody knew who I was, I didn't
have a built up enoughreputation where, when somebody
was intentionally spreading liesabout me.
People didn't know who tobelieve right away, and I pretty
much lost all of my friends fora short while there, so, I don't
(06:14):
know what your perception of mewas at that time, but
Ben (06:19):
I recognized that, um.
had a judgment call to make do Ibuy into the lies that are being
spread about this guy?
And by the way, from the start,I kind of figured they were just
nonsense and I didn't put a lotof weight into them, but there
(06:41):
was that element of, well, whatif, what if they These things
are true.
I couldn't tell you what therumors or lies were, but I just
remember having to make thatcall.
But then I was just like, itjust doesn't line up with what I
know of Jim so far.
I haven't spent a ton of timewith him, but I don't.
(07:03):
really think this could be true.
It was very much a decision thatI had to make.
And I think we all have to makethose calls and We hope that our
perception of others is in linewith how they perceive
themselves.
Just hearing you talk about thattime, it's interesting to me
(07:24):
because there was definitelythis sense of you were trying to
present yourself to me in a way.
and I was seeing that andhearing people present you in a
different way.
I'm just grateful that.
Who you were presenting yourselfto be was in line with who you
(07:47):
were and who you perceivedyourself to be in that time.
And 20 years later, here we are,but that's not always how it
works out.
Like, What if you didn't have anaccurate perception of yourself
in that moment?
I think things would have turnedout very different.
So can you tell me about a timein your life maybe after college
(08:10):
where perhaps things weren't sonicely lined up like that?
Jim (08:16):
Yeah, I think the darkest time in my life and this is
where we get into a little bitof that trigger warning.
Um, when my wife and I werereally going through it and we
were in South Carolina, sort ofestranged from everything that
we know and love and all thepeople that care about us.
(08:37):
That was the toughest time forus to go through.
And I think my wife would sayshe had gotten to the point
where things were, were so grimthat she was kind of thinking,
My husband would be better offwithout me, my kids would be
better off without me, and thatwas where her brain had taken
her that hey, this world wouldbe a better place without me in
(09:00):
it.
We eventually realized maybe sheneeds to get some help and she
had some postpartum depressionthat was, I think, contributing
to that thought process.
My brain is too quick, I think,for me to convince myself that
my family would be better offwithout me because I know the
role that I play in my wife'smental health.
(09:21):
How involved I have been as afather to my kids, there's no
mental gymnastics that I thinkthat I could do anyways, where
my brain would tell me that myfamily would be better off
without me.
But I do know that for quitesome time, especially as I've
gone through a lot of these.
(09:42):
transitions, my brain has toldme if you did better, if you
could have been more successfulin your career or pushed harder
or whatever the case may havebeen when I stepped into some of
these careers and I fail timeand time again.
(10:02):
If you had been able to do that,that's where that your family
would be better off.
What sort of mentality sneaks inlike if you could have just been
more successful, your wifewouldn't have to work and then
her back wouldn't be so bad fromhaving to do a literally back
breaking job and she'd be ableto manage her migraines better
and she would be able to focusmore on our kids and so that she
(10:26):
would have been more presentfrom them.
She could have been a stay athome mom and then my kids would
have been more mentally healthybecause they had a mom that was
present and we'd be able to goon more vacations.
Cations and be able tocontribute to the family in that
way.
And so my kids would be happierand more secure and more
healthy.
And if, if I just did better, ifI would have been able to
(10:49):
achieve more, if I would havebeen smarter, if I would have
been more driven, if I wouldhave made better choices along
the way.
My family would do better, andit's my fault that they're not
doing better, that if it weren'tfor me and my failures, my
family would be in a betterspot.
That's, that's where my braintricks me, because when you ask
(11:14):
my wife, Or my kids or anybodywho knows me, it's like, no,
you're, you are such animportant part of this family.
And it's the fact that youchoose us over that shiny career
that we are doing as well as weare.
But my brain struggles to absorbthat encouragement.
Ben (11:38):
Why do you think it's easier for your brain End To
hold on to those messages offailure and it's your fault Jim
You effed this up.
Why is that so much more real toyou?
than The success of being thegreat dad the great husband the
(11:59):
great provider that you are
Jim (12:02):
I'm a good dad.
You heard it on air.
I'm a good dad.
I can say that and I do believeit.
I am not just saying that as anexercise.
I know that I'm a good dad.
I know that I'm a good husband.
I can accept these things.
I, I put a lot of time andenergy into Thought and
(12:23):
decisions that I make in my lifehave always been about what is
the best thing for my family,the best thing for my wife, the
best thing for my kids.
It's not that I'm incapable ofseeing the good.
I know that the good is there,but.
The, the negativity is louder,that voice is louder.
(12:49):
I can believe and know that I'ma good dad, but there's this
persistent voice that's tellingme that I'm not good enough.
Or even sometimes I can thinklike, I don't know, maybe if my
wife would have married somebodyelse who was a little bit more
driven.
My brain again is a little tooquick for that and it's like
(13:10):
your wife didn't need money.
She needed mental support.
Ben (13:15):
And she found that, with you.
Jim (13:17):
I don't know how to answer your question.
I think it's because, because Iprioritize my family so much,
those are the things, thefailures that.
My brain focuses on the most.
I can fail in other areas andit's not a problem, but because
my numero uno priority isletting my wife and kids have
(13:41):
the best life when I'm not doingsomething that could make things
better for my family.
It's on surround sound in mybrain that if you would have
done that different, if youwould have done that better,
your family would be better offand you are failing in your one
and only goal above all elsethat.
(14:02):
You're trying to strive for abetter life for these kids.
So good dad, good husband.
Yes, but it could be a lotbetter.
A lot of these stresses thatwe're going through right now
are financial or financialthings could fix the problems.
And so it's my fault.
Ben (14:24):
Why does that have to be your fault?
I think 90 percent of all peopleout there, maybe even closer to
100 percent of people, evenlistening to the show would say
that if they had just a littlebit more money, they would have
less problems.
And so, yeah, of course, if, ifJim made a little bit more
(14:44):
money, that would free Jim up tobe better in certain areas.
But.
Jim's pretty damn amazing in alot of different ways and is
showing up for not only hisimmediate family but also his
family of origin and is going toleave recording here today to go
spend time with one of hisbrothers who's going through a
(15:06):
difficult time and I'm listeningto Jim today tell me of all the
ways that he's frankly rockingit in life and then I hear how
Jim talks negatively abouthimself.
What if the truth was somewherebetween the thoughts you think
about yourself and the thoughtsthat others around you think of
(15:30):
you?
And what if the true perceptionof who Jim is was actually
closer to the way othersperceive you?
Jim (15:41):
I've had some people that are close to me, offer me that
encouragement.
I remember a conversation withsomebody that after I, I want to
be careful with my words here.
I don't want to say failed atEdward Jones, but when that
opportunity didn't pan out theway that I had hoped, I did do a
(16:02):
really good job.
It just ended up not being thatcareer.
This friend talked to me and hadmentioned how, It really is
something that at the end of theday, prioritizing your family
and your mental health is moreimportant than being a
successful financial advisor oreven having financial freedom in
(16:26):
life, because when that is yoursole focus, and this particular
person had very, close ties andexperiences where As they talked
to me, it held some extra weightbecause they had seen the impact
of the opposite in their life.
When you have a laser focus onbeing the best in a career at,
(16:49):
at no cost, including the impactthat it has on your family, you
can ruin your life without evenrealizing it and you're
successful, but.
At what cost?
And that cost is your, yourfamily.
And so the fact that I saw theimpact that it had on my mental
(17:11):
health and that it wasn'tworking for my family, that it
was changing who I was as aperson, it, it is a strength
that I was able to bow out andrecognize, you know what, this
isn't working.
I need to step back.
And my wife doesn't care.
She keeps telling me, we'refine.
(17:32):
I don't need you to pull in tonsof money.
Would I like to work less?
Sure, but I can rest easyknowing that I have a husband
who is always going to pick usfirst.
And that is more important to methan anything else.
I'm trying to believe it andaccept it.
(17:55):
And I know that it's better tohave that drive.
And I'm, I'm working on it.
I'm, I'm working on trying tosee myself in a more positive
light and recognize that thethings that I see as a weakness
are actually my greateststrength and that it's gonna be
(18:15):
okay.
Ben (18:16):
Yes, you mentioned that you're reading a book and I was
wondering if this book has anybearing on what you're
discovering about yourselflately.
Can you speak to that a littlebit perhaps?
Has this book that you'rereading influenced how you see
yourself?
Jim (18:35):
The book is 13 things that mentally strong people don't do
by Amy Morin.
I was recognizing that I wasgetting stuck, right?
I've been to counseling.
I've talked to some other folks.
And I just couldn't get myselfout of that sort of pity party
that I was stuck in, but I'll behonest.
(18:56):
I tend to have a bias whenpeople with privilege in their
life try to tell me, well, youjust need to do this or you need
to do that.
I think like you don't.
You have no clue.
You haven't, you haven't reallyfailed at anything.
And they talk about how theyquote unquote failed along the
way while living a lifestylethat I have literally never
(19:18):
known to this day.
And they hit it big when theywere in their like early
thirties.
I'm like, girlfriend, that isnot what I'm talking about.
I am talking about, you havebeen busting your ass for 10
years and.
Every single time it fellthrough Amy Morin does a really
good job of saying, you knowWhat life is harder for some
(19:40):
people your circumstance mightactually be worse than most of
the people that around you Butyou're not doing yourself any
good by throwing a pity partyevery day over how terrible
those things are What good isthat gonna do you?
I wish I could remember even oneof the 13 things that she says
right now because it's been acouple weeks You Everything's
(20:01):
been kind of crazy.
I haven't read it in a couple ofweeks, but it just helped me
kind of realize like, Hey, it'sokay to not be okay.
And yeah, it might not be fair,but how can you move forward
from that and focus on the goodthings that are happening in
your life and move forward andhelp today be a better day than
it was yesterday.
(20:22):
And that has been a mentalitythat has helped me get to a
better space where I canacknowledge that.
Life isn't fair.
Some people are just born into aposition where they, they will
never have to deal with thelevel of stress that I face,
even on my best day, justbecause of the position that
(20:43):
they found themselves in.
And sometimes it's just stupidluck, but who cares?
Yep.
Life's not fair, but why beatyourself up over the fact that
it was easier for somebody else?
Why beat yourself up that thatperson thinks that.
It's because of the rightdecisions they have made along
the way that they are the waythey are.
(21:04):
I'm glad that they have beenable to find success and that
they're happy in it.
And maybe they're helping otherpeople along the way that their
advice is pushing them.
If Dave Ramsey is helpful foryou, then great for you, but
it's not for everybody.
So what can I do to get myselfin a better space mentally and
(21:25):
stop allowing other people'svoices to impact how I think
about myself?
Ben (21:30):
that is so good.
It's so good to hear from youbecause I know that's been a big
struggle for you over the lastyear.
So just hearing you share thatupdate has been encouraging.
I'm, I'm really happy to hearthat from you.
Jim (21:45):
Yeah.
Thanks, Amy Morin.
She does have a podcast too.
So if that's something that youstruggle with as well, that is a
big part of what she does ishelping people, be mentally
strong and make smart, healthydecisions for themselves
mentally.
So can't remember the name ofher podcast either, but if you
Google Amy Morin podcast, I'msure it'll pop up.
Ben (22:07):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us on today's episode of
Real Men Hug.
And Jim, thanks for opening upand getting real with us about
the way that you see yourselfversus the way that others see
you.
Thank you for sharing yourstory, Melissa's story.
I know you guys have beenthrough it.
And I just love how both of youare committed to using your
(22:30):
stories to encourage others andto show that there's hope out
there.
Thanks for being with us today.
Jim (22:36):
Absolutely.
And remember real man hug, butthey also, I was really hoping
that my brain would throw me a
Ben (22:46):
Her dee der.
Jim (22:48):
it's going to be a good one.
It's coming.
And remember real man hug, butthey also listen to the positive
affirmations of the friends andfamily that surround them.
And they don't believe the liesthat their brains tell
themselves.
Ben (23:09):
Real Men Hug and they also make sure to balance others
perceptions of themselves withtheir own
Jim (23:19):
Yep.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.