The Two Faces of Grief

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Grief doesn't come with a roadmap, but understanding your natural grieving style can help you navigate the journey. In this revealing episode, host Chris Dale breaks down the two primary approaches to grief: analytical and intuitive.

Analytical grievers tend to compartmentalize emotions, focusing on practical tasks while storing feelings away. More common among men, this approach often means going it alone without seeking support. Meanwhile, intuitive grievers process loss through emotional expression, connection with others, and active exploration of their feelings. This style, more typical of women, usually involves seeking counseling, joining support groups, or finding other outlets for emotional processing.

Drawing from personal experience, Chris shares how he embodied both styles at different points after losing his parents and grandmother. When faced with managing his parents' home during the 2008 real estate crash, he had no choice but to store his grief and handle the immediate practical concerns. Only months later did the emotional impact catch up with him. When his grandmother passed away later, he discovered his naturally intuitive grieving style, seeking understanding and connections with others who shared similar experiences.

For financial planners and advisors working with grieving clients, recognizing these different styles is crucial. The most damaging misconception Chris encounters is the belief that clients should "get over" their grief within a specified timeframe. As he powerfully states, "There's no getting over the loss of someone, it's just learning to live life differently." Advisors must adjust their expectations—analytical grievers may move through financial decisions more quickly, while intuitive grievers often need more time and emotional space before tackling practical matters.

Whether you're navigating grief yourself or supporting someone who is, this episode offers valuable insights to understand why we grieve differently and how to honor each person's unique path through loss. Ready to better understand your grief journey? Listen now and discover the knowledge that might just transform your perspective on healing.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to Real Talk with Life After Grief Chris,
where we talk about relevantissues as it relates to
individuals in grief as theynavigate finances and the
advisors who help them.
We help clients in griefnavigate financial matters.
We also teach advisors how toemotionally and financially work
with clients in grief throughan unparalleled process.

(00:24):
This week's podcast issponsored by Life After Grief
Financial Planning and LifeAfter Grief Consulting.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Real Talk
with Life After Grief.
Chris, I am your host.
I'm Chris Dale.
In today's episode, we're goingto be talking about how do I
grieve.
In my experience with grief mypersonal experience with grief I
have nailed down that there aretwo styles of grief analytical

(00:58):
and intuitive.
I think it's careful to notethat they are not mutually
exclusive of each other.
For instance, they can oftenoverlap.
I had the personal experiencewhere I shared experiences of
both For our purposes.
I'm going to give you some veryspecific examples of how I
shared examples of both.
I'm also going to give you indetail what analytical and

(01:20):
intuitive means.
An analytical griever, moreoften than not it's a man, and
men are often taught to kind ofstore their grief and kind of do
away with it.
It's not manly to show emotionto stuff it.
You can kind of get theimpression and more often they

(01:44):
go it alone.
They don't seek help for theirgrief.
They store their emotions,they're very stoic and they just
kind of feel that channelinginto their emotions is not going
to be positive and is going toprevent them from moving.
You know along, from afinancial planner's point of

(02:07):
view, it's important to knowthat an analytical griever, you
can have the expectation of themto move faster.
An intuitive griever is someonewho is more emotional.
They're going to tend to moveslower.
They're also going toassimilate with other
like-minded folks.
They want to find other peoplethat have been through some of

(02:30):
the same things or similar towhat they've been through
emotionally or kind of whattheir expectations are.
They're also, more often thannot, going to seek out some sort
of grief counseling.
Not always, but you can havekind of a high level of
expectation that they are goingto seek out some sort of grief
counseling.
Not always, but you can havekind of a high level of
expectation that they are goingto seek out some sort of grief
counseling.
They're also going to writeabout their feelings.

(02:51):
They're going to seek help andread about their grief.
They're going to tell folksabout their experience.
And again I'm going to connectthe dots by giving you some
specific examples and intuitivegrievers.
If you can say that grief ishealthy or non-healthy in
regards to getting through theformalities of grief, someone

(03:13):
that is emotional gets theirgrief out and that is healthy.
It's better not to store yourgrief.
So with me personally, I had theexperience of both.
After both of my parents passedaway, I had their home to deal

(03:34):
with.
So, in that regard, I had tostore my emotions.
I couldn't focus on my emotionsbecause I had this home that
had a pending debt obligation onit that was not going away, and
this was at the bottom of themarket the real estate market in
2008.
And so I had to just focus onremoving the contents of my

(03:58):
parents' home, preparing it toeither sell or to rent it out,
and renovating it, and so, youcan imagine, I had a lot of
pressure on me financially tomake those decisions, and so I
had to store my grief and I justwent it completely alone.
I got no emotional help fromanyone, I got no financial help.

(04:22):
I just had to get through, andthat's how I felt.
I just had to get through thetime and I had to get to the
point where we ended up rentingmy parents' home.
So I had to get to that nextstep.
After that point you know, itwas probably six to eight months
, and I was starting to come togrips with what was going on and

(04:42):
the emotions hit me.
And I was starting to come togrips with what was going on and
the emotions hit me and Ididn't know how to deal with
them because it was nothing thatI'd ever dealt with before in
my life, and then fast forward,probably a year or so, maybe a
year and a half, after myparents passed away, my
grandmother passed away and Ireally had no idea what to do,

(05:06):
and I've talked about this in anepisode before.
I channeled my personal priest.
At that point, when mygrandmother passed away, I
realized that my natural styleof grieving was intuitive.
I really wanted to understandwhy I was feeling the way that I
was feeling.
I really wanted to find someother people that were like me

(05:31):
and had my experience.
Also, it was very important toknow that at my age, at the time
and when I started kind of thegrief counseling process, there
weren't very many people thatwent through what I had gone
through, and so that wasimportant for me to know.
I had to channel people thatwere significantly older than me

(05:54):
to assimilate and feel very,very comfortable, and so that's
something very important for youto know.
As the financial advisor, Icommonly get advisors that come
to me and say hey, chris, myclient is moving too slow

(06:15):
through their process with grief.
When someone comes to me withthat information, I quickly know
that they have no idea howtheir client grieves.
And I remember the first timean advisor said that to me.
An advisor sought me out at aconference this was probably
three or four years ago and saidthat I had been working with a
client for about a year or twoand she's not getting through

(06:39):
her grief and she's not gettingover the death of her husband.
And sometimes when I encountersituations I have to take a step
back because it kind of stabsme when someone says they're not
getting over the loss of aloved one.
And it's very important to knowwhen you're an advisor there's

(07:00):
no getting over the death of aloved one or some sort of
traumatic grief, it's learninghow to live life differently
Very important.
I'm going to say that again,there's no getting over the loss
of someone, it's just learninghow to live life differently.
In my case, I have learned howto live a different life.

(07:23):
I no longer have the counseland the tutelage of my parents,
my grandmother, and it's notthat I forget, it's that I again
, I've learned to live lifedifferently and I've you know,
look at this and I've said thisbefore I look at it as a gift.
So very, very important for youas an advisor to understand that

(07:46):
if you have a client that is ananalytical griever, it's
feasible to have the expectationthat they're going to move
faster.
There are some instances wherethe client may not miss a beat,
and if you have an intuitivegriever like I was as well it is
highly possible that they aregoing to take a very long time

(08:10):
to move through your financialprocess.
So it's very careful tounderstand that, and I'll give
you an example of a client thatI had that was an intuitive
griever.
I assessed her upon our firstmeeting and she said to me I
know I'm going to move veryslowly through our financial
process.
And I said to her I reassuredher you're right on track with

(08:36):
where I think you should be.
And it gave her some peacebecause she didn't want to feel
like she was dragging me onGenerally said you're okay, what
you're going through iscompletely normal, and so I
think it's very important forclients to understand, because
when you're going through grief,you have no idea what's going
on.
Things are going so fast andit's important to understand.

(09:01):
Okay, are you suppressing youremotions or are you outwardly
expressing your emotions?
It's not good, bad orindifferent either way.
It's just important tounderstand that that is how you
are grieving at this moment andI think you know from a griever
or a client's perspective.
It is important to know that asyou kind of move forward, so

(09:21):
you're just aware of what'sgoing on.
As always, I appreciate youlistening and please feel free
to share this episode Again if Ican help anyone.

(09:42):
That Advisor's Guide forGrieving Clients and there's a
whole realm of informationthat's there that is pertinent
and, frankly, goes hand in handwith this podcast.
It is also important to notethat intuitive grievers usually
tend to be women.
I appreciate your time todayand I'll see you on the next

(10:03):
episode.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
Thanks for listening to our podcast.
If you are a client and arelooking to work directly with
Chris and or our firm, head onover to Life After Grief FP.
That is Life After Grief FP.
The FP is for financialplanning.
That is Life After GriefConsultingcom.

(10:36):
Any related informationreferenced in this week's
podcast will be located here inthe podcast section.