December 9, 2025 • 28 mins
It's the most wonderful time of the year—unless your relationship is in trouble. We're taking an honest look at how affection can ebb and flow in your relationship—especially during busy seasons like the holidays. Whether you consider yourself naturally affectionate or not, you'll learn why intentionally nurturing closeness matters for every couple. We're discussing real-life reasons affection can dip, ranging from plain old busyness and fatigue to unresolved wounds and letting family drama in. Plus, you'll hear practical tips to help your relationship not only avoid these "affection dips," but actually grow stronger and more connected in your marriage or relationship—no matter what time of year it is.
Key Highlights:
-
Why Affection Dips
-
Signs You’re Losing Connection
-
Intentional Steps for Growth
-
Forgiveness & Healing
-
Family Drama & External Voices
Resources Mentioned:
-
Ultimate Couples Guide
Get practical tools to strengthen your relationship: danache.com/ultimatecouple -
Infidelity Intensive
Are you dealing with infidelity in your relationship? Get the help you need to recover from betrayal: danache.com/infidelityintensive -
Episode on Forgiveness:
A step-by-step guide inspired by Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu’s “The Book of Forgiving.” Find the episode at Episode 150.
Listener Review Spotlight:
A longtime listener shares her thoughts on how the Rebuilding Us podcast has helped her and her husband to have more direct and meaningful conversations.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana Shae and welcome to
the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. I really want to start
talking to you about ways to continue to grow in
your affection toward one another. If your relationship is going
(00:23):
to be great, it is going to be because you
put in the work, you put in the intention. How
do you actually have a relationship where you're intentional and
you can connect even through difficult seasons. Hey, friends, it's
Dana se and you're listening to the Rebuilding US podcast.
I want you to think about a time where your
(00:46):
marriage suffered from a lack of affection. Maybe you and
your spouse used to be really cuddly, used to be
really touchy, hands on. Your relationship had a decent amount
of affection, or maybe even a good amount of affection,
but then something happened, whether it was a betrayal or
maybe just what we're going to talk about today, just
the season's changed and you started backing off a little bit,
(01:10):
maybe your spouse started backing off a little bit, and
now you're in a marriage where it just feels very distant,
feels very cold, does not feel warm at all. I
want to talk to you all today about the holiday
affection dip. Now. I laughed when I came up with
this title because I thought about we depending on when
you're listening to this podcast, of course, we are just
(01:32):
a few days past Thanksgiving, and you know how people
save that turkey and then they're like, I'm gonna put
that turkey in some castle role, as if the turkey
is going to taste better in the castle role, even
though it's still eight days old. You know, well, we
do the same thing with holiday dips, or with any
kind of dips. Right, You're just like kind of throwing
in random stuff in there, and then you hope for
(01:54):
the best it's going to taste good because it's a
dip and you can use a chip and it can
be great. Well, I'm not necessarily talk about that kind
of dip. I'm talking about the dip and affection that
we feel or that we experience in our marriages. Now,
right off the bat, I want to give you a
resource because there are so many couples who go through this.
(02:15):
We have ebbs and flows and our marriages. There is
no perfect marriage. There is there is no perfect marriage.
There is not I don't care what that marriage looks
like from the outside. Okay, there is nobody in your life, okay,
who has a perfect marriage. The reality is that marriage
takes intentionality. And this is why this podcast exists, is
(02:36):
because I want to help you to be able to
have an intentional marriage. You're not just going to have
a great relationship because you want one. You're not going
to have just a great relationship because you're a really
nice person. If your relationship is going to be great,
it is going to be because you put in the work,
you put in the intention And unfortunately, around the holidays
we can get a little lax and things can kind
(02:57):
of cool down a little bit. So I've been promoting
this resource and it's been so helpful for so many
of you. It's called the Ultimate Couple's Guide, and it's
really five simple steps to increase and enhance the intimacy
and your relationship. If you've listened to any of my episodes,
you know that when I say intimacy, I'm not just
talking about sexual intimacy, friends, I'm talking about emotional, physical,
(03:20):
I'm talking about recreational, intellectual intimacy. Right, And so how
do you do that? How do you actually have a
relationship where you're intentional and you can connect even through
difficult seasons or rough seasons. You need the Ultimate Couple
Guide to show you how. So you can access that
simply by going to Danasha dot com. That's da Nache
(03:43):
dot com forward slash Ultimate Couple. Of course, I'll link
to that in the show notes of today's podcast. But
I want us to start thinking about the affection that
we show each other now. Right off the bat, some
of y'all are thinking, you know what, I'm not an
affection I don't need all that, Dana. I don't need
all the hugs and the snuggles and the kisses, and
(04:05):
I really don't like all of that anyway. So this
really isn't a problem for me. Well, friend, guess what
I think that it is. I believe that in every relationship,
every marriage, whether you consider yourself to be physically affectionate
or not, you see, affection is not simply touch. Affection
is not just me sitting on your lap or rubbing
your shoulders. Those are acts of affection, but affection really
(04:30):
goes deeper to how you see your spouse. What comes
to your mind when you think of them? Do you
take them for granted? Do you appreciate them right? And
so when I look at my own marriage, I am
a very affectionate person. Let me just tell you that
it right off the bat. So I'm a little subjective
here because I believe in physical affection as well, and
(04:54):
so I am a very affectionate person. I love hugs,
I love massages, any kind of touch, bring it on.
And so is Sean. We're both very affectionate people. So
this is actually a plus for us. You know, in
most marriages, you're gonna have like one spouse who is
affectionate and one spouse who is not. And our relationship,
we're both very affectionate. But let me tell you something.
(05:16):
I always know when I have some sort of grudge
against Sean because I don't want him touch me. Don't
put your foot on me, do not sit near me.
I don't want my hand touching your hand. I will
snatch my hand away if we're driving down the street
and his hand brushes up against mine, if I'm holding
something against him, And I might not even have acknowledged
(05:36):
that to him. I might not have even said, like,
you know, I'm really feeling a kind of way about
you right now, I'm really feeling I might not even
say that, but I know that I'm feeling that way
if I don't want to be touched, if I do
not want him to be affectionate toward me. So if
you're the kind of person and you're thinking, yup, that's me.
I'm definitely holding something against my spouse, I'm gonna help
(05:58):
you get free. And this episode day, so let's talk
about some reasons why our affection cools off, especially around
the holidays. I know, you know most of my podcast
episodes are evergreen, meaning you can listen to them anytime.
You're gonna find that. You know, it's not gonna be
dated if you will. This particular episode, I'm dating it
a little bit and including the holidays. And it doesn't
(06:20):
have to just be Christmas or Thanksgiving. You can think
about any holiday or any busy season really in our lives,
because guess what, there is a level of intentionality that
we have to kind of up the ante on during
the busy season of life. It's just the truth. I
want you to think if you have children, right, and
your kids are involved in sports, and you're running from
(06:40):
here today or to everywhere they've got practices three and
four times that we think about games on the weekends,
or if they're older, maybe games at night. That is
a prime time for you and your spouse to cool
off on your affection. That affection will dip in your
relationships simply because of the season that you are in
in that situation, literally the athletic season that you're in,
(07:04):
or if your child is involved in some sort of
other extracurricular activity, it could be banned, it could be danced,
whatever it is. Fill in the blank. Now, maybe you
don't have children, or maybe your children are older or
they're not involved, but there's still seasons of life that
we go through where we, if we're honest, we have
to realize, Okay, I need to be a little bit
more strategic here. I need to be more intentional here.
(07:27):
You're going to get sick of that word, but I'm
going to keep using it because it's so important. But
where I need to be more intentional here to make
sure that we don't lack in this area. You all
know that I do a lot of coaching and training
around in fidelity, and I will say it until I
am blue in the face. Infidelity is not something that
(07:49):
you fall into. You don't wake up one day and
be like, oh my gosh, I'm in an affair. How
did that happen? No, it happens because of these things
that we bypass along the way. We stop caring for
our spouse, We stop taking care of ourselves, we stop
paying attention to those boundaries, we allow our boundaries to
be violated, et cetera, et cetera. So I'm giving you
(08:10):
some preventative care so that you and I don't have
to meet in a coaching session about infidelity. Let's not
do that now. If you have experienced infidelity in your marriage,
I can help you with that. I've got an incredible
resource called Infidelity Intensive that will walk through through the
steps of healing, whether you want to get healed in
your marriage together, or whether you're like, I need to
(08:32):
leave this marriage because it's totally destructive, my spouse is unrepentant.
You can still get healed and you can find out
about Infidelity Intensive at Danashay dot com. Forward slash infidelity Intensive. Okay,
and again, of course I'll link to that in the
show notes. All right, let's start talking about how we
start to lose affection in our marriage. I already alluded
(08:56):
to it, But the first way is through just some
full busyness, being too busy. Now, I have a lot
of things going on, you all, I wear multiple hats.
I am what's called a multi passionate woman. I am
a serial entrepreneur. And if you've been listening to the show,
you know that I also have this new TV hosting gig.
(09:18):
I'm also publishing a book, also have this podcast. I'll
also have a family. I also have, I also have
I also have right dot dot dot dot dot. And
you could probably say the same thing about your life
where you have so much going on, and then you
throw a spouse in the mix, and now they require
time and attention and affection, and sometimes it can be
really overwhelming, can't it. We're like, oh my gosh, I'm
(09:40):
just one person. I cannot give to you all of
these things. And so what happens sometimes, friends, is that
we stop being affectionate in our marriage. Is not because
our spouses have done anything wrong or not even because
we don't love them, but we're just too busy. We're
just caught up in too much stuff. So what is
(10:01):
the antidote to this? I told one of my friends
the other day, I said, I am in a season
of no like unashamedly no. I am saying no to
so many things right now. No to your party, no
to your invitation, no to like a lot of things.
Why because every time that we say yes to something,
(10:22):
we have to say no to something else. And so
I want to be able to make sure that my
yeses are very intentional, that I'm not going to some
event just because I feel guilty if I say no.
I don't even want to be at the event, but
I'm just there. Have you ever done that? Right? You
don't really want to be somewhere, but you're just there.
(10:42):
Some of y'all are like, yes, my marriage. Okay, I'm
not talking about that. I'm talking about you know. You're
saying yes to all this stuff. It could be stuff
at work. They're asking you to, Hey, would you be
on this team, would you be a part of this project?
Would you start this initiative? And we start to get
caught up in all of that, thinking, well, if I
say no, that maybe I'm gonna lose my job, or
if I say no, then maybe and we start to
(11:04):
fill in the blanks with all the fear. But being busy.
Being too busy is one of the reasons that our
affection dips in our marriage. You just don't have time.
So the antidote, like I said, is to start saying
no to more stuff. Put some boundaries in place so
that you're not overworking yourself and over extending yourself. And listen,
(11:27):
this includes your children. We love them, We really do
love our little kiddies. But you cannot be saying yes
to your kids more than you say yes to your spouse.
I'm gonna just let that semmer right there. I'm gonna
just let that simmer right there, and we're gonna move
on to number two, all right. So another reason that
the affection dips in our relationships is because, and it's
(11:48):
similar to being busy, we're overtired. Maybe you don't have
a whole lot going on in your life, but you're
just tired. Like I had to go to start seeing
a functional medicine doctor, y'all, because I was so tired.
I've never been like a three cup of coffee a
day drinker. I don't need that much caffeine. But let
me tell you something, if I don't have my caffeine,
(12:09):
my one cup, it's a wrap. I am so fatigued
and so tired, so I want to go see this
functional doctor. She's got me on all kinds of stuff,
good stuff, supplements, vitamin D and things like that, and
so I'm starting to see a little bit of an improvement.
And then plus i started going to bed a lot
earlier because I'm waking up a lot earlier being at
(12:29):
the TV station first thing in the morning. So some
of that stuff is just like lifestyle changes. I realized
I wasn't getting enough sleep and stuff like that. So
sometimes you are just overtired, and because you are over tired,
the last thing that you want to do is somebody
laying up on you like I'm sorry, no, thank you.
And if that's the case, well then I think we
(12:51):
all know the solution is to either get more rest,
take some stuff off your plate, go to a doctor
if you need to find out why you're so tired.
And there's a difference between being tired and being fatigued
and being sleepy. All of us humans require sleep, So
sleepiness is normal. Being fatigued and overtired is not. And
(13:13):
you can fix that. So don't allow that to be
an excuse as to why your affection and your marriage dips. Okay,
number three taking each other for granted. Our affection will
dip in our relationships when we take each other for granted,
when you stop doing the little things like saying please,
saying thank you. Sean and I have been married for
(13:33):
over twenty six years, y'all. He opens my car door
every single time we're getting in the car. He opens
any door. He never lets me touch a door. He
never sits on the outside or if we're walking down
the street, he's always on the outside. And that could
seem like really traditional or maybe even misogynistic to some people.
I don't look at it like that at all. I
love it. I feel cherished, and I have to remind
(13:56):
myself to say thank you, thanks, babe. I really appreciate
that do so many little things for me that sometimes,
honestly all we can just get spoiled to it. And
so if your spouse is doing kind things for you,
be sure that you acknowledge that and that you don't
take them for granted. Now you might be thinking, well,
I'm the one that feels taken for granted. Well, it
(14:17):
might be a time for you to start having that
conversation with your spouse and saying, look, I'm not doing
all this stuff to get something from you. I'm not
doing this to get a at a girl or a
at a boy, but sometimes I really do need you
to just acknowledge that you see what I'm doing for
you and that you appreciate it. That would make me
(14:38):
feel more affection toward you. So taking each other for granted.
Number three, number four, I'm gonna give you like five
or six of these, okay. Number four is just basically
getting to a point where you've allowed hurts and passed
wounds to take center stage. When you allow healed hurts
(15:02):
to run the show in your marriage, your marriage will
erode from the inside out. There's nowhere around it. And
this is why I preach forgiveness so much. It's so
important you all like, forgiveness is not just, oh, that's
the nice Christian thing to do. No. Forgiveness releases you
from the pain of the hurt it does. It releases
(15:23):
you from the pain of what happened. It doesn't mean
that what happened doesn't still hurt sometimes, but when you forgive,
you release that you're no longer feeding on that hurt,
feeding on that pain, meditating on how bad it hurt.
When they said this, and I can't believe they did
this to me. When you forgive, you release all of that.
It's so freeing, it's so healing. So if you've got
(15:46):
unconfessed wounds, if you've got unconfessed or not unconfessed, if
you've got unhealed wounds, if you've got unconfessed sin, maybe
it's you who've calls the wound and your spouse and
you can't be affectionate toward them because you're dealing with
some sort of guilty conscious Well then you know what
that is. Just just make it right, like, we don't
have to overcomplicate this, Just make it right. Ask for forgiveness,
(16:10):
or if you're the one who's holding onto unforgiveness, release forgive. Okay.
And then the final reason before we go to break
real quick, the final reason that I think that the
affection wanes and our relationships is because we're listening to
the wrong folks. Yeah, we're listening to the wrong people.
Let me tell y'all something. Do not take marriage advice
(16:33):
from people who you would not want your marriage to be. Like,
I know Aunt Mabel means well, but Aunt Mabel then
been married about five times. Okay, she is not someone
that you need to take marriage advice from. I don't
care how Christian she is. No, no, no, ma'am, I'm sorry. No,
thank you. You can say it with a smile. Mmm, no,
(16:53):
thank you. Appreciate you though, God bless right. Also, be
careful about worldly influences, like the way that we do
relationships and the kingdom is different. Okay, it's just different.
It just is. I don't make any apologies for that.
It's harder. Actually, it causes you to die to your flesh.
(17:15):
It causes you to be uncomfortable, it causes you to forgive,
like we just talked about, right, I'm not saying subject
yourself to abuse. That is not kingdom. Okay, that is
not kingdom. But the way that we do relationships are different,
and so you've got to be careful about who's in
your ear. Be careful about what your best friend is
(17:36):
telling you, and what your cousin is telling you, and
what your ex Oh my gosh, I don't even know
where that came from. X shouldn't be telling you anything.
But be careful about who's in your ear because someone
can say something and that can cause you to stop
being affectionate toward your spouse. And your spouse hasn't even
done anything. Listen, y'all. And the work that I do,
(17:58):
I love, y'all, but I have to like set that
aside when I'm about to go in and engage with
my husband, because I hear some stories, okay, and if
I'm not careful, that stuff can seep into my own
marriage and I can be looking at Sean a certain
kind of way. And this man hasn't done anything to me.
(18:18):
So you have to be careful about the influences that
you allow in your life and the influences the people
that you allow to speak into you. Okay, Well, this
is a great time for us to take a quick break.
This is not going to be a long episode at all,
so I want you to make sure that you dial in. Okay.
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(18:39):
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we have to take a quick break for a word
(18:59):
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if you haven't done so already. We'll be back in
just a second. All right, my friends, we are back,
and before the break, we were talking about some things
that happen in our relationships, some reasons why that affection dips.
For this next half, I really want to start talking
to you about ways to continue to grow in your
(19:22):
affection toward one another. So it's not just like, okay,
let's not let the affection dip. Well, listen, let's let
that thing rise like a like a bread basket. I
was gonna say, like a yeast roll. Let's let that
thing rise. How about we grow in our affection not
just be like okay, let's not be affection. Can we
(19:43):
start being more affection? And again, remember it's not just
a matter of touching and massaging. And that's great, But
I'm talking about the way that you think about your spouse.
What comes to mind right now? Think about your spouse
right now, maybe they're beside you, just give them a
smile or may when you think about them, you don't
think good thoughts. That's an indication that the affection has
(20:07):
dipped in your relationship. Okay, so how do we not
only keep the affection going, but how do we make
it grow? First thing I want to say is that
we've got to learn how to keep the main thing
the main thing. Now, I know that sounds really a
cliche and very broad. I'm gonna explain to you what
I mean. In the holiday season specifically, since that's what
(20:27):
we're talking about, we can get so caught up in
gift buying and gift giving and how much did this cost?
And who's coming over for dinner and this party and
that party, and we can get so wrapped up in
all of these things. Arguments can start, you know what
I'm talking about, petty arguments that don't matter. And what
we have to focus on is keeping the main thing
(20:48):
the main thing. What's the main thing? We get to
celebrate the season together every time the holidays come up.
I'm gonna be honest, like I kind of have like
a little old like a little dread. And we're going
to talk about that on an upcoming podcast. I believe
it's next week's podcast where Sean and I are going
to talk about our financial differences, our spending habits around
(21:10):
the holidays. One of us is like Santa Claus on steroids,
and the other person is not. Okay, the other person
is almost a mister Scrooge or missus Scrooge. You'll have
to listen to that podcast episode to find out which one.
But it used to be that when I thought about
the holidays, it was like, especially Christmas, it was like, oh,
I don't know, you know, because I knew that we
had this tension concerning our finances. Listen, friend, keep the
(21:34):
main thing, the main thing. It's not about the money.
It's not about the gifts. It's not about the party.
It's not about the cake. It's not about the in law.
It's not about the pie, the dinner. It's not about
any of that stuff. This is a season where we
get to celebrate the joy of just being together. So
keep the main thing the main thing. Number two, Stay
out of family drama. Oh my goodness. I know we
(21:56):
all hate drama, right, but sometimes, y'all, honestly, sometimes, let's
just be real, honest, we'd be liking some drama. I
know that's not good grammar, but it's true. Right, we
find these these people in our families most of the time,
whether it's your in laws, your cousins. This person doesn't
like this person. This person's mad because this person didn't
(22:17):
get invited to this This person is staying too long,
this person didn't get invited whatever it might be, right,
and we get caught up in that, and then we
god forbid say something about our spouse's family member to them,
and then we forgot that before we came into the picture,
our spouse had that family member. Am I in your house? Right?
(22:39):
So stay out of the family drama. If there's a
family member who wants to come and stay with you
and you and your spouse are not in agreement, that
person cannot come m M. Because what you're not gonna
do is bring that into my house. You're gonna have
to go stay in a hotel. I'm sorry. Like when
I told you all, this is a year of no,
I am not playing. I protect my marriage as best
(23:02):
as I can. Praise God he protects it more than
we can. But we can still do some stuff to
protect our marriage. Right. Don't get caught up in family drama,
and don't allow family drama to come and find you
when it starts knocking at your door and be like, no,
I'm not I can't. I'm not gonna answer because it
will erode the affection in your relationship. It will erode
your whole relationship, let alone the affection in your relationship.
(23:25):
So keep family drama out, all right. Number three, talk
about the hurts. You know, I mentioned earlier that a
lot of times we have these unhealed wounds that erode
our affection. So we have to learn how to talk
about things and listen. You don't need to bring up
the conversation for every single infraction. Some stuff, the Bible
(23:47):
says love covers a multitude of sense. Some stuff you
just got to like overlook, right, And this is the
little stuff I'm not talking about, like your spouse didn't
come home for three three days and you're just supposed
to overlook that. No, I'm talking about little things like
they made a rude comment, they was snappish, they didn't
say thank you, they overspent at the grocery store. I mean,
(24:09):
some stuff we just have to kind of overlook because
if you pay attention to every single solitary thing, you
are going to be miserable. And maybe you are. And
if you're miserable in your marriage, Ask yourself, could it
be that I am giving way too much attention to
(24:30):
these small trivial things. Remember, we're going to keep the
main thing the main thing. We're gonna major on the majors.
Your spouse is going to offend you. They are going
to hurt your feelings, they are going to get on
your nerves. That's called marriage. Nothing strange is happening to you, okay,
And that's just marriage. And when you realize that, you
(24:52):
stop taking yourself in them so seriously. You could just
overlook stuff, all right, And then we need to learn
how to forgive quickly, quickly. And this is what I
was saying earlier. You know, forgiveness is such a gift.
There are so many marriages that are struggling today. Not
(25:13):
because of something that was done necessarily, Oh that's bad,
but a lot of times it's because people just don't
want to forgive, or they feel like they just can't forgive.
And so I'm gonna link to a podcast episode that
I did on forgiveness. I've done several of them, but
this one in particular walks you through the process of forgiveness.
(25:36):
It was by a book or actually was inspired, I
should say, by a book by Desmond Tou Tou and
his daughter Info Tu Tu and it's the Book of
Forgiving and so I talk about that in the podcast
episode and I really want to share that with you.
So if you are struggling with forgiveness, then I want
you to click the link on that specific podcast episode.
(25:58):
I'll of course link to it in the show note
at danishshay dot com slash podcast, but I want you
to make sure that you that you go over that
one because it's going to be really important for you
to walk this out, all right. So that's basically it.
We're talking about how to not allow the affection to
dip in your relationship through the holiday season and beyond.
(26:20):
I said, this podcast episode isn't necessarily evergreen because we
are talking about the holidays. But of course everything that
I share today, you can use it in March, you
can use it in September, you can use it in July.
So don't allow the holiday category to make you feel like, oh,
I don't have to work on that. I don't have
to work on affection in June. You still need to
be intentional about affection. Okay, So before we leave I
(26:43):
want to read our latest podcast review or one of
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can leave a review on this podcast on Apple Podcasts
or Spotify. Super simple how to do that, and you
don't have to write an entire paragraph or a book.
You can say just a few simple words about what
the podcast has meant to you. That helps other people
(27:04):
to be able to find the podcast and to be
encouraged too. So this review says Dana has such a
gift of articulating effective ways to approach and communicate marriage
discussions that my husband and I find uncomfortable discussing on
our own. These podcast topics really help with suggestions on
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(27:24):
married for over or almost I'm sorry, we've been married
for almost twenty years, and we have fallen into unhealthy
routines that we didn't recognize we were in until we
tried to get out of them, and then we didn't
know how to get out of them on our own
without feeling overwhelmed. I always feel empowered with some talking
points after listening to Dana's podcast. One topic out of time,
(27:45):
we tackle ways that have deeper, more heartfelt discussions, and
I am so grateful for her direction. I am so
grateful for your review, and I love that you're using
these podcast episodes to spark deeper conversation. That means everything
to me. That's what I want, That's what I want
for you, That's what I want for your marriage. So
when you all listen to these episodes, don't just leave
(28:07):
this episode and then go and like watch the Housewives
or something that's gonna erode everything you just learned. So
use this podcast episode to spark deeper conversations in your relationships.
All right, Well, thank you so much for listening. Again,
you can find the show notes to this podcast and
every other show I've done at danashay dot com Ford
(28:27):
Slash Podcast. Be sure to get your Ultimate Couple guide.
You can get that at danashay dot com Ford Slash
Ultimate Couple. And for those of you all who need
infidelity incentive, do not sleep on that. All right, there
is no reason to go into twenty twenty six with
an unhealed marriage. So thanks so much for listening. I'll
see you on the next episode. Take care,
Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana Shae and welcome to
the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. I really want to start
talking to you about ways to continue to grow in
your affection toward one another. If your relationship is going
(00:23):
to be great, it is going to be because you
put in the work, you put in the intention. How
do you actually have a relationship where you're intentional and
you can connect even through difficult seasons. Hey, friends, it's
Dana se and you're listening to the Rebuilding US podcast.
I want you to think about a time where your
(00:46):
marriage suffered from a lack of affection. Maybe you and
your spouse used to be really cuddly, used to be
really touchy, hands on. Your relationship had a decent amount
of affection, or maybe even a good amount of affection,
but then something happened, whether it was a betrayal or
maybe just what we're going to talk about today, just
the season's changed and you started backing off a little bit,
(01:10):
maybe your spouse started backing off a little bit, and
now you're in a marriage where it just feels very distant,
feels very cold, does not feel warm at all. I
want to talk to you all today about the holiday
affection dip. Now. I laughed when I came up with
this title because I thought about we depending on when
you're listening to this podcast, of course, we are just
(01:32):
a few days past Thanksgiving, and you know how people
save that turkey and then they're like, I'm gonna put
that turkey in some castle role, as if the turkey
is going to taste better in the castle role, even
though it's still eight days old. You know, well, we
do the same thing with holiday dips, or with any
kind of dips. Right, You're just like kind of throwing
in random stuff in there, and then you hope for
(01:54):
the best it's going to taste good because it's a
dip and you can use a chip and it can
be great. Well, I'm not necessarily talk about that kind
of dip. I'm talking about the dip and affection that
we feel or that we experience in our marriages. Now,
right off the bat, I want to give you a
resource because there are so many couples who go through this.
(02:15):
We have ebbs and flows and our marriages. There is
no perfect marriage. There is there is no perfect marriage.
There is not I don't care what that marriage looks
like from the outside. Okay, there is nobody in your life, okay,
who has a perfect marriage. The reality is that marriage
takes intentionality. And this is why this podcast exists, is
(02:36):
because I want to help you to be able to
have an intentional marriage. You're not just going to have
a great relationship because you want one. You're not going
to have just a great relationship because you're a really
nice person. If your relationship is going to be great,
it is going to be because you put in the work,
you put in the intention And unfortunately, around the holidays
we can get a little lax and things can kind
(02:57):
of cool down a little bit. So I've been promoting
this resource and it's been so helpful for so many
of you. It's called the Ultimate Couple's Guide, and it's
really five simple steps to increase and enhance the intimacy
and your relationship. If you've listened to any of my episodes,
you know that when I say intimacy, I'm not just
talking about sexual intimacy, friends, I'm talking about emotional, physical,
(03:20):
I'm talking about recreational, intellectual intimacy. Right, And so how
do you do that? How do you actually have a
relationship where you're intentional and you can connect even through
difficult seasons or rough seasons. You need the Ultimate Couple
Guide to show you how. So you can access that
simply by going to Danasha dot com. That's da Nache
(03:43):
dot com forward slash Ultimate Couple. Of course, I'll link
to that in the show notes of today's podcast. But
I want us to start thinking about the affection that
we show each other now. Right off the bat, some
of y'all are thinking, you know what, I'm not an
affection I don't need all that, Dana. I don't need
all the hugs and the snuggles and the kisses, and
(04:05):
I really don't like all of that anyway. So this
really isn't a problem for me. Well, friend, guess what
I think that it is. I believe that in every relationship,
every marriage, whether you consider yourself to be physically affectionate
or not, you see, affection is not simply touch. Affection
is not just me sitting on your lap or rubbing
your shoulders. Those are acts of affection, but affection really
(04:30):
goes deeper to how you see your spouse. What comes
to your mind when you think of them? Do you
take them for granted? Do you appreciate them right? And
so when I look at my own marriage, I am
a very affectionate person. Let me just tell you that
it right off the bat. So I'm a little subjective
here because I believe in physical affection as well, and
(04:54):
so I am a very affectionate person. I love hugs,
I love massages, any kind of touch, bring it on.
And so is Sean. We're both very affectionate people. So
this is actually a plus for us. You know, in
most marriages, you're gonna have like one spouse who is
affectionate and one spouse who is not. And our relationship,
we're both very affectionate. But let me tell you something.
(05:16):
I always know when I have some sort of grudge
against Sean because I don't want him touch me. Don't
put your foot on me, do not sit near me.
I don't want my hand touching your hand. I will
snatch my hand away if we're driving down the street
and his hand brushes up against mine, if I'm holding
something against him, And I might not even have acknowledged
(05:36):
that to him. I might not have even said, like,
you know, I'm really feeling a kind of way about
you right now, I'm really feeling I might not even
say that, but I know that I'm feeling that way
if I don't want to be touched, if I do
not want him to be affectionate toward me. So if
you're the kind of person and you're thinking, yup, that's me.
I'm definitely holding something against my spouse, I'm gonna help
(05:58):
you get free. And this episode day, so let's talk
about some reasons why our affection cools off, especially around
the holidays. I know, you know most of my podcast
episodes are evergreen, meaning you can listen to them anytime.
You're gonna find that. You know, it's not gonna be
dated if you will. This particular episode, I'm dating it
a little bit and including the holidays. And it doesn't
(06:20):
have to just be Christmas or Thanksgiving. You can think
about any holiday or any busy season really in our lives,
because guess what, there is a level of intentionality that
we have to kind of up the ante on during
the busy season of life. It's just the truth. I
want you to think if you have children, right, and
your kids are involved in sports, and you're running from
(06:40):
here today or to everywhere they've got practices three and
four times that we think about games on the weekends,
or if they're older, maybe games at night. That is
a prime time for you and your spouse to cool
off on your affection. That affection will dip in your
relationships simply because of the season that you are in
in that situation, literally the athletic season that you're in,
(07:04):
or if your child is involved in some sort of
other extracurricular activity, it could be banned, it could be danced,
whatever it is. Fill in the blank. Now, maybe you
don't have children, or maybe your children are older or
they're not involved, but there's still seasons of life that
we go through where we, if we're honest, we have
to realize, Okay, I need to be a little bit
more strategic here. I need to be more intentional here.
(07:27):
You're going to get sick of that word, but I'm
going to keep using it because it's so important. But
where I need to be more intentional here to make
sure that we don't lack in this area. You all
know that I do a lot of coaching and training
around in fidelity, and I will say it until I
am blue in the face. Infidelity is not something that
(07:49):
you fall into. You don't wake up one day and
be like, oh my gosh, I'm in an affair. How
did that happen? No, it happens because of these things
that we bypass along the way. We stop caring for
our spouse, We stop taking care of ourselves, we stop
paying attention to those boundaries, we allow our boundaries to
be violated, et cetera, et cetera. So I'm giving you
(08:10):
some preventative care so that you and I don't have
to meet in a coaching session about infidelity. Let's not
do that now. If you have experienced infidelity in your marriage,
I can help you with that. I've got an incredible
resource called Infidelity Intensive that will walk through through the
steps of healing, whether you want to get healed in
your marriage together, or whether you're like, I need to
(08:32):
leave this marriage because it's totally destructive, my spouse is unrepentant.
You can still get healed and you can find out
about Infidelity Intensive at Danashay dot com. Forward slash infidelity Intensive. Okay,
and again, of course I'll link to that in the
show notes. All right, let's start talking about how we
start to lose affection in our marriage. I already alluded
(08:56):
to it, But the first way is through just some
full busyness, being too busy. Now, I have a lot
of things going on, you all, I wear multiple hats.
I am what's called a multi passionate woman. I am
a serial entrepreneur. And if you've been listening to the show,
you know that I also have this new TV hosting gig.
(09:18):
I'm also publishing a book, also have this podcast. I'll
also have a family. I also have, I also have
I also have right dot dot dot dot dot. And
you could probably say the same thing about your life
where you have so much going on, and then you
throw a spouse in the mix, and now they require
time and attention and affection, and sometimes it can be
really overwhelming, can't it. We're like, oh my gosh, I'm
(09:40):
just one person. I cannot give to you all of
these things. And so what happens sometimes, friends, is that
we stop being affectionate in our marriage. Is not because
our spouses have done anything wrong or not even because
we don't love them, but we're just too busy. We're
just caught up in too much stuff. So what is
(10:01):
the antidote to this? I told one of my friends
the other day, I said, I am in a season
of no like unashamedly no. I am saying no to
so many things right now. No to your party, no
to your invitation, no to like a lot of things.
Why because every time that we say yes to something,
(10:22):
we have to say no to something else. And so
I want to be able to make sure that my
yeses are very intentional, that I'm not going to some
event just because I feel guilty if I say no.
I don't even want to be at the event, but
I'm just there. Have you ever done that? Right? You
don't really want to be somewhere, but you're just there.
(10:42):
Some of y'all are like, yes, my marriage. Okay, I'm
not talking about that. I'm talking about you know. You're
saying yes to all this stuff. It could be stuff
at work. They're asking you to, Hey, would you be
on this team, would you be a part of this project?
Would you start this initiative? And we start to get
caught up in all of that, thinking, well, if I
say no, that maybe I'm gonna lose my job, or
if I say no, then maybe and we start to
(11:04):
fill in the blanks with all the fear. But being busy.
Being too busy is one of the reasons that our
affection dips in our marriage. You just don't have time.
So the antidote, like I said, is to start saying
no to more stuff. Put some boundaries in place so
that you're not overworking yourself and over extending yourself. And listen,
(11:27):
this includes your children. We love them, We really do
love our little kiddies. But you cannot be saying yes
to your kids more than you say yes to your spouse.
I'm gonna just let that semmer right there. I'm gonna
just let that simmer right there, and we're gonna move
on to number two, all right. So another reason that
the affection dips in our relationships is because, and it's
(11:48):
similar to being busy, we're overtired. Maybe you don't have
a whole lot going on in your life, but you're
just tired. Like I had to go to start seeing
a functional medicine doctor, y'all, because I was so tired.
I've never been like a three cup of coffee a
day drinker. I don't need that much caffeine. But let
me tell you something, if I don't have my caffeine,
(12:09):
my one cup, it's a wrap. I am so fatigued
and so tired, so I want to go see this
functional doctor. She's got me on all kinds of stuff,
good stuff, supplements, vitamin D and things like that, and
so I'm starting to see a little bit of an improvement.
And then plus i started going to bed a lot
earlier because I'm waking up a lot earlier being at
(12:29):
the TV station first thing in the morning. So some
of that stuff is just like lifestyle changes. I realized
I wasn't getting enough sleep and stuff like that. So
sometimes you are just overtired, and because you are over tired,
the last thing that you want to do is somebody
laying up on you like I'm sorry, no, thank you.
And if that's the case, well then I think we
(12:51):
all know the solution is to either get more rest,
take some stuff off your plate, go to a doctor
if you need to find out why you're so tired.
And there's a difference between being tired and being fatigued
and being sleepy. All of us humans require sleep, So
sleepiness is normal. Being fatigued and overtired is not. And
(13:13):
you can fix that. So don't allow that to be
an excuse as to why your affection and your marriage dips. Okay,
number three taking each other for granted. Our affection will
dip in our relationships when we take each other for granted,
when you stop doing the little things like saying please,
saying thank you. Sean and I have been married for
(13:33):
over twenty six years, y'all. He opens my car door
every single time we're getting in the car. He opens
any door. He never lets me touch a door. He
never sits on the outside or if we're walking down
the street, he's always on the outside. And that could
seem like really traditional or maybe even misogynistic to some people.
I don't look at it like that at all. I
love it. I feel cherished, and I have to remind
(13:56):
myself to say thank you, thanks, babe. I really appreciate
that do so many little things for me that sometimes,
honestly all we can just get spoiled to it. And
so if your spouse is doing kind things for you,
be sure that you acknowledge that and that you don't
take them for granted. Now you might be thinking, well,
I'm the one that feels taken for granted. Well, it
(14:17):
might be a time for you to start having that
conversation with your spouse and saying, look, I'm not doing
all this stuff to get something from you. I'm not
doing this to get a at a girl or a
at a boy, but sometimes I really do need you
to just acknowledge that you see what I'm doing for
you and that you appreciate it. That would make me
(14:38):
feel more affection toward you. So taking each other for granted.
Number three, number four, I'm gonna give you like five
or six of these, okay. Number four is just basically
getting to a point where you've allowed hurts and passed
wounds to take center stage. When you allow healed hurts
(15:02):
to run the show in your marriage, your marriage will
erode from the inside out. There's nowhere around it. And
this is why I preach forgiveness so much. It's so
important you all like, forgiveness is not just, oh, that's
the nice Christian thing to do. No. Forgiveness releases you
from the pain of the hurt it does. It releases
(15:23):
you from the pain of what happened. It doesn't mean
that what happened doesn't still hurt sometimes, but when you forgive,
you release that you're no longer feeding on that hurt,
feeding on that pain, meditating on how bad it hurt.
When they said this, and I can't believe they did
this to me. When you forgive, you release all of that.
It's so freeing, it's so healing. So if you've got
(15:46):
unconfessed wounds, if you've got unconfessed or not unconfessed, if
you've got unhealed wounds, if you've got unconfessed sin, maybe
it's you who've calls the wound and your spouse and
you can't be affectionate toward them because you're dealing with
some sort of guilty conscious Well then you know what
that is. Just just make it right, like, we don't
have to overcomplicate this, Just make it right. Ask for forgiveness,
(16:10):
or if you're the one who's holding onto unforgiveness, release forgive. Okay.
And then the final reason before we go to break
real quick, the final reason that I think that the
affection wanes and our relationships is because we're listening to
the wrong folks. Yeah, we're listening to the wrong people.
Let me tell y'all something. Do not take marriage advice
(16:33):
from people who you would not want your marriage to be. Like,
I know Aunt Mabel means well, but Aunt Mabel then
been married about five times. Okay, she is not someone
that you need to take marriage advice from. I don't
care how Christian she is. No, no, no, ma'am, I'm sorry. No,
thank you. You can say it with a smile. Mmm, no,
(16:53):
thank you. Appreciate you though, God bless right. Also, be
careful about worldly influences, like the way that we do
relationships and the kingdom is different. Okay, it's just different.
It just is. I don't make any apologies for that.
It's harder. Actually, it causes you to die to your flesh.
(17:15):
It causes you to be uncomfortable, it causes you to forgive,
like we just talked about, right, I'm not saying subject
yourself to abuse. That is not kingdom. Okay, that is
not kingdom. But the way that we do relationships are different,
and so you've got to be careful about who's in
your ear. Be careful about what your best friend is
(17:36):
telling you, and what your cousin is telling you, and
what your ex Oh my gosh, I don't even know
where that came from. X shouldn't be telling you anything.
But be careful about who's in your ear because someone
can say something and that can cause you to stop
being affectionate toward your spouse. And your spouse hasn't even
done anything. Listen, y'all. And the work that I do,
(17:58):
I love, y'all, but I have to like set that
aside when I'm about to go in and engage with
my husband, because I hear some stories, okay, and if
I'm not careful, that stuff can seep into my own
marriage and I can be looking at Sean a certain
kind of way. And this man hasn't done anything to me.
(18:18):
So you have to be careful about the influences that
you allow in your life and the influences the people
that you allow to speak into you. Okay, Well, this
is a great time for us to take a quick break.
This is not going to be a long episode at all,
so I want you to make sure that you dial in. Okay.
We've got some sponsors that are sponsor of the show,
and some of you have been like heang, I wish
(18:39):
we didn't have commercials in this podcast. Well, guess what
You can donate to the Rebuilding Us podcast. This is
how the podcast continues to grow and go, and so
if you would like to make a donation of any amount,
you can simply go to Danishshaye dot com slash donate
and I will gladly put your money to work. All right,
we have to take a quick break for a word
(18:59):
from our sponsor. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast
if you haven't done so already. We'll be back in
just a second. All right, my friends, we are back,
and before the break, we were talking about some things
that happen in our relationships, some reasons why that affection dips.
For this next half, I really want to start talking
to you about ways to continue to grow in your
(19:22):
affection toward one another. So it's not just like, okay,
let's not let the affection dip. Well, listen, let's let
that thing rise like a like a bread basket. I
was gonna say, like a yeast roll. Let's let that
thing rise. How about we grow in our affection not
just be like okay, let's not be affection. Can we
(19:43):
start being more affection? And again, remember it's not just
a matter of touching and massaging. And that's great, But
I'm talking about the way that you think about your spouse.
What comes to mind right now? Think about your spouse
right now, maybe they're beside you, just give them a
smile or may when you think about them, you don't
think good thoughts. That's an indication that the affection has
(20:07):
dipped in your relationship. Okay, so how do we not
only keep the affection going, but how do we make
it grow? First thing I want to say is that
we've got to learn how to keep the main thing
the main thing. Now, I know that sounds really a
cliche and very broad. I'm gonna explain to you what
I mean. In the holiday season specifically, since that's what
(20:27):
we're talking about, we can get so caught up in
gift buying and gift giving and how much did this cost?
And who's coming over for dinner and this party and
that party, and we can get so wrapped up in
all of these things. Arguments can start, you know what
I'm talking about, petty arguments that don't matter. And what
we have to focus on is keeping the main thing
(20:48):
the main thing. What's the main thing? We get to
celebrate the season together every time the holidays come up.
I'm gonna be honest, like I kind of have like
a little old like a little dread. And we're going
to talk about that on an upcoming podcast. I believe
it's next week's podcast where Sean and I are going
to talk about our financial differences, our spending habits around
(21:10):
the holidays. One of us is like Santa Claus on steroids,
and the other person is not. Okay, the other person
is almost a mister Scrooge or missus Scrooge. You'll have
to listen to that podcast episode to find out which one.
But it used to be that when I thought about
the holidays, it was like, especially Christmas, it was like, oh,
I don't know, you know, because I knew that we
had this tension concerning our finances. Listen, friend, keep the
(21:34):
main thing, the main thing. It's not about the money.
It's not about the gifts. It's not about the party.
It's not about the cake. It's not about the in law.
It's not about the pie, the dinner. It's not about
any of that stuff. This is a season where we
get to celebrate the joy of just being together. So
keep the main thing the main thing. Number two, Stay
out of family drama. Oh my goodness. I know we
(21:56):
all hate drama, right, but sometimes, y'all, honestly, sometimes, let's
just be real, honest, we'd be liking some drama. I
know that's not good grammar, but it's true. Right, we
find these these people in our families most of the time,
whether it's your in laws, your cousins. This person doesn't
like this person. This person's mad because this person didn't
(22:17):
get invited to this This person is staying too long,
this person didn't get invited whatever it might be, right,
and we get caught up in that, and then we
god forbid say something about our spouse's family member to them,
and then we forgot that before we came into the picture,
our spouse had that family member. Am I in your house? Right?
(22:39):
So stay out of the family drama. If there's a
family member who wants to come and stay with you
and you and your spouse are not in agreement, that
person cannot come m M. Because what you're not gonna
do is bring that into my house. You're gonna have
to go stay in a hotel. I'm sorry. Like when
I told you all, this is a year of no,
I am not playing. I protect my marriage as best
(23:02):
as I can. Praise God he protects it more than
we can. But we can still do some stuff to
protect our marriage. Right. Don't get caught up in family drama,
and don't allow family drama to come and find you
when it starts knocking at your door and be like, no,
I'm not I can't. I'm not gonna answer because it
will erode the affection in your relationship. It will erode
your whole relationship, let alone the affection in your relationship.
(23:25):
So keep family drama out, all right. Number three, talk
about the hurts. You know, I mentioned earlier that a
lot of times we have these unhealed wounds that erode
our affection. So we have to learn how to talk
about things and listen. You don't need to bring up
the conversation for every single infraction. Some stuff, the Bible
(23:47):
says love covers a multitude of sense. Some stuff you
just got to like overlook, right, And this is the
little stuff I'm not talking about, like your spouse didn't
come home for three three days and you're just supposed
to overlook that. No, I'm talking about little things like
they made a rude comment, they was snappish, they didn't
say thank you, they overspent at the grocery store. I mean,
(24:09):
some stuff we just have to kind of overlook because
if you pay attention to every single solitary thing, you
are going to be miserable. And maybe you are. And
if you're miserable in your marriage, Ask yourself, could it
be that I am giving way too much attention to
(24:30):
these small trivial things. Remember, we're going to keep the
main thing the main thing. We're gonna major on the majors.
Your spouse is going to offend you. They are going
to hurt your feelings, they are going to get on
your nerves. That's called marriage. Nothing strange is happening to you, okay,
And that's just marriage. And when you realize that, you
(24:52):
stop taking yourself in them so seriously. You could just
overlook stuff, all right, And then we need to learn
how to forgive quickly, quickly. And this is what I
was saying earlier. You know, forgiveness is such a gift.
There are so many marriages that are struggling today. Not
(25:13):
because of something that was done necessarily, Oh that's bad,
but a lot of times it's because people just don't
want to forgive, or they feel like they just can't forgive.
And so I'm gonna link to a podcast episode that
I did on forgiveness. I've done several of them, but
this one in particular walks you through the process of forgiveness.
(25:36):
It was by a book or actually was inspired, I
should say, by a book by Desmond Tou Tou and
his daughter Info Tu Tu and it's the Book of
Forgiving and so I talk about that in the podcast
episode and I really want to share that with you.
So if you are struggling with forgiveness, then I want
you to click the link on that specific podcast episode.
(25:58):
I'll of course link to it in the show note
at danishshay dot com slash podcast, but I want you
to make sure that you that you go over that
one because it's going to be really important for you
to walk this out, all right. So that's basically it.
We're talking about how to not allow the affection to
dip in your relationship through the holiday season and beyond.
(26:20):
I said, this podcast episode isn't necessarily evergreen because we
are talking about the holidays. But of course everything that
I share today, you can use it in March, you
can use it in September, you can use it in July.
So don't allow the holiday category to make you feel like, oh,
I don't have to work on that. I don't have
to work on affection in June. You still need to
be intentional about affection. Okay, So before we leave I
(26:43):
want to read our latest podcast review or one of
our latest podcast reviews, And let me just say, you
can leave a review on this podcast on Apple Podcasts
or Spotify. Super simple how to do that, and you
don't have to write an entire paragraph or a book.
You can say just a few simple words about what
the podcast has meant to you. That helps other people
(27:04):
to be able to find the podcast and to be
encouraged too. So this review says Dana has such a
gift of articulating effective ways to approach and communicate marriage
discussions that my husband and I find uncomfortable discussing on
our own. These podcast topics really help with suggestions on
how we can work toward our relationship goals. We've been
(27:24):
married for over or almost I'm sorry, we've been married
for almost twenty years, and we have fallen into unhealthy
routines that we didn't recognize we were in until we
tried to get out of them, and then we didn't
know how to get out of them on our own
without feeling overwhelmed. I always feel empowered with some talking
points after listening to Dana's podcast. One topic out of time,
(27:45):
we tackle ways that have deeper, more heartfelt discussions, and
I am so grateful for her direction. I am so
grateful for your review, and I love that you're using
these podcast episodes to spark deeper conversation. That means everything
to me. That's what I want, That's what I want
for you, That's what I want for your marriage. So
when you all listen to these episodes, don't just leave
(28:07):
this episode and then go and like watch the Housewives
or something that's gonna erode everything you just learned. So
use this podcast episode to spark deeper conversations in your relationships.
All right, Well, thank you so much for listening. Again,
you can find the show notes to this podcast and
every other show I've done at danashay dot com Ford
(28:27):
Slash Podcast. Be sure to get your Ultimate Couple guide.
You can get that at danashay dot com Ford Slash
Ultimate Couple. And for those of you all who need
infidelity incentive, do not sleep on that. All right, there
is no reason to go into twenty twenty six with
an unhealed marriage. So thanks so much for listening. I'll
see you on the next episode. Take care,
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