December 23, 2025 • 26 mins
If you’ve found yourself disappointed, grieving unmet expectations, or questioning whether your relationship is supposed to feel this tough, you're not alone. It's a struggle that many couples face but rarely talk about openly—what to do when marriage is much harder than you ever expected.
Plenty of couples walk down the aisle brimming with hope and expectation. After all, we’re conditioned to, right? The advice pours in from all sides before the big day: “Marriage takes work!” “There will be hard times!” But few truly believe the hard times will come for them. Most of us believe we’re the exceptions.
But disappointment is “part of the package” of marriage. It’s not pessimism—it’s reality. So, what DO you do with disappointment? Pretending everything is fine isn’t the answer. Nor is simply waiting for time to heal all wounds. Deliberate action is required to address and heal those emotional wounds.
Key Takeaways:
- Expect Drifting—and Intentionally Fight It
- Don’t Lower Your Expectations. Negotiate Them.
- When You Marry the “Wrong Person” (Or So You Think)
- Pressure Reveals, It Doesn’t Destroy
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
My new book, Tried and True, releases in January 2026! Learn more at danache.com/triedandtrue.
For those who want to go deeper, get the free 5-day devotional companion to Tried and True, designed to help struggling couples reflect and reconnect.
Follow Dana Che on the socials!
Like the show? Be sure to SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW the podcast! Then, give it a ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ rating and leave a great review!
Support the show: https://danache.com/donations/support-the-show/
Discover more Christian podcasts at lifeaudio.com and inquire about advertising opportunities at lifeaudio.com/contact-us.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Life Audio.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Hey friends, it's Dying Ache and you're listening to the
Rebuilding Us Marriage podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I am beyond.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Excited to share with you all that in just a
few weeks, my brand new book, Tried and True is
going to release and I'm literally sitting here trying to
hold it together because I had been working on this book.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
For a long time.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And the truth is, I wrote this book in about
two weeks.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I know that seems crazy, but let me tell you something.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
When God gives you an idea and he just drops
and on you, it doesn't take a long time necessarily
to execute it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
So I'll talk to you more about the book later.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
This podcast episode today is going to kind of give
you an inside peete on one of the biggest issues
why I even wrote this book, and it's because a
lot of people get married and they realize that marriage
is a lot harder, a lot harder than they ever
expected it to be. We know, we hear people say
(01:05):
marriage is gonna be hard, marriage takes work, You're gonna
have to do this and that, and we hear all
the advice. But the truth is, I think a lot
of people go into marriage with really high expectations, really
believing for the best, which is great, and then they
get married and it's just hard. Marriage is just hard sometimes,
(01:26):
And so I want to talk to you specifically if
that is you, if you feel like I have been
disappointed by my husband or my wife or myself, or
I have just been disappointed in marriage in general. I
thought that I was going to be married to my
best friend. We were going to go through some stuff, yes,
but like what I'm experiencing Dana is like next level.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
I want to talk directly to you today.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
So let me first start off by saying that disappointment
happens to everyone. I don't care where you are in
your life, what season you're in in your life. You
could be a multi billion and you are going to
experience disappointment in some.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Areas of your life.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I think that when we go into marriage not
realizing that disappointment is a part of the package, like
you might as well stand at the altar and say,
I vow to disappoint you and to be disappointed by you,
because it's gonna happen. It's probably gonna happen like in
your first week. It just is, that's a normal part
of relationships. You're gonna walk through disappointment. However, disappointment does
(02:29):
not mean disengagements. Let me say that again, disappointment does
not mean disengagement. Just because your heart has been broken,
just because your ideals have not been met, just because
you have been disappointed, does not mean that you have
to disengage from the marriage. It doesn't mean that you
get to shrink back and say, well, I gave it
my best, it's been six months. No, just because you're
(02:51):
been disappointed does not mean that you need to disengage.
So what do you do though, when you're disappointed? Do
we just pretend like it's all good? Do we just
hope for the best? Do we just wait it out? No?
I believe that there are some things that you can
do to help that disappointment to not take you out. Okay,
so that's another podcast, for another episode. I just really
(03:12):
want to set the stage though, right now, for those
of you who are like, this is hard and I
don't know if I'm going to be able to do
this for another two years or five years. I don't
know if I'm going to be able to make it,
and so I want to start off by telling you
that most couples go into marriage completely unprepared the vast majority,
(03:33):
trust me, you all. I do premarital counseling, and I
love aline couples, I really do. And I'll talk to
these sweet couples. Some of them are young, some not
so young. Some of them are in their second or
third marriages, and they're going into this thing with all
of these ideals and all of these checkboxes and all
of these hopes. And I'm not telling you not to hope.
(03:54):
I mean, I'm a huge believer in hope. I hope
is what actually gives you that faith to door. However,
I think that a lot of couples just go into
marriage completely unprepared for, like the real of it, the
messy of it, the middle part, the long game, the it's.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Not gonna be you know, peaches and cream. Every day.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You're gonna lose interest sometimes, Like I'm just gonna be
real with you, like, sometimes you're gonna just lose interest
in your spouse. And if you don't know that, then
you're gonna think something's wrong with me, something's wrong with them.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't know if this is gonna work.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
So I just want to settle some anxieties right now
to let you know that most couples understand this, Like,
most couples are going into marriages completely unprepared. And so
what happens when you go into a marriage You think
that you're prepared, Maybe you did your premarital counseling. You
uh talk to your parents, You talk to your spouse's parents,
(04:46):
the families get along. Like from the outside, everything looks
like this should work, but for whatever reason, it's not working.
So let me first start off by telling you that
there is a grief that a lot of couples feel.
Because of their disappointment, and because nobody's really talking about this,
people don't know what to do with grief, Like they
don't know. They're like, can I tell my spouse that
(05:08):
I'm grieving? What I thought was?
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't want to.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Hurt their feelings. I don't want them to become insecure.
I don't want them to start asking me a whole
bunch of questions. I don't want them to not trust me.
I don't want them to think that I'm telling them
that I want a divorce. Like they're all of these
factors that are surrounding our reasons why we don't speak up,
why we don't address the grief one. A lot of
times we don't even understand what the grief is ourselves.
(05:31):
We're trying to figure out, like what is this? And
grief takes on many forms. Sometimes grief looks like hopelessness.
It's not that you're hopeless about your marriage. It's just
that you're grieving. You're grieving what you thought would be.
Maybe you thought when you got married, you and your
spouse would spend long nights on the couch talking about
(05:53):
your dreams and desires.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
And you have not spent not one.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Narry night on a couch talking about a dream, nor
a desire. And so now you're like, well, shoot, what
do I do with that?
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Right, there's grief.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
And grief doesn't necessarily mean that you're crying and that
you're like depressed. It just means that there's a longing,
there's a missing, there's there's this absence. Right, think about
like when someone passes away, there's that longing for that person,
there's that they're not there anymore. There's an absence. And
so that's what grief does. And so if you don't
understand how to manage your expectations, don't diminish them. And
(06:29):
I'm going to talk about that in a second. But
if you don't know how to manage your expectations, then
you're gonna be grieving your entire marriage. So let me
just let you know that I believe, and I've said this.
I haven't said it in a while, but I've said
this on other shows. The default of marriage is disconnection,
(06:49):
not connection.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
What do I mean by that?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
You know, I often talk about this analogy of a
canoe out on a lake. If that canoe is not
heathered or tied to something like a dock or another boat,
when the winds come, natural winds. I'm not talking about
hurricane force winds. I'm just talking about natural winds. When
the winds come, the default of that canoe is that
(07:14):
it's going to drift. That's what happens in marriage when
the winds come, just normal stuff, right, lifing. When that happens,
your natural default is not connection. It is drifting. It
is disconnection. So what you need to be aware of
(07:35):
is that you have to be intentional to stay connected.
The busier you are, the more drift is going to
show up in your relationship. So you have to be
intentional about spending extra quality time. If you're very busy,
if you're very different, if one person's not a talker,
(07:56):
one person's not in tune with their emotional side. Like,
all these different factors that exist in different couples really
up the ante for how intentional you have to be
so that you don't you don't disconnect. Okay, So the
default of marriage is not connection, it's disconnection. And that
doesn't mean that it's normative that you should just stay disconnected.
(08:17):
It doesn't mean like hey, Dana said that we're just
supposed to be disconnected because that's the default.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
No, that's the normal, right.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's just like, if you this is such a horrible example,
I'm sorry, it's the first thing that popped in my mind.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
It's like, if you don't take a shower.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
The normal process of that is that you are going
to stink it, right, So don't just stink take a shower, right, Like,
fix it?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And this is what I'm telling you.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Disconnection is the default, but you don't have to stay disconnected.
You can clean it up, you can fix it. But
when you're not even talking about why are we disconnected?
The disconnection is usually tied to a disappointment. So if
we can't even talk about our disappointment, how are we
gonna ever reconnect? So there is a danger that a
(09:09):
lot of people have. I think i've shared this story before.
Sewan and I were in Italy in twenty sixteen and
we got on the elevator.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I don't know why I remember this.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
This was like a This was like a light bulb
moment in my life because I've shared this story at
least fifty two times. We get them this elevator and
there's this girl that walks in the elevator and she
had on a sweatshirt or a T shirt that said
no expectations, no disappointments, And I literally just felt so
sorry for her. I wanted to just pull her aside
(09:39):
and be like, let's talk about this, you know, because
if you live your life in such a way that
I'm just not going to expect anything that way, I
won't be disappointed when the whatever happens. Man, that's just
like living so far beneath your potential, and that's not
allowing yourself to feel all the good things that could
(10:00):
come your way. And so I want to really encourage
you to set expectations in your marriage. Don't hide and
don't shy away from those expectations that you have of
your spouse, that you have of yourself, that you have
of your marriage. You should go into marriage fully expecting.
You should go into marriage fully expecting that we are
(10:21):
going to last until death to us part.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
When I meet.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Couples and they're like, you know, I really hope this last,
I'm like, oh, I'm not your girl. Sorry, like love you,
but I'm gonna have to send you somebody else because
I cannot help you to hope for I hope this
really works out. Like that is such a low bar,
and I'm setting y'all up for disaster if I come
in agreement with that foolishness. So what we're not gonna
(10:46):
do is just hope that this works out. Okay, we're
gonna have some expectations that this is gonna work. Now
the work of it is going to get you to
the fulfillment of the expectation.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
But that's another story for another day.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Today we're talking about what do you do when you realize, oh, snow,
this is a lot harder than I thought it was. Okay,
so we're going to take a quick break for a
word from our sponsor, and when we come back, I'm
going to get into some of the nitty gritties about
how to actually overcome this feeling of disappointment, how to
not allow it to destroy you or to destroy the
(11:19):
love that you've worked so hard to build. Don't go anywhere, friends,
We'll be right back. Most marriages don't break in one
big moment. They usually erode through distance, disappointment, and unresolved conflict.
I'm excited to share that my brand new book, Tried
and True will release in January twenty twenty six. If
your marriage is under pressure, you don't have to guess
your next step. Tried and True will help you get
(11:42):
on the list to receive my free Companion five day
devotional to help you to reflect and reconnect as you
build a more resilient marriage. Go to Danishey dot com
for it slash Tried and True to get on the list.
That's da na Che dot com for it slash Tried
and True.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
All right, my friends, we're back.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
So before the break, we were talking about disappointment and
why I really encourage you to set some high expectations
in your marriage. There are two couples. Let me tell
you about the book. Okay, so the book is called
Tried and true. And this book is based on twelve
Biblical couples that had hot mess marriages. Okay, I know one,
we'll read the Bible a lot of times we like
(12:22):
deify these folks. We think that they're perfect, they didn't
have any problems, that they just walked around and say,
I'm thus say at the Lord if like all the time, y'all. No,
the reason that these folks are in the Bible is
to show us that we are not as bad off
as we thought. Like we are bad off, I mean,
we need Jesus, we need a savior. But what I'm
(12:42):
saying is that, like the Bible says, there is no
temptation that is not common to man.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Every single human being who.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Has ever lived has gone through hot messes, including the
folks in the Bible. So there's twelve biblical couples that
I'm going to be really getting into the nitty gritties
of their story. Some of these couples are well known,
you know about them, like Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah.
But some of them are a little more abstract, like
Deborah and Lapidov or Jacob and Leah. A lot of
(13:09):
people talk about Jacob and Rachel, But what about Leah?
Like I love this chapter, okay, because I've really studied
Leah and what we know of her, and I've you know,
fictionalized parts of her character just based on what would
have been appropriate at that time.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So I'm really excited for you all to read that chapter.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
But I also talk about couples like Anonias and Saphirah,
David and Michael. You know who Michael is. You probably
don't because we don't talk about her a lot. Talk
about Abigail and Nabel. Her husband was a fool. His
parents named him fool. Like that's a whole story. So anyway,
I go through these twelve different couples, and one of
the couples or two of the couples actually wanted to
(13:48):
talk about the further remainder of this podcast is Adam
and Eve and I want to talk to you about
Jacob and Leah. And the reason that I want to
talk to you about these two couples are because Adam
and Eve face made disappointment right like they were in
a situation of literal bliss, perfection, paradise and then one
(14:10):
bad decision, like one bad choice, and it wasn't even
like a choice to kill somebody.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
It was I'm gonna eat this fruit.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
One bad decision because if they were disobedient, obviously the
Lord told them not to eat the fruit. One bad
decision totally changed everything and what they expected changed in
a moment. And so I think that they are a
great template to look at. How did they navigate that disappointment.
We don't read that they divorced. We don't read that
they separated. We read that they had a whole bunch
(14:41):
of kids. Thank god we're here because of that, right.
We read that they left the garden Ie got kicked
out by God of the garden together. So they were like,
we're going to struggle together. We're gonna be out here
trying to figure out how to make this life work
out here in this wilderness when we just left Paradise,
like they stayed together. And I think that they are
a good model because they face disappointment. Imagine Adam when
(15:06):
he was like, are you serious, Eve, Like we're getting
kicked out of the garden because you wanted to have
a conversation with a serpent. I mean, Adam could have
been very resentful. Eve could have been very resentful, like
why didn't you protect me from this. How come you
saw this serpent talking to me and you were over
there eating figs and stuff and not coming over here
(15:26):
and telling me to stop talking to it? Like. They
could have blamed each other, which they did, but they
could have disconnected completely, which they didn't. And so I
think that they are a really good model to look at.
They navigated disappointment. Well, when we think about Jacob and Leah,
I want you to think about, if you know the
(15:46):
story of Jacob and Leah and the Book of Genesis,
I want you to think about what the morning after
must have looked like for Leah. So I'm just kind
of set up the story real quick. Jacob is the
grandson of Abraham, and he goes to Laban, who's his
mother's brother, Okay, because his brother, Jacob's brother Esau, was
(16:07):
gonna kill him, Okay, So his mom sends him off
to this place called pat and Aram, and so he
lives with his uncle. His uncle has two daughters, or
at least two, may have had more, but these are
the two that we know about, Leah and Rachel, and
the Bible says that Jacob loved Rachel. He saw her
and was like that is the woman for me, loved her,
and so he asked Laban, Rachel's dad, can I have
(16:29):
her in marriage. Laban was like, of course, if you
work for me for seven years. So Jacob was like,
no problem. I love Rachel, I'm not gonna work for
I'll work for you forever.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
So when he goes into his wedding bed, and you
have to understand that Biblical marriages were not like they
are today. So the bride was usually fully covered, including
a darkened veil, and so a lot of times her
husband did not see her face until the next morning.
All right, So Jacob marries who he thinks is Rachel,
(17:01):
but their father had tricked him, and so he gave Leah,
who was the older daughter, gave her to Jacob instead.
The problem is Laban didn't tell Jacob and he didn't
tell Leah. So the next morning they wake up. You
want to talk about disappointment. Jacob is thinking that he's
waking up to the woman of his dreams, and Leah
(17:22):
is waking up thinking that this man married her.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
And he had been tricked.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
I want you to imagine what Leah felt like in
that moment, and maybe you got married and you feel like,
I'm not meeting my spouse's expectations. They expected me to
be this other person or they expected me to act
a certain way, and I know I'm not meeting their expectations.
How does that make you feel? That's how Leah felt disappointment. Now,
(17:52):
interestingly enough, Jacob could have divorced her, but he didn't.
He goes to Laban, he's hot. He's like, yo, man,
what and the what? Right? Like? I did what you
told me to do. I said I was gonna work
for you for seven years. You gave me this other woman.
And Laban's like, oh, my bad man.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Listen. In our culture, we give the older daughter away
before the younger.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Jacob's like, well, nobody told me that, and so Laban goes,
but don't worry about it. I'll give you Rachel too
if you work another seven years.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
So here Jacob is having to work fourteen years for
this woman that he loved, Rachel, but he doesn't divorce Leah.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
He gets Rachel too, And that's a hot mess, all right.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So I want to talk about Leah's disappointment and how
she had to navigate that through many years of knowing
that she was not Jacob her husband's first pick, or
even a pick he did not want her. And I
know that things have changed dramatically right in our culture
where if you that's called you can get a moment
(18:56):
for that. Right Like, if you marry someone and they're
literally not the person that you thought you were going
to marry, that's called fraud, and so you can get
in annulment. But think about it not as literal and
more figuratively. You get married and the person that you
married is not who you thought you married. I think
a lot of people can identify with that.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
So what do you do?
Speaker 2 (19:18):
How do you navigate that disappointment? Well, I think first
of all, you have to manage your expectations.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Why did I think this person was going to be
this way?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Is that the behavior that they showed you maybe why
you were dating And if you're like, yes, that's exactly
who they showed me, Okay, well then how long did
you date them? Did you vet them against any of
their friends or their family, did you watch them in
any other environment other than the environment that you two created.
This is why I always tell especially young people, don't
have your little secret relationship off to the side somewhere
(19:49):
when nobody can see it, because you're doing yourself a disservice.
You need to see that person in their natural habitats.
You need to see them and their family of origin.
You need to see all that dysfunction that you're about
to sign up for. You need to see how they
treat their friends. You need to see how they are
at work. You need to see them in all of
these different environments so that you get a full orbed
(20:10):
picture of who this person actually is and that will
help you. That's proactive, right. But let's say you did
all that. Let's just say you did all that and
you get married and this person still is not who
you think, or maybe they've grown into someone that you
don't like.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
You remember your covenant? Jacob remembered the covenant he made
to Leah. He could have divorced her, but he chose
not to. And there's a podcast episode that's going to
be coming up in a few weeks and it's talking
about the strength to stay. And I think a lot
of people don't talk about that because in our culture now,
it's very normative that if you're not happy in your marriage,
(20:47):
you leave and people will applaud you for that. People
will say, you know what, I get it. You know,
life is too short and if you're not happy, you
got to be happy. And I'm gonna talk about that
in that podcast episode. I'm not gonna get into it now,
but I think that there's a strength to staying. Now.
I'm not saying, hopefully y'all know me by now. I'm
not saying you stay in an abusive marriage, you stay
(21:10):
in a marriage that is somehow dangerous for you or
your children. Like, that's not at all what I'm saying.
But there there is a strength to staying. So when
you are disappointed because the person that you are married
to is not who you thought they were, you first
remember your covenant and then you do something that a
lot of people don't talk about, which is you don't
(21:31):
lower your expectations. You negotiate your expectations. You tell your
spouse these are the things, sir or ma'am that we
agree to before getting married. We need to come to
the table and renegotiate some stuff. Okay, because when I
got married, I didn't say that I was going to
(21:53):
be cleaning this kitchen every single day. So we're going
to need to renegotiate so that we can both be
happy and fulfilled in this marriage. Remember your covenant, renegotiate
your expectations, and trust the Lord. Like y'all, if you've
been a Christian for a while, we say this stuff
and it becomes just like ropes trust God. I mean,
(22:15):
there's T shirts and means and all the things, but
don't nobody be trusting God. I mean, I'm sorry for
saying it like that, but like, truthfully, we gotta trust God. Man,
Trust God, bro, Like that's a whole nother T shirt, Like,
really trust him. Because pressure does not signify that your
(22:37):
marriage is broken.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
It just reveals weak spots.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Right. You have to understand that pressure is actually a
good thing for you. And see, this is why we
have a generation that lacks resilience because we good intended parents,
millennial parents wanted to shield our kids from all harm
and pain. So these kids have no skills with bouncing back.
(23:07):
And then they're getting married and the slightest disappointments are
coming their way and they're like, I can't do this.
This is too much for my emotional health. I need
a therapist. It's like, ma'am, your husband just like forgot
to call you and tell you that he was running late,
like what are we doing? But they don't have the
strength because strength is forged under pressure. My God, I
(23:30):
feel a sermon. Strength is forged under pressure. So you
will not grow stronger in any area of your life
if you do not have pressure. So when you are
faced with a marriage that is harder than you ever expected,
know that you are in good company.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You are not alone.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And I don't say that as some you know, greeting
card encouragement. I literally mean that you are not by
your self. If you are in Christ, if you know
the Lord, he is with you. This is why covenant matters.
If you're just out here trying to figure out your
life by yourself and that looks like a good idea,
(24:14):
that looks like a good mate, Yeah, like you should
be concerned. But if you have God on your side,
and if you have a relationship with him, you talk
to him, you pray, you involve him in your decisions,
you're seeking his will. You're not by yourself, and there's
nothing that he can't fix. But oftentimes before God fixes
(24:37):
our situation, he wants to fix us. So let him
do what he needs to do and you, and he
often does that through trials. That's what my book's about.
That's why it's called Tried and True. How God uses
the trials in our life to refine us, to shape us,
to mold us, to make us more like him.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
So I want to.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Encourage you today. If you are in a marriage and
it feels so hard, I understand and I empathize with you.
I have been there, not like once fourteen years ago. No,
I can part there sometimes, y'all.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I get it. This is real.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
But you know what else is real? Your ability to
withstand the pressure. Let God refine you, let him shape you,
let him grow you up in areas, and you're gonna
make it. Don't shrink back from the expectations. Don't let
(25:40):
that disconnection cause you or I'm sorry that disappointment will
cause you to disconnect. Stay in the game, be intentional.
Keep listening to this podcast and other resources, because I'm
gonna help you over these next four weeks. I'm doing
a little mini series here. I'm gonna help you to
understand how your marriage can become tried to true. But
(26:01):
before it becomes true, you got to go through the trials.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I know that part. But we're gonna make it together.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
So You can learn more about the book by going
to danashade dot com Fort Slash, Tried and True, the
Word and So Tried, A and D True, And I
also have a free resource that I'm going to share
with you because y'all know I love to give you
things that are going to help you, So I've created
a five day devotional that is a perfect companion to
this book.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
You can get the devotional before you even get the book.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
The book's not going to release until January of twenty
twenty six, so depending on when you're listening to this,
the book may already be out or it may not
be out yet. But you can get this free five
day companion devotional simply by going to danashade dot com Ford.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Slash, Tried and True.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Thanks so much for listening, and I will see you
on the next episode.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
To take care
Life Audio.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Hey friends, it's Dying Ache and you're listening to the
Rebuilding Us Marriage podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I am beyond.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Excited to share with you all that in just a
few weeks, my brand new book, Tried and True is
going to release and I'm literally sitting here trying to
hold it together because I had been working on this book.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
For a long time.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
And the truth is, I wrote this book in about
two weeks.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
I know that seems crazy, but let me tell you something.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
When God gives you an idea and he just drops
and on you, it doesn't take a long time necessarily
to execute it.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
So I'll talk to you more about the book later.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
This podcast episode today is going to kind of give
you an inside peete on one of the biggest issues
why I even wrote this book, and it's because a
lot of people get married and they realize that marriage
is a lot harder, a lot harder than they ever
expected it to be. We know, we hear people say
(01:05):
marriage is gonna be hard, marriage takes work, You're gonna
have to do this and that, and we hear all
the advice. But the truth is, I think a lot
of people go into marriage with really high expectations, really
believing for the best, which is great, and then they
get married and it's just hard. Marriage is just hard sometimes,
(01:26):
And so I want to talk to you specifically if
that is you, if you feel like I have been
disappointed by my husband or my wife or myself, or
I have just been disappointed in marriage in general. I
thought that I was going to be married to my
best friend. We were going to go through some stuff, yes,
but like what I'm experiencing Dana is like next level.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
I want to talk directly to you today.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
So let me first start off by saying that disappointment
happens to everyone. I don't care where you are in
your life, what season you're in in your life. You
could be a multi billion and you are going to
experience disappointment in some.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Areas of your life.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
And I think that when we go into marriage not
realizing that disappointment is a part of the package, like
you might as well stand at the altar and say,
I vow to disappoint you and to be disappointed by you,
because it's gonna happen. It's probably gonna happen like in
your first week. It just is, that's a normal part
of relationships. You're gonna walk through disappointment. However, disappointment does
(02:29):
not mean disengagements. Let me say that again, disappointment does
not mean disengagement. Just because your heart has been broken,
just because your ideals have not been met, just because
you have been disappointed, does not mean that you have
to disengage from the marriage. It doesn't mean that you
get to shrink back and say, well, I gave it
my best, it's been six months. No, just because you're
(02:51):
been disappointed does not mean that you need to disengage.
So what do you do though, when you're disappointed? Do
we just pretend like it's all good? Do we just
hope for the best? Do we just wait it out? No?
I believe that there are some things that you can
do to help that disappointment to not take you out. Okay,
so that's another podcast, for another episode. I just really
(03:12):
want to set the stage though, right now, for those
of you who are like, this is hard and I
don't know if I'm going to be able to do
this for another two years or five years. I don't
know if I'm going to be able to make it,
and so I want to start off by telling you
that most couples go into marriage completely unprepared the vast majority,
(03:33):
trust me, you all. I do premarital counseling, and I
love aline couples, I really do. And I'll talk to
these sweet couples. Some of them are young, some not
so young. Some of them are in their second or
third marriages, and they're going into this thing with all
of these ideals and all of these checkboxes and all
of these hopes. And I'm not telling you not to hope.
(03:54):
I mean, I'm a huge believer in hope. I hope
is what actually gives you that faith to door. However,
I think that a lot of couples just go into
marriage completely unprepared for, like the real of it, the
messy of it, the middle part, the long game, the it's.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Not gonna be you know, peaches and cream. Every day.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You're gonna lose interest sometimes, Like I'm just gonna be
real with you, like, sometimes you're gonna just lose interest
in your spouse. And if you don't know that, then
you're gonna think something's wrong with me, something's wrong with them.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I don't know if this is gonna work.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
So I just want to settle some anxieties right now
to let you know that most couples understand this, Like,
most couples are going into marriages completely unprepared. And so
what happens when you go into a marriage You think
that you're prepared, Maybe you did your premarital counseling. You
uh talk to your parents, You talk to your spouse's parents,
(04:46):
the families get along. Like from the outside, everything looks
like this should work, but for whatever reason, it's not working.
So let me first start off by telling you that
there is a grief that a lot of couples feel.
Because of their disappointment, and because nobody's really talking about this,
people don't know what to do with grief, Like they
don't know. They're like, can I tell my spouse that
(05:08):
I'm grieving? What I thought was?
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I don't want to.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Hurt their feelings. I don't want them to become insecure.
I don't want them to start asking me a whole
bunch of questions. I don't want them to not trust me.
I don't want them to think that I'm telling them
that I want a divorce. Like they're all of these
factors that are surrounding our reasons why we don't speak up,
why we don't address the grief one. A lot of
times we don't even understand what the grief is ourselves.
(05:31):
We're trying to figure out, like what is this? And
grief takes on many forms. Sometimes grief looks like hopelessness.
It's not that you're hopeless about your marriage. It's just
that you're grieving. You're grieving what you thought would be.
Maybe you thought when you got married, you and your
spouse would spend long nights on the couch talking about
(05:53):
your dreams and desires.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
And you have not spent not one.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Narry night on a couch talking about a dream, nor
a desire. And so now you're like, well, shoot, what
do I do with that?
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Right, there's grief.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
And grief doesn't necessarily mean that you're crying and that
you're like depressed. It just means that there's a longing,
there's a missing, there's there's this absence. Right, think about
like when someone passes away, there's that longing for that person,
there's that they're not there anymore. There's an absence. And
so that's what grief does. And so if you don't
understand how to manage your expectations, don't diminish them. And
(06:29):
I'm going to talk about that in a second. But
if you don't know how to manage your expectations, then
you're gonna be grieving your entire marriage. So let me
just let you know that I believe, and I've said this.
I haven't said it in a while, but I've said
this on other shows. The default of marriage is disconnection,
(06:49):
not connection.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
What do I mean by that?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
You know, I often talk about this analogy of a
canoe out on a lake. If that canoe is not
heathered or tied to something like a dock or another boat,
when the winds come, natural winds. I'm not talking about
hurricane force winds. I'm just talking about natural winds. When
the winds come, the default of that canoe is that
(07:14):
it's going to drift. That's what happens in marriage when
the winds come, just normal stuff, right, lifing. When that happens,
your natural default is not connection. It is drifting. It
is disconnection. So what you need to be aware of
(07:35):
is that you have to be intentional to stay connected.
The busier you are, the more drift is going to
show up in your relationship. So you have to be
intentional about spending extra quality time. If you're very busy,
if you're very different, if one person's not a talker,
(07:56):
one person's not in tune with their emotional side. Like,
all these different factors that exist in different couples really
up the ante for how intentional you have to be
so that you don't you don't disconnect. Okay, So the
default of marriage is not connection, it's disconnection. And that
doesn't mean that it's normative that you should just stay disconnected.
(08:17):
It doesn't mean like hey, Dana said that we're just
supposed to be disconnected because that's the default.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
No, that's the normal, right.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's just like, if you this is such a horrible example,
I'm sorry, it's the first thing that popped in my mind.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
It's like, if you don't take a shower.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
The normal process of that is that you are going
to stink it, right, So don't just stink take a shower, right, Like,
fix it?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
And this is what I'm telling you.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Disconnection is the default, but you don't have to stay disconnected.
You can clean it up, you can fix it. But
when you're not even talking about why are we disconnected?
The disconnection is usually tied to a disappointment. So if
we can't even talk about our disappointment, how are we
gonna ever reconnect? So there is a danger that a
(09:09):
lot of people have. I think i've shared this story before.
Sewan and I were in Italy in twenty sixteen and
we got on the elevator.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I don't know why I remember this.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
This was like a This was like a light bulb
moment in my life because I've shared this story at
least fifty two times. We get them this elevator and
there's this girl that walks in the elevator and she
had on a sweatshirt or a T shirt that said
no expectations, no disappointments, And I literally just felt so
sorry for her. I wanted to just pull her aside
(09:39):
and be like, let's talk about this, you know, because
if you live your life in such a way that
I'm just not going to expect anything that way, I
won't be disappointed when the whatever happens. Man, that's just
like living so far beneath your potential, and that's not
allowing yourself to feel all the good things that could
(10:00):
come your way. And so I want to really encourage
you to set expectations in your marriage. Don't hide and
don't shy away from those expectations that you have of
your spouse, that you have of yourself, that you have
of your marriage. You should go into marriage fully expecting.
You should go into marriage fully expecting that we are
(10:21):
going to last until death to us part.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
When I meet.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Couples and they're like, you know, I really hope this last,
I'm like, oh, I'm not your girl. Sorry, like love you,
but I'm gonna have to send you somebody else because
I cannot help you to hope for I hope this
really works out. Like that is such a low bar,
and I'm setting y'all up for disaster if I come
in agreement with that foolishness. So what we're not gonna
(10:46):
do is just hope that this works out. Okay, we're
gonna have some expectations that this is gonna work. Now
the work of it is going to get you to
the fulfillment of the expectation.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
But that's another story for another day.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Today we're talking about what do you do when you realize, oh, snow,
this is a lot harder than I thought it was. Okay,
so we're going to take a quick break for a
word from our sponsor, and when we come back, I'm
going to get into some of the nitty gritties about
how to actually overcome this feeling of disappointment, how to
not allow it to destroy you or to destroy the
(11:19):
love that you've worked so hard to build. Don't go anywhere, friends,
We'll be right back. Most marriages don't break in one
big moment. They usually erode through distance, disappointment, and unresolved conflict.
I'm excited to share that my brand new book, Tried
and True will release in January twenty twenty six. If
your marriage is under pressure, you don't have to guess
your next step. Tried and True will help you get
(11:42):
on the list to receive my free Companion five day
devotional to help you to reflect and reconnect as you
build a more resilient marriage. Go to Danishey dot com
for it slash Tried and True to get on the list.
That's da na Che dot com for it slash Tried
and True.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
All right, my friends, we're back.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
So before the break, we were talking about disappointment and
why I really encourage you to set some high expectations
in your marriage. There are two couples. Let me tell
you about the book. Okay, so the book is called
Tried and true. And this book is based on twelve
Biblical couples that had hot mess marriages. Okay, I know one,
we'll read the Bible a lot of times we like
(12:22):
deify these folks. We think that they're perfect, they didn't
have any problems, that they just walked around and say,
I'm thus say at the Lord if like all the time, y'all. No,
the reason that these folks are in the Bible is
to show us that we are not as bad off
as we thought. Like we are bad off, I mean,
we need Jesus, we need a savior. But what I'm
(12:42):
saying is that, like the Bible says, there is no
temptation that is not common to man.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Every single human being who.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Has ever lived has gone through hot messes, including the
folks in the Bible. So there's twelve biblical couples that
I'm going to be really getting into the nitty gritties
of their story. Some of these couples are well known,
you know about them, like Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah.
But some of them are a little more abstract, like
Deborah and Lapidov or Jacob and Leah. A lot of
(13:09):
people talk about Jacob and Rachel, But what about Leah?
Like I love this chapter, okay, because I've really studied
Leah and what we know of her, and I've you know,
fictionalized parts of her character just based on what would
have been appropriate at that time.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So I'm really excited for you all to read that chapter.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
But I also talk about couples like Anonias and Saphirah,
David and Michael. You know who Michael is. You probably
don't because we don't talk about her a lot. Talk
about Abigail and Nabel. Her husband was a fool. His
parents named him fool. Like that's a whole story. So anyway,
I go through these twelve different couples, and one of
the couples or two of the couples actually wanted to
(13:48):
talk about the further remainder of this podcast is Adam
and Eve and I want to talk to you about
Jacob and Leah. And the reason that I want to
talk to you about these two couples are because Adam
and Eve face made disappointment right like they were in
a situation of literal bliss, perfection, paradise and then one
(14:10):
bad decision, like one bad choice, and it wasn't even
like a choice to kill somebody.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
It was I'm gonna eat this fruit.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
One bad decision because if they were disobedient, obviously the
Lord told them not to eat the fruit. One bad
decision totally changed everything and what they expected changed in
a moment. And so I think that they are a
great template to look at. How did they navigate that disappointment.
We don't read that they divorced. We don't read that
they separated. We read that they had a whole bunch
(14:41):
of kids. Thank god we're here because of that, right.
We read that they left the garden Ie got kicked
out by God of the garden together. So they were like,
we're going to struggle together. We're gonna be out here
trying to figure out how to make this life work
out here in this wilderness when we just left Paradise,
like they stayed together. And I think that they are
a good model because they face disappointment. Imagine Adam when
(15:06):
he was like, are you serious, Eve, Like we're getting
kicked out of the garden because you wanted to have
a conversation with a serpent. I mean, Adam could have
been very resentful. Eve could have been very resentful, like
why didn't you protect me from this. How come you
saw this serpent talking to me and you were over
there eating figs and stuff and not coming over here
(15:26):
and telling me to stop talking to it? Like. They
could have blamed each other, which they did, but they
could have disconnected completely, which they didn't. And so I
think that they are a really good model to look at.
They navigated disappointment. Well, when we think about Jacob and Leah,
I want you to think about, if you know the
(15:46):
story of Jacob and Leah and the Book of Genesis,
I want you to think about what the morning after
must have looked like for Leah. So I'm just kind
of set up the story real quick. Jacob is the
grandson of Abraham, and he goes to Laban, who's his
mother's brother, Okay, because his brother, Jacob's brother Esau, was
(16:07):
gonna kill him, Okay, So his mom sends him off
to this place called pat and Aram, and so he
lives with his uncle. His uncle has two daughters, or
at least two, may have had more, but these are
the two that we know about, Leah and Rachel, and
the Bible says that Jacob loved Rachel. He saw her
and was like that is the woman for me, loved her,
and so he asked Laban, Rachel's dad, can I have
(16:29):
her in marriage. Laban was like, of course, if you
work for me for seven years. So Jacob was like,
no problem. I love Rachel, I'm not gonna work for
I'll work for you forever.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
So when he goes into his wedding bed, and you
have to understand that Biblical marriages were not like they
are today. So the bride was usually fully covered, including
a darkened veil, and so a lot of times her
husband did not see her face until the next morning.
All right, So Jacob marries who he thinks is Rachel,
(17:01):
but their father had tricked him, and so he gave Leah,
who was the older daughter, gave her to Jacob instead.
The problem is Laban didn't tell Jacob and he didn't
tell Leah. So the next morning they wake up. You
want to talk about disappointment. Jacob is thinking that he's
waking up to the woman of his dreams, and Leah
(17:22):
is waking up thinking that this man married her.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
And he had been tricked.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
I want you to imagine what Leah felt like in
that moment, and maybe you got married and you feel like,
I'm not meeting my spouse's expectations. They expected me to
be this other person or they expected me to act
a certain way, and I know I'm not meeting their expectations.
How does that make you feel? That's how Leah felt disappointment. Now,
(17:52):
interestingly enough, Jacob could have divorced her, but he didn't.
He goes to Laban, he's hot. He's like, yo, man,
what and the what? Right? Like? I did what you
told me to do. I said I was gonna work
for you for seven years. You gave me this other woman.
And Laban's like, oh, my bad man.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Listen. In our culture, we give the older daughter away
before the younger.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Jacob's like, well, nobody told me that, and so Laban goes,
but don't worry about it. I'll give you Rachel too
if you work another seven years.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
So here Jacob is having to work fourteen years for
this woman that he loved, Rachel, but he doesn't divorce Leah.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
He gets Rachel too, And that's a hot mess, all right.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So I want to talk about Leah's disappointment and how
she had to navigate that through many years of knowing
that she was not Jacob her husband's first pick, or
even a pick he did not want her. And I
know that things have changed dramatically right in our culture
where if you that's called you can get a moment
(18:56):
for that. Right Like, if you marry someone and they're
literally not the person that you thought you were going
to marry, that's called fraud, and so you can get
in annulment. But think about it not as literal and
more figuratively. You get married and the person that you
married is not who you thought you married. I think
a lot of people can identify with that.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
So what do you do?
Speaker 2 (19:18):
How do you navigate that disappointment? Well, I think first
of all, you have to manage your expectations.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Why did I think this person was going to be
this way?
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Is that the behavior that they showed you maybe why
you were dating And if you're like, yes, that's exactly
who they showed me, Okay, well then how long did
you date them? Did you vet them against any of
their friends or their family, did you watch them in
any other environment other than the environment that you two created.
This is why I always tell especially young people, don't
have your little secret relationship off to the side somewhere
(19:49):
when nobody can see it, because you're doing yourself a disservice.
You need to see that person in their natural habitats.
You need to see them and their family of origin.
You need to see all that dysfunction that you're about
to sign up for. You need to see how they
treat their friends. You need to see how they are
at work. You need to see them in all of
these different environments so that you get a full orbed
(20:10):
picture of who this person actually is and that will
help you. That's proactive, right. But let's say you did
all that. Let's just say you did all that and
you get married and this person still is not who
you think, or maybe they've grown into someone that you
don't like.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (20:26):
You remember your covenant? Jacob remembered the covenant he made
to Leah. He could have divorced her, but he chose
not to. And there's a podcast episode that's going to
be coming up in a few weeks and it's talking
about the strength to stay. And I think a lot
of people don't talk about that because in our culture now,
it's very normative that if you're not happy in your marriage,
(20:47):
you leave and people will applaud you for that. People
will say, you know what, I get it. You know,
life is too short and if you're not happy, you
got to be happy. And I'm gonna talk about that
in that podcast episode. I'm not gonna get into it now,
but I think that there's a strength to staying. Now.
I'm not saying, hopefully y'all know me by now. I'm
not saying you stay in an abusive marriage, you stay
(21:10):
in a marriage that is somehow dangerous for you or
your children. Like, that's not at all what I'm saying.
But there there is a strength to staying. So when
you are disappointed because the person that you are married
to is not who you thought they were, you first
remember your covenant and then you do something that a
lot of people don't talk about, which is you don't
(21:31):
lower your expectations. You negotiate your expectations. You tell your
spouse these are the things, sir or ma'am that we
agree to before getting married. We need to come to
the table and renegotiate some stuff. Okay, because when I
got married, I didn't say that I was going to
(21:53):
be cleaning this kitchen every single day. So we're going
to need to renegotiate so that we can both be
happy and fulfilled in this marriage. Remember your covenant, renegotiate
your expectations, and trust the Lord. Like y'all, if you've
been a Christian for a while, we say this stuff
and it becomes just like ropes trust God. I mean,
(22:15):
there's T shirts and means and all the things, but
don't nobody be trusting God. I mean, I'm sorry for
saying it like that, but like, truthfully, we gotta trust God. Man,
Trust God, bro, Like that's a whole nother T shirt, Like,
really trust him. Because pressure does not signify that your
(22:37):
marriage is broken.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
It just reveals weak spots.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Right. You have to understand that pressure is actually a
good thing for you. And see, this is why we
have a generation that lacks resilience because we good intended parents,
millennial parents wanted to shield our kids from all harm
and pain. So these kids have no skills with bouncing back.
(23:07):
And then they're getting married and the slightest disappointments are
coming their way and they're like, I can't do this.
This is too much for my emotional health. I need
a therapist. It's like, ma'am, your husband just like forgot
to call you and tell you that he was running late,
like what are we doing? But they don't have the
strength because strength is forged under pressure. My God, I
(23:30):
feel a sermon. Strength is forged under pressure. So you
will not grow stronger in any area of your life
if you do not have pressure. So when you are
faced with a marriage that is harder than you ever expected,
know that you are in good company.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You are not alone.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And I don't say that as some you know, greeting
card encouragement. I literally mean that you are not by
your self. If you are in Christ, if you know
the Lord, he is with you. This is why covenant matters.
If you're just out here trying to figure out your
life by yourself and that looks like a good idea,
(24:14):
that looks like a good mate, Yeah, like you should
be concerned. But if you have God on your side,
and if you have a relationship with him, you talk
to him, you pray, you involve him in your decisions,
you're seeking his will. You're not by yourself, and there's
nothing that he can't fix. But oftentimes before God fixes
(24:37):
our situation, he wants to fix us. So let him
do what he needs to do and you, and he
often does that through trials. That's what my book's about.
That's why it's called Tried and True. How God uses
the trials in our life to refine us, to shape us,
to mold us, to make us more like him.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
So I want to.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Encourage you today. If you are in a marriage and
it feels so hard, I understand and I empathize with you.
I have been there, not like once fourteen years ago. No,
I can part there sometimes, y'all.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I get it. This is real.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
But you know what else is real? Your ability to
withstand the pressure. Let God refine you, let him shape you,
let him grow you up in areas, and you're gonna
make it. Don't shrink back from the expectations. Don't let
(25:40):
that disconnection cause you or I'm sorry that disappointment will
cause you to disconnect. Stay in the game, be intentional.
Keep listening to this podcast and other resources, because I'm
gonna help you over these next four weeks. I'm doing
a little mini series here. I'm gonna help you to
understand how your marriage can become tried to true. But
(26:01):
before it becomes true, you got to go through the trials.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
I know that part. But we're gonna make it together.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
So You can learn more about the book by going
to danashade dot com Fort Slash, Tried and True, the
Word and So Tried, A and D True, And I
also have a free resource that I'm going to share
with you because y'all know I love to give you
things that are going to help you, So I've created
a five day devotional that is a perfect companion to
this book.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
You can get the devotional before you even get the book.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
The book's not going to release until January of twenty
twenty six, so depending on when you're listening to this,
the book may already be out or it may not
be out yet. But you can get this free five
day companion devotional simply by going to danashade dot com Ford.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Slash, Tried and True.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Thanks so much for listening, and I will see you
on the next episode.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
To take care
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.