Andrew's Redemption: How Andrew Rekindled the Flame of His Marriage After Years of Unwanted Porn Use
September 12, 2023 • 21 mins
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Have you ever grappled with the claws of addiction and found yourself at the point of giving up? In this moving conversation with Andrew, we unravel his journey of battling with porn, his search for acceptance, and eventually reclaiming his identity. Andrew bares his soul about his struggle with pornography and how it began from a place of low self-esteem and marital dissatisfaction. He walks us through his recovery with the Reclaimed 10-week journey for men, and he shares how the personalized coaching he received helped him understand his triggers and coax out his inner child.
In this episode, Andrew also speaks of the strain of parenthood and the slow drift apart from his wife he experienced years into their marriage. From the ashes of this troubled relationship emerges a tale of patience, grace, prayer, and ultimately, a rekindling. Andrew's story is a testament to the power of love, the strength of God's healing, and the beauty of forgiveness.
Finally, we delve into Andrew's journey of finding purpose and support in his recovery. Andrew speaks of his career in sales and how his new perspective has informed his professional life. We discuss the power of community and the role it played in helping him reclaim his identity, free of pornography. The episode concludes with an introduction to the Reclaimed 10-Week Journey, a program offering personalized coaching, group calls, and weekly videos to guide you toward a porn-free life. Visit https://reclaimedrecovery.com to find out more, and join us for this compelling tale of transformation, self-love, and acceptance.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kolton Thomas (00:00):
Welcome to the Reclaimed and Unashamed podcast.
We are helping men to rewiretheir brains and overcome the
shame that often surroundsunwanted pornography use.
I'm your host, Kolton Thomas,and we've arrived at episode 18,
where today I'm interviewingspecial guest Andrew, and today
is another testimonial, and Ilove doing these interviews
because, ultimately, it's whatit's all about.
(00:21):
We can talk about differenttechniques, we can talk about
different theories andframeworks, but getting to hear
from an individual who has hadthe courage to step forward, ask
for help and really work onhimself, and who has been
changed and transformed throughthat process and through the
community of other men justsurrounding him and encouraging
him, it all makes for a reallypowerful story that I can't wait
(00:42):
to share with you guys.
So let's get started.
Andrew, where do we even start?
Man, you just finished the 10week journey, and so the reason
why we're here is because Goddid some really, really amazing
things through your journey andit's been such an honor and
privilege for me to walk withyou through that and see some of
(01:02):
those changes in your life, andso we're here to talk about
those and celebrate those andshare about those, so that other
men can know that healing,change, transformation is
possible in their own lives.
And so, to start, why don't youtell us about before reclaimed?
So give us a little bit aboutyour story, and then even
(01:23):
leading right up to reclaimed,and then talk a little bit about
your decision to take reclaimedand why you decided to invest
in it.
Andrew (01:30):
Yeah, thanks, Kolton.
No, I just really appreciatethe time, the opportunity to
share what God's been doing inmy life with reclaimed.
I will say that this is aunique program that I can tell a
lot of thought and prayer hasgone into it, everything down to
the length of it, down to thelessons themselves.
Drawing on your own personalexperience, you poured your
(01:52):
whole self into this and I dowant to just thank you for
following God's call in yourlife to use your own story and
do something good right.
So for me, I've been married 17years and I did not start off
the porn addiction growing up,but I did carry some wounds that
we've discovered through theprocess.
(02:13):
Boy stuff like not feelingaccepted in my friend group,
having some bad coaches, justhaving kind of a low self-esteem
in growing up and even into myprofessional career, being
bullied at work, just all thesethings contributed to me feeling
kind of less than when I gotmarried.
I met my wife, those feelingsreally dissipated for a little
(02:35):
bit because she was feeling thatvoid, needing to feel affirmed
as a man.
And it's a big confidence boostto have a woman in your life
and she's committed to you, youcommitted to her.
So things were good for alittle while after we were
married.
But then after three kids, lifekind of set in and my wife's
body was changing and goingthrough some depression as well.
(02:58):
With the pandemic kind of led toa deepening addiction, I would
say, to pornography, whichreally began about 10 years ago.
But it really kind of went tothe next level during the
pandemic when we were lockeddown and I was just looking for
something to fill up this partof me that wanted to be
masculine, wanted to be affirmedand just didn't feel like I was
(03:22):
getting it in my marriage.
So it kind of took things intomy own hands literally with
pornography and just did not myspiritual walk.
At the time I was still seekingGod, going to church, but was
not growing and I always feltlike God was ashamed of me, that
I just couldn't approach himwith confidence.
So it really was just avoidingGod and I developed this kind of
(03:45):
a self-hatred, almost right,and I had tried therapy.
I had seen two therapists in thelast 10 years and the second
one was not helping me get tothe root of the issue and it was
just turned into me talking andhim listening and him
empathizing, but I never reallygot like an action plan like
(04:05):
this is an addiction.
We need to figure out a way toget over and get through it.
I wasn't getting it so kind of.
After that experience, afterspending a lot of money, I just
kind of gave up on it.
And so then my porn usecontinued until a friend of mine
recommended me get in touchwith Kolton and first I was like
what, why would I call this guy?
(04:27):
I mean, he's, you know, quite abit younger than me.
I don't know if he's got theonline.
Kolton Thomas (04:33):
Thing.
Andrew (04:34):
Yeah, so like Okay.
So I reached out to you and youknow you were so gracious, so
nice, and you know you reallylistened well and you had a lot
of wisdom even in that firstcall.
And so, you know, did somepraying about it, some
discussion with my wife.
I researched some otherprograms too, and none of them
offered the personalizedcoaching that your program
(04:56):
offers.
A lot of them had online videosand things like that, but not
the personal one-on-one that Iwas really looking for, and I'm
so glad I did.
I'm so glad I went with you andyour program because, like I
was saying earlier, I meanyou've put a lot of thought into
it.
Going back to your own story,I've learned to be curious about
why I struggle, because there'sa reason.
(05:18):
And you know, one thing thatreally stuck with me is that not
all of this is my fault.
Right, I mean these were woundsthat happened to me and that
the enemy is real and he buildsupon those lies.
I mean they become agreementsas we discuss and but at this
point you know I have sinned andI need to take responsibility
for that.
So what does that look like?
(05:39):
Right, it is, first of all,just understanding and being
curious, understanding thetriggers.
It is loving and acceptingyourself despite having sinned,
and for me that whole piece wasso huge, just loving myself.
You know, that was a really bigmoment for me is when I
realized, yeah, I mean, godstill loves me.
(06:00):
And when then also likeengaging my own inner child too,
and my own son, and measuringmyself because I do have a son
and just almost like puttingmyself in his shoes.
If he had gone through thethings that I went through and
then come to find out he had aporn struggle, of course I would
love him, I would not rejecthim right, which in my mind,
that's what I was thinking I wasdoing because of my sin.
(06:23):
So just embracing myself, myyounger self, I think, treating
this as a journey and not ascorekeeping exercise where I'm
counting the days that I haven'tsinned.
It's no, I'm counting the daysthat I've connected with the
Lord or I've been filled withhim, versus feeling bad about
myself for for sinning.
So I think my perspective hasreally changed.
(06:47):
Now I am, now I'm lookingforward at the future, I can
actually think about, like I'mexcited about what God's going
to do in my marriage and just inmy own career and just every
aspect of my life.
I have a different perspective.
I'm hopeful of good things andblessings that I believe are in
store because of you know, beenable to get over and outgrow
(07:07):
this addiction.
Yeah, awesome.
Kolton Thomas (07:08):
That's one way that I feel like the Lord has
really blessed.
Our work together is helpingmake some connections between
the head and the heart.
I think there's so much churchlingo that you know you are
valuable, you are loved, you domatter, and yet a lot of times
like it doesn't connect with ourheart until, as brothers, we
(07:29):
have an opportunity to reallylike, share and receive and
interact in a relationship.
Right and that's one of thethings about this program that's
just the Lord really blessed isa good friendship between us
and such a great workingrelationship in these calls that
you're able to break throughand make some connections
between your head and your heart.
That really made a bigdifference.
(07:50):
And you touched on yourmarriage, so why don't you speak
into the journey to overcomepornography and reclaimed and
how all that has also beenhaving a heavy impact and
shaping your marriage?
Andrew (08:04):
Yes.
So, as I said, you know westarted off, you know we were in
love, we had a really great andbeautiful sweet wedding and the
life kind of got in the waywith kids and things and you
know we kind of grew apart insome of our interests and things
like that and communicationdefinitely suffered.
But since reclaimed andlearning, you know to just
(08:25):
understand that my wife also ishaving issues.
It's you know I'm going throughsome stuff just like she is,
and so having that grace to heron that and even though my needs
may not be met, may not bebeing met at the time.
But you know, this is a part ofthe discipline that God is doing
.
I'm coming to believe and seethat it's all part of his plan,
(08:47):
right, but it takes me focusingon the problem that is the
number one issue that isdividing us is a lack of
faithfulness in my part byindulging in, you know, internet
porn.
So being honest with her aboutthat, having conversations with
her about the future, listening,learn to listen to what she is
(09:09):
going through and love her, andlove her despite that, despite
not getting my needs met, hasbeen huge for me, because it's
grace, right, it's all aboutextending her grace by her not
being able or willing to satisfyme.
That doesn't mean that I'm ableto then sin and take things in
my own hands, so it's just notGod's plan.
(09:30):
We both are need to be givingto each other versus taking, and
that's another one that'sreally kind of hit home.
But all that to be said, thelast several weeks of the
program, I just felt compelledto just connect with her and
pray really hard for her, and soI've been praying for her and
(09:51):
God kind of just opened somedoors the last couple of weeks.
On our 17th anniversary, wewere able to have a great
evening of connecting withintimacy that I haven't had with
her in a long time, in manyyears.
So it's just amazing to see Godwork and break down some of
those just insurmountable wallsthat I thought would never come
(10:14):
down, like I'm now finallystarting to see that God is
powerful, he's a God of miracles, he's working to break down
walls and barriers and I justthanks Kolton for being there,
listening, putting up with meand all my texts and calls and
emails.
You've been awesome, awesome inthis.
Kolton Thomas (10:36):
Yeah, and one of the beautiful things about
reclaimed is like guys that Iwork with, especially guys like
you, I feel like, who has such adeep heart and you have a lot
of wisdom in your own usefultips and tools to share that
you've shared back with me andthe reclaimed community.
And so I just want to point out, too, that the mentorship, the
benefit, is like a two way thingand you continue after the 10
(10:57):
weeks.
There's a lot of opportunitiesfor you to stay connected and
you are, and I love that so much.
And so, man, it's awesome, dudeman, if we just take a step
back and we think about howpowerful, how monumental it is
to experience like disconnectand a super important
relationship in our lives.
And relationships, as we allknow, at times they can seem
(11:19):
fragile and at times they cansee very complex and they can
seem nearly impossible to putback together once it feels like
they're falling apart.
Right, but we serve a God who,through relationships, through
community, through healing whenJesus promises that there will
be healing, that he can set youfree from something you're
(11:41):
struggling with and then youhave this moment, like you just
shared with your wife, that youhaven't had in years.
Wow, like that is.
To me, that's the evidence, thepower of God to work, change
and transformation and healingpeople's lives.
And you're living it, brother,and I'm getting to be along for
the experience and it's justbeen such a blessing and a
(12:02):
benefit.
Andrew (12:03):
It's just amazing to have hope right.
I just keep going back to theverse in Romans Do not be
conformed by patterns of thisworld, but be transformed by the
meaning of your mind.
But the second part of thatverse is just been ringing my
ears this whole 10 weeks.
Then you will be able to testand approve what God's will is
right.
His will is to prosper us, notto harm us, right.
(12:25):
And so that hope, right, thatpeace was.
I was just missing it and Ididn't have it, and now I do.
So it's just amazing.
God is so good.
Kolton Thomas (12:34):
Yes, and he definitely brought us together.
He definitely works throughpeople and relationships to do
that and it's the course.
It's the careful thoughtfulnessthat goes into it and teaching
a balanced and holistic approachto partner recovery, but it's
also just the relationships thatwe develop and reclaimed that
really help us break barriersand restore intimacy.
(12:56):
You mentioned loving, acceptingyourself being a big part of
your story, but intimacy withothers intimacy with our wives
or really importantrelationships in our lives If
you're single, helping you godeeper into your friendships and
relationships is something thata lot of guys experienced too
through this.
So you've got a powerfultestimony and story as far as
(13:19):
seeing how not only youinternally have grown and
developed, but like how yourmost important relationships in
your life have grown andbenefited and experienced deeper
intimacy too.
So, yeah, it's awesome, PraiseGod.
Andrew (13:34):
I mean also the weekly calls every Wednesday.
I've got to know three guysthat are in different states,
but they all are on the journeyand it just the atmosphere of
just support and being able tobe real and genuine.
It's just so needed now, andespecially in Christian circles,
in the church, where we put onour happy face and we're not
(13:57):
really honest about what'sreally going on, and so it's
really.
It's been very helpful too,just to be seen and for what I
really am and for what I'mreally struggling with, it's so
free and it's also really coolto be able to come alongside
other guys and help them andmeet them where they're at.
Kolton Thomas (14:14):
Yeah, awesome.
So, andrew, really quick, canyou mention what you do for work
?
Andrew (14:19):
Yeah, so I am in sales.
It's a job that requires a lotfrom me.
I lead a team of people and webasically service that account.
It's the largest account in theentire company and a lot of
pressure and there's a lot ofstress that I carry and I know a
lot of my teammates also have.
So it pays the bills.
(14:41):
It's a great job, but also inthis program, it's just been
able to just start thinkingclearly about what is my
redemptive risk?
What is it that I can do?
What are the skills that Godhas given me?
What is he trying to prompt meto do with the rest of my life?
I'm at this point now where wemake good money but I'm not
(15:01):
necessarily fulfilled in my jobat this moment.
So just the other thing thatrecline has helped me with is
just start to think about whatis it that God wants me to do
with my life, aside from whatI've kind of fell into as a
career?
But what is it that he's callingme to do, especially now that I
have this perspective that Ididn't have after taking
(15:22):
reclaimed and some thoughts anddreams?
One thing that I've talkedabout is just maybe it means
going back to school, maybebecause I've gone through this
program and I naturally enjoytalking with people and hearing
their heart and connecting at aheart level.
Maybe that means doingsomething in therapy, getting a
master's in that and completelychanging my career.
(15:43):
I mean, god is again, he's incontrol of my life and he wants
to mold me and use me in a waythat is only going to prosper me
according to what he's promised.
His yoke is easy, his burden islight and I'm just excited to
see where he takes me in that.
So that's kind of.
The next thing is praying andtalking to the wife about what
(16:07):
about this opportunity, thiskind of tug that I feel that
I've actually felt for a littlebit, but now it's stronger after
having gone through thisprogram.
Kolton Thomas (16:16):
Yeah, thanks for sharing that, Andrew, and I
think you'd make an excellentcounselor If you do make your
career shift into sort of therelational field or the healing
profession.
I think you'd do so, so greatat it, and so I just want to
share that with you.
And, yeah, that's another honorfor me.
When guys go through the program, a lot of times what guys don't
(16:37):
realize is that we are gettingvery practical about working on
sexual desire and control andurges.
But we also have to spend a lotof time thinking about deeper
meaning and purpose in our life,whether we're aligned right and
how we're feeling about thingsunderlying because our desires
(16:58):
right, our deeper desires, thegifts that God has given us and
the core longings that we havefor our lives that he's given us
that are good.
We've got to ask ourselves howmuch we feel like we're living
those out in a fulfilling way.
And that does not always haveto mean that we have to make a
big job shift or career shift orjump.
But when we look honestly at it, it might.
(17:21):
And I think reclaimed is allabout encouraging guys to be on
porn recovery.
What adjustments can you makein your life, even if they're
big adjustments, and how can wesupport you in doing that, to
continue to solidify and make aconcrete identity as someone who
is living porn free and is nolonger living underneath the
(17:44):
burden and the shame ofpornography.
And so it's really exciting tothink, like you said, about your
future, about having thisclarity about your gifts and
what might be fulfilling for you, and to see you step into that,
and our community is going tokeep encouraging you and rooting
you on support you and that.
Andrew (18:03):
So because the porn clouds everything.
You don't see what you're evengood at.
You can't hear God's voice.
If you're in this cycle of sin,shame, repentance, that's all
you can do.
I've got nothing.
I had no energy left foranything other than dealing with
the latest screw-up in my mind,and it was a vicious cycle.
(18:26):
But it's just been so good tobe able to see outside of that
cycle.
See that life.
There is more that God wants tobless me, wants to use me.
I firmly believe that the last10 years of just everything in
my life is preparing me forsomething else, something to
help other people.
I don't know what that lookslike, but God is good, he's
(18:46):
given me this experience andit's only going to help other
people.
So that's kind of where I'm atwith it.
Kolton Thomas (18:52):
Yeah, amen.
I mean, we're all people inneed of change, helping people
in need of change, and you are aprime candidate, with all the
tools and resources that youhave and the gifts God's given
you, to help people in need ofchange.
And so, again, I'm rooting foryou, cheering for you,
supporting you as you take stepsforward to do more and more of
that in your life, especiallynow that you've gone through
(19:14):
this internal journey over theselast 10 weeks and I feel like
you've got some things to pourout.
You really do to bless others,and so can't wait to see how God
does that in your life.
Andrew, thank you so much fortaking the time to do this, to
talk about your journey andexperience and, at the end of
the day, this conversation andof itself, I feel like it's a
celebration of what God's beendoing in your life.
(19:37):
So, on that note, do you haveanything else to say?
Andrew (19:40):
I would just say to you keep up the fight, Kolton.
You're just starting out onsomething that I think is going
to go a long way.
God's just starting with youand love to be able to love to
be able to continue to help andsupport and be there any way I
can and I don't know, we'll see.
Kolton Thomas (19:55):
Thank you so much , andrew.
Hope you have a wonderful restof your day and week and we'll
continue to see you around manon our group calls and
everything so awesome.
Yeah.
And so, for whoever is watchingthis, come download the app,
check it out, say hi to me orAndrew.
In the app, you can message us.
Anyways, thanks so much.
I hope that you are encouragedand inspired in your journey,
(20:15):
wherever you're at right nowwith pornography, and just know
that, no matter how deep in thetrenches you feel stuck, whether
that's in your marriage orwhether that's in work or just
really wrestling with low selfconfidence and esteem, just
whatever it is, you can getmomentum going in your life and
you can overcome those roles andobstacles with help from the
(20:38):
Lord, with community, withrelationships and with a very
thoughtful program, the rightinformation to help you take
steps in the right direction.
And so, anyways, thankseverybody.
Do you find yourself identifyingwith Andrew and struggling in a
season of pornography use?
Then I want to invite you toconsider the Reclaimed 10 Week
Journey.
This is a transformationalprogram that takes a
(21:00):
comprehensive approach.
It includes individualone-on-one coaching, community
support, including group calls,as well as weekly videos that
have actionable steps to keepyou moving forward.
So, if you think you might beready and you want to learn more
or get started, visitReclaimedRecoverycom.
That's ReclaimedRecoverycom,and from there you will be able
(21:21):
to find a link to request accessto our private app for men.
Once inside the app, you canreach directly out to me and
I'll be happy to help you getstarted on this powerful 10 week
experience so that you canbegin your journey living porn
free.
Welcome to the Reclaimed and Unashamed podcast.
We are helping men to rewiretheir brains and overcome the
shame that often surroundsunwanted pornography use.
I'm your host, Kolton Thomas,and we've arrived at episode 18,
where today I'm interviewingspecial guest Andrew, and today
is another testimonial, and Ilove doing these interviews
because, ultimately, it's whatit's all about.
(00:21):
We can talk about differenttechniques, we can talk about
different theories andframeworks, but getting to hear
from an individual who has hadthe courage to step forward, ask
for help and really work onhimself, and who has been
changed and transformed throughthat process and through the
community of other men justsurrounding him and encouraging
him, it all makes for a reallypowerful story that I can't wait
(00:42):
to share with you guys.
So let's get started.
Andrew, where do we even start?
Man, you just finished the 10week journey, and so the reason
why we're here is because Goddid some really, really amazing
things through your journey andit's been such an honor and
privilege for me to walk withyou through that and see some of
(01:02):
those changes in your life, andso we're here to talk about
those and celebrate those andshare about those, so that other
men can know that healing,change, transformation is
possible in their own lives.
And so, to start, why don't youtell us about before reclaimed?
So give us a little bit aboutyour story, and then even
(01:23):
leading right up to reclaimed,and then talk a little bit about
your decision to take reclaimedand why you decided to invest
in it.
Andrew (01:30):
Yeah, thanks, Kolton.
No, I just really appreciatethe time, the opportunity to
share what God's been doing inmy life with reclaimed.
I will say that this is aunique program that I can tell a
lot of thought and prayer hasgone into it, everything down to
the length of it, down to thelessons themselves.
Drawing on your own personalexperience, you poured your
(01:52):
whole self into this and I dowant to just thank you for
following God's call in yourlife to use your own story and
do something good right.
So for me, I've been married 17years and I did not start off
the porn addiction growing up,but I did carry some wounds that
we've discovered through theprocess.
(02:13):
Boy stuff like not feelingaccepted in my friend group,
having some bad coaches, justhaving kind of a low self-esteem
in growing up and even into myprofessional career, being
bullied at work, just all thesethings contributed to me feeling
kind of less than when I gotmarried.
I met my wife, those feelingsreally dissipated for a little
(02:35):
bit because she was feeling thatvoid, needing to feel affirmed
as a man.
And it's a big confidence boostto have a woman in your life
and she's committed to you, youcommitted to her.
So things were good for alittle while after we were
married.
But then after three kids, lifekind of set in and my wife's
body was changing and goingthrough some depression as well.
(02:58):
With the pandemic kind of led toa deepening addiction, I would
say, to pornography, whichreally began about 10 years ago.
But it really kind of went tothe next level during the
pandemic when we were lockeddown and I was just looking for
something to fill up this partof me that wanted to be
masculine, wanted to be affirmedand just didn't feel like I was
(03:22):
getting it in my marriage.
So it kind of took things intomy own hands literally with
pornography and just did not myspiritual walk.
At the time I was still seekingGod, going to church, but was
not growing and I always feltlike God was ashamed of me, that
I just couldn't approach himwith confidence.
So it really was just avoidingGod and I developed this kind of
(03:45):
a self-hatred, almost right,and I had tried therapy.
I had seen two therapists in thelast 10 years and the second
one was not helping me get tothe root of the issue and it was
just turned into me talking andhim listening and him
empathizing, but I never reallygot like an action plan like
(04:05):
this is an addiction.
We need to figure out a way toget over and get through it.
I wasn't getting it so kind of.
After that experience, afterspending a lot of money, I just
kind of gave up on it.
And so then my porn usecontinued until a friend of mine
recommended me get in touchwith Kolton and first I was like
what, why would I call this guy?
(04:27):
I mean, he's, you know, quite abit younger than me.
I don't know if he's got theonline.
Kolton Thomas (04:33):
Thing.
Andrew (04:34):
Yeah, so like Okay.
So I reached out to you and youknow you were so gracious, so
nice, and you know you reallylistened well and you had a lot
of wisdom even in that firstcall.
And so, you know, did somepraying about it, some
discussion with my wife.
I researched some otherprograms too, and none of them
offered the personalizedcoaching that your program
(04:56):
offers.
A lot of them had online videosand things like that, but not
the personal one-on-one that Iwas really looking for, and I'm
so glad I did.
I'm so glad I went with you andyour program because, like I
was saying earlier, I meanyou've put a lot of thought into
it.
Going back to your own story,I've learned to be curious about
why I struggle, because there'sa reason.
(05:18):
And you know, one thing thatreally stuck with me is that not
all of this is my fault.
Right, I mean these were woundsthat happened to me and that
the enemy is real and he buildsupon those lies.
I mean they become agreementsas we discuss and but at this
point you know I have sinned andI need to take responsibility
for that.
So what does that look like?
(05:39):
Right, it is, first of all,just understanding and being
curious, understanding thetriggers.
It is loving and acceptingyourself despite having sinned,
and for me that whole piece wasso huge, just loving myself.
You know, that was a really bigmoment for me is when I
realized, yeah, I mean, godstill loves me.
(06:00):
And when then also likeengaging my own inner child too,
and my own son, and measuringmyself because I do have a son
and just almost like puttingmyself in his shoes.
If he had gone through thethings that I went through and
then come to find out he had aporn struggle, of course I would
love him, I would not rejecthim right, which in my mind,
that's what I was thinking I wasdoing because of my sin.
(06:23):
So just embracing myself, myyounger self, I think, treating
this as a journey and not ascorekeeping exercise where I'm
counting the days that I haven'tsinned.
It's no, I'm counting the daysthat I've connected with the
Lord or I've been filled withhim, versus feeling bad about
myself for for sinning.
So I think my perspective hasreally changed.
(06:47):
Now I am, now I'm lookingforward at the future, I can
actually think about, like I'mexcited about what God's going
to do in my marriage and just inmy own career and just every
aspect of my life.
I have a different perspective.
I'm hopeful of good things andblessings that I believe are in
store because of you know, beenable to get over and outgrow
(07:07):
this addiction.
Yeah, awesome.
Kolton Thomas (07:08):
That's one way that I feel like the Lord has
really blessed.
Our work together is helpingmake some connections between
the head and the heart.
I think there's so much churchlingo that you know you are
valuable, you are loved, you domatter, and yet a lot of times
like it doesn't connect with ourheart until, as brothers, we
(07:29):
have an opportunity to reallylike, share and receive and
interact in a relationship.
Right and that's one of thethings about this program that's
just the Lord really blessed isa good friendship between us
and such a great workingrelationship in these calls that
you're able to break throughand make some connections
between your head and your heart.
That really made a bigdifference.
(07:50):
And you touched on yourmarriage, so why don't you speak
into the journey to overcomepornography and reclaimed and
how all that has also beenhaving a heavy impact and
shaping your marriage?
Andrew (08:04):
Yes.
So, as I said, you know westarted off, you know we were in
love, we had a really great andbeautiful sweet wedding and the
life kind of got in the waywith kids and things and you
know we kind of grew apart insome of our interests and things
like that and communicationdefinitely suffered.
But since reclaimed andlearning, you know to just
(08:25):
understand that my wife also ishaving issues.
It's you know I'm going throughsome stuff just like she is,
and so having that grace to heron that and even though my needs
may not be met, may not bebeing met at the time.
But you know, this is a part ofthe discipline that God is doing
.
I'm coming to believe and seethat it's all part of his plan,
(08:47):
right, but it takes me focusingon the problem that is the
number one issue that isdividing us is a lack of
faithfulness in my part byindulging in, you know, internet
porn.
So being honest with her aboutthat, having conversations with
her about the future, listening,learn to listen to what she is
(09:09):
going through and love her, andlove her despite that, despite
not getting my needs met, hasbeen huge for me, because it's
grace, right, it's all aboutextending her grace by her not
being able or willing to satisfyme.
That doesn't mean that I'm ableto then sin and take things in
my own hands, so it's just notGod's plan.
(09:30):
We both are need to be givingto each other versus taking, and
that's another one that'sreally kind of hit home.
But all that to be said, thelast several weeks of the
program, I just felt compelledto just connect with her and
pray really hard for her, and soI've been praying for her and
(09:51):
God kind of just opened somedoors the last couple of weeks.
On our 17th anniversary, wewere able to have a great
evening of connecting withintimacy that I haven't had with
her in a long time, in manyyears.
So it's just amazing to see Godwork and break down some of
those just insurmountable wallsthat I thought would never come
(10:14):
down, like I'm now finallystarting to see that God is
powerful, he's a God of miracles, he's working to break down
walls and barriers and I justthanks Kolton for being there,
listening, putting up with meand all my texts and calls and
emails.
You've been awesome, awesome inthis.
Kolton Thomas (10:36):
Yeah, and one of the beautiful things about
reclaimed is like guys that Iwork with, especially guys like
you, I feel like, who has such adeep heart and you have a lot
of wisdom in your own usefultips and tools to share that
you've shared back with me andthe reclaimed community.
And so I just want to point out, too, that the mentorship, the
benefit, is like a two way thingand you continue after the 10
(10:57):
weeks.
There's a lot of opportunitiesfor you to stay connected and
you are, and I love that so much.
And so, man, it's awesome, dudeman, if we just take a step
back and we think about howpowerful, how monumental it is
to experience like disconnectand a super important
relationship in our lives.
And relationships, as we allknow, at times they can seem
(11:19):
fragile and at times they cansee very complex and they can
seem nearly impossible to putback together once it feels like
they're falling apart.
Right, but we serve a God who,through relationships, through
community, through healing whenJesus promises that there will
be healing, that he can set youfree from something you're
(11:41):
struggling with and then youhave this moment, like you just
shared with your wife, that youhaven't had in years.
Wow, like that is.
To me, that's the evidence, thepower of God to work, change
and transformation and healingpeople's lives.
And you're living it, brother,and I'm getting to be along for
the experience and it's justbeen such a blessing and a
(12:02):
benefit.
Andrew (12:03):
It's just amazing to have hope right.
I just keep going back to theverse in Romans Do not be
conformed by patterns of thisworld, but be transformed by the
meaning of your mind.
But the second part of thatverse is just been ringing my
ears this whole 10 weeks.
Then you will be able to testand approve what God's will is
right.
His will is to prosper us, notto harm us, right.
(12:25):
And so that hope, right, thatpeace was.
I was just missing it and Ididn't have it, and now I do.
So it's just amazing.
God is so good.
Kolton Thomas (12:34):
Yes, and he definitely brought us together.
He definitely works throughpeople and relationships to do
that and it's the course.
It's the careful thoughtfulnessthat goes into it and teaching
a balanced and holistic approachto partner recovery, but it's
also just the relationships thatwe develop and reclaimed that
really help us break barriersand restore intimacy.
(12:56):
You mentioned loving, acceptingyourself being a big part of
your story, but intimacy withothers intimacy with our wives
or really importantrelationships in our lives If
you're single, helping you godeeper into your friendships and
relationships is something thata lot of guys experienced too
through this.
So you've got a powerfultestimony and story as far as
(13:19):
seeing how not only youinternally have grown and
developed, but like how yourmost important relationships in
your life have grown andbenefited and experienced deeper
intimacy too.
So, yeah, it's awesome, PraiseGod.
Andrew (13:34):
I mean also the weekly calls every Wednesday.
I've got to know three guysthat are in different states,
but they all are on the journeyand it just the atmosphere of
just support and being able tobe real and genuine.
It's just so needed now, andespecially in Christian circles,
in the church, where we put onour happy face and we're not
(13:57):
really honest about what'sreally going on, and so it's
really.
It's been very helpful too,just to be seen and for what I
really am and for what I'mreally struggling with, it's so
free and it's also really coolto be able to come alongside
other guys and help them andmeet them where they're at.
Kolton Thomas (14:14):
Yeah, awesome.
So, andrew, really quick, canyou mention what you do for work
?
Andrew (14:19):
Yeah, so I am in sales.
It's a job that requires a lotfrom me.
I lead a team of people and webasically service that account.
It's the largest account in theentire company and a lot of
pressure and there's a lot ofstress that I carry and I know a
lot of my teammates also have.
So it pays the bills.
(14:41):
It's a great job, but also inthis program, it's just been
able to just start thinkingclearly about what is my
redemptive risk?
What is it that I can do?
What are the skills that Godhas given me?
What is he trying to prompt meto do with the rest of my life?
I'm at this point now where wemake good money but I'm not
(15:01):
necessarily fulfilled in my jobat this moment.
So just the other thing thatrecline has helped me with is
just start to think about whatis it that God wants me to do
with my life, aside from whatI've kind of fell into as a
career?
But what is it that he's callingme to do, especially now that I
have this perspective that Ididn't have after taking
(15:22):
reclaimed and some thoughts anddreams?
One thing that I've talkedabout is just maybe it means
going back to school, maybebecause I've gone through this
program and I naturally enjoytalking with people and hearing
their heart and connecting at aheart level.
Maybe that means doingsomething in therapy, getting a
master's in that and completelychanging my career.
(15:43):
I mean, god is again, he's incontrol of my life and he wants
to mold me and use me in a waythat is only going to prosper me
according to what he's promised.
His yoke is easy, his burden islight and I'm just excited to
see where he takes me in that.
So that's kind of.
The next thing is praying andtalking to the wife about what
(16:07):
about this opportunity, thiskind of tug that I feel that
I've actually felt for a littlebit, but now it's stronger after
having gone through thisprogram.
Kolton Thomas (16:16):
Yeah, thanks for sharing that, Andrew, and I
think you'd make an excellentcounselor If you do make your
career shift into sort of therelational field or the healing
profession.
I think you'd do so, so greatat it, and so I just want to
share that with you.
And, yeah, that's another honorfor me.
When guys go through the program, a lot of times what guys don't
(16:37):
realize is that we are gettingvery practical about working on
sexual desire and control andurges.
But we also have to spend a lotof time thinking about deeper
meaning and purpose in our life,whether we're aligned right and
how we're feeling about thingsunderlying because our desires
(16:58):
right, our deeper desires, thegifts that God has given us and
the core longings that we havefor our lives that he's given us
that are good.
We've got to ask ourselves howmuch we feel like we're living
those out in a fulfilling way.
And that does not always haveto mean that we have to make a
big job shift or career shift orjump.
But when we look honestly at it, it might.
(17:21):
And I think reclaimed is allabout encouraging guys to be on
porn recovery.
What adjustments can you makein your life, even if they're
big adjustments, and how can wesupport you in doing that, to
continue to solidify and make aconcrete identity as someone who
is living porn free and is nolonger living underneath the
(17:44):
burden and the shame ofpornography.
And so it's really exciting tothink, like you said, about your
future, about having thisclarity about your gifts and
what might be fulfilling for you, and to see you step into that,
and our community is going tokeep encouraging you and rooting
you on support you and that.
Andrew (18:03):
So because the porn clouds everything.
You don't see what you're evengood at.
You can't hear God's voice.
If you're in this cycle of sin,shame, repentance, that's all
you can do.
I've got nothing.
I had no energy left foranything other than dealing with
the latest screw-up in my mind,and it was a vicious cycle.
(18:26):
But it's just been so good tobe able to see outside of that
cycle.
See that life.
There is more that God wants tobless me, wants to use me.
I firmly believe that the last10 years of just everything in
my life is preparing me forsomething else, something to
help other people.
I don't know what that lookslike, but God is good, he's
(18:46):
given me this experience andit's only going to help other
people.
So that's kind of where I'm atwith it.
Kolton Thomas (18:52):
Yeah, amen.
I mean, we're all people inneed of change, helping people
in need of change, and you are aprime candidate, with all the
tools and resources that youhave and the gifts God's given
you, to help people in need ofchange.
And so, again, I'm rooting foryou, cheering for you,
supporting you as you take stepsforward to do more and more of
that in your life, especiallynow that you've gone through
(19:14):
this internal journey over theselast 10 weeks and I feel like
you've got some things to pourout.
You really do to bless others,and so can't wait to see how God
does that in your life.
Andrew, thank you so much fortaking the time to do this, to
talk about your journey andexperience and, at the end of
the day, this conversation andof itself, I feel like it's a
celebration of what God's beendoing in your life.
(19:37):
So, on that note, do you haveanything else to say?
Andrew (19:40):
I would just say to you keep up the fight, Kolton.
You're just starting out onsomething that I think is going
to go a long way.
God's just starting with youand love to be able to love to
be able to continue to help andsupport and be there any way I
can and I don't know, we'll see.
Kolton Thomas (19:55):
Thank you so much , andrew.
Hope you have a wonderful restof your day and week and we'll
continue to see you around manon our group calls and
everything so awesome.
Yeah.
And so, for whoever is watchingthis, come download the app,
check it out, say hi to me orAndrew.
In the app, you can message us.
Anyways, thanks so much.
I hope that you are encouragedand inspired in your journey,
(20:15):
wherever you're at right nowwith pornography, and just know
that, no matter how deep in thetrenches you feel stuck, whether
that's in your marriage orwhether that's in work or just
really wrestling with low selfconfidence and esteem, just
whatever it is, you can getmomentum going in your life and
you can overcome those roles andobstacles with help from the
(20:38):
Lord, with community, withrelationships and with a very
thoughtful program, the rightinformation to help you take
steps in the right direction.
And so, anyways, thankseverybody.
Do you find yourself identifyingwith Andrew and struggling in a
season of pornography use?
Then I want to invite you toconsider the Reclaimed 10 Week
Journey.
This is a transformationalprogram that takes a
(21:00):
comprehensive approach.
It includes individualone-on-one coaching, community
support, including group calls,as well as weekly videos that
have actionable steps to keepyou moving forward.
So, if you think you might beready and you want to learn more
or get started, visitReclaimedRecoverycom.
That's ReclaimedRecoverycom,and from there you will be able
(21:21):
to find a link to request accessto our private app for men.
Once inside the app, you canreach directly out to me and
I'll be happy to help you getstarted on this powerful 10 week
experience so that you canbegin your journey living porn
free.
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