Send us a text with feedback about the show or questions you'd like to see addressed.
In this episode with Dr. Eddie Capparucci, we discuss how men can unlock deeper emotional connections by reconnecting with their childhood experiences. Dr. Eddie Capparucci is the author of several books on healing from sex and pornography addiction, including Going Deeper and Why Men Struggle to Love.
As you listen, you will gain insights into how emotional underdevelopment during childhood fosters a fear of emotions and creates a reliance on unwanted behaviors like pornography. You'll also gain a deeper understanding of how emotional disconnection operates in a cyclical pattern, often exacerbating addiction and deteriorating relationships.
So often, pornography cultivates the harmful practice of viewing partners primarily through a lens of physical satisfaction, thereby missing out on genuine emotional bonding. But even small gains in emotional intelligence can dramatically transform one's life and relationships. Whether you're dealing with addiction or seeking to deepen your emotional connections, this episode offers the wisdom and tools to embark on a transformative path.
Here is a link that will take you to Dr. Eddie's work where you can learn more about his book, Why Men Struggle to Love, and the other resources he has to offer: www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com
If you're ready to dive even deeper into your healing journey with Reclaimed, consider joining our app for men who are 18+ where you can get connected to our transformational 10-week program. Through this experience, you will receive one-on-one coaching, thoughtful exercises, video courses, and increased visibility through new accountability relationships with like-minded men. Plus, you'll receive practical strategies for developing emotional intelligence and greater intimacy. Reach out to us at freedom@reclaimedrecovery.com or join the app today.
If you're enjoying this podcast, Reclaimed and Unashamed, please consider leaving a review and making a donation to help us deliver more life-changing content!
Donate here with Paypal - help me release consistent, well-researched, and zero-cost-to-consumer content by making a monthly recurring donation.
Subscribe on Youtube
Follow us on Instagram
Join Our Private Facebook Group for Men
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Reclaimed and Unashamed podcast,
where we are helping men torewire their brains and overcome
the shame that often surroundsunwanted pornography use.
I'm your host, colton Thomas,and today I'm interviewing Dr
Eddie Caparucci.
We've had Dr Eddie on the showbefore, but today we're going to
talk more specifically aboutone of his books why Men
(00:22):
Struggle to Love, and somethings that we have to look
forward to that are coming up inthis episode are the topic of
why is it that so many men seemto struggle to experience deeper
intimacy and really understandtheir emotions?
Right, there's this concept ofhaving high emotional
intelligence or high emotionalIQ, and it seems like a lot of
(00:43):
men are, to be honest, afraid oftheir emotions.
Emotions are powerful and whenwe don't understand them, we
tend to be very avoidant, verydismissive.
We have a difficult timeresolving conflicts with people
that we love and, as a result,we turn in these moments where
we don't want to confront ouremotions.
We turn to things likepornography and other unwanted
(01:07):
habits and behaviors, and todaywe're going to talk with Dr
Eddie about why that is, andwe're also going to talk about
some possible solutions, as wellas blind spots, because the
difficult thing about blindspots is that you can't really
see your own blind spots, and sooften men who struggle to love
and who are struggling withpornography don't really even
(01:29):
see or understand the reasonswhy they're struggling, and so
my hope and my prayer is thatthis episode will help you a lot
in that, gaining new insightsand understanding into your
situation.
And now we're going to get intoit.
Here's my conversation with DrEddie Caparucci.
All right, well, dr Eddie,welcome back to the Reclaimed
and Unashamed podcast.
(01:49):
I'm so excited to have you hereagain, and, man, last time we
just had such a richconversation.
We talked about your book, someGoing Deeper.
Then you've got a more recentbook that's come out too, called
why Men Struggle to Love, andso, anyways, I've been reading
your material, struggle to love,and so, anyways, I've been
reading your material.
I've gotten certified now inyour course, which is exciting.
I just really wanted to haveyou back as a mentor and as a
(02:11):
friend and just someone who'sbeen helping me a lot in my own
professional growth and careerhere.
So thanks so much for your timethis morning.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Well, thanks for having me back on.
I so much enjoyed the last timewe were here, plus our other
conversations that we have soalways excited to sit and talk
with you.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Yeah, absolutely so.
As I thought about our lastpodcast and conversation
together, something that hassurfaced now in my work that
I've really been wanting to askyou about and I know this is
related to your book why MenStruggle to Love but it's that I
keep coming across men who arestruggling with pornography, who
(02:51):
are struggling with sexaddiction, who really just want
to feel wanted, want to feeldesired, and they're either in a
relationship where they're notfeeling, you know, maybe
sexually wanted or sexuallydesired very much, and that
could be for a variety ofreasons, right.
Or they're single and they'rekind of lonely and they're not
feeling wanted or desired thereeither.
(03:14):
And one of the only ways itseems that they know that they
might be able to turn to, to getany feeling that like, hey, I'm
wanted or this is, you know,I'm pleasing somebody else or
I'm feeling connected right now,like one of the only things
that they feel they can turn to,that they can trust and kind of
(03:36):
know, almost expect withcertainty, they're going to get
some kind of that, that feelingis sex and pornography, right.
And so we've got a lot of menwho, I think, have habitually
turned to using those things toget this feeling of connection
that they're after right Ofbeing one and desired.
I'd just love for you to startoff our episode by speaking into
(03:57):
that that many men feel, youknow, emotional connection
through physical intimacy whatthey confuse.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
They confuse emotional intimacy or physical
intimacy.
You know, god designed us tohave relationships based on
emotional connection emotionalintimacy, then we're supposed to
sprinkle in the physicalintimacy.
Then we're supposed to sprinklein the physical intimacy.
Men who are emotionallyundeveloped and in my practice
(04:28):
I've seen over the years theguys who come in that I work
with, who struggle withaddiction nine out of 10 also
are emotionally undeveloped.
And what they do?
They have the model upside downthey build the foundation of a
(04:49):
relationship on physicalintimacy and they sprinkle the
emotional in a little bit, whatlittle bit they know to do in
order to try to build it.
You know, the idea is thatagain we go back to the
emotionally undeveloped man.
What happened there and this iswhat the idea of what was the
driver for writing this book wasseeing that so many men they
(05:10):
could learn how to stop thepornography, how to stop acting
out.
They were able to manage thatand deal with that behavior a
lot through my inner child model.
However, they were stillstruggling in their
relationships because they don'tknow how to emotionally connect
(05:31):
and engage.
So therefore this was causing alot of problems between them
and their spouse or theirpartner.
And the problem all originateswhen we were younger, where
there's no adult there to helpus.
To.
One, deal with emotionaldistress or discomfort.
And two, teaches us aboutemotion, teaches us how to
(05:55):
connect.
So if you don't know how toreally emotionally bond, and now
you've come across pornography,and now you come across
pornography, let's say, maybe atthe age of 13, 14 or such, then
all of a sudden it's like, oh,that bonding.
Look at those two.
Look at them, they're bonding,they're connecting.
(06:29):
That comes from theneurotransmitters that are being
activated in the brain.
We cross the wires and we lookat that and say that connection,
the physical stuff.
That's the way you connect.
And so, therefore, for a man,it becomes this idea that I
never feel more loved than whensomebody is being physical with
me or sexually engaging with me.
And let me show you how much Ilove you by how I can make you
(06:54):
feel sexually, how I can get youexcited and bring you to a
certain level.
And that is what will bond usand connect us.
And that's the problem.
It is a problem with many menwho struggle with addiction.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yeah, and I can see that you know clearly as well
just in the work that I've doneso far.
And I just to add to that, Ithink that sex also becomes for
so many men their real onlysource of excitement or arousal
in their lives as well, and soit feelings that life is, I
don't know exciting or that youhave something to look forward
(07:30):
to.
You just don't get that kind ofenergy, that kind of rush from
other things in your life If youhaven't, you know carefully
created a life that you wake upand look forward to living, if
that makes sense life that youwake up and look forward to
living, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
You're touching on two of the 14, what I call blind
spots, and the blind spots arethe issues that men have that
prevent them from building anddeveloping secure relationships,
and what you're talking aboutis one of them lack of
contentment.
This is it, this is all life is, and so therefore they, they
(08:09):
struggle.
The other is they have.
Many of them have limitedinterest in passion.
They just don't have that, sotherefore, they don't feel that
sense of um adrenaline often,unless it's doing something from
a physical standpoint such ashaving sex or engaging in
(08:30):
pornography.
That's where they get the highlevel of stimulation as they
move forward in their life.
But it's not enough and all itdoes it just continues to
reinforce the message that forthem, it becomes this idea that
I need this, I need porn, I needsex in order to feel alive yeah
(08:55):
and, again, that's not all menwho struggle with it, but it is
a good segment and that's.
That's just a fallacy.
It it's not true, but it's allthat they believe.
Because, again, and the wordthat appears so often in the
book why Men Struggle to Love iswe're oblivious.
We're oblivious to what we'rereally supposed and what they
(09:18):
can bring.
We're oblivious to the factthat God designed us to be
complete creatures, not justphysical creatures, but also to
be emotionally engaging.
And, most important, we'reoblivious to the fact that
emotional intimacy andconnection is so much more
(09:41):
powerful than physical intimacy.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah, and could you speak more into that?
And you mentioned blind spots.
I think you said 14.
I know we won't be able tocover all those, but that's
really, man, that's so importantfor guys to realize.
I think that there's not just Idon't know.
Sometimes there's a tendency tooversimplify what the problem
could be for men, but thefurther we examine it, the
(10:04):
further we see that, dependingon your own unique individual
story, you could be dealing withone of 14 or more different
blind spots, and that's why it'sso important to educate
yourself and get a holistic kindof view of what's going on.
And so, anyways, I just want topoint that out really quick.
But then I want to come back.
You just said something reallyimportant that there's so much
(10:24):
more power in emotional intimacy.
Could you speak into that andwhy that is and why?
But also why do so many menfail to see that?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
well, the fact of the matter is our emotions are very
powerful.
The reason most men don't seethat is because at some point in
their life they either shutdown or they dullened some of
their emotions, and they did itas a coping strategy to protect
(10:58):
themselves from the emotionaldistress or discomfort that they
were feeling at the time whenthey were younger.
Because there's nobody thereand I mean an adult is not there
to help them go through.
And how do I deal with thisemotional discomfort?
So and sometimes it's theparents that are causing the
(11:22):
emotional discomfort or distress.
So therefore I need to protectmyself as a child.
How do I do that?
I'm going to shut off thesefeelings, because if I continue
to feel them, I'm going tobecome either very highly
anxious or I'm going to start toget depressed.
So that's the coping strategy.
(11:45):
And then we just take thatcoping strategy into the rest of
our life and we don't developwhat we need from an emotional
IQ to be able to engage in veryhealthy relationships.
Our relationships are ratherunhealthy and we're not
providing those who we bringinto our world our partner, our
(12:08):
spouse we're not providing themwhat they're really looking for
and what they need and then theystart to get upset by it,
because now they're feeling veryunfulfilled.
I can't tell you how manyspouses I've talked to that have
said you know what all he wantsevery time he comes near me.
You know, come near me to hugme, but when he's hugging me
(12:28):
he'll go and grab my cheeks or,you know, grab my breast or
start to rub against me and it'slike I just wanted a hug, I
didn't want to be groped, andyou know that's when he'll come.
He'll come to me and hold mewhen he wants to be sexual and
after a while they start to feelused and they just start to
(12:51):
push away.
They start to pull away fromtheir partner, and now that
leaves the guy feeling even morerejected.
And so now he's up the ante andnow he's doing more porn or
acting out in a different way.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Yeah, it can be a tough cycle to break out of when
you're continue to head moreand more that direction, like
you said, where your wife'sfeeling more and more
disconnected or your partner orspouse is feeling more and more
used.
It's kind of pushing you awayfurther and then more and more
towards pornography and then, ofcourse, with the dopamine and
the way we know the brain worksworks, you're getting kind of
more and more hooked anddesensitized to other you know
(13:28):
forms of connection and soanyways, yeah, that's, that's a
tough cycle to be in.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, well, also, if I can add, with the emotionally
undeveloped man.
When the wife start to expressher disappointment, that feel
like it's all the only time youwant to touch me, when you want
to be sexual, instead of seeingher pain and trying to adapt to
(13:52):
that and understand it and fixit.
Instead, the emotionallyundeveloped guy is going to get
upset.
You're going to get defensive.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
Look, how can I I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
Look, how can I help it?
You know what?
You're just a very attractiveand sexual woman.
I want to be.
You know, I want to engage withyou that way.
What's the big deal?
Why can't you just approve?
(14:13):
Why are you just?
You know, and it's all about me.
That's what it comes down.
That's what the emotionallyundeveloped man become.
They don't want to, but that'swhat they become.
It's all about my comfort.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah, I think that's an important point to
acknowledge.
So you know, I read a quoterecently from a book that I read
.
You might have heard this bookEmotionally Healthy Spiritually.
I've heard this bookEmotionally Healthy Spiritually,
and one of the quotes from thebook is that it's impossible to
(14:52):
be spiritually healthy whilebeing emotionally unhealthy.
And I think that the same istrue when it comes to trying to
overcome porn.
It's impossible to overcomeyour pornography, or whatever
addiction it is, while beingemotionally unhealthy, or at
least it's just to make itextremely difficult for you you
touched on another blind spot.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Okay, that that is the struggle to connect with god
or to connect with your higherspiritual power and and it is
true, because a lot of that isemotionally based it is
emotionally based, and havingthat strong emotional desire to
(15:33):
want to know and to get closerto your spiritual practices or
to God is very important.
Without that, there is norelationship.
Without a relationship it goesback to the point that you know
(15:53):
the book said there.
Then the spirituality is notwhat it should be.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, you know, as you're talking about the, I
guess, the harmful side effects,so to speak, or the direct
effects, of having a lowemotional IQ.
I think one struggle that a lotof men have, like you said, is
that they start to use theirwives as sort of a masturbatory
tool, almost for their ownphysical needs, right that?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
is about it.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, and that might sound kind of like a harsh way
to put it, but I think that'sreally what we're looking at,
and I think for a lot of menthat's where the struggle is in
their relationship.
And if you're single out thereand you hope to be in a
relationship someday and you'restruggling a lot with porn, then
this probably will eventuallybecome something that you'll
have to work through.
And so I think the point is weneed so desperately to expand
(16:46):
what you're calling ouremotional IQ and to learn how to
really connect and feel desiredand wanted, apart from just
that physical piece.
And so I think that thisconversation has to move towards
.
You know, how does one begin todo that?
How does one, especially ifyou've spent years you're an
adult man now and you spentyears kind of feeling
(17:08):
emotionally unhealthy or justthis low emotional IQ?
Like, where do you start?
Where do you begin to kind ofpick up the pieces, so to speak?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
I want to go back there to what you just said for
a moment the fact of, in a sense, that we're just using our
wives for sexual pleasure.
Most of the guys listening nowwho are dealing with a low
emotion, like you, they'd belooking at and thinking of what
we're talking about.
They'd say that's crazy.
They don't know what I'm doing.
No, they're not In their mind,they're connecting, they think
(17:37):
they're bonding, but the bondingthat they're doing is very
limited and it's not in the areathat should be predominant from
a bonding standpoint, andthat's our emotion, and so,
therefore, they need to be ableto learn how to shift that.
So how do we do that?
(17:58):
Well, there are many aspects.
Like I said, there are 14 blindspots that I've identified.
Most men, they average anywherebetween like six and nine that
they'll have, and in the book,if I describe what the blind
spots are, what I've also doneis I put antidotes for each one.
(18:19):
What do you do to combat?
So let's stay with the lowemotional IQ.
A low emotional IQ usuallytakes on three aspects.
One I can tell you if I'm angry, sad, lonely, happy, afraid,
(18:39):
but I can't drill down to tellyou what my real emotion is.
So therefore, you see the anger, you see the sadness, but they
can't really tell you what'sgoing on emotionally.
They don't have words toidentify the feeling.
And this again happened when wewere younger, where a parent
(19:01):
does not teach a child.
This is what the word is forwhat you're feeling.
So, for example, a child, let'ssay a four-year-old, whose
older sibling is going to abirthday party, and this kid's
having a tantrum, you know,because he wants to go.
He wants to go and and theparent mother comes and goes.
You know, if you don't knock itoff, you know you're going to
(19:23):
go to your room and you knowyou're going to stay there for
the rest of the day.
Stop it, stop acting this way.
She's taught him nothing, puthim nothing, except don't feel
anything.
What the parent who's going toteach their kid to be emotional
and develop is going to do isokay, honey, honey, what's wrong
(19:46):
?
She knows what's wrong.
What's wrong?
I want to go.
I want to go.
Yes, you want to go to theparty?
Yeah, I want to go to the party.
Yes, you know what I understand.
You want to go to the party.
The party is for older party.
Yeah, I want to go to the party.
Yes, you know what I understand.
You want to go to the party.
The party is for older kids.
(20:06):
Wait, wait, okay, now don't godown the pathway of there'll be
more parties for you, there'llbe all that.
No, that's not it.
You know what?
What you're feeling right nowis disappointed.
Now, I don't expect the kid toremember that or to say the word
back to you, but you're feelingdisappointed.
All of us get disappointed.
There's many things that Iwould like to do that I can't do
and I get disappointed by that.
(20:29):
That's what you're goingthrough right now, and I know it
doesn't make you feel anybetter, but you want to go to
that party.
And I know it doesn't make youfeel any better, but you want to
go to that party.
But you know what?
Maybe you and I can dosomething together.
You're teaching and mostparents don't do that.
I don't have words.
So number one is I can't reallydrill down.
(20:52):
The other second part is maybeI can drill down.
Most cases I can't, but maybe,even if I could, I don't know
how to express my feelings.
I don't know how to be.
Oh, here's the ugly wordvulnerable.
Ugh, vulnerable makes us cringeat men.
I don't want to be vulnerable.
(21:14):
That's weak.
You know that's not what you'resupposed to do.
You're supposed to be strong.
You keep it in, rub a littledirt on the wound and get back
in there.
Don't be vulnerable.
They weren't taught how to bevulnerable.
They weren't taught that.
Oh you know what, by beingvulnerable and you're doing with
somebody who is healthy, oh myGod, you feel amazed After.
(21:38):
When somebody validates you.
It's an amazing feeling to haveand many of us don't know what
that is, because we haven'ttaken the risk.
That's what it is is a riskbecause that person healthy.
We may have done it.
We learned at a young age thatif I try to be vulnerable with
someone, it got shut down, itgot minimized.
(22:00):
It was, you know, maybe metwith you know contempt, or with
you know this sense of shame.
Why are you feeling that way?
That's stupid.
I would never.
So don't share, I don't share,so don't share, I don't share.
(22:23):
And then, finally, the thirdpart of a low emotional IQ is
the idea that when other peopletry to be emotionally vulnerable
with me, it causes my anxietyto increase and I can't handle
it.
I don't know what to do withthese feelings.
So what do we do?
The joke about men oh, fix it.
Oh, I got a solution for you.
I know what you can do, and insome cases we don't go that way.
(22:45):
What we'll do is we'll minimizeit.
It's not a big deal.
It's like we're doing the samething somebody did to us when we
were younger.
Or we'll withdraw and say look,you know, I just don't have
time to deal with it.
You have to figure it out onyour own.
So without that base of emotionthe emotional I do we can't
(23:07):
engage fully with people that wedo it on a 10 000 foot level.
But in doing that we're missingout on all of the benefit that
emotion can bring to it.
Yes, emotion can cause a lot ofpain.
There's no doubt about it.
They cause pain, but it'sduring that pain that we grow.
(23:31):
It's learning to sit with thatpain, which is another blind
spot the inability to sit withemotional discomfort, not being
able to do that which is running, and that is the biggest reason
for your addiction.
Right now, you can't sit withyour emotional distress.
You couldn't do pain of a child.
(23:59):
I learned.
You know what.
I won't think about it.
That's my solution, that was mycoping strategy.
And how do I do that I distractmyself.
Too much food, too much sugar,too much television, too many
video games.
Keep going right down the list,right, right, anything, but
sitting with that pain.
Well, you take that into youradolescent, teen world, adult
(24:23):
world, and all you do is youtrade out the behavior and
somewhere along the line, porngame like, oh my gosh, the
mother of all distractions,right, and then maybe into
something else as you go along.
That's the problem when itcomes to pornography.
It's not about sex, it's aboutthe fact I can't sit with
(24:44):
emotional discomfort, and that'swhy we have to teach men to do
that.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yeah, so true, and taking that even a step further
for some men, turning topornography might not only just
be a distraction from notwanting to sit with their
emotions or being vulnerable,but it also pornography through
the specific types ofpornography they're looking at
could even be a way of sort ofworking out, trying to work out
(25:11):
meeting some of the emotionalneeds that they have, right.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I will say this okay, and I've heard this so often,
I'm sure you've heard it too, um, and it's still.
I understand it, but becauseI've never experienced it it's
hard for me to grasp.
But men have told me thatwatching porn they get a sense
(25:35):
of connection, that that persondesires them, wants them, and
that to them is more thrillingthan anything else.
Now again I understand whatthat is, because they believe
physical intimacy is the waythat you bond, picking it up
(25:56):
from porn.
As I said, I still haven't beenable to kind of wrap my head
around it, but I would imagineif a woman's looking right at a
camera and she's engaged in asexual thing and she's got this
look of desire on her face thatyou could go into fantasy to be
(26:16):
able to say, oh, that that meansshe's desiring or wanting, or
I'm, you know, the one net whowill please her that way and
connect with her.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of men that kind of place
themselves vicariously in theshoes of people in the videos
they're watching and theythey're trying to meet their
emotional needs in a deepersense that way.
I just think the fact thatthere's a lot of men who, for
them, the most graphic partsabout pornography might actually
not be the part that turns themon the most, the part that
(26:50):
arouses them or excites them themost, where they're getting the
most high feeling is actuallymore from some other part of the
video, and you have to askyourself why, why isn't the
climax of sex itself?
Why wouldn't that be the mostarousing part for you?
Why would it be something elseinstead?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Well, now you're also going back to dopamine.
Okay, where does dopaminereally work in the process?
And it's not so much at thatheightened, true time arousal.
It is about the anticipation.
That's true if what's neck,what neck, what coming, that's
where that dopamine really has astronghold on you.
(27:31):
So, therefore, it's always thatagain that it's like the
gambler.
Okay with the, the thing isn'twinning and losing.
It's what.
The next card, the next card,is it going to be that card I
need?
Okay, that's what they'rereally focused on, their
attention.
That's where the dopamine isbeefy at work so, therefore,
(27:52):
it's always that's what you'veknow, with the fact that, like
the hunt sometimes needs to bemore invigorating than the
actual act itself.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yeah, Right yeah, right with that I think that's a
good point that you brought upthere too.
I just think.
I think the point is just to becurious, to be curious about
what is it from the pornographiccontent you're watching that's
really stimulating you and howcould that be related to these
underlying emotional needs inthis low iq that you're?
Speaker 2 (28:20):
talking.
You're talking about the innerchild model again right, you're
back you're back to the whyquestion.
Why do I think, feel and dowhat I do?
And understanding that, whatdid it do?
It empowers you.
Yes, I got power.
I understand why that is sotempting yeah so now I can start
(28:42):
coming up with the strategy tobe able to desensitize myself
from it.
But I go back to the word againoblivious, I believe.
I just do it.
That's what happens.
I do it, I've always done it,and that's what.
If you don't understand why youwill, that's where you'll stay.
(29:03):
You'll stay in that place wherenothing ever changes, and what
we're looking for is to changeeverything.
Okay, not just get rid of thebad behavior, but also to learn
how to bring our heart more intothe process, how to turn our
(29:23):
prefrontal cortex on fullyversus like a dimming bulb that
goes on and off.
No, let's turn the thing onbright and so that we can really
think things through.
We're not guided by thoseimmature, childlike emotions.
Instead, we're guided byrational thinking.
(29:44):
We are different creatures,we're different people, and
that's what the whole realaspect of recovery should be
about.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Yeah, and just so you guys know, the prefrontal
cortex is a part of our brainresponsible for that rational
decision making right, and whathappens is when we get these
strong urges we can hit likefight, flight or freeze.
If we have not matured to acertain extent, we're not able
to think rationally in momentsof temptation.
But as we mature, as we gain anawareness, like you're talking
(30:16):
about, about our emotions andour past, we understand that.
Why, question then you might besurprised that this more
rational thinking emerges evenin time, even in the midst of
temptation.
But you know that takes time,right it does take time it takes
.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And it all starts with my number one rule Slow
everything down If you don't.
Because we don't, we have ourhead down and we're running
through life.
We have to add our head up andobserving all around us.
How am I doing?
How am I doing mentally,emotionally, physically,
spiritually?
What are the needs and wants ofother people?
(30:54):
What are the pain points thatmy partner is going through?
These are not things that wenormally focus on.
We're focused on the thingsthat are important to us, the
things that interest us, thethings that are troubling us,
the things that bring uspleasure.
That's where we are.
It's me, me, me.
There is no place in therecovery process for just me.
(31:19):
It is not about me.
It has to be that way.
And that's difficult becausewe've made it about us.
Why?
Because when we were younger,nobody made it about us.
Oh, maybe they taught you howto play baseball, maybe they
taught you how to play theguitar, maybe they taught you
(31:40):
about church and things likethat, but when it comes to
emotional growth, they weren'tthere.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, good thoughts, dr Eddie.
So I have another question, andthat is I also work with a lot
of guys who have been trying torecover from porn for a long
time and they've spent money inother programs.
They've worked with therapistsalready, and so I think that
there's a lot of men out therewho do have some degree of
(32:10):
awareness that they need to growan emotional IQ.
I think, at some point, though,men are still kind of latched
on to pornography, because yousaid something earlier in the
episode they think that theyneed it and I think to some
degree, this comes down toalmost like a faith decision.
You have to believe that lifewould be better without
(32:32):
pornography and with a deeperemotional IQ and connection
without pornography and with adeeper emotional IQ and
connection, like.
If you don't believe that that'spossible, you know, then why
would you go through all thisdiscomfort of being vulnerable
and asking all these hardquestions?
And, like you said, why wouldyou slow things down when you
got all these things to do?
And you know just, maybe in themoment it makes sense to you,
(32:52):
you got to get a lot of workdone, you got to make more money
, I mean, like in order to dothese radical changes like
you're talking about.
I mean it kind of starts withjust believing that this is
possible.
I mean, what word would youhave the men who are who kind of
realize that the stuff we'retalking about is true but who
still just quite haven't likebeen able to feel any real
changes, like they're still justkind of feel stuck and hopeless
(33:15):
.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Well, and I understand that we do feel stuck
, but I'll also say thatprobably what's lacking, because
the emotionally undeveloped manalso is not very disciplined.
You may be disciplined incertain things, it could be very
disciplined work, or maybe aworkout routine, work or maybe a
(33:39):
workout routine but when itcomes to the things that need to
be done from a self-careperspective, when it comes to
the things that need to be donefrom a relationship perspective,
they are not disciplined.
And that's where we need tostart.
And you begin with the idea ofwhat do you want from life, what
do you want in your life?
Let's go even deeper.
What about your legacy?
(34:00):
What is your legacy going to be?
What do you want people to say,you know, at your funeral?
What do you want that eulogy tosound like?
And look at that, and there'seven an exercise where you sit
and you write out what is thateulogy that I do?
But then, with thatunderstanding, what do I want?
(34:21):
Now it's like, all right, letme go tackle it.
Let me go tackle it.
And again, it's not going to beeasy, but let's take it from an
emotion standpoint, one.
There are groups called there'sactually an emotions anonymous.
Okay, they have them online.
They have my phone, they haveall different.
You may be looking to somethinglike that.
(34:41):
There are other ones also thatare out there.
You know, maybe what you do isyou start to prepare yourself,
looking watching things likemovies, watching television,
reading novels, but taking yourtime not just.
Okay, here's the story.
But but what's that emotion?
Wait, stop, stop, let me put iton pause.
(35:02):
That character, what are theyfeeling right now?
What do I?
I think they're feeling there'ssomething that's called an
emotion wheel.
Go online right, type inemotion wheel on Google and look
at images and they'll come up.
Or, better yet, go to Amazonand type it in and buy one.
It costs like six bucks, okay,and you have it.
(35:23):
It'll show you all thedifferent emotions and sit there
with it and look at what, whatis it, and figure out what those
emotions are.
And then, what about me?
When have I ever, maybe, feltsomething like that?
It takes a lot ofself-reflection.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
A lot of self-reflection.
It is hard work, but it is soworthwhile.
Hard work, but it is soworthwhile.
Yeah, and again, it comes downto the idea of commitment.
Are you going to be committedto making change, and not just
the change of oh, I'm no longerdoing that, but the change of my
heart, that I am being moreoutwardly spoken, I am being
(36:05):
more mindful, I'm being lesscompulsive, I am not being as
beautiful.
So those are some of the thingsthey have to do.
That's why I go back to what Isaid before it's like changing
everything, you changeeverything.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Yeah, yeah.
What I'm hearing you say is youhave to be willing to become a
student of your emotions andmake a lifelong commitment to
that.
And this is kind of where tothe spiritual and faith-based
side comes in for me as aChristian, that I really believe
that if you make thatcommitment in your heart, that
you want to make it not justabout you, like you were saying,
(36:42):
like you want to deny that partof yourself in order to expand
your emotional IQ and connectmore with the people in your
life that you love and connectmore with God, I think God will
come in and he will help you todo that.
He will come in and he'll helpyou, because it does seem like
an overwhelming and impossibletask at times, to be honest, and
(37:02):
I think that that's where thatfaith comes in, that like
there's power there in thatspiritual aspect that he's
promised.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
I think it's important for men to also
understand.
You're never going to beperfect at this, you're not,
you're not, I mean.
I mean, if you're on this endof the spectrum, ok, you're not
going over to this end of thespectrum, all right, you're
going to go here, that's aboutit.
Maybe 30 percent, 40 percentmore, but wow, how different
that looks like.
(37:30):
And then it's the rest of yourlife just moving gradually, but
you're not going to wind up overthere.
This is almost like you aregoing back and you're putting
yourself on the pathway ofsanctification.
Okay, for those of youunderstand what that is, that
(37:51):
this is my pursuit to be morespiritually connected, to be
more christ-like.
Okay, from a christianperspective, growing it's about
growth, it's all about growth.
See, when you cut off thoseemotions, there's a part of you
to stop growing.
It's very sad.
It's sad that we stopped.
Well, guess what?
you can start again yeah you canbegin once again and again.
(38:11):
This book, why men struggle tolove, is a good starting point
for that yeah, that's atremendous resource.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Um, I definitely want guys to check out your book.
You know, it makes me thinkabout how, for example, takes.
Take like someone who decidesthey want to be a bodybuilder,
they want to study their body,and I mean we're talking about
an intense amount ofcalculations, getting very
precise about your caloricintake, as well as what types of
food you eat and the types ofworkouts you're doing and when.
(38:41):
Think about how muchintentionality that takes, how
much discipline, you know.
Also, think about someone who'sa mountain climber and you're
going to plan an expedition toclimb one of the world's highest
peaks.
Here's the thing, though there'sa lot of men who want to kind
of tackle the journey of thebody or make these
accomplishments, tackle thejourney of summiting that high,
high mountain, but how many ofus have decided to turn that
(39:04):
journey inward, to tackle thejourney of emotional IQ and
knowledge and self-awareness?
Right, there's an inwardjourney that's just as great,
honestly, probably just aschallenging, and, you know, we
don't need to be necessarily,like metaphorically speaking,
bodybuilders from an emotionalstandpoint either.
But, like you said, what if wecould just increase this ability
(39:25):
we have emotionally by 10, 20,30 percent?
How much would that change ourlives?
Speaker 2 (39:31):
oh, it'd be huge.
It would be huge what it woulddo to change our life.
Because, again, what we'regoing to feel is we're going to
feel a sensation, we're going tofeel emotion we've never felt
before.
We're going to feel a sense ofjoy in our lives.
Okay, not just happiness, whichis based on circumstance.
(39:52):
We're gonna feel joy because,as I said before, emotional
intimacy is much more powerfulthan physical intimacy yeah,
that's.
That's where we should be aimingfor to grow, we need to learn
to grow.
One of the biggest problems wehave be aiming for to grow.
We need to learn to grow.
One of the biggest problems wehave in being able to commit
ourselves to this is fear.
(40:14):
Fear that I'm not going to getit right, fear that I'm not
going to be able to do it well,fear that people are still going
to you know, trash my emotion.
I understand, I get it.
I'm not telling you not to beafraid.
What I'm saying, though, ishold on to those fears and move
(40:34):
on despite them.
You owe it to yourself, and youowe it to your loved ones, that
you can learn to be anemotional being and move away
from being an unemotionallydeveloped man.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Yeah, that's really well said and I don't want guys
to get confused either, becausewe're talking about don't make
it all about yourself, and Ithink there's part of it's just
like denying yourself, realizingthat life is so much more than
just about you.
But we're saying that like inthe best way possible, because
life, when it's not just aboutyou, can actually be so much
better.
And we're not trying todownplay your fears.
(41:10):
If you're listening out therelike it's not that you know
we're saying we don't care aboutlike whatever it is you're
feeling or fearing or goingthrough, because the things that
you're feeling, they areimportant.
But you just can't make thosethings only about you and kind
of turn everything inward, likelike Dr Eddie saying there's a
balanced way to go about this,where you know you are in
(41:31):
attunement with yourself butyou're also living in attunement
with others and you're not justthinking about yourself.
We're not really talking aboutlike total self-denial in the
sense that, like you know whatyou're feeling, what you're
fearing doesn't matter.
That's not what we're saying atall.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
Agreed, fully, fully agreed.
What you feel is what you feeland but unfortunately for many
of us, again in that stage ofbeing emotionally undeveloped,
we try not to feel anything andaccept those core emotions that
I talked about.
And it's so important that wego deeper.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yeah, awesome.
Well, man, I've loved thisinterview again today.
This was just another grandslam.
I feel like conversation forguys listening.
I know this is going to add somuch value, so thank you so much
for bringing your expertiseinto this interview.
Dr Eddie and I know you said itin our last podcast how guys
can find your work and check outyour book but would you just
(42:25):
tell us again if guys want tolook at your work and what
you're doing, where can theyfind you?
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Right?
Well, all my books areavailable at Amazon exclusively,
so just type in Caparucci andyou will find them there.
If you have a question orconcern about something, you can
reach out to me personally.
I respond to everybody atedcappa E-D-C-A-P-P-A at
gmailcom and I'll be happy toanswer your question, and that's
(42:54):
where you guys can connect withme.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
Awesome and thanks so much for sharing and I'll be
sure to link to your stuff againin the show notes of the
podcast so you guys can findthat link there.
For anyone that's having a hardtime spelling Caparrucci so
cool, well, thanks again.
So much, dr Eddie.
Hope that you have a wonderfulday and a wonderful week, and I
know at some point I'm going tocome back and sick the hounds on
(43:17):
you to get another podcastepisode, but I know you're also
incredibly busy, so again, justthank you so much for your time.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
You're welcome.
God bless you.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
Yeah, god bless you.
Yeah, god bless you as well.
All right, man, that was agreat episode with Dr Eddie.
So many actionable steps andtakeaways from that.
If I had to choose one, I thinkit would be to increase your
emotional capacity, your abilityto understand your emotions,
and a simple way to do thatcould be to get one of those
(43:45):
emotional color wheels that DrEddie mentioned and I love to
use this in therapy as well.
But get one of these colorwheels and from time to time,
when you're feeling something,find on the wheel an emotion
that best describes how you'refeeling.
And you know it might bedifficult at first to get in the
(44:06):
habit of it and it also mightbe difficult to look at those
words and choose one.
But that will help you expandyour vocabulary for what you're
feeling and try to pick wordsthat maybe are different than
just the basics.
Typically the way the wheelworks is that the most basic
ones you know happy, angry, sadthose are all in the middle and
(44:27):
then it branches out to more andmore descriptive emotions.
So if you can try grabbing thatcolor wheel from time to time,
finding an emotion that you cansort of identify with, that you
think describes what you'refeeling and then try to go take
that even a step further andexplain to someone whether it's
your spouse, partner, if you'rein a relationship or a close
(44:49):
friend why you're feeling thatway, and just get in the habit
of identifying your emotions andexpressing them, and I think
that could do a lot for you overtime.
It's one of those things whereyou aren't going to be able to
quantify the amount that that'smaking a difference in the short
term and it's kind of hard toquantify.
(45:14):
But in the long term, becomingmore well-versed in your own
emotions and describing them andexplaining them is going to be
huge for helping you to processthem and handle them
appropriately, rather thanstuffing things down and saying,
ah, this is too hard, I don'teven know exactly what I'm
feeling, so I'm not going tolean into this conflict.
I'm not going to lean intothese anxious thoughts or these
(45:34):
depressive thoughts that I'mhaving.
Instead, I'm just going to pushit all away and just keep
living my life without reallyunderstanding or tapping into my
emotions, which is a temptingstrategy just to push it off day
after day and say I'll dealwith this later, I'll deal with
this tomorrow.
But the truth is, for a lot ofus.
(45:55):
If we're not managing emotionswell and we know it deep down,
then that is going to lead ustowards destructive and unwanted
behaviors like pornography.
So that would be my action stepfor you guys and then write
down those emotions, track themover time, right, get some data
for yourself to look at whatkind of moods you're in and how
you're feeling and what you'refeeling over a period of time.
(46:18):
That kind of stuff can all besuper useful.
And, of course, I'd love foryou to check out our community
and check out our program, whereyou can work with me and we can
dive even deeper into emotionalintelligence and helping you
work on these things,understanding the meaning of
your desires and emotions, sothat you can be better equipped
(46:38):
to deal with sexual urges, butalso just other forms of anxiety
.
So that's what we've got fortoday.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
Again, please leave a reviewfor the podcast or share it with
somebody if you haven't donethat yet, and we will see you
guys in the next episode.
Take care.
Welcome to the Reclaimed and Unashamed podcast,
where we are helping men torewire their brains and overcome
the shame that often surroundsunwanted pornography use.
I'm your host, colton Thomas,and today I'm interviewing Dr
Eddie Caparucci.
We've had Dr Eddie on the showbefore, but today we're going to
talk more specifically aboutone of his books why Men
(00:22):
Struggle to Love, and somethings that we have to look
forward to that are coming up inthis episode are the topic of
why is it that so many men seemto struggle to experience deeper
intimacy and really understandtheir emotions?
Right, there's this concept ofhaving high emotional
intelligence or high emotionalIQ, and it seems like a lot of
(00:43):
men are, to be honest, afraid oftheir emotions.
Emotions are powerful and whenwe don't understand them, we
tend to be very avoidant, verydismissive.
We have a difficult timeresolving conflicts with people
that we love and, as a result,we turn in these moments where
we don't want to confront ouremotions.
We turn to things likepornography and other unwanted
(01:07):
habits and behaviors, and todaywe're going to talk with Dr
Eddie about why that is, andwe're also going to talk about
some possible solutions, as wellas blind spots, because the
difficult thing about blindspots is that you can't really
see your own blind spots, and sooften men who struggle to love
and who are struggling withpornography don't really even
(01:29):
see or understand the reasonswhy they're struggling, and so
my hope and my prayer is thatthis episode will help you a lot
in that, gaining new insightsand understanding into your
situation.
And now we're going to get intoit.
Here's my conversation with DrEddie Caparucci.
All right, well, dr Eddie,welcome back to the Reclaimed
and Unashamed podcast.
(01:49):
I'm so excited to have you hereagain, and, man, last time we
just had such a richconversation.
We talked about your book, someGoing Deeper.
Then you've got a more recentbook that's come out too, called
why Men Struggle to Love, andso, anyways, I've been reading
your material, struggle to love,and so, anyways, I've been
reading your material.
I've gotten certified now inyour course, which is exciting.
I just really wanted to haveyou back as a mentor and as a
(02:11):
friend and just someone who'sbeen helping me a lot in my own
professional growth and careerhere.
So thanks so much for your timethis morning.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Well, thanks for having me back on.
I so much enjoyed the last timewe were here, plus our other
conversations that we have soalways excited to sit and talk
with you.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Yeah, absolutely so.
As I thought about our lastpodcast and conversation
together, something that hassurfaced now in my work that
I've really been wanting to askyou about and I know this is
related to your book why MenStruggle to Love but it's that I
keep coming across men who arestruggling with pornography, who
(02:51):
are struggling with sexaddiction, who really just want
to feel wanted, want to feeldesired, and they're either in a
relationship where they're notfeeling, you know, maybe
sexually wanted or sexuallydesired very much, and that
could be for a variety ofreasons, right.
Or they're single and they'rekind of lonely and they're not
feeling wanted or desired thereeither.
(03:14):
And one of the only ways itseems that they know that they
might be able to turn to, to getany feeling that like, hey, I'm
wanted or this is, you know,I'm pleasing somebody else or
I'm feeling connected right now,like one of the only things
that they feel they can turn to,that they can trust and kind of
(03:36):
know, almost expect withcertainty, they're going to get
some kind of that, that feelingis sex and pornography, right.
And so we've got a lot of menwho, I think, have habitually
turned to using those things toget this feeling of connection
that they're after right Ofbeing one and desired.
I'd just love for you to startoff our episode by speaking into
(03:57):
that that many men feel, youknow, emotional connection
through physical intimacy whatthey confuse.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
They confuse emotional intimacy or physical
intimacy.
You know, god designed us tohave relationships based on
emotional connection emotionalintimacy, then we're supposed to
sprinkle in the physicalintimacy.
Then we're supposed to sprinklein the physical intimacy.
Men who are emotionallyundeveloped and in my practice
(04:28):
I've seen over the years theguys who come in that I work
with, who struggle withaddiction nine out of 10 also
are emotionally undeveloped.
And what they do?
They have the model upside downthey build the foundation of a
(04:49):
relationship on physicalintimacy and they sprinkle the
emotional in a little bit, whatlittle bit they know to do in
order to try to build it.
You know, the idea is thatagain we go back to the
emotionally undeveloped man.
What happened there and this iswhat the idea of what was the
driver for writing this book wasseeing that so many men they
(05:10):
could learn how to stop thepornography, how to stop acting
out.
They were able to manage thatand deal with that behavior a
lot through my inner child model.
However, they were stillstruggling in their
relationships because they don'tknow how to emotionally connect
(05:31):
and engage.
So therefore this was causing alot of problems between them
and their spouse or theirpartner.
And the problem all originateswhen we were younger, where
there's no adult there to helpus.
To.
One, deal with emotionaldistress or discomfort.
And two, teaches us aboutemotion, teaches us how to
(05:55):
connect.
So if you don't know how toreally emotionally bond, and now
you've come across pornography,and now you come across
pornography, let's say, maybe atthe age of 13, 14 or such, then
all of a sudden it's like, oh,that bonding.
Look at those two.
Look at them, they're bonding,they're connecting.
(06:29):
That comes from theneurotransmitters that are being
activated in the brain.
We cross the wires and we lookat that and say that connection,
the physical stuff.
That's the way you connect.
And so, therefore, for a man,it becomes this idea that I
never feel more loved than whensomebody is being physical with
me or sexually engaging with me.
And let me show you how much Ilove you by how I can make you
(06:54):
feel sexually, how I can get youexcited and bring you to a
certain level.
And that is what will bond usand connect us.
And that's the problem.
It is a problem with many menwho struggle with addiction.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Yeah, and I can see that you know clearly as well
just in the work that I've doneso far.
And I just to add to that, Ithink that sex also becomes for
so many men their real onlysource of excitement or arousal
in their lives as well, and soit feelings that life is, I
don't know exciting or that youhave something to look forward
(07:30):
to.
You just don't get that kind ofenergy, that kind of rush from
other things in your life If youhaven't, you know carefully
created a life that you wake upand look forward to living, if
that makes sense life that youwake up and look forward to
living, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
You're touching on two of the 14, what I call blind
spots, and the blind spots arethe issues that men have that
prevent them from building anddeveloping secure relationships,
and what you're talking aboutis one of them lack of
contentment.
This is it, this is all life is, and so therefore they, they
(08:09):
struggle.
The other is they have.
Many of them have limitedinterest in passion.
They just don't have that, sotherefore, they don't feel that
sense of um adrenaline often,unless it's doing something from
a physical standpoint such ashaving sex or engaging in
(08:30):
pornography.
That's where they get the highlevel of stimulation as they
move forward in their life.
But it's not enough and all itdoes it just continues to
reinforce the message that forthem, it becomes this idea that
I need this, I need porn, I needsex in order to feel alive yeah
(08:55):
and, again, that's not all menwho struggle with it, but it is
a good segment and that's.
That's just a fallacy.
It it's not true, but it's allthat they believe.
Because, again, and the wordthat appears so often in the
book why Men Struggle to Love iswe're oblivious.
We're oblivious to what we'rereally supposed and what they
(09:18):
can bring.
We're oblivious to the factthat God designed us to be
complete creatures, not justphysical creatures, but also to
be emotionally engaging.
And, most important, we'reoblivious to the fact that
emotional intimacy andconnection is so much more
(09:41):
powerful than physical intimacy.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Yeah, and could you speak more into that?
And you mentioned blind spots.
I think you said 14.
I know we won't be able tocover all those, but that's
really, man, that's so importantfor guys to realize.
I think that there's not just Idon't know.
Sometimes there's a tendency tooversimplify what the problem
could be for men, but thefurther we examine it, the
(10:04):
further we see that, dependingon your own unique individual
story, you could be dealing withone of 14 or more different
blind spots, and that's why it'sso important to educate
yourself and get a holistic kindof view of what's going on.
And so, anyways, I just want topoint that out really quick.
But then I want to come back.
You just said something reallyimportant that there's so much
(10:24):
more power in emotional intimacy.
Could you speak into that andwhy that is and why?
But also why do so many menfail to see that?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
well, the fact of the matter is our emotions are very
powerful.
The reason most men don't seethat is because at some point in
their life they either shutdown or they dullened some of
their emotions, and they did itas a coping strategy to protect
(10:58):
themselves from the emotionaldistress or discomfort that they
were feeling at the time whenthey were younger.
Because there's nobody thereand I mean an adult is not there
to help them go through.
And how do I deal with thisemotional discomfort?
So and sometimes it's theparents that are causing the
(11:22):
emotional discomfort or distress.
So therefore I need to protectmyself as a child.
How do I do that?
I'm going to shut off thesefeelings, because if I continue
to feel them, I'm going tobecome either very highly
anxious or I'm going to start toget depressed.
So that's the coping strategy.
(11:45):
And then we just take thatcoping strategy into the rest of
our life and we don't developwhat we need from an emotional
IQ to be able to engage in veryhealthy relationships.
Our relationships are ratherunhealthy and we're not
providing those who we bringinto our world our partner, our
(12:08):
spouse we're not providing themwhat they're really looking for
and what they need and then theystart to get upset by it,
because now they're feeling veryunfulfilled.
I can't tell you how manyspouses I've talked to that have
said you know what all he wantsevery time he comes near me.
You know, come near me to hugme, but when he's hugging me
(12:28):
he'll go and grab my cheeks or,you know, grab my breast or
start to rub against me and it'slike I just wanted a hug, I
didn't want to be groped, andyou know that's when he'll come.
He'll come to me and hold mewhen he wants to be sexual and
after a while they start to feelused and they just start to
(12:51):
push away.
They start to pull away fromtheir partner, and now that
leaves the guy feeling even morerejected.
And so now he's up the ante andnow he's doing more porn or
acting out in a different way.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
Yeah, it can be a tough cycle to break out of when
you're continue to head moreand more that direction, like
you said, where your wife'sfeeling more and more
disconnected or your partner orspouse is feeling more and more
used.
It's kind of pushing you awayfurther and then more and more
towards pornography and then, ofcourse, with the dopamine and
the way we know the brain worksworks, you're getting kind of
more and more hooked anddesensitized to other you know
(13:28):
forms of connection and soanyways, yeah, that's, that's a
tough cycle to be in.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, well, also, if I can add, with the emotionally
undeveloped man.
When the wife start to expressher disappointment, that feel
like it's all the only time youwant to touch me, when you want
to be sexual, instead of seeingher pain and trying to adapt to
(13:52):
that and understand it and fixit.
Instead, the emotionallyundeveloped guy is going to get
upset.
You're going to get defensive.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
Look, how can I I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
Look, how can I help it?
You know what?
You're just a very attractiveand sexual woman.
I want to be.
You know, I want to engage withyou that way.
What's the big deal?
Why can't you just approve?
(14:13):
Why are you just?
You know, and it's all about me.
That's what it comes down.
That's what the emotionallyundeveloped man become.
They don't want to, but that'swhat they become.
It's all about my comfort.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah, I think that's an important point to
acknowledge.
So you know, I read a quoterecently from a book that I read
.
You might have heard this bookEmotionally Healthy Spiritually.
I've heard this bookEmotionally Healthy Spiritually,
and one of the quotes from thebook is that it's impossible to
(14:52):
be spiritually healthy whilebeing emotionally unhealthy.
And I think that the same istrue when it comes to trying to
overcome porn.
It's impossible to overcomeyour pornography, or whatever
addiction it is, while beingemotionally unhealthy, or at
least it's just to make itextremely difficult for you you
touched on another blind spot.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Okay, that that is the struggle to connect with god
or to connect with your higherspiritual power and and it is
true, because a lot of that isemotionally based it is
emotionally based, and havingthat strong emotional desire to
(15:33):
want to know and to get closerto your spiritual practices or
to God is very important.
Without that, there is norelationship.
Without a relationship it goesback to the point that you know
(15:53):
the book said there.
Then the spirituality is notwhat it should be.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, you know, as you're talking about the, I
guess, the harmful side effects,so to speak, or the direct
effects, of having a lowemotional IQ.
I think one struggle that a lotof men have, like you said, is
that they start to use theirwives as sort of a masturbatory
tool, almost for their ownphysical needs, right that?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
is about it.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
Yeah, and that might sound kind of like a harsh way
to put it, but I think that'sreally what we're looking at,
and I think for a lot of menthat's where the struggle is in
their relationship.
And if you're single out thereand you hope to be in a
relationship someday and you'restruggling a lot with porn, then
this probably will eventuallybecome something that you'll
have to work through.
And so I think the point is weneed so desperately to expand
(16:46):
what you're calling ouremotional IQ and to learn how to
really connect and feel desiredand wanted, apart from just
that physical piece.
And so I think that thisconversation has to move towards
.
You know, how does one begin todo that?
How does one, especially ifyou've spent years you're an
adult man now and you spentyears kind of feeling
(17:08):
emotionally unhealthy or justthis low emotional IQ?
Like, where do you start?
Where do you begin to kind ofpick up the pieces, so to speak?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
I want to go back there to what you just said for
a moment the fact of, in a sense, that we're just using our
wives for sexual pleasure.
Most of the guys listening nowwho are dealing with a low
emotion, like you, they'd belooking at and thinking of what
we're talking about.
They'd say that's crazy.
They don't know what I'm doing.
No, they're not In their mind,they're connecting, they think
(17:37):
they're bonding, but the bondingthat they're doing is very
limited and it's not in the areathat should be predominant from
a bonding standpoint, andthat's our emotion, and so,
therefore, they need to be ableto learn how to shift that.
So how do we do that?
(17:58):
Well, there are many aspects.
Like I said, there are 14 blindspots that I've identified.
Most men, they average anywherebetween like six and nine that
they'll have, and in the book,if I describe what the blind
spots are, what I've also doneis I put antidotes for each one.
(18:19):
What do you do to combat?
So let's stay with the lowemotional IQ.
A low emotional IQ usuallytakes on three aspects.
One I can tell you if I'm angry, sad, lonely, happy, afraid,
(18:39):
but I can't drill down to tellyou what my real emotion is.
So therefore, you see the anger, you see the sadness, but they
can't really tell you what'sgoing on emotionally.
They don't have words toidentify the feeling.
And this again happened when wewere younger, where a parent
(19:01):
does not teach a child.
This is what the word is forwhat you're feeling.
So, for example, a child, let'ssay a four-year-old, whose
older sibling is going to abirthday party, and this kid's
having a tantrum, you know,because he wants to go.
He wants to go and and theparent mother comes and goes.
You know, if you don't knock itoff, you know you're going to
(19:23):
go to your room and you knowyou're going to stay there for
the rest of the day.
Stop it, stop acting this way.
She's taught him nothing, puthim nothing, except don't feel
anything.
What the parent who's going toteach their kid to be emotional
and develop is going to do isokay, honey, honey, what's wrong
(19:46):
?
She knows what's wrong.
What's wrong?
I want to go.
I want to go.
Yes, you want to go to theparty?
Yeah, I want to go to the party.
Yes, you know what I understand.
You want to go to the party.
The party is for older party.
Yeah, I want to go to the party.
Yes, you know what I understand.
You want to go to the party.
The party is for older kids.
(20:06):
Wait, wait, okay, now don't godown the pathway of there'll be
more parties for you, there'llbe all that.
No, that's not it.
You know what?
What you're feeling right nowis disappointed.
Now, I don't expect the kid toremember that or to say the word
back to you, but you're feelingdisappointed.
All of us get disappointed.
There's many things that Iwould like to do that I can't do
and I get disappointed by that.
(20:29):
That's what you're goingthrough right now, and I know it
doesn't make you feel anybetter, but you want to go to
that party.
And I know it doesn't make youfeel any better, but you want to
go to that party.
But you know what?
Maybe you and I can dosomething together.
You're teaching and mostparents don't do that.
I don't have words.
So number one is I can't reallydrill down.
(20:52):
The other second part is maybeI can drill down.
Most cases I can't, but maybe,even if I could, I don't know
how to express my feelings.
I don't know how to be.
Oh, here's the ugly wordvulnerable.
Ugh, vulnerable makes us cringeat men.
I don't want to be vulnerable.
(21:14):
That's weak.
You know that's not what you'resupposed to do.
You're supposed to be strong.
You keep it in, rub a littledirt on the wound and get back
in there.
Don't be vulnerable.
They weren't taught how to bevulnerable.
They weren't taught that.
Oh you know what, by beingvulnerable and you're doing with
somebody who is healthy, oh myGod, you feel amazed After.
(21:38):
When somebody validates you.
It's an amazing feeling to haveand many of us don't know what
that is, because we haven'ttaken the risk.
That's what it is is a riskbecause that person healthy.
We may have done it.
We learned at a young age thatif I try to be vulnerable with
someone, it got shut down, itgot minimized.
(22:00):
It was, you know, maybe metwith you know contempt, or with
you know this sense of shame.
Why are you feeling that way?
That's stupid.
I would never.
So don't share, I don't share,so don't share, I don't share.
(22:23):
And then, finally, the thirdpart of a low emotional IQ is
the idea that when other peopletry to be emotionally vulnerable
with me, it causes my anxietyto increase and I can't handle
it.
I don't know what to do withthese feelings.
So what do we do?
The joke about men oh, fix it.
Oh, I got a solution for you.
I know what you can do, and insome cases we don't go that way.
(22:45):
What we'll do is we'll minimizeit.
It's not a big deal.
It's like we're doing the samething somebody did to us when we
were younger.
Or we'll withdraw and say look,you know, I just don't have
time to deal with it.
You have to figure it out onyour own.
So without that base of emotionthe emotional I do we can't
(23:07):
engage fully with people that wedo it on a 10 000 foot level.
But in doing that we're missingout on all of the benefit that
emotion can bring to it.
Yes, emotion can cause a lot ofpain.
There's no doubt about it.
They cause pain, but it'sduring that pain that we grow.
(23:31):
It's learning to sit with thatpain, which is another blind
spot the inability to sit withemotional discomfort, not being
able to do that which is running, and that is the biggest reason
for your addiction.
Right now, you can't sit withyour emotional distress.
You couldn't do pain of a child.
(23:59):
I learned.
You know what.
I won't think about it.
That's my solution, that was mycoping strategy.
And how do I do that I distractmyself.
Too much food, too much sugar,too much television, too many
video games.
Keep going right down the list,right, right, anything, but
sitting with that pain.
Well, you take that into youradolescent, teen world, adult
(24:23):
world, and all you do is youtrade out the behavior and
somewhere along the line, porngame like, oh my gosh, the
mother of all distractions,right, and then maybe into
something else as you go along.
That's the problem when itcomes to pornography.
It's not about sex, it's aboutthe fact I can't sit with
(24:44):
emotional discomfort, and that'swhy we have to teach men to do
that.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yeah, so true, and taking that even a step further
for some men, turning topornography might not only just
be a distraction from notwanting to sit with their
emotions or being vulnerable,but it also pornography through
the specific types ofpornography they're looking at
could even be a way of sort ofworking out, trying to work out
(25:11):
meeting some of the emotionalneeds that they have, right.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I will say this okay, and I've heard this so often,
I'm sure you've heard it too, um, and it's still.
I understand it, but becauseI've never experienced it it's
hard for me to grasp.
But men have told me thatwatching porn they get a sense
(25:35):
of connection, that that persondesires them, wants them, and
that to them is more thrillingthan anything else.
Now again I understand whatthat is, because they believe
physical intimacy is the waythat you bond, picking it up
(25:56):
from porn.
As I said, I still haven't beenable to kind of wrap my head
around it, but I would imagineif a woman's looking right at a
camera and she's engaged in asexual thing and she's got this
look of desire on her face thatyou could go into fantasy to be
(26:16):
able to say, oh, that that meansshe's desiring or wanting, or
I'm, you know, the one net whowill please her that way and
connect with her.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Yeah, I think there's a lot of men that kind of place
themselves vicariously in theshoes of people in the videos
they're watching and theythey're trying to meet their
emotional needs in a deepersense that way.
I just think the fact thatthere's a lot of men who, for
them, the most graphic partsabout pornography might actually
not be the part that turns themon the most, the part that
(26:50):
arouses them or excites them themost, where they're getting the
most high feeling is actuallymore from some other part of the
video, and you have to askyourself why, why isn't the
climax of sex itself?
Why wouldn't that be the mostarousing part for you?
Why would it be something elseinstead?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Well, now you're also going back to dopamine.
Okay, where does dopaminereally work in the process?
And it's not so much at thatheightened, true time arousal.
It is about the anticipation.
That's true if what's neck,what neck, what coming, that's
where that dopamine really has astronghold on you.
(27:31):
So, therefore, it's always thatagain that it's like the
gambler.
Okay with the, the thing isn'twinning and losing.
It's what.
The next card, the next card,is it going to be that card I
need?
Okay, that's what they'rereally focused on, their
attention.
That's where the dopamine isbeefy at work so, therefore,
(27:52):
it's always that's what you'veknow, with the fact that, like
the hunt sometimes needs to bemore invigorating than the
actual act itself.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yeah, Right yeah, right with that I think that's a
good point that you brought upthere too.
I just think.
I think the point is just to becurious, to be curious about
what is it from the pornographiccontent you're watching that's
really stimulating you and howcould that be related to these
underlying emotional needs inthis low iq that you're?
Speaker 2 (28:20):
talking.
You're talking about the innerchild model again right, you're
back you're back to the whyquestion.
Why do I think, feel and dowhat I do?
And understanding that, whatdid it do?
It empowers you.
Yes, I got power.
I understand why that is sotempting yeah so now I can start
(28:42):
coming up with the strategy tobe able to desensitize myself
from it.
But I go back to the word againoblivious, I believe.
I just do it.
That's what happens.
I do it, I've always done it,and that's what.
If you don't understand why youwill, that's where you'll stay.
(29:03):
You'll stay in that place wherenothing ever changes, and what
we're looking for is to changeeverything.
Okay, not just get rid of thebad behavior, but also to learn
how to bring our heart more intothe process, how to turn our
(29:23):
prefrontal cortex on fullyversus like a dimming bulb that
goes on and off.
No, let's turn the thing onbright and so that we can really
think things through.
We're not guided by thoseimmature, childlike emotions.
Instead, we're guided byrational thinking.
(29:44):
We are different creatures,we're different people, and
that's what the whole realaspect of recovery should be
about.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
Yeah, and just so you guys know, the prefrontal
cortex is a part of our brainresponsible for that rational
decision making right, and whathappens is when we get these
strong urges we can hit likefight, flight or freeze.
If we have not matured to acertain extent, we're not able
to think rationally in momentsof temptation.
But as we mature, as we gain anawareness, like you're talking
(30:16):
about, about our emotions andour past, we understand that.
Why, question then you might besurprised that this more
rational thinking emerges evenin time, even in the midst of
temptation.
But you know that takes time,right it does take time it takes
.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And it all starts with my number one rule Slow
everything down If you don't.
Because we don't, we have ourhead down and we're running
through life.
We have to add our head up andobserving all around us.
How am I doing?
How am I doing mentally,emotionally, physically,
spiritually?
What are the needs and wants ofother people?
(30:54):
What are the pain points thatmy partner is going through?
These are not things that wenormally focus on.
We're focused on the thingsthat are important to us, the
things that interest us, thethings that are troubling us,
the things that bring uspleasure.
That's where we are.
It's me, me, me.
There is no place in therecovery process for just me.
(31:19):
It is not about me.
It has to be that way.
And that's difficult becausewe've made it about us.
Why?
Because when we were younger,nobody made it about us.
Oh, maybe they taught you howto play baseball, maybe they
taught you how to play theguitar, maybe they taught you
(31:40):
about church and things likethat, but when it comes to
emotional growth, they weren'tthere.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, good thoughts, dr Eddie.
So I have another question, andthat is I also work with a lot
of guys who have been trying torecover from porn for a long
time and they've spent money inother programs.
They've worked with therapistsalready, and so I think that
there's a lot of men out therewho do have some degree of
(32:10):
awareness that they need to growan emotional IQ.
I think, at some point, though,men are still kind of latched
on to pornography, because yousaid something earlier in the
episode they think that theyneed it and I think to some
degree, this comes down toalmost like a faith decision.
You have to believe that lifewould be better without
(32:32):
pornography and with a deeperemotional IQ and connection
without pornography and with adeeper emotional IQ and
connection, like.
If you don't believe that that'spossible, you know, then why
would you go through all thisdiscomfort of being vulnerable
and asking all these hardquestions?
And, like you said, why wouldyou slow things down when you
got all these things to do?
And you know just, maybe in themoment it makes sense to you,
(32:52):
you got to get a lot of workdone, you got to make more money
, I mean, like in order to dothese radical changes like
you're talking about.
I mean it kind of starts withjust believing that this is
possible.
I mean, what word would youhave the men who are who kind of
realize that the stuff we'retalking about is true but who
still just quite haven't likebeen able to feel any real
changes, like they're still justkind of feel stuck and hopeless
(33:15):
.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Well, and I understand that we do feel stuck
, but I'll also say thatprobably what's lacking, because
the emotionally undeveloped manalso is not very disciplined.
You may be disciplined incertain things, it could be very
disciplined work, or maybe aworkout routine, work or maybe a
(33:39):
workout routine but when itcomes to the things that need to
be done from a self-careperspective, when it comes to
the things that need to be donefrom a relationship perspective,
they are not disciplined.
And that's where we need tostart.
And you begin with the idea ofwhat do you want from life, what
do you want in your life?
Let's go even deeper.
What about your legacy?
(34:00):
What is your legacy going to be?
What do you want people to say,you know, at your funeral?
What do you want that eulogy tosound like?
And look at that, and there'seven an exercise where you sit
and you write out what is thateulogy that I do?
But then, with thatunderstanding, what do I want?
(34:21):
Now it's like, all right, letme go tackle it.
Let me go tackle it.
And again, it's not going to beeasy, but let's take it from an
emotion standpoint, one.
There are groups called there'sactually an emotions anonymous.
Okay, they have them online.
They have my phone, they haveall different.
You may be looking to somethinglike that.
(34:41):
There are other ones also thatare out there.
You know, maybe what you do isyou start to prepare yourself,
looking watching things likemovies, watching television,
reading novels, but taking yourtime not just.
Okay, here's the story.
But but what's that emotion?
Wait, stop, stop, let me put iton pause.
(35:02):
That character, what are theyfeeling right now?
What do I?
I think they're feeling there'ssomething that's called an
emotion wheel.
Go online right, type inemotion wheel on Google and look
at images and they'll come up.
Or, better yet, go to Amazonand type it in and buy one.
It costs like six bucks, okay,and you have it.
(35:23):
It'll show you all thedifferent emotions and sit there
with it and look at what, whatis it, and figure out what those
emotions are.
And then, what about me?
When have I ever, maybe, feltsomething like that?
It takes a lot ofself-reflection.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
A lot of self-reflection.
It is hard work, but it is soworthwhile.
Hard work, but it is soworthwhile.
Yeah, and again, it comes downto the idea of commitment.
Are you going to be committedto making change, and not just
the change of oh, I'm no longerdoing that, but the change of my
heart, that I am being moreoutwardly spoken, I am being
(36:05):
more mindful, I'm being lesscompulsive, I am not being as
beautiful.
So those are some of the thingsthey have to do.
That's why I go back to what Isaid before it's like changing
everything, you changeeverything.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Yeah, yeah.
What I'm hearing you say is youhave to be willing to become a
student of your emotions andmake a lifelong commitment to
that.
And this is kind of where tothe spiritual and faith-based
side comes in for me as aChristian, that I really believe
that if you make thatcommitment in your heart, that
you want to make it not justabout you, like you were saying,
(36:42):
like you want to deny that partof yourself in order to expand
your emotional IQ and connectmore with the people in your
life that you love and connectmore with God, I think God will
come in and he will help you todo that.
He will come in and he'll helpyou, because it does seem like
an overwhelming and impossibletask at times, to be honest, and
(37:02):
I think that that's where thatfaith comes in, that like
there's power there in thatspiritual aspect that he's
promised.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
I think it's important for men to also
understand.
You're never going to beperfect at this, you're not,
you're not, I mean.
I mean, if you're on this endof the spectrum, ok, you're not
going over to this end of thespectrum, all right, you're
going to go here, that's aboutit.
Maybe 30 percent, 40 percentmore, but wow, how different
that looks like.
(37:30):
And then it's the rest of yourlife just moving gradually, but
you're not going to wind up overthere.
This is almost like you aregoing back and you're putting
yourself on the pathway ofsanctification.
Okay, for those of youunderstand what that is, that
(37:51):
this is my pursuit to be morespiritually connected, to be
more christ-like.
Okay, from a christianperspective, growing it's about
growth, it's all about growth.
See, when you cut off thoseemotions, there's a part of you
to stop growing.
It's very sad.
It's sad that we stopped.
Well, guess what?
you can start again yeah you canbegin once again and again.
(38:11):
This book, why men struggle tolove, is a good starting point
for that yeah, that's atremendous resource.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
Um, I definitely want guys to check out your book.
You know, it makes me thinkabout how, for example, takes.
Take like someone who decidesthey want to be a bodybuilder,
they want to study their body,and I mean we're talking about
an intense amount ofcalculations, getting very
precise about your caloricintake, as well as what types of
food you eat and the types ofworkouts you're doing and when.
(38:41):
Think about how muchintentionality that takes, how
much discipline, you know.
Also, think about someone who'sa mountain climber and you're
going to plan an expedition toclimb one of the world's highest
peaks.
Here's the thing, though there'sa lot of men who want to kind
of tackle the journey of thebody or make these
accomplishments, tackle thejourney of summiting that high,
high mountain, but how many ofus have decided to turn that
(39:04):
journey inward, to tackle thejourney of emotional IQ and
knowledge and self-awareness?
Right, there's an inwardjourney that's just as great,
honestly, probably just aschallenging, and, you know, we
don't need to be necessarily,like metaphorically speaking,
bodybuilders from an emotionalstandpoint either.
But, like you said, what if wecould just increase this ability
(39:25):
we have emotionally by 10, 20,30 percent?
How much would that change ourlives?
Speaker 2 (39:31):
oh, it'd be huge.
It would be huge what it woulddo to change our life.
Because, again, what we'regoing to feel is we're going to
feel a sensation, we're going tofeel emotion we've never felt
before.
We're going to feel a sense ofjoy in our lives.
Okay, not just happiness, whichis based on circumstance.
(39:52):
We're gonna feel joy because,as I said before, emotional
intimacy is much more powerfulthan physical intimacy yeah,
that's.
That's where we should be aimingfor to grow, we need to learn
to grow.
One of the biggest problems wehave be aiming for to grow.
We need to learn to grow.
One of the biggest problems wehave in being able to commit
ourselves to this is fear.
(40:14):
Fear that I'm not going to getit right, fear that I'm not
going to be able to do it well,fear that people are still going
to you know, trash my emotion.
I understand, I get it.
I'm not telling you not to beafraid.
What I'm saying, though, ishold on to those fears and move
(40:34):
on despite them.
You owe it to yourself, and youowe it to your loved ones, that
you can learn to be anemotional being and move away
from being an unemotionallydeveloped man.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Yeah, that's really well said and I don't want guys
to get confused either, becausewe're talking about don't make
it all about yourself, and Ithink there's part of it's just
like denying yourself, realizingthat life is so much more than
just about you.
But we're saying that like inthe best way possible, because
life, when it's not just aboutyou, can actually be so much
better.
And we're not trying todownplay your fears.
(41:10):
If you're listening out therelike it's not that you know
we're saying we don't care aboutlike whatever it is you're
feeling or fearing or goingthrough, because the things that
you're feeling, they areimportant.
But you just can't make thosethings only about you and kind
of turn everything inward, likelike Dr Eddie saying there's a
balanced way to go about this,where you know you are in
(41:31):
attunement with yourself butyou're also living in attunement
with others and you're not justthinking about yourself.
We're not really talking aboutlike total self-denial in the
sense that, like you know whatyou're feeling, what you're
fearing doesn't matter.
That's not what we're saying atall.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
Agreed, fully, fully agreed.
What you feel is what you feeland but unfortunately for many
of us, again in that stage ofbeing emotionally undeveloped,
we try not to feel anything andaccept those core emotions that
I talked about.
And it's so important that wego deeper.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
Yeah, awesome.
Well, man, I've loved thisinterview again today.
This was just another grandslam.
I feel like conversation forguys listening.
I know this is going to add somuch value, so thank you so much
for bringing your expertiseinto this interview.
Dr Eddie and I know you said itin our last podcast how guys
can find your work and check outyour book but would you just
(42:25):
tell us again if guys want tolook at your work and what
you're doing, where can theyfind you?
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Right?
Well, all my books areavailable at Amazon exclusively,
so just type in Caparucci andyou will find them there.
If you have a question orconcern about something, you can
reach out to me personally.
I respond to everybody atedcappa E-D-C-A-P-P-A at
gmailcom and I'll be happy toanswer your question, and that's
(42:54):
where you guys can connect withme.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
Awesome and thanks so much for sharing and I'll be
sure to link to your stuff againin the show notes of the
podcast so you guys can findthat link there.
For anyone that's having a hardtime spelling Caparrucci so
cool, well, thanks again.
So much, dr Eddie.
Hope that you have a wonderfulday and a wonderful week, and I
know at some point I'm going tocome back and sick the hounds on
(43:17):
you to get another podcastepisode, but I know you're also
incredibly busy, so again, justthank you so much for your time.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
You're welcome.
God bless you.
Speaker 1 (43:24):
Yeah, god bless you.
Yeah, god bless you as well.
All right, man, that was agreat episode with Dr Eddie.
So many actionable steps andtakeaways from that.
If I had to choose one, I thinkit would be to increase your
emotional capacity, your abilityto understand your emotions,
and a simple way to do thatcould be to get one of those
(43:45):
emotional color wheels that DrEddie mentioned and I love to
use this in therapy as well.
But get one of these colorwheels and from time to time,
when you're feeling something,find on the wheel an emotion
that best describes how you'refeeling.
And you know it might bedifficult at first to get in the
(44:06):
habit of it and it also mightbe difficult to look at those
words and choose one.
But that will help you expandyour vocabulary for what you're
feeling and try to pick wordsthat maybe are different than
just the basics.
Typically the way the wheelworks is that the most basic
ones you know happy, angry, sadthose are all in the middle and
(44:27):
then it branches out to more andmore descriptive emotions.
So if you can try grabbing thatcolor wheel from time to time,
finding an emotion that you cansort of identify with, that you
think describes what you'refeeling and then try to go take
that even a step further andexplain to someone whether it's
your spouse, partner, if you'rein a relationship or a close
(44:49):
friend why you're feeling thatway, and just get in the habit
of identifying your emotions andexpressing them, and I think
that could do a lot for you overtime.
It's one of those things whereyou aren't going to be able to
quantify the amount that that'smaking a difference in the short
term and it's kind of hard toquantify.
(45:14):
But in the long term, becomingmore well-versed in your own
emotions and describing them andexplaining them is going to be
huge for helping you to processthem and handle them
appropriately, rather thanstuffing things down and saying,
ah, this is too hard, I don'teven know exactly what I'm
feeling, so I'm not going tolean into this conflict.
I'm not going to lean intothese anxious thoughts or these
(45:34):
depressive thoughts that I'mhaving.
Instead, I'm just going to pushit all away and just keep
living my life without reallyunderstanding or tapping into my
emotions, which is a temptingstrategy just to push it off day
after day and say I'll dealwith this later, I'll deal with
this tomorrow.
But the truth is, for a lot ofus.
(45:55):
If we're not managing emotionswell and we know it deep down,
then that is going to lead ustowards destructive and unwanted
behaviors like pornography.
So that would be my action stepfor you guys and then write
down those emotions, track themover time, right, get some data
for yourself to look at whatkind of moods you're in and how
you're feeling and what you'refeeling over a period of time.
(46:18):
That kind of stuff can all besuper useful.
And, of course, I'd love foryou to check out our community
and check out our program, whereyou can work with me and we can
dive even deeper into emotionalintelligence and helping you
work on these things,understanding the meaning of
your desires and emotions, sothat you can be better equipped
(46:38):
to deal with sexual urges, butalso just other forms of anxiety
.
So that's what we've got fortoday.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
Again, please leave a reviewfor the podcast or share it with
somebody if you haven't donethat yet, and we will see you
guys in the next episode.
Take care.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.