June 30, 2025 • 43 mins
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In this heartfelt episode of the Recover Your Soul Podcast, I share one of the most powerful tools of Soul Recovery: learning to step off the emotional battlefield and into peace. Soul Recovery is a spiritual path that teaches us how to shift from reactivity to intentionality—not by bypassing our feelings, but by honoring them and choosing differently. In this episode, I offer real-life stories from my own journey, including a recent moment with Rich that reminded me how quickly old patterns can surface—and how empowering it is to pause and return to our truth. Together, we’ll walk through the 9-Step Soul Recovery Process as a daily practice, not just a one-time checklist.
Whether it’s parenting, partnership, or past pain, we all have places where we’ve armored up to feel safe—but the battlefield never brings peace. You’ll learn how to take your power back by laying down your weapons and picking up awareness, surrender, and grace. This episode is a gentle yet transformative invitation to stop reacting, start healing, and live from your wholeness.
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul www.recoveryoursoul.net
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
Soul recovery is about taking your
power back by being able to bein situations that used to be
what I call the emotionalbattlefield and making a
different choice to not bereactive, to use the pause, to
use the nine step soul recoveryprocess to allow yourself to
feel the feelings that you'refeeling in that moment, but not
fall into old patterns.
(00:21):
I use an example recently thatRich and I had of an interaction
about how I'm using the NineStep Soul Recovery process to
choose peace over reactivity.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
(00:42):
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
(01:04):
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast and community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
We've been talking a lot abouthow your thoughts and the words
(01:24):
that you use, choose the realityin which you live, in that
thoughts create things.
Thoughts create the life thatyou live, and so I wanted to
come and look at that from thisperspective.
That really allows us to seethat we can choose in each
moment how we're going to showup, that we can stop being
reactive and choose peaceinstead, and it's going to hit
(01:47):
on the soul recovery steps, andI'll explain those as we come
along.
What I love about the soulrecovery process is it's given
me tools in my own life to fullytransform and show up in a
totally different way, and ifyou've heard the stories of the
previous episodes and I knowmany of you I still love this.
Go back to the very beginning,which, oh my gosh, in 2020, when
(02:11):
I started this podcast, I wasan entirely different person and
my life was still really,really chaotic and complicated,
and I just share with you thisprocess of learning how to be in
my life in a different way, andyou've been along on this ride
with me, with my kids, when theywere still really struggling
(02:33):
and had just moved to Californiaand were young adults still,
goodness gracious, there wasstill a lot of stuff going on
with them.
Rich and I were not nearly atthe place where we are today and
there was a lot more strife,but I've been using this
nine-step soul recovery processEvery single day.
I still use it, and that's whatI want to talk to you about
(02:54):
today this idea that we arecoming off of what I call the
emotional battlefield, thisplace where we pit ourselves
against the other people in ourlives and quite often we pit
ourselves against the peoplethat we care about the most,
because there is a lot going onand still things continue to go
(03:16):
on.
So I'm going to tell somestories about that, but what I
want to really continue givingyou tools for is to be in your
life using the nine-step soulrecovery process, not just as
steps that you do one time, butthe way to handle and think
about and be in the midst of ahard conversation or one of
(03:36):
those triggering moments or whenit just feels like your life is
unmanageable.
These are the tools that youpick up to get off of that
emotional battlefield.
And what I think is so amazingand so great is that, although
there are still complexitiesthat come and challenges, rather
than difficulty right or thingsthat I'm struggling with, we're
(03:58):
moving our thoughts, we'reusing our words more
conscientiously and we're sayingI'm in the middle of a
challenge, or I had somethingthat I bumped up against, or I
was able to see something in adifferent way, or gosh, there's
still a story that I'm tellingmyself here.
Those are empowering ways totalk about how you're feeling,
because your feelings areeverything.
(04:18):
Your feelings are telling youvery specifically what's going
on within you.
But we've been pounding thosedown, pushing them aside,
neglecting our heart, not payingattention to what's really
going on with ourselves, beingcodependent, choosing somebody
else's life first, not payingattention to what we need, for
so long.
But this process is giving ustools and languaging and the
(04:43):
ability to understand and see.
There's nothing wrong with anyof that.
We just no longer want to livefrom those limiting old beliefs
and patterns that do not alignwith us, that do not allow us to
be our full self, and they keepus in this loop of pain and
suffering and frustration.
(05:04):
And we've realized this isactually step one.
We've realized we can dosomething about it.
We're ready for awakening,we're ready to heal ourselves,
we're ready to make a decision,to choose a different way for us
to be in the world.
Step two is we're powerless overeverybody else, powerless over
what anybody else chooses orsays, but we are ready to come
(05:33):
into our understanding of who weare.
And in step three we're lookingat what are these old limiting
beliefs, patterns and stories?
What do I actually thinkunderneath there and can I
actually see that?
It's not true, it's not truethat I have to take care of
everybody.
It's not true that something'swrong with me or that I'm
unlovable or unworthy thesereally limiting beliefs that are
in our unconscious andsubconscious.
We're bringing them up to thesurface so that we can begin to
(05:57):
make a change, to make adifferent decision of how we're
going to be in the world, torecognize that those beliefs
were made by younger selves.
And then step four we're movinginto co-creating with the higher
power of your understanding,really stepping into your
spiritual practice, learningwhat your intuition is, learning
the co-creation, being moreattuned to your feelings and how
(06:21):
that's relating to yourspiritual self and how you can
begin to feel held and resourcedand part of something even
greater.
And then we move to step five,which is letting go of those old
stories.
Letting go of the old stories,really recognizing that they
aren't true, that we don't haveto choose them, that just
(06:43):
because that was the way thatour body and our mind worked
with each other to protectourselves in the past, or the
stories that we had made up, orthe truths that we really
thought were true.
We see that they were limited,that they came from situations
that were painful, but we'reready to let them go.
Step six is actually lettingthem go, that we choose to
(07:08):
embrace these new beliefs, torewrite our story, to step into
the truth of who we are and tobegin to see how that has always
been who we are.
We begin to really recognizethat there's evidence of the
truth of who we are just as muchas there was evidence of our
shortcomings or the old beliefsand patterns and stories that we
(07:29):
thought were true.
We're moving into what is truefor us and really claiming that
and rewriting our entire story.
And then, in step seven, we'realigning with this new
perception.
We are seeing the world in acompletely different way.
Step eight we are continuing todeepen our spiritual practice.
(07:51):
We're really looking at how wecan be more attuned to these
incredibly wise and beautifuland, oh my gosh, we just have so
much ability to be present in away that allows us to see the
world and have this differentperception and to really lean
(08:12):
into our inner wisdom, our innerguidance, and to use that part
of ourselves, that intuitivepart of ourselves, to be present
in the world.
And then, step nine shine yourlight, go out into the world as
this fully embodied self and bepresent in your world in a way
that can be of service, that canbe helpful, that can be a
beacon of light to others.
(08:32):
Not trying to fix or change orcontrol anybody, but really just
being the wholeness of who youare.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on zoom, where we learn
(08:55):
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the nine
step soul recovery process, I'mhere for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own, with
individual modules intended tosupport you, to work at your own
pace and on your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
(09:19):
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find DailyInspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, what Iwanted to get to.
(09:41):
It's kind of funny that I wasguided to just to go through the
complexity, the stickiness oflife, to remind yourself of who
(10:08):
you are.
Just because you did it onetime certainly does not mean
that you are one and done.
That's not how that works.
It's not been how it works forme.
But I continue to deepen myprocess and each time I really
stay present in and I deepen myprocess when there's a new
opportunity to learn.
(10:28):
It isn't quite as dark and deepand painful in the way that it
used to be painful.
There might be intense feelings, but feelings aren't bad.
Our attachment to all of thestories that's the part that
really is the suffering that weexperience.
(10:50):
So when we get on the emotionalbattlefield with the ones that
we love, what we often do is wemove into these habitual old
patterns and it's really aprotective mechanism to try to
keep us safe, and isn't itinteresting that the safety that
we're often doing is actuallykeeping us separate from the
(11:11):
people that we want to have moreintimacy with, that we want to
have more connection with.
People aren't safe.
No one is there for me.
I'm not enough.
This isn't going to be what Iwanted it to be.
I'm whatever.
It is these really icky, yuckythings that our critic says to
(11:32):
ourself that are really justtrying to keep the world out so
that we can be safe.
When I think about the emotionalbattlefield that Rich and I
were in for so many years, therewas a lot of validity in why we
were battling so much and wedidn't have the tools at the
time to really understand how tocommunicate with each other.
(11:53):
We were both raised in divorcedhomes.
He was raised in a home thathad a lot of conflict, a lot of
yelling, a lot of not talkingabout feelings, a lot of kind of
shoving things aside, and I wasraised in a home with no
conflict whatsoever.
No raised voices.
But in my own way of seeing theworld, my way of keeping it all
(12:18):
together, was to never actuallyhave a voice.
Not that I was told not to, butI just decided on my own, that
was the safest thing to do.
And so when we had kids andthings get complicated as those
of you have kids know that theyget complicated and there's
really no way around it.
(12:38):
This is what it is to be ahuman being is that?
Now you have a little personwho has their own karma, their
own personality, their own wayof seeing the world.
Somebody I was talking torecently said that his wife was
frustrated at theirtwo-year-old's temper tantrums
and he said well, it's kind ofeasy.
(13:00):
If you think about it from atwo-year-old, it is literally
the worst thing that's everhappened to them that they know
of when they can't havesomething.
They are starting to see in theworld that they want something
and you're telling them no.
And, yes, they think that isthe most horrific thing that
could ever happen to them thatyou would say no at the grocery
store to something or a balloonor a toy.
(13:21):
And so when you look at it fromtheir perspective, yeah, that
was horrible, right.
And so now we're having allthis new spiritual parenting
style.
A friend of mine, she had apodcast called Heart to Heart
Parents and now she's calling itSpiritual Parent, which I think
is fabulous, because therereally is this whole new tune
(13:42):
into, because there really isthis whole new tune into
checking in with your kids onthis spiritual level where we're
not dismissing their feelingsbut we're not overdoing it.
We're trying to swing andbalance in a better way with our
kids now, which is great.
But when you think about howthose feelings that we had when
we were little were discountedand then when I was having kids,
(14:07):
I didn't know how to handletheir feelings and Rich had very
different ways of thinking howit was supposed to be for making
them behave in some particularway, and it was oil and water.
It just had totally differentflavors to it and so it was a
battle.
It was a battle and the otherthing that I realized in my life
(14:28):
that it took me a long time ofhealing and soul recovery work
and digging into what are mybeliefs, what are my stories,
where did they come from?
I recognize I didn't have twoparents.
My dad was around until I wasaround seven years old, but he
wasn't really around all thatmuch and he completely
acquiesced and was whatever mymom wanted.
(14:50):
So I only really had one parent.
So I never even saw two parentsmodel how to navigate between
whoever did whatever right.
It was just always.
Whatever my mom's rules were,those were the rules and there
was no sharing.
So I didn't know how to share.
I didn't know how to share.
As an only child, I didn't knowhow to share.
(15:11):
I didn't know how to share.
As a parent, I didn't know howto share right?
You start looking at these waysthat we're creating, these
battles that are really aroundprotection.
So Rich and I, as soon as Istarted to feel like he was
attacking my parenting style orI was witnessing some behaviors
(15:33):
and actions that I could seewere not the ones that I wanted
in my family, both fromalcoholism and how you get when
you're drinking Sometimes youget the nice one that's really
fun and wants to do all thethings and sometimes you get the
irritated one.
We had all that.
But then we also had the piecethat just said in his growing up
(15:53):
it was you do what we say andthat's how we, how it is.
And when I was growing up itwas this open conversation.
There was never any no's, whichis so strange to think about.
If my mom actually said no, shereally meant no, because most
of the time it could be an opendiscussion and because it was
this open discussion generally,I did what she wanted anyway and
(16:17):
so I liked that and that's whatI wanted.
So it created this emotionalbattlefield that we were on, and
so I just really want to givevoice to the fact that sometimes
it's pretty hard to not havethe emotional battlefield within
your family system, forwhatever reason, because
everybody's really still inthere defended.
(16:38):
This is what I need, what Iwant, this is how I think it
should be, and it takes a lot ofraised consciousness and
self-awareness and desire to seeit different and willingness to
take a look at yourself andreally a readiness to heal and
to do things differently on allparties sides for there to be
(16:59):
complete and whole healing.
But when you make a decision,when you decide that you are
going to step into this path ofsoul recovery, just one person
coming off of the battlefieldwill make massive changes in how
the system still continues torun and people will, through
(17:22):
osmosis, slowly stop defendingif there's nothing to defend.
If you put your tools down,your knives, your battle things
down, they're going to pushagainst nothing and eventually
it stops.
It takes a lot of energy onyour part, it is a lot of work,
(17:43):
but it's totally worth it.
What's been happening in my lifesince things have substantially
gotten more mellow around hereis multifaceted right.
The boys grew up.
Now they're 26 and 28 years old.
They live in California.
They're primarilyself-supporting through their
own contributions 99.9% with alittle help every once in a
(18:06):
while because they're helpingthemselves and they're doing
their own work.
They have seasons of sobrietyand not sobriety, but neither
one of them are in a time ofcrisis.
They're actually in really goodshape right now, which is a
gift all on its own.
Alex and his girlfriend have abeautiful baby who's four months
(18:27):
old, who is.
He is just sparkly and shinyand laughing and giggling, and
his girlfriend is just the mostextraordinary giving, loving mom
who is just doting on him andhe's thriving, which is
beautiful, and that part of mylife is in pretty good shape.
(18:47):
And then for Rich and I, ourlife is actually in pretty good
shape most of the time, and oneof the reasons why, in all
fairness and transparency, thatI think that it's going so well
most of the time is becausewe're both super busy In our
lives.
We still don't have a lot ofthings that we connect on that
(19:13):
we do the same Still to this day.
He really prefers athleticstuff.
I never have right.
I'll go watch him, I'll go dothings, but even then I'm less
likely to go to all of thembecause I have other things I'd
rather be doing.
I'd rather be working on thepodcast, or I'd rather be going
to a meditation group, or I'drather stay home and do
(19:34):
spiritual study.
Like, my brain is justdifferent and I'm immersed in
this spiritual world.
I live it, breathe it, eat it.
Everything that I'm doing.
Live it, breathe it, eat it,everything that I'm doing.
And it has just brought me somuch inner peace and there's so
much happening within me thatit's hard to even explain, but
(19:55):
it feels really good to me.
So when we do things together.
He now works a job where he'sgone from 12 hours a day Monday
through Thursday, and on atotally between you and me
secret not so much a secretbecause he knows it's true.
It's been actually good for me.
I miss him, which is lovely,but it's given me these four
(20:17):
blocks of days where I canreally be in my bubble and I see
clients and I work on thepodcast and I do meditation in
the morning and there's not thisenergy of him getting ready for
the day for construction and inand out of the house and
opening the garage door and thebig truck starting and even
workers coming in.
(20:38):
I mean all the stuff that usedto be on a daily.
And the only way that I couldreally go into my spiritual
space is to come out here to mypodcast studio.
And now I kind of have my houseand that feels really good.
And then when we are togetherwe are laughing and enjoying our
home and making jokes and wehave a couple of TV shows that
(21:00):
we like to watch together andit's pretty lighthearted.
We don't have a lot of reallydeep conversations, but when we
do move into that space there'smore and more capacity for it.
I mean much more than I giveRich credit, for he is doing a
great job and then he actuallyin his new world, unfortunately
(21:20):
still has jobs that he was doingbefore he started this new job
and so he's working literallyseven days a week, from morning
until dark, every single day,and he's doing a really good job
of holding it together most ofthe time.
So the other day, what I want toshare with you is the emotional
battlefield has really subsided.
(21:43):
There's no emotionalbattlefield 90% 95, I'm going to
say 95% of the time.
There is no emotionalbattlefield at all, and it used
to be 95% of the time we were inan emotional battlefield.
So for those of you who are init, there is a way out.
I just want to give you hope,and it may mean that your life
(22:06):
ends up not being with thepeople who are continuing to
battle and won't put down theirweapons.
That is something that we haveto look at.
We have to be honest about.
We're learning in soul recoveryto see our life as it is, and I
say on a regular basis, I'm sograteful that Rich and I have
done this work to save ourmarriage.
I am not married to the sameperson, like literally not
(22:28):
married to the same person who Ididn't enjoy and who I was in
battle with even seven years ago.
We are both completelydifferent people and the key for
us has been to step into thisnew phase in our life and this
new relationship with these newpeople, without dragging all of
(22:48):
the past with us as often as wecan, but it still comes up from
time to time.
So here's my little, and this isone of those stories.
It's like it's not even thatbig of a deal, but it just shows
you how quick those oldpatterns and those old you know
like oh, gritty, sticky thingscan come and that there is
(23:08):
another way to handle it.
So the other day I show Rich aInstagram post of Alex and his
girlfriend and Bodhi at aconcert, and they had bought
these tickets for this concertlike months ago or something.
And Rich did his habitual oldpattern step three discovering
our old patterns and hishabitual old pattern was to say
(23:32):
something snarky oh, if theydon't have any money, how could
they go to a concert?
And then he looked at me and hesaid you probably paid for it,
didn't you?
Oh, oh, ow, ouch, oh, man, thatburned.
And I watched myself go rightback into the battlefield.
I felt that just hot flash ofjust oh, like, just that thing
(23:59):
that happens right, and I feltdefensive.
But at the same time I wentinto that place where it was
like I didn't want to fight, butI felt like I had to defend.
And this is one of my oldpatterns, this is a pattern.
So we're looking at patterns insoul recovery too.
(24:21):
There's a belief that I havethat I need to protect my
children at all costs, at allcosts.
And it's my job to make sureeverybody's okay.
And I don't like anybody tofight and I don't like there to
be conflict and that I'm goingto justify, I'm going to defend,
I'm going to, I'm the warriorwho makes sure that everything's
(24:42):
good.
And so I was cautious not tohave a bitchy tone and come at
the way that I used to, whichwould have been to totally just
fight back and be pissed, andinstead I just said no, they
bought the tickets like three orfour months ago.
They've been saving up for it.
Because I'm controlling.
Can you feel how that's control?
(25:02):
I'm controlling, I'm trying tomake rich, not be mad If I say
to him oh, they saved the moneyfrom three months ago and this
was an.
I watched myself like trying tobe nice-y so that he would let
go of whatever that was.
This is step two.
We're powerless over whatsomebody thinks.
(25:23):
Powerless over what hisresponse is, over what somebody
thinks, powerless over what hisresponse is.
But what was underneath was somuch more and it's so
interesting how it was somethingso menial and small, but when I
went and journaled on it later,it had so much more information
.
So, okay, so we're back in thesituation with Rich.
So he kind of has this snarkyremark.
(25:45):
So he kind of has this snarkyremark.
And I definitely get bristlyand he can feel when I get
bristly and I think I saidsomething like I just wish that
your comments, he had saved themoney.
And then he had some othercomment.
(26:07):
I could never actually rememberthe whole conversations word
for word because I think inremember in feelings and not in
exact words.
And it was a little bristly andso I turned on my heel and I
started to leave, to go out tothe podcast studio, and he was
like, don't leave.
And I said, no problem, I'mjust going back to work.
(26:28):
But what I was really doing wasI was withdrawing and I was
retreating because I was pissed.
And so then I went into thepodcast studio and I got my
journal out.
And this is where this processof getting off the emotional
battlefield.
There was a couple of thingsthat happened.
One was I didn't engage beyondthose couple few lines.
I did not fight, I did not gointo a whole monologue or tirade
(26:53):
about how he always and thenexpound on it.
I said something.
I caught myself trying tocontrol.
I think I said something, sothat I had a voice to be able to
say a truth for myself, but Ididn't go off on it more and
more and more, and then Iremembered the pause, the value
of the pause, and the pausegives space right.
(27:16):
Like so, we are in a situationlike this, whether it's a big
one or a small one, andeverybody starts flooding in
with all of their story and alltheir defense mechanisms and how
you know, how can you be likethis?
Why can't you see this?
But that's not what any of it'sreally about.
Rich has beliefs and patternsthat are habitual to him, and
(27:39):
one of his habitual things arethese remarks that he has
against Alex, are these remarksthat he has against Alex, and it
hurts me because I wish that hefelt differently about his son,
and the story that I tellmyself in my journaling that I
went and did the story tellmyself is that he doesn't care
(28:02):
about him as much as I do, or hedoesn't care about him as much
as he does Bodhi, or he can'tsee things him as much as he
does Bodhi, or he can't seethings.
He didn't say that Bodhi didn'thave the money for a ticket.
You know what I'm saying Like Ihad to go and look at it for
myself and I had to take thatpause so that I could process
what was really going on formyself.
And underneath and if you've hadcoaching with me or heard me
(28:25):
talk about this in otherpodcasts in our beliefs and our
stories and patterns, I feellike they're rocks.
Each person or situation is arock and on top of the rock is
all the places that we'redissatisfied or pissed or we
don't like it, and then all thecontrol that we're trying to do
right, I'm trying to say thenice thing or I want to make him
(28:47):
feel a different way, and howI'm manipulating that and if I'm
trying to make him be somethingelse or think something else.
But underneath the rock isreally where all of our power to
heal is, and to really look atwhat those beliefs are, to
recognize that underneath all ofthat is just sadness.
(29:08):
I'm just sad that there's stillthis part of our family and
it's going to make me cry thatstill has this layer of judgment
, and that I can't help butprotect it.
Protect it, and the truth is heis entitled to say whatever he
(29:33):
thinks, because he thinks thosethings, and I'm entitled to feel
how I feel.
But when we allow each personjust to be who they are in those
moments, understanding thateverybody's just showing up with
their own in those moments,understanding that everybody's
just showing up with their ownbaggage, with their own rocks,
with their own old beliefs theirown, whatever the wounding is,
(29:55):
whatever the expectations are,whatever the response is, then
we come off the battlefield andwe just see human beings doing
sometimes faulted interchanges,and I was able to release and
rewrite the story.
And when you rewrite a story,it's not just about saying I'm
(30:17):
not responsible for my familyand their happiness.
It's about truly stepping intothat, knowing that depth of
knowing that there's reasons whythose beliefs are so deep in
there and that it makes sensethat of course they are.
And then, to have as muchevidence of the truth I am not
(30:44):
responsible for anyone in myfamily, whether they are happy
or unhappy, or healthy orunhealthy.
They are managing their ownwell-being and I am responsible
for managing my own well-beingand I choose to be happy, I
choose to be whole.
I'm choosing this life.
That's important to me.
And then I found evidence ofthat and I reminded myself of
(31:14):
how far we had come and how thisis such a teeny, tiny little
prick compared to these huge,blown out, painful, dark,
complex, fighting, screaming, ohmy God, like the world that we
lived in before was just sohorrible.
Here we are in this one littlething, and I'm the one who's
still being affected.
I'm the one Because Rich cansay those things, but the story
(31:36):
I tell myself is that he doesn'tlove his son for some reason
because he's making a commentabout money.
The truth is, they're strugglingwith money.
It's a big deal for them.
I think everyone's entitled tohappiness.
So if they want to go to aconcert, sure, and really what
was underneath was the pushingof the button that I paid for it
.
If you look at the grand schemeof things, you know, when I do
(32:01):
help Alex out from here to timeto time, because he's helping
himself, maybe I did pay forthat by the time it's all said
and done, because he hadoverextended himself in these
places, but he's doing all thesethings and so then, this part
that I paid, maybe I did pay forthose tickets, but the way that
he said it hurt me from an oldwound, an old jumping on the
(32:24):
battlefield, and I'm alwaysencouraging you to do this
processing within yourself,because we can't process with
them the way that we want to,because everyone in general is
too caught up with their ownstory and their own wounding for
there to be deep healing.
(32:45):
People have got to be reallyfar ahead to be able to do that.
And here I am.
I work on this 24 hours a day.
And here I am.
I work on this 24 hours a day.
I sleep it, I feel it, I'mworking it.
I'm working it with you, andall it took was one teeny, tiny
(33:06):
comment, not to throw me into ahuge tailspin, but to like, oh,
like, I just got my.
I just got pricked a little bitright, but it gave me this
great opportunity to like,really continue to work on this
stuff that I don't want anymore.
We are in a time right nowwhere we're being invited to
truly see these old beliefs andto see how that hit me and it's
unnecessary all day, two days aweek.
(33:39):
Right, I would have had thisthing where I mulled over it,
where I ruminated on the stories, where I brought in all the
times that he had said this andthis, and that I would have
gathered up all the evidence ofthe old story that is not
beneficial in my life or ourlives anymore and I would have
brought that person back.
That was in my life 7, 10, 15years ago.
(34:00):
That was really hard and that'snot fair.
That's not fair Because he madesome off mark.
That's just him.
He's busy, he's in his worldright now.
He's got a lot going on.
He's not present.
He's not thinking about kindthings to say.
He's just in the world, justdoing his thing.
(34:24):
And when I could see that, allthe energy left it and I came
back to my knowing that thestory is not that my husband
doesn't love my son.
My story is actually my husbanddoes love my son.
He loves him so much that hewants him to do well.
He loves him so much that he'ssending him little tips from
(34:45):
Instagram of how to save hismoney and things that he could
do to build his side business.
He wants for him because heloves him.
He wants for him because heloves him.
Now, how we choose to see thatand how we interact with it is
our work to do in our ownlimiting beliefs.
So then we both had part of ourday and then we come back
(35:08):
together in the day and I askedhim something about his business
and he was, oh no, first of all.
He comes in and he's like areyou mad at me?
I said no, not at all.
He was so sheepish.
He was just like, oh, thankgoodness, he's like I really
don't want you to be mad at me.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to saysomething off cutting.
That wasn't my intention.
(35:29):
I said I know it wasn't, it'sokay.
I didn't also go into my wholeprocessing and explain to him
all the things I just explainedto you.
You know why?
Because they're mine, becauseit's mine.
I don't actually need to justifymy healing to him either, and
if there's a moment where thedoor opens, we're discussing
(35:51):
these processes and theseawarenesses that we have feels
connecting and like the rightthing to do and that it will be
helpful in some way share it.
Most of the time, though, theother person again is so in
their own defended self thatit's pretty hard for them to see
(36:11):
, and sometimes it might evenlean to the thing like well, I'm
glad you're figuring that out.
You know, you saw that and thatwas yours.
We don't need that either.
No, we don't.
This is really about takingjudgment out altogether, and
when you let go of judgment, youactually don't have to defend
or have judgment on yourself orlet somebody else judge your
(36:31):
process.
Just be the light, just stepinto your authentic self.
That's number seven to bealigned with the new self, to
open up to the new story, thenew belief, then, to live it and
be present in it.
So he said are you mad at me?
I said no, I smiled.
Actually, it is very importantto him to be greeted.
(36:53):
It's something that is just inhis world from his whole
lifetime.
When he comes in the door I'malways very conscious of being
like hi, honey, welcome home, or, in the morning, good morning.
That's important to him, and soI had done that.
When he came in, he said you madat me?
No, and then I asked him aboutone of his projects.
He's doing a remodel in mymom's house.
(37:14):
That was unexpected and so I'ma little more curious about it.
And he was reactive about mycuriosity and he said I just
wish you wouldn't.
And I said here's my requestand this is a word that I use a
lot request.
I have a request.
And he said what's that?
And I said I really am justcurious and just like how you
(37:39):
had your remark about Alex, andit just sort of comes out, and
it's the way that you say things.
I just ask you questions inthis way that I see pushes a
button for you, and my requestis that we can have more grace
with each other.
And he said I totally see whatyou're saying.
He said I'll work on that andthank you for working on that.
(38:00):
And you're into.
This is huge.
I mean, this teeny, tiny littlemoment is something that is
around us, healing and steppingmore fully into our authentic
selves instead of on thebattlefield.
And the truth was, there wasnever actually a battlefield.
We actually didn't go back ontothe battlefield.
(38:21):
It was like you picked up acouple of those old tools, those
old defensive mechanisms, andthen I looked at them and I was
like, nah, I don't really wantto go out there, I don't want to
be on the battlefield anymore.
So when we pause, when we're theones that are conscientious of
ourselves, it can affect change.
Now, the oh gosh, the thingthat we have to be cautious
(38:44):
about is that we're going towant to do this work so that
they will change, so that theywill be different, and that may
or may not happen, but you'llfeel different.
You'll not be totally spun outin all of your old beliefs and
patterns.
You'll show up and you'llrewrite your story and I'm
(39:06):
rewriting a story around ahero's journey that we've been
through and that the new storyis that we are, these four
adults in the family who loveeach other, who have the ability
to witness each other forexactly who they are.
We don't need to fix each other, that we can hold space for
each other, that we can chooseto pause, that we don't have to
(39:29):
over-process everything.
And the story that I'm tellingmyself is that I am working so
beautifully on my well-beingthat 99.9% of the time I'm great
, I'm really good.
God, that was not the case forso long.
(39:51):
Again, I say it's no wonderthat I fell into my own
addictions, because they were sotrying to cover the pain that I
feel in my heart, and those ofyou who have addicts in your
life, they're just trying tocover the pain in their heart
too.
So when we model being well,when we model being whole, we're
(40:16):
giving some ability for them tosee that there is a different
choice, although we cannot makeanybody else choose.
I felt so connected to Richafter that and that again we
used to do silent treatment, orat least I did silent treatment
for days, weeks, until it justsettled in my body to where I
(40:37):
just kind of we just wouldpretend like it was over, right,
we wouldn't even talk about itbecause it was so much, and
those moments just give me suchhope.
So, pausing, doing the workyourself, working that nine-step
soul recovery process, allowingit to give you the information
about your feelings, reallyattuning to who you are, how
(41:02):
you're showing up, what is itshowing you?
How can you look at what thestory that it wants to tell,
that old pain body story that itwants to tell?
How can you honor it?
Be kind to that part ofyourself, give yourself
compassion and then make a soliddecision to stand and be in the
wholeness and the healed partof yourself that you are In
(41:25):
these new patterns, these newstories, rewriting who you are
and living from that.
That's the power of change.
Until next time, namaste.
Thank you for listening and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
(41:47):
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers and not only do youget an incredible interview or
book study, that comes withbeing part of that community,
but your subscribing helpssupport this podcast and the
Recover your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(42:07):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the website recover yoursoulnet or check out the show
links below for coupons andinformation for upcoming events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
(42:27):
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
Soul recovery is about taking your
power back by being able to bein situations that used to be
what I call the emotionalbattlefield and making a
different choice to not bereactive, to use the pause, to
use the nine step soul recoveryprocess to allow yourself to
feel the feelings that you'refeeling in that moment, but not
fall into old patterns.
(00:21):
I use an example recently thatRich and I had of an interaction
about how I'm using the NineStep Soul Recovery process to
choose peace over reactivity.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
(00:42):
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
(01:04):
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast and community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
We've been talking a lot abouthow your thoughts and the words
(01:24):
that you use, choose the realityin which you live, in that
thoughts create things.
Thoughts create the life thatyou live, and so I wanted to
come and look at that from thisperspective.
That really allows us to seethat we can choose in each
moment how we're going to showup, that we can stop being
reactive and choose peaceinstead, and it's going to hit
(01:47):
on the soul recovery steps, andI'll explain those as we come
along.
What I love about the soulrecovery process is it's given
me tools in my own life to fullytransform and show up in a
totally different way, and ifyou've heard the stories of the
previous episodes and I knowmany of you I still love this.
Go back to the very beginning,which, oh my gosh, in 2020, when
(02:11):
I started this podcast, I wasan entirely different person and
my life was still really,really chaotic and complicated,
and I just share with you thisprocess of learning how to be in
my life in a different way, andyou've been along on this ride
with me, with my kids, when theywere still really struggling
(02:33):
and had just moved to Californiaand were young adults still,
goodness gracious, there wasstill a lot of stuff going on
with them.
Rich and I were not nearly atthe place where we are today and
there was a lot more strife,but I've been using this
nine-step soul recovery processEvery single day.
I still use it, and that's whatI want to talk to you about
(02:54):
today this idea that we arecoming off of what I call the
emotional battlefield, thisplace where we pit ourselves
against the other people in ourlives and quite often we pit
ourselves against the peoplethat we care about the most,
because there is a lot going onand still things continue to go
(03:16):
on.
So I'm going to tell somestories about that, but what I
want to really continue givingyou tools for is to be in your
life using the nine-step soulrecovery process, not just as
steps that you do one time, butthe way to handle and think
about and be in the midst of ahard conversation or one of
(03:36):
those triggering moments or whenit just feels like your life is
unmanageable.
These are the tools that youpick up to get off of that
emotional battlefield.
And what I think is so amazingand so great is that, although
there are still complexitiesthat come and challenges, rather
than difficulty right or thingsthat I'm struggling with, we're
(03:58):
moving our thoughts, we'reusing our words more
conscientiously and we're sayingI'm in the middle of a
challenge, or I had somethingthat I bumped up against, or I
was able to see something in adifferent way, or gosh, there's
still a story that I'm tellingmyself here.
Those are empowering ways totalk about how you're feeling,
because your feelings areeverything.
(04:18):
Your feelings are telling youvery specifically what's going
on within you.
But we've been pounding thosedown, pushing them aside,
neglecting our heart, not payingattention to what's really
going on with ourselves, beingcodependent, choosing somebody
else's life first, not payingattention to what we need, for
so long.
But this process is giving ustools and languaging and the
(04:43):
ability to understand and see.
There's nothing wrong with anyof that.
We just no longer want to livefrom those limiting old beliefs
and patterns that do not alignwith us, that do not allow us to
be our full self, and they keepus in this loop of pain and
suffering and frustration.
(05:04):
And we've realized this isactually step one.
We've realized we can dosomething about it.
We're ready for awakening,we're ready to heal ourselves,
we're ready to make a decision,to choose a different way for us
to be in the world.
Step two is we're powerless overeverybody else, powerless over
what anybody else chooses orsays, but we are ready to come
(05:33):
into our understanding of who weare.
And in step three we're lookingat what are these old limiting
beliefs, patterns and stories?
What do I actually thinkunderneath there and can I
actually see that?
It's not true, it's not truethat I have to take care of
everybody.
It's not true that something'swrong with me or that I'm
unlovable or unworthy thesereally limiting beliefs that are
in our unconscious andsubconscious.
We're bringing them up to thesurface so that we can begin to
(05:57):
make a change, to make adifferent decision of how we're
going to be in the world, torecognize that those beliefs
were made by younger selves.
And then step four we're movinginto co-creating with the higher
power of your understanding,really stepping into your
spiritual practice, learningwhat your intuition is, learning
the co-creation, being moreattuned to your feelings and how
(06:21):
that's relating to yourspiritual self and how you can
begin to feel held and resourcedand part of something even
greater.
And then we move to step five,which is letting go of those old
stories.
Letting go of the old stories,really recognizing that they
aren't true, that we don't haveto choose them, that just
(06:43):
because that was the way thatour body and our mind worked
with each other to protectourselves in the past, or the
stories that we had made up, orthe truths that we really
thought were true.
We see that they were limited,that they came from situations
that were painful, but we'reready to let them go.
Step six is actually lettingthem go, that we choose to
(07:08):
embrace these new beliefs, torewrite our story, to step into
the truth of who we are and tobegin to see how that has always
been who we are.
We begin to really recognizethat there's evidence of the
truth of who we are just as muchas there was evidence of our
shortcomings or the old beliefsand patterns and stories that we
(07:29):
thought were true.
We're moving into what is truefor us and really claiming that
and rewriting our entire story.
And then, in step seven, we'realigning with this new
perception.
We are seeing the world in acompletely different way.
Step eight we are continuing todeepen our spiritual practice.
(07:51):
We're really looking at how wecan be more attuned to these
incredibly wise and beautifuland, oh my gosh, we just have so
much ability to be present in away that allows us to see the
world and have this differentperception and to really lean
(08:12):
into our inner wisdom, our innerguidance, and to use that part
of ourselves, that intuitivepart of ourselves, to be present
in the world.
And then, step nine shine yourlight, go out into the world as
this fully embodied self and bepresent in your world in a way
that can be of service, that canbe helpful, that can be a
beacon of light to others.
(08:32):
Not trying to fix or change orcontrol anybody, but really just
being the wholeness of who youare.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on zoom, where we learn
(08:55):
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the nine
step soul recovery process, I'mhere for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own, with
individual modules intended tosupport you, to work at your own
pace and on your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
(09:19):
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find DailyInspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, what Iwanted to get to.
(09:41):
It's kind of funny that I wasguided to just to go through the
complexity, the stickiness oflife, to remind yourself of who
(10:08):
you are.
Just because you did it onetime certainly does not mean
that you are one and done.
That's not how that works.
It's not been how it works forme.
But I continue to deepen myprocess and each time I really
stay present in and I deepen myprocess when there's a new
opportunity to learn.
(10:28):
It isn't quite as dark and deepand painful in the way that it
used to be painful.
There might be intense feelings, but feelings aren't bad.
Our attachment to all of thestories that's the part that
really is the suffering that weexperience.
(10:50):
So when we get on the emotionalbattlefield with the ones that
we love, what we often do is wemove into these habitual old
patterns and it's really aprotective mechanism to try to
keep us safe, and isn't itinteresting that the safety that
we're often doing is actuallykeeping us separate from the
(11:11):
people that we want to have moreintimacy with, that we want to
have more connection with.
People aren't safe.
No one is there for me.
I'm not enough.
This isn't going to be what Iwanted it to be.
I'm whatever.
It is these really icky, yuckythings that our critic says to
(11:32):
ourself that are really justtrying to keep the world out so
that we can be safe.
When I think about the emotionalbattlefield that Rich and I
were in for so many years, therewas a lot of validity in why we
were battling so much and wedidn't have the tools at the
time to really understand how tocommunicate with each other.
(11:53):
We were both raised in divorcedhomes.
He was raised in a home thathad a lot of conflict, a lot of
yelling, a lot of not talkingabout feelings, a lot of kind of
shoving things aside, and I wasraised in a home with no
conflict whatsoever.
No raised voices.
But in my own way of seeing theworld, my way of keeping it all
(12:18):
together, was to never actuallyhave a voice.
Not that I was told not to, butI just decided on my own, that
was the safest thing to do.
And so when we had kids andthings get complicated as those
of you have kids know that theyget complicated and there's
really no way around it.
(12:38):
This is what it is to be ahuman being is that?
Now you have a little personwho has their own karma, their
own personality, their own wayof seeing the world.
Somebody I was talking torecently said that his wife was
frustrated at theirtwo-year-old's temper tantrums
and he said well, it's kind ofeasy.
(13:00):
If you think about it from atwo-year-old, it is literally
the worst thing that's everhappened to them that they know
of when they can't havesomething.
They are starting to see in theworld that they want something
and you're telling them no.
And, yes, they think that isthe most horrific thing that
could ever happen to them thatyou would say no at the grocery
store to something or a balloonor a toy.
(13:21):
And so when you look at it fromtheir perspective, yeah, that
was horrible, right.
And so now we're having allthis new spiritual parenting
style.
A friend of mine, she had apodcast called Heart to Heart
Parents and now she's calling itSpiritual Parent, which I think
is fabulous, because therereally is this whole new tune
(13:42):
into, because there really isthis whole new tune into
checking in with your kids onthis spiritual level where we're
not dismissing their feelingsbut we're not overdoing it.
We're trying to swing andbalance in a better way with our
kids now, which is great.
But when you think about howthose feelings that we had when
we were little were discountedand then when I was having kids,
(14:07):
I didn't know how to handletheir feelings and Rich had very
different ways of thinking howit was supposed to be for making
them behave in some particularway, and it was oil and water.
It just had totally differentflavors to it and so it was a
battle.
It was a battle and the otherthing that I realized in my life
(14:28):
that it took me a long time ofhealing and soul recovery work
and digging into what are mybeliefs, what are my stories,
where did they come from?
I recognize I didn't have twoparents.
My dad was around until I wasaround seven years old, but he
wasn't really around all thatmuch and he completely
acquiesced and was whatever mymom wanted.
(14:50):
So I only really had one parent.
So I never even saw two parentsmodel how to navigate between
whoever did whatever right.
It was just always.
Whatever my mom's rules were,those were the rules and there
was no sharing.
So I didn't know how to share.
I didn't know how to share.
As an only child, I didn't knowhow to share.
(15:11):
I didn't know how to share.
As a parent, I didn't know howto share right?
You start looking at these waysthat we're creating, these
battles that are really aroundprotection.
So Rich and I, as soon as Istarted to feel like he was
attacking my parenting style orI was witnessing some behaviors
(15:33):
and actions that I could seewere not the ones that I wanted
in my family, both fromalcoholism and how you get when
you're drinking Sometimes youget the nice one that's really
fun and wants to do all thethings and sometimes you get the
irritated one.
We had all that.
But then we also had the piecethat just said in his growing up
(15:53):
it was you do what we say andthat's how we, how it is.
And when I was growing up itwas this open conversation.
There was never any no's, whichis so strange to think about.
If my mom actually said no, shereally meant no, because most
of the time it could be an opendiscussion and because it was
this open discussion generally,I did what she wanted anyway and
(16:17):
so I liked that and that's whatI wanted.
So it created this emotionalbattlefield that we were on, and
so I just really want to givevoice to the fact that sometimes
it's pretty hard to not havethe emotional battlefield within
your family system, forwhatever reason, because
everybody's really still inthere defended.
(16:38):
This is what I need, what Iwant, this is how I think it
should be, and it takes a lot ofraised consciousness and
self-awareness and desire to seeit different and willingness to
take a look at yourself andreally a readiness to heal and
to do things differently on allparties sides for there to be
(16:59):
complete and whole healing.
But when you make a decision,when you decide that you are
going to step into this path ofsoul recovery, just one person
coming off of the battlefieldwill make massive changes in how
the system still continues torun and people will, through
(17:22):
osmosis, slowly stop defendingif there's nothing to defend.
If you put your tools down,your knives, your battle things
down, they're going to pushagainst nothing and eventually
it stops.
It takes a lot of energy onyour part, it is a lot of work,
(17:43):
but it's totally worth it.
What's been happening in my lifesince things have substantially
gotten more mellow around hereis multifaceted right.
The boys grew up.
Now they're 26 and 28 years old.
They live in California.
They're primarilyself-supporting through their
own contributions 99.9% with alittle help every once in a
(18:06):
while because they're helpingthemselves and they're doing
their own work.
They have seasons of sobrietyand not sobriety, but neither
one of them are in a time ofcrisis.
They're actually in really goodshape right now, which is a
gift all on its own.
Alex and his girlfriend have abeautiful baby who's four months
(18:27):
old, who is.
He is just sparkly and shinyand laughing and giggling, and
his girlfriend is just the mostextraordinary giving, loving mom
who is just doting on him andhe's thriving, which is
beautiful, and that part of mylife is in pretty good shape.
(18:47):
And then for Rich and I, ourlife is actually in pretty good
shape most of the time, and oneof the reasons why, in all
fairness and transparency, thatI think that it's going so well
most of the time is becausewe're both super busy In our
lives.
We still don't have a lot ofthings that we connect on that
(19:13):
we do the same Still to this day.
He really prefers athleticstuff.
I never have right.
I'll go watch him, I'll go dothings, but even then I'm less
likely to go to all of thembecause I have other things I'd
rather be doing.
I'd rather be working on thepodcast, or I'd rather be going
to a meditation group, or I'drather stay home and do
(19:34):
spiritual study.
Like, my brain is justdifferent and I'm immersed in
this spiritual world.
I live it, breathe it, eat it.
Everything that I'm doing.
Live it, breathe it, eat it,everything that I'm doing.
And it has just brought me somuch inner peace and there's so
much happening within me thatit's hard to even explain, but
(19:55):
it feels really good to me.
So when we do things together.
He now works a job where he'sgone from 12 hours a day Monday
through Thursday, and on atotally between you and me
secret not so much a secretbecause he knows it's true.
It's been actually good for me.
I miss him, which is lovely,but it's given me these four
(20:17):
blocks of days where I canreally be in my bubble and I see
clients and I work on thepodcast and I do meditation in
the morning and there's not thisenergy of him getting ready for
the day for construction and inand out of the house and
opening the garage door and thebig truck starting and even
workers coming in.
(20:38):
I mean all the stuff that usedto be on a daily.
And the only way that I couldreally go into my spiritual
space is to come out here to mypodcast studio.
And now I kind of have my houseand that feels really good.
And then when we are togetherwe are laughing and enjoying our
home and making jokes and wehave a couple of TV shows that
(21:00):
we like to watch together andit's pretty lighthearted.
We don't have a lot of reallydeep conversations, but when we
do move into that space there'smore and more capacity for it.
I mean much more than I giveRich credit, for he is doing a
great job and then he actuallyin his new world, unfortunately
(21:20):
still has jobs that he was doingbefore he started this new job
and so he's working literallyseven days a week, from morning
until dark, every single day,and he's doing a really good job
of holding it together most ofthe time.
So the other day, what I want toshare with you is the emotional
battlefield has really subsided.
(21:43):
There's no emotionalbattlefield 90% 95, I'm going to
say 95% of the time.
There is no emotionalbattlefield at all, and it used
to be 95% of the time we were inan emotional battlefield.
So for those of you who are init, there is a way out.
I just want to give you hope,and it may mean that your life
(22:06):
ends up not being with thepeople who are continuing to
battle and won't put down theirweapons.
That is something that we haveto look at.
We have to be honest about.
We're learning in soul recoveryto see our life as it is, and I
say on a regular basis, I'm sograteful that Rich and I have
done this work to save ourmarriage.
I am not married to the sameperson, like literally not
(22:28):
married to the same person who Ididn't enjoy and who I was in
battle with even seven years ago.
We are both completelydifferent people and the key for
us has been to step into thisnew phase in our life and this
new relationship with these newpeople, without dragging all of
(22:48):
the past with us as often as wecan, but it still comes up from
time to time.
So here's my little, and this isone of those stories.
It's like it's not even thatbig of a deal, but it just shows
you how quick those oldpatterns and those old you know
like oh, gritty, sticky thingscan come and that there is
(23:08):
another way to handle it.
So the other day I show Rich aInstagram post of Alex and his
girlfriend and Bodhi at aconcert, and they had bought
these tickets for this concertlike months ago or something.
And Rich did his habitual oldpattern step three discovering
our old patterns and hishabitual old pattern was to say
(23:32):
something snarky oh, if theydon't have any money, how could
they go to a concert?
And then he looked at me and hesaid you probably paid for it,
didn't you?
Oh, oh, ow, ouch, oh, man, thatburned.
And I watched myself go rightback into the battlefield.
I felt that just hot flash ofjust oh, like, just that thing
(23:59):
that happens right, and I feltdefensive.
But at the same time I wentinto that place where it was
like I didn't want to fight, butI felt like I had to defend.
And this is one of my oldpatterns, this is a pattern.
So we're looking at patterns insoul recovery too.
(24:21):
There's a belief that I havethat I need to protect my
children at all costs, at allcosts.
And it's my job to make sureeverybody's okay.
And I don't like anybody tofight and I don't like there to
be conflict and that I'm goingto justify, I'm going to defend,
I'm going to, I'm the warriorwho makes sure that everything's
(24:42):
good.
And so I was cautious not tohave a bitchy tone and come at
the way that I used to, whichwould have been to totally just
fight back and be pissed, andinstead I just said no, they
bought the tickets like three orfour months ago.
They've been saving up for it.
Because I'm controlling.
Can you feel how that's control?
(25:02):
I'm controlling, I'm trying tomake rich, not be mad If I say
to him oh, they saved the moneyfrom three months ago and this
was an.
I watched myself like trying tobe nice-y so that he would let
go of whatever that was.
This is step two.
We're powerless over whatsomebody thinks.
(25:23):
Powerless over what hisresponse is, over what somebody
thinks, powerless over what hisresponse is.
But what was underneath was somuch more and it's so
interesting how it was somethingso menial and small, but when I
went and journaled on it later,it had so much more information
.
So, okay, so we're back in thesituation with Rich.
So he kind of has this snarkyremark.
(25:45):
So he kind of has this snarkyremark.
And I definitely get bristlyand he can feel when I get
bristly and I think I saidsomething like I just wish that
your comments, he had saved themoney.
And then he had some othercomment.
(26:07):
I could never actually rememberthe whole conversations word
for word because I think inremember in feelings and not in
exact words.
And it was a little bristly andso I turned on my heel and I
started to leave, to go out tothe podcast studio, and he was
like, don't leave.
And I said, no problem, I'mjust going back to work.
(26:28):
But what I was really doing wasI was withdrawing and I was
retreating because I was pissed.
And so then I went into thepodcast studio and I got my
journal out.
And this is where this processof getting off the emotional
battlefield.
There was a couple of thingsthat happened.
One was I didn't engage beyondthose couple few lines.
I did not fight, I did not gointo a whole monologue or tirade
(26:53):
about how he always and thenexpound on it.
I said something.
I caught myself trying tocontrol.
I think I said something, sothat I had a voice to be able to
say a truth for myself, but Ididn't go off on it more and
more and more, and then Iremembered the pause, the value
of the pause, and the pausegives space right.
(27:16):
Like so, we are in a situationlike this, whether it's a big
one or a small one, andeverybody starts flooding in
with all of their story and alltheir defense mechanisms and how
you know, how can you be likethis?
Why can't you see this?
But that's not what any of it'sreally about.
Rich has beliefs and patternsthat are habitual to him, and
(27:39):
one of his habitual things arethese remarks that he has
against Alex, are these remarksthat he has against Alex, and it
hurts me because I wish that hefelt differently about his son,
and the story that I tellmyself in my journaling that I
went and did the story tellmyself is that he doesn't care
(28:02):
about him as much as I do, or hedoesn't care about him as much
as he does Bodhi, or he can'tsee things him as much as he
does Bodhi, or he can't seethings.
He didn't say that Bodhi didn'thave the money for a ticket.
You know what I'm saying Like Ihad to go and look at it for
myself and I had to take thatpause so that I could process
what was really going on formyself.
And underneath and if you've hadcoaching with me or heard me
(28:25):
talk about this in otherpodcasts in our beliefs and our
stories and patterns, I feellike they're rocks.
Each person or situation is arock and on top of the rock is
all the places that we'redissatisfied or pissed or we
don't like it, and then all thecontrol that we're trying to do
right, I'm trying to say thenice thing or I want to make him
(28:47):
feel a different way, and howI'm manipulating that and if I'm
trying to make him be somethingelse or think something else.
But underneath the rock isreally where all of our power to
heal is, and to really look atwhat those beliefs are, to
recognize that underneath all ofthat is just sadness.
(29:08):
I'm just sad that there's stillthis part of our family and
it's going to make me cry thatstill has this layer of judgment
, and that I can't help butprotect it.
Protect it, and the truth is heis entitled to say whatever he
(29:33):
thinks, because he thinks thosethings, and I'm entitled to feel
how I feel.
But when we allow each personjust to be who they are in those
moments, understanding thateverybody's just showing up with
their own in those moments,understanding that everybody's
just showing up with their ownbaggage, with their own rocks,
with their own old beliefs theirown, whatever the wounding is,
(29:55):
whatever the expectations are,whatever the response is, then
we come off the battlefield andwe just see human beings doing
sometimes faulted interchanges,and I was able to release and
rewrite the story.
And when you rewrite a story,it's not just about saying I'm
(30:17):
not responsible for my familyand their happiness.
It's about truly stepping intothat, knowing that depth of
knowing that there's reasons whythose beliefs are so deep in
there and that it makes sensethat of course they are.
And then, to have as muchevidence of the truth I am not
(30:44):
responsible for anyone in myfamily, whether they are happy
or unhappy, or healthy orunhealthy.
They are managing their ownwell-being and I am responsible
for managing my own well-beingand I choose to be happy, I
choose to be whole.
I'm choosing this life.
That's important to me.
And then I found evidence ofthat and I reminded myself of
(31:14):
how far we had come and how thisis such a teeny, tiny little
prick compared to these huge,blown out, painful, dark,
complex, fighting, screaming, ohmy God, like the world that we
lived in before was just sohorrible.
Here we are in this one littlething, and I'm the one who's
still being affected.
I'm the one Because Rich cansay those things, but the story
(31:36):
I tell myself is that he doesn'tlove his son for some reason
because he's making a commentabout money.
The truth is, they're strugglingwith money.
It's a big deal for them.
I think everyone's entitled tohappiness.
So if they want to go to aconcert, sure, and really what
was underneath was the pushingof the button that I paid for it
.
If you look at the grand schemeof things, you know, when I do
(32:01):
help Alex out from here to timeto time, because he's helping
himself, maybe I did pay forthat by the time it's all said
and done, because he hadoverextended himself in these
places, but he's doing all thesethings and so then, this part
that I paid, maybe I did pay forthose tickets, but the way that
he said it hurt me from an oldwound, an old jumping on the
(32:24):
battlefield, and I'm alwaysencouraging you to do this
processing within yourself,because we can't process with
them the way that we want to,because everyone in general is
too caught up with their ownstory and their own wounding for
there to be deep healing.
(32:45):
People have got to be reallyfar ahead to be able to do that.
And here I am.
I work on this 24 hours a day.
And here I am.
I work on this 24 hours a day.
I sleep it, I feel it, I'mworking it.
I'm working it with you, andall it took was one teeny, tiny
(33:06):
comment, not to throw me into ahuge tailspin, but to like, oh,
like, I just got my.
I just got pricked a little bitright, but it gave me this
great opportunity to like,really continue to work on this
stuff that I don't want anymore.
We are in a time right nowwhere we're being invited to
truly see these old beliefs andto see how that hit me and it's
unnecessary all day, two days aweek.
(33:39):
Right, I would have had thisthing where I mulled over it,
where I ruminated on the stories, where I brought in all the
times that he had said this andthis, and that I would have
gathered up all the evidence ofthe old story that is not
beneficial in my life or ourlives anymore and I would have
brought that person back.
That was in my life 7, 10, 15years ago.
(34:00):
That was really hard and that'snot fair.
That's not fair Because he madesome off mark.
That's just him.
He's busy, he's in his worldright now.
He's got a lot going on.
He's not present.
He's not thinking about kindthings to say.
He's just in the world, justdoing his thing.
(34:24):
And when I could see that, allthe energy left it and I came
back to my knowing that thestory is not that my husband
doesn't love my son.
My story is actually my husbanddoes love my son.
He loves him so much that hewants him to do well.
He loves him so much that he'ssending him little tips from
(34:45):
Instagram of how to save hismoney and things that he could
do to build his side business.
He wants for him because heloves him.
He wants for him because heloves him.
Now, how we choose to see thatand how we interact with it is
our work to do in our ownlimiting beliefs.
So then we both had part of ourday and then we come back
(35:08):
together in the day and I askedhim something about his business
and he was, oh no, first of all.
He comes in and he's like areyou mad at me?
I said no, not at all.
He was so sheepish.
He was just like, oh, thankgoodness, he's like I really
don't want you to be mad at me.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to saysomething off cutting.
That wasn't my intention.
(35:29):
I said I know it wasn't, it'sokay.
I didn't also go into my wholeprocessing and explain to him
all the things I just explainedto you.
You know why?
Because they're mine, becauseit's mine.
I don't actually need to justifymy healing to him either, and
if there's a moment where thedoor opens, we're discussing
(35:51):
these processes and theseawarenesses that we have feels
connecting and like the rightthing to do and that it will be
helpful in some way share it.
Most of the time, though, theother person again is so in
their own defended self thatit's pretty hard for them to see
(36:11):
, and sometimes it might evenlean to the thing like well, I'm
glad you're figuring that out.
You know, you saw that and thatwas yours.
We don't need that either.
No, we don't.
This is really about takingjudgment out altogether, and
when you let go of judgment, youactually don't have to defend
or have judgment on yourself orlet somebody else judge your
(36:31):
process.
Just be the light, just stepinto your authentic self.
That's number seven to bealigned with the new self, to
open up to the new story, thenew belief, then, to live it and
be present in it.
So he said are you mad at me?
I said no, I smiled.
Actually, it is very importantto him to be greeted.
(36:53):
It's something that is just inhis world from his whole
lifetime.
When he comes in the door I'malways very conscious of being
like hi, honey, welcome home, or, in the morning, good morning.
That's important to him, and soI had done that.
When he came in, he said you madat me?
No, and then I asked him aboutone of his projects.
He's doing a remodel in mymom's house.
(37:14):
That was unexpected and so I'ma little more curious about it.
And he was reactive about mycuriosity and he said I just
wish you wouldn't.
And I said here's my requestand this is a word that I use a
lot request.
I have a request.
And he said what's that?
And I said I really am justcurious and just like how you
(37:39):
had your remark about Alex, andit just sort of comes out, and
it's the way that you say things.
I just ask you questions inthis way that I see pushes a
button for you, and my requestis that we can have more grace
with each other.
And he said I totally see whatyou're saying.
He said I'll work on that andthank you for working on that.
(38:00):
And you're into.
This is huge.
I mean, this teeny, tiny littlemoment is something that is
around us, healing and steppingmore fully into our authentic
selves instead of on thebattlefield.
And the truth was, there wasnever actually a battlefield.
We actually didn't go back ontothe battlefield.
(38:21):
It was like you picked up acouple of those old tools, those
old defensive mechanisms, andthen I looked at them and I was
like, nah, I don't really wantto go out there, I don't want to
be on the battlefield anymore.
So when we pause, when we're theones that are conscientious of
ourselves, it can affect change.
Now, the oh gosh, the thingthat we have to be cautious
(38:44):
about is that we're going towant to do this work so that
they will change, so that theywill be different, and that may
or may not happen, but you'llfeel different.
You'll not be totally spun outin all of your old beliefs and
patterns.
You'll show up and you'llrewrite your story and I'm
(39:06):
rewriting a story around ahero's journey that we've been
through and that the new storyis that we are, these four
adults in the family who loveeach other, who have the ability
to witness each other forexactly who they are.
We don't need to fix each other, that we can hold space for
each other, that we can chooseto pause, that we don't have to
(39:29):
over-process everything.
And the story that I'm tellingmyself is that I am working so
beautifully on my well-beingthat 99.9% of the time I'm great
, I'm really good.
God, that was not the case forso long.
(39:51):
Again, I say it's no wonderthat I fell into my own
addictions, because they were sotrying to cover the pain that I
feel in my heart, and those ofyou who have addicts in your
life, they're just trying tocover the pain in their heart
too.
So when we model being well,when we model being whole, we're
(40:16):
giving some ability for them tosee that there is a different
choice, although we cannot makeanybody else choose.
I felt so connected to Richafter that and that again we
used to do silent treatment, orat least I did silent treatment
for days, weeks, until it justsettled in my body to where I
(40:37):
just kind of we just wouldpretend like it was over, right,
we wouldn't even talk about itbecause it was so much, and
those moments just give me suchhope.
So, pausing, doing the workyourself, working that nine-step
soul recovery process, allowingit to give you the information
about your feelings, reallyattuning to who you are, how
(41:02):
you're showing up, what is itshowing you?
How can you look at what thestory that it wants to tell,
that old pain body story that itwants to tell?
How can you honor it?
Be kind to that part ofyourself, give yourself
compassion and then make a soliddecision to stand and be in the
wholeness and the healed partof yourself that you are In
(41:25):
these new patterns, these newstories, rewriting who you are
and living from that.
That's the power of change.
Until next time, namaste.
Thank you for listening and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
(41:47):
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers and not only do youget an incredible interview or
book study, that comes withbeing part of that community,
but your subscribing helpssupport this podcast and the
Recover your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(42:07):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the website recover yoursoulnet or check out the show
links below for coupons andinformation for upcoming events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
(42:27):
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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