August 25, 2025 • 34 mins
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In this episode of the Recover Your Soul Podcast, we explore one of the most important and tender parts of the Soul Recovery journey—making peace with painful memories. When we hold on to resentment, we keep ourselves tied to the very moments that wounded us, replaying them again and again in our minds and bodies. True freedom comes not from erasing the past or pretending it didn’t happen, but from meeting those memories with compassion, grace, and forgiveness—first for ourselves, and then, when we’re ready, for others.
As I continue to work on my own memoir, I’ve been revisiting some of the most difficult years of my life, and it has reminded me that every story, even the painful ones, can be seen through a new lens when we invite in spiritual awakening and Soul Recovery. This is not about minimizing the harm or excusing others—it’s about choosing to release the grip of resentment so we can live fully in the present, whole and authentic. Join me as we talk honestly about how to move from grievance to peace, and how the 9-Step Soul Recovery Process offers a path to let go of what was and step into the freedom of who you truly are.
I mention Mattie who is helping me in writing this book as a collaborator. Visit her website if you are ready to write your book too!!!
The Soul Recovery FREE Zoom Support Group will meet on September 8th due to Labor Day, and there is still time to register for the upcoming in-person retreat in Asheville NC September 13-14th. Visit the website to learn more and register!
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul www.recoveryoursoul.net
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
Finding inner peace and freedom means
that we have to make peace withour past, regardless of how
painful and difficult thosememories and experiences were.
It's not about sweeping themunder the rug and pretending
that they didn't happen.
It's about processing them inhealthy ways that allow you to
understand more about yourself,to have compassion and grace and
(00:22):
forgiveness around thoseexperiences, mostly for you and
then potentially for the peoplearound you, so that you can be
present right here, right now,in this moment, in your full,
authentic self, letting go ofgrievance and resentment, being
present in your wholeness today.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
(00:47):
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
(01:08):
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow and our lives will
(01:30):
follow.
Welcome to the Recovery Soulpodcast and community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with me here today.
I hope that this is somethingthat helps you remember your
wholeness.
I hope that these podcasts andthis community is reminding you
of the incredible beauty thatyou are and how complex it is in
this world, but that you have achoice, that you can make a
(01:51):
decision to step into your ownsoul recovery.
You can make a decision tofollow a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
And today I want to talk aboutmaking peace with the past.
And I want to talk about thisbecause it has been such a
profound part of my spiritualjourney and as I continue to
(02:12):
move into a new way of being,I've had to learn how to make
peace with the past.
I've learned how to step awayfrom what was an incredibly
painful and difficult 15, almost20 years of marriage, of
raising kids, and for many ofyou, I know that you're in it
(02:32):
right now.
I know that you're in thetrenches right now and this is
what I hope that this podcastand community offers you a
beacon of hope and light to seeat the end of the tunnel, to
remember that you are okay, itis going to be okay, you can
make it, you can remember andstep into your higher self, you
(02:55):
can allow what is happening.
You can allow what is happeningfrom a place of loving
detachment, from a place of yourwholeness, from a place of
allowing other people to be ontheir own journey, to remember
that you're here for your soul'sspiritual journey.
And the more that we do thiswork, the more that our eyes
(03:18):
open and our perception changesand we begin to see from this
new lens that steps away fromall the controlling, all the
fixing, all the trying to makeit better, all the codependent
behaviors, maybe our ownaddiction, our fears, our very
legitimate fears transformationand the feelings that we feel we
(03:43):
often don't give ourselves theability to feel.
We push them down, we try tomake it better, we try to fix it
, we try to have a solution, wego into the solution, which is
often about trying to make otherpeople be or act a different
way.
And what we're learning in soulrecovery is we're coming back
to our own soul, to our ownpurpose, to our own true nature.
(04:04):
And this making peace with thepast is really important because
when you have had a difficultpast which I don't know anybody
who hasn't had some level ofdifficult past we can get caught
up in looping and being presentin those memories and those
(04:24):
experiences as I often talkabout in soul recovery and from
a soul's journey.
From a soul's journey are partof the reason why we're here to
have these complicated, stickyexperiences.
And when you're in the middleof it, you don't remember that,
you don't think to yourself ohgood, I get a challenge.
My husband's going to reallyirk me today and make me feel
(04:45):
belittled and small.
Or, yay, my kids are fallingapart and falling apart in
addiction and not making goodchoices.
Oh good, I get to step moreinto my wholeness and my
fullness.
No, of course that's not howyou feel.
You want to jump into action,you want to jump into solution.
You want to jump into the partsof yourself that say, ah,
here's how we're going to fix it, here's how we're going to make
(05:06):
it better.
And my hope is that, as you'vedone this soul recovery work
with me, you're reminded to turnthe attention to yourself,
(05:30):
people around us, so deeply, sofully, with so much compassion
that they are able to havewhatever their experience is,
and to be witnessed and stillseen as whole through the midst
of their choices.
Can we do that?
Can we allow them to be fullywho they are and accept who they
are you know always have tolike it but to begin to allow
(05:51):
them to have their experienceswithout the resistance.
One of the reasons why this isup for me is because I'm
continuing to work on my memoir,which is taking many twists and
turns.
I'm working with the amazingMaddie, who is somebody who's
worked some of this processherself and offered to help me
(06:11):
with the book, and it really hasbeen this profound experience
on all levels for both of usreally to allow it to be what is
to be shared, to really bepresent with the experience and
this isn't a memoir as if I'mtelling my story and I want
(06:32):
everybody to really revel in mystory.
It's really our story.
It's our story.
We all have been through somuch and, as you've shared with
me in your feedback about thispodcast, my willingness to talk
about my life, my husband, mykids, my experiences, my beliefs
and everything that came upfrom my childhood gives you ways
(06:56):
to look at your own life, andso this book is something that I
really want to be as raw andgritty that you can reflect and
see the grittiness that I've hadin my life and, at the same
time, be in inspired hope,reminded that you can make it
through, that you can do this,that there is indeed a process
(07:18):
that you can walk through, toremember your wholeness, to let
it all go.
But it's also meant that I haveto go back, as I've mentioned in
other podcasts, and revisit alot of the memories and the
feelings that I had tucked awayand have had to tuck away and
stand in this new presence ofwho I am today, to be able to
(07:38):
maintain my marriage with Rich,who was indeed really painful
and difficult for a long, long,long time.
And I was reminded of this asI've gone back and reread my
journals and done recordings ofthem so we have transcripts for
the book and what it reminded meof.
And what I really wanted totalk about is there is this
(08:00):
propensity for us to rehash andrelive the story, the painful
stories.
I think it's very interestinghow easy it is to go back and
really want to rehash and relivethose painful stories instead
of seeing that that's part ofour perceptions, our beliefs,
(08:21):
the parts of us that thoughtthat was the only way to show up
or was on top of the rock, as Idescribed in step two, letting
go of control that generally,we're on top of this situation.
We're trying to fix it, we'retrying to change it, we want it
to be different.
We're in our suffering andunderneath is actually all of
our soul's experience and oursoul's journey and our soul's
(08:44):
journey and our soul'sexploration and our remembering
and our ability to have theseprofound experiences, as painful
as they may be.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
(09:07):
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own, with
individual modules intended tosupport you to work at your own
pace and on your own, withindividual modules intended to
support you to work at your ownpace and on your own time.
(09:27):
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find DailyInspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
(09:47):
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, and when Ilook at our life now and I go
back and I read through thosejournals, if you've listened to
this podcast at all, you knowhow incredibly painful and
(10:08):
difficult it was.
Basically, starting from thetime that I was pregnant with
Bodhi, rich started a project upin the mountains building a
cabin for my mom actually doinghis life dream mom actually
(10:28):
doing his life dream and in thatpart he stepped into his
alcoholism in an incredibly deepand profound and difficult and
painful way.
And here I was with these twosmall babies, raising them
basically by myself, because hewas working during the week and
would come home on weekends,exhausted, hungover,
disconnected, and it changed thetimeline and the trajectory of
(10:48):
our what seemed like perfect,beautiful, loving relationship.
And when I read back over thosejournals, there is so much
sadness, so much loneliness, somuch confusion, and rightfully,
so right.
So when you look at theseemotions that you're having,
those emotions are sayingthere's something not aligned
(11:09):
here, there's something doesn'tfeel right here.
But instead of having tools tobe able to know how to handle
those feelings, of course Idon't know how to handle those
feelings.
I'm like in my 20s, I'm justfiguring my stuff out.
And so I went into completeoverdrive and used all of
whatever tools I had at thatyoung age to try to make it be
(11:31):
different, to try to fix it, totry to change it and mostly just
to be sad about it.
And in the sadness I covered myheart and I began to have
resentment towards Rich and hebegan to come back.
We have talked about this quitea bit, actually, rich and I.
He came back with whatevertools he had.
He came from a very difficult,alcoholic, angry home, violence
(11:57):
maybe not in the way that someother people experience,
violence, but that kind whereyou don't want to poke the bear.
And in that those were hisunconscious, subconscious,
reactive ways of being.
But underneath was this reallytender, sweet soul who wanted to
(12:18):
support his family.
Well, when I read the journals,it's interesting to really see
how and this is what I reallywant to describe in the book and
I hope that I can eventually doit we're resetting again to.
It's got to be just right.
It's got to really share thispart.
There's two parts of us.
(12:38):
There's always two parts of us.
There's our higher self, oursoul.
That is always whole, alwaysawakened, always present with
spirit.
It is unfaulted, it is pure, itis light.
It is this energy that isglorious and divine and
beautiful and that essence comeshere into this body to have an
(13:01):
experience, to be fully immersed, to forget as soon as you come
in that beautiful essence of whoyou are for the most part and
to step fully into this wildride of humanity experience.
Very complicated, very sticky,very full of all kinds of stuff
(13:22):
that happens from how our brainswork.
We step into a conscious brainthat has a system that has been
slowly, slowly, slowlydeveloping over time.
And so when you're in thatworld of the forgetting the
asleepness, world of theforgetting the asleepness,
(13:47):
that's when we get all caught upin the perception and the
reality in which we choose, andit becomes very complicated
because we're trying to controlwhat's uncontrollable.
Step two in soul recovery we'repowerless over every single
thing outside of ourself.
So if you look at my photoalbums, you see a life that was
beautiful.
You see two people that lovedeach other very much and we
(14:09):
absolutely did, and you see uswith drinks in our hands having
a great time, and you see ustaking the kids to skate parks
and on trips and all the thingsthat we absolutely did that were
really fun.
Things that we absolutely didthat were really fun, beautiful
birthdays and Christmases.
You know, for the most part,there's always this joy that's
intermixed with the complexityof being a human being, and then
(14:30):
there's the part of us that isunderneath, not knowing how to
process or feel the feelingsthat we feel, and experiencing
very tumultuous, difficultsituations huge fights, violence
, upset, grievance, resentment.
I was thinking about howincredibly difficult it was in
(14:51):
the years when Alex was reallystruggling and he started having
a hard time in middle school,and the reason why he was having
a hard time was multifaceted.
Right, he's got his own karma,he has his own situation, he has
his own belief systems abouthimself.
He struggled with Rich and howRich responded to him and that
(15:11):
affected his psyche and his soulin the way that it was.
That's their soul contract.
And then, in addition to that,he is a super sensitive and so
he took on the energy of aslightly dysfunctional, or most
lot dysfunctional, alcoholichome and it came out in ways
(15:32):
that were difficult for us, andso then we put all our energy
into him as if he was theproblem.
We defined him as the problem.
We called him.
The problem was the problem.
We defined him as the problem,we called him the problem.
And so in middle school hestarted finding ways to be able
to act out the feelings that hewas feeling, and by the time he
got into early high school wewere in blown out, full on
(15:55):
crisis mode with drugs, withskipping school.
He had to go to truancy court.
Eventually it was truancy, itwas going to be detention for
him or he had to go to rehab.
And we sent him to residentialrehab for five months and we
thought that that would fix him.
(16:15):
But it didn't because we werestill a system that was broken,
and so when he came out of that,it just got worse for him and
then he got in legal trouble.
And I read the journals aboutthose times and how much in
conflict Rich and I were abouthow we were handling it, what we
thought about it we separatedfor a year during that time and
(16:39):
everything that I think aboutduring those times had so much
complexity and so much pain andwhat I watched in myself as I
reflected on my journals and howI felt was this constant desire
for me just to make it betterfor everybody.
And of course I do desire forme just to make it better for
(17:03):
everybody.
And of course I do, because Ilove everybody and I just, I
just want us to be happy.
But in the midst of it I waslosing myself.
Over and over and over.
I'm writing in those journalsabout how I'm losing who I am.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know how to allowmyself to be loved.
I don't know how to love.
I don't know how I failed somuch.
I wrote over and over aboutfailure.
(17:23):
How did I mess this up?
And then you see that there's abelief in there that it was my
job to make sure everyone wasokay and as I went through my
soul recovery process so gentlyand kindly and interestingly
over the last seven and a halfyears, those painful memories
(17:45):
have been able to loosen theirgrip.
And this is the part aboutmaking peace with the past is
it's about not trying to thinkthat I wish I could go back and
make it different, those journalentries where I'm saying I just
wish I could do a do-over.
Those journal entries where I'msaying I just wish I could do a
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do-over make so much sense,right?
Because there's a lot oftimeline switches and changes
and crossroads that we hit inthose moments when we're making
those decisions.
But when you step intospirituality, you remember and
you begin to understand thatthere are no wrong turns.
Spirituality, you remember andyou begin to understand that
there are no wrong turns andthat each turn that you make,
you get more and more alignedwith who you are to be able to
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make the choices at each one ofthose turns, each one of those
crossroads, each time when thosedoors open, to be more clear
about who you are and what youwant in your life, and you
become better and better atallowing, accepting, loving,
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unconditionally, lovingly,detaching from the other people
in your life and seeing themmore clearly for who they are as
souls and potentially, whattheir experience is and how it
needs to be.
Because the more that we've gotour fingers or attempt of
fingers to have in everybodyelse's business to make it
better for everybody else, themore that we're entangled in
whatever their choices are.
We're powerless over theirchoices.
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And it doesn't mean that wedon't have opinion.
It doesn't mean that we don'tshow up.
It doesn't mean that we don'tcare.
It doesn't mean that we don'tlove.
We just stop holding on soincredibly tightly to yeah, but
if they would just yeah, yeah,that that's true and turn the
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attention back to yourself.
So reading over the journals hasbeen very interesting and
working on this memoir has beeninteresting because it is this
essential element of who I amand where I've gotten to where I
am today.
I can see more clearly, and youknow that I'm in the super woo
(19:56):
of the spirituality.
I don't even begin to talkabout where I've gone into the
spiritual journey, but it is sopeaceful there and it's the
reminder that every moment weare choosing to be separate from
the knowing that we are divinebeings of source energy, we are
the creation of source and lovein the universe itself.
(20:18):
Having the opportunity to havethese pretty difficult and
sometimes painful experiencesfor the potential of our own
awakening, and when we rememberthe true nature of who we are,
we can look back on thoseexperiences with compassion and
(20:41):
deep forgiveness.
Not the forgiveness likesomething happened to me that is
wrong and you were at fault,but forgiveness for the pain
that we were all in and the lackof tools that we had and the
way that we dealt with it.
That wasn't ideal.
That kind of forgiveness opensup a level of compassion and
(21:03):
grace for everyone involved.
And you know that I'm stillwith Rich.
So, 33 years in, and when I goback and I read that really
difficult truth of how hardthose years were and again, I'm
(21:23):
never saying that someone shouldstay in their relationship or
leave their relationship I thinkit's really really important
that you are making thosedecisions for yourself, because
I am here in this relationship.
But I can also see that therewould have been an entirely
different timeline andtrajectory for me had I made a
(21:45):
different choice when Rich and Iseparated to not come back, and
both of them have value.
This is just the one that Iended up choosing, and the
reason why it continues to bethe choice that I'm grateful
that I made is because we areboth doing the work.
Does his work look like mine?
No, but he is indeed doing hisown work, these experiences than
(22:18):
we ever could have before,because we've let go of that
woundedness, that attack thatyou're the one who did this to
me.
This was the fault, this iswhat you did versus.
This is how I felt, this is howI perceived it.
And recently, when I was talkingto Rich about reading over the
journals as I was recording themand and it made me cry, and he
(22:42):
said I never really saw howpainful it was for you and I'm
sorry.
And I said, well, I neverreally gave you credit for how
hard you were working for ourfamily and how hard it was to
not be seen for that, and I'msorry.
Those allowances for us to beseen and witnessed from this
(23:03):
place of compassion and to havethose kinds of conversations are
so healing.
Right, because there's thisneed and want for us to justify
our side.
But when we quit doing that,there is this release of the
past.
And the more and more and moreI do this work, the more that
it's as if I'm picking up a bookthat I'm reading but it doesn't
(23:26):
necessarily feel like it's mine.
I can feel the intensity of it,but there's no point in
continuing to rehash thosestories and say my son was like
this and my husband was likethis and our life was like that.
That becomes a habit of talkingabout what you don't like and in
(23:50):
the woo-woo of the universe youare attracting that energy.
You are continuing to bringthat energy to yourself.
Your life is what you think andfeel and believe that it is.
It is absolutely the energythat you feel on the inside that
reflects the life that you haveon the outside.
(24:10):
So, as I turn to this new placethat says I am going to witness
a life that is love andconnection and a healthy
marriage and appreciation, thatis what I'm going to receive.
Not that I'm controlling him,not that I'm controlling my kids
(24:30):
.
I cannot visualize enough to bein charge of their experience.
I can allow and release and letgo and be present in it for
what it is to me and have moreclarity about how it feels to me
.
And I've said over and, over andover again, and I'll say it
again.
Rich has asked you know, canyou basically promise that
(24:53):
you'll, that we'll be togetherforever?
And my answer is always no.
I can't make that promise.
That's not integrative, that'snot genuine, that's not
authentic.
What I can say is I want to.
I am 100% in today and I wantto be present with him and with
my children in the human beingsthat they are today.
(25:14):
I mean the same thing If I lookback at Alex and who he was,
and I read how manipulative andangry and I read violent
episodes where he wasthreatening to kill himself,
threatening to hurt other people.
We had to call the police.
I mean, we went through so muchstuff and if I get on the phone
(25:35):
with him right now and that'swho I'm talking to I'm not going
to see this beautiful young manwith his new family who's
making every effort to alsorelease the past, to let go of
those parts of himself that hehas shame and guilt and sadness
over that he's healing.
(25:56):
I want to encourage his healing.
And when I allow Rich to be theperson that he is working so
hard to be today, then that'swho I'm interacting with.
Because all you have is thisvery second right here, right
now.
And when I go back and look atmyself an alcoholic, a control
(26:16):
addict, a nag, a way control youthink that you're trying to be
helpful.
You think you're trying to behelpful by saying here's what
you should do.
We've got to take care of this.
This has to be different.
Why don't you do this?
That is not beneficial toanybody, because you're
diminishing the power thatpeople have in their own life
(26:38):
and then you're ultimatelygiving your power away by saying
I need you to be okay, for meto be okay.
But in the end what we'rereally saying in all those
situations is, as you're hurting, you show up in a way that is
painful to me.
But when you do your work onyourself, you recognize no one
(26:59):
can make you feel any way.
No one can make you do or feelin any way.
The more sovereign you are inyour own well-being, the more
you work on your soul recoveryprocess.
The more you work on your soulrecovery process, the more you
understand your subconscious andwhat are your beliefs and what
(27:20):
are your stories, what are yourpatterns, what are your reactive
mechanisms.
And you begin to heal them.
You can begin to rewrite them.
You begin to change yourmindset.
You begin to turn over to thatconnection with the higher power
of your understanding andseeing your wholeness being in
your sovereign, most beautiful,light centered self that can see
(27:44):
the perception that everythingactually is okay, even when it
doesn't feel or look okay.
It's part of that person'sprocess.
It shifts and changeseverything.
And then I see that incrediblejourney that we all went through
and how every single one of usis on the other side to some
(28:06):
extent right now, every singleone of us and my kids are on the
other side.
Way sooner than I was, I didn'tget sober till I was 48 years
old.
They're 26 and 28.
They're already ahead of thetrajectory in which I was.
But what if we can make peacewith the past?
That doesn't involve the otherpeople having to also make peace
(28:30):
with the past, or that theyhave to be a certain way for it
to be okay.
Now it really is this releasingand letting go of everybody's
situation, everybody's story,everybody's location.
We can't make anybody else heal, but we can stand more fully in
our awakened state, in ourwholeness, and reflect light and
(29:00):
let go of the past.
The Course in Miracles says theonly thing that's real is love.
When we are in pain, that isn'tlove.
That's all of our perceptions,it's all of our fear.
So it doesn't dismiss ordiminish that those experiences
happened or happen or arehappening right now.
But we have this choice that wecan make at every moment to see
(29:24):
it from our higher self, torelease the pain, to let go of
the story, to not be the victim.
This is a slow and steadyprocess, and I was going to read
for you, as just to close oneof my journal entries from 2012.
So this is over 10 years agoand it was just prior to the
(29:49):
separation that Rich and I hadfor a year, 6-18-2012.
Years of marriage.
Yesterday and again it'sanother year, with struggle
surrounding the day.
I know this is not easy andthere are wonderful moments and
great things about rich.
However, we're just differentand those differences are
getting more and more pronounced.
(30:10):
I look back over the years andthere's ongoing sadness.
Can we overcome it?
Can I overcome it?
I just want to run.
I know I do that so often, butat this point it's all that's on
my mind.
That was just prior to myfinally making the decision to
give a break in my relationship,which ended up being a year A
(30:34):
year of trying to work it outwhere we I asked for a divorce
and then, in the midst of that,decided to give it another
chance.
There are no wrong turns and ourhistory has such value in us
learning more about ourselves,but we don't have to carry it
forward with this incredibledepth of wound and suffering and
(30:56):
pain.
That is a choice that we make,but those feelings that you feel
in the midst of the experiencesare part of your soul's journey
and experience and they areimportant.
And the more you actually justtouch in on the feelings and ask
yourself and your higher selfand spirit to help you process
and understand and learn andheal from whatever the pains and
(31:19):
the sufferings are, the moreopportunity you have to actually
grow and be in earth school andsee this curriculum as your
opportunity to be your full,whole, authentic self and to
know that there will always bechallenge, but we can stop
seeing it as a painful past.
Be present here now in yourawakened, whole self, until next
(31:43):
time.
Namaste, thank you forlistening and I hope that that
helps support your soul recoveryprocess.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers, and not only do youget an incredible interview or
(32:05):
book study that comes with beingpart of that community, but
your subscribing helps supportthis podcast and the Recover
your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
(32:26):
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
Finding inner peace and freedom means
that we have to make peace withour past, regardless of how
painful and difficult thosememories and experiences were.
It's not about sweeping themunder the rug and pretending
that they didn't happen.
It's about processing them inhealthy ways that allow you to
understand more about yourself,to have compassion and grace and
(00:22):
forgiveness around thoseexperiences, mostly for you and
then potentially for the peoplearound you, so that you can be
present right here, right now,in this moment, in your full,
authentic self, letting go ofgrievance and resentment, being
present in your wholeness today.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
(00:47):
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
(01:08):
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow and our lives will
(01:30):
follow.
Welcome to the Recovery Soulpodcast and community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for spendingyour time with me here today.
I hope that this is somethingthat helps you remember your
wholeness.
I hope that these podcasts andthis community is reminding you
of the incredible beauty thatyou are and how complex it is in
this world, but that you have achoice, that you can make a
(01:51):
decision to step into your ownsoul recovery.
You can make a decision tofollow a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
And today I want to talk aboutmaking peace with the past.
And I want to talk about thisbecause it has been such a
profound part of my spiritualjourney and as I continue to
(02:12):
move into a new way of being,I've had to learn how to make
peace with the past.
I've learned how to step awayfrom what was an incredibly
painful and difficult 15, almost20 years of marriage, of
raising kids, and for many ofyou, I know that you're in it
(02:32):
right now.
I know that you're in thetrenches right now and this is
what I hope that this podcastand community offers you a
beacon of hope and light to seeat the end of the tunnel, to
remember that you are okay, itis going to be okay, you can
make it, you can remember andstep into your higher self, you
(02:55):
can allow what is happening.
You can allow what is happeningfrom a place of loving
detachment, from a place of yourwholeness, from a place of
allowing other people to be ontheir own journey, to remember
that you're here for your soul'sspiritual journey.
And the more that we do thiswork, the more that our eyes
(03:18):
open and our perception changesand we begin to see from this
new lens that steps away fromall the controlling, all the
fixing, all the trying to makeit better, all the codependent
behaviors, maybe our ownaddiction, our fears, our very
legitimate fears transformationand the feelings that we feel we
(03:43):
often don't give ourselves theability to feel.
We push them down, we try tomake it better, we try to fix it
, we try to have a solution, wego into the solution, which is
often about trying to make otherpeople be or act a different
way.
And what we're learning in soulrecovery is we're coming back
to our own soul, to our ownpurpose, to our own true nature.
(04:04):
And this making peace with thepast is really important because
when you have had a difficultpast which I don't know anybody
who hasn't had some level ofdifficult past we can get caught
up in looping and being presentin those memories and those
(04:24):
experiences as I often talkabout in soul recovery and from
a soul's journey.
From a soul's journey are partof the reason why we're here to
have these complicated, stickyexperiences.
And when you're in the middleof it, you don't remember that,
you don't think to yourself ohgood, I get a challenge.
My husband's going to reallyirk me today and make me feel
(04:45):
belittled and small.
Or, yay, my kids are fallingapart and falling apart in
addiction and not making goodchoices.
Oh good, I get to step moreinto my wholeness and my
fullness.
No, of course that's not howyou feel.
You want to jump into action,you want to jump into solution.
You want to jump into the partsof yourself that say, ah,
here's how we're going to fix it, here's how we're going to make
(05:06):
it better.
And my hope is that, as you'vedone this soul recovery work
with me, you're reminded to turnthe attention to yourself,
(05:30):
people around us, so deeply, sofully, with so much compassion
that they are able to havewhatever their experience is,
and to be witnessed and stillseen as whole through the midst
of their choices.
Can we do that?
Can we allow them to be fullywho they are and accept who they
are you know always have tolike it but to begin to allow
(05:51):
them to have their experienceswithout the resistance.
One of the reasons why this isup for me is because I'm
continuing to work on my memoir,which is taking many twists and
turns.
I'm working with the amazingMaddie, who is somebody who's
worked some of this processherself and offered to help me
(06:11):
with the book, and it really hasbeen this profound experience
on all levels for both of usreally to allow it to be what is
to be shared, to really bepresent with the experience and
this isn't a memoir as if I'mtelling my story and I want
(06:32):
everybody to really revel in mystory.
It's really our story.
It's our story.
We all have been through somuch and, as you've shared with
me in your feedback about thispodcast, my willingness to talk
about my life, my husband, mykids, my experiences, my beliefs
and everything that came upfrom my childhood gives you ways
(06:56):
to look at your own life, andso this book is something that I
really want to be as raw andgritty that you can reflect and
see the grittiness that I've hadin my life and, at the same
time, be in inspired hope,reminded that you can make it
through, that you can do this,that there is indeed a process
(07:18):
that you can walk through, toremember your wholeness, to let
it all go.
But it's also meant that I haveto go back, as I've mentioned in
other podcasts, and revisit alot of the memories and the
feelings that I had tucked awayand have had to tuck away and
stand in this new presence ofwho I am today, to be able to
(07:38):
maintain my marriage with Rich,who was indeed really painful
and difficult for a long, long,long time.
And I was reminded of this asI've gone back and reread my
journals and done recordings ofthem so we have transcripts for
the book and what it reminded meof.
And what I really wanted totalk about is there is this
(08:00):
propensity for us to rehash andrelive the story, the painful
stories.
I think it's very interestinghow easy it is to go back and
really want to rehash and relivethose painful stories instead
of seeing that that's part ofour perceptions, our beliefs,
(08:21):
the parts of us that thoughtthat was the only way to show up
or was on top of the rock, as Idescribed in step two, letting
go of control that generally,we're on top of this situation.
We're trying to fix it, we'retrying to change it, we want it
to be different.
We're in our suffering andunderneath is actually all of
our soul's experience and oursoul's journey and our soul's
(08:44):
journey and our soul'sexploration and our remembering
and our ability to have theseprofound experiences, as painful
as they may be.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
(09:07):
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own, with
individual modules intended tosupport you to work at your own
pace and on your own, withindividual modules intended to
support you to work at your ownpace and on your own time.
(09:27):
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find DailyInspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
(09:47):
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode, and when Ilook at our life now and I go
back and I read through thosejournals, if you've listened to
this podcast at all, you knowhow incredibly painful and
(10:08):
difficult it was.
Basically, starting from thetime that I was pregnant with
Bodhi, rich started a project upin the mountains building a
cabin for my mom actually doinghis life dream mom actually
(10:28):
doing his life dream and in thatpart he stepped into his
alcoholism in an incredibly deepand profound and difficult and
painful way.
And here I was with these twosmall babies, raising them
basically by myself, because hewas working during the week and
would come home on weekends,exhausted, hungover,
disconnected, and it changed thetimeline and the trajectory of
(10:48):
our what seemed like perfect,beautiful, loving relationship.
And when I read back over thosejournals, there is so much
sadness, so much loneliness, somuch confusion, and rightfully,
so right.
So when you look at theseemotions that you're having,
those emotions are sayingthere's something not aligned
(11:09):
here, there's something doesn'tfeel right here.
But instead of having tools tobe able to know how to handle
those feelings, of course Idon't know how to handle those
feelings.
I'm like in my 20s, I'm justfiguring my stuff out.
And so I went into completeoverdrive and used all of
whatever tools I had at thatyoung age to try to make it be
(11:31):
different, to try to fix it, totry to change it and mostly just
to be sad about it.
And in the sadness I covered myheart and I began to have
resentment towards Rich and hebegan to come back.
We have talked about this quitea bit, actually, rich and I.
He came back with whatevertools he had.
He came from a very difficult,alcoholic, angry home, violence
(11:57):
maybe not in the way that someother people experience,
violence, but that kind whereyou don't want to poke the bear.
And in that those were hisunconscious, subconscious,
reactive ways of being.
But underneath was this reallytender, sweet soul who wanted to
(12:18):
support his family.
Well, when I read the journals,it's interesting to really see
how and this is what I reallywant to describe in the book and
I hope that I can eventually doit we're resetting again to.
It's got to be just right.
It's got to really share thispart.
There's two parts of us.
(12:38):
There's always two parts of us.
There's our higher self, oursoul.
That is always whole, alwaysawakened, always present with
spirit.
It is unfaulted, it is pure, itis light.
It is this energy that isglorious and divine and
beautiful and that essence comeshere into this body to have an
(13:01):
experience, to be fully immersed, to forget as soon as you come
in that beautiful essence of whoyou are for the most part and
to step fully into this wildride of humanity experience.
Very complicated, very sticky,very full of all kinds of stuff
(13:22):
that happens from how our brainswork.
We step into a conscious brainthat has a system that has been
slowly, slowly, slowlydeveloping over time.
And so when you're in thatworld of the forgetting the
asleepness, world of theforgetting the asleepness,
(13:47):
that's when we get all caught upin the perception and the
reality in which we choose, andit becomes very complicated
because we're trying to controlwhat's uncontrollable.
Step two in soul recovery we'repowerless over every single
thing outside of ourself.
So if you look at my photoalbums, you see a life that was
beautiful.
You see two people that lovedeach other very much and we
(14:09):
absolutely did, and you see uswith drinks in our hands having
a great time, and you see ustaking the kids to skate parks
and on trips and all the thingsthat we absolutely did that were
really fun.
Things that we absolutely didthat were really fun, beautiful
birthdays and Christmases.
You know, for the most part,there's always this joy that's
intermixed with the complexityof being a human being, and then
(14:30):
there's the part of us that isunderneath, not knowing how to
process or feel the feelingsthat we feel, and experiencing
very tumultuous, difficultsituations huge fights, violence
, upset, grievance, resentment.
I was thinking about howincredibly difficult it was in
(14:51):
the years when Alex was reallystruggling and he started having
a hard time in middle school,and the reason why he was having
a hard time was multifaceted.
Right, he's got his own karma,he has his own situation, he has
his own belief systems abouthimself.
He struggled with Rich and howRich responded to him and that
(15:11):
affected his psyche and his soulin the way that it was.
That's their soul contract.
And then, in addition to that,he is a super sensitive and so
he took on the energy of aslightly dysfunctional, or most
lot dysfunctional, alcoholichome and it came out in ways
(15:32):
that were difficult for us, andso then we put all our energy
into him as if he was theproblem.
We defined him as the problem.
We called him.
The problem was the problem.
We defined him as the problem,we called him the problem.
And so in middle school hestarted finding ways to be able
to act out the feelings that hewas feeling, and by the time he
got into early high school wewere in blown out, full on
(15:55):
crisis mode with drugs, withskipping school.
He had to go to truancy court.
Eventually it was truancy, itwas going to be detention for
him or he had to go to rehab.
And we sent him to residentialrehab for five months and we
thought that that would fix him.
(16:15):
But it didn't because we werestill a system that was broken,
and so when he came out of that,it just got worse for him and
then he got in legal trouble.
And I read the journals aboutthose times and how much in
conflict Rich and I were abouthow we were handling it, what we
thought about it we separatedfor a year during that time and
(16:39):
everything that I think aboutduring those times had so much
complexity and so much pain andwhat I watched in myself as I
reflected on my journals and howI felt was this constant desire
for me just to make it betterfor everybody.
And of course I do desire forme just to make it better for
(17:03):
everybody.
And of course I do, because Ilove everybody and I just, I
just want us to be happy.
But in the midst of it I waslosing myself.
Over and over and over.
I'm writing in those journalsabout how I'm losing who I am.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know how to allowmyself to be loved.
I don't know how to love.
I don't know how I failed somuch.
I wrote over and over aboutfailure.
(17:23):
How did I mess this up?
And then you see that there's abelief in there that it was my
job to make sure everyone wasokay and as I went through my
soul recovery process so gentlyand kindly and interestingly
over the last seven and a halfyears, those painful memories
(17:45):
have been able to loosen theirgrip.
And this is the part aboutmaking peace with the past is
it's about not trying to thinkthat I wish I could go back and
make it different, those journalentries where I'm saying I just
wish I could do a do-over.
Those journal entries where I'msaying I just wish I could do a
(18:06):
do-over make so much sense,right?
Because there's a lot oftimeline switches and changes
and crossroads that we hit inthose moments when we're making
those decisions.
But when you step intospirituality, you remember and
you begin to understand thatthere are no wrong turns.
Spirituality, you remember andyou begin to understand that
there are no wrong turns andthat each turn that you make,
you get more and more alignedwith who you are to be able to
(18:29):
make the choices at each one ofthose turns, each one of those
crossroads, each time when thosedoors open, to be more clear
about who you are and what youwant in your life, and you
become better and better atallowing, accepting, loving,
(18:51):
unconditionally, lovingly,detaching from the other people
in your life and seeing themmore clearly for who they are as
souls and potentially, whattheir experience is and how it
needs to be.
Because the more that we've gotour fingers or attempt of
fingers to have in everybodyelse's business to make it
better for everybody else, themore that we're entangled in
whatever their choices are.
We're powerless over theirchoices.
(19:14):
And it doesn't mean that wedon't have opinion.
It doesn't mean that we don'tshow up.
It doesn't mean that we don'tcare.
It doesn't mean that we don'tlove.
We just stop holding on soincredibly tightly to yeah, but
if they would just yeah, yeah,that that's true and turn the
(19:35):
attention back to yourself.
So reading over the journals hasbeen very interesting and
working on this memoir has beeninteresting because it is this
essential element of who I amand where I've gotten to where I
am today.
I can see more clearly, and youknow that I'm in the super woo
(19:56):
of the spirituality.
I don't even begin to talkabout where I've gone into the
spiritual journey, but it is sopeaceful there and it's the
reminder that every moment weare choosing to be separate from
the knowing that we are divinebeings of source energy, we are
the creation of source and lovein the universe itself.
(20:18):
Having the opportunity to havethese pretty difficult and
sometimes painful experiencesfor the potential of our own
awakening, and when we rememberthe true nature of who we are,
we can look back on thoseexperiences with compassion and
(20:41):
deep forgiveness.
Not the forgiveness likesomething happened to me that is
wrong and you were at fault,but forgiveness for the pain
that we were all in and the lackof tools that we had and the
way that we dealt with it.
That wasn't ideal.
That kind of forgiveness opensup a level of compassion and
(21:03):
grace for everyone involved.
And you know that I'm stillwith Rich.
So, 33 years in, and when I goback and I read that really
difficult truth of how hardthose years were and again, I'm
(21:23):
never saying that someone shouldstay in their relationship or
leave their relationship I thinkit's really really important
that you are making thosedecisions for yourself, because
I am here in this relationship.
But I can also see that therewould have been an entirely
different timeline andtrajectory for me had I made a
(21:45):
different choice when Rich and Iseparated to not come back, and
both of them have value.
This is just the one that Iended up choosing, and the
reason why it continues to bethe choice that I'm grateful
that I made is because we areboth doing the work.
Does his work look like mine?
No, but he is indeed doing hisown work, these experiences than
(22:18):
we ever could have before,because we've let go of that
woundedness, that attack thatyou're the one who did this to
me.
This was the fault, this iswhat you did versus.
This is how I felt, this is howI perceived it.
And recently, when I was talkingto Rich about reading over the
journals as I was recording themand and it made me cry, and he
(22:42):
said I never really saw howpainful it was for you and I'm
sorry.
And I said, well, I neverreally gave you credit for how
hard you were working for ourfamily and how hard it was to
not be seen for that, and I'msorry.
Those allowances for us to beseen and witnessed from this
(23:03):
place of compassion and to havethose kinds of conversations are
so healing.
Right, because there's thisneed and want for us to justify
our side.
But when we quit doing that,there is this release of the
past.
And the more and more and moreI do this work, the more that
it's as if I'm picking up a bookthat I'm reading but it doesn't
(23:26):
necessarily feel like it's mine.
I can feel the intensity of it,but there's no point in
continuing to rehash thosestories and say my son was like
this and my husband was likethis and our life was like that.
That becomes a habit of talkingabout what you don't like and in
(23:50):
the woo-woo of the universe youare attracting that energy.
You are continuing to bringthat energy to yourself.
Your life is what you think andfeel and believe that it is.
It is absolutely the energythat you feel on the inside that
reflects the life that you haveon the outside.
(24:10):
So, as I turn to this new placethat says I am going to witness
a life that is love andconnection and a healthy
marriage and appreciation, thatis what I'm going to receive.
Not that I'm controlling him,not that I'm controlling my kids
(24:30):
.
I cannot visualize enough to bein charge of their experience.
I can allow and release and letgo and be present in it for
what it is to me and have moreclarity about how it feels to me
.
And I've said over and, over andover again, and I'll say it
again.
Rich has asked you know, canyou basically promise that
(24:53):
you'll, that we'll be togetherforever?
And my answer is always no.
I can't make that promise.
That's not integrative, that'snot genuine, that's not
authentic.
What I can say is I want to.
I am 100% in today and I wantto be present with him and with
my children in the human beingsthat they are today.
(25:14):
I mean the same thing If I lookback at Alex and who he was,
and I read how manipulative andangry and I read violent
episodes where he wasthreatening to kill himself,
threatening to hurt other people.
We had to call the police.
I mean, we went through so muchstuff and if I get on the phone
(25:35):
with him right now and that'swho I'm talking to I'm not going
to see this beautiful young manwith his new family who's
making every effort to alsorelease the past, to let go of
those parts of himself that hehas shame and guilt and sadness
over that he's healing.
(25:56):
I want to encourage his healing.
And when I allow Rich to be theperson that he is working so
hard to be today, then that'swho I'm interacting with.
Because all you have is thisvery second right here, right
now.
And when I go back and look atmyself an alcoholic, a control
(26:16):
addict, a nag, a way control youthink that you're trying to be
helpful.
You think you're trying to behelpful by saying here's what
you should do.
We've got to take care of this.
This has to be different.
Why don't you do this?
That is not beneficial toanybody, because you're
diminishing the power thatpeople have in their own life
(26:38):
and then you're ultimatelygiving your power away by saying
I need you to be okay, for meto be okay.
But in the end what we'rereally saying in all those
situations is, as you're hurting, you show up in a way that is
painful to me.
But when you do your work onyourself, you recognize no one
(26:59):
can make you feel any way.
No one can make you do or feelin any way.
The more sovereign you are inyour own well-being, the more
you work on your soul recoveryprocess.
The more you work on your soulrecovery process, the more you
understand your subconscious andwhat are your beliefs and what
(27:20):
are your stories, what are yourpatterns, what are your reactive
mechanisms.
And you begin to heal them.
You can begin to rewrite them.
You begin to change yourmindset.
You begin to turn over to thatconnection with the higher power
of your understanding andseeing your wholeness being in
your sovereign, most beautiful,light centered self that can see
(27:44):
the perception that everythingactually is okay, even when it
doesn't feel or look okay.
It's part of that person'sprocess.
It shifts and changeseverything.
And then I see that incrediblejourney that we all went through
and how every single one of usis on the other side to some
(28:06):
extent right now, every singleone of us and my kids are on the
other side.
Way sooner than I was, I didn'tget sober till I was 48 years
old.
They're 26 and 28.
They're already ahead of thetrajectory in which I was.
But what if we can make peacewith the past?
That doesn't involve the otherpeople having to also make peace
(28:30):
with the past, or that theyhave to be a certain way for it
to be okay.
Now it really is this releasingand letting go of everybody's
situation, everybody's story,everybody's location.
We can't make anybody else heal, but we can stand more fully in
our awakened state, in ourwholeness, and reflect light and
(29:00):
let go of the past.
The Course in Miracles says theonly thing that's real is love.
When we are in pain, that isn'tlove.
That's all of our perceptions,it's all of our fear.
So it doesn't dismiss ordiminish that those experiences
happened or happen or arehappening right now.
But we have this choice that wecan make at every moment to see
(29:24):
it from our higher self, torelease the pain, to let go of
the story, to not be the victim.
This is a slow and steadyprocess, and I was going to read
for you, as just to close oneof my journal entries from 2012.
So this is over 10 years agoand it was just prior to the
(29:49):
separation that Rich and I hadfor a year, 6-18-2012.
Years of marriage.
Yesterday and again it'sanother year, with struggle
surrounding the day.
I know this is not easy andthere are wonderful moments and
great things about rich.
However, we're just differentand those differences are
getting more and more pronounced.
(30:10):
I look back over the years andthere's ongoing sadness.
Can we overcome it?
Can I overcome it?
I just want to run.
I know I do that so often, butat this point it's all that's on
my mind.
That was just prior to myfinally making the decision to
give a break in my relationship,which ended up being a year A
(30:34):
year of trying to work it outwhere we I asked for a divorce
and then, in the midst of that,decided to give it another
chance.
There are no wrong turns and ourhistory has such value in us
learning more about ourselves,but we don't have to carry it
forward with this incredibledepth of wound and suffering and
(30:56):
pain.
That is a choice that we make,but those feelings that you feel
in the midst of the experiencesare part of your soul's journey
and experience and they areimportant.
And the more you actually justtouch in on the feelings and ask
yourself and your higher selfand spirit to help you process
and understand and learn andheal from whatever the pains and
(31:19):
the sufferings are, the moreopportunity you have to actually
grow and be in earth school andsee this curriculum as your
opportunity to be your full,whole, authentic self and to
know that there will always bechallenge, but we can stop
seeing it as a painful past.
Be present here now in yourawakened, whole self, until next
(31:43):
time.
Namaste, thank you forlistening and I hope that that
helps support your soul recoveryprocess.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers, and not only do youget an incredible interview or
(32:05):
book study that comes with beingpart of that community, but
your subscribing helps supportthis podcast and the Recover
your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
(32:26):
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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