September 8, 2025 • 29 mins
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Individual Sou Recovery work can create temporary disconnection in relationships as both partners evolve at different rates and in different ways. The 9-Step Soul Recovery Process offers a path to navigate these challenges by focusing first on healing ourselves rather than trying to change our partners.
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• Working separate recovery programs can make couples feel like they're drifting apart
• Relationship counseling often fixates on fixing problems rather than promoting personal growth
• Most relationship difficulties stem from projecting our unhealed wounds onto our partners
• True healing happens when we stop blaming others and examine our own reactions
• Recovery transforms us completely—like caterpillars becoming butterflies
• As we shed old identities, we must create new ways of relating to each other
• No relationship can fill the emptiness within that only spiritual connection can satisfy
• Relationship provides one of the most profound opportunities for spiritual growth
• Saf
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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
How do you let go of control and move into
a spiritual world when it seemslike your relationship is
falling apart?
Maybe you're both on the roadto recovery but you're working
separate programs and you're notfeeling connected.
Today I'm going to talk aboutthat as a response to a comment
on Spotify.
Recovery is this concept aroundhow we can do our own work and
(00:25):
be able to then step into ourrelationships with new eyes and
new perception.
In some ways, we're startingover.
There's going to be a part B, apart two to this episode for
Apple podcast subscribers andfree and paid Patreon members to
discuss more about how we canlook at who's right and using
(00:49):
the nine-step soul recoveryprocess to let go of that part
of us that wants to blame.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover your Soulpodcast a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
(01:10):
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing, positive results inour lives will follow.
(01:33):
Welcome to the Recovery SoulPodcasting Community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for choosingin on this soul recovery path
with me, a spiritual path to ahappy and healthy life.
We are making a consciousdecision to learn more about
ourselves, to see that there's alot of difficulty and
(01:58):
complexity and stickiness, as Icall it, happening around the
world and in our relationshipsand in our families, and we
spend a lot of time lookingaround on the outside and being
discontent, being unhappy, beingunfulfilled.
And now we're recognizing,through the step one in soul
recovery, which is we're readyfor awakening, we're recognizing
(02:19):
that there is something withinus that could be transformed to
make a decision to heal andlearn more about ourselves.
And today's episode is aroundrelationship and it's based on
another comment on Spotify,which I love getting comments
from you, and if you ever have atopic that you want to learn
(02:39):
more about, just email me atRecoverYourSoulNet at gmailcom.
I would love to hear what youwant to hear about, but I read
all your comments, either onYouTube or on Spotify, any place
that you can give a comment,and it was in response to the
episode that we had that wasAlan on through the lens of soul
recovery, when the bottom isthe beginning, surrender and the
(03:01):
freedom to let go.
And the listener, communitymember, said I hear a lot of
things about letting go andletting God take control of the
driver's seat.
I don't understand that aspectwhen it comes to things about my
marriage, as we work ourprograms separately and work on
our marriage together, it seemsimpossible to find a place to be
(03:21):
together and focus on us.
It just seems as though ourmarriage is falling apart, even
when neither of us want that tohappen.
So thank you, community member,for sharing that, because I
feel like this is a really greatquestion for so many reasons,
and I'm also inspired by itbecause I was having a
(03:41):
conversation with a friendrecently who's going through
some difficulties in her ownrelationship and it just really
reminded me so deeply of thiselement that we have in
relationship that I experiencedfor years and years and years
and years around how the otherperson needs to change and
(04:04):
what's going on with them andthe things that they're doing
that aren't fulfilling us andhow that's reflecting back to us
and how dissatisfied and howsort of really unmanageable our
life feels or how we just wishthat it could be better.
And I think that oftentimes andI've heard me say this before
(04:25):
and again as always, take whatyou need and leave the rest.
This is my interpretation ofthe entire world through my lens
, right?
So if you don't resonate withsome of it, it's okay.
I'm not trying to make youbelieve what I believe.
I'm showing you through thelens that has changed me, and I
want it to be a place for you tocontemplate your own belief
(04:45):
systems, your own experience.
When Rich and I used to go totherapy back in the day and we
often went we went to a coupledifferent people.
We went to a therapist that is,the famous therapist that told
us at the very beginning of ourrelationship that our issue was
alcoholism and alcohol, and wedidn't want to see that, and so
we turned on our heel and neverwent back.
(05:07):
We also worked with ourminister for years and years and
years, who had been such agreat resource for us.
He's not a trained therapistand he has his own system, but
he really just held space for usand had some mirroring back and
forth for us.
Some of the most profound workthat he did with us actually was
(05:28):
some concepts around gestalttherapy where we really looked
at different aspects of ourpersonality style and he had us
sit in different chairs and eachtime you moved a location you
really embodied what that aspectof you that was coming up.
And that's where I could reallysee that Rich's quote unquote
judge was the part of him Icontinue to not like and didn't
(05:52):
like for all those years.
That was the hardest part forme and I was able to really
recognize the part of me thathad a very frightened little
girl that didn't know how to bein the room without that little
girl being in the room.
Anytime there was chaos.
That was some of the greatestwork that we ever did.
It was very reflective and wecould see really intensely our
(06:15):
own parts of ourselves.
But oftentimes we just met withhim and it was a place where for
an hour I complained.
I just complained.
I didn't like the things thatwere going on with Rich, and you
know what?
I'm just going to say itrightfully so, rightfully so we
were both drinking.
He was especially heavy in hisaddiction.
(06:37):
He was very, very critical ofour children, especially Alex.
He had a parenting style thatdid not align with my values and
had a lot of intensity, a lotof words that were unkind, and
that was true, because that'swhat was given to him.
Part of soul recovery isrecognizing what are the
(06:58):
patterns, beliefs, stories thatare underneath, that are our
only way of thinking that thingswere.
So.
He was parenting in the sameparenting style that he'd been
parented.
I didn't like it.
I didn't like a lot of sort ofthese situations that were
happening and yet I wasn'tturning the attention to me.
I was spending a lot of time onjust pointing out all the stuff
(07:22):
about him that I did not enjoyor like or agree upon or think
was the right way to do it.
And I think this is the partthat is so interesting in terms
of the counseling or the waythat we do this thing, where we
get together as couples andwe're like here's how you're not
meeting my needs, and it'simportant to know how someone's
(07:44):
not meeting your needs.
That's not the.
The point is not to say that'snot valid.
The point is that we spend somuch time and energy on how that
person isn't meeting your needsthat you're actually not
reflecting on yourself aboutwhat is going on underneath.
This is what the nine stepswhole recovery process offers.
And as I was sitting with myfriend the other day and I
(08:06):
wasn't, of course I was coaching, I can't help but coach.
But I was trying not to coach.
I was trying not to be RevRachel too much and just be
present for a friend and she'snot on the spiritual journey,
she's not doing any of thisstuff, it's not in her
wheelhouse yet.
Maybe it'll be in herwheelhouse at some point.
She was just in the part ofbeing really sad about what was
(08:30):
going on in her relationship andthat's a valid place to be.
And what I love about thiscomment from the community
member on Spotify is they'rerecognizing that they're each
doing their own work in theirown programs.
And when you begin to awaken,when you begin to have a part of
(08:52):
you that wants to heal and theother person wants to heal, it
can look very different.
And you've heard me say thisbefore.
Rich's journey is verydifferent than mine, continues
to be very different than mine,and I'm grateful that he's
willing to do spiritual workbecause the only way I will stay
(09:14):
in this marriage.
If he decides, it's not aboutdrinking thank God he's still
sober, but that isn't the issuefor me.
The issue is a decision and awillingness and openness to
continue to do spiritual andmindset work and personal
(09:35):
development and to be awakeningwithin yourself and to coming
more and more fully into yourembodied self.
That is not what my focus waswhen we were sitting in those
counseling sessions, supposedlytrying to have something moving
forward, we had anothercounselor, who was another
minister, that we did spiritualcounseling with.
(09:57):
Again, there was not the kind,it was not the kind of coaching
that I do.
You come to work with me withcoaching and you do a lot of
talking, but we, we shift thingsimmediately.
There is so much opportunity toreally dig in and move what's
within you instead of justletting it circle and we circled
(10:20):
in this.
Who was right, who was at fault, who was doing the thing, that
was wrong, that was bad and what.
I think that the profoundopportunity, especially in
what's happening right now, inthe shift of consciousness and
this really awakening on alarger scale to our souls,
journeys.
A couple episodes I talked moreabout the soul.
(10:43):
What are we here to do?
What are we here to learn?
There is so much attention onthe relationship being the
solution, being the goal, thedestination, that we have to fix
this relationship so that it isideal on all sides, and maybe I
(11:09):
am off base in this and Isometimes I really wonder are
there actually couples that havesome sort of ideal?
I mean, if you look onInstagram, there certainly are.
If you watch movies and youwatch rom-coms, there certainly
are.
I'm curious about whetherthat's actually true.
I think that most relationships,even the best and most healthy
(11:34):
relationships, you have to be ina space where each soul, each
person, is reflecting on theirawakening journey, their
opportunity to continually beinterested and invested in their
own soul's growth.
What are you here to learn?
What can you do to reallyunderstand what is underneath
(12:00):
that needs to be unresolved orhealed or forgiven within
yourself, that we're putting allthis attention on the other
person to fill that for us.
And so when we go to counseling, it's often so immersed in the
fixing the relationship and whatI always offer.
(12:23):
When people come to me forcouples coaching which I do have
on the website as anopportunity to come to me and do
soul recovery as a couple, itis not about saving the marriage
or the relationship.
It's not about deciding whetherit's going to work or not work,
because ultimately, if that'sthe only focus.
(12:43):
You're missing the part whichis who are we independently, how
can we reflect for each otherand how can we be?
And this is really hard.
I totally get that.
This is really hard becauseI've had, I've been on all the
sides and right now I'm I'm ableto see it from this new
perception, which I'm alwaysinviting you to see.
(13:05):
From this new perception, ouropportunity to be in connection
with another soul, another humanbeing, is some of the most
profound connection that you canever have on so many levels, on
the deep love level, to havesomeone get you and be there for
you and support you and be yourfriend and be your confidant
(13:29):
and be your lover.
Those aspects are the beautifulopportunity to be in an
intimate, safe, caringrelationship and we're all
striving for that and we're allstriving for that.
And it also has thisopportunity for us to have
(13:51):
heartache and pain and questionour own value and wonder, like,
what is going on inside.
But we spend a lot of timeputting that on the other person
and then, when they're justdoing their work as their soul,
bumping up against their ownbelief systems, their own
limiting beliefs, their maybeeven karma from other lifetimes
(14:14):
we don't know we feel like we'rethe ones that are getting the
short end of the stick with them, because we're consumed with
the other person, filling thehole in our heart that's really
to be filled with our ownwholeness, with our own
well-being, with our ownconnection to spirit.
And what I encourage peoplewhen they work with me is let's
(14:37):
walk side by side.
This is what this comment was.
How do you walk side by side inyour own healing and connect
and work on what that union istogether?
And the guidance that's reallycoming through that I think is
really interesting is oftentimesit's about almost starting from
scratch.
I have a client whose husbandcame back from rehab and there
(15:01):
was questions about whether tostay together or not, whether
she wanted to be divorced orstay in, and they're really
starting from scratch and Ithink that you have to give
yourself grace that, no matterhow long you've been in a
relationship, every day is a newday.
And as we're working onourselves, it's almost like.
And as we're working onourselves, it's almost like oh,
(15:23):
the image that's coming to me isit's almost like we're shedding
skins old skins to be reborn,to be renewed, to have.
You know, we've grown and so wedon't fit in that old skin and
as we're shedding that skin andwe're stepping into a new way of
(15:46):
being, or even a butterfly, iseven a better example, because
you're literally changing fromone caterpillar all the way into
a butterfly.
You are completely changing, soyou can't relate to each other
in what it was before.
That's the only way that I'mstill married to Rich.
The only way Because, as we'veheard each other's call to
(16:14):
become more ourselves and be tobe more seen and witnessed for
exactly who we are, it meansthat we actually accept and see
each other's shadow side.
So I'm being brought back tositting in my living room with
Rev Scott and witnessing Rich'sjudge and literally viscerally
(16:36):
hating that aspect of him,hating that aspect of him.
It scared me, I didn't like it,I couldn't relate to it and I
had to work really hard foryears and years and years to not
see Rich as the judge.
I had to work really hard toremind myself that that is an
(16:59):
aspect of him that is one of hisdefenders, one of his
protectors.
And if you're curious aboutprotectors, I encourage you to
go back and listen to theprotectors episode, because we
all have aspects of ourselvesthat we use in reaction that
come from those old limitingbeliefs, those old stories and
the ways that we've been in theworld that often have this
(17:20):
defensive, reactive mechanism.
And riches was the judge.
And it's not bad.
These are aspects of us that areshadow.
They're part of who makes uswho we are and if we live
constantly in the shadow,there's a heaviness and a
darkness and there's fear.
This really is an experience asa soul to overcome the fear and
(17:43):
to recognize the wholeness ofwho you are and to give each
other grace and, at the sametime, to begin to be able to see
things more clearly in the, theneutrality of it, the what is
of it.
So that if you're in arelationship with somebody and
you're healing side by side andyou're coming in today with new
(18:05):
skin or a new aspect of yourself, you're doing the work on
yourself to heal the parts ofyou that want to be in reaction,
that want to be in fear, thatare clingy, that are needy and
are wanting for that otherperson to fill you up in some
way so that, as you both areworking, you can come together
(18:29):
in a way that is new andcreating a new environment.
So one of the suggestions I madeto the client that her husband
just came out of treatmentrecently was what if you just
started dating, even thoughyou're living in the same house?
Start to date, start to relearnwho you are in this new way of
(18:52):
being, because if I was relatingto Rich in my old reactivity,
in my old codependent, fearfulplace and super controlly,
controlly, controlly and he wascoming from his judge defended,
intense reaction to me, none ofthat's going to go well.
(19:13):
So, every day, the gratitudethat I have in our relationship
is we are putting our workfocused on ourselves first.
That's our number one, and thenthat allows us to come in to
our union with each other withmore compassion, more grace,
(19:34):
more willingness to haveforgiveness, more willingness to
be there for the other personwithout the neediness, there for
the other person without theneediness.
And I think that you know,ultimately, what I want this,
(19:58):
this episode, to really remindyou, is relationship is one of
the greatest and mostcomplicated spiritual tools of
all of it.
I think I've said it beforethat they they often say in
spirituality, the monks who gosit in the cave.
They've got it easy.
Those of us who are in themidst of it, in the complexities
of our marriages and with ourkids and with the people around
us.
We're doing the big spiritualwork and if you can open your
(20:23):
heart enough to let go ofgrievance, to let go of
resentment, to stop blaming, tostop spending so much time on
what the other person isn'tdoing, that you don't like,
versus who am I underneath andwhy does this hurt me and what
(20:43):
is this reminding me of, thenyou can have more clarity around
whether this relationship isaligned or not, and not that
someone's right or wrong it'sreally.
Sometimes it just comes to aplace where you say, okay, I
love this person so much, butneither one of us can totally be
ourselves, as we should be inthe presence of each other.
(21:05):
Or you say, man, if I let go ofall these expectations that I
have of the other person and Istart working on me so that I
can show up as my best self, sothat I'm a most healed, loving,
compassionate self, then I'll becurious and open to see how
they respond back and in general, you get what you send out.
(21:32):
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine-step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
(21:53):
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you, but you can
also choose to work the steps onyour own, with individual
modules intended to support you,to work at your own pace and on
your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
(22:14):
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode Give freely,receive abundantly.
(22:34):
Works for everything Giving ofyour time, giving of your love,
giving of your compassion,giving of your money.
Give freely and receiveabundantly.
But expectations and fear canoften really cut us off from
seeing clearly, because it's alla protection mechanism within
(22:58):
us, somewhere that is a reactionto our pain us somewhere that
is a reaction to our pain.
So I don't actually know if Ianswered the question that they
were responding to in that,aside from the fact that there
needs to be grace, there needsto be grace on all sides.
(23:21):
And you know I've said beforethat if you're not safe, if
you're not physically oremotionally safe, it's pretty
hard to do this deep spiritualwork and to really allow a
relationship to have itstransformation.
And that's that's one avenue toreally understand.
(23:41):
But on the other level, ifyou're with somebody and you are
physically, emotionally safe,it's just complicated and sticky
and hard it could be.
Potentially it could be the mostbeautiful opportunity to learn
the most about yourself and whoyou are as a soul and how you
(24:04):
can step more fully and deeplyinto your most healed, authentic
self, and then to open youreyes and be curious about the
other and their experience andthen from that you're able to
make a decision about whetherthe relationship is healthy and
(24:25):
good for everyone.
But there's no such thing asperfect and there's no such
thing as somebody else fillingyou up unless you have filled
yourself up first.
First and foremost, soulrecovery is a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
But more than that, soulrecovery is a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
But more than that soulrecovery is an opportunity for
(24:48):
us to understand more deeply ourown soul's experience and
journey, to release and let goof the limiting beliefs that
keep us stuck and in reaction,that keep us in fear, that keep
us from stepping into ourauthentic self, connecting to
the spiritual life, the higherpower of your understanding, and
(25:12):
allowing that to be your numberone focus, so that your heart
can truly be healed and that youcan be in relationships with
the people in your life withoutcontrolling, without trying to
make it be any particular way,and in that there's peace and
freedom and contentment andclarity.
(25:35):
I want to finish this episode,but I'm really continuing to
think about continuing to thinkabout part of what I think this
is is around who's right andit's making me want to do a part
two of this episode that I willdo in the bonus episode on
Friday on Patreon and Applepodcast subscribers and, as I
(25:57):
promised, when I do these twoparters, I really want to pull
in the nine steps all recoveryprocess and how you can use that
in your own life to workthrough this.
So, if you are interested incontinuing this conversation and
learning more around relievingthat part of yourself that gets
(26:17):
attached to having been harmedor wounded, or who's right in a
situation.
I encourage you to go check outthis part two of the podcast.
If you are a subscriber onApple podcasts, that'll be
available to you.
Same with Patreon.
And just a reminder that youcan be a free Patreon member
free, free, free and have accessto all new episodes the first
(26:38):
week that they are there, andfor a cup of coffee a month you
can have access to over 200bonus podcasts, which have a lot
of amazing interviews, bookstudies, al-anon through the
lens of soul recovery, spiritualbook studies so many great
things.
So I hope that you go check outthis part too.
(27:16):
Okay, until next time namastecredible interview or book study
that comes with being part ofthat community, but your
subscribing helps support thispodcast and the Recover your
Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
(27:37):
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
How do you let go of control and move into
a spiritual world when it seemslike your relationship is
falling apart?
Maybe you're both on the roadto recovery but you're working
separate programs and you're notfeeling connected.
Today I'm going to talk aboutthat as a response to a comment
on Spotify.
Recovery is this concept aroundhow we can do our own work and
(00:25):
be able to then step into ourrelationships with new eyes and
new perception.
In some ways, we're startingover.
There's going to be a part B, apart two to this episode for
Apple podcast subscribers andfree and paid Patreon members to
discuss more about how we canlook at who's right and using
(00:49):
the nine-step soul recoveryprocess to let go of that part
of us that wants to blame.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover your Soulpodcast a spiritual path to a
happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
(01:10):
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing, positive results inour lives will follow.
(01:33):
Welcome to the Recovery SoulPodcasting Community.
I'm Rev Rachel.
Thank you so much for choosingin on this soul recovery path
with me, a spiritual path to ahappy and healthy life.
We are making a consciousdecision to learn more about
ourselves, to see that there's alot of difficulty and
(01:58):
complexity and stickiness, as Icall it, happening around the
world and in our relationshipsand in our families, and we
spend a lot of time lookingaround on the outside and being
discontent, being unhappy, beingunfulfilled.
And now we're recognizing,through the step one in soul
recovery, which is we're readyfor awakening, we're recognizing
(02:19):
that there is something withinus that could be transformed to
make a decision to heal andlearn more about ourselves.
And today's episode is aroundrelationship and it's based on
another comment on Spotify,which I love getting comments
from you, and if you ever have atopic that you want to learn
(02:39):
more about, just email me atRecoverYourSoulNet at gmailcom.
I would love to hear what youwant to hear about, but I read
all your comments, either onYouTube or on Spotify, any place
that you can give a comment,and it was in response to the
episode that we had that wasAlan on through the lens of soul
recovery, when the bottom isthe beginning, surrender and the
(03:01):
freedom to let go.
And the listener, communitymember, said I hear a lot of
things about letting go andletting God take control of the
driver's seat.
I don't understand that aspectwhen it comes to things about my
marriage, as we work ourprograms separately and work on
our marriage together, it seemsimpossible to find a place to be
(03:21):
together and focus on us.
It just seems as though ourmarriage is falling apart, even
when neither of us want that tohappen.
So thank you, community member,for sharing that, because I
feel like this is a really greatquestion for so many reasons,
and I'm also inspired by itbecause I was having a
(03:41):
conversation with a friendrecently who's going through
some difficulties in her ownrelationship and it just really
reminded me so deeply of thiselement that we have in
relationship that I experiencedfor years and years and years
and years around how the otherperson needs to change and
(04:04):
what's going on with them andthe things that they're doing
that aren't fulfilling us andhow that's reflecting back to us
and how dissatisfied and howsort of really unmanageable our
life feels or how we just wishthat it could be better.
And I think that oftentimes andI've heard me say this before
(04:25):
and again as always, take whatyou need and leave the rest.
This is my interpretation ofthe entire world through my lens
, right?
So if you don't resonate withsome of it, it's okay.
I'm not trying to make youbelieve what I believe.
I'm showing you through thelens that has changed me, and I
want it to be a place for you tocontemplate your own belief
(04:45):
systems, your own experience.
When Rich and I used to go totherapy back in the day and we
often went we went to a coupledifferent people.
We went to a therapist that is,the famous therapist that told
us at the very beginning of ourrelationship that our issue was
alcoholism and alcohol, and wedidn't want to see that, and so
we turned on our heel and neverwent back.
(05:07):
We also worked with ourminister for years and years and
years, who had been such agreat resource for us.
He's not a trained therapistand he has his own system, but
he really just held space for usand had some mirroring back and
forth for us.
Some of the most profound workthat he did with us actually was
(05:28):
some concepts around gestalttherapy where we really looked
at different aspects of ourpersonality style and he had us
sit in different chairs and eachtime you moved a location you
really embodied what that aspectof you that was coming up.
And that's where I could reallysee that Rich's quote unquote
judge was the part of him Icontinue to not like and didn't
(05:52):
like for all those years.
That was the hardest part forme and I was able to really
recognize the part of me thathad a very frightened little
girl that didn't know how to bein the room without that little
girl being in the room.
Anytime there was chaos.
That was some of the greatestwork that we ever did.
It was very reflective and wecould see really intensely our
(06:15):
own parts of ourselves.
But oftentimes we just met withhim and it was a place where for
an hour I complained.
I just complained.
I didn't like the things thatwere going on with Rich, and you
know what?
I'm just going to say itrightfully so, rightfully so we
were both drinking.
He was especially heavy in hisaddiction.
(06:37):
He was very, very critical ofour children, especially Alex.
He had a parenting style thatdid not align with my values and
had a lot of intensity, a lotof words that were unkind, and
that was true, because that'swhat was given to him.
Part of soul recovery isrecognizing what are the
(06:58):
patterns, beliefs, stories thatare underneath, that are our
only way of thinking that thingswere.
So.
He was parenting in the sameparenting style that he'd been
parented.
I didn't like it.
I didn't like a lot of sort ofthese situations that were
happening and yet I wasn'tturning the attention to me.
I was spending a lot of time onjust pointing out all the stuff
(07:22):
about him that I did not enjoyor like or agree upon or think
was the right way to do it.
And I think this is the partthat is so interesting in terms
of the counseling or the waythat we do this thing, where we
get together as couples andwe're like here's how you're not
meeting my needs, and it'simportant to know how someone's
(07:44):
not meeting your needs.
That's not the.
The point is not to say that'snot valid.
The point is that we spend somuch time and energy on how that
person isn't meeting your needsthat you're actually not
reflecting on yourself aboutwhat is going on underneath.
This is what the nine stepswhole recovery process offers.
And as I was sitting with myfriend the other day and I
(08:06):
wasn't, of course I was coaching, I can't help but coach.
But I was trying not to coach.
I was trying not to be RevRachel too much and just be
present for a friend and she'snot on the spiritual journey,
she's not doing any of thisstuff, it's not in her
wheelhouse yet.
Maybe it'll be in herwheelhouse at some point.
She was just in the part ofbeing really sad about what was
(08:30):
going on in her relationship andthat's a valid place to be.
And what I love about thiscomment from the community
member on Spotify is they'rerecognizing that they're each
doing their own work in theirown programs.
And when you begin to awaken,when you begin to have a part of
(08:52):
you that wants to heal and theother person wants to heal, it
can look very different.
And you've heard me say thisbefore.
Rich's journey is verydifferent than mine, continues
to be very different than mine,and I'm grateful that he's
willing to do spiritual workbecause the only way I will stay
(09:14):
in this marriage.
If he decides, it's not aboutdrinking thank God he's still
sober, but that isn't the issuefor me.
The issue is a decision and awillingness and openness to
continue to do spiritual andmindset work and personal
(09:35):
development and to be awakeningwithin yourself and to coming
more and more fully into yourembodied self.
That is not what my focus waswhen we were sitting in those
counseling sessions, supposedlytrying to have something moving
forward, we had anothercounselor, who was another
minister, that we did spiritualcounseling with.
(09:57):
Again, there was not the kind,it was not the kind of coaching
that I do.
You come to work with me withcoaching and you do a lot of
talking, but we, we shift thingsimmediately.
There is so much opportunity toreally dig in and move what's
within you instead of justletting it circle and we circled
(10:20):
in this.
Who was right, who was at fault, who was doing the thing, that
was wrong, that was bad and what.
I think that the profoundopportunity, especially in
what's happening right now, inthe shift of consciousness and
this really awakening on alarger scale to our souls,
journeys.
A couple episodes I talked moreabout the soul.
(10:43):
What are we here to do?
What are we here to learn?
There is so much attention onthe relationship being the
solution, being the goal, thedestination, that we have to fix
this relationship so that it isideal on all sides, and maybe I
(11:09):
am off base in this and Isometimes I really wonder are
there actually couples that havesome sort of ideal?
I mean, if you look onInstagram, there certainly are.
If you watch movies and youwatch rom-coms, there certainly
are.
I'm curious about whetherthat's actually true.
I think that most relationships,even the best and most healthy
(11:34):
relationships, you have to be ina space where each soul, each
person, is reflecting on theirawakening journey, their
opportunity to continually beinterested and invested in their
own soul's growth.
What are you here to learn?
What can you do to reallyunderstand what is underneath
(12:00):
that needs to be unresolved orhealed or forgiven within
yourself, that we're putting allthis attention on the other
person to fill that for us.
And so when we go to counseling, it's often so immersed in the
fixing the relationship and whatI always offer.
(12:23):
When people come to me forcouples coaching which I do have
on the website as anopportunity to come to me and do
soul recovery as a couple, itis not about saving the marriage
or the relationship.
It's not about deciding whetherit's going to work or not work,
because ultimately, if that'sthe only focus.
(12:43):
You're missing the part whichis who are we independently, how
can we reflect for each otherand how can we be?
And this is really hard.
I totally get that.
This is really hard becauseI've had, I've been on all the
sides and right now I'm I'm ableto see it from this new
perception, which I'm alwaysinviting you to see.
(13:05):
From this new perception, ouropportunity to be in connection
with another soul, another humanbeing, is some of the most
profound connection that you canever have on so many levels, on
the deep love level, to havesomeone get you and be there for
you and support you and be yourfriend and be your confidant
(13:29):
and be your lover.
Those aspects are the beautifulopportunity to be in an
intimate, safe, caringrelationship and we're all
striving for that and we're allstriving for that.
And it also has thisopportunity for us to have
(13:51):
heartache and pain and questionour own value and wonder, like,
what is going on inside.
But we spend a lot of timeputting that on the other person
and then, when they're justdoing their work as their soul,
bumping up against their ownbelief systems, their own
limiting beliefs, their maybeeven karma from other lifetimes
(14:14):
we don't know we feel like we'rethe ones that are getting the
short end of the stick with them, because we're consumed with
the other person, filling thehole in our heart that's really
to be filled with our ownwholeness, with our own
well-being, with our ownconnection to spirit.
And what I encourage peoplewhen they work with me is let's
(14:37):
walk side by side.
This is what this comment was.
How do you walk side by side inyour own healing and connect
and work on what that union istogether?
And the guidance that's reallycoming through that I think is
really interesting is oftentimesit's about almost starting from
scratch.
I have a client whose husbandcame back from rehab and there
(15:01):
was questions about whether tostay together or not, whether
she wanted to be divorced orstay in, and they're really
starting from scratch and Ithink that you have to give
yourself grace that, no matterhow long you've been in a
relationship, every day is a newday.
And as we're working onourselves, it's almost like.
And as we're working onourselves, it's almost like oh,
(15:23):
the image that's coming to me isit's almost like we're shedding
skins old skins to be reborn,to be renewed, to have.
You know, we've grown and so wedon't fit in that old skin and
as we're shedding that skin andwe're stepping into a new way of
(15:46):
being, or even a butterfly, iseven a better example, because
you're literally changing fromone caterpillar all the way into
a butterfly.
You are completely changing, soyou can't relate to each other
in what it was before.
That's the only way that I'mstill married to Rich.
The only way Because, as we'veheard each other's call to
(16:14):
become more ourselves and be tobe more seen and witnessed for
exactly who we are, it meansthat we actually accept and see
each other's shadow side.
So I'm being brought back tositting in my living room with
Rev Scott and witnessing Rich'sjudge and literally viscerally
(16:36):
hating that aspect of him,hating that aspect of him.
It scared me, I didn't like it,I couldn't relate to it and I
had to work really hard foryears and years and years to not
see Rich as the judge.
I had to work really hard toremind myself that that is an
(16:59):
aspect of him that is one of hisdefenders, one of his
protectors.
And if you're curious aboutprotectors, I encourage you to
go back and listen to theprotectors episode, because we
all have aspects of ourselvesthat we use in reaction that
come from those old limitingbeliefs, those old stories and
the ways that we've been in theworld that often have this
(17:20):
defensive, reactive mechanism.
And riches was the judge.
And it's not bad.
These are aspects of us that areshadow.
They're part of who makes uswho we are and if we live
constantly in the shadow,there's a heaviness and a
darkness and there's fear.
This really is an experience asa soul to overcome the fear and
(17:43):
to recognize the wholeness ofwho you are and to give each
other grace and, at the sametime, to begin to be able to see
things more clearly in the, theneutrality of it, the what is
of it.
So that if you're in arelationship with somebody and
you're healing side by side andyou're coming in today with new
(18:05):
skin or a new aspect of yourself, you're doing the work on
yourself to heal the parts ofyou that want to be in reaction,
that want to be in fear, thatare clingy, that are needy and
are wanting for that otherperson to fill you up in some
way so that, as you both areworking, you can come together
(18:29):
in a way that is new andcreating a new environment.
So one of the suggestions I madeto the client that her husband
just came out of treatmentrecently was what if you just
started dating, even thoughyou're living in the same house?
Start to date, start to relearnwho you are in this new way of
(18:52):
being, because if I was relatingto Rich in my old reactivity,
in my old codependent, fearfulplace and super controlly,
controlly, controlly and he wascoming from his judge defended,
intense reaction to me, none ofthat's going to go well.
(19:13):
So, every day, the gratitudethat I have in our relationship
is we are putting our workfocused on ourselves first.
That's our number one, and thenthat allows us to come in to
our union with each other withmore compassion, more grace,
(19:34):
more willingness to haveforgiveness, more willingness to
be there for the other personwithout the neediness, there for
the other person without theneediness.
And I think that you know,ultimately, what I want this,
(19:58):
this episode, to really remindyou, is relationship is one of
the greatest and mostcomplicated spiritual tools of
all of it.
I think I've said it beforethat they they often say in
spirituality, the monks who gosit in the cave.
They've got it easy.
Those of us who are in themidst of it, in the complexities
of our marriages and with ourkids and with the people around
us.
We're doing the big spiritualwork and if you can open your
(20:23):
heart enough to let go ofgrievance, to let go of
resentment, to stop blaming, tostop spending so much time on
what the other person isn'tdoing, that you don't like,
versus who am I underneath andwhy does this hurt me and what
(20:43):
is this reminding me of, thenyou can have more clarity around
whether this relationship isaligned or not, and not that
someone's right or wrong it'sreally.
Sometimes it just comes to aplace where you say, okay, I
love this person so much, butneither one of us can totally be
ourselves, as we should be inthe presence of each other.
(21:05):
Or you say, man, if I let go ofall these expectations that I
have of the other person and Istart working on me so that I
can show up as my best self, sothat I'm a most healed, loving,
compassionate self, then I'll becurious and open to see how
they respond back and in general, you get what you send out.
(21:32):
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
about the nine-step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
(21:53):
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you, but you can
also choose to work the steps onyour own, with individual
modules intended to support you,to work at your own pace and on
your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
(22:14):
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode Give freely,receive abundantly.
(22:34):
Works for everything Giving ofyour time, giving of your love,
giving of your compassion,giving of your money.
Give freely and receiveabundantly.
But expectations and fear canoften really cut us off from
seeing clearly, because it's alla protection mechanism within
(22:58):
us, somewhere that is a reactionto our pain us somewhere that
is a reaction to our pain.
So I don't actually know if Ianswered the question that they
were responding to in that,aside from the fact that there
needs to be grace, there needsto be grace on all sides.
(23:21):
And you know I've said beforethat if you're not safe, if
you're not physically oremotionally safe, it's pretty
hard to do this deep spiritualwork and to really allow a
relationship to have itstransformation.
And that's that's one avenue toreally understand.
(23:41):
But on the other level, ifyou're with somebody and you are
physically, emotionally safe,it's just complicated and sticky
and hard it could be.
Potentially it could be the mostbeautiful opportunity to learn
the most about yourself and whoyou are as a soul and how you
(24:04):
can step more fully and deeplyinto your most healed, authentic
self, and then to open youreyes and be curious about the
other and their experience andthen from that you're able to
make a decision about whetherthe relationship is healthy and
(24:25):
good for everyone.
But there's no such thing asperfect and there's no such
thing as somebody else fillingyou up unless you have filled
yourself up first.
First and foremost, soulrecovery is a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
But more than that, soulrecovery is a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
But more than that soulrecovery is an opportunity for
(24:48):
us to understand more deeply ourown soul's experience and
journey, to release and let goof the limiting beliefs that
keep us stuck and in reaction,that keep us in fear, that keep
us from stepping into ourauthentic self, connecting to
the spiritual life, the higherpower of your understanding, and
(25:12):
allowing that to be your numberone focus, so that your heart
can truly be healed and that youcan be in relationships with
the people in your life withoutcontrolling, without trying to
make it be any particular way,and in that there's peace and
freedom and contentment andclarity.
(25:35):
I want to finish this episode,but I'm really continuing to
think about continuing to thinkabout part of what I think this
is is around who's right andit's making me want to do a part
two of this episode that I willdo in the bonus episode on
Friday on Patreon and Applepodcast subscribers and, as I
(25:57):
promised, when I do these twoparters, I really want to pull
in the nine steps all recoveryprocess and how you can use that
in your own life to workthrough this.
So, if you are interested incontinuing this conversation and
learning more around relievingthat part of yourself that gets
(26:17):
attached to having been harmedor wounded, or who's right in a
situation.
I encourage you to go check outthis part two of the podcast.
If you are a subscriber onApple podcasts, that'll be
available to you.
Same with Patreon.
And just a reminder that youcan be a free Patreon member
free, free, free and have accessto all new episodes the first
(26:38):
week that they are there, andfor a cup of coffee a month you
can have access to over 200bonus podcasts, which have a lot
of amazing interviews, bookstudies, al-anon through the
lens of soul recovery, spiritualbook studies so many great
things.
So I hope that you go check outthis part too.
(27:16):
Okay, until next time namastecredible interview or book study
that comes with being part ofthat community, but your
subscribing helps support thispodcast and the Recover your
Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
(27:37):
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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