October 13, 2025 • 28 mins
Send one way text to Rev Rachel
What if the bravest act of love is stepping back?
Parenting an adult child who’s struggling with addiction can feel like walking a tightrope between love and heartbreak. In this episode, we explore what it means to Recover Your Soul while learning to let go with grace.
Rev Rachel Harrison offers heartfelt guidance on how to hold firm boundaries without withdrawing your love, how to separate behavior from identity, and how to let consequences become the teachers we cannot be. Through honest reflection and spiritual insight, she shares what loving detachment really looks like and why it’s not indifference, but a higher form of compassion.
If you’re a parent standing at the crossroads of love and limits, this conversation offers hope and clarity. You’ll learn how to stay grounded in your own healing, find emotional balance, and see the light of the soul beneath the cloak of addiction.
Listen for encouragement, spiritual truth, and language you can use today as you navigate your own path toward peace. Together, we are remembering that healing begins within — and that when we recover our souls, we help others find their way home too.
Join us on the 1st Monday of every month for the FREE Soul Recovery Support Group on Zoom from 6-7PM Mountain Time. Register on the website, and if you have registered in the past, look for your reminder email in your promotions folder.
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison or guests. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul www.recoveryoursoul.net
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
As a parent, watching our adult
children go through addiction isincredibly, incredibly painful.
And I think that what we'relearning in our letting go of
codependency, our entanglementwith our adult children is how
to attend to our own feelingsand to learn to be present for
them in their experience withloving detachment and in a way
(00:22):
that offers support withoutcontrol.
And it is a balance.
But each one of us has anopportunity as we're watching
them to step more fully into ourown recover your soul process.
And from that space, we canactually be present for them to
experience and go throughwhatever it is that they need to
(00:44):
experience and go through tolearn more about themselves and
hopefully eventually choose asofter, more healed way.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover YourSoul podcast, a spiritual path
to a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover Your Soulafter having profound changes in
(01:07):
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency, and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our interchange and
(01:30):
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover YourSoul Podcast and community.
I'm Red Rachel.
I'm so grateful that you'rehere with me today.
And if you're new and maybe youfound this podcast by just
searching a title that inspiredyou and you're beginning to get
some information, I'm so gladyou found us.
(01:52):
I feel like it's by no mistakethat people find this community.
And if you're coming back timeand time again, I'm so grateful
to be able to, I'm honoredreally to be part of this
journey with you where we'relearning how to recover our
souls.
We're learning how to be okaywhen the people and the
circumstances around us arecomplicated and painful and
(02:13):
difficult.
And last night we had our oncea month, it's the first Monday
of every month, soul recoverysupport group.
It's free and on Zoom.
And we have anything from, Idon't know, 30 to 50 people on
average that come every month.
And it's just such a beautifulconnection with people.
And maybe if you've been to anAl-Anon meeting or an AA meeting
(02:34):
or another kind of 12-stepmeeting, it's not really like
that.
It's really its own specialgroup.
And what I like to do is haveus come together.
And then I often will pick atopic of soul recovery,
something that we talk about,and then we break into small
groups.
And sometimes I just do a peerquestion and answer.
(02:54):
What's going on?
What can I address?
How can I be of support to you?
And that's what we did lastnight was we had all of us
together.
And then I asked a couplequestions about what people
wanted to talk about.
And we talked about thosethings.
And then I thought, oh, that'llbe really good.
I'll use those as ways to havetopics of communication and
(03:15):
conversation here in thepodcast.
Because if somebody in thegroup is thinking it, that means
that we're all thinking it.
And that's the beauty of havingthousands of people who are in
this space listening at the sametime as we resonate together.
So I wanted to talk about oneof the questions that was
brought up in terms of children.
This one's going to be aboutchildren who are in their own
(03:36):
recovery journey and how to beparents in that space.
And as it is in life, and thereason why I think you resonate
so much with me is because I'mwilling to share my own journey.
And as soon as I was thinkingthat that's what I would talk
about today, something prettysubstantial happened with Bodhi
(03:58):
in the last 24 hours that that'sreally a crossroads for him.
And so I can talk about it alittle bit.
I can share with you what umwhat I can at this time because
I do need to keep his life asprivate as I can and honor his
own experience.
But I want to talk about itfrom my experience because I
think it resonates so much withwhat was brought up in the
(04:20):
meeting last night.
So this was a client who I haveworked with um a little bit.
So I knew the situation withher and her adult son, who is
divorced, has kids, is, youknow, a grown, grown man.
And the uh consequences of hisaddiction are part of what were
the downfall of his marriage.
(04:41):
And he's gone through a lot ofhardship and he's having to
really work on bettering himselfand having a better life.
And what she was saying is thatwhat's hard is that he's
decided that he doesn't want toquit drinking, quit drinking,
that he thinks that he canmanage and do some drinking.
And that's really hard for herbecause she can see the steps
(05:03):
that he's taking.
She can see the improvementsthat are happening, she can see
how there's good thingshappening within him, and yet he
won't make this final decisionto stop drinking, drinking.
And so what I talked about lastnight is that we have this part
of us that we're learning inrecover your soul how to how to
stop trying to controleverything.
(05:25):
But it doesn't mean that youdon't have your feelings.
And I talked a lot about thislast night that if we can step
out of their experience and moveinto what it is for us, what it
feels like to us, then that'swhere our real work is because
we are powerless over what theydecide.
We're powerless over thechoices that they make, we're
(05:47):
powerless over whether theydecide they want to be sober,
whether they want to get well,whether they see that it's a
problem, we're powerless overtheir addiction.
I mean, there's so many thingsthat we can use step two in soul
recovery, that tool to let goof the grip on us that we think,
ah, I know what I'm gonna do.
This is what I'm gonna do, thisis how I'm gonna fix it, this
(06:08):
is this is the answer.
And if he would just stop doingthis, then that would happen.
But it feels a certain way tous, and especially if you have
children who are struggling withaddiction, it feels hard.
And it's gonna make me crybecause these feelings are
(06:28):
really important to allowyourself to be scared and to
grieve and to wish for it to besomething different.
I don't I don't think youshould ever take away the fact
that it feels really hard.
Because when we don't feel ourfeelings, we get obsessed with
their situation and theirchoices and their circumstance.
(06:51):
And if we look at it from therecover your soul perspective,
we begin to look at the truththat being here in these bodies
as souls is really complicated.
And when I was struggling in myown addiction, what I can tell
(07:12):
you is that letting go ofsomething that felt like the
solution and felt like the onlysolace that I had at times to
either have fun or to dampen howI felt or to have that moment
of euphoria of where just for aminute it didn't feel so hard or
so scary.
I get it.
And I think that's part of whatallows me to be present with my
(07:36):
own children in a way that umthat sometimes sometimes may not
um be able to hold the otherplace where it's like, you know,
get over it, just stop.
Because I know, I know thatit's useless to demand that they
stop.
(07:56):
But I hope that I can bepresent with them in each moment
to exactly where they are.
Because one of the things aboutbeing a parent, and this is
what started to make me cry, iswe held them in our arms when
they were little babies.
And we saw the perfection ofwho they are.
(08:16):
And I think that there's a lotof beauty around how innocent we
are when we're little.
And even as toddlers, you know,there's this rambunctiousness,
there's this wildness that thenwe train down, you know,
sometimes in better ways,sometimes in not so great ways.
And they're creating their ownbelief systems, they're creating
(08:39):
their own world in which theysee through, they're creating
their own patterns, their ownstories of who they are.
And in some ways, we have beenbeautiful offerings of letting
them see how wonderful and howloved they are.
And sometimes out of our ownignorance or our own dysfunction
(09:00):
or our own attempt even to dothe right thing, we have given
them stories that they get tospend a lifetime working on.
And so then as adults, I thinkthat we do the codependent thing
where we we want to fixpotentially what we created harm
for, or fix the parts where wesee that they don't see
(09:22):
themselves or they don't lovethemselves enough, and the
reason why they would fall backinto addiction, or you know, we
want to save it and fix it forthem.
God knows I do.
I do.
But what I'm grateful for inRecover Your Soul is that
there's this ability to stepback just enough to love them so
(09:49):
unconditionally that we canbelieve that everything is
working out for them too.
And you know that over the lastcouple months or whatever I've
been talking about it, um, Ishared that Bodhi had fallen off
of his strict sobriety that hehad been on for about six
(10:10):
months.
And when I went to go visitAlex and his girlfriend and
little Rocky when he was twomonths old, I was pretty
devastated and heartbroken whenI saw that Bodhi was drinking
again.
And I had to lean reallyheavily into this work that
we're doing, which is not topretend like nothing's
(10:31):
happening, and it's also not tonot say anything.
And I I want you to know thatwe don't have to say it perfect.
And in and it isn't actuallyabout saying exactly the right
words, because if we think we'regoing to say just the right
words, we're actually incontrol.
We're attempting to control.
But it's about saying the wordsfrom this place of loving
(10:53):
detachment where we are so inour hearts and we are seeing the
purity of who they are in theirshining light.
And we're knowing that theaddiction is a cloak, as I like
to call it.
It's like you're either it'sthis identity or this cover that
they're wearing over themselvesthat is whatever it is.
(11:16):
And it is a very uh difficultcloak to remove, having been
somebody who drank until I was45 years old, 48, sorry, give
myself even three more years, 48years old.
You know, why why did I keepdoing that?
You know, I never I never hadto hit the wall that was so
(11:39):
horrific.
You know, I never got a DUI, Inever landed in jail, I never
killed somebody while I wasdriving, all the things that I
could have very easily done.
I didn't lose a job, although Iwas a horrible employee for a
while at a job.
So when you really look at likewhat does it take to get to a
(12:00):
place where you hit a wallthat's so hard?
And why do we have to hit thosewalls that are so hard?
And when you look at your kids,you're like, isn't that the
bottom?
Isn't that a wall that's hardenough?
Like, haven't you hit a placethat's enough that you want to
do something different?
And those are those arelegitimate questions to a place
where we're trying to controlit.
(12:22):
We're we're wanting it to bedifferent.
That's suffering.
The suffering is the clinging,the wishing, the wanting, the
demanding.
When I speak to my kids, I'mpretty honest about what I think
and how I'm afraid.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoul.net to learn
(12:43):
more about the nine-step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own with
(13:04):
individual modules intended tosupport you to work at your own
pace and on your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover Your Soul Bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
Podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
(13:27):
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links, and
registration for everything.
So when we went to Ashevillefor the retreat and I spent a
couple days with Bodhi, I sharedwith you that um there he was.
I'm hanging out with him again,and he's, you know, he said,
Well, I'm not drinking rightnow, but he was smoking weed.
(13:49):
And I looked at my child withjust love in my heart, and I
just was as present as I couldbe with him in that moment with
trying to do these practices ofnot judging, not wanting to be
different, not um being againstit, but recognizing how it makes
(14:10):
me feel.
I prefer to not be around mychildren if they're going to be
using.
I prefer them sober.
And then I have to make adecision, as I've talked about
in the past, that says, youknow, if they're choosing to do
these things, I can haveboundaries.
And I talked about this in thesupport group last night.
You can have boundaries thatsay, don't drink in my house,
(14:32):
or, you know, you can, but don'tgo overboard, or you know, what
you get to decide what that isfor you.
You get to decide because thisis all about you coming back to
yourself and how it feels foryou.
And I've just made a decisionthat I will share with my kids
exactly what I think, but Ican't control their behavior.
And so I want to um I want tobe present with them for where
(14:58):
they are.
But when I was with Bodie inAsheville, I could feel his
addict growing.
And I thought to myself, oof,I'm not sure where this is gonna
go.
And so I said to him while wewere in Asheville, I said,
(15:19):
seeing you smoke weed like thisagain is really concerning to
me.
And he said, I know, I know.
It's I'm just on a season, thisisn't forever, you know, I've
had a lot of stress lately.
It's just, you know, how I takecare of that stress and don't
worry about me, and I've gotthis.
And you know, that that is thatis the truth of how they feel
in that moment.
And I think part of the thingthat can be so hard is how to
(15:42):
detach our crystal ball, as Richcalls it.
You know, he'll often say,like, I had a crystal ball about
this.
Well, the crystal ball might beright.
It might actually mean thatthey're gonna have to hit some
pretty intense wall.
But when we keep them fromhitting that wall by trying to
save them from a bottom, wemight be keeping them from the
(16:06):
bottom that they need to savethemselves.
And so as this currentsituation is happening with
Bodhi, a lot of really umincredible things are happening
that are both hard and andprofoundly beautiful and and
different than ever I would havedealt with it before.
One is that I'm present inmyself in a way that is um
(16:32):
empowered, strong, at the sametime incredibly compassionate,
open.
I want to hear what he has tosay, but I also am holding truth
and saying it like it is, youknow, this thing that you're
dealing with right now, you gotyourself here.
You and your addict, you didthis.
(16:53):
And whatever the consequencesare, you get to be the one who
is gonna figure this out.
You get to decide in thiscrossroads whether you're going
to pick one direction or theother.
And I have a direction I'd likeyou to pick because I'm on that
direction and it works reallywell for me.
And I cannot even imagine mylife now if I put a drink to my
(17:18):
lips.
I I'd ruin everything.
But I can't make him make thatchoice of what the crossroads
is.
And that hurts.
And that goes to the commentthat was in the meeting last
night, right?
So she's saying, I'm seeing allthese beautiful things
happening to him, and he'sreally working really hard on
himself, and yet he's makingthis decision.
(17:40):
And it's hard to watch.
But just like I'm alwaysencouraging us to look more at
what's working and the soulthat's behind there, and to
cheerlead that part and thenspeak to the cloak, the attic
part, in in a way where you'reit's almost like when you're
(18:02):
talking to kids, they alwayssay, talk to the behavior and
not the child.
If you tell a child they'rebad, they're hearing you say
they're bad.
But if you say, when you dothis behavior, this does not
work for us.
You can't hit your sister.
It's not that you're bad,right?
(18:23):
But hitting your sister is notacceptable.
And we need to do the samething when we talk about what
happens when people are using.
When you make this choice, whenyou decide.
I've had a couple comments, um,just very few that have said
something along the lines of onthe YouTube podcast, you know,
(18:44):
talking about people beingaddicts.
I don't think they can make achoice when they get so far in
their addiction.
I think it gets harder andharder to differentiate that
choice.
But I was pretty far down therein my addiction.
And even though it consumed meand I was completely controlled
by it, there was a choice that Imade every day.
(19:04):
And I do think it gets much,much harder the further down you
go because the chemicals beginto do what they do to our
brains.
But there is this level ofhaving to take responsibility,
which is why I think AA has someof the intensity that it has,
(19:24):
is because you have to see howself shit is and how
self-seeking it is to be inaddiction and how it negatively
affects the people around you.
It's profound about how itaffects the people around you
when people are really inaddiction.
And so this is the piece, andI'm gonna do another um episode
(19:45):
that'll be on not um not havingto live the consequences of
other people's actions.
Because right now, I justreally want to speak to the
parents who are in situationswhere you love your children and
they are making decisions.
And how do we attend toourselves?
(20:06):
As this has been playing outwith Bodhi, I've been very
forthright with him.
And at the same time saying, Ilove you.
At the same time saying youhave to take responsibility for
the actions that you are makingdecisions to choose.
And there are choices to bemade that will give you
(20:27):
information that you'll learnfrom, you'll grow from.
There is something here to belearned, and you can get over
addiction.
It does not have to consumeyou.
There is a choice, but I can'tcontrol him to make that choice.
So when you're with people whoare using, the key is that the
(20:51):
boundaries are really aroundwhat we're gonna do.
If you have somebody who is inthe middle of using and and it
doesn't feel good to you, youcan have a boundary that says, I
can't be around you when you'redrunk or when you're using.
Now that may mean that youdon't have a relationship with
them because when people arereally in their addiction, it
(21:12):
seems like you're asking them tonot breathe.
But you get to decide if thatis okay with you.
But on the other hand, ifyou're making a choice to have a
relationship with somebody, andyou can see in the crystal ball
down the road that it is notgoing to go well for them, if we
do that from a compassionatespace where we understand that
(21:33):
that may be what their soulneeds to learn whatever they
need to learn or whatever it is,whatever that wall or that
bottom that they have to hit,that we stop trying to control
and fix and save them.
But then we're present in thatmoment.
And in those moments, there'sthis opportunity to not count
the drinks, not be obsessingabout what's happening in the
(21:57):
future, not be pissed about whathappened before, but just to be
present because this moment isthe only moment that we have.
And again, it comes back to howare we feeling in our own
bodies, and so much of thisopportunity for us to step into
(22:18):
our own recover your souljourney, to step into our own
journey of what we're learningabout ourselves and healing
ourselves.
One of the other beautifulthings that happened in this
situation is Rich and I are onthe same page.
We are not fighting, we are nottriangulating, we are not in
battle with each other.
And you know, if you've beenlistening to the podcast, that
(22:40):
is one of the biggest wins thatI could ever offer is that
instead of calling my husband infear of something, I called him
and I said, Here's what's goingon.
And he jumped in in his placeof his recover your soul self.
And we came together to be ableto look at it from a more
(23:05):
compassionate, healed whole way.
That is success.
That's the only thing I havecontrol of.
That is literally the onlything I have control of how I
show up.
And I'm grateful that mypartner is showing up in the
same way.
And so even if we have thecrystal ball that says, oh my
God, if you can't finally decidethat the drinking is not going
(23:27):
to work for you, there is somuch benefit in rewarding the
lessons and the awarenesses andthe connection that they're
having with their soul.
Because this is a lifelongjourney for all of us to
understand and love ourselvesand stand in our worthiness, to
remember our wholeness.
And as a parent, whether yourkids are newborns and you're
(23:52):
looking in their littleincredibly innocent, beautiful
eyes, or you are looking atsomebody who now is your peer.
You know, we have children whenwe're so young, and then they
get to a place where you'relike, oh, you know, my son's 50.
I'm I'm 70.
You know, it's very much thesame.
(24:13):
These are they're they're notour children anymore, but they
will always be our children.
But we have to let them havetheir experience and take
responsibility for the choicesand the decisions they make and
have the most strength withinyourself to have loving
detachment and to witness from aplace of compassion and to
(24:38):
attend to yourself, to attend toyourself and your soul recovery
journey.
So this is gonna unfold, andI'm sure I will share more with
you.
But instead of it being acalamity, I feel like this is a
crossroads that needed to come.
(24:59):
And I'm actually really proudof my son and how he's standing
in it in this moment today, inthis second.
And, you know, I don't havehope in that way of hope of
thinking, oh, this will be themagic fairy dust to sprinkle
over it to take care of itforever.
What I have hope in is aknowing that this soul is
(25:23):
invested in his well-being andhis life.
And I want to see him fully forexactly who he is: the light,
the shadow, the parts, all theparts.
And I want to be a support tohim so that he can use this as a
learning tool to do what's bestand right for him moving
forward, to be able to live alife that is free and happy and
(25:49):
has as much ease and leastchallenge as possible.
But I just have to let him findhis way.
Until next time, Namaste.
Thank you for listening, and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover Your Soul
(26:09):
Bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple Podcast
subscribers.
And not only do you get anincredible interview or book
study that comes with being partof that community, but your
subscribing helps support thispodcast and the Recover Your
Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(26:29):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
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Visit the websiterecoveryousoul.net or check out
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events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
(26:51):
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
As a parent, watching our adult
children go through addiction isincredibly, incredibly painful.
And I think that what we'relearning in our letting go of
codependency, our entanglementwith our adult children is how
to attend to our own feelingsand to learn to be present for
them in their experience withloving detachment and in a way
(00:22):
that offers support withoutcontrol.
And it is a balance.
But each one of us has anopportunity as we're watching
them to step more fully into ourown recover your soul process.
And from that space, we canactually be present for them to
experience and go throughwhatever it is that they need to
(00:44):
experience and go through tolearn more about themselves and
hopefully eventually choose asofter, more healed way.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover YourSoul podcast, a spiritual path
to a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
I started Recover Your Soulafter having profound changes in
(01:07):
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency, and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our interchange and
(01:30):
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover YourSoul Podcast and community.
I'm Red Rachel.
I'm so grateful that you'rehere with me today.
And if you're new and maybe youfound this podcast by just
searching a title that inspiredyou and you're beginning to get
some information, I'm so gladyou found us.
(01:52):
I feel like it's by no mistakethat people find this community.
And if you're coming back timeand time again, I'm so grateful
to be able to, I'm honoredreally to be part of this
journey with you where we'relearning how to recover our
souls.
We're learning how to be okaywhen the people and the
circumstances around us arecomplicated and painful and
(02:13):
difficult.
And last night we had our oncea month, it's the first Monday
of every month, soul recoverysupport group.
It's free and on Zoom.
And we have anything from, Idon't know, 30 to 50 people on
average that come every month.
And it's just such a beautifulconnection with people.
And maybe if you've been to anAl-Anon meeting or an AA meeting
(02:34):
or another kind of 12-stepmeeting, it's not really like
that.
It's really its own specialgroup.
And what I like to do is haveus come together.
And then I often will pick atopic of soul recovery,
something that we talk about,and then we break into small
groups.
And sometimes I just do a peerquestion and answer.
(02:54):
What's going on?
What can I address?
How can I be of support to you?
And that's what we did lastnight was we had all of us
together.
And then I asked a couplequestions about what people
wanted to talk about.
And we talked about thosethings.
And then I thought, oh, that'llbe really good.
I'll use those as ways to havetopics of communication and
(03:15):
conversation here in thepodcast.
Because if somebody in thegroup is thinking it, that means
that we're all thinking it.
And that's the beauty of havingthousands of people who are in
this space listening at the sametime as we resonate together.
So I wanted to talk about oneof the questions that was
brought up in terms of children.
This one's going to be aboutchildren who are in their own
(03:36):
recovery journey and how to beparents in that space.
And as it is in life, and thereason why I think you resonate
so much with me is because I'mwilling to share my own journey.
And as soon as I was thinkingthat that's what I would talk
about today, something prettysubstantial happened with Bodhi
(03:58):
in the last 24 hours that that'sreally a crossroads for him.
And so I can talk about it alittle bit.
I can share with you what umwhat I can at this time because
I do need to keep his life asprivate as I can and honor his
own experience.
But I want to talk about itfrom my experience because I
think it resonates so much withwhat was brought up in the
(04:20):
meeting last night.
So this was a client who I haveworked with um a little bit.
So I knew the situation withher and her adult son, who is
divorced, has kids, is, youknow, a grown, grown man.
And the uh consequences of hisaddiction are part of what were
the downfall of his marriage.
(04:41):
And he's gone through a lot ofhardship and he's having to
really work on bettering himselfand having a better life.
And what she was saying is thatwhat's hard is that he's
decided that he doesn't want toquit drinking, quit drinking,
that he thinks that he canmanage and do some drinking.
And that's really hard for herbecause she can see the steps
(05:03):
that he's taking.
She can see the improvementsthat are happening, she can see
how there's good thingshappening within him, and yet he
won't make this final decisionto stop drinking, drinking.
And so what I talked about lastnight is that we have this part
of us that we're learning inrecover your soul how to how to
stop trying to controleverything.
(05:25):
But it doesn't mean that youdon't have your feelings.
And I talked a lot about thislast night that if we can step
out of their experience and moveinto what it is for us, what it
feels like to us, then that'swhere our real work is because
we are powerless over what theydecide.
We're powerless over thechoices that they make, we're
(05:47):
powerless over whether theydecide they want to be sober,
whether they want to get well,whether they see that it's a
problem, we're powerless overtheir addiction.
I mean, there's so many thingsthat we can use step two in soul
recovery, that tool to let goof the grip on us that we think,
ah, I know what I'm gonna do.
This is what I'm gonna do, thisis how I'm gonna fix it, this
(06:08):
is this is the answer.
And if he would just stop doingthis, then that would happen.
But it feels a certain way tous, and especially if you have
children who are struggling withaddiction, it feels hard.
And it's gonna make me crybecause these feelings are
(06:28):
really important to allowyourself to be scared and to
grieve and to wish for it to besomething different.
I don't I don't think youshould ever take away the fact
that it feels really hard.
Because when we don't feel ourfeelings, we get obsessed with
their situation and theirchoices and their circumstance.
(06:51):
And if we look at it from therecover your soul perspective,
we begin to look at the truththat being here in these bodies
as souls is really complicated.
And when I was struggling in myown addiction, what I can tell
(07:12):
you is that letting go ofsomething that felt like the
solution and felt like the onlysolace that I had at times to
either have fun or to dampen howI felt or to have that moment
of euphoria of where just for aminute it didn't feel so hard or
so scary.
I get it.
And I think that's part of whatallows me to be present with my
(07:36):
own children in a way that umthat sometimes sometimes may not
um be able to hold the otherplace where it's like, you know,
get over it, just stop.
Because I know, I know thatit's useless to demand that they
stop.
(07:56):
But I hope that I can bepresent with them in each moment
to exactly where they are.
Because one of the things aboutbeing a parent, and this is
what started to make me cry, iswe held them in our arms when
they were little babies.
And we saw the perfection ofwho they are.
(08:16):
And I think that there's a lotof beauty around how innocent we
are when we're little.
And even as toddlers, you know,there's this rambunctiousness,
there's this wildness that thenwe train down, you know,
sometimes in better ways,sometimes in not so great ways.
And they're creating their ownbelief systems, they're creating
(08:39):
their own world in which theysee through, they're creating
their own patterns, their ownstories of who they are.
And in some ways, we have beenbeautiful offerings of letting
them see how wonderful and howloved they are.
And sometimes out of our ownignorance or our own dysfunction
(09:00):
or our own attempt even to dothe right thing, we have given
them stories that they get tospend a lifetime working on.
And so then as adults, I thinkthat we do the codependent thing
where we we want to fixpotentially what we created harm
for, or fix the parts where wesee that they don't see
(09:22):
themselves or they don't lovethemselves enough, and the
reason why they would fall backinto addiction, or you know, we
want to save it and fix it forthem.
God knows I do.
I do.
But what I'm grateful for inRecover Your Soul is that
there's this ability to stepback just enough to love them so
(09:49):
unconditionally that we canbelieve that everything is
working out for them too.
And you know that over the lastcouple months or whatever I've
been talking about it, um, Ishared that Bodhi had fallen off
of his strict sobriety that hehad been on for about six
(10:10):
months.
And when I went to go visitAlex and his girlfriend and
little Rocky when he was twomonths old, I was pretty
devastated and heartbroken whenI saw that Bodhi was drinking
again.
And I had to lean reallyheavily into this work that
we're doing, which is not topretend like nothing's
(10:31):
happening, and it's also not tonot say anything.
And I I want you to know thatwe don't have to say it perfect.
And in and it isn't actuallyabout saying exactly the right
words, because if we think we'regoing to say just the right
words, we're actually incontrol.
We're attempting to control.
But it's about saying the wordsfrom this place of loving
(10:53):
detachment where we are so inour hearts and we are seeing the
purity of who they are in theirshining light.
And we're knowing that theaddiction is a cloak, as I like
to call it.
It's like you're either it'sthis identity or this cover that
they're wearing over themselvesthat is whatever it is.
(11:16):
And it is a very uh difficultcloak to remove, having been
somebody who drank until I was45 years old, 48, sorry, give
myself even three more years, 48years old.
You know, why why did I keepdoing that?
You know, I never I never hadto hit the wall that was so
(11:39):
horrific.
You know, I never got a DUI, Inever landed in jail, I never
killed somebody while I wasdriving, all the things that I
could have very easily done.
I didn't lose a job, although Iwas a horrible employee for a
while at a job.
So when you really look at likewhat does it take to get to a
(12:00):
place where you hit a wallthat's so hard?
And why do we have to hit thosewalls that are so hard?
And when you look at your kids,you're like, isn't that the
bottom?
Isn't that a wall that's hardenough?
Like, haven't you hit a placethat's enough that you want to
do something different?
And those are those arelegitimate questions to a place
where we're trying to controlit.
(12:22):
We're we're wanting it to bedifferent.
That's suffering.
The suffering is the clinging,the wishing, the wanting, the
demanding.
When I speak to my kids, I'mpretty honest about what I think
and how I'm afraid.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery?
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoul.net to learn
(12:43):
more about the nine-step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you.
But you can also choose to workthe steps on your own with
(13:04):
individual modules intended tosupport you to work at your own
pace and on your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover Your Soul Bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
Podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
(13:27):
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links, and
registration for everything.
So when we went to Ashevillefor the retreat and I spent a
couple days with Bodhi, I sharedwith you that um there he was.
I'm hanging out with him again,and he's, you know, he said,
Well, I'm not drinking rightnow, but he was smoking weed.
(13:49):
And I looked at my child withjust love in my heart, and I
just was as present as I couldbe with him in that moment with
trying to do these practices ofnot judging, not wanting to be
different, not um being againstit, but recognizing how it makes
(14:10):
me feel.
I prefer to not be around mychildren if they're going to be
using.
I prefer them sober.
And then I have to make adecision, as I've talked about
in the past, that says, youknow, if they're choosing to do
these things, I can haveboundaries.
And I talked about this in thesupport group last night.
You can have boundaries thatsay, don't drink in my house,
(14:32):
or, you know, you can, but don'tgo overboard, or you know, what
you get to decide what that isfor you.
You get to decide because thisis all about you coming back to
yourself and how it feels foryou.
And I've just made a decisionthat I will share with my kids
exactly what I think, but Ican't control their behavior.
And so I want to um I want tobe present with them for where
(14:58):
they are.
But when I was with Bodie inAsheville, I could feel his
addict growing.
And I thought to myself, oof,I'm not sure where this is gonna
go.
And so I said to him while wewere in Asheville, I said,
(15:19):
seeing you smoke weed like thisagain is really concerning to
me.
And he said, I know, I know.
It's I'm just on a season, thisisn't forever, you know, I've
had a lot of stress lately.
It's just, you know, how I takecare of that stress and don't
worry about me, and I've gotthis.
And you know, that that is thatis the truth of how they feel
in that moment.
And I think part of the thingthat can be so hard is how to
(15:42):
detach our crystal ball, as Richcalls it.
You know, he'll often say,like, I had a crystal ball about
this.
Well, the crystal ball might beright.
It might actually mean thatthey're gonna have to hit some
pretty intense wall.
But when we keep them fromhitting that wall by trying to
save them from a bottom, wemight be keeping them from the
(16:06):
bottom that they need to savethemselves.
And so as this currentsituation is happening with
Bodhi, a lot of really umincredible things are happening
that are both hard and andprofoundly beautiful and and
different than ever I would havedealt with it before.
One is that I'm present inmyself in a way that is um
(16:32):
empowered, strong, at the sametime incredibly compassionate,
open.
I want to hear what he has tosay, but I also am holding truth
and saying it like it is, youknow, this thing that you're
dealing with right now, you gotyourself here.
You and your addict, you didthis.
(16:53):
And whatever the consequencesare, you get to be the one who
is gonna figure this out.
You get to decide in thiscrossroads whether you're going
to pick one direction or theother.
And I have a direction I'd likeyou to pick because I'm on that
direction and it works reallywell for me.
And I cannot even imagine mylife now if I put a drink to my
(17:18):
lips.
I I'd ruin everything.
But I can't make him make thatchoice of what the crossroads
is.
And that hurts.
And that goes to the commentthat was in the meeting last
night, right?
So she's saying, I'm seeing allthese beautiful things
happening to him, and he'sreally working really hard on
himself, and yet he's makingthis decision.
(17:40):
And it's hard to watch.
But just like I'm alwaysencouraging us to look more at
what's working and the soulthat's behind there, and to
cheerlead that part and thenspeak to the cloak, the attic
part, in in a way where you'reit's almost like when you're
(18:02):
talking to kids, they alwayssay, talk to the behavior and
not the child.
If you tell a child they'rebad, they're hearing you say
they're bad.
But if you say, when you dothis behavior, this does not
work for us.
You can't hit your sister.
It's not that you're bad,right?
(18:23):
But hitting your sister is notacceptable.
And we need to do the samething when we talk about what
happens when people are using.
When you make this choice, whenyou decide.
I've had a couple comments, um,just very few that have said
something along the lines of onthe YouTube podcast, you know,
(18:44):
talking about people beingaddicts.
I don't think they can make achoice when they get so far in
their addiction.
I think it gets harder andharder to differentiate that
choice.
But I was pretty far down therein my addiction.
And even though it consumed meand I was completely controlled
by it, there was a choice that Imade every day.
(19:04):
And I do think it gets much,much harder the further down you
go because the chemicals beginto do what they do to our
brains.
But there is this level ofhaving to take responsibility,
which is why I think AA has someof the intensity that it has,
(19:24):
is because you have to see howself shit is and how
self-seeking it is to be inaddiction and how it negatively
affects the people around you.
It's profound about how itaffects the people around you
when people are really inaddiction.
And so this is the piece, andI'm gonna do another um episode
(19:45):
that'll be on not um not havingto live the consequences of
other people's actions.
Because right now, I justreally want to speak to the
parents who are in situationswhere you love your children and
they are making decisions.
And how do we attend toourselves?
(20:06):
As this has been playing outwith Bodhi, I've been very
forthright with him.
And at the same time saying, Ilove you.
At the same time saying youhave to take responsibility for
the actions that you are makingdecisions to choose.
And there are choices to bemade that will give you
(20:27):
information that you'll learnfrom, you'll grow from.
There is something here to belearned, and you can get over
addiction.
It does not have to consumeyou.
There is a choice, but I can'tcontrol him to make that choice.
So when you're with people whoare using, the key is that the
(20:51):
boundaries are really aroundwhat we're gonna do.
If you have somebody who is inthe middle of using and and it
doesn't feel good to you, youcan have a boundary that says, I
can't be around you when you'redrunk or when you're using.
Now that may mean that youdon't have a relationship with
them because when people arereally in their addiction, it
(21:12):
seems like you're asking them tonot breathe.
But you get to decide if thatis okay with you.
But on the other hand, ifyou're making a choice to have a
relationship with somebody, andyou can see in the crystal ball
down the road that it is notgoing to go well for them, if we
do that from a compassionatespace where we understand that
(21:33):
that may be what their soulneeds to learn whatever they
need to learn or whatever it is,whatever that wall or that
bottom that they have to hit,that we stop trying to control
and fix and save them.
But then we're present in thatmoment.
And in those moments, there'sthis opportunity to not count
the drinks, not be obsessingabout what's happening in the
(21:57):
future, not be pissed about whathappened before, but just to be
present because this moment isthe only moment that we have.
And again, it comes back to howare we feeling in our own
bodies, and so much of thisopportunity for us to step into
(22:18):
our own recover your souljourney, to step into our own
journey of what we're learningabout ourselves and healing
ourselves.
One of the other beautifulthings that happened in this
situation is Rich and I are onthe same page.
We are not fighting, we are nottriangulating, we are not in
battle with each other.
And you know, if you've beenlistening to the podcast, that
(22:40):
is one of the biggest wins thatI could ever offer is that
instead of calling my husband infear of something, I called him
and I said, Here's what's goingon.
And he jumped in in his placeof his recover your soul self.
And we came together to be ableto look at it from a more
(23:05):
compassionate, healed whole way.
That is success.
That's the only thing I havecontrol of.
That is literally the onlything I have control of how I
show up.
And I'm grateful that mypartner is showing up in the
same way.
And so even if we have thecrystal ball that says, oh my
God, if you can't finally decidethat the drinking is not going
(23:27):
to work for you, there is somuch benefit in rewarding the
lessons and the awarenesses andthe connection that they're
having with their soul.
Because this is a lifelongjourney for all of us to
understand and love ourselvesand stand in our worthiness, to
remember our wholeness.
And as a parent, whether yourkids are newborns and you're
(23:52):
looking in their littleincredibly innocent, beautiful
eyes, or you are looking atsomebody who now is your peer.
You know, we have children whenwe're so young, and then they
get to a place where you'relike, oh, you know, my son's 50.
I'm I'm 70.
You know, it's very much thesame.
(24:13):
These are they're they're notour children anymore, but they
will always be our children.
But we have to let them havetheir experience and take
responsibility for the choicesand the decisions they make and
have the most strength withinyourself to have loving
detachment and to witness from aplace of compassion and to
(24:38):
attend to yourself, to attend toyourself and your soul recovery
journey.
So this is gonna unfold, andI'm sure I will share more with
you.
But instead of it being acalamity, I feel like this is a
crossroads that needed to come.
(24:59):
And I'm actually really proudof my son and how he's standing
in it in this moment today, inthis second.
And, you know, I don't havehope in that way of hope of
thinking, oh, this will be themagic fairy dust to sprinkle
over it to take care of itforever.
What I have hope in is aknowing that this soul is
(25:23):
invested in his well-being andhis life.
And I want to see him fully forexactly who he is: the light,
the shadow, the parts, all theparts.
And I want to be a support tohim so that he can use this as a
learning tool to do what's bestand right for him moving
forward, to be able to live alife that is free and happy and
(25:49):
has as much ease and leastchallenge as possible.
But I just have to let him findhis way.
Until next time, Namaste.
Thank you for listening, and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover Your Soul
(26:09):
Bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple Podcast
subscribers.
And not only do you get anincredible interview or book
study that comes with being partof that community, but your
subscribing helps support thispodcast and the Recover Your
Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
(26:29):
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiterecoveryousoul.net or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars, and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
(26:51):
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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