December 23, 2024 • 31 mins
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In this episode of Recover Your Soul, we dive into the transformative power of compassionate detachment within the complexities of family dynamics. The holidays often bring heightened emotions, expectations, and the resurfacing of old wounds. Through the lens of Soul Recovery, we explore how to let go of control, not from weakness, but from a place of strength, choosing love and acceptance over fear and fixing. Together, we’ll uncover how to maintain connection without enabling, and how to show up in our relationships as our most centered, whole selves.
Whether you’re navigating strained relationships, dealing with addiction or dysfunction in your family, or simply seeking more peace in this season, this episode offers practical insights and spiritual tools to reclaim your power and embrace a compassionate, heart-centered way of being. Let’s heal ourse
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Episode Transcript
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Rev Rachel Harrison (00:00):
In soul recovery we're learning to let
go of control, and not from apowerless place, but actually
from strength, to recognize thatwe've been giving our power
away by needing everybody elseto be okay, for us to be okay
and detachment continues to be avery important part of this but
it's got lots of layers.
Do you continue to have arelationship with somebody?
(00:20):
Do you not have a relationship?
What happens if they have kids?
How do you stay connectedwithout enabling?
That's the topic of ourconversation today.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
(00:41):
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
(01:03):
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast and community.
It's Rev Rachel and I am sograteful that we're all here
together today.
If you're listening to this onthe date of its airing, it is
(01:25):
Christmas week 2024,.
The Monday of Christmas weekand this time in the holidays is
complex.
There's a lot of emotionswrapped around it.
There's a lot of desires of howwe wish it could be.
There's a lot of familyexpectations.
There's a lot of pain thatmight be from past situations.
There might be fears of whatit's going to be like.
(01:48):
There might be grief aroundwhat it isn't.
So one of the things that Iwanted to really chat more about
, which is such a fundamentalpiece of soul recovery, is
around detachment, control andwhat we do have control of,
which is us, which is how we'reshowing up, which is how we feel
it being in our soul recoveredspace.
(02:12):
This holiday, rich and I aregoing to be jumping in our Mazda
, pulling a vintage kind ofsuper funky camper that Rich has
been working on and that we hadin the past, that had a
complete accident and then he'srebuilding it in a new way, and
we're going to be driving out toSanta Cruz where we're going to
be meeting up with Alex andBodie.
(02:34):
Alex and his partner, who iscoming along in her pregnancy
they're due at the end ofFebruary with a little boy and
they're coming from Sacramentoand then we're going to all meet
in Santa Cruz where Bodie lives, get an Airbnb, my mom's flying
in and we're going to just havethese five days together.
And you know, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about
(02:56):
yesterday is this will be thefirst time that we have all been
together as adults, sober bychoice.
We've been together soberbefore, but it's when the boys
were on DUIs or had other thingsgoing on, and so it wasn't that
they were sober by choice.
And this realization that I hadthat this would be the first
(03:20):
time that, by choice, as adults,we were going to be in the same
place After.
If you've listened to thepodcast over the last couple of
years, you've heard me talkabout these stories of us all
being together and those boysbeing just totally hammered the
entire time.
And even the last episode thatI had with Alex, just after 420,
(03:42):
he was stoned at the time thatwe did the interview.
So this idea that I realizedhadn't even come to me until
yesterday, this awareness of howbeautiful this is and at the
same time, I have to not hold onto that expectation that want
to control that piece of me thatwants it to be a certain way
(04:04):
right.
So that was just kind of anaside, something that's exciting
and at the same time I have tohold lightly, because I know for
sure that Bodhi is really solidin his sobriety right now and
Alex is a little more in the 95percentile.
So he's sober because he foundout that he was going to be a
(04:26):
dad and that really sort ofswitched something in him.
And he's going to talk whileI'm in California.
We're going to do an episodetogether so he can share more
about his journey.
But I also just want to reallystep into that place of of
wholeness and really taking ourpower back.
You know, really like allowingourselves to understand how we
(04:51):
can show up in our families andhow, even when it's complex or
chaotic, how much energy weactually can send out that is
positive how much control weactually have of ourself.
Right, we're powerless overeverything else, but we have
control of ourself.
And I'm also swirling around myhead as I'm trying to allow
(05:16):
spirit to come in and take overand share.
What it wants to share with youis a comment that I got
recently on the text me.
You can go into the show notesand it says send a one way text.
I don't know who it comes from.
I have no information unlessyou sign your name but it had a
note about not knowing how todetach, because detaching might
(05:39):
mean that they might not seetheir grandchild.
And I wanted to sort of bringthis in, because I've had a lot
of people that I've both workedwith and that have either
emailed or commented throughSpotify comments there's a lot
of different ways to getinformation to me, so I know
what's going on with you aroundthese complexities of detaching,
(06:01):
from where there's a lot ofdysfunction or addiction, and
then there's grandkids, right.
So, being that I'm going to bea grandma here in a minute, I
get it and I want to sort ofwrap all that up together.
So let's just see what spirithas in charge for us.
So I'll just sort of tap in tomy heart here.
(06:22):
What I really feel like isreally trying to come out.
And it's funny because even as Isay these things, even as these
concepts flow through me, I'mreminded, as I've been saying
(06:43):
recently, that this isn't aboutme giving you something that you
don't already have.
This is about me reminding youof what you already know, and
detachment is this key wordwhich has been so powerful in
the soul recovery process and,as I've been doing, the five
(07:03):
levels of attachment in thebonus episodes on Patreon and as
Apple podcast subscribers it'sbeen giving me more and more
clarity around the fact thatdetachment is not necessarily a
physical thing.
Right, there is a lot going onright now around not having
communication and blockingpeople and having no contact.
(07:23):
There's a lot going on rightnow around not having
communication and blockingpeople and having no contact.
There's a whole movement rightnow because it's not just like
the olden days where you eithershowed up for Christmas or you
didn't, or you wrote letters oryou didn't, or you called or you
didn't, or you called or youdidn't.
(07:47):
Now there's so much aroundsocial media and how we are in
each other's business all thetime, even by being a voyeur
into their business.
You know, one of the thingsthat I laugh about is I try to
believe that I'm giving my kidsa lot of space to be adults, to
have their own lives and maketheir own choices and spend as
much time as I can really tuninginto myself and my own
(08:08):
well-being, being responsiblefor how I feel what is my soul
recovery.
But the truth is, with Bodhi,particularly because he is
already an influencer and aprofessional athlete.
He's on social media all thetime, so I have access to him,
and that's true for so manypeople in so many ways, even if
(08:31):
they're somebody who's wellknown versus somebody who's not.
There's access to everybody inall these ways.
So it's gotten very complicated.
Around what does this distancingmean?
What I want to really impart inthis concept around how we take
(08:52):
our power back, how we stand inour center, in our soul
recovered center.
The foundation of soul recoveryis this awareness that we are
powerless over everythingoutside of ourself, but not from
a place of like weakpowerlessness.
It's from a place that says Itrust and believe and know that
(09:16):
things are working out in a flow, that we are here as souls.
You know my teachings as aspiritual teacher is that our
souls came into this lifetimefor its experience to connect
and to interact with other soulstoo, and that if we think that
(09:38):
we know everything within ourmind of how everything is
supposed to be working, we'reactually dismissing an entire
universe of how things go.
There's so much more, and ifyou start looking at quantum
physics and consciousness andall of the studies that are
(10:01):
happening and all theawarenesses that are starting to
be more and more streamlinedall the time.
It's because it's it's reallyevolving to have this clarity
that we are these beings who, ofcourse, our minds, have
interpreted, through our littlebrain, computers, how the world
(10:23):
works and we have a desire tocontrol and to fix and to manage
, because in the olden days wehad to make sure we had food and
we had shelter and we were, youknow, safe from the bears, and
none of that is happeninganymore.
I keep thinking about how reallyshort time is and that these
(10:44):
lifetimes that we're in, youknow, I used to think a 54 year
old person was ancient.
Well, I'm 54 now and I barelyfeel like I just got started.
You know the lifetime's overright when you start to figure
it out.
But if we look on this largersoul spectrum kind of going out
there today, this larger soulspectrum, you start to recognize
(11:05):
that there's more than we canpossibly understand.
To recognize that there's morethan we can possibly understand
and in that, when you let go ofcontrol, when you recognize that
you're powerless over thethings that are happening around
you, you can begin to trust insomething even greater still.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery.
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
(11:27):
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you, but you can
also choose to work the steps onyour own, with individual
(11:48):
modules intended to support youto work at your own pace and on
your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
Podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
(12:11):
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode Now.
What does that mean?
If you have a lot of stuffgoing on in your family or even
a lot of stuff in the world andI've talked about this in other
podcast episodes when we talkabout politics or we talk about
(12:37):
disasters, or you know all thisstuff that's happening.
What I want us to look at todayis I want us to look at our
families, because this is whereour hearts are, this is where
our experience is, and you mayhave a child who is an adult,
who is making choices that isvery difficult to see.
(12:57):
And then you have theirchildren, whether they're little
or whether they're older, andwe want to come in and we want
to save and we want to fix, andwe want to make it so that it's
not hard for everybody.
And we want to come in and wewant to save and we want to fix,
and we want to make it so thatit's not hard for everybody.
And the guidance continues tocome so crystal clear that as
(13:18):
you hold your center, as youstand in your knowing that you
too are resourced and held andhave everything that you need.
And I used to think peacemakermeant that I needed to make the
peace in the family, but what Isee now is that I am making the
(13:38):
peace within myself, I am makingmy own peace and that when I
stand in that knowing that I'mmaking my own peace and I stay
in my heart, and I stay in myheart and I stay open and I have
compassion for where everyone'sat and I stop trying to be on
top of the rock, as I call it,and in everybody else's sticky
(14:00):
business, making sure thateverybody's okay, I'm actually
radiating out an energy and alove that allows people to relax
and in that there's more of anopportunity for them to step in
in a healthier way.
So when you have grandkids, itmay be that you can't do the
(14:23):
detachment on the level that's ano contact detachment.
Detachment doesn't mean nocontact.
Detachment is actually aninternal way of being with
yourself.
It's an internal releasing andletting go of this belief that
it is our responsibility to takecare of, to fix, to change.
(14:45):
That's the suffering.
The suffering is the piece thatsays I don't like it, like this
.
The acceptance says I see thatit is, I see that it is and I
allow myself to detach fromthinking that I have to fix,
(15:06):
change, save it.
When you have grandkids or whenyou have smaller kids and maybe
you have a husband who or awife who's actively in addiction
.
It isn't about allowing anybodyto harm anybody.
(15:27):
We will know how to step intosituations to do what is the
healthiest thing in thesituation.
But it's actually amazing how,when you can step into that
space.
From this higher vision, fromthis point of seeing the
complexity without all of thatsticky emotion and fear attached
(15:51):
to it, you actually give thoseother people, the younger people
, space to be in their feelings,which are complex, to give them
the ability to say out loud Idon't like this, I don't like
that, this is hard for me, outloud, I don't like this, I don't
(16:12):
like that, this is hard for me.
And it's not about fixing itfor them, it's about giving them
space to be able to say outloud I don't like it when and
you say, yeah, I can understandthat.
I see that you're witnessingsomebody else's feelings and
it's incredible how even youngkids have the capacity to be
able to figure out forthemselves what they would like
(16:34):
and what they would need.
Now is there truth that youngpeople can't hold the emotions
just like we couldn't understandor hold the emotions for
ourselves Absolutely?
And will they create systemswithin themselves and beliefs
just like we did?
That they'll have to unpacklater.
You bet they will.
Nobody gets to get past that.
(16:56):
That's part of being a humanbeing, that's part of how it all
works.
But when we actually are tryingto manage and fix and save them.
We're giving them the modelingthat says that they can't do it
for themselves, that they can'thold it for themselves.
So we always want to keep themsafe physically safe,
(17:19):
emotionally safe to our bestability, but we also need to
allow things to unfold in thenatural course of their events.
This goes back to the sevendetachments from Al-Anon to not
create a crisis, to not preventa crisis, to not suffer for
somebody else's life, for theirrecovery or for their choices
(17:41):
that they're making.
So, coming back to what isdetachment, there may be times
where it is healthier to have ano contact with somebody, and
then there'll be times whereyou're going to make a choice to
stay in contact so that you canhave these other things, maybe
(18:01):
so you can have access to yourgrandkids.
There's so many other reasonswhy maybe you have a spouse or
an ex-spouse who is recoveringor recovered or not recovered,
and you have kids in common.
So you know you have to havesome level of interaction with
those people and we arepowerless over how they are
(18:24):
showing up.
And the more that we get off ofthe belief that we are in charge
of how they're showing up, themore that we have strength to
show up, to show up how we'regoing to show up when we stay in
our heart, when you stay incompassion remember, empathy
means sometimes that we take onother people's feelings and then
(18:47):
we want to fix it for them.
When we stay in compassionwhich means I see how it feels
for you I recognize this isdifficult.
I see the choices that you'remaking.
It's sad and hard to see you dothis, but I'm not going to try
to fix it or change it for you.
I see the wholeness in you thatcompassion gives it to them to
(19:11):
hold.
And then when you're in asituation like I've kind of gone
off on a whole other directionbut sort of coming back to even
Christmas with my kids, rightnow I can watch the back of my
mind that wants to plan, wantsto organize, because that's the
kind of person I am and I'mactually really good at that
(19:32):
kind of stuff.
So it isn't about dismissingthe aspects of myself that are
good, but I want to be in thelevel of detachment that is
really connecting, really reallyembracing the family as all
being together.
I'm visualizing joy, I'mvisualizing laughter, I'm
visualizing us enjoying eachother.
(19:54):
I'm visualizing us beingrelaxed and at ease, because the
more that I control what mythoughts and feelings are, the
more that that is what I'mradiating out.
If I'm in a space where I'mlike I'm afraid that it's going
to be like this?
And what if Alex decides he'snot going to be sober?
And what if this is like this?
(20:14):
And what if my mom is like this?
And how do I manage everybody'sfeelings?
I'm actually increasing thatenergy.
Our lives are what we think andfeel and believe that they are.
What we experience on theoutside is reflection of how we
feel on the inside, and thischaos that is happening around
(20:36):
us, in our families inparticular, for many of us is
painful and it's okay to feelsadness, just like we're going
to be modeling.
For the younger kids to be ableto say this is hard.
It is hard if you have a dad ora mom who's making choices like
that, but, gosh, if you canhold space for them to also be
(20:59):
able to have compassion, youknow you don't judge.
You teach them to really tuneinto their own feelings and you
are the light in their life.
You are the unconditional love.
You are peace from a healthyplace, not from people pleasing
or fixing or codependency, butfrom modeling healthy behaviors,
(21:22):
behaviors when we hold ourstrength within ourselves, we
give permission for others to dothe same.
When we heal, we model forothers to do the same.
So whether you choose adetachment which means I
physically am setting a boundarythat says this doesn't work for
(21:44):
me, I am here, I love you, whenyou make other choices, I will
be so joyously happy and hopethat we can reestablish our
relationship or you have claritythat this really you need to
let them have their ownexperience.
Again, I have.
I work with people whose kidsare homeless and are really
(22:09):
making choices that are reallyhard and they've done every
single thing that they can tohelp them.
They have set up rehabs, theyhave, you know, gone through
hoops to try to help and at thispoint they're making the
choices that they're making.
And a lot of times that reallyneeds to be a detachment that
says I can't be running throughthis in my mind every single
(22:32):
night, or else I won't sleep, Ican't eat, I'm not well.
Those detachments of lovingsomebody enough, loving someone
enough to let them have theirexperience and then moving it
towards loving someone enoughthat, if they have family,
children, that you can stilllove them in that detached way,
(22:55):
with boundaries, with clarity,and to not engage the children,
just perpetuating the fear andthe dysfunction and the labeling
just perpetuating the fear andthe dysfunction and the labeling
and, at the same time, notallowing the enabling that can
happen.
To try to keep it all togetherand keep everybody together.
(23:16):
What I want you to know is thatit is complex and that it is
heartbreaking, but you have thestrength within you to be able
to navigate these difficult,difficult waters because you are
so strong, you have what youneed.
The more that we let go ofcontrol, the more we recognize
(23:39):
we are truly powerless overeverything outside of ourselves.
We're powerless over otherpeople's dysfunction and
addictions and we step into ourwholeness and we see them as
whole, regardless of how they'reacting.
And we stop judging and we stopfixing and we hold our heart
open.
(24:00):
Things tend to shift and peopleare given an opportunity to
stand in their own consequencesand, more than that, those
younger kids in our lives,whether we actually get to see
them physically or whether thereis complex relationships where
you don't get to be with themthe way that you'd like to.
(24:23):
You have connection on a levelthat's something we can't
understand and the more thatyour heart is in love instead of
fear.
Those energies are trulyraiding out to everybody, in
your family and in the worldaround us.
If we raise our consciousness,if we stay awake, if we can stay
(24:46):
awake in our soul recoveryjourney, there is so much that
comes from that that will, inthe end, offer healing and light
to those around us.
This is where you have thepower.
This is where the real richnessof your joy resides that,
(25:09):
regardless of what's happening,you can feel your feelings.
They're telling you something,but you can stand in your
knowing that you are held bysomething even greater still
that is indeed supporting youand loving you.
And if the others choose toopen their eyes, they too can
see that.
So the detachment gives us thestrength to be compassionate and
(25:34):
not enabling to becompassionate and not
controlling.
To stay in our heart and notclose, to stay conscious and
awake instead of withdraw andshut down, and all of that
models for others to do the same.
So I wish you a beautifulholiday season, regardless of
(25:56):
what you celebrate, and ifyou're in a situation where you
haven't put up decorations andyour heart is heavy, feel the
love of this communitysurrounding you and holding you,
and knowing that this, too,shall pass, and if you're in a
situation where you get to justbe present with what is,
regardless of what ourexpectations want it to be, love
(26:21):
it for what it is.
Each moment is indeed soprecious.
You never know what the nextday will bring, and the more
present you can be with what is,with grace and love and
compassionate, open heart, themore you have the ability to
truly see the beauty that isavailable past our
(26:44):
disappointments or our grief.
There's always a little jewelavailable in each moment, and I
intend to really just soak upthis trip.
Every part of me is wanting tolike fall into those old
patterns, because there's somany moving parts around work
(27:07):
and internet and where are wegoing to stay?
And then I just go, rachel,enjoy it.
It's an adventure.
Allow yourself to practicethese principles and to trust
and know and to be okay withwhatever is, to allow and accept
whatever is.
So I wish that for you too.
(27:30):
And, as always, working the ninestep soul recovery process is
something you can do on your ownby just listening to the
podcast.
Go to the website, read whatthe nine steps are, allow
yourself to just digest theseepisodes and allow it to move
through you.
This is all the wisdom that iswithin you.
Anyway, I'm not saying anythingthat isn't already out there
(27:53):
and in the cosmos of the wisdomteachings.
You can do the nine stepsyourself.
I've got the first two up ascourses on the website, or you
can work with me to actuallyhave me guide you and support
you on the nine steps.
I'm here for you.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
(28:17):
Thank you for listening and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers, and not only do youget an incredible interview or
book study that comes with beingpart of that community, but
your subscribing helps supportthis podcast and the Recover
(28:40):
your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
(29:01):
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
In soul recovery we're learning to let
go of control, and not from apowerless place, but actually
from strength, to recognize thatwe've been giving our power
away by needing everybody elseto be okay, for us to be okay
and detachment continues to be avery important part of this but
it's got lots of layers.
Do you continue to have arelationship with somebody?
(00:20):
Do you not have a relationship?
What happens if they have kids?
How do you stay connectedwithout enabling?
That's the topic of ourconversation today.
Enjoy the episode.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast a spiritual path to
a happy and healthy life.
My name is Reverend RachelHarrison.
(00:41):
I started Recover your Soulafter having profound changes in
my life from my recovery ofalcoholism, codependency and
control addiction.
I was guided to share the toolsand principles of spirituality
and soul recovery to help otherstransform their lives, as mine
was transformed.
For us to overcome externalcircumstances, we need to turn
(01:03):
the attention to ourselves,focusing on our inner change and
healing.
Positive results in our liveswill follow.
Welcome to the Recover yourSoul podcast and community.
It's Rev Rachel and I am sograteful that we're all here
together today.
If you're listening to this onthe date of its airing, it is
(01:25):
Christmas week 2024,.
The Monday of Christmas weekand this time in the holidays is
complex.
There's a lot of emotionswrapped around it.
There's a lot of desires of howwe wish it could be.
There's a lot of familyexpectations.
There's a lot of pain thatmight be from past situations.
There might be fears of whatit's going to be like.
(01:48):
There might be grief aroundwhat it isn't.
So one of the things that Iwanted to really chat more about
, which is such a fundamentalpiece of soul recovery, is
around detachment, control andwhat we do have control of,
which is us, which is how we'reshowing up, which is how we feel
it being in our soul recoveredspace.
(02:12):
This holiday, rich and I aregoing to be jumping in our Mazda
, pulling a vintage kind ofsuper funky camper that Rich has
been working on and that we hadin the past, that had a
complete accident and then he'srebuilding it in a new way, and
we're going to be driving out toSanta Cruz where we're going to
be meeting up with Alex andBodie.
(02:34):
Alex and his partner, who iscoming along in her pregnancy
they're due at the end ofFebruary with a little boy and
they're coming from Sacramentoand then we're going to all meet
in Santa Cruz where Bodie lives, get an Airbnb, my mom's flying
in and we're going to just havethese five days together.
And you know, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about
(02:56):
yesterday is this will be thefirst time that we have all been
together as adults, sober bychoice.
We've been together soberbefore, but it's when the boys
were on DUIs or had other thingsgoing on, and so it wasn't that
they were sober by choice.
And this realization that I hadthat this would be the first
(03:20):
time that, by choice, as adults,we were going to be in the same
place After.
If you've listened to thepodcast over the last couple of
years, you've heard me talkabout these stories of us all
being together and those boysbeing just totally hammered the
entire time.
And even the last episode thatI had with Alex, just after 420,
(03:42):
he was stoned at the time thatwe did the interview.
So this idea that I realizedhadn't even come to me until
yesterday, this awareness of howbeautiful this is and at the
same time, I have to not hold onto that expectation that want
to control that piece of me thatwants it to be a certain way
(04:04):
right.
So that was just kind of anaside, something that's exciting
and at the same time I have tohold lightly, because I know for
sure that Bodhi is really solidin his sobriety right now and
Alex is a little more in the 95percentile.
So he's sober because he foundout that he was going to be a
(04:26):
dad and that really sort ofswitched something in him.
And he's going to talk whileI'm in California.
We're going to do an episodetogether so he can share more
about his journey.
But I also just want to reallystep into that place of of
wholeness and really taking ourpower back.
You know, really like allowingourselves to understand how we
(04:51):
can show up in our families andhow, even when it's complex or
chaotic, how much energy weactually can send out that is
positive how much control weactually have of ourself.
Right, we're powerless overeverything else, but we have
control of ourself.
And I'm also swirling around myhead as I'm trying to allow
(05:16):
spirit to come in and take overand share.
What it wants to share with youis a comment that I got
recently on the text me.
You can go into the show notesand it says send a one way text.
I don't know who it comes from.
I have no information unlessyou sign your name but it had a
note about not knowing how todetach, because detaching might
(05:39):
mean that they might not seetheir grandchild.
And I wanted to sort of bringthis in, because I've had a lot
of people that I've both workedwith and that have either
emailed or commented throughSpotify comments there's a lot
of different ways to getinformation to me, so I know
what's going on with you aroundthese complexities of detaching,
(06:01):
from where there's a lot ofdysfunction or addiction, and
then there's grandkids, right.
So, being that I'm going to bea grandma here in a minute, I
get it and I want to sort ofwrap all that up together.
So let's just see what spirithas in charge for us.
So I'll just sort of tap in tomy heart here.
(06:22):
What I really feel like isreally trying to come out.
And it's funny because even as Isay these things, even as these
concepts flow through me, I'mreminded, as I've been saying
(06:43):
recently, that this isn't aboutme giving you something that you
don't already have.
This is about me reminding youof what you already know, and
detachment is this key wordwhich has been so powerful in
the soul recovery process and,as I've been doing, the five
(07:03):
levels of attachment in thebonus episodes on Patreon and as
Apple podcast subscribers it'sbeen giving me more and more
clarity around the fact thatdetachment is not necessarily a
physical thing.
Right, there is a lot going onright now around not having
communication and blockingpeople and having no contact.
(07:23):
There's a lot going on rightnow around not having
communication and blockingpeople and having no contact.
There's a whole movement rightnow because it's not just like
the olden days where you eithershowed up for Christmas or you
didn't, or you wrote letters oryou didn't, or you called or you
didn't, or you called or youdidn't.
(07:47):
Now there's so much aroundsocial media and how we are in
each other's business all thetime, even by being a voyeur
into their business.
You know, one of the thingsthat I laugh about is I try to
believe that I'm giving my kidsa lot of space to be adults, to
have their own lives and maketheir own choices and spend as
much time as I can really tuninginto myself and my own
(08:08):
well-being, being responsiblefor how I feel what is my soul
recovery.
But the truth is, with Bodhi,particularly because he is
already an influencer and aprofessional athlete.
He's on social media all thetime, so I have access to him,
and that's true for so manypeople in so many ways, even if
(08:31):
they're somebody who's wellknown versus somebody who's not.
There's access to everybody inall these ways.
So it's gotten very complicated.
Around what does this distancingmean?
What I want to really impart inthis concept around how we take
(08:52):
our power back, how we stand inour center, in our soul
recovered center.
The foundation of soul recoveryis this awareness that we are
powerless over everythingoutside of ourself, but not from
a place of like weakpowerlessness.
It's from a place that says Itrust and believe and know that
(09:16):
things are working out in a flow, that we are here as souls.
You know my teachings as aspiritual teacher is that our
souls came into this lifetimefor its experience to connect
and to interact with other soulstoo, and that if we think that
(09:38):
we know everything within ourmind of how everything is
supposed to be working, we'reactually dismissing an entire
universe of how things go.
There's so much more, and ifyou start looking at quantum
physics and consciousness andall of the studies that are
(10:01):
happening and all theawarenesses that are starting to
be more and more streamlinedall the time.
It's because it's it's reallyevolving to have this clarity
that we are these beings who, ofcourse, our minds, have
interpreted, through our littlebrain, computers, how the world
(10:23):
works and we have a desire tocontrol and to fix and to manage
, because in the olden days wehad to make sure we had food and
we had shelter and we were, youknow, safe from the bears, and
none of that is happeninganymore.
I keep thinking about how reallyshort time is and that these
(10:44):
lifetimes that we're in, youknow, I used to think a 54 year
old person was ancient.
Well, I'm 54 now and I barelyfeel like I just got started.
You know the lifetime's overright when you start to figure
it out.
But if we look on this largersoul spectrum kind of going out
there today, this larger soulspectrum, you start to recognize
(11:05):
that there's more than we canpossibly understand.
To recognize that there's morethan we can possibly understand
and in that, when you let go ofcontrol, when you recognize that
you're powerless over thethings that are happening around
you, you can begin to trust insomething even greater still.
Are you ready to step into yoursoul recovery.
Visit the websiterecoveryoursoulnet to learn more
(11:27):
about the nine step soulrecovery process.
I hope that you'll join us thefirst Monday of every month for
the free soul recovery supportgroup on Zoom, where we learn
more about soul recovery andconnect with each other.
If you'd like to work directlywith me to move through the
nine-step soul recovery process,I'm here for you, but you can
also choose to work the steps onyour own, with individual
(11:48):
modules intended to support youto work at your own pace and on
your own time.
And if you want even more soulrecovery, join us for the
Recover your Soul bonus podcastfor Patreon members and Apple
Podcast subscribers, where Iinterview amazing people sharing
soul recovery tips for us andalso do spiritual book studies.
You can also find dailyinspiration on Facebook and
(12:11):
Instagram and join our privateFacebook community.
Visit the website for moreinformation, links and
registration for everything.
Back to the episode Now.
What does that mean?
If you have a lot of stuffgoing on in your family or even
a lot of stuff in the world andI've talked about this in other
podcast episodes when we talkabout politics or we talk about
(12:37):
disasters, or you know all thisstuff that's happening.
What I want us to look at todayis I want us to look at our
families, because this is whereour hearts are, this is where
our experience is, and you mayhave a child who is an adult,
who is making choices that isvery difficult to see.
(12:57):
And then you have theirchildren, whether they're little
or whether they're older, andwe want to come in and we want
to save and we want to fix, andwe want to make it so that it's
not hard for everybody.
And we want to come in and wewant to save and we want to fix,
and we want to make it so thatit's not hard for everybody.
And the guidance continues tocome so crystal clear that as
(13:18):
you hold your center, as youstand in your knowing that you
too are resourced and held andhave everything that you need.
And I used to think peacemakermeant that I needed to make the
peace in the family, but what Isee now is that I am making the
(13:38):
peace within myself, I am makingmy own peace and that when I
stand in that knowing that I'mmaking my own peace and I stay
in my heart, and I stay in myheart and I stay open and I have
compassion for where everyone'sat and I stop trying to be on
top of the rock, as I call it,and in everybody else's sticky
(14:00):
business, making sure thateverybody's okay, I'm actually
radiating out an energy and alove that allows people to relax
and in that there's more of anopportunity for them to step in
in a healthier way.
So when you have grandkids, itmay be that you can't do the
(14:23):
detachment on the level that's ano contact detachment.
Detachment doesn't mean nocontact.
Detachment is actually aninternal way of being with
yourself.
It's an internal releasing andletting go of this belief that
it is our responsibility to takecare of, to fix, to change.
(14:45):
That's the suffering.
The suffering is the piece thatsays I don't like it, like this
.
The acceptance says I see thatit is, I see that it is and I
allow myself to detach fromthinking that I have to fix,
(15:06):
change, save it.
When you have grandkids or whenyou have smaller kids and maybe
you have a husband who or awife who's actively in addiction
.
It isn't about allowing anybodyto harm anybody.
(15:27):
We will know how to step intosituations to do what is the
healthiest thing in thesituation.
But it's actually amazing how,when you can step into that
space.
From this higher vision, fromthis point of seeing the
complexity without all of thatsticky emotion and fear attached
(15:51):
to it, you actually give thoseother people, the younger people
, space to be in their feelings,which are complex, to give them
the ability to say out loud Idon't like this, I don't like
that, this is hard for me, outloud, I don't like this, I don't
(16:12):
like that, this is hard for me.
And it's not about fixing itfor them, it's about giving them
space to be able to say outloud I don't like it when and
you say, yeah, I can understandthat.
I see that you're witnessingsomebody else's feelings and
it's incredible how even youngkids have the capacity to be
able to figure out forthemselves what they would like
(16:34):
and what they would need.
Now is there truth that youngpeople can't hold the emotions
just like we couldn't understandor hold the emotions for
ourselves Absolutely?
And will they create systemswithin themselves and beliefs
just like we did?
That they'll have to unpacklater.
You bet they will.
Nobody gets to get past that.
(16:56):
That's part of being a humanbeing, that's part of how it all
works.
But when we actually are tryingto manage and fix and save them.
We're giving them the modelingthat says that they can't do it
for themselves, that they can'thold it for themselves.
So we always want to keep themsafe physically safe,
(17:19):
emotionally safe to our bestability, but we also need to
allow things to unfold in thenatural course of their events.
This goes back to the sevendetachments from Al-Anon to not
create a crisis, to not preventa crisis, to not suffer for
somebody else's life, for theirrecovery or for their choices
(17:41):
that they're making.
So, coming back to what isdetachment, there may be times
where it is healthier to have ano contact with somebody, and
then there'll be times whereyou're going to make a choice to
stay in contact so that you canhave these other things, maybe
(18:01):
so you can have access to yourgrandkids.
There's so many other reasonswhy maybe you have a spouse or
an ex-spouse who is recoveringor recovered or not recovered,
and you have kids in common.
So you know you have to havesome level of interaction with
those people and we arepowerless over how they are
(18:24):
showing up.
And the more that we get off ofthe belief that we are in charge
of how they're showing up, themore that we have strength to
show up, to show up how we'regoing to show up when we stay in
our heart, when you stay incompassion remember, empathy
means sometimes that we take onother people's feelings and then
(18:47):
we want to fix it for them.
When we stay in compassionwhich means I see how it feels
for you I recognize this isdifficult.
I see the choices that you'remaking.
It's sad and hard to see you dothis, but I'm not going to try
to fix it or change it for you.
I see the wholeness in you thatcompassion gives it to them to
(19:11):
hold.
And then when you're in asituation like I've kind of gone
off on a whole other directionbut sort of coming back to even
Christmas with my kids, rightnow I can watch the back of my
mind that wants to plan, wantsto organize, because that's the
kind of person I am and I'mactually really good at that
(19:32):
kind of stuff.
So it isn't about dismissingthe aspects of myself that are
good, but I want to be in thelevel of detachment that is
really connecting, really reallyembracing the family as all
being together.
I'm visualizing joy, I'mvisualizing laughter, I'm
visualizing us enjoying eachother.
(19:54):
I'm visualizing us beingrelaxed and at ease, because the
more that I control what mythoughts and feelings are, the
more that that is what I'mradiating out.
If I'm in a space where I'mlike I'm afraid that it's going
to be like this?
And what if Alex decides he'snot going to be sober?
And what if this is like this?
(20:14):
And what if my mom is like this?
And how do I manage everybody'sfeelings?
I'm actually increasing thatenergy.
Our lives are what we think andfeel and believe that they are.
What we experience on theoutside is reflection of how we
feel on the inside, and thischaos that is happening around
(20:36):
us, in our families inparticular, for many of us is
painful and it's okay to feelsadness, just like we're going
to be modeling.
For the younger kids to be ableto say this is hard.
It is hard if you have a dad ora mom who's making choices like
that, but, gosh, if you canhold space for them to also be
(20:59):
able to have compassion, youknow you don't judge.
You teach them to really tuneinto their own feelings and you
are the light in their life.
You are the unconditional love.
You are peace from a healthyplace, not from people pleasing
or fixing or codependency, butfrom modeling healthy behaviors,
(21:22):
behaviors when we hold ourstrength within ourselves, we
give permission for others to dothe same.
When we heal, we model forothers to do the same.
So whether you choose adetachment which means I
physically am setting a boundarythat says this doesn't work for
(21:44):
me, I am here, I love you, whenyou make other choices, I will
be so joyously happy and hopethat we can reestablish our
relationship or you have claritythat this really you need to
let them have their ownexperience.
Again, I have.
I work with people whose kidsare homeless and are really
(22:09):
making choices that are reallyhard and they've done every
single thing that they can tohelp them.
They have set up rehabs, theyhave, you know, gone through
hoops to try to help and at thispoint they're making the
choices that they're making.
And a lot of times that reallyneeds to be a detachment that
says I can't be running throughthis in my mind every single
(22:32):
night, or else I won't sleep, Ican't eat, I'm not well.
Those detachments of lovingsomebody enough, loving someone
enough to let them have theirexperience and then moving it
towards loving someone enoughthat, if they have family,
children, that you can stilllove them in that detached way,
(22:55):
with boundaries, with clarity,and to not engage the children,
just perpetuating the fear andthe dysfunction and the labeling
just perpetuating the fear andthe dysfunction and the labeling
and, at the same time, notallowing the enabling that can
happen.
To try to keep it all togetherand keep everybody together.
(23:16):
What I want you to know is thatit is complex and that it is
heartbreaking, but you have thestrength within you to be able
to navigate these difficult,difficult waters because you are
so strong, you have what youneed.
The more that we let go ofcontrol, the more we recognize
(23:39):
we are truly powerless overeverything outside of ourselves.
We're powerless over otherpeople's dysfunction and
addictions and we step into ourwholeness and we see them as
whole, regardless of how they'reacting.
And we stop judging and we stopfixing and we hold our heart
open.
(24:00):
Things tend to shift and peopleare given an opportunity to
stand in their own consequencesand, more than that, those
younger kids in our lives,whether we actually get to see
them physically or whether thereis complex relationships where
you don't get to be with themthe way that you'd like to.
(24:23):
You have connection on a levelthat's something we can't
understand and the more thatyour heart is in love instead of
fear.
Those energies are trulyraiding out to everybody, in
your family and in the worldaround us.
If we raise our consciousness,if we stay awake, if we can stay
(24:46):
awake in our soul recoveryjourney, there is so much that
comes from that that will, inthe end, offer healing and light
to those around us.
This is where you have thepower.
This is where the real richnessof your joy resides that,
(25:09):
regardless of what's happening,you can feel your feelings.
They're telling you something,but you can stand in your
knowing that you are held bysomething even greater still
that is indeed supporting youand loving you.
And if the others choose toopen their eyes, they too can
see that.
So the detachment gives us thestrength to be compassionate and
(25:34):
not enabling to becompassionate and not
controlling.
To stay in our heart and notclose, to stay conscious and
awake instead of withdraw andshut down, and all of that
models for others to do the same.
So I wish you a beautifulholiday season, regardless of
(25:56):
what you celebrate, and ifyou're in a situation where you
haven't put up decorations andyour heart is heavy, feel the
love of this communitysurrounding you and holding you,
and knowing that this, too,shall pass, and if you're in a
situation where you get to justbe present with what is,
regardless of what ourexpectations want it to be, love
(26:21):
it for what it is.
Each moment is indeed soprecious.
You never know what the nextday will bring, and the more
present you can be with what is,with grace and love and
compassionate, open heart, themore you have the ability to
truly see the beauty that isavailable past our
(26:44):
disappointments or our grief.
There's always a little jewelavailable in each moment, and I
intend to really just soak upthis trip.
Every part of me is wanting tolike fall into those old
patterns, because there's somany moving parts around work
(27:07):
and internet and where are wegoing to stay?
And then I just go, rachel,enjoy it.
It's an adventure.
Allow yourself to practicethese principles and to trust
and know and to be okay withwhatever is, to allow and accept
whatever is.
So I wish that for you too.
(27:30):
And, as always, working the ninestep soul recovery process is
something you can do on your ownby just listening to the
podcast.
Go to the website, read whatthe nine steps are, allow
yourself to just digest theseepisodes and allow it to move
through you.
This is all the wisdom that iswithin you.
Anyway, I'm not saying anythingthat isn't already out there
(27:53):
and in the cosmos of the wisdomteachings.
You can do the nine stepsyourself.
I've got the first two up ascourses on the website, or you
can work with me to actuallyhave me guide you and support
you on the nine steps.
I'm here for you.
Together, we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
(28:17):
Thank you for listening and Ihope that that helps support
your soul recovery process.
Just a reminder that everyFriday is the Recover your Soul
bonus podcast.
This podcast is for Patreonmembers and Apple podcast
subscribers, and not only do youget an incredible interview or
book study that comes with beingpart of that community, but
your subscribing helps supportthis podcast and the Recover
(28:40):
your Soul community.
If you want to listen to thosebonus episodes but can't
subscribe right now, do knowthat you can be a free Patreon
member and have access forlimited time to new episodes.
Visit the websiteRecoverYourSoulnet or check out
the show links below for couponsand information for upcoming
events.
I thank you for sharing thispodcast with your friends and
(29:01):
family.
I thank you for giving it fivestars and the reviews that are
left bring tears to my eyes.
I am honored to be part of yourlife.
Together we can do the workthat will recover your soul.
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